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Stepping into the overcrowded tabling hall, Shen Yuan noticed that it actually didn’t smell that bad for once. The ripe scent of sweaty con-goers was almost a calling card. It felt like home, but in the way that dirty laundry littered the floor when you missed the basket for five consecutive days felt like home.
Yeah.
He was happy.
Proud Immortal Demon Way really hit its stride during the mandated quarantine, amassing fans and haters in giant droves of salivating people. Shen Yuan was proud to say that he was among the few who knew of the novel BEFORE it went crazy viral.
He wasn’t pretentious about it or anything, but he liked to remind everyone once in a while of the hierarchy. And here he was. Author Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky’s biggest hater. Here. Ready to give the author a black eye piece of his mind.
And, from the corner of his eye, he spotted The Booth.
The Booth is an affront to literature, good taste, and him personally. It was tacky. It has a poster for each one of Luo Binghe's hundred-odd wives. There was a Luo Binghe cosplayer in line for it whose low cut robes revealed nothing but flat chest.
Shen Yuan queued up for it.
Despite Proud Immortal Demon Way's popularity, the line went fast. It figured that its millions of readers all didn't get out much.
Finally, the last person in front of him stepped out of the way, and he got a good look at the man whose writing had tortured him for so long.
Airplane was dressed in a gray sweatshirt emblazoned with the Harvard University logo, with his hair gathered into a tiny ponytail. He was less greasy, more well-groomed, and better dressed than the Airplane of his imagination, if a bit sweaty.
Not that Shen Yuan made it a habit to imagine what Airplane looked like. Just idle curiosity, that was all.
Airplane greeted him with a bright smile and a cheerful, "Hello! Welcome to my booth. Let me know if you have any questions, haha."
Oh, ANY questions?
Shen Yuan couldn't believe that he was finally here. In the lead-up to this moment (the massive line at the booth to meet the esteemed author Airplane) he had been filled with thoughts and imagined scenarios of what he would say at this exact moment.
And the great part was that he could say anything! What could Airplane do? Block him in real life?
But now that he found himself face to face with his most despised, all the imagined opening lines left his mind and he was grasping at straws. Shit. He was holding up the line. Say something. Anything!!!
"In chapter 362 why did you choose to let Yuyan escape with the white jade carving and imply she would have to be hunted down for it, only to later have her appear as a concubine in chapter 644 with no mention of how this happened?" Shen Yuan asked.
”Sex. Next Question.” Shang Qinghua laughed, slamming his fist on the wobbly, plastic table in finality.
“O-oh?” Shen Yuan huffed. “There’s gotta be MORE to it than just sex? What the hell.”
“Look... I’m just a guy. In many ways. It’s porn that’s paying my rent and it’s porn that I’m willing to deliver.”
“No matter the cost? The plot? Dignity?”
“No matter the cost.” Airplane affirmed. “Are you one of the guys from the Youtube News people?” Flashing Shen Yuan a quick smoulder and a wink, Shang Qinghua straightened up imperceptibly, “Is this an interview? I can give you a snippet of the next few chapters I have them right here.”
No matter the cost... The words rang in Shen Yuan’s ears with increasing pressure. Yeah. No matter the cost.
“Yes, actually, I’m with DramaAlert. Can I get a quote?”
Airplane cleared his throat. "Are you recording?"
Shen Yuan fumbled for his phone. He opened his voice memo app, trying to look professional. "We're all ready to go. Mr. uh, Shooting Towards The Sky—"
Airplane smiled sheepishly. "Oh, if this is an interview, you can call me Mr. Shang."
Fuck. Fuck. Shen Yuan was getting in way too deep.
He decided to go deeper. "Mr. Shang. So, what do you do see next for Luo Binghe?"
Airplane stroked his soul patch thoughtfully. "Ah yes. I've planned out every single story beat in Proud Immortal Demon Way. Every single sister Luo Binghe deflowers and every single plot trap he falls into has a greater significance on the plot that will all become clear later on! I can't give away the game to you, even if you are one of my adoring fans!"
