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It was raining and with it came a sickening feeling of dread. Thunders were soon to follow, she was sure, and with it the panic. She was in a beautiful garden, that was very familiar, but she was not sure she had ever seen it before and suddenly she felt ike she didn’t belong in this garden full of tulips and pink roses.
She needed to run from the rain but she didn’t know the way. Where was she?
She felt stupid and she hated that feeling almost as the storm. But someone around there should know the way to safety, she thought. Someone should. Like magic, she saw someone and hope filled her heart: they would know the way, for they looked like they belonged here.
The person looked at her and recognition filled her. It was her husband! Nothing to fear then.
Anthony seemed to look at her with such emotion, she could swear it as love. It could be, she hoped. He gave her a bouquet of tulips, the rain was falling, violently now, but only where she stood.
“I have to go Kate, I’m sorry.” He said as soon as he gave her the bouquet and she was about to shout when the thunder silenced her. She was alone. He left her and she was alone, in a foreign place, not knowing what to do.
Then Kate wakes up, felling very confused and troubled. The sun was shining, she could see it from the peak of her curtains and she thanked the above for the rare good day, for without it she would still feel inside her weird dream. She closed her eyes again to try to calm herself.
She told herself that even without the sun, she would soon realise her dream was not real, because she could feel her husband next to her. Her husband. Her Anthony, who said he loved her. Even tough he said he would not, now he did. And she loved him. How lucky I am, she told herself, trying very much to believe it.
But she could not forget that just the other night, the bed beside her was empty. That she went after him, to his family house – that was to be theirs soon, but felt foreign to her, especially in that scenario– and he told her to go. And she went feeling sure he would not ever love her and that her love for him must be so obvious that he felt the need to run.
Kate believed him when he told her he loved her, for he was not a liar, but she could not deny the facts, being the ration person she of course was. The problem was that there was a lot of contradictory facts in their history and she didn’t feel like she could trust to choose the right ones, for her heart was screaming and all reason was sure to leave her as soon as Anthony looked at her.
We should live each day as if we were immortal, she told him and she meant it. And if she was immortal, she would not simply let it go. She was happy of course she was. But.
But she needed to leave this room. A voice told her that he would indeed deserve it to wake up and not find her besides him. Though her damned broken leg would not permit for her to sneak from the bed, least the bedroom. Another plan then.
She pouted like a child and tried to move her legs, to test it, but soon regret it, hurting more than expected.
“What are you doing?”
Anthony was very much awake, she realised. There was no shadow of sleep in him. In fact he looked like he had hardly slept. She remembers that when she fell asleep, he was seated besides her, having said that he would make sure she did not sleep under a position that further damaged her leg. She wonders if he kept himself awake long after she went to sleep.
“Kate? Is it hurting very much? Should I fetch the doctor again?
“No, please. My leg was a little bit numb, that is all.” Anthony looks pained and guilty, the protectiveness in him the reason for it, she was sure and her heart was aching to comfort him and damned it and him for that matter. That was why she wanted, no needed, to leave the bedroom.
“I am sorry, I tried to make sure you slept with your leg a little up, but you kept moving in your sleep and you are normally such a quiet sleeper! You were having bad dreams I’m afraid… ”
“Yes.” She interrupted him, not wishing to remember how she felt in the dream, where he left her in the middle of the upcoming storm, but feeling it was inevitable. “I dreamt of you actually”.
“So it surely it could not be a bad dream!” He joked, already holding her, like he usually did every morning, but the warm feeling that usually came with this habit was replaced by the realisation that her dream was not as bad as how she felt when he left their room or when he told her to leave him or when he said he could not love her. It didn’t even compare to the constant fear in her mind that she would never be enough for him. He loved her now, but was it because he grew accustomed to her? Because she was simply there?
“You left.”
“Oh.” There was no smile left in his eyes and he tensed a little bit, holding her tighter, as to show he was not leaving now. She looked at him and knew he understood that she did not meant only in her dreams. “Kate what is this about.. I thought..” He thought all was well, but life is not that simple. Her heart was broken. One night, one “I love you” did not have the power to mend it completely. Not even Anthony Bridgerton had that much power.
“Anthony, you left me.” She said, again, voice barely above a whisper, barely keeping her tears in and part of her knew this was not necessary, he was to always come back, she was his wife and he would never truly leave her, but, God, she needed to feel secure that he wanted to stay for her and not for his duty.
