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“For Gods sake Penelope! Are you going to marry me or not?”
Penelope considered herself to be a fairly graceful woman. She was a good enough dancer for someone of her size and she managed to manoeuvre her way through crowded ballrooms without bumping into people or objects. If anything she considered her grace to be one of her better points. She certainly wouldn’t have had herself down as a woman who fell out of carriages.
But then she never would have had herself down as the woman Colin Bridgerton proposed to.
“Good God Penelope!” Colin’s hand reached for her and helped her back to her feet. “Are you alright?”
“Just fine.”
He stared at her nervously. “Are you certain?”
Penelope had felt shy with Colin before. But now she just wanted the ground to swallow her whole.
“It’s nothing really. You just…took me by surprise that’s all.”
“In what way?”
She stared at him. How could he not see why she was surprised by his sudden proposal – if she could even really call it that. He was looking at her as though she’d said the sky was green. Penelope brushed down her dress.
“Well. The fact you just mentioned marriage for one thing. And not just marriage, but marriage to me!”
“Well what did you think I would say?” Colin scoffed.
“Um….well not that.” She admitted.
“I can assure you, I do not behave as I did with a woman of your background without rendering a marriage proposal.”
“Oh.” Penelope nodded. “I see.”
When she was younger Penelope had dreamt of being proposed to. At first her dreams had involved a variety of men created from her imagination. When she fell for Colin, he became the sole figure of her dreams. Even during her first few seasons she had allowed herself to still hope. But none of her imagined proposals had ever gone quite like this.
“Don’t you have a reply?” Colin asked. “It is customary for a woman to say yes or no I believe.”
Penelope nodded “It is. I just….well I’m trying to work out what exactly you just said.”
Colin inched closer to her. “I should think it fairly obvious. I would not behave with a lady in that way if I wasn’t prepared to marry her.”
For the first time in her life, Penelope wanted him to stop talking. When she’d imagined Colin proposing it had been full of romance and passion. It had been nothing like that was happening now. A small part of her screamed to say yes. The man she had spent nearly half her life in love with, was asking to marry her. All her dreams were coming true. Yet when she thought about it. Penelope wasn’t sure they were.
“So….if that had been any other woman in the carriage you’d have offered to marry her?”
Colin nodded before he realised what her question meant and then hurriedly shook his head.
“I mean….yes if I had been doing that with another lady I would have asked her. But had it been another lady I wouldn’t have behaved in that way in the first place.”
That didn’t really make things better, Penelope decided. Colin reached for her and took her hand.
“We should go in before it rains. I need to speak to your mother after all.”
Penelope shook her head. “I’ve not even given you an answer yet.”
“Well no, but…” The smile was fading from Colin’s face. “You’re not planning to refuse are you?”
Penelope didn’t answer and the smile completely dropped.
“Penelope you cannot refuse after what just happened? Our behaviour in the carriage-”
“Which was seen by no one.” She reminded him. Colin shook his head.
“I wasn’t just referring to that. What about the fact that I now know you’re Lady Whistledown?”
“I fail to see how that links in with a proposal of marriage?”
“Because if I can find out then other people can? Supposing someone else discovered your identity? I can protect you this way.”
Penelope wasn’t exactly familiar with marriage proposals. But she was pretty sure they weren’t meant to be heart-breaking.
“So….you’re marrying me to protect me and my reputation?”
“Yes. No! Not just that.” He added hurriedly. “I mean yes there is that. But it’s not the only reason.”
“So if you hadn’t discovered I was Lady Whistledown, you would have still asked me?”
Colin paused and, with a small nod, Penelope slid her hand from his.
“I see.”
She moved past Colin, but he grabbed her hand back.
“Penelope wait! That’s not….Yes it’s true I hadn’t thought about proposing until just now. But I only realised how much I wanted you until now!”
Penelope stared into his pleading eyes. She knew he wanted her to say yes. She wanted to say yes. And yet she couldn’t. Because Colin hadn’t said that he loved her. He said he wanted her. They weren’t the same thing. With a small shake of the head Penelope freed herself once again.
“Thank you for your….attentions.” It was an effort to keep her voice steady. “But I cannot marry you.”
“Please just think about it.” Colin begged. “Please consider what you are doing? You might not get another proposal and-”
Her body stiffened and she backed away. Colin’s eyes widened in horror.
“No. Penelope I did not mean it that way!”
“It doesn’t matter.” She jutted her chin out. “You are correct in any case. I will probably never get another proposal. I’m very lucky to have even received one in my life. I’m not like Eloise. I don’t have the luxury of being a pretty Bridgerton who can refuse as many men as she wishes. I am well aware of my chances Colin. I have known them from my first day on the marriage mart. Yet please do not presume this means I will accept any proposal given to me. I may be a spinster through circumstance rather than choice; but I wish to marry a man who is asking me because he loves me. Not one who asks out of pity.”
“I am not asking you out of pity.” Colin growled. “Penelope I know I may not have expressed myself in the right way but believe me when I say-”
“We would never be happy Colin!” She burst out. “If we married we could never be happy!”
“You don’t know that.” He said softly. Penelope nodded tearfully.
