Forgive and Forget

by orphan_account

Summary:

My last two works have been really fluffy, so I wanted to try my hand at a little bit more angst, we'll see how that goes-
hope you enjoy!
this ship is such a huge comfort to me gskdfhskdjfdfhf-

Chapter 1: Mistakes

A single tear dropped onto the photo in Jared Kleinman’s hand. It was taken on Halloween 7 years ago, 5th grade. In the picture, two excited-looking boys sat in front of a large table with a huge pile of Halloween candy dumped on top of it. The blonde blue-eyed boy was wearing a Superman costume, and the brown-haired one was dressed up as The Flash. They’d planned out their costumes months before, and had worn them to school proudly. That night, both boys had refused to take them off and ended up sleeping in them. It felt so long ago now.
Jared looked at his past self, searching for any sign in his face that had a clue what was coming.
He didn’t.
He jammed the photo back into the binder and shut it, wiping his face.
Evan.
He’d been on Jared’s mind constantly. He doubted he’d ever talk to him again. Evan messed up, bad, but Jared had enabled him, he’d helped write those emails. He knew he should’ve jumped ship on the whole Conner Project thing before it set sail, but when he’d seen Evan’s face light up while talking about it, he couldn’t turn him down. Evan wasn’t super passionate about anything, but when he talked about this? It was clear all Evan cared about was the project, not himself.
Jared and Evan used to be best friends. They were pretty much inseparable. They’d hang out everyday after school, talking about superheroes, classmates, crazy Connor Murphy throwing a printer at the teacher, whatever. They’d play at the park, climbing trees. Riding their bikes to get ice cream together, watching cartoons, and having sleepovers, they did everything together.

But something happened when Jared got into middle school. He’d been walking over to Evan’s house, when his new-ish friends ran up to him. They were pretty basic, mean, popular middle school kids. Not a single one of them talked to him anymore, hell, he bet none of them remembered his name, but back then? Their opinion meant more to him than anything in the world.

“You’re always hanging out with that Hansen kid.”

Hansen? Jared always called him Evan.

“Is he like, your boyfriend or something?”

That triggered something.

“Oooo, you like him don’t you?”

He didn’t know what it was, but this was making him uncomfortable.

“I’m not fucking gay, ew.”

Jared bit back at them.

“Good. Now let's get outta here, this neighborhood gives me the creeps.”

And so from that day on, Evan was Hansen, and hanging out with him/showing affection was taboo.
The next day in school, Evan tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hey Jared, you never showed up yesterday, are you-”

“Get off me Hansen, don’t be a fucking fag.”

“Wh-what?”

“Don’t touch me! I’m not your goddamn boyfriend.”

“Jared wha-what are you t-talking about?”

Evan’s voice was shaky, he was about to cry.

“Did you think I actually liked you or something? I only hang out with you because our parents are friends. And I swear if you go crying to your mom or some shit and I get in trouble, I’ll never speak to you again.”

Evan hid his face in his hands and ran to the nearest bathroom. Jared’s ‘Friends’ had been watching the exchange and laughed out loud. They crowded around Jared, saying things like

“Dude that was awesome”

“Damn that’s cold”

“You’re cool as hell bro”

And even though he smiled and laughed along, he could feel his heart breaking. He cried himself to sleep that night.
‘Why did you say that?! Why the fuck would you say that?!? You love Evan for fucks sake!’
And it was true. He did. He thought at first it was only platonically, but after getting into high school and still hating himself for making Evan cry once, he realized he might like Evan a bit more than a just friend. That’s what had upset him about his friend's words. They were true. He’d said that to Evan because he did like him, and he was horrified of anyone finding out. No one could know. They couldn’t. Once high school rolled around and he wasn’t hanging out with his ‘Friends’ as much, he wanted to spend time with his old best friend again. More than anything. But he knew if he told Evan he was sorry, he’d break down. He’d tell Evan everything. He’d mess everything up again. And that was terrifying. So, he shoved his emotions in a closet and locked the door, hiding them behind layers of irony and jokes, hoping to God that no one would pull that away and expose him. Expose his patheticness. Expose his fear. Expose his emotions.