Airplane attempted a mysterious and knowing wink, but he failed utterly. "Haha, but my stallion protagonist can still manage to catch me off guard. That’s what I enjoy about PIDW, my son has a mind of his own, sometimes. Even if I told you what I have planned next, who knows if it'll actually pan out!"
That was so cringe. A wink? What the hell was that. Shen Yuan had never seen a man so full of shit before in his life. Worse, everyone in line behind him seemed dazzled at his response. What was wrong with these people?
Actually Shen Yuan knew the answer to that. They were Proud Immortal Demon Way fans.
Despite PIDW's insanely high wordcount, it was clear that any solid planning had gone out the window not too long into the book. Shen Yuan recalled the time that it had actually interested him back in the early days instead of just enraging him.
"I'm amazed that you plan so much!" Shen Yuan played along. "You see I've actually been following your writing for quite a while."
“Yeah...” Airplane bit his lip with a coy smile, with a small flick of his eyes up and down that betrayed his thoughts. “We could talk about this more...? Later? I have a room at this venue and would appreciate some company tonight.”
Shen Yuan’s eyes sparkled, now was the time to strike... Ahem. He would have plenty of time to maim Airplane when they were alone.
Plenty.
Of.
Time.
“Yes!” he shouted, startling himself with the force of it before becoming composed again, “Yes. I would love to.”
Snatching a stray scrap piece of paper and a pen, Airplane furiously scribbled with a shit eating grin, “Great. I’ll see you later tonight? Eight-ish?”
“It’s a date.”
Score.
Shang Qinghua hadn’t had much experience with his dating life. Too busy putting in hours to keep a roof over his head and food in the fridge. Most of his experience came from the occasional, enthusiastic match on Tinder.
This was entirely new.
But the bright eyed, flushed prissy boy at his table trying to pass himself as press was too good to pass up. And good material for later!
Research material. And more.
Maybe more.
Shang Qinghua fingered the pad of notepaper where he had ripped the scrap for his suite information from. First his novel subs went up and he was raking in cash, from haters and fans alike, and now he was raking in the babes that come with the fame.
Score!
Shen Yuan studied the paper. Room 420. He'd be there tonight, no doubt. But until then, he had plans to make.
He headed out of the convention center, out of the sweaty crush of bodies and endless booths. Sure, he hadn't seen anything. But some things took priority.
He changed into a fresh graphic tee and his nicest pair of cargo shorts. He ran his fingers through his hair, and cleaned his glasses with the edge of the hotel pillowcase. Airplane wasn't going to know what hit him.
For his final preparation step, Shen Yuan opened up Wikihow, and looked up one simple query: how to get revenge.
As he scrolled the Wikihow, Shen Yuan decided to skip the entire section labelled "Getting revenge passively" as he knew that it was far too late.
Now was the time for blood. Now was the time for action.
Step one suggested legal action, which he elected to move past. Step two listed 'Show the other person up' which Shen Yuan decided was a good springboard. He had done so many times on the forums, but in this hotel room there would be no one to witness his brilliance, but it was something to consider. The steps 'beat them' and 'undermine their efforts' were quickly skimmed, and 'kill them with kindness' was entirely thrown out.
What really caught his attention was section 3, getting dirty.
Some of it was nothing new, but Shen Yuan smiled and made sure to memorize a few key phrases as he prepared for war. Get contact information. Embarrass them. Make the decision to sink to their level.
Yes. It was all coming together. When the time came, he confidently knocked upon the door of the fateful Room 420.
Shen Yuan knew to do what he always did best. Being a bitch.
As he stood in front of Shang Qinghua’s door though, he recited the Wikihow in his heart and knocked on the door.
Get contact information. Embarrass them. Make the decision to sink to their level. Get contact—
The door opened rather quickly, which was scary in itself, and second—
Airplane stood on the other side. Slightly disheveled and leaning against the doorframe with a smile and a wink.
