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Arisu let the fabric of the curtain slip through his fingers, allowing it to fall over the window and obscure his vision of the courtyard and the people outside. His body ached with an exhaustion that he felt all the way down to his bones. As hopeful as he felt for his future and as much as he had not lied to the nurse when he assured her he would be okay, right now he was tired. There was only so much a mind and heart could take in one day, and he was pretty sure he had reached his limit. Part of him wanted to lie down and sleep for a week.
Unfortunately, a different part of him was hungry.
“Where are you going?” Hajime asked him, looking up from his phone as Arisu began to shuffle towards the door.
“Thought I’d look for a vending machine,” he answered with a shrug.
Instantly, his younger brother was on his feet, crossing the distance quickly to plant his hands on Arisu’s shoulders. “I don’t think so,” he stated, pushing Arisu back towards the bed. “Tell me what you want, and I’ll get it. You lie back down and rest.”
“I’m fine, really,” he protested, but Hajime was already shaking his head.
“I’m your tutor now, so that means you have to do what I say.” The back of Arisu’s legs hit the bed, and he sat down hard as his brother gave him a little shove. With one finger in the air as if scolding him, Hajime continued, “And I say you are to rest.”
As nice as that sounded, a small ripple of annoyance flared up in Arisu’s chest at being bossed around by his little brother. “The nurse said my EEGs are fine,” he argued. “She said I’ll be discharged tomorrow.”
“So tomorrow you can get your own snacks,” his brother countered with a smug grin. “You really shouldn’t be fighting me on this, Aniki. This is your last chance to get me to wait on you. Tomorrow I’m going to start working you hard.”
Arisu opened his mouth to reply, but something in his brother’s eyes made him pause. His mind slipped back to when Hajime had first arrived, the relief in his face at seeing Arisu finally awake. The tears beading at the corners of his eyes as he expressed that relief in words that Arisu had never thought he’d hear the other young man say.
I’m so glad you’re alive.
“Okay,” Arisu said with a smile. “You get the snacks. I’ll stay here and rest.”
xXx
“Excuse me?”
Hajime paused, arms full of food and drinks, and turned back to the young woman who had called out to him.
“Yes?”
“You forgot your change.”
She held out one hand. The other one sat in a sling, encased in a cast.
“Oh! Thanks!”
He shifted items around until he could hold out his hand to her. She dropped the change into his palm, her fingers lightly brushing his skin as he did so.
“You’re welcome,” she smiled.
He smiled back, gave her a little nod, and then walked away.
xXx
Arisu dreamed.
He is standing beside a parked car. There is a shotgun on the hood. A man stands atop another car a few feet away. He was shouting before; he is silent now. There is an aura of sadness in the air, of failure.
Someone approaches from behind. He turns. A shiver of fear runs through him as he recognizes this new person. Fear turns to terror when the man begins shouting once more. He screams, but he knows there isn’t time. Desperation singing through his veins, he snatches up the shotgun and lifts it towards the man who is taking aim.
He wakes to the sound of twin gunshots ringing in his ears.
xXx
The coffee shop was crowded, just as it had been every day since it had reopened a month ago. It had been interesting to see which businesses had returned to life and which had remained dead once the city had begun to rebuild. Bars and cafes had sprung back up almost immediately. The people of Tokyo, it seemed, all needed caffeine to get through their days and alcohol to forget at night. Arisu hadn’t set foot in a bar since leaving the hospital. There just didn’t seem to be a point without Karube and Chouta to drink with him. Coffee shops, however, he frequented often. As long as he remembered headphones to drown out the noise if it got too bad, they were a great place to study and work on finally bettering himself.
Plus, this particular shop was across the street from where Hajime worked, which meant he could always get someone to check his homework before he turned it in.
“So?” he asked, trying not to look too impatient as he fidgeted with his empty cup. “How is it?”
Sitting across from him at the table, Hajime looked up, his expression shuttered. “Aniki ...” he sighed, making Arisu tense, but the next second his poker face shattered and he broke into a wide smile. “It’s good,” he said brightly. “Much better than your first draft.” He passed the laptop back across the table as Arisu fist-pumped the air in triumph. “Good job, Aniki.”
Elation buzzed through him at the praise, fueling his mischievous side. Grinning from ear to ear, he lifted his empty coffee cup and waggled it meaningfully. “I think your student deserves a reward for all his effort and hard work. Don’t you agree, Sensei?”
His brother’s mouth fell open, but Arisu could see the amusement twinkling in his eyes even as he scoffed loudly. “You are shameless! You’re my older brother. You should be treating me!”
“But you’re the one with a job,” Arisu mock-whined. “I’m just a poor student.”
“You’re a parasite,” Hajime stated flatly, but the old insult that previously would have gutted him bounced off easily. He and his brother had grown so much closer in the past half a year. He felt like a proper brother now, someone that Hajime could come to if he needed help or support. It didn’t matter that he was still in the process of getting his life together. He had enough confidence in himself now to believe that he would get there someday.
Even if every so often he got the feeling that something was missing. That he had lost something or someone that he needed to get back.
“Fine,” his brother huffed at him, standing from their table. “But I’m getting you a decaf. It’s not good for you to have a lot of caffeine.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Arisu replied, enjoying the way Hajime rolled his eyes at him.
Left alone at the table, Arisu let his eyes wander around the cafe. Ever since the incident that had put him in the hospital, he had been getting occasional bouts of deja vu. Sometimes it was a place that made him pause. Sometimes it was a person’s face. He never bothered to think on it for too long, but the fact that it happened so often had turned it into a bit of a game for him. In crowded spaces like this one, he liked to look around and see if anyone would cause that weird drop in his stomach or that sudden shiver up his spine. Even if someone did though, he would just keep it to himself. There was no need to make a stranger feel uncomfortable. It’s not as if anyone he stared at ever stared back.
Someone was staring back.
Arisu’s breath caught harshly in his throat as his eyes locked with another pair across the room. The other man had clearly been staring first, his dark eyes burning holes in Arisu’s skin with their intensity. His bleached hair hung loosely about his face, lightly brushing his shoulders. He was rather short, but he made up for it with a presence that was near stifling even halfway across the room. Arisu’s heart pounded against his chest; his head spun. The deja vu was overwhelming. He couldn’t tear his eyes away.
As if in a trance, he pushed back his chair and stood.
Instantly, the other man spun on his heel and strode out of the shop, leaving two other young men who had been chatting nearby to call after him in surprise. Arisu watched him leave, saw him glance back once he was outside on the sidewalk. His narrowed eyes raked over Arisu’s face, calculating, considering. There was an underlying threat to it, and yet Arisu didn’t feel afraid. He was far too stunned for that.
“Aniki? Aniki!”
The sound of his brother’s voice brought Arisu, blinking, back to the present. He turned his head to see Hajime gazing at him in concern, a coffee in each hand.
“Are you okay?” his brother asked.
“Yeah,” he replied, although it sounded a bit weak to his own ears. Gently, he lowered himself back into his chair.
Across the cafe, the two men who had called out to the stranger received their drinks from the barista. She passed over a third one which they took as well. As they moved, the ID badge of one flashed into view, showing the name of the hospital a block away.
Hospital. Doctor? No. Too young. Medical student?
His stomach flipped wildly.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Hajime asked again. “Seriously, Aniki, you look like you just saw a ghost.”
Arisu cast his eyes out the window and down the street, but the blond man was long gone.
“Maybe I did,” he murmured, more to himself than anyone else. “Maybe I did.”
xXx
Arisu dreamed.
He is crouched in the dirt, his back against the car. The man with the rifle is shouting. He will not answer. Instead, he scans the area in front of him. There has to be a way to escape. He just has to find it.
There!
He rises to his feet, begins to run.
A shot rings out to his right, and a bullet pings in the dirt in front of him. Startled and frightened, he crouches back against the car and snaps his head to see this new attacker.
He sits there in a half slump, blood seeping from the wound in his shoulder. His other hand holds a pistol. His blond hair sticks wetly to his face as the rain falls. His dark eyes look cold, calculating.
Empty.
“Sounds fun. You had better stay.”
xXx
It had been a week. A week of doing his homework and anything else he could think of to pass the time in that blasted cafe. He had seen the blond man twice in that time, and both times had left Arisu feeling confused and shaken. He knew now not to try to approach the other man, but he couldn’t help the emotions surging through him at the other’s appearance. Once the initial shock had worn off, his instincts had started screaming at him to make sure the blond man was okay. Because the last time he had seen him …
And that was the weirdest part. Arisu knew he had never seen the man before. It would be pretty hard to forget that face, even if he hadn’t bleached his hair. That time they had locked eyes had been the first time they had seen each other, of that Arisu was absolutely certain. Yet his emotions were insisting that they had met before and that the other had been hurt, had been dying, when Arisu had left him.
“Well, he’s certainly alive now,” Arisu muttered to himself, stabbing at the keys of his laptop with punishing force. “And he clearly doesn’t want to talk to me, so why am I still coming here every day?”
