Work Text:
For the first year after the Force had brought them together as master and padawan, Obi-Wan spent every night curled up against Qui-Gon. It had simply felt right, their physical closeness mirroring the ever-strengthening bond between their minds.
Thirteen-year-old Obi-Wan knew that Jedi weren't supposed to have attachments. But, he couldn't help wondering how he had ever slept without his master's comforting presence.
It seemed almost impossible to relax without the faint scent of his master's favourite herbal tea. The gentle aroma was always wafting through their rooms. But, it permeated Qui-Gon's clothes, giving the man an eternal aura of calm and comfort.
Obi-Wan would bury his face in his master's tunic, surrounding himself with the reassuring smell. Then, Qui-Gon would place his hand on the back of his padawan's head, a silent reassurance.
The day that Qui-Gon proudly announced to the Council that Obi-Wan was ready for his Trials, it had been a decade since Obi-Wan had slept next to his master. As Obi-Wan became more confident in his understanding of the Force, he no longer needed a physical reminder of his master's care for him. Their mental bond was reassurance enough.
Obi-Wan had to admit that their disagreement on Melida/Daan had also contributed to his solitary sleep routine. It took months for him to rebuild his trust in Qui-Gon, to remember why he associated his master with unmitigated comfort. So, whether out of pride or out of fear of rejection - perhaps an overwhelming mix of both - Obi-Wan had never attempted to sleep near his master after Melida/Daan. No matter how desperately he wanted Qui-Gon's presence, he refused to ask for that particular comfort.
Obi-Wan would never know how Qui-Gon had lain awake. How Qui-Gon had sent waves of peace in the Force, too gentle for Obi-Wan to realize and be ashamed of needing his master's help. How Qui-Gon had waited for his padawan to sneak into his room and curl up beside him.
In the end, coming back together after Melida/Daan had made their bond even stronger. But, it also solidified Obi-Wan's resolve not to seek his master's help if he ever needed nighttime comfort.
So, yes, by the time that the pair was preparing for Obi-Wan's transition into knighthood, it had been a decade since Obi-Wan had spent a night tucked close to his master's chest.
"Obi-Wan?"
He looked up at Qui-Gon, realizing that he had been wrapped up in his thoughts. Ah well, it wasn't unlike him to let his mind flow through the Cosmic Force. Obi-Wan had always been more comfortable giving his attention to broad connections and histories. It was still difficult for him to stay in the moment.
Obi-Wan shot his master a sheepish grin before turning to the window to look out on Coruscant's dazzling sunset. "I suppose the Council would rescind their offer if they knew how poor my connection to the Living Force is?"
Qui-Gon's brow furrowed. "Why would you say that, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan's playful smile faltered. "I didn't mean to-"
"You didn't mean to demean your own abilities?"
"Master, I was just-"
"You were just choosing not recognize how much you've learned? How prepared you are for your Trials tomorrow? Do you not trust my training and our work together?"
"Enough, master!" Obi-Wan burst out. "I know that I can face the Trials! One little offhand comment doesn't reflect how I think."
"I worry that this one comment is part of a greater pattern," Qui-Gon said gently.
Obi-Wan opened his mouth, ready to argue.
"Padawan, please. That really is enough. We will not end your apprenticeship with a fight. I simply want you to know that I have full confidence in you. There is no call for any self-derogatory comments, whether joking or not."
Obi-Wan shifted uncomfortably as he took in what Qui-Gon had said. After a contemplative silence, he whispered, "I understand."
"I am glad of that. Now, off to bed, my padawan. You'll need to be well-rested for tomorrow."
---
Qui-Gon lost track of time after his padawan went to sleep. He had piles of reports to fill out for the Council, and he had procrastinated most of them from weeks ago. So, when a dim hint of panic in the Force caused him to look up, the sun was no longer glinting off of Coruscant's sleek, chrome buildings.
In the warm glow of his single lamp, Qui-Gon let his mind extend into the Living Force. He lightly felt his surroundings, searching for the source of the quiet, desperate emotion.
Although he wasn't surprised, it still broke his heart to follow the thread of gossamer fear to his padawan. He reached out through the Force.
Obi-Wan?
The boy's shields shot up, blocking his master from his mind.
Please, padawan. Let me in. I will help.
When Obi-Wan didn't respond, Qui-Gon quickly tucked his work away and approached his apprentice's room.
