A-Crack On Slap

by violinzfa

Summary:

Eren Jӓger had everything mapped out: Attack Liberio, return home and meet Zeke. It was all part of his (not-so but he tried his best) genius plan to fool said half-brother and save Eldians without sterilizing his entire race.

What he didn’t account for was the sudden transportation of him and the rest of his friends to this oddly furnished room with a glowing picture frame mounted to the wall and a letter stuck to the center.

 

Crunch Crunch Crunch

 

“Well, this is a new one,” said Sasha.

~~~~~

Season 4 characters (or really right before season 4) watch A Slap On Titan!

Notes:

Please check out the actual series on youtube!

This whole fic is 50% Slap, 49% headcannon and 1% plot if you squint.

Chapter 1: Episode 1: Big Trouble in Little Shiganshina

Summary:

In which no one knows what's going on, angee Eren and Carla. What a queen.

Eren Jӓger had everything mapped out: Attack Liberio, return home and meet Zeke. It was all part of his (not so but he tried his best) genius plan to fool said half-brother and save Eldians without sterilizing his entire race.

What he didn’t account for was the sudden transportation of him and the rest of his friends to this oddly furnished room with a glowing picture frame mounted to the wall and a letter stuck to the center.

Crunch Crunch Crunch

“Well, this is a new one,” said Sasha.

“OOOOO LOOK AT THIS! WHAT COULD THIS THING BE?” Hange was way too excited for this. They quickly grabbed the letter and read the contents.

“To my favorite Eldians, I have summoned you all here today to witness a glorious amalgamation of you and 20th century comedy. Please seat yourselves and watch the screen. Nothing you see will be skipped and you may not leave this room until you are fully caught up with the most recent episode so I hope you all have gotten comfortable. Don’t worry about losing time here because you will return to the same point in time as when you left! When you are ready, say this phrase,” Hange then looked up to everyone.

“This has got to be bullshit,” Levi crossed his arms and clicked his tongue. “And you,” Levi kneed Eren in the gut and he fumbled the crutch he was holding, “where the fuck have you been? What kind of shit have you been around to make you all scruffy and shit-stained, huh?” Eren looked up at him with his eye with a tired expression. Levi clicked his tongue again in disgust. 

“Let’s just get this over with, yeah? I mean, we don’t even know who we’d be up against. If they could transport us all here, who knows what else they could do?” Armin tried to mediate. 

“Eren, why haven’t you healed yourself?” said Mikasa as she helped him up. 

“And undo what I did to myself?” he responded. Everyone showed varying degrees of shock and confusion.

“Well let’s all get comfortable and I’ll say the words,” said Hange as they changed the subject, hoping to change the awkward mood. Everyone sat in a seat and snacks appeared on the coffee table. Sasha’s eyes sparkled as she took a bowl for herself. Strangely, another bowl with the same snack materialized in its place.

“Oh my god this place is amazing,” she said with her face stuffed.

“Ugh, disgusting,” Levi said, wincing as she kept stuffing her full mouth. As the scene settled Hange took out the letter again.

“Alexa, Start!” they said aloud.

“Ok! Playing A Slap on Titan playlist on YouTube,” a female voice said from a cylindrical device. A ring of blue light surrounded it as it reacted to Hange’s voice.

Then the lights dimmed and the device on the wall which must have been the ‘screen’ the letter referenced began to play something strangely familiar.

As the scene panned and shifted around, young Eren, Armin and Mikasa were shown looking at the wall. Something red seemed to be on top of it. The drums beat ominously as the scene panned out to the wall, revealing the colossus titan. The music stopped.

“What’s good n****s???” he started, “This looks like a sandbox.”

Hange, Connie and Sasha immediately started laughing hysterically. Jean was trying to keep it together and Armin was attempting to covertly giggle. Levi, Eren and Mikasa seemed unimpressed. Then the opening credits finished and everyone returned their attention.

“Hey, failure,” Mikasa said as Eren was shown waking up suddenly.

“And I took that personally,” Eren said to no one in particular. 

“Eren, I would never say that to you!” said Mikasa near frantically. He had gone missing during their visit to Marley so she was still trying to reassure herself that he wasn’t gone forever.

“EVIL CROWS!!!” the crows appeared to say as they flew off.

“Damn straight. They shit all over the place. Fucking filthy bastards,” muttered Levi.

“Guess who gathered all the wood while you were sleeping,” Mikasa continued.

“The hell Eren? Why were you such a lazy ass when you were a kid?” Jean nearly yelled at the other, who stared at him disinterestedly before saying, “at least I wasn’t a little piggy bitch when I was a kid.”

“Damn Eren, what is up with you?” Connie looked at him with comically wide eyes. 

“I grew up. Unlike some people,” he muttered the last part.

“I wasn’t sleeping. It--it was insulin shock,” replied Eren as he pushed himself to a sitting position. 

“You’re NOT a diabetic,” she said in a disappointed tone. 

“And...You’re not a psychic!”

“You’re NOT a diabetic,” she repeated more forcefully turning around to face the boy. The scene shifted over to Eren, who had a tear welling up in his eye.

“Give… Give me a cookie.”

“What even is this bit?” Jean looked over to the Shiganshina trio who looked back at him and grunted an ‘I don’t know’ to him. 

“Why were you crying that day anyway?” Mikasa asked Eren. He furrowed his eyebrows a little before answering, “the founding titan mixed with the attack titan probably.”

“But you weren’t even a titan yet?” Armin piped in.

“Blame the founder Ymir then. I don’t know,” Eren turned his gaze back to the show.

“No, I don’t have anything,” Mikasa seemed to be getting more irritated.

“I could be lying here, DYING, all because of low blood sugar and your lack of snacks and you call ME a failure?!” replied Eren.

“You’re such an overdramatic wimp here Eren,” Connie pointed out.

“Are we not going to mention what the hell insulin is though? And why does blood have sugar?” Hange looked excited for the scientific advancements in the 20th century.

“Gosh, worthless,” Eren continued.

Then Eren snorted. Mikasa looked at him in shock and Armin thought he misheard. 

“You know you were sucking your thumb in your sleep,” Mikassa pointed out.

“Damn it, it’s not my fault, Mikasa!” he started, “you know I have an oral fixation,” his voice got whinney and the tear in his eye finally ran down his face.

“That must be why you bite your hand so much. You really went ham as you tried to transform the first time in the well, am I right?” Hange grinned.

“Do you even wash your hands before doing that? Think of all the dirt on them for god’s sake!” Levi felt his skin crawl but kept his expression blank. 

The scene changed to the town of Shiganshina where people are seen going about their daily lives. A wallist was heard in the background.

“All tha prophets were wrong. Do you know who was right?! DEEZ FUCKIN’ WALLS! Yes, the sacred walls that protect us from  tha demons-AH! They are for visions of the fuch-ah! All one must do is smash their head against the wall to receive a prophetic vision-AH! Why, I smashed my head so many times, I now exist in a perpetual state of hallucination! Puh-RAISE the walls!”

“Those wallists really are on something special in this thing,” Sasha gestured to the screen. 

“They weren’t even truly crazy when you think about it. They knew the secret of the walls,” Armin pointed out. 

“True but imagine if they were actually like this,” Connie brought up. The other trio laughed at the ridiculous notion.

Back with Eren and Mikasa, Eren said to her, “You better not tell Mom when we get back...My ears are still scarred from the last round of pinching.”

‘I should have treated her better. I didn’t even get to give her a proper goodbye and I had the audacity to talk about her like this? God I’m worthless,’ Eren clenched his empty hand so tightly that his palms began to bleed from his nails cutting into his palm. 

Mikasa seemed to notice and tried to bandage the cuts but Eren jerked away from her hands with a slight glare as steam formed around his hand. His eye and leg, however, did not heal. 

“Selective healing?” Armin thought out loud. What other tricks could Eren have learned?

“uh...Heeeeeeeeeeeeey, Eren!” said Hannes from in front of the two. 

“I kinda miss the drunken guy,” Armin reminisced then winced when he remembered how he ended up.

“Oh, look! An alcoholic ginger! What a surprise,” Eren frowned.

“Tha’s not tru--hehaaaa I’m only half ginger.”

“Even a drop is too much.” Eren spit at the ground.

“They don’t have souls,” cried Sasha as she took interest in the fruit platter.

“Ha! Well excuuuuse me, at least my mother’s history isn’t a family secret!”

“What?” Eren glared at the man.

“I didn’t think Mrs. Jӓger had any secrets? She was pretty much an open book,” Mikasa said into her scarf, hiding her frown.

“Your mom’s past! Ha, cause--” Hannes stopped for a moment in realization, “wait...you don’t know?”

“I’m kind of anxious to know,” Armin said to Mikasa and she nodded. 

Another soldier piped up, “He doesn’t know? Oh, snaps! Knowledge is about to get dropped!”

It turned back to Eren, “Hannes, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Eren, your mom was a MASSIVE whore back in the day,” Hannes revealed.

Just then a wood plank materialized and Eren punched the poor thing into oblivion from his spot on the couch. 

“That’s valid,” said Levi, thinking back to his own mother. While she most definitely wasn’t a whore, she was in a similar situation that unfortunately...Levi snapped out of it and forced himself to look at the unfolding story.

“No she wasn’t!” Eren replied.

Hannes’ tone became more serious, “look Eren, I’ve seen titans, and they’re scary as shit, but trust me when I tell you that even the worst of them couldn’t match your mom,” the other soldier walked up next to Hannes, “when it comes to the sheer amount of human meat that’s been in her mouth.”

“I know you’re dead and we cherished you like family, but respectfully, fuck you Hannes. You are such a son of a bitch here, even though it pains me to say that,” said Armin. Everyone was shocked at how their pure boi could say such colorful things!

The guy next to Hannes then laughed before saying, “dude, can you imagine the biomass that’s been under those sheets? I’m no expert, but it’d probably be enough to kick start an agrarian society.”

“Your mom, back in the day...it wasn’t that she was good at sucking dick, it was more like she had it down to an industrialized process,” Hannes continued.

“That’s actually kind of impressive when you think about it,” Hange put a finger to their chin. Eren, well, if looks could kill…

The other soldier spoke up again, “face it kid. Your mother’s such a whore, every night she goes to sleep under the AIDS memorial blanket.”

“My question is when will this end,” Armin nearly whined.

“And my question is what is AIDS?! Is it a disease? How many people die from it? What’s the prognosis?” shouted Hange, eyes sparkling and body leaned on Levi. 

“Stop shitting yourself over every little thing four-eyes!” Levi shoved them off of him.

“Troll-lol-lol-lol” The rest of the garrison soldiers laughed.

“That was creepy,” Jean shivered. Connie and Sasha nodded.

The scene changed to the market plaza.

“Random fish death!” the same voice as the crows said.

“You know how your mom and dad first met?” Hannes started, “Well, he’s a doctor and you know he saved the town from a plague.”

“Probably all of that medical knowledge from Marley,” said Hange. 

“Shouldn’t you have access to that knowledge Eren? Attack titan powers, right?” Armin brought up.

“The human body contains 206 bones. If I were to break half of them that person would surely die,” Eren’s demeanor changed to something more reserved but calculating. One could almost sense a bit of panic in his tone though.

“Eren! All of the experiments we could have done with the Attack titan’s abilities to see memories!” Hange whined with the back of their hand to their forehead.

“He found her and saved her from every STD known to mankind. She got free healthcare, and he got free epidemiology lessons. It was a match made in Heaven.” Hannes finished.

Eren balled up his hands in fists, shouting, “that’s bullshit!”

“Eren, your parent’s marriage was built on the sticky foundation of venereal diseases. Deal with it.”

One of the soldiers sitting back playing cards suddenly spoke, “dude Hannes, can you imagine what’s flowing through Eren’s bloodstream?” Hannes perked up. “I bet the kid is, like, literally riddled with syphilis. Syphilis riddled.” Then the scene zoomed in on the soldier, “Ryphilis!”

Eren nearly growled at the drunken men, “I am not syphilis riddled! I’m perfectly fucking healthy!”

“Can I--” Hange was quickly cut off by a ‘no’ from Levi and deflated.

“Says the child of a doctor. You know you only need a tetanus shot every few years, right?” Hannes points out. “Those weekly injections your daddy gives you aren’t for stepping on rusty nails, if you know what I’m saying.”

The Garrison does their ‘troll’ laugh again as the kids depart the gate and venture back home.

Hange was just about to grab a blood sample when Eren jumped a couple meters in the air and hissed at them like a cat. Mikasa jerked and twisted their arm so that they dropped the needle to the ground then she quickly let go.

“No!! Now I have to go find a way to sterilize it!” they cried.

“Sit. Now,” ordered Levi. They nodded and sulked in their spot.

The two were nearly back when Eren complained, “I can’t believe those guards. I know they’re lying. Bunch of lazy drunk idiots.”

“It's so weird to see the military in this dysfunctional state. I almost forgot it was like this,” Connie chuckled. 

“Yeah...” Sasha agreed with a smile before looking down at her lap.

“I still think you’re an idiot for wanting to join the recon corps,” said Mikasa.

“I mean, she had a point. A kid like you would be less than fodder,” said Levi. Mikasa’s face darkened as she glared at the captain, but she felt something darker behind her. Much to her surprise, it was Armin. She knew not to get in the way of this man and his dream of exploring the world.

“At least I’m not a lazy drunk!” Eren then paused. “Well. Okay, at least I'm not a drunk.” Then the bell rang, signaling the return of the scouts.

“At least you admitted to being lazy. Poor Mikasa. I mean, look at the sheer amount of sticks she has compared to you,” said Connie. Mikasa snorted and rolled her eyes with a smile. 

“I didn’t mind,” she insisted. 

“Hey, look! The Recon corps is back! Come on Mikasa, let’s cheer on the real heroes of humanity!” Eren grabbed her arm and ran off to the main road, tugging her with a bit of force.

Eren couldn’t help but blush at that. He was such a kiss-ass when he was a child so seeing his past innocence made him cringe internally. 

“We’ve already established that you worshipped us,” scoffed Levi.

“Oh look who it is. Bitch patrol,” said civilian a.

Civilian b taunted, “Bow-wow you people look messed up!”

A female shouted, “look at these pussies!”

“They look like gay Robin Hood!” another civilian who sounded suspiciously like the wallist said.

“Levi! How did you get your blades here?!” Hange wrapped their arms around the shorter man’s chest to prevent him from destroying the wall-mounted device. Then his blades disappeared, leaving Levi hanging limply in Hange’s embrace.

“Tch,” he clicked his tongue.

“Hey, there he is, Erwin! My friggin hero!” Eren looked at the man with blatant adoration in his eyes. 

Erwin looked at the boy and turned his head with a scoff, “ugh, children.”

Hysterical laughter was heard in Hange’s direction, but to everyone’s surprise it was actually Levi! 

“He would never say that!” he said between giggles. Then in a split second he corrected himself.

‘Collective hallucination it was,’ thought Armin as he  returned his attention to the screen.

Then Eren noticed the trail of injured soldiers behind Erwin.

“Way to fucking get dismembered asshole!” a civilian shouted.

“We’re ignorant civilians and therefore extremely unsympathetic to your suffering!” another followed up.

“Hey look! It’s the Ren and Stimpy show!” a final one said before the screen went black.

“I’ve heard worse,” Levi and Eren said simultaneously. They looked at each other with empty expressions then looked back at the screen. 

“Marley sure was exciting...” Sasha steered the mood away but then she remembered that Marley was technically trying to kill them and quickly shut her mouth.

“Bye pussies!” a civilian shouted at the scouts who disappeared into the distance.

Next to Eren, a balding man said, “man, those rangers are cowards.”

“No they’re not! They’re heroes! Take that!” Eren took a stick and hit the man.

An arm grabbed Eren from around the corner just as he was about to hit the man again. When the scene changed, Mikasa was shown dragging Eren by the back of the collar of his shirt until she chucked him at the wall of a building, back hitting the wall and sticks spilling everywhere.

“Mikasa, let me go! Let me go--aagh.” 

“Goddamn Mikasa! You had that man-strength when you were 10?” Jean whipped his head to face her. She blushed and pulled her scarf up.

“Jesus Christ Mikasa, you really need to lay off the bull shark testosterone and Bi-weekly steroid implant. Your like, way too strong for a girl,” Eren grunted from below.

“Is that what Grisha was giving you both? Seems a little over-the-top but he was a doctor so I guess I wouldn’t know,” Levi remarked.

“He didn’t give us anything. I would have seen it,” Eren said matter-of-factly. 

“What’s wrong with taking testosterone?” Mikasa asked.

“You’re, like, fucking 12, that’s what’s wrong.” Eren complained. “Girls your age should be menstruating or lactating, or whatever disgusting shit it is girls do...Vag’in out?”

Both girls raised an eyebrow to Eren, who was looking at them blankly. However, Jean looked as if he was going to burst a blood vessel. 

A light emanated from Eren, whose outfit changed. It was similar to his usual attire but with a hooded jacket. He was cleanly shaven and his hair was pulled back into a little bun. He was also completely healed. 

“I am weirdly turned on by this,” Connie blurted out. 

“Not bad Jӓger,” Levi complimented. Eren’s eyes went wide for a moment but then quickly reverted to apathy.

Eren was seen hitting the wall again.

“That didn’t happen like that,” Mikasa frowned. “I didn’t throw him multiple times.”

“Ok but you threw him in general,” Armin argued. Mikasa shrugged. 

“He needed to stop being a little shit.”

“Damn Mikasa, I didn’t know you had it in you!” Connie leaned over for a high five, which was awkwardly returned by Mikasa.

“Jeez, holy fuck Mikasa, I think you just permanently altered my spine. You should become, like, a chiropractor for hunchbacks. You could probably reset a Titan’s vertebrae alone. You could probably commit seppuku with an acupuncture needle,” Eren bitched.

“He really is a little bitch,” Jean agreed with Mikasa’s earlier sentiments.

“OK but can we test out the limits of the Ackerman strength???” asked Hange, smothering Levi.

“Damnit Hange, stay on your own side of the couch!” Levi attempted to push Hange off said couch. “And no.” They deflated.

“I really don’t know how to handle this. I’ve been crippled by your mutant strength and my personal issues with having a fake sister adding me to the disability registry,” the boy continued.

“And I’m crippled by the fact that you still won’t accept me as your sister,” Mikasa retorted. “And lover,” she muttered to herself.

Mikasa couldn’t help the blush that creeped up her cheeks, covering her face entirely. She went to smother her head with a throw pillow. Eren unconsciously patted her head in comfort. Jean glared at the two in slight jealousy.

“What’d you say?” asked Eren.

“Nothing. I am the night!” she quickly said to cover up her previous mistake.

“Oh god, don’t start that shit again. You’re enough of a hipster without the scarf.”

“It warms the darkness that is my soul.”

“It does though,” said Mikasa with a small grin. 

“Emo much, though?” Sasha brought up.

“It’s not a phase!” Mikasa pouted.

An image depicting the walls from a birds-eye view with a caption: The walls that protect humanity are symbolized by three beautiful goddesses--Sina, Rose and the one nobody likes, Maria. Seriously. She’s a bitch.

Another image depicting the human territory was captioned: x marks the spot where you die; No treasure here. Just titans; Death; More death; and in the corner, strip club.

“Where did they get this from, Marley?” Jean grumbled.

Finally the two kids arrived at the Jӓger home.

“Hey, we’re back.” Eren announced as he opened the door.

“Welcome home!” Carla greeted them as she cooked.

As Eren and Mikasa deposited the sticks, Carla cheered, “Oh sticks! My favorite!”

As Mikasa pumped water to wash her hands, Carla took hold of Eren’s ear.

“Ow Mom not again! What’s that for?” he whined.

“It’s cause you’re a lazy little shit! Those who don’t get wood, are no good!” Carla sang the last part teasingly.

“Your mom was a savage Eren,” Connie said in respect. 

“I believe in Carla Jӓger supremacy,” Armin agreed as Mikasa nodded.

“She was the baddest bitch,” Eren deadpanned, turning to the side and covering his mouth as his shoulder shook from hidden laughter.

As the family ate their meal, Eren began, “so, I heard some pretty interesting things at the guardhouse today.”

“And what was that?” prompted Grisha.

“Eren wants to join the recon corps,” Mikasa blurted.

The house fell silent for a moment.

“Shit’s about to come out,” snorted Levi. Everyone else rolled their eyes.

“What the fuck Mikasa!” Eren slammed his spoon onto the table. Carla rushed to his side and bent down to his height.

“Eren, is this true?” she demanded.

“Wha--yes!” he quickly answered.

“You told me those days were over! That’s it, Eren! Bedtime forever!”

“She lookin’ like she ‘bouta beat yo’ ass, Eren!” Connie laughed with unnecessary volume.

“Is no one gonna talk about the ‘bedtime forever’ comment though?” Sasha whimpered, grabbing a different bowl of snacks. 

“Damnit mom it’s what I want to do!” argued Eren.

“How could you? How could you keep this secret side of your life hidden away from me for years?” Carla demanded.

“...you sure you haven’t done the same yourself?”

Sweat drops from Carla’s cheek.

“Holy shit. He called her on it!” Connie exclaimed. 

“My mom wasn’t a fucking whore Connie!” growled Eren.

“I am still oddly turned on by you,” Connie blurted out yet again.

“HE’S MINE,” Mikasa wrapped herself around Eren protectively. 

“Ok...ok that’s fair,” Connie put his hands up in surrender.

Grisha popped into the conversation, saying “WELL EREN, HOW ABOUT US BOYS TALK THIS OUT.”

Eren turned to the man, “oh, hi there dad, you were so quiet there I didn’t notice you.”

“That’s because I’m a genie!”

“What the fuck?” Jean said in drawn out confusion.

The two look at each other.

Grisha broke the silence, “um, no. Look Eren. I am not mad at you for wanting to join the recon corps. Trust me. I do understand. And if you ever have any questions about any secrets you feel we may have kept from you...here’s the key to the basement.” He pulled out his key that was tied on a string as a necklace.

“The Forbidden Dungeon?!” Eren’s face lit up.

“That basement was pretty disappointingly normal,” said Mikasa. Levi and Hange nodded.

“Yes...that. When I get back, we’ll go down there and I’ll explain...everything...that you happen to see. But not until then. Promise?” Grisha was about to leave.

“He’s really making it sound like a sex dungeon,” Levi said nonchalantly. 

“Dad, this is the most you’ve said to me...ever,” Eren was dumbfounded.

“That’s sad but true,” said Mikasa, still draped over Eren. Armin wasn’t even phased since they always did this, much to Armin’s displeasure.

“I must be off! I have some vague business inside the empire,” Grisha tipped his hat and left. 

“Goodbye dear!” waved Carla.

“Take care!” he shouted without looking back.

“Just because your father is alright with you joining the Recon Corps, doesn’t mean I am,” Carla turned to Eren. 

“Oh yeah?! Well maybe I’m not alright with you lying to me about your filthy, sordid past!” Eren retorted before running off to go find Armin.

“Eren!” she reached toward the boy as he disappeared around the corner. Turning to Mikasa, Carla grabbed her shoulders and made her swear, “Mikasa, he must never know the truth. Protect him from it at all costs!” Mikasa nodded in acknowledgement.

“So Eren is a lazy, whiney bitch, Mikasa is an emo, Carla (and I would like to say this is not what I think of your real mom Eren) was a whore, and the civilians are dicks. Actually, they’re dicks in real life too,” Hange looked up thoughtfully at the ceiling.

“I think it’s pretty accurate,” said Levi. 

“Pffft!” Hange covered their mouth to prevent their laughter from escaping, along with everyone else except Levi and Eren. 

Elsewhere in Shiganshina, Armin is getting beat up by bullies.

“Ha! Stupid nerd! Reading books and shit!” one of the bullies taunted.

“This is my first scene?!” Armin lamented. “How embarrassing!” He used his hand as a visor and put his elbow to his knee. Eren put his hand over Armin’s free one, and Mikasa rubbed his back.

“Hey, at least be grateful you have intro scenes! We haven’t even been shown yet, and the red bar is almost at the end!” Jean said dramatically.

“I hope you enjoy this. You’re the stronger one now.” Armin glared at the one who held him by his collar to the wall. “But one day, I’m gonna grow up,”

“And boy did he grow! You literally tower over them now in your titan form,” Connie slapped the poor guy’s back.

Armin let out an “eek!” in surprise. 

“and I’m gonna teach myself how to make chloroform and knock you all out. Then, I’ll drag you down into my basement and chain you to the foundations. The first thing you’ll see upon waking is me standing before you as your new God,” Armin continued. Then his pitch went lower, “and then I’ll make you worship me in ways no one has before.”

The scene went quiet.

“Armin is messed up in the head but fortunately still smart here,” Levi tallied.

“Do you know how to make chloroform now?” Sasha turned to Armin, who looked back at her, bored.

“I guess you’ll never know,” he smirked. Sasha shivered.

“Not bad, Arlert,” praised Levi.

“Noooo! What happened to our pure boy?” Sasha cried with potatoes in both hands. 

“Knowledge,” Eren replied monotonously.

A small time skip shows the Shiganshina trio meeting up by the canal at sundown.

“And what did they do after that?” asked Eren.

“They beat me up and took my book,” said Armin sadly.

“Again?” Eren said with exasperation.

“Yeah, and it was a good one.”

“It was technically also an illegal book too,” Mikasa pointed out.

“Speaking of which, weren’t all the books you read for fun illegal?” asked Eren.

Armin thought for a moment. 

“I never actually thought about it, but yeah, I think they were...” Armin trailed off.

Levi sighed, “I swear. Both you and Erwin.”

“Heh. I guess so,” Armin remembered fondly of their fallen commander.

“How do you cope?” Eren continued his interrogation.

Armin began explaining, “Well, I started off by writing dark poetry, and then worked my way up to hand-sewing perfect doll replicas of my tormentors, then placing each doll in a pentagrammic circle and stabbing out their eyes before extinguishing their souls in a ritualized fire ceremony.”

There was a beat.

“Wow Armin. That’s kinda fucked up.” Eren concluded.

“I think it’s almost impressive!” Hange perked up with interest. “I wonder about the details and preparation that must go into all that!”

“Only you, Hange,” Jean sighed. “I’m with kid-Eren on this one.”

“It gets worse,” Armin followed-up. Then there was a crack followed by lightning. Civilians were running and screaming in fear.

The Shiganshina trio froze. Realization crept up on the rest of them. Eren clenched his fists until they shook and steamed from his nails biting into the skin. Mikasa looked defeated. Armin looked...livid. 

It was the fall of wall Maria.

“What was that?” said Eren.

“Where did it come from?” said Armin.

Looking through an alley the trio saw a man point, “over there!”

Armin’s and Mikasa’s eyes drooped, frowning at the familiar scene.

Eren was oddly...calm? Levi knew better. He could see the look in Eren’s eyes and he knew it well. He wore the same look. After Erwin decided to join the Shiganshina recapture mission. After Kenny walked out on him. That expression when you just know and you can’t do anything to stop it.

“Armin! Wh-what the hell man!?” Eren ran over to the other boy who was already looking up at the wall. Then he saw.

“By the wall!” a man yelled.

“By the wall indeed!” replied another.

“Is it Jesus?” someone suggested.

Jean snorted then looked at everyone else.

“Sorry that was uncalled for,” he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

Epic brass music began to play as the colossus titan was revealed. 

Then the music abruptly stopped and the titan spoke, “what’s good n****s?”

“Holy shit!!!” squealed Sasha. Connie wailed out, laughing as tears streamed from his eyes. 

“The titans are on drugs. Good to know,” Levi said with a smirk. 

“This is literally the big moment and they made a joke out of the whole thing. So many people died that day and they’re just going to make fun of it?!” Armin growled. 

Eren put a hand on his shoulder, “sometimes you just gotta say to yourself ‘fuck it,’ and maybe, just maybe ‘chill the fuck out’ because shit like this can’t affect you then.”

“Is that why you’ve turned into such a depressed-ass looking bitch?” said Jean with an eyebrow raised. 

“Dang, that was actually a good one-liner,” complimented Connie.

Jean turned to him, “coming from you, I almost feel bad now.” Levi choked on his tea. 

“Girls, girls, you’re both pretty. Can we get on with this? I’d like to study the new titan behaviors!” said Hange, notes in front of them. By the look of it, they had a good 2 pages already, despite having only seen the titans for a minute on the screen.

The colossus titan resumed, “Dis looks like a sandbox!” The background music changed to a more hip-rap style. “Why don’t I invite myself in?” Then he swung his leg back while he sang, “can’t wait to dig your love.” The wall burst and debri flew as the titan’s foot connected with the Shiganshina gate. Windows shattered, people flew and dust clouded the gate.

“Real shit n****, no Pixar! Yeah! I got me a glory hole!” the titan exclaimed. The scene pans to outside the gate, showing many pure titans going toward the hole.

“Protect me I’m old!!!” an old woman yelled before she was flattened by debri. Then the screen went black again.

“This whole thing is uncomfortably hilarious and I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry, ” Sasha’s expression was half horrified, half awkward smile and 100% confused.

“I don’t know either. It doesn’t look like the scene’s over though, so let’s keep going I guess,” suggested Connie. Everyone agreed.

“Are we safe? Did any titans come through?” asked Armin as everyone around him screamed. 

“Of fucking course, idiot,” Armin mumbled to the younger versions of himself, fully aware that it was futile.

Titans began to flood Shiganshina through the newly opened gate, each saying something wildly inappropriate for the given situation.

“MMMM mmm, I smell some crackerjacks!”

“Look at all these lil mu’fuckas running around out here!”

“This like Candyland!”

Armin looked amidst the chaos before realization hit, “Eren!” Eren on the other hand was mindlessly walking in the opposite direction of everyone who was running away.

“Mom… Those rocks fell near mom,” his voice trembled.

“No...No!” reached out Armin.

Everyone was silent. Eren Looked at the screen in silent fury. Mikasa was close to tears and Armin gave her a side hug. He didn’t see the horror they did that day and now he got the feeling he was finally about to.

Armin noticed his shaking arm and used his other to stabilize it. “Steady your hand, Armin. You can’t let them see it shake when you take your revenge,” he muttered darkly to himself.

Back with the other two, Eren ran to the crushed form of his house with Mikasa in tow.

“Mom! Mom!” he yelled as Carla was brought back from unconsciousness. “Quick mom, where does it hurt?!”

“My...everywhere,” she whimpered.

“Help me lift this!” ordered Mikasa. Eren and Mikasa proceed to try and lift the ruins off of Eren’s mom with little success.

“How many Titans are there?” asked Carla. Eren looked up over their neighbors houses.

“There’s only,” he looked as the titans roamed the streets, “a million of them.”

A titan with a too-wide smile walked over and said, “Dayyyyummmm, this like an all-you-can eat BOO-FETT. Look at these lil snacks running around! We eatin’ good tonight! Large ‘n in charge!” 

“Wait, that’s the titan that ate Hannes...” Armin recognized that awful smile.

“I know this is a really bad time but your stepmom ate your mom and you ate your dad,” Connie started, “like damn man, that’s pretty messed up.”

Eren didn’t even look up at Connie. He just laughed. That same deranged, heartbroken sound that bled through his lips as he screamed out his frustrations. His weakness. Mikasa sobbed into his back but Armin was frozen. He only saw Hannes, not Mrs. Jӓger. Even still, he thought he was ready, but as the events progressed, the stronger his desire was to skip it all.

Eren looked up at it, “oh my god that is so scary.”

Carla looked at the boy with tears in her eyes, “oh my god Eren, Mikasa is totally bitching you right now. I can actually feel her lift the post all by herself. You have the musculature of a trout. Watching you two lift this post is like watching a deathmatch between Iron Man and Jiminy Cricket.”

“Man, that was brutal. Was your mom actually this savage?” asked Hange. They were so invested in the plt and hilarity that they nearly forgot about the others. 

“She certainly was a force of nature,” Armin answered for the other two, who were still crying. 

“Can we STOP with the sibling rivalry?!” grunted Eren.

“I’m sorry, this really is a horrible time for it. I’m sorry,” apologised Carla. “But SERIOUSLY, it’s unbelievable. Look at her! It’s like watching a Herculean legend!”

“I can’t!” Connie and Sasha laughed. “She’s amazing!”

Mikasa’s face twitched with tears in her eyes as she realized she couldn’t lift the post.

“I’m trying dammit!” Then Eren screamed as if that would give him the strength to lift it up.

“Agh my femur!” cried Carla, choking a bit at the end. The titan was nearly there.

Carla looked down to the ground. “It’s no use, Eren. Not even Mikasa’s man strength can get me out of here,” said Carla defeatedly. Eren looked back to her, horrified.

“Jesus,” cursed Jean. 

“It’s meeeee! Captain Hero!” Hannes zipped over to them. “Oh hey Eren. Man, this is awkward. Hey Clara, weren’t you on your knees last time we met?”

“Goddamnit Hannes,” Armin muttered. 

“That isn’t even her name!” wailed Mikasa, then she went back to crying on Eren’s shirt.

“Hannes, save my spawnlings!” shouted Carla.

“Don’t worry Clara, when’s the last time I ever disappointed you?” Hannes smirked.

“CONTEXT!” Eren said but internally screamed at the same time.

“Bleach. Now,” Levi groaned.

“Never took you for a prude, Levi,” Hange nudged their elbow at his ribs.

“Tch, shut up shitty-glasses,” he turned his head, cheeks warming up slightly. Hange continued to giggle. 

“Don’t worry Eren, I’m going to save all three of you and then be richly rewarded in bed with your mom,” Hannes drew his blades and ran to the titan. ‘God I feel like a young man again. Even better her legs are broken so she can’t leave the bed, not that she’d ever want to IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING!’

Levi clicked his tongue again in disgust, or maybe pent up sexual frustration, being that the last person he may have gotten married to died before his eyes... Yeah... it was probably more the latter.

 Hannes continued his internal monologue, ‘god hannes, you might have a name that sounds like a Neanderthalic troll trying to drool out the Hanes logo, but deep inside you are a badass!!!’ But as soon as he was meters away from the titan, his face fell.

“Bitch, you look like some french fries from McDonald’s.” The titan looked down on him. Hannes quickly put away his blades.

“Nope!” he ran back to the Jӓger house ruins, picking up Eren and Mikasa.

“Fuck!” Eren grunted through gritted teeth, slamming a fist so hard into his leg, that he broke his hand for a minute before it healed. Mikasa flinched at the sound of bones cracking.

“What about mom?!” Eren said forcefully. 

“Sorry kid, blowjobs aren’t that good,” answered the garrison soldier. He turned to Carla, “You were a...very virtuous woman.”

“Hannes, I know we went our different ways. But I am glad for the time we spent together. Thank you for saving my children!” teared up Carla as she watched them leave her for dead.

“WHAT. NO. MOM,” Eren couldn’t even form a sentence as he was forcefully taken from his mother.

“Come on!” Hannes turned away from Carla.

“YOU AND HANNES?” shouted Eren as his mother got further and further away.

“Ugh, that’s gross,” Armin covered his mouth in disgust, but Eren returned to passivity. 

“I’m sorry--” she began but Eren cut her off, screaming, “HOW COULD YOU SLEEP WITH A GINGER?!”

“Dammit Eren this is no time to be slut shaming! I was wrong to keep these things from you! But one day you will understand! You will live! You will grow old!” she choked up.

“That line didn’t age very well,” Eren snorted. Because the curse of Ymir was sadly a thing.

Tears streamed down Carla’s face as she muttered again, “You will live...”

 “MOM NOOO!!!” Eren cried in anguish. 

The smiling titan grabbed Carla by the waist saying, “mmmmmmmmm bitch you look like a potato chip!”

As she struggled in the hand of the titan, Carla called out to Eren, “never forget the power of love, Eren!”

Eren was now seated on Hannes shoulder, “MOM I SERIOUSLY CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW!!!”

“Eren! Mikasa! I love you!”

“NO MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!”

The titan cut off Eren with a crunch. Blood droplets seemed to fly in the air in slow motion as a voice narrated, “on that day, human kind received a grim reminder. That the titans stood ready to devour us at a moment's notice. That we were doomed to live forever within these walls. That Eren’s mom was a fucking legend.”

The ending theme began.

“I’m gonna be right back,” said Armin, looking a little green. 

“That day in the mess hall,” Jean was disgusted with himself, “you were remembering that moment when Mina and the others asked about normal titans...I’m sorry.”

Levi looked as if he wasn’t there for a moment, but as soon as Hange poked him, he put them in a choke hold. 

“L-le-evi!” they gasped, hitting the spot between his arm muscles with the heel of their palm in hopes that the pain would ground him.

“Captain!!” Connie froze, unsure how to deal with the situation without getting his head cut off. Eren seemingly materialized out of nowhere, bringing the shorter man’s ear to his chest. The sound of a beating heart seemed to snap the captain out of it. He quickly removed himself from Hange with a gasp that immediately snapped to anger. Running a hand through his hair, he gripped it at the roots and cursed at his little display of weakness. 

Armin came back at that point, still a bit pale but looking much better. Levi took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and splash his face with cold water.

“Don’t forget guys! It only goes up from here, right? Then you all trained to be soldiers!” said Hange in an attempt to raise everyone’s spirits. 

“Oh yeah! I wonder how they did Commandant Shadis,” Sasha looked up as if to ask the ceiling.

“You think he’s nicer?” Connie was just grasping for straws at this point.

Everyone collectively looked at each other, blinked and simultaneously said, “Nah.”

Chapter 2: Episode 2: All Aboard the Pain Train

Summary:

In which Eren is baby and a homicidal genius, Mikasa is mothering the EMA trio, and everyone else is just vibing.

Also, Ackerman supremacy and 'we did it differently in Shiganshina' (y'all should check out The Shit Eren Does for more insanity and it's where I got the quote from).

“Well, now that everyone is back, I think the next one is starting,” said Hange. Everyone was seated back in the same spots as last time. 

The opening theme played then the scene changes to a crow pecking at a corpse.

“Really? We’re still doing this bit?” Jean complained. He was tired of seeing death. There hadn’t been a death by pure titan in years after they were practically eradicated from Paradis. Seeing this was just...pathetic in some respects.

“Evil crow,” said a random crow amongst the destruction. 

“All these crows and dead people, ey?” said Hange. “what a murder, am I right?” They nudged Levi and looked toward the group.

 “...what?” asked Jean.

Sasha face-palmed. “You know, like a group of crows,” she tried to make him understand without giving away the joke.

Jean stared back blankly.

“A group of crows is called a MURDER Jean!” Armin sighed as the gears finally turned in the mullet-haired man's head.

When looking on the rooftops, smoke was seen coming from every corner.

A radical civilian walked about spouting ignorant and arrogant words, “oh no, you said. The world isn’t ending, you said. Well, look who’s laughing now. You doubted me for years, but me and my trusty dust broom...we were right.” The man kept walking in the opposite direction of the escape boats and wall Maria gate. 

“Hey idiot! The exit’s the other way!” said Jean in disbelief. “These fucking wallists before the truth was revealed make me wanna just--aaarrrgh!”

In a nearby home a girl whimpers, “it’s like daddy when he’s drinking,” as she attempts to hide there with her mother.

“Least it wasn’t Kenny,” Levi muttered darkly. After revealing he was Levi’s uncle with his dying breath, Levi didn’t even know anymore. His family was jank and everyone he grew to love like family slowly died. At least he had Hange, but how much longer until they sacrificed themselves? And the damn brats too. This hodge-podge lot that made up the higher-ups in the survey corps was so much like a family that it scared him. He realized how attached to them he was becoming. ‘Fuck’ he thought.

“If you’d only banged your heads against the wall like me, but no,” the wallist continued, “Now you have no idea what to do, and we’re all gonna die.” The scene pans to the gate where numerous titans of all sizes are running into the walls from.

“Well, fuck you too wall guy! They at least don’t have the constant hallucinations!” Armin said with great annoyance.

A girl runs around the corner, only to be met with a dead-end. “Oh no. Walls. My weakness,” her hands hit the wall to prevent her from running her head into the wall. Then she covered her mouth in hopes the titans wouldn’t hear her.

From above, a titan said, “peek-a-boo bitch! I hope you pregnant, ho. You know I need them pre-natals.” Then it picked her up by her head.

“What do you guys think pre-natals are?” Hange stage whispered. 

“Seriously not the time, commander,” Jean whispered back.

The people of Shiganshina were scared shitless, running toward the wall Maria boats and gate.

The wallist from before continues, “that’s right, run you fucks. You don't have the power of the dust broom.”

“Well neither do you, asshole. Those blades are specifically only issued to the survey corps,” Levi crossed his arms.

“Ah yes cleaning up humanity, one mop strike at a time,” said Mikasa in faux seriousness.

“I don’t see the issue with them. They work just fine for me.”

“There is literally no sharpness or durability on those things though. Literally how, Captain?!” Jean waved his arms, gesturing as if he was swinging invisible mops at titans with little success. 

“Suck it up, brat. I'm Captain fucking Levi. I kill titans and clean the SHIT out of floors,” huffed the older man.

“Oh thank god I wore my best clothes for judgement day,” after finishing his statement, the man stopped and looked to his left. A titan loomed over him reaching over to grab the man off the bridge.

“Oh, thank you. Thank you for proving me right,” he sobbed happily. “This is literally the happiest day of m-” Then as the titan brought him up and chomped down, the wallist screamed in pain.

“Oooo,” Hange winced, “he kinda deserved that one.” Everyone hummed in agreement. 

Back with Hannes and the two kids, Eren started hitting Hannes in frustration, “you bastard! You slept with my mom!”

“Jesus, Eren. Get off,” Hannes threw the boy off his shoulder and out in front of him.

Connie and Jean winced at the sight of a child being thrown.

Mikasa yelled out, “Eren!” right after she saw him hit the ground. Hannes let go of her as she grit his teeth in anger.

“Holy shit, did you see that?! I just fuckin’ Morpheus-ed your ass,” Hannes said, impressed with himself.

“He really didn’t need to do that,” Mikasa furrowed her eyebrows and pouted slightly. 

Eren shook his head, “no, it was right of him to do that. I was being a little shit, after all.” Armin gave him a sad look of understanding. 

“We all were at some point,” Levi rested his chin on his palm, hunching over to rest his elbows on his knees and averted his gaze.

“Yeah,” Hange agreed softly.

“Oh my god,” Eren dramatically whimpered, “I can’t hear out of my left ear. I think I’m leaking spinal fluid.”

Mikasa reassured him, “No! It’s okay, you just pissed yourself.”

“Oh, thank god.”

Jean, Connie and Sasha burst out in laughter. Hange and Armin snorted at the notion.

“Disgusting Jӓger!” Levi scrunched his nose.

“Hey, this is coming from the same guy with an oral fixation, so in all seriousness it’s actually pretty in-character,” Armin pointed out. 

“You are totally right,” Jean blinked.

“I’ll take care of you Eren,” Mikasa manhandled the taller man so that he was on her lap. She propped her arm on the arm of the couch and let his head rest in the crook of her elbow. Armin let Eren’s legs rest on his lap.

“Really, Mikasa,” Eren raised an eyebrow.

“Of course! You never properly processed your mother’s death so I will be your caretaker figure!”

“Okay, A: I’m literally 19 and B: you’re basically my little sister.”

“No,” she shook her head then declared, “you’re my baby brother and I will take care of you.” Mikasa tightened her grip on Eren when he tried to move away.

“You’re better off doing what she says, Eren. Don’t you remember last time she was in a frenzy?” said Armin sweetly. 

Eren’s eyes widened as he remembered. Mikasa nearly got herself killed in an attempt to save Eren, who argued with her about something minor earlier without resolution. It was a horrifying bloodbath that took Levi, Hange and Eren to tame. After that day, everyone knew the lengths Mikasa would go to in order to keep Eren safe. 

“I suppose I may as well get comfortable then,” Eren adjusted himself slightly so that he was on his side. Jean of course wished he was Eren in that moment.

“Damn Eren, you got fucked up,” Hannes said as the children looked back at him.

“I hate you, Hannes!” growled Eren from the ground.

Hannes got down to his knees, “Eren, you got to understand. Your mom was a human being, who had human needs, and I was just the person who happened to be around to fulfill them...”

“He never slept with my mom for the record,” Eren threw out there.

Eren’s expression turned wide-eyed and feral as he went to lunge at the man.

Hannes caught his arm. “But Eren you need to accept me,” he continued as they both struggled. “If not for your mom’s sake...” Hannes faced the boy with tears streaming from his eyes, “then at least because I might be your father!” The two stared at each other with tears running down their cheeks.

Hannes realized, “ah, shit! She didn’t mention that, did she?”

“You kinda had that coming,” Armin patted Eren's back as the other gave an annoyed hum.

“What are the odds?” Eren’s voice cracked from his crying.

“What?”

“What are the odds that you’re my father?!” Eren said more forcefully.

“It’s only 20%...well more like 30%”

“No...god no!”

“That would actually have been better than what I ended up with. The Jӓger’s suck. My aunt was eaten by dogs; my grandparents were brainwashed by Marley; my brother sold my dad and his first wife out to the Marleyan government to be turned into pure titans; my brother is literally the beast titan and his mom ate my mom, who I then killed, but not before I ate my own father,” Eren was panting by the end of his list. 

“Wow. I don’t think you’ve ever told us your family’s history with that...diction,” Hange commented, impressed by how fucked up it was. 

Eren made a non-committal noise as he traced his finger on the couch cushions.

“Look, I’m sorry I launched you like a baby getting drop-kicked by a gorilla,” said Hannes.

“What is that?!” said Hange, eyes sparkling. Their notebook now had around 5 pull pages of notes.

Eren smirked at the thought of a Marleyan zoo he saw from Krueger’s memories. “Zeke's titan but more person-sized.”

The soldier stood up, “but we need to go!” He grabbed Eren and Mikasa’s hands, then began walking toward the boats.

Eren angrily muttered to himself, “I am not a ginger! I do not have ginger blood!”

“They don’t have souls!” Sasha dramatically put the back of her hand on her forehead in despair.

“Bitch, I might be part ginger then...” said Eren as Mikasa played with his hair. Then she tugged on a lock that was close to his nape.

“Fuck!” gritted out Eren.

“Sorry,” Mikasa definitely wasn’t.

Over by the gate, soldiers were evacuating civilians.

“So guys, uh, I know you can totally take the wide open, direct gate out of the city, but, uh, we would really rather you choose to evacuate by sitting in line on an overcrowded dock, so, you can try your luck at getting a seat on board an escape boat,” one of the soldiers announced.

“Okay, I know they were just going by protocol but that is a bit of an oversight,” Hange frowned with their arms crossed.

“They really shit the bed on this one,” agreed Levi.

“It’s really the best idea guys, ‘cause nothing says escape like a pre-industrial sailboat,” the shrill-voiced soldier finished.

“Yeah. Our tech was pretty bad until the Marleyans came over with their current tech,” said Hange.

A man yelled at the soldiers, “I bought a fucking ticket, let me through god damnit.”

Another soldier by the entrance to the boat yelled over the crowd, “we can only accept a few more, there isn’t enough room.” 

The crowd began ranting and Armin turned his head as each person spoke their sentence, “Not enough room! Who could have seen this coming? But boats are infallible! This is unacceptable disaster management.”

“Armin, you should sit down,” said Mr. Arlert, Armin’s grandfather. 

“But grandpa, I want to see the dead people,” Armin complained.

“I got you, my friend,” Eren snapped his fingers into finger-guns.

“What?!” Armin flinched.

“Wut.”

“...no?” Armin finished weakly.

 Armin looked back into the crowd, spotting Eren and Mikasa with empty gazes.

“Hey look my friends!” Armin cheered, but then he noticed their expressions, “oh...”

More ranting was heard as the scene zoomed in on Armin’s friends

“Let me on the boat!”

“Out of my way.”

“Fuckin poor people.”

“I don’t care about your fucking kids!”

“Go to the other boat.”

Mr. Arlert laughed, “ha! Little shits! Trauma builds character.” Armin looked back at him with deep interest.

“Heh,” Levi chuckled, “it’s funny ‘cause it’s true.”

“Yup!” said Hange in agreement.

A large titan walked through a bridge and broke it to dust. Two soldiers looked toward the town from the gate.

The left one with an odd accent (or at least not from inside the walls) said, “look man, you really need to start thinking positive.”

“There is a titan bearing down on us. What is there to smile about?!” The guard next to him replied frantically.

“We have three canons against one titan - there’s no way we can miss.” 

They missed.

“Great! Got any more positive vibes, douchebag?” 

“Well, at least the gates aren’t closing behind us...”

They did.

“Any MORE positive vibes asshole!?”

“Your glass - half empty. Look at this glass half full. At least they're not armoured.”

The armored titan appeared.

“There is no way that would be a logical progression of thought for those pea-brained soldiers,” sassed Armin. 

“Preach,” Eren said. He looked like he was about to fall asleep from Mikasa’s coddling. She ran a hand through his hair, massaging the scalp lightly where Eren had leaned to her touch.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” the nervous guard said.

“OK, this is some bullshit,” the first one agreed.

“Hey Harold! That glass you were talking about. I’m pretty sure it just got smashed, trampled AND GROUND INTO OUR FUCKING EYEBALLS,” guard 2 yelled at the armored titan did exactly that to the troops, checking the mall Maria gate with his shoulder. Unhinging his jaw, he let out a jet of steam from his mouth.

“Bitch,” Jean said.

“Nah, worse than that,” said Connie, “more like two-timing-asshole-that-won’t-fucking-die-cuz-he’s-a-bitch.” 

On the boat, civilians reacted to the wall being broken through for the second time.

“Well thank god we’re on the poop deck ‘cause I just shit myself.”

“Sounds like your kind of humor Captain,” said Mikasa.

Levi grunted.

“Seriously guys this is getting out of hand!”

“How are you not pooping yourself right now?”

“Oh god. The smell!”

“Shut up pawn!”

“You’re not the boss of my bowels.”

“Motherfucking titans.”

“Disgusting,” said Levi. 

An image of a map of the walls is shown with the caption: Sometimes animators get lazy and use the continents of the world as a placeholder for lakes. 

“What are ‘animators’?” asked Sasha before she gasped, “do you think they have food?” She reached over and shook Connie by the shoulders. “I NEED TO KNOW!”

“Goddamnit Sasha! Get a hold of yourself. You already ate 5 bowls of whatever crunchy stuff was in those bowls,” Jean tried to pry her off of Connie and thankfully succeeded. 

Another image depicting where they got their minerals from was captioned: Only the rich can afford to live near the raised center. In the empire, altitude is an accurate measure of douchebaggery.

The scene changed to a bird-eye view of the carnage. The setting sun cast reds over the land that gave the illusion of  a fiery field.

Many civilians continued to rant.

“This sucks!”

“Oyster buffet was a bad fucking horrible idea.”

“We didn’t even discover seafood until recently though?” said Hange with slight concern.

“Best to not question it. I stopped a while ago,” Levi leaned back into the couch.

“This boat makes me sick!”

“I just hope there’s no icebergs.”

“It’s fucking packed in here.”

“If the titans don’t kill us, the scurvy will.”

“You won’t even be on the boat for a day,” Armin raised his hands in defeat.

Eren made his way over to the side of the boat. 

Armin put a hand on his shoulder, “Eren if it helps, I can show you some cutting rituals.”

Eren threw Armin’s arm away.

“How ‘bout we, you know, not do that?” Levi glared at the trio. 

“Come on, Captain. You know us better than that. We would have done it already if we wanted to,” said Eren, almost slurring his words. 

“See? This! This is exactly why your nickname is ‘suicidal idiot,’ Eren,” Jean massaged his temples.

“Eren,” Mikasa began calmly. He looked up at her. “I hope you settle down with this blatant disregard for your own life. You wouldn’t want me to take some of Carla’s punishments and pair them with my Ackerman strength now, would you?” she finished with a deceptively innocent grin. Her hand drifted dangerously close to his ear.

Eren felt a crawling sensation up his back and quickly shook his head. “Nope! There’s no need for that, Mikasa,” his voice raised in pitch and then he slapped a hand over his mouth. ‘She planned this,’ he thought, ‘she’s been putting me into a smaller headspace so she could make me react like this! And I fucking fell for it’ He mentally face-palmed.

“My mother was pure until today!” Eren slammed his hands onto the edge of the boat, “it’s the titans’ fault. It’s the titans’ fault she slept with Hannes. And did all of those other things. If the titans hadn’t invaded today, my mother never would have done those things years ago...”

“Astounding logic Jӓger,” Levi said. “This truly marks the peak of human intellect.”

“That’s not even how it went,” Armin tried to reason.

“Nope. We are treating whatever is on the screen as a temporary fact. This is WAY more entertainment than I’ve had in a while and you guys can go shit in a hole.”

“I WILL KILL ALL TITANS!” Eren gritted as tears flowed freely down his face.

“That part is 100% accurate though,” Jean pointed at the screen. 

“Eren calm down. This is just a phase,” Mikasa said from the center of the boat.

“IT’S NOT A PHASE! I WILL KILL ALL TITANS!” Eren shouted definitely.

“This kid is so full of vengeance, dear lord!” lamented Hange.

“No amount of therapy could fix us to be fair,” Armin joked.

“Yeah...” Jean said but lost his train of thought.

The screen went black again but Grisha’s voice could be heard.

“Eren! Eren, it’s me! Stop moving! Stop it!” Fire seemed to grow in the center. “You need your weekly tetanus shot. Eren!”

“Why is the syringe so fucking big!?” cried Eren. The scene illuminated, showing Grisha pinning Eren down with a syringe in his hand.

“Because it’s your last one. Stop it! It’s got extra potassium (tetanus!) and super powers.” Dr. Jӓger and Eren begin to struggle as images flash of Eren being injected with titan spinal fluid.

“That syringe is as long as my arm,” Eren said with fear. “You bastard!”

“I loved your mother,” tears streamed down the boy’s face. “Stop it Eren. I need to give you your tetanus.” Bells began to ring and the basement key fell to the ground.

“Your mother was a whore!” Grisha finished as Eren woke up from the memory as real bells rang.

“That was confusing as fuck. You good there bud?” Hange called out across the room.

“Yeah,” Eren called back. He curled up a bit so his legs weren’t on Armin anymore while Mikasa made uneven braids in his hair. Then he made grabby motions at the tray of apples so Armin retrieved a plate of slices, setting the plate on the closer coffee table so Eren could reach. 

‘They play house so well it’s almost creepy,’ Levi internally shuddered as he stared at the domestic scene across the room.

“What happened last night?” Eren demanded. Mikasa was sitting right next to him as if she had been watching him sleep.

“Well,” said Mikasa, “you fell asleep early.” Eren noticed the key around his neck. “Armin started huffing glue until he passed out. And I decided to finally get some rest and ended the night by staring into your eyes,” Mikasa explained.

“Sad to say, the only normal one in this scenario is Eren,” Jean shook his head with his arms crossed.

“Never thought I’d be caught doing drugs,” joked Armin.

“I would never admit to staring into your eyes but I also would be lying if I denied it,” said Mikasa casually.

Everyone looked at the trio.

“We did it differently in Shiganshina,” he said vaguely, as if that could answer their questions.

“That’s gay,” replied Eren.

“Why do I have a feeling that that’s going to become a thing?” Connie asked. Sasha shrugged.

Mikasa ignored the comment, “they’re passing out food. Come on.” They walked out of the shelter and saw the crowd of refugees.

Armin ran over with bread in his arms, “Hey guys. Here’s some bread.”

“Thanks Armin,” said Eren as Armin passed him a small loaf. A garrison soldier from behind Armin scoffed at the trio. “What’s his problem?”

“He thinks we’re all animal fuckers,” answered Armin.

“Not what I was expecting,” Jean blinked a few times. 

“Those were hard times though. I mean two years surviving...” Armin drifted. Levi understood the struggle though. Finding food so you wouldn’t go hungry. Limiting meals to lengthen supply longevity. He knew they most likely were better off since they weren’t living underground, but they came from simple life so adjusting would be traumatic on its own.

“It doesn’t help that last night three goats went missing.”

Four refugees were fighting with the garrison watching, “what a waste! If you ask me, we should throw them in the pen and eat ‘em instead.”

The kids flinched but Eren quickly furrowed his eyebrows and gritted his teeth, walking over to the guards with fists clenched. “Hey! Those are people you’re talking about.” Eren kicked the man’s shin.

“OW! Christ, you stupid little cunt!” The soldier punched Eren from his left.

The other one joined and kicked Eren from the other side, “yeah! Assaulting children.”

“I wanted to skin them,” Mikasa stated casually. 

“Too late now,” Armin reminded her.

“Y’all need Jesus,” Jean shook his head. “And Sasha, there are napkins for a reason!” Sasha froze, her salt dusted fingers millimeters away from her skirt. She slowly reached for the paper napkins and put a small stack on her lap without breaking eye contact from Jean.

“Happy now?” she asked, mildly annoyed. Jean grunted in confirmation.

Eren looked up at the two men from the ground, tears in his eyes. “How can...” he rasped. Then it zoomed into Eren’s bruised, anguished face, “how can you be so inhumane.”

“Look at the little piggy cry,” the second one pointed out, “it’s a miracle there’s so many of you people, considering you end most of your nights balls deep in a squealing hog.”

“I doubt they could even if they wanted to. Hogs can take a grown man down and eat him,” said Sasha, lost in thought. 

“I like how this is the conversation. Not asking why they fuck pigs, but the invalid logistics of fucking said pig,” Connie deadpanned.

“Where you’re from, when you sell farm animals, is it technically considered prostitution?” said the first guy, “or do you all communally fuck agricultural land beasts?”

“Do you name all your sheep? Or just the ones you fuck?” the second soldier asked.

Armin ran out in front of Eren to try and mediate, “look guys I’m sorry.”

The first soldier ignored him, “look at ya.” The trio looked back at him. “I know you have sex with goats.” 

The second guy asked, “how many hooves does it need before you’ll go home with it?”

“What’s it like to get your ass beat by someone that knows how to read?”

“You can’t hang this literacy, son.”

“He probably thinks grammar is some type of cracker.”

“I was literally the son of a doctor. I could probably out smart them in a spelling contest because I was reading medical books by the time I was eight,” Eren’s voice became low. 

“Why was your lecture grade so low then?” asked Hange.

“Did you see my test scores?”

“No but-”

“I purposefully got 75%-79% on all of the written work so that I could keep myself entertained. Guy’s gotta have goals, right? That’s about as smart as I am though. Can’t really come up with killer plans like this guy,” Eren pointed a thumb to Armin who blushed.

“How else do you think he could make such charismatic speeches?” Mikasa spoke up. 

“True,” nodded Connie.

“I can’t wait ‘til the government sends you back to your little shit hovels, built out of mud and sadness,” the first guy continued. Then the trio are seen back by the covered arches.

“I can’t believe you all just stood back and apologized to them!” Eren nearly yelled at the two.

“Eren, you should eat. You’re irrational,” Armin tried to reason.

“FUCK FOOD!” Eren screeched, throwing the bread.

Armin fumbled the loaf, “precious nourishment!”

“What did the food ever do to you?” Sasha had tears in her eyes. She blinked, making the tears fall and began sobbing whiny sobs. 

“I’m gonna go back there and kick their asses,” declared Eren.

“Jӓger, they literally just beat you up. And they are soldiers with training. Even a reasonably built civilian could pummel you in a fight. You literally have twig arms,” Levi spoke to the past Eren, knowing fully that his words would never reach the boy but this was just frustratingly sad.

“Again, I fully admit to being a whiny little shit,” Eren supplied helpfully.

“No Eren!” Then Armin explained, “vengeance protocol dictated that you lay low after an assault.”

“This version Armin makes my day,” Levi smirked. 

“The background characters are a mixed bag though,” Jean said.

“I think the titans are particularly interesting!” Hange’s glasses turned white from the glare of the light.

“FUCK THE RULES! THEY INSULTED US!” Eren yelled in Armin’s face.

“Eren! If there’s anyone who knows ass-whippings, it’s me,” Armin argued.

“Now he dishes them out,” Connie smirked with a side glance at Armin. 

Sasha wolf whistled, “you said it, Connie.”

“We need to conserve our resources, and just survive for now.” 

“Oh, so you want me to act like you, and just sit around crying, LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!” Eren screamed at the other boy. Armin’s eyes grew wide and his jaw fell slack but Mikasa took the opportunity to savagely punch Eren, right on the bruise, down to the ground.

“Case and point,” said Levi.

“I’m definitely leaking spinal fluid,” Eren dramatically groaned.

“You got titan powers literally within 24 hours so your spinal fluid would steam and evaporate,” Hange pointed out. 

“At least I’m not this much of a lil bitch in real life,” said Eren as he sipped on a juice box. Little slurping sounds came from it as he finished it.

Jean, Connie and Sasha made non-committal sounds.

“Well, fuck you too then.”

“I’m pretty sure my face is hollow and I can’t remember how to smile. I can’t feel pain anymore. Or joy. You’ve crushed both my spirits, and my jaw structure. Why did the walls grant you dinosaur strength?” whined Eren.

“Ackerman supremacy,” said Mikasa. Then she and Levi both said “eeeeyyyyy!” with finger-guns before reverting back to their plain expressions. No one had the guts to comment on what in the fuck just happened.

Eren was still whining, “it feels like I just got smacked by a train made of hate.” He got up, “a hate train.” Then he slumped back to the ground. “I will never love again. Or walk. This must be what animals feel like when they’re going extinct,” Eren’s voice became very raspy toward the end.

Mikasa looked down at him, “as far as I can see, you’re the only one here crying like a little bitch.”

“Savage move, Mikasa,” Connie applauded. Mikasa seemed startled at the sudden praise. 

“Oh! Uh, thanks?” she said. 

“Now calm down, and listen to what Armin has to say.”

“Thanks for sticking up for me Mikasa,” thanked the blonde.

“Shut up,” she responded.

“Aw man, you were shut down,” Jean winced on Armin’s behalf.

“It’s Ackerman strength, not Ackerman's kindergarten circle time,” Levi rolled his eyes.

“Now, what Armin is saying is right. We’ve been through hell, but we need to focus on survival. And that means one thing right now.” She shoved the bread into Eren’s mouth, “eat!”

Eren began choking.

“Oh,” Armin said as he watched, “that. That’s kinda hot Mikasa.”

“Now because of that...and multiple other instances, I have virtually no gag reflex. Make what you will with that information,” Eren waved vaguely at the air. An uncomfortable air settled over the group.

“Back to the screen!” Hange said quickly.

“Eat Eren. Save your strength for now,” Mikasa said as she continued to make the boy deepthroat bread.

“Keep crying, Eren. It’ll make the bread taste saltier,” said Armin helpfully. Eren cried from the lack of air and overall frustration. 

“What a chaotic trio they made. Worst of all, our smartest mind, Armin, was depicted as a mentally defective little shit,” commented Levi. 

“Everything about what we’re seeing has been...questionable,” Jean said in agreement. 

A female voice in the background spoke as images panned and transitioned. “The following year, the government sent all 250,000 adult refugees out to fight the titans.” Reiner and Bertholdt were seen among the crowd.

“I didn’t even know they were there too,” said Armin with wide eyes.

“The traitors,” Eren gritted out as his body tensed. Mikasa pushed slightly on a pressure point at the base of his neck to pacify him.

“Goodbye, Armin,” Mr. Arlert patted Armin’s head, putting his hat on the boy’s head. “The king has sent me to die horribly at the hands of titans. But at least I won’t have to raise you little shits anymore!” Then he laughed a bit too enthusiastically. “You’ll probably be an orphan! God, that’s funny!”

“T'was he who was the piece of watery shit,” Levi glared.

“That wasn’t how that exchange actually went but thanks I guess?” Armin smiled nervously.

“Aw Levi, you’re protective of our kids!” Hange chimed in.

“No!” he blushed slightly, then cursed at the lack of control over his body.

“It’s nice though. Having a sweet little family here because most of our parents are dead anyhow. You are the best alternative we could ever have to our late parents, so thank you!” Armin smiled cutely. However, his shorter hair made the expression almost... hotter? In any case, Connie was again inexplicably aroused.

The narrator began again, “Armin’s grandfather was the first to die. Witness reports say he immediately broke formation and jumped directly into a titan’s mouth, while singing for joy. Of all 250,000 people, only 100 made it back alive.”

Armin sat on the ground, crying and staring at his grandfather’s hat, “they sent grandpop away. All I have left of him is his beating hat now.”

“Well, that’s something. Right?” Eren attempted to cheer his friend up.

“I wanted the flask where he kept his angry juice.”

“And then there were three orphans,” Jean didn’t even bring up the alcohol reference. Half an hour of this stuff was starting to desensitize them all from it.

Then Eren snorted. “I just remembered something,” he's shoulders shook a bit from his efforts to control his silent laughter, “I still think my father's alive.”

“Holy crap, I almost forgot about that. We all did!” Armin remembered.

“And then I had a series prophetic dreams that gave me PTSD for things that didn't even happen to me, Hooray.” Eren cheered weakly.

“Look on the bright side, Armin - now we’re all orphans,” Mikasa said. Armin glared at her. “Hooray for unity!” she cheered. 

Eren slid down the wall so he sat next to the other boy. “Look man, I know it’s rough. Do you have any higher power you turn to in times like this?”

“I used to pray to Gandhi,” said Armin.

“Who’s Gandhi?”

Armin’s tone became dark, “the god of war!”

“I suppose the alternative would be being a wallist. Though that route seems a little too VIP for you, no offence,” Hange said to Armin. 

“Well, I may as well pick up from where I left off in my worship. I mean, I wonder why I ever stopped,” snorted Armin at the ridiculous thought.

Eren stood up and looked to the ceiling, “I’ve made up my mind! I’m gonna join the military next year, so I can avenge my mother… and your abusive grandfather.”

Mikasa joined in, “me too.”

“Me too,” Armin followed suit.

“It’s settled then. Next year we take revenge,” Eren declared.

“You all had such a solid resolve and reason for joining the military while I had the audacity to say I was going to join the MPs...” Jean clicked his tongue in frustration and buried his face into his folded hands. 

The screen read: ONE YEAR LATER as the scene panned to the cadet corps training area with the 104 getting screamed at by Commendant Shadis.

“Guy look! It’s Shadis!” said Connie, pointing at the screen.

“Man, that takes me back,” Jean reminisced.

“You guys think he’ll be any nicer?” Sasha asked. Everyone looked at her then thought to themselves.

The six from the 104th all mutually agreed that that would be much more scary than him being a hard-ass.

“I put in an order to the empire to send me a shit load of badasses and pillage-hungry murder machines, and instead all I got was you cupcake crack clowns and a side order of fuck nuggets. I can tell at a glance that at least 50% of you are cock suckers and the other 50% are cock suckers who’ve never been told to believe in themselves.”

Levi made an off-handed comment, “I mean, is he wrong though?”

“Everyone starts off like that. What, did you never go through training?” Jean raised an eyebrow, not expecting Levi to say yes.

“I never went through that, no,” the shorter man inhaled, “originally I was blackmailed into joining the military.”

“Why did you stay then?” Armin asked. Hange frowned knowingly and placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder. He shrugged them off and mentally prepared himself.

“I joined along with my two friends. Initially I did so in order to assassinate Erwin, but then they...” he trailed off and everyone knew exactly what had happened by the Captain’s tone. 

“Why kill Erwin though? How did you even get the skills to do so?” Armin interrogated.

“That part was complicated, and the second was because yes, the rumors are true: I’m from the Underground.” That shut everyone up.

“I’m gonna shove my boot so far, and fast, up your assholes, it’ll trigger a geological event.” 

“Ok, I remember him being scary, but this is downright traumatizing,” said Jean.

“You all reek of poverty and animal abuse.”

“Is that better or worse than being accused of being an animal fucker though?” Armin asked.

“It’d technically be worse legally because of the animal protection acts,” Hange answered.

“What the fuck is wrong with you two? Both. Both are very very bad,” Levi sighed and grumbled to himself.

“Every breath you take is a stunning endorsement of abortion. You shit stains are a collective masterpiece of failure. You cock goblins circle jerk eachother to exhaustion every night.”

“But if we circle jerk, that leaves no room for the cock sucking right? After all, he did say all of us were cock suckers,” Armin said with a knuckle by his chin.

“At least we fail masterfully. That’s apparently the only thing we can do 200% correctly, according to him,” Eren said. “Except Mikasa. She was perfect.” The other’s of the 104 nodded. Mikasa pulled her scarf up past her nose to hide the blush on her cheeks.

“You signed up to be pounded by the titans, and probably cried like sissies when you realized they don't actually have dicks. Your sensitive pussies cried so many tears you could float away on a river of douche canoes. You glitter-town cock-wrangling fairy-tinkle fag-puffin fuck nuggets are gonna get your collective anal cavities stretched so far apart, you’ll think you’re getting double fisted by the colossal titan himself.”

Levi blushed at the sexual comments again. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't interested in bottoming or if he didn't have a thing for relinquishing a bit of control. He was a switch in the physical and power sense so it didn't matter, really, but that imagery was a little...interesting if not impressive.

“Why are you so worked up about this--wait,” Hange’s eyes sparkled as a large smile stretched across their features, “you're a virgin! I nearly forgot, short-stack.”

“HANGE!” Levi was tomato red from his forehead to his shoulders. His mouth formed a small pout as he turned away from everyone, arms crossed. Actually he was in a bit of a fantasy spiral, but no one needed to know that. 

“To be fair, I think all of us are,” Armin tried to help. Levi grunted but it sounded more like a whine because that was still not the correct explanation for his actions. 

“Ok but being double fisted by the colossal titan is literally impossible and you’re more likely to get burned first before it even begins to go up there,” Armin was still thinking about the logistics of everything about the illogical story before them.

“First of all, ew. And second of all damn, you’re so right,” said Sasha.

“Third of all, it's an analogy,” Hange reminded them, “he's talking about what he'll do to all of you.”

“...Okay, fourth of all, gross.”

“I will reorganize the failure that is all your lives. I will FUCK-START YOUR SOULS!”

“That part happened in a way,” said Jean.

“I’ll make you mongoloid rock-choppin’ thunder cunts scream harder than your mothers after her fourth failed coat-hanger abortion.”

“Knowing Eren’s mom in this dimension or whatever, he was probably the said failed coat hanger abortion,” Armin said but got punched by Mikasa right after. He put his hands up in surrender, “hey, I said in that world,” he pointed at the screen, “not this one.”

“I’m gonna chop off your shriveled balls, put ‘em where your eyes should be, put a sombrero on your head, and beat you like a pinata. Hell, I’ll make you shit so many bricks you’ll put the Mexicans out of business.” 

“Mexicans? Do they make good food?!” Sasha drooled.

“And shit bricks? No thanks,” Levi grimaced at the thought.

“Yeah, that sounds kinda painful,” Hange reluctantly agreed.

“But fear not, ‘cause in three years I will turn you cock-monarchs into fuck-masters of galactic destruction.”

“Then Bertholdt kicked the gate to Trost and over half the cadets died,” Mikasa deadpanned.

“Hooray!” cheered Armin jokingly.

“And I got swallowed,” Eren continued the chain.

“I almost got swallowed until you pulled me out. Thanks again,” Armin replied.

“Yup, no problem.”

“And now we all live together happily in the military with our dad,” Armin pointed to Levi, “our maternal parent,” he pointed to Hange, “and too many kids to count.”

“If I’m the father, what would that make Erwin?” asked Levi, playing along with the madness.

Armin thought for a moment and revised his statement, “Erwin is the dad, Levi is the angsty teen, Hange is still the mom and the rest of us are kids.” 

“And together, we make up the most badass family on Paradis!” Connie shouted triumphantly.

Notes:

So I'm thinking about brining back a dead person in future chapters (like chapter 10 or 11). Comment to vote! (If not I'll put one anyway but if you guys have a request I'll be happy to incorporate them.)

Chapters written: 7 out of 19

Chapter 3: Episode 3: Full Metal Racket

Summary:

In which no one is straight, everyone is a simp and Levi is flexible as fuck.

“It’s time for the next one now!” Hange got their notes out enthusiastically. Levi rolled his eyes.

The theme played and transitioned back to Shadis but he was yelling at individual cadets. 

“You there! Who the fuck are you?!” the man screamed in Armin’s face.

“Armin Arlert, sir,” the blonde boy saluted.

“Why the fuck are you here cadet?!”

“To contribute to mankind’s victory, Sir!”

“That’s the most normal thing you’ve said in half an hour,” Jean was playfully astonished. Armin snorted. 

“That’s bullshit! Look at you, I know you play with dolls!” the man yelled.

Armin agreed hesitantly, “well, yes but, only for role playing revenge fantasies.”

“There it is,” Jean corrected himself.

“Shut up fuck-nugget! Ten-hut!” The Commandant grabbed him by the head and made him turn 180 degrees to face the next row of cadets. Two other cadet corps soldiers watched from the sidelines.

“What’s the point of intimidating them like that?” the younger asked the senior soldier.

“It used to be a rite of passage,” started the older one, “you know, break them down, build them back up. Nowadays though, I think it’s progressed into full-blown syphilitic insanity.” Shadis was seen yelling at the cadets in the background.

“It would certainly make the experience more memorable if he said that sort of stuff instead of just the standard derogatory comments. These are way more fun to pick apart,” Jean snorted. Eren laughed silently, but it just sounded like he was coughing so Mikasa hit him on the back, unintentionally knocking the air out of him. He immediately deflated. Connie winced on Eren’s behalf.

“Why the fuck are you so happy twinkle toes?!” yelled Shadis at Marco.

Marco beamed, “I can’t wait to become a soldier and serve the king!”

“But he only got halfway there,” joked Jean weakly. Sasha, Connie and Armin gave him an awkward laugh, not sure whether that was appropriate or not, but rolled with it anyway.

Shadis continued, “cadet! Do you know why my eyes are so sunken in?!”

“...No?”

“It’s because I once ejaculated in a man’s ass so hard, that my internal body pressure actually caved, and the force of gravity shoved my eyeballs way into the back of my head.”

“I bet it was Grisha,” Hange snickered.

“Ugh, that’s gross Hange!” Eren shivered at the thought.

“I second that Hange,” Levi nodded. 

“Same,” Armin agreed.

“Armin, you too?!” shouted Eren, lifting himself off of Mikasa’s lap to sit on his knees on the middle cushion. 

“What other man did he have a deep enough relationship with to even probably be considered? It’s only logical,” Mikasa reasoned, “on the bright side, none of this actually happened.”

“God, now I can hear that version of my dad chanting something about tetanus,” Eren whined, resting his head on his palm. He rearranged himself so he was cross-legged in his seat.

“Now, knowing this, do you have a problem with homosexuals?” Shadis backed up out of Marco’s face.

“Wha-what??” Marco was surprised by the strange line of questioning.

“I said: do you have a problem with homosexuals?!”

“No! No, sir!”

Shadis gave the freckled boy an angry look, “well I do! Drop and give me fifty!” Marco frowned. “Faggot,” Shadis then walked off to the next recruit.

“Ironically, homosexual relations are encouraged to avoid pregnancy in the military,” Hange grinned. 

“How about YOU horse-face!”

“I do NOT have a horse-face!” shouted Jean indignantly.

Connie put his hand on Jean’s back, “nope. I’m sorry but Shadis is completely right.” Jean moaned into his hands.

“I want to live comfortably in the capitol and serve the military police,” answered Jean.

“HEADBUTT!!” said Shadis as he hit Jean’s skull with his own, causing the boy to sink to the ground in pain.

“Wha-what the fuck?”

“Let me tell you cadet, you might not know, but the capitol is home to a bunch of FREAKS! And when it’s 3 AM inside the inner city and you’re drunk and being aggressively solicited by a gaggle of Latvian transsexuals, hopped up on barbiturates and fuck-thunder, YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO THINK! SO NEXT TIME I YELL HEADBUTT, YOU HAUL ASS!”

“The aristocrats truly are a different breed of shit,” scoffed Levi. 

“That must have been why they were so posh and pretentious though; the government kept them hopped up on chill pills,” Armin smirked. Hange squealed half from laughter, the other from logical interest.

“That’s a really intriguing theory! I-” Levi slapped his hand, covered by a handkerchief, onto their mouth. They licked him last time and he was not about to feel that sliminess again.

The older soldier spoke again to the younger one behind him, “you know he once commanded the survey corps, right?”

“No, I-I had no idea,” the younger replied.

“It’s too bad. He used to be a rising star until his famous scandal.”

“No he wasn't,” Levi said. “he was on quite the downward slope. Four-eyes over here had a thing for him though so there's that.”

“Levi what the fuck!” Hange freaked, nearly punching him.

“We're just gonna pretend we didn't hear anything,” Jean said and everyone else nodded, much to Hange's relief.

“Wha-what happened?”

“Well nobody’s clear on the specifics, but the official record states that he was caught engaged in an act so horrifyingly unique, each witness could only describe it using the same two words.” 

“What-what were they?”

The scene zoomed in on the older soldier as his tone grew dark, “Munchikin sodomy.”

“Oh,” Levi was stunned. Everyone looked over to him. He covered his mouth with his fist as his eyes darted across the floor in thought. 

“I think that actually happened...” he finally spoke up after a minute. 

“Oh no,” Hange covered their mouth with their palm.

“Oh god, I’m imagining and I regret existence,” Armin moaned.

“Can’t be any worse than what I’ve seen from the memories of the past attack titan holders and I saw my aunt get eaten by dogs as a child,” Eren said casually. 

“Eren, no disrespect to you're aunt but stop. Please,” Jean rubbed his temples then brushed his hair back behind his ears.

Back with Shadis, he lifted Connie by the head, “how the fuck are you gonna beat a titan when even I can lift your scrawny ass? You think they won’t eat you because you’re a midget? HA! Look at you. You’re like the Napoleon of cockshame. We don’t even issue uniforms in hobbit size. Go back to the Shire and play ass frolic with wizards, Bilbo Dickbreath.” 

“I couldn’t feel my eyebrows for days after that,” Connie shook his head sadly. 

“Going along with the whole size thing, Levi over here wears a women’s small because the men’s small is still too big,” teased Hange.

“Shut the fuck up!” glared Levi. The other just giggled. “That's not even the real reason.”

“Oh?” Hange didn't think he would divulge.

Levi bowed his head and muttered something.

“Gotta speak up, short-stack.”

He looked up and huffed with a slight flush on his cheeks, “it's because they're more flexible!” He began to fidget, “I can't maneuver as quickly otherwise...”

Hange slapped his back with a hearty laugh, “you need women's pants to be a midget spinner!”

“Wait after he yelled at Connie-” Armin was cut off by Sasha, “yeah, yeah I know. At least my hunter's training came in handy there. I probably would have died during punishment if I wasn't as fit.”

Sasha crunched on a potato, snapping the Commandant's attention to her. Everyone fell silent as she continued to munch. 

“Holy sweet mother of god!” he materialized right by Sasha, “cadet! What is your major malfunction?!”

“I-I was hungry,” she said in an overly whiny tone.

Sasha buried her face in her hands in embarrassment as the other two next to her poked and teased.

“Dear god I sincerely hope you never have kids. The thought of you having sex makes me SICK!”

Sasha just laughed, “don’t be silly. Everyone knows you can’t control babies.” Shadis stared at her in disbelief as she continued, “the magical storks decide whether you get one or not.”

“Did you actually still believe that?” Levi was slightly concerned.

Sasha flushed, “I knew that wasn’t how that works!”

“Sweet mother of god, you dumb bitch. I do believe that you are the STUPIDEST sack of shit I’ve ever seen in my life and I have LIVED goddamnit!” the man screamed in her face.

“And he’s still around and kicking,” Hange pointed out. 

“Surprisingly,” Levi agreed.

“Cadet, what is your name?”

“Sasha, sir.”

“Sasha? That sounds like a whore’s name. Are you a whore Sasha?”

“I feel like I should take offence,” Levi remarked. 

“Rest in Peace, Levi’s mother,” said Hange in mock prayer.

“So in essence, that Eren is like a whiny, bitchy Levi with a more messed up family,” concluded Jean. 

“...holy shit, you're right,” Connie looked at Jean in horror.

“DO YOU SUCK DICKS FOR MONEY?!” Shadis grew impatient with the girl’s innocence.

“No, sir!”

“Good! Now I hate-” Shadis was cut off by Sasha biting into the potato again. “Stop eating the potato goddamnit! Now I hate your fucking name Sasha, almost as much as I hate you. From now on your name is Pile. Am I understood Private Pile?”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“Dear god Sasha, he looks like he wants to kill you and you had the balls to keep eating without losing your shit? Not bad,” praised Levi. 

“One question sir,” Sasha spoke up again. “If I share this with you,” she tore the potato into a 30%-70% ratio and offered the smaller piece, “will you tell me where babies come from?” She gave him an awkward smile.

The time skipped and Sasha was now running and crying around the training area.

“Wow. Forced to run for 6 hours straight and she STILL won't know where babies come from,” Eren said to Armin, Marco, Connie and Mina. 

“Maybe I can teach her,” suggested Connie.

“OOOOOOO. Connie and Sasha were canon since they were 12,” Hange cheered. Then again they were, like, the MONARCH of shipping. 

Connie resumed his thought, “yeah, I’ll give her the full body practical.” Sasha panted in the distance.

“Kinky,” Jean teased. Connie shoved him with a frown.

“Connie, everybody knows she’d just laugh at your tiny balls,” Eren replied. 

Now it was Connie’s turn to be embarrassed. 

“Too much information!” Jean covered his ears with his palms.

“Oh you think you have it bad? Think about how I feel! That's not even true!” Connie whined.

Connie was definitely offended now, “Hey! Small potatoes make the meat look bigger.”

“Ah ah ah! Nope. This is my bleach,” Levi hugged the jug to his chest when Jean reached over. 

“But I need to cleanse myself of the horror!” he moaned.

A horse neighed. 

“Hey look,” Eren pointed out, “The failure wagon is leaving.”

“Bye rejects,” the group chorused.

“I’m gonna die of dysentery,” one guy from the wagon said with disappointment.

“Hah! If they couldn’t handle one day, how are they gonna handle titans? Hell, me and Armin have already done that,” Eren scoffed.

“You sure did talk big game,” Jean teased.

“Hey! The only reason why I failed the first time was because Shadis gave me a jank belt,” Eren crossed his arms.

“Eren,” Connie began, “You’ve seen titans?”

“Well, yeah, it’s not really something I like talking--” Mina cut Eren off, saying, “Eren, you’ve seen titans? That’s SO hot.”

Eren looked at her and revised his statement, “actually yeah, I totally saw a ton of them. And I almost killed one too.”

“Nice going, Casanova,” Jean said. “We saw what really happened. You cry like a lil bitch when Mikasa looks at you wrong. You ain’t slick.”

Mikasa turned to Jean, shadow cast over her eyes. “You wanna revise that statement?” 

“Sorry, Eren!” he squeaked. 

“Mhm,” Mikasa grunted, still glaring at him slightly. 

Back in the mess hall, Eren spun his tale of how he killed titans when they invaded.

“And that’s how I murdered twenty titans with nothing but my wits, a paperclip and saran wrap,” Eren boasted. Daz gasped.

Thomas complimented, “Eren’s such a badass.”

“Were you scared of the colossal titan,” another boy asked.

“Look at the way he slurps his gruel,” Daz pointed out.

A ginger squealed, “please sign my boobs when I reach puberty!”

“Yeah, you know I’m kind of a rockstar,” said Eren.

“I want to say something but I’m afraid of Mikasa,” Connie said without looking away from the screen. 

‘You and me both Connie,’ thought Eren. What a stupid and naive little shit he was. That year he turned 15 flipped everything he knew off out the window. He would do it his way now; no more playing by someone else’s rules.

“Was the armoured titan scary?” asked Mina.

Eren turned to her, “no, but if you really wanna look at something harder than steel, you can start by taking that top off.”

“Is that Carla’s influence I see there?,” Hange grinned mischievously. Connie chuckled behind a hand he slapped over his mouth. 

“What were your mother’s final words?” some other guy asked. Eren froze and dropped his spoon, covering his mouth from the sudden nausea of Carla’s last words: ‘my last oral.’

Everyone gasped in shock by his sudden change in demeanor.

“Tact exists you moron,” Levi cursed. Eren was unintentionally cutting his nails into his hands again so Mikasa pried his fingers open and put a throw pillow under his hands. They immediately clenched again, but his palms were now protected by a layer of cushion.

“Guys listen, we need to leave him be,” Marco turned to the crowd.

“No,” Eren said confidently. He took an angry bite out of his bread. “Her last words were ‘so proud.’”

“Tall tales Jӓger-boy. So tall it almost dwarfs the titans,” Jean said from the table to Eren’s right. 

“Yeah, I pretty much called you out on your bullshit,” Jean agreed with the younger version of himself. 

“Completely off-topic, but I couldn’t help but notice that your eyebrows could rival Erwin’s, like damn!” Connie said with respect. 

“Nah, those eyebrows were legendary,” Sasha disagreed, "nothing could compete with those.”

“Oh so you’re the fucking comedian,” retorted Eren.

“You DO know titans only have one weak spot, mmhhmmm?” asked Jean smugly. “Can you tell us where it is?”

“Why didn’t we teach this stuff in the standard curriculum? Not just in the military, but also in regular ass schools Seems kind of like an oversight seeing that humanity’s survival depended heavily on that knowledge,” said Levi. Though he didn’t actually care; it was pretty rhetorical.

“Dude seriously, just let me redeem my trauma-points you fucking asshole,” Eren gritted to Jean.

Jean laughed, “No worries Jӓger-boy, I’m just saying. You should join me if you know what’s good for you. Me and my suit vest are destined for great things.”

Suit Vest spoke, “you’re the best Jean! One day you shall rule!”

“Why is that actually weirder than talking titans?” Connie asked as he passed some water to Mikasa. 

Hange answered, “we’ve heard them talk in real life. Zeke’s, like, the best at that out of all the titans we’ve encountered. I wonder if it has anything to do with his facial structure...Then again, Annie had a much better proportioned face but couldn’t.” They began the 20th page in the notebook and muttered intensely to themselves.

“You’re fond of that suit vest, huh?” Eren looked at Suit Vest.

“I love you Jean,” declared Suit Vest.

“Yeah, it was sewn by baby seals and soaked in the tears of orphans--” Jean paused, “or was it the other way around?”

“What’s a--” Hange was cut off by Armin.

“A seal is an aquatic mammal that lives where it’s really cold and icy,” he explained. 

“Nice save Armin,” Eren nodded to the boy next to him.

“You look like Aladdin’s walk of shame,” said Eren, disappointment clear in his tone.

“That’s no way to talk to rich people,” replied Jean.

“Get Tay-Sachs,” Eren huffed.

Hange opened their mouth but Eren took the lead, “it’s a rare inherited disease that attacks the nervous system. Son of a doctor, remember.” 

“Go off, I guess,” Connie pursed his lips with a slight nod.

“Alright, you Peon.” Jean stood up and Eren met him in the center of the mess hall. The bell rang signaling the end of dinner. 

Jean sighed, “I didn’t come here to make enemies. Besides, I can’t afford to dirty my new cufflinks.”

‘What a pretentious little shit,’ thought Levi. Being a former thug, he knew people like Jean probably would have been considered first class citizens so that seeing him abuse his non-existent power was hilarious.

Jean brought his hand up to shake. “Name’s Jean, it’s French for douchebag.”

Eren choked on his juice, some liquid dribbling from his lips. Mikasa on the other hand had a total spit-take all over the rug. Both she and Eren coughed harshly, trying to breath at the same time. 

“Sorry guys,” she rasped, chest still quivering from water going down the wrong pipe. Armin dutifully wiped both their faces with a handkerchief and retrieved some napkins for the rug.

“Nice to meet you, I guess,” Eren spat back, giving the other boy a sideways high five instead of shaking his hand. Then he walked away.

“Much cleaner than a handshake,” said Levi absentmindedly. ‘Damnit I keep saying my thoughts out loud,’ he thought, thankfully in his own head this time.

Jean watched his leave, “that’s how the working class shake hands? Less dignified thrust, more ghetto blue color flailing.”

“You tell it Jean! You’re so wise.” praised Suit Vest. 

“Such pawns. When I rule-” Jean cut himself off as Mikasa walked by. Careless Whisper played as he stared at her through ‘Jean vision.’

“It was love at first sight!” Jean closed his eyes with his head tilted up and his arms crossed. He sighed in defeat, knowing he’d never be with her.

“Hello,” said Jean in a husky voice, or at least as husky as he could manage for a 12 year old. Mikasa turned around to face the blushing mess in front of her.

“Ahm. My suit vest couldn’t help but notice your long beautiful hair,” Jean averted his eyes. He paused for a moment, “and now it’s telling me to ask you out.”

Mikasa stared at him for a bit before saying, “nope.” Then she turned around and left without another word.

“That was cold Mikasa,” Connie shook his head with a chuckle.

“It’s not as heart crushing as the next part though,” Jean moaned obnoxiously.

 Jean snapped out of his stupor as soon as Mikasa got out the door. “Wait,” he jogged out of the mess hall, stopping at the steps. “Damnit, Suit vest you’ve messed me up again! Waaait!” 

“That’s what you get for listening to a piece of clothing for dating advice,” said Eren.

“As if you’re any better,” Jean scoffed.

“He has me,” Mikasa butted in. Jean deflated.

“Jeez, look at your ratty hair Mikasa,” said Erin as the two walked toward the barracks. “It’s getting to the ugly stage again.” He lifted her hair with the back of his hand then pulled it away, “look at this. Chop it off. Seriously, it looks like an aviary for dead birds.” 

Mikasa grabbed a lock and looked at it. Eren continued, “you know what? Just put a bag over your head...Forever.”

“So Mikasa can’t have long hair but you can sit there like Rapunzel?” said Jean. “At least short hair looks hot on Mikasa. You just look like a hobo. Even Armin looks sexy. That isn’t even a word I would have thought I’d ever use for describing him! (and I mean that in the sense that you were a cute bean before).”

“I resent that,” Eren said despite the half-braided mess on his head.

Jean looked devastated when he heard Eren’s words. He reached out and wiped his hand on Connie’s back. 

“What the hell muchacho?” said Connie angrily, looking to see if anything was on his back. He felt around using his hands.

Jean grimly stared off into the distance. “I needed to pet something ugly.”

“I know that’s not what you said, man, but I still take offence,” Connie crossed his arms.

“I fully apologize for the things I didn’t even say,” replied Jean sincerely.

“Burn the disobedient, BURN them!” Suit Vest commanded.

“Okay, Suit Vest or Armin. Who's more messed up?” asked Connie.

Armin hummed in thought, “probably still me. We haven't even gotten to any of my lectures or rituals so who knows. The mere concept is pretty messed up in it of itself too, though...”

By the time Sasha was done running it was already dark. She stumbled by the barracks, her breathing labored with exhaustion, before she collapsed to the ground. A figure moved closer into the light. Sasha sniffed the air and then her eyes went red when she recognized it as food. She leapt into the air and launched herself at the bread Historia (or rather Christa still at this point) was carrying. 

The blonde screamed in fear as the bread was snatched from her grasp, falling on her ass. 

“This is like one of those scenes from the horror novels I used to read,” said Armin with intrigue. Hange nodded with enthusiasm.

Sasha came back to her senses as soon as she saw the bread in her mouth, “food?”

“Well, there’s that, and I also brought some lovely water,” Historia offered. There were sparkles and angel feathers fluttering around her.

“She was nicknamed ‘goddess’ after all,” Armin reminded them.

“How fitting for our queen!” Connie declared.

Sasha faced the other girl, putting a hand on her shoulder and pleaded, “make love to me.”

“It’s… literally just food.” 

Ymir walked over to them.

Sasha shook her head, “seriously, what do you want? I’ll fulfill you in ways you didn’t think possible.”

“I knew you would do anything for food, but don’t you think that’s a little too far?” asked Connie.

Sasha shrugged, “It’d be harder to find something I wouldn’t do for food.”

“Wait, you’re bi too?” Historia’s eyes widened. 

“Let’s just all get it over with since you brats all look like you’re dying of constipation. I’ll go first. I’m pan,” began Levi.

Hange went next, “me too!”

“We’re straight but we do have some bi-curious tendencies from time to time,” Jean vouched for himself, Connie and Sasha.

“Don’t kid yourself, Jean. We're all bi. It’s a spectrum,” said Sasha.

“...okay, you right.”

“I’m bi,” said Eren simply.

“Armin and I are both demi,” Mikasa finished.

“Everyone good now?” Levi followed up. They all nodded.

“Bi? Hungry!” Sasha whined. 

Ymir watched and Historia thought for a sec then said, “tell you what. I’ll supply you with food, as long as you wear and do whatever I want at night.”

“Done!”

“You really don’t kid around when it comes to food,” Armin’s voice trembled slightly. 

“Yes, my first slave.”

Eren growled loudly, teeth clenched with a too-wide sneer. His pupils were almost pinpricks.

“Hey! Down boy!” berated Mikasa. Eren softened a bit but was still baring his teeth.

The whole reason he was acting on his own was in order to ensure his people’s freedom.

“Did I just hear a hint of lesbian action?” asked Ymir.

As Sasha wolfed down the loaf Historia complained, “oh no, a third wheel.”

Armin winced, “yikes. I feel sorry for Ymir. She wanted to marry Historia after all.” 

“You know, if what I heard is true, I’ll tell all the boys at camp,” threatened Ymir.

“I wonder what she could be talking about,” Hange pursed their lips.

Historia gasped. Ymir continued, “unless of course you two fulfill MY dark desires.”

Sasha noisily finished the food and collapsed onto Historia’s lap with a yawn. Historia and Ymir stared at each other for a minute.

“Well, looks like we can drop the act now,” smiled Historia.

“I retract my previous statement,” said Armin.

“Thank god, I thought those roofies would never kick in,” Ymir smirked. 

“Not at all where I thought that was going but whatever?” Connie squinted with a frown.

“But they did and now another joins the coven,” finished Historia.

The next scene showed balance training for the ODM gear.

Shadis greeted the cadets, “good morning you Muppets! Today we have our first training!” Then it panned out to show various cadets trying to balance. “TRAPEZE! You cock sprinkles are gonna love this. Finally you get to show off how fucking gay you are while hanging gracefully in the air.”

“Captain is the most skilled with the gear so that means...”Armin trailed off.

“Don’t you dare finish that thought Arlert. Not if you want to keep your knee caps,” warned Levi. “And damn straight I’m the gayest one here. You all WISH you were as flawless as me,” he crossed his legs.

“And let me just remind you all on how flexible short-stack over here is,” said Hange. Levi raised his eyebrow at them and their face fell a little. 

“This had better look like riverdance performed by Broadway’s FINEST homosexuals. I wanna see you fairies SPARKLE, and shit glitter dust while balancing.”

“Sasha looks so chill as opposed to everyone else in this scene,” Armin commented.

“If this doesn’t look like Peter fucking Pan performed by the cast of Cirque du Soleil on a homoerotic ecstasy fueled CRUISE SHIP so help me GOD, I will personally murder each and every single one of you!” 

“This all seems much more likely to happen on Marley. Remember That festival we went to!” Sasha drooled at the thought of the ice cream.

“Yes. Look at her,” the older cadet corps soldier looked to Mikasa, showing her on the practice gear. “Look at the way her body hangs there. Limp, bored, uninterested.” It went back to the two soldiers, “everything I like in a woman.”

“Mikasa no!” Armin grabbed her arms. She had lifted up the coffee table and was about to throw it at the offending wall-mounted device but Armin was just in time to stop her. Now both she and Eren were sitting in curled up positions with their chin on their knees, pouting with knotted brows.

“What about that one?” the younger soldier pointed to Eren.

Eren dangled upside-down chanting ‘no!’ inside his head.

“I didn’t suck. I just wanna remind you all that Shadis gave me jank gear,” Eren grumbled.

Shadis kneeled to look at the boy who was still upside-down, “Eren Jӓger, you effusive cock sprout! What are you doing?” Cadets around Eren began to laugh as he dangled.

“Get yourself up right this instant,” commanded Shadis. 

Eren looked even more horrified, ‘no, no, no!’

Then a diagram of the physics relating to the ODM gear straps was shown and captioned: Proficient operators of 3D Maneuver Gear learn to piss themselves rather than spend several hours trying to undo all these straps.

“Fucking no!” shouted Levi. “Piss before the fucking mission!”

“What if the mission takes forever though?” asked Sasha.

“People typically are all dead by then.”

“Good thing we killed all of the pure titans then?” 

Another image was shown that looked remarkably like young Eren and was captioned: Adderall and other stimulants are great for learning how to operate 3D Maneuver Gear.

“I thought we all agreed that drugs were my thing,” Armin frowned.

Sasha snorted along with Mikasa, Connie and Jean. Eren placed a hand on the other’s back.

“Don’t forget about my weekly tetanus shots,” said Eren. 

“Not to mention my testosterone and bi-weekly steroid implants,” Mikasa joined in.

“What’s next, Springer huffing the gas,” scoffed Levi.

Eren continued training his balance with Armin and Mikasa. 

“You can do it Eren,” she encouraged. “Just focus on your center when the ropes start to pull.”

“Yeah, it’s not too hard if you concentrate,” Armin chimed in.

“Jeez,” Eren was a mixture of shocked and disappointed in himself. “Even you can do this Armin? What’s the secret?”

“Well uh, I actually have a natural advantage when it comes to this,” the blonde prefaced. 

“How?”

“I-- uh... I used to really experiment with autoerotic asphyxiation.”

“And they call me the suicidal bastard,” Eren rolled his eyes. 

Eren and Armin stare at each other.

“Just take me up,” Eren said, defeated. Armin turned the crank and the ropes slowly wound up, lifting Eren who immediately got off balance and slammed his forehead to the ground. He screamed in slow motion.

“I remember you coming into the mess hall with bandages but watching that? Your eyes rolled back as soon as your head hit! The only reason you didn’t have severe brain damage was all thanks to titan powers,” Jean said to Eren. 

Eren replied simply, “that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick.”

“Pfft!!” Hange broke into full body laughter. Connie rolled his eyes, being the one who originally came up with the one liner. 

The scene fades to dinner time just outside the mess hall. Connie was heard laughing like a hyena. More people joined in as the scene showed the inside of the mess hall. 

“I can’t believe it,” Eren stared at his food. “They’re gonna put me on the failure wagon!”

“Then somehow you ranked fifth out of all the 104,” snickered Armin. 

Armin tried to cheer his friend up, “it’s OK Eren. Typhoid fever isn’t that bad.”

“Basically a type of food poisoning,” Eren clarified for Hange. 

“Oh, this is so humiliating,” Eren didn’t look up. “I don’t know how to handle this. This is the worst-”

“Oh grow a pair,” Mikasa cut in. “You think you have it bad? Imagine being the only Asian here.”

“No,” Mikasa shook her head. “The worst part is being the last Asian, being persecuted because the founding titan’s powers don’t work on you AND being coerced into becoming the queen of a place I have never been to, just because I apparently have royal Asian blood. I’m not even a full Asian. Who even knows the actual ratio because the family tree probably got mixed as soon as my clan moved here with the king.”

“Wow Mikasa,” Connie was astonished.” This is like the most I’ve heard you talk...like ever.”

“I talk,” she furrowed her eyebrows and tugged subconsciously at her scarf.

“The girls in the dorm literally asked me if I knew karate the other day.”

“Do you?” asked Armin.

“Shut up Armin,” she replied. “You have it so easy. You wanna know humiliation?” She looked to Eren, “If you fail the test tomorrow, I’ll tell everyone about mom.”

Eren recoiled and replied in a gravelly tone, “noo.”

“Think of the jeers,” it began to zoom in on Mikasa’s face. “Think of the embarrassment.”

“They start too young,” Hange mimed wiping tears from their eye. 

“You’re never too young to learn blackmail,” shrugged Levi. 

“And this is exactly why you aren’t the dad, Captain,” grinned Armin with closed eyes. Though you could see a vein popping out on his cheek.

“No you dirty bitch!” Eren exclaimed. “This is low even-” he whimpered.

“Then make it work!” she shouted back. “Feeling motivated? Because I am NOT  dealing with these ignorant, white bitches without my brother to support me.”

“Sibling, siblings, siblings, siblings,” Eren and Mikasa chanted. 

Eren pointed to Mikasa, “this is my sister.”

“This is my brother,” Mikasa pointed back.

“We are siblings and we care for each other,” they both said.

“Everything we own,” said Eren.

“We always share,” Mikasa finished.

The both of them skipped to the end of the second verse, “we’ll impress you with our sibling dance.” Both of them proceeded to do orange justice for a good minute.

“Um, guys? I think you’re scaring the others,” Armin reached out his arm but stopped before it could be hit by flailing arms.

“Hey, what’s that?” Mikasa cupped her hand by her ear.

“We have an older brother,” answered Eren. Armin sighed when he figured it out.

“You thought there were two,” Mikasa began.

Eren finished as he pointed to the blonde, “but there is another.”

Both said, “He’s always busy and he has short hair. But he’s one of us, so we don’t care. Come on, Armin, snap out of that trance. It’s time to do a sibling--”

The others just watched as Armin interrupted the other two, “guys! Guys, I can’t... focus, I can’t read, I can’t get any of my work done with you guys making this racket about sibling dances!” Then he sunk into the couch and massaged his temples, “nope, I’m done now.”

“But Armin,” pouted Mikasa. 

“No. That’ll work on Eren, but not me.” 

“I believe in Mikasa supremacy,” said Jean, referring back to the previous scene.

“Simp,” coughed Levi.

“I hope those little girls stick chopsticks in your eyes,” grumbled Eren.

Mikasa didn’t falter, “good. Now get ready for tomorrow.” 

The bell rang and everyone started cleaning up.

“Alright Eren, I was being too mean,” Mikasa looked at her lap. “I really do care about you, in ways deeper than you kno-” when Mikasa turned to where Eren was, she met eyes with Sasha instead.

“Ackerman is remarkably horny for an adolescent girl,” the short man rubbed his chin.

“That’s gay, Mikasa,” Eren reused his response from the second episode. 

“Deadass?” asked Mikasa.

Eren flushed, “no. Sorry that was uncalled for.”

Mikasa’s tone fell, “bitch if you tell anybody I SWEAR I’ll kill you.” 

“Sorry to break it to you, but we all heard it Mikasa,” said Connie. 

“It’s not like it was a secret,” Jean muttered. 

Sasha pointed at Mikasa’s bread. “Can I just have your food?” she asked slowly. 

Careless whisper played as Mikasa held the bread up to Sasha. Sasha reached out to get it but instead Mikasa ate the bread.

Sasha teared up, “it was the ultimate betrayal!”

“We did it differently in Shiganshina,” Mikasa supplied as if it would help.

Outside the barracks, Eren could be heard pleading from inside, “guys, come on! You gotta help me!”

Connie laughed smugly at Eren, “what’s wrong Jӓger? Mommy never pushed you on the swing?” Eren looked to Connie, horrified. “Too busy gulping down the bottle?” the bald boy continued. Jean and Connie both cackled at the thought. Eren looked progressively more and more horrified, eyebrows scrunching further and jaw going slack.

“In this world it was more like: she was getting laid,” Eren leaned on one knee and put his other leg down. “Also, we picked up sticks and chased bullies. There wasn’t any time for actually being a kid. Father was always off ‘doctoring’ and mom stayed at home.”

“Carla seemed to have the weight of the world on her shoulders. I always admired that,” Mikasa gave a faraway look.

‘These kids were supposed to have it better on the surface,’ Levi clicked his tongue. Sure they weren’t getting into knife fights and committing other crimes to survive, but they sure as hell weren’t living their life. He supposed he had gotten used to the peace over the past couple years. The scouts weren’t as important now that there were practically no pure titans. Sure, Marley shipped a couple off here for fun sometimes but not enough to pose a threat.

Eren tried his luck with Reiner and Bertholdt next with Armin there to support him.

“Hey guys, my name is Eren,” he introduced himself.

“Then it all went downhill from there,” chuckled Armin bitterly.

“My name is Bert.”

“Ha!” Then Eren continued to laugh, “like the fucking muppet?”

A soft, teddy bear-like doll that vaguely resembled a frog dropped down. Rods were attached to the hands and there was an opening on the bottom. A note attached to it said ‘this is an example of a muppet.’

“How strange,” Hange analyzed the stitching. “This seems far too precise for even the best embroiders.” 

“Best not to ask,” Jean turned back to the screen.

Bertholdt wasn’t sure how to respond, “uhh...”

Reiner saved him from the awkward transition, “dude, we don’t talk to Bert.” Bertholdt looked to the corner sadly.

“I hate that I empathize with him,” Armin said. “Like he was one of the most likable people and Reiner was like everyone’s big brother! Then they had to go, and fuck it up.”

“So you’re Eren and you’re...” Careless whisper plays as Reiner looks at Armin. “Whoa, who’s this babe you’re with Jӓger?”

“Yeah, that happened more often than I’d care to admit,” Armin sighed.

“If Jӓger had long hair back then, I bet no one would bat an eye if you three all camped in the girls dorm,” commented Levi. 

Mikasa contemplated for a bit then whipped her head to face Eren. “Tell Dr. Jӓger to let you grow your hair out,” her gaze grew darker. “I know you can do that with the attack titan’s powers.”

“Mikasa,” he took a deep breath, “if I were to do that, I wouldn’t have been able to ask Bertholdt and Reiner for advice and would have been sent back on the ‘failure wagon’ as that thing dubbed it. Then who knows what would happen after that. Is that what you want?”

She thought about it and realized that he was unfortunately probably right.

“That’s Armin,” Eren leaned forward. “And he’s not a girl!”

Reiner ignored the other boy’s last comment, “Hey there Armeen, so what do you like to do?”

“Armeen?” Connie teased, poking the blonde’s cheek. 

“What about ‘Bert’ though,” Armin countered. 

“Eeeeehhh, both are equally bad.”

The music stops as Armin answered, “I like to read!” 

“...uh, OK,” Reiner grunted.

“Why isn’t reading sexy though?” Armin pouted. 

“I mean this in the most platonic way possible, but reading is only sexy when you are involved,” Jean said. 

“Aww! Thanks S tier friend!”

“Wait, you rank your friends?”

“Oops. You all weren’t supposed to know,” Armin gave an awkward chuckle.

“How are we ranked then, oh smart one?” Hange teased.

“Well, Eren and Mikasa are bestest best friends at the top. The second tier is S where you Connie and Sasha are; pretty much those that were in the 104, that kinda thing. Then you have A, which has people I look up to like Captain and Commander, and it would feel weird to be at the same personal level as them so they’re a bit lower. After that you have B which is friendly acquaintances like kids or certain civilians. After that, well, is C rank, or what I like to call it: crap tier. This is for those people who are pieces of shit,” Armin explained. 

“That’s...an oddly convoluted system...” said Connie. “Should I be concerned-no wait. Nah, I'm good now.”

Reiner followed up with, “why?”

“Because books teach me useful things!” answered Armin cheerfully.

“Like what?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Armin sounded a bit like Hange when they got worked up, “I’ve got many examples. For instance, did you know that if you electrocute someone while holding them underwater, it’ll leave no burn marks on the body?”

“Armin casually knowing how to kill people and making it look like an accident be like,” Eren deadpanned. 

“Honestly, same,” said Levi.

“Yeah we knew that but OUR SWEET BOY IS SO FUCKED UP! WHY!!!” Hange sobbed.

“It’s a little something I like to call: reality. Sure he isn’t outwardly deranged, but who knows what could be going through that Arian coconut.”

“No,” Reiner replied, unimpressed.

Armin perked up, “you do now! And that’s the power of knowledge.”

“Exactly!” Hange did such an emotional 180 that everyone else almost got whiplash.

“So, like,” Reiner stuttered, “you wanna take a bath? Together?”

“I don’t know how I should feel about that,” said Armin.

The two stared awkwardly at one another.

Armin’s pitch fell slightly, “can I bring an industrial strength toaster?”

A note fell onto Hange’s lap, “it can conduct electricity.”

“Dang it Armin! One job!” Jean said in playful disappointment. 

Eren sighed, “I feel like he is more deserving of the moniker ‘suicidal bastard’. I believe his tally is now 9.”

“9 what?” asked Levi.

“Failed deaths,” answered Mikasa.

Eren went back on topic, “guys, come on! I still need your help.”

Reiner nearly forgot he was there, “oh, right. Well, I don’t know if I can really give you any tips, but uh, you wanna do some shrooms?”

“Because drugs are always the answer!” Armin stated with that obnoxious over-the-top tone.

“FUCK YES,” replied Armin. 

“See.”

Bertholdt tried to articulate his thought, “guys we’re- we’re on a journey. I mean guys, guys! Look at your fingers. How weird is that shit?” Bert continues to talk while high as balls.

Reiner-vision shows the scene distorting as it pans up “Dude, like, so Berth decided he wanted to become a soldier because he saw people getting devoured alive.”

“I wonder why,” Jean said with annoyance. 

Eren was equally stoned, “whoa man, Thats super real.” The screen started to change colors.

“Yeah I know, right. I was like, ‘dude chill I just came here for the babes’ and let me say...whoa holy shit dude, check out this fucking caterpillar. (Bert is hear saying, “-yo guys, raisins-”) He’s just sitting on his leaf like ‘fuck yeah. I’m a caterpillar. Gonna turn into a butterfly. Look at me.’” 

Bertholdt turned back to the three behind him, “everyone, look at the trees!” then he fades into the background again.

“We should collect it,” Armin piped up.

“Armeen,” begins Reiner, “I still like you, but fuck no we’re not collecting that caterpillar.”

Sasha, Connie and Hange laughed at the scene before them. Levi was disappointed even though it didn’t actually happen. Armin and Eren seemed to be engaged in silent conversation with Mikasa giggling at whatever the boys were ‘saying’.