So yeah, Evan messed up, but Jared? He’d invented a new kind of stupid. He never forgave himself for it, but he could give Evan a second chance if he wanted it.

His phone buzzed.

Acorn: One new message

Speak of the devil.

Hi Jared

hey
i was just gonna call you actually

Really?

yeah
we gotta talk man

Yeah we do, can you meet me outside the park, where we used to always go?

sure
see u in 5

Jared pocketed his phone, walked out the door and started down the street.

Chapter 2: Forgiveness

Summary:

"Clearly Jared was trying to rebuild their relationship, slowly. Evan wasn’t unwillingly necessarily, but the wall that had been built between them wouldn’t fall in a day."

Notes:

This one is a bit longer then the last chapter, but its a nice combo of fluff and angst so enjoyyyyyyyyyyyy~

Jared pocketed his phone, walked out the door and started down the street. The sun was shining really bright, but it was still chilly. Cold sunny days were Jared’s least favorite. If the sun was out, it should be warm, and when it wasn’t, the world felt almost…tired. Like the sun had been shining for too long, putting on a happy face for too long, that it ran out of warmth to give others, and so they were met with coldness. Jared shivered and walked a little faster. Once he reached the park, he saw him, staring up at a tree, appearing to be counting the leaves.

“Evan, over here.”

Jared called to the dirty blonde-haired boy. Evan was broken from his tree trance and jogged over, offering a weak smile.

“Hey Jared.”

“Hi Han- Evan. Hi Evan.”

Evan’s smile stretched upon hearing his first name. He was transported back to elementary school, back to the days of their thriving friendship, and felt happy, genuinely happy, for the first time in a while. The boys took a seat on the nearby bench, as a couple of kids swung on the swingset. The kids were best friends by the look of it, smiling and laughing.

“Hope I didn’t interrupt anything, you looked like you were about to passionately make out with that aspen-”

“It’s a Quaking Aspen actually, and they’re so amazing this time of year, right as they start to turn yellow, it’s my favorite time anyways, once mid-fall hits, they’ll be a bright yellow! They almost doesn't look real, it’s incredible and-
I’ve been talking for too long-
S-sorry-”

“Wow. You really are a nature nerd.”

Jared chuckled.

“I-it’s so weird, I’m sorry-”

“Nono! It’s fine man, besides, you look kinda cute when you get all excited like that-”

“What?”

“Uh- I- I mean- hah- you’re not- I don’t think you’re cute- I mean I do- but-
Let me start over-”

Evan was giggling. Fuck he’s so cute.

“I don’t mind if you think I’m cute Jared.”

He was suddenly grateful for the cold, if it had been any warmer, Evan might have seen Jared blushing.

“Well I do-
But that’s besides the point-
The point is, you can talk about trees all you want, it’s honestly pretty interesting.”

“R-really?”

“Yeah! It’s like listening to a podcast where a tree expert recounts his findings, or something-”

Evan giggled again. He’s gonna be the death of me. It fell quiet for a moment, and Jared smiled at Evan, before remembering why they were here.

“So...we kinda need to talk about it at some point.”

“...”

Evan stared at his hands.

“But, there’s no harm in waiting a little longer, let’s pretend like it’s 4th grade again, do you wanna get some ice cream?”
Evan lit up a little and smiled.

“Jared, it’s freezing out here.”

“How about coffee instead?”

“That sounds nice.”

Jared stood up and dusted himself off, before offering Evan a hand.

“Wow, a g-gentlemen-”

They both laughed, Evan taking his hand.

They started towards the cafe, Jared cracking a joke here and there to break the tension. It was...nice. Clearly Jared was trying to rebuild their relationship, slowly. Evan wasn’t unwillingly necessarily, but the wall that had been built between them wouldn’t fall in a day. They ordered their drinks and Evan explained the tree growing outside the cafe was certain kind of evergreen, and that it could survive in almost any climate. Jared wasn’t lying when he said it was interesting, he could listen to Evan talk all day. Once they got their drinks, Evan invited Jared over to his house to finish them and talk, maybe. Jared tried to hide his excitement. He felt like they were making progress, things weren’t as strained.