“Well, come on in.” he said with a wave of his hand. Shen Yuan’s mantra got caught suddenly.
What was he going to do again? Huh?
“I—um, hi! I hope I wasn’t late, my phone died earlier when I was in the dealers’ hall again.”
“Oh? What kind? You can borrow mine.” Airplane suddenly turned around with an intense look on his face, slow smile spreading across it.
“Uh,” Shen Yuan suddenly felt stricken, stuttering again, “Apple? Newest phone.”
“Perfect.” Shen Yuan’s opponent said, already having his charger on hand and sliding it into Shen Yuan’s palm with a soft twist of his fingers. Sliding them, ever so slightly, to touch Shen Yuan’s thin wrists.
He shivered. And that shiver turned to a shudder. What the hell?
“Now let’s talk a little about you.” Airplane said suddenly, glasses catching the gleam of the hotel lamps, hiding his eyes from sight.
A foreboding sense of dread washed over Shen Yuan back and he suddenly realized what was happening. The slick smile, the indulgent answers, the secret meeting in his suite, the danger in the air.
Airplane was trying to get him alone. It was all clear now.
WAS AIRPLANE A SERIAL KILLER?
He wouldn’t fall for the Webnovel Killer (working title)’s murderous prowess. He would stay on guard.
Get contact information.
“So, uh. How can I talk to you?” Shen Yuan stuttered out.
“It seems like you’re doing a great job of that,” Airplane said with an awful, sleazy grin.
“No— I meant— Like. Your address. Email address.”
“Already thinking about a second date?” Airplane asked.
“No,” Shen Yuan said decisively. Embarrass them.
“Why would I want a second date when you’ve been giving me nothing. I thought you were The Great Airplane.” Shen Yuan said dramatically.
Airplane’s eyebrow seemed to twitch at that. Good. He had been so full of himself the entire time they had spoken. Now that they were alone, Shen Yuan would strike before Airplane did.
“I thought we were supposed to get to know each other better. Now that we’re here.” Shen Yuan pushed. “If this is a date, why aren’t you showing me a good time? You haven’t even offered me something to drink or a place to sit.”
Make the decision to sink to their level.
Airplane huffed, “Okay, princess.” He gestured to the bed. “Here, have a seat.”
“I’m not falling for that!”
“Falling for what!?” Airplane exclaimed.
“I’m going to sit down and then you’re gonna sit down and we’ll look into each other’s eyes and you’ll say something charged. I’ll rise to the bait, becoming angry and then you’ll sink your fangs into the chance to—“
Airplane leaned into Shen Yuan’s space, making a face like a dead fish as he tried to—
“NOT KISS!”
Shaking away the dead fish look, Airplane gasped with a genuine shock, flush coming to his apple cheeks, “Wasn’t that what we were getting to??”
“Wh—! Well, I, I thought. UM. No.” Suddenly Shen Yuan was rethinking his previous assumption. Was this not a ploy? Were they really just about to k— No.
Couldn’t be.
“At least tell me your name first if you want to—!” With the shame of his perpetually stuffy personality, Shen Yuan shook with. Something. He shook. And he was upset. And maybe he wanted more information.
“Oh?” Airplane laughed, something loud and from his gut, joyful, “I’m Shang Qinghua.”
Shen Yuan tensed up, a ripe flush taking his ears and cheeks as hostage, not unaffected by the boyish smile shot his way and the sudden weight of Shang Qinghua’s arms over his shoulders.
Shen Yuan—who was NOT embarrassed—stewed in awkward silence. He had no idea how they ended up here, but he was going to make the best of it.
He asked casually, "So. Where’s your laptop?"
Shang Qinghua pointed it out sitting on the desk in a corner. Shen Yuan roughly shoved off Shang Qinghua's arm before going to retrieve it. It was a clunky and ugly old thing and had definitely seen better days.
