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It all begins because Kaz gets detention.
He doesn’t mean to get detention; he never intended to get caught at all. But Bolliger has always been a snitch, ratting Kaz out the first chance he gets. Luckily, Mr. Haskell is in charge of delinquent students and not Principal Rollins. Not only is the man a coward who doesn’t know how to effectively punish his students, he is also Kaz’s guardian.
“I can’t keep covering for you, Brekker,” Haskell says. Kaz wants to scoff; sure, because he is the sole reason Kaz escapes trouble. It has nothing to do with Kaz’s own brains and talent. “Sooner or later, you’re going to face a problem I can’t weasel you out of. Then what?”
It’s a rhetorical question, but Kaz can’t stop himself from saying, “Then I weasel myself out.” Like always.
Haskell sighs. It’s been like this for years: Haskell thinks he has some hold on Kaz’s life, and he goes on to prove the old man wrong. Kaz’s life has always been his own, despite what his guardian thinks.
“At least thank me for putting you on yearbook duty.” Kaz grimaces. “You love photography!”
“Photography, not yearbook.” The tryhards on yearbook have been trying to get Kaz to join for his entire high school career. It’s not a secret that Kaz Brekker is gifted with a camera, but few people have seen what he chooses to photograph.
“I don’t have to put you on yearbook. You could be cleaning the bathrooms, or serving Rollins for a day. Remember, I’m doing you a favor, boy,” Haskell says.
So, Kaz sighs and takes the cheap camera, heading to the football field.
The various dance teams are spread out all across the field. Kaz is slightly grateful it’s the dance teams and not any sports. The jocks would pretend to be friendly, only to push him in the grass moments later. At least the girls let him know they hate him outright.
Despite his reputation for taking good photos, his reputation for being an asshole is what he’s truly known for. Kaz doesn’t really mind; he hates his peers and they hate him. It’s a symbiotic relationship.
He takes a seat on the bleachers, far enough so no one will try to make conversation, while close enough to still take good photos. Who knows what Haskell will do if Kaz doesn’t even try.
Probably make me walk to school.
The teams start their warmups and Kaz begins taking pictures. He takes more time than necessary to line up the shots, wanting to make sure the angle and lighting is right. He is Kaz Brekker and he does not take a bad picture. It’s honestly the only thing that might get him into college.
“You might want to get a higher angle on that one,” a voice says. It startles Kaz, and he almost drops the camera. It wouldn’t have been the biggest loss if he did; the school’s cameras have always been shit.
Kaz turns and sitting behind him is a girl. The sun is just low enough to make it look like she has a halo. Like she’s sun personified. It makes Kaz lose his breath just a little bit.
She isn’t entirely wrong, is the thing. The angle is, in fact, too low, but the bleacher stairs have always given him hell. Kaz gestures to his cane.
Understanding seems to wash over her as she says, “I can help you.” She quickly takes the camera from him and practically flies up the stairs of the bleachers, her feet never truly touching the ground. She looks through the camera, adjusts her position slightly, and snaps the shot.
The girl returns almost as quickly as she left. She gives him back the camera, their hands brushing ever so slightly. Whatever trance Kaz was in, he snaps out of. He pulls back from her, and if she’s offended by it, she doesn’t show it.
The picture isn’t bad. It’s not good but it’s not bad. She has some potential.
He goes to tell her that she needs to keep her attention on the glare, but when he turns back around, she’s gone. Kaz only finds her again as he’s looking through the camera lens, spots her on the opposite side of the field. She’s with another girl and a boy, both much taller than her. It looks like she’s dancing but Kaz can’t really tell.
As the various dance teams start to cool down and head home, Kaz sees the girl leaving as well. Something in him tells him to follow her, but Kaz knows she’ll find him again. She’ll make herself known when she wants to.
He’s right.
She finds him two days later, as he’s leaving the school’s dark room. This time she doesn’t surprise him; though she makes no noise, he can tell when she’s next to him. One moment he’s alone and the next her presence is unavoidable.
“I can help you,” she says for the second time.
Kaz snorts as he asks, “With what?”
She keeps pace with him, going neither faster nor slower. He appreciates it just a little bit.
“You need a subject for your college applications, right?” Kaz isn’t that surprised she knows. Anyone who knows of him knows photography will be his major at whatever sorry school will have him.
His grades aren’t bad, but Kaz doesn’t put effort into things that don’t benefit him. Why should he spend hours of his life composing an essay when the school’s IT guy will tell him how to dismantle and reassemble a camera in the same amount of time.
