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“I wonder what he thinks of me”
“Who?”
“Shindo.”
He can feel Langa freeze next to him. It has been twenty minutes since they finished and he is still here. A break in routine in this messed up thing they have going on.
“Why are you bringing him up”
A snort reaches its way up Reki’s throat. “Can’t say his name in bed with me?”
The forbidden word. Ainosuke, Shindo, Adam, whatever you call Langa’s husband. Sometimes Reki laughs at himself at the cliche situation he got himself trapped in. He's fucking his boss husband. When he first saw aquamarine eyes at a work convention, he never expected this is where they would be. Five months later, sweat and other bodily fluids drying on their body and having a conversation about one’s husband.
“When you come home, does he smell me on you?” He leans in towards the other man, ghosting over his lips. If Langa can break routine, then so can he. Besides, it's his first time doing pillowtalk, he has to go all out.
“Reki stop.”
He falls back into the pillows and turns on his side to face him. “We do wear very different sprays, you with your fancy Vera Wang or Dolce and Gabbana.”
“Reki, what's the meaning of this-”
“When you walk in the door, does he lean up beside you, goes to kiss your neck and questions you on your different smell.” He imitates what he’s saying, spooning Langa, kissing his neck between his words, hesitation on the last part.
“This is very unbecoming of you.” Langa scoffed, discomfort written all over his face. He slowly starts to lean back, attempting to leave this conversation.
Unfortunately for him, Reki isn’t done.
Unfortunately for Langa, Reki has been dying to do this. He hates routine, hates repetition. That's what this has been for too long, a routine. Langa calls, he comes, he cums, then he leaves. So sue Reki for seeing this opportunity for something new and taking it. It doesn’t help that he finds such joy at seeing Langa’s resolve break.
“I wonder what he’ll think of me then. Actually, I wonder what he’ll think of you. His precious husband, his eve, coming home with the smell of another man. OH the SCANDAL.” He exclaimed in mock shock, a hand splayed over the other man’s chest.
The taller man leaps out of bed. “You know what, I’ve had enough. I’m leaving now. Goodnight Reki.”
“So that's your breaking point.” he snorts.
Satisfied with the outcome of the night, Reki relaxes against the pillows. “Goodnight Mr. Shindo.” he sing-songs with a devilish smirk gracing his lips.
Langa leaves the room with a huff.
~
Langa doesn’t come back for two weeks.
It seems Reki still hasn’t dropped the subject.
“He does know about me, right?”
“Yes Reki.” Langa sighs, still here half-hour since he came. He’s usually gone in ten minutes. It's like he’s asking for it by staying. “He knows all of his employees.”
“What’s his opinion of me? And before you say anything, I’m genuinely curious.”
“He sees you as my friend and employee. Pretty neutral actually.”
“Mmh. Does he suspect anything?” Reki looks up at Langa under half closed eyes. Another genuine question. It would be terrible if his boss found out about this.
Questioning the “what ifs?” in a situation like this causes fear to creep up Reki’s body.
‘What if he hires someone to follow him?’
‘What if he’s tracking him?’
‘What is he already knows and is waiting for the moment to blackmail me with it?’
There’s always the underlying fear that maybe one day Langa is too careless and leaves behind a trail for Shindo to follow. Everytime Langa comes over, there’s always a fear that Shindo will bust through that door with all of the evidence to ruin Reki’s life.
“No. And if he did it wouldn’t matter.”
“And why would that be?”
A beat.
“He’s cheating on me with his secretary.”
Talk about dropping a bomb.
That's truly unfortunate, both husbands cheating on each other, one after the other- Wait, “Is that what this is? A retaliation?”
“No” Langa assures, “I don’t come here because of that.”
“So why do you come over?”
Langa leans over to Reki and gives him the softest smile he’s ever seen on his supervisor's face. “I come over because I enjoy being with you.”
Langa can sometimes be a dick because, well shit. If Reki wasn’t in love then, then he is definitely in love now.
“Thanks. I guess.”
For the first since the start of this pillowtalk, Reki can’t figure out what to say. Langa and his stupid smiles.
Langa suddenly pipes up. “I’m sorry.” he grimaces, “This, out of all places, is the wrong one to be talking about my marriage problems.”
Reki forced a smile on his face. “It’s fine. I’m here to listen if you need me to.” Too soft, too soft, too soft, too soft. too so-
“Thank you” Langa replied with another way too soft smile.
And with that Langa gathers his clothes and prepares to leave.
“Good Night Reki.”
“Good night Langa”
~
Reki calls him this time.
It takes 5 minutes for Langa to arrive.
As soon as he enters the door, Reki is on him, kissing his neck and feeling up his chest.
Last time Langa came over, Reki had allowed feelings to invade and attempt to ruin this lovely thing that they have going on. Reki was too vulnerable. Fuck that soft shit . This is strictly sex. That's what this started as and that's how it's going to stay. Feelings have no room in this nonexistent relationship.
“Did he see my message?” His face tucked in the crook of Langa’s neck.
“I don’t think so.”