He didn’t want to admit it, but he wasn’t going to be able to keep this up for much longer. His wallet was taking a serious beating from his daily trips to the cafe. Soon he would be forced to either stop coming or to pick up a part-time job somewhere. If he could even find one. So many businesses had been destroyed and so many people were out of work that part-time jobs, once the domain of students looking for pocket change, were now the refuge of adults trying to feed their families. Even if he managed to pass an interview, Arisu couldn’t in good conscience try to take away a job spot from someone like that.
The sound of the door opening and a cafe employee greeting the visitor brought his musings to a sudden halt. Carefully, trying to look as nonchalant as possible, Arisu lifted his gaze from the laptop and looked towards the front of the shop. There he was, his eyes meeting Arisu’s for the briefest of seconds before they returned their attention to the barista taking his order. Arisu repressed a familiar shiver as he forced his gaze back down to his laptop. The game had started.
It was a game where neither of them knew the rules, a dance where neither could hear the music, but it was abundantly clear that they both intended to win, even though what “winning” meant was still unclear. The only thing that Arisu knew for certain was that the first move was not his to make. So he sat and waited, keeping the other man in his peripheral vision as he waited for his order. When he received it, Arisu expected him to leave; after all, that was what he had done the previous two times. This time, however, the blond man found a table on the other side of the cafe and sat down, positioning himself so that they each could subtly keep an eye on the other. He pulled out his phone and sipped at his drink as he scrolled through it.
His senses on high alert, Arisu tried to turn his attention back to his homework. His fingers began to type out words that gradually formed sentences. What those sentences actually said, he wasn’t entirely sure. Hopefully they would have some relation to the questions being asked. With his focus shattered like this, he couldn’t really tell. He was definitely going to have to proofread this thoroughly before handing it in.
The blond man moved, startling Arisu into bringing his fingers down hard. A random line of characters exploded across his document. Embarrassed, he slammed down the backspace button, but he held it for too long, causing a large part of his previous sentence to disappear as well. Now thoroughly annoyed, at himself and at technology in general, Arisu hit the undo button and began to carefully remove the unwanted characters, focusing entirely on the screen in front of him.
Something landed on his table with a soft thunk. Snapping his head up, Arisu caught sight of the blond man walking briskly away, straight out the door without looking back. Stunned by just how fast the guy had moved, Arisu sat with his mouth open for half a minute before he regained enough awareness to notice the extra cup on his table. Carefully, as if it might bite, he reached for it and brought it closer. It was empty.
“What the hell?” he murmured with a small frown. “Does he think I’m a trash can? Why did he … ?” He trailed off as an idea floated through his mind. After all, this was a game, and it was the blond man’s move.
Holding his breath, Arisu rotated the cup until the black marker became visible. Black marker that had been put there by the barista. Black marker that spelled out a name.
Chishiya.
Something moved in Arisu’s head. Gears turned, pistons rotated, and something solid and heavy went CLICK!
Chishiya. Yes. Yes! That was his name. Of course it was. Chishiya. How could it be anything else?
Buzzing with excitement, Arisu began to pack up his things. Chishiya would not be coming back today, so there was no reason to stay in the cafe. He could go home, finish up his homework, and then think about what his next move should be. The other man had given him very little to work with, but at least he had something now. The opening gambit had been made.
His things packed, Arisu stood and tossed his bag over his shoulder. With his free hand, he grabbed at Chishiya’s empty cup, intending to throw it out with his own. He lifted it into the air, his finger jostling the cardboard cup sleeve which slipped and then fell off completely.
Arisu froze. For several long seconds, he could only stare. His body felt frozen, his lungs unable to breathe. Then, as sensation began to return to him, he started to laugh. He laughed quietly at first, but the emotions quickly grew out of control and soon he had both hands clamped over his mouth, trying to keep the noise to a socially-acceptable level. Based on the people around him and the looks they were giving him, he wasn’t succeeding particularly well.
He dropped back into his seat and focused on his breathing. Once he had it back under control, at least enough that only the occasional giggle slipped out, he fished his phone out of his pocket and brought up his contacts.
“You bastard,” he whispered as his fingers typed. “You sneaky bastard! What were you going to do if I didn’t find it? Probably decide I wasn’t worth your time.”
Grinning, Arisu double-checked the digits and then hit save. After putting the phone back in his pocket, he picked up the cup sleeve and carefully fit it back on, giving it a firm shove to make sure it wouldn’t fall again. After all, he doubted Chishiya would want just anyone to have his phone number.
xXx
Today 16:36
hello i’m arisu
nice to meet you chishiya
👋🏼
you know i’ve heard of people being slipped
a number on a napkin but a coffee cup
is a new one
🙂
so you’ve probably figured out by now
that i’m a student
going for a degree in clinical psychology
what about you?
you work at the hospital right?
medical student?
🤫😉
seriously?
lol
are you really going to talk to me in
just emojis?
🤷🏻♂️😉😁
lol
okay well i don’t have time to monologue
at you right now
i have some homework i need to finish
there is one thing i wanted to say though
i wanted to apologize for staring
at you so much
it’s just that for some reason when i see
you i get this really weird feeling of
deja vu
i know we haven’t met before but i can’t
help feeling like i know you somehow
it’s really bizarre
i can’t explain it
but in any case it was rude of me to stare
so i’m sorry
please forgive me
Today 22:15
I feel the same.
xXx
There was only one two-seat table open, so Arisu grabbed it immediately, dropping his bag in a chair and laying out his laptop and notebook before bothering to get in line for a coffee. While he waited he pulled out his phone and brought up his “conversation” with Chishiya. He had revisited it several times over the past few days, but he had never been able to bring himself to follow through on that threat to monologue at the other man. Rambling about his day or some random topic felt dangerous, like all it would do is make the man bored and push him away. After all, this was still a game.
Arisu had his next move all lined up.
i’m at the cafe, he typed into the chat box. i’ll be here until six
Message sent and coffee in hand, he returned to his table, fit his earbuds into his ears, and pulled up the lecture he needed to watch for that day.
He had filled slightly more than half a page with notes before the notebook suddenly disappeared from beneath his nose. Surprised, he looked up just in time to see Chishiya slide into the seat opposite him, idly scanning his notes while sipping from his drink. Arisu stamped down on his flare of annoyance -- because, seriously, the gall of this guy -- and instead focused on stopping the lecture and closing his laptop. With that finished, he propped his head in one hand and waited.
Eventually, those dark eyes stopped flicking back and forth over the page and rose to meet his. “Aren’t you a little old to be studying something so introductory?” he asked, the sound of his voice causing that familiar shiver of deja vu to run up Arisu’s spine again. He had expected that, however, and suppressed it easily.
“It’s taken me a while to get my head together well enough,” he replied, reaching out his hand for his notebook. When Chishiya gave it to him, he dropped it unceremoniously onto his closed laptop. “My given name is Ryouhei,” he offered a moment later with an incline of his head to the ID badge hanging in clear sight around Chishiya’s neck. At the blond man’s blank stare, he explained further, “It just seemed fair to tell you.”
Chishiya Shuntarou lifted an eyebrow at him. “Fair?” he echoed, managing to imbue that one word with both disbelief and scorn. A moment later, however, he seemed to catch himself, and his expression smoothed out into a small smile. Quietly, he said, “I see.”
They sat in silence for several minutes, both feeling out this new connection between them. Arisu took the opportunity to really examine the other’s face now that they were this close. The blond man’s smile seemed genuine, the slightly lifted corners of his mouth soft and relaxed, but his dark eyes were stripping away Arisu’s layers with intense focus. Those eyes had questions and were determined to get answers.
Arisu didn’t know if he had those answers, but he was willing to try to help find them. “I have to admit,” he said, finally breaking the silence, “you’re not the first person to give me deja vu. I’ve been getting it a lot, actually. But the feeling I got when I saw you was by far the strongest.” He watched the barest hint of acknowledgement flicker through Chishiya’s eyes. The man was definitely a study in micro-expressions. “How about you? Have you been getting a lot of deja vu, or was it just me?”
Chishiya hesitated, as if gauging how safe divulging the information would be, before replying, “I’ve had a bit.”
“But seeing me was the most intense,” Arisu finished for him.
Chishiya flicked his gaze up with a small grin. “I never said it was intense.”
“No,” Arisu challenged, “but your eyes did.”
The blond man’s eyes narrowed threateningly, but he once again seemed to catch himself and calm himself down. Turning his head away, he lifted his drink, his lips just barely brushing the edge as he said quietly, “You’re very observant.” He paused for a drink, then placed the cup down gently. “Mind if I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” Arisu answered immediately. “Go ahead.”
“Where’s your partner?”
His blood froze. Something unknown inside him twisted. “My what?”
“Your partner,” Chishiya repeated. “Every time I see you, I get hit with deja vu, yes, but it feels wrong. It feels like you’re supposed to be with someone else.”