“Are you offering?” Kaz asks. The girl blushes just slightly. He still doesn’t know her name. “Listen, Miss…”
“Ghafa. Inej Ghafa.” Inej. Kaz has heard of her before. One of Coach Heleen’s prized ballet dancers, light on her feet, constantly in the know of everyone’s gossip, but never participating in it herself. In short, she’s a ghost.
“Inej, I’m perfectly capable of finding a subject myself.”
“Like anyone else will want to work with you.”
Kaz is so surprised that he barks out a laugh before he can help himself. Inej’s smile is shy but proud.
The funny thing is, she’s not wrong. Jesper offered to be photographed, but the day ended in snide comments and an awkward lunch where Wylan did most of the talking. Jesper claimed Kaz was being too difficult and that it was ‘only a picture’, which made Kaz seriously consider punching the boy in the nose.
He knows he could have gotten his photos that day if things were different.
How many times had Jordie encouraged Kaz’s art, when they were too small to understand what made a picture good? How many times had he let Kaz smother him and use him as a model? He could’ve been Kaz’s subject and he wouldn’t have complained one tiny bit.
But here was Inej Ghafa, offering despite Kaz’s reputation. She had even seen a tiny portion of his process already.
“What’s in it for you?” he asks.
“You’re close with Mr. Haskell. I’m sure if you pulled some strings, the theater could be empty for an hour or two.”
Tante Heleen’s prized ballet dancer, never let out of the woman’s sight when it comes to her craft. The school’s ghost who is hardly seen when she’s on stage, never given a solo or a chance to showcase all she can do. She wants to be free.
Kaz considers her for a moment. She’s pretty, but that’s not what matters when it comes to his pictures. He can see what lurks beneath, the fire in her eyes. She is going to be very dangerous indeed.
“Meet me at The Crow Club after school. I’m sure we can come up with some agreement,” Kaz says. Inej smiles and it’s nearly blinding. Kaz looks away, unable to fathom that he put that smile on her face. When he looks back up, she’s gone.
Very dangerous indeed.
“At least let me go in with you,” Nina says, arm looped through Inej’s as they stand outside The Crow Club. It’s not even close to being the best restaurant in town, but it’s cheap and gives discounts to students. It’s also loud enough that no one would overhear Inej’s conversation with the infamous Kaz Brekker.
Nina and Matthias both warned Inej about him, that he’s a demon, a liar, a cheat. Inej has known her fair share of liars and cheats. How bad could a demon be?
He wasn’t exactly what she was expecting when she first talked to him on the bleachers. He just looked like a boy. Sure, he had a perpetual scowl on his face, but she managed to get him to laugh. She counts that as a win.
“Nina, I’ll be fine. He’s going to photograph me, not leave me floating in a lake.”
“That’s what you think. Tomorrow I’ll get a call saying my dearest friend is missing and the only thing the cops found was a singular black glove.”
Inej throws her head back and laughs. People say that Kaz’s hands are stained red, that he has demon claws, and a million other reasons as to why he wears black leather gloves day in and day out. Inej doesn’t think she’s ever seen his bare hands.
Not that it matters. They all have their reasons. She doesn’t need his life story; she just needs a place to perform.
Nina begrudgingly waits outside as Inej enters the restaurant. It’s not exceptionally crowded for a Friday afternoon, but there’s enough people that Inej will not capture anyone’s attention.
Except Kaz’s.
When her eyes find him, his gaze is already on her.
“I can get you into the theater anytime you need it all next week,” Kaz says, not waiting for Inej to sit down.
“Aren’t you at least going to let me order first before we discuss business?”
As if on cue, a tall, lanky boy Inej recognizes from school arrives at their table, dropping off two large fries and two cups of soda. Kaz looks positively mortified.
“I, uh, work here, so it’s free,” he explains. Inej bites back a smile and silently takes a fry from the basket. If he’s paying, the least she can do is not say a word.
Their deal is simple: Kaz sneaks Inej into the theater so she can film her routine for college apps, and Inej models for Kaz so he can fulfill the human subject required for his own application.
“And he didn’t, like, make you sell your soul? You didn’t sing like Ariel in The Little Mermaid , did you?” Nina asks as she drives Inej home.
“No,” Inej laughs, though it feels slightly forced. “My soul is still very much mine.”
Inej has heard the rumors, of course she has. That Kaz Brekker has beaten up every player on the football team without breaking a sweat; that Kaz Brekker got caught swiping exam answers from Principal Rollins’s office; that Kaz Brekker is the devil himself.
If Inej knows anything from the two conversations she’s had with him, it’s that Kaz would have never gotten caught stealing from Rollins.
So if everything else is on the table, why does she feel weirdly defensive?
Maybe because he saw you first.
Inej shakes her head at the thought. The only thing she owes Kaz is a few photos, that’s it. She won’t make this into something it’s not.