“And that’s what makes me the tree man!” Bertholdt was audible again.

The clouds moved, uncovering the moon. The training course was now illuminated by moonlight.

“Whoaa,” Eren slurred. “This is beautiful.”

“Yeah bro,” agreed Reiner. “Check out the vibes. This is my zone of me.”

“I feel attuned with my soul.” They all looked over the cliff at the lake which was sparkling from moonlight.

“Eren,” said Reiner. “I’m telling you, you lift heavy, eat your multis and stay alpha. You’re gonna rock the show tomorrow. Poundtown brother.”

“Despite being a slight retelling of the past nine years, I don’t think that guy is even remotely smart enough to be a traitor,” Levi said.

“Maybe that’s what they want you to think,” Eren gave the man a wide-eyed look.

“What’s Poundtown?” asked Eren.

“My bro is asking the real questions here,” said Armin.

“Poundtown,” the older boy repeated simply.

“Aw. I wanted to know,” said Sasha with much disappointment.

The next morning the cadets were continuing their balance training. 

Shadis growled at Eren’s face and Eren stared back with determination.

“Pull him up,” the Commandant ordered. Everyone stared at Eren nervously. 

Except Mikasa.

That was a given though.

“You’re really staring him down. Making sure he doesn’t mess up, if you remember,” Connie nudged Mikasa’s side with his elbow. 

Eren looked back confidently, ‘I can do this!’ Then they turn the crank and pull him up. Slowly, he leaves the ground, not moving a muscle.

Everyone looked at him in shock with gasps.

“Maybe if we drugged all our soldiers way back when, more of them would have turned competent overnight,” joked Levi.

‘Yes!’ Eren mentally cheered. ‘I’m doing--it’s really happening!’ The crowd cheered but some soldiers could be heard over the cheering. 

“The legend’s real.”

“Way to achieve basic competence!”

Then Eren swayed and lost his balance, swinging backwards.

“Dang it brat. Way to shit the bed, Jӓger,” Levi rubbed his brow. 

The cadets gasped in horror.

“No, I can do it!” insisted Eren as Shadis walked up to him. “Don’t send me on the gorgon trail!” Eren grunted and struggled.

Shadis looked down at him, “Eren, your belt buckle is unfastened.”

“What. The. Fuck?!” Armin shouted protectively. “This man has the audacity to blame Eren when he even admitted to messing with his equipment!” He clasped his hands and took in a deep breath before exploding, “WE WERE ALL THERE FOR GOD’S SAKE!” 

“Armin, not gonna lie but that would have been pretty funny and it’s just as believable because-” Jean was about to finish with ‘you were never taught by your parents when you began to need a belt,’ but he saw Mikasa fuming and decided he liked living.

“Wait, really?” Eren looked down at the belt.

“Did you not know you need to fasten the buckle before wearing a belt?!” Shadis was appalled.

“Uh, no but--”

“Thomas,” said Shadis, alerting the boy behind Eren. “Show Eren Jӓger how to buckle his belt!”

The scene changed to Eren hanging unsteadily but without falling upside down.

“I can do it now!” Eren said in triumph.

“Did you HONESTLY not fucking know how to wear a belt before you came in here? Seriously, look at this. LOOK you dumb motherfucker! It’s the easiest fucking thing to do! How the FUCK did you not know how to buckle a belt?!”

“We didn’t wear belts in Shiganshina,” Eren said blankly. “The tailors were just that good.” 

Mikasa and Armin snorted which quickly evolved into full blown laughter. The others looked at them weirdly but shrugged and went with it.

“Eren Jӓger’s a dumbass!” said a female cadet.

“Yeah he is,” another cadet agreed.

“How could you BE so fucking stupid?!” Shadis shouted, almost impressed.

“This is coming from the guy who thought he was ‘special,’” Eren remembered what he saw in his father’s memories.

Shadis continued, “you’re giving Private Pile a run for her money!”

“How is that even comparable? Not knowing how to buckle a belt versus not knowing where babies come from? There’s a clear distinction between the basic levels of knowledge you need to know for each,” Jean ranted.

“At least I don’t talk to my suit vest,” Eren retorted. 

Jean gasped dramatically, “how could you!” he said with faux despair.

“And until today,” the man continued, “I could have sworn that was a task no man could do. You’ve truly opened my eyes Eren Jӓger. Opened them to how fucking stupid and low-down son of a bitch stupid like you can be!”

“That sentence is grammatically incorrect,” commented Armin. “He used ‘stupid’ as if it were a noun when it is clearly an adjective.”

“Arlert?” Levi brought his attention.

“Yes, sir?” 

“Shut up.”

“Isn’t that right Private Pile?!” asked the yelling man.

“Sir, yes, Sir!” Sasha replied.

“Shut the fuck up Private Pile!”

“Rest in peace Sasha,” Connie patted her pack with a laugh.

“Eren Jӓger, you are a FAILURE of colossal magnitude, and possibly the DUMBEST son of a bitch I’ve ever seen next to Pile,” he sighed begrudgingly, “but you pass.”

“Ok but you look a lot like your mother and if you had long hair at 12, would Shadis come after you? I mean, he did have his eye on her, just saying,” Armin looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully then muttered, “I know you were thinking it Jean.” 

“Armin, A: gross and B: I think Mikasa wants to kill you...” Eren pointed to his raging adoptive sister.

Eren raised his arms victoriously, shouting, “yes! Yes! Fuck yes!” He yells to Mikasa, “Look at that Mikasa! Look! Fuck you and your fat stupid face. You bitch!”

“I didn’t mean it, I swear!” Eren shouted. Everyone turned to see Mikasa, who had tears streaming down her cheeks and Eren with his eyes wide and arms up in surrender. 

“Now nobody will know my mom was a whore!” Eren then realized what he’d just said. Various cadets began asking, “what?” not sure if they had heard correctly.

“SHIT!!” cried Eren. Then the ending theme played.

“Dropped your shit there, Brat. Can’t get those stains off the rug,” Levi said disappointedly.

“It's the drugs that really pulled it together,” said Hange. “Only then could one ever hope to effectively use ODM gear with a broken belt.” 

“I probably could make work, but Jean definitely can’t,” Armin shook his head.

“I see how it is,” fake tears fell from Jean’s eyes.

“Everyone take a shit and do it fast. The episode just ended,” ordered Levi.

Everyone sighed but complied.

Notes:

*Eren and Armin's silent conversation with Mikasa spectating:

Eren: Remember that time Daz got bit in the ass by a snake?

Armin: Holy shit, yeah! It wasn't even venomous but he ran around the barracks screaming and somehow the snake was still on his ass!

Eren: Oh my God, I remember that part! He bowed down and thanked Annie when she had finally had enough and grabbed the poor snake.

Armin: Man, those were weird times.

Eren: Yeah.

Chapters written: 8 out of 19

Chapter 4: Episode 4: Stranger Danger

Summary:

In which Hange get a sad backstory, pelvises are broken and Jean wants to bang Mikasa.

Also Trost.

Notes:

*Edit (July 7, 2021): I went back and added Ascot man's rant when Mikasa picks up the knife and let me tell you, that was probably not the best use of an hour.

As soon as everyone came back from their mandated bathroom break they saw...Historia?

“Guys, the weirdest thing just happened! I was sitting in my room when-” the young queen panicked.

“No, no! It’s ok!” Hange reassured her. 

Connie cut in with a quick explanation, “it’s great actually! This is a hilarious retelling of our story starting from 9 years ago. Eren is a whiny bitch, Mikasa is mega horny for Eren, Armin is psychotic, Jean talks to his suit vest, Eren’s mom was a legend, (“she was a whore” Eren supplied) Shadis’ insults are epic, Sasha (“Private Pile!” Sasha whined into her hands.) was enslaved by you, and Reiner and Bertholdt recommend us to do drugs in order to get mad skills.”

Historia stared dizzily while the new information spun around in her head. “That’s...wow.” 

“Sit! The episode is starting!” Hange ushered them all to the couches.

The theme played and the scene shifted to the training grounds where they slashed titan dummies to learn titan-killing skills. Cadets were working in teams. Jean, Annie and Bertholdt collaboratively swung over and slashed the dummy’s nape. Shadis watched them all from above on a tree-mounted platform, watching the cadets' every move. ‘Jean: is a smarmy douchebag who’s very voice exudes a cock-teasery of the greatest offence. Has an obsession with lubricating his gear.’

“Holy biscuit!” Historia screamed as she dissolved into laughter. And yes, she wasn't cursing because, seriously, she worked in an orphanage. 

“See? This is great!” said Sasha.

Jean forced a twitchy smile, “I’m glad all of you are laughing at my expense.”

‘Probably born out of some situation involving sexual impotence in a nursing home. He also has delusions of running the government, but couldn’t run a sweatshop if he had thirty Filipinos and a metric fuckton of adderall’ the man noted to himself.

“Moral of the story: drugs are always the answer,” smiled Armin brightly. 

“Scientifically proven!” Hange grinned madly with a bit too much teeth.

Shadis looked off to Marco, ‘Marco: If Jean was bad, well then here’s Marco.’ 

The younger seven went quiet, remembering how the freckled angel was no longer with them. Levi and Hange painfully understood how difficult it was when reminiscing about those who were cruelly taken from this world and let their subordinates peacefully mourn.

‘The two go hand in hand like sobbing kids and alcohol abuse.’

Hange froze at the thought, remembering flashes of moments they had long since blocked off from their memory. A man screamed for his child to be normal. A woman crying in pain as the man beat her. A body too young to be theirs wiping tears away. They flinched when Levi barely touched their shoulder but quickly reassured him and took careful sips of water. 

‘This particular assclown has delusions of being god himself. Fancies himself a leader and resolves conflict with cornbread, pattycake bullshit, that makes me pop a rage boner simply out of spite,’ Shadis finished his note of the boy.

“Oh dear...” Historia covered her mouth. “He certainly has a...remarkable disposition?”

The commandant closed his eyes thoughtfully, ‘sometimes I beat him just to listen to him cry. Where’s your god now, you freckled fuck?’ Then he opened them to stare at the boy he was insulting, ‘where’s your god now?!’

Jean blinked twice then stood up, lifted Connie above his head and aimed for the screen.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! No! Stop it! Put me down, Jean!” the bald boy flailed but failed to get out of the horse-face’s grip. 

“This bitch be disrespecting my man, and by extension, me,” Jean simply stated.

“As much as I want to also throw me at Shadis, please fucking don’t!!” 

Mikasa kneed Jean behind his knees and quickly restrained him. Connie hit the ground with an ‘oomph’ as the air got knocked out of him.

“Calm your tits before whatever being that sent us here gets angry,” warns Mikasa as she eased up on her pin.

‘Annie,’ Shadis shifted his focus, ‘a quiet, stupid bitch.’ Then he ended that thought and moved on, “Sasha.”

“Oh my god! I’ve been promoted from Pile!” Sasha rejoiced. 

“RIP Annie, even though that was accurate and she was literally the enemy,” said Armin.

Shadis resumed his description of Sasha, ‘a bumble-fucking, potato-loving, feral dipshit that can’t follow a single order.’

“Actually, it’s called instinct,” sassed Sasha. 

“Go off!” Connie encouraged.

“We stan supportive friends,” Historia pursed her lips in approval.

‘Talks to trees,’ the man listed. ‘Have tried multiple times to kill her by leaving her miles away in the woods. The wolves keep dragging her broken and scarred body back to camp, almost as if they don’t want her.’ Sasha, contrary to his words, appeared to be having fun in the background.

“You’re like a frickin' fairytale princess: you talk to things that aren’t humans and keep coming back like constipation,” Levi groaned when he finished, remembering the stupid children's tales Erwin would read him to sleep with after he lost Isabel and Furlan...

‘Connie: an angry, mean, pissed off, little chihuahua.’

“No, that’s the shorty over there,” insisted Mikasa, pointing at him with her arms crossed. 

Levi popped a blood vessel. “Let’s go outside.”

“Go outside for what?” asked the other Ackerman.

“We gon’ fight.”

“I bet on Mikasa,” Jean called out as the two walked to the hallway. 

After about 2 minutes after the door was closed, the door opened with Levi on Mikasa’s back, grumbling angrily.

“What happened?” asked Hange, shocked that Humanity’s Strongest was defeated so quickly.

“He tried to do a jumping spin kick but dislocated his ankle by kicking the wall and then he proceeded to curse me out,” Mikasa explained. 

“This is the second time, goddamnit!” Levi screamed at the ceiling. “And it was fucking the same side,” he groaned as he grips his left leg. 

Eren got up from his spot and walked over to the Ackermans (Ackermen?). A splint materialized from thin air and Eren caught the contraption then proceeded to snap the joint back into place, earning an indignant shout from the captain, and skillfully put the split on his ankle. 

“Not bad, Jӓger, but shit I actually don't have any jokes about this. This is pretty well done,” Levi looks at his leg. Mikasa plops him down on his seat.

Connie cackled as Shadis continued, “watching him maneuver is like watching a foul, determined little rat running through a maze. Seriously. Just look at him.”

And man did they do just that. 

“The fuck is wrong with you’re face in that spot?” Jean pointed his thumb to the younger Connie. 

“The fuck is with you’re face always, you horse-face?” Connie shot back.

Jean just sputtered.

‘The mere sight of him is enough to piss me off,’ Shadis finished up. Eren zoomed over and slashed two fake napes efficiently.

‘Eren: a complete and total fuck-up but unique in his own, personal brand of failure,’ the man ranted on. ‘If his sister wasn’t around to egg him on he’d be useless. As it stands he’s a hair above useless.’

“If he’s a hair above useless and we cut off a strand, would he be exactly useless?” asked Sasha.

Historia shook her head, “we don’t know which strand is the useful one though.”

“That’s assuming each strand is worth a single ‘usefulness.’ It’s more likely that every hair on his head equates just barely to one point,” Armin theorized.

“Do it. You won’t,” challenged Eren.

“You right. It’s too fabulous,” Mikasa brushed her fingers through the brown locks.

Then Shadis transitioned to said sister, ‘Mikasa: a tactical genius unlike any other our empire has ever seen.’

“Nah that’s Armin but thanks I guess?” said Mikasa.

‘In all my years I dreamt of having a star pupil like her. Someone who can lead, obey and destroy with unparalleled superiority. She is truly mankind’s hero, a savior even.’

“Ah-ah, no. Did everyone forget about Humanity’s Strongest over here? And Humanity’s hope is right over there!” Levi pointed to the tall boi. Mikasa was still stunned by the unnecessary praise given to her by the commandant, blushing until she was a tomato.

‘But she’s a woman. Bad form,’ Shadis finished.

Mikasa’s switch flipped as she went from embarrassed blush to red with rage.

‘Reiner: a retarded mongoloid fuck-up of epic proportions,’ Shadis looked behind him at Reiner and Armin who were following closely as it rained. “I’m 95% sure he’s actually a cross between a gorilla and pure, concentrated ignorance!”

“Little did he know of the true monke-man,” Eren smirked. “Zeke.”

Hange wheezed. Practically everyone laughed at this truth.

‘And last but not least,’ the man listed off the last cadet, “Armin. This child is the ultimate combination of human sin. He is the most terrifying creature I have ever met.”

“Nah, that’s Captain Levi over here,” Historia hooked her arm around the aforementioned captain’s shoulders. 

He raised an eyebrow at that but said nothing.

Shadis kept going, “seriously this kid is fucked. Something is horribly, horribly wrong with him. How someone could have loved something so twisted, so foul, so utterly fucked up beyond repair is beyond me.”

“It’s because my parents were dead,” stated Armin, but then he cracked and giggled. “That’s probably why my grandfather jumped into that titan’s mouth.” He had to cover his mouth at that point since, yeah, his actual grandfather was the best, but that other world’s version was a dick. 

Eren smirked at the blonde’s words. Historia looked concerned but Hange explained the circumstances in this version of history. 

“By the walls Sasha, there are knives and cutting boards for a reason!” Jean stared at the ravenous girl who was trying to shove her mouth in half a watermelon.

“But it’s so refreshing!” Sasha slurped at the dripping watermelon juice. “You should try some,” she shoved some into Connie’s face, nearly suffocating him in the process. 

“On the plus side he is intelligent.” 

“You certainly got that right,” Hange grinned, thinking of the brilliant tactical strategies and plans Armin has created and just how beautifully they succeeded, orchestrated so in tune with everyone’s individual skills. 

He grimaced, “but seriously, fuck that kid.”

“It’s because I have all the drugs,” said Armin in a dramatically cheerful voice while pointing up. 

“He more likely wanted a person like you, but with Mina’s personality. I mean, munchkin sodomy right?” Eren rest his chin on his fist, anchoring his thumb on the side of his jaw. 

“Dear god, why did you have to remind us, Jӓger?” Levi complained slightly, shaking his head at the mentally scarring memories that were brought up. 

“Do I want to know?” asked Historia as the idiot trio between EMA and the superior trio continued to laugh their asses off.

Levi contemplated the consequences of explaining to their dear queen the epic horrors of the world but instead opted for, “we did it differently in the Underground.”

“EEEYYY! I would high-five you but you’re all the way over there,” Armin hunched over in his spot so his chest was to his knees and reached over both arms with his palms facing the captain. 

Shadis rides back as the cadets run in front of him in the rain. Shadis recited a drill exercise that the cadets repeat: “I don’t know what I’ve been told. Titan puss is mighty cold.”

“Even if they did have vaginas, there is absolutely no way they would be cold,” Hange began a rant. “So therefore his-”

“-do you want to stay here longer?” interrupted Levi. The commander took a moment. “Hange, no,” Levi scolded as if they were a small child. “We have titans at home.”

“But what about the titans in this universe!”

“No.”

“But!”

“No!”

“...party pooper.”

The scene went black then faded back in, panning over the beautiful lake just outside the training area. Then Reiner is seen running with a wooden knife in preparation to thrust it. Eren got in position to stop the taller boy then when he got close enough, Eren tossed the older boy over his shoulders. 

“Not bad, Jӓger,” complimented Levi.

“I was 5th place in the 104 after all,” scoffed Eren, brushing his unevenly braided hair off his shoulder, unraveling all of Mikasa’s hard work. She pouted slightly but sighed and started again from scratch. A few hair ties appeared on the coffee table, much to Mikasa’s delight.

“That was totally alpha,” said Reiner after he hit the ground. Eren helped him up then looked at the wooden knife.

“I don’t get why we have to practice these anti-shank techniques. I mean, I get that one day we might be in prison and taking a shower and suddenly need these skills, but how will this help us kill titans?” asked Eren.

“Little did he know, it would be extremely useful to know hand-to-hand combat because of his titan shifting powers,” Hange said with their features slightly resembling insane passion, not unlike when they talked about titans. 

“But you couldn’t have learned how to minimize collateral damages? The budget is still suffering from the damages in Stohess,” Levi rolled his eyes. 

“And I apologized for that. So look at it this way, the demolitions crew will have less work when they finally start remodeling the physical infrastructure,” reasoned Eren. 

“Eren, we talked about this,” Armin shook his head.

“Yeah, yeah. Deflection is not a healthy coping mechanism. Yada yada,” the taller man crossed his arms around his leg and leaned his chin on his knee.

“Bro. Cause like, uh,...what if you’re in prison and uh...titans. Whoa,” stuttered Reiner vaguely.

Eren sighed wistfully, “would have been a nice skill to have when my father made me into one.”

“I feel like that came in handy for me at least,” Historia spoke up, recalling when her father attempted to make her the founding titan.

“Oh yeah. RIP.”

“Thanks.”

“Reiner, you really need to slow down on the drugs man,” Eren looked up at the other boy, slightly wide-eyed.

“Damn. He’s the only one more stoned than me,” Armin cracked up. 

“That can’t be healthy--no wait. Titan healing,” Levi was nearly concerned but he remembered that titan powers could literally regenerate lost limbs so the boy was probably okay...probably...not that he cared though since he was a traitor. Fuck, Hange was rubbing off on him.

Reiner justified, “it’s like, weed or life, Eren.”

Eren furrowed his brow, “I'm seriously worried about you. Your heart stopped yesterday and you were just reciting the alphabet.”

“Fucking roids man. No pain, no gain.”

“Should we add this to the near-death count?” asked Jean.

Armin shook his head, “this is pretty harmless considering what IS on the list.”

Reiner turned his head to Annie who was walking about without actually participating in the training exercise. “Hey, look.” Reiner leaned down to Eren, “let’s tag that.”

“How about no. This guy already called dibs,” Eren pointed his thumb at Armin. Said blonde was blushing as he was caught off guard from the sudden declaration. 

Reiner walked up to Annie, “hey slut! I hope you’ve got a valid locomotive operator’s license. Cause you’re about to get a train run on you.”

“That was just painfully bad,” Jean cringed. 

Annie stared at him with a dark look, eyes reflecting the sunlight ghoulishly. 

Reiner suddenly clapped his hands on Eren’s shoulders from behind, making the poor younger boy stand ramrod straight. Reiner didn’t appear to notice, “come on, Eren! Bag this chick. Poundtown.”

“Poor little-Eren. You looked so uncomfortable and Reiner has, like, a rape-face,” Historia was pretty disgusted with the whole situation.

“Though he didn’t word it like that, it basically happened. Still gross though,” Eren agreed.

“I’m still not clear on the concept of Poundtown,” Eren looked behind himself to talk a bit more properly to the other boy.

“You’ve got this bro,” reassured the taller boy.

Annie got into a fighting stance and Eren signaled his charge, “alright, Annie. Here I come!” The scene seemed to stop as Eren leapt toward the unassuming girl. Annie swung a kick and Eren gritted his teeth as it impacted off-screen.

“HOLY FUCK!” Eren fell to his knees in pain, clutching to the prop knife. He got up to his feet slowly, “oh my god, what the fuck, Annie?! You kicked me in-- Agghh, ow, what the fuck, Annie?!” then he fell back to the ground in a fetal position, rocking slightly. Nearby cadets stared at Eren’s bitching.

“Fuck, I felt that,” Connie subconsciously curled in a bit. Jean agreed with a grimace. Levi scoffed; this probably was the only thing his height came in handy for. On the plus side he was the perfect height to inflict such cruelty. 

“Aah, you literally shattered my pelvis,” Eren continued to rock on the ground.

“What the hell, bitch?” Reiner yelled to Annie. “You sterilized Jӓgermeister!”

“He probably couldn’t become sterile even if he tried. I’m more interested if he could possibly reproduce asexually,” Hange leaned to the EMA trio, again smothering Levi.

“Just stop! This is not the time, nor the place, shitty-glasses,” Levi dug his fingers under their ribs, aggressively tickling their side to get them off of him.

“And no one is going to ask me for my consent?” asked Eren.

“Or mine?” Armin added.

“Nope,” said Hange without missing a beat.

“You didn’t even finish the job,” Reiner referred to the knife that was still in Eren’s grip.

Eren released his hold on his legs immediately, using the wooden knife to protect himself, despite knowing it would do nothing, “no, Reiner, don’t tell her!” 

Annie walked over to him and Eren was seen already flipped over about to land on his back.

“At least you learned some moves from her,” Jean pursed his lips and shrugged to one side. 

“And look how much that helped,” Eren reminded him of how he eventually got kidnapped from his last encounter. Lives were lost. Hannes was-- Eren nipped at his pointer finger. 

Mikasa quickly replaced the finger with an apple slice, setting a newly filled plate between them. ‘No titan shifting while they were all in the same enclosed space,’ she internally sighed when she saw he didn’t break the skin.

Eren landed on his shoulders face-up, but his legs landed forward with his knees by his head. “My testicles feel like they’ve been pasteurized.”

“How flexible are you even? I know we did all that yoga in training but you look like you could fold yourself in half at the ribs,” Sasha said, mildly horrified but oddly impressed.

“Would it make you feel any better if I confirmed that?” said Eren.

“...uhhh.”

“Not really? I suppose I can’t then.”

No one knew what to do with this information. No one wanted to know. Eren still stared off disinterestedly despite his companions’ discomfort.

“How could such a loving god allow such cruelty?” Eren bitched.

“Our religion is literally based around the walls which not that long ago we found out were just made of titans,” Connie scrunched up his face at the screen.

“I feel like I’ve just endured the Holocaust.” Eren looked grimly at Reiner, “call Kofi Annan cause you’ve just committed a war crime against my manhood.” Eren choked up at the end.

Everyone that had a dick showed varying degrees of sympathy and pain.

“Your turn you roid-chomping orangutan!” Annie threw the knife at Reiner who caught it with ease. Eren was still ass-up between them.

“Eh, nah I’m good,” Reiner tried to back out of the challenge.

“Come on Reiner,” gritted Eren, “Poundtown!”

“Fucking Jӓger. Always so righteous...Alright! Bros over Hoes!” 

Reiner ended up similarly to how Eren was but his knees were straight. Eren kneeled by him, concerned as Annie walked away.

“He deserved that,” Historia said and everyone of course agreed.

“Damnit Jӓger. That was amazing,” said Reiner from the ground.

Eren shouted to Annie, “you just viciously crippled two people, and you still look bored. How do you do it?”

“As a baby I was abandoned in the forest and left to die. I was raised by woodland critters until the age of six, when a drunken master found me and raised me as his daughter,” she explained. “Taught me how to fight and kill until one night...” The scene changed to a flashback.

Annie’s master knelt down and spoke to her, “and now comes the last part of your training. In which I abandon you so you can become a bitter, hateful woman. Just like my master did to me.”

Younger Annie cried as the man hugged her, “but sensei, you promised never to leave me!”

“Yes! So you can become more hateful than I ever was!”

“No! Nooooo!”

“GO-GO-GADGET DADDY ISSUES!” Then the flashback ended.

“I swear, is there anyone else here with daddy issues?!” Jean threw his hands up at about eye-level. Eren, Historia and Hange raised their hands. Levi’s was halfway raised because, was it really daddy issues if you didn’t even have a father figure? Hange raised his arm fully because they knew how much Kenny meant to Levi in the end. 

“Huh, I would have thought Mikasa too,” Connie looked at the raised hands.

“Mikasa had a nice set of parents, actually,” Armin informed. Mikasa drew her scarf up above her nose. Images of her parents’ bodies flashed in her mind. 

“Brats, let’s just continue,” Levi didn’t like the unsettled atmosphere made by the mention of Mikasa’s past. It must not have ended well for her parents and he knew what that was like. 

“What he said!” Hange agreed, seeing that Levi was comforting the kids in his own way.

“And then he left,” summarized Annie. “And now I kick men in the balls.”

“Wow,” Eren smacked his lips, “that’s really fucked up, but what I meant to ask was, how do you do all that and still look bored?”

“Eren’s reaction is a mood,” said Historia. 

“I agree,” Connie said, “anyone think what Annie said there was true though?”

“Based on what we know about Marley, it probably was true, or at least the general events were,” Armin rested his chin on his fist in thought.

“Looking apathetic makes me sexy,” she answered. “Pop culture says so.”

“She’s not wrong,” Connie found himself blurting out. He quickly covered his mouth but it was too late.

“Springer, really? Right in front of my salad?” Levi held up the plate of leafy greens for emphasis.

“Pop culture is retarded,” Eren replied. “And you should know, apathy is not sexy, it’s passion and confidence that make you stand out.”

“The only thing you do passionately and confidently is bitch,” Jean looked at Eren. Mikasa cracked her knuckles without looking back at Jean. 

“Ackerman, how about a compromise?” Levi suggested. Mikasa turned to face him and looked him in the eyes, signaling him to keep going, “after this is all over, you get one mock deathmatch.” 

Mikasa thought it over, “...fine.”

“I’m passionately, confidently apathetic,” Annie reiterated.

Eren grew frustrated, “there’s no such thing!” 

Annie swooped back and got up in Eren’s face. “I AM SEXY!” 

“Yeah, probably. If you wiped that look of fake shit-smell off your face.”

Levi turned away from everyone, covering his mouth as his shoulders shook.

“Only you would find that funny,” snorted Hange.

“You chauvinistic pig!” retorted Annie.

“No, that’s Reiner,” Eren’s tone loosened up a bit. 

“Slut,” said Reiner as he watched the whole thing go down.

Historia looked, in a word, murderous. She wasn’t tense or anything that would outwardly expose her as such, but the aura emanating from her as she stared with unblinking eyes nearly suffocated Connie and Jean (being the closest males with weaker constitutions). Even Levi felt a little submissive under the wrath of their queen.

“I’m just saying, you’d get a lot farther with guys, also if you didn’t kick them in the dick,” Eren said at a relatively normal volume.

Annie continued shouting, “you woman-hater! I shall take revenge,” she spun around and knocked Eren’s legs out from under him, “FOR APATHY!”

“NO!” shouted Eren as he hit the ground again. Then Annie put the fake blade to his throat. “NO!” he nearly whimpered. “It’s- It’s equally applicable to men too. Jesus.”

Mikasa stood up, walked over to a punching bag in the corner of the room with Annie’s face taped to it and annihilated it in one hit before walking over and sitting back down.

Eren gripped Annie’s wrists, his arms shaking with effort as he tried to prevent the fake blade from piercing his throat.

“Men with struggles. I like that in a guy,” Annie commented.

Mikasa was vibrating in her spot, ready to attack at any moment. She eventually got up and repeated her earlier vent method 10 more times before she felt calm enough to sit back down.

“It just isn’t the same,” she shook her head.

Eren patted her back, “I hear ya.”

“The vicious demolition?” asked Connie.

“Well, I wasn’t actually punching Annie into oblivion, so it didn’t hit different,” Mikasa elaborated.

“I regret that I asked.”

“No, you like passion! Specifically the passion I have not to die!” cried Eren.

Annie decided Eren wasn’t worth it at that point and stood up, “whatever. I have no more time for you fools. I’m going to go off now and concentrate on my anger.” 

Eren thought as she walked off, ‘holy shit, she needs counseling.’

“That’s rich coming from you,” said Levi. “With the shit we’ve seen and had to clean up, we ALL need counselling, and there isn’t even enough money or time in Paradis to deal with the nine of us.”

Jean opened his mouth but Levi cut him off, “nope, even you have issues. That Marco brat right?” Jean closed his mouth.

It was now dinner time in the mess hall. 

“Hey Armin,” said a cadet, “I heard you got caught sneaking into the girls dormitory again. You getting something we aren’t?”

“Did that actually happen?” asked Hange.

Armin nodded tentatively, “but it wasn’t my fault! On the first day, an officer mistakenly shoved me into that dorm, but when the female inspector came back to get us for uniform fitting, she realized I wasn’t supposed to be there and booted me out.”

“Still, we could have all been in the girl’s dorm together,” Mikasa brought up.

“And still, the timestream would have gotten messed up,” countered Eren.

“No,” Armin protested, “you don’t get it. It’s not anything sexual at all.”

“That TOTALLY does not sound suspicious,” Jean rolled his eyes.

Armin explained, “I just like watching the soft way they breathe in their sleep while hidden in the dark shadows.”

“I was not expecting that but it’s not unwelcome,” Historia pursed her lips in approval.

“That’s probably the most shocking detail. Armin’s pretty messed up in that world,” Jean said.

“I was hesitant to believe what that world’s Shadis said about how fucked up he was, but now, I believe it.”

“Squirt some of that in my mouth, bro. All the fruit is as the bottom, so just, like, shake it a bit man,” Reiner said. “It’s not gay if you’re wearing socks, bro.”

“Does that apply to stockings?” Levi accidentally thought aloud. He slapped his hand over his mouth and paled slightly.

“I heard nothing, but if someone hypothetically asked, I would answer: no, but the whole socks thing is bullshit in the first place,” Eren spoke up, not caring anymore about the consequences.

Ah yes. Another collective hallucination.

Eren continued to listen to the various side conversations in the mess hall.

He glared as Jean proclaimed, “-and that’s how you make it into the military police.”

“You make it sound so easy,” a cadet replied from across Jean. 

Jean hunched over the table, resting his left arm and right elbow on the table and bringing his hand to his chin. “Well, it requires a talented man.” He glanced at Mikasa, “talented in more ways than one.”

“Just remember how you announced the fact that you take advice from your suit vest, Jean,” Connie reminded him.

“Says the one with tiny balls,” Jean retaliated.

“Both of you, shut up!” yelled Levi.

“Boy howdy, the military police. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?” Marco looked up as his thoughts drifted. “I could finally spread my message of peace through the populous, and solve human conflict.” He punctuated his thought with a swig from his jug.

“Marco’s over here trying to start up a new religion,” Sasha said as the unhealthy snacks slowly disappeared. She groaned in disappointment when she reached over and there was nothing.

Jean bopped him on the head, causing Marco to splash juice all over his face before saying, “drop that bullshit, Marco!” Jean took a fistful of the other’s shirt, “I know what you want. You want the same things I want.”

“What the hell was that for?” Connie glared at Jean. 

“Military police,” Jean said in monotone. 

Connie rolled his eyes

Jean grinned greedily, “money, power, respect, vaguely oriental women named Mikasa. Stick with me, Marco, and my empire will provide it all. We’re gonna live the soft and easy life.” 

“I apologize in advance if I happen to punch you,” said Levi.

“O-oh...” Jean replied with a nervous chuckle.

Eren grabbed the other two boys’ attention, “hey Jean, you don’t need to go to the capital to live the soft and easy life.”

“What do you mean?” asked Jean, turning to face Eren.

“Considering how much you lube up your gear, I’d say you’re already living the soft and easy life.” Everyone laughed at Eren’s sick burn. Eren continued, “but it’s no worries, at least you’ve got your suit vest.”

“Hey, the ODM gear runs smoother if it’s well-greased!” Jean defended his otherworldly self.

“You’re just mad you aren’t actually getting sex, despite literally being what, like 13ish?” Connie poked at Jean’s shoulder with a shit-eating grin.

Jean’s eye twitched, “at least I’m not an asshole to my women. If I had my own china-doll I’d let her hair grow out as long as she likes.”

“Again, this relationship is platonic,” Mikasa gestured to herself and Eren with a circular motion.

“At least they’re not blood related,” Armin reminded the others. Mikasa scrunched her face in offence.

“He’s got, Yellow fever~” Suit Vest sang.

“Dumbass, dolls can’t grow hair,” Eren said, not understanding the implication.

“This isn’t even inaccurate in terms of your density,” Jean quipped.

“We all know you’re a fucking simp Jean. Shut up,” Eren rolled his eyes.

Eren’s pupils closed nearly to pinpricks when he processed what Jean meant, “wait, were you referring to Mikasa?”

“Duh!” answered Jean.

Eren stood up abruptly, “you fuzzy fucker!”

Jean followed suit, “you titan lover!”

“Nope, that’s four-eyes,” Levi pointed to them with his thumb.

Eren grabbed a fistful of the taller boy’s shirt in rage but Mikasa stepped in and separated the two gently, “calm the fuck down.”

Jean watched as she maneuvered Eren’s hand with loving care. Tears of envy pricked the corners of his eyes as he viciously grabbed Eren’s shirt. 

“What the hell?!” shouted Eren.

“Everything you do stretches the boundaries of what a sibling relationship is!” Jean cried in frustration. 

“We did it diff-” Armin tried to say their vague justification but Jean pointed and interrupted him, “don’t give me that crap! Paradis isn’t even that culturally diverse!”

“You’ve never been underground,” Levi muttered under his breath.

“Screw you Eren! I am the 1%” Jean kept shouting at Eren.

“The one percent of what? Douchebags?” asked Historia.

“Ouch,” said Jean. “You're not wrong.”

Eren who had previously calmed down was enraged once more, “you stupid-” He cut himself off in his thoughts, ‘wait! Jean wants to screw my sister. It all makes sense now! Why he’s a douchebag to me! Why he’s a douchebag in general.’

“This is starting to get all detective-like now,” Hange was intrigued by the different techniques used to denote thoughts.

“He looks like he’s constipated but just discovered laxatives,” joked Levi dryly.

“I will admit to being emotionally dense,” Eren said as Mikasa tied off the much more well-done braid.

“It’s missing something,” she said to herself as hairpins with metal flowers appeared on her lap. Mikasa’s eyes lit up as she decorated the braid. When she finished she showed everyone.

“That’s so pretty Mikasa! You learned so quickly,” complimented Historia. 

“His hair looks so soft,” Sasha reached out. Mikasa pulled Eren toward the other couch so that Sasha could examine her handywork. 

Armin smiled sadly, “you should look in a mirror Eren.” He directed the taller man to a wall mounted mirror hanging on the wall to the left of everyone.

Eren looked at his reflection and recognized what made Armin so solemn. He looked just like his mother. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks as his knees buckled. As Mikasa took him in her arms, he clutched the back of her shirt tightly. No sobs came out of his trembling lips. Mikasa led him to the bathroom to calm down and get cleaned up.

Once everyone was situated, they resumed watching.

‘Poundtown,’ thought Reiner as he sipped from his mug.

Annie looked at the scene behind her and thought, ‘you woman-hater!’

‘That’s it!’ Eren remembered what he learned earlier from Annie, ‘I’ll use Annie’s hateful techniques to handle this situation.’ 

In slow-motion, Eren grabbed Jean’s wrist with his left hand, pushed on Jean’s throat with his right and kicked Jean’s foot out from under him, effectively tossing him to the ground. 

“You learned that move just from experiencing it once?” Jean looked at Eren in amazement.

Eren adjusted his posture to what he’d seen noblewomen do and delicately smiled. “You mean like this?” he said in a motherly voice.

Annie’s eyes widened, ‘why am I aroused?’ 

“Er, what she said,” Jean kept staring as Eren giggled behind the back of his hand. 

The effects went back to normal and Jean hit the ground at normal speed.

“Aaaeggh, what the hell was that?” Jean gasped.

“That’s the martial arts I went through a whirl of pain to learn!” Eren looked to the floored boy. “That’s right Jean, I AM the broken pelvis master. And as long as I live, you’re not going anywhere near my sister.”

Sasha and Connie laughed hysterically at the ‘broken pelvis master’ bit. 

“Epic,” nodded Historia in approval.

“We stan protective siblings,” said Armin.

The door creaked open and the mess hall went silent. Shadis peered menacingly at the cadets through the small gap of the slightly-opened door. Then he shut the door.

“Half of them look like they shit themselves,” said Levi. 

“I think one did if I remember correctly,” Sasha recalled that night.

“...fucking disgusting,” Levi said with repulsion.

Sasha appeared to be having a one-sided conversation with Mikasa, with Armin watching worriedly from across the table. Jean and Eren seemed to be conversing civilly.

A female voice narrated, “emboldened by Eren’s display, the cadets trained harder than ever. They fought, they bled and they struggled. And suddenly, before they knew it, the night of graduation was upon them.”

“Ah, how the time went by,” Historia reminisced.

Armin nodded, “it’s too bad that chapter of our lives ended so horribly...”

“Yeah...” Connie trailed off.

“Salute!” shouted the Commandant. The cadets saluted with a cheer.

“You came as failures and degenerates,” Shadis said. “After training for 3 years and sacrificing it all, you are still failures and degenerates.” 

Eren grit his teeth at that. Their first mission had been a complete massacre, and it was all thanks to Bertholdt. No one was prepared and those ‘warriors’ took full advantage of that. 

“Hey,” Mikasa whispered, “we’ll figure this out.” Little did she know, Eren already had a plan in place.

The scene panned over and showed the top 10 cadets in descending order. Jean stared at Eren.

Shadis continued, “fuck every single one of you. Tomorrow, you'll make the decision that you’ll regret for the rest of your lives.”

“Bold of you to assume I had a choice,” said Levi.

“Big oof Captain,” Jean expressed his sympathies.

“You have three choices,” a diagram of the walls was displayed as Shadis explained each role. “Do you join the Garrison protecting the towns and reinforcing the walls? Well just look at that badge. (The Garrison’s roses badge twirled before settling) If you like homoerotic fanfic and masonry, consider this your new home. (The badge went to the left of the screen.) Next, we have the Survey Corps. (The Wings of Freedom twirled similarly to the previous badge) Where the remnants of your very short lives will be composed of pants-shitting terror. Sign on up and get eaten by a fucking titan. (The badge went to the right of the screen.)”

“And yet most of the people we knew over the years were not eaten because they were killed by shifters,” Hange pointed out. 

The MP badge twirled into view and Shadis finished off the regiment explanations “and finally we have the Military Police. Now I know each and every one of you wants to get in there. Not because it’s the easy life. But because you fairy fuck, pixie dust cupcakes love the idea of a goddamn unicorn being your mascot. Seriously! Look at that. That shit is gayer than a Christmas morning rainbow.”

“Is that why you wanted to join, Jean?” teased Connie, poking at the taller man’s cheek. 

Jean swatted Connie’s hand away.

“The horn symbolizes the raging hard-ons you’ll be having, when you realize that breakfast begins with a nice round of cock-slap in the communal hot tub. You cock hungry buffaloes are gonna love it there, but I get the last laugh, because only the top ten shit-piles get the privilege. The rest of you are gonna have to be content with sucking your own dicks.” 

“If they truly did that, I could see why Kenny became a serial killer,” said Levi.

“Because justifying murder is the best logic!” Hange played along.

“And now,” the man began, “we present the best shitpiles in the 104th.”

‘I ranked behind Eren?!’ Jean thought with outrage.

Connie and Sasha snorted and laughed at Jean’s petty thought.

‘I ranked behind Mikasa?!’ Eren thought with sad disappointment.

“Ackerman supremacy,” Mikasa stated.

She and Levi snapped finger guns to each other then settled back.

‘I ranked behind everyone!’ Armin thought excitedly.

“That’s honestly the best mentality,” Hange advised. “Don’t expect anything.”

“You good Hange?” Levi raised an eyebrow and sat up to face them. They didn’t appear to hear but realized after a moment.

“Oops! Was that too believable?” they changed their tone back to normal. Levi eyed them cautiously.

An image titled ‘Sarge’s Notes’ described Historia with ‘Lesbo-Witch Bitch’, Sasha with ‘Sniffs Markers, I have never hated a woman more than I hate her’, Connie with ‘Masturbates Furiously’, Marco with ‘Definitely a Queer’ and Jean with ‘Horse-Faced Lube Enthusiast, speaks to his clothes...what the fuck’.

“That’s not too bad in terms of what we’ve seen in the last half an hour,” said Armin.

Another image titled ‘Sarge’s Notes’ describes Eren with ‘Still Wets the Bed, I secretly hope he dies’, Annie with ‘Snaggle-toothed McSourPuss’, Bertholdt with ‘Tall Twiggy Grasshopper’, Reiner with ‘Retard Strength, I once saw him eat a rock at lunchtime. A fucking rock ’ and Mikasa with ‘Asian War Goddess, Sweet Baby Jesus call me when she’s legal’.

“Reiner is a rock when you think about it. So technically, wouldn’t that be considered cannibalism?” asked Sasha.

“...what the fuck?” Jean replied.

“That’s great and all, but he also made a note about getting with Mikasa,” Connie pointed to the screen. 

“I could take him,” Mikasa cracked her neck.

The scene panned to a different mess hall where the cadets celebrated graduation through feast.

“Cheers!” people throughout the crowd clinked their mugs.

“We did it!” said a female cadet.

“Now we can receive food like normal people!” another cadet said.

“Nah, the only difference was that there was meat,” Sasha drooled.

“Fuck you, Eren,” slurred Jean, “you…shit.” He took a swig from his mug.

“I love you, Jean,” said Suit Vest.

“Shut up, Suit Vest.” Jean’s voice cracked, “this is all your fault. You told me I’d score number one.”

“That’s what I get for trusting my suit vest,” Jean sighed dramatically.

“Let’s go dancing Jean!” said Suit Vest.

“No! We’re not dancing,” Jean replied.

“Keep drinking Jean. I want to take advantage of you.” 

Jean groaned and downed the rest of his drink.

“Well that escalated quickly,” Historia was slightly dumbfounded but it wasn’t the worst thing she’d seen in the time she’d been there.

“How would that even work?” Hange wondered aloud. For science of course.

Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Marco and Thomas hung out by one of the walls.

Eren looked up at the group, “I can’t wait to kill the titans! I can’t wait to lead the scouting legion.”

“That comment didn’t age well,” Eren deadpanned, remembering his imprisonment and how everyone basically wanted to kill or use him in some way. Not to mention all the kidnapping. Good times.

Thomas brought up, “but Eren, Mikasa’s so much better than--” Shrill music played as the screen turned red. The mess hall went quiet.

“Hey, are you alright?” asked Levi, frowning at Historia.

She was bent in her seat with her hands cupped protectively around her ears. She shuddered then slowly came back to her sitting position.

“Yeah, that sound just kinda hurt my ears a bit,” Historia felt a lingering fear in the back of her head.

“I-I mean-- I mean that--” Thomas looked both ways trying to find a more tactful answer.

Eren grumbled slightly, “I know what you mean. And yeah she scored number one, but scores aren’t everything when it comes to facing the titans.”

“Huh. That’s probably the smartest thing I’ve heard you say all day,” complimented Levi.

Eren continued, “the last time I saw one I handled it better.”

“No, actually, you cried,” Mikasa interjected.

“No I didn’t Mikasa! Gosh!” Eren shouted with tears in the corners of his eyes. He quickly ran out of the mess hall, Armin and Mikasa following after a second. Jean watched from his seat.

“Eren, why do you cry like every episode?” asked Jean.

“He’s an angry crier. And a frustrated crier. I think he also once cried on his birthday,” Armin listed. 

“It’s to balance out Mikasa’s lack of tears,” Eren joked then got punched on the bicep by said sister.

“Aw, whatcha doing, Eren? Crying like a little bitch?” Mikasa teased. Eren rubbed away tears and turned to face her and Armin with his puffy red eyes.

“No,” Eren sobbed.

“Look, I’m just teasing. Here, sibling hug.”

“Ok...”

“Group hug!” Historia ordered. Everyone shuffled over to the middle and hugged as best as they could when said hug consisted of 9 people. Then they sat back at their spots.

Armin turned to Eren, “so, I’ve given it a lot of thought. And I’m joining the Survey Corps.”

It wasn’t a secret that Armin had joined to see the ocean and everyone could agree that the ocean was sight to behold.

“What?” Eren was caught off guard, “why? Armin seriously, you suck at everything, you’ll die there.”

Armin looked away, “I know.”

“Which part am I even acknowledging?” asked Armin.

“Yes,” chorused everyone else.

“You’re gonna get slaughtered on the first mission,” Eren spiraled.

“I know,” repeated Armin.

“I nearly did. But thankfully Eren went into the titan’s mouth and threw me out instead,” said Armin.

“That’s pretty sick, Jӓger. Not many people get swallowed by a titan and live to tell the tale,” Levi sipped his English Breakfast milk tea.

Eren nodded as Mikasa and Armin leaned on his shoulders, snuggling up to him like they used to when they were kids.

“With your tactical brilliance you could become a general in the Garrison,” suggested Eren.

Armin repeated once more, “I know,” though he was getting slightly annoyed.

“So why the hell are you coming with me to the Survey Corps?” Eren emphasized.

“I like how Eren is just talking and talking and Armin is just so done with everything,” Historia said. “Armin is such a mood. I feel that way when I’m in meetings sometimes, but I have to ‘control myself’ because apparently I must abide by some ancient form of etiquette. Talk about misogynistic assholes.”

“Ugh. I know what you mean,” agreed Sasha. “Not you Armin. You cool.”

“Thanks!” said the blonde boi.

“I want to see death,” Armin replied in a dark tone. 

“Hey, Grandpa prevented me from seeing it when we were on the escape boat,” Armin brought up. “I was obviously looking forward to that.”

Jean went along with it, “my suit vest told me to tell you that your justification is amazing.” 

After a beat, Mikasa joined in the conversation, “I’m joining the Survey Corps too.”

Eren groaned, “of course you are.”

“Seriously Eren, you’ll die on the first mission without me.”

Eren turned away from her and put his hand on the side of his head to block her from his peripherals, “so you’re gonna be there to mock me at every step?”

“No, I’ll be there because I don’t wanna lose you.”

“You guys are so cute and stuff! It almost makes my teeth hurt with how sweet you all are,” Sasha put a hand over her heart as she was hit by feels. 

“They had to keep their sanity somehow,” Levi said. “It would be a different story if they all just went their separate ways...Sorry. Underground politics.”

Eren’s eyes widened. Mikasa looked down at her lap. Eren glanced toward Mikasa and back before leaning on his palms to look up at the night sky. Armin followed along.

“Wow, look at that,” said Eren, snapping Mikasa from her thoughts. She looked up to see the candlelit skyline shadowed by the walls before finally looking past all that to the sky.

Armin interrupted the mood, “Eren, do you ever wish humans could photosynthesize?”

“No, but I bet Hange does,” Eren said to the younger Armin.

“What?” Eren was caught off guard, “no.”

“I do,” continued Armin. “I think it’d be cool to be a plant.”

“Maybe in the next life,” Jean suggested.

“Sure would be better than getting beat up that often,” agreed Armin.

The next day the townspeople cheered as the Scouts came back from their latest expedition.

“We now support you but we’re still ignorant.”

“Yeah! Kick some ass for me commander Erwin!”

“Look it’s Levi, humanity’s badass!”

“It’s a nice change I suppose. They really hammered us down in the first episode,” Hange rubbed the back of their neck with a nervous chuckle.

Eren and Armin looked at all the scouts with interest, seeing Hange, Mike and Levi.

“Levi, you’re so awesome, marry me!” another woman said.

“Shut the fuck up,” Levi shouted to her.

Hange snorted obnoxiously and laughed so painfully hard that they were rolling on the floor. Levi froze as his face turned more and more red by the second. Normally he would have outwardly brushed it off but still be slightly flustered, but Hange’s reaction threw him off.

The cadets watched joyfully as the scouts continued to ride to their base.

“Wow,” Eren said, “this is totally different. The ignorant masses are now supportive.”

“It’s because humanity’s fucked,” Hannah crushed their spirits.

“Little did they know that we would eventually kill virtually all pure titans,” said Connie.

“Hannah’s so chill about it though,” Sasha said. 

“Right Hannah. Luckily we’ve come in time to spread the hippy message.” said Franz. “We’ll defeat them through the power of love, not even the titans can match that.”

“Right!” the ginger agreed.

“Were they…?” Hange asked vaguely.

“Yeah, they died pretty early on in Trost,” said Connie, remembering Hannah’s efforts to resuscitate Franz despite only having his lower half eaten.

“You seriously believe that? You stupid couple!” Eren scolded. Armin put his hands up in surrender to apologize for Eren’s behavior.

Franz and Hannah blushed at the boy’s words. 

“Eren, don’t call us a couple. We only bang on weekends,” Franz explained.

“What would qualify for couple status then? Every other day? Five times a day?” asked Connie. “It’s pretty ambiguous and now that I’m talking about it, I regret being so invested.”

“Why are you asking us? Literally all of us are single,” Eren answered with a question. 

“Huh. I guess you’re right.”

Eren shook with anger, “first off, you’re in love with a ginger. You might as well be sleeping with the enemy.”

“I was wondering when that point was gonna come up,” Jean thought aloud.

A familiar voice startled Eren and Armin, “eeey, did I just hear someone call for a ginger?” Hannes walked over to the cadets.

“Hannes, what the fuck? You’re still alive?” shouted Eren.

“That comment didn’t age well,” said Eren, sipping his 5th juice box. 

Eren continued yelling angrily, “goddamnit I was so hoping you would have been claimed by cirrhosis.”

Hange knew what that was but looked to Eren anyway.

Eren raised an eyebrow, “really? (Hange nodded) Okay then? It’s scarring of the liver caused by things like alcoholism.”

“You weren’t kidding about being all book-smart!”

“Actually I fished through Father's memories for that one. We were about to cover that but then the wall and the titans and yeah...”

“Hey now, that’s no way to talk to your father-” Eren cut Hannes off, “POTENTIAL father!”

“Right, potential,” Hannes poked Eren on the forehead. “On your graduation day. I’ve come to see you off.”

“Really?” Eren asked skeptically. “Or were you just drunkenly stumbling about and accidentally ran into us?”

“The other guy behind Hannes has the exact expression Armin has,” said Historia.

“He’s probably nowhere near as awesome,” said Connie.

“Aw! Thanks, you guys!” Armin said.

Hannes continued stuttering, “that’s...no way...to talk to you fath--”

“POTENTIAL!” insisted Eren.

“Poten-” Hannes tried to repeat, but was too drunk to do so, instead belched. The two stared at each other.

“I love you Eren,” cried the drunken man.

“Well I hate you. I hate you so much. You make me sick!” Eren replied. Hannes stared at the boy with wide eyes. Then Eren ran away.

“This is just a yikes moment, I don’t know...” Jean averted his eyes and scratched the back of his head.

“Wow, he really is as bitch-made as you say,” said a Garrison soldier, slightly surprised.

“Yep,” confirmed Hannes.

“That’s not nice,” frowned Historia.

“Oh, right. You just got here,” Levi realized. “This version of Jӓger is a mega-bitch, no joke. He keeps going on about leaking spinal fluid.”

Later the cadets were seen on the top of wall Rose servicing the cannons. 

“Dude I don’t know. Sasha is some crazy shit, man,” said Connie. “Did I tell you she once blew me for a potato?”

Sasha and Connie flushed. 

“I’m not a fucking prostitute!” Sasha sputtered indignantly. 

“A potato though. Not like a full meal or anything else?” asked Levi, because even his mother got at least that much. 

“Yeah, give her some credit,” Jean agreed. 

Eren’s eyes widened, “no way!”

“Yeah man,” Connie turned to face Eren. “It wasn’t even cooked!”

Then Sasha walked over to the group who all greeted her. “Hi, Sasha. How are you?”

“You guys will not believe what I did for this meat,” Sasha took out a log of meat that was hidden by her jacket.

“See? That’s what I call a fair deal,” Levi said, not that he approved of 15-year-olds getting involved in such business though. 

“Was that even cooked?” Jean turned to Sasha. She stared at him but slowly shook her head. “Sasha! Think of all the raw meat juice you got all over your clothes! Those stains are nearly as bad as blood stains to get out.”

“Hey, don’t disrespect my meat,” said Sasha.

“That’s what she said,” coughed Connie.

Everyone was horrified. 

“No Sasha, don’t tell us.”

“Sterilize her; she’s infected!”

“Levi, put it away,” Hange sighed. Levi had grabbed every cleaning product, mop, broom, dust rag and bucket he could find and stood by his couch. He looked at them with a frown before grumbling and limping over to put everything away.

Sasha ignored them, “I had to bend my body in ways I didn’t think possible to get this thick, juicy sausage.” Sasha blushed and drooled at the thought of eating it. 

Everyone else on the other hand thought it was cum on the corner of her mouth.

“We’ve got to murder her.”

“Sasha stop!”

“Purge the sin!”

“It’s just drool,” Sasha clarified almost too quickly. 

“Mhm,” Connie hummed, still not convinced.

Sasha opened a crate and hid the meat, “what guys? I snuck into the kitchen window and stole it.”

“See! Y’all didn’t believe me, huh,” she fell back to her accent.

“Oh, well that’s not too bad,” one of the cadets said with relief. “Can we have some?”

“Sure,” the food addict promised.

“I’m even sharing too!” Sasha pointed out. 

“Sorry Sasha. If it makes you feel any better I’ll get you some steak when we get back home,” Connie suggested. She nodded with newfound enthusiasm at the mention of such a rare delicacy.

Eren thought to himself as he looked down at Trost, ‘look at me, I’m finally a man.’

“Haha, nope. You’re still a brat, even now,” scoffed Levi. Mikasa gave him another menacing look and smirked inwardly at the sight of his injury. 

‘Screw Mikasa, Hannes,’ he paused, ‘and Armin too, just cause.’

Armin just sighed, not even surprised.

“Moment of silence for Armin?” asked Historia. After a minute Mikasa smacked Eren upside the head for something his counterpart said. Since that was the closest thing.

“Nah, it’s fine,” he turned to Eren. “Screw me then, you coward.”

Eren blinked. “I uhhhh. Really? Maybe later I guess.” 

“Wait all we had to do was ask?” said Connie.

“I mean I...I trust you all,” Eren buried his face in his knee and the elbow that was resting on said knee to hide his reddening face.

‘I’m the protector of this city,’ continued Eren. “Its watchful guardian. The dark--” A crack of lightning interrupted him from his thoughts.

“Oh shit,” Levi knew Eren was there when Bertholdt kicked Trost’s gate but he was literally right behind Eren, staring right at his back.

The colossal titan started singing a jazz scat as the cadets looked at him in fear and shock, knowing what was next.

‘Ahm, nope!’ Eren thought as steam knocked the cadets off the wall and the gate was kicked in. Various cadets screamed but Connie ranted in spanish. Many grappled onto the wall.

“Connie, shut the fuck up!” said a newly graduated soldier.

“Whoa. What is that language? I don’t believe I’ve heard it before,” asked Hange with excitement. 

“Spanish,” answered Armin. “I read about it in a book once, and I think I heard it in Bertholdt’s memories.”

“I’d like to know what he said,” the scientist sighed.

“I think he says something like this: ‘Fucking hell! What am I doing here?! Mom told me not to become a soldier but NO … I just had to get in this situation. Now I'm FUCKED!’”

“If Connie speaks Spanish here, would his mom’s titan also be like a Spanish gangster?” asked Jean.

“Probably,” said Armin. Historia giggled, slowly accepting the horrifically epic mess that world was.

Samuel fell toward the ground, blood dripping from his body.

“Samuel, I’ll catch you!” said Sasha, running down the wall and shooting a grapple into his leg and into the wall to catch them both.

“Ah, holy fuck!” he screamed. “You just harpooned my leg like a beluga whale. Jesus CHRIST captain A-hat!”

“Oof, felt that,” said Eren. 

“Eh, you probably had it worse. Your leg was bitten off,” Armin shrugged.

“True.”

Everyone stared at the two.

“One of you brats gonna elaborate on that?” Levi felt a surge of something strong. Almost like he needed to protect- He shook his head internally then groaned at his growing softness.

“Wait for it,” Armin promised.

“Samuel! I’m so sorry,” Sasha apologized. 

“Call me Ishmael!” ‘Ishmael’ shouted back at her.

Eren brought them back to the situation, “everyone shut up! The colossal titan is here!’ He got out his blades. “We can’t let him escape.” 

“At least one of us had our priorities straight,” Eren muttered.

“Hey, not everyone is as excited as you to get up close and personal to a titan...Except for the Commander,” said Jean.

“This is literally the opposite of what I wanted,” Mikasa said through her scarf.

“If you recall, you said in the Survey Corps. Technically you never said anything about protecting Eren at Trost at that point,” reasoned Armin.

“Fuck your logic, Armin.”

“But sis, I don’t like my logic that way. It’s like my weird second cousin.” Armin stuck his tongue out for emphasis.

‘Shit. This is my chance. I can’t fail now,’ Eren swooped past the cadets to the top of the wall then glared directly into the titan’s eyes. “Hello you giant douchebag.”

The colossal titan started back in disbelief, “bitch, n****, you best not be talking to me.”

“I’ve been waiting for this,” declared Eren.

“N****, I’m finna go Tarzan on your ass.”

Then the episode ended.

“Fuck that guy,” said Connie. He stood up and stretched, leaning side to side to stretch out his sides. 

Everyone followed suit, stretching after sitting for nearly half an hour while making fun of the parody universe. One could even say parody-ception. 

“This is a welcome change of pace from my typical work,” said Historia.

“I bet. All that political stuff always goes over my head. I don’t know how you do it, ” Sasha shook her head.  

“All of those so-called big shots are incompetent pieces of shit so that doesn’t help,” Levi scrunched his nose just thinking about those pigs. Sure the government had changed since the puppet king was overthrown, but everything up to this point was a mess of reorganization and trying to create a new system that wasn’t the same as the previous one. 

“Well, let's call it a day for now and have some lunch. I think I smell meat coming from the hall,” Sasha was already at the doorway, drooling at the delicious scent.

Notes:

That time when I said I would update every two weeks but now I'm doing every week. I hope I can maintain this...haha. But characters are being added! Just wanna remind you all that I am taking suggestions for a dead character to bring into the shenanigans!

Chapters written: 8 and a half out of 19

Chapter 5: Episode 5: Genocide & Juice

Summary:

In which Eren sucks at killing titans, everyone hates Waldo, and Armin aspires to grow facial hair.

Notes:

I feel this seating arrangement is important info for the next chunk of this fic:
Left to right facing the TV: Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Sasha, Connie, Jean, Historia, Levi and Hange.

This will change in chapter 10 and possibly in future chapters but for now, keep this in mind!

TW for nazis at the end (but honestly, you all probably already know that if you watch the series!)

Now that the gang was properly fed and watered, they sat back down in their respective seats.

“Sasha, are you seriously still hungry?!” Jean watched as she grabbed a bowl of berries and shoved a handful in her mouth. 

“...nooooo,” she said with her full mouth.

“Whatever, it’s starting!” Hange curled and squealed in excitement.

The opening theme played then returned to the Trost incident. Eren ran along the top of the wall toward the colossal titan.

“N**** you look like a biscuit. Imma ‘bout to beat the pillow case out yo weak ass!” the titan wiped his arm across the top of the wall, destroying the cannons.

Eren jumped just before the large skinless arm connected with the wall and used his gear to get around to the side.

“This shit looks like Legoland. LET MY IMAGINATION GROW!” The cannons were demolished.

“Damnit, not again,” Levi face-palmed. 

“Where's Legoland?” asked Hange. Armin grunted an ‘I don’t know’.

“SMOKESCREEN N****!” the titan went to grab Eren but the boy quickly swung out of reach. “Did you just stick a harpoon in me or was it the wind?! N**** you ain’t Indiana Jones!”

“Does anyone understand what the titans are referencing?” asked Jean. “Armin, no? Okay...”

“Jӓger’s on the ball though,” said Levi, “even though we all know that colossal jackass won’t be killed that easily...”

“Look at this boy tryin’ ‘ta be like Lara Croft,” the colossal titan said as Eren moved in to slash the nape. 

The titan emitted a cloud of steam, “YOU THAT’S RIGHT MUTHAFUCKA.”

Eren struggled to hold on as the steam jetted against him, “oh my god. The smell...it’s so...pungent!”

“I’M HIGH AS FUCK RIGHT NOW!”

“I bet it’s weed,” Armin took out a couple coins. 

“Nah, it’s probably just titan farts,” Connie took out coins of his own.

“Connie, titans don’t have asses, remember?” Jean raised an eyebrow at Connie’s clear logical fallacy.

“Bertholdt probably just did shrooms again and is talking about how tall he is,” Hange said, reviewing their half-full notebook. “Poor Eren though. He looks like he’s suffocating.”

“If Eren was suffocating, what does that make my situation?” asked Armin. “He's over there like it’s a jet-sauna and what did I get? A literal, bone-deep rotisserie.”

“...would it be wrong to say that kind of...in theory...sounds a little appetizing?” asked Sasha.

“...Sasha, what the fuck?” Armin wasn't even sure how to respond to that.

“Sorry!”

Eren scrunched up his face, “can’t...hold breath...much longer...”

“DADADADADA,” Bert ignored Eren. “IT’S THAT MUTHERFUCKING COLOSSAL N****”

“Bertholdt is just vibing there without a care in the world. How rude,” said Sasha.

“Honestly,” Historia agreed.

“GRRAAAAAAHH!” cried Eren as he sliced into nothing.

From afar the titan yelled, fading away, “Houdini n****...” Eren grappled to the outside of the wall, adrenaline slowly fading as he looked at the hole in the gate.

“That seems like bullshit,” said Levi. “No titan has ever evaporated that instantaneously.” He soon realized his mistake.

“Wow, I was thinking the exact same thing! Armin, do you think you could do that?” asked Hange.

Armin put his fist by his mouth in thought, “not currently, but that doesn’t make sense. Even when he was trying to blow me away with high pressure steam, he lasted quite a while.”

“Eren didn’t even look burned. If Bertholdt did one large evaporation, Eren would at least have some burns or be emitting steam himself because of their quick damage and healing rates, right?”

“But wait,” Armin sat up, “he's a shifter. So that probably doesn't have any effect because we already experience those high temperatures when we shift.” He nearly face-palmed at their line of thought.

Hange giggled then nodded in response.

Eren was back on top of the wall. Connie looked over at the forcefully opened gate as Thomas looked to Eren.

“You missed?!” Connie couldn’t believe it. “You missed?! What the hell Eren?! You had a target 10 meters wide and you MISSED IT?!”

“I got the bastard in the end though,” Eren shrugged. “People may have died and it was all my fault, but now we aren’t as ignorant as the cattle we used to be.” ‘Even though they were still treated as such’, Eren gripped his knee until it bruised. They’d fade in seconds anyhow.

“It’s not like that Connie you diminutive FUCK!” Eren was still wide-eyed. The titan had just...vanished from thin air.

“You’re a giant whirling tornado of failure,” Connie said.

“Mikasa no!! Don’t kill me PLEASE!” Connie vaulted over the couch and hid behind it. Mikasa was annoyed, yes, but she wasn’t going to get upset over every little thing...At least not this time.

“Oh yeah? What’s it like walking around on those short stubby legs?” Eren retorted. “Man...even humans must look like titans to you.”

Levi stared at Eren intensely. Eren looked back and shrugged. 

“Tch,” Levi turned away.

A Garrison soldier landed on the wall, shouting, “EREN! YOU ARE THE FAILURE! NOW GO BACK TO HQ. You reek of bacon...and disappointment” The three recent graduates saluted though Eren was still a bit out of it.

“Yes Sir!” responded Connie and Eren.

The bell rang for the evacuation. Civilians ranted and rambled on and on as they ran to the inner gate. 

A little girl drops her doll amidst the chaos. “No! My only friend!”

“Relatable,” said Levi.

“Levi, we talked about this,” Hange sighed.

“Women and children through first,” instructed a garrison soldier.

“I’m pregnant! I promise you I’m pregnant,” a male civilian tried to force his way through.

“Nice try...unless you’re like that then I’m sorry,” Levi wasn’t ignorant of such gender matters. The only place he could get a decent cleaner back in the underground was owned by a nice old lady by the name of Tim (as the name was all she had left of her parents). Hell, Hange too.

The soldiers barricaded the gate with netting on both sides with a double trench on the inner side. Titans talked nonsense over each other.

“I CAN’T WAIT ‘TA GETCHA!” A fat 15M shouted. 

The garrison readied cannons. “Oi, Robbie, does it look on target?” one asked.

Robbie shrugged. The first soldier declared it was good enough and ordered him to fire.

As various oncoming titans were hit the Garrison jumped into battle, “That’s our cue! CHARGE!!!”

“Hey look,” said Connie. “They’re doing their job for once.” 

“That’s kinda mean. Remember how the MPs were?” asked Armin.

“Oh god, you’re right,” Connie shuddered at the thought.

Back in Trost, a soldier was selling insurance. “Last call for Life Insurance! Last call! Super sale! One day only! Last call!”

Everyone laughed at that, even Levi. 

“Remember Hannah, free love overcomes all,” Franz put his hands on the ginger’s shoulders. “I’ll give the titans hugs while you bare your freckles breasts.”

“First of all, gross and second of all, I hope you get eaten first,” Levi stood by his ‘time and place’ rule. He didn’t care overall about soldier relations but they could at least be private about it.

“Hey Historia, can you pass the salt?” asked Sasha.

Historia grabbed Levi by his armpits and tossed him over. Sasha looked at the disgruntled Captain on her lap. 

“Too much sodium?” asked Historia.

“N-no no no. Really, I want some salt.”

Historia rolled her eyes and passed the shaker to the other girl who sprinkled a bit on her mashed potatoes. Levi raised an eyebrow at the ceiling, then went back to his seat.

“Between that and our rendition of Hey Jude, they’ll have no choice but to join our drum circle,” Franz reassured his more-than-friend.

Hannah praised, “you’re a tactical genius...”

“There’s no way this could go wrong.”

“Hah. Haha, noooo,” Armin laughed sarcastically.

Mikasa glanced at the two hippies before continuing off toward to get supplies. She stopped and turned when she heard Eren’s voice.

“Armin, what’s wrong?!”

Armin fumbled with his gas canisters. “I’ve been huffing this gas for hours, but I can’t stop the voices!” 

“What do they tell you, Armin?” asked Historia.

Armin stared directly into her eyes, “to kill you all.”

Jean bursted with laughter. “I’m sorry. I can’t take that seriously.”

Mikasa walked over to the two boys as Eren tried to console the blonde, “Armin, what’s the tactical situation?”

“Eren, you don’t get it, I’m trippin’ SACK right now man,” Armin explained.

“Armin! I need the tactical situation!”

“I’M FUCKING CABBAGE MAN! Something about a...giant hole in a wall and they plan to patch it with a boulder but we haven’t dug it up yet and the titans are coming and WE’RE ALL FUCKED!!!!”

“I guess we’re scrapping the drug enhancement idea,” said Hange as they scribbled out a line from their notebook.

“That last thought seems a little out of order though,” said Jean. “Didn’t you make that plan after Captain Wӧrman tried to kill you?”

“I mean, yeah but the voices in Armin’s head tell all,” the blonde said about himself in the third-person.

“Eren, seriously though I’m like getting Tron-ed right now,” Armin mumbled.

“Rip Armin,” said Sasha.

Jean corrected her, “rip most of us.”

Back at the gate the garrison continued their attempted assault.

“Damnit,” a soldier cursed. “I KNEW we shouldn’t have let blind Robbie line up the signals!”

A titan that got blasted looked up with its deformed face, “KEEP RUNNIN’ I’M COMING.”

Soldiers began screaming in terror as they saw their comrades die and get eaten.

“What is up? I’m STARVING,” a titan yelled in the background.

“I guess they’re just letting anybody in the military,” scoffed Levi. “A blind guy giving out the signals though? Fucking idiots.”

At the base Eren coached Armin on the proper drug mixing recipes “Armin! You forgot to mix the nitrous oxide with ether in a 1:1 proportion. THAT’S why you’re rolling ass!”

“See. I’m smart,” said Eren.

“You sure dude? The fact you had to confirm it...” Connie snickered, climbing back into his seat.

“Y’all just wish you could start a crystal meth lab. Armin, I had more faith in you though. With all those books you read, I would have hoped you’d remember something like that,” Eren said to the man to his left.

“The voices distracted me I guess, sorry,” Armin joked.

“Now mix it right and HUFF goddamnit. I need you at your best!” Eren encouraged.

“Of course...” said Armin. “I forgot...I’ll get on it!”

“Good man!”

“Mikasa, you look so disturbed,” Historia said.

The aforementioned woman offered a sad smile. “Armin was pretty anxious and I wasn’t quite sure how to help. I was more disturbed with myself to be honest. I was a bystander even though they’re my closest friends. How pathetic.”

 “Hey,” Eren wrapped the falling part of the scarf back on her neck. “I’m the only one allowed to self-harm...besides Armin, I guess.” Mikasa’s expression shifted to annoyed as she smacked Eren on the head.

The scene shifted to inside wall Sina at the castle of a noble. The scenery was a stark contrast from the horrific destruction at Trost. Fields of flowers covered the meadows next to a clear-water moat.

“And I believe that is check, good sir,” said the noble.

Pixis congratulated the obese man, “ah, an excellent gambit...you FAT BASTARD.”

Levi pointed to the screen. “He probably clogs the latrine every time he uses it with the sheer amount of food mass turning into shit.”

The fat bastard laughed with a muffled quality only fat bastards could achieve, before humming and slurping his wine.

Pixis put a hand on his head with a raised eyebrow, “you look like a cross between Jabba the Hutt and a court jester.”

A picture of a deformed, blob-like creature materialized on the coffee table with a drawing of an average human next to it. 

“It looks like green, baby shit,” deadpanned Levi.

The noble laughed again. “I’m not fat! I’m big boned.” He proceeded to grab six cookies and shove them happily into his mouth. “Mmm...oh...saturated fats...yummy.”

‘It’s hard to imagine the underground is right underneath...that,’ Levi remembered the place he grew up in. 

“This is the only time I’ll say it, but Kenny supremacy. Fuck the interior,” said Historia. 

Levi nodded, “just this once.”

“Yes,” said Pixis as Wald kept shoving his face. “Yes. Keep telling yourself that.”

“My blood type is ragout,” Wald said to Pixis with crumbs all over his face. “Extra chunky. Munch-able delights!!!”

“YES...YES,” the commander chanted. “Keep feeding out of your trough...Pixis likes.”

The fat bastard continued to eat the sugary delights, “mmm...thank the walls...for poverty...and feudalism”

Levi limped over to the punching bags and blasted another ten away on top of Mikasa’s other eleven. Then limped back, only feeling marginally better.

A garrison soldier ran in with urgent news, “General! News from Trost, sir! The titans have broken through!”

Wald dropped his fancy wine glass which shattered at the impact. “NOOOO!!! MY GOBLET!!!!”

“I’ll take that!” Pixis grabbed the rest of the expensive wine and chugged it straight out from the bottle. He sighed after it was gone, “god, that’s good wine…Almost good enough to make me forget that I can still feel the moisture of your sweaty fat palms on this bottle.”

“Pixis needs to learn moderation, damn,” Hange looked impressed at the sheer amount the garrison commander just ingested.

“Moisturous love...” commented the noble.

Pixis began to walk away, “love for animal grease, I’m sure.” He walked past the two soldiers by the door and ordered, “come.” They both nodded.

“PIXIS,” the obese man ran after the commander, who was only walking. “WAIT,” he huffed.

‘I’m literally walking at my slowest pace and he still can’t keep up,’ Pixis thought as he pocketed his flask.

“PIXIS,” Wald finally caught up with him. “...my heart...”

Pixis turned to him, “Lord Waldo, please stop. You’ll exert yourself and worse...ooze more sin and disease out of your every bodily orifice.”

“Not bad,” Levi said in approval.

“What a burn,” Armin agreed.

“But Pixis, why go to the city? That’s where the groundlings are… Stay here where it is safe. And if the titans come, you can all just take refuge in the safety of my blubber. I’ll protect and insulate you like some giant maternal diabetes riddled tauntaun.”

“That’s not something to be proud of?!” Levi nearly shouted. Everything about that man made his blood scream for murder.

 “I would ask for your assistance in fighting the titans,” began Pixis.

“The titans probably don’t want the excess calories with their diet of skinny, underfed common folk,” said Jean. Sasha and Connie snorted.

“But, I can see you’re already battling the giant called heart disease. So spend this day marinated in your own grease, as you always do.”

“But please!”

“Goodbye, Lord Waldo.”

“NO PIXIS! Don’t leave!!! RBERBERBERB I-I FORBID YOU TO-EAAASDF, EEEASSGJHJULUMDUMDUM BLERBLBUBRELUR NABUUL.” 

“Is he having a fit, what the fuck?” asked Levi. 

“By god you’re a fat fuck,” concluded Pixis. “And that’s our cue to leave,” he turned around and walked away.

“Pixis?” said the Lord in disbelief. “Pixis?? PIXIIIIIIIS!!!”

“Fucking hell, that was painful to watch,” Connie slouched back, rubbing his temples. 

“Hange, out of pure, innocent curiosity, is that guy still alive?” Armin’s face was eerily blank.

They shook their head, “unfortunately Zackley already had the pleasure...”

“I know what the first thing I’m doing in the afterlife is now,” Eren put his leg down and reached over, grabbing some gummy snack packets. 

An image depicting the cannons was captioned: Cannons can only be fired facing straight forward. Attempting to aim any other direction is futile.

“Must be why that guy with the weird accent back during the fall of wall Maria failed to shoot down that pure titan,” Jean snarked. 

“Heh, yeah probably,” said Connie.

Another diagram showing the projectiles was captioned: In a pinch, anal beads can be used as a replacement for shrapnel.

“Eren?” Armin stared at the brunette who was blushing. 

Eren wrapped his arms around himself in embarrassment. “Marley has some, er, interesting innovations with regards to auto-sexual endeavors.” 

Realization flooded the room. 

“Not gonna lie, I’m a little intrigued,” Levi bit his lip while frowning.

“Oh thank god. I thought it was just me,” Connie slouched so much he was almost falling off the couch.

At the Trost base Kitz rallied the cadets, “in this military we fight using a vague understanding of physics and thigh bondage.”

“Full-body bondage, actually,” said Hange, because facts.

“I expect you to uphold these principles when you face the titans. NEWSFLASH! EVERYONE IS DEAD!!” 

Eren’s jaw fell.

“So we’re sending YOU!” Kitz continued. “Don’t forget, the armored titan showed up last time and murdered everybody even more dead! He’s due to arrive any minute now!”

Hange winced, “that was brutal.”

“Brutally honest,” said Levi.

Various cadets sweated as more truth was layered on by the garrison captain.

“And lastly...anyone who runs will be KILLED on the spot!”

“Is that? Is that Daz??” Connie straightened up in his seat to get a better viewing angle. “He’s still alive, isn’t he! Holy shit fucks.”

Kitz continued, “uphold the king’s strength and most important, when you’re out there, don’t forget...”

Everyone but Eren and Levi were practically at the edge of their seats.

“To have fun.”

“Oh god!” Armin clamped his hand over his mouth to muffle the insane-sounding giggles bubbling from his chest. 

Levi grunted as Hange elbowed his side when they grabbed their stomach from the pain of laughing so hard.

Everyone dissolved into chaotic screaming and panicking. 

“Why today?!” Jean clutched at his forehead. “I was supposed to leave tomorrow to build my empire! And here I am...without my suit vest or LUBE.” 

“Isn’t Suit Vest abusing you though?” asked Armin. “It literally told you to get wasted so it could take advantage of you.”

“Suit Vest loves me!” Jean defended in mock seriousness. 

“All that lube too,” Connie wiggled his eyebrows at Jean.

“AUGH,” Jean threw his arms in the air.

“You sure you don't need help, Jean? Remember: no means no,” Armin pointed his finger up with a smile.

Jean groaned and put his face in his palms.

Daz was busy getting violently sick as Historia comforted him.

“Oh god...Taco Bell is a bad fucking idea...” he said after being sick.

Levi winced ever so slightly and averted his eyes.

“There, there, I cast a healing spell.” the blonde rubbed his back as he regurgitated once more.

It clicked. “So this is what Shadis meant in his notes of me being a witch,” Historia snorted.

Jean frowned and continued off, running into Eren.

“Sod off Jӓger boy, I’m going to die anyway...” Jean glared at the shorter boy.

As Jean tried to walk away, Eren turned and grabbed his elbow, “no you’re not Jean. Now listen to me you bastard and listen close!” Eren shoved Jean up against a pillar. “If you die, who’ll come back to rescue Suit Vest? Think about what the titans will do to him!” Mikasa stopped and turned toward the boys.

“Suit Vest really has you wrapped around it’s buttons,” said Connie.

“Just stop,” Jean rubbed his forehead.

Jean looked at Eren in horror as he imagined Suit Vest being tortured.

“Think of where he’ll end up,” Eren continued, sparking more visions of Suit Vest being tortured. “We come from separate paths. I have a grudge against titans and you have a stick so far up your ass you might as well be a popsicle.”

Levi snorted, nearly spilling a newly poured cup of tea. 

“Wouldn’t want to spill that if I were you,” a sticky note said, appearing on the back of his hand. He looked at the position of his cup and realized it was right above his junk. Yeah, that definitely wouldn’t be fun.

Eren kept going as the scene panned around, “but we WILL overcome this threat. Together. Now go join your squad.”

“Aside from what happened there, thanks for your pep talks. You have an oddly high amount of charisma for your stupidity though,” said Armin, leaning on Eren’s side, adding a second person to the weight on Mikasa’s shoulder. She didn’t even budge.

Jean was dazed for a moment but quickly got a hold of himself and left to do his duty. 

Mikasa took the opportunity to walk over and talk to Eren. “Eren, they’re sending me out with the elite squad. I want you to fall back so I can protect you.”

“We Ackermans are just built different,” said Mikasa.

“THE ELITE SQUAD?!” shouted Eren.

“Yes, Eren. She literally said that,” said Historia with heavy sarcasm.

“HA!” he laughed in her face. “You’re good but you’re not THAT good Mikasa!”

Ian spotted Mikasa and said, “Mikasa, we’re sending you out with the elite squad.”

“Oh, to be wrong. Couldn’t be me,” said Levi. Mikasa contemplated whether or not she should care but decided, whatever.

“WHAT?” Eren was fuming.

“Heart been broke so many times I don’t know what to believe,” Eren sang purposefully horribly off key. 

Mikasa stepped forward toward the garrison soldier. “But sir, I don’t think I’m skilled enough-”

Eren blocked her path, “HEADBUTT!”

“OW!!!!” she brought her hands to her forehead. “What the FUCK Eren?!”

Eren glared right into her eyes, “remember out first training Mikasa? Sarge said you don’t have TIME to think!”

“Yeah. In reference to the freaks behind wall Sina,” Jean rolled his eyes and brought his hand to his own forehead, remembering his first day as a cadet.

“Eren, what if you had given Mikasa a concussion though,” said Historia. “Not a very smart way to inspire her when you think about it.”

Mikasa shifted her weight to the armrest, “I’d be more concerned for Eren’s skull if you ask me.”

“You’re finally getting into it!” Armin congratulated her on finding her inner sass. He had long since resigned himself to being a dark lord.

Mikasa’s jaw fell as Eren’s words resonated with her, “and right now, humanity needs us. ALL OF US!”

The raven haired girl looked down with shame.

“Even if they did put you on the super awesome squad! So pull yourself TOGETHER GODDAMNIT!!!” Eren finished.

Connie laughed, “you’re so hung up on the whole squad thing!”

“You’re right. I was being selfish,” Mikasa agreed.

“Hush child, you’re doing perfectly,” Hange stuck their arm out with the palm down.

“Eren just please,” Mikasa paused. “Promise me you wont die.”

Ian scoffed, “not on THAT assignment.” The two friends ignored him.

“I WON’T!” Eren declared.

Ian snickered, “cannon fodder.”

“And sure enough you did become fodder in a way,” Armin nodded in Eren’s direction.

“I like how those two are completely ignoring that guy though,” said Connie. 

“I have to leave,” Mikasa grabbed Eren’s sleeve. “This is it. Eren,” she looked back up at the boy. “KISS ME!”

Mikasa flushed instantly and wrapped her arms around her head at the sudden declaration. A pitiful whine emanated from her curled up form.

“That’s gay Mikasa,” stated Eren.

The two stared at each other for a few moments. 

“It’s,” Mikasa struggled to justify her sudden request. “It’s for luck!”

“She tried to save herself but slipped into the shitpile instead,” said Levi.

“...That was terrible, even for you short-stack,” said Hange.

“That’s gay,” Eren responded, crushing the girl.

“Called it,” Eren said.

Eren pulled his sleeve out of her grasp and left the poor horny girl to regroup with the other graduates. Mikasa stood there, her hair casting a shadow over her eyes.

As Eren walked away he complained in his thoughts, ‘DAMNIT MIKASA! I’M SO FUCKING JEALOUS! WHY CAN’T I BE ON THE SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME SQUAD?! AARSSJGDSFFSH THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!!’

“My god dude. That’s cold,” said Jean. “I can’t believe-” he thought for a moment. “Nope, I totally saw this coming. Rip Mikasa’s feelings.”

She was finally calming down but pulled her scarf up over her nose just in case.

“Man just cockblocked himself. Who does that?!” Jean shook his head.

Eren didn’t say anything. He was planning to do that again anyhow. 

The 104th was dispersing squads on the scene.

“Hey Armin!” called out Eren. “Your eyes aren’t dilated anymore!”

“Yeah. I’m feeling a lot better, thanks!” said Armin, turning to Eren.

“See Armin. You just gotta mix it right,” said Eren.

Armin chuckled, “the voices got me all mixed up, sorry.”

Eren smiled at Armin, “well, we’re finally here! Ready to take on the titans. Any regrets?”

Armin frowned, “no. It was either this or med school.”

“You never told me you wanted to be a doctor. What were you gonna specialize in?”

Armin’s frown turned upward, “abortion.”

“Isn’t that illegal?” asked Hange. 

Historia shook her head, “fuck the patriarchy.”

“And this is why Historia’s a queen both literally and figuratively,” Sasha simped.

Mina interrupted the moment. “Hey lazies! Just so we’re clear, it’s a game to catch the most titans!”

Thomas chimed in, “yeah! Turning certain death into points motivates me!”

“At least he knows what to expect,” said Levi.

“Wasn’t Thomas the first to die?” asked Armin.

“Oh yeah. I almost forgot about that part,” Eren squinted off into the distance with his hand rubbing his chin. Then he shrugged.

Another soldier called out, “next to die! You’re up!”

Eren turned to his squad, “come on! Let’s kick some ass!” The rest of them cheered as they leapt to the task.

The 7 from the 104th were foolish to think they would be anything but fodder. They were untrained children for god’s sake! Yet they still believed. They had hope. But in the end it didn’t even matter.

“Time to murder titans! Yeah!” Eren Jumped off the roof.

“And then he got eaten,” said Armin.

 Hange did a double take. 

“Just wait. It’s coming,” said Eren.

The ignorant children started making goals of how many titans they were going to kill.

A blonde abnormal leapt into the air and caught Thomas in its mouth, crashing it’s face into a tower.

Everyone stopped and looked over toward the crash. The titan leaned off to the side, revealing Thomas halfway in it’s mouth.

“Guys,” Thomas looked to his friends. “Hey guys,” he strained, “I found one.” Eren’s squad gasped loudly.

“Does this mean I win?” the boy asked. Then he was swallowed.

“Big oof,” said Eren.

Everyone stared at him for his offhanded comment. 

“Yes,” Eren rasped. “Yes, you win Thomas. You win all the points.”

The rest of the squad stared in horror.

“And may a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest,” Eren concluded his prayer for the dead boy. “AND NOW KILL ALL TITANS!!!”

“You couldn’t have been this decisive when we took you in, brat?” asked Levi, arms crossed.

“Eren?” asked Mikasa. Levi looked toward the far couch and saw Eren asleep with his head on Mikasa’s lap. Armin just noticed the boy’s even breathing since it was pretty normal for them to sleep in a pile. 

“Eren, you have to watch us all die,” Armin said in a sing-songy voice. 

Eren shifted, pouting, “but I don’t want you guys to die.” 

“Aw!” Historia squealed. 

Mikasa shook him gently just like Carla used to. “You have to get up. You wouldn’t want to make the entity upset with us would you?”

Eren huffed and turned to hug Mikasa’s waist, “I’ll protect everyone. You’re all very important to me.” Then he realized where he was and snapped upright in his seat. He looked at his lap and  flushed with a frown, the redness accentuating his cheekbones. His lips wobbled as a traitorous tear rolled down his cheek. He immediately wiped it, covering his mouth as he silently sobbed. 

“Fuck,” his voice shook, barely choking out the word as his emotions broke free. Eren stood up and left for the bathroom.

Everyone was stunned. Eren had been acting weird ever since he acquired the previous attack titan holders’ memories so seeing something so familiar felt...wrong. 

Eren returned with a steaming mug of coffee, chugging the delightful bean-water before sitting back down as if nothing happened. No one had the heart to question it.

Eren used his gear to swing toward the titans. “KILL ALL TITANS!!!” he chanted as he got closer and closer. His squad snapped out of their stupor and began to follow him.

“KILL ALL-” the brunette whirled in the air but a titan jumped at him.

“Gotcha bitch!” it bit Eren’s leg off. Eren screamed as he violently crashed and spun into the rooftops, shingles scraping off from the force, cutting into his forehead.

The middle couch trio and Historia winced.

As another squad member got caught, Mina watched and screamed, not aware of the titan that grabbed her anchored wire. She was pulled and slammed into a nearby brick wall.

“You look like a ham sandwich,” a titan said with a screaming soldier in hand. Armin watched the carnage with wide overshadowed eyes.

“Eren! Does it hurt?” the coconut boy asked.

“That was a stupid question,” Armin snorted.

Eren didn’t answer.

Armin stared at the scene around him, “what is this feeling?” Careless Whisper started playing. “Watching murder happen before my very eyes. Watching...people get devoured, it's...”

“Hey. I DID say I wanted to see death,” Armin pointed out to the people who gave him weary expressions.

The scene panned back to Armin’s face as a titan’s footsteps shook the ground.

Armin looked to his left to see a balding, bearded titan. “Oh no. Old people.”

“That is a pretty distinct-looking titan!” Hange wrote more notes, the notebook about 60% full.

Armin was lifted over the titan’s mouth by his jacket. 

“Impotence strikes again. Apathy is my soul. Goodbye, cruel world!” The light returned to his eyes as the titan let go, dropping Armin into its mouth. “Nyo, nyoooo!! aaaaAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

Connie jerked violently to his feet. “Holy shit Armin! How are you still here?!”

“Give it a minute,” the blonde man promised. Levi shuddered at the sight of all that saliva Armin slid on, his skin crawling from the phantom feeling of slime on his own skin. It wasn’t unusual for the water in the Underground to be slightly dense from bad filtration systems but that was just gross.

Eren lay on the roof bleeding, shifting between consciousness, hearing various voices from his memories.

Hannes: ‘Damn Eren you got fucked up!’

Carla: ‘You’re a lazy little shit!’

Shadis: ‘You effusive cock sprout!’

Reiner: ‘Powndtown.’

Hannes: ‘Eren, your mom was a massive whore back in the day.’

“Looks like Eren huffed the wrong stuff like I did,” Armin frowned and shook his head.

“Come on, we had faith in you,” said Historia.

Eren shrugged, “oops. Must have grabbed some of that faulty stuff Armin cooked up.”

“Oh right. That stuff’ll get you pretty fucked up,” Armin agreed.

“And this is the Survey Corps everyone,” Levi announced, looking at the metaphorical crowd behind the couch.

Eren fell into a flashback to when he and Armin were little kids.

“Eren!” Armin shouted. He ran with a book in his arms to the seated boy. “Eren!”

“What is it Armin?” asked Eren, looking up at his friend.

“I found this really awesome book!”

“Look at how cute you two are!” Sasha pointed to the children on the screen.

“Wait. Look at Eren’s outfit over there and then over here. Notice anything?” Jean asked. Everyone looked at the two, not sure what the problem was, but after closer inspection…

“Wow Eren. Your fashion sense clearly hasn’t changed,” said Connie. “It almost looks like you only own that one outfit!”

“Do the clothes grow with you or do you just have 10 of the same thing?” Jean snorted.

Eren rolled his eyes and chugged another mug of coffee. ‘Hooray for high tolerance to drugs and shit from titan powers,’ he thought.

Armin explained, “it’s a story about one man’s personal journey and redemption,” Armin bent over to get down to Eren’s level, “set against the backdrop of a struggle to save his country!”

Eren shifted forward in his spot, “oh that sounds pretty cool! What was it called?”

Armin’s tone went dark, “Mein Kampf.”

“What does that mean?” asked Hange.

“It translates to: my struggle,” explained Eren. “The author was a horrible person and is basically like how Marley is to us but worse.”

“...fffffuuuuuuuuuck,” Armin said after a bit. “This got super offensive VERY quickly...”

Eren looked at the pages with armin by the canal, “never heard of it!”

“It’s so awesome!” exclaimed Armin. 

“I think that’s actually one of my illegal books about the outside world,” Armin looked up in thought.

“Here! Look at these pictures of all the lands he annexed!” pointed Armin. “Look! Lands of flaming water, frozen earth, plains of sand.” Armin looked up hopefully at his best friend, “the outside world must be many times bigger than the world inside the walls!”

“Why can’t the world go back to that. Us against the titans. Fuck this ‘us against the world’ crap. Like fuck, it’s been so difficult trying to get ourselves up to speed and formulate a plan that won’t end up being shit,” Levi glared holes into the coffee table. 

“The outside world...” Eren said. “That is so cool! This is the best atlas ever!” 

“Hey Eren,” Armin began, causing Eren to look up at the boy. “Wouldn’t it be great if one day, we could go outside and explore the world too?”

Levi’s mind flashed to that time when he eavesdropped on the trio. He clicked his tongue. How sentimental.

The scene zoomed uncomfortably close to Armin’s face, “and conquer it?” Eren looked to the other boy with his mouth hanging open.

Eren mentally laughed awkwardly, ‘that’s disturbingly close to the plan...’

Back in the present, Eren gets up with the light back in his eyes. 

Armin continued to slide down and scream fearfully, but Eren grabbed his arm at the last second, sticking a blade in the titan’s upper jaw to maintain his position.

“C’MON ARMIN!!!” gritted out Eren, pulling on the screaming boy.

“Salivation,” Armin whimpered.

“C’mon!” Eren continued struggling until he threw the boy out with a growl, launching Armin so hard he broke off the shingles of the roof he landed on.

“That’s what I felt on your uniform?” said Connie, remembering how he shook the blonde to snap him out of his shell-shocked state. “Titan spit? Ugh!” He shivered.

“Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the fact that Eren got his leg chopped off and STILL had the power to not only jump into the titan’s mouth, but also throw Armin to safety. Like, holy shit! This is exactly why we call you a suicidal maniac,” Sasha said, gesturing wildly. 

“You can jump into a titan’s mouth no problem, but you can’t kill them in human form? Your kill count in that form is literally one!” said Jean.

“Lemme ask you this then Jeanny-boy: Could you have saved Armin, our purest coconut boi?” asked Eren.

Jean didn’t say anything.

“You aren’t healing though,” Hange pointed out. “Wouldn’t a large injury like that affect your ability to transform?”

“The mechanics of titan shifters don’t make that much sense to begin with so yeah. I don’t know,” shrugged Eren.

Eren kept the titan’s maw open with brute upper body strength.

“You’re so close!” Historia couldn’t tear her eyes away from the tension.

“Armin,” said Eren. “Look into my bloody eyes. (Armin: ‘Eren’) If you do see the world outside these walls (‘Eren’),” the bloody boy reached out his hand to Armin, “the world promised by your geography book? (‘stop talking”) I hope you see it Armin (‘you’re in a mouth!’) because I can’t. There’s too much blood in my eyes.” 

“I’m just keeping it real, guys,” said Armin as the middle couch trio laughed. “Eren is the true bestest best friend though. Y’all would’ve just left me to die.”

“Well yeah. Most of us have more rationality than him,” said Levi. “No sane person would willingly jump INTO a fucking titan’s mouth.”

Eren looked the boy in the eyes, “but one day Armin! I believe you will follow (Armin: ‘Eren’) the footsteps of the explorer who wrote that book (‘that book’s bad Eren’).”

“Well no shit Sherlock,” said Levi.

“YOU WILL BE THE WORLD’S NEXT ADOLF HITLER: CARTOGRAPHER EXTRAORDINAIRE!!!” shouted Eren.

Eren was outwardly blank but in truth he was thinking, ‘I’m boutta commit mass genocide too, so in reality. I was the next Hitler.’

Armin teared up but got a hold of himself, “but Eren, I can’t grow facial hair!!!”

“It’s ok Armin. You’re still hot,” reassured Mikasa. Eren hummed in agreement with a nod.

Armin crawled across the roof and tried to grab Eren’s hand, but before he could, the titan shut it’s jaw, severing Eren’s left arm.

“Oh,” Levi blinked several times at the familiar sight of a comrade getting eaten. Armin put a comforting hand on Mikasa who started to tear up. She wasn’t there when Eren got eaten but it was like Carla all over again. Blood spattered everywhere, spraying through the air like rain. The middle couch and Historia kept looking back at Eren then at the screen. 

Hange kept a plain expression for the sake of the atmosphere. They were also however nose-deep in their notebook, 70% of it full. At this rate they’d need two more at least!

As tears streamed down his face, Armin screamed in horror, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

The scene changed to Mikasa with the Elite squad, Armin’s screaming still heard in the distance. The girl stopped walking on the rooftop and turned toward the familiar voice in realization. 

“noooooooo! nooooooohooooooo! blame the JEWS!!!!” screamed Armin with a hiccup, still far off in the distance.

Then the ending theme played.

“All I gotta say is,” Eren said, causing everyone to look at him, “I lived, bitch.”

 Armin giggled, “fuck yeah you did.” He smiled with drooping eyes.

Mikasa wiped her eyes with her handkerchief. The other young’uns felt a bit lighter at Eren’s comment but Levi was still in a mood. His fist shook from how hard he clenched. 

It was different on the battlefield. Survival is the first priority of course, but when you are bearing witness to the deaths of those you care for? When you are safe and away from any harm? How utterly useless was he? 

Hange put a hand next to his, pinkies touching. They gave him a soft smile. He exhaled and loosened up, ‘thank god for their sixth sense.’

Levi stood up, testing his ability to put weight before taking a small step. ‘No pain with the splint. Huh.’ He made his way over to the front of the room. 

“I’m only going to say this once, OK brat?” When everyone nodded, the short man continued. “I am giving everyone a group hug and yes, including me, for ten minutes max. You are all allowed to cry as loud as you’d like but immediately afterwards, everyone is cleaning the snot off their faces. Do I make myself clear?” They nodded with newfound emotional vigor. “CAREFULLY come here then,” he opened his arms and braced himself for the impact of eight people’s weight on his own. Ackerman strength be damned, this was a bit much for someone of his stature. The hug nearly turned into a dogpile when Hange glomped on everyone, but thankfully Mikasa and Levi kept their ground.

True to his word, Levi broke it up after ten minutes and everyone was sent to the bathroom to wash their faces. 

“...thanks Captain,” Mikasa covered her face with her scarf as she passed by him.

Levi didn’t say anything at first but he caught her sleeve and whispered something Mikasa strained to hear.

“You’re welcome...cousin.”

Notes:

I realize that Levi and Mikasa are probably at best 5th cousins twice removed, but this fic is about coping and we could all use more situation where they get along.

Chapters written: 9 out of 19

Chapter 6: Episode 6: Stabbin' Cabin!

Summary:

In which Mikasa is angsty, Jean might be a communist and Eren commits murder.

Also Armin and Mikasa friendship.

Notes:

omg this was my favorite chapter to write as of now. An alternate title for this could be: AOT as conversations I've had with my family.
Which family member is up for you to decide.

Everyone situated themselves in their spots and resumed watching the show.

The opening theme played and switched to Connie yelling at Armin.

“Armin! Armin, wake the fuck up!” the bald boy shook him by the shoulders as his vision cleared. Armin continued to stare as Connie yelled, “hey! Handle your shit! ARMIN, can you hear the words I’m speaking to you?” Connie let go of his shoulders and looked at his hand, “wait. Why are your cheeks so sweaty?”

“Nope. It was the titan spit,” Connie shuddered.

Armin looked up at the other boy and Connie slowly realized, “aww, shit. He overdosed.”

“I suppose this is what I get,” Armin sighed.

“No, this is what you get for not mixing it right the first time,” Eren shook his head  in mock disappointment.

“Shit, you right.”

“Stay with me Armin. What happened?” asked Connie.

Armin gasped and his blank face converted to horror, ‘ACID FLASHBACKS!’

Various scenes featuring his squad mates dying flashed as Armin’s mouth widened and pupils dilated.

Armin scratched his scalp and pulled at his hair, “The spiders are in my hair.” Then he doubled over, “no, Mr. Whiskers. Bad kitty! Bad, bad kitty!”

“Shit,” Connie knew the situation was bad but after seeing that, he realized the gravity of what Armin felt during his original breakdown.

“This is less embarrassing than what I actually said,” Armin gave a nervous laugh, remembering how he spewed about his uselessness and suicidal desires.

“Ah, he’s tripping balls,” Connie hovered his hands around Armin.

Armin continued, still not aware of himself, “blood boiling from the insides and I can feel little spiders crawling up from my belly.”

Hange turned to Armin, “so would you say the spiders are originating from your body or materializing right onto your skin?”

Armin blinked. “...Mr. Whiskers, it’s alright. They will never know,” he whispered like a gremlin.

“Armin, why are you doing this? Like I get that in the other world it’s normal but why?” asked Jean.

“It’s fun. I don’t know why you have to shit on my parade, like damn,” said Armin.

“And so the pure boi is no longer pure,” Hange dramatically sobbed.

“Was he ever, though?” Eren asked, knowing fully what Armin knew of by being book smart. Hell, he learned about sex-ed before Grisha ever decided to teach Eren anything medical.

“Shhh,” Armin put a finger over his friend's mouth, “we don't talk about that.”

“We really need to get him medical attention,” Connie shouted to Ymir. “Armin, stay with me!”

Said boy was still squeezing his ears to his head and shaking fiercely. 

As Connie asked, “what happened to Eren?” Armin gasped and snapped out of his acid trip.

“Isn’t it obvious dumbass?” asked Ymir, back turned to Connie. “Eren and all are dead; all that’s left is lightweight over here. Too bad really.”

“You know who isn’t a lightweight though?” asked Armin.

“Me,” said Eren.

“It’s true. I can confirm,” Sasha said turning slightly green thinking about the last time she got drunk. Connie and Jean nodded in agreement.

“Maybe we can roll him down into a titan’s mouth and finish the job,” Ymir suggested.

“We already tried that. It didn’t take, unfortunately,” said Armin.

“Pfft!” Connie choked on his soda. 

“Hey, don’t insult my friend you--you freckled lesbian!” Connie shouted back at Ymir.

“No wait guys! I’m not actually like that I swear!” Connie hid behind the couch yet again.

“What’s so bad about girls liking girls,” Historia glared with a raised eyebrow.

Connie shook his head, “nothing! I fully support that!”

Historia gave him one more look then returned her focus to the screen. Connie carefully went back to his seat.

“Look out here, Connie,” Ymir looked back at the boy. “I want you to see something.”

Connie gestured his arm across, “there’s nothing out there.”

“Exactly. Those are the fucks I give.”

“Ymir is such a mood,” said Mikasa. Levi mentally nodded.

“Hey, Ymir!” Connie balled his hands into fists and shouted, “You like scissoring right? Cause I’ve got two blades that are just screaming your name.” Armin growled softly through clenched teeth, tears still running down his face.

“Pulling a Jäger there Springer,” said Levi without looking at him.

Mikasa shook her head, “no, he’s a Sasha in this situation.”

“Mikasa, why am I always your scapegoat?” the brunette whined, covering her face with her palms.

“She’s an Eren simp,” answered Armin. Mikasa turned a little red but hid it with her bangs and scarf.

“You don’t know what scissoring entails, do you?” Ymir asked rhetorically.

Connie furrowed his brow, “bitch, don’t talk shit about arts and crafts! I fuckin’ love coloring!”

“Bring it on, stubby fuck!”

“Wait,” Historia interrupted their squabble, “I have a spell for this.” She ran between the two and shielded Ymir. “Conflicto resolvus!”

“If only that worked here. Imagine defeating Marley just like that,” Historia sighed. Why couldn't the world just all get along?

“What are you, fuckin’ Tituba?” Connie asked.

“She was persecuted so I don’t believe so,” Eren said after looking through the memories of the past attack titan holders. Marleyan history was becoming more and more useful.

Ymir turned and put an arm around Historia, “that’s my Christa. Always practicing spells. Marry me baby.”

“If only we did get married,” Historia smiled but her eyes gave her away. Ymir wouldn’t have lasted any longer than Eren will. 

Connie tried to get the girls back to the present, “whenever you two get done clam-jamming each other, feel free to help on the whole not dying part. Okay?”

“Huh, I almost forgot about that part,” said Sasha.

“This is literally the defining moment of our graduation and you forgot about all the death and destruction?!” Jean groaned.

“Hey, I’m still hung up on the fact that Bertholdt blasted away that meat I went through the trouble of acquiring, and the literal nonsense that leaves everyone’s mouths every other sentence.”

“Of, course. Why am I not surprised.”

Connie bent down, “Armin, take my hand. We’re leaving.” Connie offered his hand but Armin got a grip and stood up slowly.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll regroup with the others,” he said flatly as he started walking off, disregarding Connie.

Connie’s head turned as he watched the boy leave. “Okay, man.”

“I’m guessing you filled your tanks with the bad batch,” Eren shook his head. 

“One moment of clarity didn’t fix my fuck up, sadly,” replied Armin.

“And this is why we don’t do drugs, kids,” Levi put his empty teacup down and leaned back into the cushions.

Offscreen, Armin swung with his gear and looked at all the blood and destruction, “what is this hell? I thought I was one with the darkness,” the scene showed a frightened Armin maneuvering around Trost, “but I see now that I vastly overestimated my powers. How could this be?” The scene zoomed in on Armin’s distraught face, “I was raised in misery, taught from early on that the world was cruel.” 

Flashbacks of bullies beating up Armin saying, “yeah, silly nerd, literacy is for pussies and poor people,” came into view.

“They must be more poor than you brats to say that shit,” said Levi. Literacy was becoming more and more of a luxury than a necessity, especially when the underground already had its own visual information system. The only reason he was able to read was because of his bastard of an uncle.

“Well, I’m the stronger one now,” Armin said. “I also know how to mix up chloroform, so it all works out.”

“...I suppose there are worse methods,” said Historia.

“No, my historical dwarven tomes!” child Armin protested.

“I've read about those in the stories my sister used to read! They always seem to have some sort of association to magic!” Historia clapped her hands together.

“Do you think they would contain dark magic?” Armin asked with a smirk.

Historia offered a sly grin, “I wouldn't rule that out.”

Armin snorted.

Eren and Mikasa ran from an alley to his rescue.

“Hold on, Armin,” said Eren. “We’ll save you!” 

Present Armin narrated, “only two Allies came to my assistance in my moment of need. Though they were pawns, I vowed to dedicate entire kingdoms to them once this world fell under my grasp.”

“I don’t know whether I should be offended or not,” said Eren, gnawing on a fruit-flavored candy stick. 

Armin gave a dramatic gasp and put his hand over his heart, “entire kingdoms Eren! What more do you want?”

“...freedom.” Single idea the people of the walls had been striving to obtain for more than a hundred years and even after the titans were eradicated. What even was freedom at this point?

Child Eren was seen fighting the bullies and afterward offered his hand to Armin. “We’ll promise to always look after you as long as you don’t cry like a little bitch.” Armin proceeded to cry without sobbing.

“Eren, you are much more of a crybaby than I am,” said Armin. “You once cried over kicking a fish on accident.”

Eren’s jaw dropped as his cheeks heated up. Then he quickly leaned close and loudly whispered through his teeth, “you said you wouldn’t tell!”

“Wait are you seriously going to cry now ?” Armin watched as Eren quickly backed away with shiny eyes and aggressively wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

“Hey, he’s cute when he cries,” said Mikasa.

“It’s okay Eren,” Historia reassured. “At least you didn’t sleep in impossible positions like Bertholdt. That couldn’t have been good for his back...” She winced at the thought.

Back in the present, Armin continued to think as he swung, “but now one of them is gone. My dark tendrils failed to protect him from the harsh reality of this world.” 

‘And man do I know how that feels,’ Eren thought.

The scene zoomed in on his face, “perhaps, I am NOT the chosen one. Perhaps, I’m just another failed prophet.”

Mikasa reached behind Eren and put a hand on Armin’s shoulder, “you’re still my dark god Amin.”

“Thank you!” Armin sounded as if he was sobbing, but his grin betrayed his tone.

The two were forced to snuggle Eren, his arms hooking around their shoulders and bringing their heads to his chest. “You forget the true god,” Eren shrugged his braid off his shoulder. 

Mikasa frowned as she snuggled closer, “Eren, no one cares about the founding titan right now.”

“Ah,” Eren felt as if a bolt of lightning struck his soul. “That’s fair.”

Armin’s hook failed to catch onto a brick wall, sending Armin hurdling to the wall one was still attached to and slamming onto it before finally falling on his ass. He proceeded to cry like a little bitch.

Then he heard Hannah crying. She was performing CPR on Franz.

“Oof yikes,” said Eren. She was a ginger though, so did he really feel sympathy.

Armin turned to the ginger, “Hannah!” He walked over to the crying girl.

“Armin, help me save him,” Hannah pleaded.

He didn’t sugar coat it, “Hannah, he’s dead.”

“Wasn’t he…?” Jean trailed off.

Armin nodded, “yeah, getting bitten from the waist down is not the best way to go but it was his end nonetheless.”

Bitten from the waist down? Did Levi hear that correctly? Static slowly invaded his hearing as a familiar blond was seen laying on the ground with empty eyes. There's blood. Where's the rest? Eyes are staring at me but staring at nothing-

“Shorty?” Hange leaned over toward his front. He probably couldn't see them, though with his hand buried in his hair, shielding his eyes. Hange reached over to touch him, keeping their eye on his arms in case he lashed out.

Before they could make contact, Historia put he hand on his hair and softly ruffled the locks from behind the couch. Hange looked back in shock; when did she..?

“Huh?” Levi loosened his grip, arm falling to his lap. Then he quickly composed himself. “I'm fine,” he added for good measure.

“Are you sure you're alright?” asked Hange as Historia walked back to her seat.

“Yes,” he gave a half-lidded look. Hange's eye lingered for a bit but then went back to the screen.

“But,” she paused her compressions, “but we were supposed to destroy the titans with the power of our love.”

“You can’t blame yourself. Gingers just don’t know how to love. You were doomed from the start.”

“Where is the lie? There is none,” said Connie. 

“People are literally dying, Connie,” Sasha elbowed him.

“Says the one who forgot people were dying,” he retorted.

Sasha gave an offended squawk.

She turned her head toward the sky and openly sobbed.

“I hope this helps,” Armin shouted positively.

Hannah sobbed, “Franz. No, (Armin: ‘Bye’) Fraaanz!”

“I’m disappointed I didn’t say something more fucked up, considering my track record,” Armin pursed his lips with a short ‘huh’ as an afterthought.

Jean nodded, “yeah that was more normal than usual.”

As the scene changed to the evacuation by the gate, Reeves was seen holding up the civilians because of his cart. Various civilians complained.

“God, I fuckin’ hate fat people.”

“When was the last time you saw your dick?”

Sasha turned toward Connie, “like Lord Wald, am I right?”

“Honestly,” he agreed.

“Move bitch! Get out the way.”

“The line at the DMV is shorter than this, bitch.”

“How is that the case when only the rich can afford a car and license?” Eren scoffed.

“That's assuming what you know from Grisha's memories still holds true,” Armin pointed out. “Cars are probably mass produced by now.”

Eren pursed his lips and gave a side nod.

“Get a grip, lard-ass. I’m sure there are insulin shots on the other side for you.”

Reeves thrust an arm to them, “damn you all. Don’t you know you’re my slaves? That’s the beauty of capitalism.”

Mikasa’s face grew dark. She remembered this moment very distinctly. Levi and Eren shared similar looks.

“Oh yeah. Well we happen to be socialists, and we’re not going to take your oppression.”

“Hey Carl, explain the principles of Marxism,” Civilians pushed a garrison soldier to the front, “He’s a really good speaker.”

Another civilian sneered, “he went to debate school; you’re fucked.”

Carl sweated profusely, “well, you see, in a class based society-”

“You wanna know what it’s like to bang a Polynesian hooker on a rug made of endangered species and pure sin?” the merchant glared at the populous. “Fuck your classed based society.”

“Marxism is literally the absence of social class though,” said Armin.