“Are you … ?” Arisu’s tongue felt thick and his throat was beginning to burn. “Are you talking about Karube and Chouta?”
Chishiya shrugged at him casually. “I don’t know. Am I?” he asked. “All I know is that you’re not supposed to be alone. You are …” He trailed off, an odd distance entering his eyes as his voice lowered. “You are never alone.”
He got the distinct feeling that there was far more being said with those four words than their sum usually allowed, but at the moment, Arisu was far too busy holding back tears to analyze it. Carefully, so as to keep his voice from cracking, he said, “Karube and Chouta are dead.”
His companion lifted his head sharply at that and met his eyes. Gently, he asked, “Was it … ?”
“Yeah,” Arisu answered, not needing to hear the end of the question to know what the other meant.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” He grabbed for his mostly empty drink and hid his distress behind an attempt to get the last dregs from the cup. By the time he put it down, he had successfully calmed himself enough to ask, “Did you, um … did you lose anyone close to you?”
Chishiya laughed softly, a confusing reaction that only got worse when he said, “Just myself.”
“What?”
“I died.” He smiled gently again, his eyes soft and surprisingly unguarded. “I was seriously injured and bleeding out when they found me. Apparently, my heart stopped for a short while.”
“It did?” Arisu’s jaw dropped a little as Chishiya nodded his head. “Me too,” he revealed in a near-whisper. “My heart stopped, too. For almost a full minute, they said.”
The other man lifted an eyebrow in skepticism, but a moment later he laughed and shook his head. “That must be where we met then,” he said, his mouth twisting into a smirk. “At the Gates of Hell.”
The morbid thought sent prickles over Arisu’s skin, but … “Hey! Why do you assume Hell? Why not the Gates of Heaven?”
Chishiya’s smirk deepened in a sinister way. “Because I know myself,” he replied cryptically. While Arisu just gaped at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish, he idly checked his phone. “It’s six.”
“Huh?”
“Didn’t you have to leave?”
“Oh. Yeah, I did.” Only half paying attention, Arisu packed up his stuff. This was a weird place to end their conversation, but at least they had made some significant progress. Or at least Arisu thought they had. He felt more comfortable around Chishiya now, and it seemed like the other man felt the same. He still wasn’t sure what the end goal of all this was, but at least he was moving forward.
“See you,” Chishiya said in a bored tone, as if he hadn’t just suggested that the two of them had met in the afterlife. His dark eyes were back on his phone, his fingers slowly scrolling.
Arisu rose to his feet, hesitating. There wasn’t really a good way to bring this up. “Um, actually,” he tried, “I realize it’s cold right now, but do you think we could meet somewhere public next time? I … um … I can’t really …”
Chishiya stared at him as he stammered, but after a moment, he realized what Arisu was trying to say. With a bland expression, he turned back to his phone as he stated, “I’ll pay.”
That was not what Arisu was aiming for, and he protested accordingly. “You don’t have to -- !”
An imperious hand wave cut him off. “My family is disgustingly rich,” the blond man revealed. “You, obviously, aren’t. Buying you a couple coffees a week isn’t going to hurt me.”
“But …”
“Tuesday. 5:30. Be here. I’ll pay.” When Arisu still dithered, Chishiya lifted his eyes briefly and added, “Like you said, it’s cold. We can worry about your pride when it gets warmer.”
The small concession, plus the implication that the other man intended to stick around long enough for the seasons to change, eased the tension in Arisu’s heart. He smiled and hiked his bag more securely onto his shoulder.
“Okay,” he said as he started to turn. “And feel free to text me before then if you want. Words. Not emojis.”
The tiniest expression of amusement flickered over Chishiya’s face as he replied, “No promises.”
xXx
Arisu dreamed.
He is standing beside a parked car. There is a shotgun on the hood. A man stands atop another car a few feet away. He was shouting before; he is silent now. There is an aura of sadness in the air, of failure.
Someone approaches from behind. He turns. A shiver of fear runs through him as he recognizes this new person. Fear turns to terror when the man begins shouting once more. He screams, but he knows there isn’t time. Desperation singing through his veins, he snatches up the shotgun and lifts it towards the man who is taking aim.
Twin gunshots ring out into the rain. The shouting man falls.
He whirls around, panicked, looking for the one he needs to protect. He is surprised to see them in a tumble on the ground, shocked but unhurt. And there, standing where his beloved one used to be, the arm he used to push them out of the way still outstretched, a stunned expression on his face, blood rapidly staining his shirt in a gruesome circle, is …
… is …
xXx
Yesterday 10:27
do you ever have weird dreams?
Yesterday 12:04
You mean where I’m leading an army of
tigers bent on taking over the world?
Occasionally.
Yesterday 12:18
what?
no, that’s not what i mean
i mean dreams where you can tell that
something really important is happening
but when you wake up all the important
details are gone
that kind of dream
Oh. Not really, no.
oh guess it’s just me then
Guess so.
it’s just that i wake up with a bunch of
intense feelings but i don’t know why
i’m feeling them
like i’m panicking and upset but i don’t
know what about
plus i think you’re involved somehow
Me?
yeah
i think whatever i’m upset about
it involves you
So you’re saying you’re dreaming about me.
Interesting.
that’s not what i mean and you know it
😉
lol
Yesterday 12:52
but really? tigers?
Yesterday 13:29
Would you prefer panthers?
chishiya
please don’t take over the world
with or without tigers
or panthers
or anything
please
No promises.
🐯🐅
Why are there no panther emojis?
I’m disappointed.
omg why am i friends with you again?
Yesterday 16:38
Really?
We’re friends?
Yesterday 17:15
i think so
after all we’ve been chatting a couple
times a week for a month now
plus our talks here
Yesterday 17:33
That’s all it takes?
Yesterday 17:41
yeah
sometimes that’s all it takes
Yesterday 17:53
what do you think?
do you consider me a friend?
Yesterday 18:08
I don’t know.
that’s fine
take your time
Today 0:16
Yes.
I do.
xXx
He was sitting at the dinner table, reviewing his latest paper with Hajime, when the text came in.
I’ve had a shitty day, it read. Meet me here in half an hour. The next message was an address with a link to his phone’s native mapping application.
The fact that it was an order, not a request, irritated Arisu a bit, but this was Chishiya after all. A Chishiya in a bad mood, apparently, which was something he hadn’t seen before. Part of him wanted to beg off, especially since today wasn’t one of their usual meet-up days, but a larger part of him recognized the call for help for what it was, even if Chishiya hadn’t meant it in that way.
Offering an apologetic smile, he turned to his brother and asked, “Can we finish this later? Something just came up and I need to go out for a bit.”
Hajime hesitated for a moment, more out of surprise than anything else, before replying, “Of course. Is everything all right?”
“Everything’s fine,” he assured him as he rose to his feet. “A friend of mine just asked to meet up is all.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
Arisu’s blood ran cold, and something sick turned in his stomach and tried to crawl up his throat. The scorn and sheer disgust his father had put into those words landed like lead weights on his shoulders. Slowly turning in place, he looked over to where the man sat, lounging on the couch with his daily newspaper.
“I should have known that you would run off and abandon your responsibilities as soon as the opportunity presented itself.”
It hurt. It definitely hurt. But he wouldn’t let it cripple him. Not this time. Gently, he inhaled a breath and released it, intending to simply let the jab go.
Instead, to his immense surprise, Hajime came to his defense. “He’s not abandoning anything,” his brother argued, the tremble in his voice revealing his nervousness at going against their father. “His work is finished. I’m just checking it for him.”
Arisu stopped him. It wasn’t right for his little brother to fight his battles for him. “It’s all right, Hajime,” he smiled kindly at him. “He has every right to doubt me after what I put you both through.”
“But you’re doing so much better!” Hajime insisted with an earnestness in his eyes that made Arisu’s heart ache. “You’re so much more focused and motivated. I’m sure you’ll graduate this time!”
“I am, too,” Arisu responded with confidence. “Which is why it’s all right. If Father doesn’t believe me, I’ll simply have to show him.” He offered his brother one final smile, turned to give his father a deep bow, and then headed to the front door to slip on his shoes and coat.
Hajime ended up following him, hovering a few steps away like an anxious ghost. “When will you be back?” he asked as Arisu dug into his pockets for gloves.
“I’m not sure,” Arisu answered honestly. “I’ll try not to make it too late. If you want, you can just leave some notes for me to work with afterwards. You don’t have to wait for me to get back.”
“Okay,” his brother nodded. “I don’t think I’ll have much. Your writing has really improved.” Arisu grinned at the compliment and gave him a nod as he turned toward the door, but Hajime’s voice stopped him. “Aniki? I’m really proud of you.”
Emotions welled up within him and threatened to overflow. He didn’t dare turn around, afraid that if he did, he would start to cry. “Thank you,” he whispered to the door in front of him. “That really means a lot to me.”
“You’ve earned it,” Hajime told him in a tone just as quiet. “See you when you get back.”