He settled back next to Shang Qinghua's side, and replaced Shang Qinghua's arm over his shoulder. He might kind of hate the guy, but Shang Qinghua looked like a kicked puppy when he got rejected! Shen Yuan wasn’t cruel! And it was cold in the hotel room, besides.
Shen Yuan booted up the computer and, sparing a raised eyebrow in Shang Qinghua's direction at the lack of a password, immediately started clicking through his files.
"Show me where your next chapter is, I'll help you edit it. If we get started now, you can probably publish an actually readable update by tomorrow."
“My latest chapter is right here,” Shang Qinghua said, jabbing his finger at a folder called “SEXUAL PORN DO NOT OPEN.”
Shen Yuan raised his eyebrows.
“It’s data security!” Shang Qinghua protested. “No one would click on that!”
“Who,” Shen Yuan said, acutely aware of the irony, “would want to get into your webnovel chapters?”
Shang Qinghua laughed sheepishly. “Alright, you got me.” He leaned in close to Shen Yuan, his mouth right by Shen Yuan’s ear. “Isn’t there something you’d rather be doing right now?”
“No.” Shen Yuan said, as he clicked on the document and his eyes were barraged with the writings of his most and least favorite writer. “It’s always been my dream to do this.” Page after page of text loaded in front of him. Shen Yuan cracked his knuckles.
“Hey, you’re looking a little intense.” Airplane said, nervously, now backed away from Shen Yuan’s ear to look at the document, though he was still very close. “Why don’t you—“
“Don’t worry.” Shen Yuan interrupted as he pushed his glasses up his nose. “I’ll be gentle,” he said with the tone of a man who was very much not going to do that. He took a deep breath and began to scan the document for any egregious errors.
Resting his chin on Shen Yuan’s shoulder, Shang Qinghua sighed, blowing in the other guy’s ear. Shen Yuan responded with a twitch and a crinkle of his nose.
“I have dreams too,” he said, perhaps inquiring, as a hand slipped from Shen Yuan’s arm to trace the lines of his torso. Down further.
Shen Yuan gasped, completely zoned into the contents in front of him. Eyes lit up with the screen of the laptop.
What was this?!
He furiously clicked and scrolled down the page, reading a mile a minute — Yuyan came back! Or rather, Yuyan was involved in a flashback... After nearly 300 chapters of filler in the original thread where she escaped with the white jade carving into the night. He ate up the chapter, ecstatic to see she was getting background. A spy plot!
Shang Qinghua did a double take at the contents on screen, “W-wait! This is the wrong file! The actual chapter is,” he took control of the trackpad to back out into his files, selecting the doc that said PUBLISHED PORN NEEDS PUBLISHING REWRITE, “This is the one.”
Shen Yuan huffed something of shock as he found that Yuyan’s spy plot had been erased and in its place was MORE PORN.
“Shang Qinghua, what the hell is this?”
Shang Qinghua shrugged. "It’s the next chapter. Reimup1t gave me a huge tip last weekend and I know he has a thing for armpits, so I had to write a sex scene to accomodate that—wait, WAIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!! STOP DELETING SHIT!!"
He squeezed closer to Shen Yuan to grab his arm away from the keyboard, and a struggle ensued.
"You shitty hack author!! I knew you were spewing bullshit earlier!! ‘Planned out every single story beat in Proud Immortal Demon Way,’ yeah, and my ass is as plush as Cheng Jian's after she consumed the Everlasting Peach Blossom of 500 Years in chapter 284!! You'll write anything for the highest paying customer to beat their ugly dick to, and you don't even have the decency to admit it!!"
Shang Qinghua had a chance to shove away his precious, horrible laptop before Shen Yuan tackled him to the bed, continuing his onslaught.
Shang Qinghua fell backwards onto the bed breathless. Shen Yuan stared him down as he pinned that awful hack to the bed.
He paused for a moment, awkward. What did he do now that he had his nemesis trapped beneath him?
