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Emiya Shirou wants to blame Zelretch for this, but for once, the old troll is innocent. Instead, he wakes up after he’s dead (much to his confusion, because people die when they’re killed, you know?) as a tiny red-haired baby, and cries.
Predictably, his first word is “hero!”
Been there, done that.
‘The phrase was practically invented for me,’ thinks Lelouch vi Britannia rather uncharitably, all chubby cheeks and big purple eyes. He’s a toddler, and massively unimpressed by his cooing mother’s attempts to cajole him off his rear and into a walk. He pointedly reaches out for a book, and she sighs gravely.
He wishes he could sigh like that. Instead, somehow, after revolutionising the world by concentrating the world’s hatred onto himself, faking his death, living out an ignominious life as LL before passing on his curse and dying of old age, he’s somehow back again in Japan, to live out his life again.
His name hasn’t even changed, goddamnit!
It was one thing when he was a Prince of Britannia. It’s another when he’s that weird kid from that slightly weird foreign family who are living in the middle of bumfuck Nami-no-where.
School is going to suck. He can’t wait to see what nickname the bullies are going to come up with for him.
Uzumaki Naruto was the proud Seventh Hokage of Konoha. His accomplishments include world peace and, perhaps more importantly and shockingly, bringing Sasuke home (even now, he pointedly ignores the link between the two achievements). He was survived by two adorable (if somewhat rebellious and disgruntled) children, a litter of equally unimpressed grandchildren, a loving wife, a (mostly absent and always violent) brother-in-arms, and a great friend and practically sister-in-law.
In short, when he passed from his world to the next, he had no regrets.
And then.
“That is so not cool, dattebayo,” he scolds, eyeing another blond preschooler in front of him with all the gravitas of a man who ruled a ninja nation and (sort-of) raised two kids and a litter of grandkids.
The other blond, however, remains unimpressed, instead cussing him out creatively with the sort of words that no self-respecting four-year-old should know.
‘Who the hell does this bastard think he is?’ thinks Edward Elric furiously.
He’d died smug in the knowledge that he was, lo and behold, taller than the retired Fuhrer Mustang, lording it over the man at every turn as he served dutifully (if not ever respectfully) as the man’s Minister of Education. He’d resigned from the position once the Fuhrer Bastard left office, returning back to his old post as a Professor in Central, much to Winry’s eternal chagrin.
Now, however, he’s once again four and tiny (the less said about his earlier years, the better), and somehow being scolded by some equally puny, blue-eyed blond boy. While it should be noted that his temper had eventually mellowed out (for a given measure of ‘mellowed out’) in his old age, something about the particular cocktail of a child’s underdeveloped brain, his height (or lack of) and the stresses of pretending to be a well-behaved kid just sets him off like a firecracker.
“Do you even know what he did, asshat?” he demands heatedly.
The topic of their confrontation, a confused black-haired boy with mismatching eyes, shrinks back in on himself apologetically.
“No, but there’s no excuse for bullying, dattebayo!” retorts the other blond equally passionately.
The only vaguely Japanese-looking of the trio looks even more embarrassedly apologetic, before straightening up his spine and stepping between the two blonds.
“I’m sorry!” he cries. “But he looked so delicious I couldn’t help but want to bite him.”
There’s an awkward pause as the gold-eyed blond looks non-plussed, and a little scared (‘Gluttony!’ his mind shrieks), while the blue-eyed blond merely pulls a face before an oddly lascivious leer replaces it.
“Is he your boyfriend?” he asks, straight-faced (while inwardly, Naruto cackles and offers a moment of empathy towards his two perverted old mentors — both fantastical pranksters in their own right, not that he realised until many, many decades later).
The dark-haired boy squeaks a denial, while Ed splutters in horror.
“I’m not gay!” howls the former alchemist once he pulls himself together.
Unhelpful, the other boy follows the wrong train of thought, derailed by the absurdity of the situation, and accidentally forgets to filter his wandering mind when he says:
“I know I’m pansexual, but he’s not my type!”