“I do. Sooner or later you would come to regret it. And whilst you are too much of a gentleman to take up with a mistress, I know you would be unhappy. And that would make me unhappy. So you see, it wouldn’t work.”
“I would never regret marrying you.”
“You would. Colin, there is a reason why I have never received a proposal until today. That same reason is why you’ll one day regret making me your choice. And the fact is, I deserve to have someone who loves me. Who truly desires me and isn’t marrying me out of pity or as some noble sacrifice on their part. I deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else.”
Colin had no response to this, and Penelope glanced up at the darkening sky.
“You should head home. It look like it may rain soon
“Penelope-”
“Good day Mr Bridgerton.”
Colin’s shoulder slumped in defeat. “Good day Miss Featherington.”
Penelope didn’t bother to stand there and watch him leave. Instead she slipped inside and hurried across the hallway and up the stairs. Usually the heroines in the novels she read, would wait until they were safely in their rooms before crying. In her case, she barely made it to the top of the stairs before breaking down in tears.
Even as he knocked, Colin had no idea why he’d chosen to go to Hastings House of all places. The moment Penelope had shut the door on him, he’d turned and started walking. Initially he’d planned to go back to his lodgings to drown his sorrows. Yet his feet had instead taken him in the direction of Daphne’s London residence, and he’d managed to make it just before the heavens opened. Sheltering in the doorway as best he could, Colin knocked again. This time the door was opened in seconds and if the butler had any opinions on the fact he practically ran inside, he didn’t show them.
“Is Daphne home?”
The man raised an eyebrow. “Her Grace is at home yes. I shall tell her you’ve arrived. If you’d be so kind as to wait in the drawing room.”
Colin stifled a smile and followed a footman into the drawing room. Even after ten years, it still felt slightly strange to be calling on Daphne rather than them being at the same house. Despite being a boy, he’d always felt closer to her than Anthony or Benedict due to how close in age they were. Even when Daphne married that hadn’t changed. But since she’d had children whilst Colin had remained a bachelor; they’d drifted apart. Even so Colin realised, Daphne would always be the person he went to for advice first. Always.
“Colin!”
Daphne greeted him with a smile, and he hugged her close.
“Hello Daphne.”
She sat down on the closest sofa and he joined her.
“And before you ask, Jeffries is bringing us some sandwiches.”
Colin nodded. He was a little peckish now he thought about it. It’d been a busy morning after all.
“So then,” Daphne smoothed out her dress. “Not that it isn’t lovely to see you, but is everything alright?”
Colin nodded. “Daff….I we’ve not exactly been as close as we used to be in recent years, but I really need your advice about something.”
“Of course.”
“And you cannot tell anyone. Not even Simon.”
Daphne bit her lip. “Colin what’s happened.”
“I asked Penelope to marry me.”
Daphne’s worried frown dissolved into a beaming smile. “Oh Colin! Oh that’s wonderful news.”
“She refused me.” He interrupted quickly before she could get too carried away. Daphne’s smile faded.
“Refused you?”
Colin nodded. “She said she couldn’t marry me.”
Daphne gave a slow nod. “Are you….are you sure you were clear in what you were asking her?”
Colin narrowed his eyes. “Perfectly clear. Sister please don’t sit there and say Penelope wouldn’t refuse a proposal just because she’s-“
“I didn’t mean that.” Daphne shook her head. “I can well believe Penelope would refuse a proposal. I cannot, however, believe she would refuse yours.”
Colin opened his mouth to answer when the door opened, and Jeffries entered with a tray of sandwiches.
“Will there be anything else you require?”
“No thank you Jeffries.” Daphne smiled. “That will be all.”
With a bow, the butler left the room and Colin took one of the sandwiches before getting back to the topic in hand.
“I know. I admit I was confident she would accept given how she feels towards me. I fear she may have….misunderstood my reasons for proposing.”
“It’s not like you’ve been courting her.” Daphne agreed. “So a proposal sprung from nowhere would be a bit of a shock. Plus it’s common knowledge she had never received one. So it could appear that you were proposing out of pity I suppose.”
“But I wasn’t!” Colin burst out. “I want to marry her. Truly.”
“I don’t want to seem too forward,” Daphne said hesitantly, “but what were you doing before you proposed.”
Colin went red. This was not a conversation he’d want to have with Anthony. Never mind his sister!
“We were in my carriage.” He explained. “Why isn’t important. But we were there and….certain um….liberties were taken shall we say?”
Daphne nodded. “And then you proposed once these….liberties had been taken?”
Colin nodded and she rolled her eyes.
“Daff?”
“Well to engage in such activities and then receive a proposal immediately after isn’t the most romantic of things. Believe me, I should know.”
Colin nodded. It may have been ten years ago but neither he, Anthony, or Benedict were likely to forget the reason why Daphne ended up marrying Simon at all.
“It….It can make you feel like you are being offered marriage because it is a necessity. Not because the man wishes to spend his life with you. Because he loves you. I am incredibly happy with Simon and I love him so much. But I would be the first to say the circumstances surrounding our engagement were not exactly romantic.”
Colin sank back in his seat. “How do I fix this? I need to fix this Daphne. I need to marry her. I don’t think I can spend another second without her.”