“It’s the ‘Trost being a town of socialists’ for me,” said Jean, who many forget is from Trost. “Though I guess if any of us were socialists, it would have to be me...or Armin.”

“Or both!”

“I murder activists for breakfast,” said Reeves. “You know who I am, you filthy commie? I’m rich Uncle schickle bags. You know who bought the food you eat? I did. You know who bought the air you’re breathing? Brr, I did.”

“I almost feel bad saying this because we were the reason he died but he was a certified pig-fuck bastard with the intelligence of an ant. There is no physically possible way that cart is getting through, just look at those dimensions,” Levi gestured to the cart. “Sure he helped get Trost back on its feet after the destruction, however many of the lives lost were because of him in the first place!”

“Oh I know,” said Mikasa, her bangs overshadowing her eyes. “And don’t worry. I persuaded him in the end.”

“I make more money than GOD. I created you. I own your life. I own your family. I even own your shitty dog. Now do your job and make them push. That’s the power of money,” the man finished. 

Mikasa’s expression grew impossibly darker. Oh how she remembered what happened to the first people who tried to own her. Eren’s pupils were nearly non-existent and eyes were wide, almost giving a look of insanity.

“It’s okay, honey. Lenin was still right,” a mother hugged her daughter. 

“A good ol’ communist leader from what they teach on Marley,” said Hange. The analysis from this world might prove useful someday so they wrote notes dutifully. The poor notebook was almost full...Probably from all the detailed illustrations.

The daughter pointed behind them, “Mommy, what did Lenin say about that?” The mother turned her head and looked at the sight that captured the attention of many other civilians.

A soldier was running in the distance as the ground shook. An abnormal ran toward the crowd, kicking the soldier in the distance. It scraped nearby buildings as it swayed side to side, singing gibberish as it toodled along. 

The crowd screamed in terror the closer it got and pushed desperately at the cart.

“Get out of the way we need to go or we’re going to die!”

“Move!”

“I know this is a bad time, but that beat is a little catchy,” said Sasha. 

Connie tilted his head, “I see what you mean. It’s not a bad vibe.”

“What beautiful behavior! I wish I could have seen it in person. We should have gotten there earlier!” Hange’s eyes sparkled at the sight of the abnormal...and the data that could be acquired-

The titan continued running down the street and then the Elites swung into view.

“It’s an Abnormal!” one elite said.

“Abnormally retarded!” the one to his right replied.

“We won’t make it in time!” the last one declared.

Mikasa flew past the three and made short work of the titan, the corpse landing at the feet of the crowd and dust flying everywhere like a cloud.

“Let’s fucking go!” cheered Jean. “Mikasa sure proved them wrong. And shut your mouth Connie. I know and I am proud to simp over Mikasa. You’re lying to yourself if you think you don’t too.”

Connie closed his mouth.

Mikasa looked at her dull blades and winced then looked as the civilians commented on her performance.

“Perfect 10!”

“9.7.”

“You nailed the execution but your landing could have been better.”

“Oh piss off! I saved your lives, you ungrateful-” Armin reached over Eren and slapped a hand over Mikasa’s mouth before she could get more colorful with her wording. 

Reeves shouted from over by his cart, “good job public servant. Now please assist us in pushing my money through this exit.” He raised a fist, “with your ungodly man strength, I’m sure we’ll make it through in no time.”

“Carry it yourself, you dick!” Mikasa nearly screamed. Both Eren and Armin struggled to keep her in her seat.

Mikasa gaped at the scene in front of her with wide eyes. “My friends are dying out there so that you can evacuate,” her eyes were dull, “and you’re holding them up.”

“Oh, boo hoo hoo,” the man mocked. “Stop crying and push.”

Mikasa stood up despite the hands pulling her down, “I swear I will personally go to hell and bring you back to life, just so that I can kill you by my own hand!”

“I have loved ones fighting for you,” the girl said slowly, still in disbelief.

Reeves gestured outward, “look at all the fucks I give.”

“How can you-”

“Bitch don’t talk back to me.” He put his fists up, “I have the power of money. I own you.”

“Oh?” Eren let go of Mikasa. “Really? Ha. HahaHAhAHAa!” He took a deep breath, “Mikasa, you wouldn’t mind if I joined you, right?” Eren gave her a grin with way too many teeth. 

“I-er, not at all!” she stuttered as she sat back down.

The other two couches of people gave them wide eyed looks but said nothing.  

Mikasa shut her mouth and lowered her head slightly, the tension leaving her face. She looked at the man with half-lidded eyes. “Sorry. Did you just say you OWN me?”

“That’s kind of my shtick,” he put his arms down. 

Mikasa jumped down from the titan and walked over to the merchant, blades still drawn. “You’re not the first person who tried to claim ownership over my life. Would you like to know what happened to THEM?”

Hange and Levi realized she must have meant the same event that Nile brought up during Eren’s trial. Looking back at the far couch Armin just barely kept his hold on his raging companions. The middle couch was at the edge of their seats, too engaged to react yet.

Reeves lifted his fist again, “quiet you trollop. I’m an angry Capitalist. You don’t want to fuck with me when I’m wearing this suit. It gives me plus 5 to violence and misogyny.”

“Is this really the time to reference board games?” asked Armin.

“Hey, whatever works. He’s probably out of one-liners,” said Jean.

“Guards!” He commanded his bodyguards to help. 

The two guards ran to Mikasa, “yeah, chivalry is dead.” In mere seconds, Mikasa subdued both of them. 

“Bruh moment for the guards,” said Connie.

Jean turned, “Connie. No.”

She stopped walking when she was in range to look down on Reeves, “funny. The way I see it, I’m the one wielding a sword, and you’re the one without bodyguards. So you’d better hope that suit is all it cracked up to be.” The angle rotated so Mikasa was less diagonal, “cause I only roll natural 20s.”

Reeves backed away in fear, “unfair. Loaded dice.”

“Can we test that?” asked Hange, breaking the tension.

Mikasa blinked then shrugged. A die materialized and out of 100 rolls, all were 20.

“Lemme see that,” Connie grabbed the die and rolled it twenty times, getting varying results. “What the hell?”

Hange giggled as they watched it all pan out.

Mikasa raised her sword and pointed it at him. The merchant raised his arms frantically, trying to shield himself.

“Wait. I yield. You win. I’ll move,” he fumbled over his words.

“What part of Capitalism is this?” asked one of Reeve’s men. 

Reeves growled, “government regulation.”

“I’ve learned more about government policy here than in lectures or even from my royal advisors,” said Historia. “How sad is that,” she chuckled.

“It’s not so bad when you think about how everyone’s memories were wiped about a hundred some odd years ago,” Sasha pointed out. 

“I suppose...”

The crowd cheered as the cart was moved out of the way, allowing them to evacuate.

“We showed him, didn’t we?”

“Hooray for police brutality!”

“Thank the walls she came along. I was about to start lighting Molotovs!”

“Is it really police brutality if she was taking care of an animal?” said Levi. “I’ve seen police brutality and that sure as shit didn’t even come close.” 

“Can you tell us sometime?” asked Mikasa. Though her intent was merely curiosity, Levi gave her a look of warning. She shook her head, “well, you’ve basically heard all about our despairs and though we don’t expect anything from this conversation, just know that we are willing to listen. Even if you can’t say it we will always be there because that’s what this makeshift family is all about and I would rather die than lose my family again.” By the end of her declaration, Mikasa realized this was the most open she had been without being prompted. She looked down at her folded hands as an uneasy silence settled.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you all. And I'm not so sensitive to say that it’s ‘too hard’ for me to say it, but next time we’re traveling, I might be inclined to share a story or two,” Levi finally answered, but the stares he got started to make him flush ever so slightly that you might miss it, “no promises to you brats though!” 

The mother and daughter from before turned to Mikasa, “thanks for teaching is a valuable economics lesson and saving our lives.”

“A system built on greed will always seek out to maximize benefits for the select few at the expense of the majority,” concluded the daughter.

Mikasa said nothing and instead offered a salute before setting back away from the gate.

“That little girl reminds me of Armin,” the blond gave Jean a look. “Not the real ‘you’, but the ‘you’ in the other world.”

“Eeeehhhhh, I guess?” replied Connie.

Rain began pouring over the city. The scene panned to show Mikasa and an elite on a rooftop and the abnormal evaporating on the ground.

Mikasa looked down to the streets, “funny. That girl reminded me of someone I used to know.”

The scene flashed back briefly to the daughter, “I can’t wait to become an anarchist.”

“Wait, Mikasa said she used to know someone like that,” Hange sat up straighter. 

“Dang. So much for that theory, Jean,” Connie pat his back.

An image showing the blades was captioned: Caution is advised when handling 3DMG swords. The blade slips off for, literally, no reason.

“Wait what? I thought we fixed that problem 50 years ago,” said Hange with a finger scratching their chin.

“This world is all over the place. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were still using the 50 year old model,” Armin theorized.

Another image depicting the manufacturing plants was captioned: The steel used by the military is forged in the iron pits of Mordor; It’s forged by children. Not orcs.

When the image faded, a caption with the year 844 appeared and a cabin was revealed in a forest. The rain created a mist by the ground.

“Hey. You’re here with us,” Eren whispered while rubbing the top of Mikasa’s hand with his thumb. The raven haired woman sat ramrod straight, trembling ever so faintly. The others looked in concern. Armin waved them off and they continued watching with frowns.

A young Mikasa was embroidering with her mother while her father peeled potatoes. 

“Look mom,” Mikasa showed the fabric, “I made you a picture.”

Mrs. Ackerman took the fabric to inspect it closer, “oh, look how shitty it is.” She turned to Mikasa, “I’ll be sure to use it as a napkin. Ahahaha.”

Mikasa looked up at her mother with a frown.

“I almost forgot what it looked like. It’s been 10 years,” Mikasa’s voice began to wobble despite what that version of her mother had just said to her, “how could I forget our traditions my mother passed on? I don't even know if I remember how to do our family’s secret embroidery technique!”

Armin pulled her across Eren’s lap to hug the poor woman. “Hey. Let’s not think about that for now. Hm? You can always go to Hizuru after all this is over and relearn there.”

There were two knocks on the cabin door followed by a man saying, “ding dong. Ding dong.”

“Don’t they know we have a knocker?” asked Mr. Ackerman as he stood up to get the door.

Outside the cabin, Grisha knocked and said “ding dong, Ding dong” as Eren stood beside him.

“Dad, you know they have a knocker right?” asked Eren.

Grisha turned his head to look at the boy, “Eren, don’t be silly. This is how men handle things.”

“Is everyone on crack? Jesus!” Levi could only handle so much stupidity. He figured he should hold back some of his more colorful thoughts though since he himself has only had one line. Who knows what horrible characterization this world has of him…

“Why were you with your dad anyway?” asked Hange.

“He was the only doctor Mikasa’s parents trusted because of his discretion.” Eren’s tone fell, “Mikasa’s mother thought she was expecting.” He huffed a sigh as he remembered the original question, “I was there because I had bugged him about taking me. He only agreed because the Ackermans had a kid my age.”

Mikasa backed off Eren's lap and sunk back into her spot a bit.

“Why are we here anyway?” asked Eren

“Now, now,” Grisha scolded, “you know your mother had an important business meeting at the home. We needed to clear out.”

“Is this going where I think it is?” asked Jean.

“If that's the case, why did she only clean the bedroom?”

Jean shook his head, “yup it is. So much for hoping it wasn’t about Eren’s mom being a whore. That is becoming an oddly prevalent plot point.”

“Because, Eren, Daddy likes money.” 

Eren shuddered at the comment and covered his mouth. “Ugh, why? God now I’m imagining it. Fuck.”

Armin laughed and patted his friend’s back

Grisha tried knocking again then finally opened the door himself. The inside of the door had blood spattered up to eye level.

The group’s blood ran cold.

After opening the door enough, Grisha gasped at the sight inside.

“Dad, what is it?” Eren asked, not able to see inside from where he was standing.

Hange looked at Eren sadly. The poor boy already looked murderous.

“Oh, my god!” Grisha said offscreen. The scene revealed more blood staining the windows. 

From the floor to check on Mrs. Ackerman’s body, Grisha turned behind to Eren who was standing in the doorway, “Eren! Eren! I can’t.” He fully turned himself and whimpered, “hold me.” 

“Your mom makes your dad look like a bitch. She at least had fire,” said Connie.

Eren crossed his arms and scoffed, “correction. My father WAS a bitch.”

“Heh, he was quite absent as well,” Armin said. “I mean, my parents were never around, but that’s because they’re dead. Your dad makes Shadis look like a grade A step-parent since he had a thing for your mom. (Eren raised an eyebrow at him.) Like, the whole parent-teacher conference and makes brownies for the class kind of step-parent, though. A true Karen.”

Eren rolled his eyes but nodded, ‘not what I meant but that’s true.’ Eren’s train of thought was more toward Zeke’s childhood...or rather the lack of one.

Beside the man, a puddle of blood originating from the woman stained her shoulder as she laid there, motionless.

Eren stared back at his father with his eyes wide, shadow cast over his face as the storm behind him raged on.

Levi’s arms loosened and his hands fell to his lap. His eyes widened then slowly went back to half lidded. ‘Why did he have to be involved in that sort of thing? The environment he grew up in wasn’t dangerous at all so why?!’ An image of 15 year old Eren flashed in his mind, crying that morphed into a bright smile. He looked back at the 19 year old on the far couch who held the same look of contempt as that child on the screen. ‘Just who is the ‘real’ Eren Jäger?’

Another cabin on the mountain slid into view. Inside the Cabin, Mikasa laid on the ground with her wrists tied behind her back.

Mikasa felt herself slump back to her usual demeanor. Any fear was replaced by the memory of those men’s demise and her awakening.

Connie and Jean watched in confusion. How could she be so calm about that?

“Hey, I have a great idea,” said one of the kidnappers.

The larger one practically rolled his eyes just by his tone, “oh, here we go.”

“No, no. Here me out this time. So I’ve been thinking. This place needs a name...” The scene panned around to show the kidnappers. “And suddenly it just hit me.”

“Go on. What is it?” The bigger guy sounded like the first one did this often.

The taller kidnapper turned on his heel, “The Stabbin’ Cabin!”

Connie held his stomach as he snorted. Jean’s and Sasha’s cheeks puffed trying to contain their laughter.

“This is totally an inappropriate moment, but that was hilarious,” Historia tried to hold back giggles. “EMA, is it okay if we laugh at the funny parts?”

Armin looked to the other two members of the trio. Eren looked to Mikasa. She shrugged. It only goes uphill for her from there so she decided not to dwell.

“That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Come on man, Stabbin’ Cabin!” the taller insisted.

“You're a disgrace to child kidnappers everywhere.” Mikasa stared off blankly from her spot on the floor, blood at the corner of her mouth.

“Aren’t...aren’t child kidnappers already a disgrace?”

“Shut it,” the fat one growled. 

“What an uncomfortable amount of self-awareness,” said Armin. 

“Okay but the sex joke?” Historia raised an eyebrow.

“What did you think they needed me for?” Mikasa spoke up. The mood immediately soured.

Child Mikasa continued staring off and flashed back to a few hours ago. 

“Ding dong!” said the fat kidnapper. 

Mr. Ackerman opened the door. “Hey guys.”

“Surprise knife,” the man stabbed Mikasa’s father who then collapsed to the floor.

Eren snorted. He literally used his own tactic against them.

“Unnecessary murder is fun,” said the self aware kidnapper. A third one was seen to the left of the first.

“The Maryleyans to Eldians be like,” said Jean.

Sasha and Connie nodded.

Mrs. Ackerman looked at the doorway with her eyes wide and jaw dropped. “What are you doing?”

The men walked in with bored expressions. 

“Surprise abduction,” answered the second guy.

“No you can’t!” refuted Mikasa’s mother as she reached for her sewing scissors.

“Come on! You can do it!” Sasha cheered despite knowing in the back of her mind the woman wouldn’t succeed. Otherwise she might be here today...

“We’re going to sell you both on the black market to become sexual bondage rape slaves,” declared the first kidnapper with a laugh.

The scene cut to a caption: You had no idea how hard it was to make this episode funny.

“Wait what?” asked Armin.

Flashes of the kidnappers slitting her mothers throat as Mikasa watched were filtered with red. Her father was slumped against the wall and blood spurted from her mother’s neck, the scissors forgotten on the floor. Screams and eerily calm singing was heard as Mikasa looked in horror.

Mikasa watched with a hardened expression. Levi was almost impressed with how well she was reacting but then again they were Ackermans. This was normal for them. They weren’t even at the supposed part where she and Eren killed the bastards but he knew they definitely deserved it, no matter what the MPs say.

It cut again to a caption: Seriously. This episode was fucked.

“Well fucking duh!” Jean nearly screamed.

“There’s a silver lining, I swear,” Eren deadpanned.

Historia scrunched her nose skeptically, but said nothing. Hange and Levi just wanted to get to the part where the kidnappers met their maker, both leaning over with their elbows on their knees and folded hands under their chins.

Child Mikasa’s flashback ends.

“We’ll transport her to the capitol tomorrow,” said the larger kidnapper. “Asians are a rarity for these freaks.”

“Well maybe they wouldn’t be so rare if you didn’t persecute them. You know?” Levi turned his head. “Just a thought.” Mikasa had a double whammy of being both Asian and Ackerman.

The taller guy snickered at his companion’s comment.

“Something funny?” asked the first one.

The second one turned to face him, “I’m sorry. Di-did you say ASIANS are a rarity? Did you really just say that?”

“Yeah, you deaf?”

“What world do you live in? Asians? A rarity? There’s like several billion of those fuckers!”

“No there’s not,” the first said slowly. “There’s not a billion of anyone.”

“Dude have you SEEN the internet? It’s like, crawling with Asians.” The second began his list, “4Chan? The Pool Is Closed? Low Orbital Ion Cannon? You getting these references? Or do I need to keep making them?”

“What’s a pool?”

The second guy forcefully rolled Mikasa to her back with his foot. “Have you ever challenged a South Korean to a game of StarCraft?” He leaned in toward the girl, “it’s like seeing the face of God.”

“What’s the Internet?”

The second guy stood up abruptly, “wait, what world is this again?”

“I thought they’d never explain that,” Connie sighed. “That guy is from a different world from the one we've been watching.”

“And definitely not from out world,” Historia added.

A note dropped down which Hange read aloud, “he is most likely a person from my world (or perhaps something adjacent).” They looked to everyone, “must be that 21st century stuff the entity was talking about in the first note!” Then they cracked open a new notebook and wrote furiously.

Ominous sounds were heard as someone knocked on the door.

“Oh, hey, pizza’s here,” the second guy walked over to the door. When he opened it his pupils shrunk to pinpricks. Eren was seen with furrowed brows as a slash was heard, followed by blood spraying. The world hopper fell to the ground with a dull thud. Eren’s eyes were overshadowed as he stood there with his knife in hand.

Everyone was stunned. 9 years old. Eren was 9 when he did that. 

‘They weren’t kidding,’ Levi again remembered the trial. ‘Not about a damn thing.’

The first guy jumped to his feet, knocking over the chair on the process, “Holy shit!”

A shrill sound was heard as Eren stared at the guy as he shut the door between them, leaving him in the main room and Eren in the hall.

“Okay that’s it, you bastard!” the man said as he walked toward the hallway. “No tips for you!”

Eren emerged with his knife attached to a broom and ran at the guy. The knife stabbed the man in the gut and he fell to the floor.

“Surprise spear!” said Eren as the man screamed.

“Ow! Foiled by my own tactics!” the kidnapper strained to say.

“Holy shit,” muttered Hange. Titans were fascinating but Eren surprised them more and more each day.

“Hange, we don’t even know where he is in the real world,” Levi whispered. “No experiments!”

“But-”

“No!”

Eren took the opportunity to detach his knife, straddle the man and stab him repeatedly. “Die, you bastard! Die!”

“Prepubescent Rambo!”

Mikasa turned to look at them and gasped.

Eren was seen viciously stabbing again and again in slow motion. “Fat people are the worst scum in the world! Die!” Tears gathered in the corners of the boy's eyes as he made blood spray everywhere.

“Should we add psychopathic to his epithet?” asked Connie. “Because that shit was crazy.”

“They were animals,” Eren said plainly. He looked at Connie with an unsettling blank expression. “They were wretched animals who hurt her so they deserve to die.” His green eyes seemed to glow through the shadow cast by his down-tilted face. “Mother did say I should try saving Mikasa once in a while.”

“That was after I had moved in and you were getting your ass handed to you by Armin’s bullies,” Mikasa rolled her eyes.

“I’m right here, guys,” whined Armin.

“What? It’s true,” replied Mikasa. “Now cuddle Eren as we watch death.”

“Now that, I can agree on.”

Eren wrapped his arms around the two without complaint, resting his head on Mikasa’s. Armin, however made no indication of movement. 

Afterward, Eren panted heavily, wiping his brow and looked over to the girl. Walking over to Mikasa, he cut the rope binding her wrists. “Hey, I’m Eren. You’re Mikasa, right?” He unraveled the knot with an increasingly bored tone, “I’m here to save you. Don’t worry, everything’s gonna be fine. Are you hurt? Can you move?”

“What a complete 180... Are you sure you’re okay? I’m having Reiner flashbacks,” Jean shuddered.

“Who knows?” replied Eren. Mikasa pinched his ear, earning a sharp flinch from Eren that jostled the three. 

“I told you to stop it with that,” she warned in a low whisper.

Mikasa stared blankly, dazed but then remembered seeing the third kidnapper in her memories. He gave an excited ‘whoo!’

“There was one more,” she whispered, massaging her wrists.

“What?” asked Eren. His pupils narrowed as the two turned toward the sound of the door opening.

“What the FUCK?!” said the third kidnapper. “Fuck you, Eren! I’m going to eat your soul!”

Eren began to sweat at the mention of his name.

“Pfft!!” Jean choked on a sip of water. “Oh god he heard you say your name, didn’t he! That caught me so off guard!”

“You look so scared even though you just killed two grown men,” Historia blinked a couple times.

“Yup. Definitely adding psychopathic...” muttered Connie with a nervous smile.

Eren dove for the discarded knife but was kicked by the man.

“I’m gonna annihilate you, kid!” said the loud man.

“Ouch,” Jean winced and curled protectively over himself a bit.

“Kidnappers don’t mess around. Don’t think that kids get special treatment. Children and women are the most sought after in trade so they’ll do anything non-fatal to keep the merch,” Levi lectured. He still gets weirdos chasing after him, thinking he’s a kid when he’s probably older than them.

Eren shook in pain as the man walked closer.

“You see this fucking ascot I’m wearing!?” yelled the ascot man. “This is my child-beating ascot!” He grabbed Eren by his hair, “I got it for beating 50 kids in a row.” Ascot man slammed Eren’s face into the floor before picking the boy up by his neck.. “That’s right, Eren! You’re fucked!”

“Ah yes. Now we’re back to suicidal maniac,” said Armin fondly, patting Eren’s head gently.

Jean cut in, “so we’re not going to talk about the whole ‘50 children in a row’ thing? Cause that seems a bit excessive.”

“Eh,” Levi shrugged. “He probably ransacked an Underground orphanage.” Those poor bastards. Literally. Seriously, with all the brothels down there, there were little bastards littering the streets.

Historia’s jaw dropped at the mention of orphans. “There are more orphans! I should expand my facilities on the farm!” She made a note and stuffed it in her pocket.

“I LOVE beating children and looking GOOD in this ascot! WOOOOOO!” Ascot man held Eren’s neck above his head. “I’m fuckin’ WIRED right now!”

“Ugh, too strong,” Eren choked out.

Mikasa watched in horror as Eren got choked.

“Overpowering kids fills my self-esteem!” declared Ascot man.

Hange felt a fire growing inside them. White and hot, threatening to force it's way out and get the shrill man.

Eren’s features contorted with pain as he struggled to wheeze a breath.

The commander snapped the writing instrument in their hand as the sight of such pain on their young one’s face.

…

Damn. They really were turning into a parent to the Survey Corps. Perhaps this is what Erwin felt when the 104th cadets first joined their ranks.

Ascot man continued, “Eren, you ever ridden a horse? Aren’t those things fucking weird?”

“Why *gasp* are you-!” the boy rasped.

“Have you ever seen one of their dicks?” the man ignored him. “I remember the first time I saw one. I felt like less of a man and for years I suffered from gender identity issues-”

“There. Now being compared to a horse shouldn't bother you, Jean.”

“Damnit, Connie. That's not what this is about!”

“If you say so,” Connie mumbled. Horse cocks are fucking huge though.

Mikasa’s thoughts played over Ascot man’s rambling. ‘He’s really beating the shit out of that kid!’ 

“-until I beat the shit out of my first child.” 

Eren yelled to the girl, “please don’t let me die at the hands of this demon.”

Eren looked back and forth at the screen and his friends with guilt. Thankfully no one seemed to notice his unease.

“YEEEEAH! I love children tears!” the last living kidnapper said.

“You *cough* must fight,” Eren stared Mikasa in the eyes.

“I have to stab this guy? (Ascot man (singing badly): ‘The sun will come out...tomorrow…’)” Mikasa sat on the floor dumbly.

“Why aren’t you doing anything? You used to beat up Eren,” Sasha’s eyes were still glued to the screen.

It dawned on the captain. She hadn’t awakened her Ackerman strength yet, but she was definitely going to by the end of that day. Levi ran a hand through his hair and gripped at the roots, feeling a headache coming on.   

“If you don’t fight,” Eren began, “(Ascot man: ‘...just not for your bitch ass. I’m choking your lights out’) we will both die.”

“Get fucked. Man, Eren, you getting your ass WHOOOOPED!!!” the kidnapper growled. “I wish I had someone around when I was a kid to beat the shit outta me like THIS! You lucky bitch!”

Mikasa grabbed the knife and stood up in nervous thought, ‘okay, I’ve got this knife and...’ she was terrified. Tears streamed down her face. ‘I can’t do this. (Ascot man: “Even when I was a kid I knew I needed to get my ass beat, but no one would ever hit me!”)’

Historia and Sasha had tears streaming down their faces. Their strongest friend sacrificed so much for her strength, and they would bear witness to the magnitude of it all.

Her hands shook around the knife. ‘I...I… (Ascot man: “Do you know how traumatic that shit is?”)’ her elbows relaxed. ‘I can be strong,’ she remembered how Eren shanked the first guy and second guy with no remorse. ‘(Ascot man: “Hah! I had the worst childhood ever. All I wanted was for my dad to really get out and whip my ass.”) Alright, I’m going to do it. (Ascot man: “Just one good slap on the buttcheek! But nobody ever did!”)’

“You got this Mikasa!” Connie brought his folded hands to his forehead.

‘I’m gonna...’

“Come on!” Jean encouraged.

‘(Ascot man: “You kids have it so easy nowadays. Now I'm gonna beat the shit outta you harder now!”) I’m gonna...’ she saw flashes of her parents’ corpses.

“Please...” Hange’s voice wavered.

Lightning crackled around the girl as she felt something ‘activate’ in her brain. Mikasa crushed the floorboards with the force of her running start, instinctively running at the man with a war cry (Ascot Man (to Eren): “You fuckin’ BITC-!”) before stabbing him in the heart from his back.

The screen went black.

Levi hated being right sometimes.

Eren continued rubbing his friend’s shoulders throughout the event. He’d only have so much time to do this before he’d have to resume his plan preparations.

When the screen came back to life, the MPs arrived at the scene.

“Holy shit! Kids go hard these days!” one said as they saw the three kidnappers’ bodies.

“They’re like little demon spawn from Hell,” the other agreed.

Outside, the rain had finally died down and it was dark out. 

“Eren,” Grisha knelt down and held his son’s shoulders as he scolded the boy. “How could you do this? I told you to call the police, not go Rambo!”

“Huh. That part is oddly accurate,” commented Eren. “They missed a part though. He basically called me a suicidal maniac, heh.”

Jean shook his head, “well yeah. What kind of 9 year old kid just decides it would be a great idea to kill three men without any sort of training? Face it Eren. That was totally a stupid move.” Jean crossed his arms.

Eren scoffed, “as if those lazy bitches would actually have taken care of the situation in time. It was the only choice”

Mikasa stared quietly at the small fire that provided little warmth in the cool night breeze.

“But dad, they were going to kill her,”  Eren protested.

“So what’s worse, Eren: suicide or homocide, because you seem to get involved in both situations pretty often,” asked Connie.

Eren looked at the ceiling, “homicide I suppose.”

“Homicide or genocide?” Armin continued.

“Genocide.”

Hange put a finger on their chin in thought aloud, “what would be worse than genocide?”

“Eren,” said Jean without missing a beat.

Eren looked back and forth as sweat droplets ran down his nape. Fuck, did they know?

Mikasa didn’t seem to notice, instead opting for giving Jean a murderous glare. Eren mentally sighed

“Look at all the FUCKS I give!” Grisha snarled at the boy.

Unphased, Eren reminded him, “Dad, she’s right here.”

“So he was willing to just let Mikasa die?” Sasha squinted, mouthing a ‘what’ at her own thoughts.

“Let me remind you that he’s also the one who massacred the royal family on Paradis, including children,” Historia frowned with a cold expression. She would make Marley pay for indirectly killing her family.

Mikasa continued to sadly watch the flame.

“Oh,” Grisha stood up and faced Mikasa. “Um. No, that’s not true. Trust me, dear child.”

“Kinda hard to do that when you’ve kept such big secrets about your life from everyone,” mumbled Eren in a sing-song voice.

“I have plenty of fucks to spare,” the man reassured.

“That’s such a horrible way to put it, like wow,” Jean said. “Eren, why is your family so messed up?”

“...titans,” Eren supplied.

“I mean, I guess, technically,” said Armin, shrugging in agreement.

“Where do I go now, Dr. Jäger?” Mikasa seemed on the verge of tears.

“Well, obviously with us. God knows they don’t fund orphanages anymore,” said Grisha matter-of-factly.

“Oh wow,” said Sasha as she watched Historia’s vein pop.

“Oh wow,” the rest repeated.

“I get to have a sister? Awesome!” Eren said.

Mikasa clutched a hand to her heart as she was hit with intense ‘Ereh cuteness.’ The feels were strong with this one.

“Yes, Eren,” Grisha agreed. “Come, Mikasa. Live with us. Forget this terrible place.”

“If the kidnappers looked as frail as your dad, I think they would have succeeded,” Levi commented. “His wording sounds exactly like a smart kidnapper.”

“Welp,” Eren began, “I ate him, so it’s all good now. He was pretty shitty to be honest.”

“And this is how serial killers are made,” Jean coughed into his fist.

Eren gasped, “ah man! You’re gonna love living with us, Mikasa! I can’t wait for you to join in my favorite game. It’s called ‘Let’s save Armin.’ It involves my best friend, and it always ends with us getting our asses beat.”

“You mean your ass,” Mikasa poked Eren’s chest. “It only took one look from me to send them packing.”

“Hey. You’re forgetting about now. They probably would be too turned on by you three to do anything,” Connie said. 

“...”

“...did I say that out loud again.”

“Er, yeah...”

“...shit.”

“Thanks though?”

“But seriously, Eren is making me question my sexuality SO HARD RIGHT NOW! He’s beautiful and handsome at the same time and-argh!”

“Connie are you good?-” Mikasa reached over to his shoulder.

“-and don’t even get me started on Armin!” Connie thrust his arms up. “He’s cute and hot!” Connie continued giving confused screams.

“Wait wait! I have a hot take,” started Sashsa. “Armin doms the other two.”

“First of all, gross,” said Jean. “Second of all, I can totally see that happening.”

“Jean,” Armin smiled sweetly. “Do you like your kneecaps?”

“I-”

“Do you?” 

“Y-yes!!”

“I’ll only say this once: this is all platonic,” Armin waved his hand in a circular motion. “Even if it was like that, how would it work? Eren is an angry baby and Mikasa is emotionally stunted and can’t process her feelings. I’m literally too busy to even think about all that. If anything, we all need excessive therapy and retirement.”

A moment passed.

“You’re totally right though,” Armin finally agreed with a smirk. The other two blushed at the notion.

“I’m,” Mikasa pulled the coat around her tighter, “so cold.” 

“Oh, here,” Eren pulled his scarf off and wrapped it around Mikasa, draping the tail end around her head. “You can keep it.”

Everyone looked at the child Mikasa, then at their Mikasa. She clutched the scarf in one hand  with her other on her lap, smiling at the familiar moment.

It was no wonder she was always seen with that red scarf. She probably associated it with her savior, Eren, vowing to return the favor by protecting him.

.

.

.

The important part was definitely though how Nile wasn’t kidding. You know. About murderous 9 year olds.

“This,” she looked down and touched the scarf. “This is so warm.”

“Yeah,” Eren chuckled, “it’s a scarf.”

“This is the best gift anyone has ever given me,” Mikasa declared, looking into the boy’s eyes.

“Yeah, no sweat.”

“I will love you now and forever.”

Eren raised an eyebrow, “okay, seriously, it’s just a fucking scarf.”

Armin mentally groaned. Why couldn't Mikasa be this forward in real life. Their dancing around each other was driving him insane.

“Come along now children,” Grisha spoke up. “It’s a long walk, and Daddy is afraid of the dark.” Mikasa teared up again but with relief.

“It’s okay, dad,” Eren said. “I’ll hold your hand.”

Grisha got all choked up, “thank you.”

“At least we know why Eren is a little bitch,” Jean said. “Genetics am I right?”

“You really need to stop,” Levi spoke up. “There’s only so much I can do before we have two overprotective brats at your kneecaps.” Whatever. He gave Mikasa permission for after they finished, so Kirstein better be prepared.

Back out of the flashbacks Mikasa continued her path to the other cadets, killing any titans in her way.

“The remaining civilians were safely evacuated due to the brave efforts of the elite squad,” said the narrator as the scene panned around Trost. “As the city began to swarm with titans, the order was given to retreat. Trost had fallen to the enemy.”

Mikasa kept moving forward, ‘my life has been defined by hardship but through it all there’s been one who’s looked after me. Eren, as long as I have this ratty-ass scarf, I can do anything.’

A thought came to Levi’s mind. “Brat...when was the last time you washed that thing?”

“What?” Mikasa turned to the other Ackerman.

“Do you wash that scarf??”

“Of course I do!”

Levi raised an eyebrow with suspicion but said nothing.

The ending theme played.

But out of nowhere, Ascot man cried, “WHOOOO!”

“Gah!” Hange shouted, hitting Levi in the face with their arm.

“God FUCK Hange!”

Notes:

Regrettably, Imma have to do slower updates because episode 10 is literally going to be like 2 chapters in length, so that's exciting at least!

Chapters written: 9 out of 19

Chapter 7: Episode 7: War Goddess

Summary:

In which Connie just wants to huff the good stuff, everyone simps over Mikasa and Mikasa simps super hard over Eren-titan.

Alternatively: The Simpening (Simp and awakening)

Notes:

Me posting at midnight in my time zone? More likely than you think.

*Edit: June 19, 2021*
So I'm also doing a shameless promotion for my new ko-fi! You all are in no way shape or form obligated to do anything with this information. I'm just throwing this out there since I've put so much work into this fiction. Like damn, I started this as a joke but it's become a bit more than just a joke. I would like to thank Tom Andre especially though since this fix would never exist without him and his work along with the Slap cast.

Thanks to everyone who has clicked on this fic and has gotten to this point as well. It mean so much to me knowing that you've seen something I've made and hopefully laughed along with me.

“Sorry, Levi!” Hange rubbed the back of their neck.

“Whatever. Let’s just continue,” he scooted closer to Historia.

The opening theme played and returned to the cadets. The rain had finally subsided. Many of them were crying or standing in horror on the rooftops and didn’t have the gas to retreat.

“You guys,” Jean nearly sobbed. “You guys seriously don’t get this, do you?”

“Jean,” Connie reassured, “cheer up. It’s gonna be okay.”

“It’s not!” Jean ran his head through his hair and rested his head on his palm. “We’re low on gas; we’re too far away from the wall,” the scene changed to the Trost base, “and the armory is infested with titans!”

“Who’s the bitch now, Jean?” Eren snorted. “Not me.”

“For once,” Armin teased.

“Hey, I have feelings!” Eren huffed.

It started zooming in on Jean's face. “What would Suit Vest do?”

“Oh no! Not the Suit Vest torture flashbacks!” Jean said dramatically.

Connie gave him a side look, “screw the armory, muchacho!”

“We’ll die if we don’t go there,” said Jean.

Connie threw his arms out in front of him, “but we’ll die if we DO go there!”

“Yeah,” Jean stuttered.

“Man that felt like forever ago,” sighed Historia. “Impending doom? Nah. We’re badasses now!” 

“We can do what Armin did,” suggested Connie.

“What’s that?” Jean asked, not even caring anymore.

Armin sat with his back against a wall in a daze.

“He just inhaled half his gas supply, and he looks like he’s on cloud fuckin’ nine,” said Connie.

“Oh no,” Eren groaned as he rubbed his forehead. “Armin overdosed on the bad stuff. Just look at his face.”

“Sorry,” Armin said with a giggle.

“No! We have precious little gas as it is!” Jean protested.

Connie said after a second, “I’m gonna try it.” He removed the canister and huffed.

“Did you mix it right?” Eren asked.

Connie shrugged, “I hope to the walls I did.”

“No Connie! We need to take the gas supply-(Connie huffed) Stop inhaling your own gas, Connie! (Connie inhaled again) Stop! Connie, no!”

Connie puts the canister back. “Hey Jean,” the bald boy said in a high pitched voice. “You should try this!” He proceeded to laugh triumphantly.

Everyone except Levi, Mikasa and Eren burst into near hysterical laughter.

Eren’s eyes widened. “That effect is just like helium!”

“Helium?” asked Hange.

“When you inhale helium, your vocal cords contract, making you sound all high and squeaky.”

As if on cue, a balloon attached to a weight appeared on the coffee table. 

 “...I’m gonna try it,” Connie reached for the balloon, untied the knot and inhaled some of the gas, pinching neck on the balloon to save the rest. “How’s it going? Pfft! Oh god this is great!”

“Hey pass it here,” said Eren. Connie passed the balloon and Eren took a breath of the gas. “I will kill all titans!” he yelled in a high pitched voice.

“!!!” Hange wheezed and nearly forgot how to breath. Levi looked put together, sure, but he was also dying on the inside. Armin rolled his eyes with a smile. 

“Is there anymore?” asked Jean. Eren nodded and passed the balloon. Jean gave it to Historia who shrugged and inhaled some. 

“Heed my call!” Historia sounded like a chipmunk. “I’m the queen and thus you will obey me!” she shoved her fists up into the air with a war cry.

“Hot take,” said Hange, “Erwin doing his battle cry on helium.”

“AHAHAHAHAHA!” Levi clutched his stomach and hunched over from the force of his laughter. 

“Yes! Success!” Hange pulled their fists inward with their elbows at their sides. Levi’s laughter started to get a bit forceful.

“Commander? Is the captain alright?” asked Sasha. Levi had tears streaming down his cheeks from what they assumed was his overdone laughter, but the laughs began to get caught slightly in his throat, almost like sobs. The more they got caught, the quieter the captain was until he was quietly shaking in his spot, still hunched over his lap. He wiped his eyes and sat up with a deep breath. 

“I’m good,” he reassured, breath still shaky. Hange grabbed a weighted lap blanket from the back on the couch and draped it over his shoulders. Levi clutched the sides of the soft fabric and pulled it closer, internally sighing from the comforting hug-like pressure.

“Anyhow, back to watching that?” Jean pointed to the screen.

“Yup,” Hange confirmed. No one would comment. Everyone was just happy to see how much their beloved captain was willing to open up around them, given his history and personality.

Connie continued in his high pitched voice, “I sound like a fairy!”

“No Connie,” Jean cried. “You stupid bean burrito!”

Connie ignored the poor boy with more laughter and turned toward the other survivors, “hey guys! My name’s Jean, and I’m a horse fucker!”

“We are really going to town on you, damn,” Connie pat Jean’s back.

“How does it feel, Jean?” Armin said. “How does it feel to be accused of being an animal fucker?”

“Oh how the turntables,” Eren nodded with closed eyes.

“Stop making horse-related comments about me!!” Jean flushed with indignant anger.

Jean began to protest, “I’m not-”

“HAHA! Hey Jean, pull my finger!” Connie ignored him.

“I’m not fucking-”

“I’ll give you a sugar cube! AHAHAHAHAHA!” Connie continued to laugh which encouraged the others except Jean to huff their gas. All of them who huffed broke into a sea of high-pitched laughter.

“Okay, I huffed because I wanted to stop the voices, but they’re just scared little bitches with their tails between their legs!” Armin puffed his cheeks with a pout. “God, they always take the joy out of the things I enjoy.” 

“Do you think my drug enhancement theory is right now, though?” asked Hange.

“If anything, they should be able to keep their composure when they get to the base as the others get eaten alive.”

“Is that a yes?”

“...I guess?”

“That’s not funny!” Jean yelled out.

Eren snorted, “nope. It most certainly is.”

Various soldiers proceeded to make fun of Jean.

“Jean gives the best rides!”

“Guys, we are literally seconds away from dying!” Jean protested.

“So would you say we need to cut down on the horseplay?”

“Quit horsing around!”

“Oof. Jean looks so dead inside,” Sasha grabbed a potato chip and crunched. 

“At least my mind is on task. Everyone else is just fucking around,” Jean pointed out.

“Nah, you’d probably join in if you weren’t the topic to make fun of,” said Mikasa.

Jean sputtered in surprise, “M-Mikasa?!”

“What? It’s true.”

“Faster pegasus, faster!” Connie jeered.

Then the other cadets proceeded to ‘neigh’ at Jean then continued laughing hysterically.

“Jean! Jean! Hey!” Connie managed between giggles. “What’s your perfect nickname?”

“You’re all just fucking arou-” Jean stopped at the sound of Connie trying to hold back giggles and glared at the other soldier. 

“Springer, you little shit,” Levi rolled his eyes with a sigh. 

“An epic little shit,” said Armin.

“But a little shit nonetheless,” Eren gestured a hand toward Connie.

With a sigh, he began to ask why but was cut off by a shout from Connie, “warhorse!”

“That’s it?” said Hange. “I was kinda expecting something funnier, but it is relevant so I guess it’s fine.”

“Yeah, that was pretty lackluster,” Armin nodded.

Elsewhere, Annie, Bertholdt, Reiner and Marco were all together on a rooftop, looking at the wall.

Reiner turned to Annie, “hey Annie, I put the STD in stud. Now all I need is you, heh.”

“Ugh!” Armin cringed. “Was...does that even qualify as flirting?”

“All I heard was disappointment,” Jean shrugged.

“Not doing it,” Annie replied flatly.

“At least she respects herself, even if she was, you know, a Marleyan warrior hell-bent on kidnapping Eren to get the founding titan,” said Armin.

Eren huffed in amusement, “good times.”

“Look,” Reiner reasoned, “we’re gonna die anyway. Think there’s enough time left for a hand job?”

“Not doing it!” she insisted with more force.

“Please don’t,” whined Sasha. “Not right in front of my mashed potatoes.”

“C’mon Annie! Do you want to die a virgin? I’m the only man here!” Reiner exclaimed.

“Marco and Bertholdt are right next to you…?” Jean said slowly. 

“Well,” Reiner revised his statement, “aside from Bert, but let’s face it. Nobody wants Bert.”

Armin snorted.

“God damnit Armin. You ate Bertholdt, took his titan and you're like this close to taking Annie,” Jean’s fingers were practically touching.   

“Jean, aren’t your fingers touching though?” Connie put his face closer to the other’s hand.

“Exactly! I mean, don’t you remember how she said your name all moan-y and-”

“Okay, first off, you heard that from Eren, didn't you. And second, you’re just mad I’m guaranteed to get some and you’re still sitting there with squat,” said Armin.

“...wow. Go off then, king.”

Then he laughed, “aside from his rubber ducky. Heh heh.”

Bertholdt let out a high pitched whimper.

“I hate Bert, but they really did him dirty in this world,” said Connie. “He’s said like what, 2 sentences and then gets absolutely demolished by his best friend.”

Eren really needed to stop the jumbled memory space nonsense. That table event is really cutting it close and he couldn’t be screaming internally every fucking time this happens.

“You’ve been putting me off for years, but this is it,”  Reiner concluded his reasoning.

“But I thought he liked Historia?” said Sasha. 

Historia’s face fell, “trust me, he did, and I bet he still does.”

“So look, it’s either me or nothing, babe,” the roid chomper finished.

Annie caved, “alright.”

“No! Don’t let this muscles-for-brains misogynist guilt trip you into doing this!” yelled Armin, standing up with his fists clenched to his chest.

“Armin, your simp is showing,” Mikasa said.

“Oh, so when you simp over Eren every 10 minutes it's fine, but suddenly when I simp over a girl it’s not ok.”

She put an arm on his shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes, “she nearly swallowed Eren. Do you want Eren’s being swallowed for the nth time to be on your conscience?”

“Go screw Eren!”

That shut her up.

“But only because I’m curious. And just the tip!” Annie finished.

“That’s all I got!” Reiner said.

“And that folks, is Historia’s certified simp: a baby-dick muscle man that is too stupid to die,” said Jean. “Armin, at least she wouldn’t be missing anything worth it,” he wiggled his eyebrows.

“Especially with that colossal di-” Mikasa shoved a roll in Connie’s mouth before he could finish.

“And is that something you look for in a guy?” Armin folded his hands together, “because all day you have been all over Eren. It was funny then but we don’t know each other that well.”

“The same could be said about you and Annie,” Connie pointed a finger. “Unless you three are all in on something. I don’t know. Who am I to judge you three? You’ve all been to hell and back but you’re always together.” He paused, “in more ways than one most likely.”

“I-” the words died in Armin’s throat. Were the three of them dating and everyone but themselves knew? “Huh.”

“We’re just friends. No need to make it weird,” said Eren, thinking back on his plan. He needed to keep his distance but this whole day has erased valuable progress. Eren sighed, ‘maybe it’ll make the betrayal much more dramatic and painful? They need to be against me...’

It panned over to Marco, “I thought my holy freckles would save me. I knew I was put on this Earth for a short time, God.” He looked up at the sky, “I just didn’t think it would be up so soon!”

“Why?” Jean said, almost whispering. “Why are you so accepting of your own death? You had so much potential and fuck, you were 7th! Right next to me!”

“And how do you think Sasha, Connie and I feel, huh?” Historia raised her voice, “we were ranked below him and somehow we are still alive! Tell me, Jean, why is that?!”

“Hey brats!” Levi leaned over to be seen around Historia. “He’s dead. No amount of self-inflicted guilt or pain or whatever other things you think will punish you will ever be enough, and I get that. Don’t use it as an excuse to self-destruct, otherwise all of their sacrifices up to now will all have been in vain. Is that what you all want?”

“...Sorry Captain,” Historia looked down at her lap and bit her bottom lip in frustration.

As the scene panned to the top of the wall, Reiner encouraged the only girl there, “don’t stop Annie.”

“I did not need to hear that,” Armin turned away from the screen to face the armrest and lay the side of his head on the back of the couch with his legs positioned as if he was riding side-saddle. 

“Reiner doesn’t even like Annie that way,” Connie was trying so hard to not cringe.

“Hey Bert,” Reiner laughed. “What’s with the long face? YOU WANT SOME MORE BRO? I’ve given full staff man, squint harder.”

“I think the worst part is how proud he is of his tiny dick,” Armin said pointedly. 

Mikasa ran toward the traitors plus Marco. “Annie!”

The blonde zipped up Reiner’s pants and turned to face the other girl.

“I need to know where Eren is,” said Mikasa. “Also, why was your hand just in Reiner’s pants?”

The four stared at Mikasa awkwardly.

“Is everything with you always Eren? You sound like his mom with the ‘I need to see Eren’ crap,” said Levi. 

“Shorty, we love you, but please go vent elsewhere unless you’re actually going to tell us what this is about,” Hange glared slightly at the man beside them.

“...not...not today,” he wrapped his hands around his elbows, slightly hugging himself under the weighted blanket at the memory of a severed head and a cry for help that ended in blood. Hange sighed in defeat.

Annie finally answered Mikasa, “Armin is somewhere crying.” She averted her gaze, “I don’t know what you’re talking about with that last part.”

“Don’t even try to hide it at this point,” said Mikasa. “You outed yourself when you didn’t say anything after I asked.”

Reiner pointed his thumb to his left. “He’s over there Mikasa. Stop cockblocking, bitch.”

“And there’s the damning evidence. Nice going, Reiner,” Jean rolled his eyes. “Now Annie’s never going to indulge you ever again.”

“And thank god for that,” said Sasha. “Armin over here looks like he’s gonna throw a fit.”

Armin realized he had subconsciously puffed his cheeks and immediately assumed a more neutral expression. “No I’m not. What are you talking about?” the blonde sped through his words.

The scene panned over to Armin who was sitting curled up against a window on the roof.

“Aw,” Reiner whined, “come on Annie! You can’t wimp out on me now; it was just getting to the good part!”

“Reiner, NO!” Yeah, Armin was totally not going to have a fit. 

Mikasa tapped his shoulder and gestured to the punching bag area. 

Armin shook his head, “have you seen these hands? My skin care routine only accounts for unintentional fuck ups and general training. I didn’t factor in extra hand trauma to it.”

“Armin, you literally have titan powers,” Mikasa said. “You’ll be fine.”

“Oh yeah...” Then he got up and properly beat the shit out of that sandbag. 

Mikasa ran over to Armin. His eyes were clenched tightly as the voices taunted him from within.

Kneeling down, Mikasa fussed over the boy, “Armin, are you hurt?”

Armin whimpered unintelligibly. “No...”

“Damnit Armin. You're barely conscious,” said Connie. 

“Well, your gas must be different from mine. You had helium in there!” argued Armin after he washed his hands and face. 

“Armin, where’s Eren?”

Armin muttered psychotically, “so itchy...scratchy...stop clawing my face Mr. Whiskers.”

“We got Mr. titan-fodder, Mr. schizophrenic and Ms. Ereh-simp,” said Connie. “It’s almost like a full set of crazies.”

“Yeah. All it’s missing is you, Connie,” Armin smirked. 

“...sorry, yeah. That’s fair.”

“Armin!” Mikasa repeated, “where is Eren?!”

The blonde broke out into sobs, his body hunching over to hide his face. “I’m so sorry Mikasa...” Mikasa watched with wide eyes as Armin explained, “I tried...But I couldn't save him!” He furrowed his brow and clenched his fists on his knees. “And now, the fellowship is disbanded.”

“Good thing you didn’t get your titan powers stolen at that point, right?” Hange said. 

Eren nodded, “that was pretty close though. Any closer and he would have chomped my head off, haha.” 

Mikasa pinched his ear and yanked, causing Eren to flinch and yelp, knocking Armin to his lap. 

“Mikasa, we’re not gonna get through this any faster if you continuously scold Eren,” Armin readjusted himself back into a seated position and folded his hands in his lap. Mikasa huffed.

“Even as a dark lord, you still care for your friends. How...charming?” Historia didn’t know where she was going with that. 

“These events play out very closely to how they did in real life,” Hange surmised. “The only difference being everyone’s personalities and...some elements of backstory.” They tapped their pen on the new page before writing.

“Like how Eren’s mo-” Sasha began but Connie slapped his hand over her mouth. After a second he felt something warm and slimy on his palm and he jerked his hand away to see Sasha’s open mouth. 

“UGH! Sasha!” he furiously wiped his hand on his handkerchief.

“Can we not?” Levi glared at the two. Having seen something so unsanitary he internally shuddered but clicked his tongue aloud. The two apologized as everyone returned their attention.

Mikasa put her hand on Armin’s clenched fist causing the boy to look up at her dead eyes. “Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.” Armin gaped at her words. 

‘No,’ Armin thought. There wasn’t a day where he didn’t regret being alive when Erwin could have taken his place and probably have done a better job. There wasn’t a day where he felt the weight of that responsibility that Erwin was drowning under, that he couldn’t possibly hope to swim above.

Too late now, he supposed.

“Get up!” she ordered and stood up. “We’re taking back the armory.”

Armin stood up with tears still on his face but with less hysteria.

Mikasa walked to the edge of the roof, “Attention cadets! We are leaving the rooftop and heading for the armory!”

“Unfortunately, I don’t have Eren’s affinity for inspiring hope so eventually, I just left,” Mikasa frowned. 

Jean shook his head, “you were mourning and we were all too scared to do what needed to be done.”

“Stop being so humble, you snapped us out of it enough for the majority of us survivors to get to the supplies,” Connie grinned. 

Historia nodded, “even when Tom was caught, you helped the rest of us move forward through his sacrifice.” Jean flushed with embarrassment. 

Marco protested, “but it’s swarming with titans! And not even your karate skills can stop them!”

Mikasa gave him a side look. “What did you say?”

“O-or was it Kung-Fu?” Marco tried to save himself but failed.

“Did you seriously just imply that I know karate, based on my skin?” Her eyes weren’t visible.

“Oh! Shots fired!” Connie raised his fists excitedly. 

“She ain’t gonna take that!” Sasha agreed.

Marco looked up at the sky, “God, I could use some divine guidance right now...”

“Aw dang, he knows he fucked up,” Connie cackled. 

“Alright you shits!” the Asian war goddess turned and addressed her fellow soldiers. “We’re settling this right here, right now!”

“She almost sounds like you, Levi,” Hange poked his cheek to which Levi responded by punching their gut. They choked on air, “h-how could you? I thought we were friends.”

“My punch doesn’t discriminate,” he shrugged.

“Since you seem to not understand, are there ANY other questions about me being Asian?!” Mikasa asked. “Ask them now or forever shut your mouths!”

‘How embarrassing,’ Mikasa covered her mouth with her scarf.

“How badass!” Sasha leaned toward the screen, almost pushing the plate of apple slices on her lap onto the floor.

Well nevermind then.

The cadets whispered amongst themselves.

“Wait, is she really doin’ this? We can finally be honest!”

“Mikasa will answer our questions?” asked Sasha.

  “I thought at least you would have some tact,” muttered Jean. 

“Whatever...Warhorse,” Sasha giggled, much to Jean’s dismay.

“Do you own a family katana?” asked the first guy.

“Have you ever met Bruce Lee?”

“Korean, Japanese, what’s the difference?”

Mikasa looked so very dead inside.

“Oh no, she looks like she’s about to cut a bitch,” said Hange. 

“Honestly, same,” Levi sympathized. Though his sentiments were mostly because of Hange-

“Do Chinese tattoos make my ass look clever?”

A particularly loud one asked, “do you have a sideways Asian pussy!?”

“NO! NO TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS!” Mikasa shouted to the group.

“Go off queen!” Historia encouraged. 

“YOU SURE?” the loud one followed up.

“Oh no he didn’t,” Armin nearly snorted and instead opted for a nervous, wide-eyed chuckle. 

“YES, I’M FUCKING SURE.” Then Mikasa went back on topic, “NOW, THAT WE’RE DONE, ARE YOU ASSHHOLES FINALLY READY TO LEAVE?”

“PROVE IT.”

Eren choked on his saliva and began coughing harshly. Jean and Connie were in similar states. Levi wondered what the military had come to and the rest of them just laughed. Sure it was in varying tones but laughter nonetheless.

“OKAY THAT’S FUCKING IT,” Mikasa nearly growled then in a mocking tone said, “Mikasa do you know karate? Mikasa? Are you a samurai?” She went back to her angry shouting, “how about you try and actually get to KNOW a culture next time before you go and insult it with your stupid insensitive BULLSHIT!” She drew her blade. “Oh, but let’s face it. That’s probably asking WAY too much considering the dumb shit you’ve piled on me all these past three years.” She raised her blade, “in that case, feel free to have a taste of your own medicine you muffit-fucking, cracker-loving flavored honky tonk Krispy Kream Pillsbury donut cupcake white-supremacist snowflake MOTHERFUCKERS!”

“YOOO!” everyone cheered for Mikasa, the supreme Asian war goddess. 

“But holy shit, 3 years? You weren’t kidding about the girls dorm,” Armin joked.

Armin blinked in amazement.

“You seem so proud,” Eren smirked at Armin. The other man giggled in agreement.

“ARE. THERE. ANY. MORE. QUESTIONS.”

The loud one dared to speak, “WHY ARE YOU SO RACIST?”

“HOW ABOUT YOU FUCK OFF!” Mikasa finally shouted back. Everyone looked at her. 

“...sorry about that,” she buried her head into Eren’s shoulder, nearly dying from the embarrassment.

Back at base, titans were seen all over the tower, trying to get in and eat the supply squad. Hip hop played in the background.

A cadet whimpered as he looked out the window, and teared up in fear as he saw a titan look directly at him.

“Hey guys,” said another, “Great news.  Found a way for us to escape the titans.” 

“What’s that?” asked the third male soldier.

The second proceeded to put a loaded rifle in his mouth and shot it. Blood landed on the cheek of the female soldier next to the now dead guy. She gasped at the action.

“Oh,” Jean remembered when he first crashed through the window into that room and saw the body but to actually see that cadet willingly commit suicide in front of his comrade? His stomach started doing flips.

“Oh man that was fucked up,” the third guy said with a casual tone.

“Eh, I’ve seen worse,” Levi shrugged the blanket off and folded it back onto the back of the couch.

Jean opened his mouth but then thought about it and closed his mouth. No doubt he’s seen some fucked up shit. Being from the Underground and being a soldier, Levi had probably seen more shit than all the cadets combined...Except Eren because Attack titan memory powers, but they don’t talk about that.

Back with Mikasa, a female voice narrated, “try as she might, nothing Mikasa could do could make the cadets follow her. Nearing defeat, she tried her last tactic.”

“Alright, whoever gets to the training ground first gets to sleep with me,” Mikasa said before jumping off the roof and making her way over to the titan infested base.

Mikasa’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened comically as she stood up quickly. “W-WHAT?” she squeaked. “I-I-I er-”

“Hey, if the offer extends to this world, I’m always down for-ACK” Jean was silenced by Historia’s fist to his gut. Eren coaxed the flustered woman back into her seat and internally raged.

“Okay, but is anyone gonna take the bait? Aren’t they more interested in being racist?” asked Armin. 

“I don’t know but it’ll give answers to that one guy who wanted to know about her genital anatomy,” Hange pointed out.

“Can we stop?” Mikasa gave a muffled whine from under her scarf.

“It’s ok Mikasa,” Connie said. “Since this is following what happened in real life, you probably won’t be sleeping with anyone.” Sasha whacked him upside the head.

“Wait what?” Jean stood up. “Could it be? Is my moment finally at hand?” 

“Sina’s saggy tits Kirstein, why are you horny on main?” Levi scrunched his nose at the mullet-haired man.

He looked down, “Eren is dead. Mikasa is supple and waiting.”

“You wish he was dead,” Armin teased. “That way Mikasa wouldn’t have a reason to say no.”

“Armin, I’m right here,” Eren pouted. 

“Oh shut up and let Mikasa baby you.”

“I don’t baby him,” she protested at the same time Eren said, “you really need to stop that...”

Armin nodded to Eren then raised an eyebrow at Mikasa, “you literally put him on your lap and rocked him to sleep.”

“...touché.”

“Attention cadets,” Jean raised his blade. “You wanna die here or live and have hard sex with Mikasa? I know my choice. FORWARD!” Then he ran off toward Mikasa with Connie in tow.

“Sex with Mikasa?!” asked a random female cadet.

“That’s like...my one life goal,” a random male declared.

“Okay, that’s it. Who else wants to sleep with me?!” Mikasa shouted but no one reacted. “I’m not seeing any hands and I know the answer is at least 1!” She glowered at Jean.

Jean raised his hand...along with Connie and Sasha. Looking behind her she saw Armin and...Eren?! Well, his hand was about 30cm (or a foot if you are so inclined) above his lap, but the motion was there. 

“Wow. This is less than I thought,” said Hange, adjusting their glasses.

“Historia’s only got eyes for Ymir, and Levi is like family so no, this is the maximum I expected,” Mikasa sighed and sat back down, groaning under her breath.

“We could die together!”

“I’ll be her favorite terracotta warrior!”

The soldiers all cheered.

“Alright Annie,” said Reiner, “we can continue this at the armory. Better not PUSS out when we get there though.”

“And Reiner is still at it,” Armin rolled his eyes.

The cadets screamed in delight for Mikasa as they ran off toward the base.

Elsewhere, Mikasa went forth and slaughtered any titan in her path.

Jean watched from behind, “MIKASA you are a goddess!”

“Sloppy seconds!”

“Sloppy fourths!”

“I just wanna liiiive.”

Armin exhaled through his nose, “that’s a mood.”

“At least they're motivated,” Hange shrugged.

Mikasa glared, “yeah, at my expense.”

“To be fair, you look kinda dead inside,” Connie brought up.

Connie looked up at Mikasa, “look at that ASS!” The scene shifted to Mikasa who was flying through the air with a large stream of gas behind her. “SERIOUSLY! If you’re a guy there’s no way to notice anything else right now.”

“Watch me prove you wrong,” Armin said, remembering this as the moment Connie noticed her speed and how she was just using too much gas.

Armin looked up in horrified thought, ‘look at that gas! She’ll run out in no time!’

“Called it,” Armin smirked.

“Did I count you, though?” Connie then got slapped by Sasha.

Armin continued, “and once she does, I’ll lose the only female friend that tolerates me.”

“But we love you, Armin!” Historia reassured and went to give the young man a hug. Then the others of the 104th all piled on the poor blonde, hugging him for a good minute before sitting back down. 

Mikasa’s back arched from the force of the high gas pressure. Then suddenly the stream was cut off and she somersaulted in the air as she fell. Armin’s eyes widened in reaction as she crashed to a rooftop, forcefully ejecting her blades.

“NO!!” Armin immediately maneuvered toward his friend.

Jean looked over to Mikasa, “you graceful Asian swan.” 

“Jean!” Connie shouted behind himself, “if Mikasa dies, no one is getting laid.” He turned to follow Armin and looked back one last time to Jean, “I’m gonna save her!”

‘Damn it!’ Jean cursed to himself. ‘Mikasa said the first one to the training hall gets to sleep with her. No other conditions,’ he gritted his teeth but continued forward. ‘You can go save her Connie, but I am getting to that training hall!’

“...”

“Historia, what are you doing with that tray?”

“...”

“God fuck! Not my head! ACK!” Jean yelped as the tray connected with the back of his head.

“Dick move bro. Dick move,” Connie shook his head with a hand on the other man’s shoulder.

A diagram of the ODM gear was captioned: Fuckin’ magnets...how do they work? Some swirly bullshit; The central unit is powered by a potent mix of urine and hope; Look at this nerd diagram; The side arms are made out of tinkertoys; Gizmos n bullshit.

Another diagram of the trigger and gas canister was captioned: Getting eaten by titans is more fun when you’re high.

“Amen to that,” Armin took a sip from his juice box.

Jean looked over into the distance at the Trost base from a rooftop. A high pitched whimper drew his attention to the ground. Tom stood there with gear that was jammed, trying not to shit himself.

“If you’re happy and you know it, shoot some gas,” Tom sang shakily, shooting gas twice to the melody of the song.

‘Damn it! They’ve got Happy-Tom!’ Jean gritted his teeth. Titans started walking toward poor Tom.

Tom turned and bared his blades at the giants and protested in a high pitch, “NO! BAD TITANS!”

Jean winced, ‘if he dies, how will we maintain morale?!’ 

“Morale? Who's morale? I don’t know her,” Armin said with a smile. 

“We all die. You either kill yourself or get killed.” Then Connie began breakdancing softly while saying, “whatcha gon’ do?”

Then a cadet zoomed behind Jean to go help Tom. “TOM, KEEP THINKING HAPPY! IT KEEPS US STRONG!”

In the hands of a titan, Tom shook his head with tears and snot all over his face, “NOT HAPPY! NOT HAPPY!”

“THINK POSITIVE!” the cadet encouraged. Tom protested faster and even more high pitched.

The cadet repeated, “THINK POSITIVE!” but was grabbed out of the air by the other unoccupied titan.

A wave of spine-tingling fear washed over Jean as he watched the scene play out. The recently captured cadet crunched in the hand of the titan and blood streamed down to the ground. Jean gaped.

Eren snorted. “...what? He had it coming,” he shrugged the others’ stares off casually.

“I’m so happy,” Tom whimpered as the titan’s maw came closer and closer before a scream followed by a haunted string sound effect was.

The scene changed and Mikasa was seen in an alley, laying on a tarp. She raised her broken blade to the sky. ‘I lived a good life...wait, no, that’s a lie!’

“Eh, you’ve only spent a third of your life without parental figures and general good living. That’s not horrible,” said Hange. “That’s pretty tame from what I’ve heard about the Underground. Hint hint, nudge nudge.” The gently elbowed Levi.

“No circle time. What does this look like, a goddamn daycare?” Levi shuffled away from the offending appendage, careful not to go on top of Historia. He wasn’t about to spill his guts yet. No that’s for another time.

But yes, this was a daycare-

Mikasa slid off the top of the fruit stand to her knees, her expression blank. ‘But at least there were some moments of good,’ she reminisced. ‘Like Eren always fucking up in adorable ways. And the look on Armin’s face when we rescued him from the bullies.’

The ground shook as a titan approached from around the corner.

“I,” Mikasa searched for the right words, but settled for putting it plainly. “I wanted to die in that moment.” There really was no sugar coating it.

“...Well now we know that being suicidal is a Shiganshina thing I guess,” said Connie.

“Yup. No sense dwelling on that now,” Armin stretched his arms above his head into a streamline position.

Mikasa closed her eyes as she waited. ‘Those were some good times.’ As the titan’s hand came closer to her she felt something getting triggered within her body.

“Is that …?” Levi recalled what Kenny told him. The Ackerman clan and its strength. Mikasa was no doubt experiencing the hold their bloodline had over them. Strong but cripplingly instinctual. 

“Can I do some tests?” Hange pleaded to the captain and Mikasa.

“No.”

“Just one-”

“NO!”

‘Wait...’ Mikasa paused. ‘NO, I did NOT get 100% COMPLETION IN SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS TO BE TAKEN DOWN BY A CANDY-ASS GIANT LIKE YOU!’ Mikasa’s body moved instinctually and slashed the titan’s fingers before jumping away from the swing of the other hand’s attempt to catch her.

“Mikasa here is savage as fuck,” Connie said. “This is the most I’ve heard her roast anything in my life and it hasn't even been an hour.”

The titan attempted again to catch her but Mikasa was instead thrown against a wall. The uninjured hand tried yet again but Mikasa was thrown to the side, sliding on her side across the ground. She looked at the ground in defeat.

“If you wanted to die so badly, why are you dodging?” asked Historia.

“I don’t...actually know? I just felt something inside me moving my body. Something that made me keep fighting,” Mikasa struggled to put it into words.

The scene randomly went to a pomegranate that was on the ground. Probably left there among the chaos that was the evacuation. Mikasa got up and saw the fruit that was seemingly illuminated by a spotlight.

“That seems like a weird thing to focus on. Mikasa’s instincts are going one-on-one against the titan and the most significant thing to focus on is a fruit?” Jean asked.

“Don’t diss pomegranates,” Mikasa crossed her arms. “They’re fucking awesome.”

“They stain your hands just like blood too!” said Armin.

“...yes but why did you feel the need to say that?” asked Jean.

The blonde shrugged, “we were lacking in commentary from my messed-up self.”

The titan got closer and closer, forcing Mikasa to step back but as she went to go up the steps another titan came from around the corner. Both walked toward the girl.

“How did you survive that?!” Hange stared at the impossible situation before them.

Mikasa brushed off the concern. “Wait for it.”

“Oh, so that’s how it is?!” she yelled at the titan who tried to eat her and readied her blade. The sun began to peek out through the retreating clouds and illuminated the tears in her eyes which she refused to let fall. “COME AND GET SOME YOU COCK HUNGRY MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Eren’s titan stepped close to Mikasa and launched her up into the air before taking a swing at the other titan, sending the bastard flying.

“So there,” Mikasa said.

“Huh. I don’t remember that,” Eren played back the scene in his head.

Mikasa put her hand on his. “You saved me that time, just like you’ve always wanted right? I was vulnerable and you were the one to save me.” She tilted her head and grinned.

“Now kiss!” Historia gave a scheming grin. Both of them sputtered and pushed away from each other.

Mikasa skid across the ground with her arm protectively over her head. The pure titan created a dust cloud as it slid. When she stopped, Mikasa grunted and looked up before gasping at the impossible sight.

The titan was fighting its own kind. 

The skin around its cheeks ripped apart as it opened its jaws to roar victoriously, stomping the pure titan to death. 

“That was so metal,” said Connie. “Even without being self-aware Eren is a badass.”

“A subconscious badass,” Armin reiterated.

“More titan behaviors!!” Hange squealed.

Mikasa watched in amazement for a moment before Armin swung by and grabbed her, swinging them ungracefully both onto a nearby rooftop. 

“Did you slip on shit on your way there or did you shit yourself so hard you couldn’t stick the landing? What was that?” Levi berated them.

Hange thought for a bit, “that was better, but you’re still on a losing streak with the good one-liners.”

“Damn it Hange, it’s not my fault! I already used all the good ones back when they were fresh meat.”

“I’m just surprised Shadis didn’t come over and murder you both after what he said during training,” said Jean.

“What did he say?” asked Historia.

“Something to effect that he would murder us all if our ODM skills didn’t remind him of Peter Pan performed by the cast of Cirque du Soleil.”

“At least I saved Mikasa,” Armin pointed his finger at the horse-faced man. “You ran away like a lil bitch! You make Eren seem like fuckin’ Superman.”

“Wait, who’s Superman? Another titan shifter??” Hange’s glasses tinted.

“Fictional hero that has super powers that make him seem invincible,” said Eren.

“Mikasa,” Armin was relieved, “we made it!”

Connie swung in and stuck his landing a million times better. “There you are! Anyone hurt?”

“See. Graceful as fuck!” Levi said.

“We’re fine,” Armin confirmed. 

Connie stood up. “Well then come on.”

Another titan lumbered over. 

“SHIT, TWO TITANS. WE’RE SCREWED!” Connie said.

Mikasa frowned, “no, that titan seems to only attack other titans.”

“That is quite possibly the least logical thing I would’ve ever heard if it weren’t for you Eren titan,” Hange giggled. 

“At least my response was logical,” said Connie. “What if that titan wasn’t Eren and it was just an abnormal protecting its kill?”

“What an interesting concept!” Hange proceeded to write out the various hypotheticals in their notebook.

Armin looked down widely at the steaming titan corpse on the ground. ‘Cool’

“YOU THINK SO TOO!” Hange’s eyes sparkled in delight.

“Eh, I meant more of the titan-killing-another-titan part. I mean, did you see how Eren just kept going even after it was clearly dead?” Armin grinned and hummed dramatically.

Eren-titan stood in a fighting stance and the John Cena theme began to play.

“NO WAY!” Mikasa said in disbelief.

“Holy shit!” Connie agreed.

The titan laughed, “this n**** think he John Jones. Look at yo bitch-ass face. Watch me go GSB on yo bitch ass. I’m gonna beat that booty-” Eren swung his palm and decapitated the nonbeliever.

“...”

“What?” Eren looked at all the eyes that were on him.

“And you couldn’t nab Reiner?” Jean asked with playful disappointment.

“That man is built different. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“I swear, that guy just can’t die. Curse of Ymir be damned,” Connie rubbed the back of his neck with his eyes closed.

The titan head collided with a tower a few streets away as a male voice announced, “TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR.”

The trio watched as the tower’s roof crumbled. The titan head squished and slotted itself within the tower. Eren-titan scanned the area for more titans.

“He’s not like the others,” stated Mikasa. “He’s so strong, and muscly...and hot.”

“Well Jean, you tried your best,” Connie patted the sulking man’s shoulder, “but even as a titan, Eren continues to steal Mikasa’s heart. Maybe it’s time to think about moving on.”

“It’s okay Mikasa. There’s always ritual seppuku,” Armin tried to comfort his thoroughly embarrassed friend.

Mikasa shook her head, “seppuku wouldn’t save me from whatever you all choose to put on my gravestone.”

“...”

“You could at least tell me I’m wrong, Jesus!”

Connie furrowed his eyebrows, “Mikasa, it’s literally a giant dick-less Ken doll with an emo haircut.” 

“Well you guys talk shit about girls all the time,” Mikasa argued, “why is it that when I talk about a guy suddenly it’s not OK?”

“Yeah, those are human,” he tried to reason, “women, NOT TITANS. No one here wants to FUCK A TITAN but YOU Mikasa!”

“Heh, I’d tap that,” Hange grinned, leaning back and resting an arm on the back of the couch while crossing their legs.

“Yeah, but we already knew that,” shrugged Levi. “No one else would be crazy enough to think of that but you.”

“How would that work though? They don’t have genitals,” said Jean.

Armin gasped, “I bet they could put their tongues to good use. Or if they were 7 meters and below they could fing-”

“And this discussion is over!” Levi snapped, causing everyone to deflate.

“...y'all are weird,” Sasha put her plate down on the coffee table and refilled her cup with water.

Armin looked off into the distance, “a giant ravenous woman bid on the destruction of mankind? Speak for yourself, Connie.” 

“...It’s Annie isn’t it,” Eren wasn’t asking.

“...”

“Well?”

“Oh go screw Mikasa!”

“Damnit, Armin, it’s not like that!” Mikasa nearly growled.

“But you wish it was!” Armin taunted.

“Shut up!” both Eren and Mikasa yelled. Everyone else was just enjoying that tea.

“I never said I wanted to bang a titan,” Mikasa glared at Connie.

“Doesn’t matter,” Connie replied. “Your fantasizing about the titan is just WRONG.”

“But not for Armin. I see how it is,” Mikasa caved and followed the joke.

“That’s the spirit! And everyone has settled for ignoring me it seems,” Armin shrugged.

“Oh yeah?” Mikasa began, “well it’s not like I’ve many options. Tell me, what’s a girl supposed to dream about? YOU Connie? With your little dwarf biceps?”

“Shut down before I could ask, but hey, I respect that,” Connie raised a hand toward her.

“I respect you for respecting my decision,” nodded Mikasa.

“I respect your respect for my respect for you.”

“...I respect your respectfulness toward my respect for your respecting me.”

“Dear god, we get it!” Jean was clawing at his hair, nearly ripping out a chunk.

“Or...” Mikasa was reminded of the other boy on the roof, “ARMIN?”

“YES!” the blonde nodded.

“Yes!” Armin shouted at the same time as his younger counterpart.

“NO!” Connie shouted back.

“No!” Connie simultaneously shouted as well.

“Just look at him,” Mikasa ignored them both as the scene panned to Eren’s titan form, “that chiseled chest. That rebellious face.”

“OH YEAH? LOOK AT THAT. MAYBE IF YOU’RE REAL NAUGHTY, EMO TITAN WILL SPANK YOU WITH THAT RATTY SCARF.”

Mikasa closed her eyes to focus on that mental image. “Oh my god, yes, that would be so hot.”

Mikasa thought about it then gave a reluctant sigh. “Hange, how feasible would that even be? He bitch slapped a titan’s head off. Who’s to say he won’t flatten me?”

Eren gave an offended noise and put his hand on his chest, “I got better!”

“Eloquent as always, Jäger,” Levi looked up and rolled his eyes then shook his head.

“Wait, Mikasa,” Connie stopped shouting, “when’s the last time you washed that thing?”

“Don’t you even DARE look at me like that. I already TOLD you I wash it with the rest of my laundry!” Levi raised an eyebrow at her outburst but didn’t say anything.

Mikasa’s jaw dropped as she continued to visualize.

“MIKASA!”

She snapped out of her daze, “WHAT?”

“When was the last time you washed that scarf?” Connie shouted, enunciating each word.

“Never!”

“Hold on short stack!” Hange curled their arms under the captain’s armpits to lift him by the shoulders. He could get out if he wanted to but this was Hange. They were literally the only other vet that was alive.

Nevertheless, Levi struggled, “I fucking new it!”

“That’s not true!” Mikasa tried but no one believed her except her trio since they are the only ones who’ve seen her wash the poor thing. Eren was honestly surprised how it was holding up considering he gave it to her 10 years ago and it has survived the military to boot.

“I fucking don’t believe that!” Levi continued. “It needs to be washed at least 5 times and sanitized twice as much.”

“Isn’t washing and sanitizing the same thing?” Sasha asked.

“No,” Levi shouted at the same time Eren sighed the word. Levi stopped struggling so Hange let go and watched as he situated himself before going back to their spot.

Connie closed his eyes and shuddered before looking back at the girl, “WHAT??”

Levi crossed his arms and glared, “my thoughts exactly. How much disease is even in that thing besides all the filth? The only washing it got was probably that rain from earlier and rainwater isn’t even purified like boiled water.”

“Go kiss your Windex!” Mikasa snapped.

“Maybe I will! It certainly would be better and more cleanly than whatever scarf filth you’ve been harboring around your neck!”

Both Ackermans huffed, realizing this could last forever and everyone would just let it.

Because Ackerman supremacy was also a thing.

Armin looked at the titans, “I feel like a dirty little vacuum cleaner.”

“Pfft!” practically everyone was caught off guard, though they should have known by now, quickly dissolving into hysterical laughter.

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Levi rolled his eyes as if he didn’t just laugh his ass off. 

“What are you vacuuming up? Or why a vacuum?” asked Hange, shoulders still trembling.

“This is other-worldly Armin we’re talking about. Anything is possible when it comes to the fucked up things inside that deceptively innocent-looking head of his,” answered Eren. “Look,” Eren pointed to the screen, “he seems to be off in his own world anyways. So who knows?”

“YOU’RE TELLING ME,” Connie took a breath, “FOR AT LEAST THE PAST FIVE YEARS, YOU HAVEN’T WASHED OR CHANGED THAT SCARF ONCE!?”

“It was given to me by someone special,” she answered vaguely. “Now shut up. I’m trying to mentally picture something.”

“Is it Eren who'll spank you with the scarf?” Connie grinned almost like a creeper.

“I bet she’d probably spank Eren, actually,” said Historia. “They seem to have that dynamic already with her constant mothering.”

“He thinks he’s an adult, but he’s just a large child that was forced to grow up too soon.” Armin added bitterly, “we all were.”

“Eren’s just trying his best,” Mikasa agreed.

“...so can I speak for myself or...? Yes?” Eren looked for any objections. “I have bottom energy, I admit, but why did you have to call me out like that?”

“It’s okay Eren. If I were gay I’d totally want to get railed by you,” said Connie.

Sasha nodded and hummed at the appealing idea, “you’d have to get in line behind at least two guys for me though.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Connie emphasized each word, not sure if even that would convey his disgust. “Can you imagine how dirty that thing is? It must be crawling with every kind of bug possible.”

“Evidently not,” argued Mikasa. “Everyone would probably see that.”

“Ruffletrump!” Armin cuts in enthusiastically.

“IT WARMS THE DARKNESS OF MY SOUL. GOT ANYTHING LIKE THAT, CONNIE?” Mikasa growled back.

“NO!” Connie tries to calm down a bit, “but at least I’m not like captain smallpox blanket here, walking around with my dirty rags like some mangy fucking dog.” 

“By the walls, I think I’m gonna be sick,” Mikasa tugged the scarf off and laid it on her lap.

‘My thoughts exactly,’ Levi thought. He didn’t outwardly show his disgust since he was sure that if he did he might actually have gagged.

“How many kids have you killed with scarf disease?” asked Connnie.

“Well considering you all are brats there, how many cadets do you think you’ve killed?” Levi asked dryly.

“I’m sure there are worse things. Eren for example had his weekly injections for all the STDs that titan powers eradicated so who knows what other interesting things each of the cadets may have been carrying,” there was a glint in Hange’s glasses. “If only I could just get a sample!” they leaned toward the screen with a large grin.

“Well, Mikasa’s probably immune since she wears the scarf like 24/7. The other cadets probably were benefited with a superior immune system through exposure, making us the superior sex,” shrugged Historia. “Either that or she isn’t immune, and she just wears it out of spite toward her own immune system.”

Mikasa sighed.

“That scarf is probably saturated with her dead skin cells,” Armin quickly turned to the girl, “MIKASA PLEASE LET ME GET A WHIFF.”

Mikasa held out her scarf. “You still want to?”

Armin paused and accepted her offer. “...yeah, I don’t know what I was expecting but nice perfume.”

“Thanks?” She didn’t use perfume. Was he being nice or did he not know? What???

Mikasa had finally had it with their comments and questions, “BOTH OF YOU FUCK OFF, I HAVE FANTASIES TO THINK ABOUT!”

“BUT MIKASA...” Armin argued weakly.

“Wow Armin, that’s the least intelligent thing I’ve heard you say in a while,” Jean said. “It’s not enough to cover up Captain’s losing streak though.”

“...”

“And now I’m shutting up. You have wonderful comebacks by the way, Captain!”

“FACE IT, ARMIN. NONE OF US ARE GETTING WHAT WE WANT TODAY.” said Connie. 

“But...but...” Armin struggled to find the right words. “I AM A STEAMING CAULDRON OF SEXUAL NEEDS AND DESIRES RIGHT NOW,” Armin screamed at the other two.

“Is it weird to find Armin’s angry yelling attractive?” said Jean. “The content is strange but looking past that,” he gave a chef’s kiss.

“I could get behind that,” agreed Eren.

Mikasa snorted. “You wouldn’t last 5 minutes into one of his psychologically damaging speeches.”

“...bet.”

“As much as you all say that, I got nothing right now,” Armin shook his head. “No one has pissed me off yet so I don’t really have the motivation to give such a speech.”

“Oh. A pity,” said Mikasa.

“SHUT UP, ARMIN. I’M TRYING TO FUCKING CONCENTRATE,” Mikasa replied.

Connie turned to Mikasa, “and what about me?” Leaning in he screamed in her face, “I CAME HERE BECAUSE I WANT YOU.”

“AND I WANT THAT TITAN.”

“AND I WANT A WOOL SOCK!” Armin pitched in. “...aw shit did I just say that out loud?”

“I can make you one!” said Hange, holding up a random set of double pointed needles and white yarn.

Armin put his hands up as if surrendering, “no I’m fine!”

“But-”

“No wait. Let them. It might save us from the discovery brief,” Historia whispered to Levi.

Levi nodded in thanks, “Hange, just make everyone a pair.”

“That’s a great idea!” Hange quickly casted on the stitches and began working the stitches.

“I knew it, Mikasa,” Connie smirked, “you DO want to fuck a titan!”

Mikasa glared, “YOU KNOW WHAT, CONNIE? YEAH, I DO. I WANNA BANG THAT TITAN SO HARD! AND I WANT YOU TO WATCH! JUST SO YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU’RE MISSING!”

“I will now begin to assimilate with the couch. Please do not need me for anything. Ever,” Mikasa proceeded to slump down to her side and curled up in a fetal position.

The scene zoomed in on Connie’s face. “YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT’S A DRAWBACK!”

“GO FUCK YOURSELF,” Mikasa retorted.

Sasha giggled, “he’s already tried that.”

“Sasha, you promised to never tell anyone!” Connie yelled at the brunette.

“How does she know in the first place?” asked Eren.

“Connie, Sasha and I, we played a lot of truth or dare,” Jean answered.

Connie unhooked his gas and inhaled some before putting it back. “Oh look at me,” he taunted in a high pitched voice, “my name’s Mikasa and I can’t control my raging ovaries.”

Mikasa drew her blade and pointed it at the stoned boy, “ok, I’m done. Say one more word god damn it. I will fucking kill you! Say one more word.”

“He's gonna do it just to spite you now,” Sasha pointed at the screen with her fork.

Mikasa sighed, “yeah, I know...”

“...”

“That’s what I thought.”

“...” Then Connie smirked, “bitch.”

The ending credits played.

It took a second for them all to register but everyone laughed at that. Some most definitely harder than others.

“Haha!” said Sasha, “called it!”

Notes:

Chapters written: 9 out of 19 and I'm 21 pages into episode 10 (about 7 minutes in) It's already the length of the first chapter! 😅

At this rate, chapter 10 is gonna be the length of three chapters so as a heads up, I won't upload new chapters until three weeks (or however many chapter lengths it ends up being) after I upload chapter 10 to make up for lost time and keep the nice evenness of 1 chapter per week.

*Edit: June 19, 2021*
I'm 2/3 finished with chapter 10! Hopefully I'll have it done in a week and then start on season 2. If you haven't already, I strongly recommend signing up for the A Slap on Titan patreon if you have the funds! (The lowest tier is just $3 and includes discord benefits!)

Chapter 8: Episode 8: Assault on the Armory

Summary:

In which Historia is done with the EreJeanKasa discourse, Armin receives a traditional Shiganshina punishment, and everyone ignores Mikasa.

Then there's EreMinKasa discourse-

Notes:

If you get the ygotas references, praise the walls.

Hange wiped the tears of joy off their face. “Oh god. Let’s all take a minute.”

The middle couch nodded as they all took a tea break to soothe their abused throats.

“And now, back to watching this shit show,” said Levi.

“Hey, you’re getting your groove back,” Hange gave him a playful nudge. Levi rolled his eyes with a slight upward twitch of his lips.

The opening played and faded back to Armin, Connie and Mikasa on the rooftop. Armin transferred the rest of his gas to Mikasa. 

“Here you go,” Armin finished the transfer, “there’s about a third left. It should get you there.” He stared at his reflection in one of Mikasa’s broken blades he picked up after giving her his spares, “just leave me your blades so I can commit ritual seppuku.”

Mikasa walked over, grabbing the blade and then tossed it over the edge. 

Armin’s eyes grew wide, “but...Mikasa...Why?!”

She put her hand on top of his and held it gently, “Armin...I’m the only Asian here.” 

Armin turned to face his friend.

“If anyone’s committing seppuku, it’s me. Besides,” she reasoned, “you’d fuck it up.”

“Do YOU even know how to commit seppuku, Mikasa?” asked Armin. 

“Well Armin, now that you mention it, I suppose I don’t,” she put her fist to her chin as she thought about what it even entailed. She knew it was honorable suicide but how was that different from regular suicide?

“Self-disembowelment by sword,” Eren explained helpfully.

“Why do you know, like, everything Eren??” Sasha asked, intrigued but also a bit terrified.

“...titan powers.”

Historia nodded, “can confirm.”

Armin protested, “but I practiced the motions and everything!”

Connie stepped forward and ordered in the other boy’s face, “shut up and hop on my back. You’re riding bitch Armin!”

“Not again!” Armin said as Connie pulled him by the hand.

“When was the first time??” asked Sasha, pulling the dried mango out. 

“I don’t know but I bet it probably had something to do with Reiner,” Eren replied. 

“Says the guy that’s always carried by his fake sister,” Armin countered.

“That was one time!” Eren protested.

“Mikasa?”

She held up all fingers on both hands.

“See? I can always rely on someone to tell the truth around here,” Armin said.

Eren pouted.

Mikasa, Connie and Armin all run to the edge of the roof. 

“Head out. We’re taking Casanova Titan with us too,” said Mikasa as the scene faded. 

Armin nudged Eren’s ribs, “it’s almost like you have your own harem. You have Mikasa for sure (Mikasa gave an offended noise), Connie is like a maybe (‘honestly you might be right,’ said Connie), Jean because the fangirls appreciate your rivalry (‘those women who write weird fiction are scary,’ Jean shuddered), Levi because Eren was your biggest fan and I’m not supposed to say this but he might have enjoyed that little smackdown in court (Eren gave a murderous glare as Levi massaged his temples, mumbling a mantra of ‘what the fuck’) and me.”

Everyone gave him a look.

“Hey, I almost killed myself because Eren was swallowed in my place. If that doesn’t count for something then I don’t know what you all are on,” Armin justified. Eren looked up then pursed his lips and nodded with a shrug.

Jean stared at the titans as they devoured Tom, ‘no, happy Tom is dead. Without his chipper step and unflappable cheer, how will we survive? This is the end.’ He closed his eyes.

“If we reacted like that with every death, Marley would have killed us all by wall destruction,” said Levi.

Realization washed over Jean. ‘Wait,’ he snapped his eyes open, ‘no, the titans are distracted. THIS IS IT. THIS IS OUR CHANCE!’

“Thankfully I snapped out of it,” said Jean. Levi snorted.

“Cadets!” Jean shouted to the rest of the surviving cadets, “did you all get soft seeing our comrade fall? Well you can die here! I have an empire to build! ONWARDS!”

“And now we are reminded of his douchebaggery,” Eren said. 

“And what about you? You haven’t had any screen time since an hour ago,” Jean replied with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh no. If this follows what we all remember, it’ll probably segway into the whole Captain Woermann thing,” Eren groaned, covering his face.

“Oh yeah, I heard about that,” Hange said as they grabbed a juice box.  

“TOWARDS MONEY!!!” Jean made another break for the armory. Marco and Sasha followed first then the warrior trio and the rest.

“Damn, you really wanna fuck Mikasa. I admire your commitment,” said Historia.

Jean choked on his water. “No!...Maybe...yeah.”

“I think I have a solution,” Everyone turned to Armin, “Jean, Eren and Mikasa all date each other at the same time.”

“Well fuck. I think Jean is having a bi awakening,” Connie waved a hand in front of Jean’s face but got no response.

“You good there bud?” Hange asked slowly. They set aside the notebook and leaned toward Jean, who was still in a daze.

“...I...I guess?” Jean said after a few minutes. 

Eren raised an eyebrow, “Really?”

“If it’ll get you two to stop fighting you should!” Sasha encouraged. “Also, how do you eat this?” She held up a spiky plant that had a yellowish body and stiff green leaves shooting from the top.

“I got it,” Eren reached over Mikasa and grabbed the pineapple, twisting off the top and separating each module and cutting off the skin. He set the fruit pieces on a plate and handed it over to Sasha. She grabbed a piece and stuck it in her mouth.

“This is pretty good but-AH,” she lunged for her water and chugged the glass.

“Oh yeah. I knew I was forgetting something,” Eren said. “This is pineapple: the fruit that eats you back.”

“Let me try!!!” Hange grabbed the plate Jean had passed over and ate a piece. “The tingling sensation! The slight numbing pain! Is it the acidity?” Hange asked Eren, who was a walking encyclopedia of the world at this point.

He rolled his eyes, “there’s an enzyme that breaks down skin cells in the pineapple fruit.”

“Rose’s flat ass, why did humanity decide to eat flesh-eating plants,” Levi sighed.

‘Happy Tom’s demise gives us the chance to escape,’ Jean thought as he ran along the rooftops. ‘May the walls bless you, you unnaturally jovial fuck.’

“At least Jean gave his respects,” then Connie added, “even though he’s just trying to rule the walls.”

“My empire would be glorious!” Jean laughed at the ridiculous thought. The island was such a small part of the world, it seemed like a waste to hole himself on it rather than explore the world after they finally resolved the war.

“TO GLORY!” Jean cried, the other cadets whooshing behind him.

Elsewhere, Mikasa made her way and killed any titans that were in the way to help Connie maneuver safely behind her with Armin in his arms. 

A bell dings twice and two announcers, Martin and Jim, commentated on Eren’s feats.

“Now the crowd is going wild out there, Jim. We haven’t seen titan-on-titan action like this since we leaked Hulk Hogan’s private hentai collection!” Martin said over the cheers as Eren punched a titan to oblivion. 

“What’s hentai?” asked Historia. 

‘Oh you sweet innocent bean, who has ironically had sex,’ Eren gave a strained sigh, lips pressed into a thin line as he breathed into his cupped hands. “No.”

“Wha-?”

“Please no,” Armin reiterated. Don't ask him why Bert knew about that shit.

Connie swung behind Eren as the titan continued its assault on the pure titan in front of him. 

“Just look at that beat down, wow Martin!” said Jim. “It’s like watching a home video of my Sunday night family dinner!”

“Don’t worry Jim,” reassured Martin, “she may burn everything in the kitchen, but at least she can’t burn the beer!”

“Thank the walls for that and life!”

“Wait, would that include the drinkable liquids in general...besides alcohol?” 

“Oh god, my tea,” Levi held his teacup close to himself, curling into a fetal position like a fucking gremlin protecting its ‘precious.’ He took a noisy and drawn out sip.

“Lev-Le-Captain-Captain Levi!” Hange tried to speak but Levi’s sips progressively got louder. “You got-you-Jesus fuck, you forgot about the other important things! We don’t have the funds to fully replace everything.”

“Shit, that’s even worse. The porcelain!” The man was dead serious.

“Captain, we know you have abandonment issues regarding tea cups but what the fuck,” Historia squinted at the curled form next to her. 

After killing the titan, Eren’s head turned toward the closest prey: the titans at the armory.

“He’s really going and achieving his goal of killing all titans,” said Sasha, grabbing another juice box.

“Nah. They started eating him after like 20 kills, remember?” said Jean.

“...Oh yeah,” she drawled.

“What were you even doing? We were all there!”

“I was hungry!”

‘Come on, come on, COME ON!’ Jean internally chanted as he and a couple other soldiers sped past three titans.

“Gotcha bitch!” a titan grabbed Jean’s leg.

Jean swiftly slashed its finger off to free himself. “No! Fuck you!” The titan reached over but Jean engaged his gear before it could grab him. “MY GREED WILL NOT  BE TAMED!”

Sasha snorted as she passed Historia the sugar cube dish. Historia quietly thanked her and stirred two cubes into her tea. 

Historia took a sip and said to no one in particular, “you think this place has any pomegranate tea?”

“If it has flesh-eating plants and plenty of meat to kill a dog, then I don’t see why not,” Levi replied, uncrossing his legs.

Marco landed on a rooftop beside Jean and ran alongside him. “Hey, Jean! Boy, howdy. If you didn’t believe in miracles, I bet you do now!”

“It wasn’t a miracle,” said Jean, “it was lubrication and will!”

“Marco truly believes himself to be Jesus,” said Jean, frowning at his lap.

“Marco is a ball of sunshine, yes, but you seem a bit too proud of your gear lubrication habit,” Historia looked him up and down from the side of her vision then scrunched her nose and looked forward.

Jean flushed, “It used to get really jammed and that was the only way to fix it!”

“You do realize that too much can rust your internal gears?” Hange asked slowly.

“Of course I know!” But what he didn’t know was what too much was . ‘Oh god, was that why it jammed in Trost,’ Jean felt a wave of chills come over him the more he thought about it.

“That’s nice,” Marco brushed him off, “but now that you’ve had a near death experience, have you considered accepting me as your lord and savior?”

“You’re not a prophet, Marco!” Jean kept running.

“But I am! And one day I will be eaten for your sins!”

Armin’s expression hardened as he let out a bitter snort, “that’s not even remotely true. Marco died because he found out and Reiner gave the order to leave him for dead.”

Eren whipped his head to face Armin, “he what?”

“Yeah.”

Eren ran a hand down his face then cupped his mouth and looked around the room. He stood up, arms falling to his sides, “can we get some bricks or something?” he said to the ceiling.

As if on cue, a small brick wall materialized by the punching bags with a tarp on the floor. Eren walked over calmly and punched a hole through the wall, his fist steaming from the cuts and bruises. Shaking his hand off he swung his knee into the wall, breaking both the wall and his knee cap. Not even flinching, he walked over carefully and sat with a sigh, propping his leg up to ensure proper healing.

“That was a mood but at the same time how are you not in pain?” asked Sasha.

“I literally bite into my hand so hard it bleeds in order to transform,” Eren replied.

“Oh yeah...”

“NO!” Jean refused.

“Accept me into your life!” Marco insisted.

“NO means NO, Marco!”

“Just remember kids,” Hange said with a finger pointed up and the other hand on their hip, “consent is sexy.”

“Amen,” Armin agreed. Reeves’ lackeys need to learn some manners too. If Rod knew about that and it was actually Historia that was captured, Armin didn’t even want to know what would have happened. (If the whole ‘lapping up titan serum’ was any indicator of his craziness.)

Eventually, they were a few streets away from the titan-infested armory. Jean zoomed past some more titans, evading the large hands that tried to grab him as Marco followed behind him. Another soldier that was following screamed as he got closer and closer until the titan’s hand closed around his body and squeezed, blood running down the giant’s hand.

Jean glanced behind himself to check and shouted a curse when he realized that guy was dead. “GOD DAMN IT! MIKASA! HERE I COOOOOOOOOME!” He crashed through one of the side windows and rolled into the room, landing hard on the floor.

“Ah yes. A soldier dies and you see it as less competition,” Connie said.

“So is this poly thing happening or?” Armin gestured to Eren, Jean and Mikasa.

“No,” Mikasa shook her head with a scrunched expression. 

“I guess you’ll have to be content without Mikasa, boys,” said Armin.

Eren leaned over, arching his back as he rested his cheek on Armin’s shoulder. “But Armin,” he pouted, batting his eyelashes. The teal hues of his iris swirled with each of Eren’s breaths.

“Eren, we’re good friends but we’re not friends-to-lovers. I’d be open to other things though,” the blonde wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. The other man on his shoulder blushed, knowing exactly what the smaller was thinking and slowly removed himself from the blonde’s shoulder. 

“Holy shit,” Eren muttered into his palms, trying to calm his racing heartbeat. Yup. Bottom energy.

Glass shattered again as the other cadets followed Jean’s lead.

‘Did I make it?’ Jean looked up and scanned the room, ‘was I the first?’ The other soldiers were more out of breath than he was so he took that as confirmation. ‘Good. Good, it looks like I was. Oh thank the walls, I was so worri-’ someone coughed from under a desk. Jean looked to his left and saw two soldiers hiding in a fetal position. 

“That time when they were there before you,” said Connie. 

“They never left so does that count technically?” Sasha asked.

“Yes,” said Jean.

“How the FUCK did you get here before me?” Jean stared at one of them.

“Wha-what are you talking-” Jean reached over and grabbed the male cadet by the collar then punched him. Marco rushed over and hooked his arms around Jean’s shoulders.

“FUCK YOU,” Jean raged, “Mikasa was mine!”

“I’m really not,” Mikasa said. RIP Jean’s heart.

“Everyone knew I was to be the first! I was to be the one!” Jean continued as the female cadet crouched protectively over her fallen squad mate, “how could you have beaten me? What’s your secret, pawn?!”

“There is no secret!” the female soldier yelled with tears in the corners of her eyes. “We were stationed here and got trapped inside! We’ve been here since the battle started!” The tears streamed down as she closed her eyes.

“Come on, Jean. She probably would have slept with you if you reassured her or something like that,” said Connie.

Historia snapped, “can both of you calm your raging hormones over there?! Nothing funny has happened since Eren showed up and you need to respect that! Eren hasn’t made any weird misogynistic comments-excluding the whole gay thing with Mikasa-and is setting a much better example of teenage boy who can keep his hands to himself.” She punctuated her rant with a huff, crossing her arms.

Connie stared at the queen. “...I agree, but something tells me this is going to become a recurring theme in that other world.”

Jean stared at the girl but his thoughts were cut off by dull thumping sounds coming from outside. A titan blasted away a wall with a headbutt and stared at the fearful cadets inside. Two cadets that were standing there bounced with Mario jump effects as they were blown away. Jean stared at the titan and soon everyone was screaming and trying to get away. 

Jean just stood there with his jaw dropped and eyes wide. ‘No, this is the end. I tried to build an empire but now the walls are crumbling around me! Literally! Remember me, suit vest, as I always was. A douchebag.’

‘These are the brats they placed in my squad,’ Levi mentally face-palmed. ‘Why did literally most of the Survey Corps have to get slaughtered in a matter of months? More importantly, why hasn’t this job killed me already?...Why didn’t it kill Shadis???’

Two titans looked in from the hole in the wall.

“Aww,” the male redneck titan cooed at Jean. “Look at him. So tiny...”

“I just wanna take him back to the trailer park and eat him up!” the female redneck titan agreed.

“I will never look at my village elders the same way again,” Sasha was reminded of her village and the people’s accent. The similarities between that and the titans was creepily uncanny.

“Who’s the cute lil baby? Who’s the cute lil-” In slow motion, a large fist came from the right and connected with the male titan’s face, compressing his and the female’s. 

“Wait what?” Jean flinched at the odd sight.

The scene went back to regular time to show them get launched to the ground.

“There. I just saved your ass Jean. Without me, you all would probably be dead,” Eren shrugged.

Armin gave it some thought, “oh god, he’s right.”

Jean seemed to realize what Armin was getting at, “because that would mean...and Armin...By Maria’s dry-ass pussy.”

“What is it?” asked Hange.

“Eren saved Armin, Connie and Mikasa earlier, right?” said Jean. Then he explained, “after that, Armin came up with a plan that allowed us to get supplies to retreat. I was just going to stand there and get eaten without Eren’s weird behavior to snap me out of it.”

Armin nodded, “and who else would that leave? There were the warriors, Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt, but they would most likely pretend to get eaten and watch everyone else die. Historia had Ymir, so they could probably escape using Ymir’s titan abilities but everyone else would probably be fucked.”

“Well bud, I hope this gives you a lot to think about,” Jean said. ‘You have all of our lives in your hands,’ he wanted to add, but it seemed out of place.

“Aww, shit Cletus,” the female cursed, “he just dropped the shit outta us like a barnyard bust up, are you gonna take that?” Eren-titan stalked over toward the titans he just punched.

“Hell naw, Martha,” said Cletus. “Let a real man handle this. We’s about to rassle!”

Levi’s shoulders shook with silent giggles. ‘As if he could. I’m confident in Eren’s ability to kill a couple pure titans at least.’

The attack titan stopped and let out a loud roar as Jean watched from inside. “By the Walls. It’s a titan. With a massive overbite, and a lame, silly-ass haircut.”

“What do you think of long hair now, Jean?” Eren leaned over with his elbows on his knees and his chis resting on the back of his right hand, the other hand resting on his thigh. The fingers on right hand were relaxed, curving delicately to compliment the soft look of innocence that adorned his features. 

“You want a dress to go with that pose?” Jean asked in annoyance.

Eren pursed his lips and bobbed his head side to side. “...I mean how bad could it be? I already look pretty similar to my mom so may as well follow through.” His clothes not-so-miraculously changed to what appeared to be a barmaid dress with ruffles on the shoulders and chest to hide his masculine figure. The corset was a little uncomfortable but Eren would never let Jean know that...

“...Excuse me,” Connie up and left the room to go take care of...stuff.

“Not bad Jäger,” nodded Levi. 

Hange snickered.

“Hey, you tell me you wouldn’t bang him, cause I totally would.”

“I’m not disagreeing,” Hange then looked to Eren, “how do you feel? Anything clicking?”

“I don’t mind it I guess,” answered Eren after twirling around and examining the cut of the dress.

“You could have hung out with us during girl’s nights!” Sasha was borderline disappointed they didn’t think of that sooner.

“We could finally get a braid train going since Mikasa and Hange cut their hair!” Historia clapped her hands together.

Connie came back looking a little disheveled and with a suspicious redness on his cheeks. “Did I miss anything?”

Historia shrugged, “girls night.”

Mikasa jumped and crashed through another window, followed by Connie carrying a screaming Armin.

“You had to break more windows?” asked Levi.

“We were coming from a different direction. What were we supposed to do?” Mikasa asked. “Waste more gas?”

“...shut up.”

“MY MIDNIGHT GEISHA!” Jean shouted with relief.

“Wow Armin,” Connie knocked on his gas canister. “It’s empty. If I had huffed this just one more time, we wouldn’t have made it.”

“Well perhaps don’t huff it in the first place, just a suggestion,” Levi muttered under his breath.

Jean walked over to Mikasa, “my oriental queen, are you alright? Because, eh, I was the first to reach the armory.”

“Hooray for getting high!” Connie pat Armin’s back as the smaller boy coughed. “And knowing your limits! Ha Ha! This is fucking great!”

“Only you would be happy about getting wasted,” said Jean.

“It's a survival trait. The functional idiots always survive,” said Armin.

“I guess we know why Floch is still here then,” said Eren.

Connie and Sasha wheezed.

Connie turned his head to face Jean, “Jean! Jean!” He stood up, “I got bad for you buddy! Mikasa doesn’t wanna fuck you!” then he pointed toward Eren, “she wants to fuck the titan!”

“Hange, no!” Eren flinched when he felt their breath on his nape. “You literally cannot fuck a titan!”

“What about your hardening? I bet you could do a little something-something with that if you know what I mean,” Hange drooled and made grabby motions.

“No!” Eren hugged himself.

“I got you Eren,” Jean said around a mouthful of chips. Vaulting over the couch, he hooked an arm around the commander’s midsection and picked them up in a fireman's carry before ceremoniously dumping them back by Levi. (Much to his displeasure.)

A female soldier said in the background, “Mikasa wants to bang a titan? How is that possible?”

“Can we fashion an emergency strap-on?” a male soldier asked.

“Yes, logistics!” Hange wrote down the idea and contemplated a few theories.

“What?” Jean was dumbfounded to say the least. They were just gonna accept Mikasa’s desires? “But how could anyone want to bang-”

“Jean,” Mikasa broke him from his train of thought, “the desires I may or may not have are mine and mine alone. Now, if this is going to be a problem, please step closer so I may punch you square in the face.”

“When you try your best but you don’t succeed,” said Connie. “She even threatened you.”

“Connie,” Jean gritted. “Shut. Up.”

Eren knocked down another titan with a left hook, killing it instantly.

“And the emo titan stands alone, ready to defend his title,” said Martin.

“Emo?” Jean scoffed. “The most emo one here is probably, and I mean this with no offence, Captain Levi over here.” He pointed his thumb at the short man.

“Do you even remember what Eren looked like when he first came here though? That was some pretty emo shit,” Connie pointed out. And yeah it most definitely was; Jean just wanted to be right.

“Fair. He’s the literal definition of ‘get a man who can do both’ though,” said Jean.

Eren raised an eyebrow at them both, “I can rock any aesthetic so both of you shut up.”

 Eren roared at the sky, luring more titans toward himself.

“Crack open another one, Jim. This is suiting up to be the best royal rumble yet,” Martin finished.

An image depicting the internal ODM mechanism was labeled: No matter how desperate you get, sticking your dick in moving gears is never worth it.

“Why is everyone looking at me?” asked Connie.

Another image depicting titan classes was labeled: WALL-50M; 60M CLASS-Colossal Titan (aberrant/unknown class) Also known as: Supreme Douchelord, Head Buttfucker, Colossal Dipshit, Midnight Meat Candle, Bitch Tits McGee, “Hey fuck that guy”; 15M CLASS-Giant Asshole; 7M CLASS-Medium Asshole; 5M CLASS-Small Asshole; HUMANS-asshole; Good soldiers remember to smile and praise the king while getting their colon ripped out from their ribcage; Remember: If you see a titan, you’re fucked.

“Petition to make Armin’s nickname: Midnight Meat Candle,” said Connie, “not because it’s mean or anything but like, how hilarious is that title!”

“Connie, we’re friends so I get that,” Armin took a deep breath, “but you’re about to get demoted to B tier.”

The bell dinged three times as the image faded away. Eren’s eyes glinted as he turned on his heel. An abnormal ran toward him and tried to get a hit in but Eren instead grabbed the titan’s arm and flipped the other titan on its back.

“And he armbars the titan that looks like my old math teacher,” said Martin.

“That’s what he gets for likin’ numbers,” Jim replied. 

“I like numbers...” Armin mumbled sadly.

“Me too,” Eren gave Armin a soft pat on the shoulder.

“Me three!” Hange squealed.

“I just wanna go home,” Levi groaned into his palms.

The titan Eren threw slid across the street. “And he squashes the little ones beneath him,” Martin comments on the 5M titans getting crushed by the 15M. Eren gave another glorious roar.

“Wow Marty, this is more one-sided than my last divorce settlement.”

“Yeah, well Jim, you might wanna consider not beating your wives!” Both laughed.

“This is just like noble folk gossip. I swear, I could laugh for hours recalling all of the stories I’ve heard,” Hange laughed at the mere thought of it.

The tiny titans sang as titan-Eren neared, eventually getting punted by him.

Back at base, the soldiers raised the elevator mechanism.

“Dude, Connie,” Reiner chuckled, “you wanna watch while Annie blows me dude? Like, I totally guilt tripped her for not giving me a hand job and upgraded my ticket. Heh heh heh.”

“No, man, why the hell would I wanna see that?” asked Connie.

“Dude, I-I can’t get a hard-on unless someone else is watching. Come on, bruh. Poundtown.”

“What would you even see, though? He only has the tip,” Jean remarked. 

“Oh my god,” Connie wheezed as Sasha coughed violently on the bite of bread she just took. 

“You make a good point, my good sir,” Armin folded his hands in his lap.

Jean stuck his nose up slightly, “why thank you, my good sir.”

“Attention cadets!” shouted Jean in the background, “we’ve got a box of rifles with one round each.” He and a few other cadets walked in with crates of rifles. “Worse, the gas supply is swarming with titans. I’m open to suggestions.”

“Let’s give them all to Mikasa, and build a giant multi-rifle-wielding mech for her,” said a random soldier.

“What is this, a fucking anime? No!” Jean quickly refuted.

“Hey don’t look at me. I don’t know this one,” Eren shrugged. Hange looked around for a note of some kind but oddly enough, nothing appeared.

“Let’s use them to commit suicide!” another suggested cheerfully.

‘A few already did,’ Eren thought with slight boredom.

“NO!”

“LeTs plAY scRabBLE,” a final one yelled.

“Why not?” asked Hange.

“Last time we played Scrabble, you tried to justify that ‘titanese’ was a word,” Levi deadpanned.

“It’s the language of the titans!”

“No, they just scream because they have vocal chords.”

The scene reverse-zoomed on Jean, “no god damn it! Does anyone have any decent ideas?”

“Armin’s got one!” someone yelled.

Jean closed his eyes. “...Dear god...” With a mental sigh, he went with it, “alright, how bad is it?”

“My plans aren’t that bad are they?” Armin asked.

“Well, we’re all still alive so I guess it ain’t all that bad,” Sasha shrugged. There was a growing pile of berries on her plate that just barely kept up with the rate she was consuming them.

Armin knelt down over a map, “it’s an old revenge ceremony I used to enact with dolls. (‘Holy shit this kid is fucked’) In my most elaborate rituals, I would act as if the dolls could see me, and I would stab their eyes out before burning them alive!”

“A man’s gotta vent somehow,” said Armin.

“I mean, it isn’t murder,” Levi shrugged.

“...what?” asked Historia.

“What?” Levi nearly cut her off.

“That’s...” Marco searched for something appropriate to say, “interesting, but...how’s that gonna help us?”

“My thoughts exactly,” said Jean.

“Because you’ll sneak out onto the rafters above them and take them out, right after we shoot them in the eyes!”

“Armin, you have an unhealthy obsession with ocular trauma,” Marco concluded.

The scene zoomed in onto Armin’s face, “it’s like closing off the windows to their souls!”