Inej is leaning against the lockers, scrolling on her phone when Kaz finds her. They agreed to meet near the back entrance of the theater, just to make sure they don’t get caught.
“I never get caught,” Kaz had said. Inej rolled her eyes, making Kaz’s mouth quirk up just a little bit.
It was easy enough to get another detention, to ensure it was Haskell dealing out the punishment instead of Rollins. It was doubly easy to make Haskell think yearbook was the last thing Kaz wanted to do. He had snatched the camera and made his way to the theater.
Kaz opens the back door, tries not to tense as Inej brushes past him. But she keeps her distance, knowing not to touch him.
Before Kaz had become Per Haskell’s problem, he lived with his older brother. Lived with is a bit of a stretch; the two boys were homeless a few months after arriving in Ketterdam, hiding in alleys and under bridges. Even then Kaz knew they were in trouble, as Jordie’s face became more gaunt and his frame more thin. But Jordie pushed on, caring for Kaz as much as he could. In the end, it wasn’t enough.
When Kaz was around twelve, a deadly flu spread through Ketterdam, claiming any and every living thing. Including Jordie. Kaz didn’t even realize his brother was dead at first. One morning he just woke up and Jordie was practically crushing him, dead flesh against Kaz’s.
Another full day passed before the boys were found. Kaz has worn gloves ever since, unable to stand even the briefest of touches. Inej seems to have caught on.
“I’ll keep watch so no one disturbs you,” he says as Inej sits on the edge of the stage. She takes her ballet shoes out of her bag, a pair of dark brown pointe shoes. She hesitates for a moment, her foot halfway into the shoe.
Her voice is barely about a whisper but the theater turns it into a shout. “You could stay.” Kaz freezes. When he looks up at her, she’s not looking at him, laser-focused on tying the laces correctly. “I need someone to run the music.”
Oh.
Kaz tries to stamp down the tiny bit of disappointment he feels. He will admit he’s curious to see the school’s ghost perform for the first time, but he would never ask first. The thought that she would want him to watch her dance is…
It’s nothing.
They don’t owe each other anything outside of their agreement.
Kaz nods, watches Inej’s shoulders drop slightly as she relaxes. She motions for him to press record on her phone, set up on a cheap tripod. The phone chimes as the video starts, and her small nod tells him to start up the music.
The piece isn’t anything Kaz has heard before. It’s certainly not what he would imagine for a ballet routine. It starts off slow and soft, a piano sounding unsure of itself. Inej’s moves seem to copy the song, starting off slow and unsure. But then the entire piece is disrupted by a cello, and Inej grows.
Watching her dance is captivating. Kaz won’t deny he was intrigued by her when they first met on the bleachers, but this is something else. It feels like she’s letting him in to see something hardly anyone gets to see. Maybe he can return the favor.
The piano and cello fight for dominance while Inej is at war with herself; Kaz can see it on her face. And to think she was only ever in the background. Coach Heleen is an idiot.
As the song starts to come to an end, Inej preps for a pirouette. The last chord of the piano plays and Inej is spinning at the speed of light, a blur of a girl. She ends with a perfect pose.
Kaz snaps out of whatever spell he was under to stop the recording. Inej looks winded and her forehead shines with sweat, but she’s smiling. It’s a glorious sight to see.
“How was I?” she asks like she didn’t just enchant Kaz. He wants to tell her the truth; that she was spectacular and beautiful and will charm every college admissions officer. But he was always out of practice when it came to using his words.
“Ask a dance teacher,” is what he says instead. Inej’s smile disappears, and Kaz has to live with the fact that he caused it.
“So, when should we take your pictures?” she asks, voice turned to ice. Kaz supposes he deserves that.
Thursday. “Tomorrow.” Tomorrow he has a test to study for with Wylan and Jesper. Tomorrow he doesn’t have time to stare at Inej Ghafa and say it’s because of his art. But he wants a second chance to see her smile like that again. Maybe he’ll even make her laugh. He bets she has a very nice laugh.
“Tomorrow,” Inej agrees. She sits down on the stage, begins untying her laces. Kaz takes it as his cue to leave. He’s almost out the door when Inej calls his name. He doesn’t turn around. “Thank you.”
“Thank me when you get into college.”
“You know, Kaz, when I said I wanted to use my free period to be productive, I meant getting waffles and coffee,” Jesper says. “Not… studying .”
Kaz dragged Jesper and Wylan to the library at the beginning of their free period, ready to cram for AP chemistry. He just wants to get ahead, that’s all.
“Jes has a point,” Wylan says through a yawn. “I thought we were going to study after school.”