Arisu could only nod, and a heartbeat later, he stood in the street, breathing in the chilled air and trying to get himself under control. Slowly he began to walk toward the train station. By the time he reached Shibuya Crossing, the urge to burst into tears had mostly subsided. Now confident in his ability to function like a normal adult, he pulled out his phone, checked the address again, and then headed to the Yamanote line for Akihabara.
The famed geek haven of Tokyo had mostly been spared from the destruction half a year ago, so for once Arisu didn’t have to maneuver around random construction sites as he walked down the sidewalk. He did, however, avoid a few girls in fluffy dresses who were trying to hand out flyers to various maid cafes and essentially freezing to death with a smile. The fact that these girls were very territorial made it a kind of game to him. Could he reach his destination empty-handed, or would he mess up and be forced to take a flyer? The challenge made him grin.
“Victory!” he crowed quietly to himself as the building he wanted came into view, but that triumphant feeling quickly evaporated when he saw the figure waiting for him.
Chishiya looked like he desperately wanted to commit murder. Or maybe he already had and was pissed that it hadn’t been satisfying enough. Either way, Arisu suddenly had the sinking feeling that his life was in danger, and if he wasn’t careful, he was going to end up with his throat slit. Briefly he considered running away, but he discarded that thought quickly. Chishiya might be terrifying, but the man was his friend and Arisu wasn’t the type of person to abandon a friend in need.
“Hey,” he said as he stepped up beside the shorter man. “Sorry it took me a while to get here. Have you been waiting long?”
Chishiya didn’t answer. In fact, he didn’t even look at Arisu. He simply turned and walked into the building, heading for the elevators. Arisu followed, barely managing to get a glimpse of the directory before the doors opened. Once they were inside, Chishiya slammed a button and then leaned up against the back of the elevator, arms folded over his chest and head lowered. The floor he had picked was for a place called Cafe MoCHA. Arisu didn’t recognize the name.
The elevator doors hadn’t even opened all the way before Chishiya was through them, striding through the lobby with a confused Arisu on his heels. The two female attendants at the check-in desk looked up as they approached. Their customary greeting died on their lips.
“The usual, Chishiya-san?” the older woman asked with a carefully blank face as the younger cowered slightly behind her.
Arisu’s surprise at this only increased as Chishiya held up two fingers and then jerked his thumb back over his shoulder at him.
“Of course, sir,” the attendant said with a small inclination of her head. She entered a few things on her computer, scanned the card that Chishiya had thrown at her, and then handed over two locker keys. “Here you are, Chishiya-san. Enjoy your stay.”
Again, Chishiya walked off, leaving Arisu to follow him in bewilderment. They passed a couple of vending machines and a door with a sign demanding that it stayed closed before arriving at a small space with lockers. Chishiya threw him a key and pointed at the open lockers.
“Shoes,” he ordered, his tone clipped and dark. “Coat.”
“Okay,” Arisu replied and did as he was told. Once he had removed his coat and shoes and stored them safely in the locker, he followed Chishiya back to the door with the sign. With zero preamble, the blond man opened the door and walked inside, fully expecting Arisu to follow and close the door behind him.
Arisu did, and the moment he did, he understood. Warmth, amusement, and something that felt suspiciously like fondness grew in his chest and filled him from head to toe. A soft smile took over his face as he looked around the room.
Cats. There were cats everywhere. At least twenty of them, maybe more. Chishiya had taken him to a cat cafe.
The man in question was striding across the room like he owned the place, and Arisu watched as he sat down, not on a couch but on the floor with his back to the couch for support. Once he had settled, he lifted his head and gave a quick double whistle. To Arisu’s shock, no fewer than five cats responded. They swarmed Chishiya, meowing and climbing on him, nosing at his face and chest, and generally making a nuisance of themselves as they pawed at him. Chishiya didn’t seem to mind; in fact, he picked up one of the cats and promptly buried his face in its fluffy fur. The cat responded by trying to eat his hair.
Utterly entranced to find out that his friend was some sort of Disney princess, Arisu made his way over and carefully sat down nearby. He reached out to try to pet a cat, but it shied away from him before going back to its task of head-butting Chishiya’s legs and whining piteously.
“Wow,” Arisu commented with a laugh. “You are extremely popular.”
At his voice, Chishiya extracted his face from his handful of fluff and looked over at him. Arisu was extremely pleased to see that his expression had lost its murderous glint. Cat therapy had apparently done the trick.
“That’s because they know me,” he replied. Gently, he placed the fluffy cat down with the others before sticking a hand into one of his pockets. A grin crept into his lips as he withdrew a small plastic bag. “Plus, I bribe them.”
Arisu laughed heartily at the admission and at the way the cats all doubled their efforts at getting Chishiya’s attention once the bag of treats came into view. Not a Disney princess then. More like a dealer.
“Here.” Chishiya dug a handful out and offered it to Arisu who cupped his hands to receive them. Instantly, the cats turned their attention to him, showing exactly where their loyalties lay.
For the next ten minutes or so, the two of them carefully doled out treats to their captive audience, sneaking in pets where they could. When they ran out, the greedy furballs nosed around for a bit longer but eventually realized that the snacks were gone and wandered away. Only the cat that Chishiya had shoved his face in remained, happily purring on the man’s lap.
“So,” Arisu said, leaning his head back against the couch with a sigh. “Bad day?”
“The worst,” Chishiya replied. He idly scratched the cat under its chin.
“Want to talk about it?” Arisu offered.
“Absolutely not.”
“Fair enough.” He looked about for a new topic of conversation and found one easily. “That cat seems to like you for more than just your bribes.”
Chishiya hummed happily and stroked the cat’s head. “That’s because Nobunyaga-sama and I have an understanding,” he intoned seriously.
Arisu blinked. “You and who?”
His companion did not reply immediately. Instead, he scooped up the cat, which seemed perfectly happy to be manhandled, and turned bodily towards Arisu with a serious expression on his face.
“Arisu Ryouhei-san,” he said formally, “allow me to introduce you to Oda Nobunyaga-sama, leader of the Oda clan and future ruler of all of Cafe MoCHA.”
Arisu looked at the cat. The cat yawned.
“The picture on the wall over there says his name is Cupcake.”
Chishiya threw him a look that could have curdled milk before straightening and starting over.
“Arisu Ryouhei-san, allow me to introduce you to Oda Nobunyaga-sama, leader of the Oda clan and future ruler of all of Cafe MoCHA.”
Duly chastised, Arisu quickly fixed his seiza and bowed low to the feline in front of him. “It is an honor, Nobunyaga-sama,” he said to the floor. “Please forgive my rudeness.”
“The Great Nobunyaga-sama forgives you,” Chishiya replied smoothly. “In addition, as gratitude for your generous offering of treats, Nobunyaga-sama offers you the opportunity to join him and his Chief Tactician in his quest to unify this land and acquire better food and softer beds.”
Arisu peeked up briefly. “You’re the Chief Tactician?” he asked.
The blond man smirked. “Of course.”
With that clarified, Arisu went back to prostrating himself in front of the cat. “It would be my most humble pleasure and honor to serve you, O Great Nobunyaga-sama!”
“Excellent. You may rise.”
Thus released, Arisu slid up next to Chishiya who had replaced the cat on his lap. In a conspiratorial stage-whisper, he asked, “Have you ascertained which of the other cats is Akechi Hiss-uhide? We’ll need to keep an eye out for him since he will certainly try to betray Nobu-nya-ga-sama.”
Chishiya threw him an unimpressed look. “What?”
But Arisu was on a roll now. He spotted a cat with a black patch of fur over one eye and cried triumphantly, “Look! That’s surely Date Masa-mew-ne! We should watch out for him, too. He’s only loyal to himself.” He tapped his lips with a finger, blatantly miming a thinking pose. “Perhaps we can convince Sanada Yuki-purr-a to join us. He’s very honorable. Convincing him will be difficult, though, don’t you think?”
The deadpan expression on the man next to him was absolutely exquisite. “Are you mocking me?”
“No!” Arisu replied immediately. Then, after a beat, he added, “Maybe?”
He was flirting with danger; he knew it. They were friends now, but this was still a game and he had just made a risky gamble. A gamble that he knew had paid off the moment Chishiya’s lips quirked and the corners of his eyes crinkled. A few seconds later, the blond man was helpless with laughter, shaking so hard that Cupcake finally abandoned him for a steadier bed. Arisu watched with pride and a bit of awe. He had never seen Chishiya laugh like that before.
“Oh, I needed that,” he sighed once his amusement had subsided. He leaned his head back against the couch and threw Arisu a genuinely open grin. The brightness of it made his insides warm.
“Feeling better?” he asked, his voice coming out softer than he had intended. Something in the way Chishiya was looking at him was making his stomach swoop again. This wasn’t deja vu, though; this was something very different.
“Yeah. Thanks, Arisu.”
