What am I to you?

by Morgan_Herondale

Summary:

Nimue remembers a time when she woke up from a nightmare and was comforted by someone who didn't have a reputation of providing comfort.

Nimue didn't know when it happened And why for that matter. Or maybe she was just too scared to admit what she was feeling, even to herself.

But somehow seeing the most feared enemy of fey smile at the childish habits of Squirrel (or Percival as he likes to call the little boy), has begun to make her day.And she is too weak and proud to admit that she tries to find more ways to make him smile, to vanish those lines of stress,tiredeness and immense grief from his forehead, even if for sometime.

She remembered feeling warm and giddy when she was with Arthur. That feeling of butterflies erupting in her stomach and the slight increase in her heartbeat whenever he was with her, touching her, kissing her and whispering sweet words to her. It used to warm her soul.

Somehow those feelings have intensified when she was with him.Lancelot.And they haven't even touched yet, save for a few times they had to touch and heal each other.

She had thought that she was in love with Arthur.Maybe she was.And maybe he loved her too. Because for the first time someone had showed faith in her, other than her mother and protected her.

But in her heart she knew that when you love someone, you are not supposed to be scared of them. But Arthur was. And the worst part was that as much as she didn't like it, she couldn't blame him. He didn't know what the hidden whispers to her and the nightmares she gets after using the sword. She had tried telling him, but she feared his judgement and kept silent.

She remembered waking up from one such nightmare in Lancelot's presence. She was healing then, after surviving her fall in the lake and they were running from Paladins. Lancelot had volunteered to keep the watch while she and Squirrel slept. And she must admire the boy's strength as he stubbornly tried to stay awake to take care of his friend and provide him company but passed out in an hour.But the monk appreciated his little friend nonetheless.

Squirrel was curled up beside her when she woke up, panting and gasping for air. Those whispers, they spoke of promises of blood and death. Those whispers, they caressed her subconsciousness like a lover, as if they weren't asking her to raise hell and flow rivers of blood. She shivered and pulled the cloak, that the fallen knight has given to her, around herself tightly, even though she knew that the chill wasn't from the cool night air.

She turned to check on Squirrel, who was fast asleep and mumbled occasionally. It did provide a little comfort to her, but not enough to make her forget the horrors she had just witnessed.

She turned to the other side and her eyes met his blue ones, blue like the sparkling ocean water. Deep and pure and strangely comforting. He was looking at her with a look on his face as if he knew what she had just seen. And he didn't seem scared of her. On the contrary he looked unhappy, as if he knew that pain and didn't want her to suffer.

The constant staring was making her uncomfortable. It was as if she was sitting in front of him, naked and helpless. She was the Fey queen, the wolf blood witch. She didn't like feeling weak and helpless.

She cleared her throat and decided to break the silence. The silence was so thick that when she spoke, she flinched at her own voice.

"I can take the watch. You should sleep."

"I am alright."

"You haven't slept in days. You will fall ill if you keep going on like this."

"I can manage."

"No you can't."

Silence.Then.

"Are you alright?"

Nimue swallowed. She tried to ease her heart, that was pounding in her chest at his soft voice, at the concern in his eyes and something in his face made her believe that he will understand and he will not judge her for this.

"I.. I have these nightmares. The Hidden it calls to me. Tells me.. things. They scare me.They make me believe as if I really am the monster my villagers used to call me. As if... as if I will be the doom of all my people."

Silence.

He didn't speak for a long time and she turned her head to restrain herself from losing her soul in those eyes, who were looking at her in a way she has never been looked at before.

"You.. you are not a monster."

She laughed but the sound carried no sense of joy.

"You don't know me."

"I don't but I know myself. I know what monsters are Nimue. And you are not one of them."

Nimue turned her head to look at him. There was something in his voice, something that sounded like pleading, as if he was begging her to believe what he was saying.And the way he said her name, gods above, she was going to lose her mind.

"Aren't you scared of me? "

He looked genuinely surprised at that question and that made her even more curious about what he really thought of her.

"No.Are you.. scared of me?"

Yes. She wanted to say that yes she was scared of him. Scared of what he was becoming to her. Scared of the day when she won't be able to listen to his meaningless conversations with Squirrel that comforted her more than Arthur's singing.Scared of not being able to hate him like she should.Scared of being forced to live a life without of him.

"Do you want me to be?"

Silence. Then, in a softer tone, that was almost a whisper.

"No.Never."

She had to keep the conversation going till sleep claimed her again because she was seconds away from throwing herself in his arms and forgetting everything else.

"What is Squirrel to you?"

"Percival."

She rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless.

"Fine.What is he to you?"

What am I to you?

"I care about him. He reminds me of myself. Of what I could have been if.. if I wasn't forced to live this way."

"Will you leave him someday?"

Will you leave me someday? When you see that I am a worse than you? That I didn't have a Father Cardan to manipulate me and yet I am weak to resist the temptation of those whispers?

He was looking at her again with that look in his eyes as if she was some book and he was trying to unravel its secrets.

"I would like to stay in his life as long as he wants me to."

"Knowing him, he might want you forever."

I want you to stay forever with me.

He chuckled softly and Nimue wanted to store that sound and use it to escape those horrible whispers.

"Then I shall stay with my Percival."

He turned to look at the sleeping boy and smiled softly at him.

They remained quiet for a long time and just as her eyelids started to grow heavy, she decided to ask one last question.

"Do you love him?"

He was looking at her with a soft look on his face, which made her think that maybe he was able to understand her questions all along.

"Yes."

I love you.

The words were on the tip of her tongue but sleep had already claimed her.

Notes:

I am crazy about this ship and I WANT SEASON 2!!!!!!
So till Netflix clears its stand, I shall be creating more fics to calm my hunger😌
Hope you all liked it!
Stay safe everyone. Love you!