Chapter Text
With the bell ringing painfully through his oversensitive ears, Ben winced, his heart thumping with fear, before finally standing up and walking into the crowded corridor, with even his shaky, jittery walk projecting a crystal-clear image of insecurity. The boy's head was fuzzy with panic. His first class was Math, a subject in which he was rather talented once he was able to grasp the task at hand, but getting to that level of understanding was another feat entirely, with his brain being wired in such a way to make explanations that were simple to others seem borderline alien. Ackbar being his teacher wouldn't help matters much either, as not only was the man famously loud, but also had seemingly no understanding or patience towards Ben's difficulties, instead choosing to view him as nothing but a lazy, unmotivated nuisance, which only made the boy feeling even worse about himself. Not to mention, he wouldn't even have Armie with him, so Ben didn't exactly have much hope for anything short of a complete disaster.
Becoming totally overwhelmed by the noise and crowd density, his eyes welled up with tears as countless students shoved their way past him, with Ben feeling like he was going to drown in an ocean of his own crippling anxiety. He just wanted to go home, to be held in his father's strong, reassuring arms while his mother stroked his hair and told him everything would be okay. But they weren't there, instead, he was stuck in a place, that despite having spent three years of his life there, felt every bit as lost and out of place as he did when he was a freshman. Then, perhaps as an involuntary coping mechanism, everything shut down, with Ben's brain being tightly wrapped in a thick, near impenetrable fog as everything around him faded away.
However, several seconds, or perhaps even several minutes later, his trance was broken by a sudden sharp pain in his shoulder, with his confused, worried eyes rolling around his head in an attempt to find the source of said pain, only to land on a remarkably angry, hateful looking boy.
"What, are you deaf as well? I said, Hey retard! Get out of my way! Move, before I make you move!", the boy hissed, roughly shoving Ben in the chest, causing him to stumble back slightly.
Ben then stared at the boy, his fear quickly giving way to violent, burning anger, his entire frame shaking with barely restrained fury, his eyes alive with rage, rage for having been treated like this for as long as he could remember, and all for something he couldn't even control. His attacker was head and shoulders shorter than him, and so much skinnier. One punch, and he'd be on the floor, begging for mercy. It would be so easy, so satisfying...
"I-I'm sorry, I don't want any trouble...", Ben mumbled nervously, his anger evaporating just as quickly as it appeared, before he quickly scurried away, utterly terrified, not so much of the other boy, but of himself, of what he nearly did, and of the fact that he knew he would've enjoyed it, but he knew it wouldn't have been worth it, as he had enough of a target on his back.
As he continued walking, satisfied that he'd escaped his prior altercation, Ben then heard an anguished, broken shriek, which immediately drew a rather large crowd of students and teachers alike, and despite his fear of crowds, Ben would've recognized that voice anywhere, so he slithered his way to the back of the crowd, being tall enough to see through, but what he witnessed utterly haunted him.
It was Rey. His Rey.
His heart utterly shattered at the sight of her looking so distraught, so unhinged, much like himself during any one of his numerous meltdowns over the years, with her friend, Finn, desperately trying to calm her down, before escorting her through the crowd until she was out of sight.
Still, as saddened as Ben was, he found himself confused. 'What could Rey possibly have to be so upset about?', he thought to himself. She was beautiful, had great friends, had been with numerous boyfriends over his time observing her, and all around seemed to have everything going for her in life, so this broken, desperate outburst totally baffled him, while at the same time, humanized her. All this time, he'd thought her perfect, so to see her lose her cool, snap at a friend, and then burst into tears made him think for a fleeting moment that maybe, just maybe, she wasn't so out of reach, after all.
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Finally, after what felt like hours, Ben arrived at Ackbar's Math class, making sure to avoid eye-contact with the flaky-skinned, bug-eyed teacher, before choosing a seat towards the back of the room, wanting to simply blend in and be forgotten about, keeping his head down and avoiding the gazes of everyone around him, knowing that they were all surely staring at him like he was some sort of alien.