There’s a moment of confusion as all three realise that none of them are acting like children, though Ed is the first to narrow his eyes suspiciously (he has experience with Pride after all, and while there might not be any alchemy in this world, children who don’t act like children are usually not what they appear to be). Naruto scratches the back of his head, his mind not quite reaching the same conclusions as the alchemist, but nevertheless having his combat instincts flare in alarm. The heretofore yet un-introduced Kaneki Ken, a connoisseur of many kinds of fiction, is the first to postulate a plausible hypothesis.
“Do you have some kind of growth disorder?” he asks, not even pretending to be his apparent age.
Both Naruto and Ed shake their heads in sync, before Ed glares at the amused former Hokage.
“Reincarnation?” offers Ed next, knowing that he’s still useless at complicated games of subterfuge, even after years trapped in the political hell that comes with being a Minister.
Naruto, glad for someone acting straightforwards for once, nods honestly.
“You too?” asks the black-haired boy, looking more despondent than bewildered. “You’re not ghouls, or, well, ex-artificial ghouls, are you? I’m Kaneki Ken, by the way.”
“… what.”
Ed’s question (if it can even be called that) is delivered in a flat, stony tone.
“Um, ghouls? If you’re from where I’m from, they were almost always headline news?”
“It was ninjas for me,” replies Naruto. “But I was living in a Hidden Village, so things might have been different for the civilians. My name’s Uzumaki Naruto, and it’s nice to meet you, Ken!”
Kaneki flushes at the casual address, but turns to the last member of their presumably reincarnated group.
“I get the impression that this isn’t ringing a bell for you, is it, um… I didn’t catch your name?”
“Edward Elric, former Fullmetal Alchemist,” he replies reflexively. Followed shortly by a: “damnit all to hell.”
“You’re a what what?” asks the other blond.
“Why do I get the feeling that this is all going to be very confusing,” grumbles Kaneki under his breath. Out loud, he offers his condolences, which are promptly ignored.
“Just, give me a moment,” croaks the golden-eyed boy. While diplomacy was never his strong point, Ed had experienced enough of a myriad of other cultures over his lifetime to understand that often, misunderstandings occur due to significantly different backgrounds. And, even from the brief conversation so far, he can tell that they are coming from completely different background.
“I’m Edward Elric, or Elric Edward in local convention. I was a State Alchemist from the age of twelve to sixteen, before I retired to become a Professor of Thereotical Alchemy, then got roped into being the Minister of Education under Fuhrer Mustang’s reign. I died in Amestris, 1980, aged 81.”
Both of the other two boys look markedly alarmed.
“As I said before, I’m Kaneki Ken. I was born in Tokyo. I was an ordinary university student until I got involved in an unethical scientific experiment and was transformed into an Artificial Ghoul when I was nineteen. Two years later, I joined the CCG, which is an organisation which hunts ghouls, while amnesiac, then flipflopped back to supporting ghouls before finally serving as a Peacekeeper between humans and ghouls until my death in 2052 where I was killed by another ghoul. I was 52.”
Now, it is Ed’s turn to look alarmed, alongside Naruto.
“Uzumaki Naruto, former Seventh Hokage, leader of the Hidden Village of Konoha-ttebayo. Ninja for life. Um. I don’t know what year I died in since we measured it from the founding of our village, but I died peacefully at 78.”
The three of them stare at each other.
“I have so many questions,” laments Ed, before his scientific side kicks in. “I have so many question,” he repeats, with terrifying glee in his eyes.
Kaneki, recognising the look from Kanou’s eyes, steps back. Really, Edward Elric is not his type — bookworm, scientist, and rude as hell. He reminds Kaneki of a horrifying cross between Rize, Arima, Kanou and Ayato. He shudders.
In the end, they all go home hours later. Ed’s glut for knowledge is temporarily satisfied (though how he managed to harangue their home phone numbers out of them, Naruto will never quite figure out), Naruto is overwhelmed by the flood of information while Kaneki laments the course of his second life. He thinks it’s only a matter of time before the blond starts experimenting on him (not that he knows about the blond’s respect for the taboo that is human experimentation).
Yagami Sachiko was understandably concerned when her firstborn’s first word is “GOD!”
She was somewhat less worried about her son being a religious fanatic and significantly more concerned when he displayed his god complex, but hoped he’d grow out of it by preschool.
Unfortunately for her, Yagami Light is as brilliant as he is mad, and being a child has not helped his sanity at all.
His first day at school is an unmitigated disaster.