“So... You’ve trapped me,” Shang Qinghua said, with his face flushed. “Not how I imagined this happening, if I’m being honest ahahahaha.”
“What?” Shen Yuan asked. “I mean, huh?”
Shang Qinghua sat up a little, before Shen Yuan glared him back down. “I just meant, like—“
“Explain!” Shen Yuan demanded.
"Well you're a bit shorter than me and more slender so I just kind of assumed—" Shen Yuan narrowed his eyes. What was that supposed to mean? Shang Qinghua seemed to shrink down under his glare, flat against the mattress as Shen Yuan glared at him, keeping Shang Qinghua confined.
"Do you think that just because I'm a bit smaller than you that I'll let you do whatever you want?" Shen Yuan challenged. This was his perfect victory. Finally, after years of raging on the internet he would have his revenge.
”Yes!” Shang Qinghua proudly proclaimed, “Well, no. Sort of. But if you could step on my back and pop the kink I have right there, I would be SO grateful.”
“Okay...” Shen Yuan took a deep breath, “Sorry I don’t like when people make fun of my height, I’m sensitive because everyone else in my family are giants. My younger sister is an inch taller than me. It's crazy.”
Shang Qinghua made a funny face like he was trying to hold back laughter, but didn’t comment on Shen Yuan’s sore spot. “But yeah, sitting at my computer all day isn’t the greatest for my spine.”
This night has gone strangely, Shen Yuan thought as he put his weight on Airplane’s lower back, a satisfying crack filling the air.
Shang Qinghua moaned in approval, “Yeah I really needed that.”
He propped his face up on the bed and smiled at Shen Yuan. “You know I think it would be cool if we could talk more. Want my number?”
Get contact information rung in his ears suddenly, part of the mantra coming back.
“Please! I want it.”
They traded phones. Shang Qinghua's phone background was, surprisingly, of Mobei-jun. Huh... Weird! Maybe Mobei-jun was Shang Qinghua's self-insert...? Shen Yuan snorted.
"Ah! This fanart of Luo Binghe from the Blood Madness Requiem arc... It was commissioned by Peerless Cucumber! I would know, I tried using it as the chapter banner and he sent me a very strongly worded PM! Does he know you're using it as your lockscreen, bro?"
Shen Yuan casually inspected his fingernails. "Yeah, you could say he does."
"Haha, that's so cool! You know him personally? He's hilarious. Between you and me, sometimes I write in plot holes just to see him go off in the comments LOL!" Shang Qinghua actually said the letters out loud. Bitch. "I kind of consider him a friend, you know? I have to, our virtual-webnovel-author-virulent-hate-commenter thing has lasted longer than any of my romantic relationships in real life! Oh, that sounds really pathetic and not funny at all when I say it out loud like that. Anyway, NOW do you want to make out?"
"What?" Shen Yuan demanded.
"You know, make out. Where you kiss and you start touching a little and you—"
"No! You consider m— Peerless Cucumber a friend?" Shen Yuan pressed him harder. He needed to know how far Shang Qinghua's sick and twisted delusion went.
"I don't know, I just feel like he kinda gets me," Shang Qinghua said. "And he certainly seems to feel... Intensely, hehe, towards me."
"Oh, so you'd rather he be here right now, then," Shen Yuan sniffed.
"Aww, come on man. Are you jealous?" Shang Qinghua asked, nudging his arm a little. "Eh? Ehhhh?”
"Why would I be jealous? My favorite author only invited me to meet with him and now he's talking about someone else?" Shen Yuan pressed. He recalled the wikihow suddenly. Embarrass Them. "This guy constantly rags on you in the forums and insults your every writing choice and you... you're into it?" Shen Yuan asked. Maybe this explained a bit about how this evening had gone so far.
"Hey, hey, there's no need to say it like that. And he doesn't insult every writing choice." Airplane defended. The “just most of them” was implied. "I just think it might be interesting to meet him in real life one day. Like, what would he even say to me? The way he reads and rips apart my writing feels like he already knows me. I mean, how long has it even been? I think he's been commenting since like, back when the chapters were only double digits at least."