Ben was only vaguely aware of the fact that Rey shared this very same class with him, a fact that both comforted and terrified him, because as soothing as her presence was, it only made distraction even easier, due to the fact that he was easily distracted on the best of days. Still, unable to help himself, Ben chanced a look in Rey's direction, only to see that the girl was still struggling, sniffling quietly as her shoulders shook, all the while Finn reassuringly held her hand under the table, a hand that she was currently clinging onto for dear life, to the extent that it was painful for the boy, but he didn't let that stop him. His friend needed him, and he'd be there for her in any way he could.
"ALRIGHT CLASS, OPEN YOUR TEXTBOOKS TO PAGE 1313 EXAMPLE B!", Ackbar bellowed, causing Ben to visibly cringe, knowing that despite the already painful volume, this was the man's speaking voice, and the thought of anyone pissing him off was enough to make the boy shiver with sheer dread.
Minutes passed, with Ackbar ranting on and on about some sort of formula or equation, one that Ben was trying his absolute hardest to understand, but to no avail. He was utterly lost, just as he always was, and then of course, the familiar, almost comforting sensation of fear and inadequacy reared its ugly head, causing Ben to fall even further behind the rest of the class.
Still, he turned pages as he was told to and copied everything down as instructed, but none of it meant anything to him, with it all just boiling down to an abstract arrangement of numbers, letters, and symbols. The worst part of it all was that everyone else seemed to understand perfectly without any difficulty, keeping up with the teacher's breakneck pace without breaking a sweat, which only made Ben feel yet more useless. Deep down, in the rational part of his mind, he knew that he wasn't any less intelligent than his peers, but his difficulty to quickly grasp simple concepts made that fact very hard to accept.
"BEN, WHAT'S THE ANSWER TO NUMBER 3?", Ackbar bellowed, looking expectantly at the frightened young man before him, all the while several students winced, knowing what came next wouldn't be pretty.
With his worst fears having come to pass, Ben gazed nervously at Ackbar, taking a deep, shaky breath, before finally giving an answer that he knew wouldn't be satisfactory. "I-I don't know, Sir, I don't understand... I'm sorry...", he murmured quietly, before hanging his head in shame, tears threatening to spill out at the slightest provocation, causing Finn, Rey, and several others to glance sympathetically at him, knowing it wasn't his fault.
"YOU DON'T KNOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW? I JUST EXPLAINED IT TO THE WHOLE CLASS, AND EVERYONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS IT, SO WHY DON'T YOU?", Ackbar roared, unable to realize the irony in his own words.
"I'm sorry, I'm trying my best... I just... I just can't grasp it, would you mind explaining it to me, again? It won't take long, I just nee-", Ben murmured, his voice slurred by the defeated sobs that he was holding back with all the emotional strength that he had left.
"DO YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE THE TIME TO WASTE ON GOING OVER THIS WITH YOU? YOU SHOULD'VE PAYED ATTENTION THE FIRST TIME.", he snapped, causing Ben to roughly pull at his own hair in his anguish, totally ignoring the pain.
"I was paying attention, I always pay attention!", the boy wailed, tears streaming down his face, causing several students to laugh under their breath, but most to glare at the teacher while he wasn't looking, with Rey in particular glaring cold, icy daggers at the man. "I just... I just need a little more help sometimes, that's all...", Ben whispered pleadingly, begging the teacher with his eyes to simply leave him alone.
Finally, Ackbar sighed in exasperation, choosing to move on, all the while Ben loudly panted, desperately trying to get his emotions in check, but to no avail, and feeling that she was the only thing that could possibly calm him down, Ben once again turned to Rey, his tortured, vulnerable eyes staring at the girl, looking to her like a lifeline.
Then, to Ben's surprise, Rey met his gaze, causing all air to leave his lungs as time stood still for a moment, with the boy not having the slightest clue of what to expect. Then, to his absolute shock, the object of his affection simply gave him a weak, tired smile, before raising her hand and giving him a cute little wave with her fingers, yet her eyes held so, so much pain, pain that deeply resonated deep within Ben's soul. It was such a simple gesture, but just that tiny little bit of acknowledgement caused Ben to smile wider than he had for longer than he could ever remember, a smile of pure, genuine happiness. At the sight of his entire demeanor changing as a result, Rey couldn't help but match his smile, with the thought that she'd somehow managed to brighten up somebody's day making her feel just the slightest bit of contentment and self-worth for once.