Arisu smiled. His body felt hot and his chest felt tight, but in that moment, he wouldn’t have been able to stop smiling even if he had wanted to.
“Any time.”
xXx
Today 16:49
Hey.
Do you think we could meet at MoCHA
tomorrow instead of our regular place?
yeah sure
just as long as it doesn’t become a habit
What’s wrong with making it a habit?
um because it’s super expensive
🤷🏻♂️
I don’t care.
i do!!
it’s bad enough having you buy me coffee
twice a week
i’m not letting you pay for me to go to a cat
cafe instead
But I just said I don’t care.
and i just said i do
look
what’s wrong with a normal cafe?
It’s noisy.
And crowded.
And it doesn’t have cats.
okay those are valid points
the coffee is considerably worse though
also after you leave i tend to stick around
and work on my homework
So I’ll buy you an unlimited stay.
chishiya
no
just no
But cats, Arisu.
😺😸😻
it doesn’t matter how many cat emojis you
send the answer is still no
🙀😿
i remain unmoved
Today 17:12
I feel more comfortable there.
There are things I want to talk to you about.
I would feel more comfortable talking at
MoCHA than anywhere else.
i’ll see you tomorrow
you bring the treats
xXx
Somewhere along the line, the game changed. Arisu wasn’t sure when it had happened or what, if anything, had triggered it. And yet he couldn’t deny that instead of dancing around each other, he and Chishiya were now dancing together. They still didn’t know the steps, they still couldn’t hear the music, but none of that mattered anymore. They had gone from rivals to partners. If one of them fell, the other would catch him.
Together, they successfully renamed every cat in the cafe after a Sengoku-era general. Not all of them had puns in their names, but Arisu did his best to at least try. More importantly, in between petting fuzzy fur and fending off noisy inquiries for treats, they talked. Chishiya talked about growing up with parents who barely ever looked at him. Arisu talked about his father’s brutal expectations, made so much worse by the death of his mother. Chishiya talked about his utter disdain for people and how empty he had always felt inside. They both talked about how, after nearly dying, they wanted to change themselves for the better. They agreed that change was hard.
And then, somehow, it was spring.
At Arisu’s insistence, they started meeting in parks or at outdoor plazas. Somehow Chishiya still found ways to spend money on him, but it was only the occasional snack or drink so Arisu didn’t mind as much. He had also managed to save up enough of his allowance to turn the tables on Chishiya and treat him every so often, thereby evening the playing field considerably.
Both of them had schoolwork to stay abreast of, but in their spare time, they walked the streets of Tokyo together. Every so often, one of them would experience a small thrill of deja vu which they would then discuss. It was nice; it was comfortable. Chishiya genuinely seemed to enjoy Arisu’s presence, an observation that made his heart sing with happiness. He felt on top of the world.
And then Chishiya suggested they visit the Shibuya Fureai Botanical Centre.
Arisu had gone several times before. On class trips mostly. Once or twice when he was bored. It had been a pleasant place to be. Quiet and green. The glass dome had shattered in the destruction of almost a year ago, but the reconstruction had gone well and they had reopened some of the gardens to the public. Considering how close the place was to his home, Arisu was a little surprised he hadn’t thought of it himself.
They were walking side-by-side, Arisu chatting about something interesting his professor had said in his last lecture, when the building came into view.
Arisu’s brain completely shut down. All thoughts, all sensation, his entire sense of self simply evaporated as a maelstrom of grief unlike anything he had ever experienced engulfed him. The weight of it, the despair, the sheer helplessness, left him shaking and gasping for breath. He couldn’t move. He could barely hear Chishiya’s worried voice calling his name.
Suddenly, the world jolted, and noise and sensation returned in a rush. Arisu looked around and found that Chishiya had yanked him out of the main flow of traffic and over to the edge of the sidewalk. Whether by chance or by instinct, the shorter man had positioned himself between Arisu and the Botanical Centre, obscuring most of his view of the building.
“Arisu!” Chishiya tried, his hands firmly on Arisu’s shoulders. “Talk to me!”
“I … I …” Arisu gasped out. He suddenly realized that he was crying. Bawling, to be more precise, the tears pouring down his face and near-choking him.
His pathetic attempt at speaking seemed to calm Chishiya down considerably. Sighing gently, he retrieved his hands and ran one of them through his hair. “Come on,” he said in a soft voice. “Let’s get you something to drink.” He hooked a hand into Arisu’s elbow and began to lead him away, back towards where they had come.
By the time they reached a vending machine, Arisu had managed to stop crying, but he still felt extremely distraught and like he could start again at the slightest provocation. He took the water that Chishiya bought him with a small nod of gratitude and drank it carefully. His friend simply waited for him, standing at his side as they leaned up against the wall near the machine.
Several minutes later, after Arisu had drunk most of the water and cleaned his face as well as he could, he took a steadying breath and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Chishiya responded immediately. He turned his head slightly to look at him as he asked, “Are you okay now?”
Arisu shook his head. “No,” he answered truthfully. He placed a hand on his chest, over his still-aching heart. “I … have no idea what that was,” he admitted. “It was so strong, and it came out of nowhere. I don’t even know what I was crying about unless …”
“Unless?” Chishiya prompted him when his voice trailed off.
Now that the grief wasn’t so violent and overwhelming, it was beginning to take a shape that he recognized. “Karube and Chouta,” he breathed, but a moment later he shook his head and protested, “That doesn’t make sense. I grieved them months ago, and it was never like that.”
“There’s no time limitation on mourning,” Chishiya told him kindly.
“I know that, but still ...” Arisu sighed and leaned his head back against the wall. “Why now? Why there?”
The other man said nothing.
They stood in silence as Arisu finished his water and disposed of the bottle in a nearby recycle bin. The question of “what now?” hung heavily over their heads.
Arisu took it upon himself to answer it. “I think I’d like to go home,” he said.
“Okay,” Chishiya replied. Arisu expected him to just turn and leave, so it surprised him when the blond man asked, “Are you okay getting there yourself?”
“Yeah,” he replied with the ghost of a smile. “Thanks, Chishiya.”
His friend returned the smile with a soft one of his own. “Of course,” he said as he turned away. “See you later, Arisu.”
xXx
Today 18:22
They must have been amazing people.
they were
i wish you could have met them
I do, too.
Today 18:37
Can I tell you something?
of course
I can’t remember the last time I cried.
really?
Yeah.
Even as a kid, I didn’t cry.
well some people are just like
that i guess
and then there are people like me
i’ve been known to cry a lot
I see.
Today 18:52
It’s funny.
I sort of envy them.
why?
Because they have you to cry for them.
They lived their lives in such a way that
when they died, they left behind
someone who mourned them.
They’re gone, but they live on in
your memories of them and in your
tears.
they do yeah
If I had died back then, no one
would have mourned me.
My colleagues might have felt
sad, but no one would have cried
like you did.
I really hope that I can someday
become a person that someone will
mourn.
chishiya
you already are
What?
i would cry for you
Well, yes. But as you said before,
you cry easily.
no i mean i would cry a lot
i would mourn you
Today 19:03
chishiya?
Why?
what do you mean why?
you’re my best friend
why wouldn’t i mourn you?
I’m your best friend?
of course
i wouldn’t plot to overthrow a cat cafe
with just anyone you know
Today 19:07
seriously though
there’s been this giant hole in my
heart since karube and chouta died
it felt like i had lost a part of myself
like there was something missing
like i was only half of a being that had
once been whole
but now that hole in my heart is
closing bit by bit
thanks to you
Today 19:15
chishiya?
😭
No, that doesn’t help.
It’s not fair.
Why can an emoji do what I can’t?
it’s okay
i can cry enough for both of us
Today 19:23
It feels trite to say it considering I
have no other friends, but you are
my best friend as well.
it’s not trite
thank you
Arisu?
yeah?
Are you crying right now?
maybe a little
Good.
Make sure it’s enough for both of us.
xXx
Arisu dreamed.
He is kneeling on the ground, his beloved by his side ...
No.
No, that’s not right.
His beloved …
His beloved is lying before him, face pinched in suppressed pain, blood slowly but steadily soaking through the makeshift bandage around his stomach. He will be dead in a matter of hours, half a day at most.
There is only one chance. One chance and it may not even work. But he has to try. Even though it means leaving his beloved here to die.
They talk, quiet words given and received. Confessions are aired, secrets exposed to the light of day. He listens, sadly, reverently. He speaks, quietly.
“I understand.”
His beloved smiles.
xXx
The call came in the middle of his afternoon lecture. He almost didn’t answer it, but at the insistent buzzing in his pocket, he fished out his phone to at least check the caller ID. The words that flashed across his screen had him on his feet and bolting for the door in seconds, sending his professor a quick apology as he went.
“Hello?” he gasped once he had reached the hallway.
“Hello, is this Arisu Ryouhei-san?” the female voice asked him politely.
“It is, yes.”
“Arisu-san, I am calling because you were listed as the emergency contact for Chishiya Shuntarou-san who has just been admitted to our hospital.”