Obi-Wan, laying in bed with eyes aimed listlessly at the ceiling, heard the soft tap-tap-tap of his master's fingertips on his door. This non-intrusive request for permission to enter the room was so very Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan knew that, after an apprenticeship haunted by Dooku's inescapably daunting presence, Qui-Gon wanted to give his own padawan space.
Obi-Wan considered his options. He knew that Qui-Gon would leave if he didn't answer. Taking a centring breath, he lowered his shields just enough to communicate with Qui-Gon.
It's alright, master. You can come in, if you would like.
The door slid open slowly, and Qui-Gon stepped into the room as soon as there was enough room for him to fit through the entrance.
Padawan, he tried again.
Shifting his gaze towards Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan whispered, "never mind, master. We can just talk."
Qui-Gon stepped further into the room and softly gestured towards the edge of his padawan's bed. "May I?" he asked.
Without a response, Obi-Wan slid himself closer to the other side of the bed, making room for Qui-Gon to sit.
There was a pause, not quite tense but certainly not comfortable, as Qui-Gon sat down. Before he could settle, however, he heard his padawan inhale a sharp and uneven breath.
"Obi-Wan?"
The Force whirled around Obi-Wan, allowing Qui-Gon to sense the turmoil that was bubbling just behind his apprentice's shields. Obi-Wan was clinging desperately to his calm facade. But, it didn't take long for a sob, stifled into little more than a whimper, to escape him.
"Little one, what is it?" Qui-Gon hadn't used that epithet for years. It seemed to do the trick.
Obi-Wan lifted one hand, silently begging Qui-Gon to come closer to him. The trepidation of the past decade melted away, overwhelmed by the necessity of comfort.
Qui-Gon turned, moving his legs towards the foot of the bed. He eased himself onto his back and rested his head beside Obi-Wan's.
For a moment, they lay side by side, staring out Obi-Wan's window, breathing to the stars. Then, Obi-Wan turned onto his side.
He curled his body close to his master's. He hid his face against Qui-Gon's chest, grasping Qui-Gon's tunic with his hands on either side of his face. Qui-Gon rested a hand on the back of his padawan's head. Then, he heard another muffled cry escape Obi-Wan's lips.
"Oh, my padawan."
Obi-Wan's entire frame was tense with the effort of holding in his tears.
"Padawan-mine, give this pain to the Force. It can bear it for you."
Obi-Wan was shaking now, loosening his shields, no longer hiding his emotions, not bothering to check the tears that were soaking into Qui-Gon's shirt.
"I can't do it, master." Qui-Gon barely caught the words, hiccoughed out between sobs.
"Can't do what?" he asked.
"I... Master, you'll be ashamed of me. I can't take it; I've already done so many things wrong."
Pulling his head back to try to see his padawan's face, Qui-Gon whispered, barely audible, "I could never be ashamed of you, little one. What do you think that you have done wrong? We can fix it."
"No, it's nothing like that. It's just... You are so strong and wise and brave and good. And I have studied under you for so long, and still I am nothing like you. I don't understand the Living Force, and I get tangled up in the Cosmic Force. I can't even succeed with the side of the Force that I am supposedly naturally attuned to." Obi-Wan let out a breath that tickled across Qui-Gon's upper arm.
"I am afraid," Obi-Wan continued, "that I am not ready for the Trials. I afraid that I will embarrass myself - and, even worse, you - when I fail in front of the Council. I am afraid that I cannot do this. I am afraid that I am not fit to be a knight, just as I was never fit to be your padawan."
Qui-Gon reflexively clutched the boy close again. His boy. His boy who did not seem to register how much love and faith were meant by the fingers lightly carding through his hair, trying to bring him peace.
Obi-Wan pressed even nearer his master, now murmuring, "I feel like I have tricked you. I keep thinking that I must have tricked you into believing in my abilities just enough that your faith would fool the Council."
Qui-Gon was about to respond, but Obi-Wan put his palm flat against his master's chest. Qui-Gon recognized his padawan's gentle request for him to listen.
After a pause, Obi-Wan went on. "I trust the Council, I do! In my mind, when I think logically, I know that they would not let me face the Trials unless they were confident that I was ready. But, no matter how many times I convince my brain of that, my heart won't listen. My heart is certain that all of this is a fluke, that it's an accident."
The young man let out a sudden chuckle. "Master, sometimes I think there must be another Padawan Kenobi that they're talking about. I fear that I will show up for my Trials, and they will be expecting somebody different." Another small laugh, edging on hysterical. "It is so foolish! I can hear it, now that I'm saying it aloud."
