Chapter Text
Looking back, Ema’s assertion that she’d always (what did “always” mean, Lana was starting to think about that a little more) loved Lana had a bit of merit to it. In fact, she might have been ready to confess to Lana, on at least one occasion.
It was an unremarkable night, in the way that nothing out of the ordinary was happening for the two of them. Lana was struggling to readjust to life outside of prison, life outside of the prosecutor’s office, and found solace in Ema; Ema was struggling to land a spot on the forensics team, and found solace in Lana.
Lana wasn’t concerned that Ema would do something drastic, but she really didn’t like the changes that she saw in Ema with every rejection from the forensics department. Ema was more snarky, more irritable, more reclusive—she hardly showed these behaviors to Lana, and when she did, it always seemed to be on accident, but Lana was pretty sure something was up when Klavier Gavin called her personal phone to tattle on her sister.
(“Oh my God. He seriously called you? Just ignore him, Lana. Ugh, how did he even get your number?”
“I think that’s a little irrelevant here. Why are you throwing Snackoos at your superiors?”
“Because he deserved it? Duh.”)
Ema had come in the door that night and slammed it so hard that the entire apartment shook. Another complaint from the neighbors would probably be coming soon, Lana noted. Ema stormed her way into the living room, sat on the couch next to Lana, and deflated.
“Again. Rejected a-fucking-gain.” Lana shot her a look. “What? I can’t say ‘fuck’ after being regarded as a professional failure for all of my career?”
No, you are not allowed to say “fuck”, Lana instinctively wanted to respond. But her priorities were elsewhere. It killed her to see her once ambitious and bright little sister talking about herself that way. “Ema, that’s not how it is, and you know it. And if you don’t, I’m telling you now. It takes time to be considered for these kinds of positions—”
“Lana, no offense, but you of all people can’t say that to me. And I’m not even talking about the promotion Gant gave you,” Ema argued. She was right; Lana probably should have chosen her words better. She hated that Ema did it, but she supposed it was inevitable that the younger sister would compare herself to the older, especially when they were in similar fields. “It doesn’t take time if you have talent, and apparently, I don’t.”
“That is not true. Ema, being accepted or rejected for a position doesn’t determine your worth.”
Lana wanted to wipe Ema’s tears away, but it seemed like she was trying so hard to pretend she wasn’t crying that Lana thought it’d be rude to acknowledge it. So, she didn’t. Instead, she laid a hand on Ema’s thigh in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture. In hindsight, had Ema taken it as something else? Is that why she chose that night to...
“I know that, I know that, but this...this is so important to me. And nobody cares but you, and you’re the one person I can’t ever catch up to. You’re the one person I can’t please.”
That threw Lana for a loop. “What do you mean?”
“I’m a fucking disappointment, that’s what I mean. You worked so hard for me to be able to study what I wanted where I wanted, and grow up happy, and—and you probably don’t even see me the way that I see you.”
It was there that Ema started sounding hysterical. Lana tried to soothe her, hands on her shoulders and her cheeks, but Ema was sobbing far too much for Lana to even try and stop her completely. “You’re not a disappointment. I’m so, so proud of you, words can’t even express...I know things were hard for us sometimes, Ema, but you always deserved more. That’s why I worked hard, that’s why I’ve done anything I’ve ever done. Because you’ve always been good, and you’ve always deserved it.”
“No, you don’t even get it—you don’t see the way I look at you? It isn’t obvious, the way I feel about you? And no matter what I do, you’ll never, ever feel the same. And I just got this thought in my head that maybe if I just did really, really well, that maybe I’d be worthy of that, and it’d be okay, but I can’t...so it’s not...but I can’t give up, either. And it just hurts, okay?”
(Holy shit, how had Lana not read between the lines? How could she have been so fucking dumb? Ema was telling her. Ema had been telling her.)
“I...I’m not sure I follow, Ema, I’m sorry...”
A scoff of disbelief. “God. Just forget it. I don’t even know why I’m saying all of this. Forget it.” A beat, where she must have realized how harsh she sounded. “Sorry, Lana...”
“No, it’s fine, I just...I want you to know that I do love you. And I’m so proud of you.”
(Or had she read between the lines? And had she maybe briefly thought, “it almost sounded like Ema was saying that she was in love with me”, then dismissed it as being too outlandish? Perhaps even cursed herself for thinking her sweet sister could ever have feelings so impure, even in a wandering thought?)
