Chapter Text
After another hour or so of mostly aimless wandering, they came to a bookshop.
“This is it,” Remus said, leading Sirius into the shop and walking between the shelves and tables.
“This is what?”
“The cafe. It’s upstairs.”
“Oh, oh, right.”
They walked through the bookshop to some stairs at the back.
“Do they have many English language books? I wouldn’t mind getting something for Lily, if there was something local but in English. She’d like that.”
“Yeah, they do. Do you want to look now or after lunch?”
“After’s fine.”
They walked up the stairs into a large open cafe, the walls adorned with brightly patterned wallpaper.
“This is different.”
“Yeah, it started out as an internet cafe, Jordan’s first. Now it’s... not really sure how to describe it. It’s got a real mix of people who come here, it’s popular among expats, since the food’s a bit more western, and younger Jordanians. It’s got a reputation as a place for tolerance and diversity.”
“Do you come here much?” Sirius asked, noticing that nobody had greeted Remus by name.
“Not really, I don’t usually hang out with the expat crowd and it’s not near the flat. But it’s nice to be here with you.”
He looked at Sirius then with a soft smile that made him melt.
“Do you want to sit inside or outside?”
“Is there shade?”
“Should be.”
“Outside, then, maybe.”
They found themselves in a quiet, shady corner of the terrace and just sat looking at each other for a moment.
“I’m not sure how much is acceptable here,” Sirius said, nudging Remus’s knee with his under the table.
“Well, it’s frowned on in a married couple holds hands in public in most of Jordan. So even hand-holding should be discreet, but...”
Remus’s voice trailed away, but he brushed his fingers across Sirius’s knuckles and smiled at him.
“I think that the thing about being here,” Remus continued, “is that we don’t have to worry about what conclusions people might draw.”
Sirius nodded. He wondered whether Remus felt the constraint as much as he did. Remus was more used to it, certainly, living in the region for years and he seemed confident in knowing what was acceptable and what wasn’t. But, Sirius thought, Remus said he didn’t do relationships, so he probably wasn’t used to being with someone and hiding that they were together.
They ordered food, a flatbread topped with chicken and spices, and beer.
“God, it feels so normal to be able to have a beer and... well, this is almost pizza.”
“We could have had pizza, but there’s another place I’ll take you for pizza. It’s run by an Italian priest, so it’s really authentic pizza.”
“A priest? Like... a Catholic priest?”
“Yes, really.”
“What’s a priest doing running a pizza place?”
“Oh, it’s staffed by refugees. They train them there so that they can get jobs. Sorry, more shop talk, but you can’t really get away from it here. I think something like ten percent of Jordan’s population is refugees.”
“Oh... that’s... like when Mahmoud said Jordan had a lot of refugees... I had no idea it was that many. God, imagine the bigots in Britain if we took that many.”
“Yeah, it’s... I suppose it’s easy over there to forget what it’s like in other places. Last time I was back... yeah, my stepfather was making a big fuss over all the immigrants... the place still looked pretty bloody white to me, but he... well, I won’t repeat any of it.”
“Yeah, I saw quite a bit of it from living with the Potters and being friends with James. They really opened my eyes. My family were appalling but I never noticed until I starting thinking about what they said in terms of how I’d feel if they said it to James. Then I realised how awful it was.”
Remus sighed.
“Yeah, sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to bring everything down.”
Sirius shook his head.
“It’s okay, that’s reality. It’s... you know it’s okay to talk about things that aren’t happy, if you want to. I like... I like that you trust me enough to tell me a bit about yourself. I get the feeling you don’t do that too much.”
Remus frowned for a moment, and Sirius wondered whether he’d said too much. Not that he’d done any more than state the obvious. Remus, Sirius realised, was very good at being friendly with people, as Sirius had seen time and again over the last couple of days. But he was a master at keeping his distance while he did so. That he’d even mentioned his family to Sirius was remarkable.
“Yeah, that’s fair,” Remus said. “I... I think I said, I prefer the past to stay in the past.”
“I’m inclined to agree with you, mostly. I just find, sometimes, it has a habit of finding its way into the present. That’s why it can be a mistake to try and avoid it completely, or that’s what I’ve found, anyway.”