Obi-Wan took a long breath, finally letting his head rest completely, cheek pressed against Qui-Gon's chest. "But, even as I explain to you that I understand how foolish these thoughts are, I cannot stop them from swirling around in my mind. They hurt, master. They are like constant companions that I do not want. They remind me..."
Obi-Wan's shields suddenly went rigid again. It was almost physically painful for Qui-Gon, who had settled into the openness that had been flowing between them in the Force. He grit his teeth against the pain and bared his mind even further. It would help Obi-Wan to see that Qui-Gon was willing to be vulnerable.
When his padawan kept his mind firmly shut, Qui-Gon encouraged him a bit further. "What do they remind you of, Obi-Wan?"
He could feel Obi-Wan trying to think of something else to say, trying to escape the conversation.
"Padawan-mine, no matter what you say, I will not be ashamed of you. I will not be mad. If I feel hurt by what you say, I will not blame you."
Obi-Wan's shields lowered, trepidatiously but all the way down.
They remind me of Melida/Daan.
The thought floated to Qui-Gon so gently that he almost didn't catch its meaning. When he did register it, he unconsciously clung to Obi-Wan.
"Master, I am so sorry. I just... I remember watching you board your ship to leave. To leave me behind. And, I felt so alone and so hopeless. All of the certainty that I had felt while defying you suddenly drained, and then I was only certain that I would fail the Young who were depending on me.
"I feel that hopelessness again now. But, this time I have no reason to feel it. You have not left me. I am not in a war. I just feel certain that I cannot do what everybody else seems to think I can.
"I want more than anything to be a Jedi knight. I never once in my life doubted that. But, now that I am here, on the cusp of it, I question if I am able to achieve it. I don't even really know what the Trials are. But, they seem so impossible that I would rather give up my only goal than have to face them.
"It is so very childish of me," Obi-Wan's voice broke. "But I... I cannot escape these thoughts."
A calm silence encircled the pair. The Force seemed to know that Its children needed rest. But, after a gentle lull, the Force gave Qui-Gon a delicate nudge.
"I wish that I could tell you that there is some great secret to overcoming these thoughts," Qui-Gon whispered into Obi-Wan's hair. "I wish that I was as wise as you imagine me to be. I would share all of my wisdom with you and go searching for more, if that's what it took to free you from this."
Obi-Wan's breath hitched. Qui-Gon gave him a moment before he continued.
"I don't know of any such secret. But, that is because I too have yet to escape such thoughts."
"What?" Obi-Wan breathed incredulously.
"My padawan, understand that this does not make what you are going through any less important - it does not stop your experience from being valid. But, every Jedi I have ever met has felt this way. Still feels this way."
"How do you know?"
"They have told me. And, I have told them about my own experience. Even Master Yoda feels this way. He is no more beloved in the Force than you. He just has 840 years more practice living with these thoughts."
"Oh," Obi-Wan whispered.
"The Force, my little one, is not about succeeding. Being a Jedi is not about succeeding. I do not know that there is any real person who has succeeded in being a Jedi. Being a Jedi, following the Code, has more to do with picturing the best version of yourself and striving towards it. You may never truly achieve serenity, but it is enough to try to be more serene today than you were yesterday."
"But, Master Yoda says-"
"Yes," Qui-Gon quipped with a laugh. "He really does love that maxim, doesn't he?"
Obi-Wan couldn't help a little, watery laugh.
Qui-Gon went on, "I will let you in on a secret. There is no trying with the Force. You must have faith in it, and so to try is immediately to doubt whether you can touch it. But, with everything else in life, there is only trying. Trying to be kind, trying to be in harmony with other beings, trying not to have attachments... Trying to pass our Trials."
"Oh."
"And," Qui-Gon gently tilted Obi-Wan's chin up to face him. "I would be horrified if you were my padawan only so that you could become like me. I am the only old, grumpy, maverick Jedi that the Galaxy needs. Now it needs a kind, bright, gentle knight to balance out my old ways."
Obi-Wan gave another small laugh. Qui-Gon suddenly realized that his padawan was swift approaching sleep.
"You are enough, my Obi-Wan. You do not have to achieve anything in order to be enough. You simply are. So, whenever you try to grow, you are more extraordinary than you could ever imagine."
With those words drifting through the Force, Obi-Wan finally let himself fall asleep, once more breathing in the scent of his master's favourite herbal tea.