Levi’s mind was invaded by images of still bodies with lifeless, blank eyes. 

“Heh,” Reiner chuckled, “it looks like Armeen came up with a pretty good plan.”

“You’re the creepiest little shit I’ve ever seen, but hey, not bad,” Annie added.

Armin flushed at the sudden compliment.

The soldiers with rifles all went into the lift. “Alright people, let’s move! Horrific death awaits!”

Mikasa looked to her friend, “wow Armin, people are actually doing what you command.”

“I know,” said Armin, “it’s arousing.”

“Of course they’re following your plan! You are literally the only one who suggested anything,” Connie said.

“Welp, it's nice to know that everyone’s death would have been all my fault if my plan had failed. Real reassuring,” Armin replied.

“I wish Eren were here to see it,” Mikasa deflated.

“He’s not too far off, technically,” said Hange.

“Yeah...” Armin agreed. “How’re you holding up on the whole, you know, him being dead?”

“That was kinda blunt,” Jean said in a slightly higher pitch than normal.

Mikasa stuttered her reply, “I’m...I’m fine.”

“Alright cool see ya!” Armin quickly changed the subject.

Armin snorted, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, I’m sorry.”

Mikasa stared at him.

“Okay but my savage insensitivity though.”

“...Armin, no.”

“Wait!” Mikasa began suddenly. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” the blonde encouraged her to go on.

“This is stupid but, say I, hypothetically had romantic feelings for a fake brother...”

“You mean Eren?” Armin asked quickly.

“Man was like: no hesitation,” said Jean.

“Yeah, sure,” Mikasa tried to be inconspicuous.

“You're not fooling anyone Ackerman,” said Levi.

“Again. Your Windex is right there,” she pointed to the hallway.

Levi shrugged, not willing to instigate any more.

“Had I ever acted on those feelings, would it have been wrong?”

“Mikasa,” Armin’s tone was flat. “Why are you asking me about social protocol?”

“Because you’re the only one I can trust not to tell anyone. And  besides, even if you talked, Everyone would assume you were just being your usual creepy self and ignore you.”

“...”

“Don’t feel bad, Armin. I’d probably believe you.”

“But Eren, you’d just say something about it being gay.”

“...good point.”

“Wow Mikasa, that’s cold-hearted manipulative genius,” Armin was impressed. The girl probably chose him out of process-of-elimination but that was pretty good justification.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just really need to know.”

“I’ve never seen you in this light before.”

“Is it wrong?”

“Mikasa is trying to get answers and Armin is off in lala land,” Historia shook her head. “Poor Mikasa. She just wanted love but all she has are idiots! Idiots everywhere!”

Eren raised an eyebrow in amusement, “alright, bet. I have the knowledge accumulated by various titan shifters and I’m book-smart.”

“I’m also our resident tactical genius,” Armin said.

“We three graduated at the top of our class so that must count for something right?” asked Sasha.

Oh really? Historia sighed, “but would you notice her feelings?”

It wasn’t that Eren didn’t know. It was just vital that she hated him for his plan to work. “Eh,” he hummed noncommittally.

“Hey, can I have a lock of your hair?” Armin asked.

“What for?” Mikasa countered.

“Uhhhhhh.”

“Nevermind. I don’t wanna know.”

“He’s gonna use it to make a voodoo doll I bet,” said Eren.

“Why would you know that?” Jean wasn’t sure if he heard correctly.

“...Armin and I used to play a lot of truth or dare.”

“But this isn’t even your world-”

“Kirstein,” Levi interrupted, “what did I just say about questioning this world’s practices?”

“Right...”

“Armin, answer the question!” Mikasa shouted in his face. 

The boy recoiled slightly, “geez, okay! I...I don’t think it’s wrong, Mikasa. He wasn’t your real family anyways.”

“Armin, I believed in you but you really let me down,” Mikasa put the back of her hand on her forehead and sighed.

Eren nodded, “especially after our sibling dance song.”

“You know what this means, Armin.”

“Do I have to do it here?” Armin whined.

“Yup,” Eren confirmed, making the other sigh.

“What’s going on?” asked Jean, but his question wasn’t verbally answered.

Armin got up from his spot begrudgingly and a walking stick materialized in his hand. Everyone watched as the boy wormed his way up the stick, perfectly balanced, then out of nowhere he screamed, “Es tut mir mein Freund! Mögest du meinen Arsch schlagen, wenn ich falle.”

“Anyone have a watch?” asked Eren.

“What in the fresh fuck is happening?” Jean pitch went up in concern as he looked upon the strange scene.

“It’s friendly punishment,” Mikasa clarified, handing Eren a pocket watch. He began waiting for 3 minutes to pass.

Connie did a double take, “why is that a thing though?”

“...we did it differently in Shiganshina,” she shrugged as if this was a normal occurrence.

“Of all things, I think this is the most mild practice,” Eren looked to Mikasa for her input. She looked up then looked back and nodded in agreement.

“How come we’ve never seen these practices???” Historia looked a bit like she was losing her mind over this.

“Are you kidding?” Armin was still balanced despite his angry tone, “these guys always do this sort of shit around you guys! Remember the cooking incident last month? Mikasa was not making a mistake in the soup. We literally utilize every part of the animal in meals because food prices were so steep and it was even worse when we were refugees.”

“I get cultural differences and such, but cow dick soup?” Connie drawled.

“It was actually not that bad. Though it was a bit chewy,” Sasha tried to ease some of the building tensions but only succeeded in making the situation worse.

“Armin, can you translate? Hange’s been breathing down my neck,” Levi pushed them with one arm to keep them from getting in his space again.

“It means: I'm sorry my friend. May you beat my ass if I fall,” Eren said. “It was a popular thing for the bullies so Armin here has abs of steel. I figured it would be the least difficult punishment considering our current situation. Wouldn’t want to be here for more than necessary. Oh by the way, Armin, you can come down now.”

“God fuck, Eren,” Armin slid down and leaned the stick against a wall before returning to his seat.

“Just be thankful no one gave Mikasa a blanket.”

Armin shuddered at the thought. Last time it took him from lunch until dinner to get Eren untied from the intricate knots that held him. To make matters worse, Mikasa somehow found a strong enough fabric that she hooked to the ceiling and held Eren suspended in the air. Something told Armin that Eren was definitely NOT into bondage after that experience.

“So even if you had incest banged it would have been fine,” Armin reassured.

“We’re not even blood-related,” Eren pointed out. “If you really want that though I guess you could ask Zeke.”

“Eren, that’s gross.”

“I know Mikasa, but Armin over here obviously doesn’t care.”

“It’s not incest, damnit!” Mikasa was appalled by his phrasing.

“I know, I know. I just prefer to think of it that way.”

“...”

“BITCH don’t even give me that look. You already KNEW what you were getting into asking me for advice!”

“That’s fair,” Mikasa said.

“How messed up do you think Armin is, though?” asked Hange. “For science of course,” they clarified.

“It’ll probably come up soon.”

Sasha, Connie, Annie, Bert, Reiner, Mikasa, Ymir and Jean all went down to the rafters.

“Reiner,” said Connie, “she said no. Focus on the mission.”

“Heh...hey Annie,” Reiner began, “is your middle name caboose? Cause you’re about to get a train run on you.”

Jean face-palmed, “is it so hard to say ‘railed’!?”

“Reiner, a caboose goes behind a train. It doesn’t get anything run on it!”

“Yeah dumbass!” agreed Sasha.

Reiner tried to save himself, “yeah, yes it does...caboose.”

“On a scale from 1 to high as fuck, how many steroids do you think Reiner’s taken?” asked Jean.

“I’d say probably an A tier amount, maybe S,” said Armin

“Your joke doesn’t make sense,” Connie deadpanned.

“But, heh...trains man!”

“Jesus Christ, Reiner. Listening to you is like watching faces of meth,” Jean glared as he walked down.

“THAT’S MY FAVORITE SHOW!” Reiner said.

“...That’s not a show. It’s literally before and after illustrations of the effects of methamphetamines,” Hange was a bit serious.

“I think the only person I’m more worried for besides Armin would be Reiner,” said Historia.

In the gas supply room, titans roamed around.

“Creeping through this motherfucking storage like a G. Titan Ninja” said a brown haired titan.

“N**** why you so quiet?” asked a blond titan.

“I don’t know man; I’m afraid of the dark tho. I’m always nervous a motherfuckin’ spider gonna jump out at me. Get my ass.”

“Titan's afraid of spiders confirmed?” asked Hange.

“No, that would be stupid,” Levi said.

“Ay don’t say dat. I’m afraid of the dark too.”

“Keep yo voice down! I know there’s a spider ‘round here.”

“Ok ok, dayum.”

“These titans are so relatable,” said Connie.

Sasha raised an eyebrow, “you’re afraid of spiders?”

“No!” he replied a bit too quickly. “...maybe.”

“Where you at homie?” the brunette titan asked. “Where you at?...Yo hey!...Hold my hand, man.”

The blond didn’t respond.

“No homo.”

“A-a-alright, son. We cool. Here, let me work my way over.”

“Captain, can you pass the oolong?” asked Eren. He went from poised to manspreading after not even ten minutes in that dress. It wasn’t indecent per say since it was like ankle length but anyone could fight Eren on that.

“Hn,” Levi grabbed a teapot and cup, passing it to the middle couch group who gave it to Eren. Once he served himself he breathed in the rich aroma and sighed softly. There was a hint of something tropical, something like...coconut! And after taking a sip he outright moaned. The flavor was the perfect level of bitter and fruity. The aroma of the tea added a whole other layer to the experience, showcasing the citrusy undertones that after taking another sip were found in taste. “This is good tea,” he hummed happily.

Everyone was staring at Eren.

“What the hell was that?!” Jean quickly broke out of his daze.

“This is tea?” Eren raised an eyebrow.

“But why is everything you do so hot!” Sasha said roughly.

“You're just saying that because I’m not so temperamental anymore.”

“That was kinda cute though!” Historia coo-ed. “You were like an angry puppy with your little pout.”

“And your crybabyness,” added Mikasa, to which Historia furiously nodded.

Eren sniffled. Mikasa whipped her head around and saw the steady stream of tears running down his face. She brought her thumb closer to wipe one trail away when Eren flinched back to reality.

“Eren, why are you crying?” Mikasa frowned, grabbing a handkerchief and passing it to him.

He brought the soft fabric up to his cheeks and softly chanted “I’m sorry,” hiding his face more and more with each repetition. He meant to fake his tears, but after he started he couldn’t seem to stop them. Perhaps it was the build up of emotions from making his plan. Perhaps it was the decisions that he had taken to set his plan in motion. 

Freedom.

Why was that so difficult to achieve?

Eren wiped the last of his tears, “let’s just get this over with.” Hange nodded but kept a closer eye on him.

“Ne ne ne ne ne,” Sasha chanted softly.

“Sasha...what the FUCK are you doing?” Bertholdt loudly whispered. They waited for the other cadets to get into position.

“It’s my stealth noise,” Sasha whined then continued to chant.

“Shut the fuck up. You’re gonna get us found.”

Connie laughed and began to join.

“Everyone shut the fuck up!” Bert said a bit louder.

Ignoring the poor boy, everyone began chanting along, making it exponentially louder.

Everyone but Levi and Eren laughed at the stupidity of the situation. Eren gave a little amused huff and Levi rolled his eyes.

“That is a horrible nervous tick,” said Levi. And damn if he knew how even the slightest noises could get you killed where he grew up. There had been more than a few instances where Furlan had caught him up against a wall with his hand over his mouth to further prevent any noises from coming out. Of course if the blonde was there, typically the threat was taken care of and Levi only had a mild case of embarrassment.

“It could be worse,” everyone looked at Connie, “Sasha could be eating on the job.”

“Oh come on! I know not to do that!” she protested.

“How about the titans?” asked Hange.

“...What about them?”

“Have you ever wondered what titan flesh might taste like? It obviously has differing properties from humans’ so technically it isn’t cannibalism.”

Eren closed his eyes and pinched his nose, “Hange, no.”

“But-”

“Fine,” Eren cut them off. “If you tried to eat a titan, you probably would burn your mouth because their body temperature is burning to the touch; though if you somehow found a way to bypass that, I would like to bring up the moral greyness on the matter. At least in terms of my own discomfort with the situation.”

Hange opened their mouth again but was silenced by Armin. “I would also like to bring up the fact that titans are made from injecting an Eldian with titan spinal fluid so who knows what other effects there could be if you ate a titan.”

“...Dang it,” Hange finally said. It was too bad.

The cadets in the lift lowered until they were about eye-level to the titan. Everyone cocked the rifles and took aim.

“HEY N****!” the blonde titan turned to face them out of nowhere, making many of the soldiers whimper.

“OHHH, shit! Am I tripping on acid?” the titan began plodding over toward them. “I can’t be seeing this shit. I CAN’T be seeing this shit.”

“I don't get why we all have to be in this elevator,” someone who sounded suspiciously like Armin said as all the titans made their way toward the elevator. 

“This was your plan,” said Jean, “and besides, you should be into the whole seeing death part.”

“Have you seen my scrawny build though?” Armin gave him a look. “I almost got eaten an hour ago too.”

“Oh shit, this really isn’t,” the titan realized. “Dayum, this is like publishers clearing house prize patrol.”

“Hold!” ordered Marco.

The titan was about a meter away, “this is like winning the lottery! There’s my pot of gold at the end of the double rainbow.”

“Steady!” Marco tried to keep the other soldiers focused.

“Marco was the real MVP here. All calm and collected,” said Connie.

Jean gave a sad smile, “he always was a calming presence during training.”

“I knew Leprechauns was real!”

“Hold!” Marco put his finger on the trigger.

“I wanna thank god, the academy (‘Aim!’ said Marco) and the lucky charms mascot for this very special moment,” said the blond giant, getting closer with each listed element until it was almost touching the barrel of the gun.

“FIRE!” Marco signaled everyone. The lured titan were all shot in the eyes.

“Ocular trauma! The fuck you doin!” shouted the blonde titan as the other titan groaned in pain. 

“Yeah! Fuck all y’all!” cheered Sasha.

“Didn’t you fuck up right after this?” Jean asked cheekily.

Sasha flushed and sputtered.

Afterward the rafter squad came down and sliced at the titans’ napes. Mikasa killed hers, followed by Jean and Reiner. Then Connie and Sasha were seen failing their attempt.

“Springer, I had faith in your ability to stick the landing and I disappointed myself,” the captain took another sip of tea.

“Oh YOU bitch motherfuckas don pissed me off now,” the brunette titan turned to give them a side glare. Sasha gasped. “I knew if it wasn’t Ashton Kucher’s ugly ass (‘Hey there,’ Sasha’s voice wobbled as she stepped back) it’d be some other white motherfuckers jumping out of the rafters (‘So about the whole me not killing you thing,’ she continued) screaming ‘you got punk'd!’ (Sasha: ‘Don’t take it the wrong way’) I knew it was too good to be true! (Sasha: ‘shit!’) My boy was crippled. (Sasha: ‘yeah that’s not gonna happen’) You like reality TV bitch? Lemme show you reality.” 

“I have no idea what that titan is saying, but rip Sasha,” Historia said.

“Thanks,” then she turned around, “and thank you Mikasa!”

 Mikasa nodded.

“How about we sing a song?” Sasha gave one final plea before the titan moved to lunge at her. “AH! NO!” she leapt to the side and tripped, losing her blades. “Please Mr. Titan,” then Mikasa came down from overhead and sliced the titan’s nape.

“Bitch ass leprechaun,” the titan’s voice faded as it died.

“Hey, I’m not a ginger!” shouted Sasha, dropping her plate of self-replenishing berries onto the floor. With a squeak, she slid off her seat to the floor and cleaned her mess before the captain got on her case.

Levi watched as she sat back in her spot, “you forgot one, brat.” He pointed to the blueberry that must have been next to her knees when she was on the floor. Sasha fumbled to pick it up but eventually got it and sighed.

Annie spun around and sliced the other titan as Connie watched, back pressed against a pillar. It fell with a crash and the ground shook. Connie stood there with his mouth wide open as he watched the corpse turn black and steaming. 

‘It’s too bad,’ thought Armin. ‘Annie didn’t even believe in all the Marleyan crap the other Eldians were force-fed. She probably could have been a great ally...’

Mikasa hopped off the titan she had saved Sasha from to check up on the fallen girl. 

Sasha raised her head and cried, “Mikasa! You goddess! I’m not worthy!”

The raven haired woman flushed at that. “Really it was nothing,” she covered her mouth with he scarf.

“You really saved my ass Annie. Thanks,” Connie said.

“No problem,” Annie then turned to leave but stopped when she heard her name.

“Those were some slick moves, Annie,” Reiner giggled. “You got any more hidden, eh, heh heheheh.”

She walked away without even looking at him.

“...Powndtown,” Reiner recited his catchphrase.

“I think he’s moved way past the red on the stoned scale,” Jean felt a bit of second-hand embarrassment for the armored bastard. Sure he betrayed them but you literally couldn’t get mad with this guy because of his sheer stupidity in this world.

Armin nodded, “I’m at least still a functional person even when high.”

“We need you to huff for you to be at your best, though. The voices, remember?” Eren brought up. 

“Oh yeah. I suppose I can’t argue with that.”

Jean walked over to the elevator, “it’s safe. Come on down.”

The soldiers all cheered.

“Great job Seabiscuit!”

“Who?”

“He was a famous Marleyan race horse, commander.”

“Ah, Thanks Eren.”

“I’m so impressed!”

Connie laughed victoriously as he filled his gas canister, “Hell yeah, muchachos! Look at all this gas! Now that your tanks are full, try huffing it.”

“That’s a great idea!” said one soldier.

Another soldier suggested, “let’s all do it!”

“We survived! Let’s get high!” cheered another.

“We deserve this!”

“I guess there’s no stopping them now,” giggled Hange. Their second notebook was about half full. 

‘What were they writing, a textbook?’ Levi gave them a look as he peeked over their shoulder. He saw illustrations of-nope nope nope. Never mind. He didn’t even want to know why they thought a titan could do that with their-nope. Levi tried to shake off that bit of mental scarring. ‘No more looking in the notebooks. Got it.’

Marco and Jean sat side-by-side as they filled up their tanks.

“Jean,” began the freckled Jesus, “I think you could be a great leader.”

“Oh? Why is that?” Jean asked.

“Because you’re a pussy.”

Everyone wheezed into laughter except Jean, who flushed and bowed his head, causing the hair tucked behind his ears to fall.

“Is he wrong though!” Connie struggled to say through his laughter.

Jean gave an indignant huff, “I thought we were friends, Connie!”

“And friends can say mean things about friends because they have a mutual understanding of what ‘too far’ is in terms of insults,” Armin said. 

“...”

“What? Is that not how you guys joke around with each other?”

“Yeah, we do,” Jean began, “but I wouldn’t have said it like that. You make it seem like you guys bully each other for shits and giggles.”

“Oh! Haha! Sorry, the other Armin is rubbing off on me,” the blonde tried to pass it off as influence but Jean remembered how he ‘talked’ to Bertholdt when they were saving Eren. 

“And pussies understand how pussies feel,” Marco kept his eyes on the gas nozzle as Jean turned toward the freckled boy. “And sometimes the leader that pussies need to guide them, happens to be the biggest pussy of them all.” Marco turned to face him, “you’re that giant pussy, Jean. You are.”

“Wow. You freckled fuck. Thanks?” he responded hesitantly.

“I resent that statement,” said Historia, because, you know, she’s the ACTUAL queen.

“You’re welcome. Let me know anytime you wanna talk about your sins.”

Jean quickly turned away, “no.”

“Is that any way to talk to our lord and savior?” Connie put a hand on his hip.

“...”

“Too soon?”

After everyone was done filling up their tanks and huffing they gave some stoned laughter and made their way back outside to retreat.

Armin walked out and stopped when he looked up. Mikasa was standing on the roof of the armory for seemingly no reason.

“Mikasa!” he shouted. Then he used his ODM gear to maneuver onto the roof along with Reiner and Bertholdt. “Hey what’s wrong?” he asked as he landed.

Mikasa stared at the scene in front of her with slight confusion. “Look!”

Armin turned to see what she was so interested in, “oh no Mikasa.” They watched as a couple titans chomped on Eren. 

“Huh. I don’t remember that,” Eren said.

“Your boyfriend is getting eaten out. (Eren-titan groaned) And it looks like he’s enjoying it!”

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind that in a more, you know, human-on-human sense of the phrase,” said Eren.

“Mikasa would volunteer,”  Armin smirked. She sputtered.

“I bet you would too!” she retorted.

“We all would,” Connie shook his head sadly.

“I mean,” Levi thought for a second, “I guess. You’re pretty aesthetically pleasing.”

“There really is no lie,” Jean nodded begrudgingly.

“We have to rescue him no matter what!” Mikasa declared, but just as she was about to do anything, Reiner pitched in.

“We’ll help you,” he shouted. Bertholdt, Annie and Jean were beside him. “Mikasa,” the macho man began, “as someone who appreciates the alpha lifestyle, I have to say your boyfriend over there is FUCKIN’ killin’ it!”

“Flattery will get you nowhere Reiner,” Eren said with half-lidded eyes.

“Seriously,” he continued, “I have been fuckin’ injecting these ass cheeks for years and I’ve never gotten that ripped. I need to know his secret.”

“Yeah seriously, Eren,” said Sasha, “what have they been feeding you?”

“...My father.”

“Oh, yeah...”

“Reiner,” Jean spoke up, “are you serious? What about me?”

“I don’t know, Jean, what about you?” asked Historia mockingly.

“I cannot apologize for being a simp, sorry,” Jean replied.

“If that titan dies, then my dreams may one day come true!” Jean cried.

Annie gave him a side glare, “Jean, this is the first time in hours Reiner hasn’t sexually harassed me. Shut the fuck up.”

“She probably wouldn’t mind it if it were you, Armin.”

“You don’t know that, Jean,” Armin said a bit too quickly.

That earned Armin a raised eyebrow from Jean.

“Yeah whatever, bitch, you’re the biggest cock tease ever,” Reiner grumbled. “Yeah, seriously though, I gotta know his secret. P90X, insanity. What’s his cramp routine? Does he eat those gummy multis like me or do I gotta step up my injection schedule?”

“Again, I just ate my father and now my ass looks great,” said Eren, slumping back into the couch and resting both arms along the back.

“I actually think this is worse than the whole ‘your mom being a whore’ plot point,” Jean sighed into his hands.

Armin heard pounding footsteps and turned to see. He flinched when he saw what it was. The titan that ate Thomas. “Oh no! Look! A mace-heated death. It’s the titan that ate Thomas!”

Eren felt a surge of strength at the blonde’s words. He powered through the smaller titans that were attached to him and hopped over to the lanky abnormal with a roar. He didn’t even flinch as the titans attached to him took his arms. When he got close, Eren opened his jaw and grabbed the titan by the nape with his teeth and lifted it above his head.

“Ah, a revenge so sweet,” said Eren.

“Rest in peace, Thomas,” Armin folded his hands together and nodded.

“WOOOOO! Fuckin’ turbo bro!” Reiner cheered. “Get some Taurine in that! Bust up a power set, bro! Go hard! Lift heavy! WOOO! Go hard!”

“Yikes. What a cringe,” Eren frowned.

Eren looked to the side at Reiner then used the titan at a mace to hit the other titans with.

Reiner continued his cheers, “YEAAA, fuck those guys up!”

“Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable with this?” asked Armin with a slight grimace, “like, it's funny but it’s also coming from Reiner.”

“I’m with you on this one,” Connie agreed. Jean, Sasha and Historia all nodded as well. Mikasa looked as if she were trying to burn holes into the screen with her eyes and everyone else shrugged.

As Reiner gave a final cheer, Eren threw the bastard into a titan, making them both crash into a nearby building.

Jean stared at the whole scene, a little disturbed. “Alright. So he’s a badass.”

Eren snorted.

“I’m not saying that to you ever then,” Jean declared with crossed arms.

 Eren just rolled his eyes.

Titan-Eren gave one final roar before he fell.

“He’s falling,” Armin yelled. “He's falling!”

“Oh no!” cried Reiner, “not an overdose, bro!”

“That’s kinda funny though,” Armin said, “because I think he’s the only one not on drugs right now.”

Hange’s eyes darted around the room as they walked through the whole event in their head, “oh my god, you’re right...Realistically, some of my experiments with Eren have shown that drugs in normal doses largely do not affect him so, for example, unless you give him enough horse tranquilizer to take down a titan, the drugs would simply run through his system too quickly.”

“...wow. I’m surprised you didn’t stop this rant, Captain,” said Sasha.

“This was actually useful information, unlike the usual shit they have spewing from their mouth,” Levi shrugged.

“Hold up. Casanova no!” said Mikasa.

Armin gasped.

“BRO!!” Reiner shouted. “...BRO!!”

“...Well,” Jean took a step back, “that’s my cue.” He looked to the side, “Mikasa, if you ever need to cry in a real man’s arms, I’ll be safely back at the barracks, adjusting suit vest to receive your ample bosom.” No one acknowledged him or even moved from their spot. 

“Hey,” said Jean, “the suit vest stays on.” He tried to keep a straight face but ended up laughing anyway.

“Huh?” Jean turned to see what was the matter then walked back over to the edge. “Okay, seriously he’s dead. Get over it, and get in my arms. It’s a great idea.” 

“Sorry to say, Jean, but I’m not dead yet,” Eren shifted over and crossed his legs.

“...” Right. Eren only had four more years.

“Too soon?”

Then he looked over the edge in shock. “Wait, what the fuck? What the fuck is that?”

A human figure was seen in the nape of the large steaming corpse. The scene continued to zoom closer and closer until Eren was shown more clearly. He pulled his torso up and out of the confines of burning hot muscle fiber, back arched and head facing the sky with his arms by his sides.

“Wow, that is serious bottom energy right there,” Levi said through an exhale.

“Do I still got it?” Eren tilted his head and poked at his slightly puffed cheek.

“Ehhhh,” Levi tilted a flat hand back and forth, “switch, if anything...Actually, I guess you could have unexpected bottom energy and, like, Arlert would have unexpected top energy.”

Eren nodded, “I could see that. You have switch energy with a heavy lean toward top, I feel.”

“That’s great and all, but why was I in that tangent?” Armin said in a slightly higher pitch.

“Fine. Jean has bottom energy.” 

Jean sputtered at Eren’s comment, “fucking, no I don’t!”

“Case and point,” Eren crossed his arms.

“Let’s just get back to watching this,” Historia rolled her eyes.

“Oh fuck my entire life and soul,” muttered Jean bitterly.

Mikasa’s eyes twinkled in shock as the wind lifted her hair. There he was. Eren was alive. His hair moved with the rising steam and his eyes were closed with a softness to his features, jaw relaxed and open without a single wrinkle in sight.

Hopeful music played as Mikasa realized who it was that was down there. Without a word, she jumped down to the boy and maneuvered herself toward the decaying corpse by the person.

“Mikasa!” Armin tried to stop her but it was futile. She was already in motion.

“When Armin is being the only logical person there,” said Connie.

“What if that wasn’t Eren, Mikasa. Huh?” asked Armin, “what if it was just another warrior? You could have died.”

“That was pretty impulsive, but there’s no use dwelling on it now,” said Levi.

‘Please...’ she thought as she ran toward the person, her body illuminated by some sort of angelic light. ‘Eren, please be alive.’ The scene shifted to Eren’s limp form then back to Mikasa. ‘Please be alive! Can it really be you?’ Mikasa finally made contact with the boy and confirmed he was tangible with a fierce hug. ‘Don’t be dead. I can’t lose you all over again. Eren, please!’

Mikasa flushed at such personal thoughts being revealed.

“Just...what are we?” Eren asked.

“I...I-uh,” she couldn’t articulate. “We’re...family.”

Eren’s gaze fell for a split second but he quickly turned away.

“Eren, say something!” she finally found her voice. “Say anything!” she put her ear to his chest and thankfully heard his beating heart.

Eren grumbled something unintelligible.

“What was that?” Mikasa nearly sobbed as tears began to fill her eyes.

“Anything,” said Eren with a smirk, earning him a playful punch on the arm from Mikasa. Though he didn’t show any discomfort, he was sure it would bruise for an hour.

“Damn you...Mikasa...” Eren grumbled a bit more audibly.

“Pfft!!”

That most definitely caught them off guard. Between Eren being a little shit and this, the group wondered if their stomachs could handle all the laughter.

The tears that had gathered streamed down her face as she began to tremble with a pout to try and contain her sobs. “I love you, Eren,” Mikasa’s voice shook with every word. “I love you so much!”

“That's gay,” said Eren.

“And you aren't?” asked Connie.

“No, I'm bi. Get it right,” Eren replied.

She couldn’t hold back anymore. Loud sobbing erupted from the girl as she clung to her brother, fellow soldier and most importantly, crush.

“It’s like they're dating but only they don’t know,” Historia smirked.

“You’re...squeezing me,” Eren mumbled weakly. 

“Weren’t you unconscious?” asked Jean.

Eren shrugged, “I think so?”

“We can all agree that he would probably say that if he was conscious,” Armin stated. They all nodded. 

Armin and Jean maneuvered down and helped get everyone on higher ground. Elsewhere the garrison looked at the whole situation from atop the wall.

She continued to sob even after she and him were taken to the roof of the armory, clinging to Eren.

“Woah. So, like, this entire time, Mikasa actually wanted to fuck her brother!” Reiner said as if he had discovered the secrets of the universe.

“Where is the lie though,” Armin offered an inquisitive gaze, his eyes squinted with an eyebrow raised and his chin resting on his fist.

Eren and Mikasa both glared at him.

“Shut up, Reiner!” Mikasa spat weakly. 

On the other hand, Armin started to process what was happening. He looked to his friend who was breathing softly in Mikasa’s arms and thought, ‘Eren is alive! And his limbs are back!’ The scene flashed back to the roof where Eren crash landed after getting his leg bitten off before returning to show current-Eren’s freshly returned limbs.

‘Oh my god...this means...’ Armin trailed off.

“What? You want to make this a threesome?” asked Eren.

“...let’s put a pin in that,” replied Armin.

“So what,” said Mikasa, “y’all aren’t even gonna ask me?”

Both men exchanged glances before looking back at her, “nope.”

“Yes, Armin!” Eren from another flashback reached out toward Armin from inside the bearded titan’s mouth, “Now I will train you in the art of facial hair!”

“What’s wrong with not having facial hair,” Levi asked with a slight glare.

Sasha put her bread down, “Captain, please excuse me, but why are you so salty?”

He gave a fake offended gasp, hitting his palm on his chest, “fuck you; I don't have a good comeback for that. How could you show such passive-aggressiveness toward your superior!”

“Such agony man will never know!” Hange added.

“If man shall never know, monke shall,” then Eren looked to everyone, “this is the reason Zeke became monke. Sacrifice humanity. Become monke.”

The middle couch laughed at how Eren could say that with such a straight face.

“YES! And now this world shall burn!” past-Armin cheered.

‘At least everywhere but Paradis...’ thought Eren.

Back in the present, tears gathered in Armin’s eyes and he suppressed a gasp. “Eren,” he grabbed the brunette’s arm and laced their fingers together, “I don’t know how but, thank you.” Armin tightened his grip on Eren's hand.

“And now our threesome is complete,” said Eren.

“Hell, yeah! We chillin’ with Humanity's Greatest Hope biatches! This shit be ballin’!” Armin cheered.

“What did he say?” asked Jean.

Mikasa rolled her eyes then answered, “he said he’s happy to have us on board.”

Jean gaped for a moment then grit his teeth. And turned away from the trio to overlook the steaming giants below them. “Eren’s not dead; I never slept with Mikasa, and we’re all going to live...Worst. Day. EVER.”

The ending theme finally played.

“You’re mad that we’re all going to live?” asked Connie. “Dude, what the hell!?”

“He’s a simp,” Sasha popped the last word.

“And why does everyone disregard my input?” Mikasa nearly groaned.

Armin giggled, “Eren and I usually guide the conversation, remember?”

“We both say enough for all three of us,” Eren agreed.

“Anyone wanna take a break?” asked Hange, but everyone shrugged. “Welp, it's nearly 1400 hours so how about we watch two more then take a snack break!”

 “Mandatory snack time?” Sasha asked with sparkling eyes.

“Yup!”

The food enthusiast cheered.

Notes:

Chapters written: 9 out of 19 and chapter 10 is like 95% done! (After three days straight of writing and adding in more. I'm not kidding when I say it'll be a long one)

Thanks so much everyone! If you wanna support me and this fic please hop over to my ko-fi! Again, this is not in any way mandatory so please don't feel obligated to click.

One more thing: I will also write a mini chapter on the season two trailer and possibly after I finish this, I'm thinking about making more of this series for the other AoT abridged series like Team Tour Star's and Stephan Krosecz's.

Thanks again if you made it to the end of this note and see you next week! 😊

Chapter 9: Episode 9: Return of the King

Summary:

In which Levi.exe is not responding, orgy logistics are questioned and Mikasa's fight list grows.

Also Eren acts like a fuckboy...again.

Notes:

Kudos if you catch the Tokyo Ghoul reference.

Also if anyone here speaks German, feel free to correct me on anything. I took 4 years worth but I've never gone past the classroom.

“The next one is starting so everyone sit your asses down and shut up,” said Levi.

The opening theme played. The scene changed to a bird’s-eye view of Trost, smoke and dust erupting from various places. There was a caption at the bottom that said: The morning of the attack.

The narrator spoke as the scouts rode, “The Scouting Legion, composed of humanity’s best and brightest, served as a shining beacon of hope.”

“Hey look!” Hange gripped onto Levi’s shoulder and pointed, “it’s us!”

  Levi rolled his eyes then looked at them all. His gaze softened when his eyes met Erwin’s figure.

“They were the only division entrusted with going beyond the walls and fighting titans. However, despite their experience and combat skill, every mission ended in abject failure.”

“Oh, come on! Give us a little more credit!” Hange crossed their arms and huffed.

“Literally all we did was die though,” Levi deadpanned.

“Shush,” they covered his mouth with a hand.

The scene changed to a soldier getting used as a chew toy by a titan. “Aah! Oww, oh god why? Just eat me already! I’m not a fucking toothpick you...giant fucking twat!”

Levi frowned at the familiar scene. No use dwelling on past death.

The soldier flexed up to look the titan in the eyes, “just you wait! Levi will cruise on and fuck your soul!” He took a broken blade and stabbed the titan in the face. The titan then focused a bit more and bit down slightly, earning a pained groan from the soldier.

“Hey, you’re still a badass here!” Hange poked playfully at his cheek.

“Of course I am,” Levi swatted them away. “I wouldn’t be in the scouts otherwise.” And that was sadly true.

An anchor in the distance shot from the right of the titan and with a whoosh the nape was quickly cut off. Levi was shown spinning then landing on a nearby rooftop, his blades steaming from titan blood.

“Told you!” the soldier began to tear up. Levi looked over the edge and watched the titan decay before looking back up to scan the area. A mustached titan walked from the right and two others stood side by side on the left.

Then Petra landed on the same rooftop. “Captain! I’m so glad you’re safe!” Eld and Gunter touched down behind her.

“Petra...” the name was a little breathy but everyone could hear the captain say it. 

A crack came from the left couch. Then another and another and another and-

CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH

Eren’s left hand fingers were bent oddly and were steaming. Everyone watched in morbid fascination as they slowly bent back into their normal positions through the healing process. 

Mikasa sighed and contemplated smacking him in the head again but that didn’t work the first time so she decided against it. Carla's punishments did seem tempting though...

Levi turned to his squad, “we’ve got three titans approaching. You two, take the one on the right. I’ll take the two on the left. Petra, go knit a sweater.” Then he set off.

“Oh no,” Hange covered their mouth. 

“Oh wow,” the middle couch stared with wide eyes.

Petra shouted, “but I could help!” but it was too late.

“WOOOOOOO!” Levi cheered as he maneuvered away.

“What the fuck.”

“...did you mean to say that out loud, Captain?”

“Shut up, Springer.”

The mustachioed titan opened its mouth and leaned in toward Eld and Gunter, but they quickly maneuvered away, making it crash into a building. 

Hange swung in with a cry of delight before landing on a rooftop. “Good morning!” they greeted the titan. “Three PhDs and all I wanna know is how the fuck did you trim that mustache?!”

“At least the commander is still the same...I think,” Sasha squinted at the screen.

“The hell happened to me though?” Levi crossed his arms. 

“It’s probably downhill from here,” Armin tone fell. “I’m still the most offensive if that makes you feel any better.” Levi shrugged.

“How did the titan trim that mustache though?” Hange thought aloud. 

“Hange,” Eren wasn’t sure if they were being serious, “titans’ hair doesn’t grow.”

“Yes but do our principles of science apply in that world???”

“...fair, but they have so far. I think it’s safe to assume so.”

“True...”

“Seriously, that is immaculate facial hair!” Hange continued as the titan raised it’s hand to strike. “You could start a barber shop if it weren’t for y’know, the whole eating people thing.” 

The titan brought it’s hand down but Hange used their gear to escape.

Eren snickered, “I don’t know Hange. He doesn’t seem too thrilled about that idea.”

“Eh. It was just a suggestion,” they replied.

Hange’s eyes never left the titan as they swung around. “but you do kinda look like Hitler, so y’know...” They chopped off the nape and landed on the ground. “...minus ten points for style.” They looked back at the corpse as the blood steamed and vanished from their cloak.

“Man. Times certainly were much simpler,” Jean sighed.

“Yeah,” Hange lips curled into a small smile.

The scene slowly moved over toward the other two titans. Levi landed on a closer roof and walked toward them. “It’s the return of the one-man-army. Bow down bitches!”

“Captain really is the disgruntled teenager here,” Armin was almost impressed. Keyword being ‘almost.’ 

And Levi couldn’t even disagree with that. He had become something he didn’t even know was possible given his history.

He was a cocky little shit.

Levi anchored a line to his left but swung out to his right so his line wrapped around the titan’s neck. Then he used the angle to spin and slice off it’s nape before kicking off a wall. He dislodged his blades as he swung his arms toward the titan to throw them, his blades stabbing out the other titan’s eyes.

“Fuck yeah for ocular trauma!” he said as the titan covered it’s eyes and roared in pain.

“Hey, that’s my thing,” Armin said with faux offence. Connie and Sasha giggled.

Then he landed on its head. “Dude, I am standing on your fucking head man! This is fucking rad!” He got out new blades and looked down at it, “bite the pillow Pinocchio. I’m going in dry.”

Jean snorted. 

“The tea is quite good today, wouldn’t you say Historia?”

“I do believe so, Armin.”

Levi wasn’t moving. He was barely breathing.

“Levi? Short stack? Shrimpy man? Lil boi? Half pint? Ankle biter?” Hange listed off various names that would typically rile him up but nothing then turned to face the rest. “I think the screen broke him.”

“I got this,” Eren walked over and brought his knee up on the couch by Levi’s side and went full-on kabedon. Nothing. He leaned in close and after more nothing he tried one last thing. Eren placed a hand on Levi’s cheek and blew on the captain’s ear. The crossdressing man smirked when he felt the shorter man shudder and fumble for his knife. 

“What the fuck, Eren!” Levi squawked when he finally got his knife out, resting the blade on the other’s throat.

Eren raised his arms in surrender with a fiendish grin and slowly removed himself from the couch before returning back to his own seat.

“Did we all see that?” asked Connie after a moment.

“Unfortunately,” Jean groaned.

Levi jumped off the titan’s head and spun before finally chopping off the nape and twirling in the air onto a rooftop. “Woohoo! The Duke is back!”

“The Duke of what? Cleaning?” Mikasa raised an eyebrow.

“Damn straight. How else would HQ stay clean?” the captain rolled his eyes.

“But you make US do the cleaning,” Eren pointed out.

“And I make you clean until you do it properly.”

“...”

“That's what I thought.”

Levi looked down at his hand then whined in disgust when he saw the steaming red liquid all over it. “Aww…no...blood on my hands?” He got out a handkerchief and wiped it off, “this is like, exactly how hepatitis happens. Not cool.”

“Ever the clean freak, Captain,” Armin teased.

“How did we go from STD to blood?” asked Connie.

Eren blinked. “Seriously? Contact of fluids. Blood being the main fluid in your body.”

“Huh.”

“Did we even go through the same training? Like what? Jean, at least tell me you knew about this.”

“Uh...” Jean supplied.

“Mikasa?”

She shrugged.

“Armin, put your hand down. I know that you know.”

The blonde deflated.

Eren sighed which turned into a slight groan. Suddenly it made sense why the rest of them wouldn't have known. He looked down at his lap with wide eyes. Who’s memories were these? “...nevermind.”

Levi walked back to where he left Petra and saw her leaning over a dying soldier who was bleeding out from being used as a toothpick.

“Captain, I can’t stop the bleeding!” Petra informed him.

“No shit Sherlock. I bet they don’t make tampons thick enough for...” Levi then saw the other guy. “Oh, you meant him.”

“Having another existential crisis?” Hange peered over to look at the short man’s face.

Levi sighed, “this is widely inappropriate behaviour.” His eyes widened. “Oh god, I’m just like the MPs...”

“Oof,” said Jean respectfully.

“Captain...” the soldier rasped and reached out to Levi, “was I useful to humanity?”

Levi scoffed and kneeled down to him, “Dude! You like, flew right into that titan’s mouth. You were like, bullseye in the game if let’s not hit the bullseye.” He cackled at the thought, “I’m gonna be laughing at how hard you fucked up for ages, so yeah, I guess you were pretty useful.”

“Can I add a fight with Captain to the fight list?” Mikasa asked Hange.

“He literally injured himself fighting you like an hour or so ago,” Hange stated.

“Yeah, and?”

“I can still take her,” Levi crossed his arms. “But I will give you a 5 minute head start as compensation for whatever the hell that world’s version of me is.”

“...a half hour.”

“Fine.”

Hange raised an eyebrow, “I never said yes.” 

“...”

Hange begrudgingly gave into their intense gazes, “fine.” They had more pressing matters to attend to when they were released from this place anyhow.

“Captain,” Petra turned her head away, tears falling from her eyes, “he’s gone...”

Levi looked at her, “aw no. Petra, please don’t cry.”

“How fucked up is the next thing he’ll say y’all think?” asked Sasha.

“Can’t be worse than me,” said Armin.

“It’s probably on par with Reiner,” Jean bet.

“Yeah,” nodded Historia.

“You’re so ugly when you cry.”

“That actually wasn’t too bad,” said Connie, popping some popcorn on his mouth.

“Stop hogging that,” Sasha reached for the bowl but Connie shoved a potato in her mouth.

The scene changed to a flashback of the start of the battle at Trost. Titans swarmed in from the kicked-open gate and Armin screamed in tears as Eren was gulped by the bearded titan.

‘No!’ Eren cried in his thoughts, “my sword hand! How will I ever grip weapons or any other shaft-like objects again!” Outside the titan, his arm fell to the ground.

“Eren,” said Armin as he put a hand on Eren's shoulder, “it’s okay. You’re right-handed anyway.”

Eren snickered.

Levi rolled his eyes, but it was a welcome distraction from what he was in that world…

The scene went dark then shifted to the inside of the titan.

“Where...where am I?” Eren slowly regained consciousness and looked at his surroundings. His vision slowly began to flood with a sea of dead people and red. “Ew, why is it so warm? What’s going on??”

“That can’t be fun,” said Connie.

“It wasn’t,” Eren grumbled. He could still feel how the morbid mix of titan saliva, blood and gore felt against his skin. All slimy and chunky. The thought made him shudder.

Eren’s vision became clearer, “what-oh god no!” Dead bodies were everywhere. “No! This is not happening!! Oh man, not this!”

Hange hummed in surprise, “you’re not going completely insane, so kudos for that.”

“...why is everything like a scientific observation?” Eren grumbled to himself. There he was, not having a good time and no one is giving any genuine sympathy. 

“How exactly are you standing? You only have one leg,” asked Hange.

“You know, that wasn’t really the top thing on my mind. Since, well, I was inside a titan’s stomach,” he said.

“Mhm.” They wrote more notes. It could prove valuable to have an analysis of the past through others’ points of view. (Even through the lens of that parallel world.)

“Mother...” 

Eren looked behind himself and was a child barely floating with their head above the gore.

“Eren, you saw living people in there?” Levi slowly turned to face him, “how many could we have saved? How many soldiers were left alone to die in...that filth!” He turned back to Hange, “how many?”

His tone broke Hange’s heart a little. It was like he was one of the recruits seeing their first dead comrade. Despite his generally blunt and standoffish demeanor, Levi is one of the least heartless people Hange knew. Hell, Hange was more heartless in some respects. They settled for rubbing small circles on the back of his hand with their thumb.

“Where are you?? Mother...”

“Dude can you like, die somewhere else? You’re seriously freaking my shit out,” Eren called out.

First, a snort came from the middle couch, which led to laughter among the 104th minus Eren, plus Hange. 

“Big yikes my dudes,” Connie managed to say. Sasha nodded fervently.

“Eren looks like the embodiment of ‘it’s the end for me,’ seriously,” Jean said after he could breathe again.

Eren stood up and his clothes flashed again, leaving him in his usual civilian attire but there was a sash wrapped around his head. He walked over to what looked like the keys of a piano on a plank that was held up by metal legs. “I don’t know how to play the piano but I bet someone in my memories does...and yep. Alright we’re good.” Eren pressed a key experimentally, cringing at the strange sound that was emitted. Shrugging, he pressed the keys and said in a gravelly voice, “everybody knows shit’s fucked!” then proceeded to do a little shuffle in place.

Levi shrugged, “that sounds about right.” Then, Eren returned to his seat and pulled off the sash.

“Mommy, I miss you.”

Eren yelled louder, “dude, just go away!”

“Mommy...” the child began to sink.

“Yeah, no, yeah there you go,” he watched the child disappear down into the gore, “just uh, no, just do that cuz uh your seriously wigging me out.”

“Rip that kid. They had to listen to Eren’s bitching,” said Historia.

“They were also probably a communist and possibly an anarchist,” Armin said dryly.

“We don’t talk about that,” she shushed him.

Eren looked down as the pain started to catch up with him, “oh god. Holy fuck! I can’t die like this!” Tears started to pour from his eyes as he too slowly began to sink.

“Still here, unfortunately,” shrugged Eren. 

Mikasa exhaled slowly with closed eyes. She could add Eren to the fight list. Perhaps throwing in a few of Carla’s favorite disciplinary techniques for flavor. That idea was growing in appeal.

“I swore to eliminate every titan!” The scene flashed to his graduation. “I’m not dying alone. Not without killing at least one.”

“I achieved my goal, so that’s...something,” Eren realized how dumb that sounded. Jean snickered to which Mikasa glared.

He raised what was left of his arm up and reached out as heart-wrenching music played in the background, “You bastards sullied my mother’s memory! You disgraced my mother’s life!” A flash appeared of Carla hanging laundry. “You’re the reason she slept with Hannes!” Another flash showed Carla laughing happily. “You’re the reason!” The scene of his mother getting eaten flashed.

The camera traveled up the titan’s esophagus, further and further away from Eren and slowly fading.

“God damn it Hannes!”

Armin snorted half-heartedly then shook his head, “your logic, I swear.”

His logic indeed. Not here but for freedom… But no one needed to know about that.

After the screen went black, the music became louder revealing the bearded titan once more. An arm erupted from its mouth, spraying titan blood everywhere. 

“This is like something out of General Zackley’s private titan fiction collection,” said Levi. “And let me tell you, that stuff is pretty special, and not in a good way.”

“I think he’d call this something stupid like ‘titanception’ or something like that,” Hange added.

The bearded pure titan stumbled before falling down as it tried to support the growing beast inside of it. Its skin stretched and body contorted as Eren transformed before bursting. Eren emerged, covered in blood with a soft growl.

“1/5 stars. Would not recommend,” said Eren. “Worst hotel ever.”

Armin choked on his water.

“The room was disgusting and room service was deplorable.”

“Eren stop!” the blonde wheezed as he descended into laughter. “That’s so inappropriate for this situation!”

“Oh my god, but have you all seen his abs?!” Hange leaned forward in their seat.

“...”

“More!” The newly transformed boy stood over the body of the titan it burst out of. “Kill more! Avenge mother!” Eren exhaled then gave a loud roar.

“Ey yo n**** I’m’o fuck you up!” a medium titan crawled over to him.

“I’d like to see you try,” Eren said as he slouched a bit, hands folded in his lap.

“You ever seen anyone basketball? Them bitches ain’t got shit on me! They call me Frogger up in this muthafuckaaaa~” Then it jumped at Eren, “check out these hops, be-yotch!”

As the music reached its climax, Eren punched the titan square in the face. “Eat a dick!”

“Shit, I remember this,” Eren brought a hand up to cover his face as he tilted his chin up.

“You do?” asked Hange.

“Yeah. Well actually, I blacked out for most of it, but after that, I found myself at the mercy of the garrison’s cannons.”

“Welp. It was nice knowing you.”

Eren nervously chuckled.

Time slowed and showed Eren’s titan with glowing green eyes. “More! More!” He stepped over to the fallen titan and raised his leg above it. “Eat a dick!” he punctuated with a stomp, blood spraying upon impact. “Eat a dick! Eat a dick!”

The scene changed to Eren in human form with a creepily-wide grin and half-lidded eyes.

“...eat a dick...” he rasped excitedly. Armin looked at him, horrified with tears in his eyes. Then the light came back in his eyes as he realized where he was. “Oh shit!”

“Wow. I’m not even mad,” said Eren. “That’s just funny.”

“But who was the one who got you out of that situation? Me,” Armin booped his nose.

Eren’s arm was draped over Armin’s shoulders as they knelt on the ground. Mikasa was in front of them with her blades drawn to protect them from the dozens of garrison soldiers armed and ready to take him out.

Mikasa looked back at her friends with relief, “you’re awake!”

“Eren!” Armin reached over to grab Eren’s opposite shoulder, “tell them everything you know. I’m sure they’ll understand!”

“I heard him!”  a garrison soldier exclaimed.

Another pitched in, “that tiny bastard!”

“He just told us to eat a dick!” 

“We must kill him!”

“It was because-titans! And I had to kill them all!” said Eren, “I wasn’t talking about any of you!”

“Those were the good ol’ days,” Sasha nodded. “You shouting about murdering all titans despite only killing one in your human form. Titans being our only enemy. Marley not being a thing. Heh, yeah. Good times.”

“And on that note, let’s go back to watching the screen,” said Hange.

Eren stared at the soldiers as he mentally tried to figure out what in the fuck was happenning. ‘Dude, this is the worst hangover ever! What the fuck just happened?’

“Hah. Hangovers,” Eren said.

“You don’t get them?” asked Armin.

“You technically shouldn’t either. Healing factor.”

“...shots later?”

“Definitely.”

The scene panned to show the soldiers as Eren continued his train of thought. ‘Why do they have swords? Why do they look like they want to kill us?’ Then it panned over to Captain Woermann who still seemed like he was about to shit himself. ‘And who-or what-the fuck is that?!’

“Is he still alive?” asked Connie.

“I think so,” Jean replied. “But Sina’s tits, Eren. That was pretty savage.”

“I try my best,” Eren shrugged.

An image of the scouts before an expedition was captioned: ‘We’re gonna WREAK these titans!’ ‘Hell yeah bro!’ ‘We’re fuckin’ BADASSES’ ‘YOLO!’

Another image showing the aftermath was captioned: ‘YEAH! Fuck THAT!’ ‘Why God why’ ‘Leave Fred to die. We’re not going back there’ ‘So much pain...’ ‘MY ANUS IS BLEEDING’ ‘NOPE’

“I mean, that’s pretty accurate if we're talking about any time before you munchkins joined us,” said Hange.

“No one cares about your hemorrhoids,” Levi said to the screen as he poured himself another cup of tea.

“Fred’s a pretty common name though,” said Jean. “Which one are we leaving to die?”

“Yes,” said Armin. “That sounds like a ginger’s name.”

“Not like a dumb blonde jock?”

“...nah, that's Reiner.”

“PFFT!”

The scene panned over the inside of wall Rose, just outside of Trost.

Connie was heard in the background, “I knew it! I knew you were throwing orgies in the girl’s dorm!” The scene changed to the cadets all taking a break in the streets, consoling one another for the horrors they had seen.

“I mean, she took Sasha to be her personal slave and Sasha promised to do whatever Historia wanted at night, so this isn’t too far-fetched,” said Jean. “Ow!” he rubbed the spot where their queen had punched him.

“Keep it quiet, other people aren’t supposed to know!” Historia said in a hushed tone.

“Yeah, Jean. Come on!” she bopped him on the head in disappointment.

“Who was it supposed to be a secret to when we’re all sitting right here,” Connie pointed his finger down at the ground. 

“Sounds like someone doesn’t want an invite,” she teased with a cheeky grin.

They couldn’t keep up the charade anymore. Both of them began to laugh.

“But why can’t I come?!” asked Connie, sweat on his cheek.

“It’s kinda an all-girls thing, and we have a height requirement,” she replied.

Connie whipped his head around to face Historia, “but I was taller than you! And not to mention the cap-”

Levi glared at him and effectively shut him up. “Hear me out Hange.”

“Hm?” they readjusted their glasses.

“The mock death matches, right? Make it into a tournament.”

“Is this because you’re still salty about the kids growing taller,” they grinned then patted his back. “Oh, shorty, you can do whatever as long as no one get any injuries with a lengthy recovery time and there isn’t any lasting psychological damage.”

“That’s not the reason! But...okay then.”

Ymir put a hand on the back of her head, “oh poor Connie. Maybe if you measure your dick in metric, it’ll sound bigger.”

“HEY! I resent that statement!” Connie huffed and crossed his arms.

“There’s 2.54 centimeters in an inch, so the only reasonable measurements you could have in inches would be up to 4 inches-”

“Not helping, Eren!”

He shrugged, “I’m just saying, Connie.”

“But wait,” he looked at Historia, “if there’s a height requirement, how come you get in.”

“Yes,” said Connie, “please explain.”

“Because I’m the one who plans them,” Historia said as if it were the most logical thing in the world.

“Ymir would kill everyone if you did that in real life,” Jean commented. They had a bit of an unofficial relationship that everyone was in on, no matter how much anyone tried to deny it.

“So you’re the orgy master,” Connie tried to piece it all together.

“I prefer the term: Professional Orgy Consultant,” she corrected him.

“Hey, I have a reputation,” said Historia, “and you are in no place to question me.”

“They’re fucking great! Christa brings everything,” said Ymir as she proceeded to list out what they had. “There’s pretzels, there’s cocaine, there’s Queen playing in the background.”

“Not sure how you got a Mayleyan band to play at your orgies but that’s pretty impressive planning,” said Jean. “Side note: what did you all think of outer-world music? That Hizuruen stuff is very resonant, you know? Koto pieces just hit different.”

“I’m more into that north-western stuff. They seem to pour their souls into that,” said Eren vaguely.

“It’s because they scream a lot,” Armin said dryly.

“It’s very ‘free’ sounding!”

“...you just go for the weed.”

“It’s good weed. Now stop slut shaming me for my taste in music.”

“Nope.”

“We weren’t even there long enough to go to a concert. How on earth did you get the weed?” Jean clutched his head as he recalled if they ever did something even remotely close to that but nothing came to mind. 

Eren shrugged. “I found a guy.”

“Eren, no,” Mikasa felt a strong urge to face-palm but ignored it. 

He crossed his arms and pouted slightly. “You guys never let me have any fun.”

Levi scrunched his nose then relaxed after he thought about it. Right. He supposed they didn’t really do much other than work these past 4 years. Most of the brats didn’t have any family left because of the shit Zeke pulled in wall Rose and the shit those warrior brats pulled at Shiganshina and wall Maria. He sighed then shifted his focus back on the screen.

“She even once hired a midget stripper. Good times...” Ymir trailed off.

Everyone looked at Levi.

The short man flushed. “What the hell, you shitty brats?!”

“Well, you were from the underground and your history down there...” Hange trailed off.

“Hange, you know what my backstory is! Why do I need to explain to you that I didn’t do any sordid things?!”

“I just like seeing the expression on your face,” they pinched his cheeks for emphasis.

The captain gave a frustrated cry as he pulled at his hair. “This is all that world’s version of me’s fault!” he pointed at the screen then took a breath and settled back down, albeit a little twitchy. 

“Can we exit this conversation?” Jean hesitantly raised his hand. It was funny initially, but most of them would rather not face the captain’s wrath.

  Levi elbowed the commander before they could protest, “YES.”

“But why can’t I be your midget stripper? I meet that height requirement!” said Connie.

“Hold on,” Ymir told him, “let me ask your dorm mate.” She turned to her right to yell at the horny boy, “hey Jean! Jean! How good of a stripper is Connie? You share bunks. You should know.”

“Well bestie, what rating would you give me?” asked Connie. 

Jean looked up and pursed his lips in thought, “I’d say a solid 7 out of 10. Not great, but passable. If it were life or death we might not all die.”

Fake tears collected in the corners of Connie’s eyes, “dang. I see you and I get that.”

“Hey, no hard feelings though.”

“Heh, nah we’re cool.”

Armin clapped his hands together, “we stan this friendship.”

Both of them turned to Armin with shades, snapping their hands into finger guns.

Jean looked at the group then wordlessly went back to mourning his chances with Mikasa as he drank from his canteen.

“Oh alright then. Don’t say anything, you fucking loser!” Ymir yelled at Jean.

“He’s still hung up on Mikasa,” Armin smirked like the little shit he’s been this whole day.

Mikasa rubbed her temples. “Armin I swear to god.”

“Which one? We have three?”

“The one who wants help me stop you from being a little shit,” she deadpanned.

Titans accumulated by the gate that was covered by netting.  

“Well shit. If that’s not a gaggle of titans, I don’t know what is!” Hannes hiccupped.

“Humanity’s doomed. We’re all going to die!” said the soldier to his right.

“That comment didn’t age well,” said Connie.

“So which part of it didn’t age well,” asked Eren, leaning his elbows on his knees.

“I-what? All of it...”

“...”

“Why? What did you think I meant?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Eren waved him off and sat back up. Again, no one needed to know his plan.

“Hey now, lighten up a bit! Think of something cheerful!” Hannes tried to reassure his subordinate as much as a semi-coherent drunk could. “Look at these cannons. You ever think we could just cap off one end, turn it downward and use it as a still to make moonshine?”

“No...that’s fucking retarded!” Levi said at the same time as the soldier beside Hannes on the screen.

“Well spank my ass and call me Charlie, cause Retarded ’s my middle name!” replied the drunk ginger.

“I knew it!” Eren said with a straight face. “You owe me 50, Armin!”

“God damn it!” Armin fished his pockets for the money then sadly handed it to Eren.

“Are you all for real?” asked Historia.

“Don’t mind them,” said Sasha, “those three over there’re... somethin’ different if you know what I mean.” She shuddered.

“Did Hannes ever actually tell us his full name?” asked Mikasa.

Armin and Eren went silent.

“Oh my god,” Armin said at last, “no, he didn’t.”

“Huh...” Definitely not the best way to remember your pseudo guardian, but the trio didn’t have the time to dwell on it.

Hannes paused then mumbled, “or, wait, was it my last..?”

The other soldier looked Hannes in the eyes, “you are the worst captain I’ve ever served under.”

“That man was a captain?” asked Levi.

“I guess. That world is a bruh moment honestly,” Eren shrugged. He could have taken offence, but he knew what Levi was going for.

“Hah! If by worst you mean best! Heh, cause it’s uh, it’s Opposite’s Day.”

“...how much have you had to drink this morning?”

“Do you want that measurements in imperial or metric?” 

“Ugh, I thought he stopped drinking on the job after he saved you two,” said Armin.

“He did,” Eren confirmed, “though if I cheer during his death, if that happens, I might actually destroy that thing.”

“Can I join?” Mikasa played with the end of her scarf. 

“Can it, brats. Whatever bullshit that brought us can also do God knows what and I'd rather not dig us all into a bigger shit hole than we're already in,” said Levi. 

A note dropped down.

Hange read the note, “it will just replace itself but good try!”

“...well damn.”

Hannes turned away. “Speaking of which, I found out a really interesting trick the other day involving dicks and rulers.”

The soldier blinked in disbelief. “How much have you had to drink?” he repeated with more emphasis. 

“It’s a wonder my mom slept with him,” said Eren. 

“Is five metric fuck-tons an accepted unit of measurement?” Hannes asked.

“How can one even…?” Sasha puffed her cheeks as she exhaled, running a hand through her hair. “ Why ?”

“Both him and Commander Pixis,” said Connie.

“Absolutely not,” replied the soldier.

“Sshit!” Hannes slurred as he looked at a different titan by the wall.

Back with the EMA trio, the garrison’s aim was still carefully trained on Eren.

“I am Commander Woermann, overseer of the defense and supreme asshole of humanity!” the garrison captain shouted.

“He wishes he were a commander,” scoffed Armin.

Eren nodded, “honestly. I think I’d be dead if that were the case.”

Mikasa raised an eyebrow.

“Because of the trial,” Eren quickly justified.

“So what, me kicking the shit out of you wouldn’t have accounted for that too?” Levi asked. “Besides, that branch would have crumbled under that leadership.”

“Okay, you got me there.”

“And right now, I hold ultimate purview over your shitty little lives!” the garrison captain continued. “You might recognize that cannon I have aimed at you. One false move and I’ll blast you into oblivion!” He proceeded to laugh obnoxiously.

Eren stared at his face, ‘he...he looks like a confused bearded walrus...’

“Pfft! Oh god, I can see it!” Armin covered his mouth to stifle his giggles.

‘But somehow I don’t doubt that if I make a wrong move, he will kill us!’ Eren scanned the area again. ‘What the hell is this guy’s problem?!’

“Don’t answer that Armin,” Eren put his hand over the blond’s mouth before he could even open it.

“He’s a pussy-ass bitch,” said Historia.

They looked at her. She gave them a slight glare, and everyone moved on…

“Excuse me Commander, I have no way to kindly ask this so I’ll just say it as it is: why are you being a dick??” asked Eren.

“Bruh, I literally just explained that,” Historia nearly groaned playfully.

“Eren really needs to get with the program,” Armin nodded, but was then softly shoved by Eren.

 “Because,” Kitz yelled, “we all saw it! You emerged from the neck of a titan like you were piloting a fucking mech! And if there’s anything I hate, it’s Gundam anime!”

A picture of what looked like the schematics of a metal suit of technologically advanced armor fell onto Jean’s lap. He gave it to the commander, who was making grabby motions.

“How could you hate it? Using technological suits the size of the titans? If we had the tech, we could have titan strength for everyone!” Hange babbled animatedly.

“Did you forget that Marley would be the ones who benefit the most from that deal?” Levi wasn’t stupid. Tactically it would have made sense years ago before finding out about the rest of humanity, but alas, most of the world seemed to have it out for them.

“I don’t care if you murdered a million titans and saved all the cadets.”

“Wow. Yeah, he would have changed the highest death rate in the military to the garrison if that's where his ideals are,” said Armin. Sure that statement wasn’t accurate, but if it were then, heh, that would be a gross misuse of power…

Kitz pointed as he nearly screamed at the trio, “I consider your indirect endorsement of Neon Genesis Evangelion an act of treason!” Suspenseful piano chords were played.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! Neon Genesis is a classic!” Eren quickly refuted.

“Shut up otaku nerd! Why don’t you go masturbate in a closet with your cardboard cut-out of Shinji?! Admit it. I know that’s what you’re all about!”

“Hey!” cried Eren, “what I may or may not do in my free time is none of your business.” He huffed and crossed his arms with a slight pout.

“He’s probably involved in the shipping community,” Rico stated monotonously.

“Huh?” the garrison captain turned to his right, “what do sailboats have to do with anime?”

“Oh my friend, you have no idea,” Hange grinned, pulling out a journal with papers sticking out of the pages.

“Is that what I think it is?” Levi asked hesitantly. The last time they pulled this out, everyone had to sit through a day-long lecture on the health benefits of certain herbs. While it was great for learning new tea recipes, it could have been a brochure.

“Nooooo.” A few pages spilled out of the journal with diagrams and notes everywhere on them.

He rolled his eyes. “Everyone understands the concept of shipping, yes?” 

They all replied in a chorus of confirmation.

“There. Now put that away Hange.”

“Awwww!”

“I repeat,” Eren yelled with a bit more urgency, “why are you being a dick?!”

Rico ignored the boy, “unfortunately, the higher-ups won’t like it if they hear you murdered three cadets purely out of your hatred for anime. We should move this along.”

“Ah, yes,” replied Captain Woermann.

“So what am I?” Eren asked, “a roach?”

Armin squealed.

“No seriously! He’s over there trying to kill me for no reason and when I ask why, no one answers. What the hell happened to due process?”

“Ah. That’s true,” the blond said as he tried not to laugh. “He’s just a dick. I’m sure we can all agree. At least you had a trial?”

“Armin...they were gonna kill me...you were there.”

“Psh,” Armin waved a hand, “details”

“Seriously,” Eren turned to Armin, “is it just me or do you two realize how stupid this is?” 

Then Kitz yelled at the trio once more. “Eren Jӓger! We have brought you here today to answer one, and only one, question: Are you a titan or a human?!”

Eren faced the captain, “dude, I need you to seriously tone your voice down! You have no idea the splitting headache I’m having right now.”

“So what have we learned,” Mikasa asked in a motherly tone.

“Don’t do drugs before shifting,” Eren droned.

She hummed then grabbed his ear.

“Mikasa! What the fuck?! Ooow!”

Once again, Eren found himself at her mercy on her lap.

“I said,” Kitz repeated louder, “are you titan or human?!”

“I’m human!” Eren shouted, then instantly regretted it. “Ow! God! Fuck! Now will we please stop with the loud noises?!”

“Well that was easy,” the man said at a normal volume, almost too quiet for the trio to hear. “I guess we can kill them now.”

“I’m adding Captain Woermann to the list.”

“Mikasa, there’s a process for this-”

“Commander, with all due respect, no. I’m adding him to the list.”

“...I guess I’ll have to arrange that. Levi, I’m delegating that to you.”

“Why me? Isn’t that your job?”

“Yes but wouldn’t it be fun if I were to accidentally set you loose on the other branches of the military, completely unpunished and off the books of course, right Historia? (Historia nodded)”

“Listening.”

“You would just need to do this one thing for me and I’ll consider us even, hm?”

“Okay. Sure.”

“I’m glad we could come to an understanding!”

“Sir, but what if he’s a potato?!” asked one of the garrison soldiers on the steps to the left of the captain.

Everyone broke out into poorly stifled giggles.

“Are you a potato, Eren?” Jean snickered.

“Oh, fuck off horse-face,” Eren whined. 

The garrison captain almost was completely caught off guard but then remembered where he was and who he was talking with. “...he’s not a potato.”

“How do we know?!” the soldier’s bottom lip wobbled.

“He’s not a potato Timmy, trust me.”

“What’s the verdict?” Eren asked Mikasa, “Is he gonna kill us?”

“Oh right. I forgot about that part,” said Sasha, mouth full.

“First off, ouch. I could have died and second, don’t talk with your mouth full,” Mikasa berated her.

Sasha swallowed with an audible gulp. “Sorry.”

“But I’m intolerant to starch,” said Timmy, “it makes my tummy rumbly and that puts us at a tactical disadvantage.”

“Oh for fucks-” Kitz said before he yelled out, “Eren Jӓger: are you a potato?”

Sasha put a hand over her chest dramatically, “you’ll always be a potato in my heart!”

“So are you saying that I’m a snack?” asked Eren.

“Damn straight!” Connie nodded.

Historia raised an eyebrow. “You can’t say ‘damn straight’ though because it wouldn’t really be straight.”

“Everyone is a little gay. We've established this,” Levi rolled his eyes.

“You’re no fun,” Hange pouted.

Levi snorted, “I know.”

“...what?!” Was Eren hearing this shit right?

“I will ask you one more time: are you a potato?”

“No! I-” he blinked a couple times, “I’m not a potato!”

The captain turned to Timmy, “satisfied?”

Timmy paused, then asked, “what about soy derivatives?”

“OH GOD DAMN IT!” Kitz yelled as he turned back to face the trio. “Are you any kind of vegetable and/or fruit product known to man?!”

“No! I already told you; I’m fucking human!” Eren replied. “What the hell is wrong with you people?! What the literal fuck is going on?!”

“No one knows,” said Eren. “No one is vibing anymore. That whole thing was the worst part of my day. We just wanted to graduate and move on with our lives, but instead there are titans everywhere, a hole in the gate and this walrus-man trying to kill us.”

“Big yikes,” said Sasha with sympathy.

“Don’t-don’t question me you puny ant!” stuttered Kitz. “As a Commander I had to explore every possibility.”

“Oh sure,” Armin drawled, “it’s totally not because you look 0.5 seconds away from pissing yourself.”

“Sick burn Armin!” Connie congratulated.

“Thanks! I learned a lot about that sort of thing from Bertholdt!”

“...”

“Come on, guys! I said I was over that!”

“I would have expected that from Eren (Eren: ‘hey!’), but not from you, Armin,” said Jean.

Armin opened his mouth to refute that statement but then he closed it. That was something the old Eren would have done, sure, but this ‘new’ Eren… Armin caught himself staring. 

“Can we move on? I think we’ve almost spent half an hour on this...” Sasha asked tentatively. 

“Yes,” Levi said, making everyone readjust their focus.

Rico looked to Kitz, “Commander, he answered the question.”

“Ah, yes, I see. All right!” shouted Kitz.

“Now will you stop being a dick?!” Eren asked.

“Nope,” Historia popped the ‘p’ at the end.

The captain finally answered, “Never! Fire the cannon!”

“What?!” Eren said, pitch nearing falsetto.

Mikasa turned toward Eren, dropping her blades. “Eren, we’re out of here!”

“He’s firing the cannon!? He’s firing the cannon?!! Does he know how much pain I’m in?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Mikasa hooked her arm around his and dragged him toward the wall, “move!”

“Yeah, no one cares about your hangover,” said Jean.

“And no one cares about your suit vest,” Eren replied.

They both stared intensely at each other.

Connie poked Jean in the rib at the same time Armin poked Eren, earning yelps from both of them.

The basement key waved in the air from the string around Eren’s neck. “Wait, no! The key!”

The scene flashed back to 5 years ago in a forest where Grisha was giving Eren super powers...with the power of tetanus shots.

Grisha held out the key necklace, “Eren, take this key! In our basement not only lies the secrets of your mother’s past, but the key to defeating the titans! I know I should have told you earlier, but Eren, you must retake wall Maria and explore the forbidden dungeon!” Grisha held the needle with tears streaming down his face. “Humanity depends on this!”

Eren backed away hesitantly. 

“Lovely. Your basement is a sex dungeon that just happens to hold the secrets of the titans,” said Levi.

“Well, who would look in a sex dungeon for this withheld information? It’s a pretty good spot, I’d say. It could probably be in plain sight down there, and those stupid animals wouldn’t know where to look,” shrugged Eren.

“True,” replied Levi.

The scene transitioned back to the present with Eren being carried by Mikasa on her shoulder.

“No Mikasa, you dirty bitch!” Eren flailed out of her grasp, “you forgot Armin!” He ran back over toward the last member of the trio.

“Holy shit. You really did just...leave me for dead. Wow,” teased Armin.

“Ugh!” Mikasa buried her face in her scarf.

“Rip Armin,” said Jean.

“Honestly,” Connie and Sasha nodded.

Mikasa groaned louder.

Kitz’s arm moved down in slow-motion as he signaled his men to fire. The cannon ball fired just as slow, dust clouding everywhere around them.

‘I have to be the one to protect us!’ thought Eren.

‘And that’s just the way it has to be,’ Eren frowned, shifting slightly on Mikasa’s lap. ‘In order to save them all...’

Mikasa looked back at him, shocked. Armin’s features contorted into intense fear.

‘I have to be the one to save us all! All I wanted was some fucking peace and quiet!!’ Eren internally shouted with his arms wrapped around his friends. Then he brought his hand to his mouth and sank his teeth into the flesh, lightning surrounding the trio. 

Hange squealed, “HEY, LOOK IT’S BABY’S FIRST CONSCIOUS TRANSFORMATION!”

“Yes Eren,” Mikasa patted his head, “you are baby.”

“Okay then, Dad ,” Eren rolled his eyes.

“Oo oo! I could be Mom then!” giggled Armin.

‘And they’re back to playing house,’ Levi sighed.

Steam erupted from that spot as a half-formed titan materialized protectively around the trio, catching the cannon ball with one hand with a loud impact.

The ending theme played.

“Nooooo!” Hange whined, “It was just getting good too!”

“They were gonna kill us, Commander,” Armin pursed his lips.

“But the story! We already know you didn’t die since you’re here with us!”

Then a knock was heard from the hallway.

“Hello, everyone!” said a familiar voice. Someone stepped out into the room.

Levi looked at the hallway with a glare before he saw who it was. Then his eyes widened as he froze.

Notes:

Chapters Written: 10.5 out of 19

I've done it! Chapter 10 and the season 2 trailer (chapter 10.5) is finished. In celebration of that, I'm updating today instead of Wednesday. Chapter 10 is still scheduled for next Wednesday, though!

Thanks to everyone! Also, if you feel so inclined you can buy me a coffee here.

See you all next week!

Chapter 10: Episode 10: Armin Incarnate

Summary:

In which Eren regrets so many things, Carla is a badass and let us worship our dark god: Armin.

And also, Does Eren Jäger is virgin?

Notes:

Please let this not be a flop. I worked 3 weeks on this.

The German is hopefully not awful, but please let me know if there are better ways to phrase anything!

“Erwin!” Hange shouted, nearly falling off of the couch.

“Commander Erwin!” those of the 104th chorused.

Erwin, in his full glory, walked into the room wearing sweats, strange looking shoes and a beanie. He waved at the group with yes, his right hand, and greeted them once more then walked over toward them. “How has everyone been?”

“Ah,” Hange visibly deflated. If he meant the real world then...

“I apologize. That was insensitive of me. I’ve kept an eye on you all and well, I’ll just start with this: Eren,” the brunet perked up, “Carla told me to tell you ‘Ich werde dich holen kommen, wenn du hier ankommst.’”

Eren shivered and Armin chuckled, “god damn. You’re in trouble~!”

Eren sat up, “Armin, this is serious! Stop laughing!” he turned to Mikasa but she shrugged.

“Carla is literally your mom. I’m not getting in her way,” she put her hands up in mock surrender.

“Kuchel also says hello, Levi, (Levi’s jaw dropped.)” Erwin continued, “along with everyone else from the scouts. Bertholdt has expressed his apologies quite often as well over these 5 years.”

“Is he forgiven?” asked Connie to everyone. 

“I think everyone else just stopped being upset at some point since he kept crying on his knees in self-hatred,” Erwin shrugged. “Anyhow, where should I sit?”

“Oh! I can take this chair over here,” Historia pulled up a hand carved chair with pillowed cushioning and intricately carved details on the wood. Truly a throne fit for a queen among the plainer couches. She put the chair in between the middle couch and right couch, next to where she previously was.

“I’m moving over,” Levi scooted to Historia’s old spot. “There’s only so much elbowing a man can tolerate from shitty-glasses.”

“Oh Levi, I’m not that bad-”

“You’ve done it at least 5 times! And that’s just counting today!”

“I’m just gonna sit in the middle then?” Erwin was still standing awkwardly, shifting his weight from side to side.

“Yeah, you’re good,” Historia said.

He sat down and leaned back into the cushions.

Levi stared at his outfit. “What the hell are you wearing?”

Erwin looked down at his arms, “oh this? We do it differently in the afterlife. Don’t be disrespecting my crocs though...I apologize, I was told by the sales clerk to say that...Marley is actually quite primitive as opposed to the afterlife in terms of technological advancement and entertainment. It’s very modern, I’d say, but enough about me. What are you all up to here?”

“We’ve been watching this alternate universe were Arlert is a sociopath, Jäger is a little bitch, Ackerman and Kirstein are horny on main, Springer rants a lot, Braus is naive and borderline idiotic, Historia is...well I guess her other persona, Christa, is a witch and I’m regrettably a giant douchebag,” Levi turned his head away at the last part.

“What about me??” asked Hange.

Jean shrugged, “you’re pretty much the same. I literally don’t know what to tell you.”

“...true. Well, is everyone ready for the next one?”

Eren turned to the far couch, “you’re forgetting one thing that keeps coming back. I’ll say this first: I don’t in any way actually describe her this way, but in that universe, my mother was a legendary whore.”

Erwin’s eyes widened slightly, “I admit, I wasn’t prepared for that, but you definitely shouldn’t say that to your mother if she also finds her way here.”

“Yeeeeaaah...” Eren said with a sour look.

“Well anyhow, it’s starting!” said Hange.

The opening theme played then shifted to just inside wall Rose where the soldiers were resting. 

“Bring out ya’ dead,” a soldier shouted as he directed a wagon, “bring out ya’ dead.” The wagon passed by Marco and Daz.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve heard those words,” Erwin chuckled.

Levi frowned cocked his head. “Excuse me, what?”

“What?”

“I just...nevermind,” Levi trailed off. Right. Erwin was a borderline sociopath too.

“Clumsy-Foot Carl,” Marco said to the gaunt cadet, “ you need to calm down.”

“I can’t,” Daz gripped the front of Marco’s jacket with tears in his eyes, “I can’t. I heard that Christa and Ymir are throwing a survival orgy with the girls and I didn’t get invited again.”

“Well, yeah. You were puking up your guts earlier. Ain’t nobody wanna catch that,” said Historia.

Erwin slid a hand over Levi’s to stop his disgusted tremor.

As the scene shifted over to Sasha staring off with a frown another cadet passed by and said, “that’s not true.”

“Actually we just passed by, and yep, they’re shagging.”

“So? Any thoughts about this world as a whole so far?” Hange asked Erwin.

“This is very similar to the culture to that of the afterlife and actually, Eren, your mother introduced me to a lot of it. She seemed oddly well versed in that sort of stuff,” Erwin finished then looked over to Eren.

Eren on the other hand was hunched over his lap with his forehead resting on his folded hands, muttering something unintelligible. Then he paused and whispered, “no.” That couldn’t actually be the case...right? “Do you mean to say that-”

“Yep. Although she seems to have a penchant for women.”

“...okay, I think I can live with that.”

“Right now, she seems to be particularly taken with a royal named Dina Fritz, though I’m not quite sure why Dr. Jäger always seems so conflicted on the matter since the three of them-”

“Fucking walls, please stop. With all due respect, I don’t need this.”

“Ah. Sorry.”

Daz held his head and screamed at his confirmed suspicions. 

“It’s just a rumor, right Sasha?” Marco looked at Daz with wide eyes and tried to get reassurance.

Sasha had other thoughts. She hunched over in her seat and screamed. “They invited me for oyster diving, but instead of seafood, everyone just started fucking!”

Marco and Daz stared at her in horror.

Sasha whined, “where’s the foooooood?!”

There was a pause.

Daz broke the silence with the soft scraping of him getting out one of his blades. “That’s it. Time for seppuku.”

“What is it with them and seppuku? They’re not even Asian,” Mikasa raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.

“Yeah, why don't they go the normal way? Getting eaten isn't that bad,” said Eren.

“You were eaten alive,” Armin pointed out. “There's a difference.”

“There is?” asked Connie.

Armin raised an eyebrow. “Yes. He didn't die from that.”

“Only because that titan forgot to chew. He swallowed me down like drugs. Imagine though. A bearded old man as the attack and founding titan,” said Eren.

“You make a good point,” said Sasha as she sliced a mango, juice pooling on the plate.

Marco grabbed Daz’s arm, “no Clumsy-Foot. You have a long life ahead of you.”

“The same couldn’t be said for you,” Eren shook his head.

Jean slowly turned his head toward Eren and opened his mouth but said nothing.

“Too soon?”

“Yes!” Connie said, giving Jean hard pats on the back. Jean began to choke on his spit.

“There are pots to drop, and furniture to stub your toe on,” Marco tried to console the other cadet. “What will happen to them without you?”

Armin started giggling. “I’m sorry Jean. I can’t keep a straight face when he’s saying that kind of stuff!”

Jean sighed, “I should stop being so offended I guess.” he was probably going to make some sort of weird comment about Marco later on in this universe anyhow. Rest in Peace his freckled soul.

“Fuck the plants. I’m done, man!” Daz said.

“Oh my god!” said Connie, “what is up with Marco’s face?! His eyebrows look like lines!”

“And yours don’t?” asked Jean, because no one messes with his man. Friend. Fellow soldier...This was TOTALLY platonic.

“I shouda,” Jean had a trail of water on his chin after chugging water, “shouda...It should have been ME with Mikasa!”

“You said her name like ‘Mika-sir’ Jean. Like, what are you on, and where can I get some?” said Armin.

“You’re assuming he’s on something,” said Eren.

“Pfft!”

“And at the end of the day, we’re all crackheads without crack.”

“Eren, no! That doesn’t even make any sense!”

“Armin, they act high on main.”

“I’m actually high though. The voices, remember?”

“Disregarding that-”

Erwin cut Eren off, “what’s this about voices and illegal substances?”

“Well sir,” Armin explained, “I’m most likely schizophrenic and everyone does drugs in that world, like, everyone.”

“...huh.”

‘Slut-bitch Annie,’ Reiner thought as he looked at the blonde from the corner of his eye. ‘Defying Poundtown ordinance. All this and no tail. It’s all Bert’s fault.’

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but how is any of that Bertholdt’s fault?” asked Armin.

Eren coughed. “Annie simp.”

“Oh go fuck yourself!”

“Fuck me, yourself you coward!”

“Yeah?! Well what time?!”

“Does next Saturday work for you?!”

“Yeah sure!”

“Okay then!”

“...so wait, is this actually happening?” Sasha asked.

Armin and Eren looked at each other until the mood went to a nice and thick layer of awkwardness. Armin looked back and said, “no,” grinning a bit too widely with his eyes closed.

There was a red filter over Reiner as one part of him thought, ‘he’s always killing your game, bro.’

Another, higher pitched version of him with a blue filter internally told Reiner, ‘it’s why you're a virgin.’

“Wow. This world even shows Reiner’s split personalities before I saw,” said Eren.

Hange whipped their head toward Eren, “say what now? Oh! Is having split personalities a titan power?”

“...I mean...it can result from that I guess? But titan powers do not imply split personalities.”

“Soooo. Would you say you have experienced-”

“And let’s move on!” Eren quickly interrupted the current commander.

Another version of Reiner with a yellow filter quickly internally cut off the blue filtered one, ‘not a virgin. I’m a winner.’

“Oh suuuure,” Armin said wryly. “Says the guy who couldn’t even get a blow job.”

“I have to say Armin, I’ve never seen you this frank,” Erwin said.

“This is the unfortunate effect of seeing that insanity,” Levi pointed at the screen.

“Is this on YouTube or something? The concept seems oddly familiar. Perhaps it is the work of the upper-level entities,” Erwin rested his chin on his fist.

“Upper-level entities?” Hange parroted. Was this it? Were they finally going to get answers as to who or what was keeping them here?

“I would call them angels because they are beings of the afterlife, but really, they appear to be like humans. I can never understand what they’re talking about. One of them called me a ‘goat’ and I’m not sure if that’s meant literally or not. By their tone it seemed like a compliment...”

“They have evolved slang,” Connie looked like he was having a revelation from bashing his head into the walls. He turned to Sasha, “oh no, we must look like total boomers to them.”

“What do the boomers have to do with this? They died a while ago. It has been a century,” Erwin furrowed his brows.

“...Moving on then,” Hange shifted their focus back to the screen.

“But I-” Ewin’s mouth was covered by Hange’s finger as they shushed him.

“Yes. Everything’s starting to spin,” Jean said as he leaned up against a table. “Take me awaaay!”

Then the scene quickly shifted to Eren and the others. Kitz lifted his hand to signal the cannon and Eren’s key dangled from the sudden movement.

Back with Jean, there was a loud boom as steam began to cloud by the wall. He jolted and turned toward the sound, “what was that?!”

“They’re titan noises!!” Hange squealed.

“I see. So that’s where we are. This is during the Trost incident, if I remember correctly,” said Erwin.

“Yeah, it’s been pretty accurate in terms of what we’ve been through.”

“Not what we're saying though,” Levi muttered bitterly.

Annie and Reiner quickly turned their heads toward the sound.

“How did we never notice that? Like they were the first ones to rush over and they didn’t even seem that freaked out!” Connie pointed at the screen.

“That’s how they were the entire time though. During training. During Trost. Heh,” Armin looked down at his lap, “and for what now?” What had any of that accomplished? Why all the death? All the pain? The loss? All to discover that the real enemy was the world. An enemy for events that took place so long ago that the blame isn’t even directly related to those they post it on in any way at all. 

Various cadets began to scream and run.

“Oh no!”

“It came from over there!” a soldier pointed at the steam cloud.

“We’re all gonna die...again”

“It’s like...a giant dark cloud…” Jean thought aloud over the screaming, “of gas...rapidly rising. I don’t know about this.”

“Way to state the obvious, Jean.”

“Fuck off, Connie. You’re just salty that you’re not getting any.”

“And you are? Because from the looks of it, Historia is the only one getting anything.”

“Connie, are you insinuating something?”

“I-er-Historia, you see-”

“No, I know what you meant. Just know this: never insult the pregnant lady.”

“Congratulations! I wasn’t sure if the news was out yet, so I didn’t want to say anything.”

“You’re fine Commander Erwin. There’s only so much coat I can wear before it looks unreasonable.”

“How far along are you, if I’m allowed to ask?”

“About three and a half months, I think? It’s been a bit strange living in a safe house. But enough about me.”

Reiner and Annie sprinted toward the scene among the chaos to get a better look.

“Uh. Damnit. Alright guys. Wait for me,” Jean followed them to a rooftop close to the scene.

The screen turned dark briefly then soon, images of a skinless titan panned on the screen. The garrison soldiers whimpered as the dust and steam settled. 

“Mother of god!”

“HOLY FUCK!”

“What the fresh fuck!”

“Eh, I’ve seen worse,” said Levi.

“Honestly,” Eren agreed.

Then they both looked at each other and said, “mood,” before looking back at the screen.

‘Ah yes,’ thought Connie, ‘gotta love those collective hallucinations.’

Armin twitched and whimpered from inside the titan skeleton, but Mikasa appeared calm.

The scene panned over to the warrior trio and Jean on the rooftop.

“Hey, uh,” Reiner began, “Are you guys seeing this? Or am I just flashing back hard?”

“And then nobody questioned that, I bet,” said Armin.

The others just gaped at the scene below.

Armin stood up and ran his hand through his hair then made his way over to the punching bags. Taped to one was Reiner’s face and another, Bertholdt’s.

He pointed to Eren, “I connected those dots and you didn’t listen, Eren!”

“I said I was sorry-”

“AARGH,” Armin turned on his heel and punched a hole in the poor sandbag right in Reiner’s face.

“...”

Armin panted, clutching his hand as steam began to rise and fade away. Then he made his way back and sighed as he plopped himself down in his spot. “This works better when I’m alone...” he grumbled.

Armin began to make panicky noises as he looked around.

“Armin!” Mikasa shouted over him, “Armin! Calm the fuck down!”

There were three dainty purple flowers dancing with the steam between Armin and Mikasa.

“Do you know what we’re inside?” she asked the hyperventilating boy.

Armin looked up. “Yep. The innermost circle of Hell.”

“I mean...” Jean said.

“Nah, that’s the interior. Shadis in that world painted a very...vivid image,” Connie replied.

“Then he headbutted me,” Jean gave a half-lidded glare.

“Eh, you deserved it.”

Jean just shook his head and ran a hand through his mullet.

Outside the skeleton by Captain Woermann, the soldiers panicked. 

“Oh no!”

“What the fuck is that?”

“I can’t tell!”

“Guys, it’s Cthulhu!”

“Cthulhu?”

“Not the ancient one himself!”

“Cthulhu?” asked Hange.

“That’s pretty sick. I’m taking that as a compliment,” Eren ignored their question.

“But what is-”

Armin answered, “the Elder God Cthulhu. It’s part of some Eldritch horror fiction world by H.P. Lovecraft. I think he’s western. And Eren, no. You were never Cthulhu.”

“I suppose that’s fair.”

“Quick. Everyone! We need to descend into an orgy of sex and violence if we wish to survive.”

“Wait what the shit?” Connie blurted. Did they all hear that right?

“Hurry! Take off your clothes!”

Kitz looked back then nearly took a double-take from what he was witnessing, “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING OFF YOUR CLOTHES!”

“My thoughts exactly,” Levi took another sip of tea. 

“COMMANDER, THE DARK GOD WATCHES!”

The titan’s skull then moved slightly and let out a small growl.

Kitz stepped back, “DISROBE! ON THE DOUBLE!”

“He has no shame. Like at all. He took one look at a half-formed titan and shit himself,” said Levi as he refilled his cup.

“This video is quite eccentric,” Erwin agreed.

“Video?” Hange grabbed the other commander’s forearm.

“That’s what this moving picture is called. They are very popular among the upper-level entities and many of the other folks that have been in the afterlife for a while.”

“Hm,” Hange started on their third notebook.

“Hurry! Take off your clothes!”

“But why?” asked Jean.

“Well, why not?” Connie retorted.

“But why?”

“Too late. It’s already happening,” Armin chirped.

Eren’s titan eye shook and his head moved slightly. The scene delved deeper into the neck where Eren was seen waking up, tendon-like attachments on his face. His form was draped over the titan spine with his arms stuck to more of the muscle-like fibers in front of him.

“Uhh, God!” Eren strained to pull his hand out of the muscle. “Not again!”

“How is it all lit up in there? There’s no visible light source anywhere.” Hange asked in the direction of the far couch in hopes that either Eren or Armin would know.

“...titan powers,” Eren answered vaguely. 

Armin nodded, “yeah, I got nothing. Isn’t that more your thing, Hange?”

“...true.”

He turned his face to the side to pull the attacked fibers off. “Aw fuck. What is this?” his voice trembled as he continued to struggle.

The scene shifted to just outside the nape of the half-formed titan. Then with a burst of steam, he finally freed himself. “Get this shit off me! Ahhh!”

“Why are you screaming? Had a little too much to huff?” Connie grinned at Eren cheekily. 

“Hey, I mix it right. If anything, I should be feeling normal,” replied Eren. 

His body whipped out from the nape, back arching until he was about 45 degrees away from being parallel to himself, “FREEDOM! Oh!”

“Eren, what the fuck is up with your back flexibility? I could almost draw a ‘U’ with how much you arch back.”

Eren gave Jean a look.

“Oh right,” said Jean. He was talking to the guy who could (probably) perform auto-fellatio... Though that brought up another concern. “What were you doing in Marley? You seem to have an awful lot of knowledge in terms of...certain needs.”

Eren stared him dead in the eyes and licked his lips, “wouldn’t you like to know?~” Sure, getting angry at them was great when he was younger, but sexually confusing everyone was much more entertaining now. He was being serious, though; those fellas in Marley sure knew how to have a good time. Even if they were all kinda sketch and everything they did was in the basement of the hospital...

Eren looked back and saw his arm was still stuck. “Wait. What the fuck!” A web of fibers surrounded his arm, connecting it to the giant. 

“Someone’s pull out game is weak,” said Connie.

“Why would you want me to?” Eren smirked.

Connie flushed slightly. 

Erwin simply sipped from his soda, watching the conversation without any indication of disgust. Almost as if he had seen a similar situation before…

Levi dismissed the thought and went no further in his internal questioning.

Using his sticky situation, he pulled himself up to the titan body then grabbed onto the spine before using that leverage to pull his other arm out. “Ah. Get off!” His left hand began drifting toward his mouth, “man, I really need to stop blacking out like this! Alright. Where am I now?” He looked away from his hand and scanned the area, seeing the titan head right in front of him. “Aaaand, looks like I fucked up.”

“You seem to be extraordinarily calm during this whole ordeal. How are you keeping it cool, Eren?” asked Hange.

“Weeeeellllllll,” Eren took a deep breath. He could tell the truth and make his friends more attached to him or continue with his arrogant façade. He needed them to hate him so that he could proceed with his plan without weighing them down after he died. Without hurting her anymore. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he was the reason for Mikasa’s death.

“Well?” Hange parroted.

“We did it differently in Shiganshina..?”

“...”

“Eren.”

“Yes, Mikasa?”

“Don’t make me get out the Osterrad.”

“...what do you plan to do with that?”

“Remember the ‘bucket incident?’”

Erwin cut in, “ah! I remember Carla talking about that. She seemed almost livid about the whole ordeal, so much so that she and her neighbors almost began a bar fight!” He hummed and propped an ankle on his knee, “She’s quite passionate.”

Eren felt cold sweat run down his back as his body grew stiff. He was kinda hoping everyone had forgotten about that.

The bucket incident, or as it was locally known as the largest Easter fire in the history of the three walls, was a legendary tale that somehow only lasted a single night. Easter was a tradition that originated from the old religion, but the wallists had long since bastardized it in their favor as the celebration of the erection of the walls. The people of wall Maria, however, still appreciated the old traditions, one such being the eater wheel, or Osterrad. A wooden wheel is filled with hay and a branch is inserted where the axle would be before the whole thing is lit aflame and rolled down a hill.

Sounds completely safe right?

Well, when Eren was 9, he was adventurous. And as mischievous little children would, he had a wonderfully harmless idea to coat the wheel in whatever gross alcohol was in Hannes’ flask that day, then the hay in kerosene and a bit of yellow oil-based paint. Of course, everyone was way too drunk and caught up in the festivities to notice anything was amiss until the match was thrown.

The wheel caught on fire so quickly that the shift in air pressure knocked back the closest people and sent the wheel rolling down the hill...in the wrong direction toward a nearby village. 

It was then Eren knew. He fucked up. So in order to fix said fuck up he ran and grabbed the water bucket and ran down after the runaway Osterrad. As soon as he was close enough, he launched the bucket’s contents on the wheel but the darndest thing happened. Instead of putting out the fire, the fire grew impossibly larger.

Just his luck. He forgot that he replaced the water with more kerosene. 

In the end, the wheel landed in some poor farmer’s barn and ended up burning a whole year’s harvest of grain for that village but no one was hurt. Boy, was Carla upset by this, though. Eren actually thought she was going to kill him this time, even though his punishment was only being dragged back home by his ear and then standing and staring at the corner of his room for an hour, the look in her eyes…

He wasn’t sure why he thought all of that was a good idea. He just wanted a bigger fire to run down the hill. In retrospect, he probably should have guessed of such an outcome, but the good Dr. Jӓger never gave him any chemistry lessons besides organic chemistry so if he did learn about such combustion, it was probably way too early on...

Eren settled for avoiding another Osterrad related incident and instead reluctantly confessed. “I...” Eren tried to get the words out, “I just wanted to protect you and Armin...” His cheeks were hot to the touch but his lips curled downward in a prominent frown.

“There. Was that so hard?” Mikasa asked sweetly.

‘Of course it was!’ Eren thought, but didn’t actually have the guts to say aloud.

The scene went black for a moment before shifting back to a horrified Armin who was staring at the disintegrating remains. “No. Gandhi has come to punish me for lack of faith. I should have never doubted your great and terrible power. Please spare me majestic Mahatma.”

“Then there's Armin over there having a nervous breakdown,” said Jean, “RIP, dude.”

“I appreciate that,” Armin pat his heart then pointed to Jean.

“Please don’t kill us. Please don’t kill us. (Mikasa: ‘Armin!’)  Please don’t kill us. (Mikasa: ‘shut the fuck up!’)” Armin turned toward Mikasa, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. A newly freed Eren ran around the decaying titan remains, earning a girly scream from Armin.

“I am just not having a great time there,” Armin weakly chuckled. 

Jean looked a little closer then flinched back with wide eyes, “Eren, you have two boots.”

“Yeah, and?” asked Eren.

“Your leg was bitten off, and you were unconscious. Where and when did you get another boot?” Jean squinted. “And pants. Who even-”

“Oh. That was Mikasa,” replied Armin. “Right after you all left and she stopped bawling her eyes out, she went full mother hen on him. Unfortunately, they didn’t have any spare shirts.”

“Wait, what? Mikasa changed me?” Eren’s arms wrapped around himself.

“I offered, but she gave me the Glare™.”

Historia smirked, “Mother hen or thirsty simp?”

“Yes,” Armin nodded, much to Mikasa’s dismay. 

“It’s just me!” Eren shouted as soon as he was in front of them. “Don’t piss yourselves!”

Mikasa’s eyes widened in relief. Despite all odds her crush-

Um...fake brother...yeah... The point is: Eren is alive.

“Too late,” Armin whimpered.

Levi gave the younger blond man a look.

“Hey, I got them out of that situation unscathed so I deserve a little more credit!” Armin replied.

“Eh, we don’t know that in terms of what this world will do,” Jean pointed out.

“...but there is no guarantee that it won’t pan out.”

“But there’s also no guarantee that it will.”

“God damn it Jean, just let me have this one.”

“Fine, fine,” the mullet-haired man put his arms up in mock surrender, “just know that if I am right, I’ll get bragging rights.”

“Sure,” the blond waved dismissively.

“Damn it Armin!” Eren shouted, then looked up, “I am so tired of your leaky bowels! Gosh!”

Levi snorted at that. Erwin rolled his eyes and grinned slightly. Hange watched from the corner of their eye and internally smirked. 

Perhaps without the whole military command barrier, they could be an effective wing-friend for the late commander handsome. The walls know he needs them because this little footsie game they played got them nowhere. Sure, it could just be that they're committed friends but damn, Erwin and Levi have been at each other’s sides for years. Hange would most definitely be more surprised if their relationship wasn't any form of deep and emotionally connected than otherwise (though they would respect it either way).

But besides the point, the angry boy looked back to his two friends who were protected by the ribcage of the disintegrating giant. “Alright, now look: we need a plan!” Eren walked over toward the garrison troops but stayed under the relative cover of the steam cloud. “I have no idea what they’re doing, but whatever it is, it’ll buy us time from that cannon.”

The voices of the soldiers slowly faded in, showcasing many people’s...moans?

“Oh shit!” giggled Connie, “I forgot about that part!”

“They really weren't kidding about the whole orgy thing...huh,” Armin cringed slightly at the mental image of Kitz naked. Because who really wants to see that? Certainly not him.

“So,” Jean faced Armin, “better or worse than the voices?”

Armin rested his chin on his knuckles as he hunched over his knees. “Mmmmmm. Probably better than the voices. Mr. Whiskers is waaaay more troublesome. And besides, an orgy doesn’t even reach my level of fucked up.”

Jean nodded to the side, “alright. You do have a point.”

Mikasa looked at the blurry scene in front of them, “uh, guys, what exactly ARE they doing?”

The background moaning got louder as the scene panned from behind Eren’s titan toward the garrison soldiers.

Half of the soldiers were clothed and half were… you know. At least they were censored. 

“Hey, somebody put a finger in my ass, please! Please, I need this right now!”

Timmy looked like he was spazzing from side to side. A small portion of them just watched in horror, eyes rolling back into their heads.

Was this what the military had come to? 

No one really had a different thought than that. Though, Hange guessed they were also talking about the world where their blades sometimes fall off for no reason at all.

The scene went back to the children who gaped at the soldiers, the steam providing less and less cover for their virgin eyes... or were they?

“Ugh, and you three were watching that?” asked Jean. 

“I’m just glad we weren’t part of it...” Armin nervously stared at his lap.

“Yeah,” Eren agreed, “they probably wouldn’t follow sanitary procedures.”

“Wait,” Connie mimed ‘stop’ then looked at Eren, “that’s the part you’re uncomfortable with? Not the whole ‘everyone fucking’ part?”

Eren stared at Connie. After a minute, his face contorted into a shit eating grin.

Connie flinched back and let out an unholy screech.

Eren relaxed and snorted, “I thought we established that I am a whore-FUCK!”

Mikasa had grabbed his braid and gave a hard tug. Eren put a hand on his scalp to massage where the hair roots were pulled.

“Would you rather I grab your ears? I heard from Onyankopon that they have some interesting jewelry that goes right here,” Mikasa said in a low voice as she grabbed the upper cartilage of his ear. “We could even put a hoop that I could give a little tug from time to time when you're being extra...annoying,” she tugged fast but over a short distance so Eren wouldn’t actually feel pain, but the jolt still made him flinch.

“He would also heal within an hour,” Armin pitched in, leaning over to see Mikasa around Eren’s larger body, “it usually takes around 6-12 months to heal normally.”

Eren sighed then mumbled a short apology.

In the distance, the warrior trio and Jean also watched the whole thing go down. At least they were further away from the madness.

“Wow, that’s really fucking freaky!” Eren observed.

“Why are they screaming like that? Seems a little over the top if you ask me...” said Historia.

“...OH SHIT! You’re like the only one here who isn’t a virgin! Oh my god, why have we not all realized this?” Sasha ranted. Historia raised an eyebrow but then rolled her eyes with a smile when she saw Sasha freeze.

“Well Mr. Tall and Mysterious over there keeps saying horny shit,” Connie replied, even though he had a mental hard-on for Eren. “Actually, are you a virgin?”

“Of course I'm no-” he cut himself off. Was he? Or was he just seeing someone else’s memories? But he could clearly remember putting his dick in...FUCK!

“No,” Eren covered his mouth as he was assaulted with images of his mother. Clutching his head and scrunching his face, he tried to control his grimaces.

“What’s wrong?” Mikasa put a hand on his shoulder, but it was swatted off.

Eren continued spasming for a few more moments then his eyes bugged out. “What the fuck?” He made a mad dash for the bathroom, a faint sound of retching coming from the hallway.

 “...”

Erwin couldn’t help but assume the worst. Had Eren been forced sometime when he was alive? Erwin was fairly sure he wasn’t after he had died because the former was watching the young man from the afterlife and every encounter so far has been consensual. Could it have been on his watch? Erwin was broken from his fixated internal tangent by the shaky breathing of the attack titan shifter.

Eren made his way back to his spot.

“What did you see?” asked Armin, careful not to touch his friend in case that was a trigger.

“My mom,” Eren whined into his palms.

Armin blinked, then groaned loudly. “I am so sorry you had to see that.”

The gears started turning and everyone groaned sympathetically.

“Screw them,” replied Mikasa. “What’s the plan?”

“Alright. So. When I was a titan, I suddenly remembered something,” Eren held up his key. “I remembered why my father gave me this key.”

“Ah yes,” said Connie, “your father.”

Eren sighed, still scarred from the earlier memories, “yup.”

Armin and Mikasa gave Eren a look.

“Who?” asked Mikasa, still staring in confusion.

Armin snorted like a pig then laughed while Mikasa blushed at that world’s version of her comment.

“My, um...” Eren blinked. “Our father, Grisha. Remember?”

“Oh yeah, that guy. Holy shit! I’ve just now noticed that he straight up abandoned us and hasn’t visited us once over the past five years.”

“Heh, that’s because I ate him,” Eren shrugged.

“Why didn’t we all question his disappearance more? We all just kinda accepted it,” Mikasa looked at Armin. 

“Well, Grandpa was sent to his death a year after the fall of wall Maria so we were all more focused on working toward our next meals if you recall,” Armin reminded her.

“Thank the walls, we don’t have to kill small animals anymore. The traps took forever to set, and only worked half the time,” said Eren.

“Mhm,” Armin and Mikasa both nodded.

Everyone else all looked at the EMA trio in concern with the exception of Levi. He knew how hard those first couple of years were for the people of the walls. Seeing the starving refugees. The slums in wall Rose, reminiscent of the underground. Never again did he ever want that to happen. Not after all they had worked for over the past 4 years to advance technology and rebuild.

“I almost forgot too!” said Armin, despite not really needing to. “The plot never mentioned him until this very convenient moment!”

The screen went black but had a caption that stated: They seriously didn’t address 5 years of parental neglect until this scene.

“Was it really neglect if he was dead?” Sasha asked.

“I mean, not to be that guy, but Zeke was pretty neglected from what I saw in my father’s memories...” Eren shrugged.

“Then how come you were the murderous, suicidal idiot? The one who actually had a nice childhood with that guy?” Jean asked.

“Dunno. It’s probably still his fault.”

Back with the trio Armin began to tease, “WOW. And I thought my parents sucked, but at least they were dead.”

“Hey guys.”

“Yeah, Armin?”

“We could be called the orphan trio.”

“...”

“Don’t give me that look, Mikasa. Eren has said much worse things.”

“Yes but why?”

“I see how it is. You guys are just gonna talk over me. I’m not even here. I’m a hallucination.”

“No you’re baby. I’m the father and Armin's the mother.”

Eren groaned into his palms.

Eren looked down slightly, “yeah, it’s pretty awful.”

Armin giggled, “your father is such a deadbeat. He makes alcoholic stepfathers look like working class heroes.”

“It is off that we haven’t missed him,” Mikasa frowned.

“He was a lil bitch to be fair. Even more so than me,” Eren said.

“God damnit Eren, we talked about this,” Mikasa sighed.

“Yeah we have,” he nodded, “but you’re not my mom.”

“But I am.”

Eren froze as the feeling of an ice prank ran down his back. Slowly he turned around to look behind him and yup. That was definitely Carla staring him down with a wooden spatula in hand.

“H-hi mom!” cold sweat formed on the back of his neck. ‘Fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit-’

“Hi Eren,” said Carla. At first glance it appeared that she had a warm expression but the closer you got, the more you felt the disappointment and rage emanating off of her.

“How are-how did you get here?”

“Didn’t you know?” she placed her hand on the side of her face in mock surprise, “I control this world. You see, I’ve been promoted in the afterlife to an upper-level entity for my actions in life as well as in death and as a result, I’ve been given these...abilities. I’ve seen this series so many times that I’m no longer offended by anything. Thanks for defending me, though.”

Eren, well...lets just say Eren.exe is not responding.

“Anyhow, if you keep disrespecting your sister, I’ll fulfil my promise sooner rather than later. Oh, congrats Historia! Frieda says hello. Goodbye, everyone!” There was blinding light from where she was standing, making everyone cover their eyes. When it dissipated, Carla was gone.

“...did we all see that?” Sasha asked, potato halfway to her mouth.

“Yep,” Jean confirmed.

Armin continued, “He’s like the patron saint of single mother households. He probably thinks dine and dash is a parenting technique.”

Eren gave a half-lidded glare to Armin, “alright, it’s not funny anymore.”

“Who taught him how to handle responsibility? Peter-fucking-Pan?”

“Armin!”

“He makes God sacrificing his only son look like time out.”

“Ooo, old religion references! Nice!” Hange said as they continued writing the walls know what.

Eren furrowed his brow, “Armin!”

“He probably thinks being an involved father means taking your kids with you to the bar!”

“Respect for the messed up stuff that comes out of your mouth, Armin.”

“Thanks Jean!”

“ARMIN, SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

“Wait,” Mikasa circled back to the original topic, “so what did he tell you?”

“I don’t know,” Eren shrugged. “Something about tetanus and my mom if I recall.”

Armin snorted.

“Oh, that.” Then Eren explained, “he told me I needed to visit our basement in Shiganshina (an image of the basement among the ruins flashed) because, there, I’ll find the secret of our heritage (an image of Grisha with the titan injection flashed). (images of Hannes flashed) And I need to make sure I don’t have any Hannes running through me (Hannes drunkenly giggles).”

Mikasa looked at Eren darkly, bangs casting a shadow over her eyes. “That’s it? That’s seriously it?” she asked, though it sounded more like a statement. “You want to go back to run a paternity test.”

“I just need to make sure I’m not soulless,” said Eren.

‘You don't need a paternity test for that,’ thought Armin.

“Very important,” Connie nodded. “Okay but what is in that basement in this world? They all call it the forbidden dungeon.”

Eren hummed an ‘I don’t know.’

Eren looked back at the key, “well, that, and apparently the basement also holds something about the secret to defeating the titans once and for all.”

“WHAT?!” Mikasa shouted.

“Yeah, look. I’ll check into that, but first I REALLY need to make sure I’m not a ginger.”

‘You have a shit sense of priorities. I mean, I’m probably the same way, but I keep that shit to myself,’ thought Levi.

As the decaying titan began to grow more and more brittle, it began to crumble and the bones cracked, then cracked to the ground.

The soldiers watched as the skull fell and shattered upon impact with the ground.

“Guys. Guys. Stop!” a soldier stuttered among the chaos.

“What?” another complained.

“It’s just a dead titan.”

“What?”

‘By the walls, what the fuck is wrong with them,’ Levi pinched the bridge of his nose.

The scene zoomed in on the logical soldier, “IT’S A DEAD TITAN! STOP SACRIFICING THE GOAT!”

The goat bleated, then was silenced by the sound of a sword slash. Those who saw it flinched at its untimely death. 

Thud.

There was a beat.

“YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS!” Kitz shouted to his men. “WHEN DID I COME INTO COMMAND OF A BUNCH OF PUSSIES?!”

Levi stretched his arms toward the screen, “you were the one that gave the order!”

Erwin covered his mouth with his palm to stifle his chuckles, but Hange just let loose.

Levi flushed. He really needed to make sure his thoughts stayed inside his head...

“DID YOU FORGET OUR MISSION?! IRON SIGHTS ON THE FOG! AT THE DOUBLE!” ordered Kitz.

“Can we stay naked?” asked one of the soldiers.

“And do what? The orgy’s over,” said Connie.

“Yeah,” Sasha agreed, “though it’s too bad they didn’t bring any food. I’d probably participate if there were.”

“Historia got you to be her slave for a small loaf of bread and a canteen of water.”

“Exactly. I would participate for that.”

“...alrighty then.”

“NO, GODDAMNIT! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!” the garrison captain turned to his left, “and everyone, get off of Timmy.”

“Who was inside me?” Timmy whimpered.

“Mood,” said Eren.

Armin whipped his head to face the man to his right, “elaborate?”