Remus looked at Sirius for a moment, his eyes unreadable.
“How’d you get so wise?” he said, finally.
“Years of therapy, probably, and having James’s family around me when things were rough. I think they really taught me how to be a decent human being. I mean, I must have said some dreadful things to James when I first knew him – there’s no way I grew up in that family without picking up some of those awful attitudes.”
“You still became friends with him, though.”
“Yeah, I’m not quite sure how that happened, really. We got paired up for some activity or other, had to work together. At first, I was a bit wary of him, but he was just so nice. Always enthusiastic about things, always thinking the best of people... I suppose I must have been open to the idea that my family were wrong. It only a day or two before we were best friends.”
“That can be hard... overcoming the way of thinking you pick up from your family.”
Remus had a thoughtful look on his face, and Sirius thought he seemed about to say more, so he nodded, but said nothing. Remus gave a sigh.
“It took me a while, too. Not so much the racism. Where I grew up, the school I went to, it was mixed enough that could see that the kids with different coloured skin were just... just kids like any other. But... you know...”
He looked down at the table, to where their hands were resting, not quite touching.
“Yeah, um... sexuality.”
“That must have been hard for you. Did you have anyone who accepted you? Who made you feel it was okay?”
Remus shook his head.
“Not really. Not until I was at university, anyway.”
Sirius nodded, and waited to see whether Remus was going to say more. When it seemed as if he wasn’t going to, Sirius spoke.
“I was lucky there. James’s family... well, especially James’s mother... she sat us both down one day, gave us a bit of a lecture, really. There was a girl who’d moved in down the road from them and James was besotted and kept saying how he was going to win her over, how he’d make her like him, even though she’d made it clear she didn’t. I didn’t think anything of it, not at the time, but looking back, it was a bit stalker-ish. We were only thirteen, but still... yeah, so anyway, Femi, that’s James’s mum, sits both of us down and talked to us about how “no means no”, but also... it was a bit more than that. Like... so the absence of “no” doesn’t mean “yes”. That you can’t just assume consent... well anyway, she made it crystal clear to us about that. But the point was, she was talking about girls, how we were to treat girls, and then she said ‘but of course, that all applies to boys too’ and she looked straight at me.”
“Oh, hell, that must have been... terrifying.”
“I... somehow it wasn’t. Maybe because she was so warm and kind, but it just made me feel... she said it as if it was no big deal. And then James, bless him, said ‘what do you mean – it applies to boys?’, and Femi said, ‘well, sometimes boys like girls, and sometimes boys like boys in the way that you like Lily, and then sometimes girls like girls too. It’s all the same, you don’t put pressure on someome if they say they’re not interested or they don’t seem like they’re keen’, right? And James just went, ‘oh, okay’ and the moment just passed and it was... I’m pretty sure Femi knew about me, even then, and she just accepted...”
Sirius smiled at the memory. Looking back, it had been one of the defining moments of his teenage years, the moment that he’d really known that, whatever anyone else said, James and his family would accept him.
“Oh, yeah... that’s... I can see it had a real effect on you.”
Sirius nodded.
“You know what you were saying, about how when you look closely you can see how small things make a difference... that’s an example of that, I think.”
Remus smiled at him then, his eyes warm. Sirius thought he could lose himself in those eyes, in the mysterious colour that wasn’t quite grey and wasn’t quite brown but somehow managed to be both. They were fringed by long lashes and, when Remus smiled, cornered by crow’s feet that Sirius thought looked adorable.
“So, hang on, you mentioned Lily. Does that mean... was that the same Lily that James married?”
“Yeah, the one and only. Amazing, right? Meeting someone at eleven years old and thinking you’re going to marry them, and you actually do. And you’re still married years later.”
“So, he won her over, then?”
“Yeah, I actually think it had a bit to do with Femi’s talk. He backed off, and he mostly just admired her from afar. But each year, the church they went to had a fair, and he’d ask her to go with him, and she’d say no and he’d back off again. And then he’d ask the next year and she’d say no, and so on. When they were seventeen she said yes. It was out of kindness, actually, I think. She told him that the reality would never live up to what he’d built up about her in his head, and so she agreed to go out with him so that he could see she wasn’t actually whatever idea he thought she was and then he’d get over her and he could go on with his life.”