Kate Sheffield (Bridgerton, she was a Bridgerton now, even if he left her, his name would stay like a mark) was confident enough to not accept his arrogance back when they first meet and to call him on it. And she knew she was a good person, just as she knew she was horrible at the flute and that sometimes sarcastic comments left her like a defence. She knew herself. But she didn’t trust her heart and mostly she could not trust as fact that he loved her. Not yet at least. She was just beginning to accept that he saw her as beautiful after all.
Anthony kissed the top of her head and sighed.
“I am a bloody fool”, he still looked so sad.
“Well, obviously.” It was an automatic response, there was no pause and she still looked sad, but the normalcy of it warmed Anthony’s heart. He loved her and all the little things that made her unique, even (or specially) when she was aggravating him. That she could offer this to him, was truly incredible and, as she usually was - even though he was not about to admit it to her - she was right. He was obviously a fool to pretend he could ever not love her.
She was looking at him expectantly and he loved her. He would die, as sure as he was breathing, and maybe it would be soon, but he would die loving her.
“Yes, I was a fool and I am so very sorry Kate, but I never left you, not you. I could never leave you for you were all I could think. You are always with me, in my mind and heart. Probably since we first kissed, maybe before.” Anthony Bridgerton was a confident men but his beautiful, smart, kind wife could tear all of him if she wanted and he nervously waited for her to say something, all the while never letting her go. Never. Not anymore. “I love you, my dear lovely beautiful Kate”, he said, quietly like a promise, whispered it to her ear. Kate shivered.
It was really a beautiful day outside and all Kate wanted was to open the curtains and let the sunshine inside this room. All she wanted was to trust the words her husband was saying. She wanted to be happy. Damned be the ghosts of their pasts. She just needed to be certain. She just needed new facts, to make her forget the old and ugly ones. She decided she would be very brave and say exactly what was on her heart – for saying what was in her head came easily to her, never a sarcastic comment too far from her tongue.
“Anthony, we have said a lot of things to each other, you and I. I don’t think we ever truly lied to each other, though. So you see, you once told me you would never love me. Before that, you kissed me in your office and said you would not propose and kept with your idea of marrying my sister. “ Kate paused, trying to keep looking at him. She would be brave. With a deep breath, she continued. “You left me in this very same room. And yesterday you said you loved me and I believed you, I truly did.”
Anthony loudly exhale at the last bit and made to start speaking, but she did not let him.
“But I also believed all the other things and they are still here with me.” She was not going to cry. She cried enough for this already. For him and because of him. Deeps breaths, Kate, she told herself, not caring if the voice in her head sounded a little like Mary. And if she squeezed her husband’s hands to keep herself confident, he was sure not to comment on it.
“Kate. Please listen. I am not going to say this often: I was an idiot, truly. The biggest fool. As you are probably aware by now, I don’t like to be wrong.”
She opened her mouth to say something clever, but decided against it. It was a serious moment and all that. She did roll her eyes. She was who she was after all and Anthony could not help a small smile. God, he did love this insufferable woman and it would be his life mission to make her see how lucky he was that all the events in his life happened in a way that permitted her to be here, by his side.
He adjusted her leg, making sure it was in what seemed like a comfortable position, while he continued his little speech.
“And before I met you, I was so sure that the last thing I needed was to have someone else to love me, someone else who would suffer when I died. You see, my family, they were not my choice. Neither was being the heir to my father. Children, I could convince it was part of the obligations of my position. But my wife? That was a choice. I could choose to not hurt her when I left this earth. Most of all, I feared that if I lost that little control, I would start fearing death. And by God Kate, I never feared death more that when I woke up beside you that very first day, for all I wished was for an infinite of days of it. Of you by my side.”
“But in the end, you did not even choose your wife. You had to marry me”.
Anthony was a little mad that she choose to comment on that part of his speech, but he was the one that needed to redeem himself and so he would not be petty. This time. He sighed though. How to get through that hard skull of hers? Well, honesty should do it. It needed to. He could not live with himself otherwise.
“I can’t see any scenario in my life where I would marry anyone else. You have to understand Kate, when our mothers found us in the garden and it was agreed that we were to wed, I felt so relieved. I felt like I could breath, finally. I was so happy, truly. It felt like permission to be happy, from.. who knows.” He started playing with her hair. “Probably a permission from you. The one that matters to me.”