Light is so, so, so bored. Without the Death Note, without a worthy intellectual rival, without anything really to do, he’s practically dying from the boredom. Even being shot hurt less than this. The God of the New World has somehow been reborn in a mundane world, once again filled with crime, and it is a travesty!
His mother, too, for all that she resembles his own, is nothing like his own Sachiko. For one, she seems to be constantly shooting him worried looks (him! The perfect being!), though in her defence, in his early years, his ego outstripped his ability to conceal it. Now that his physical brain’s development is starting to catch up, he’s getting much, much better at lying, and soon, he expect she’ll never be able to tell at all.
Though he dreads the dreary chore of going back to school, he hopes it’ll be an improvement on daycare. He’s expecting to test out into at least middle school, if not high school or university, as soon as the teachers will let him, which he’s confident will be soon with how much he’ll outstrip his peers, but then —
His plan, like the best laid plans of men and of mice, crumbles into tiny flecks of ash, and then get pissed on by a stray dog.
He honestly doesn’t know which of his classmates he hates the most.
Is it Edward Elric (and yes, the foreign boy always introduces himself in that order), the scientific, mathematical and weirdly, artistic genius (who is somehow even less shy about his achievements than Light)? Is it his weird not-friend and soft-spoken bookworm, Kaneki Ken, who seems to go out of his way to avoid Ed (and yet always makes it to a bookshelf despite both of them spending inordinate times in the library)? Or is it Lelouch vi Britannia, whose pretentious name alone makes Light hate him on principle (and his effortlessly flawless grades just make Light feel vindicated in his hatred)?
Or perhaps it is the three jokers in the class: Emiya Shirou, who cannot possibly be as good as he pretends to be, going out of his way to help every Harry, Dick and Tom (Light still can’t figure out his agenda); Uzumaki Naruto, who oscillates between terrifyingly wise, and being an immature prankster; or maybe it’s Sawada Tsunayoshi, who always seems to be half-bewildered and half-bemused by their antics and 100% an enabler of all forms of chaos.
Oh, and did he mention that all of them keep scoring 100 on every elementary school test? Worse still, all of them have scored perfectly on middle school tests, and while Sawada, Uzumaki and Emiya fell down a little on the high school tests, they still managed to eek out at least passing grades (reasonable grades, in the cases of Sawada and Emiya, with a just-pass on Uzumaki’s end). Sawada and Emiya have the advantages of acing multiple foreign languages (English and Arabic in the case of Emiya, and English, Italian, Chinese and Russian in the case of Sawada), and don’t even get him started on the rest of his supposed ‘peers’.
Kaneki is easily university-levelled in Japanese Literature, though less talented in other areas. Elric has moved on from theoretical mathematics into nuclear physics and even Light has troubling following him once he descends into his mad scientific rants. He has the distinct impression that even most professors have trouble following Elric, even in their own chosen fields of study, which is frankly insane. And vi Britannia, while not having a particular interest in anything, is a chess maniac who keeps playing online matches with certified Grandmasters and winning.
And then one day someone starts Emiya on a conversation about swords (of all things), and the amount the boy knows turns out to be terrifying, impressing even Elric out of his usual funk.
Needless to say, Light hates school.
The teacher are as delighted as they are confused. The usual concerns regarding genius children and a lack of friends their age are waved aside as all seven of them are ushered into the first year of high school as tiny six-year-olds. Tsuna seems to be the only one even mildly distraught by this, and his only concerns seems to be his inability to see his ‘friends’ Takeshi, Kyoya and Ryohei as much as he would like. Said concerns are waved off as he’s pushed towards his ‘fellow geniuses’, and while a mutinous expression flashed over his face, the brunet eventually relented.
Their fellow high-schoolers are confused, but even the worst of bullies at Namimori High seem reluctant to pick on children less than half their age and size, as if merely being in their presence would make them weaker. The material remains unchallenging for Light, but as he’s not the only one suffering, the teachers reluctantly allow him, Elric, vi Britannia and Kaneki to ‘self-study’ as they please. This usually turns into a frantic speed chess match between him and vi Britannia, while Elric and Kaneki read increasingly exotic books.