“Wow... okay, that’s pretty brutal.”
“Oh, she can be. Mostly, she’s right on the money, but she can get a bit cynical and see the worst in things. She read James completely wrong. Instead of putting him off, he won her over and she fell for him. Not that I can say I was surprised, because he’s my best friend and, in my heart, he’s my brother, and I always knew he was awesome.”
“Remus, hey, long time, no see!”
Remus almost seemed to flinch at the interruption, looking up quickly at the sound of a loud American voice calling his name. Sirius watched, checking to see whether Remus would tense up or pull away from him, but after a moment, he seemed to relax. He got up from his seat and allowed himself to be hugged by the American, who had floppy ginger hair, and then the man who was with him, who had short, black hair and a close beard.
“When did you get back into town? I haven’t seen you at the club.”
Remus gave a shrug.
“A few weeks... um, yeah, so, this is Sirius. Sirius, this is Gideon and Samal.”
Sirius stood to shake their hands, and his heart leaped when Remus put a hand on his back for a few moments.
Gideon turned an intense, blue gaze on him, and Samal looked at him curiously.
“Sirius, call me Gid,” Gideon said, then turned his gaze back to Remus. “Well, well, isn’t he lovely.”
Gideon looked at Remus with a smirk on his face, then turned back to Sirius. Samal rolled his eyes.
“So, Sirius, where did you spring from?” Gideon continued. “You’re not from here, surely, I’d definitely have noticed you.”
Samal sighed, although he seemed more amused than upset.
“Please forgive Gid,” he said, in clear but accented English. “He is American.”
Sirius shook his head, grinning. After nearly three years of playing straight and letting people think he was something that he wasn’t, it was a relief to meet someone who was wasn’t hiding himself. He felt as if a cool breeze had sprung up on a stifling hot day, and he could suddenly breathe. Out of the corner of his eye he stole a glance at Remus. He looked a little nervous but not unhappy.
Samal pulled a couple of chairs from an unused table nearby, and he and Gideon sat down.
“So,” Samal said. “You didn’t say where you were from? And where did you meet Remus?”
“Oh, um, Iraq,” Sirius said, looking across at Remus and hoping he didn’t say the wrong thing.
Remus gave him a nervous smile.
“Really?” Gideon said, eyes wide, looking across to Samal. “No way you’re Iraqi.”
Samal rolled his eyes again, but he was smiling.
“No, I’m English,” Sirius said. “But I met Remus in Iraq. I’m working there.”
“Oh, of course, the accent,” Gideon said. “It’s adorable.”
“What work do you do?” Samal asked. “Are you a journalist also?”
Sirius shook his head.
“I’m a doctor. I work for Médecins Sans Frontières. I’m based at a refugee camp near Duhok.”
Samal nodded and smiled at him.
“I’m from Iraq, originally. From Fallujah. But I’ve been here nearly fifteen years. And I’m a nurse.”
“Oh, wow, right. I haven’t been to Fallujah at all. Haven’t seen much of the country to be honest.”
“Yes, it’s not exactly easy there. I think the north’s a bit safer though.”
“It does seem that way, at the moment anyway. But I was in Yemen before I was in Iraq, so...”
“Wow, you’re like a proper hero, working in Yemen,” Gideon said. “Isn’t he, Sam? A real hero.”
Sirius felt himself go slightly pink as he shook his head.
“Yeah, he is,” Remus said. “He even once took a trip to Syria, to deliver medical supplies to a town that was right at the frontline with the Daesh.”
“I’m really not,” Sirius said. “Just doing a job. It’s the local staff who are really the heroes. They work under those conditions constantly, when often their own homes and families are under threat. That’s the true heroism.”
Gideon nodded.
“Well, I think you are. And Remus too. So brave.”
“So, what are you doing in Jordan?” Samal asked. “Have you moved here? Or are you going back to Iraq?”
“Oh, um, I’m... I’m here for a holiday,” Sirius said, glancing at Remus. “Spending some time with Remus. He’s been showing me around Amman.”