“You propose to her. Properly this time.” Daphne added. “You give her the proposal she deserves.”
“But what if she doesn’t believe me?”
“She will.” Daphne said confidently. “Trust me. She will.”
Penelope paced around the drawing room of Number 5 with a sigh. She’d arrived ten minutes ago to meet with Eloise, only to be told that Eloise and Lady Bridgerton were both still on their shopping trip. She’d been shown into the drawing room to wait for them, but Penelope was wondering if it was worth it. This was the second time Eloise had forgotten their appointment and this time she didn’t have one of the Colin’s journals to have a sneaky look through.
At the thought of Colin, her heart panged again. It’d now been a two days since refusing his proposal and although she knew she’d done the right thing; Penelope couldn’t help but wonder. Most marriages were made by people who settled. By people who married out of necessity or as part of an arrangement. Why should she presume to hope for something more. The man she was in love with had asked her to marry him. Surely that was all that mattered?
“Penelope?”
She whirled round at Colin’s voice and her eyes widened.
“Colin! I didn’t…I was waiting for Eloise and…I didn’t know you’d be here!”
“I only just arrived.” He explained. Penelope nodded.
“I see. Well I should go. Eloise probably won’t be back for a while yet and I’ve no wish to make you feel uncomfortable so-”
“Penelope wait.” He shut the drawing room door and moved towards her. Penelope eyed the closed door.
“Colin you should keep the door open. Wickham at least knows we’re both in here. Without a chaperone.”
He shrugged. “It’s fine. So do mother and Eloise.”
“What?”
“I asked Eloise to make up an appointment with you so I could get you here. Both her and mother are out but they know what’s happening. Believe me it took a lot of convincing for my mother to agree to this plan. But I assured her nothing untoward would happen.”
“And she believed you?” Penelope raised an eyebrow. “I told you, you could get away with murder.”
Colin smiled weakly. “Well I have no intention of that, but I do need to speak to you.”
Penelope stiffened. Whilst she’d known she’d have to speak to Colin at some point. She’d hoped it’d be in the form of polite conversation at a dance. She wasn’t ready to revisit the discussion of his proposal. Colin was still smiling.
“Penelope, I wish to apologise for what I said the other day. I have realised that the way I proposed was wrong of me.”
“Umm….”
At least he wasn’t apologising for proposing in the first place. Penelope held her hands together in front of her. She couldn’t tell if this was something she was meant to respond to or not. Colin moved towards – closing the gap between them.
“I made it seem like I was only offering marriage because it was the right thing to do. I made it seem like I wanted to protect your reputation after our actions….and other things. When in fact, nothing could be further from the truth.”
Penelope’s mouth gaped open at this and Colin’s smiled grew.
“I admit that I only considered marrying you when I discovered the truth about Lady Whistledown. But I have realised that all that discovery did, was give me the push to do something I have wanted to do for some time.”
“Colin.” Penelope shook her head. “Please do not say things you do not mean to make me feel better.”
He was close enough now to take her hand and slide his fingers through hers.
“I mean everything I am saying.” He whispered. “Penelope, I want to marry you. Not out of pity or chivalry. But because I cannot go another second without you. I cannot bear the thought of spending my nights alone without you beside me. It’s almost as though your presence is the only thing that keeps me truly alive. I need you Penelope. I want you. I….” He gazed down at her with wide eyes as though he’d just realised the secrets of the universe.
“I love you.”
With one of Colin’s hands holding hers and the other subtly placed on her waist, Penelope was in no danger of fainting. But even with that support she still wobbled ever so slightly in Colin’s hold.
“You…you do?”
He nodded. “I do Pen. I think I always have.”
“But I’m not exactly….” She bit her lip as Colin’s hand moved up from her waist to softly cup her face.
“Whatever you’re going to say about yourself, don’t. You are perfect Penelope Featherington. Absolutely perfect. I do not know why other men do not see it as it is obvious to me, but never doubt that you are perfect.”
“And you do wish to marry me?”
“Yes!” Colin laughed. “Penelope I would happily jump into a carriage and go to the church now if I could!”
Penelope’s own smile was visible for a few seconds before Colin’s lips claimed hers. Both of his hands now cupped her face whilst hers rested against his chest. This kiss was nothing like the one’s they had shared before. This was softer. Slower. Colin’s thumbs ran across her cheeks and Penelope realised she must be crying as he wiped away her tears. Colin broke apart with a soft smile.
“Can you forgive me for being such an idiot the other day?”
Penelope nodded and Colin let her go of her face before sinking down onto one knee.
“I want to do this properly. You deserve nothing less.”
Penelope blinked back her tears as Colin took her hand and kissed it.
“Penelope. Will you make the happiest man in the world and marry me?”
“Yes.” She nodded tearfully. “Yes I will. Of course I will!”
“You….you will?”
Penelope nodded and he jumped to his feet.
“You will!”
“Yes!” Penelope laughed. “Yes Colin I will!”
With a wild grin, Colin slid his arms around her waist and held her close against him. “I love you so much Penelope Featherington.”
“I love you too Colin Bridgerton.”