Emiya, Sawada and even Uzumaki eventually catch up, and the seven of them find themselves stuck together in ‘self-study’ more often than not, impatiently waiting for when they’re allowed to sit entrance exams for university.
Some time during all of this, Kaneki slips the whole ridiculousness about reincarnation, and a whole mess of tumbling truths come out between the seven of them. Of all of them, only Sawada, Kaneki, Emiya and Light himself lived lives even vaguely comparable to the ones they have now, and apparently, only Sawada’s ‘powers’ (Flames, he called them) are active in this world. If there is a Death Note, then this time, Light hasn’t been lucky enough to catch one (and wasn’t that a blow for his ego?), and there is a distinct lack of magecraft or ghouls for this to be Emiya or Kaneki’s world respectively. Light remains skeptical however, until Tsuna pulls out his Sky Flames. He somewhat reluctantly guides his not-friends through the process of activating their Dying Will Flames (which is surprisingly easy for a bunch of people who have already died at least once before), and looks suddenly horrified when he realises that they have one of each type.
Edward Elric, with a spark of electricity, has Lightning Flames. He expresses disappointment at the lack of deconstruction and construction, but it apparently reminds him enough of his use of his prosthetics (the mention of which prompted a whole tangental discussion of its own) in combat that he seemed reasonably pleased.
Emiya Shirou is delighted with his Mist Flames, immediately creating an absurd number of swords with glee, much to Tsuna’s horror (and also clear discomfort, as if Mist Flames are associated with a number of terrible memories). Before Light can even begin to trick an answer out of him, the brunet confesses that Mist Flames are often associated with liars, traitors and trickery, and that if he had had to pick anyone for Mist Flames, he would’ve either picked Light (a consummate liar, according to his Hyper-Intuition) or Naruto (because, ninja).
Lelouch is, unhelpfully, a Rain Flame, which prompts Tsuna to bury his face in his hands and groan. Apparently, as the element of tranquility, a Rain Guardian’s duties would include being the team peacekeeper, but as vi Britannia remains starkly uninterested in anything but chess, dooms any set he belongs to constant chaos.
Uzumaki is not particularly surprised by having Sun Flames, both with his sunny disposition and history of enhanced regeneration. Light knows he’s clearly leaving out a lot of important information regarding the origins of his original regenerative powers, but he’s more distracted by Kaneki’s Storm Flames, which take on a disturbingly tentacular quality and corrode through everything as if dripped in acid.
This prompts some concerned flailing on Sawada’s part, since apparently, while Storm Flames are perfect for degeneration and therefore disintegration, this is the first time he’s seen such hungry Flames. Kaneki only looks vaguely sheepish but mostly hungry.
Light himself is the Cloud Flame, for which he receives an alarmed look from Sawada for, putting all of the others on their guard. Just as Mists are often liars, Clouds are infamous for being aloof and unbound, following their own code of contact and generally acting like loose cannons. Tsuna confesses that Light is possibly the most agreeable Cloud he’s ever met, which is something that is utterly worthy of suspicion, much to Light’s irritation.
Tsuna himself, as before, is a Sky, which annoys the mass murderer even more.
Surely, he, the God of the New World, should be the one with Sky Flames. He should be the leader of their little group, the protagonist to their tale, the Zeus in their Olympus.
And yet, he’s relegated to the position of sidekick, and it grates on his nerves.
Nevertheless, he keeps a pleasant smile on his face, even as he plots to steal Tsuna’s Flames from right out from under him.
When Reborn, Greatest Hitman in the World, et cetera, et cetera, arrives in Namimori, he’s expecting to have a lot of work cut out for him. Iemitsu paints a picture of a wimpy, useless, friendless son, and Xanxus and the Varia are looming over the horizon.
“Ciaossu,” he says as the door to Sawada resident swings open. However, instead of Nana being the one to greet him, Tsuna and six other boys his age are there, arrayed at his side like Guardians. In fact, closer inspection puts all of them as Flame Actives — one of each Element to boot.
“Hi Reborn,” replies Tsunayoshi with a tired, wry grin. “So I hear you’re a fan of chaos.”
Reborn will soon come to regret every act of chaos he has inflicted upon the world thus far as karma finally catches up to him.
Tsuna, on other hand, has already resigned himself to a lifelong migraine. Even his first set of Guardians were less dysfunctional!