The wave of worry that had threatened him ever since seeing the hospital’s name on his caller ID crashed down in a rush. Breathlessly, he listened to the woman give instructions on which entrance to use and who to ask for upon arriving. As soon as he had hung up, he sprinted back to the classroom and quickly packed up his things, begging the woman who sat next to him to send him her notes after class finished. One look at his panicked face and she agreed readily.
As he rushed to the hospital, he tried to keep his mind as blank as possible. There was no use in thinking of what-ifs before he even knew what had happened. He couldn’t stop himself from wondering, however, just when Chishiya had listed him as an emergency contact. Unfortunately, he suspected he knew why.
The woman at the reception desk proved him right.
“Oh, thank goodness,” she sighed when he told her who he had come to see. “I’m so glad someone has finally come for that young man. We called both his parents, you know, and neither one even bothered to find out what room he’s in.”
“What happened? Is he hurt badly?” Arisu asked, pushing down the sick feeling at this news.
“Not physically,” the woman answered as she handed over his Visitor badge. “Well, I’m sure the doctor will explain. Here. Now go see him. He could use the company.”
Confused but too worried to ask for more explanation, he took the badge with a nod of thanks and headed for Chishiya’s room.
He found the doctor waiting for him outside, checking the room’s medical chart.
“Ah, you must be Ryouhei-kun,” the elderly man smiled at him. “Thank you for coming.” He gave Arisu a friendly pat on the back.
The doctor’s laid-back attitude was comforting, but he still hadn’t been told anything about what had happened. “Please, doctor,” he begged, “how is he? What happened?”
“Ah,” the man replied with a small adjustment to his glasses, “yes, well. Shuntarou-kun collapsed a few hours ago in front of the Supreme Court building. Concerned passersby called an ambulance. When he arrived here, his main symptom was dehydration. Based on my examination, I believe he had been standing there for hours when his body simply gave up on him.”
The initial panic that had set in on hearing that Chishiya had collapsed gave way to confusion as the doctor finished. “What do you mean he stood there for hours?” he asked. “He just … he just stood in one place until he passed out?”
“That is what I believe, yes,” the doctor told him. At Arisu’s obvious bewilderment, he explained, “I’ve actually seen several cases like this over the past year, although they are all slightly different. I’ve had patients brought in screaming uncontrollably, patients who kept trying to harm themselves out of fear, patients who sobbed hysterically until they began to hyperventilate. All triggered by seemingly nothing. But that is what trauma does to us.”
“Trauma,” Arisu echoed. His mind flashed back to the Botanical Centre and how he had started sobbing for no reason.
“In Shuntarou-kun’s case, he has experienced an emotional shutdown and has become non-responsive. Nothing I nor the hospital staff have done has triggered any sort of reaction in him.” The man smiled at Arisu as he finished, “My hope is that you will be able to bring him back to life.”
“I …” Stunned and overwhelmed, Arisu let the doctor guide him into the room.
Chishiya lay motionless in the bed, an IV in his arm to combat the dehydration. His eyes were open, staring at nothing. All of the life that usually lived in that face and those eyes, all the intelligence and mischief that Arisu had grown to love, had completely disappeared.
The doctor had moved farther into the room, checking the machines that were monitoring Chishiya’s heart rate and blood pressure. “Well, now, Shuntarou-kun,” he said cheerfully as he shuffled about, “you’re looking quite well. All you have to do is wake up for us, and then we’ll be able to send you home.” His words had absolutely no effect, but the man didn’t seem to mind. He motioned for Arisu to come closer, saying, “You have a visitor. Your friend Ryouhei-kun is here. Isn’t that nice?”
Following the doctor’s guidance, Arisu slid into the chair that sat near the head of Chishiya’s bed. His throat felt thick and his eyes burned as he looked at his friend’s frozen profile, but he steadied his voice as best he could and said, “Chishiya, it’s me. It’s Arisu. Can you hear me? I’m here, Chishiya.”
He wasn’t expecting a reaction, not after everything the doctor had said. Something like this couldn’t be fixed with just a friendly voice. Certainly not his.
Chishiya’s eyes moved. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, they began to slide sideways, towards him.
“Keep talking,” the doctor ordered softly. “Help him find you.”
“Chishiya?” Hope exploded in his chest. Without realizing it, his hands latched onto one of Chishiya’s. “Can you hear me?” he repeated. “It’s Arisu. I’m here. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, Chishiya. I’m right here with you.”
Dark, empty eyes found his. The sheer nothingness in them made him feel sick, but he held their gaze with his own.
“I’m right here,” he said again. “I’m not leaving without you.”
Chishiya’s lips parted. His jaw worked soundlessly. When he finally managed to speak, it was barely a whisper.
“A … ri … su …”
“There he is,” the doctor smiled. He circled the bed to stand beside Arisu. “Welcome back, Shuntarou-kun. You gave us all quite the scare.” Chishiya didn’t respond, his eyes firmly fixed on Arisu’s face, but the older man didn’t seem to mind. He dropped his hand on Arisu’s shoulder and said, “I’ll be back in a bit to check on him. Let the nurse know if you need anything.”
“O-Okay,” Arisu stammered. Chishiya didn’t look even close to recovered to him, but if the doctor thought it was okay for him to leave, it probably was. Arisu, however, had no intention of moving from that spot. Not until he could see something other than death in those eyes.
“Arisu …” Chishiya said again, his voice only slightly stronger than the first time.
“Yeah, I’m here,” he responded, gripping the other man’s hand just a bit tighter. “I’m right here. I’m not leaving.”
Chishiya’s gaze slid lazily over Arisu’s face, as if idly searching for something. His lips parted again, the slightest whisper of movement.
“Why?”
Arisu blinked, surprised. But surprise quickly morphed to anger as all the fear and worry he had been feeling welled up within him and began to push out of his eyes in hot tears. “Why?” he demanded. “Do you mean why am I here? Because you collapsed, you idiot! Where else am I supposed to be? I get a call that my best friend is in the hospital, and I’m supposed to what? Just go on with my day like nothing happened?”
Chishiya just stared at him, and Arisu realized that shouting at him right now wasn’t going to accomplish anything. He released the other man’s hand and pressed his fingers against his temples in an attempt to calm himself down. Tears continued to slide down his face, bringing relief in their own way. In the moment of silence that followed, Chishiya slowly lifted his hand and reached out to Arisu’s face. His thumb grazed Arisu’s cheek, gently wiping away a tear as if it were some fragile, fascinating thing.
All of Arisu’s anger melted instantly. “Yes, I’m crying for you,” he said softly, watching as Chishiya brought his hand back to inspect his thumb. “I told you I would. Did you not believe me? Did you have to test it out for yourself?”
The other man looked at him, and Arisu could have sworn that he saw something other than emptiness in his eyes.
“Arisu,” he said, a bit more clearly now.
“Yeah?”
“Cold.”
“Oh.” Arisu straightened and looked around. The hospital bed had a thin blanket already on it, but there didn’t seem to be any others around. “Hold on,” he said. “I’ll get the nurse.” He started to stand.
“No.” Chishiya’s hand on his wrist stopped him. He slid back into his seat just as the blond man’s other hand moved to grab onto him as well. Together, they guided Arisu’s hand to the center of Chishiya’s chest. “Cold,” he repeated. “Here.”
Arisu understood. Chishiya had talked a few times of feeling hollow and empty inside, devoid of not just of emotions but of warmth, of life itself. A cold, limitless void stuffed into a human heart. He was feeling that now, magnified tenfold by the unknown trauma that had triggered the entire thing. He was cold all the way down to his soul.
Carefully, Arisu moved his chair so that he could comfortably take Chishiya’s hands in both of his and place them over the smaller man’s chest. “I understand,” he murmured, “and I’m here. I’m right here.”
xXx
Today 13:27
I hate you right now
why? what did i do?
The hospital you came to see me at.
I do rotations there, you know.
They know me.
yeah i know
so?
So, the nurses all love you now.
They keep bugging me about
whether you have a girlfriend.
Some of them are trying to get me
to set you up with their daughters.
It’s annoying.
rofl
It’s not funny, Arisu.
It’s a serious pain in my ass.
well just lie and tell them i’m taken
they won’t know any better
Today 14:07
Okay, I fixed it.
good
I told them you’re my boyfriend.
Today 14:10
YOU WHAT????
Oh, look. You do know what a
capital letter is.
CHISHIYA!!!
WHY DID YOU DO THAT??
Why not? It stops them asking about
you and preemptively stops them
asking about me.
Why? Do you mind?
It’s not like they know you.
that’s true but
i mean i guess i don’t mind if
you don’t
will it affect how your colleagues
treat you?
It shouldn’t.
I don’t really care.
oh okay
are you even attracted to men?
🤷🏻♂️
It’s never come up.
I still pretty much despise people
in general.
It’s only in the past year that people
in specific have been even remotely
tolerable.