Eren shrugged.

“Elaborate???”

“I don’t actually know...” Titan powers really did a number on his mental state. How sad, right? He wasn’t even sure if he was a virgin because the memories keep blurring together over each other without any regard for who they may belong to and it’s been so very confusing as to who he was-

But Eren digressed.

“WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE PROFESSIONALS. HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!”

“Technically,” Rico interjected, “you gave the order to start fucking.”

Kitz turned back to his right, “SHUT UP, NERD! You should be grateful I gave the order to stop before someone screwed you even more cross-eyed and crooked than you are now. Now stop talking and help these men fasten their trousers.” He turned his attention back toward the kids. “You know how they fumble with the buttons.”

“Yikes, straight culture,” said Hange, who put down the notebook in favor of their half-finished knitting project. They finished a pair a little bit ago and began the next one. ‘I should also make a pair for Levi since he gets cold at night.’

The scene panned back to the EMA trio. 

“So how come you can turn into a titan?” asked Armin.

“I honestly don’t know,” answered Eren.

Mikasa looked up at Eren, “OH MY GOD, BUT WHY IS IT SO HOT?!”

Mikasa draped herself over the armrest and groaned. “Why me?”

Connie elbowed Jean’s ribs gently, “Jean knows what it’s like being a certified simp, so he totally gets what you’re going through.”

Jean slapped the arm away then gritted, “shut up, Connie.”

Eren looked at Armin, “what the hell is she talking about?”

“How are you seriously that dense?” Jean rolled his eyes as he poured himself some lemonade.

“See...” Armin began, “I would tell you, but I like having fingers.”

“And toes?” she asked in a low voice.

Connie snickered.

“What?” asked Armin.

“Well, what if she cut off your dick?”

“!?”

“But if she did that, Annie wouldn’t have anything to look forward to,” Sasha pointed out.

“It would just regrow though,” said Armin.

“I’m not cutting anything off!” Mikasa cut in before anyone else could suggest something even more fucked up.

“So would you cut something out?” Eren asked.

“...Eren, no.”

Hange leaned over, “Eren, yes!”

Levi went to jump over Erwin, but the previous commander hooked his arm around the captain’s midsection, leaving him reaching and clawing toward a madly giggling Hange.

“Is this you being gay again, Mikasa?” Eren asked.

“I mean, gender isn’t a deal breaker, but stranger danger kinda is,” Mikasa shrugged.

“Yes,” she said with evident sarcasm, “this is me being super fucking gay. Big ol’ gay Mikasa. That’s entirely what this is.”

“Yo! Roast him!” Connie cheered.

Armin totally ignored her inflection, “you know, you can go to camps to fix that.”

“What!” Eren rasped.

“Yeah, my parents did that with me when I was five,” the blond explained.

“Okay, what the fuck?” Armin wheezed. His parents probably were the ones least likely to do that sort of thing. Though, with the way this world was going, it makes sense.

The vet trio on the couch furthest from EMA on the other hand all tensed. Some poor random soldier and/or brick wall was most likely going to get demolished. 

“Armin,” Mikasa’s eyes were wide, “your parents sent you to a pray-away-the-gay camp?”

“Yep!”

“WHEN YOU WERE FIVE?!” shouted Eren.

‘Oh, to have an LGBT+phobic parent,’ static flooded Hange’s head as they stared at their lap. 

“This is our child, woman!”

“I know what that child is! I gave birth to the damn thing!”

“Fuck off! I’ll teach you!”

“No, wait-AAGH!”

“-nge?”

“Hm? Yes Erwin?”

“Here,” Erwin handed them a cup of chamomile with honey.

“...Thanks,” their lips twitched upward.

“They were being proactive,” Armin smiled, “and it made me into the success story I am today.”

Erwin blinked. Is that what the wallists had been up to on the side? Well, besides knowing the secrets of the royal family.

“Huh,” Armin rested his chin on his palm, elbow propped up on the armrest, “does that make me an honorary member of the wall cult?”

“Nah, you were probably no more than a messenger boy,” Connie shrugged then handed Sasha a napkin.

“That’s...probably true.”

There was a moment before the scene changed back to the garrison unit. 

Rico looked over to her captain, “the soldiers are dressed sir. No movement spotted inside the smoke.”

The scene panned over the soldiers’ drawn blades. 

“Yeah, we’re ready for you now!” said Harold.

“You thought your little trick was funny. Well the joke’s on you!” Steve added. “We only acted like we were falling for it.” 

“We just saw y’all naked,” Connie crossed his arms, “that’s a load of cap.”

“Ugh, I can’t wait for Pixis to arrive,” said Armin.

“He really did save your asses,” Jean nodded.

The scene panned back to the captain who appeared in low quality.

“Pfft!” Historia burst into laughter, “why do they look like they were drawn by children!” And with her experience, she definitely was giving it way too much credit (I love WIT plz don’t kill me).

“By the walls, you’re right!” Sasha joined in on the laughter.

“We totally didn’t have sex with Timmy.”

“Timmy is the best soldier out of all of them, change my mind,” said Eren. 

Jean raised an eyebrow, “he asked if you were a potato, though.”

“Sasha classifies me as a potato, which is probably the highest compliment you can get from her.”

“True. Alright. Rip Timmy I guess.”

“Amen.”

“Why don’t you come out of the smoke to see if we’re lying.”

“Just keep walking forward toward the open end of our barrels. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s actually a great plan.” Harold finished.

“Did the soldiers even say anything? Besides Captain Woermann?” asked Historia.

“I mean, not that I remember,” Armin looked up at the ceiling. If they did say anything, it must not have been that important.

“Look,” Eren looked down at his fist, “they’re after me. If I can escape this smoke, then they should leave you two alone.”

Mikasa furrowed her brow, “that’s not happening Eren.”

“Protective Mikasa strikes again,” Sasha poked Mikasa’s cheek and giggled.

“More like simp Mikasa,” Connie muttered. Then he froze as he noticed the shadow looming over him. Slowly, he turned around and saw Mikasa staring at him straight in the eyes, almost no light in them. 

“Try not to scare them too much!” Erwin smiled, “though your mother finds it hilarious when you do. I was a little shocked to learn that your father was the Ackerman between them.”

The short haired woman whipped her head so fast she almost gave herself whiplash. The commander met her parents?

“Oh, enough about me and the afterlife. You all still have your whole lives ahead of you, no matter how long or short they may be. Your time is not yet. You shouldn’t worry so much about us. I think we’re more worried up there about all of you...”

Everyone stared at NEETwin, unable to form any sort of response.

“And I’ve just made everything awkward,” Erwin rubbed the back of his neck, “how about we continue the episode.”

They all continued watching.

“Ah!” blood dripped out from Eren’s nose.

“Oh my god, Eren. You’re bleeding.”

‘Power overuse,’ Hange mentally catalogued while they continued making the heel of the next sock. They needed another notebook but could stand to take a break from writing and making crude accompanying drawings.

Eren smeared the blood with his finder in an attempt to wipe it off then looked at the blood, “it’s ok. It’s probably just airborne asbestos.”

“Oh,” Mikasa sighed, “thank god.”

“That’s still not good,” Mikasa said in contrast to her counterpart. 

“I’m not wrong,” Eren pointed out.

Armin snorted, “yeah, but you're not right either.”

“Alright, now,” Eren wiped away the last smudge of blood, “if I bite my hand I should be able to turn back into a titan and escape.”

“Gotta love titan shifter memory stuff,” Eren said as he poured himself another glass of water.

“Oh, so is that why you bit your hand when the cannon fired?” asked Armin.

“No, not really,” Eren said, eyes back on his hand. “I just didn’t know what to do, and my oral fixation kicked in.”

Eren started to take a sip but then spat it back into the glass, coughing harshly as he choked. A blush was beginning to settle on his cheeks.

“Ugh, gross,” Levi grimaced.

“Stop kink shaming me!” Eren’s voice raised in pitch.

Levi grinned uncomfortably wide and his eyes glowed for a moment, “kink shaming IS my kink.”

Eren gasped then clutched his head and screamed as the middle couch cackled.

Ah yes. Just another day for the Survey Corps.

“So sucking your thumb transforms you into a superhero?” Armin asked flatly.

“Yeah, basically.”

“Holy Deus ex Machina.”

“I’m on Armin with this one,” Hange didn’t even look up from their work as they finished the final stitch to attach the heel turn to the gusset.

“Hey Mikasa, does Eren legitimately have an oral fixation?” Hange asked. 

“Oh, definitely,” Mikasa answered without missing a beat. 

“No I don’t!” Eren protested.

“I can settle this,” Armin took out a photo from his pocket. He was saving it as blackmail material but this was also a good time. “He totally does.”

In the photo, Eren was laying on top of his sheets, curled on his side and clearly asleep. His hair was a little shorter than chin length, but it still covered his cheeks. What really drew everyone's attention was the fact that his thumb was in his mouth. It almost looked as if he was positioning his hand to bite his hand below the base of his thumb like usual but instead put his entire thumb in his mouth.

“How the hell did you take that? This is great!” Jean praised their little gremlin strategist.

“It was surprisingly easy thanks to the new land cameras that western engineers just created. The print comes out of the camera instantly and only takes a minute to develop,” Armin prefaced. “Mikasa helped me catch him when he was asleep. I’m surprised you all didn’t notice. We did all share a dorm when we were cadets.”

“You helped?!” Eren turned to Mikasa, eyes pleading.

“Yep,” she popped the ‘p.’

“Oh my god this is great!” Connie wheezed.

Back with the garrison, Harold and Steve continued to try and convince the cadets to come out from the cover of the titan corpse.

“Come out kids,” Harold said, “we’ve got candy!”

“Why are they talking to you three as if you’re 5, though?” asked Sasha.

“I know it looks like we’re aiming at you, but we actually packed the cartridges with marshmallows.” Steve added.

“...I wanna try that.”

“Sasha, we’re not helping you.”

“But Jean, Connie also wants to do it.”

“Fine, but leave me out of it.”

“How about we don’t use firearms to dispense food?”

“Eeek! Sorry captain!”

“We’ve even got Huggable Bear and Theodore Tugboat here.”

“God damnit Harold. They’re not that fucking young! They’re teens, you dumbass.”

“Hey, everyone is a child at heart!”

“Some more than others,” Jean said, “*cough* Eren *cough*”

Under normal circumstances, Mikasa would have given him a death glare but she completely agreed this time. Who could resist how cute he was when he was 17! And when he frowns to hide the truth behind his blush. Sure he has an eight pack or whatever but he will forever be baby in Mikasa’s heart.

“Harold, they’re not buying it.”

“Well, maybe it’s because you sound like a creeper.”

“...What!”

“Rip. He didn’t mean to hurt you. He thought you knew,” Armin shook his head sadly.

“Dude, you’ve totally got a pedo-stache going. It’s disgusting.”

“I’m not a pedo.”

“HEY KIDS, DOES STEVE LOOK LIKE A CHILD TOUCHER FROM OVER THERE!” Harold’s voice echoed.

“I dunno but probably,” Eren shrugged. “It’s kinda hard to tell when I can’t see his face.”

Steve quickly shouted, “don’t ask those fuckers.”

“BOTH OF YOU, SHUT THE FUCK UP,” Kitz reprimanded them.

‘Thank God that’s over,’ Levi put his empty teacup back on the coffee table.

“I didn’t know I had that hole,” whimpered Timmy.

Levi clicked his tongue. ‘Damnit. Spoke too soon.’

An image showing the silos was captioned: These massive grain silos are useful for storing all the food the empire doesn’t have.

Another image showing the microscopic image of yeast was captioned: SOLDIER’S FIELD GUIDE TO SEXUAL DISEASES ; *With special thanks to the Scouting Legion for so vigorously assisting our research; This is what STD’s look like up close; Unprotected sex is like reaching into a mystery box where the very worst prize is the miracle of life The microscope slide was captioned: “We love you!”; “Yeah! Pick me! Pick me!”; “I grow on your balls!”; At the bottom of the screen it said: Jesus Christ Sasha, clean your filthy fucking vag.

“That’s a lot to unpack,” said Jean. “First of all, Sasha-”

“I bathed yesterday!” she defended herself.

“...Okay but did you-”

“Yes!”

“...alright, then second of all: the Scouting Legion assisted their research? That says a LOT about us.”

“...I blame Shadis,” said Levi.

“Same,” agreed Hange.

The scene panned from the top of the wall above the teens down toward them.

“What are we thinking?” asked Mikasa.

“We move onto the second plan!” answered Eren. 

Levi raised an eyebrow, “there was a first plan?”

“We use Armin to get us out of here alive.”

Armin raised an eyebrow, “what am I supposed to do?”

“Go out there and persuade them not to kill us.”

“...HOW?!”

“You’re a nerd, Armin.”

“So are you,” Armin poked Eren’s shoulder.

“I guess you’re not wrong,” Eren shrugged.

Eren continued, “You read books. You’ll figure something out.”

“And what makes you think they’ll listen to me?”

“Because you’re an orphan. And orphans are good at eliciting sympathy.”

“But we’re both orphans. Actually, like, half of us here are orphans,” said Armin. Then he paused. “Actually, Commander Hange, if I may ask-”

“Does it count if they’re dead to me?” they interjected.

“Eh, good enough,” Levi shrugged.

Armin nodded, “so yeah. The orphan card doesn’t really apply. Good try though.”

“Look at you!” Eren continued as the screen zoomed in on Armin’s face, “you’re like a cute, androgynous little gnome.”

“I don’t know how to feel about that comment. At least you called me cute I suppose.”

“You are.”

“Really, Eren?”

“Of course,” Eren smiled softly.

“Eren,” Armin leaned in and put his hand on Eren’s.

Mikasa smirked at the larger group, nodding her head toward the two behind her before she pushed Eren, his face crashing into Armin’s. 

And boy, were those two caught off guard. The kiss, if you could even call it that, was poorly aimed; Eren’s lips met the left half of Armin’s and the blond unfortunately absorbed most of the impact as he hit the armrest.

Eren scrambled to get off his friend. Sure, he likes Armin, but not like that...probably. But that's besides the point. “What the fuck Mikasa?!”

“Don’t joke about it if you aren’t able to do it then, damn,” then she turned back to face the screen.

“You’ll win them over in no time,” Eren encouraged. “Just...you know. Don’t say any weird shit like you always do.”

“You’re asking too much of me,” Armin chuckled.

“But Eren, you know how anxious I get under pressure. That’s when the voices come out,” Armin protested, his pitch going up with each word.

“They’ll see your humanity,” said Mikasa, “if you say literally anything normal.”

“Guys, this is too much pressure!” Armin abruptly turned and shook Eren by his shoulder, “Mr. Whiskers NO!”

Eren stared blankly as his body jerked like a ragdoll. He glanced over to Armin who was grinning then rolled his eyes and smiled.

“Brats, what the fuck?” Levi leaned over the armrest to face them.

“Hey, you were the one who said to treat this like a temporary fact,” said Armin.

Levi raised an eyebrow and everyone shut up.

“Guys, I really don’t think that’s possible,” the blond coconut protested.

Mikasa cut him off, “You’ll be fine!”

“But...” Armin said weakly. Grasping at straws he said, “But why don’t you go yourself. You’re better at everything anyway.”

“Only when it comes to man-strength Armin!” she shouted, “something you wouldn’t know anything about. Knowing you, you should use your weak, womanly ways to convince the commander not to kill us.”

“See? Even the other world knows what’s up” said Armin.

Connie stared at the screen, “but what about Eren?”

“Baby,” both Mikasa and Armin smothered Eren in a squished hug.

The scene shifted to Armin, then quickly zoomed in on his face. “GO FUCK YOURSELF, MIKASA!”

“Alright, I deserved that one,” Mikasa crossed her legs.

“Guys, the cannon is almost in position,” Eren reminded them of where they were. The garrison soldiers were turning the wheels on the side to maneuver the cannon.

Armin stared off distantly and whimpered, “I’m already getting twitchy. And the jitters...”

“Listen,” said Eren, snapping Armin out of his thoughts, “I know you can do this. I believe in you. We all believe in you.”

“That’s not saying a lot. There are two of you in this scenario who believe in me,” said Armin.

“It probably sounded better in my head,” Eren replied.

“They’re placing the firing pin,” Mikasa said in the background as the garrison did exactly that. The soldier nodded to another beside him and she signaled to the captain that the cannon was in position.

“Armin, what’s it gonna be?” Eren asked.

The blond’s eyes were overshadowed by his bangs as he thought , his hair moving with the wind. After a few more seconds he got up. “I’ll do it!”

“YEEEESSSS!!” the middle couch, Hange and Historia cheered.

Rock music began to play as the titan bones cracked again and broke apart. Eren and Mikasa looked up at Armin with shock. The boy turned around and ran toward the garrison troops.

“Armin is lowkey epic,” Connie clenched his shirt by his heart and wiped a fake tear.

“Truely!” Sasha did the same.

“Supportive bestie check!” Jean threw up a peace sign like a gang sign.

‘This is it, Armin,’ he began to hype himself, ‘with Eren’s support and my own natural intelligence, I know I can convince the garrison I’m normal.’

“Dear god, you believed all that? That encouragement was shit,” said Eren.

“Hey, shit jokes are his thing,” Hange pointed their thumb at Levi.

Levi scrunched his nose and clicked his tongue.

It zoomed in on Armin’s face, ‘I must. Everything is riding on this. It’s time to finally prove to the world that I can carry a normal conversation.’

“Is it gonna happen?” Hange nearly dropped the knitting needles as they moved to the edge of their seat. “Is my baby strategist going to have his first normal conversation!”

“Don’t hope too much,” Armin nervously smiled.

He turned to look at his belt as he unlatched his ODM gear, leaving it behind to enhance the image of peace. ‘Here. We. Go!’ Finally reaching the edge of the cloud, Armin crossed his arms in front of his head and slid on his foot to help stop his motion.

“You can do this!” Connie and Sasha cheered.

“Bruh, watch me fail,” Armin snorted. 

Eren snorted. That would make for a great ending. Everyone dead because they killed the trio and Marley’s invasion succeeded. 

Yeah, no.

“You!” yelled Kitz as he threw his palms in front of himself, “stop right there!” 

A soldier cocked his rifle.

Kitz scoffed as he watched Armin put his hands up in surrender, “Traitor! You have shown your true colors today. For your crimes I have no choice but to execute you all.”

“Our friend isn’t a titan,” Armin shouted back at him. “He’s an ally. And I can prove it using logic.”

“FUCK LOGIC!”

“Wait, what the fuck?” Jean gave a wide-eyed frown at the screen, “I didn’t think he would be that stupid. He’s a captain for god’s sake!”

“He IS trying to kill us though,” said Armin.

“He’s a bitch is what he is,” Historia rolled her eyes.

“Can you seriously not see his strategic importance?” Armin asked. Then the screen turned green on his face, ‘itchy! So scratchy! Keep it together.’

“And I’m over there, trying my hardest to be normal. He has the AUDACITY to stop me from trying to do something way out of my comfort zone when I haven’t had a good hit in ages!” Armin pouted slightly as he softly glared at the screen.

Erwin leaned over to Levi, “what’s this about taking ‘hits’?”

Levi whispered back, “they huff laughing gas here, and it seems they use it in the gas canisters.”

Hange crept up behind them and whispered, “Though that seems quite physically challenging given that laughing gas wouldn’t have the same propulsion power as iceburst stone.”

“Hange!” Levi flinched to the armrest at the feeling of hot breath on his neck, slapping his hand over neck.

Hange just giggled and sat back down.

The screen moved back to Kitz without the filter, “You’re asking me to think. That’s below my rank! Stupid child!”

“Is that why Rico does all the thinking?” said Connie. 

“Well someone has to,” Armin shrugged, “and it sure as hell ain’t that rat man.” He pointed at the screen with his thumb. 

“Pfft! Rat man?” Connie could barely breathe through his laughter.

Armin gestured behind himself to his friends, “then how can I prove we’re allies?”

“YOU CAN’T!” the garrison captain screams at the poor boy. “YOU NEVER COULD! YOU WERE FUCKED FROM THE BEGINNING!”

Back with green Armin, he whimpered, ‘oh no. My feet!’

Kitz continued, “and now the games have gone far enough. Members of the garrison.” The scene panned over all the soldiers there. “On my mark,” Kitz raised his arm, “OPEN FIRE!”

“COMMANDER, WAIT!” yelled Timmy.

“See? Timmy is the real OG,” said Jean.

“He is until you hear what he says next,” said Armin as he remembered what happened in the real world. That was when they talked about Mikasa being the top soldier, though that didn’t stop Kitz from being ready to give the order...

Kitz turned to face the soldier, “damnit Timmy, not now.”

“Commander, cadets Jäger and Ackerman are invaluable warriors and thus completely expendable, but you should know that cadet Arlert is rumored to be one of the most fucked up people in this world.”

Green Armin clenched his teeth, ‘no! They found my secret!’

“No! They found my secret!” Armin said at the same time as his counterpart. ‘Huh. We really are on a similar wavelength.’

“Oh really?” Understanding washed over the captain who then looked back to the young cadet.

Armin went green again, ‘act normal. *Meow*’ The scene pivoted to the front of Armin with a red filter, shaking a bit. ‘NO MR. WHISKERS! NOT NOW!’

“And just fucked up are we talking?” Kitz turned back to Timmy.

“I mean,” Jean glanced at Armin.

Red Armin’s head shook side to side as Mr. Whiskers meowed in the background, ‘GET YOUR LITTLE CLAWY-CLAWS OUT OF MY EYES!’

“Yeah, that fucked up,” Jean concluded.

Timmy’s lower lip wobbled, “fucked up enough, some say, to rival even YOU.”

“That’s it,” Armin gaped.

“What?” asked Hange. “Oh wait, you mean?”

“Mhm!” he nodded. “We are the same in every way except for a few crucial details: I actually have intelligence and common fucking sense.”

“Holy shit, you went there!” Connie cheered. “I’d go over and high five you but Mikasa scares me.”

Mikasa stared at Connie.

“Yeah, that’s valid,” Eren nodded without looking back at him. 

Kitz closed his eyes and let the wind blow for a few seconds. “To rival ME, you say.”

“Bruh, you aren’t even close to him. Don’t put yourself up on his level,” Sasha took a bite of bread.

“ARMIN ARLERT!”

“MEOW!” Armin shouted in response. Or perhaps it was Mr. Whiskers.

“Is what they say true?” asked the captain. “Are you truly a fucked up little shit?”

“Yeah,” Armin confirmed.

“Yup,” Eren agreed.

“He’s a soft boi though,” Mikasa added.

“Yeeeessss,” Historia groaned.

“He’s our soft lil gremlin boi. He could kill us and leave no bodies but we still love him,” said Hange.

“I mean, yes but...wait WHAT?!” Connie shouted.

“Shhh,” Armin put a finger to his lips. “That’s reserved for those who’ve betrayed me.”

“I haven’t done anything, right?”

“...”

“I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING, RIGHT?”

“Come on, Armin. You're scaring him,” Mikasa scolded the blond.

Armin snorted, “yeah, yeah. You’re fine Connie.”

Sweat dripped down the back of Connie’s neck. “For real?”

“...”

“?!”

“Yep!”

Connie felt his soul leave his body. “Thanks,” he collapsed onto the back of the couch.

“Well, I think I’m perfectly normal,” Armin began.

“Says the guy who literally said he wasn’t to us,” Eren said to Mikasa.

Mikasa hummed in agreement.

“But I may have some desires that some classify as...” Armin searched for the right words, “off.”

“‘Off’ is putting it lightly,” Jean said under his breath.

Connie and Historia snorted.

Kitz’s face was overshadowed by the setting sun, “OK, private Arlert. We’re going to play a little game.” The scene panned over to Eren and Mikasa who were watching everything unfold. “One that will determine not only your own survival, but that of your bitch friends as well.”

“What the-did I just hear that right?” Jean blinked. “Alright, Eren, I can see, but Mikasa is literally perfect!”

“What about me?” asked Armin.

“He wasn’t talking about you though.”

“I’m aware. I just wanted to know what you thought of me,” Armin looked down at his hands with a frown, “I guess I’m not even worth describing.”

Mikasa glared at Jean as she and Eren awkwardly gave Armin a hug since he was at the end of the couch.

“Dude, we’re friends! I love and appreciate your existence!” Jean tried to mediate but Armin brought out the fake tears and pouty lips.

“Why are you so mean to me?” the blond whined, slightly muffled by the heavy dogpile hug he was under from the other two from Shiganshina.

“I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me Mikasa!!” Jean curled up and wrapped his arms around his head.

Historia began laughing. “I’m sorry! You all are just such crackheads today, holy shit!”

“Always happy to be of service,” Mikasa said, back in her spot as if nothing had happened.

“Sir, this is a horrific misuse of command,” Armin protested. 

“SILENCE!” the garrison captain shouted to cut the boy off. “Armin Arlert, I challenge you to a personal duel to the death! We shall fight with words to determine once and for all: who is the most fucked up human being on this planet?”

“Mmmm, he’s playing with fire there,” Connie then turned to Sasha, “he better be prepared to be absolutely toasted, burned and roasted.”

Sasha nodded in agreement. Then an idea popped in her head, “pot roast or rib roast or-”

“Are we still talking about the rat man?”

“Huh what?” then she realized, “oh, naw I was just thinking out loud.”

“...about the rat man??”

“No?”

“Why did you say that like a question?!”

“I’m not planning on eating Captain Woermann, jeez!”

Connie eyed Sasha skeptically but didn’t question any further.

Armin sparked with determination, “now this, I can do.”

“We’re rooting for you our little Aryan Coconut!” Hange cheered.

The others cheered in agreement for their beloved ocean man.

*Take my by the hand/lead me to the land that you understand*

The Attack Titan played in the background as Armin took the first shot. “I PLAY WITH HUMAN DOLLS!”

“Does it really count if they’re just his voodoo dolls? Voodoo isn’t even a real thing,” said Connie.

“It’s the thought that counts,” Erwin said wisely.

“I PLAY WITH HUMAN LIVES!” Kitz countered.

“How?” asked Jean, “the worst you could do is probably derail their finances by firing them from the military.”

“I LAUGH AT DEATH!”

“You got horny for death, don’t even give me that crap,” said Levi.

“It’s better than being horny TO death. That would be both a fun and not fun way to go,” Armin said. 

“Sounds like how Jean would go,” Eren snorted.

Jean flushed, “oh yeah? At least I appreciate Mikasa. You always brush her off and blatantly ignore her feelings. Ack!”

Mikasa grabbed Eren and Jean by their collars and bashed their heads together, careful not to injure them.

“Mikasa, what the fuck!?” Jean shouted as both young men rubbed their heads.

“I couldn’t give both of you the death glare at the same time,” she shrugged.

“But why was this your solution?” Jean found some ice wrapped in cloth and put it on his temple. Yeah, that was gonna bruise.

“She learned that move from my mom,” Eren winced as he applied pressure on his forehead and accepted another ice pack from Jean.

“Your mother?” Levi asked with uncertainty.

“She used to work as a barmaid,” Eren explained, though most of this information was from his father and Shadis. “I can faintly recall the townsfolk call her ‘die Königin dem Kneipe’ which basically means ‘the queen of the bar.’”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Levi’s eyes widened. He had only heard whispers of such a terrifying woman when he lived in the Underground. Kenny had told him to avoid her at all costs when the man returned with prominent bruising after a three day trip. He never would have thought that the woman, who even those in the innermost sector of the walls feared, was this titan-shifting brat’s mom.

“I WORSHIP SATAN ON THE WEEKENDS!”

Armin’s face went dark, “SATAN. WORSHIPS. ME!”

“Plot twist: that statement is true,” Eren presented his hot take.

“Plot twist: I am Satan,” said Armin.

“Hot take: Satan is Gandhi,” Connie said.

“I got this,” said Sasha, “Eren is broke; Armin is woke and Connie is bespoke.”

“I LICK TEARS OFF OF ORPHANS!”

“Ew! Don’t get anywhere near our faces!” said Armin.

“Why would you even do that? The amount of dirt and filth in the human mouth combined with the filth on someone’s face and in their tears is probably enough to start another plague.” The Levi added, “fucking disgusting.”

“...Lovely,” Historia wasn’t sure what else to say to that.

“I CALL ARSON A CAREER!”

 “I told you, short-stack!” Hange thrust their fist up into the air. “Yes!”

“Just because the government pays us to test explosives sometimes, doesn’t mean that setting shit on fire is your job,” Levi said pointedly.

“Awww,” Hange deflated but Erwin patted their back.

“I JOINED THE MILITARY TO WATCH PEOPLE DIE!”

“Sure, but you joined the garrison,” said Jean. “If you really wanted to watch death, you would have manned-up and joined the scouts.”

“Do we really want him here though?” asked Sasha.

“True. Nevermind, then. He can continue to be an illogical bitchy piece of shit.”

“I CELEBRATE HUMAN FAILURE!”

“You must celebrate us all the time then, Armin.”

Armin blinked as his mouth formed an ‘o,’ “Captain, why??”

“Am I wrong?”

“No, but-”

“Then shut up.”

“I SEND MEN TO CERTAIN DEATH!”

“Again, how?” asked Connie.

“I HARASS THE ELDERLY!”

“The only old person you knew was your grandpa, and he treated you like shit here,” Eren brought up.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t still harass him,” Armin replied.

Kitz stepped forward, “I INJECT MY SOLDIERS WITH DISEASE!”

“Maybe that’s how he watches people die despite being in the garrison,” Hange suggested as they stitched the last bind off on the second sock. ‘Time to begin another pair,’ they thought as they grabbed the blue yarn hank.

“Levi, put the bleach down,” Erwin sighed as he massaged his temples.

“If he’s diseased we need to sanitize him at least 10 times over just to make sure that shit is gone,” the captain tried to reason.

“But the bleach would kill him,” Eren pointed out.

“So?” Kitz was kind of a worthless piece of shit. He was more surprised that natural selection hadn’t passed.

“Levi, no,” Erwin said. “Put that away and get back here.”

Levi grumbled but did what he was told.

“I THROW ROCKS AT THE HOMELESS.”

“Oh yeah?!” The captain stepped forward, “WELL YOU WOULDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE YOU’RE A VIRGIN, BUT CASUALTIES ARE MY FAVORITE FORM OF SEXUAL FOREPLAY!” 

There was a beat as everyone processed what was just said but after that passed there was screaming and sounds of disgust.

“Oh god, I did not need to know that,” Connie covered his mouth.

“I actually think I’ve lost my appetite,” Sasha put her plate down onto the coffee table.

The breeze blew loudly as the scene split in four. Eren was shown followed by Mikasa, Kitz and Armin on the right.

“YES!” Then the man maniacally laughed, “FOOLISH CHILD!” 

Armin stared up mutely in horror. Eren leaned forward but stopped himself from advancing.

“YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD MATCH WITS WITH THE WORST OF US AND WIN! YOU PLAYED THE CARDS OF A PETULANT BOY, ARMIN ARLERT. NOW, YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS WILL DIE!”

“By the walls, if he actually wins this, I will go over to the garrison HQ and personally kill him,” said Hange. No one gets away with hurting their kids.

“I’ll help you cover it up,” Levi volunteered.

“And we wouldn’t say a thing,” Armin spoke for his trio and the middle couch.

“And if worst comes to worst, I’ll pull a few strings. It probably won’t come to that,” Historia said.

“Please don’t,” Erwin said, “we already have Grisha’s shit to deal with in the afterlife. We don’t need you all to add fuel to the fire.”

“Alright, but can we still be his cause of death when it is his time?” asked Levi.

“Levi, you can’t know when that is.”

“He could die of natural causes.”

“That’s what you said about the criminal you pushed off the bell tower!”

“Hey, gravity is natural.”

Erwin groaned.

Armin whipped his head around to gape at his friends.

‘Armin, I know you can still win this. I believe in you,’ Mikasa mentally encouraged him.

‘There’s nobody creepier than you,’ Eren nodded and smiled, ‘you got this.’

Armin clenched his teeth so tightly his mouth trembled, ‘you thought you were fighting a mere mortal. You thought you could probe the darkness that is my mind!’

“By the walls! Okay, it’s happening. Everybody stay calm,” Hange put their arms up with their palms facing out.

“He’s doing it guys!” Connie cheered.

“Stay fucking calm!” Hange said right after.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Erwin tried to mediate but Hange interrupted him.

“Everyone, now fucking calm down!”

“I am fucking calm god damn it! Shut the fuck up!” Levi hissed at them.

“...go Armin,” Sasha said in a small voice.

“Thanks,” Armin replied in an equally soft tone as Levi glared at the two of them.

Armin faced Kitz once more with his arms in a perfect salute, “FOOL! I SHALL DROWN YOU IN THE MAELSTROM OF MY NIGHTMARES! MY TENTACLES WILL TWIST AND CONTORT YOUR THROAT, AS I THROTTLE YOU WITH VISIONS OF HERMAPHRODITIC SUCCUBI, AND VIOLENT OEDIPEDAL RAPE FANTACIES!” 

“Ooooo, this is gross but oddly impressive,” said Armin. So this was what his other self was capable of.

Red flooded the screen as the scene zoomed in on Armin’s face. “I WILL TAKE YOUR CITIES. I WILL SUBJUGATE YOUR CHILDREN!” Mikasa and Eren watched as if it were a normal Tuesday, but the soldiers all showed varying signs of horror. 

“I like how Eren and Mikasa aren’t phased in the slightest,” Connie let out a short, “huh.”

“We’ve known him for years,” replied Eren, “it shouldn’t be all that surprising to be honest.”

“But still! How are you so desensitized to that stuff?” asked Jean.

“We did it differently in Shiganshina,” Mikasa answered.

Jean opened his mouth to say something, but stopped when a note dropped onto his lap. “This one is actually a fact.” His brow furrowed as his mouth fell open, “I guess I should have known. I don’t even know what to expect at this point.”

“I WILL RAPE AND DEVOUR YOUR ARMIES!”

“Cannibal Armin confirmed?” asked Sasha.

“I mean, technically-” Eren was cut off by Mikasa slapping her hand on his mouth.

“Yeah, we all know I ate Bert, jeez,” Armin finished. “At least I didn't eat my father.”

“Low blow, Armin,” Eren said after he managed to get Mikasa off of him. “You know what, at least I took the role no one would take. I stepped up for everyone.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’m so glad you asked. I stepped up and became the disappointment.”

“Don’t say that,” Mikasa warned.

“It’s alright. I’ve made my peace with being an Arschegeige.”

“What does that even mean?!” asked Jean who was slowly losing his mind. Shiganshina was fucking weird. They didn’t have anything weird in Trost-wait. Jean realized, ‘we had french...’

“Well, it directly translates to ass violin,” Armin began but didn’t get to finish.

“You called yourself an ass violin?” Jean squinted at Eren.

“It means I’m unskilled and therefore the disappointment. Though at least I don’t have a Backpfeifengesicht.”

“Just because I don’t know what you said, doesn’t mean I don’t know when I’m being insulted!”

“I thought he had a Pferdegesicht,” Armin giggled.

“The answer is yes,” said Mikasa. “Both are true.”

“Not you too Mikasa!” Jean whined. 

“What did you say though, Eren?” Hange abandoned their sock project for their third notebook.

“I said he had a punchable face,” Eren shrugged.

“And I said he had a horse face but in German,” Armin added.

“Betrayed! By my own squad, nonetheless!” Jean said dramatically with a hand over his heart and the back of the other on his forehead. 

Then the scene landed on Kitz, “BUT YOU! ONLY YOU SHALL SURVIVE! SO YOU MAY BARE TESTAMENT TO MY WILL AND ULTIMATE REVENGEANCE!”

As Armin finished, the scene zoomed out behind the garrison captain and the red filter faded away. The reactions were revealed in time with the music as that finally finished and the screen went dark. 

“Yes! Let’s gooooo!” cheered the middle couch and Hange.

“You have him in the corner now,” Erwin nodded.

“Not bad,” Levi pursed his lips.

When the black faded, the scene was on Kitz who was eying Armin with horror.

‘No! NO!’ A red Kitz said in his mind, ‘the prophecy said that I would find the chosen one but...’ Kitz raised his hand in slow-motion, ‘the prophecies were wrong!’

“You are the chosen one though. You said so like two hours ago,” said Jean. 

“Thanks but we should all agree that whatever he’s saying is garbage,” Armin glared at the screen.

Everyone hummed in agreement.

A light blue Armin’s face fell as he watched the garrison captain’s reaction.

‘I AM the chosen one!’ Kitz declared. ‘The mantle is mine to bear.’

“Uuuuugggggghhhhh. I just wanna wrap my hands around his throat,” Hange groaned.

“Hange, you can’t afford another incident. They said they forgave us for the stunt you pulled in Trost, capturing those titans, but you’re still on their shit list,” said Erwin.

“But Historia agreed to bust us out!”

“I could take care of it,” Eren and Levi both volunteered. They gave each other blank stares.

“Okay Levi, I understand, but Eren?” Erwin asked.

“Oh my god, you should have seen it!” Hange squealed. “You remember how he killed some human traffickers when he was 9?”

“Yes,” Erwin slowly nodded. “It was in his file.”

“You need to see that moment then. My explanation probably won’t do it justice.” 

A small device plopped onto Erwin’s lap with a triangle on the screen. “Oh! A mobile phone.”

“What?!” Hange then shook their head and silenced themself. There would be other opportunities.

Erwin tapped the triangle and watched as a 9 year old Eren murdered 2 grown men. “Huh. You aimed right for the first one’s carotid artery.”

“As someone with medical knowledge, I know how to repair as well as destroy,” Eren gave him a blank expression, his head tilted slightly to the side.

“Riveting. Well, you two can decide amongst yourselves I suppose,” Erwin resigned himself as they all seemed dead set on killing him. Now that he was dead, he wasn’t really one for inspiring others into doing his will anymore. He was more of a NEET as Carla had put it.

Mikasa reached for the hilt of her blade. 

‘Mine alone!’ Kitz continued.

“PREPARE TO FIRE!” Kitz ordered the soldiers by the cannons. He started to signal but the screen went white on beat with the sound of a drum.

“Nooooo!” Connie and Sasha shouted.

There was a hand gripping on the captain’s arm.

“This has gone far enough,” said Pixis as he faded into view.

There was a chorus of “yes” around the room.

“Pixis?!” said an oblivious soldier. He was literally right next to the Captain and no one saw him.

“They just noticed him? He’s their commander!”

“It’s alright Jean. We make up for the brain cells of the military.”

“No, Connie, that’s Armin and Hange. No offence to you Commander Erwin, but I figured you wouldn’t really count since you’re dead.”

“None taken, Kirstein.”

Captain Woermann relaxed as Pixis shifted his focus onto the EMA trio, walking close to the edge of the platform.

“How could you fire on that scrappy little boy?” Pixis asked Kitz. “Look at him,” the scene panned over to Armin with a scrunched expression, “look at his salute.”

“Eren was right for once. They didn’t kill you because 15-year-old-Armin’s so pure and cute.”

“That says a LOT about Pixis, Jean.”

“I was trying to ignore that Historia but thanks for reminding me.”

“Anytime.”

Kitz looked at Pixis incredulously but Pixis didn’t notice, “hm, look at his tight uniform. Yes, Pixis likes!” 

“And now Pixis is on my shit list,” Historia smiled. She had an orphanage for this exact reason; the prevention child abuse of any kind.

Pixis turned to his left, “I think there’s been enough drama here today. You’re relieved of your duties, commander. These three shall live.”

“As much as I want to hate him, he’s done so much for us,” said Armin. “He basically made sure Eren was spared, here and during the trial because of the tie-breaker.” 

“Of course you would say that. You’re both insane,” said Historia.

“Hey, can someone pass the salt?” Sasha said after regaining her appetite.

Levi lifted Historia and her chair.

“I mean actual salt. Again. Please.”

Levi clicked his tongue and gently set the disgruntled queen back onto the ground.

Armin collapsed to his knees with tears in his eyes and a relieved smile. Eren’s hand was raised, prepared to go titan and Mikasa was close to putting on Armin’s discarded gear but both were frozen with surprise. The purple flowers swayed in the breeze then the scene went dark.

“I like how the flowers are just vibing. Like, I would want to be the flower,” said Sasha.

“And get front row seats to that ?” Jean asked. “No way.”

“But they didn’t even get any damage,” said Connie, then he put his hand on his chin. “This reminds me of something though.”

Mikasa set her fist on her palm, “Floch.”

“He’s like the 0.01% of bacteria the hand sanitizer doesn’t kill,” Levi smirked.

Eren snorted, “good one, Captain.”

Later, everyone was on top of wall Rose. 

“Dot Pixis,” a voice narrated as he watched the titans grab at the wall. “Supreme commander of the entire southern region.” Pixis grabbed his flask and took a swig. “He was widely known as a brilliant strategist and a raging alcoholic.” The EMA trio looked over the wall, Eren on his knees from exhaustion.

“Yikes, Eren. Did you inhale Armin’s gas supply? Like, what is going on there?” asked Connie.

“I just used my powers like twice consecutively for the first time, you dick,” Eren replied.

“It was coke,” Armin chuckled, “everyone saw his nosebleed and all the dust around us after he saved us from that cannonball.”

“Armin, you promised not to tell them!” Eren pouted.

“I confessed to my huffing habit. It’s time you confessed about your drug habit as well.”

“Now I KNOW y’all are pulling my neck on this one,” said Connie. “Eren does both coke and weed? Wouldn’t he be higher than a kite like ALL the time? We would probably notice that.”

“He has some of his mom’s tolerance I think,” Armin said as he grabbed some chips. “Pair that with titan healing and you see exactly why he wasn’t getting drunk when we stayed at that refugee camp.”

“Ugh, I’m never going near alcohol ever again,” Sasha began turning green at the memory.

“And all the whores and politicians will look up and shout ‘save us,’” Pixis looked down at the titans. “And I’ll whisper ‘nooooooo,’” he drew out the last word in a high pitch.

“There was a difference between them four years ago?” asked Historia.

“I don’t know whether or not I take offence to that,” said Levi,

“Yes,” Erwin said at the same time Hange said, “no!”

 “Thanks. Real helpful,” Levi rolled his eyes.

“He also was completely insane,” the narrator said.

“Let’s be real though, who isn’t in this world?” Jean asked.

“Probably Eren,” Armin replied without missing a beat.

“Eren? Really?”

“Yeah. He and our Eren are the most alike out of all our likeness to our counterparts. Except for Hange...but they seem pretty crazy...”

“And HE sets the standard for normal?”

“Is there anyone else that you can think of who is more realistic?” Armin raised an eyebrow.

“...fuck you. You win.”

Armin smirked, “always do.”

Kitz paced on the ground, still disappointed that he couldn’t kill children, “I can’t believe it! How could I have lost to him!” His gaze settled on the top of the wall.

“Awww, is someone butt-hurt about losing to a child,” Rico said in a slightly babyish voice.

Kitz turned away from her and whined, “no.”

“He’s more of a lil bitch than Eren,” said Armin. “And, sure, I’m biased or whatever because he tried to kill us, but damn I hate that guy.”

“Rico’s kinda funny though,” said Hange.

“That’s her name?” said Connie, “we really don’t know like...anyone do we.”

“Eh, that’s not a big concern,” Erwin reassured, “I only knew the scouts and high ranked officers from other branches.”

“...that’s a lot of people.”

“The Survey Corps was like 9 people after you died. So in a way, we did know the same number of people,” said Armin.

“...Well that was sad,” Hange broke everyone out of their daze, “let’s keep watching!”

Back on top of the wall, everyone looked over to Trost.

“Ah, time for a wank,” Pixis sighed.

“General,” Eren said, “we-we’re still here.” He looked like a raccoon after all that titan-shifting.

“It’s a good thing you did all that training on your shifting,” Armin fist-bumped Eren’s shoulder.

Eren nodded, “I thought I was gonna pass out at any second, not gonna lie.”

“Historia, look!” Hange held up a pair of freshly-made tiny socks, “itty bitty socks for little piggies!”

Historia’s eyes lit up, “Hange these are so cute!”

“Don’t you think this is a bit excessive?” Erwin looked down at the pile of socks on the couch in the space between himself and Hange.

“On the contrary, I think it’s perfect!” Hange clapped their hands together. “I should start making sweaters!” Then, they quickly got back to work. How did they manage to make so many socks in about two and a half hours? No one knows.

“Oh. How silly of me. I almost forgot.” Pixis peered at the trio over his shoulder and tapped his head, “I was merely thinking out loud.”

“That doesn’t make it any better!” Historia took a deep breath. Stress is bad for the baby, and she wasn’t talking about Eren because he looks dead already. “You know what? I can look past that. He’s not that bad in real life.”

“General!” Eren said with exasperation.

“I gotta agree with Eren on this one,” said Hange, working some white yarn into the forest green sweater. 

“What are you putting on the sides there?” Erwin pointed to the white stitches among the green.

“I’m gonna put the Wings of Freedom on the sleeves like we had on our jackets. I just hope that I’m guessing everyone’s sizes correctly.” 

“It’s not a huge problem if you don’t though, right-”

Hange cut Connie off, “it's a MASSIVE problem! I would have to unravel the whole thing and start over from scratch.” Comical tears ran down the commander’s cheeks.

“Oh.” Connie awkwardly readjusted himself in his seat and faced the screen.

Pixis corrected him, “call me Pixis.”

“Um, Pixis,” Eren said with uncertainty then asked his question, “are you ever going to decide what’s going to happen to us? ‘Cause for the past 30 minutes, you’ve just been standing there drinking and hocking loogies on the titans.”

“Ah, well obviously you three aren’t being executed,” Pixis said, making Eren look down and Armin sigh as Mikasa shifted her focus onto Eren, “but I am interested in what you can offer. You there. Little rat child.” 

“No!” Sasha giggled, “Armin’s a rat!”

“He’s the same or at least a similar brand of messed up as Captain Woermann,” said Connie.

“Don’t compare me to the walrus-faced wannabe!” Armin nearly squawked.

“I’m sorry Armin,” Eren cupped the blond’s shoulder, “this is way too funny not to.”

Armin whined at that.

“I seem to recall you mentioning something about Eren’s strategic importance.”

“Yes sir,” Armin saluted.

“Call me Pixis,” the garrison commander insisted.

“Right...I said that because I believe Eren can save the city.”

“And how so?”

“Here’s my idea: We’ll escort Eren into the city without the titans seeing us. (It showed the boulder) If we can get him to that giant boulder, he can use his titan power to move it and seal the gate. (It shifted to the gate) As long as we can keep titans off of him, we should be able to close the gap and retake Trost.”

“Our little genius is at it again!” Hange air high-fived Armin, the mound of knitting stuff almost getting knocked away if it weren’t for Erwin.

Eren looked up at Armin, still looking like a drug addict, “what the hell, man! You mind asking me before you sign me up for a suicide mission.”

“Should be right up your alley for a suicidal bastard like you,” Jean sat back and crossed his arms.

“Excuse you, my mother and father were married so your statement is technically wrong. I’m a suicidal idiot,” Eren said, “get it right.”

“Hey Armin,” Mikasa looked over to the other man over Eren’s back, “do we have any spare belts?”

Armin nodded, “I think we might even have some metal chairs with bars and some spare cloth.”

“Hey, mom stopped doing that when I was five,” Eren leaned back into his seat, blocking Mikasa’s view of Armin. She leaned forward to look at both boys instead.

Mikasa raised an eyebrow, “and I have man-strength. Your point is?”

‘Shit, she’s right,’ Eren jumped out of his seat and pivoted to run but he was pulled back by his shirt onto Mikasa’s lap.

“I got the supplies,” Armin said from behind the couch. Everyone looked over to the EMA trio. Armin leaned his arms on the back of a metal chair with belts around the bars, a rag twisting in his hands.

“...This almost has a similar vibe to Premier Zackley’s shit-eating chair,” Levi pursed his lips. He watched as Mikasa and Armin man-handled Eren and secured him in the chair, gagging him with the rag and tying it behind his head.

“And you said Carla used to do this to him?” asked Erwin.

“WHEN HE WAS FIVE?” Jean hissed.

“Dr. Jäger was actually the one who coddled him most of the time,” said Mikasa, “and besides, he only received harsh punishments like this when he was in BIG trouble...” She put a finger on her chin, “I guess that was pretty often though.”

“She would get increasingly creative with them, but one thing she made sure to not do was hit him,” said Armin. “He got enough of that on the daily anyway thanks to me,” he looked down sheepishly.

“Eren’s told me so many times he wished she spanked him instead, but I don’t know what the fuss was all about. Carla’s punishments weren’t that bad.” Mikasa shrugged.

Connie threw his hands in front of himself and gestured to Eren. “He’s literally bound and gagged to a chair, what the fuck! And he’s crying.” Those who weren’t looking glanced over and yup, those were tears.

Mikasa waved him off. “Crocodile tears. He’s actually really good at crying on command.” 

Eren glared at Mikasa.

“How long do you think we should leave him there for?” said Mikasa as she walked back to her seat.

“I don’t know. Like 20 minutes? We don’t know how long we’re going to be here for,” replied Armin.

She nodded. “Sounds good.”

Eren made muffled sounds from behind them but was ignored.

“Don’t worry, Eren,” said Armin as Pixis watched, “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” 

Pixis turned back to look over Trost. “Plug the giant-ass hole with a giant-ass boulder using a giant-ass, giant. Tactical genius!”

“It is a very impressive titanic ass, eh, eh?” Hange wiggled their eyebrows.

“Ha ha, very punny,” Levi said as he rolled his eyes.

“Alright,” said Connie. “Everyone say it with me: dat ass.”

There was a chorus of professional military personnel saying, “dat ass.” What a time to be alive.

“But sir, I’m a novice. There are many-”

“IT’S FIVE O’ CLOCK,” Pixis interrupted. “Time for a drink.” Then he took another swig from his flask.

Eren, Armin and Mikasa watched the commander ruin his liver with uncertainty.

“Pixis likes,” the commander said off-screen.

“Mmmm this is so hard to ignore,” Historia said in a nervous, sing-songy tone. She had experience with this brand of child abuse after talking in so many children in the orphanage. This was basically alcoholic step-father all over again. “Yup good times.”

Then the old commander walked over to the trio again. “Now, I just have one question.” He kneeled to Eren’s level.

Eren looked up then rasped, “yes?”

Pixis belched. “Uh, sorry. Drunk.”

“Certified bruh moment,” said Connie.

“Yup,” Sasha huffed.

“My question, dear Eren: knowing full well the risks and responsibilities that this entails, will you help us take back Trost?”

“I don’t know,” Eren answered. “I only just gained this power,” then he averted his eyes, “and I don’t know how it works.” Mikasa and Armin watched in shock as Eren spouted his thoughts. “What if I fail? What if everyone dies because of me?” 

Mikasa frowned sadly because all of his unfortunate concerns were valid.

“I mean...” Jean trailed off. 

“He’s not wrong,” said Levi. Alright, he was a tad bit salty about the whole 9 people being left in the Scouts four years ago but it wasn’t entirely his fault. Though perhaps if they had erased his doubts, more people would have been able to rely on him. That in it of itself was practically impossible given that everyone was nervous if he was within their sight. They could not change the past, however. They’d just have to live with what they had now.

“Look at me. Eren,” Pixis said softly. 

Eren looked back up at the commander.

“What do you see?”

“Sir?” asked Eren.

“You see a drunk, perverted old man.”

“At least he’s self-aware,” Jean shrugged.

“That’s not really making it better for me,” Historia apologised.

“But behind the whiskey-breath, dementia and decade-old stains, there’s a mind that always seeks to win. A mind capable of finding light on even the darkest of nights. And right now, I see a bright star burning in front of me. One that can guide us out of the abyss and into the light.”

Eren’s eyes grew wide.

“Look behind you,” Pixis looked to Eren’s right over at the wall Rose territory. “There lies everyone that has ever been,” Eren turned to look behind himself, “everyone you’ll ever know, and everyone you’ll ever love.”

‘And then everything changed when we went into your basement,’ Levi glanced back at Eren. Armin seemed to be counting off the last few seconds on the wall-mounted clock before he got up and unstrapped Eren.

“Was that really necessary?” Eren moved his joints to get rid of the stiffness then walked back and sat down.

“I’m surprised we didn’t do this earlier,” Armin shrugged as he returned to his seat.

“I was upset earlier,” Mikasa averted her eyes and put her scarf over her nose.

“Ah, right. Sorry.”

“The combined might of our military has no chance of stopping the titans.” The scene zoomed out to a birds-eye view of the walled territory.

“Yeah, because it only took the people in this room to eradicate them,” Sasha held her hand up.

Connie high-fived her without looking.

“But you do. And not only do I believe in you,” the scene faded back to Eren, “but so do your sister and best friend.”

Eren shrugged, “three people is something I guess.” His braid was beginning to unravel again.

“Hm. Wars have been won on much less.”

“War? They never taught us about war in school,” said Sasha.

“I guess there was that ongoing thing against the titans but he said ‘wars’ as in plural, so I don’t know. Maybe he had knowledge that no one else did,” Armin suggested. He wouldn’t put it past him to have some fourth dimension of knowledge.

“Perhaps,” Hange nodded as they snipped the pattern colors from their skeins then resumed with the green for the body. They were itching to write some notes but they didn’t want to have to frog a bunch of their progress or tink anything. They could barely keep count of what row they were on without all that.

“I would not ask it of you if I did not believe, but I do. So, what’ll it be, soldier?”

Eren raised his head. “I’ll do it.”

“Then it’s settled,” said Pixis. “We attack.”

“That was possibly the most uncomfortable conversation about battle strategy I’ve ever heard,” said Erwin.

Later, Eren walked on top of the wall with Pixis. 

‘Can this really be?’ Eren asked himself. ‘Is this really happening? I have no idea whether this will work or not. But for once, I’ve been given a chance.’ The scene flashed briefly as it changed to a close up of Eren’s face.

“You don’t look constipated anymore, Eren.”

“I guess he can thank the walls for titan powers, Captain.”

“But titan powers will also be our death, Armin.”

“Fuck the walls for titan powers,” said Mikasa.

‘This is the moment I’ve been waiting for! The moment to show them...To show everyone!’ The scene shifted to the mess that was Trost. ‘That I’m worth something. That I can make a difference. It’s all I ever wanted.’

But did he ever get what he wanted? The rumbling was his only plan, after all. Eren didn’t know what else to do at this point with all the futures he had seen. Hell, Bertholdt wasn’t even supposed to die yet four years ago. Or was he? What was supposed to happen next? 

What?

An image of Mikasa during training flashed as Eren thought, ‘Mikasa.’

An image of Armin confessing he would have specialized in abortion flashed as Eren thought, ‘Armin.’

An image of Jean leaving Mikasa for dead flashed as Eren thought, ‘Jean.’

“Wait, you weren’t even there for that, Eren.”

“And your point is, Jean?”

“My point is, why would you reminisce about people in the moments you weren’t even there for?”

“Hell if I know. Why? Do you have a personal grudge against that world or something?”

“No, it just doesn’t make any sense...”

An image of Sasha harpooning Samuel’s leg flashed as Eren thought, ‘Sasha.’

An image of Reiner saying Poundtown after they did shrooms flashed as Eren thought, ‘Reiner.’

An image of Connie calling Mikasa a bitch while on helium flashed as Eren thought, ‘Connie.’

An image of Marco calling Jean the biggest pussy of them all flashed as Eren thought, ‘Marco.’

“Okay, I DEFINITELY know you weren’t there for that.”

“What’s the matter, Jean? Afraid of being a pussy? You should take that as a compliment because, like, look at Mikasa. Prime example right there of the benefits of having one.”

Jean flushed. That wasn’t his point and seriously? Why was that idiot instigating his inner simp??

“Eren, stop being a dick.”

“Sorry Mikasa,” he grumbled.

An image of Annie killing titans in the armory flashed as Eren thought, ‘Annie.’

“I feel like I missed someone,” Eren brought a knuckle to his lips.

“You missed Bertholdt,” Historia said. “But he said like 3 things, so I don’t blame you.”

The scene returned to Eren, ‘Tomorrow, I'll show them all! No one can take this moment away from m-’

Hannes interrupted Eren’s train of thought as he shouted, “THAT’S MY BOY!”

“GOD DAMN IT HANNNNEEESSS!” Eren shouted.

The scene exploded then the ending theme played.

“Oh my god!” Sasha wheezed as she and Connie began laughing.

Footsteps came from the hallway, making the vets perk up.

“So how did everyone like the first season?” Carla asked as she turned the corner with a roll of trash bags in her arms. The most unsettling difference, at least to Eren and Mikasa, was that she was wearing pants. Or at least they looked like pants. Were they trousers? Did trousers even come in plaid print? No one could deny, however, that she was rocking that outfit. 

“I think I died of hilarity and misery at the same time and frankly I don’t even know how that’s even possible,” said Sasha, standing and stretching her arms up.

“Yeah, the first time around is a bit of a roller coaster, but it’s worth it afterward,” Carla hummed as she thrust a bag in Eren’s hands, motioning to the mess of plates and fruit snack wrappers. 

He wasted no time and immediately got to work. If he was only allowed to see his mother in this world, by the walls he would be the best son he could and treat his mother well. He was almost surprised by the shit she was willing to put up with. He sighed and remembered, no, she didn’t deal with his shit. Sure she would scold him for the occasional fight but she would get really hardcore for times like the bucket incident. The mental scarring of the...experience lasted for months. The only reason why he was able to get a hold of himself was because his mother had taken pity and cuddled with him until he slept for about a week. 

Mikasa’s lips turned upward at the sight. It had been what seemed like forever since she had seen the Jägers like this. She almost wished this could last forever.

Soon everyone was voluntold to clean. Even Levi had joined in, protesting to Erwin that his ankle was fine even though he hid winces every time he put pressure on the sides. He was not about to sit there and NOT clean with everyone else; this was a serious matter god damn it.

“So let me get this straight,” said Armin as he tied off his trash bag filled with used paper towels, “everything in this space is under your control, Mrs. Jäger?”

“Mhm,” she confirmed, “OH! Did everyone like the snacks? I wasn’t sure what everyone would like since the food in the afterlife is very different from what you’re probably used to.”

“Yeeeeessssss!” Sasha said in a low, rumbling tone. “The pineapple was a little scary though.”

Carla put a finger on the corner of her lip and looked up at the ceiling, “maybe I should have cooked it first...”

“Why is that?” asked Sasha.

“The bromelain that’s responsible for the burning sensation burns off when you cook it so the acid wouldn’t make your tongue hurt.”

“So wait, back to my train of thought,” said Armin, “the dress was also you?”

“Eren’s?” she asked. 

Armin nodded.

She shrugged, “it was an inside joke in the afterlife that he would be a drag queen if he were here and your comments about him in a dress presented a wonderful opportunity for me to dress him up.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say you all joke about me being a drag queen?” Eren dropped the half-full bag of paper plates onto the carpet.

“Well, when you look at all the things you did at night in Marley after you escaped the watchful eye of your fellow soldiers here,” she scanned the room then wiggled her eyebrows at Eren, “it’s not too difficult to piece it all together.”

“What exactly did you do,” Mikasa was giving him that look. The one where you knew if you didn’t explain yourself quickly, she would not hesitate to beat it out of you. In a loving sibling way...that only sometimes resulted in such things but not limited to: bruising, dodgy chiropractic services and broken bones.

Eren looked to his mother pleadingly but she shook her head and resumed her task. He sighed in defeat, picking up the bag he dropped. “I’ll explain later.”

Mikasa looked him up and down then also sighed in acceptance, even though she fully realized she probably was not going to get it.

“That’s great and all, but why did the dress work so well? Like, he confused every part of my sexuality,” said Connie. 

“He gets it from me,” Carla answered simply. And yeah, there was no disagreement there. Fuck Grisha. Carla put her hands on her hips and gave the main room another once over then deemed it presentable. “Thanks so much everyone! This would have taken forever for just Erwin and myself to clean.”

“Not a problem Mrs. Jäger,” Levi maneuvered himself back onto the couch. Crawling around was definitely not his best decision given his injury but whatever.

A flower pin fell out of Eren’s braid and clattered to the ground. Eren flinched slightly at the sharp sound right next to him. 

“Let me get that for you,” Carla walked over and picked up the pin then pulled up a chair and patted on the seat. “Come sit! It’s been so long since I’ve had the opportunity to braid someone’s hair. Though, I figured I would have been braiding my daughter's hair, not my son’s.” She giggled and pulled the ribbon and clips out from his hair, watching it unravel into loose waves.

“Would you like it better if I was your daughter?” Eren quietly asked as Carla sectioned off his hair into three parts.

She took the pin she was holding between her lips and clipped it to the hem of her shirt. “If that’s what would make you happy, then I would be glad to call you my daughter.”

That wasn’t the answer Eren had wanted. What was he even supposed to say to that? Stares accumulated on his back as Carla finished up with his hair.

“Is that something you’d like me to do?” she brought up his previous question, “refer to you as my daughter?”

“...it doesn’t matter to me,” he found himself saying. When he thought about it, he truly didn’t care what others perceived him as. He knew he was male and that was enough.

Nodding with a hum of affirmation, she tied off the ribbon then walked around the chair to face Eren, eying his scalp to make sure she hadn’t made anything uneven. She handed him a mirror then stepped back and clapped her hands with a smile, satisfied with her work. “There, my beautiful child.”

“Thanks mom,” he smiled softly albeit with evident fatigue and sadness and accepted \the mirror.

“You look so cute, Eren!” Historia said as he looked at his reflection. He really did look like his mother if he stopped making that constipated face. He tried to soften his expression more and widen his eyes a bit.

“Wait, Eren,” Armin said, “look at me.”

Eren turned around and faced the blond in confusion, “okay?”

“No wait, do that thing you were just doing and Mrs. Jäger, can you stand next to him?”

Eren imitated his earlier expression as Armin nodded and darted his eyes back and forth between them.

“Holy shit, you look so alike it’s almost scary,” a cold sweat ran down Connie’s back, earning a shiver from him.

“By the walls, you're right,” Jean tucked a stray lock of hair behind his ear.

“Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one seeing this,” Sasha crunched on a cracker. Her couch mates turned and gave her a look. “What? I was hungry.”

“Mandatory snack time was at 1530 hours! That was half an hour ago!” Jean should just stop caring.

“But we were watching the other world and cleaning,” she protested, though a bit muffled from the excessive amount of starches in her mouth.

“Brat, get a napkin or plate before you start leaving crumbs everywhere,” Levi eyes her from his spot on the couch, leg propped up on a pillow that was on top of the nearby coffee table. Working through the pain was nice but now (because Erwin told him to) he followed R.I.C.E.

Historia carefully handed Sasha a plate, catching some stray crumbs as the brunette took the plate and set her crackers on it. 

Carla gathered her things and gave Eren a hug. “Alright, so as a heads up, I’m going to invite a few more guests soon so don’t be too surprised when people start showing up,” she kissed his cheek, “be good. I’ll know if you aren’t and I won’t hesitate to help Mikasa with the materials she may need.”

Eren froze then averted his eyes and gave an awkward smile. “I’ll try...”

Carla rolled her eyes then let go and made her way back into the hallway. She stopped when she got to the doorframe and turned around to face them. “One more thing before I leave! I’m going to put on the season two trailer before you dive into season two as a little break before you all watch another full episode. That finale was probably a lot to chew on.” The screen flashed for a second then settled on a different image. “Okay. NOW I’m leaving. I love you Mikasa, Eren, Armin.” She looked at each member of the trio as she said their name. “Please don’t arrive here soon.” Though, with the way things were going, she’d be surprised if she didn’t see one of these faces again soon in the afterlife.

‘No promises, mom,’ Eren tried to hide his grimace and instead he called out, “love you too.”

“Goodbye for now!” she waved and disappeared into the hallway.

Then everyone else who wasn’t already in their seat sat back down. Or in Eren’s case, fell like a useless lump into a slouch. He at least deserved that much after seeing his dead mother again, only to have her leave not even an hour later.

Notes:

Chapters Written: 10.5 (that's the trailer) out of 19 and half of chapter 11

As a reminder, I will not be updating over the next 3 weeks to make up for the time I spent on this chapter and the sheer length of it. If you would like to get my exhausted ass a coffee you can do so right here. Comments appreciated!

Thanks to everyone and I'll see y'all later!

Chapter 11: Season 2 Trailer

Summary:

In which Eren hates being the Paradis equivalent of wikipedia, Levi makes a mistake and dead Marco jokes...

Yeah.

Notes:

God, I'm so tired. I've had an average of 5 hours of sleep per day this week so my brain is pretty fried, but I now have a slight buffer again. Tbh I have a presentation for my internship and that's been a little stressful.

“Well, let’s see what this trailer thing Carla was talking about is!” said Hange.

“What even is a trailer?” Connie turned over to Eren. 

“Why is it always me? I know as much as you do about the matter!” Eren could throw his hands up at that, but that was effort and energy consuming so fuck that.

“Because you know things!” Connie however DID throw his hands up. “Like, I bet you know what epid-whatever is.”

“Epidemic? Epidermis? Epididymis? You’re gonna have to help me out there.”

“I think he’s referring to epidemiology, the thing Hannes said back in episode one,” said Armin.

Connie pointed at Armin and said, “yeah, that!”

“Oh,” Eren scrunched his nose. He was kinda hoping they would drop the fact that he had the knowledge of Marleyan medicine and other fun things from all the attack titan shifters but when did he ever get what he wanted without losing at least the same amount but most often more? That was besides the point though because he did this to himself by saying he was smart in the first place. What he really needed to do was learn how to keep his mouth shut, but back to Connie’s question. “It’s the practice of using statistical data in order to determine medical risk factors and causes for diseases or other health related detriments.” 

“...I think I understood about half of that,” said Connie.

“Well, that’s all you're gonna get so deal with it.” 

Everyone turned to face the screen.

Erwin sat with the council among the king’s advisors and the wall cult, “this is humanity’s darkest hour.”

“This is like the second thing you’ve said all day, Erwin,” said Hange.

“What was the first?” Erwin asked.

“You said, and I quote, ‘ugh, children’ and Captain laughed like a madman,” Armin smirked.

The scene shifted to a titan swinging at a soldier, screaming, “CRACK COCAINE!”

Sasha spit out her juice.

“Sasha, can you not? We literally just mopped the floor.”

“Fuck you, Eren!”

“Maybe later.”

Erwin continued to narrate, “the titans stand on our doorstep,” titans clustered by the groups of soldiers on top of the walls, “waiting to devour us all.” The titans reached up at the baiting soldiers. “Let there be no illusion about our situation.” There was a red flare by the outer gate of Trost. “Every minute, every second, every breath could be our last.”

The scene zoomed out to the top of wall Rose above the inner gate of Trost where the soldiers were preparing to reclaim Trost.

Mikasa leaned toward Eren, “Armin’s getting worse!”

“How could he get any worse?” asked Connie but then he paused. “Actually, don’t answer that.”

“I was gonna say,” Armin said with a raised eyebrow.

The scene immediately shifted to Armin sitting on the ground with blood covering the top half of his face as he screamed, “I AM THE CRIMSON KING!”

“That’s how,” Jean answered Connie.

Armin gave an offended squawk. 

“Am I wrong though?”

“I am the chosen one!”

“You’re also batshit crazy.”

“Okay, fair.”

The scene shifted to Eren talking to Hange late at night, “what’s happening to me?”

“What hasn’t happened to you?” asked Sasha.

“Death.”

“...”

Armin broke the silence, “strike two, Eren.”

Eren whipped his head around, “wait, what? When was the first?”

“That comment alone cost two strikes,” Mikasa piped up.

“But I was saying I’m not dead,” he protested.

“But the first thing that came to mind was death. A normal one would have been like, become monke,” said Armin.

“And why is THAT normal???”

“Ask your brother.”

“Did somebody ask for-”

“Go away, Zeke.”

“Aw,” the blond monke man teleported away or something.

The scene shifted to Hannes saying, “keep your syphilitic insecurities to yourself.”

“That’s technically not true. Titan powers,” reminded Eren.

Mikasa looked over to Eren as they ran on top of the wall, “I lost you once, Eren. I can’t lose you again.”

“Yeah, Eren,” said Connie. “Stop disappearing on us. One more thing: why won’t you tell us what you’re doing in Marley??”

Eren turned slowly and sniffled. “Nope.”

“Damnit, I kinda hoped that would work. Well guys, I'm all out of ideas.”

Anka turned to Pixis, “you know, I worry about your drinking.”

Pixis let out an earthquake-like belch then said, “it’s fine.”

“Wait, what the fuck?” Connie laughed. “How is that even possible?”

“It’s anatomically possible,” Eren said vaguely.

“But how?”

“There was a little girl in the west that reportedly screamed as loud as if not louder than a thunderspear.”

“Holy shit, really?” Hange leaned forward.

“Yep.”

The scene shifted again. Annie’s titan knelt down beside Armin’s hooded form. Annie caved in the tunnels in Stohess. Annie rampaged in the forest of tall trees with Eren watching in horror, maneuvering on his ODM gear. 

“New enemies threaten our cause,” Erwin narrated.

‘But all along the real enemy was everyone and no one,’ Eren sighed.

‘Where do we go from here?’ Jean asked from his perch on one of the big-ass trees’ branches. Jean flashed back to regiment selection, ‘what choice do I make?’ Connie stood still, conflicted as well as most of the soldiers left the scout regiment speech.

The scene shifted back to the 57th expedition where Armin was watching Annie’s titan approach. ‘Is this real?’ he looked back. ‘Are my dreams finally coming true?’

“As I said earlier,” Armin turned to Connie, “speak for yourself Connie.”

“Dude. You’re literally simping over Annie.”

“What? No I’m not,” he said quickly.

The scene shifted to Eren’s trial through a fish-eye lens as Zackley announced, “Eren Jäger, we’ve brought you here to decide your fate.”

Elsewhere, the city appeared to be burning down as soldiers were saving each other and sacrificing. 

“A mission like this has never been attempted,” another voice narrated as another soldier got grabbed. Elsewhere Mikasa and Armin ran alongside Eren as he carried the boulder to Trost’s outer gate. “The key to it all rests on a tiny, dramatic douchebag with rage issues.”

“Nah, nah,” Connie waved the narrator’s statement. “Jean is the douchebag and Eren is the idiot. Like how many times do we have to say that, bruh.”

“He’s baby,” said Mikasa.

“Well-”

“Angee Baby,” said Armin.

Eren pouted, furthering their point.

Rico glided in the air then striked. ‘When the darkness closes in, and all light is extinguished, what hope does the human race have?’

Mikasa’s eyes grew wide as a garrison soldier was brought closer and closer into a titans mouth before-

Pixis answered the narrator from his place atop the wall, “we have one.”

The scene shifted to Eren’s titan as he struggled to carry the boulder to the gate. 

“Why can’t our lives go back to that kind of vibe? Eren plugging up the wall was truly the peak of our lives. Everything went downhill after that,” Historia set her glass down with a soft thud.

“Honestly,” Eren sadly nodded.

Erwin continued narrating, “His power is unlike any other. He’ll be surrounded by our fiercest warriors.” The scene shifted to the scouts and Eren traveling to the old Survey Corps HQ...castle...thing.

Oluo leaned in toward Eren, “you chicken shit sandwich!”

“Oh look! He’s imitating you again,” Hange reached over Erwin to pinch Levi’s cheeks but was yet again stopped by the big beautiful blond man himself.

Back in trost after Eren was finished plugging up the wall and the EMA trio was saved by Levi, the captain looked at the trio over his shoulder from on top of the freshly killed titan.

“He’ll be mentored by the best of humanity,” said Erwin.

Levi pivoted midair and shouted, “Jäger BOOOOMMMB!!!” before proceeding to spin and tear through Annie’s titan arms.

Levi flushed slightly then clicked his tongue.

“Oh come ON shortcake!” Hange began but was cut off.

“Shortcake?” Levi leaned over and squinted at them. “What kind of fairytale pixie dust miniature pony glitter shit is that? I tolerate when you call me ‘short stack’ but what on earth possessed you to call me ‘shortcake’?”

Hange rolled their eyes. “Where’s your sense of fun!”

“Don’t give me that. You haven’t even had fun in a while.”

“Ah,” Hange’s smile died instantly as they sat back in their spot, busying themself with knitting.

Erwin raised an eyebrow at Levi and Levi panicked. 

“Wait no Hange I’m sorry-”

“It’s all right Levi.”

Fuck. Hange was spiraling. Levi mentally punched himself then got up and grabbed a clean teacup. If there was one thing he knew, it was how everyone liked their tea. Fuck that Marleyan bean water crap that Eren seemed to like so much. Honey and ginger green tea was what he typically made for Hange. Honey for that sweetness they craved and antioxidants; ginger to reduce stress and fight illness; green tea for brain function and digestion. After he was finished making the beverage, he carefully stood in front of them and put a hand over theirs.

Slowly, they lowered the circular needles and looked up at the captain.

“Here,” he offered the tea, making sure not to jostle it too much and spill.

Their lips curled upward at the gesture as they accepted the cup, sighing when the aroma reached their nose. They took a cautious sip and grinned at the familiar spicy sweet taste. 

Levi marched his way around the couch and pulled the weighted blanket over Hange’s shoulders for good measure before ruffling their hair and going back to his seat.

Erwin’s eyes lingered on Hange’s brightening expression. He gave Levi a nod.

The scene changed to just after Eren’s trial. “So what’s the mission-” Eren tried to ask as Levi crossed his legs. 

“Yeah, screw that,” said Levi, “what’s the story on your sister?”

“...”

“Mikasa, why are you gripping my leg?”

“...”

“Mikasa, I’m bleeding.”

“Horny grip, Eren. Because you won’t do it yourself.”

“I don’t need to?”

“No,” Mikasa agreed, “but you do need to stop with all the obscene comments. You’re giving Connie a heart attack over there and embarrassing the rest of us”

“Oh. I see how it is.” 

“He’ll have access to our brightest minds,” Erwin narrated as the scene changed to Hange leaning over their lap with their glasses white with glare and hands folded by their mouth. Then it shifted to the titan experiments with Sawney and Bean as Hange cheered and laughed with excitement.

“No lie there,” said Erwin, putting a hand on Hange’s shoulder.

Everyone else chorused in agreement.

The scene shifted to Jean throwing on his new scouts cloak as Erwin said, “his closest friends will support him.”

“Where’s Eren?” Connie asked the soldiers on standby in the forest of giant trees.

“Who fucking cares?” a random soldier answered.

“Okay but where were you in Marley?” asked Connie.

“Do you want where I was in the morning or at night? Because they are very different places,” Eren asked.

Connie closed his eyes and prayed to the walls for a moment before looking back at Eren. “Both I guess? Please don’t make me regret this.”

“Well technically, I’m at a hospital but during the day I’m outside and at night I’m in The Room.”

“Do we want to know what The Room is?” asked Jean.

“You can probably infer based on what I’ve already said. I was probably invited because of my eyes,” Eren mumbled the last bit into his palm.

“Alrighty then.” Jean turned back to the screen and tried not to glance back at Eren.

“The full scope of human light will be there to assist him,” Erwin said as the scouts stood by wall Rose readying their horses.

Erwin looked behind himself, “What could go wrong?”

“Hah,” Armin half-heartedly laughed. How the turntables.

Eren reached for the teaspoon with his bandaged hand, lightning sparking when he came in contact. His pupils were reduced to pinpricks at the realization of his sudden transformation. Eld was blown away by the sudden change in air pressure as Petra and Levi sat at another table, frozen by the abrupt event behind them.

Eren sighed and rested his forehead on his knuckles, “that was embarrassing.”

The scene changed to the scouts riding into formation during the 57th expedition. Erwin continued, “on the graves of those who came before us we stand. In the face of despair, we lift the torch of human will.” Jean pivoted in the air away from the female titan’s grasp. The scene transitioned into the spear traps firing at Annie’s titan in Stohess. Mikasa tried to deliver the final blow as Annie ran down the streets-

Back with Jean, he saw Annie protect her nape as Erwin continued, “through bonds we have forged by iron and blood,” Jean screamed into the air. Flashes of death, blood and Wings of Freedom patches were seen until the scene settled on Annie’s explosive transformation in Stohess. 

“Nice Jean! First time against a shifter and you come back unscathed,” Connie pat Jean on the back a little too aggressively.

“Connie, stop!” Jean elbowed Connie away.

“We shall fight. We shall strive for a world in which we are free.” Erwin rode through wall Maria territory in formation and gave a few signals.

‘A world in which we are free...’ Eren slouched. ‘Even with the Rumbling, will we finally be free?’

Mikasa threw off her cloak and ran up the stairs toward Annie, drawing her blade. “Let us ride swift and sure into battle against our captors.” A flock of birds flew freely in the air.

“Let the Wings of Freedom (the back of a soldier’s cloak morphed into light over the wall) rise over the walls, (the wings broke into a dark blue and white bird, flying away into the sky) and into the light!” 

“The imagery is pretty cool!” Sasha pointed at the fading symbol.

The middle couch nodded.

Levi shot an anchor at the female titan which Annie dodged.

Jean skid across the rooftops, kicking up shingles as he maneuvered through Stohess. “Let every man, woman and child look back on this day and know THIS is where we fought.” 

Eren rose up in the rubble, a post moving through his body, splashing blood everywhere as he grit his teeth in anger. 

“Dear Maria, Eren. That’s fucking metal,” Connie praised.

“Yeah, well that was after he got himself into that situation in the first place. He couldn’t believe that Annie was a titan shifter and then got buried because he couldn’t transform,” Armin crossed his arms.

“Really? Again?” Levi sighed. The scouts really should have supported him more.

“THIS is where we died!” Erwin nearly screamed.

“And I took that literally,” Erwin gestured his arms as if holding a tray.

Levi closed his eyes and breathed into his clapped hands before pointing his fingers at Erwin, hands still together. “Erwin no.”

Fire tornado-ed around a child-Eren.

“What the fuck?” asked Sasha.

“I don’t know,” Eren shrugged.

Reiner swung around and readied his blades for Annie, shouting, “YOLOOOOO!!!”

The scene flashed to Eren and Pixis walking on top of wall Rose but were stopped when Hannes said, “give daddy a hug!”

Eren leaned down and furrowed his brow, “fuck you, Hannes!”

In Trost, Jean was struggling to loot a corpse. “God damnit! This is why you lubricate!”

“Again with the lubrication?” Connie raised an eyebrow at the scruffy mullet-man.

“Fuck you. I was gonna die because my gear was jammed,” said Jean. Then he flushed as Connie smirked.

“Did you go too hard at it?” Connie smirked.

“Go fuck yourself!”

Jean looked over at the death around him as he cleaned up the bodies in Trost as Eren said in the background, “and there are ‘Dead Marco’ (the scene pivoted to show Marco’s half-eaten body) jokes. It’s funny because his (it zoomed in on Marco’s face) best friend is dead.”

“...”

Connie watched as Jean stood up. “Jean?”

“Excuse me,” Jean muttered, walking down to the bathroom. He came back about five minutes later, the edges of his face and a bit of his hair wet and his eyes red.

Shadis yelled during the regiment selection ceremony, “THIS FOOD TASTES LIKE SHIT!”

“Food is food!” Sasha yelled at the screen. How dare he mock something that was scarce when they were cadets!

Levi kicked Eren’s kneeling form in the trial which transitioned into Armin landing on his back after Annie had kicked away his horse. Speaking of Annie, she did more property damage in Stohess as Connie laughed in the background. The scene transitioned to an abnormal chasing  a frightened Sasha as it changed to the top of wall Rose where Connie said, “I got that Latin passion!”

“Wait, THAT’S how it happened during the trial?” Connie winced at the kick the captain delivered right on Eren’s face. 

“Mikasa and I saw the whole thing,” Armin nodded. Mikasa glowered at him.

“That abnormal nearly got me on that expedition though,” Sasha giggled. Everyone in the room was a certified badass now. Especially Historia.

At regiment selection during the Scout Regiment speech Erwin said matter-of-factly, “you are all failures, and you’re going to die.” 

“Damn, you really had to say that to our faces. I mean, you’re not wrong but damn,” Connie said respectfully to Erwin.

The previous commander just laughed nervously.

Armin let out a high pitched cry as he fell on his back and tumbled, his gear unlatching off of him. When he landed, all bruised and blood he nearly sobbed, “senpai notice me!”

“SIMP!” Sasha shouted in a low voice as she pointed to Armin.

“No I’m not!” Armin put his arms over his chest, making an x.

“There’s no denying it, Armin,” Eren shrugged. “It wasn’t exactly a secret.”

Within the cover of the forest of giant trees, the og Levi squad rode with Eren. Levi turned back to Eren, “I am getting to that basement, (Armin and Mikasa watched Eren in Trost as he lifted the boulder) and I am wearing your dead mother's panties (Eren’s face was scrunched with anger and determination as he impaled himself further on the post and transformed) ON MY HEAD!”

The screen went dark.

There was a roar of laughter as the captain turned impossibly red. 

“What the fuck?” Levi rasped in a high pitch, clutching his head in both hands. “No that’s-what the fuck...fucking disrespectful... what ?”

“Yeah that’s kinda yikes, Captain,” said Eren, who was the second one besides Mikasa who wasn’t laughing.

Okay, it wasn’t Erwin’s fault he laughed. The afterlife was a much less serious place and he’d become much more casual. Even if that did mean he looked like a homeless man half the time and a dad the other half. 

The music grew louder until the piano keys were hit and the words ‘A SLAP ON TITAN SEASON 2’ were shown.

“And it’s over,” Hange said as they stood up, shrugging off the weighted blanket. They reached up into the air and leaned to the sides, popping a few joints. “Anyone need a break before we start the next season?”

“Snack break!” Sasha suggested.

“No, you’ve had enough,” Jean frowned.

“Awwww.”

Notes:

Chapters written: 11 out of 19 and 12 is almost done I swear. I also have Connie's spanish rant from episode 13 written down and Armin's crimson king rant from 17.

I'm considering going back to my original plan of updating every 2 weeks but once this presentation is over, I'll have way more time and energy to work on this so I'm hesitant. In any case, I'll proceed weekly but I will update if that changes.

If you'd like to support this broke uni student, hop over to my ko-fi!

Chapter 12: Episode 11: Pixis Likes!

Summary:

In which Mikasa's fight list grows, Eren can't get drunk and the Levi protection squad strikes.

TW for emetophobia -> on Levi's part

Jean rolled his eyes. “We’re fine, right guys? No more snacks?”

The EMA trio, Connie, Historia, Levi and Erwin nodded or grunted in confirmation.

“Oomph,” Hange plopped themself back in their spot. “Sounds good. Let's get going then!”

The screen was black but a female voice was heard, “last season on A Slap on Titan.” 

“Oh wonderful,” Levi said. “As if we needed a recap of the previous shit that we already saw.”

The screen lit up slightly, showing the 104th cadet corps southern division graduation ceremony. Shadis gave his speech as the scene moved around the graduates. “You came to us as failures and degenerates. After training for three years and sacrificing it all, you are still failures and degenerates.”

“Not entirely,” Erwin frowned. He commanded remarkable soldiers and that’s not just the lovely individuals in the room with him. Good men Like Mike, Nanaba and Gelgar that slipped from his grasp.

Eren’s face morphed into determination as the scene faded away and shifted to the barracks. Eren sat in the top bunk with Armin Bertholdt and Reiner.

“My name is Eren,” Eren introduced himself to the two warriors.

The scene shifted over to his failed attempt at using jank gear. 

“Eren Jäger’s a dumbass,” one of the cadets mocked.

Another immediately agreed, “yeah he is.”

“Yeah he is!” the middle couch repeated.

Mikasa gave them a look of warning, “is a what?”

“D-uhhhhhhh,” Connie trailed off.

“Hmmm.”

“Oh shit, Connie she's got a knife!” Sasha quickly dove behind Connie.

“What the hell Sasha!” Connie arched his back to accommodate the extra mass behind him.

“Ackerman, please put down the knife,” Erwin sighed.

“Hmph.”

The scene shifted to Hannes seeing the EMA trio off on graduation day.

“Hannes what the fuck!” said Eren.

“Hey now, that’s no way to talk to your father...”

Eren cut Hannes off, “potential father.”

“Right potential,” Hannes booped Eren’s forehead.

The scene went back to the cadet barracks.

Eren corrected Reiner, “that’s Armin.”

“I want to see death,” said Armin as he reasoned why he wanted to be in the scouts.

“Oh!” Erwin tilted his head and peered over at his strategic successor.

Armin flashed a nervous smile.

The scene changed to the armory before the battle for Trost began. 

“This is it,” Mikasa pulled on Eren’s sleeve to stop him. “Eren, kiss me!”

“That’s gay,” he replied, leaving Mikasa to simmer in simp desires.

“That’s right,” Hange mumbled then turned to Erwin. “Everyone said their sexualities earlier. Would you like to contribute? Historia too?”

“Uhhh, I think poly? It’s not really something I think about often so I’m not exactly sure but that’s probably close enough,” Erwin answered.

“I’m demi,” Historia shrugged. She had never found people particularly enticing, but her relationship with Ymir, though complicated as fuck, was much more profound than she ever could have imagined.

Elsewhere, Jean berated Connie for huffing his gas. “Connie, you stupid bean burrito.”

“FOOD?!” Sasha's eyes seemed to sparkle. Then everyone noticed that in her lap...was a bean burrito.

Connie gave a high pitched giggle.

Later, Connie patted Armin’s back after they landed in the armory. “Hooray for getting high...and knowing your limits. Haha.”

The scene changed to Mikasa’s attempt to inspire the cadets to move toward the armory. “Alright whoever gets to the training hall first gets to sleep with me.”

“But I got there first!”

“Face it Jean: she wants to fuck Eren.”

“Connie, why must you remind me?”

“...”

“NO PLEASE DON’T ADD ME TO THE LIST MIKASA!”

“Oh, Connie. You already are on my list.”

“NO, PLEASE! SASHA! JEAN! HELP ME GUYS, COME ON!”

“Nope,” the other two on the middle couch replied.

A second passed before the cadets cheered and immediately made their way.

As Mikasa made her way, Kitz was heard in the background. “Eren Jäger, we have brought you here today to answer one question.” 

Eren woke up after shifting for the first time and gasped at the sheer number of soldiers training their eyes on him. 

Kitz continued, “and only one question. Are you a titan...or a human?!”

Without missing a beat Eren replied, “I’m human.”

“But what if he’s a potato?” whimpered Timmy.

“Then I’d be a gorgeous potato,” Eren tucked a stray piece of hair behind his ear.

“Hell yeah!” cheered Sasha.

Eren glared at the garrison captain, “I’m not a potato.”

Kitz raised his arm to signal the soldiers on top of the wall, “fire the cannon!” He brought his arm down-

Pixis grabbed onto Kitz’s arm before he could lower it. “These three shall live,” the garrison commander ordered.

“What about the flowers that appeared? They don't get a say?” asked Historia.

“That's what you care about?” Eren's pitch went up. “not the whole 'killing me and our friends' thing???”

She waved him off, “cool your tits, you all lived.”

“But-”

Armin shook his head. “It's no use, Eren. Just accept it.”

Kitz turned his head, “Pixis?”

Later Armin conversed with Pixis. “I believe Eren can save the city,” the blond said with a stiff salute.

“Then it’s settled,” Pixis replied. “We attack.”

‘Tomorrow, I show them all...’ Eren thought as he saluted the soldiers from on top of wall Rose. ‘No one can take this moment away from us-’

“THAT’S MY BOY!” Hannes cheered.

Eren glared fiercely, “GOD DAMN IT HANNES!!!”

Then there was an explosion before the screen went black.

“Wow. You literally have an explosive temper,” Jean smirked.

“Hey,” Eren shrugged, “that’s actually kind of impressive when you think about it.”

Jean opened his mouth to respond but then closed it and stared widely at his lap.

The city of Trost faded into view in its smoking and slightly chaotic glory then it zoomed on on the top of the wall with Eren, Hannes and Pixis.

“Well, well, well. Look what we’ve got here,” said Hannes. “My own son rubbing elbows with the general.”

“Commander,” Armin insisted.

Eren stared at the drunken man pleadingly, “no, not you...” He gritted his teeth. “Anyone but you.”

“Man, I knew my genes would do something great someday. This is the happiest moment of my life.” Hannes held his head up high and smiled.

“Not actually related, but thanks for being a better father than Grisha,” said Eren.

“Oh he went there!” Connie loudly whispered to Sasha who nodded vigorously.

“Hannes what the fuck! How did you find me? How do you always manage to find me and ruin everything?!”

“Hey now you found me. Here I was just tinkering with these cannons and getting super wasted and then suddenly, WHOOP! Eren’s here!”

“Please tell me at least Pixis is not still a drunk.” Sure he helped them with a lot of things regarding Eren but, holy shit do the garrison need something better to do. Levi turned to his right, “Hange?”

They leaned over their lap and to the left to meet Levi’s gaze around Erwin. “He is...He probably won’t stop that habit in the foreseeable future.”

Pixis stared at the other man. “This creature is your father?”

“Yep!” Hannes confirmed.

“No!” Eren refuted. “He’s just a sad, miserable ginger that NOBODY LIKES!!”

“Dang Eren. What did he ever do to you?”

“He slept with my mom, Connie.”

“I meant that as a joke, the fuck??”

“No, like in that world. Remember how he spilled the beans when we were watching my mom get nommed?”

“...I regret asking.”

“He doesn’t look like a ginger?” Pixis continued looking Hannes up and down.

“That’s cuz I’m only half ginger...” Hannes clarified.

“And all EVIL!!” Eren’s addition echoed.

“Even a drop is too much,” Eren quoted his counterpart from episode one.

“Pfft!” Armin nearly spit his water all over himself, instead spitting it back into the cup.

“Eren,” Hannes crossed his arms, “keep your syphilitic insecurities to yourself, son.”

“This conversation is officially awkward,” Pixis announced. He looked down, “I require a drink.”

“Rip but mood,” Jean picked up his glass and finished off his last bit of water. 

“Wh-ell,” the drunk then had a brilliant idea. “Step right over here Mr. Bossman. Let me pour you out a scoop of this here cannon.”

Eren glared at his pseudo guardian with warning, “Hannes… Please stop talking to him.”

“So he actually made moonshine. Lovely,” Erwin pursed his lips into an awkward half-grin and inhaled deeply.

Hannes ignored the boy. “See, I noticed these cannons didn’t do much good against the titans...so I took the liberty of decommissioning them and made the cylinder into something a little bit more useful. Now, I’ve been perfecting this recipe that’ll get you real fucked up. Don’t mind the dead bird floating around in there...” Hannes giggled, “he ain’t gonna harm nobody.”

“Levi, put that down.”

“...”

“Levi, it’s a screen! You couldn’t even force him to clean if you tried because he can’t hear you, so put the mop and buckets away.”

“Is that an order?”

“Will you stop if it isn’t?”

“...”

“Then yes, Levi. It is.”

Levi resisted the urge to grumble. Erwin never let him have any fun.

Eren deepened his glare, “Hannes, please stop talking to him.”

Hannes smacked his lips, “actually adds a little bit of flavoring when you think of-”

“HANNES SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Eren exploded. “Nobody likes you! You’re not my dad.”

“yoUr noT My dAd!” Connie warbled.

“We gotta admit though, that kid was weird. You know, the kid that said that in Marley?” Sasha frowned.

“Any weirder than what we do on a daily basis?”

“Okay, fair.”

“And nobody wants your shitty booze! Just walk off the edge; jump into a titan’s mouth; get cirrhosis; just do us all a huge favor and DIE!!” Eren punctuated his statement by punching the cannon so hard a web of cracks formed around his fist.

“God damn it Jäger, do you know how much those cannons cost to make? We don’t even have enough in our budget for one,” said Levi.

“That’s because our budget is still suffering from Stohess.” Erwin sighed.

“Not to mention all of those cuts we took in order to fund the reconstruction of the wall Maria territories,” added Hange.

“Where does the rest of the money go anyhow?” asked Levi. “Your Majesty?”

“You should have gotten an increase last year after I cut some of the funding from the Military Police,” Historia paused to think. “Oh shit, I gave the paperwork to Landon. He fucked it up last time as well.”

“Then why did you give it to him?” asked Hange. “Why not Noah or Lori?”

“They were both tending to issues related to the reconstruction efforts.”

“How did we get here again?” Erwin remembered as soon as he finished his sentence. “Oh right. Eren, stop breaking the budget.”

“Sorry,” said Eren.

Hannes grinned as if Eren hadn’t spoken at all. “Co-come here, Eren.” Eren glared fiercely as Hannes finished. “I want to sniff you.”

The opening played.

“Wait. Did Eren not react to that or something?”

“I don’t have to react to everything, Connie, jeez...but yeah, that was kinda gross and off-putting.”

“Knowing Eren, his reaction was probably too explosive to be shown.”

“So true, Jean,” Connie nodded.

The garrison soldiers and cadets rallied over by the gate to Trost, awaiting Pixis’s next orders. 

“Doomed to die alone and miserable,” whined Daz.

A random soldier replied, “Carl shut the fuck up. They’re discussing battle plans.”

“Isn’t his name Daz though?” asked Sasha.

“I don’t know. Is he even still alive?” Connie answered with a question.

“Connie, we already went over that. Yes. He is,” said Historia.

“Really? Huh.” 

Daz grit his teeth. “I was so close to sneaking into the girl’s orgy and...they had to call us in and cancel it!”

“Well with everyone being sent back into battle, you can’t exactly have an orgy. Everyone would die without us,” Historia crossed her legs and examined her nails.

“Alright, true,” said Connie. “You guys are hella badass.”

“Damn right,” Armin glanced over at Mikasa’s reddening cheeks and her poor attempt to shield her face with her scarf. He mentally shook his head. She really should be a bit more selfish; she deserved it because who knows what could happen now. Eren was acting on his own and if he kept this up, who knows what would happen...

“Hey! Who said orgies?!” The soldier marched over to Daz. “If you know where the orgies are, you better tell me you maggot!”

“I’m not telling you SHIT!” Daz’s bottom lip wobbled. “It’s over and done with.”

“That’s not true,” the soldier put his hand on his blade, ready to draw it at any moment. “Look at you. I know you’re lying.”

“Oh thank god,” another soldier said, “someone put that cowardly lion out of his misery.”

“Unfortunately he’s still alive,” said Historia. “As to how and why are the real questions though.”

The soldiers all looked side to side. Jean stood by Berthold amidst the crowd of cadets.

“Does your stomach hurt after seeing all our friends die?” a female soldier asked another.

The other replied, “yeah, it does. That’s what I get for eating gluten.”

Hange looked expectantly at Eren.

“It’s a protein found in certain grains that many people are allergic to. More specifically those with Celiac disease,” Eren said as he grabbed some carrots. They probably won’t let him bite his hand so this was the next best thing. God damn it oral fixation.

“What are the effects?”

“You know what bad milk does?”

“Yeah...oh. OH!”

“Gross,” Levi muttered with his nose scrunched.

“Hey!” a garrison soldier shouted from behind the two girls, startling them. “You think you know pain? You should see what it’s like for us in the garrison. I had to sacrifice a goat today and that was after the group sodomy. (The second girl started trembling) I’m fucking done man. I’m fucking done.”

“I mean, it would be great if we knew more about the other branches of the military in this world so we can appropriately rate which branch has it the worst but for now I suppose I’ll take your word for it,” said Hange.

Jean eavesdropped, his jaw open from realization of who the soldier was, or at least where he was a minute ago... 

“I had to suck a man’s toes today. Get me out of here.”

“I did not need to know that,” Jean strained.

“Aw man. You even saw the whole thing,” Connie patted his back sympathetically.

“Group sodomy?” asked Jean. “Were you part of the crowd that conducted a ritual for Cthulhu?”

“...How do you know about that?”

“We saw the entire thing from the rooftops. You guys are fucking idiots.”

“Honestly...” Jean gave a half-lidded glare. 

Back on top of the wall, Pixis walked with Eren.

“Eren, let me give you some advice.”

“Hold on sir. You’re getting awfully close to the edge.”

“It’s fine.”

“Seriously, we should have safety railings or something,” Eren suggested. 

“I mean, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea, but it’s not like it was a necessity,” said Hange. “And the budget, Eren.”

“That wasn’t even part of our budget, Hange,” Eren pointed out, “it’s the garrison’s job to maintain the walls. We just go out and explore, get killed by a titan or discover that everything we knew about the outside world was a lie and that everyone wants us dead for something that happened hundreds of years ago.”

“Eren.”

“Mikasa?”

“This is double punishment now.”

“What? I literally spoke the truth. Everyone knows about this!”

“Armin, grab the pen.”

“Already gotten,” Armin held up what appeared to be an adult sized playpen for babies.

“Alright, Eren. You know the drill,” Mikasa pointed to the pen.

Eren groaned then got off Mikasa’s lap and over into the pen. The sight was absolutely ridiculous. Armin closed the gate as Eren sat there on the floor to the left of the couch, caged by plastic.

Erwin held back the urge to snicker. This was much better than IKEA. 

“Hnn?!” 

Mikasa turned to Eren and was...surprised to say the least. Carla wasn’t kidding about helping out with Eren. The long-haired man was partially silenced by an adult sized pacifier with a belt attached, effectively making it an infantile gag. His hands were covered by slightly padded mittens with belts securing them on his wrists and another to his forearm, reminiscent of a garter.

“Oh shit!” cried Connie, “he really is a baby now!”

Mikasa raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to join him?”

“Ah! N-No!!”

“Hmm,” she turned back to Eren. “Alright, you know the rules, Eren. Since you continue to make careless decisions and disregard consequences, you will be treated like a child who doesn’t know any better since obviously, you just aren’t ready for any kind of responsibility.”

“I always knew you hovered over Eren, but this is straight up mothering,” Sasha said.

Armin smiled sadly. “Someone had to. Mikasa just happened to be the least broken at the time nine years ago.”

“...” she hadn’t meant it like that.

A few more minutes passed and Eren was free. He immediately took his spot on the couch and slouched back. Why were they booing him in the first place? He was right.

“Also, you are definitely not walking in a straight line.”

“Pixie’s tipsy~” said the drunk commander.

“What?” Eren nearly sighed.

“Welp, if he dies now, Eren will die and we’ll all be fucked I guess,” shrugged Levi.

“Short-stack, we talked about this.”

“No we didn’t, Hange.”

“Well, we definitely should have and...I remember now,” they rubbed their temples, “I put it on the to-do list. Nothing ever gets done when it goes on the to-do list,” they face-palmed. Why did you have to go and sacrifice yourself, Moblit? Why did Erwin have to name them as the next commander? Shit.

“Back to my advice: Eren, next time you have an awkward family reunion, just do what I always do and get plastered.”

Eren furrowed his eyebrows, “he’s not family.”

“Whatever. It’s solid advice for any problem.”

“Well...thanks, I guess.”

Oh they had no idea what was in store for them then, Eren rested his cheeks on his knuckles. 

No idea.

“Let’s try some now and see if you don’t feel better. Pixis likes serving alcohol to minors~” 

“Huh, okay. What’s in this?” Eren accepted the garrison commander’s flask.

“What do you think? Unicorn piss?” Levi rolled his eyes.

“Hey, it’s a valid question,” Sasha replied. “Er, sir!”

“Calm down, we’re not even in a position where that matters so stop acting like it does.”

“But-”

“By the Walls, Braus. Just speak plainly.”

“Alright sir! Er-Levi!” Sasha tried to breathe normally, but she couldn’t help the shaky quality of her inhales.

“Just a tiny little bit of sunshine~”

Eren took a swig.

“And possibly piss.”

Eren spit everything out immediately.

“Okay bet,” Eren pulled out a large bottle of vodka, slid his hand on the side to unscrew it, then flicked the lid off and began downing the whole thing, not even taking a breath during the whole process. His cheeks flushed for a second before returning to normal. When he exhaled for the first time a cloud of steam came out of his mouth from the rapid healing of his internal organs. “So there,” he finished.

“...well, damn,” said Erwin. “And I thought Moblit was bad.”

“No kidding,” Levi agreed.

“Why him?” asked Jean.

“Really? He was Hange’s right-hand man,” Erwin gestured to the current commander beside him.

“Yikes.”

“Yeah,” Levi nodded. “It was borderline impressive when he went up against me and practically held his own in a drinking contest. You definitely have me impressed though, Jäger. I’ve never been able to take a whole bottle of that shit so good for you.”

“Thanks cap’n,” Eren set the glass bottle on the coffee table.

Eventually, Pixis and Eren made it to the gate to Trost. Pixis stood at the edge and looked down at all the soldiers from the garrison and cadet corps that had gathered. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before letting out a colossal burp that shook the walls. The soldiers all gaped up at the commander.

“Sorry...Drunk,” Pixis clarified before laying out the plan. “We have gathered you here today to retake Trost and seal the hole in the wall. Ordinarily, this would be impossible, but recently we have found a savior.”

“A savior?” Marco asked. “Other than me??”

“I could never measure up to you Marco,” Eren shook his head.

“Alright, yeah. That’s probably minus 2 points there,” said Armin.

Mikasa shrugged.

“I now present to you, Eren...umm,” he was way too drunk to remember his last name… Pixis gestured to the boy, “I now present Eren.”

“Kitz only said it 10 times. How much more do you need, Pixis?” Levi muttered. “Right. Stupid question. He’s drunk.”

“Do you think he’ll even remember that day?” asked Connie.

“No. Probably not.”

Eren stepped forward.

Shrill violin sounds played as the scene zoomed on Jean, staggering in time with each note before turning red and cutting between Eren and Jean.

“Pfft! Jean, you really have it out for Eren, don’t you!” Connie wheezed but managed to be semi-coherent.

Jean, flushed. “Fuck you, man!”

“Fuck, my ears,” Historia grinned but her voice was low and raspy.

The scene returned to normal, showing Eren saluting as Pixis continued in the background, “he is the product of some really convenient coincidence that doesn’t make any sense and probably will never be explained.” 

“Was getting to my basement a joke to you? Like bruh.”

“Go off,” Sasha said around a bite of bread.

“But all you need to know is he can turn into a titan. Using this power of his, he has the strength of many men and can achieve things that (Connie leans over to Ymir: ‘so are we still on for tonight?’) were previously deemed impossible.”

Pixis’ voice died down as Connie continued, “nine o’clock. The girls' dorm. I show up in the Superman speedo and blow all your minds right?”

It was finally Connie’s turn to die of embarrassment. “What the hell?!”

“A speedo? That’s a new low, even for you Connie.”

“Shut up, Jean! At least I don’t have a horse face.”

Eren raised his hand, “and I started that...just for the record.” No one cared.

“Don’t feed us that bullshit, Connie,” Ymir didn’t even spare him a glance. “Just remember that this is Christa’s final party. You fuck this up and I’ll kill you.”

Historia jolted slightly when she realized she was staring. ‘Ymir...’

Connie laughed. “I got that Latin passion!”

“I shall now explain the plan to retake Trost,” said Pixis. Then the scene shifted back behind some crates where Mikasa and Armin were talking to two garrison soldiers.

Actually, when it zoomed in, Mikasa stared at Eren as the other three talked about strategy. 

“I knew I felt eyes on my back,” Eren shuddered.

“I was just...worried about you!” Mikasa managed to not stutter, nearly huffing instead. 

“So, explain it to us again on your Stratego map,” said the male garrison soldier.

“Excuse me, what?” Jean squinted. “How on earth were board game maps supposed to illustrate battle strategy?”

“It’s probably the best we’re gonna get,” Hange replied, binding off the second sleeve on one of the pullovers. “At least Armin is still a genius here so he could probably still make it work.”

“That’s a lot of pressure, Commander,” Armin rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled awkwardly.

“It’s simple,” replied Armin as a simplified graphic showed the plan. “While the titans are distracted by a large human force, we’ll send out a special team to escort Eren into the city. Once they reach the boulder he’ll use his titan power to pick it up and seal the gate. After that, we can finish off the remaining titans with cannons.”

“That was so cool!” Sasha’s eyes sparkled. She grabbed Connie’s shoulder, “did you see how the little blue figures moved around and the red that represented the titans!”

Connie nodded.

“If we had that kind of visual simulation, just imagine all the different scenarios we could play out to help us strategize...” Armin trailed off. It was probably highly unlikely they would gain any true use out of that kind of system, but it was nice to imagine.

“Not bad kid, but we need to move fast. It’s inevitable that a few titans will slip our grasp.”

Armin turned to the man and nearly growled, “the only thing inevitable is DEATH!”

“...that is also true.”

“That is also true,” Levi said at the same time.

Anka changed the subject, “I’m just grateful you came along because to be honest, we didn’t have shit.”

“Yeah,” sighed Erwin. “I’m not even mad. That’s just the truth.”

“Mhm,” Hange grunted as they shaped the shoulders of the next sweater. 

“That’s so sad though,” Jean slouched a bit. “If Eren wasn’t conveniently a titan shifter, everyone on Paradis would probably be dead now.”

“Thanks, Jean,” Mikasa glared, “way to make it depressing.”

“At least it wasn’t me this time,” said Eren.

“True,” Mikasa turned to face the other long haired man. “But you still have exponentially more points than all of us combined.”

“Alright, you got me there.”

“It’s okay,” said Armin, “I’m used to devising the plans. I used to practice scenarios like this at night when my homework and rituals were finished.”

“Such a clever little monster,” she complimented.

“I like how she’s so casual about this. Like: this is normal,” said Connie.

“She probably has to deal with this on the daily. The captain, remember?” replied Jean.

“Yikes. Thank the walls we have Armin. He’s at least smart.”

“Was strategy always your passion?”

“No...I actually used to have quite the future in fashion design.”

“By the walls,” the man cursed, “what changed?”

Armin closed his eyes. “They told me you couldn’t wear people as suits.”

Everyone was silent.

“Collective hallucination?” asked Sasha.

There was a chorus of confirmation.

Back with Pixis, the commander resumed his talk to the soldiers, “now that I have finished explaining the plan, are there any questions?”

Daz stepped up and screamed, “WHY AM I A VIRGIN?!?” 

“Hckkkk!”

“Connie stop choking, I’m trying to watch.”

“*huff* sorry, Historia *cough*”

He sobbed and faced the sky. “All I want is to live on a tropical island, free of furniture and potted plants and just have beautiful women feed me grapes all day!”

“You dare disrespect Marco’s words?! The furniture is there for you to stub your toe on!” Sasha puffed her cheeks.

“They always disrespect my best friend,” Jean frowned as comical tears streamed down his face.

Everyone gaped at him. Sasha shifted her weight uncomfortably.

“Why can’t I have that? Why must you keep me from my dreams!?”

“Fuck this. I’m out!” the garrison soldier who complained about sucking toes turned around. 

“Hey look: it’s toe sucker,” Sasha pointed at the soldier

The two female cadets nodded to each other and followed suit. Various other soldiers began to leave.

“Bye losers”

“Screw it. I’m getting high and watching Mari.”

“I’m no expert on the subject, but isn’t that like an Eastern opera or something?” asked Hange.

“I think so?” Eren tried to search for something in his memories but nothing was coming up so he shrugged instead.

“Have fun dying.”

“I’m joining Hydra. At least they have dental.”

“Of course. Because joining a Marleyan cult would be SO much better,” Levi shook his head and dipped his biscuit (as in those cracker-like cookies) in his tea before eating the softened snack.

“That’s it, you puckered cunts!” Kitz growled before drawing his sword and chasing after them. “BITCHES FLEE! BITCHES BLEED!”

“Okay fine. He did one good thing,” said Historia. “That doesn’t make up for his cowardice, but at least he helped us get more subordination.”

The soldiers all began screaming, though who wouldn’t when a madman starts waving a large box cutter sword thing around?

Pixis’ face was shadowed as he shouted over the chaos, “Hear me now!!” As his voice echoed, everyone stopped and looked up at the wall. “If the titans break through this wall, your families will have no choice but to fall back to wall Sina. Wall Sina. Composed of the very people who phone the instruments of your oppression. (Police brutality imagery) Imagine the military lording over your loved ones. (Wallists seemed to be burning down a witch) Or religious freaks baptizing your family. Imagine how long our empire will stand if you flee.”

Various images of fighting and carnage flashed with a monochrome filter.

“He makes a good point, even though he’s drunk as fuck there,” Jean crossed his arms and slightly nodded to the side.

“That baptism looks a lot more like cooking people in ritual sacrifice, but I guess I could be wrong,” said Eren.

“Is it because you could also be eaten for your powers that your mind went there or..?”

Eren shrugged. “I don't even know anymore.”

No one wanted to admit it, but they all knew the commander was right.

Pixis took a breath. “I stand before you today, not as your superior, not as your general but as your fellow man. A man who wishes to take back the light that was once ours!”

Sasha perked up.

“My friends, let us not disappear into the night without showing this world what humanity can do! Let us not bow before our captors. Let us stand up! Let us fight!”

Toe sucker grit his teeth but kept his gaze down on the ground.

Pixis opened his arms as the sun shined behind him, “I implore every one of you to join us on the greatest adventure humanity will ever know!”

The scene focused on Eren saluting to everyone as Pixis continued in the background, “I ask you to dedicate your hearts towards achieving our first victory in a hundred long years!”

“It just doesn’t hit the same as when Commander Erwin says it,” said Connie.

“Honestly,” Sasha agreed.

Erwin smirked. “So just a little ‘SHINZOU WO SASAGEYO’ for everyone?”

“SIR!” the scouts chorused as they offered their best salutes.

“You guys know I’m technically dead still, so you don’t have to-”

“Pardon me, but we will always respect you and follow you. Our bonds transcend death itself!” Hange waved their hands around animatedly.

“Ah.” He offered a half-smile and rubbed his neck.

The scene shifted over to the terrified soldiers, listening to Pixis’ words, “I ask you to set aside the differences that divide us, and unite for one final push. And if need be, I ask you to lay down your life so humanity may live.”

The commander’s voice grew even more powerful. “We shall face the Titans in battle! We shall strike them down without mercy! And when we have taken back our city (Bird-eye view of Paradis) when we have taken back our homes, then we shall finally know the sound of victory! A sweeter sound there is not! And it will sound like this:” 

Pixis’ stomach began to rumble loudly as he nearly whispered an ‘oh shit’.

The blood drained from Levi’s face as the nauseating realization struck him. ‘No no no no nononononononononononono-’ Hands went over his eyes and ears, his own over his mouth. He couldn’t- Oh Walls please no! He needed to get away - 

I’m falling

I’m stuck

PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE-

Suddenly, he was sitting out in the hallway. Erwin’s hands still over his ears as the man listened to the scene for Levi.