They made it back to the house and set down their drinks. Jared plopped onto the couch, and Evan sat beside him. After a moment, Evan turned to Jared.

“I’m done avoiding i-it, we should just talk, if you’re ready.”

“Yeah, I think I am. You wanna go first?”

“S-sure-”

“You don’t have too-”

Evan reached over and put his hand over Jared’s.

“I’m ready.”

“Okay.”

Evan took a deep breath.

“First of all, I wanted to sa-say I’m sorry for dragging you into the crazy email thing, that was unfair to you, to Alana, to the M-Murphy’s, to everyone-
I guess, what I really wanted was to do something. My whole life, I’ve watched fr-from the sidelines, a bystander in my own life. It’s like i’ve never made a sound. And then, this chance to make a change just, drops into my lap. Suddenly, I had everything I ever wanted. The girl of my dreams, a mom who didn’t work 24/7, a dad who wanted to be apart of my life, and...even though he claimed over and over again that he was just doing it for car insurance, and maybe he was, but, it was like me and Jared Kleinmen were close again.”

That almost broke Jared. He was this close to falling into Evan’s arms and sobbing “I'm so sorry” for the rest of life, but he only nodded and let the other boy continue.

“But, of course, it was all a wonderful lie that everyone was way too quick to believe. And so, I lost everything, and now I’m back to square one. That doesn’t excuse any of the horrible, insensitive and heartless things I’ve done, but, m-maybe it starts to make sense of it all. I’m so sorry Jared.”

Evan looked to be on the verge of tears, a look Jared knew all too well. It was Jared’s turn to take a breath. He was too nervous to meet Evan’s eye, so he looked at his hands.

“Listen Evan, you’re very aware of what you did. You know more than anyone how bad it was and you’ve probably beaten yourself up about it far more and far worse than anyone else. So....I forgive you Evan. I can’t speak for Lana, or Zoe, or Larry, or anyone, but I can speak for me. And, I accept your apology.”

When he looked back at Evan, he was crying, but had the biggest smile on his face.

“C-can I hug you Jared?”

“What the fuck kind of question- YES YOU CAN HUG ME!”

He pulled Evan in close, his shaking shoulders calming under Jared’s touch. A clap of thunder came from outside, making both of them jump, but they laughed it off as the rain rolled off the windows. After Evan started to feel better, Jared made them some sandwiches. They ate quietly, listening to rain. Jared was glad they wouldn’t have to deal with a cold sunny day, rain was much better. Suddenly, Evan spoke up.

“H-hey Jared, do you, um, want to uh-”

“What?”

“Would you like to sleep over?”

Jared’s face broke into a smile.

“Ohmahgawd yassssssss, we can paint our nails, do face masks, gossip-
Like, do you think Michael like likes me? Or like, just likes?”

He said in his Stereotypical Gay Best Friend voice™️  and Evan laughed out loud.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes-?”

“Duh Acorn, I’d love to.”

Jared took off his jacket and put it down by the door. Evan spread some blankets out on the couch.

“Mom won’t be home till tomorrow, night shift, so we can crash out here and watch TV or something-”

“Ugh, sounds absolutely dreadful.”

“...”

“Oh my god Evan I’m messing with you, Jesus, that sounds like a dream come true.”

“O-oh, heha, yeah-”

“Seriously, it sounds great, thank you.”

“N-no problem man-”

Jared couldn’t tell for sure, but he swore he saw Evan’s cheeks go red.

They got comfortable on their pile of fluff, adjusting pillows and sheets. It was soft and quiet, the TV was on low volume playing some old cartoon, the rain was tapping the roof gently, and Evan was breathing steadily. It should have been perfect. Jared should have been happy.

But his past with Evan lay heavy on his chest.

Fucking fag.

He fidgeted with his shirt.

Get off me Hansen.

His breathing sped up.

DID YOU THINK I ACTUALLY LIKED YOU OR SOMETHING?

“Evan I need to tell you something!”

“Wha-? W-what is it Jared?”

Evan looked slightly startled.

“I-”

He took a second deep breath.