“I’m busy after school,” Kaz says. He knows they’re going to pry but desperately wishes they won’t be so damn predictable for once.
Jesper raises an eyebrow, the wheels in his head already starting to spin. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with that girl you were with at The Crow Club last week, now would it?”
“Girl?” Wylan asks. “What girl?”
Kaz will, honest to god, murder them both.
“There is no girl,” Kaz says. “She’s just helping me with college apps.”
“Aha! So there is a girl,” Jesper shouts in triumph. Thankfully not many people are in the library this early in the morning, but Kaz wants to crawl in a hole all the same.
“Are you photographing her?” Wylan asks.
Kaz’s silence is answer enough.
Jesper’s practically in tears, he’s laughing so hard. “I cannot believe that Kaz Brekker himself got a girlfriend. I never thought this day would come.”
“I will fucking murder you,” Kaz says through gritted teeth.
“Oh, you can try, babe.”
Only later does Kaz realize Jordie would have reacted in the same way. He would have made fun of Kaz, asking all about Inej. He would have begged to tag along, if only to further embarrass Kaz. Maybe a kinder Kaz would have let him.
He really needs to get new friends.
Inej gets a text from Kaz during lunch to meet at the bleachers after school. They exchanged numbers at The Crow Club but they never text. Well, until now. Inej doesn’t hope whatever this is will turn into a real friendship, but the intrigue is there. What do the two boys who always accompany him see in him that no one else does? What makes them stay?
She finds him already there, waiting for her. He’s fiddling with his camera, not even looking at her when he says, “Good afternoon, Inej.”
She never expects him to realize she’s there until she makes herself known, but he does. It’s weird. Inej can’t tell if it’s a good or a bad weird yet.
“So, where do we start?” Inej asks. Kaz finally looks up at her and something in his posture shifts. Inej doesn’t know what caused it but it makes her feel self-conscious all the same.
He motions for her to sit down, and Inej angles herself, hoping the light catches her right or whatever it was that Kaz said one time. He frowns.
“No poses,” he says. Inej barks out a laugh.
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
Kaz is silent for a moment, and Inej is slightly worried she did something wrong. She wouldn’t want an outsider to correct her posture; maybe she overstepped.
But he just shakes his head slightly and says, “Act natural. Talk to me.”
“About what?”
“Anything.”
His voice is softer than the moment calls for, his usual rough tone replaced. Inej wonders if he only talks to her like that. Then she wonders why she even cares.
So she talks about her parents, about Nina and Matthias, about why she got into dancing in the first place. She tells him that her father was a professional ballet dancer when he was younger, that her mother saw him perform and immediately fell in love with him. She pretends not to notice how Kaz’s cheeks turn the lightest of pinks.
The conversation is one-sided but not in an awkward way. Kaz is focusing on angles and lighting and whatever else you need to make a picture look good, and Inej finds that she doesn’t mind this. She actually likes telling Kaz about her life. Maybe it is a good weird.
He snaps the last few pictures as the sun begins to set.
“I’ll get them processed and show you tomorrow,” he says, packing up his bag. Tomorrow. Inej shouldn’t be so excited. Tomorrow she has a presentation in her government class. Tomorrow she has practice with Coach Heleen. She should be dreading tomorrow.
She isn’t.
Inej doesn’t expect the dark room to be so… creepy. It looks like something out of a 90s horror movie and she’s the last survivor, waiting to be killed.
Kaz laughs when she tells him this. She really likes making him laugh. She notices it’s not something he usually does, which is a shame. But she sees the small smiles he gives to the two boys - Jesper and Wylan, she learns - and maybe she can get Kaz Brekker out of his shell enough to laugh freely.
(Jesper had practically dragged Kaz and Wylan to Inej’s table at lunch, apparently eager to meet the girl who gets Kaz to move their study times. The introduction made both Kaz and Inej blush, leading everyone at the table to call them out for it.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter. They know what this is, what they are to each other. They don’t need to make it complicated with feelings.)
They wait in silence as the pictures process. Inej is fascinated by how they suddenly just appear on the paper, seemingly out of nowhere. She knows some things about photography, mainly due to taking pictures of Nina for her Instagram, but not enough to use a proper camera. She’s slightly in awe of Kaz.
Inej actually gasps when she sees Kaz’s pictures.
They’re mainly black and white but there’s one picture that’s in color, and it takes Inej’s breath away. The sunset is casting everything in a soft orange glow and Inej hardly recognizes herself. Is this how Kaz sees her?
“Kaz, these are… incredible,” she breathes out. She looks up to find Kaz already looking at her. There’s suddenly not enough air in the room. “Any school will be lucky to have you.”