“Mmn.” Reki smirks. “I wonder if he did. What would he think, his husband getting messages at this time of night.”
He drags the taller man into bed and straddles him. He murmurs in his ear, “Would he get jealous? Seeing his husband drop everything for another man.”
Neither of them are sure if Reki is joking or not. On one hand, Reki knows that taunting Langa with his husband is something that is sure to get on Langa’s nerves. If he was too soft last time, then he will just be plain annoying this time.
On the other hand, Reki isn’t lying. He knows that he will. Reki is aware that if he asks, without a doubt Langa will drop anything for him. It's this power that Reki has over Langa that keeps him coming back. There’s no questioning what Langa would do for Reki and what he would let him get away with.
Reki knows this. So he sucks a bruise right above Langa’s collar, just because he can.
He sucks bruise after bruise on his neck because he knows that Langa will let him.
He doesn’t feel any guilt about it. Right up until he cums, post-nut clarity, he supposes.
He leans over, see’s the dark marks littered around Langa’s neck, and promptly announces:
“Shit”
Langa snaps out of his post-nut haze and directs his attention onto the reason for Reki’s outburst.
“You left a mark.”
“I left multiple marks.’ Reki slaps both hands over his face. “Shit”
“Shit indeed.” Such a fucking smartass .
Panic starts to creep up his neck again, making it hard to breath. His eyes begin to widen, breaths coming in shallow. “What if he sees?”
“Reki?”
“I didn’t mean to take it that far. Fuck I’m a idiot”
“Reki-”
“What if he finds out. Oh my god, my job, he could ruin my life-”
“Reki.”
Reki looks over at Langa and takes in his appearance. His long limbs relaxed at his sides, his steady breathing even after a round. The exact opposite of Reki right now.
“How are you so calm about this? You do know that if your husband finds out about this our lives are over, right?” He stumbles out the questions, trying to get a grip on his breathing.
He shrugs “It isn’t that big of a deal. I could just cover it up with makeup or wear a turtleneck.”
“Just try not to make the same mistake,” Langa throws a smirk in Reki’s direction, “I don’t know how forgiving I’ll be if that happens again.”
Just like the last time, he quickly gets up to leave, leaving Reki in a pit of emotions he knows he’s not supposed to have.
Again and again he gets off with a warning. Too many close calls, yet Langa never asks for less, never asks for Reki to tone it down a bit. Reki pushes and pushes, yet the force is never reciprocated or blocked, just accepted and encouraged.
Its carelessness. It's this carelessness that makes Reki believe that Langa could love him the way that he loves him. It's this exact carelessness that makes Reki believe that he is the exception, he is the special one in Langa’s mind. It allowed him to believe that Reki is the only one Langa is allowed to be careless with.
~
Reki pretends.
Everytime Langa comes over, Reki pretends. He plays a little game of make-believe with himself.
He pretends that Langa comes home to him, and him only. He pretends that the long breaks between their “visits” are because of Langa’s busy schedule, not because he has to sneak away from his husband.
He pretends that everytime Langa says “I love you” is because he means it, and not because he knows that's what he wants to hear.
It’s so easy sometimes. Easy to slip into this fantasy world between him and Langa. Where there’s only them and the world. No Shindo, or Tadashi, or anyone who stands in the way of their love, his love.
It’s stupid, he thinks, in love with a married man. What would his friends think?
What would they think? How would they react if they found out about him and Langa. Whatever it is-
No, scratch that. He knows exactly what this is. It's an affair, a fling, adultery, infidelity, whatever words to describe the fact that he is the side piece.
For Reki, ignorance is bliss. It's bliss to pretend that he doesn’t know what's going on between them, to hold onto the hope that it might be something more. It’s bliss to think that Langa would truly drop everything for him when that's not the case.
Langa has a life, a job, and a lover that has nothing to do with Reki. When Reki asks him to jump he may say ‘how high’ but they both know there’s limits to the power Reki has over Langa.
At the end of the night, when cum and sweat is drying on both of their bodies, and Langa immediately starts to clean up, Reki is hit with a long overdue realization.
Langa is not and will never be his.
Sooner or later, Langa will fix what mishap is happening in his marriage. And when they do, their marriage will be stronger than ever, side pieces left in the dust. Reki can’t hold onto the hope of ‘what ifs?’ forever.
It's a childish dream. A wish made from the remnant of his youth, where sweet meant lollipops and a late summer afternoon, instead of kisses from a taken man.
It’s painful to think that his love isn’t enough to keep this going on for longer. It feels like a clawed hand scratching his insides. But he can’t let him go just yet. He would go through the heartbreak for ten lifetimes if it meant he could keep Langa by his side.
Maybe it’s delusional, maybe Reki’s crazy to try and grasp onto a man that is impossible to hold on to. But yet-
“Hey Langa”
“Hm?”
“I’m not ready to let go of this yet.”
“Me neither.”
Hesitation. “You know, I love you Reki.”
A snort. “I wonder what your husband would think, hearing you say that.”
“I love you too.”