“Oh, and are you enjoying yourself?” Gideon said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
Remus glanced down, a faint tinge of pink rising up his neck. Sirius couldn’t blame him, he was pretty sure he was scarlet himself.
“Oh, leave them alone, ya omri,” Samal said, placing a hand on Gideon’s arm for a moment, then turning to look at Sirius. “What do you think of Amman? Different from Iraq?”
“Yes and no,” Sirius said. “I spend most of my time at the refugee camp, so it’s pretty different from that here. But there are similarities in the warmth of the people. It’s quite different from London.”
“I’ve never never been to England. But let me guess, you don’t have every second person asking if you are married?”
Sirius smiled at Samal.
“Yes, exactly. In fact, I think you two are the first people we’ve exchanged more than ten words with who haven’t asked me if I’m married.”
Samal and Gideon laughed at that, and after a moment Remus did too. They continued talking – Gideon and Samal ordered some food and had clearly decided they were joining Remus and Sirius whether they wanted the company or not. But Sirius found he didn’t mind. He felt as if he could be himself without constantly monitoring himself, without watching every word, glance and gesture and wondering what he was revealing. Gideon, who worked in the travel industry, had some useful suggestions for places to visit outside Amman, as well as suggestions for accomodation. Samal was quieter, but Sirius found him easy to talk to, since he also had a medical background. Remus didn’t seem to mind their company either. It was clear that he’d known them for a long time, and Sirius got the feeling that they genuinely cared about him.
“So,” Gideon said, turning to Remus with his intense gaze. “When are you bringing Sirius to the club?”
Remus shrugged.
“I don’t know, not sure if it’s his thing.”
“What’s the club?” Sirius asked.
“It’s a night club,” Samal said. “Very much underground. You’d only get in if you knew someone, but you’re alright because you’re with Remus. It’s... it’s a safe space for people, whether or not they are out publicly.”
Sirius nodded.
“Is it music and dancing and that kind of thing?”
“Yes, exactly. Do you like to dance?”
Sirius smiled.
“I love dancing.”
He glanced across at Remus, who looked a little uncertain.
“I should definitely come. You’ll love it,” Gideon said.
“I... what do you think, Remus?”
Quickly, Remus covered up the hesitant expression on his face.
“Sure, if you love dancing, you’ll probably love it. I’m not such a good dancer though.”
“I don’t care, I want to dance with you anyway.”
Remus nodded.
“Okay,” he said, turning to Gideon and Samal. “When are you going next?”
“Probably tonight, will you come.”
Remus nodded and looked at Sirius.
“Sure.”
Sirius wasn’t quite sure he’d done the right thing, but decided to have a word to Remus later and see if he wanted to back out.
They stayed for some time, drinking a few beers in the heat of the afternoon and chatting, before heading off. As they were leaving, Remus took Samal to one side for a quiet talk, returning with a smug expression on his face.
“What is it?” Sirius said, once Gideon and Samal were gone.
Remus smiled.
“Samal owns a motorbike. I’ve borrowed it, for the day after tomorrow.”
Sirius broke into a broad smile.
“Wow, that’s fantastic.”
“I knew that would make you happy,” Remus said, looking pleased. “I’m sorry you didn’t get the romantic lunch you wanted, but I hope that makes up for it.”
Sirius nodded.
“Honestly, I didn’t mind at all. I felt a bit like I was being shown off, and that was nice, actually. After so long feeling like I’ve got to hide a part of myself, being in a culture that’s not at all accepting... yeah, it was lovely actually. Um... I wanted to say, though... about the club, if you didn’t want to go... we don’t have to. I thought you looked like you weren’t sure.”
“It’s okay,” Remus said, shaking his head. “It’s just, it can be a little sleazy... people hooking up in the bathroom and so on...”
“That doesn’t bother me,” Sirius said. “I honestly really like the idea of being able to slow dance with you, in.. well kind of in public.”
Remus nodded.
“Yeah, I think I’d like that too.”
He gave Sirius a shy smile, the kind that made Sirius’s heart melt.
“Alright then, shall we find this book for Lily then head off?”
Remus nodded, then brushed Sirius’s hand with his.
“Alright, let’s do it.”