He looks away. He chuckles but there’s no warmth in it. Inej feels like she’s overstepped again. It only slightly infuriates her. “We’ll see.”
Kaz accompanies Inej to her practice, and they both seem hesitant to say goodbye. She suspects he knows of Coach Heleen’s reputation; there are few who don't know how Tante Heleen selects a star dancer among the freshman class, clings to their side, and essentially denies them any chance of improvement. Unfortunately for Inej, Heleen set her sights on her on Inej’s first day.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Kaz asks. Inej likes that it’s a question. She likes that Kaz knows her making an appearance isn’t a guarantee, but he wants it to be one. She can work with that.
“Tomorrow,” Inej agrees.
Kaz realizes that whatever this thing is with Inej could have technically been over weeks ago. She already submitted her application to a few prestigious dance schools, and Kaz’s own application is due in a few days.
But she keeps showing up, and he can’t bring himself to ignore her.
Jesper has officially merged their lunch tables, so Kaz has to deal with Nina’s glares and Matthias’s wary looks, but he thinks it’s worth it to hear Inej’s laugh.
He was right before: Inej is very dangerous. He’s become so in tune with her, meeting her before and after school, bringing her free fries at The Crow Club as she works on her homework. She sends him god-awful pop and country songs, asking if she should use them for her next routine. Kaz always says yes.
Kaz knows it’s becoming a problem when Jesper asks him about it. It’s always a problem when others can see your tell.
“What do you mean, Jesper?” Kaz asks, feigning innocence. It hardly works; Kaz Brekker has never been innocent.
“Don’t pretend like you don’t know. Everyone can tell you’re disgustingly in love with her, so just ask her out.”
The thing is, Kaz wants to. He desperately wants to be able to take her to a restaurant that’s actually nice, to watch all her performances like a supportive boyfriend. Disgusting, he thinks to himself. Kaz has never wanted to be someone’s boyfriend before.
He can imagine Jesper’s response: So what’s holding you back?
Everything.
She doesn’t know the full truth about him. He can’t imagine her sticking around much longer after that. But he has always been a selfish person, so he’ll keep that secret locked and secured like he always does, if only to keep Inej for the few months they have left. He doesn’t really expect her to keep in contact once they graduate.
They’re at the park, all cramming for the various AP tests they have coming up. Nina and Jesper are currently quizzing Wylan for his calculus test, while Kaz and Matthias are trying to work through history. It’s mind-numbingly boring.
“Kaz!” Inej calls. Kaz turns his head and suddenly there’s a click and a flash of light. He had gotten Inej a cheap polaroid camera for her birthday, and she has since used it to take increasingly embarrassing photos of all their friends.
The film pops out of the top of the camera, and Kaz isn’t entirely displeased with how it turned out.
Inej snapped the picture right as Kaz realized it was her, so his expression isn’t one of surprise but one of fondness. Inej’s own expression softens as she looks at it.
“Not bad for a shitty polaroid,” Kaz says.
Inej tears her gaze away from the picture to look at Kaz. “And now I have an actual picture of you.”
“But then your brother won’t think I’m some cryptid you met in the woods.” Inej laughs, and Kaz wishes he could bottle the sound.
“Ugh, get a room,” Nina says, throwing one of Wylan’s flashcards at them.
Inej gets his text at 11:24 at night.
kazzle dazzle: i didn’t get in
All the breath is sucked out of her lungs. She feels heartbroken and knows she’s feeling only a fraction of what Kaz is feeling.
Inej considers her options before deciding on the one that will certainly get her in the most trouble. He’s worth the risk.
darling inej: keep your window unlocked i’m on my way
Inej has never been to Kaz’s house, but Nina has dropped him off enough that Inej has the route memorized. She knows he lives with Mr. Haskell, that the teacher took Kaz in when he enrolled at the high school. He’s never said why, but Inej wants to bet Haskell is the reason Kaz never has guests over.
She makes it to his house in under ten minutes. It’s a short, squat building with vines crawling up the sides. The door’s paint is chipped, and Inej can see crumbles of brick around the perimeter. Or maybe that’s why.
A window left ajar lets Inej know where Kaz’s room is. She creeps in, careful not to make a sound. Kaz is sitting upright on his bed, clearly frustrated. Moonlight shines in through the window and it illuminates him. He’s glowing.
“You didn’t have to come,” he whispers.
“Of course I did,” Inej replies. She tiptoes across the room to his bed, unsure if she should sit down or not. Kaz scoots over slightly and Inej takes the invitation. Only now does she realize his hands are bare.
In the many months they’ve known each other, Inej has never seen Kaz without his gloves, and he has never offered up an explanation. She knows better than to ask.
“This doesn’t mean anything, Kaz,” Inej says. “You’re still a great photographer.”