"NOW YOU'RE DISTRACTING MY OTHER STUDENTS, ARE YOU?", Ackbar hissed, instantly shattering the precious moment between the two tortured youths.
"No, Sir, he didn't do anything wrong, If anything, I distracted him...", Rey pleaded, attempting to convince the teacher to go easy on Ben, all the while Finn nodded along, silently backing up his friend.
"HOW CAN I HELP YOU WHEN YOU NEVER LISTEN?", Ackbar asked, totally ignoring Rey, only for Ben's eyes to immediately change, going from happy and relieved, to pleading and desperate, to vicious and defensive, his hands tightly gripping the side of the desk to stop himself from flipping it over in his anger.
"No... No... YOU NEVER LISTEN!", Ben roared, slamming his fist down on the desk, prompting many of his peers to jump in shock. "YOU NEVER FUCKING LISTEN, NONE OF YOU DO!", he screamed, violently beating his fist against the table until his knuckles bled, but he was too enraged to even feel pain, his eyes wide and feral, with even Ackbar looking seriously intimidated, but beyond that, the man's face was lined with guilt, knowing that he'd pushed the boy to such hysterics. "Can't you understand that there's something wrong with me? That I'm not like everyone else? I wish I was, but I'm not, and there's nothing I can do about it! I'm sorry I always fall behind in your class, but I want you to know that no matter how much you hate me, I'll always hate myself more...", Ben trailed off, before violently banging his head against the table, screaming in anguish, not from the physical pain, but from the emotional anguish.
The rest of the class either looked away in disgust or kept watching out of morbid curiosity, although Rey found herself once again on the brink of tears upon witnessing the horrific sight. "He just asked for help and then looked at you, he didn't even do anything wrong... And neither did you...", Finn hissed at Rey in utter disbelief at just how badly the situation had descended into chaos, with the girl simply shaking her head in despair, but Finn knew Rey better than most, and he knew she would inevitably blame herself for this.
Unable to stop himself, Ben beat his head against the desk a second time, causing a sickening thud to reverberate through the room, before Ackbar finally sprinted across the room, firmly grasping Ben's arms and violently shaking the boy out of his self-destructive meltdown. "BEN, THAT'S ENOUGH!", he shouted, which only caused the boy's sobbing to become even more broken, both out of fear and humiliation. He had just totally broken down in front of the whole class, in front of Rey. She'd never want him now, Ben convinced himself, the thought of which only made his cries yet more disturbed. "You're right... I don't understand...", Ackbar sighed, finally managing to lower his voice to a certain degree. "But I don't hate you, Ben, I don't know why you'd think I do", he trailed off, which ignited another small spark of anger in Ben, as he thought it was very obvious as to why he felt so hated. "Look, why don't you leave the class early, go for a walk or something?", he asked with a tone that Ben couldn't quite place. Was it sympathy? Compassion? Remorse?
"B-But I need to stay here, if I leave, then I'll never understand anything!", he babbled worriedly, prompting Ackbar to simply shake his head and sigh.
"Don't worry about it, you clearly have enough going on already, now get out of my sight...", he mumbled, although there was no venom in his tone as he gestured to the door.
Ben simply gave a shaky nod of thanks before slowly rising to his unsteady feet and stumbling towards the door. However, before he left, he chanced another look at Rey, expecting her to either be laughing at him, or worse, afraid of him, but to his surprise, her eyes were already on him, shining with unshed tears and full of worry and sympathy for him. Lost for words, Ben simply gave her the tiniest, weakest smile, but after everything that had happened, it was the best he could muster. Still she smiled right back at him, causing the boy to let out a breath that he hadn't even realized he was holding in, before he finally left the room, feeling just a little better than he had mere moments previously.
"Alright, Class, Just work quietly, I suppose...", Ackbar grumbled, before sitting behind his desk and burying his face in his hands, shaking his head and sighing in a mixture of shame and exhaustion.
Rey's smile lingered for a few seconds after Ben left the room, a detail that wasn't lost on Finn, who simply raised an eyebrow at his long-time friend, silently demanding answers, to which she simply shrugged, before returning her attention to her work, her smile never quite vanishing.