“Evan, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry for everything-
I didn’t mean what I said, it just spilled out, because I was scared, I was so fucking sacred, I didn’t want anyone to know, and I hurt you, and its all my fault and I’m so sorry-”

“Whoa, Jared, slow down, it’s alright-”

“It’s not! It’s not alright! I was a huge asshole! I called you a fucking fag! I made you cry!”

Jared was almost yelling, and he couldn’t even comprehend why. All the emotions that he’d bottled for 7 whole years were busting out of him.

“And these guys kept asking me if I liked you and if I was your boyfriend and they wouldn’t stop and- and- I couldn’t say anything because if they found out they’d tell everyone and they’d tell you and- a-and-”

“Jared please-”

“And I’m just-
I’m so in love with you Evan-
I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to overwhelm you or make you cry again or freak you out-
And now i’ve done all those things because I told you-
I’m such an insensitive asshole-
I should just go-
I’m sorry-
I’m so sorry-”

Jared ran for the door, grabbing his coat and rushing out into the pouring rain.

Chapter 3: Moving forward

Notes:

aHHHH
i finally finsheddddddddd
i was procrastinating on this so hard gkdjfsdfkhlsdhfl-
hope you enjoy! this one's short but real cute :3

Jared ran for the door, grabbing his coat and rushing out into the pouring rain.

He bolted down the street at top speed, feeling the rain soaking his shirt and jeans but not caring in the slightest. He knew that it would freak Evan out. He knew that. And he did it anyway. Jared suddenly wished the rain would turn to acid and melt him away. Countless nights he’d been kept awake, thinking about his past mistakes, how badly he wanted to say sorry, if there was any chance of Evan wanting a second shot at a relationship after everything. And there was, Evan seemed ok with being friends again, more than ok, happy, but he’d gone and fucked everything up. Just like always. The rain let up a little. Jared prayed the sun wouldn’t return.

“Jared come back!”

----

“Jared!”

Evan called out to him, but he was already out the door. He didn’t even put on any shoes before going after him. Evan’s mind was racing nearly as fast as his feet.

He loves me?

He rounded the corner to see Jared walking away with his head down, clutching his jacket tightly.

“Jared come back!!”

Jared looked back to see the other boy running towards him at top speed.

“Evan?”

He came to a screeching halt in front of the brown haired boy, now completely sopping wet and freezing cold, tears and rain streaked down his face.

“Evan?! What are you doing, you’re gonna get sic-”

Evan grabbed Jared by the collar of his shirt, kissing him as a bolt of lighting lit up the gray clouds overhead. Jared was in total shock for a moment, eyes wide open as he tried to comprehend what had just happened. Thunder clapped, and Jared put his hands on the sides of Evan’s rain-soaked face, closing his eyes and deepening the kiss. He should have been freezing, but he felt so warm in Evan’s arms, which were now wrapped around his waist. Jared barely even felt the rain, all he could feel was him. His arms. His lips. And in that one moment, everything was okay.

After a while, Evan pulled away. Jared could have stood there all night. Evan shivered.

“I-I love y-yo-you too, J-Jared.”

“Let’s get inside before you freeze to death, then we’ll proclaim our undying love-”

Evan giggled through chattering teeth.

“Y-yes plea-please.”

 

Later that night, Jared had borrowed and was wearing some sweats, and Evan had some pajama pants and a t-shirt on. They were lying back down on the pile they’d made earlier, Evan’s head resting comfortably on Jared's chest. He was hugging Jared’s torso snuggly, and Jared was totally fine with never moving ever again. Evan was dozing off slightly, drifting in and out of sleep. He adjusted his head slightly, then asked in a tired but content voice,

“Hey Jare?”

“Hmm?”

“All those years ago, you said ‘I’m not your goddamn boyfriend’-” Jared winced, “-well, what about now?”

“I-
Evan-
Are you asking me to-
To be your-
YES!
I thought that was obvious-”

Evan giggled sleepily and kissed Jared on the forehead. Jared ruffled the other boy’s hair.

“Get some sleep Acorn.”

“Okay okay, I’m going, good night!”

“Night Ev.”

Jared hesitated, but then said

“L-love you.”

“I love you too Jare.”

Notes:

This fic is for my Acorn, i love you Rae <333