Happy. That was what she wanted. They deserved to be happy. It was time.
“I would choose you Kate, I swear it. And it will always be the best choice I made.”By then, he was holding her, as if to prove his point. And she will still need more time and if she is honest with herself – and she usually is -more of him apologizing, but when he holds her like that, she is home and that is how she always dreamed love would feel.
Breath in, breath out. They had forever, the pain would exist, but also the sunny days. Today, she decided, would be a good day and Lord Bridgerton would just have to accept it. Not that he would mind, she was now sure.
“And here I thought it was the bee’s choice.” It was the first coherent thought she had and she says it, not bothering to pretend anything, allowing herself to smile, for the first time since waking up. There was no point in hiding anything from her husband. Not when they were choosing to be so honest with each other and not ever, she dared to hope (except, she thinks, that she will hide from him the fact that Newton ruined a pair of his favourite shoes, but she needed to protect her dog).
Anthony makes a silly face at the mention of the bee. “I will give no such credits to that animal”.
Now, Kate truly laughs at how indignant he is trying to sound and Anthony laughs too, because it is to most beautiful sound. And then there is silence between them, which is only interrupted by Kate’s sigh.
“I would very much like to go for a walk….”
“What? Are you mad? I could still tie you to this bad you know”. Anthony says all this very fast, nervous to ever think oy her venturing to such an undertake. Kate just raises an eyebrow in response.
“As I was saying before being rudely interrupted, I would like to go for a walk, but I know it is not possible in my state, so I would kindly ask, my lord, that you would open the curtains to let the sun in.” She adds, with a little smile and eyes full of mischief, “Or to ask the maid to do it, should you not deem a suitable job for a viscount, but I may try to convince my maid to help me go outside”
Anthony is up, immediately, not saying a word and she has to laugh again. He is both harsh and eager, but when he looks at her all she can see is openness. An open invitation for her to love him. He lets the sun in and she is so very glad for it. She falls in love all over again, just because of it.
“Anthony?”
“Yes?” He is beside the window, the sun is illuminating his face and he is so handsome her heart skips a beat. It truly is wonderful to be in love if ones husband.
“So, yesterday, it was not a lie? You truly meant it?”
Kate is so very beautiful, lying on their bed, on their house, open and vulnerable in a way only he will ever know. How remarkable to be married to the must wonderful and maddening woman. How blessed he is that he will die loving this woman. How he wants her to see it, to see how amazing she is.
“I truly meant it. I love you, I want you, I will choose you. Always.” He walks back to their bed and kneels besides her.
“Kate, I know I never really proposed to you and then I made that idiotic comment when I gave you the ring.” He is holding her hand now and kisses the hand that now holds said ring. “And that is said and done, and I am so sorry for that. I know I cannot change it”. She nods, never breaking their eye contact.
“But I will try, as long as I draw breath, to show you how much I love you and how incredible fortunate I am to have you as my wife. You are, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me. The best choice I ever made was to walk into that garden to talk to you. You are the best person I know. I love you, very much, and it is the most simple and complicated thing ever. I would be the must lucky man in the world if you gave me the honour of continuing to be my wife and to let me love you.” There are tears in his eyes and he looks at her expectantly.
“I hardly think I have a choice Anthony.” He looks a little disappointed. She continuous.
“I love you very much. And even on the worst of it, I could never regret marrying you. So you see, for me there was never really a choice. Not loving you, it is simple not possible.” He understands now and he smiles. She is smiling too, of course. They must look silly. She does not care one bit.
“Come back to bed so I can kiss you properly.” She says, demanding. The tone of a viscountess.
He does. But he does not kiss her properly, just a sweat kiss.
“I am sorry Kate, for leaving.” He looks and sounds desperate, holding her face in his hands. Begging really, for her to believe him.
“I know. Now I know”
He knows she has not said she forgave him. Knows it was probably deliberate. But they will be happy.
They will be happy if only Anthony shuts up and kisses her, but he just nods. She looks at him, expectantly.
“Well, I do not know what your thoughts are, dear wife, but I have to remember you that we cannot engage in vigorous exercise. For your leg.”
Maybe she will kill him and then she will be happy.
“I hate you”. Anthony dares to laugh at that.
“No, you don’t.”
Kate sighs. “I really don’t.”
And he kisses her. Properly.
They will be happy.