You’re still the only one I can stand
being around for more than a few
minutes.
guess that makes me special then
It absolutely does.
you’re going to make me blush
😉
well if i’m your boyfriend i guess that
makes all those times you spent money
on me okay
See? I told you not to worry about it.
i’m not quitting my job after we’re
married though
That’s fine. I’ll hire someone to do
the housework.
Today 14:39
Shit.
what happened?
I may have chosen the wrong strategy.
how so?
Well, the older women have stopped
asking about you and hinting about
setting you up, but now my female
classmates are bugging me to hang
out with them and bring my “cute
boyfriend.”
omg
I appear to have miscalculated.
roflmao
It’s not funny, Arisu.
YES IT IS!
AND YOU TOTALLY BROUGHT IT
ON YOURSELF!!
I hate you so much right now.
xXx
It wasn’t a game anymore. Not since the hospital. Not since that smile at Cafe MoCHA. Maybe not ever. Maybe the moment their eyes had met that afternoon at the crowded cafe, maybe even then it hadn’t been a game. Because games had rules. They had defined objectives with conditions to determine whether a player would win or lose. Games ended.
Arisu didn’t want this to end.
He had known Chishiya for barely more than half a year, but it felt like they had been friends their entire lives. Their relationship had become so easy. They could joke and tease and flirt, but the moment one of them needed to talk or needed support, the other would slide into that role effortlessly, as if he had always been there. And they talked constantly. Arisu didn’t think he had any secrets left that Chishiya didn’t already know.
Well, maybe there was one.
Arisu tried not to think about it. He made a point of not giving it a name. It felt too much like beginning a final strategy. It felt like approaching an endgame. It felt like a gamble he didn’t want to take.
He should have known that the final move wasn’t in his hands. Oddly enough, it wasn’t in Chishiya’s either. If the other man had been right and they had begun their story at the Gates of Hell, how fitting was it that the opening of the Heavens would bring this part of it to an end?
“Aniki, will you please stop? You’re driving me crazy.”
Arisu paused in his pacing to throw a glance over his shoulder at his brother, but in the next second, he was moving again. Back and forth in front of the glass doors to the backyard, back and forth, never slowing. Outside, the rain drummed against the house, falling in sheets from a sky that was far too dark for that hour of the evening. His heart was racing, and he didn’t know why. He couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that was writhing around his stomach.
Frustrated, Hajime plucked a pillow off of the couch and threw it at Arisu’s head. “What is the matter with you?” he demanded. “You’re acting like you’ve never experienced a typhoon before!”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry!” Arisu replied, dodging the pillow. He ran his hands through his hair distractedly as he explained, “I’m just really anxious for some reason. I don’t know why.”
His brother shook his head at him but returned to his magazine, allowing Arisu to continue his pacing unhindered. He stared at the rain as he moved restlessly, only half seeing it as his mind wandered. Vague memories and half-formed thoughts kept hounding him. Images like forgotten dreams lingered in the corners of his mind. This rain was bad. Something bad was about to happen.
He was so distracted that, when his phone rang, he nearly jumped out of his skin. Then he looked at the caller ID, and his stomach dropped through the floor. Chishiya was calling. Chishiya never called. In all the months Arisu had known him, he had only texted.
Hand shaking, he answered and brought the phone to his ear. “Hello?”
At first, he heard only silence, but just as he took a breath to speak again, he heard his friend’s voice say his name. “Arisu?”
The word was soft. Too soft. Instantly, alarm bells were ringing in Arisu’s head. “Yeah,” he replied quickly, gripping the phone more tightly. “I’m here, Chishiya. Are you okay?”
The gentle sound of an unsteady inhalation rattled in his ears before the other man whispered, “Help.”
Adrenaline spiked through Arisu’s body like a lightning bolt. “What happened?” he demanded. “Where are you? Are you hurt?”
“Home,” Chishiya said, and something in the tone of his voice clued Arisu in moments before he stated, “Cold.”
“You’re having another episode,” he stated, suddenly calm. Something instinctive within him had just awakened. He began moving to his room, the plans already falling into place in his head. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. You’ll have to unlock the door and pull a chair over to the intercom, okay? Try not to shut down completely or you won’t be able to buzz me in.”
“Arisu …” He could hear the emotions draining out of Chishiya’s voice, but even so the other man’s worry leaked through.
“I’ll be fine,” Arisu assured him. “Just hold on. And make sure you can let me in.” He picked up his backpack and promptly upended it onto his bed. “I’ll see you soon,” he said, ending the call and moving to his dressers for a change of clothes.
“What are you doing?” Hajime had followed him and was now standing in his doorway, looking confused.
Arisu found a plastic bag from the grocery store on his floor and stuffed his clothes in it, wrapping it around itself as best he could before shoving everything into his backpack. “I’m going over to my friend’s,” he answered his brother. “I doubt I’ll be back tonight.”
“In this weather?” Hajime cried. “Are you crazy?”
“He needs me,” Arisu answered simply. His meager packing finished, he pushed past Hajime and started moving towards the closet where they kept their raincoats and boots.
His brother followed, still protesting. “If he needs help, call him an ambulance. They’ll get there faster and be better equipped to deal with things.”
Arisu opened the closet, shaking his head. “He doesn’t need an ambulance,” he explained. “He needs a friend. He needs me, and I can’t just stay here knowing that he does.” He crouched down and began the search for his boots.
“You love him.”
Arisu froze. He held his breath.
Above him, his brother’s voice was quiet. “I’m right, aren’t I? You love him.”
And there it was. It had a name.
Slowly, Arisu stood. He kept his eyes lowered, his face turned away. “Yes,” he admitted. “I do.”
Hajime turned and left.
Stung, Arisu shut his eyes and inhaled deeply. He didn’t have time for pain right now. Once Chishiya was safe, then he could worry about what all this meant for him and his future. Even if he had just doomed himself to having his family forever consider him a failure, he could deal with it all later. Chishiya came first.
He found his boots and pulled them on. Next, he reached for his backpack, intending to put it on underneath his raincoat for protection, but at that moment, Hajime reappeared.
“Here,” his brother said, holding out a large plastic zip-bag. Inside were several protein bars and two bottles of water. When Arisu just stared at him, he explained, “In case he hasn’t eaten dinner. Or for breakfast tomorrow if you need it.”
“Hajime …” Arisu breathed, overwhelmed by what his brother was implying with this gesture.
As if to hammer the point home, Hajime grabbed the backpack, placed the bag inside, and, zipping it back up, held it out to Arisu, saying, “Go on. Hurry.”
Elated, Arisu grabbed the bag and put it on, throwing his raincoat on immediately after. “Thank you,” he said, pulling his brother into a quick hug.
“You’re welcome,” Hajime replied, returning the hug. “Be careful. Text me when you get there so I know you’re okay.”
“I will.”
Unsurprisingly, the rain was brutal, and in spite of his coat and boots, Arisu was soaked through by the time he reached Chishiya’s apartment complex. Praying that his friend was still functioning enough to let him in, he pushed the correct button and waited. The mechanical buzz that signaled the door unlocking sounded like heaven. Safely inside, he sprinted up the stairs to the third floor.
He had only been to Chishiya’s apartment once before, the day of his first emotional breakdown. Even after the doctor had cleared him, Arisu hadn’t wanted to leave the other man alone, so he had insisted on accompanying him back home. Chishiya had let him and had even allowed him to come in for a short while. The man’s apartment was the cleanest thing Arisu had ever seen. The place looked like an advertisement. Completely impersonal. Barely lived in.
Arriving at the correct door, Arisu tried the handle and, finding it unlocked, pushed the door open into complete darkness. The light from the hallway just barely managed to illuminate the single chair pulled up against the wall and the still figure sitting in it, his shoulders slumped and his eyes unfocused. As quickly as he could, Arisu dumped his outer clothes just inside the door and took the few steps to kneel down in front of his friend.
“Chishiya,” he called softly. “I’m here. Can you hear me?”
To his immense relief, Chishiya’s eyes found him immediately. “Arisu,” he replied quietly. In spite of his deadened expression, Arisu could hear the emotion in his voice.
“Yeah, I made it,” he smiled. “I didn’t drown. Oh, that reminds me.” He pulled out his phone and sent Hajime a quick text to let his brother know he was all right.
As he did so, Chishiya reached out to him and idly fingered his sopping hair. “Wet,” he observed.
“No kidding,” Arisu replied with a small laugh. He looked up to find the other man staring at him with the barest hint of concern in his eyes. Whether this episode wasn’t as bad or Arisu had simply gotten to him sooner, he didn’t know, but it didn’t matter either. His friend still clearly needed help. Even so, the less severe symptoms gave him a bit more wiggle room. “I’m going to jump in the shower to warm up and then change into dry clothes,” he told the other man. “Have you eaten anything tonight?”