~~~~~

The younger scouts all watched as the vets made their escape into the hallway before Pixis could start regurgitating everything in his system.

Hange came back soon by themself. “All good. Let’s keep watching. Levi and Erwin will return shortly.”

“Commander-”

Hange cut Connie off, “just drop it. Please.”

Connie gave them a look but shut his mouth.

“And whatever you do: don’t mention whatever we see while they’re out after they come back. Got it? This goes for everyone.”

Everyone else nodded furiously.

Pixis grit his teeth and braced himself as he let out fountains of projectile vomit.

The poor folks in the splash zone were covered in partially digested alcohol, literal garbage and bile. They really shouldn’t have been gaping.

No seriously. That shit was in their mouths.

Eren thankfully was not in the splash zone but he still had front row seats. 

The scene finally zoomed out to show the sheer volume of bodily fluids this man was ejecting.

Kitz watched, face frozen in horror.

“You know what, that’s almost impressive. Disgusting, but impressive because, look at the stuff that is on the soldiers! There were bones and books. Textbooks ,” Jean said.

After his minute straight episode, Pixis coughed and cleared his throat. “...Sorry...Drunk.”

“It’s safe Erwin!” Hange cupped a hand by their mouth as they yelled toward the hall.

Erwin slowly removed his hands from Levi’s ears. “Hey,” he whispered, causing Levi’s gaze to snap up and meet his. “It’s over now. Do you still need a minute?”

Levi shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths to get the remaining tremors out of his system before nodding and forcing himself onto his feet. He stared down at his feet. “I just need to wash my hands.”

Erwin watched as Levi slowly retreated into the bathroom. After a minute, Levi was out, hands slightly pink, but smelling of lemon and rosemary. Perhaps a hint of tea tree. Both men made their ways back to their seats, everyone seeming to mind their own business, thankfully.

An image showing the OMD gear belt configuration was captioned: 3DMG TRAINING MANUAL; Using your 3DMG to perform acrobatic sex acts with your fellow cadets is highly discouraged*; *But so worth it oh my fucking god yes; (Two diagrams showing the belts from front and back appeared to be 69-ing) “Do me like Spiderman.”

“I would hope that no one is using their gear while getting freaky,” Levi eyed everyone to his left. He’d be damned if he would let anyone see his little slip up as anything more than that. It was embarrassing enough that they saw it in the first place.

Another image of the rest of the gear was captioned: 3DMG TRAINING MANUAL; This soldier is dressed properly and ready for death; Grip it like you mean it (the hilt of the sword/trigger mechanism); Don’t put this cylinder through your anus (gas canister).

“There must have been a LOT of incidents with the maneuver gear and the hornies.” Connie shuddered. “Like, damn, touch some grass.”

“Floch seems like the type of guy,” said Eren. But only he would know that it was the truth.

Armin and Jean choked on air as Sasha tried to not have water shoot out her nose because that shit hurts.

On top of wall Rose, the soldiers were lining up supplies and cannons, using pulleys to transport crates.

“Good morning everyone,” Pixis greeted Mitabi, Ian and Rico. 

“It’s evening-”

Pixis cut Ian off, “shut up.” 

Jean snorted.

The scene panned as Pixis introduced the new characters. “Now I have it on top authority that you three are the best and brightest of the Garrison. Ian, Rico and...you, Dog Boy.”

“My name’s Greg,” said Mitabi with a valley girl accent.

“!” Connie and Jean stifled a laugh with their fists.

“That was Mitabi though...?”

“It’s alright, Erwin,” Hange switched back to the main color yarn, “I stopped questioning that sort of stuff ages ago.”

“...You’ve only been here for about six and a half hours.”

“And we’ve seen about three years worth of information if you account for the excessive time skips. I’m surprised that we’re actually seeing Trost in its entirety. Everything else has just been snippets.”

“Wouldn’t it be a little invasive to show every second of every day?”

“Don’t you do that anyway in the afterlife? You DID say you’ve been watching us.”

“I- I admit to nothing of the sort!” Erwin respected boundaries!

“Shut up. You look like a basset hound,” said Pixis.

‘Greg’ whined like a dog.

Eren cringed at the sudden memory invading the forefront of his mind. He had to admit.

To understand what Eren was remembered, he'd have to explain something. That hospital in Liberio was so much more than that. There was a secret room underground that could only be reached from the outside. The least dangerous and least responsive Eldians would be brought down into that room by the doctors for...Marleyan pleasures. It was a good thing that so many people requested him, Eren supposed. He could at least protect his people from getting even more hurt.

Some of the people who went into The Room, as he'd dubbed it, were into some weird shit. He let them shave his face. Let them dress him up. He even obeyed their commands, no matter how fucked up or just plain weird they were. The nurses never knew. The other patients never suspected. 

Eren admits he wasn’t very sneaky with his secret meet ups with Zeke so when a doctor threatened to rat him out to the Marleyan police or do a little quid pro quo, the choice was obvious.

Whoever said it couldn’t also be fun?

“Now, you three will spearhead the special squad protecting Eren Jäger. But first, I need to decide who amongst you will lead.”

“I believe that I should lead the operation,” Rico declared.

“And why’s that?” Pixis asked.

“Because everyone here is obscenely incompetent.”

“Ooooo, shots fired,” Sasha whispered as she propped herself up on her elbows over her lap.

“Quiet Rico,” Ian gave her a side glare..

Rico turned to her right, “oh, sob it out over a barstool, Ian.”

“That’s a mistake,” said Mitabi. “No matter what, we can’t trust Rico.”

“She literally hasn’t done anything. She’s like, the only smart person there from what I see,” said Historia.

“That’s her first mistake. Logic is obsolete in that world,” said Armin. “They rely on luck and whatever half-baked idea they can pull out of their ass.”

“Agreed,” Ian said.

“Fuck off Dog Boy,” Rico didn’t even spare him a glance.

Mitabi ignored her. “She’s short, wears glasses, and is a woman. We can’t trust her spinster ways.”

Pixis scoffed as he fiddled with his mustache. “Sexism. Pixis likes.”

“Damn it Pixis, you had one job!” Historia threw her hands into the air.

“Fight list?” Hange sighed.

“Fight list.”

He turned away from the group. “But you still look like a dog so I’m not listening to you.”

Mitabi whined again.

“Good,” Rico said. “Now Ian’s a depressing drunk. He writes shitty poetry and masturbates to The Sound of Music .”

“Wait, ew. Does he do that with all music??” asked Jean.

“Actually, The Sound of Music is a musical, er...opera of sorts,” Erwin clarified. “It’s quite the classic, though I’m not sure what part of it Ian would find particularly arousing...”

“Musical? Like those Broadway things Ms. Azumabito told us about when we went to Marley?” asked Hange. They finished up another sweater and set it on the pile. Hopefully they could convince Levi to wash everything; he always took care not to pull or distort the fabric and used mild soaps.

“Exactly,” Erwin nodded.

“That’s still disgusting,” Levi finished.

Ian turned to look at Rico again. “How can you watch The Sound of Music and NOT masturbate?! It’s a classic!”

“I rest my case.”

“Well,” said Pixis, “this whole debacle just made my decision much easier. It’s obvious who to choose.”

“Thank you sir.”

But Pixis wasn’t talking about her. The commander turned to face his soldiers. “Ian will lead the charge.”

“What? Why?!”

“Is Rico literally the only one who isn’t crazy?” asked Connie.

“She’s also the only one of those three who is still alive,” Eren brought up. Why she was still even in the military given that the garrison is no longer needed was beyond him.

“Because he’s a drunk,” answered Pixis. “And Pixis trusts those who trust alcohol.”

“Must be why Hannes got promoted to captain,” Eren shrugged.

Mikasa inhaled deeply. “Stop being right in an awful way. Please. I don’t even know how long we’re going to be here, so don’t make our stay longer than it needs to be.”

“Why are you booing me? I’m right, aren’t I?”

“He’s not wrong,” Armin gave a side nod.

Mikasa glared at both of them.

“This is a travesty,” Rico’s voice fell.

“I’m honored to lead,” Ian spoke up, “but uh, I must admit, that’s terrible reasoning-”

“Shut up,” Pixis interrupted, “all of you. I’m drunk and therefore I know what I’m doing.”

“I think he still drinks,” Hange lowered their needles and stared forward blankly. Sure Pixis was a tactical genius but he really should get that under control.

“You are dismissed. Go, and remember the fate of humanity rests on your shoulders.”

The three saluted their commander with a grunt.

“Wow,” Pixis stared them down. “Hitler youth all grown up.”

“Wouldn’t that apply to every soldier that saluted him, then?”

“Hush Jean. Logic has no place in this argument.”

“I know that, Connie, but still. Think about it this way: we would all be fascists.”

“Okay, nevermind. I’m taking offence to that.”

“...”

“Get out of here,” the garrison commander finally released them.

On the other side of the supply crates, Eren watched Pixis and the three garrison elites.

“Eren,” Armin said to grab his friend’s attention, “I know I placed a lot on you with this plan. If you get nervous, just do what I do and hold an ether soaked rag to your face, okay?”

“Thanks Armin. You’re a true friend.”

“He always looks out for me,” Eren cupped his hand on Armin’s shoulder.

“He’s telling you to huff the fumes off poison,” Jean raised an eyebrow. “Just because you have titan healing doesn’t make it better.”

“Ether has only marginally more of an effect on me than alcohol to be honest. Though I much prefer the taste of Jägermeister and cola.”

Jean did a double take. “Excuse me, what?”

“Like a Jägermeister mixed with that bubbly caffeinated drink.”

“Because that’s safe,” Levi muttered. He knew enough from Hange that mixing a depressant with a stimulant was counterproductive and overall a big no because of the conflicting side effects. He sure as hell didn’t want to play roulette with his next day hangover symptoms.

“You definitely won’t like the idea of a Jägerbomb then...” Erwin scratched his chin. Red Bull was not his choice of drink, but he doesn’t mind it with liquor.

“Y’all lost me at Jäger,” Connie said.

“I’m coming with you-”

“No you’re not,” Eren quickly replied to Mikasa.

Her eyes grew wide. “I lost you once, Eren. I can’t lose you again.” She stepped forward but was stopped.

“Technically, you didn’t lose him,” Armin said. “If anything, he almost lost you.”

Mikasa covered her face with her scarf. 

“Mikasa, no!” Eren forced her to step back, just barely containing his volume as he explained, “this is finally my moment to prove myself to the world. To the military. To Hannes!”

Levi had to suppress a groan. This was just painful to watch. Why were the brats always like this? And why did he have to bear witness every time? Hell, even Springer figured out their bullshit. 

“What does Hannes have to do with any-”

“SHUT UP!” the shifter finally shouted. “You have always one upped me. In training, you were always better. In combat, you were always better. Now I finally have a chance and you STILL want to steal my spotlight!”

Mikasa’s gaze fell sadly.

“What the hell, Eren?” Jean glared. “What did Mikasa ever do to you?”

“She made me deep-throat bread,” the brunet supplied helpfully.

Jean leaned over and massaged his temples, sighing.

“All I ever wanted was to be the very best, like no one ever was!”

“Eren, that’s Pokemon.”

“It’s applicable to titans!”

The black cylinder lit up again and said, “Pokemon Theme by Pokemon on Amazon Music.”

From the device an upbeat tune began.

I wanna be the very best

Like no one ever was

To catch them is my real test

To train them is my cause

I’ll travel across the land

Searching far and wide

Teach Pokemon to understand

The power that’s inside

(Pokemon! Gotta catch ‘em all!)

“This is kinda a bop, not gonna lie,” said Sasha, drumming her thighs to the beat.

“It doesn’t make sense anymore when you listen to the rest of the lyrics,” Armin pointed out. “It says to catch and train pokemon, and if anything, Hange is the one it applies to.”

“Eren IS the pokemon,” Connie’s eyes went wide with realization.

Jean wheezed.

“And you’re on the decoy group anyway. So stop trying to baby me, ‘cause this time, nobody’s sending you with the Elite squad!”

Mikasa gaped and lowered her head but before she could form a comeback, Ian came over and said, “Mikasa, we’re sending you with the elite squad.” Mikasa instantly perked up.

“GOD DAMN IT!” Eren screamed in the background.

“Just accept it, Jäger. Accept the Ackerman supremacy.”

Fake tears streamed down his face. “Okay, captain.”

“We’ll need your skills,” Ian continued. “Let’s move.”

Eren and Mikasa took off toward the boulder while Armin took off for the decoy squad over by the gate.

‘I can’t believe this,’ thought Eren. ‘WHY MIKASA!? WHY?!’

On the other hand, Armin looked back at his friends and thought, ‘you can achieve. Fly my pretties, fly!’

“...You know what, at least Armin doesn’t want to kill us,” said Eren.

“True,” Mikasa nodded.

The scene panned across a bird’s-eye view of Trost as energetic percussion bagan to play. The elite squad made their way, running across the wall by the light of the sunset.

Mikasa ran alongside Eren. “Eren, how do you feel?”

“I’m fine,” he droned.

“Eren you look dehydrated-”

“I’m fine, damn it!”

“Papa ‘Kasa strikes again,” Armin snickered.

“You casually take care of your family and all of a sudden,” MIkasa threw her arms up, “everyone says you’re a dad.”

“That’s great and all, but Eren is literal househusband material. Yes, he does the cooking. Yes, he does the cleaning,” then Connie’s face morphed into a shit eating grin. “Yes, he keeps the nana real sweet for your eati-ACK!”

Mikasa put a hand over Connie’s mouth and gripped onto his cheeks. Emptiness and death oozed from her eyes.

“Quiet,” Ian berated them. “We’re almost at the insertion point. (Scene shifted to boulder) I don’t see any titans. Decoy group must be doing a good job.”

Back with the decoy squad...

“It’s slipping. My dump’s slipping!”

“It’s sliding through me man, like White Castle.”

“My dump’s slipping! My- aaaahhh! (wet plop sound)”

“Ah yes. The decoy squad, everybody,” Jean said flatly.

“I mean, they’re distracting the titans so all in all, they technically are doing a good job,” said Connie.

*Snort*

Levi hid his mouth with his hand, a small tremor in his shoulders. “Not bad,” he quickly composed himself.

Armin watched the titans reach up from his place anchored to the side of the wall. He moaned at the sight of another soldier getting eaten.

Back with the Elites...

“Here’s some motivation Jäger: in this operation, a lot of people are going to die. All because of you,” Rico said as Eren gaped at her. “No matter how much good you accomplish, and you won’t, people are going to die horribly because of you.”

Eren averted his eyes. ‘I know.’ He knew what would happen if he followed through with his plan. Thousands upon thousands of people would all die all for their sake. All to protect them . If only he knew of another way.

Elsewhere, a titan approached a squad that was standing on a rooftop.

“Uh, who likes freeze tag?” asked soldier 1.

Daz whimpered incessantly.

“Hold it,” the soldier 2 watched the titan approach as Daz continued. “Hold it.”

Rico continued, “all these people have (Scene panned over an image of garrison soldiers running) names, families and feelings in their hearts. Many of them will die for you today. It is your duty to make sure they did not die in vain.”

“So many rail lines around this wall,” Eren rasped. “Why couldn’t we have taken a trolley?”

“Because they didn’t have engines? And besides, the only things on the rails are the cannons.”

“Okay Jean, but hear me out: less energy would have been wasted if we had fast transportation along the walls.”

“...Connie, this is just an excuse for you to be lazy. Come on, we’re soldiers.”

“Am I wrong though?”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“See. Told ya.”

“Jäger, I need you to promise you’ll make their sacrifice worth it,” Rico repeated.

“Jeez, alright. Hey-” a fly started flying in Eren’s face and straight into Eren’s mouth. “Ah- mi- ah-” he struggled to get it out but eventually he just swallowed it. “Ah, fuck you.”

“ What ?”

“Ahahahaha!” Practically everyone wheezed.

“Relatable,” said Erwin, not giving any further explanation. 

Connie looked like he wanted to say something, but then thought about it and had his ‘aha’ moments.

“Not you, the fly-” another fly went into his mouth. He grunted in annoyance.

“Yikes, you got two in a row.”

“Thanks for the sympathy Hange.”

“Jäger, I need your verdict-”

“The verdict is, heh,” he tried to get the fly out one last time. Keyword being ‘tried’. “You’re the worst motivational speaker ever, *heghk*. And I hate flies!”

“My friends , Jäger.”

“I promise! Gosh!”

On the other side of Trost, Jean’s squad looked over at the boulder and the titan infested city.

Finally, Eren and the elites made it to the jump point. 

Rico stopped and covered her ear, “here goes nothing.” She fired a green flare to signal the commander.

The operation had finally begun.

“Green smoke round confirmed,” said Anka as she looked through a monocular.

“Green smoke means the operation started right?”

“That, or they found a new pope.”

“As in the western culture?” asked Sasha. “Isn’t the pope, like, a gazillion years old?”

Jean raised an eyebrow, “a gazillion years?”

“It’s a technical term.”

Jean rolled his eyes, “no, he’s like...” Jean furrowed his eyebrows and averted his eyes. “Wait, how old is the pope?” he muttered.

“Well don’t look at me,” Eren put his hands up in an attempt to shield himself from Hange’s unblinking stare, “I only know of Marleyan science-y stuff and whatever Eldians had a hundred years ago.”

Connie blinked. “What’s a pope?”

“...I’m not answering that,” Eren shifted his focus back to the screen. Everyone else followed suit, leaving a confused Connie. 

Thankfully, Carla took pity and left a note of explanation.

The scene moved along with Eren and Mikasa as they maneuvered toward the boulder.

Sasha blinked. “Hey, did everyone see that?”

“See what?” asked Connie.

“Look in the corner,” she pointed. And sure enough, there was a hotdog titan dancing in the corner of the screen as Mikasa back flipped over the buildings.

“Oh my Walls, what the fuck?” Connie covered his mouth in an attempt to stifle laughter.

Then Eren bit his hand with a growl.

The soldiers by the gate all gaped at the transformation, the lightning effect yellowing even them despite being over there.

A large cloud of dust rose around Eren until he stepped forward and revealed his titan form with a roar.

“Oh my god, yes,” Mikasa simped aloud. “Look at those abs.”

Rip Mikasa’s circulation. She drifted side-to-side from all the blood rushing to her head.

“Oh my fucking god,” Eren said in his titan’s voice. He pivoted to look at Mikasa. “How many times do I have to say it?”

“Eren?” Mikasa wondered why he wasn’t picking up the boulder.

“Oh shit,” whispered Connie.

“That is gay!” Eren attacked Mikasa to punctuate his statement.

The ending theme played.

“Yikes. That’s all I have to say,” Levi finished off his tea.

“Hey Mikasa.”

“Yeah Sasha?”

“Wasn’t that how you got that scar,” Sasha pointed on her cheek where the other girl’s scar was.

Hange shook their head then rubbed their temples. “Eren.”

A shiver went up Eren’s spine. Hange used that tone. The one that only disappointed parents and Commander Erwin used...Though he was kind of like the dad of the Survey Corps...anyhow, they were probably gonna beat his ass regardless of what he did in this room vs. what he was going to do during the Tybur’s little play. 

“This chapter was kinda plot heavy, don’t you guys think?” asked Jean, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Yeah, there were a lot of speeches and stuff...” Connie trailed off as he received death glares from Hange and Erwin. The most eventful part of the episode was unfortunately off limits unless anyone wanted to face the wrath of the vets.

“What time is it?” Sasha stretched her arms up and yawned slightly.

“Like,” Armin squinted at the clock, “1750 ish hours?”

“By the walls, when are we gonna be done, you think?”

“The way this is going, probably after 2000 hours.”

“Sustenance break after the next one?” offered Hange. They could probably all use one soon. Actually, did Erwin even eat?

“That’s a good plan, though I’m not sure how much everyone will actually need given that we’ve been snacking throughout the day,” said Jean.

“I could go for a meal in half an hour.”

“You can always go for a meal Sasha,” Connie pointed out.

“Exactly.” She looked up with a smile and drooled. “I wonder what other kinds of juicy meat dishes Mrs. Jäger has prepared for us.”

Connie elbowed Jean and whispered, “she’s gonna jinx it I swear.”

“I know right,” Jean nodded.

“You boys know I can hear you, right?”

Jean glared at Connie, “well he started it.”

“Really? Come on!”

“Ugh, boys. Am I right, Mikasa?” Sasha leaned over toward her.

Mikasa slouched. “Honestly.” 

Notes:

Chapters written: 12 out of 19 (the numbers are off because of the trailer) and chapter 13 is nearly a third complete.

If you'd like to give me some extra support or just wanna keep yourself updated on my progress, head on over to my ko-fi. I post my progress weekly, if not more!

Chapter 13: Episode 12: Between a Rock and a Large Face

Summary:

In which Hange creates lists, Armin and Jean have a moment, and tumblr style shitposting.

Notes:

The more chapters I write, the more plot this fic has. 👀

“Everyone ready for the next one then?” asked Hange.

Everyone else nodded.

SEID IHR DAS ESSEN

NEIN WIR SIND DIE JÄGER

*A SLAP ON TITAN logo appears*

After the opening finished, “Gonna Make Me Lose My Mind” by DMX played as the scene faded in. The decoy squad seemed to be doing great all things considered.

Well, there was that one guy chanting ‘twerk.’

And this other guy: “Oh god, it bit me in the balls. God why? Why so cruel?”

Those with dicks winced.

“Felt that,” Historia said sympathetically.

Pixis walked along the wall with Anka, the Stratego guy and one more soldier. “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Doo do do Doo do Doo. Here they are swinging in the breeze,” the commander sang. He stopped and looked at the horizon. “Wow. What a beautiful sunset.”

“You know,” Anka said, “I worry about your drinking.”

“It’s fine.”

Jean snorted but didn’t say anything. No need for Hange to make a fight list too. He was positive he couldn’t even handle Mikasa by herself.

“We haven’t seen any signals from the elite squad in a while,” Anka reminded him.

“Nonsense. I’m sure everything is going according to plan.”

Armin snorted.

Back with Eren and co, the plan was expectedly going up in flames. Eren having punched a hole in a rooftop and Mikasa jumping out of the way in the knick of time. A piece of debris flew by, cutting deep right below her right eye as her momentum slowed and she hit a wall.

“Oh, god fuck,” Eren-titan said in his weird titan voice. “Fuck today. (The elites froze at the sight of the rebelling titan) Fuck this rooftop. Fuck everything.”

“Eren’s a lil bitch with dumbass strength now,” said Jean. “What an upgrade.”

“All I had to do was get my vaccines and eat well.”

“Are you seriously referring to-”

“Yup.”

“Maybe this is why Grisha always seems so uncomfortable when anyone mentions his sons,” Erwin thought aloud.

Ian watched as Mikasa inched closer and closer to the attack titan. 

“Everyone talking shit and ruining my special moment.” Eren raged and readied his fist again, “must DESTROY!”

“You know what?” Everyone looked at Eren. “I’m more satisfied with this.”

Levi raised an eyebrow. “Because going out of control is more embarrassing than that obvious sexual tension thing you got going back then?”

“Exactly.” Eren paused. “Wait-”

“Nope. Too late. You already dug your grave.”

Mikasa jumped just before she got crushed to a pulp. She quickly pivoted midair and anchored to prop herself on Eren’s face.

Mikasa looked into the titan’s green eyes. “Eren, you need to stop this.”

“Get off my face,” Eren-titan said.

“Humanity is depending on you!”

“You are on my face!”

The middle couch snorted.

Rico watched from a rooftop. “Welp, I can see where this ends.” She reached for her flare cartridges. “Let’s see, which pastel color stands for ‘fucked up beyond all repair’...” Then she covered her ears and fired a red flare. 

“Mood,” said Hange. “I actually made a list of what the flares symbolized for the not-very-bright.”

“What’s on the list?” Connie asked offhandedly.

“Aw, seriously? You just had to rile them up,” Levi sighed but didn’t stop the commander.

A folded sheet of paper with the list fell onto Hange’s lap. “Oh perfect!” They unfolded it and turned it so everyone could see. “I’ll just go down the list: 

Red-Move or else you’re fucked

Black-You’re probably fucked, whatever you do

Purple-Help, please. NOW!

Blue-Let’s go home before we’re even more fucked

Green-Turn and relay or else everyone is fucked 

Yellow-Mission over but we all might have fucked up, I dunno”

“Was the usage of profanity necessary?” asked Armin.

“Absolutely,” Levi replied in full seriousness.

“Eren, it’s me,” Mikasa continued desperately, “don’t you recognise me?”

“Must consume!” Eren roared.

“Ackerman,” Ian shouted, “control your ovaries and run!”

“Hey! Her ovaries are none of your business,” Historia crossed her arms. Mikasa on the other hand was just just trying not to die of embarrassment, not that anyone could blame her.

“I’m not leaving him!” she replied, then turned back to Eren. “Eren, if you can hear me in there, I need you to listen. Listen and think: what is the one action you could take right now to help humanity?”

He clenched his fist.

Mikasa glanced down and said, “oh shit,” before jumping off to the rooftops, avoiding the punch that landed right where she was. Eren roared in pain when his fist connected to his skull and stumbled backward, falling by the boulder with steam coming out of his hands and head.

“Eren, why are you hitting yourself?”

“Itch on my nose.”

Mikasa squinted at Eren. “ Really ?”

“You know I’m sensitive!”

Jean raised an eyebrow. “Says the guy that can cut off his own leg.”

Eren whipped his head around, pointing, “that’s different!”

“How so?!”

Eren’s cheeks and ears went bright red as he turned away. Why on earth would he admit to anyone he was a little touch-starved? When you watch your parents die before you’re even in adolescence and you volunteer yourself for bootcamp before you’re a teen, it tends to fuck with your overall emotional well-being. Everyone knew that . So yeah, he craved hugs and soft touches and reveled in the safety and warmth they provided, but he wouldn’t be caught dead admitting that to anyone.

A conversation he and Armin had came into the forefront of Jean’s mind.

Armin stared off at the horizon sitting next to Jean, their legs hanging off the wall above the newly-rebuilt Shiganshina outer gate. “It’s hard to think that we’ve finally come back here. Our first home. Right here in this spot, we saw Bertholdt loom over us as the earth shook and rocks flew in. That one little action resulted in so much destruction. People crushed. Houses demolished.” He stared off, lost in the memory.

“I can’t imagine how that must have felt,” Jean leaned back onto his palms. Sure his home was broken into as well, but he was able to talk it back. He wasn’t a bystander, unable to do jack shit like the Shiganshina Trio six years ago.

“Eren and Mikasa especially,” Armin found himself continuing. “After we all regrouped and were put in the refugee shelters we were all basically inseparable. Mikasa and I knew it was especially bad for Eren though. You know.”

Jean nodded. He remembered from bootcamp. Ah, how the years went by.

“He always needlessly isolated himself as if it didn’t bother him, but Mikasa and I knew better.” Armin sighed and looked up at the sky, watching a flock of birds fly by in their arrowhead formation. “We both saw how much he was hurting but he pushed away every little bit of comfort we tried to give him, God.” Armin laid back and put his arm over his eyes. “He never should have shouldered all of that by himself.”

“...Nevermind.” Jean would probably never fully be able to understand exactly what the EMA trio had gone through, given that he did have his childhood. Didn’t mean he had to be a dick about it.

“Wow, would you look at that winner.”

Jean snorted.

“...” 

“No really, just look at it.”

“Rico,” Ian warned.

“Seriously. Have you looked at it?”

“Rico!”

“Just look at it.”

“I know, Rico,” Eren crossed his arms and muttered, “you don’t have to be a bitch about it.” 

“Captain Ian. More dickery awaits!” a soldier from another squad shouted from behind the group. Ian looked back and flinched.

A titan approached from a couple streets away. “Oh man, that’s the last time I use Apple maps man.” 

“Thank the walls. Someone gets it!” Erwin said appreciatively.

“What?” 

“You’ll understand when you’re older,” (and dead) Erwin waved Levi off.

“I’m fucked up on that black tar heroin. I know I missed the black part o’ somewhere shit.”

Mitabi stepped forward, “there’s more titans coming Ian. I’m scared. We need to get out of here.”

“I would be too if they were all talking shit about us,” Connie grabbed some cheetos and wiped the dust on his pants.

“Napkins!” Jean thrust some at him. “Why do the both of you do this?!” By the Walls, he was turning into Captain Levi and Eren...

Ian turned. “Rico.”

“Agreed,” she replied, eyes still on the shifter. “The situation does look quite dire.”

Shrill violin sounds played as Mikasa’s head whipped around; she clenched her jaw and gave the garrison soldiers a death glare.

“Why do they like fucking with my hearing,” Historia smiled, tears prickling her eyes.

Back by the inner gate, Jimmy spotted Rico’s flare.

“Flare spotted. Everything’s proceeding as normal.”

“No it’s not Jimmy. Jesus christ you bastard. That’s red. It’s a red flare! Red means we’re cocked up,” a bearded soldier explained.

“Red? You call that red?”

“Yes, you colorblind fuck! It’s red! What, were you too busy eating crayons in kindergarten to know the difference?”

“Isn’t being able to see color also a requirement of the military?” asked Sasha.

Hange shook their head, “technically no, but now that you think about it...it probably should be.”

“At least I wasn’t sniffing glue like you were you protestant bastard.”

“Hey, I worship Gandhi! Get it right!” Armin huffed, remembering what his counterpart said in episode 2.

“And he’s not a bastard,” Eren added.

Mikasa looked at the rest of the group with half-lidded eyes, “you guys see the shit I have to put up with.”

“The fuck is a colorblind person doing in the military anyway? What’s your official job? Helping old crones cross the street?”

“Ah, fuck you!” 

“Fuck YOU!” the bearded one retorted.

“My friends,” another one sobbed, “they’re all dead...and for nothing.”

“Oh for Christ's sake, piss off,” Jimmy shouted.

“Mood,” said Eren.

“Which one?” asked Hange.

“...yes.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda fair.”

“Boy howdy,” Marco frowned, “our teammates are experiencing trouble! Gee wilikers, guys! Maybe if we think happy thoughts, it will send some positive energy their way. C-come on!”

“Oh Marco,” Jean sighed, “bless your innocent soul.”

Armin gritted and growled, running toward the elites.

“Armin, wait! We need your natural cheer!”

Armin ignored him and sprinted off.

“Is anyone else looking at the way he runs?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m wondering the same thing,” Armin agreed with the off-screen soldier, turning his head around until five cracks in a row were heard.

“He does not run like a normal person. He scampers...like a rat.”

“Rat-boi!” Connie wheezed, clutching his stomach.

“...hah?”

“Wait NO! ARMIN!” Connie jumped onto Jean’s lap.

“Why the hell?” Jean then looked into Armin’s eyes. “SHIT!”

Armin put his hands up and smirked slightly. “Oh don’t worry boys. I was only messing with you.”

“General, we need to-” a mustachioed soldier turned to the commander.

“Please, call me Pixis~” Pixis insisted.

“Oh God no,” Historia groaned. “Not this shit again.”

“Uh, okay,” the soldier thought nothing of it. “Pixis.”

“Yes. Say it again.”

“Pixis?”

“Now say it slower.”

“Piiixiiiis?”

“Awh, yes.” he moaned. “Pixis likes.”

“...”

Hange broke the silence. “Yikes.”

The scene shifted back to the elite squad’s...situation.

“Kamehame, huuuhuhuhuhh!” ‘Greg’ shouted. “I don’t-I don’t get it. It always worked for TeamFourStar. Alright, well, I’m out of ideas. Let’s go.”

“Does anyone understand what just happened?” Jean blinked. “Eren? Armin? Commander Erwin? No? Cool… Figured I’d cover all the bases.”

Mikasa saw the titan approaching one of the defense squads a couple streets down from the corner of her eye. As she went to run over and help, Ian blocked her with his arm.

“Wait. Let the professionals handle this.”

“Professional what? Wall washer?” Levi scoffed. “Or are you too busy making your moonshine and pissing off the edge? If I’m being honest, that’s probably the closest they’ll ever get to a golden shower.”

“Do I want to know what that is?” Erwin whispered to Hange.

“I can hear you, and no, you don’t,” Levi assured him.

Eren and Armin stared at their laps with tight-lipped awkward grins. There was truly no good way to bring up all that hentai they found in the back section of that Marleyan library. They couldn’t even believe the library would allow something so lewd in a public space. What really got them was that the captain knew...the two looked at each other and shook heads. Nope. He seemed like the type that would read it, say it was disgusting and then move on.

“This telepathic thing you two are doing over there is cool and all, but can we please just finish this?” asked Sasha. “I think my stomach is trying to digest itself,” she moaned as she stuffed her face with more bread.

“As squad leader, the decision ultimately comes down to me, and we’re staying.”

Rico looked at him with wide eyes. “Ian. Are you kidding me? What more can we do?”

“Guys, I don’t get why we’re fighting,” said Mitabi, “I just wanna play pattycake.”

“Mood,” said Eren.

“True,” Historia agreed.

“We are staying and that’s final,” Ian declared as the scene began to zoom in on him. “I have dreamed for years of this day of finally fulfilling my Homeric destiny and dying an honorable death worthy of the fiercest warrior.”

Rico blinked. “So this entire mission was one big excuse for you to live out your dream of dying honorably? Have fun with that, Ian, but I’m out. As the famous last words of Emily Dickinson: fuck this!” 

“Yes! We stan strong independent women!” said Historia.

“You dare quote her work to my face?! Do you know who I am? I crave the dick!”

“I mean, same, but I don’t go around saying it to everyone,” Levi shrugged.

Hange raised an eyebrow at him.

“Relax, Hange,” Erwin tried to mediate then smirked. “We both know Levi would be a stuttering mess around someone he liked. It would be completely obvious to literally everyone.”

“You are so right!” Hange’s eyes widened.

“No. Uh-uh. Both of you are gonna fuck off about all that,” Levi glared at them both, the blush on his cheeks betraying him. God damn it, they were completely right. His outward emotional responses are so repressed that when he does feel something strongly he just becomes really fucking awkward or completely silent. No in-between.

Rico and Mitabi gaped.

Across Trost, Jean maneuvered back on top of the wall.

“How’s the battle going?” he asked Connie and Marco.

“We keep feeding people to titans so, not good,” informed Marco, his face sullen. 

“If we’re not careful, we’ll be next,” Jean warned.

Jean tensed. Hah. Feeding people to titans. Sounded like a certain someone-

“Yeah, right. I’m not dying today,” Connie promised. 

“Oh? What makes you so sure of that?”

“‘Cause tonight’s the party,” Connie clarified, “I’ve got the stripping gig lined up. I can’t die now!”

“Wait seriously? I hired Connie?” Historia furrowed her eyebrows and pursed her lips. There was a pang in Connie’s chest as he gasped.

“You probably just felt bad for him,” Sasha replied.

“Connie, this is a war zone. Stripping should be the last thing on your mind.”

“Hey, I know destiny when I see it. Mama told me never to give up on your dreams, and tonight, I’m gonna fulfill my dream of laying all the girls in the 104th, at once.”

“...”

“That would be pretty impressive if you could.”

Connie shook his head. “Only you, Commander Hange.”

“Guys wait!”

Connie turned to his left. “What is it Sasha?”

“The hotdog titan! It's in the upper right corner!”

“Yo! It is!”

“That’s not even anatomically possible-”

“I bring up a very valid point.”

“No one asked for your opinion, Jean.”

“And I’m 90% sure the girls don’t want to bang you, Connie.”

“Touche.”

“Connie never give up on your dreams!” Connie screamed in Spanish, subtitles appearing in sync with every word.. He laughed then smiled and turned toward Jean, “I got that Latin passion!”

“It’s all fun and games until the titans come.”

“Aw, way to ruin it, Eren.”

“Just doing what I do best, Jean.”

Jimmy stared at Pixis.

“...Rub my nipples,” the commander said out of nowhere.

“Let’s all just agree to ignore that, right guys?” asked Historia.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Levi agreed.

“...huh, what?”

“My nip nips.”

“...”

“My pepperoni pizza snacks.”

“I am never looking at pepperoni pizza the same way again...” Eren stared blankly at the screen.

The scene shifted back to the elite squad as they tried to protect Eren.

“And as in uffish thought he stood the jabberwock with eyes of flame came whiffling through the Tulgey wood and burbled as it came,” Ian recited.

“Oh hey! Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll. Nice,” said Erwin.

“I knew that line was familiar!” Hange said.

Rico’s eyes narrowed. “Ian, for god’s sake, stop reciting poetry.”

“Can you not see it’s message?” 

“What even is going on?” asked Sasha.

“I don’t know anymore,” said Connie.

“Here, standing at the precipice, all we have left is hope, (hopeful music begins to fade in) and we must fight for it. No matter what it costs. No matter what it takes. Look at who we’ve got at our side. We have a fiery Asian hell bitch. We have a cowardly fucking lion as our mascot and we have you, Rico, with that absolutely bitchin’ glasses tint that’s in every god damn anime series ever. We have all the pieces we need to win, so please fight with me.”

“...I refuse,” she replied, turning and walking away.

“Honestly, I agree with Rico on this one.” Jeans crossed his arms. “Ian called Mikasa a bitch.”

“He died right in front of me, Jean.”

“I don’t know how to feel about that, Mikasa.”

“Kinda pulling an Eren there,” Armin teased as Eren eyed him. 

“Wait!”

Rico turned and glared, “I refuse to listen to you jabber about Jabberwocky. Look, I’ll do my part. Just please, Ian, shut the hell up.” She resumed walking away. Mitabi took off in the other direction.

“Wow,” Mikasa stood by Ian, “that actually worked.”

“I think we were all surprised his nonsensical spoutings amounted to anything of value,” Erwin smirked.

Connie cocked his head. “You know, Commander, this is the first time I’ve seen you crack a joke like that.”

“Time and place, Springer. You think cracking jokes as you put it was appropriate when I was your superior officer. A man with many responsibilities and power?”

“Uh...”

“He’s just messing with you!” Hange reassured with a giggle.

Ian leaned over, “Lewis Carroll gets them every time, that silver tongued devil.” He drew his blade. “Let’s go. It’s time to rescue your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” she protested.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Mikasa’s voice went up a pitch as she spoke in sync with her counterpart.

Many of the others raised an eyebrow.

Ian laughed, “yeah, right. I haven’t seen anyone that lustful since I kicked a catholic priest out of daycare.”

CRACK

“Hey, let’s put down the glass, yeah?” Jean guided the cup out of Historia’s hand and onto the coffee while Levi looked over her hands.

A film with bubbles dropped onto her lap with a note. Pinch the bubbles. Trust me. Historia pinched tentatively and pop ... pop . pop pop pop .

Mikasa gasped and blushed, “is it really that obvious?”

But Ian was already rushing off to fight approaching titans.

“Oof. Felt that,” said Armin.

“...”

“Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?” Hitch always seemed to take his visits the wrong way and now he just gave everyone else a reason too.

An image of the ODM gear physics was captioned: 3DMG Tactics & Strategies; Style isn’t rewarded when escaping certain death. Don’t be this asshole and break your foot off because you wanted to look cool; #YOLO.

[In full tumblr shitpost style]

Levi: (cold sweat)

Erwin: Yeah. We’re looking at you. You’re literally a fidget spinner.

Levi: The hell is that???

Fidget spinner appears for plot convenience.

Ewin: (Demonstrating) This.

Hange: OH MY GOD, I SEE IT!

Another image featuring a failed attempt of climbing a mountain was captioned: Training Notes; Sarge once cut the training ropes in the middle of an exercise, resulting in the gruesome deaths of four cadets. On that day, Sarge smiled for the first time in years; (Sarge...probably) “I hope a dinosaur fucks you in the ass.”

“I’m honestly not surprised if he actually did that in real life to be honest,” said Sasha.

“That’s because you’re afraid of him,” Eren pointed out. “He’s too much of a coward in real life if you recall.”

“...You only say that because he wanted to bang your mom.”

“Absolutely.” 

The scene changed to Eren inside his titan, staring off into space. The scene went dark before changing to Eren’s fever dream.

Carla laughed by the sink of their home, “dishes are fun!” Mikasa stood by her side and helped complete the chore. Eren blinked sleepily from his spot by the window, his 10-year-old form wrapped up in a blanket.

“This is what you were thinking about?” Mikasa asked. 

“Actually, I don’t remember this at all,” Eren shrugged. “Seems logical that my brain would go back to a safe place after all of the traumatic stuff that just happened. I mean, I knocked myself out and everyone wanted to kill me.”

“If only this whole thing was a dream,” Armin agreed.  

‘Everything is back to the way it used to be,’ Eren looked around the room. ‘Mom and Mikasa are cleaning up, and dad’s reading alone like a fuckin nerd.’

“Like father, like son,” Hange said in a sing-songy voice as they measured out the ribbing on the body of a sweater. 

‘Just like old times.’ He yawned, tears prickling the corners of his eyes. ‘So tired.’ He wiggled in place to get comfortable. ‘Feels like when mom would give me benadryl before her business meetings. I think I’ll take a nap.’ Shutting his eyes, Eren leaned back into the cushion.

“Ugh, gross!” Eren covered his ears and hunched over. If his mother was using benadryl to knock him out, and the business meetings were still happening that meant he was IN the house when his mom was- nope. He wasn’t going there.

“Benadryl is a potent antihistamine...” Armin was barely holding it together. He looked as if he was torn between laughing and crying.

“Ah, yeah that would do it,” Hange mentally thanked Onyankopon for explaining what antihistamines were in the first place.

In real life, Armin finally reached the scene, breathing heavily from the trip. He stared At his steaming friend. “That’s right my friends. Your master has arrived.”

“Oh,” said Connie.

“Oh no,” said Jean.

“Armin?” Eren eyed his friend cautiously. “Why are you biting your bottom lip?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know~” the blond licked his lips then smirked.

“Hange,” Erwin leaned over, “this is getting weird.” Then he turned, “Levi, deal with it please.”

“Huh? What am I supposed to do??”

“Just make them clean. That’s what you always do.”

“But you could have told them yourself!”

“But you are the one with standards. Not me.”

Levi’s eyes widened as his nose scrunched. Then he stood up and thrust a mop into Armin’s hands. “Behind the couches. Now.” His eyes narrowed. “And leave not even a single speck of dust or dirt.”

“Sir!” Armin attempted to salute but only succeeded in hitting his face with the handle of the mop.

Everyone but Levi winced in sympathy. 

Over by the gate, the titans were excitedly chattering away.

“Every day is a holiday” 

“Walls ain’t gonna save yo ass!”

“Fool dat. We’ll take a shit on this castle”

“Okay,” Jean, Connie and Annie’s squad leader said as everyone hid behind a wall. “Well the last squad that ventured out of cover just got devoured alive. Who fancies a race?”

“This feel like the beginning. You know, 'turning certain death into points motivates me' kinda mood,” said Jean.

“...Mood,” Historia agreed.

“This is serious bullshit,” Jean complained.

“Remember, You don’t have to be the fastest. You just need to be faster than the person running next to you.”

“He’s not wrong,” Eren gave a side nod.

“How the literal fuck did we get picked for this assignment?”

Annie spoke up, “sir, permission to trip others to ensure my own survival if needed?”

The squad leader turned, “that’s the kind of forward thinking we like in this military, Cadet. Permission granted.”

“That’s totally gonna bite him in the ass,” said Jean, “I’m calling it right here.”

“There is no maybe,” Historia scoffed. “It’s gonna happen.”

The explosive sound of cannon fire perked everyone up. Cannon balls crashed into rooftops, nearly missing the titans.

“Yeah, I got fuckin’ wasted,” a titan said as it crashed to the ground, steam coming from it’s neck.

‘Greg’ zipped over, catching another titan’s attention.

 The titan reached over to Mitabi. “I will hug you and squeeze you and call you George.”

“How many names can you have for this man?” Jean threw his arms out. 

Connie patted his back, “I don’t know, but ‘George’ was the best that titan could think of?”

“I would have went for Brian,” said Sasha. “Not for any specific reason, but because I’ve never met a person who was named Brian.”

“What about Brian from the library?” asked Hange.

“Exactly. Never met one.”

Mikasa spun around with a shout, slicing off the titan’s nape with precision before pulling herself back to the rooftop. Mitabi moved just in time as the titan crashed in front of him.

“They’re breaking through!” Ian yelled.

Another titan climbed onto the rooftop beside them. “I’m cuttin’ billin’, breh. Look at me! Breh! This shit feels like kindergarten.”

“Titan school? Am I finally losing it?” Levi shielded his eyes from the brats.

“Bold of you to assume that any of us were sane to begin with,” said Erwin.

Mikasa’s face hardened.

“Pop the champagne!” a deep-voiced titan said. Mikasa turned toward the sound of more titans by the gate.

“PRAISE THE WALLS!”

“How would that even work? The titan being a wallist, I mean,” asked Historia. 

“It’s a catchy phrase, not gonna lie,” said Eren. “It really rolls off the tongue.”

“Oooh shit! It’s an after part-ay~”

“They got some room service up in this bitch!”

“Eren!” Mikasa turned on her heel and ran off. Anchoring onto its nape, she sliced a pure titan in her way apart with a shout, sending it crashing face-first into a rooftop.

“Oh my god I am done!”

“Fuck Kanye!”

Then a familiar voice shouted, “Mikasa!” The girl turned toward the voice in surprise. Armin stood on Eren-titan’s trapezius, close to the nape. “Why is Eren being useless?”

“How is that any different from usual, Armin?”

“Dang Jean, harsh. But very true.”

“And I don’t get a say in any of this?”

“Eren, am I wrong though?”

“...no.” 

“He went into a rage after transforming and knocked himself out. We can’t get him to wake up or respond,” Mikasa explained.

“...Really?” the blond growled in exasperation.

Eren snorted, causing Mikasa to whack him upside the head.

Rubbing his head Eren said, “worth it.”

“Armin.”

“I mean, seriously?!”

“Yeah, Armin he-”

“I couldn’t do that if I tried! He had one fucking job to do and he knocked himself out?!”

“Yeah, come on Eren!” said Connie in playful offence. “One job and you fuck it up.”

Eren raised an eyebrow at the buzzcut man, “are you seriously telling me?”

“...yeah you’re right.” Connie turned, “Jean, scold Eren.”

“You had one job, man,” Jean shook his head.

“Damnit Jean, you sound like Mikasa now,” Eren whined.

“That means it’s working,” Mikasa reassured Jean, who nodded.

“Armin, I literally do not have the time. Now use your books to unfuck the situation!”

“GAAAH ALL RIGHT!” Armin turned to face his unconscious titan friend’s head.

“...Do you have any ideas?”

“By the walls, Mikasa, let the man think!”

“Don’t go around knocking yourself out then, Eren.”

“One time! I punch myself in the face one time, and all of a sudden that’s all everyone thinks of when they see me!”

“We’re still not past the whole Rapunzel thing you got going there. You know this right?,” Hange worked another ball of yarn into the sweater to continue where the other one had ended.

Eren paused. “I’m killing the look though, you gotta admit.”

“You really are,” Connie nodded.

“I’ve got one.” He returned to a normal volume, “after all, pain is the greatest motivator.” Armin drew one of his blades.

“Nuh-uh. I coined that phrase,” said Levi. “The trial,” he clarified for half of the group.

“You also kicked me in the face repeatedly,” Eren pointed out.

“Do you resent me?”

“No but-”

“Then there we go. No further questions, no problems, everything is fine.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works-”

“Everything. Is. Fine.” 

“...Alrighty then.”

“Armin, what are you doing?” Mikasa asked hesitantly.

“Shut the fuck up and let me do my shit!” he screamed. She gaped as she continued to watch Armin work.

“You’re really messing up his groove Mikasa, come on!” Sasha teased.

“What groove? He came up with his plan on the spot,” Mikasa replied.

“And it worked, didn’t it?” Armin smirked.

“Of course it did. I trust you.”

“Oh,” Armin blinked. “I thought we were gonna continue the whole roast chain we had going. Guess not.”

Mikasa rolled her eyes then faced forward.

“He studies the various permutations of flesh and striations of muscle, looking for a chink in his armour,” Armin narrated as he walked closer to the nape. Using his triggers, he anchored himself to Eren’s shoulders.

“A-armin?” 

“He lifts the blade to start the feast. The entire world watches in ravenous hunger. He readies the strike.”

“Are you seriously gonna-”

Armin cut Jean off, “yup.”

“I didn’t even get to finish!”

“And I don’t care.”

“Armin?” Mikasa repeats steadily.

“Here it is Mr. Whiskers. Take us home.” Then he screamed and braced himself, sinking his blade through titan flesh and into Eren’s human arm.

“Armin what the fuck!?”

Connie repeated Mikasa’s words, “Yeah, Armin. What the fuck?”

“It was the quickest way to get a response out of him. Talking to him wasn’t doing shit. What about you? Would you have known what to do?” Armin asked. Fine. It wasn't his best moment, but he still made it work.

Jean looked away. “Fair point...Can I try next time?”

Mikasa gave him a look from the corner of her eye.

“Message received,” Jean straightened up and faced forward.

As the blade went through Eren’s human arm, his eyes widened as he yowled in pain, wriggling his titan form and trying to Armin off. Mikasa flinched back with a gasp as she watched Eren go batshit crazy.

“AAHH OH MY GOD HOLY FUCK! AAAAAHHHH,” the titan screamed.

“Mood,” said Levi.

Armin grunted and looked back, “well, it’s a start. Now cover me!”

“I like how Armin is all calm about nearly becoming minced meat,” Jean regretted his choice of words immediately.

Mikasa grit her teeth and reluctantly followed his orders with a growl. She hopped off the deceased titan and left.

Armin turned back to his blade. “Eren. Eren. Eren!” he gritted.

Eren on the other hand was staring off into space despite the wiggling blade in his arm.

Armin panted and weakly hit the titan’s nape, “Eren, wake the fuck up.”

The scene began to shift back to Eren’s dream world as Armin continued calling his name. Child Eren looked back to the window from his blanket cocoon.

“Look at me though. I’m in my blanket cocoon. Why would you want to take me away from that?”

“Eren, you’re supposed to be sealing the gate to Trost! My hometown !”

“Nobody asked you, Jean.”

Jean gave an offended neigh.

A child Armin was seen pounding his fist on the window. “Eren. Eren! Wake the fuck up!” 

“Armin,” Eren said sleepily, “it’s so hard to hear you over the benadryl.”

“You kinda remind me of that world’s Reiner right now,” said Jean as he grabbed a few chunks of fruit off the tray on the coffee table and put them onto a small plate.

“...By the walls, you’re right,” Eren’s eyes were wide. ‘We are the same, Reiner.’

“Wake up!”

“So sleepy.” Eren ignored his friend.

The scene shifted back to Trost as Armin pounded on Eren’s nape. “Everyone is depending on you to pull through! If you don’t wake up right now, we’re going to die!”

“Mom’s having people over, Armin,” Eren watched as dream-Carla and dream-Mikasa washed and dried dishes. “You can’t stay.”

The EMA trio grimaced at the implication. Good times with Carla, that absolute legend.

“Open this window!” the blond growled.

“But we have a door.”

Connie and Jean snorted.

“Open this window right now!”

“Why don’t you come through the door like normal people?”

Connie smirked at Armin, “yeah, why don’t you just use the door?”

“I don’t know,” Armin shrugged. “This isn’t even my hallucination.”

“Alright, fair,” Connie nodded.

Armin screeched in frustration, though it was muffled by the window between the two boys. “Why is the glass so dirty?”

Eren turned around and thought aloud as Armin continued pounding on the window. “Why would anyone climb through the window, when you can walk...through a door ?”

“That’s like asking why Levi does his spinny thing. You don’t just ask people that, Eren,” Erwin shook his head with his fists resting on his hips.

Levi raised an eyebrow. “Spinny thing? Really?”

“Does it really matter?”

“Do I answer the first question?” asked Eren tentatively.

“No, let the man speak,” Historia leaned over and propped her chin on her palm.

“Thank you.” Levi then turned back to Erwin. “You told me you understood the physics behind my maneuvers. Hell, I know the physics behind them. Are you telling me you're a fake nerd?”

“Whoa, that is definitely not the direction I thought this conversation was going!” Hange chuckled nervously. “Back to watching?”

Everyone confirmed.

“You won’t be able to save Mikasa!” Armin tried one last time to grab Eren’s attention. “You won’t be able to rub it in Hannes’ face!”

Eren’s face immediately snapped to full awareness. “ Hannes .”

“The lack of hesitation is real,” Connie whistled to end his statement.

Dream-Carla turned back and smiled at him before the scene swiped back to Trost. A titan brought a screaming garrison soldier up and into its mouth.

Annie, Jean and Connie all ran in an attempt to escape the other three titans chasing them.

“Annie! You tripped our squad leader!” Jean panicked, “I thought you were kidding!”

“Wait, that was your squad leader?” Sasha’s eyes widened. “You know what? I should have expected that. Especially from Annie.”

“Annie’s not that bad!” Armin shouted before he realized what he was saying. His face flushed immediately.

“Not doing yourself any favors, Arlert,” Levi commented.

She shook him off, “it bought us time, now RUN!”

“Don’t even start, Jean.” Connie shoved his finger to the other man’s chest. “You basically did the same thing with Happy Tom and those other guys.”

“You don’t even remember their names, Connie.” Jean deadpanned.

Mikasa ran across the rooftops and watched as fellow soldiers were devoured. Armin would have loved to see it.

Then, Ian zoomed over and with a cry, he murdered a titan just before another man was eaten.

“They just keep coming!” Mitabi trembled as everyone scanned the area.

“CRACK COCAINE!!!!!!!!” a titan shouted as it whipped its arm onto the roof. Ian and Mitabi ran out of the way just before the titan’s hand crushed them.

Needless to say, the younger generation was laughing until they could barely breathe.

Ian rolled then looked up to the rest of the squad. “We can’t hold this position forever. Spread out.”

Back with Pixis, the garrison commander silently watched as all hell broke loose. His advisor silently cried at his superior’s blatant disregard for the situation. Rip for his internal suffering.

“Goddamn,” Jean pursed his lips and furrowed his eyebrows. “What did Pixis do this time?”

“Commander,” Pixis finally spoke. 

“...”

“I have an erection. Please inform the Whoopiest of Goldbergs of this particular predicament.”

Eren raised a chair above his head.

Mikasa didn’t even look at him, but she knew. “Eren, don’t push it.”

He put the chair back down.

“...” the soldier slowly cried more tears.

“I kinda feel bad for that guy though,” said Connie.

“Yeah,” Sasha nodded. “He deserves a raise and a feast.”

“Only you,” Jean muttered.

In Trost, Jean’s squad continued their escape. Connie gave panicked laughs as he dodged another swipe from a titan.