Shen Yuan began to feel very strange.
Lip quivering, Shen Yuan looked to the side. Should he tell...?
But the words spilled from his mouth before he could think, “That’s a lot of misplaced hope, isn’t it? What if he’s an actual major asshole? Or an ugly loser? What then?”
Pressing into Shang Qinghua’s space, he fronted with his chest puffed up. They both walked themselves into the wall of the hotel suite, one pace forward for one pace back.
“Well—! I don’t know! We could be ugly asshole losers together then!” Shang Qinghua floundered, unsure of where the barrage of questioning was coming from. He held his hands out to placate Shen Yuan. “I think... I think it would be fine actually. Losers often have more to lose by being an asshole in person, right? Online, it’s easy to hide behind a screen and say the worst of the worst.”
Shang Qinghua smiled fondly, looking past Shen Yuan’s shoulder as if he were remembering something funny, “Cucumber bro has really said it all, y’know. AND he pays for VIP access and for exclusive content. So he’s gotta be not all that bad.”
“Why?”
Turning the tables, Shang Qinghua met Shen Yuan’s eyes with a challenge and a smirk, teasing him with a poke to his head. “Do you have something to tell me?”
Shen Yuan took a shaky breath.
“Actually..”
He trailed off, unable to continue. In lieu of words, Shen Yuan instead unlocked his phone and opened up his Zhongdian profile page. Shen Yuan stuck the phone in Shang Qinghua's face like a barrier and watched his eyes cross trying to read the screen.
His profile didn’t have much information. Just that he had made 12898 posts over his lifetime, that he was a VIP subscriber to Proud Immortal Demon Way and other novels, that he had 10 unread messages in his inbox, and so on.
There was a beat of silence between them as Shang Qinghua processed what he was seeing.
"...Aiyaa, you're a VIP subscriber to other novels? You're kinda cheating on me, bro...." Shang Qinghua pouted.
Shen Yuan pushed his face away. "Ugh! Who would want to stay in a committed monogamous relationship with you! Shitty author!"
Shang Qinghua brightend. "Bro! Does that mean we're like, together now...? We can have an open relationship, I don't mind!"
Shen Yuan's face flushed red hot. Stupid selective hearing Airplane! "You—! No! It might mean that! Okay! I'll think about it in 5 minutes! Maybe! I have to go! I’ll text you later!" Shen Yuan pushed past Shang Qinghua to begin packing up his things, intending on leaving the hotel room.
Shen Yuan mumbled quietly,"...Also yours is the only novel I read and comment on daily, idiot."
A medium-sized hand landed on Shen Yuan's shoulder firmly. "Do you mean that?"
"It's not that I mean it, it's just that it's true," Shen Yuan said snippily, putting his phone into his safest cargo short pocket.
"Hey." Shang Qinghua suddenly sounded much more serious. His voice sounded deeper, more confident, almost masculine?!
Shen Yuan turned around.
"I've always thought of you as my favorite commenter. As a friend. But when you say something like that... it really seems like we've always been more than friends."
"What?!" Shen Yuan said, face burning.
"When all my past relationships crashed and burned after a single date, maybe it's because I knew... I was with you this whole time." Shang Qinghua paused. "Wait, wait, hold on for a sec. I need to write down that line."
He started furiously typing.
"What the hell are you doing?? I'm right here. What are you going to say next? Go on!"
"Heh. Never thought I'd ever see you demanding me to update," Shang Qinghua said. "Anyway, I think we've been parasocially dating this whole time."
"FIRST of all," Shen Yuan began, falling into a familiar intonation. "How could that be possible when you—"
"Ah man," Shang Qinghua grinned. "This really is how you flirt. Hey, stop putting your shoes back on. I have, uh, plenty more lines for you to discuss tonight."
And Shen Yuan paused. And then he carefully toed off his leather flip flops, and sat back on the bed to listen.