“Newsflash, Inej, people being paid to take pictures know when they’re good or not.” Fine. If he’s going to be an asshole, then Inej won’t waste her time. But she came all this way; she risked waking her parents for him. Please be worth the risk.
“They’re getting paid. Talent has nothing to do with it, money does. Those admissions people will accept and reject anyone as long as they get paid. It has nothing to do with you.”
Kaz finally looks up at her. It’s unnerving to see his dark eyes against his moonlight skin.
“Some stupid trust fund kid probably had his daddy pay his way in,” Kaz sneers. It brings the smallest smile to Inej’s face. She’s seen Kaz arrogant, and she’s seen Kaz proud. He could always stand to be taken down a peg, but Inej could not bear to see him stripped of his pride.
“You’ll get into the next school. And if not, you’ll figure it out from there. It won’t be the end of the world.”
They take a minute to just look at each other. Seeing Kaz at night, hair messy, hands bare, is a level of intimacy Inej was never expecting to reach with him. She likes him; at this point there’s no doubt about that. But Kaz always seems to keep people many arms lengths away, and Inej has accepted that she’ll never quite reach him.
Rather harsh truths than pretty lies, a voice says in her head. It sounds like Kaz.
She had been prepared to say goodbye to him forever after they held up the ends of their deal. But he didn’t chase her away. When she showed up, he greeted her, always knowing when she was there.
“Inej, I-” Kaz starts, unable to find the words. Please, Inej thinks, give me something to hope for.
His gaze drops down, and Inej realizes their hands are closer than they were when the conversation started. Kaz’s breath hitches and he pulls away. Inej knows not to push him. She’ll let him come to her. But it’s been months of study sessions, free fries, and any excuse to look at each other. Inej has found she’s tired of waiting.
“Kaz, what is this?” she asks. Kaz looks at her again. His pupils are blown wide. “Is this all we’re ever going to be?”
He stays silent. Inej accepts that as her answer.
“I hope you get into another school.”
And then she’s gone.
They don’t sit with Kaz, Jesper, and Wylan at lunch. Inej practically begs Nina to drive them and Matthias somewhere, anywhere, during their break. She really can’t bring herself to see him.
This continues for the rest of the week. Then a week turns into a month.
Inej doesn’t think of herself as a lonely person. She’s had Nina and Matthias since their sophomore year and that was always fine. She can bounce back from Kaz Brekker. But then she gets accepted into her top school, and suddenly Nina’s hugs and Matthias’s kiss on her forehead and her family’s celebrations aren’t enough anymore.
Prom season begins, which Inej avoids like the plague. A small part of her had hoped maybe Kaz would ask her, or she would have the courage to ask him. She feels very foolish now.
“And you’re positive you don’t want to go dress shopping with me and Zoya?” Nina asks. Inej nods, and Nina leaves her on the far end of the football field. She needs to practice her new routine anyway.
The song is fast and angry, and soon Inej forgets her entire routine and just dances. The wind lashes at her hair, and Inej’s sides ache, but she doesn’t care. She feels like a bird in flight. She feels weightless. She feels free and present in her own body. The last time she felt this free was… was when she danced in front of Kaz.
“No wonder you got accepted,” a rough voice says behind her, startling her. Inej whips around to see Kaz, the first time she’s seen him in about a month. Of course he heard she got accepted. Her chest aches at the sight of him, and oh how she’s missed him.
He’s not wearing his gloves.
“What are you doing here?” Inej asks.
“I-” Kaz starts but cuts himself off. A habit he’s picked up in recent weeks. Inej doesn’t know what she expected. “I’m sorry.” Oh. Well it certainly wasn’t that.
“For what?” If they’re going to do this, she has to know he’s all in. That he’s willing to try.
“For pushing you away when it’s the last thing I want to do. Inej, I… I want-” Kaz sighs in frustration, runs a hand through his hair. “I want you. I want to be with you.”
Inej blushes almost as violently as Kaz does. But it’s progress. She has to give him that.
“I won’t pretend to know what you’ve gone through, Kaz, but you don’t have to keep me at arm’s length. I’ll have you without armor, or not at all. Are you willing to try?”
Inej’s heart skips a beat as Kaz takes a step closer to her. Another step. Another. Soon she has to crane her neck slightly to look him in the eyes.
“I am,” Kaz says, and then slowly takes Inej’s hand in his. They both inhale, not used to skin on skin contact. He’s truly trying, she can tell, but it’s not enough. His eyes are screwed shut, his breathing rapid, sweat shining on his forehead.