“OH MY GOD THAT WAS CRAZY,” the titan commented. “That damn mutherfucker slipped through my hands like he was an eel. Goddamn! Slippery ass bitch!”

“Good job not getting eaten, Connie,” said Eren.

“Thanks, though the same couldn’t be said for Jean,” Connie pointed his thumb at him.

“I-” Jean froze. Of course he remembered that the one person who saved him from that situation had to be him . Marco. “Nevermind,” he leaned on the armrest, nipping at his knuckle.

Connie froze as the titan neared him but then an anchor was shot and grazed the titan’s hand.

“I mean, you saw that shit. Right dog? That was crazieee~. I could have sworn I had him.”

“Connie, get out of here!” screamed the other cadet. Jean turned on his heel and lured the titan away. ‘Alright, that should be good enough. Later sucker!~’

CHINK CHINK

Jean’s gear didn’t respond. He hummed in confusion as he looked at the triggers.

“Oof rip dude,” said Historia.

“And it gets better,” Jean replied sarcastically. And this is why he liked their new gear.

CHINK CHINK 

CHINK

CHINK CHINK

CHINK 

CHINK

CHINKCHINK

A medium titan stopped right behind Jean with a growl, “Yeah, motherfucker!!!! Imma bite chou DICK OFF!” It punctuated by slapping the ground where Jean was, but the soldier had leapt out of the way.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Sasha half screamed half wheezed. 

“Holy shit!” Connie agreed, spiraling into the laughter that was quickly overtaking everyone.

Erwin’s shoulders trembled slightly as he fought to keep still. “I can see why one would be afraid in that circumstance, but by the walls!”

Annie and Connie reeling in and were on top of the wall in no time then they looked off the edge.

“We made it!” Connie cheered. “Wait. Where’s Jean?” The two looked down at the streets before the familiar cadet caught their eye.

“You left me, you asshole!”

“I tried getting you back, Jean. Remember?”

“You can help save Mikasa but not me, Connie? I thought we had something special.”

“I’m sorry, Jean. It’s nothing personal.”

“...Is our life a soap opera now?” Levi shook his head and focused back on the screen.

“I’m coming for that DICK, JEAN!” The titan sluggishly followed as Jean ran away.

“OH SHIT,” Jean yelled.

“I’M COMING!” the titan repeated.

Jean gave a shaky scream in response.

“I think we can all agree that in his shoes, we would all probably be majorly freaked out by that,” said Armin.

“Unless you’re a titan shifter,” said Eren.

“Unless you’re Eren,” quipped Jean.

“Isn’t that the same thing?” asked Sasha.

“Well yes but actually no,” Levi explained.

Back on the wall, Connie and Annie gaped then looked at one another.

“Why are you two just standing there??” Jean threaded a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. Nope, still not working. “Fine. Connie, I understand but Annie?”

“She had multiple times she could have killed you and here you are: alive and kicking,” said Eren.

“You are giving me so many mixed signals.”

“Great. That means I’ve succeeded at making everyone uncomfortable again.”

“As if we were ever comfortable to begin with,” Armin remarked.

Jean had finally chased the titan down to a narrower alley and hid in one of the abandoned buildings.

Armin on the other hand continued his speech. “Eren, remember our dream about the outside world?” Dream-Armin spoke with him, “our plans to explore as far as we could see?”

“You wouldn’t ever shut up about it,” Levi said.

Armin flushed, “was I really that bad?”

“Yup,” said Jean.

“Yeah,” Connie nodded.

“I mean...” Eren trailed off. 

“Even you, Eren?” Armin whined. “What about you, Mikasa?”

She shrugged. Armin’s face became impossibly flushed as he curled up and buried his face in his palms.

Eren perked up again.

“It was a beautiful dream, Eren. We would have ruled over all that we found. (Scene shifted to desert) From endless deserts (scene shifted to ocean) to endless oceans (scene shifted to a leaf with morning dew) to lush forests (scene changed to a plain of cracked ice with the northern lights above) and even the moon!! (the scene panned over Armin’s illegal book) All while following the field notes of Mr. Adolf.” 

“Must have been some book,” Connie remarked.

Armin made a pitiful sound of embarrassment.

The scene shifted back to dream-Armin. “We can still reach that dream, Eren. Even now. But first...you must murder them all,” Armin growled darkly. 

“I must...murder them all,” Eren repeated after his friend.

“Armin, did you just mind-control Eren?” Hange set down the needles and whipped out their notebook with a squeal.

“That brings up another question. What came first: Eren’s murderous tendencies, or Armin’s insanity?” asked Erwin.

“Probably Armin’s insanity,” said Sasha. “I think he was born that way.”

“What about Grisha? Eren’s the son of a titan shifter after all,” Jean pointed out. 

“...Well, I’m certain about one thing. I don’t care,” said Levi, glaring at everyone. 

“A-ah,” Jean faced forward. Everyone else followed.

He stood up, letting the blanket fall to the floor. “I must...murder all titans!”

“Yep,” Jean hung his head and pointed at the screen, “there it is.”

“Was I really like that?” asked Eren.

“Are you seriously asking that?” asked Connie. Then he turned to Sasha, “is he seriously asking that?”

She rolled her eyes and bobbed her head to the side.

“Seriously guys?” Eren whined.

“Eren, you invented teenage angsty anger issues for homicidal maniacs with a death wish,” said Armin.

“That was oddly specific...”

Dream-Armin furrowed his eyebrows, “well, yeah. Yeah, titans too, but I was actually referring-”

“No, Armin. You don’t understand,” Eren replied without looking back.

“Yeah, Armin. I have a good reason for wanting to kill them all,” Eren attempted to defend himself. Keyword being ‘attempted’.

Everyone’s eyes were on Eren. When Eren finally turned toward Armin, there was a hauntingly determined look on his face. “Until every last titan is dead, my family cannot be whole again. I must murder all titans. I must take BACK this world! My family is PURRRREEEEEEE!!!”

A tornado of fire enveloped the room and turned his family to ash. Outside the dreamscape, Eren’s titan began rapidly healing with a drawn out roar.

The ending played.

“You were saying?” Armin said with a raised eyebrow.

“Whatever,” Eren pouted and turned away.

“Anyhow, it’s about 1832 hours so I think we all should eat something, yeah?” Hange suggested.

“Yes yes yes, a thousand times YES!” Sasha jumped up from her spot and scurried over toward the hallway.

“Dear Walls, FOLLOW HER BEFORE SHE EATS EVERYTHING!!!” Jean ran over after her as everyone else snapped out of it and followed.

Notes:

Chapters written: 12 out of 19 (or rather episodes written for since that makes more sense)

I'm doing it. I am slowing down updates to every other week. The school year is starting up and I want to keep the quality of this so in order to accommodate for my lack of free time I won't be able to update as often. I have about half of 13 written and after that I'll have 6 more to go (assuming Tom and all don't update episode 20 during that time). But yeah. I'm excited!

And with all that said, if you would like to do a little extra for this broke college student, consider buying me a coffee here.

Chapter 14: Episode 13: Messiah Complex

Summary:

In which Jean may or may not know Spanish, dead-Marco jokes exist and Levi: The King of References.

Also more of Eren's time in Marley. Unless yams gives up something, Imma take some huge liberties there.

Notes:

I do my best to incorporate thing you guys want so please, comment if you wanna see something specific!

Ngl tho, I keep typing Armin now when I want to type arm.

“You lied to me!”

“Sasha, how was I supposed to know?”

“Eren, how could your mother do this to us??? It wasn’t real meat!”

“It sure did taste like it though-”

“Shut up Connie! This is between me, and Eren.”

“But it was my mom who provided-”

“AH AH AH! No. She’s dead so naturally the blame falls onto the next of kin, and that just so happens to be you.”

“Fine, I know you’re upset about the veggie burgers, but we have more important things to do right now if we want to be back in the real world by tomorrow...today...this is really confusing since she said we would return back to the time we were taken but it’ll still feel like a day has passed to us...”

“...Back to watching?” Hange suggested.

“Yeah,” Erwin nodded as everyone settled back into their spots.

The opening played.

Titan footsteps thudded heavily in the distance as Jean sat in an abandoned house. “This is it. It’s time to take responsibility for all the decisions that got me to this point...I still blame Eren...”

“But why?!” Eren turned to Jean.

He shrugged. “You DID kinda knock yourself out and delay the whole plan, so in a way, yeah, it is your fault.”

“... well dang.”

“Fee Fi Fo Fum, I’mma beat that ass numb!” the dick eating titan shouted still having no luck at finding Jean.

“Kinky.”

Mikasa punched Eren's shoulder.

Jean watched it through the window carefully then looked around the area. 

There. He spotted his ticket out. Under some rubble was a soldier...with intact gear!

With a gasp, he quickly formulated a plan to get the gear off of the nearby corpse.

“Where that dick at Jean? I know you around here somewhere!” said the titan as it continued its search. 

Connie and Sasha snorted with laughter. 

“You know what? I’m not even mad. This is really funny,” Jean chuckled.

Elsewhere, other titans continued ravaging Trost.

“Oh shit! We found a jackpot!”

“This city is the shit!”

“Oh no, he’s sticking Joseph up his nose!” a garrison soldier cried.

Levi made a face at that.

“Hey yo, take a hit of this motherfucker! He smells like sherbet!” The titan inhaled the soldier it caught deeply.

Rico glared, “god damnit, let them know! We’re not drugs!”

“Armin and I are, though,” said Eren.

“Why are you like this?” Jean rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“It’s part of my charm.”

The dick titan wasn’t having any luck finding Jean. “Man, fuck this shit, maybe he went over here.”

And there was the opportunity Jean had been waiting for. He immediately got up and ran out to the corpse. “This is my chance! Looting corpses may be below my rank, but it will help me survive!”

“You don’t even have a rank yet,” Eren pointed out. Technically they were all still cadets who hadn’t graduated yet at that time.

“And you technically never graduated,” Jean spat back.

“Because my face was getting caved in!”

“And I bet you enjoyed every last minute of it! You and your hero worship complex. You probably wanted Captain to come back for more!”

“Are you jealous? Wanna take a crack at me yourself?”

Jean flushed, “what the- no! I- how could you even- AAGH! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!”

“Hey, you’re the one who started it,” Eren raised his arms in surrender. “You should have seen it coming, so really, whose fault is it?”

“Both of you, shut it and watch the damn thing,” Levi interrupted them before the argument could escalate.

“Jean!” Connie screamed from atop the wall. 

Unfortunately, Jean wasn’t getting very far. “Damnit, you unhelpful corpse! Why did I never learn how to take the bra off? That would have made this so much easier.”

“Seriously? It’s not even that hard,” Eren remarked.

“I’m not even gonna question how you know that,” Jean sunk further into his seat.

“It really isn’t that hard,” Levi agreed. Shit. He wasn’t supposed to say that out loud.

“I’m not gonna question that either,” Jean then turned his attention back to the screen.

As Connie and Annie continued to watch, Marco walked over.

“Guys...”

“Sasha?” asked Jean.

“Hotdog titan by Connie's forehead.”

“...huh,” Jean enunciated slowly.

“Who tightens the straps this much?” Jean complained, “triple laced? Are you fucking kidding me? Why is this stuck??? What the fuck are you wearing? Are you- ahdkuafvel- a chastity belt???”

“Okay, but chastity belts look like medieval torture devices,” said Sasha. “I mean, think about how hard it would be to sit with metal underwear.”

“Not to mention those claws,” Connie added to which Sasha nodded.

“Out of everything you could have knowledge about, you two know what chastity belts are??” Levi was gonna need something stronger than fake-Hannes’ moonshine at this rate.

“You have your hobbies, and we have ours,” Connie replied to the spiraling captain.

Yeah. Definitely something stronger.

“Stupid corpse!” he screamed with frustration. “This is why you lubricate!”

Jean made a choking sound.

“Don’t worry soldier,” Erwin tried to comfort the poor guy, “I once met a man who had an obsession with buttering pans.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad-”

“The handles,” Erwin interrupted Jean. “Sometimes the bottom too if he wanted the smell of burning butter to permeate his house.”

“...why?”

Erwin shook his head with a shrug. “I couldn’t tell you.”

“...Enlightening,” said Armin.

The dick tian finally made himself present again, approaching Jean from behind. “I found yo’ ass, Jean!”

“Jean!” Marco shouted from off-screen. Then he maneuvered over and around the titan’s shoulder to grab its attention. “I’ll save your life and your soul!”

“Marco! You effervescent fuck!” Jean cried.

“YEEEEEAAAAHHH! Two dicks! Yeah, pretty boy!” the titan cheered as it followed Marco. “I’m ‘bout ta gargle the dicks. Gonna have a dick party!~”

Armin covered his mouth and stared widely at the floor, exhaling deeply.

“You know what? I couldn’t have said it better myself, Armin,” Eren said.

Through sheer determination, Jean finally acquired the gear he had been so desperately to loot.

Connie came flying in with a cry. “Aiyy! Jean!” He ran along the rooftop, “get the fuck up so we can go!”

“No need to tell me twice!” Jean said as he ran off and maneuvered past a titan with the new gear. “Peace bitc- ouch!” 

The titan grabbed onto Jean’s leg and threw him to the ground.

“What? A jammed trigger too?” Jean cried when he tried to pick himself up. “Damnit corpse! Everything you own sucks!”

“To be fair, it was life or death. I think I’m a little justified here,” Jean said.

“Fine, but this still adds a point,” warned Mikasa.

Jean sighed, “I figured.”

Jean looked back at the pure titan getting closer. “This is it.”

“YIPPIE KAY YAY MUCHACHO!!” shouted Connie when he finally had Jean in his sights. He jumped off the rooftop and-

Crashed into the titan’s head. 

“Aargh! Son of a bitch! Fuck! Agh!” Connie crashed back onto the rooftop.

“Ooooo,” Sasha flinched back, “that did not look fun.”

“Don’t worry. It hurt my pride more than anything else,” Connie bowed his head with a whine.

“Connie, You stupid fuck!” Jean yelled at him.

“No no no no te vas pa’ la mierda!! Te vas pa’ la mierda. ¡Yo no voy pa’ allá! Tu no viste el tamaño de ese hijueputa!! ¡Yo no voy pa’ allá! No no no no no!” Connie ranted.

“The hell? We’re doing this again?” asked Jean.

Erwin on the other hand went a bit wide eyed, “oh my. That was quite vulgar.”

“Wait,” Jean turned around, “you know what he said?”

“Yeah. I learned spanish in the afterlife. Though, something about the grammatical structure seems a little strange. I guess it’s not my place to talk about, though, since I’m not an expert on the subject.”

“...what did he say?”

“Uuuhhhhhh...” Erwin looked around to see if anyone would save him. Thankfully, Armin came to his rescue.

“I figured you would ask that so here is what he said:” Armin cleared his throat, “No no no no! Fuck off! Fuck off! I’m not going over there! You don’t see the size of that bastard! I’m not going there! Nonononono!”

Eren snorted. “It sounds weird coming out of your mouth. It’s almost like I’m being threatened by a lamb.”

“But I’ve since grown. Mess with the ram and get the horns,” Armin challenged, licking his lips.

“Damn, that was smooth,” Connie congratulated.

Armin just smirked.

“That’s all it was?” Levi whispered to Erwin.

“I prefer to keep my language proper and sophisticated,” Erwin whispered at an equal volume. “Besides, they all see me as a father figure. What kind of father swears in front of their child?”

“Kenny did, and I turned out just fine.” A second passed before Levi realized what he had just implied. He looked up and was met by Erwin’s raised eyebrow.

“You had a clear shot at the neck!”

“Tu estas loco?! Por un momento era que yo quería irme pa’ allá, pero no, te vas pa’ la mierda!! Mami me dijo que no me metiera aquí, y yo todavía estoy aquí metido por culpa tuya.”

“Are you crazy?! For a moment, I wanted to go there, but no. Fuck off! Mom told me not to come in here, and I’m still here because of you!” Armin clarified once more.

“Kudos to Connie’s mom. She seems like a badass,” said Sasha.

“Mothers always are,” Eren mused. He set his glass back on the coffee table and grabbed a pack of gushers.

“No you have two swords! You could have used your fucking swords!” Jean screamed.

“So wait,” said Sasha, “does this mean that Jean can understand Spanish?”

“Probably not. His reactions are pretty spot on, though...” Armin huffed and arched his back, earning a few pops.

“Dear god Armin. That was like ten in a row,” Connie grimaced. “Did that hurt?”

“Huh? Oh, not really. I think I can do a few more.” The blond propped up his right leg and twisted his spine so that his left elbow pressed the side of his knee. A sequence of five more pops was heard before he switched sides and popped three more.

“I think that’s a new record,” Eren said.

“You’re forgetting about Christmas a couple years ago,” Mikasa reminded him.

“Oh yeah.”

“How are you not in pain???” Jean asked slowly, his voice a little pitchy.

Armin gave an ‘I don’t know’ grunt.

“I just wet myself because of you! I’m supposed to strip tonight!” Connie spat back.

Connie’s face was on fire. “Why me?” He buried his face in his palms.

“Rip dude,” Jean patted his back, though much softer than Connie did to him.

“How the fuck do you think I feel?!”

“Connie no te rindas en tus sueñooooooooo! (Caption: Connie never give up on your dreeeeeeeams!) AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII!” Connie dodged another attack from the titan.

“Fuck this!” Jean turned and ran, finally getting the gear to work. “Fuck today!” He jumped out of way just in time as a titan lunged after him. “Fuck that corpse! Fuck this shit, and most importantly, fuuuuuuck youuuuu Errreeeenn!” Jean’s pitch raised all the way to falsetto as he sloppily maneuvered back on top of wall Rose with Connie, Marco and Annie following suit.

“Mood,” said Armin.

Mikasa blinked a few times before frowning. 

Eren turned to her. “I’m thinking that’s five points at least .”

“...yeah.”

“I’ll take that,” Armin shrugged. “Eren has like fifty to be fair.”

“You’re keeping count?” Connie interrupted them. “I just thought y’all were BS-ing us.”

“Let’s put it this way,” said Mikasa. “You’ll know when you hit the ten point mark.”

Jean looked around, “by the Walls! We’ve made it!”

“The titans were no match for my,” Jean paused then smirked, “sweet moves.”

There was a chorus of groans all around the room.

“Seriously man? Right in front of my salad?” Sasha held up her plate for emphasis.

“I thought you were upset about the veggies-”

“I was upset that I was LIED TO, Eren! Not that there was food. When this is all over, YOU OWE ME!”

“You’re buying me new pants, the second this shit is over!” Connie yelled into Jean’s face.

“Damn. You seriously pissed yourself,” Jean stated...awkwardly.

“Why did you bring that up?” Connie whined.

“I dunno. I just felt like I needed to say something.”

“You know what? I’m not gonna stand for this. Sasha?”

“Way ahead of you Connie.” She held up a container with a questionable odor oozing from it.

“Thank you. And here is your spoon, Jeanny-boy.”

“Guys,” Jean scoffed, “really? Fine. Give me the spoon.” Jean scooped up a substance from the container that was somehow solid but dripping at the same time and pinched his nose before sticking it in his mouth. At first, he looked fine, but within seconds, Jean was sweating and tearing up. He covered his mouth as he slowly chewed and swallowed the horrid...thing.

“Wanna know what that was?” Connie smirked.

“No.” Jean stared him in the eyes. “Under no circumstances will you tell me whatever the hell that was made of.” The world around him spun for a moment.

“Oh god, are you alright?” Historia caught Jean by the shoulder.

He took a deep breath and uprighted himself. “Hopefully,” he replied before situating himself in his seat. Hopefully indeed. Last time they did this, he almost got hospitalized. He’ll just hope everything was edible this time.

Annie looked back, “everyone.”

Jean stood up and faced her.

“Look,” she continued.

Jean gaped.

Mikasa wore a similar expression as rhythmic thumping was heard in the distance.

Rico and another female soldier froze in shock.

Mitabi and Ian’s attention was caught.

Slowly, a boulder could be seen moving through the streets, steam and dust emanating around it. 

Mikasa gasped.

“Hey look,” said Levi. “You stopped being useless.”

“Yep, sir,” Eren nodded as he took another sip from his juice box.

“...”

“..?”

“Why on earth are you drinking out of a box?”

“It’s so I don’t spill my juice!”

“And?”

“...and the nurses only let us have juice boxes. They said it’s too dangerous to have a cup since patients would always dump or break the glasses.”

Levi raised an eyebrow.

“It’s also very convenient..? I suggest you try it too if you really wanna know, Captain.”

The captain rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll indulge.” He grabbed a box and stabbed the straw into the foil circle before taking a tentative sip. Nope. “This just tastes like sugar and disappointment.”

Eren gasped.

“Well, what were you expecting me to say?”

“I agree,” Eren said in complete seriousness.

Armin spit his drink back into his cup and coughed harshly. “Tried to laugh and inhaled the bubbly water,” he heaved deep, shaky breaths, trying to regain control. “Walls, that burns.”

Eren gave him a sympathy pat on the shoulder.

Eren groaned as he took a calculated step. “Augh, this would’ve been a lot easier to roll instead.” The boulder sat precariously perched on Eren’s shoulder with his hands stabilizing it. “Why did I never pay attention in physics?”

“You know what? This is actually Armin’s fault. He was the one who told me to pick it up,” said Eren.

“I’m book smart. Not a mathematician,” Armin crossed his arms. “This is still on you Mr. My-dad-taught-me-how-to-be-a-doctor. The principles of physics probably fit in there somehow.”

Eren sighed. “You’re not wrong.”

Light shone in Mikasa’s eyes as tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. A familiar scream snapped her out of her trance as she turned to Armin.

“I did it! I did it!” Armin congratulated himself after landing on the same roof as Mikasa. “Now it’s all up to you to cover him.”

Ian’s expression hardened. ‘This is the moment I’ve been waiting for.’

“The moment he dies!” Armin cheered darkly.

“...”

“Too soon?”

Jean squinted then turned to Armin. “Nah.”

Ian gritted his teeth, “Soldiers! Defend them at all cost! Destiny awaits!”

“Yes sir!” said Armin and Mikasa.

Ian ran down but stopped at the sight of a few familiar soldiers running toward a group of approaching titans from behind. “Dog boy’s squad… what are they doing?”

“Look over here you bastards!” said one of the soldiers.

“If you don’t, I’ll shove my blade up your stinking ass!” ‘Greg’ threatened nervously.

There was a record scratch as the titans stopped.

“Oh shit,” Sasha snorted.

“He actually said that which makes it even better!” Armin giggled.

“Really? Nice,” Connie pursed his lips and nodded in approval. 

“What the fuck? Did y’all just hear this fool? He said he’s gonna shove a sword up my ass!” A couple titans turned and ran toward Mitabi. “We just tryin’ ta eat man, ain’t no need to get freaky. SHIT!”

“Oh come on. As if you haven’t thought about it,” Eren sassed.

“I haven’t thought about it,” said Jean, mildly horrified.

“Eren,” Armin said gently, “do you need to tell us something?”

“Probably,” Eren shrugged. “We all kinda need therapy though, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I mean, you have a point but a sword in your ass??? What were you on??”

“I don’t know? Depression? PTSD?” 

“Yes but those are not drugs! You of all people should know this!”

“I do know but it could have fooled me anyway. I guess it would be more of one big withdrawal.”

As if any of them had time for therapy in the first place...

“Abort! Abort! Abort!” Mitabi chanted as he and his squad ran away.

Historia snorted, “yikes. I kinda vibe with that though.”

“Their sacrifice won’t be enough to accomplish the mission,” said Armin. “More must die!”

“And there’s Armin’s thing again,” said Jean with a sigh.

“Have we finally become desensitized from all this?” asked Erwin.

“Yep,” Levi answered, sipping his tea noisily.

“One last time, into the fray, into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Follow Dog Boy’s lead!” Ian ordered his squad. “For honor! For glory! For Spartaaaa!!” The soldiers left the rooftop with a battle cry.

“Don’t follow me, Armin. You’ll die,” Mikasa then ran off with the others as Armin ignored her and followed anyway.

“Oof, and Armin totally ignored Mikasa. Harsh,” said Sasha. “But not unexpected.”

“This is Eren’s we’re talking about though. He’s a walking disaster,” Connie reminded her.

“I’m right here,” Eren pouted.

“OH GOD! JEAN!” Connie caught the man before he could reach the floor. Setting him back against the couch, Connie gently shook Jean’s shoulders and tapped his face. “Hey, man! This isn’t funny! Jean!”

“Connie! Sasha! What the hell did you do?!” Hange practically teleported over and quickly began examining the unconscious man. Heartbeat and body temp elevated and slight perspiration. Breathing, slightly labored.

“I got a rag and some cool water here,” Eren set the bowl onto the coffee table and handed the wet rag to Hange before taking a look for himself. “Allergic reaction, maybe? It could also be acute poisoning.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Hange nodded. Then they opened Jean’s mouth and looked inside. Bingo. There’s swelling. “An anaphylactic reaction.”

“I have 0.3 mg of epi right here,” Eren handed them a small syringe. Hange took it and injected it into Jean’s thigh and waited about five minutes, listening for improvements in his breathing. “It’s not getting better. I’m gonna need another 0.3 mg, Eren.”

“Way ahead of you,” he handed them a second syringe. They administered in the other thigh and thankfully this time, Jean’s breathing began to even out. 

“Alright. What did we learn?” Levi stared down the two conscious ones on the middle couch, his arms crossed.

“Don’t mix random foods together and feed it to Jean?” Sasha answered nervously.

“And never mix anything that isn’t edible!”

“Cashews are edible though!”

“Were they raw?” Eren asked, his head whipping around to meet her gaze.

“I don’t know. Maybe?” Sasha shrugged as her expression grew more and more frightened.

“They have the same toxin as poison ivy! No wonder he had an allergic reaction!”

“That’s it,” Hange’s glasses lit up from glare. “You both are banned from the kitchen, and I’m going to station guards at the doors so that this never happens again.”

“But commander! That isn’t really necessary! This was just a prank gone wron-”

“This has happened five separate times now! I’m just glad Jean can take it all, otherwise we’d all be down a good soldier, and more importantly, a part of this family. That would be on you two. So don’t you ever justify something this dangerous ever again.”

Connie and Sasha snapped their mouths shut and nodded.

Everyone all awkwardly turned back toward the screen as Jean stirred and tiredly joined them.

Eren marched over with the boulder. The scene zoomed in on his left eye as he shut it and fell back into a memory.

A child-Armin and child-Eren were sitting by the canal reading the facist atlas.

“From the moment Armin showed me his facist atlas,” Eren’s teenage voice echoed, “I knew there was more to this world than inside the walls.”

Child-Armin’s face lit up and his eyes sparkled.

“I knew that we were born free!” Eren continued. “We must fight for that freedom! No matter the cost! Fight! (Garrison soldier: ‘Eren, the gate!’) Fight!” Eren-titan opened his eye.

“You said fight twice,” Hange noted.

Eren looked at them.

“Does that mean there will be two fights? Emphasis perhaps? What fight are you referring to? And why were you talking to yourself? Giving yourself a little pep talk?”

“And you don’t talk to yourself?” Eren retorted.

“Yes but that’s different. It’s science.”

Eren raised an eyebrow.

“I’m the commander so shut up.”

Eren snorted but complied.

“Everyone! Push!” Ian yelled as he ran from a medium titan.

“Fight!” Eren repeated. Determined music began to play as he neared the gate. Armin and Mikasa ran by his feet, guarding him.

“There. I said it three times,” said Eren.

“And that helps your case, how, exactly?” asked Historia.

“...okay, you right.”

Ian watched a fellow soldier get devoured as he continued running. Then he was in the jaws of a titan, grabbing a soldier and tossing him out as he said, “no! My death!” As the titan pushed Ian into its mouth, Mikasa’s pupils became pinpricks. “Wait! Arggh! Arrrrghhhh!” Ian’s neck and head was crushed between the titan’s teeth.

“Nope, it's too late now. You said ‘my death’ so you must own up to it,” Hange set aside another finished sweater, making it five on the pile. How they managed to knit that fast, the world may never know.

“I’ve got this!” Rico growled as she swooped in from above and slashed the titan’s eye.

“Hey look. Rico is actually useful,” Levi snorted.

Mikasa ran on the rooftop until she was in position before somersaulting off and running behind a seated titan before grappling and rocketing herself to it’s nape. She let out a cry as she sliced deeply into its nape. As the titan fell, Eren was revealed, nearly at the gate. 

Armin and Mikasa watched in focus as Eren became steps away from the gate. Eren braced himself as his friends cheered him.

“Go, Erreeeen!” tears collected in the corners of Armin’s eyes.

“Walls, finally,” Historia mumbled. Eren was doing that for two episodes, practically. It was refreshing for it to finally be over.

Eren roared as he dropped the boulder into place. The scene showed it from three angles before settling behind Eren, dust clouding around. Armin gaped in relief.

Rico collapsed next to the barricade. “By the walls.” Tears were in her eyes. “He actually did it.” She shot up a yellow flare. “I’ve been a massive bitch.”

“At least she admits it,” Armin gave a nervous smile.

“Unlike some people,” Historia eyed Eren.

“I’m a lil bitch. This is well established,” Eren waved his arms for emphasis.

“Uh huh,” she grunted skeptically.

Back with Pixis...

“And there you have it,” said the commander. “Everything’s fine.”

“Bruh, what if it wasn’t?” Connie asked.

Sasha shrugged.

Anka brought down her scope. “Should we send reinforcements?”

“No, we’ve done enough as it is.”

“Honestly yeah,” said Historia. “I don’t think we want any more of your help...”

“His help was...questionable for sure,” Hange agreed.

“At least you survived?” Erwin tried to be optimistic but his higher pitch gave him away.

The titans on the other side of the boulder pawed at it.

Back with Eren...

His titan had already collapsed and Armin was trying to pull his human body out.

“More titans are coming! Evacuate!” Rico warned.

“We need to get Eren out first!” Mikasa replied. “Armin? Sitrep?”

“It’s like trying to pull him out of a ravenous octopus!” Armin let out a cry of frustration. “So many tentacles! Just like my hentai nightmares!”

Everyone looked at Armin.

Armin stared down at his lap, sweating slightly from the pressure.

“We don’t have time for hentai!” Rico gritted.

“Damn right,” Levi nodded.

 Eren rolled his eyes, “says the 40-year-old virgin.” He turned to face Levi. “You really just need to bone.”

“Oh god,” Mikasa whispered, resisting the urge to bury her face in her hands.

“What did you say?” Levi asked with amusement in his tone.

Mikasa whipped her head around to face Eren. “Don’t say it again,” she warned.

“I said you just need to bone,” Eren smirked.

Mikasa’s eyes went half-lidded as she glared at him.

“How dare you, Eren Jäger. I am your superior officer!” Levi all but shouted.

The room went silent.

“Wait!” Mikasa cried as Rico stood up.

“Bone!” Levi shouted out of nowhere.

There was a sound of a blade and flesh separated on the screen. Afterward, Armin fell back with Eren in his arms. Armin let out a shaky chuckle and a snort. Then a shadow came over the both of them accompanied by a thud. Armin turned around and froze.

“What happens in my bedroom, Jäger, is none of your business,” Levi said sternly.

The middle couch traded awkward glances with the EMA trio.

“Hey hey hey kids!” a titan said.

Armin’s pupils began to shrink but he was soon cut off by a cheer and the sound of ODM gear. Levi shot by and slashed one of the titans before pivoting in the air and spiraling toward the second titan, cutting its nape as well. 

“Bone?!” the captain shouted again.

Historia nearly jolted from the abruptness of the whole thing. Her lips thinned.

The two titans thudded heavily, lifting up more dust around them. As is settled, Levi landed on one of the dead titan’s nape and looked out into the distance.

Levi pointed a finger at Eren. “Don’t you ever speak to me like that again.”

Eren put his hands up in surrender. “Of course, Captain. My apologies.”

“Humanity’s greatest once again stands victorious!” the captain narrated as Eren slowly woke up and looked up at him. “That’s right, bitches! The Duke is back!” Levi looked back at them over his shoulder.

“Of what??? What are you the Duke of??” Hange stared down the captain.

“Why are you asking me?!” Levi shot back.

“Good point. Armin, why?!”

“I don’t know either!” the blond shook his head frantically.

“You’ve disappointed me Armin,” they shook their head.

Armin looked at Levi and mouthed a ‘what?’ but the captain shook his head and rolled his eyes.

An image of the colossal titan’s head and raised arms was titled: Nightlife in the Empire. It was captioned: 107 YEARS AGO; The Colossal Titan used to throw wicked raves before he switched to full-time murder; ‘I’m tripping balls bro!’; ‘Who grabbed my ass?’; ‘I did.’

“Okay, now I know this world it just fucking with us,” Jean rasped slightly then cleared his throat. “Bert is like the least threatening person there. He couldn’t even get them to shut up after retaking the refueling station.”

“That’s assuming that Bertholdt is still the Colossal titan here,” Armin rubbed his chin. It was unlikely that was the case but one could hope.

“True, but I doubt that isn’t the case.”

Armin made a non-committal grunt.

Another Image of the colossal grabbing soldiers was captioned: Fruit Gushers; Squeeze ‘em til the fun pops out!; ‘I’ll attempt to remember you!’; ‘fuck everything’.

“Gushers are pretty bussin,” Eren nodded.

“Are we just gonna ignore the man dying over there?” asked Erwin.

“It’s for the best,” Historia shrugged.

The scene faded to a bird-eye view of Trost. 

“With the arrival of the Survey Corps, the remaining cadets were able to safely evacuate Trost,” said a female narrator. “It took a full day of cannon fire to eradicate the remaining titans within the city.”

“Oh, they are trying to kick us out the party,” a titan complained as the soldiers fired cannons at them. “It’s closing time!”

“Closing time!” the titans chorused as the cannonballs rained upon them. 

“Kind of a weird moment to be singing but I guess I’ll just accept it,” Erwin pursed his lips.

“Open up your doors and let you out into the world. I know who I (cannonball hits titan in the face) want to take me home. (wings of freedom on a cape fluttering with sunset in the center) I know who I want to take me home.” 

“They’re pretty in tune for being wasted,” Armin observed.

“Still doesn’t come close to you,” Mikasa said off-handedly. 

Armin sputtered, “Mikasa!”

“You know it’s true,” Eren said.

“You’re gonna have to show us some time, dude,” said Connie.

Armin laughed. ‘I was trying to avoid that...’

“During the operation,” the narrator continued, “the Survey Corps was able to capture two titans for future experimentation.”

“Sawney and Bean are here too!” Hange gasped. “Did you hear that Levi?!”

“Yes, Hange,” he deadpanned.

“Isn’t that really cool?” 

“Only you, Hange. Only you.”

The scene faded to the titan enclosure where the titans were being held.

“Oh yeah! This some bondage sex slave shit right here,~” the blond one hummed.

“Hange?” Armin’s pitch went up as he furrowed his brow. “What were you doing to the titans?”

“Nothing like that . My experiments were more-”

“Please no,” Eren interrupted them. “The last time they went through it I was up the whole night.” He shuddered at the memory of no sleep.

“Man, I ain’t even into that shit. Fuck is wrong with you dog?” the brunet titan said normally.

“Wait till someone tickles your ass with a feather~ SHIT FEELS GREAT!~”

“Good for you I guess? I’m with the other titan on this one,” Eren said.

“For once,” Levi mumbled.

Mikasa glared from the corner of her eye to which Levi rolled his eyes.

The scene shifted back to the top of wall Rose with Pixis, Anka and the other guy. Whatever his name is...or was, if he’s dead?

“The cost of the operation was enormous. Over 200 soldiers were killed and more than 800 wounded,” said the narrator. “But for the first time in history, Humanity had won against the titans.”

“No thanks to my blood,” Historia huffed under her breath. 

The scene faded again then showed Trost after the titans had finally all decayed.

“Bring out you dead! Bring out your dead!” a soldier chanted in motivation.

Jean walked with his gloved hands out in front of him wearing a scarf to cover his nose and mouth.

Jean paled slightly. This world had that moment too?

“Time to sneak off while the lesser peons do the work,” Jean said as he looked around at the destruction. He stopped walking and grunted in confusion at the sight to his right.

His eyes widened. “No. It can’t be.” 

“Jean?” Historia eyed him. “Is everything alright?”

“Just watch,” he waved her off. Hange glanced over then looked back at the screen so as to not raise suspicion. 

The scene moved to behind Jean, a body at his feet. “Marco? Is that you?”

Marco’s right arm was missing.

“But I...I saw you..”

The freckled Jesus’ left arm rested on his stomach, the light giving him an angelic feel.

“On the wall with me...” Jean’s pupils went to pinpricks. “How..? How could you be here?”

Marco’s face was gaunt and grey. Half was gone, leaving one unseeing eye among the blood.

Those from the 104th all paled considerably at the familiar sight.

“My god,” Connie whispered, a hand over his mouth. He looked over at Jean...who was missing. Not that Connie would blame him.

Hange put a hand on Erwin’s shoulder. “Let’s give them a minute,” they whispered, eyes trained on their lap. 

 “I agree,” he nodded. He and Levi exchanged knowing glances.

Before too much longer, Jean returned to his seat, his face a little swollen.

“Or...or half of you at least,” Jean corrected himself.

“...”

“I mean, he’s not wrong.”

“Eren,” Mikasa whacked him on the head.

The scene whooshed as Jean fell onto the memory of reaching the armory. 

“Boy-howdy!” Marco’s voice echoed, “now that you’ve had a near death experience, have you considered accepting me as your lord and savior?”

“You’re not a prophet, Marco!” memory-Jean replied.

“But I am!” Marco insisted, “and one day, I will be eaten for your sins!”

The memory shifted back to the cadet corps mess hall.

“I could finally spread my message of peace throughout the populace!” said Marco.

The memory shifted to Trost after retaking the armory.

“Let me know anytime you want to talk about your sins,” Marco said.

The memory shifted back to their run toward the armory.

“Accept me into your life!” Marco exclaimed as he ran.

“No!” Jean refused.

The memory faded out and returned to Jean, his hands shaking. “By the walls, it was true! It was all true! You sweet freckled Messiah.” Jean’s expression was dark.

“I feel like we shouldn’t be here for this,” Eren whispered to Armin.

“I mean, your mother did say she wouldn’t let us go back until we watched this thing in its entirety...” the blond whispered back.

“But look at Jean.”

The two turned and looked...Jean, for lack of a better term, looked like death. Unnaturally still. Barely breathing. Unblinking. Hell, even his skin was much paler than normal, even given his previous ailments. Occasionally he would cock his head as if he was listening to someone behind him then shudder.

“Fine,” Armin mumbled. “If it goes on for longer, we’ll dip.”

“How could I not have believed?” Jean stared at Marco’s decaying face as the wind whooshed by them.

In another part of Trost, Sasha was over with another cleanup squad.

“Oh God, no,” a soldier rasped at the sight of the giant ball of grossness.

“Disgusting,” Levi scrunched his nose and frowned. He set aside his tea and propped himself into a comfy side lean, covertly wrapping his arms slightly around the top of his knees.

The action was not unnoticed by Hange and Erwin.

“What is it?” a second asked.

“Titan vomit,” the first clarified. “They don’t have digestive organs so when they’re full, they throw up and keep eating.”

“Oh god,” the second then proceeded to gag and upchuck.

Yup. Nope. Walls, why did they feel the need to show him that? Levi uncomfortably bit his lips and averted his eyes. Thankfully, another began to talk over...that.

Sasha spoke up. “So guys, this might not be a great time to ask, but is this something we can eat?”

“Jesus Christ Sasha!” the first cried.

Connie raised an eyebrow and sucked in his lips. “Sasha,” his voice was nearing falsetto, “what the fuck?”

“God, I’m with you on this one,” Sasha’s tone was flat, her eyes in half-lidded disappointment as she set aside her plates for the moment.

“What? I’m hungry!” she said as if it was the right time and place to say that.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

The scene went dark before revealing Eren’s face. Then it zoomed out, showing him in chains on a bed.

“Kinky.”

“Eren!”

“Captain.”

“...Hange, a little help here?”

“Titan experiments!”

“Uhhhhhhhh...no?”

“Great! I’ll start making a list.”

“No wait! Captain!”

“You’ve already dug your grave, Eren,” Levi gave a smug look.

“Where am I?” he asked as his vision cleared the sleep away. 

Erwin and Levi stared at the boy through the cell bars.

“Who are,” then he stopped himself, “wait! You’re..Commander Erwin! (he was seated and staring at Eren) And you’re- you’re Captain Levi! (he leaned up against the wall with a leg propped up on the wall, eyes averted.) Oh my god! You guys are my heroes!”

Connie snorted. “Cringe.”

“And you aren’t?” Eren raised an eyebrow.

“At least I admit it.”

“Well, would you look at that, Erwin? We’re his heroes,” Levi deadpanned. 

“Seriously, I’m like your biggest fan!” Eren continued fanboying.

Eren buried his face in his palms and groaned.

“He probably has posters of us in his roo-”

“I do!” Eren cut the captain off immediately. 

“Oof, that’s embarrassing,” Jean cringed.

“That’s part of Eren’s personality at this point,” Armin shrugged. “I mean, that’s our reaction to half of what he does after we get over the whole ‘we’re fucked’ mood.”

“Like when he was kidnapped,” said Mikasa.

“Or when he punched himself in the face and knocked himself out,” Historia smirked.

“Training,” Sasha said. No clarification was needed.

“Existence,” Eren said through his misery.

“...well that got dark,” said Hange.

Eren took a loud, long sip from his mug.

“Whatcha got there?” Erwin asked casually.

“Less depresso more espresso,” answered Eren.

Armin choked into a laugh, “Eren, no!”

“Teenage boys usually have posters of girls in their room,” Levi said to Erwin. “He has us.”

‘Oh god, I know where this is going,’ Hange mentally whistled and plopped another finished sweater onto the pile.

“That means nothing!” Erwin replied.

“Imagine him just jacking it every night to your face.”

“Captain!” Historia put a hand over her heart, scandalized.

Levi bowed his head and sighed.

“Levi, stop,” Erwin warned.

“Just GOING IN, just THROTTLING that rooster, shooting LOADS all over those bushy eyebrows of yours.”

“Goodness, Levi,” said Erwin. “This version of you sure is...something.”

“What?” Eren asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

“And just look at Eren,” the deceased commander continued. “He’s so innocently confused.”

“Walls take me,” Levi mumbled under his breath before speaking up, “I told you the other ‘me’ was an asshole.”

“I never doubted your word.”

“I don’t know whether I should be offended by that or not, but thanks?”

“You’re welcome.”

“...Is anyone else REALLY uncomfortable now?” asked Sasha. “Like, it got real weird just now.”

“Let’s just go back to watching Eren embarrass himself,” Armin suggested.

Levi ignored the boy. “Are you picturing it, Erwin?”

“Levi!” Erwin tried again.

“Are you picturing it, Erwin? Cause I’ve got a pretty VIVID IMAGE in my head!” Levi all but shouted.

“This is a thing now I guess,” Historia said.

“Mood: yikes,” Connie agreed.

“I actually had a dream once that ‘big yeet’ meant something like: mood and I hate it,” Sasha randomly brought up.

“Big yeet,” Levi huffed.

“Is he usually like this?” Eren asked the commander.

“He’s been drinking,” Erwin sighed.

“Oh shit! Mr. I-only-drink-tea is indulging?” Hange gaped.

“Shut your mouth. You’ll catch flies,” Levi droned.

“Seriously, look at his face right now,” Levi continued. “He looks like Helen Keller the first time she touched water.”

“Helen Keller?” Hange then found a note on their lap. She went blind and deaf from illness when she was just a baby. For years she never truly realized what was going on around her or could identify things. This is referencing when her teacher tried to associate water with the ASL letter spelling.  When she finally realized that what her teacher was doing was associated with the liquid itself.

“Well damn, Levi,” Erwin said after reading over Hange’s shoulder.

“What?” asked Levi. He then read the note. “...shit.”

“We’re not even here, we’re just a hallucination,” said Mikasa. Nobody tells them shit.

“ Levi! ” Erwin was practically talking to himself.

“His tears probably taste like poetry,” Levi paid his superior no attention.

“I mean...”

“Hange? Did you seriously..?”

“It was for science, Eren!”

“...I don’t know why I was surprised to be honest.”

Erwin turned to look at his captain. “I order you to stop-”

“Oh look,” Levi mocked, “my name’s baby dick and I can turn into a titan. Let’s all forget about the Duke of Destruction over here and worship Justin Bieber.”

“Happy now? That’s what I’m the Duke of,” said Levi to Hange. 

“It’s pretty fitting,” Erwin nodded.

“Who’s Justin Bieber?” Eren asked, still not sure what the hell was going on.

“Yeah, who’s Justin Bieber?” asked Eren.

A picture dropped down.

“...that’s a fashion disaster. That’s not even a choice. One would have to be tortured to find that attractive,” Eren scrunched his nose.

“How old is he in this image?” asked Armin.

“It says on the back he’s in his 20s.”

“...he looks like he’s 12.”

“PFFT!” Sasha wheezed. “I totally see it!”

“A pop singer,” Erwin said flatly, his tone growing more annoyed.

“A FUCKING ASSHOLE,” said Levi without missing a beat.

“He does seem like one to be fair,” Connie shrugged.

“By the Walls! Levi! Compose yourself!”

“No, Erwin, because unlike Puss-In-Boots over here, I actually kick ass just fine on my own.”

“Dear god,” Levi exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Levi chuckled. “Get it? I just made a Shrek joke.”

“You make a lot of references!” Eren said. Good ol’ Captain fucking obvious, here.

“No dip, Sherlock,” Armin deadpanned.

“I am like the KING of references!” Then he raised his voice to a falsetto, “Shrek is love~”

“You know, this is not how I imagined meeting my heroes,” said Eren.

“Never meet your heroes, Eren. That’s, like, the first rule in life!” Connie then face palmed and shook his head.

“I thought the first rule was ‘on Wednesdays we wear pink’,” said Sasha.

“Damn it, Sasha, let me have this!”

“Who cares, baby dick!”

“Ah...” Eren looked at Levi.

Who then looked at Eren.

It was very awkward...or was it~ (No, it was definitely awkward. Come on. Levi oozes awkward.)

“I apologize,” Erwin said to Eren before turning to Levi, “will you please stop talking, Levi?!”

“I wish, but we don’t have access to that world,” Levi shrugged, fighting off a blush.

“Rip to the captain,” Historia said in sympathy.

“The only normal one in the room seems to be Commander Erwin so far,” said Armin, “there was the one derogatory comment about children in the first part, but other than that-”

“Hold on a second, I said what about children?” Erwin frowned.

“You just kinda said, ‘ugh, children’ like they were some sort of disease, I dunno,” Eren said nonchalantly.

“Let’s be honest though,” Connie began, “children are-” his eyes met Historia’s. His pitch rose dramatically. “...little angels that represent the miracle of life!”

“Horrible save, Connie.”

“Like you could do better, Potato Girl.”

“I eat a potato ONE TIME and it’s like THAT suddenly becomes my defining quality! Not my natural fitness or instinct! Just a stupid incedent that happened in training.” Sasha huffed then crossed her arms.

Connie blinked then shut his mouth and faced forward.

“Sure, whatever, do your thing,” he rolled his eyes. “It’ll just give me more time to think up one-liners.”

“Oh,” said Levi.

“Oh no,” Hange continued.

“Thank God!” Erwin turned back to the cell. “All right, Eren. You’ve been imprisoned for the time being until the Military decides what to do with you. Some fear you, but we know the truth. You’re no titan. You’re a savior. Look closely, Eren.” Erwin raised his arm, revealing Eren’s basement key. “We took this off your comatose body.”

Eren snorted and smirked, “okay, I know where this is headed.”

“I take back what I said about you being mostly normal,” Armin frowned with a slight pout. “No offence.”

“None taken,” Erwin said slowly, staring mindlessly at his doppelganger.

Eren flinched in shock, his jaw dropping.

“Can you tell me what this is?”

“...a KEY,” answered Eren.

“You are seriously giving me Reiner vibes, Eren.”

“Ew, you’re right, Jean, I do have Reiner vibes...”

The scene zoomed in on Erwin’s face. “NO! A DESTINY! According to your comrades, this key holds the secret to defeating the titans.”

“Amongst other things, uh, yes,” Eren agreed.

“Ah yes, the whole thing with Hannes,” Mikasa deadpanned.

“No, Mikasa. You don’t understand,” Eren glared. “My mother was pure.”

“Ain’t no lie there,” Armin said under his breath.

“I’m a little worried for that world in the future. Since everything has been happening the same way as our world more or less, what are you going to do when he dies?” asked Hange, tone devoid of anything but seriousness

There was a beat.

“Just something to think about,” they said before returning to their knitting.

“If that is the case, then I want to make you an offer.” Erwin then explained as an image of titan-Eren plugging up the wall, “you have already proven yourself a valuable asset in the fight against the titans.” The scene changed to a simulated map of the walls as Erwin continued. “Ever since the attack on Wall Maria and the loss of the outer ring, we have been on the defensive.”  The scene went back to the dungeon. “I want to use YOU to turn our situation around.”

“I’m not sure how to feel about the whole objectification thing that’s happening here,” said Eren.

“Isn’t he technically still property of the Survey Corps?” Jean turned to Hange.

“Legally, yes but-” Hange was cut off.

“Does the law still apply to him if that’s the case? Those documents were written for people, right? So if Eren is considered an object, that’s like his loophole for basically anything.”

“...”

“Eren,” Mikasa warned.

“...”

“Eren?” Armin touched his shoulder.

Eren flinched away then composed himself. “What? What’s up?”

“Huh,” Armin eyed him for a little before turning back to Jean. “Yeah, but we are still responsible for him, so that means whatever he does, we will be punished as an entire branch of the military.”

Jean gaped for a moment then deflated a little. “Right...”

“I want to use you so that we may TAKE BACK the world that was stolen from us. I want YOU Eren to join us, in the Survey Corps.”

Eren shut his mouth and looked down. He remembered the day his father left for the interior.

“I guess it’s Eren’s turn for some acid flashbacks,” Connie said.

‘Everything that goes on in my head is an acid flashback,’ Eren scoffed internally.

“Here’s the key to the basement,” Grisha pulled the key out from under his shirt and showed it off.

Carla pinched Eren’s cheeks, “sticks! My favorite!”

The colossal titan was then on the screen. “STACK ON DECK! N****! I BEEN ON MY BOSS SHIT!”

Dina’s titan grabbed Carla and said, “A POTATO CHIP!”

The scene glitched before going to the forest. Grisha yelled “tetanus” as he went to inject Eren, tears streaming down the doctor’s eyes.

Carla kicked and punched at Dina’s titan hands as she was brought up to the mouth.

In the background, Eren said, “I will kill all titans!”

“Bah-dup bah bah bah~ (various flashes of Carla) I’m lovin’ it!”

“Hey, it’s the McDonald’s theme,” a voice said from behind everyone.

I couldn’t be...Could it? Jean turned around, his gaze meeting a certain freckled boy’s.

“Marco?” Sasha stole the word right out of Jean’s mouth.

“Is this a bad time?” Marco fiddled with the cuff of his flannel sheepishly and tapped the toe of his Chucks on the ground.

Jean snapped out of it, “no! Not at all! Come sit.” He patted the space between him and Connie, who had moved over toward Sasha. He mentally thanked Carla for supplying such wide furniture. Marco bit his lip then shuffled around and sat beside Jean.

“I see Mrs. Jäger has you all watching ‘A Slap on Titan’,” said Marco as he bounced his leg. “It’s much less embarrassing for me than ‘Abridge on Titan’.”

“Abridge on Titan?” asked Sasha.

“A Slap on Titan?” Connie asked in a similar tone.

“Oops. I was probably not supposed to mention that… Anyhow, I actually have to get going. I know you all have been struggling these past few years so I’ll leave you all to relax and watch this,” Marco gave a sad smile and left out the hallway.

“...”

Everyone resumed watching.

“NO! MOM!” Eren screamed as the scene shifted back to the dungeon to a grim close-up of Eren’s right eye. Slowly, he raised his body to face the captain and commander. “I accept your offer, Commander.” Eren smiled crazily with a little too many teeth.

“Dear god, Eren,” Sasha shivered. “You really need to ease up on the meth.”

Eren blinked. “Nope.” 

“I’ll join the Survey Corps. I’ll kill all the titans, and the entire world will know me as Eren Jäger: Savior of Humanity.”

Eren snorted.

Armin furrowed his eyebrows but said nothing.

“Wait,” Levi butted in, “his last name is Jäger?”

“Yes...” Erwin confirmed.

“This. Changes. EVERYTHING,” the light swirled in Levi’s irises.

“Carla Jäger,” Jean groaned.

“What?” Connie asked, then it struck him. “Oooohhh. That’s a thing.”

“Does that mean him...and your mom...” Sasha asked Eren, who just sighed and shook his head.

“God, I hope not,” Levi said under his breath. 

The scene shifted back to Erwin as Levi said in the background, “Jäger booomb! Haha!” Levi walked over to the bars, “I can’t believe that is your name! Hahahaha!” He took a deep breath, “oh my god, kid, you are so fucked.”

“How forward of you, Captain,” Eren stared at him with faux innocence.

“I-er. No?” It was more of a question than a statement. Levi busied himself with making another pot of tea.

“Let me,” Eren brushed a stray piece of hair behind his ear and fluidly began measuring out various herbs and spices into the pot of hot water. He put in a splash of honey and waited another minute for the leaves to steep. Holding the lid, he poured the tea, raising the pot with precision then setting it back on the coffee table. Eren stirred the contents to dissolve the honey then finally, he poured a splash of milk and stirred again until the tea was a tannish color. 

Levi accepted the cup silently and took a sip. Good as always. Looking up, Eren was still there.

“...”

“Do you need something?”

Eren softened. “I’m glad you like it.” Then he returned to his seat. 

“...”

“Moving on!” Hange shouted.

“What? Uh-what does he um-” Levi cut Eren’s stuttering off.

“All right, Erwin, I’m cool with him,” the captain peered through the bars.” Kid, for the time being, just think of me like your older brother. You know, *except for that if you turn into a titan, I’ll kill you.* But don’t-don’t worry about that.”

“Oh; I’m kinda worried alread-”

“Shut up.”

Practically everyone wheezed into laughter...except for the usual Levi, Eren and Mikasa. Erwin was even caught off guard.

“All you need to know, is that your last name is FUCKING AWESOME and we are going to do SO MANY shots together. Haha, JÄGER BAAWMB!”

“Yeah, he’s drunk,” said Erwin.

“How do you know?” Historia asked slowly, a slime working its way to her lips.

“This was before I was commander, but there was this one time,” Erwin rubbed his chin in thought. “It only happened once anyway. We had all come back from an expedition and as expected, it went horribly. Then one of the squad leaders decided it would be a great idea to hit the taverns and bars. It was past nightfall so those were the only open establishments open anyhow. Expectedly, most of us were plastered and someone had actually gotten Levi to drink his weight in beer. He was so rambunctious and excitable! The few of us that were sober questioned whether or not that was actually the case. What a day that was,” Erwin sighed.

“Let’s put it this way,” Levi glared at the rest of them. “There’s a reason why the first thing Hange did was ban parties with alcohol involved.”

“Why are you both telling us all of this?” asked Connie.

“Because nobody will ever believe you,” Hange smirked behind their knitting.

Sasha’s eyes were wide. “You sick monsters!”

“FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE. (scene zoomed in on Eren’s worried face) Buckle up, Buttercup, ‘cause once you’re in, we are going to fucking PARTY.”

The ending theme played

Jean pinched the bridge of his nose. “How can you go from murderous psycho to innocent like that? You make me so dizzy with all the 100 to 0 shit you pull.”

Eren shrugged. “No idea what you mean.”

“And here too! How do you go from seductive to childish?! Those are literally on opposite sides of the spectrum!”

“I mean,” Armin began, “maybe it’s because I’ve known him since we were kids, but he’s relatively not that bad.”

“That’s because you’re the same way!” Jean tossed his arms up then pointed at Armin. “You go from analytical and calm to psycho mind-rape! Mikasa’s the only normal one when you think about it, but she’s traumatized and probably doesn’t register just how messed up this all is!”

“You done?” Mikasa drawled before staring into his eyes with a raised eyebrow.

“...You know what? Let’s just get to the next one, shall we!” Jean sat up and faced forward.

“Here we go then,” said Hange. But was it done?

As a titan brought a soldier to its mouth it said, “ohh, these ribs is great! This is like a pre-game, mmm!”

“Gah! What the fuck!” Historia shouted.

Notes:

Episodes Written for: 13 out of 19 and I've gotten about halfway on 14.

I'm finally moving back into the dorm this week so the next couple of chapters might be a little later as I get my bearings. I'll try to stick to every other week but again, updates might be a little more irregular in terms of weekday.

Marco will possibly be back...

If you like this and want more progress updates or even wish to go above and beyond (though you certainly don't have to), consider getting me a coffee here.

Chapter 15: Episode 14: The People vs. Eren Jäger

Summary:

In Erwin starts to feel embarrassment, Hange is Oprah and rip Eren lol.

Connie is still horny too.

“You know what? Whatever, let’s just do this,” Historia said as she got her breathing back to normal.

The opening theme played.

There was a gong beat as the scene faded in. Eren looked up at the ceiling, eyes half-lidded. Then he looked to the side to his cuffed wrist and thought, ‘I’ve been here for days...I wonder what’s going on out there…’

“Oh! Well, this is happening,” Connie’s face turned a little pink.

“Yes, we all know I’m hot,” Eren rolled his eyes. “Move along now.”

‘I wonder if people even know I exist,’ the shifter continued as he looked back up.

Somewhere in wall Sina...

“Apparently a common boy has transformed into a titan!”

“I guess they do,” Jean shrugged.

“They do? They do what?” asked Connie.

“What Eren said before. They know he exists.”

“Oh. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.”

“That is ENTIRELY the cat’s meow.”

“What is wrong with them? Why are they speaking like that ?” Sasha grimaced with a frown.

“It’s Sina. What did you expect?” Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Indubitably! The mud-dwellers in Wall Rose are calling him a ‘savior’.”

“Hah, Plebes!”

“That’s just the bee’s knees!”

“Holy shit! Sirius Black’s on the loose...”

“Who?” asked Hange.

“It’s a reference to the Harry Potter book series. The books were good, though their creator, less great,” said Erwin. “However, I’d rather not get all into those politics.”

“But now I’m intrigued!” they whined, but they knew the deceased commander wouldn’t tell them shit.

The scene shifted to a bird’s eye view of the walled territory before zooming in on wall Rose.

“One of our own has taken back Trost!” 

Citizens started to cheer.

“Victory for the working class!”

“At least some of them are happy you’re working with us, Eren.”

“I guess, Armin.”

“It could be worse. At least there even ARE people who have faith in you, brat.”

Hange turned and faced the captain, “well now you’re just being a buzzkill.”

“Good,” he replied, unphased.

“I’d be a lot more impressed if he can transform into a piece of bread.”

“What is it with you people and eating me?” Eren looked up at the ceiling and sighed then dropped his chin and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Who else has thought about eating me? Show of hands.”

No one moved.

“Are you sure about that, Mikasa?” Armin raised an eyebrow when he saw her stiff form. Maybe not literally but he knew she'd probably be up for something else~

Mikasa glared back with cutely puffed cheeks. 

“Eren is a savior!”

“Can we crucify him for our sins or do we have to wait till after supper?”

Connie snorted.

“They really are taking that whole savior thing literally, aren’t they?” Jean agreed.

The scene shifted to an overhead view of the newly saved Trost.

“There you are, Pixis,” said Erwin as he approached the garrison commander. “You have no idea how long I’ve been searching for you.”

“Has anyone found the stairs down from this wall?” the drunken man whimpered slightly, his cheeks flushed. “I’ve been lost for days.”

“Yeeaaahhh. That sounds about right...” Jean gave a tight lipped look of disappointment.

“What have you been doing this entire time?” asked Erwin.

“Drinking. What else?”

“By the walls...” Erwin mentally shook his head.

“Sounds ‘bout right,” said Sasha. “Alcohol can mess you up real good.” Speaking from personal experience in her case.

“Why is it so bright out here? Dear God...my eyes...What were you here for again?”

“I originally came to ask you for advice.”

“Oh you’ll get advice,” Eren rolled his eyes. “Not.”

“Totally agree,” Jean said flatly, remembering just how well Pixis’ last moment ended.

Pixis turned to face the other commander, “what about?”

“The Military Police want to dispose of Eren. A tribunal has been set to decide which of us gets to take him.” Erwin took a deep breath as the scene panned over the MPs saluting the Generalissimo. “Supreme commander Darius Zackley will be the judge.”

“Zackley?”

“Exactly.”

“Egg?” asked Sasha.

“Zackley,” Jean corrected.

“Exactly?” Connie replied, not sure what in the hell was going on.

“...no.” Jean face-palmed.

“...He’s a weird one, that Zackley...”

“So I hear.” Erwin steered them back on topic. “What do you think he’ll do?”

Pixis reached for his flask from his jacket. “If he deems Eren to be a threat, he’ll have him executed. So long story short, you’re probably screwed.”

“Gee thanks for the vote of confidence,” Eren droned.

“Are you still counting, Mikasa,” Sasha whispered to the girl next to her.

“Duh,” Mikasa replied.

“What is he at now?”

“57.”

“Oh damn.”

“...want a drink?” Pixis offered.

“No,” Erwn replied simply.

“I’ll try to help as much as I can...However I cannot promise to be sober.”

“Why?” said Levi. “Why are you like this?”

“It’s the military. What did you expect?” Erwin scoffed bitterly. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t also guilty.

“Okay, but what would be worse: drunk Pixis or hungover Pixis?” asked Hange.

“...why is that what you care about?” Levi asked in disbelief.

“Hey, I think it’s a valid question,” said Armin.

“WHY?” Levi reiterated.

“If I had to choose: drunk Pixis. He DID save me from Kitz, and he’s been pretty chill all things considered,” Eren shrugged.

“And also what if hungover Pixis is a dick? Just saying,” Jean threw an idea out there.

“Very true,” Hange nodded. “Are we all in agreement that drunk is better?”

“But what if we can’t get drunk?” Armin raised his hand.

“...”

“...”

Then both Armin and Hange spoke. “Drunk is better.”

“Pixis,” Erwin said flatly, “I think you have a drinking problem.”

Pixis threw his head back and laughed obnoxiously before walking away. “That’s rich!” He was practically shouting his laughter as he waved goodbye.

The scene shifted back to the dungeons. 

“Oh finally. That’s over,” said Levi.

“Excuse me,” Eren broke the silence, “could I get a glass of water?”

“Fuck you!” the guard to his left responded.

“I’m really dehydrated,” Eren insisted.

“HEY!” the guard to his right shouted, “no water for titans.”

“Yeah, that basically happened,” Eren answered the stares he was getting.

Eren gritted his teeth. ‘Everyone is so scared of me...’ he looked down at his cuffed wrists. ‘I wonder if things will ever get better...’

“I’m not sure this is what you meant by ‘better’,” Armin swirled his finger in the air..

Eren grunted.

The scene shifted to when he woke up by the inner gate, Armin supporting his limp body and Mikasa protecting them. ‘Armin... Mikasa...will I ever see them again? Commander Erwin said that I’d be fine, but the way people have been acting…’ the scene shifted back to the cell, ‘I don’t know if I’ll escape this alive.’

In a memory from probably the previous day…

“Don’t worry, Eren,” said Erwin. “We’re getting the best defense lawyer we can find.”

Eren looked back down at his feet and frowned. ‘I wonder who that could be?’

There was a distant sound of a door shutting and footsteps. 

Eren looked up.

.

.

.

Then there was a sound of impact as Hange gripped onto the bars of the cell after launching themself at him.

“God damn it Hange!” Historia yelled. “Jump scares are bad for the baby!”

“I’m in danger,” Eren gave a blank smile, completely ignoring the queen.

The middle couch was trying not to lose their shit. Erwin laughed nervously while blocking Levi’s death glare to Hange, but they just laughed uncontrollably as Armin and Mikasa just sighed.

Eren flinched back, his eyes wide in fear.

Hange stared back in wonder before smiling reassuringly. “Hello, Eren-titan! I-I mean Eren...”

Eren just gaped.

Eren squinted, “do you though?”

Hange continued. “Wonderful to meet you, my name is Hange, and here’s Mike, and I’ll be your legal advisor for the trial today!” Mike walked over into view.

“First of all, it’s pronounced ‘Me-kay’ right? (right couch nodded)  And second, rip to Eren. He looks so scared,” Armin snorted.

“Well, thanks...I uh..” Eren stuttered. 

Hange put their hand through the bars, “put these handcuffs on. We have got NO time to lose!”

Fast forward about twenty minutes and Eren was cuffed and ready to leave. He, Hange and Mike all walked up out of the dungeon to the courthouse just above the cell, two MPs following behind them.

“Now, normally I do science for the Survey Corps.”

“That’s not even anatomically possible,” Jean repeated what that version of him said. It seemed appropriate.

“Would you like to bet?” asked Hange. Levi groaned.

“20 bucks for whatever Hange said,” Connie stated.

“Do you even understand what’s going on?” asked Jean.

“Nope, but I trust the commander.”

“..okay, fine. That’s fair. Anyone else?”

“50 on Jean’s thing. Just cuz,” said Eren.

“Ignoring how wrong that sounds, sure,” Jean mentally made a note.

“Well you are about to lose, Eren, because Hange totally did it. I wanted to bleach my soul but Erwin said no,” Levi groaned.

“Wait, I thought this was about performing experiments?” Sasha said slowly.

Jean blinked. “Seriously? (Sasha nodded.) No, we were talking about sex.”

“Huh,” Connie grunted, “that makes a lot more sense.”

“It’s like I’m not even here,” Historia shook her head.

“...but I’m the closest thing to an expert they had, so they called me in for this,” Hange explained as Mike sniffed Eren’s neck.

“But fear not, I was up all night marathoning Judge Judy and Night Court, so I’ve got a pretty good idea of what to expect.” Hange then noticed Eren’s unease around Mike. “Oh, I see you’ve met Mike. Don’t worry about him,” they reassured, “he’s our pet dog.”

“He’s not a dog,” Erwin said incredulously.

“He’s not a dog..?” Eren trailed off as Mike smiled.

“Don’t be silly! Of course he is,” Hange waved him off.

“I mean...” Levi shrugged. 

“No, Levi,” Hange shook their head, “he’s better than a dog!”

“I agree-” but Erwin was cut off.

“He can talk!”

Erwin took a deep breath and sighed.

“Ok, now we’ve got two minutes to walk you to the defense, so listen up! FIrst thing you’re gonna do is throw around a lot of latin legal terms like Ex Parte and Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc in hope that it confuses the prosecution.”

“Eren?” 

“For the last time, Connie, I am not your personal encyclopedia!”

“Then why did you explain stuff all those other times?”

“Uuuuggghhh fine, but I’m giving slightly out of context examples this time. The first can be a restraining order and the second is like singing about rain and then it rains, but then you say that you made it rain and this is a really long and unnecessary example that I probably could have just summarized by saying fallacy.”

“Wait, can you repeat that but slower?”

“No.” 

“Second, they want to know if you’re a human or not, so they’ll probably put you through the Turing test which should be really easy to pass...just don’t say anything ridiculous like, (in robot voice) ‘I am a robot. I must kill humans’.” They laughed forcefully for a few seconds then took a deep breath and returned to normal. “Just play it natural, and if anyone does anything you don’t like just scream ‘objection!’ and we’ll go from there.”

The sound of a man yelling ‘objection’ on beat with a synth hit was heard throughout the room. 

“I guess like that?” Jean said.

“Aight but this music afterward has a good vibe,” Connie bobbed his head and grooved along to Phoenix Wright's theme.

“Yo this is pretty good!” Sasha turned to Connie and got in the groove.

“Right?”

Then they arrived at the doors.

“Oops, look at how the time passed,” said Hange. “We’re already here!” The guards stepped forward to lead Eren while Hange continued. “Alright, Eren...in you go and don’t forget the plan, otherwise they’ll kill you!” they finished off in a sing-songy voice.

“Heh, bet. They won’t,” said Eren.

“Not gonna lie it’d be kinda funny if they did,” Connie felt instant regret.

Mikasa blinked. “Where would you like your eyes to go after I gouge them from your skull?”

“Eek!” Connie pulled Jean over like a meat shield. “Help!”

“Fuck off, Connie!” Jean rolled himself on to the floor and ran behind the couch as Connie ran after him.

“Jean, wait for me!”

“No!”

Mikasa turned to Sasha. “This is exactly my point. No respect.”

“Amen, girl.” Sasha nodded.

Eren gaped. “Wait, Hange! Aren’t you coming in with me?”

“Oh silly me! I forgot. I’m not allowed to come in with you...but don’t worry! I’ll be in the balcony above, watching in silence. Good luck!” They shut the doors and the screen went black.

“Damn, what a betrayal,” said Connie.

“As long as this goes the same as in our world he’ll be fine,” Levi waved him off.

The scene panned all over the courthouse, showing the various soldiers in attendance as well as the wall cult.

‘Oh I’m screwed!’ Eren moaned internally before a rifle was shoved at his back.

“Move your ass!” said the guard.

“Okay, now take that out of context.”

“Eren, stop.”

“Eren yes, Armin.”

“And stop talking about yourself in the third person!”

“Eren will never!”

The scene changed to an image of the courthouse captioned: Justice in the Empire; The nicer the courtroom, the more likely you have majorly fucked up.; This is where they send people who parody anime shows.

“What constitutes a nice courtroom though?” asked Sasha.

“Let’s just say he’s lucky to even be in a courtroom,” Levi shrugged knowingly.

“Welp, I’m uncomfortable now,” said Eren. 

“Let’s continue,” Armin suggested to which Eren nodded.

The scene changed to an image of the justice scales captioned: The Code of Law; The scales of justice can be swayed by the innocence of your bank account; “If a man strikes the eye of another man, he shall be fed to titans.”; “BAM GUILTY!” “BAM GUILTY!”; fuck yeah for gavels.

“Mood,” said Hange.

The scene returned to court.

Historia blinked a couple times before realization struck. “Hotdog titan!”

“Actually??” Jean wasn't expecting the queen to find it this time, but sure enough, it was there in the painting on the ceiling.

Eren glared at the guards as he was restrained by a stake that anchored him to the ground by his cuffs. He glanced to either side, his eyes shaking at the sheer amount of those here for HIS trial. Even his closest friends were here.

 Zackley exited from his chambers and walked over to his seat. “Alright, let’s get this shit over with.” He laid his coat on the table and rolled up his sleeves. “May the defendant state his name for the official record?”

“My name is Eren. Eren Jäger.”

Everyone began gossiping to one another.

“Serious?”

Most of them were at the edge of their seat. Whatever could the crowd all be so secretive about...

“Jäger?” Nile’s face froze in shock.

“It can’t be!”

“Is..is there a problem?” Eren looked around in confusion.

“Say it again, Kid...” requested Nile as he reached an arm toward Eren, “your name.”

“Eren. Jäger.”

“Could he be related to Carla Jäger?” a man pointed at him. “THE Carla Jäger?!”

Jean sighed. “I should have seen this coming. They really don’t wanna leave that plot point alone.”

“I resigned myself to acceptance a long time ago, dude.”

“Connie, we’ve only been here for a day.”

“But all we’ve been doing is watching another world. I never knew how exhausting it could be to just sit and do nothing.”

“That’s because you’re lazy.”

“Your face is lazy.”

Jean squinted. “That literally makes zero sense.”

“Your face makes no sense.”

Jean took a deep breath then turned back to the screen.

“That’s my mom,” Eren confirmed. “How do you know her name?”

The crowd broke into conversation again but with growing laughter.

“Kid, there isn’t a man above the age of thirty that doesn’t know that name,” Nile tried to put it delicately.

“Holy shit. Wait what?! I knew she, and excuse me Eren (he waved him off), was a whore but that’s just impressive,” Jean reluctantly acknowledged.

“She was also the only normal one among your family members,” said Hange as they started knitting the sleeves on the current sweater.

“What?” Eren asked but he sadly knew where this was going.

“You seriously don’t know?” asked the MP commander.

“Oh I know,” Eren practically groaned.

“He doesn’t know?”

“No one ever told him?”

Oh he knew. He just didn’t want to admit it. “No,” he rasped.

Well...screw being delicate then. “Kid, your mom was, like, the Cleopatra of Cock Wrangling back in the day,” Nile said.

“...You know what? That’s actually kinda catchy,” said Eren. “Imma just roll with it, I mean, it’s been said so many times today and it’s just not worth the effort to be mad at it anymore.”

“No!” Eren shouted.

“That woman REDEFINED what it meant to be a whore,” Nile continued.

“She’s revolutionizing the business?” Armin said, pitch rising. “Is that offensive?”

“Armin, I literally just said I do not care. You’re fine,” Eren reassured the blond. It was valid subtext though.

“No!” Eren repeated.

“STDs were like pokemon for her...she had to catch them all!” said the man next to pastor Nick.

“She went through entire villages in a day, kid!”

“Sex with your mom made me want to become a better man!”

Eren’s face began to get pink but no one found it in themselves to comment on such a personal-seeming matter.

Eren shut his eyes. “This is not happening. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.” Then Eren was startled.

“Wait...wait!” The scene shifted to pastor Nick. “Wait one motherfucking second.” he raised his finger at Eren. “That boy Carla Jäger’s baby?”

Hange put down the needles. “Even Pastor Nick is in on this?? Huh.” Then they went back to knitting.

“Yes!” confirmed another man from the crowd matter-of-factly.

“Oh my GOD! That was the FINEST hoe this empire ever seen!” Nick paused before explaining, “back in my pimping days, before I found the walls, we all wanted to get a piece of that Carla!”

“ESPECIALLY Pastor Nick,” said Armin.

Eren stared at the pastor, horror written all over his face.

“I feel so bad for you though,” said Connie. “I mean, she is your mom.”

“God just take me already,” Eren groaned.

“She could suck a dick like it was SCRIPTURE!” Nick continued. 

“It was beautiful,” Zackley agreed.

“Ew, you watched? And both parties were okay with that??” Sasha scrunched her nose.

“That or he watched her while she went down on him,” Levi replied helpfully.

“...still kinda gross.” 

“I remember the day we all heard she was getting married to that doctor boy. Gribba or some shit! We were sorry for years!!!”

“Petition to call my father ‘Gribba’ for the rest of this. All in favor?”

And yeah, who was gonna pass up that opportunity? Of course they all agreed.

Eren’s gaze hardened. “Enough!”

Nick ignored him. “It was a choice with HOE regrets!”

“Like mother like son I suppose,” Connie muttered.

“Say that to my face,” Eren put his hands on his hips.

Connie whipped his head around. “What?” 

“You heard me. I dare you- I double dog dare you- I triple dog dare you.”

“Uuuuhhhhhhh.”

“I’m waiting!”

“You and your mother are wonderful and pure individuals!” Connie rushed to say before he was killed by Mikasa, who was glaring at him throughout the entire exchange, but he only really noticed when Eren decided to make a big deal out of things. 

Good times.

“Objection!” Eren shouted.

“Praise the Walls!” Nick countered.

The crowd cheered ‘PRAISE THE WALLS’.

Well, when in Rome.

“Praise the Walls!” Everyone cheered along.

“Objection! Objection! Relevance, objection!” Eren pleaded.

Zackley pounded on the desk. “Alright. Shut the fuck up, all of you.” He readjusted his glasses. “Back to business. Eren Jäger, apparently you stepped on several people during the Trost campaign.”

“Did you actually?” asked Connie.

“I mean, I didn’t see anyone get crushed but I was kinda more focused on the whole ‘not getting crushed by the big boulder’ thing.”

“Fair.”

“I don’t recall anyone in the report,” Erwin shrugged.

“Good enough for me,” Eren faced forward.

“Also can turn into a titan or some shit...blah blah blah...where’s the important stuff..?” 

Jean frowned, “Isn’t that, like, the most important part of all this?”

“Eh, semantics,” Hange waved him off. 

“Oh yeah. We brought you here to decide your fate. Presenting for the prosecution is Nile Dok, Commander of the Military Police. For the defence, Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps. This court will now hear your opening statements.”

Erwin raised his hand. “I have a question.”

“Oh my god, Erwin! Put your fucking hand down, this isn’t kindergarten.” said Zackley.

“Will there be refreshments?”

“...no.”

“..Acceptable.”

“Well that was an exchange,” Erwin said, not really sure of how to respond to that.

“Truly,”  Levi agreed.

“Mood though,” Sasha shrugged.

“Really? I thought you of all people would be at least slightly offended,” said Jean.

“Oh I am,” she confirmed. “It’s still a mood though.”

“...I guess I can vibe with that.”

Nile proceeded, unphased. “We of the military police believe that Eren poses a threat to the capital and existing social order. Furthermore, we still don’t know if he’s even human.”

“Technically all of us are titans,” said Eren.

“Not all of us,” Levi shook his head. Ackerman supremacy.

“Okay, fine. Most of us are,” Eren revised his statement.

“Most.”

“Could he be in league with the colossal and armored titans? Could he be a spy for them? Possibly. Probably. Definitely.” Nile then addressed the rest of the court, “The point is: we don’t know, so let’s shoot him.”

“That’s fair.”

“Eren, no.”

“You’re not the boss of me, Connie.” 

“No, but Mikasa is.”

“Oh shit-” Eren was cut off by the impact of Mikasa’s palm on his cheek.

Armin grabbed another handful of popcorn. “At least she didn’t throw you this time.”

Eren gaped at Nile.

“You’re gonna get wrinkles,” Mikasa frowned, pinching Eren’s cheek.

Eren sighed in defeat.

“Very well. And for the defense,” Zackley turned to Erwin.

“Eren Jäger represents a valuable opportunity for humanity,” Erwin began. “He’s already proven himself on the battlefield and helped us score our first victory in the war. Without Eren Jäger the Trost mission would have failed.”

“General Pixis, can you confirm this?” Zackley looked to the garrison commander.

Pixis stared the judge straight in the eyes, “I don’t remember a thing. I was drunk the entire time.”

“Very well,” Zackley replied.

“Wow, he isn’t even phased by that at all,” said Jean.

“It’s probably expected at this point,” Sasha shrugged.

Erwin then spoke up again. “We propose the Survey Corps gain custody of Eren and use him to take back Wall Maria. (Map appears behind Erwin) We intend to ride south from the Karanese District towards the breach. If we seal that hole accordingly, we can take back all the land that was stolen from us 5 years ago.”

“Eren Jäger, of these two plans, which do you prefer?” the judge addressed the defendant.

“Uh... I generally prefer to not get shot, so, Survey Corps,” Eren replied.

“Really? And after that whole spiel about you being an asset in the war for humanity that’s what you chose to emphasize?” 

“Your opinion is noted and ignored, Jean.”

“...Eren, why did you have to make it awkward?”

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t answer the question?”

“Yes.”

“Is that the only answer you’re capable of giving?”

“No.”

“...yeah, let’s just keep watching.”

“Yes.”

“...god damn it.”

“Noted. Now given the doubts raised by your behavior, how do you intend to explain yourself?”

“What do you mean?”

Zackley clarified, “reading the testimony of Rico Brzenska, she states that during the Trost campaign, you went, (he looks down at a piece of paper) and I quote, ‘flat out ape-shit. Attacking his sister and punching several buildings before knocking himself out like a little bitch.’ End quote.”

“Not wrong,” Connie shrugged.

“Kneecaps be gone?” Mikasa stretched her arms with her fingers laced out in front of herself.

Connie froze. “I’m wrong.” And in danger...

Eren whipped his head to look at Rico.

Mikasa gave Rico a side glare. “What the fuck, Rico?!”

“Oh, go screw your brother,” she retorted.

“Why would you phrase it like that?” Sasha gave a tight lipped look. 

“Is Eren’s sister present?” asked Zackley.

She spoke up. “Fake sister, and...yes sir.”

“Thank you Mikasa,” Sasha sunk back into her spot just in time for a sweater to whoosh past her face.

“Sorry!” Hange rubbed their neck sheepishly. “I meant to throw that at Mikasa.”

Sasha rolled her eyes with a smile and passed the garment to the girl next to her.

“Thanks Hange,” Mikasa nodded. She took off her cardigan and pulled the sweater over her head, the hood getting stuck on her head. Pulling the hood down, she readjusted her scarf.

“Are you finished with them all then?” asked Armin.

“Yes!” Hange then proceeded to throw sweaters every which way, some landing where they were intended and some...tea was sacrificed...on Levi's lap...but the cup was fine at least.

“Is it true what Rico said?”

“Out of context, yes. The truth is that Eren has trouble controlling his titan form.”

“Actually, the only thing anyone had trouble controlling was your ovaries,” said Nile, the scene quickly shifting over to him. 

Mikasa was as red as her scarf.

There was a series of gasps in the jury and general audience.

“Oh snap!”

Nile continued, “our investigation has revealed some surprising facts about Eren’s fake sister! Most notably that during the rescue of Trost, multiple cadets witnessed her expressing the desire to have SEX with Eren’s titan form!”

“I mean...” Hange trailed off.

“NO!” Eren cut them off.

Mikasa’s face became dark. “Oh for fuck’s sake!”

“We believe that Mikasa may be romantically linked with Eren Jäger and thus her testimony is inadmissible.”

“This is much less violent than the actual reason he narc-ed her for,” Everyone turned to Armin. “Originally it was because they were literal child-murderers.”

“Really?” Connie scrunched his nose.

“Oh yeah,” Erwin didn’t even sugar coat it. “Nile was very emphatic about the whole thing.”

There was various chatter around the court. Many people expressed disbelief.

“Very well,” Zackley replied. Then he addressed Mikasa, “I must ask you to tell the full truth now and for the record. Mikasa, are you in love with Eren Jäger?”

“Dude he went there,” Connie whispered to Jean.

“The sheer audacity that man has,” Mikasa shot a half-lidded glare at the screen. “And after my whole rant about microaggressions. Such disrespect.”

“...”

“Jean, stop drooling.”

He scrambled to grab a napkin and wipe his dry chin. 

Mikasa smirked. He fell for that every time.

Mikasa’s eyes widened, her jaw dropping. 

Cue: Dramatic gasp.

“I, uh...I...” she took a step back.

“Mikasa?” Eren looked at her pleadingly.

“I...”

Then there was the sound of obnoxious laughter that broke everyone away from Mikasa’s indecisiveness. “~Eren and Mikasa sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G~” When the scene finally shifted, Nick was the culprit.

“Now that’s just vulgar,” Erwin crossed his arms.

“We are literally soldiers in the military,” Levi deadpanned. “Vulgar may as well be our middle name.”

Eren lurched so hard his chains clacked and echoed around the room, “no! That’s not how it is!”

Sasha turned to Mikasa. “Is this rejection or friend-zoning?”

“Knowing my luck it’s both,” she muttered in response.

Nick resumed laughing. “Mikasa love you long time!!! Ah! Get it! It’s funny ‘cause you Asian, bitch!” He laughed as Mikasa grit her teeth and glared at him. “Chiggity chang chong in that chocolate factory!”

“Ah yes. I have the distinct urge to plunge him into a painful, fiery death.”

“Mikasa, no,” Hange shook their head and scolded.

Her lips twitched but she kept her poker face. 

Eren turned back to the judge. “Can we PLEASE get him out of the courtroom?!”

“I’m sorry, this is far too entertaining,” Zackley replied as Nick continued mumbling.

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” said Nick. “Eren! Eren! Eren! Does your sister need any money?”

“If anything WE do,” Levi turned and glared, “Eren .”

“It wasn’t completely my fault,” Eren’s braid swung to his other shoulder after he whipped around to defend himself.

“No!” Eren yelled.

“I bet she does! Mikasa need mon-ayy..”

“Alright, that’s it!” Eren yanked on his restraints again. “I’ve had it!” 

The crowd gasped at the slight display of anger in fear.

Connie snickered. “Remember when people used to do that every time they saw you?”

“Not gonna lie, it’s better than Marley,” said Eren.

“You never did tell us, Eren.” Hange said, urging him to continue.

“Dicks everywhere.”

Everyone looked at Eren.

Jean choked. “Wait what?” 

“The people. They were dicks,” Eren said normally. Nope, nothing being insinuated here.

“From the moment I’ve gained these powers I’ve done nothing but to try and help you people! I’ve saved my friends from death! I took back the city of Trost for you! And what have you done? You’ve thrown me in a dungeon, terrorized me, and, worst of all, insulted my mother and Mikasa, the two people I love and care about the most!” 

“EREMIKA CONFIRMED!?!” Armin screeched into Eren’s ear.

“Pay up Sasha,” Jean beckoned.

She groaned, “seriously? That was years ago!”

“Wait, hold up. You bet on us?” Eren said after regaining his ability to hear.

“She owes like all of us 50 bucks,” Levi said matter-of-factly.

“And this is why you never trust the old lady on Teller St. Who knows what the fuck she’s talking about,” shrugged Connie.

“She’s still kicking?” asked Erwin. “Huh.”

“Oddly enough, yeah,” Jean nodded.

“You mean like in Rose?” asked Levi.

“If you bothered to get out more, you would know,” Hange teased.

Levi grunted noncommittally.

“Where were we? Oh yeah.” Jean turned to Sasha. “Sasha, you still haven’t paid up.”

She whined. “I was hoping to avoid that.” She got out her wallet and dished out the money to everyone, except of course Eren and Mikasa who were both confused as fuck but that was normal at this point.

Mikasa gaped at the roundabout confession.

“What more can I do to prove that I’m human?”

“Bruh, he just confessed and then treats it like no big deal?” asked Connie. “What a betrayal.”

“My romance life is none of your business, Connie,” Eren glared.

“It is mine though,” Armin cut in. “What the fuck, Eren? Why didn’t you tell me? Whatever happened to tea time?”

“You forget the most important detail about tea time: it’s not just us. Captain Levi and Mikasa are also there.”

“Tea time?” asked Jean. “You all have tea parties without us?”

“God, you should have seen Eren when I told him I would be late last year,” Armin snorted.

“Why? What happened?” asked Sasha.

“You didn't hear him? After Armin told him, he literally shouted across the yard during training,” Connie shrugged.

Jean did a double take. “How the fuck do you know?”

“You all didn’t?”

“...By the Walls, is this what it feels like to be you?”

“More importantly, what did Eren say?” Hange asked, probably more invested in this story than they should be.

Connie snickered. “Okay, no joke. He said, and I quote, ‘but Armin! I made biscuits!’” He sighed. “Funniest shit I saw that day.”

“So this is why I received word of a disturbance during my monthly meeting with Hange...” Historia pouted her lip in thought.

“You weren’t supposed to know to be honest,” Armin finally fessed up. “We scheduled them specifically to fall in line with your meetings.”

“But why???”

“You would eat all the cookies,” Levi looked them dead in the eyes.

“...okay, yeah. That’s fair. I totally would,” they agreed.

“What more can I do to prove I’m on your side? If you’re too scared to fight, then shut the fuck up, (his chains clang against the pole and civilians look scared) and let me use my powers and join the Survey Corps!”

“I kinda forgot we were still watching a trial, not gonna lie. We get super sidetracked like, all the time,” said Connie.

There was a moment as the dust settled. Many of the soldiers gaped at Eren’s sudden outburst.

“He’s a titan! Kill him!” Nile quickly said to break the silence.

“Okay,” the soldier to Nile’s right lifted up his rifle and took aim.

Eren snorted. “Oof.”

“Mood,” Levi agreed.

“Same,” Armin said.

“Me,” Eren finished.

Eren’s eyes grew wide but then...

IMPACT “UGH!” Blood flew in the air. Levi’s body twisted as he followed through in his kick. A bloodied tooth fell and rolled onto the floor.

“What the fuck Captain?” Eren whimpered in pain, trembling slightly.

“What the fuck even is this trial? Did this actually happen? I feel like y’all are pulling my tail on this one,” said Connie. 

It dawned on Armin. “You weren’t there.”

“He wasn’t,” Eren had the same epiphany. 

“Wait, so this actually happened?” Connie asked again.

“I still remember the pain and blood on my face, so yeah. It did,” Eren said, a little salty.

“So this is what you guys meant by ‘the trial’...” said Jean.

“So...” said Levi as Eren looked up at him. “Jägerbomb wants to join the Survey Corps? (Hip-hop beat fades in) That’s nice, but you’re too much of a security risk to allow a graduation. However, we can still induct you the old-fashioned way...”

“Which is?” Eren asked.

“The same way you join any gang…” Levi gave him a dark look. “INITIATION.” Levi then proceeded to kick Eren in the gut. He grabbed the boy by his hair and shirt then kneed him square on the nose.

“Join the Survey Corps. We have tea!” said Hange as they mimed a rainbow.

“Yeah! Yeah!” Nick cheered. “Whoop his ass. Whoop. His. Ass! Gotta beat that bitch to take the bitch!”

Mikasa was shaking in murderous anger as she gaped at what was happening before her. She then shut her mouth and began to walk over but was stopped by a hand on her arm.

“No, the pain will help him grow,” Armin said helpfully.

“I forgot Armin was there,” Jean snorted.

Levi kneed Eren in the face again.

“Work him out!” cheered Rico. “Work him out!!!”

IMPACT

“Run his wallet!” Nick yelled.

IMPACT AND BLOOD FLYING

Even Zackley pitched in. “Cunt! (IMPACT ) Piece of shit! (IMPACT ) Honkey!”

“Bruh, even the judge is in on it,” said Historia. “Disappointed but not surprised.”

“Yeah, kick his ass!” another man from the crowd shouted.

IMPACT  

“Bite his balls!”

IMPACT

“Glory, Hallelujah! (IMPACT ) ” Nick rejoiced.

“Praise the Walls!” Connie thrusts his finst into the air.

“Praise the Walls!” everyone else followed along. 

“Cracker-bitch- (IMPACT ) motherfucker!” said Zackley.

Levi stomped on his head twice then swung and hit the side of his head.

“Frostback!” Zackley said.

Erwin watched in complete straight-faced silence.

“Commander Erwin is looking at him like it's a normal Tuesday,” Sasha chuckled.

“Actually, it was a Wednesday,” Erwin supplied.

“...I don’t know whether I’m more disturbed over the fact that you remember what day of the week it was or by the separate fact that you didn’t show sympathy to Eren just now.”

“Good.”

Mike and Hange held the same indifference up from the balcony and Pixis drank...per usual.

Levi kicked Eren three more times before the scene showed his bloodied face, red flowing to the ground from his head.

“OBAMA-LOVER!” Zackley shouted.

Levi stomped on Eren’s head again and then a distinct ‘whooo’ was heard as the scene shifted to ascot man in Hell.

“Hey look,” Historia pointed. “Ascot man.”

“Eren, you gettin’ yo ass WHOOPED! Even from Hell I can see a beating like this! God DAMN!”

“It is a pretty glorious beating,” Armin nodded.

“Especially if he can see it from Hell,” said Jean.

The scene shifted back to the crowd chanting ‘yes!’ in time with Levi’s kicks for about 10 seconds straight. Zackley patted his desk to the beat as Nick danced. 

“Damn, just look at Nick,” said Sasha. “That man is vibing to that beat.” she began grooving along with it too.

“It is kinda catchy,” Eren agreed.

Mikasa did her Mikasa Thing™.

“And now I’m shutting up...”

Levi gave one final kick as the background music ended. There was a pause as Eren wheezed and huffed, blood still dripping. Levi looked down as Eren coughed then knelt down and grabbed Eren by his hair. 

“I think he’s about done,” said Levi.

Erwin raised his hand. “I have a question.”

“Jesus Erwin, just ask!” Zackley insisted.

“Well, when you put it that way, perhaps I’ll just rudely interject next time,” Erwin crossed his arms.

Erwin put his hand down. “Have you made a decision?”

“Ordinarily, I would deliberate longer, but between that glorious ass whooping and my thirst for happy hour, (Pixis gulps from his flask) I’m going to call this case closed. (scene shifted to Eren’s beaten face) Eren Jäger, you are free to join the Survey Corps. (scene shifted to Armin holding back Mikasa) That public beating was punishment enough.”

“Alright,” Mikasa took a deep breath. “Ordinarily, he would have gone on my shit list, but since he didn’t actually directly do anything, I technically can’t put him on without violating one of my rules. He’s on thin fucking ice though.”

Levi glanced to the judge.

“Do you have any closing statements you’d like to make?” Zackley looked to Eren.

“...objection,” Eren rasped weakly.

“That’s valid,” said the captain. 

“Mood,” Historia agreed.

“This is so weird,” said Jean.

“Huh?”

He turned to Historia. “I mean how we can just say things like ‘mood’ and not have to elaborate any further.”

“Historians will never know what in the fuck we’re saying. We’ll know but no one else will.”

“Exactly.” 

The screen went dark.

When it lit up again, they were in a side room used for recesses, the window indicating it was golden hour.

“So things didn’t go exactly as planned, but you still got off scot-free!” said Hange as they dabbed at Eren’s wounds. “Are you in any pain?”

“I just got beaten bloody so I’d imagine I’d be in pain but I dunno, maybe not,” Eren shrugged. So what if he had a higher pain tolerance from repeatedly biting into his flesh and getting his limbs cut off and cutting them off himself and...yeah.

“Please don’t tell me you’re implying what I think you are,” Jean nearly groaned. Not what Eren was going for but some people in the Room seemed to think so.

“Believe what you’d like.”

“Yes...” Eren rasped, clutching his cheek. “The answer to that question is yes.”

Mike stepped over and looked out the window as Hange continued. “Well...I checked and despite your protest, I’m pretty sure you’re NOT leaking spinal fluid, so all things considered, it could’ve been worse, right?”

Erwin walked in and stood next to Hange. “Thank you for your sacrifice, Eren,” said the commander. “By savagely beating you like a dog,” he knelt down and offered his hand, “we were able to keep the Military Police from shooting you and win the support of the judge.”

“I like how you said that so casually Commander, like, sure, Eren just got beaten but hey, he made it!”

“Thanks I guess, Springer??”

“Of course.”

“My eyebrows are impressed.”

Levi nearly spat tea all over himself and added to the mess. 

“I figured that was coming,” Erwin sighed. ‘Eyebrows’ was his childhood nickname after all.

Hange patted his back. “At least It’s your eyebrows and not something else.”

“What else would it be?”

“Your titanic di-”

“Nope!” Erwin slapped a hand over their mouth before they could finish their statement but everyone got the gist. The previous commander’s face flushed at the realization.

“Ahm...” Eren lowered his hand and stared at the commander’s. “Ok?”

“Welcome to the Survey Corps!” Erwin smiled.

Eren jolted. “Thank you sir!” He shook the man’s hand. 

Levi then walked over and plopped himself on the couch next to Eren and rested an arm along the back. “You know, Eren, (the boy flinched away) I really didn’t like you at first.”

Armin snorted and Mikasa rolled her eyes.

“Oh, really?” Eren said uncomfortably.

“Yeah...but you took that beating well. You’re alright in my book. We cool?”

“I stand by the whole, ‘captain being the angsty teen of this family’,” said Armin.

Eren nodded. “Yeah, I see it.”

“What?” asked Erwin.

“Armin created a family hierarchy,” Jean summarized. “Hange and you are the parents. Captain is a teen and the rest of us are children.”

“Ah,” Erwin nodded.

“Oh...yes...ahm,” Eren’s face still showed his evident fear and he continued to stutter, ye-yeah...sure, we-we’re cool.”

Connie furrowed his brow. “How can you go from angee boi to baby in minutes, Eren? I literally do not understand.”

Armin beat his friend to it. “He’s an angee bitch baby.”

Eren pouted. “I resent that even though it’s true.”

“Am I just a joke to y’all?” Mikasa cocked her head to the side.

Sasha put a hand on her shoulder. “Just wait. It’ll bite them in the ass soon.”

“...okay.”

“Welcome to the team, Jägerbomb.”

“...”

“So...” Levi turned back to Eren. “What's the story on your sister?”

Eren gaped, unsure if he was kidding or being serious.

“Wait what?” Levi turned his focus from his cup to the screen. He looked toward the other Ackerman who wore a similar wide eyed look.

The scene cut back to Levi, who was expecting an answer.

Then back to Eren. “...what?”

The ending theme played.

“Of course. They didn’t explain any of that shit,” Historia crossed her arms.

“They didn’t in the first place. Carla’s story keeps developing, dare I say more than others like myself,” said Jean. “And I have a lot of moments there.”

“I just wanna get this over with. It’s getting late and we haven’t done shit,” said Levi.

“...”

“Don’t fucking say it, Eren.”

“...”

“Eren I swear on the Walls!”

“...I didn’t know you were into that.”

“God damn it Eren!”

Notes:

Chapters Written 15 out of 20 and about a third of 16 (episode 15). On the discord Tom said he wanted to release episode 20 sometime by the end of the year but understandably, life comes first but fingers crossed!

Visit my ko-fi here for more frequent updates or if you'd like to give me a coffee. I actually planned to update yesterday but ended up staying up until 2am the previous night and waking up at 7:20am so yeah...

Chapter 16: Episode 15: The Depths of Madness

Summary:

In which hotdog titan, alcohol is consumed in dangerous amounts and Eren is confirmed insane...but you already knew that.

Also Mikasa should probably stop getting her hopes up.

Notes:

Dec. 15: not me realizing that this is written and never looked back on so if the continuity is shit I apologize

Jan. 27: slowly but surely the next chapter will be finished. It's currently like 25% finished based on the episode timestamps. Most of my time is spent on transcribing so there typically is no brain power left for reaction. Please bare with me for the time-being

Feb. 4: We at 11 pages and thriving. About 60% of the episode is written and most of it is reacted to

“Fuck it. Let’s just keep going,” Levi said with red dusted cheeks.

Everyone murmured in agreement.

The opening theme played.

The scene shifted to a bird’s-eye view of Trost.

“I see it!” Jean shouted, scaring both Historia and Connie.

Historia smacked Jean’s arm. 

“Ow!” Jean bitched. 

“Yo, the hotdog titan!” said Armin.

“What the- no!” Jean protested. “I was gonna say it!”

Armin shrugged. “Should have just said it then.”

The other man’s jaw dropped in betrayal.

It faded back to a map with Levi talking in the background.

“So,” the captain began, “while we’re guarding you, we’re gonna hold up in an old castle on the outskirts of town. (READ CAPTION: Hogwarts) I don’t know much about it except back in the day a lot of people died there.”

“...Sounds about right,” Levi shrugged.

Historia’s lip twitched.

“...Levi no,” said Erwin.

“He’s not wrong,” Hange pointed out.

“The fuck is Hogwarts?” asked Connie.

“Hogs can have warts, Connie,” Sasha sounded as if she wanted to face-palm. 

“It’s another Harry Potter reference,” Erwin answered. “Seriously though, I really don’t want to explain that whole situation so let’s move on.”

Connie and Sasha whined a bit but otherwise complied.

The scene shifted to the castle before shifting over to the scouts on horseback.

HORSE NEIGH

“Well I never thought I’d see the day I’d have to babysit a baby back bitch like YOU, but here I am,” said Oluo.

Eren looked up at the ceiling and pursed his lips tightly, taking a deep breath. 

“Is it appropriate to laugh?” asked Sasha, “because I know they died horribly at the hand of who we all thought to be our friend but he’s dissing Eren. Permission to laugh, Captain.”

The man waved her off. “Do as you will.”

“Oh thank god,” Connie let out his giggles before he could suffocate from holding his breath.

“God, it’s a travesty. This is a disaster. This is a titanic ‘fuck this’!”

Historia snorted. “Titans? Fucking? That’ll be the day.”

“Yes! Someone gets it!” Hange cheered.

Eren glanced over behind himself and saw Levi staring him down. The boy quickly turned back to face forward.

“And that’s where that ship comes from,” said Historia.

Mikasa looked at her as if saying ‘seriously?’

Oluo leaned closely to Eren. “You chicken shit sandwich! (Eren: ‘Woah!’) Back in my day, we didn’t have horses! We had billy goats, and you couldn’t ride them!”

Hange covered their mouth as they stifled a laugh. “I’m sorry,” their pitch was higher than normal. “He was only 19.”

“Wait? Actually?” asked Eren. Hey, no one told him these things.

“Yup,” Levi answered simply.

“Damn,” Eren paused. “Legit, I thought he was older than you. You look the same as you did when I was 10.”

“A shame, really,” Hange began another pair of socks, just because, before continuing. “All those fans and no love. Short-stack would make a wonderful househusband.”

Levi gave them a dark look.

The horse slopped on a rock and Oluo bit his tongue, blood spraying. Death metal played in the background as Oluo died inside a little. Eren gaped in horror.

Eren snorted.

Most of the others winced with a grimace. The right couch was unphased however since that was a normal occurrence. Levi felt a small pang in his chest.

After the scene ended, the scouts had arrived in front of the castle.

“Man, look at this busted-ass castle. Fuck are we supposed to do with this?” Gunter asked Eld.

“Call me Dumbledore,” Levi began, “cuz we’re about to clean, bitches.” 

“Another Harry Potter reference,” Erwin tallied.