At Chishiya’s minute shake of his head, Arisu grabbed his backpack and unzipped it. The bag itself was soaked, but the plastic bags had protected the items inside. He pulled out a protein bar and a bottle of water, silently thanking his brother’s foresight. “Here, eat this while I shower,” he ordered, pressing the items into Chishiya’s hands. “Then we’ll work on getting you somewhere more comfortable.”
Getting to his feet, he dropped the backpack in the bathroom and flipped on the light in there so he could finally close the apartment’s front door. He left the light in the main room off; there was something comforting about the darkness, and he doubted the stark emptiness of Chishiya’s apartment would help his mood. After verifying that his friend had enough fine motor control to open the protein bar himself, he slipped into the bathroom and shed his damp clothes for that warming shower.
A bit more than five minutes later, he re-emerged into the main room, now only slightly damp and in dry clothes. Chishiya had not moved, but he had eaten the bar and drunk about half of the water. Content with that for now, Arisu crossed to him, took the wrapper from unresisting fingers, disposed of it in the trash, and then returned to his side to gently guide him into a standing position.
“Come on,” he suggested. “Let’s go lie down.”
In the hospital, it had taken hours for Chishiya to fully return to himself. Arisu had not begrudged him a single second of time, but his back had been screaming by the time they had left. More than once, he had found himself fantasizing about crawling into the hospital bed with the other man, if for nothing else than to ease the pain in his spine. This time, he knew better.
Carefully, Arisu led Chishiya into the bedroom and down onto the futon. He positioned his friend on his side, facing outwards into the room, and then slipped in behind him so he could encase him in his own body. He didn’t press up against the other man, but he did allow their bodies to touch and he threw his arm around Chishiya’s middle and under his arm, grabbing his hand by slipping their fingers together and then placing his palm against Chishiya’s heart. Having his hand there, letting the warmth of it seep into the other man’s chest, had seemed to help the previous time. Arisu hypothesized that both the warmth and the connection to another person were effective ways to combat the cold isolation that his friend felt; hence his decision to gather him into his arms and hold him in this way.
The fact that it also allowed him to encase the man in his affection didn’t hurt either.
“There,” he murmured, his nose just brushing soft blond strands. “Everything’s okay now. I’m here. You’re not alone.”
“Arisu,” Chishiya whispered. His grip tightened on Arisu’s hand and pressed it harder against his chest.
“Just relax,” Arisu told him. “Let’s just lie here and listen to the rain. It’s not so bad now that we’re both inside and safe.” But instead of relaxing, his friend shuddered violently in his arms. Concerned, Arisu held him a little closer and asked softly, “Chishiya? Can you talk to me? What’s wrong?”
The other man’s voice came out barely audible and terribly strained. “Don’t go. Don’t … leave me.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Arisu responded immediately, but Chishiya kept going as if he hadn’t heard him while the rain pounded against the window and walls.
“I don’t want … to die alone.”
Arisu’s heart broke. Abandoning all attempts to give his friend space, he wrapped himself tightly around Chishiya’s body and buried his face in his hair. It didn’t matter that the other man’s life wasn’t in danger in the slightest. The bone-deep loneliness and despair in those words drove a dagger straight through him. Words tumbled from his mouth unrestrained as tears began to fall freely from his eyes.
“I won’t leave you. I won’t. Not ever. I’ll be right here, for as long as you want me. For our whole lives if that’s what you want. I promise. I won’t leave you ever.”
Chishiya rotated in his arms, grabbing his shirt with both hands and tucking his face against Arisu’s neck. Arisu wrapped his arms around him and let himself cry without restraint. All of the anxiety that had built up within him, all the mental and emotional stress that it had created, everything drained from him as he wept. It left him feeling exhausted, and almost without realizing it, he slowly slipped into a calm, semi-trance state. From there, he quickly fell into a deep sleep, still holding Chishiya securely in his arms.
xXx
Arisu dreamed.
He dreamed of a magical-girl style angel, holding out her arms to him in invitation.
He dreamed of fire.
He dreamed of long hallways lined with locked doors.
He dreamed of gunshots.
He dreamed of cool greenery and still ponds.
He dreamed of blood.
He dreamed of a long tunnel with seemingly no end.
He dreamed of a wall of water rushing straight at him.
He dreamed of three switches sitting innocently on a wall.
He dreamed of the crackle of electricity.
He dreamed of an endless pool party and loud music.
He dreamed of more gunshots, more blood, and more fire.
He dreamed of a window cleaning elevator hanging ten stories off the ground.
He dreamed of screams.
He dreamed of a maze of metal.
He dreamed of more blood, more screams, and pain.
He dreamed of colored balls on a manicured lawn.
He dreamed of despair.
He dreamed. He hurt. He cried. He screamed. He suffered.
And then.
He dreamed of rain.
Of dark eyes and fair hair. Of little smirks and flashes of emotion. Of gunshots and blood and quiet words and beautiful, gentle smiles.
He dreamed of rain.
He dreamed of hope.
He dreamed of love.
xXx
Arisu woke to weak sunlight filtering in through the window. The rain had eased during the night but had not stopped, and he could hear the soft pattering as he lay still. Gradually, he became aware of the body in his arms. A tiny voice in his head started yelling that he should be embarrassed by this, but at the moment, he was too sleepy and comfortable to care. So he ignored it.
Instead, he pulled back just enough to look down at the man he held to see if he was awake. He was, his dark eyes looking back at him calmly.
“Morning,” Arisu said, examining the other’s face for any trace of that dead expression. “Are you okay now?”
“Yeah,” Chishiya answered. “Thanks.”
“You’re very welcome.”
He should have moved back at that point. He should have detached his arms. But he didn’t want to, and Chishiya didn’t seem to mind, at least not yet. So they just lay there together, gazing at each other in the low morning light.
Arisu knew that his face was giving away all his secrets, but he couldn’t stop it. Chishiya just looked so beautiful; holding him felt so natural. His heart ached with the sheer volume of emotion that was swelling within it. He couldn’t have kept it off of his face if he had wanted to.
“Did you mean what you said?” Chishiya asked him out of seemingly nowhere.
“When I said what?”
“When you said you wouldn’t leave me. When you said you would stay.”
Arisu smiled. “Of course,” he replied.
“For as long as I want?” the other man pressed.
“For as long as you want,” Arisu assured him.
Chishiya’s lips quirked up in a smug little smile. “Good,” he said.
He still hadn’t moved or made any complaint about Arisu’s arms around him, a fact that fed Arisu’s bravery. Carefully, he brought his hand up to the side of the blond man’s face and began to smooth out his sleep-ruffled hair. As he did so, he watched those eyes for any flicker of emotion. Arisu wore his heart on his sleeve, but Chishiya only let people know what he wanted them to know.
“Do you have class today?”
“No. It was canceled because of the typhoon. You?”
“Same.” Chishiya stretched lazily, subtly shifting his body closer. He looked back up into Arisu’s face, and for all the time they had spent together, for all the studying he had done of the tiny variations in his best friend’s expressions, Arisu still wasn’t certain.
“Sounds like a laze around in bed with your boyfriend kind of day,” he joked.
The man in his arms blinked at him prettily. “Oh, didn’t I tell you? We broke up.”
“We did?” Surprised, Arisu pulled back a bit, dropping his hand onto Chishiya’s shoulder. “Why?” he asked.
“Because you weren’t giving me enough affection,” Chishiya replied, giving him a small frown.
Arisu frowned back. “That doesn’t sound like me,” he protested. “I’m very affectionate. I literally have my arms around you right now.”
“And yet it wasn’t enough,” the other man stated with a look in his eyes that Arisu, caught off-guard as he was, completely missed. A beat passed in silence as one man puzzled and the other waited. Then Chishiya gave up on him and said, deadpan, “Seriously, Arisu. Kiss me or get the fuck out of my bed.”
Arisu blinked. Then he laughed. Finally, he slipped his hand alongside Chishiya’s face and brought their lips together. The smaller man arched up into him, so he used the opportunity to wrap his arm around the small of the other man’s back and pull him flush against him. Chishiya moaned softly when Arisu deepened the kiss, a sinful sound that probably should be outlawed.
“So,” Arisu gasped when they came up for air several minutes later, “does this mean I’m your boyfriend for real?” He paused briefly, then added, his eyes twinkling, “Shuntarou.”
Chishiya shivered, and a moment later, Arisu found himself flat on his back, staring up at dark eyes that hovered over him possessively. “What do you think, Ryouhei?” the blond man asked, his breath punctuated by soft panting.
Arisu thought that Chishiya needed to be kissed some more, but saying that would have been cliche, so he just did it instead.
“Remember,” his boyfriend said when they came up for air a second time, “as long as I want. You promised.”
“I remember,” he replied, gently kissing the other man’s cheekbones, his forehead, the lids of his eyes. “I won’t forget.”
They spent the entire morning in bed as the rain fell softly outside. Looking back on it, Arisu would decide that that was the moment that the game had ended. Neither of them had ever truly understood it, but in the end it didn’t matter. Because in the end, they had both unequivocally and irrefutably won.