“It’s not easy for me either,” Inej whispers, hoping it helps. Kaz’s eyes fly open. “There have been boys. And girls. And angry dance teachers. I’ve learned that I should avoid them the hard way.” A spark of something, maybe anger, flashes in Kaz’s eyes but it’s gone just as quickly. She’s losing him.
Then, “I can’t get expelled for punching a teacher if I’m about to graduate, right?”
Inej throws her head back and laughs.
Kaz’s eyes clear just slightly. His breathing isn’t as rapid. Inej can feel herself grow calmer too. Baby steps.
Kaz has been fiddling with his stupid tie for almost ten minutes now and he’s going to lose his mind.
“You can pick the lock to Van Eck’s desk in five seconds flat, but this is where you struggle?” Jesper asks. His own tie is done perfectly, a deep green to match Wylan’s.
Kaz goes silent, his way of asking for help. Jesper just rolls his eyes, helping Kaz anyway. He’s closer than he’s ever been, but Kaz is trying not to mind it. He’s been getting better, or at least trying to get better. The cold doesn’t seep in as much anymore, and Jordie isn’t as constant a thought as he used to be.
Nina emerges from the other room with her cap and gown already on. “Are we making fun of Kaz for being fucking incompetent?” Powdered sugar lines her mouth.
Inej trails in after Nina. “About what this time?” she asks. Kaz puts a hand to his chest.
“Darling Inej, light of my life, I cannot believe you would wound me like this,” he says.
“Shut up, you couldn’t tell me you liked me until seven months later!”
“Do they ever shut up?” Matthias asks. He wraps his arm around Nina, kissing her and getting powdered sugar on his face.
“At this point, it’s highly unlikely,” Wylan says, adjusting his cap.
Kaz feels thoroughly ganged up on.
Inej walks past Wylan, hits his cap off of his head. He sticks his tongue out at her, but Inej just smiles as she finds her spot next to Kaz. They’re shoulder to shoulder, the backs of their hands brushing slightly. It sends a fire through Kaz.
She notices his tie, a deep blue that matches the color of her dress. Kaz had been against it at first; it’s stupid and cliche and caused their friends to tease them. But it also made Inej smile when he asked if the colors matched. He thinks that made it worth it.
“Did Jes tie it for you?” she asks, voice low so only he can hear. Kaz looks at Jesper, sees him holding Wylan’s cap above his head. Nina is laughing hysterically and Matthias is actually smiling. It makes the constant knot in his chest loosen just slightly.
“He’s never going to let me live it down.” He takes Inej’s hand. “Is it straight?”
Inej laughs before nodding. There’s the laugh.
Logically, Kaz knows climbing up to the Van Eck mansion’s roof is a bad idea. His leg certainly tells him so. But Kaz has done most things out of spite, so this was relatively easy.
The sun peeks through the tall buildings of Ketterdam, practically blinding him. He can feel exhaustion pulling at him, and he knows he should get some sleep, but Wylan insisted everyone spend the night and Kaz wasn’t ready for that. The last time he woke up next to someone, he was dead.
“You’re up early,” Inej says. She sits down next to Kaz, careful to leave some space between them.
They’ve had the summer to get used to each other, to work and try, but there’s still bad days for both of them. Some days Kaz will flinch if Jesper gets too close, and some days Inej will get a distant look in her eye if Nina touches her. But they’re trying.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Kaz replies.
“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?”
It’s almost enough to make Kaz smile.
He decided not to apply to another university and instead is going to Ketterdam Community College. Haskell threw a fit, yelled at Kaz for wasting his potential, but Kaz knows it’s the right decision. He’s going to do what Jordie never could, and that means staying in the city.
And Inej is going to school in a completely different state.
Kaz had the whole summer to accept the fact that she would leave him, but he still can’t fully stomach the thought.
Today’s going to suck.
“I know you said you would, but you don’t have to come. If it’ll be too hard, then-”
“I’ll still come,” Kaz interrupts. “You’d have to break my other leg to keep me from driving you.” Inej smiles.
The sun is a little higher in the sky now, and it shines down on him and Inej. It’s a mirror of the picture he took of her many months ago. The picture he ultimately didn’t use in his portfolio and selfishly kept for himself. It reminds him of when he first saw her, bathed in sunlight.
Selfishly, he tries one more time. “Stay.”
Inej is silent for a moment before saying, “I can’t.”
“I know.”
Just as Kaz has to stay in the city, Inej has to leave. Not that they won’t ever see each other again, but Kaz has gotten used to Inej and her presence, and he doesn’t really like change.
“Nina wanted me to tell you that she’s picking the music and doesn’t care about your authority,” Inej says after too long, her voice too loud for such a quiet moment.
Kaz laughs anyway. “We leave in an hour, I don’t think she’ll be awake enough to undermine my authority.”