Levi opened the window on beat with Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean, rags covering his hair and face. The rest of the scouts followed suit.

“Fuck this,” Oluo said as he dusted the hanging wooden candle holder (candelabra? chandelier?)

“That’s valid,” Armin shrugged.

Eld and Gunther used their ODM gear to clean the outside of the windows.

Levi was seen wiping a window sill. “Oh yeah,” he said, a husky quality in his voice. “You’re a dirty window sill aren’t you? I’m gonna clean you something alright.”

“Hmmm~ Captain~” Historia teased with a smirk. “Such lewdity. Nearly in public, no less!”

The captain flushed.

“I was kidding about the Windex, damn,” Mikasa eyed Levi.

“Oh, the Windex was never a lie,” Eren smirked. 

Armin nodded. “He didn’t hide it very well to be honest.”

The captain's face burned to near steaming.

Eren chose the absolute worst time to barge in. He pulled down his mask, “uh, sir? I finished the upstairs as requested, sir.”

Levi turned around and pulled down his mask. “What?!” There was a record scratch.

“Uh...”

“Oof, that’s awkward,” Armin patted Eren’s back even though that was not actually the situation in real life. Eren leaned into the touch anyway.

“What?” Levi asked, a glare evident in his tone.

Poor Eren was confused. “What? (Levi: ‘What?’)”

“...What are you doing?” Eren reiterated.

“I was just enjoying my fucking awesome handiwork, but then an annoying brat had to show up and ruin it all!”

“I think you were enjoying it a little too much, Captain,” said Mikasa.

“Simp,” Levi retorted.

“Girls, girls, you’re both pretty,” said Historia. “Now shut the fuck up and watch.”

The Ackermans gave each other a final glare then complied.

Levi looked down, “and track dirt on the freshly mopped floor.”

“Sorry...” Eren pouted slightly. “...hey, why are you wearing a diaper on your head?”

“Eren’s truly asking the real questions here,” Connie nodded.

“No, the real question is whatever the hell the captain was doing before Eren came in,” Jean shuddered.

“Some questions are better left unanswered...” Historia trailed off. Some of the things she’s seen government officials do when they thought people weren’t watching...There wasn’t enough eye bleach to make her unsee all that...Especially what she’s seen Zackley do...

“Rule number one: Don’t ever question me. Rule number two: Shut up.” 

Levi snorted. “Mood.”

“Rule number three,” he turned a bit more to face Eren completely, “where’s your sanitary headscarf??”

“Sir?”

“Do you have any idea what the deadliest creatures known to man are?”

“TITANS,” Eren answered without hesitation.

“No, Eren. Not everything is about titans,” Armin said as if scolding a child.

“I mean...I’m kinda right,” Eren then continued, “the whole reason for this war is because of titans. The whole reason why we were confined to the walls for that matter was titans.”

Armin sighed, “that wasn’t even the question.”

“No, germs, dumbass.” Levi let his arm drop to his side. “They’re everywhere. In the dust...In your hair...They might even be living inside your own body!”

Cue ominous music

“Actually, there are some that do live in your body,” said Eren. Okay, he didn’t like being a human encyclopedia, but this was just funny. He watched as the others’ expressions slowly dissolved to disgust and horror.

“... what ?” Jean’s voice trembled as he broke the silence.

“Oh yeah. They help the human body digest food. Most are found in the intestines and colon.”

“So basically, lots of digestive bacteria live up your ass,” Hange said helpfully.

Connie took a deep breath with his hands clasped before rotating his wrists to point his fingers in front. “Why did you phrase it like that?”

The captain then resumed, “which is why the squad makes sure to clean every environment it faces. And drink plenty of high-proof liquor.”

“I could get into that,” said Armin.

“I thought screaming in the woods by yourself was your release,” Mikasa looked down at her knuckles.

“Can’t a man have multiple coping strategies?”

Mikasa looked up at him, unimpressed.

“I didn’t want to say it, but I’m handling my trauma a lot better than you, and that’s saying a lot.”

“...trauma?”

“If you two are gonna argue, can you at least let me get out of the way?” Eren was getting smothered by the other two who had climbed on top of him during their conversation.

They both looked at him then dropped their heads onto his shoulders, using him as a human chair.

“This is not what I meant,” Eren said, albeit a little strained under the weight of Mikasa’s rock hard muscles.

No one knew what was happening on the left side of the room anymore.

No one cared.

Hange finished another sock and started making hats. There was a sizable stack of filled notebooks beside them. No one knew how or when they began to fill them out since they were also knitting but this was the same person who wouldn't sleep or voluntarily bathe at all in the name of science.

“Wow.”

“What? It’s a sanitizer.”

“You really take this seriously, don’t you?”

“I take EVERYTHING seriously! I’m Captain Goddamn Levi. I murder titans and scrub the FUCK out of floors. And if you want to be like us, you will too.” 

“Not wrong,” Eren attempted to shrug but failed. He wasn’t sure why he was still trying.

“True. You learned the way of the househusband from the best,” Armin smirked.

“I’m too old for this BS,” muttered Levi as he shook his head.

And with that, Levi addressed Eren’s original comment, “alright Baby-dick, I’m gonna check your work. Finish this room but don’t touch the cabinet. That’s where I keep my weed.” Then the captain was out of sight.

“Can I have some?”

Levi shut his eyes and inhaled before looking back up. “No Eren.” Then, Levi went back to his tea.

Eren furrowed his brow in uncertainty, though it wasn’t too long until another scout came by.

“Surprise hello!” Petra said with a broom in hand.

“Ahh!!” Eren gave a full body flinch.

“Poor thing! You must be pretty overwhelmed. We’re a pretty crazy group of people.”

Eren stiffened a little. “Ah! Yeah, haha. It’s almost like you're required to be insane to join the Survey Corps”

“...I mean,” Historia trailed off.

“What about Jean? He’s normal,” Connie pointed his thumb at the man to his right.

“...an anomaly, I’m sure,” Armin shrugged.

“So let me get this straight (Eren chuckled), I’m the weird one for not being weird?” Jean clarified.

“Yup,” Levi confirmed.

“Well, when you consider that we strap ourselves to massive gas canisters that rocket our body through the air while dual wielding swords so we can slice the neck off giant naked monsters, then yeah, it kind of is.”

“I actually never thought about it like that...” Eren said softly.

“Honestly, me too Eren,” said Sasha. “It’s kinda sick though, I mean, come on.”

There were various nods of agreement.

“But nevermind that. We’ll keep you safe while the commander plots out next mission.”

“Commander Erwin...He stood up for me in court. He seems like a great leader.”

“Oh, he is,” she agreed.

“Sure, inflate his ego some more,” Levi chuckled.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you didn’t believe in my judgement,” Erwin smirked.

“The tea sure is hot today, Connie!”

“Oh, it always is, Sasha.”

“But you should know, deep inside, Erwin is really, really weird.”

Levi bursted into laughter. Like full on belly clutching, honest to the walls laughing. After he stopped he slumped to the side and draped himself over the armrest of the couch.

“...Is he okay?” asked Historia. 

Erwin shrugged.

“His body doesn’t really know how to express emotion so most of the time, it probably thought he was dying or something,” Hange theorized.

“...valid,” said Eren.

The scene shifted to Erwin’s office.

“~One day moooore!~” Erwin sang.

Mike howled and barked.

Erwin turned in his seat to look back at the other man. “~Another day, another destiny.~”

Mike howled again. 

“~This never-ending road to calvary~”

More howling.

“~These men who know my crime, will surely come a second time.~”

Mike done did a bork.

Back with Eren and Petra...

“...wow,” Eren said.

“...yeah, I’m not really sure what to make of all that,” said Jean.

Hange shrugged and switched to smaller needles. “Just go with it.”

“Yeah...” Petra replied.

“Speaking of weird, what’s up with the captain?”

Sasha and Connie both looked at each other with slight grimaces.

“What do you mean?”

Eren prepared himself. “Well, I walked in on him just now and caught him in the middle of...um..”

“Chore-play?” Petra offers.

“There’s even a name for it,” Jean took a deep breath and wheezed an uncomfortable chuckle.

Eren clicked his tongue. “Uh, I wasn’t aware that was a thing.”

“It was the Windex wasn’t it?”

“There. Solid proof,” Mikasa pointed at the screen. 

“Yeah, but no one will believe you,” said Levi.

Armin raised an eyebrow. “Again, it’s not exactly a secret. You thinking that was your first mistake, Captain.”

“Shut up. I’m your superior.”

“But you said to drop the formalities earlier.”

“To Sasha!”

Connie leaned over to Jean, ignoring the argument happening around them. “Wanna get the Paradis equivalent of McDonalds after this?”

“Definitely,” Jean nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Lavender scent or mountain mist?”

“Mountain.”

“Always is,” she muttered.

Then something clicked. “Wait?!”

Jean slowly turned toward the captain. “How does she know that?”

“No,” Levi replied simply.

“...you’re telling me when we finish this,” said Historia.

“...fine,” Levi crossed his arms.

“No!” Petra refuted before Eren could ask. “Don’t wait! Look, a squirrel!”

“Are you?.. And him?”

“Noooo.”

“Yeeeah!!”

“NOOO!!”

“YEEEAHH!!”

“NO.” Levi popped out from around the corner.

Connie burst out laughing.

Mikasa frowned until Eren whispered something into her ear to which her face began to flush. She directed a glare at Connie that made him stop laughing.

Eren straightened up and Petra began sweeping.

“Uh, I’m sorry,” said Levi. “What was the question?”

“Oh God,” Jean combed a hand through his hair and averted his eyes. Unlike Connie, he could hold his laughter...but damn everything in that world was on crack. 

“Nothing, sir!” Eren’s pitch went up.

“Whatever,” Levi dismissed. “You forgot to dust the chandeliers, dick moth!” He glared darkly at Eren, “do everything over.”

“Dang, rip dude,” said Armin sympathetically. 

“Ironically, he’s the best out of all you brats at cleaning,” Levi admitted.

Connie blinked. “Damn. Alright, I see you. What’s Eren got on us?”

“Connie, he’s literally the househusband’s apprentice,” Sasha reminded him, “face it. You’ll never get on his level.”

“Well, when you put it like that...”

The scene cut to night time. 

Levi set his teacup down. “Wow. This was a great tea party. I just sat here and insulted all of you, and nobody talked back.”

Levi looked down at his lap, folding his hands before looking back up, squinting slightly. “Am I wrong, though?”

“Don’t kid yourself, short-stack. You are literally the most caring person here,” Hange smirked. They set aside a finished sock and started its pair. Erwin chuckled knowingly.

The rest of them were kinda afraid to ask for elaboration so that conversation awkwardly fizzled away.

“Sir, may I ask-”

“Spit it, Jägerbomb.”

“And Eren isn’t even phased.”

“Why would he be, Connie?”

“...well now that I think about it, Armin, I see why that was dumb. Thanks a lot.”

“Always happy to help!”

“Why is this tea so awful?” Eren asked.

“That’s because it’s mostly watered-down vodka,” Levi answered from behind his cup.

“Vodka?!”

“The tea is quite hot today, Connie.”

“...poor choice of words, Sasha, but yeah. It kinda is.”

“Okay but watered down?”

“Eren, why is that what you focus on?”

“Jean, you of all people should know.”

“Know what?”

Armin looked at his nails, “that Eren’s a raging alcoholic.”

“ What ?”

“Oh yeah. It’s funny when you think about it since-”

Eren slapped his hand on Armin’s mouth and didn’t even budge when Armin started licking. “You know I’m not gonna move, right?”

Red began to drip from the area around Eren’s hand.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” Connie stared in concern.

“I mean, I guess?” Eren replied.

“...metal.”

“I know right?! We only have enough to drink for, like, half the day this week!”

Eren looked down in disappointment.

“Times are tough in the empire,” Levi lamented before taking a sip.

“Shouldn’t you all be sober?”

Eld turned to Gunther. “What’s he talking about?”

“He said sober,” Gunter gestured to Eren. “We don’t do sober.”

“Mood,” said Eren.

“Aren’t you guys here to make sure I don’t turn into a titan??” asked Eren.

“Yes...” Levi answered.

Eren continued, “and if I do turn into a titan without permission, you’re all going to kill me, RIGHT?!”

“Duh!”

“So, maybe I’d prefer if the people who hold my life in their hands were in the right state of mind?!”

Levi frowned, clearly drunk, “Jägerbomb, I am ALWAYS in the right state of mind.”

“Mmmm, are you sure about that?” Armin gave a tight lipped frown.

“Yes,” Levi said flatly.

“You in the Scouting Legion now, Kid,” Gunther pitched in. “You gotta drink!”

“Wha- What? Why?” Eren stuttered.

“We see death alllllll day! Only way to handle it, is to bottle that shit way down, and never talk about it, to anyone, at any time. You gotta drink instead! All day. Every day. That’s how you live the Survey Corps life, kid.”

Eren’s eyes widened. “So, no one ever talks about their feelings?”

“I mean, that part’s pretty accurate,” Hange shrugged.

“...”

“...”

Historia broke the silence, “that got a bit too real. Let’s keep watching.”

They all nodded. Levi and Erwin kept a closer eye on the current commander.

“Motherfucker, the fuck are feelings? You gotta be stone-cold. Look at me. I’m an ice fortress, motherfucker. I’m a goddamn penguin.”

An image of a stocky bird with black and white feathers fell onto Jean’s lap. 

“Didn’t they have these at the Marleyan zoo?” asked Connie, leaning over to look at the image.

“Mhm,” Armin nodded. “Kinda cute for his context though.”

Jean and Connie nodded.

Eld pitched in. “Eren, what Gunther is trying to say is you gotta find peace with the world when you see what we see. I use different techniques: stretching, meditation, incense, all to find my inner zen. If you’d like, I can give you some prayer wheels I fashioned out of clay bricks and pigeon droppings.”

“I’m okay...” Eren refuted. 

“You sure? They’re organic.”

“Yeah.”

“Cut the shit chat,” ordered Levi. “We’ve got company.”

“Hey look, you still joke about poo!” Hange giggled.

“It’s a better joke than the ones you’ve said today,” Mikasa shrugged.

“Fuck off, shitty brat.”

“Whatever, old man.”

Levi slapped a hand to his chest and gaped in mock offence. “I cannot believe that you would say that to me. I am your superior.”

“That doesn’t help your case...old man.”

The Ackermans both laughed then returned to indifference.

Shared hallucination? More likely than you think!

There were footsteps and then a bang on the door followed by laughing. Eventually, Petra helped Hange in.

“Hello, everyone. I have arrived!” Hange waved. “Wait, Levi, you guys have snacks?”

“NO. No snacks for shitty glasses.” Levi continued to nurse his ‘tea.’

“But why?!”

“We already established this, Hange,” Levi said. “You would eat them all. You know you hate empty calories.”

“Because they ‘make me too excitable’, whatever that means,” they rolled their eyes.

“Yes. Last time you had a plate of cookies and you made all the new recruits start off with thunderspear stunts!”

“They were fine. I was supervising.”

“No. I was supervising. You were throwing rubber balls at them while laughing maniacally.”

“And I was also supervising!”

Levi shook his head with a groan.

“Whatever,” Hange walked past Levi. “I’m here for him.”

“Me?!” Eren continued giving off those big innocent eyes.

Hange pulled up a chair. “HELLO, Titan Eren!”

Eren cleared his throat. “You can just call me Eren.”

“Never, Titan-Eren,” they teased.

“...being a shifter isn’t my most defining trait, guys,” said Eren.

“You’re right,” Armin smirked. “It’s being a lil bitch.”

“That’s just him,” said Mikasa. “His defining trait is being a walking encyclopedia.”

Eren pushed his friends back to their seats. “You both have lost seat privileges.”

“I was honestly surprised you didn’t push us off earlier,” said Mikasa, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

“Aren’t you looking adorable today? This is so great!” they laughed.

A blush formed as sweat formed on Hange’s face. “I just cannot WAIT to probe you.”

Eren moved back slightly. “You know, I’m a bit concerned about what you might have in store for me.”

“Only a bit?” Jean raised an eyebrow.

“Benefit of the doubt,” Hange waved him off.

Hange turned, “Levi, does Titan Eren have anything to fear?”

Levi sat for a moment with his hands folded before answering, “yes.”

“Even the captain is afraid of you!” Jean gestured to the screen.

“You all have never seen Hange mad,” Erwin said, sweat forming on his forehead.

“...”

“...”

“Oh shit you were being serious.”

“Of course I was. I’m always serious.”

“Jesus, Commander Hange.”

“Oh, don’t be silly!” Hange waved him off. They turned back to Eren. “Together, (grabs Eren’s hand) Titan Eren, we’re going to achieve miracles. If I can study your abilities, perhaps we can replicate it in others, and if so, we could finally end the titan threat once and for all! What do you say? Will you help me?”

“Little did they know that he would have to be eaten in order for more shifters to exist.” said Historia.

“...couldn’t we make everyone a shifter if we all just ate Zeke?” Connie asked.

“Yeah but then everyone in the Eldian race would die after 13 years. Not really a best-case-scenario. Also, the children of shifters.”

“No elaboration on that?”

“Is Eren enough elaboration for you?”

“...that’s fair.”

“Fuh!” Oluo growled.

“Well, when you put it like that...” Eren trailed off.

“Pease?” They said in a cutesy voice.

“Hm?”

“PLEASE??” Hange asked more normally.

“Well, yeah. In that case, I’ll help you in any way I can. Killing titans is all I’ve ever wanted to do.”

“Wunderbar!” Then Hange laughed again. “A new era has arrived. (scene zooms in on Hange’s face) I cannot wait to fit you in a test tube!”

“How about we don't do that?” Levi gave Hange a look.

“And that’s not possible anyway,” Eren said, mildly unsettled.

“...Can we test that?”

“Hange, no,” Erwin shook his head firmly.

“Awwww.” 

“Alright, we’re out,” Levi stood up and walked off, the rest of his squad following behind.

“FUCK this. I’m not listening to another one of her lectures,” Oluo complained. The door was shut after them.

“Is it just me or does he sound like a smoker,” asked Connie. 

Sasha turned, “I was just about to say the same thing.” 

Hange retracted their hands and relaxed their expression. “Now that’s it’s just you and me, we can talk frankly, and we have much to discuss, so strap yourself in, Titan Eren, because we’re about to talk science!”

The scene cut to an image of Pastor Nick preaching from the top of the wall that was captioned: The Wall Cult; The Wall Cult has gained much popularity in recent years, mainly due to their wicked death metal concerts; “BITCHES BOW YO HEADS AND PRAISE THESE WALLS”

“I’d pay to see that.”

“...isn’t that the whole point of a concert, Connie?”

“Shut up, Jean.”

Another image of a traditional wall cult ritual was captioned: Rites of Faith; The strangest ritual practiced by the Wall Cult is the one where they reenact the Human Centipede; The chain of asses to mouths symbolizes the unbroken chain of these WALLS; Being first means the Walls love me more; Oh God, I had beans last night; Why did I have to get the horse?

“...wow.”

Erwin nodded, “seconded, Springer.”

The scene cut back to the castle, then to the mess hall where Hange and Eren still were.

“As Chief Science Officer for the Survey Corps, I’ve been busy running experiments on the two titans we have captured,” said Hange.

“This is a bit out of order if I remember correctly,” said Eren.

“Oh yeah,” Hange nodded. “You prompted me to tell you what I knew and I may have gotten carried away in the process...”

Eren raised an eyebrow. “May have?”

“Well, you know me and science!”

He rolled his eyes and turned away with a small smile. “Yeah.”

The scene cut to the fenced off area where two titans were held down by large nails and restrained to the ground with ropes around their necks.

“Oh yeaaah, I’m lovin’ this partayyy..” the blond titan said in a sing-song voice. 

The brunet seemed unimpressed.

“Oh yeah, how you feel about getting a broom up yo ass?”

Jean choked and water dribbled from his lips as he tried to contain the water and stop coughing. Eventually, he gulped and coughed freely for a few seconds before catching his breath. “Holy shit.”

“Yes, but are you good, dude?” Connie eyed him cautiously.

“Of course,” Jean rasped, then cleared his throat a final time.

“Not to be that guy, but titans don’t have assholes.”

“Really, Eren? That’s what you got out of that?” asked Connie.

“No, let the man speak,” Hange insisted. “He’s not wrong.”

“Hey Captain, you know what this means?”

“What Eren.”

“Titan’s don’t defecate.”

Levi pursed his lips, blinking a few times before shaking his head and clicking his tongue. “Why do you keep bringing that up?” he asked, a slight pleading tinge to his tone.

“The truth hurts, Captain. The truth hurts.”

“That’s all you dawg,” the brunet insisted, “I don’t really do it.”

“Nah son. Nah son. You gonna be in it too.”

“Naw naw that’s all you-”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“-like literally-”

“Nah.”

“They gon’ let me loose.”

“Nah.”

“Cuz they know I’m that n****.”

“Nah.”

“They gonna let you have that broom.”

“Ay, I want that broom. I want all nine feet.”

“Dear god, it just keeps getting worse,” Jean dropped his face onto his palms.

“Or it just keeps getting better,” Hange snapped finger guns.

“No...why are you like this?”

“Why aren’t YOU like this?” They dissolved into near-forced laughter.

“...well, I think it’s time to move on,” said Historia, staring at Hange.

“You a nasty motherfucker.”

“Ay, ay...don’t judge it till you try it.”

“Wise words,” said Eren. The Room wink wink.

“I’m not even gonna question that,” Jean sighed.

Hange walked over toward the two titans with a greeting. “Konnichiwa, how are you this afternoon?”

“Well better now that you’ve arrived, god damn!” the blond titan complimented. “You is a fine ass ho!”

“Why thank you Sonny!” Hange smiled brightly.

Levi visibly deflated from Hange’s overpowering aura that pushed him down even with Erwin being in between them.

Moblit tried to keep his voice as steady as possible. “Hange, you are WAY too close to the titan! Step back now.”

Moblit. 

Hange’s smile fell as they turned their focus back to their needles. They didn’t notice as Levi moved over to the teapot and began mixing their favorite concoction.

“Here,” Levi thrust another specialty tea into their hands before returning to his seat.

The weight seemed a bit more bearable.

“I’ll be fine,” they replied calmly, “I’m wearing SAFETY GOGGLES.”

“Some frickin’ librarian shit...” the blond titan moaned.

“Somebody needs a Tic Tac! Maybe I can feed you one,” Hange suggested.

Moblit’s face grew more and more terrified. “Hange, do not feed them Tic Tacs. You remember what happened last time?”

“I don’t know what a tic tac is, but I do know that titans only eat humans so I can imagine what would happen if I gave a titan anything but us,” Armin let out a self-deprecating laugh.

Hange leaned over the brunet titan. “My, aren’t you a big one. I don’t think we put enough tacks in you!”

Expectedly, the titan lunged over with a chomp but Hange scurried backwards with an excited laugh.

“That was close!”

“For god’s sake, Hange, please stay away!” Moblit rasped.

Erwin looked worn just being reminded of Hange’s near-suicidal tendencies.

“Nee, ne ne ne!” they said as they tiptoed closer, completely ignoring Moblit. “Neeee. (CHOMP) AhAaahaha!”

“Yup. That’s our Hange,” Armin giggled nervously.

The scene cut to later in the day as Hange continued to narrate their findings to Eren, “after our friendly introduction, I adopted the titans as my own.”

“Are we now you’re kin, Hange?” asked Eren.

“You are all, my children!”

“I’m going to eject myself from this conversation,” Levi flipped using the back of the couch as leverage and landed on a nearby seat behind the couch that was just at the right angle for him to still see the screen.

Hange paced between the titans. “I’ve decided to give you both names. (Pointed to blond titan) You’re going to be Sonny, (pointed to brunet titan) and you’re going to be Bean, (pointed to both) and we’re gonna be the best of pals! Now let’s do the experiments.”

“You seem so excited but in a different way than the titans, commander.”

“That’s true, Sasha...something isn’t adding up...”

“Hey,” said Sonny, “what you like to get fucked up on?”

“Anything,” Bean replied.

“Anything?”

“I’m down for anything.”

“Alright me too, me too!” agreed Sonny.

“That’s why I came! You told me there was gonna be drugs! Where the drugs at?”

“You already had them.”

“Seriously, Eren? Another spinal fluid joke?”

“It’s still relevant, Armin.”

“But why?”

“...I’m venting.”

“Okay, that’s fair.”

“Hey, man. We gonna find out! Don’t judge.”

The brunet scoffed, “only thing we gonna find is brooms up our ass!”

“Nah nah nah na-”

“And that ain’t my shit. That’s you.”

“Nah.”

“...”

“Yeah.”

“This is almost better than overhearing old lady mobsters during book club,” said Levi, as if that was a totally normal thing to say. Which in all fairness, was to him.

“...”

“We did it differently in the underground.”

“I know, but that doesn’t help, Captain,” said Jean, who was very close to having another breakdown. 

“You know I don’t play that shit.”

“Ay ay, but you should play that shit. Play it like a tambourine.”

“The fuck?”

“I don’t know, Jean. Just go with it,” said Connie.

Hange began to narrate again, “as a part of our human conditioning experiments, I checked to see if reading them bedtime stories would calm them down. Sonny seemed to really like the Hungry Caterpillar. Bean, however, didn’t like it very much.”

Bean looked at Hange with his jaw wide and said, “bitch, I’m gonna KILL you.”

Back in reality, Eren looked at his hands, “Hange, there’s something I’ve always wondered. How do the titans talk?”

“Dude, you and me,” said Connie.

They furrowed their eyebrows, “huh?”

“You’ve heard them, right?” Eren looked up to Hange.

“No. I’ve never heard a titan speak, although there was that one time...”

“Actually?” asked Sasha.

“Not personally. I read it happened to Ilse Langnar in her diary,” Hange shrugged.

“And me,” said Connie, looking down at his lap.

“...Monkey.”

Eren burst into laughter at the captain’s mention of his brother.

“Ever since I can remember, I’ve heard them talk.”

“So wait. Eren’s the only one who can hear their crackhead nonsense? Why?” asked Historia.

“It’s probably because he’s the son of a shifter. I don’t doubt that shifters can hear their chatter as well,” said Armin.

“That just about answers all of my questions then,” said Jean. 

“Fascinating. What do they say?”

Eren made a few noncommittal grunts. “Well...” The scene cut to various flashbacks of titans talking.

“Oh no,” said Historia with a giggle.

“Mhm,” Armin smirked in amusement.

Colossal: “What’s good n*****?”

Ep 1 pure titan: “I hope you pregnant, ho! You KNOW I need them prenatals!”

Trost pure titan A: “CRACK COCAAAAAINE!”

Titan chasing Jean: “Imma BITE YO DICK OFF!”

Trost pure titan 1: “let it go! Let it go!”

Trost pure titan 2: “Fuck Frozen!”

Hange looked at Eren.

Eren stared back.

Up in the commander’s office, ( Connie: “Really? They just stare at each other?” Mikasa: “Shut it.” “Eek!” ) Erwin was humming while strategizing their next expedition. “~Here is my master plan~” He tapped his pen on the formation diagram a few times.

Mike barked as subtitles appeared in translation. “It might be wise to space the load out evenly. That way we can maintain a faster top speed.”

Erwin turned back and began praising Mike. “Oh, who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a SCOOBY SNACK?” Mike began to get more and more excited with every word.

The camera shifted to outside the castle where Mike’s barking could still be heard.

“Alrighty then,” Jean blinked.

Then it cut back to the mess hall.

Hange cut the silence, “well, it’s been quite the conversation, but enough about my experiments. The reason why I came here is because of you, Eren Titan. You are the ultimate test subject. (Eren’s eyes grew intense) A titan we can reuse many times over. I believe, not only can you help humanity by fighting for us, but also by contributing to the knowledge about our foe. So what do you say? Will you join me in science?”

Eren looked up, “yes, Hange! I will. I’ll help you in any way I can.”

“It was then that I knew: I fucked up,” said Eren.

Levi snorted, “I knew you were fucked from the moment Hange walked into the room, brat. You were literally the only one who didn’t know. Don’t you remember the whole ‘everyone leaving the room’ bit?”

“...Rude, but true.”

“Fantastic! This is wonderful news. Alright, so I’m going to first outline some of the basic physics principles that will help you understand my next couple of experiments (the scene panned up to the night sky as Hange faded) and then I’m going to start on...”

The scene changed to morning and panned back down to the mess hall.

“And THAT’S how the Coriolis Effect works,” Hange said, hands waving.

Eren rasped, bags under is eyes, “oh my god...I’m so hungry...”

“For science?!”

“...”

“Poor Eren. he just looks so done with everything,” said Sasha.

“I felt pretty dead, not gonna lie,” Eren nodded. “It was almost worth it.”

“Let me guess: It could have been a flow chart,” said Levi.

“That’s exactly it!” Eren pointed at him.

“Or a letter. Possibly even a paper.”

“Absolutely.”

Hange sat there with a surprised pikachu face, almost offended.

Moblit burst into the room. “Hange! Somebody has stolen the Philosopher’s Stone!”

“Another Harry Potter reference,” Erwin tallied yet another reference.

“Oh come on, could you at least give us a synopsis?” asked Connie.

“Alright, fine,” Erwin grunted. “Evil wizard searching for immortality gets killed by a teen but not before the evil wizard tries to kill said teen as a baby.”

“That makes even less sense than if you didn’t explain it.”

“This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.”

Hange and Eren both looked at Moblit in confusion.

“Shit! I mean, the Titans are dead!” he corrected himself.

“Yeah, that makes more sense,” said Connie.

Hange squawked in offence. “The audacity!”

Hange gasped dramatically before leaping out of their seat.

There was a sound of a horse whinnying as the scene panned to the scouts riding to the titan enclosure.

Hange let out a shrill scream as the scene showed the steaming bones of Sonny and Bean. “MYYY CHILDREN!!” they held their head, distraught, then fell to their knees. “SONNY!!! BEAN!!! WHY????” 

Eren stood among the crowd of soldiers with his hood up, all looking at the craziness before them.

Eld turned to Gunther. “So, like, (Hange: ‘I’M SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU’) you think we should get her some help?”

“MY HUBRIS, WHY???” Hange lamented.

“Nah. Fuck that,” Gunter replied.

Armin snorted.

Hange let out another scream of emotional pain.

Oluo snickered, “typical woman. (Petra gave him a look) Delicate and frail.”

Petra shoved her elbow right into his rib. Was she delicate and frail now, bitching poser?

“My ribcage!” Oluo whined.

“Who’s the little bitch now?” Mikasa snorted.

“Why are you looking at me?” Connie’s eyes widened.

“...No reason.”

Eren continued to stare at Hange with everyone else until...

“Boogily Boogily Boogily Boogily Boop, SPACE RAINBOWS!!” Erwin yelled into Eren’s ear.

“...”

Erwin blinked. “I’m sorry. That was a weird thing to say.” Then he leaned back and ventured off with Levi.

Everyone blinked, not quite sure what else to do in this situation. Do they question their commander? Do they move on?

“He’s only normal unless you spend a day with him.”

Everyone’s eyes were on Levi.

“I guess he’s not wrong,” Hange nodded.

“I feel attacked,” Erwin chuckled.

Eren gaped at them in thought. ‘This is the place I chose.These are the heroes I admired. (Hange was still screaming) They’re all complete fucking lunatics (Erwin exited the enclosure.)’

The ending theme played.

“Whatever Eren’s on, I want some,” said Connie.

“I think I’m the only one who’s sober there, actually,” Eren corrected.

“Lit. I don’t have money to spend so that all works out.”

“???”

“I’m just waiting for the next one. The red bar still has a bit before it’s finished,” said Mikasa.

Sonny: “My favorite.. My favorite, uh, children’s book is like the.. Like the Phantom Tollbooth.”

“...”

“Although, I also fucks with that Hungry Caterpillar.”

“I fucks with that Green Eggs and Ham, man,” said Bean.

“Mm. Describes my life.”

“Cuz I get that green and I go ham when I’m eating these children.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Well, that was a minute of my life I’ll never get back,” Mikasa sighed.

Notes:

Chapters Written: 16 out of 20

Mental and physical health go brr. But seriously, I've been struggling with balancing my work and hobbies with the added stress of being sick during a semi-restricted time. I don't have COVID (but man would it make college a lot more forgiving in terms of workload) but being sick makes me like a million times more scatterbrained.

Other than that, don't forget to check out my ko-fi here if you want to see more progress updates or if you're feeling adventurous, you could buy me a coffee.

Chapter 17: Episode 16: A Midsummer Night's Scream

Summary:

In which there is a lack of Armin, more dead Marco jokes and Operation: Space Rainbow!

“Well, we’re almost done,” said Erwin. “Only four more to go.”

“How do you know that?” asked Hange.

“Carla,” he answered simply.

“Yeah, that would make sense...”

“Well in any case, let’s get into it.”

The opening theme played.

The scene faded in, showing the mass cremation site at Trost.

Connie held his head with tears streaming down his face, “my dreams! My dreams.”

“Sooo, the stripping was that bad, huh? (Connie: ‘Mama, forgive me’)” Sasha asked Historia and Ymir.

“It wasn’t just bad. It was legendary,” Ymir clarified.

“Wow, right off the bat,” said Jean, wincing sympathetically, but really it was expected. He knew Connie after all.

“Seriously man? I thought we were friends?” Connie whined.

“Sorry bud, I agree with Jean,” Sasha put a hand on his shoulder.

“...I hate you both.”

“I think it may have actually counted as a war crime,” Historia added.

“Huh. If that’s how Historia classifies it, you must have royally fucked up, Connie,” said Mikasa.

“...did you just do what I think you did?” asked Connie.

“What? The pun? What about it?”

“You made a pun,” he repeated slowly, his body language getting increasingly uncomfortable.

“I think you broke him, Mikasa,” Jean waved his hand in front of Connie’s widened eyes but received no reaction.

“Alright, I wanna make a PSA.” Mikasa looked around to make sure she had everyone’s attention. “When I do something normal, you all shouldn’t freak out like I’ve grown a second head. I may be a boss ass bitch but I’m also a person. So delete your prejudices or be demoted to acquaintance.”

There was a beat.

“Back to the show!” Erwin suggested, to which everyone turned their heads in silent agreement.

Connie whimpered something unintelligible in spanish.

“What happened?” asked Sasha.

Historia began, “well, it started off promising, but after the act with the donkey, the bystander injuries and the roof collapse we had to shut everything down. That’s it, no more orgies. Connie ruined everything.”

“...damn.”

“Yeah, I’m not even mad at that, Jean. Holy shit though. Is it weird that I wanna know more?”

“Connie, literally what the fuck?”

“I just feel like there are so many details that we haven’t explored in this story, Jean.”

“Okay, same but actually cringe.”

“I feel like I need to bleach my eyeballs,” Ymir looked down.

“I feel like I need to bleach my soul,” Historia said.

“What Historia said,” Levi agreed.

“Big rip though, all around,” said Historia with the same sentiment.

“It was like watching a dead pigeon flutter on the ground.”

Connie continued his pathetic whining in the background.

“I actually feel better watching our friends burn than I did watching him strip,” Historia frowned.

“Ooof shit. That’s really saying something Connie,” Jean grimaced.

“At least I didn’t actually do this,” Connie tried to lighten up the mood.

“...stop. Just stop. Nothing you say is gonna fix,” Jean waved vaguely, “that.”

“Fair.”

Connie continued crying in the background.

Jean knelt down and picked up some of the ash. “Is this you Marco? Or was it one of the many others we’ve lost.”

Jean froze again at the mention of his late friend. Surely this universe’s version of himself wouldn’t also have his...issues.

A random soldier shouted, “Jean, stop picking up random bones!”

The scene transitioned to Jean’s flashback in the gas refuel room.

‘From the very beginning, you were there,’ Jean narrated, ‘trying to guide us.’

The scene went back to the present.

‘I’ve lived a long life of douchebaggery, but perhaps there is another way to go?’

Eren snorted, then covered his mouth and apologized immediately.

‘Look Jean!’ a familiar voice echoed. ‘I’m an angel’

Jean turned to his right and saw Marco surrounded by angelic light and angelic background chorus.

‘Bet you believe in me now you dumb motherfucker!’ 

Connie and Sasha couldn’t help their burst of laughter as most of the rest barely held it back. Levi and Mikasa sighed and Eren gripped his knees in a horny grip. (Without the horny but who knows to be honest.)  

Rest in peace Jean’s sanity.

Hange and Erwin were just vibing.

Marco looked down at Jean’s crouched form. ‘Woohoohoo! Praise the walls!’

“And of course we can’t forget that!” Sasha squeaked out as she attempted to calm down.

“I believe, Marco!” Jean said shakily, eyes trained on the bright fire pits in front of him. “IIIII BELIEEVE!!!”

“Wow,” said Historia. “Jean’s really lost it this time.”

“By the Walls, even Historia!” said Connie, clutching his stomach. 

Historia sent an unnoticed glare, but after a few seconds she sighed at her wasted effort. 

Ymir agreed. “Yeah, between his apathy and Connie’s emasculation, I think we actually make up most of the testosterone left in the 104th.”

“Hey!”

“She’s not wrong, Connie.”

“Fuck you, Eren!”

“Kinda forward of you but nah.”

“THAT- that’s not what I meant and you know it!”

“Of course I know, you moron. I just like messing with you.”

Mikasa sighed and shook her head. “Dear walls grant me mercy.”

“..Agreed.”

“Guy,” Jean looked at the three girls with wide eyes, voice cracking and shaky, “h-hey hey guys. Have you decided which division you’re joining? Because, I think Marco’s telling me I need to change.”

Jean supposed that part was at least true.

“Jean, you okay buddy?” Historia asked as if consoling a child. “I think you might have inhaled too much smoke.”

Jean gripped his wrist tightly  with his left hand and clenched onto the random bone he picked up earlier in his right. “What would Marco dooooooo?!!!”

“For real, we’re kinda worried about you.”

“Kinda,” Ymir nearly rolled her eyes.

“I would say harsh, but that’s just Ymir for ya,” Historia shrugged.

Historia ignored her, “cause for the last two hours, all you’ve done is inhale the ashes of our dead comrades and scavenge random bones like a shrew.”

“I think Marco is inside of me!” Jean shouted.

Jean flushed at that statement.

Connie leaned over with a smirk and nudged his elbow at Jean teasingly. “You got something to tell us Jean?”

“N-no!” the other man on that couch quickie refuted.

“You know, we’d be perfectly alright with it. It’s better than Eren’s fuckboy-ness,” Sasha squinted in disgust at the thought.

“Okay,” Ymir put her foot down, “you want me to grab the flask?”

“Yeah,” Hisoria confirmed, “double the dosage on this one. I’m not taking any chances.”

“Hey, that’s Armin’s thing!” Hange gasped in mock offense.

“Yeah!” Armin played along. “But not gonna lie, I probably would have done the same thing.”

The scene faded to the Scout’s castle the next morning. Birds chirped.

Then the scene shifted to Levi riding on horseback, then again to Gunther and Eld.

Eld looked over to Gunther. “Soo, you think the kid’s a good addition to the team?”

“Hmmm,” Gunther averted his eyes in thought. “...Naah.” He looked back to Eld, “I think he’s a little BITCH!”

“Tell us something we don’t know,” Armin snorted.

“We should probably stop talking in front of him.”

Levi choked. ‘They were shouting that right in front of him???’

Eren stared at Gunther as he fed the horses. Gunter continued in the background, “I always forget. I talk loud as shit!”

The scene turned back to Levi’s squad members, “yo, Eren! Don’t listen to anything we say and hurry up on those horses.”

“Oooon it,” Eren nodded with a sigh.

“Oof. The mood is real,” Armin gave Eren a sympathetic shoulder pat.

Levi set his cup on the steps then brought his horse to a stop.

The captain turned to his saluting squad, “drop everything, we’re joining up with the corps.”

Eren ran over and joined the salute, voice cracking, “yes sir!”

The scene panned from Eren up to Levi. 

“Listen, buttercup,” the captain said deliberately, “I need you to tone it down several notches. You’re an 11 right now; I need you to be at like a 4. You have no idea the hangover I’m dealing with.”

“I never knew I could be so disappointed in myself,” the captain sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Alright,” Levi moved on, “squad Levi, ROLL OUT!” The man led everyone out on horseback. There were heavy bags under Levi’s eyes.

“We’re on horseback though,” said Sasha.

“Shut up,” Levi said flatly.

“But Captain-”

“What did I just say?”

“...”

“That’s what I thought.”

“...Horses-”

“Sasha, I swear to the walls, I will round up all the livestock and put it on a boat to Marley!”

“...”

Hange redirected them, “back to the show!”

With the newly graduated cadets...

“Well, you finally saw death, Armin,” said Mikasa as they ate their gruel. “Thinking about joining up with the garrison now?”

“No.”

Mikasa frowned, “why not?”

“Trost was just the appetizer.” Armin leaned in and looked her in the eyes and said with a slight growl, “I want the full meal.”

Mikasa’s jaw fell as she stared at her friend.

“I like how Mikasa looks so scandalized,” said Jean, “Like gurl, you already knew what you were getting into being friends with a guy like him. I’m just saying.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why I’m so surprised there. Seems kinda weird,” Mikasa nodded.

Behind her an MP shouted in a Scottish accent, “attention cadets! Gather in the auditorium for graduation!” Then he looked at Armin who began to leave the room and shouted, “the FUCK! You didn’t eat your MEAT! If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding! HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DON’T EAT YOUR MEAT!!!”

Armin and Mikasa blinked, dumbfounded.

“This shit didn’t happen,” Armin snorted. 

“Oh yeah, wasn’t this when they called you up to be witnesses in the trial?” asked Jean.

“That’s what that was?” asked Connie.

“Connie, you were there. How did you not know about this?” Jean eyed the other man, confusion written on his face.

“I just wanna know why they have north-western accents. As far as I knew then only accents were posh, main and country,” Hange brought up

“That’s a weird way of putting it...” Armin scrunched his nose in thought. “Yeah I got nothing.”

“Oh well.”

The scene shifted to graduation.

“Welcome, my tiny little pawns!” Erwin greeted them all. “I ALWAYS enjoy this moment! For here, I get to tell YOU about the glorious life you can lead in the Survey Corps. And by the time I’m finished, I have little doubt you’ll want to go ANYWHERE else!”

Levi shook and finally let the mouthful of tea spill down his chin and back into his cup and on his hand.

“Levi, are you alright?” smirked Erwin, who had already seen this and was being a little shit about it. 

“Fuck off,” Levi set the cup down dabbed his face with some napkins, wiping the rest off his hands afterward.

“Hange, pops is teasing dad again,” Historia joined in teasingly.

Hange laughed and high-fived her.

Levi face-palmed in defeat. Why did this become his life?

“I thought Levi was the awkward teenage brother to us children?” Connie frowned.

“No one cares anymore,” Eren shrugged. “It wasn’t like we were being serious.”

“That’s not the point, Eren . By the Walls, why do you ruin everything? You used to be fun! Now you’re just a Debbie downer.”

“Well, you know what, Connie?”

“What?”

Eren looked Connie in the eyes, “Your mom.”

“...bruh. You know how that makes me feel,” Connie’s voice cracked slightly.

“And my mom’s dead Connie. How do you think I feel?”

Jean rolled his eyes, “here we go again.”

“Did you know how I felt when I saw my half-brother’s mom eat my mom out right in front of me?”

“..........”

“...”

“...Eren....what?????”

Eren’s face went red, “wait I meant up! She ate her up!” It was too late. The damage had already been done. 

Mikasa looked into the metaphorical camera as if she was on The Office, disappointed that she was in the same space as...whatever that was.

The scene panned, showing various unsure cadets.

Erwin paid them no mind, “First off some housekeeping. I know many of you have concerns regarding the rumors about hazing in our group. Well, I am proud to announce that THIS is a thing of the past!” The scene zoomed in on Erwin’s face. “That’s right! We are a no haze zone! No longer shall the new class be forced to hang upside down while being paddled with the blunt end of a sword. Tell your squad leaders, ‘no haze zone’ and they’ll respect it!”

Connie and Sasha looked at each other then snorted. Sure they bore the brunt of it at one point but they were the vets now. Technically. They were the only ones who didn’t die at Shiganshina and- nope they weren’t going to continue that depressing train of thought.

“His stupid fucking policy,” Petra said from backstage. 

“He’s so proud of that,” Eld agreed.

“Nobody enforces it.”

Erwin continued, “second, I want to touch base on the rumors that the Survey Corps has a problem with drugs. That is absolutely, positively, true.”

Les gasps. (“How’d he find out?”)

“I think everyone has a problem with drugs in this world. I mean the cadets and gas? Not a coincidence,” said Armin.

Eren snorted, “you mean Connie and the gas.”

“Not wrong but I still take offense,” the aforementioned soldier sighed.

“Which is why I am instituting a mandatory drug test!” Erwin earned himself more gasps. (“Mmmmm. Not good.”)

Eld deflated, “at least we know.”

“If you stop smoking now, you just might pass,” Petra suggested.

“No. I will literally pay you 20% of my salary if I can use your piss.”

“25.”

“..deal.”

“Pointless train of thought but what if it came back pregnant?” asked Hange.

Levi sighed into his clasped hands, “why was that the first thing you thought of? There were so many other routes you could have gone and this is the one you choose?”

“Well, that would imply at least a couple different scenarios,” Erwin began seriously. “We would have considered Eld legitimately pregnant and confront that, or we could have confronted him about possible exchange because we all knew he didn’t have the equipment; also then we’d have to weed out the accomplice and get them medical leave. All around it would have been a very uncomfortable ordeal for all parties.”

“...fun,” Hange ended.

The scene shifted back to Erwin. “Now that we’ve covered these important updates, I shall describe for you what you can expect upon joining the Survey Corps. My subordinates have prepared an inspiring speech for me to give!” 

A beat.

“But I’m not going to give it.”

“Oh shit, he’s going off script,” said Petra.

“Wait, how bad could it be?” asked Connie. Erwin was pretty charismatic and well-spoken so what could possibly go wrong?

“I’m going to be honest with you, because honesty is the best policy!”

“No!” she pleaded from the shadows.

That still didn’t sound so bad but when you think about it-

“OH,” Armin’s eyes widened. Oh no indeed.

“What?” asked Sasha. 

“Oh no,” Jean came to the same realization.

“Here’s the truth! Most of you are going to die! (Scene goes to Jean) You’re dead, (then to Reiner) you’re dead, (Connie) you are definitely dead. (Mikasa) You’re cute so you might live. (Sasha) Dead, (Annie) dead, (Historia) dead, (zooming in on Armin) aaaaaaaand dead!”

“No you,” Armin said. Que MLG airhorns, money rain and sunglasses on his face.

“OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH” The younger soldiers except Armin and Hange (of course) all shouted.

A beat.

“It’s disrespectful,” Levi began but was interrupted by Erwin.

“To you.”

“It is disrespectful-”

“To you.”

Levi took a deep breath, “first of all, it’s disrespectful in general-”

“To you.”

“...nevermind.”

Meanwhile everyone else was practically losing their mind over their officers' interaction.

The scene zoomed back out.

“You! In the back, you’re probably dead! You , ESPECIALLY you! You, by the walls, I don’t even wanna know what's going to happen to you! (Flashback to last expedition) One of the most interesting things you’ll see in the Survey Corps, is the wide variety of ways a human being can die.” 

“He’s not wrong,” Connie shrugged.

“Yeah, like that one time we saw a guy get his balls crushed before being decapitated,” nodded Sasha.

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I can almost imagine what that must have felt like.”

“It’s almost weird how seeing most of your friends die desensitizes you from death,” Eren pitched in.

“Eren, no one needed that,” Jean suppressed a sigh. “Yes, you’re kinda right but that wasn’t the vibe.”

Eren rolled his eyes.

“(Back to present) who knows how you’ll pass! You might be like Neil, and get your colon pulled out from your esophagus. You might be like Carol and get ripped apart by 3 titans at once! Or, you might be like Larry and get trampled by a mule, there are SO many ways to go!”

Erwin took a grounding breath, “what I want you all to take away from this, is that you are all titan fodder, and you can look forward to pain and suffering upon joining the Survey Corps.”

There was a pause.

“Literally all we do is die.”

“Oh...oh that was it...huh. Not exactly what I expected but I live to be disappointed,” Levi got back to his tea. 

An image with the three factions of the army and a person was captioned: Career Opportunities; Nobody is a special flower inside the Walls. You pick one of three jobs, or shovel coal for the rest of your life; life is a bitch in the Empire.

Another image showing cadets falling off a broken bridge was captioned: Life in the Garrison; In the empire, loyalty is more important than structural design; HELP MEEEEEEE; GOD DAMN IS HANNES; call RoboCop; holy shit we suck at our jobs; wait I thought this was a suspension bridge; dude, it’s an arch.

“Is that you Eren?” Connie snickered

“Mans wasn’t even that bad. I dunno why y’all are giving him such hate,” Armin defended.

“Aight,” Connie backed off, “you right.”

Back with Erwin, “I realize you might find what I said depressing. Therefore, I have prepared several jokes in advance to lighten the mood.”

From off-screen someone said, “oh god no.”

“Ooo I wonder what!” Hange leaned forward, pen in hand.

Erwin cleared his throat.

“Oh god, he’s telling the jokes again,” Petra said with urgency, “someone stop him!”

Erwin ignored everything and continued, “I used to have a job crushing cans. ” He gave a little smirk. “I was soda-pressing!”

There was an awkward silence.

“Excuse me sir!” Erwin looked to the side, “would you like your milk in a bag?! No thank you, it will just LEAK OUT!”

“God damn”

“When’s the punchline coming?”

Sasha wailed out of nowhere, “I’m so sorry I can’t,” she barely choked out before she went back to belly-clutching laughter. After a few deep breaths she clarified, “Connie, your face!”

“Yours isn’t any better,” Connie fought hard to contain himself.

“You’re basically laughing too!”

“Can both of you shut up?”

The two composed themselves at the captain’s command.

“What’s brown, long and sticky?” Erwin paused for dramatic effect, “a stick.”

“FUCKING KILL MEEE!!”

“What does a nosey pepper do?” the commander asked. The scene suddenly zoomed in. “GETS JALAPENO BUSINESS!!!”

Petra nearly groaned from backstage, “he’s literally murdering our future.”

Erwin continued, “how do you tell a dogwood apart from any other tree?”

“YOU SUCK!”

“By its bark!” Erwin corrected.

There was mumbling. 

“Racist”

“TWO sausages are lying in a frying pan!” Erwin said even louder, “one looks at another and says, ‘it’s getting awfully hot in here,’ the other says, ‘AHH, A TALKING SAUSAGE!”

A few cadets stepped back.

“..That concludes my speech,” Erwin finishes. “Those of you who wish to join the Survey Corps, remain standing. The rest of you are free to go.”

Everyone blinked.

“All agree to never speak about this scene ever again?” asked Jean.

Various sounds of agreement flooded the room.

The cadets began to disperse.

“Oooh”

“Fuck that”

“That was the worst fucking thing I’ve ever heard”

Jean leaned on his toes. ‘What’s wrong with me? I’m so close to my dreams. But if I go-’ Jean’s thoughts were interrupted.

‘I LOVE YOU JEAN!’ said Suit-Vest.

“You’d be the only one, Suit Vest.”

“Shut up, Eren.”

“Make me~”

“..No.”

“Then sit there and take it. Bitch.”

“Boys, If you’re gonna flirt across the room could you at least get a room?” Historia massaged her temples.

The two in question deflated.

‘Suit-Vest?! How are you inside my head?’

‘JOIN THE SURVEY CORPS!’

‘Wha? But what about my empire?! What about my DREEEAAAMS!?’

“No dreams for you. Only sadness and death,” said Eren.

“Again, how are you horny and depressed at the same time???” Jean sounded so close to losing it and he probably was too.

“Have you met him?” asked Armin.

“Yeah, he’s been like this for a couple years now,” Hange nodded.

“You know what? Never mind,” Jean went back to the screen.

‘I just wanna redeem myself,’ Connie clenched his fists, ‘but all the girls are going to the Survey Corps!’

‘Connie mijo, no te rindas en tus sueños, mi amol’ Connie’s mom somehow said in his head.

“Never give up on your dreams,” Armin translated.

“Creepy that she’s in my head but there have been worse things in that world,” Connie resigned himself.

Connie made a squealish growl. ‘I KNOW MOMMA! I KNOW!’

‘If you choose the Military Police, you will be rich,’ Suit-Vest informs Jean, ‘(Mikasa’s silhouette fades in) but you will always regret leaving her behind’

‘GOD! DAMNIT.’ Jean knew his Suit-Vest was right.

“Simp.”

“I know you are, Eren but what am I?”

“..also a simp.”

“Dang, mans isn’t even denying it anymore.”

“...what?”

“And there’s the dense Mikasa we all know and love,” Historia teased.

‘WHAT WOULD MARCO DO?!’ Suit-Vest furthered its point.

‘Shut up Suit-Vest!’

‘I think you should always follow your heart Jean,’ Jean’s hallucination of Marco said.

‘Fuck-off!’ Jean tried to clear his head.

“Even Marco’s here to encourage you,” said Sasha.

“What even are the two storylines here though?” asked Armin. “I’m getting emotional whiplash from those two and the preceding events.”

“Just ignore it for your sanity. I did a while ago,” Levi shrugged.

‘I have to do it,’ Connie concluded. ‘I have to do it, damnit! I’M DOING IT! I’LL MAKE YOU PROUD MOMMA!! I’M GONNA BE THE BEST PUERTO RICAN STRIPPER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!’

Sasha choked on air as Connie tried to assimilate into the couch with Jean trying to keep a straight face.

“Is this a new side gig I need to be aware of, soldier?” Erwin asked with a glint in his eye.

“Dear Walls, not you too!” Connie moaned into his palms.

‘You’re right,’ Jean bit his lip. ‘I can’t believe it, but you’re right. This is my place. THIS is where I belong! Goodbye my sweet, beautiful douchebag empire.’ Jean raised his head, wolves howling along with him, “GOODBYEEEE!!!”

The moon glittered then the screen went white, triumphant music playing as the cadets who chose to stay were revealed. 

“You know what, that wasn’t as weird as what I said earlier,” Jean shrugged.

“But we’re not gonna talk about the hallucinations?” Hange set another sock down on the pile. They looked up and drove their gaze into his.

“...welp, I guess I’m going back to therapy.”

Erwin looked at the new blood then smiled. “My eyebrows welcome you to the Survey Corps.” 

“As they should,” said Levi before sipping his tea.

“...”

Levi turned to face the young adults, “what.”

Sasha put a finger up then deflated as Connie opened and closed his mouth like a fish.

He saluted, “Offer up your hearts!” 

They all saluted in response with a shout.

“For everyone still here, please pick up your complimentary water bottle AND lanyard at the edge of the stage. We’re also doing a sign-up for our annual pancake breakfast! Please, write down your name and blood type on the provided sheet if interested. Recycling is collected every other Wednesday. I look forward to delivering ALL of your eulogies.”

“You had me in the first half, not gonna lie,” Armin said.

“Oh how the turntables,” Eren pitched in.

“Eren, stop being insensitive.”

“Mikasa, stop trying to be my mom.”

“Oooo he went there,” Sasha grabbed another handful of popcorn.

The scene shifted to the next day by the stables at Utgard Castle. 

A horse snorted at the recruits.

“Welcome to the Survey Corp Brother! These here are the horses you’ll be takin’ into the field!” said Ness as he stroked his horse’s muzzle. 

“They’re specially bred to be super nice, and super responsive to your-” Ness grunted in surprise as his horse latched its teeth to his head.

“Ahhh! Ahh, oh fuck he’s biting my head! Oh, get off!” Ness struggled. Blood began to spurt with a wet sound. “Oh he’s sinkin’ his teeth right in. He’s up to his chompers in my brains! Sweet Jesus, the agony! Ahh, the pain!” 

“Well, damn.”

“I think it’s a lot more severe than that, Jean,” Connie recoiled slightly at the blood flowing out.

“Sasha, did horses ever do that to you?” Jean dodged the point.

“Oh, so just because I’m a country girl, I automatically have experience in these things?”

“Uhhhhh”

“..My dad got his hat stolen once by a horse. And I was just messing with ya.”

That didn’t make it any less uncomfortable.

The scene cut to Ness presenting the formation to the recruits, blood staining his bandana. 

“Alright turbo maniacs! Onto the battle plans!” Ness pointed at the diagram. “Here we have the second column’s, where you’ll be.” Then he pointed to the center. “And over here we have-”

The scene cut to Levi's squad. 

“-the motherfuckin’ middle column!” Gunther finished the statement, pointing it out to Eren. “That’s where we gonna be! Now I know all you dick-hards go into battle, but that aint the plan.”

“Wait what? That made no sense.”

“None of this makes sense, Connie.”

“You right, Historia, I don’t know why I keep questioning it…” 

Levi looked up at his horse and let it lich his hand. “Yeah, that’s right. Lap it up. That’s the taste of success.”

“Nope,” Levi proceeded to flip backward over the back of the couch, landing on the floor behind them all.

“Levi? Levi don’t leave!” Hange yelled as they watched him get up and half-limp to the hallway.

Erwin cupped his hands around his mouth. “LEVIIII, I love you!” He then snickered.

“No, I’m fucking done. I’m fucking done!” Levi retorted.

“No you’re not,” Hange giggled.

“This is bullshit! This is fucking bullshit! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS MY LIFE?”

Hange fell off the couch in the space between the coffee table and the couch. “I’m stuck!” they continued to giggle.

“I can’t do it, Erwin!” Levi wanted to throw something.

“I can’t do it either!” Erwin replied, forgetting how to respond properly.

Levi looked at him in disbelief. “I can’t fucking do it anymore!” 

Erwin’s face immediately fell to seriousness. “Well I’ll tell ya what, Levi. You can give up now, or you can dig it out, because I certainly can’t do it without you, and I know you can’t do it without me!” 

“I appreciate it, but look what we’re dealing with, man!” Levi pointed at the TV for emphasis. “You’ve gotta draw the line somewhere! You gotta draw a fucking line in the sand, dude! You gotta make a statement! You gotta look inside yourself and say, ‘what am I willing to put up with today?’ NOT FUCKIN’ THIS”

…

“But I’m going to sit back down anyway because otherwise no one is leaving,” Levi reluctantly conceded.

No one cared or acknowledged the comment. 

Gunter continued, “all we gotta do is avoid titans, (Oluo grunted a yawn) get to your house, and find whatever FREAKY shit your parents got in their basement.”

All eyes were on Eren.

“Uhhhh,” Eren trailed off. “You know what, this is fine.” He twitched slightly at the statement.

Eren looked over at Gunter and said, “okay,” resigning himself before looking back down at the chart.

“Seems like your counterpart agrees,” Historia shrugged.

“The commander let the press know about our plans.” Gunther decided to drop on Eren. “ Everybody knows we headin’ to yo’ basement. So don’t get all butthurt. There’s a lot of bets ridin’ on what we gonna find down there.”

“..Bets?” Why was Eren even surprised at this point?

“Aight this is happening,” Connie readjusted his posture.

“My money’s on leather straps,” Eld admitted.

“Sex swings!” Petra chimed in.

“DIIILLDOOOOS!” Oluo shouted.

Gunther began rolling up the chart. “And My money’s on sweet, sweet panties. Ah.”

There was a short moment.

“Alright,” Gunther looked up at everyone, “that’s it for today. Let’s ROLLL out!”

“Thank god that’s over,” Eren let out a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. A flower fell from his hair which Mikasa promptly put back, adding another to the mix.

The sun set as the squad rode back to Utgard castle.

Eren was of course immediately given stable mucking as his chore.

He groaned as he shoveled the shit. Finishing, he walked out and saw the new recruits.

Oluo sipped from his mug.

“Wait, they’re my friends!” Eren informed Oluo.

“Mr. Oluo, can I PLEASE say hi to them?!”

“aaAAHAH! I don’t give a flying FUCK!” Oluo growled at the teen. “GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!”

“Thanks!” Eren ran over as Oluo grumbled one last time.

“Me too,” said Armin.

Mikasa looked at him.

“Oh shit, did I say that out loud?”

“..yes.”

“oops.”

“Armin! Mikasa!” 

The two stopped at the motion of their names.

“Eren?!” Mikasa’s voice shook slightly. 

“Look who’s part of the Survey Corps!” Eren showed off his cloak. “Jealous, right?!”

Mikasa raised her arms up slightly then lunged and grabbed his hands. The scene zoomed in as Mikasa gushed. “Oh my God, Eren. I’ve missed you so much. Are you okay? Let me see you. Oh God, you look pale! Have they been starving you?!”

“I’m fine,” Eren nearly sighed. Then he got a little quieter. “And...It’s good to see you too.”

“Aw, he does care! Young love at its finest!” Hange leaned dramatically on Erwin’s shoulder.

Eren and Mikasa blushed.

Mikasa’s face went dark, “I can’t believe what the captain did! If I ever get my hands on him, I’m gonna tie him down, strap him to a chair, (Levi (looking over at Mikasa): hmm?) and force him to listen to one of Armin’s fucked up dismemberment lectures.”

Levi looked over, unimpressed. 

“As if that would phase me. I used to live in the ghetto,” said Levi.

“Are you sure about that? This is Armin, we’re talking about,” Historia nudged her head in his direction.

“I have pictures now!” Armin said in the background. 

Levi led his horse away from the children.

“True,” Levi agreed.

“Yeahh. Jägermeister,” cheered Reiner. “Heh. Come here bro. Let’s huff some nar-nars!”

“Reiner, respectfully, no,” Eren smiled innocently.

“Eren’s here!”

“It’s great to have you back buddy!” Connie pitched in. “You saved our asses in Trost!”

Eren heard footsteps from behind and certainly didn’t expect a certain someone to be making them. 

“Hello, Eren.”

“Oh no. Rip,” Connie pat Jean’s back comfortingly. 

“Jean?! Wha- What are you doing here?” Eren stepped forward with a smile. “I never thought I’d say this but, I’m legitimately happy to see-”

“Marco’s dead,” Jean interrupted.

Silence.

…

“Not a great conversation starter, am I right?” Eren said flatly.

“Time and place, Eren,” Mikasa pinched his ear much to his dismay.

“Oh,” Eren deflated. “Wow.” He straightened out his back. “Wayyy to be a buzzkill.”

Jean looked down. “What came before doesn’t matter. I’m here now.”

“I thought he was always telling you to follow your dreams.”

Jean suddenly looked up. “I AM!”

“Oh! Ok buddy, calm down.”

“Marco is inside of me!”

“I- er…hm,” Jean struggled to find the words.

“We are definitely signing up for group therapy,” Hange declared. “We need at least someone who can effectively deal with their shit.”

…

“Armin, put your hand down. You are probably the least qualified individual besides Eren for the task.”

“I may be depressed, but at least I have an iced coffee,” Armin held up his cup.

Historia frowned and raised an eyebrow. “But you’re still depressed.”

“But I have an iced coffee.”

“Armin no-”

“Armin isn’t the one y’all should be worried about,” Sasha pointed out. “Eren is looking pretty sus over there.”

Eren looked at them mid swig then but his beer down, “oi, fuck off. I’m trying my best.”

“Say that to the fuck up in Marley.”

“...ok listen, that was planned.”

“Not very well.”

“I’m trying my best,” Eren said into his palm averted his eyes.

“OOOKAY, wow, that’s entirely too much information.”

“AND I MUST HONOR HIS LEGACY!”

“HEY BROTHERS!” Ness called out. “You know what’ll take your minds off your dead friends? NEW CLOTHES!”

The scene showed a bird’s-eye view of the cloaks then spun around until the logo was right side up and faded to the survey corp flag. The flag was swept away by Jean putting his cloak on. The others soon followed.

‘We’re finally here,’ Eren narrated as the scene panned across the backs of all the new members of the survey corp. ‘I almost can’t believe we’ve made it this far. How many will survive?’

Armin suppressed a snort.

The scene faded then reappeared to one month later.

The survey corp stood ready to go by the gate supplies and soldiers ready.

A child giggled so Eren looked down. 

Through a window the little shit said, “Look, man. They’re gonna die!”

“Cool!” his sister replied.

Eren stared at them, astonished.

“Damn the kids have great foresight these days,” Levi said.

“Oof,” said Sasha.

“The gate is rising!” a soldier shouted over his shoulder. “Prepare!”

The bells rang as the gate was lifted.

“ADVAAANCE!!!!”

“Onward!” Erwin led them out. “Onward! Begin operation: SPAAACE RAINBOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!”

The scene cut to black.

The ending theme played.

“Well that’s one way to end a chapter,” said Jean.

The scene cut to black again and reappeared with Erwin holding puppets. 

“Hoh! Hello Potts! How are you doing today?” asked the one on the right.

“Well Judy, I’m doing just fine. I went down to the commissary to get a sausage roll earlier today, and I must say, it was not satisfac-” the one on the right was cut off.

“Not satisfactory!”

“Not at all. No no.”

“You should talk to the head of the culinary arts in this academy for that.”

“Oh yes, I forget that we have a full staff of trained professionals that could cater to our every need.”

“Oh Greita! Is that a cooking pot!”

“I suppose it is, Judy! Order’s up!” 

They began to cackle as the scene stepped back, showing them that Erwin was alone.

“...let’s never speak of that ever again.”

Notes:

Chapters Written: 17 out of 20.

It's finally done lmao. I have a start on the next chapter but don't expect anything soon

Here's my ko-fi if you like this and wanna support me here!

Chapter 18: Episode 17: The Crimson King

Summary:

In which the Starbucks is acquired, Armin discovers love and no one can drink properly.

Notes:

Hey, at least this is faster than Slap's own schedule.

As another point tho, I'm hoping that I can make the next chapter a little more cohesive. It's been so long that I've legitimately forgotten what I've written so I'm hoping to get that sorted soon (which would possibly mean getting more content added to this chapter).

“Off to the next one then?” Hange broke the silence, snippining the loose ends of the yarn after weaving them in.

“Yeah, let’s,” Erwin nodded.

“Can we, like, have a nap first though? It’s getting kinda late…” Eren drifted slightly. 

“I mean, we are reaching midnight so I don’t see why not,” Hange nodded. “I suppose everyone should take a couch and a blanket from that stack behind all of them and we’ll reconvene at 0800 hours.”

“Fine by me,” Levi said, already on his side facing the back of his claimed couch.

~~~~~

“Now that we’re refreshed, back to the show! How many do we have again?” Hange asked with a stretch.

“I think we have 3 more,” Armin said, looking at the list by the moving picture on the screen.

“That’s of course, unless they add more parts of this crazy universe’s version of the past,” Erwin’s lips twitched upward.

 “Well, then hush and watch!” Hange insisted.

The opening theme played.

The scene panned across the destruction wrought by the titans. The survey corps rode on through the main street from the gate with Erwin leading. Hange looked up at a sound.

“On the left!” they announced. “Ten meter class, approaching! Support squad, defend the formation.”

The support squad zipped in towards the titans.

“Get in my belly!” said one of the titans as it swiped at the air for the soldier. The other soldier cut into its nape.

Jean snorted.

“Damn it! Not deep enough!” The soldiers watched as a small bit of flesh flew in the air, blood spouting from the titan.

“Oop.”

“Don’t you dare Eren.” Mikasa warned him.

“...”

“...”

“That’s what she said,” Armin cut in before the silence could get any less bearable.

Mikasa flicked his forehead.

“Ow!”

“That’s what she sa-” the first soldier cut off with a scream, dodging the hand of the titan once more.

“C’mere!” the titan swung again, destroying a nearby roof in an attempt to catch the guy. “Get the fuck over here!”

“Shit wait,” Sasha trailed off.

“AGH! JIMMY IT’S GOT ME! JIMMY IT'S GOT ME!!!” the soldier screamed into a warble.

Sasha watched in horror as the soldier continued to scream in the distance.

“Damn, yeah,” Connie whistled. “Kinda wonder if the other guy made it though.”

“He did,” Levi nodded. “But then he was eaten literally the next mission so that’s that I suppose.”

The soldier next to her grabbed her head and turned it back to face forward. “Turn your head! Even if you poo’ed!”

“Fuck off, that’s my line,” Levi scrunched his nose a bit.

Hange snorted. “There’ll be plenty more opportunities for you, I’m sure.”

The rest of the soldiers continued on in the formation, panning to Mikasa and Jean, Connie, Armin and Reiner, and eventually to Levi’s squad.

Then the scene changed to a little earlier.

“Okay kid,” said Gunther. “Before we get outside the walls, Erd gonna need to make a stop at Ye Olde Bong Shoppe while I’m pulling a Starbucks run.” 

“That’s a lot to unpack, holy shit.” Jean whistled. 

“What’s a bong?” asked Erwin.

Everyone turned to him.

“You’re not Joshing, right?” asked Sasha

“Joshing?”

“Weed.” Levi replied.

“Wha-”

“It’s weed,” Levi looked the man in the eyes.

“...Okay this is going to sound bad but, in this context I’m assuming you don’t mean invasive species and-”

“Oh my Walls Erwin, remember those brownies you ate after we said not to because they were Oluo’s?” 

“Yes?”

“That had weed in them.”

“Ah...”

The scene panned up to show Gunther, talking to Eren while Erd and Petra looked toward them and Oluo in the background, yawning.

Gunther continued, “Petra needs her pumpkin spice latte before the trip, or she’s gonna be a HEINOUS. BITCH.”

“How does one make spice from pumpkin?” Hange asked aloud.

Eren shuddered, “it’s a coffee flavoring from the mainland. It’s more to do with the spices they use to make pumpkin pie than actually using pumpkin. Kinda like a sweet potato pie?” Eren waved his hands a bit.

Eren looked back down at the formation diagram before the scene returned to the present.

“So…do you think my friends will make it?” Eren asked Oluo.

“All those muthafuckas gonna die,” Oluo replied as the scene showed all of his friends.

“I mean...” Armin trailed. “Close. Y’all die and we live for the most part.”

“...”

“What? Too soon? It’s been years.”

“Welp, I’m just internally cry myself to sleep since I can’t actually cry anymore since my body has stopped perceiving tears as a useful mechanic,” Levi deadpanned.

“Damn, that’s kinda metal though.” 

“What?! Why?!”

“Because I can smell a pussy from five miles away in a snowstorm,and this group smells like the return pile at Victoria’s Secret!” Oluo bit his tongue to punctuate his thought. The screen went red and inner screaming was heard. 

“I felt that, damn.” Connie winced. 

“The fact that he does that so often is frankly amazing,” Jean nodded.

Soon the Survey Corps were out of the town and were running onto the country. 

Erwin extended his left arm out. “Activate Long-Range Scouting Formation!”

“Peace out bitches!” Reiner steered over toward his squad.

Jean steered off as well. “See you at the rendezvous.”

Armin’s voice went low as he watched Jean leave. “So you hope, Jean.” 

“Bro, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“...”

“Armin, no-”

“Oh, don’t worry, Jean…Don’t worry…”

“Ok, now I’m worried.”

“No, no I wanna see how this ends.” Sasha grabbed the popcorn.

“Eh, I’m good actually,” Armin shrugged.

Armin turns his head back to face forward and sees a titan in the distance. Then there's a ringing and the trotting of the horses grows fainter. ‘It’s okay…Calm down Armin!’ his inner monologue pitched higher. “You don’t need any more happy gas, you’ve had enough!”

“Ok ok, but the real question is, can I have some?” asked Mikasa.

Everyone looked over to her.

“What? I deal with all of you guys’ bullshit all the time and when I wanna be irresponsible the one time I get everyone on my ass? Fuck off.”

Levi went back to his tea. “Fair ’nough.”

A crow caw breaks through the ringing.

“We can’t WAIT until your friends DIE!” said one crow.

To with the other continued, “we’re EVIIILLLLLLLL!”

Armin turned his head back again. ‘Maybe I should huff some more…just a nip!’

“Mood.”

“Do we need to ban you from the gas?”

“Hange, I understand this coming from Erwin, but you?”

“Levi, I have knitting needles and I’m not afraid to use them.”

“...I think I’m with Mikasa for once.”

A signal flare was shot. 

Armin squeaked. ‘Loud noise!’

The flare was red.

Then the scene shifted to the briefing they had the day before.

“We’ve equipped you all with signal flares to alert the rest of the group to titan positions,” said Ness as the scene shifted to a soldier using a red flare in the field. “Or to kill yourself by firing at point blank range should you long for the sweet release of death.”

“I mean-”

Mikasa cut him off, “Eren no.”

Another soldier a distance away in the formation fired another red flare. “Red for titans!” Erwin fired off a red flare. “Green for formation changes!” Another soldier fired a green flare in the distance as the scene panned back to Erwin. “Using this system, we effectively transform ourselves into a kickass, long-range, titan-scouting, freedom-loving badass brigade of death machines! OHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHH!”

“He’s a lot more enthusiastic than I remember.” Jean scrunched his nose. 

“I feel like you say that about every person in that universe,” said Historia. “Although I’m still a little sad about the orgies.”

“Yeah, Connie ruined everything.” Sasha nodded.

“How did this conversation move from Ness to shitting on Connie.” Connie whined.

“Hey, I’m not the one who ruined them,” Jean put his hands up in mock surrender.

Connie groaned.  

The scene shifted to a moving arrow diagram of the formation as it dodged titans and moved towards the objective. 

The scene was back on Ness. “GOD I LOVE THESE PRIMARY COLORS BROTHER! YEAH!!!” 

The scene moved towards village ruins, highlighting parts of the formation on a diagram in the upper right corner. “Now some of you might be out there.” Sasha rode into view.  “And all of a sudden some freaky abnormal titan just bursts out of nowhere. In that case you are completely, irrevocably, FUCKED!!!”

Then an abnormal crashed through the ruins and stared right at Sasha. “BLA-DOWWWWWWW. I’M HERE BITCH!!! I came to par-taaay!”

“Oh my Walls that timing,” Armin said in a high voice as he tried to contain his giggles.

Sasha yelped into a scream as she steered her horse away from the titan, narrowly avoiding a bite-strike. 

“Red flare! Red flare! Save me!” Sasha cried as she fumbled with the flare, dropping it onto the ground.

Then Jean and his partner rode into view, Jean shooting off a red flare. Jean then shouted, “Sasha! Sasha! Stop running in a straight line!”

Sasha looked at them in confusion. “What?”

“Serpentine!” the other soldier insisted. “SERPENTINE!!!”

“Hey, in my defense there was a giant fuck off guy coming at me.”

“I mean, fair but we value your undeath.”

“Aw thanks Connie. I value your undeath too.”

“Ew, feelings.”

“Shut up Eren. Go be emo somewhere else.”

“...no” 

“Well I tried,” Jean shrugged.

But Sasha was understandably too freaked out to make rational choices and instead chanted her stealth noise. “Nenenenenenenenenenenenene…” 

“Oh man I forgot about the stealth sound,” Connie cackled into Sasha’s ear. 

“I didn’t know we adopted hyenas,” Historia said.

“Adopted? No, they found us then wouldn’t leave us alone,” said Levi.

The titan went in for another strike but Sasha once again avoided it. “I am not a potato!”

“I’m a kawaii potato.”

“That is unbelievably accurate,” nodded Erwin.

Jean and the other soldier then came into the titan’s view.

“Let’s show her how it’s done!” said the soldier to Jean.

“Right!” Jean agreed.

“Break off!” The other soldier then lured the titan over to the right with a war cry.

“I’m coming to get you. I’m coming ta get you — AWWWHHHH!!!” The titan went face first into a tree. “SONNY BONO!” 

“Um, thank you!” Sasha shouted to the soldier.

“Next time I say dodge, YOU FUCKING DODGE!” the soldier replied, leading her off to go with them. 

Red smoke was in the air.

Armin looked off in the distance toward his right until another flare fired off. ‘A black flare?! We never went over this! Either everyone’s dead, or….or…or Voldemort’s returned…’ Shrill strings started playing in the background as Armin fired off his own black flare.

A picture fell onto the table.

“...”

“Eyo why do this man ain’t got no nose,” asked Connie.

“Dude, you can’t just ask people why they don’t have noses!” Jean shoved Connie.

“Aight but who is he?” asked Sasha around a bite of dino nuggies. 

A note fell to the table.

Armin picked it up. “Your mom spelt U R. Wait no it unfolds…Apparently he tried to become immortal and kept losing to a kid for 17 years until he died. Unfortunate.”

“Honestly, mood,” said Eren.

Mikasa flicked his forehead.

Two soldiers were seen running from the forest when suddenly a strutting titan came out of the trees and a song with a high pitched singer accompanied, singing nonsensical syllables.

“Look out everyone!” cried Ness. “We’ve got a retarded baby chasing us!”

“It’s not a baby, it’s a titan!” the other scout screamed back.

“Get out of here with that liberal horseshit! I know a retarded baby when I see one, AND THAT RIGHT THERE IS A RETARDED BABY BROTHER!”

“It doesn’t fucking matter!”

“Oh my Walls, I’m with that guy. Please just focus on not dying,” Historia shook her head.

“There is a distinction, brother, and I DEMAND you respect it!”

“Whatever! It’s a retarded baby! Now kill it!” 

Ness snapped on his blades. ‘It’d be easier with three people, but we can’t get Armin in on this! After all, he’s too green! And he might be a queer.’

Without missing a beat Armin got up and sat on Eren’s lap facing the other man. He dragged a finger up the other’s chin before cupping his cheek and leaning in slightly. 

“Oh baby-” Connie said under his breath.

Levi whistled.

There was a slight glint in Hange’s glasses. And hopefully not drool

Eren put his hand around Armin’s hips, then drifted them lower.

A few moments passed.

“So there,” Armin then got up and went back to his spot.

“Y’know what? Slay gurl,” Sasha said.

“I live to exceed expectations.”

Then Ness shifted up to stand on the horse. “Screw it, let's go!” shooting a hook onto the titan’s ankle, Ness pulled himself toward the titan and cut its achilles. There was a scratching sound as the titan fell down.

“NOW, LUKE, YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD!” Ness called out to his companion.

“How is this man gay but homophobic?”

“I mean, have you seen him, Connie?”

“I know, Jean, but it just seems so impossible.”

“Improbable,” Hange corrected, finishing off another ribbed cuff.

“Yeah, that.”

With a cry, Luke took a large chunk from the titan’s nape.

“Hell yeah Brother!”

“Holy shit, I am WIRED!!! Did you see that beautiful flip I did?!”

“That was some glorious, if entirely unnecessary shit if I do say so myself. Great job brother! Oooh yeah!”

“Hey, it was a very practical. All of us move like that all the time.” said Connie.

“Nah.” Mikasa replied.

“.. fair nuff.”

Armin watched the scene over in the distance with a smile. ‘My first death! And it was an abortion too!’

Levi inhaled out of shock into his tea. Then he started violently coughing as Erwin handed him a napkin. 

“Goddamnit.” His voice was a little raspy.

Thanks for waiting on me, Bubblegum Nebula.” Ness hopped back onto his horse. “Now let’s go kill some more titans!” 

As the scene moved to the left, a figure was seen running off in the distance towards everyone. 

Luke looked behind them. “Oh crap, we’ve got another one.”

“So soon?!” Ness looks back. “Holy shit, it’s a female, too! Never seen that before.”

“Wanna use the same tactic?”

“Hell yeah! First a retarded baby, now a woman. God I love my job.” Ness turned back to Luke. “Alright! Let’s see if she has a vagina–”

There was a war cry in the distance.

“No titan puthy,” Hange deflated.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but on behalf of Annie, what the actual fuck??” asked Jean.

“No titan dick either,” Mikasa frowned.

Eren’s ears went a little pink.

“Just ignore it, Jean. Spare yourself the grief.” Armin said, not at all phased. Perhaps he’s been hanging out with Hange too much.

“Oh holy shit!” Ness looked back at the rapidly approaching titan. 

“Get the fuck outta my way, I got shit to DO!!!” she said as she ran between Luke and Ness.

“Bestie, it’s not that deep,” Historia said. 

“Yeah,” Sasha nodded. “Honestly, if they had just forgotten about their stupid mission, we could’ve had that sweet ‘ignorance is bliss’ thing going for us.”

“But alas,” Connie finished.

“No time for hokey-pokey. We need to double team this bitch NOW, Luke!” shouted Ness.

Then Armin shot off the black flare while watching the rapidly approaching female titan. “A woman without skin…it’s real”

“I mean, you also don’t have skin when you transform.”

“That’s besides the point, Connie. This is a woman.”

“Armin, misogyny? In this economy?” Historia shook her head.

“Don’t act like we don’t spend half the budget on improving the gear. All in all, I think our funds are high enough for that.”

“Do I need to come over there?” Levi peered from the rim of his cup.

That shut them up.

Ness looks back to Luke. “GIVE HER THE ATOMIC DROP!!! OOOHHHHH YEEEAAAHHHH!!!!!” 

Luke used his ODM gear to grapple onto the titan’s nape, and with a battle cry, he reeled himself in but was bitch slapped out of the air.

“Surprise!” the titan said with a sing-songy voice.

“OH HOLY SHIT!” Ness was grabbed by the wire on his gear and thrown down to the ground. “BROTHERRRR.” he said in deep pitched slow motion. 

“Yup, nope,” said Eren.

The female titan dug her heel into the ground to stop her momentum.

Armin continued to stare. ‘There she is. A giant, ravenous angel of death. The arbiter of destruction. Everything I’ve ever desired…’

“Armin, are you blus-”

“nO!”

“Bro chill,” Jean raised his hands in mock surrender.

The female titan began making her way towards Armin. He let out a high-pitched whine as he pulled the horse to his left.

“This can’t be! It’s not real, Armin!” he said to himself. “This is why Eren always told you to mix it right because then the hallucinations start kicking in! You’ve had too much gas! She can’t exist! THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS CAN’T BE TRYING TO EAT YOU!”

“Anything is possible,” Eren shrugged.

Levi inhaled. “I can’t believe I have to say this again but, don’t add to the population, and don’t subtract from the population, children.”

“Where ya gonna run ya little bitch?! Where ya gonna run?!” the female titan taunted.

“It’s not real. It’s not real!” Armin kept chanting. “RUN AWAY FROM YOUR DREAMS, ARMIN! IT’S NOT REAAAAL!” Armin lost his grip on the second horse. “No! My herbivorous friend!” Then Armin looked up at the titan stepping above him. ‘I looked up and gazed into the abyss as the creature I loved bore down upon me. And one final thought came to mind:’ “Oh. So that’s why I’m not allowed in the girl’s bathroom.”

“In my defense, the only girl I knew for a while was Mikasa, and she can pick me up with one hand like I’m nothing.”

“Yeah. on the other hand, my dad was a doc-”

“WE GET IT,” the room shouted.

The scene changed to an image of the formation that was captioned: operation Space Rainbow; The idea for the Long-Distance Scouting Formation came after a particularly bitchin’ game of tetris; The outer flank’s motto: “First to try, first to die.”; Command is in the center. The other flanks are reserved for groundlings.

Then the image changed into the formation in an arrow and was captioned: fun in the Empire!; Opening Day at the Wall Maria Waterpark was ruined by the sudden appearance of Titans; “Ah god, someone peed in the pool.”; “It’s like we’re in a Fallopian tube.”; Danger Zone; Technically everywhere on this map is dangerous; Thrills! Chills! Spills!

“I don’t know what a waterpark is but if it’s just water + park I’m gonna be pissed,” said Historia.

“I mean it’s more like the carnival but with water in the rides and more swimming,” Eren clarified.

She nodded with pursed lips. “Alright.”

The scene resumed to the female titan’s running as Armin screamed before getting thrown off his horse by the force of her steps. He landed with a pained grunt. “Ugh, I fell on my keys…”

“Felt that,” Jean cringed.

Then the female titan jumped over to where he was and kneeled.

‘Senpai noticed me!’ Armin thought excitedly. 

“Hell yeah she did,” Connie smirked.

“Connie, shove it,” said Armin.

The titan’s hand reached over toward Armin.

‘For the first time in my life…’

Closer.

‘I have FEELINGS…’

“Oh you sweet summer child,” Sasha shook her head.

Connie raised a brow. “Bitch, like you weren’t pissing yourself not even two minutes ago.” 

She took off his hood. “Now, who the fuck are you?” 

Their eyes met.

“You are so beautiful,” Armin stared.

“Ah, shit,” said Annie.

“Canon.”

“I ship it.”

“Aruani for life, y’all.”

“I can’t with you three,” Armin put his palms into his hands as the middle couch snickered.

“Take me,” said Armin dreamily.

“God…dammit.” Annie cursed again.

“Wait.”

“Ah shit.” She began to leave.

“No.”

“Ah shit.”

“No!”

“Shit.”

“Don’t leave me!”

“Shit.”

“Wait for me!” Armin yelled out as she resumed running. “I HAVE LITTLE LEGS!”

“You hate it when she leaves but you loooove watching her go,” Connie wiggled his eyebrows.

“Connie, seriously, I will end you,” Armin stared at the other man straight in the eye.

But she left. Armin frowned at the titan leaving him all alone. “What is this? The cruel sting of rejection. The bleak agony of despair! Come back, my sweet! My beautiful angel! My…my,” Armin brought a hand up to cup his cheek. 

“Oh?” Hange’s glasses glinted.

His voice grew grave and deep. “...my PRECIOUS...” 

“Uhhhhhhh,” Jean’s jaw dropped.

“Ar-meen!!!” a voice called out. Armin looked towards the voice. Reiner pulled a horse towards the other boy. “Get up, this is no time to look for caterpillars bro! Here, hop on!”

“OK then,” Jean nodded, still unsure but whatever.

Soon the pair were chasing after the female titan.

“I’ve had so much Sky, bro I don’t even know if I can hold it all down—WHOA! Wait…Why the fuck are we following this bitch?!”

“I kind of like how stupid Reiner is here,” said Historia. “It almost makes up for the fact that he busted a hole in the wall and killed a bunch of us.”

“You’ve jinxed it. Somehow it’s gonna turn out that he’s five-heading us and has the entire thing in the bag,” Connie said.

“Well shit…anyways.” 

“I have to catch up to her,” said Armin with determination. “But first…I need MORE…” He proceeded to struggle with the flare gun. “Argh…Come on!” 

Jean fired a flare from behind them.

Reiner looked back. “Yeeeaaaahhh!!! Fuckin Jean is here, fuckin’ I’m here, riding deep bro. WHOOO!” 

Yellow flares continued to be shot in the distance. 

Jean caught up with the other two. “The right flank has been completely massacred! A group of abnormals came charging at us and whipped everyone out!” The scene showed an image of titans swarming the scouts. “We need to alert Command. The formation is compromised!”

“Nah, we’re fine,” Armin waved it off.

“Dude’s been huffing too much gas,” Connie pointed a thumb to Armin.

Armin shrugged. “What can I say? At least it’s not Voldemort.”

“Fair.”

The scene shifted to Armin. “There’s a more pressing matter at hand!” He turned to face the titan again, voice serious. “Specifically…HER.”

Jean looked over. “What?! That titan?”

“It’s a human in a titan’s body,” Armin explained. “Just like Eren.” The scene changed to a flashback of Luke and Ness. “When her neck was targeted, she killed the other scouts. She doesn’t kill to eat, she just kills to…kill…”

“-9 out of 10 points Armin, come on. I taught you better comebacks than that.” Levi set his cup down and poured more tea from the pot.

“You taught me shit.”

“You’re damn right about that.”

The scene changed back to the present as Armin continued. “Which makes her the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“LES-BEEEEE-AAAANNN!” Reiner shouted.

“Didn’t we just go over why I wasn’t allowed in the girl’s bathroom?”

“This man is brawn over brains. Like literally. How can you blame him?” Jean retorted.

“Mans allocated all his points into vitality and defense.”

Jean turned towards Armin. “How did YOU survive?”

“Cause girls don’t hurt each other, bro! Vag Code 101!” Reiner helpfully explained.

Armin ignored it. “She spared me. I was helpless and at her disposal, but she chose to let me live. I can’t explain it, but somehow we’re connected, on a deeper level! She can’t bring herself to kill me, which means I may be the only one who can tame the wild tempest that is a woman’s love.”

Just then some guy busted a hole in the wall and stuck his face in. “Are you sure about that?” Then he left.

“...ok what the fuck?” Levi asked.

“There’s a note here…” Hange picked it up. “His name is…John Cena?”

A fanfare played in the back.

“...Odd.” Erwin said.

Jean just gave him a look. “What?”

“We HAVE to catch up to her!” Armin insisted.

“FUCK NO, we’re not going over there!”

“Yeah bro,” Reiner agreed, “fuck that!”

“Yeah, no I agree with Reiner on this one.”

“Nah, Jean. We gotta,” Armin said.

“But we must!”

“See. I said what I said.”

Reiner grew serious. “Armine, I respect all the dedication to the fur burger, but I am NOT fucking with that giant BITCH.”

Armin stared off at the titan. “Look, both of you! Look where she’s running! The center of the formation! Who’s at the center of the formation?!”

“Ah…shit.” 

“Yeah, I can’t believe it’s been so long though,” Armin nodded to Levi. 

Levi shook his head.

“Command is…” Jean started weakly.

“That,” Armin agreed, “and probably Eren too!”

“WAIT,” said Reiner, “Eren’s there?!”

“It’s the only logical conclusion,” Armin stated grimly.

“SHIT dude, we have got to get this bitch!”

Jean turned to them. “What the hell, Reiner?!” 

“NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!! EREN’S THE FUCKING MAN BRO. HE’S ALL ROIDED OUT. NOBODY ELSE IS BRINGING IT LIKE HIM! We can’t let this bitch touch Major Jäger!”

“Bitch, no??” said Armin. 

“He’s literally baby in that universe,” Mikasa nodded.

“And I’m also sitting right here…”

“Hush, child,” Armin put a finger in Eren’s face. “The adults are talking.”

“He’s right,” said Armin. “First thing’s first. We have to lure her away from the formation. There are too many people who could interfere.”

Jean couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You mean ‘help.’”

“NO!” Armin shot him down. The objective is to slow her down and keep her away from the group, using as few people as possible! We’ll provide a distraction for them, and maybe, just maybe, it’ll be enough time to allow them to escape. As for ourselves, well…We’ll have to wing it from here.”

“WING it?!” Jean paused. “Armin, you never go into anything without a plan! What is it you’re plotting??”

“Yup, nope. I can see where this is going,” Jean leaned forward to get up and leave but was stopped by two tugs on his shirt.

He sighed then sat back down.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Connie crossed his arms. “If we’re all here taking it you gotta take it with us.”

“I don’t even know why we’re here anymore.”

“Just to suffer,” Eren offered.

Mikasa inhaled. “Eren, no.”

“DON’T YOU GET IT, JEAN?!!!” growled Armin. “IT’S NOT ABOUT US ANYMORE! Right now the future of the Survey Corps, the future of ALL humanity, is at risk! We are the ONLY ones who can stop it! Think about why we fight, Jean! We fight for a better world! Marco saw this better world, and he wished it for all of us!” 

The scene flashed to Marco and their cadet training. 

“But now, that world is at risk.” 

The scene then changed to their first mission. 

“Will you sit on the sidelines and watch his dreams VANISH?! Or will you ride with me into battle.” 

The scene moved back to the present as Armin continued, “and give everything you’ve got, until your last, final, DYING BREATH?!”

“In a way, the creepy one has a point. Even if it’s laced with ulterior motives like the inner wall politicians,” said Levi.

Reiner added softly, “c’mon brah. We’ve got this. Poundtown Forever.”

“Unlike this one. He’s just a fucking crackhead.” Levi took another sip of his tea.

Jean winced a smile. “We really got screwed over in this life, didn’t we?” Then he turned to face forward. “But if that is our fate, then so be it.” Jean flashed back to the pyre. “I’ll make your charred bones proud, Marco!” 

“Eepy,” Sasha cringed.

The scene moved back to the present. “We shall ride eternal, SHINY AND CHROME!!!” Jean turned to the two. “LET’S. FUCKING. DOOO THISSSSSS!!!!”

“Action Jackson, fuck yeeeeeah!” Reiner cheered. “I fucking love you bros!”

“I fucking love you too Reiner!” Jean shouted back. “Let us ride into the fray one last time!”

Armin pulled up his hood. “Then throw your hoods up.” 

Jean stared at Armin.

“IT’S TIME TO REGULATE ON A BITCH.”

“Y’all cringe.”

“Better cringe than dead, Historia.”

“Connie, I feel like a lot of problems would be solved if I died. Y’know, being the descendent of Ymir and all.”

“Gurl, no. Then we’d have to deal with that one’s half brother.” He pointed a thumb to Eren.

“That’s not a very high bar but whatever, I’ll take it.”

Tense music began to play as the three enacted their plan.

They split off to surround the female titan.

‘Alright,’ thought Jean. ‘Just draw its attention for as long as possible. Keep it in one spot…Maybe if we cut the achilles tendon…’

(Reiner singing in the background: BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN EVERYWHERE)

‘...Yeeeah, so Reiner’s probably not gonna be much help.’

“I’m a little surprised you didn’t just assume at that point,” said Connie

“To be fair, we’re all kinda stupid in that world,” Jean pointed out.

“That world is just a lil silly,” said Sasha.

“Eren, where did you get another bottle?” Armin said suddenly.

Everyone turned and lo and behold.

“Armin, I’ve had this the whole time. You’ve just now noticed?”

“Well, I’m actually more so surprised that Mikasa hasn’t done anything about it yet.”

“That’s because she’s drunk.”

Armin turned. “Mikasa?

“..” She didn’t even blink.

“Well damn.”

Levi turned back to Hange. “So are we just not gonna do anything or?”

“I mean, this would be good chance to test a theory I’ve had…”

“So no. Got it.”

Armin’s eyes were trained on the titan. ‘I have no idea if these two will suffice for my plan. After all, there’s no way men like us could take her down. But Mikasa’s no man…’ 

The scene shifted to Mikasa being badass.

‘...and I’m pretty sure Captain Levi qualifies as a hobbit.’ Levi joined the montage.

“Fuck off. I was malnourished.”

“Big words, Levi!” Hange teased.

“Eat shit, four-eyes.”

‘They’ll have to do, if the time comes.’

Jean kissed his right blade before getting up to go to the titan.

She looked back. “What the fuck!”

‘Oh no,’ said Armin as the female titan dug in her heels once more to avoid getting hooked. 

She turned around. “Oooooh, you’ve pissed me off now!” She started running back over. “C’mere! I’m gonna SPANK that ass!” She swiped Armin and the horse, launching them both into the air in opposite directions.

“Kinky,” said Eren.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you,” Armin retorted.

“At least I know what I like.”

“Well, y’know what they say: pussy can’t change a man but pegging can make him rethink what he’s done.”

Armin screamed then landed on his back before dislodging his ODM gear and rolling away.

Jean started off toward him. “ARMIN HANG ON!”

The horse ended up landing by Reiner, who was still on horseback. “WHOA!!!”

Armin laid on the ground, blood caked over his eyes. He opened his eyes to see the titan once more meeting his gaze.

“Holy shit, how do you not have severe brain damage?” asked Connie.

“Spite and lack of mass.”

“Yeah, that checks.”

“You again?” she mused. “Really?”

“Yes,” Armin said, eyes sparkling. “Come to me…my waifu…”

Jean ran up before engaging his gear. “DAMMIT!”

“Me too, other me.”

The female titan immediately turned around and attempted to punch Jean, narrowly missing. Jean continued to circle the titan but she covered her nape with her hand.

“Jean!” Reiner called out.

‘It protected its neck!’ Jean clenched his jaw. ‘How did it know?’

“Because she’s a bitch.” Historia scrunched her nose.

The titan watched from the corner of her eye. “I’ve got you nooooowwwww…”

Jean looked in horror as he saw her fist, ready. ‘SHIT! This is it! Once it grabs me I’m done!’

Armin sat up with a groan.

The female titan’s fist started moving back towards Jean.

Then the blond screamed, “WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?!!!”

Jean froze. “Holy shi-”

The titan stopped.

“I AM THE CRIMSON KING! ANOINTED IN BLOOD AND DESTINED TO CLAIM YOU BY MY SIDE!!!”

‘Now to stick the landin–’ Jean crashed into a tree.

“LOOK UPON THESE TWO SACRIFICES I’VE BROUGHT TO YOU AND USE THEM AS YOU WILL!”

Jean gets up. “What the fuck is going on with Armin?!”

“Many things,” Armin shrugged. “But that’s a given, apparently.”

Armin continued, “THEIR SOULS ARE YOURS (Reiner: Fuckin’ Turbo Time!) TO TAKE AND ONCE YOU JOIN MY SIDE, (Jean: wait, Reiner NO!!!) WE SHALL TAKE SO, SO MANY MORE!”

“YOLOOOOOOOO!!!” Reiner jetted up towards the titan only to land in her grip.

“I AM ARMIN ARLERT, (Jean: FIGHT REINER, FIGHT!) FIRST OF HIS NAME.”

Reiner screamed out.

“Finally-”

Jean shushed Connie. “Nope.”

Jean yelled back. “USE YOUR RETARD STRENGTH!”

“KING OF THE UNKNOWN,” Armin continued. “(Jean: THINK OF YOUR FAVORITE CRAYONS!) RULER OF THE UNBORN. (Reiner whimpered: …sunset orange…) THE GRAND SPECTATOR OF SPACE AND TIME, (Jean: Reiner keep fighting!) AND MY WILL SHALL NOT BE DENIED!!!”

“You really need to lay off the gas station weed, Armin,” said Levi.

“Mans allocated his points into charisma and Satan,” said Connie.

“Nah, let him cook,” Hange waved them off.

“...Periwinkle blue!..” Reiner struggled within the female titan’s grasp.

“YES!” Armin encouraged. “CRUSH HIM! CRUSH HIM MY DARK QUEEN! (Reiner: Tickle Me Pink!) (Jean: You can do it!) LET US CONSUMMATE OUR FUTURE ON THE REMNANTS (Reiner: …fuzzy..wuzzy..brown…) OF HIS MANGLED CORPSE!!! (Reiner: …MANATEE!!!) CRUSH HIM! (Jean: REINER NOOOOOO–) CRUSH HIM!”

“BROOOOOOO–” screamed Reiner as the titan’s thumb came up and over his head. 

The hand twitched and blood sprayed.

“I dunno, man. Seems pretty definitive there, Jean.”

“Connie, actually shut up. You’ve literally jinxed it.”

Jean’s weight shifted back. “Nuh–No…Not Reiner…Who’s going to stand outside and cheer me on while I’m taking a dump now? Who’s going to insist on playing ‘Does This Look Like a Vagina’ every lunchtime?”

Erwin choked.

“Erwin, you repressed bastard.” Levi sighed.

“He died a virgin,” Hange shrugged. And that was another pair of socks done. They threw the pair at Mikasa who caught it with ease despite being dazed.

“Can we not?” the man pleaded weakly.

Levi and Hange looked at each other. 

“Nah.”

Then there was a blur around the female titan’s hand as Reiner burst out. “CRAYOOOOOOLA!!!!” Then he landed and ran over to Armin to pick him up. “Run the fuck away. Bad trip bro, bad trip!”

As the two left the scene, the female titan stared at her steaming hand as it healed.

Reiner continued running with Armin tucked under his arm. “THAT IS THE LAST FUCKING TIME, WE FOLLOW ARMINE’S PLAN!” 

Jean runs beside them. “Armin, was this whole thing a plot to get close to her???! We could have DIED! You inconsiderate fuck!”

“That was the plan. How else was I supposed to get her?”

“Just because she’s a shifter, doesn’t mean she’s a crackhead like you.” Jean pointed.

“Well, this mission is almost over if I recall. So at least there’s that.” Armin supplied.

Levi’s eye twitched at the memory. 

“Bro!” Reiner shouted as Armin moaned. “Just run! There’s bad this back there bro!”

Jean growled. “I’M RUNNING!”

“Uhh,” Reiner looked back. “Good. It’s not chasing us anymore. Now I’ve got time to change my pants.”

Armin looked back. ‘For the first time in my life, I had found love. And there I watched as she galloped away, like a graceful antelope into the night.’

The ending theme played.

“Well, shit. How is Armin gonna top that speech?” Jean said. 

“Yeah, that was pretty impressive,” Connie nodded.

“No, the real question is if that was Armin while high, then how messed up is he sober?” Sasha pointed out. “I need to know what’s running through that mind now.”

Eren glanced to the side. “In any case, the list on the side looks pretty close to the end, so who knows. Maybe they all die at the end of the mission.” 

“Oh Walls, how long have we been here?” said Sasha as she stretched and popped a few joints.

“We just go to day two. You say that like it’s been years,” said Jean.

Hange suddenly shouted “Levi no-”

The man in question was pouring water from the teapot directly onto a tea bag that was his mouth, the string dangling by his cheek.

“Not the first time he’s done that,” Erwin shrugged.

“The fuck??” Jean’s voice raised a pitch.

“Hm?” Levi looked at Hange.

“Come on, you know I hate being the adult here.”

“It’s faster though.”

“But you have a cup.”

“And I have free will. Your point?”

“Nevermind.”

Notes:

Please leave a comment below and I'll get the next one out when I can 👌

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of AOT reacts to abridged