“I know you do. I mean—I know you are.”
“You mean everything to me, Ema.”
“I know...”
“So, please. Stop crying. I can’t bear to see it.” Lana gave her most winsome smile. “That’s the worst thing you can do to a big sister. If you keep crying in front of me, I might have to go give the forensics department a piece of my mind.”
Ema sniffled, then laughed a little, and Lana wiped away a tear with her thumb. Ema was probably glad when her phone started vibrating in her pocket, so Lana didn’t have to look at her tear-streaked face. She answered it without even looking. “Ema Skye.” Pause. Her face soured. “Are you kidding me? It’s eight o’clock at night, you glimmerous fop. Fu—buzz off.” Ema glanced at Lana. “I don’t remember inviting you to my pity party, Gavin. I’d rather cry alone, thanks.” But you’re not alone, Lana wanted to say, then promptly reminded herself that Ema was on the phone. “Whatever. Thanks. Next time you call me, make sure it’s for work.”
Ema hung up the phone, and gave the most drawn-out sigh Lana had heard in a while. At the very least, she seemed more ticked off than sad by then. “You should take a hot bath,” Lana suggested.
“Yeah. Okay.”
“And take your mind off of it. We can watch a movie.”
“Alright.”
“You can pick.”
“Okay.”
Ema stood up and shuffled out of the living room. Lana wanted to call after her, tell her she loved her again, but it seemed like she wanted to be left alone for a bit. Lana was like that, too; sometimes, she just wanted to lick her wounds. But, even if she understood that, it was hard to leave Ema alone when she was upset. Conflicted, she sat on the couch and waited for Ema to finish her bath. Like magic, when Ema came out, she looked a little...well, not happier, but at the very least, more neutral.
Ema scrolled through the on-demand movie selection, expertly giving her critique on movies she had never seen until she finally came to a rom-com set in France. It was extremely cliche, but Lana didn’t mind sitting through it—especially when Ema was giving cynical commentary throughout the whole thing that made Lana snicker.
When the movie was over, Ema seemed much more like herself, inquisitive and clever and happy. After she finished giving her extensive review of the movie, complete with debunking of even the smallest scientific falsities, she sighed, quite content, and looked Lana dead in the eye. “Thanks for watching this piece of garbage with me.”
“It wasn’t...unbearable.”
“It kinda was. But that’s why I picked it, so...” Ema seemed to be thinking, her fingers absently touching her hair where her goggles normally sat. “So, anyway, um, could you do me a favor and forget about anything I might have said?”
“About the movie?”
“No. Like, earlier, when we were talking about the forensics department...I kinda word vomited. And said a bunch of stuff that I maybe shouldn’t have said. I was just upset, y’know, and talking nonsense...”
“Oh, that’s fine, Ema. I won’t bring it up,” Lana said. She had been thinking about what Ema had said while she was in the bath, and yet, she still managed to miss the mark completely. “But, before we forget all about it...I think I understand what you were saying. And I think you’re very worthy of my approval, and anyone else’s. So you don’t have to worry about that. And you need not compare yourself to others, either—even myself.”
Lana had hoped that would relieve Ema of some of her stress. And she did seem relieved, but...not for the reasons Lana had first thought. “Okay, great. So, you didn’t understand what I was saying. Awesome. Okay. Well, then, g’night, Lana.”
“...Oh. I’m sorry. I thought I had—”
“No, it’s fine. Again, it’s something I should have kept to myself, anyway.” Ema stood, a little too fast for the calm atmosphere. “So, uh, good night.”
“I...alright. Good night, Ema. Feel better.”
“I already do. Don’t worry.”
Ema went off to her room and shut the door. Lana sat confused for a few moments, then wrote it off as another one of Ema’s eccentric moods.
And nothing changed between them.
Lana wondered what would have happened if she’d picked up on it, or if Ema had been more direct. Things might have been different, then, before Lana knew about Mia and Maya. It would have simply been unheard of, in her eyes. Maybe she wouldn’t have even been able to understand her own desire, or acknowledge it at all. But on the other hand, she wondered if maybe, a stern rejection from her then would have forced Ema to move on. Maybe Ema could have had a steady boyfriend, a husband, maybe she would have moved out by then—
And then Lana remembered that that would have killed her inside.