An hour.
Selfish, selfish Kaz wishes everyone would sleep in so it could just be him and Inej in the car.
Inej promised herself she wasn’t going to cry, but her stupid friends are making it rather hard to keep that promise. It doesn’t seem fair that right as she got Kaz and Jesper and Wylan, she now has to leave them.
She tells Jesper as such, causing him to say, “I know, I’d miss me too.” She laughs around the lump in her throat, hugging him like her life depends on it.
Nina plants a fat kiss on Inej’s cheek, and Matthias has to bend down awkwardly to kiss the top of her head.
Inej ruffles Wylan’s hair and he swats at her hands. She’s grown rather fond of him, as he seems to be the only one of them with a conscience. Except for maybe Matthias, but Nina seems to have thoroughly corrupted him.
Then Inej is standing in front of Kaz and it’s even harder to keep her promise.
She reaches for him, a silent question, and he answers by pulling her into a hug. She can hear his heartbeat thudding wildly against his chest. She can hear the sharp intake of breath, knows what this means for both of them.
She never wants to let him go.
But it’s time for her to board and say goodbye to her family and leave all her friends behind.
“We love you!” Nina shouts.
Inej refuses to turn back. If she turns back, she knows she’ll stay. She has to leave.
She turns back anyway.
Nina is in tears, as is Jesper and Wylan. Matthias is turned away, no doubt trying to hide his own tears.
Kaz is already gone.
Good. He isn’t one for goodbyes anyway.
When Inej’s flight lands, she has over fifty messages.
a murder of crows: new messages from jes, wylan van sunshine, gal pal, and matt hi ass
jes: INEJ you need to come back kaz is already being mean
gal pal: “jesper don’t be a snitch” KAZ I SWEAR
wylan van sunshine: inej come back only so your bf doesn’t kill mine
gal pal: would it really be the worst thing??
jes: HEY
matt hi ass: it would finally be quiet again
jes: after everything i’ve done to make this friend group work smh my head
gal pal: (inej, kaz is glaring at jesper rn, tell him to keep his eyes on the road)
wylan van sunshine: “you don’t have to narrate your entire text conversation, i assure you i don’t care”
gal pal: kaz you’re not looking at your phone how else will you enjoy this car ride with us
jes: “i prefer in silence” INEJ THAT MEANS HE MISSES YOU
wylan van sunshine: is this entire conversation just to make fun of kaz and inej??
jes: yes
gal pal: yes
matt hi ass: yes
jes: “you have too much energy this early in the morning”
gal pal: yeah because we don’t force ourselves to stay awake 24/7 KAZ
jes: kazzie boi is pulling into the mcdonald’s drive through nina i smell hash browns
matt hi ass: “if you ever call me kazzie boi again you won’t be able to attend your classes in the fall”
gal pal: THIS BITCH ONLY GOT A BLACK COFFEE I HATE MY LIFE
jes: john mulaney was right
wylan van sunshine: hello my name is kaz brekker i’m unfortunately your father
jes: WYLAN I LOVE YOU
gal pal: they are passionately making out now inej you’re lucky you don’t have to see this
Inej is in tears by the time she gets into her Uber. She scrolls through the rest of the conversation, reads that Jesper almost got kicked out of the car, Kaz almost crashed because Nina wouldn’t stop trying to change the music, and they ultimately turned back to McDonald’s to get Nina and Jesper their hash browns.
A pleasant weight settles over Inej’s chest as she types in Kaz’s phone number and waits for him to pick up.
“How was the flight?”
“Not as eventful as your car ride, it seems.”
“They’re lucky I didn’t leave them at that McDonald’s.” Inej cackles at that. She misses him - all of them, but mostly him - already.
“I’m sure Matthias and Wylan were fine.”
“Matthias did absolutely nothing to help me, and Wylan kept pointing at every animal we passed. It was a nightmare, Inej.”
“Aw, you poor thing.” She can hear his laugh through the phone, and she wants to replay it over and over again.
They’re both silent for a moment before Kaz says, voice barely above a whisper, “I miss you.”
The weight on Inej’s chest turns less pleasant as it drags her down, down, down.
“I miss you too.” The Uber pulls up to the school, and the building looms large over the small car. “I have to go now.”
Kaz sighs. “Inej, I…”
“I know.”
She wants to hear him say it, to be able to say it back to him. Because she does, more than she thought she ever would. It doesn’t need to be rushed, though. They have time. She’ll make sure they have time.
“I’ll tell the others you called.” Inej smiles.
“Goodbye, Kaz.”
“Goodbye, Inej.”
She hangs up, takes a breath, and gets out of the car, ready to start anew.