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“Geez, what the *fuck* is taking them so long? The damn McDonalds is literally fifteen minutes away!”
An annoyed and hangry Aubrey grumbled as she paced around the apartment watching her phone. See, this is why it’s always better to just get shit done yourself, but noooo, her little flower wasn’t feeling up to going out and he’s the only person who can drive in this household! She kicked herself internally, that joyride she had with Kim six months ago was starting to look more and more like it was a dumb, terrible idea. She was SO certain no one would notice a beat up hunk of junk of a motorcycle was actually stolen property! Ugh, the one time the Faraway Police Department does their damn job. . .
“It’s okay Aubrey, I can just-”
“Nope, I don’t wanna hear it, you’re getting that fucking happy meal and that’s final!” She interjected as she refreshed the Groobhoob page again hoping the little car icon on the map had moved, but nope, not even an iota of a pixel was different. Curse this fallible piece of shit software they try passing off as an app! If she had half a damn mind she’d-
Ding! Ding!
Just as her inner fury was about to take control, someone was paging to let them inside. “Jesus Christ, it’s about time!” She barreled down the staircase and just shoved some bills into the poor kid’s hands as she snatched the bag of grease-soaked junkfood from him.
“Behold, our spoils!” She ceremoniously declared like this was just another candy raid. Basil couldn't help but giggle at how proud she looked, like a lioness prancing home with a fresh gazelle.
They got everything sprawled out on the table, Fries? Check! A burger and a box of McNuggets? Check! Two bevvies? Checkeroonie! Everything seemed to be in order, time to dig in! That was until she saw poor Basil, shaking like a leaf. Oh god, what’s wrong, did she forget to mention his fish allergy? Were his nuggies tainted? Shit, she had to hurr-
“Th-they forgot my Neopet, that’s like, the most important part!”
She heard him whimper out as tears fell from his eyes. Ugh, *that’s* why he wanted the damn happy meal?! I mean, she should have guessed as much, Basil did still have a soft spot for all things fluffy and made with cheap fabric and stuffing. When the hell did he plan on giving those things up, anyways?
Normally, she’d just tell Basil to shut up and enjoy his food, but she did pay an extra two whole dollars for the thing, and she’d be damned if she’d let any of her hard earned cash go to waste. So what if it was a few blocks away, and also almost 2am? That never stopped her from going out before!
She went to grab her coat but was stopped by a watery-eyed Basil, giving her a look that screamed ’what are you planning now?’
“I’ll just be like, an hour maybe.” she said as she patted the mop of blonde on his head.
You're not gonna hurt anyone are you? I-I don’t really nee-”
“Shush, I bought you a damn happy meal, not a depressing meal.”
“O-okay, um, just be careful out there. I know I say that a lot but-”
“Mhmm, don’t you worry, my little honey bee, your shining knight is gonna go on a quest!”
She was really getting cheesy now, ah well it was all worth it, her cute boyfriend’s face was then a brilliant red and he seemed to have lost his ability to speak. Perhaps being forced to listen in to the boy’s D&D sessions wasn't as bad of a thing as she originally thought.
It was a rather warm summer night (morning?), the air was still and she could hear the distant chirping of peeper frogs echoing out from the woods. The streets looked abandoned, with the constant flickering of streetlights and grasses piercing out from the cracks in the road. Overall, it was a very calming experience, at least it would have been if it was someone other than Aubrey marching down those streets, on her way to tear some poor wage-slave a new one for making her little flower sad.
After several blocks and passing by one very friendly dog, She was finally at her destination: the house of Ronald McDonald himself. She forced her way through the double doors and stomped up to the counter. There wasn't a single soul in sight, unfortunately for her but fortunately for them. She was ready to give the next living thing in sight a piece of her mind, and her fists if needed. She could picture Basil now, probably a just mess still glooming over the lack of small colourful plush. She could fix that, just like she did with everything else! She still owed him for all those years of senseless violence, all the wedgies and swirlies she gave him in highschool. God, just recalling those days made her want to punch something, she was such a careless whirlwind of emotions, well more so back then.
“ah-HEM” She called out as she slammed a fist onto the counter, if there was one of those little service bells set out it would have been smashed into the floor. Not five seconds later and a disheveled looking teen with a face so full of acne you could barely tell what they were supposed to look like underneath popped up from under the counter, looking very, very confused as if the person they were staring at was some sort of apparition.
This only served to piss off Aubrey even more, what the fuck was wrong with how she looked? Sure she still had her signature bright-pink hair that definitely had the power to turn heads, but this guy, he was fucking star-struck. Ew, she hoped he wasn’t in love or anything, because he is *so* not her type.
“Can I help you, m-ma'am?” The greasy teenager stuttered out, almost as if against his will, like he definitely knew corporate was watching him from all the cameras they had set up even at 3am on a Sunday.
“Uh huh, yeah you see this?” she held out her phone with the picture she took of what *should* have been a very indulgent meal of grease and MSG soaked goodness.
“Yes, I do but-”
“Can you fucking tell me whats wrong with it?” she said while gritting her teeth and holding back a haymaker. This dumb bastard, he probably didn’t even bother with the toy because it was fucking 1:25 when she put in the order, and what grown ass man wants a damn toy?! Well *her* grown ass man did, that's for sure.
“Uhhhh” He just dumbly gawked at her phone with a dead gaze that screamed ‘I do *not* get paid enough for this’.
“Something missing, maybe? Something meant to delight a small child?” She was SO close to losing it, She swears if he doesn't get the hint now she’s gonna start a damn one-woman riot.
“Oh, OH!” the sentient pimple-boy scurried off to the back of the kitchen, probably for the best really, she was just about to grab his windpipe and shove her phone into his eye socket.
To her surprise, he came back with not one, but *five* toys, oh lord Basil was gonna be giddier than a schoolgirl on prom night after seeing her haul. She was just about to take them when the cashier interjected.
“That will be eight dollars”
“Bitch, what?!” This. Fucking. Guy. Oh he was a dead man, a *very* dead man.
“What the *fuck* do you mean eight dollars?! I *payed* for the first one, and you never gave it to me! If anything you owe ME the other four for making me walk all the way here!”
Before she knew it, she had the boy by the collar and yanked up in the air. Jesus, either this kid *really* needed to start eating here more often or she was a lot stronger than she gave herself credit for.
“I-I c-can’t just give them away!” He said squirming like a fish on a hook, a potential victim to her unbridled rage. He was a hair away from meeting his maker, but Aubrey knew she couldn't just slaughter him like he deserved, no, those days were *supposed* to be behind her! It’s just that the universe had other plans! It wasn't her fault the world constantly found ways to piss her off!
“Then why the *fuck* did you even offer?!” She was about ready to slam his ass into the counter when she heard a soft hiccup come from the boy she had in a deathgrip.
Immediately, she loosened her grip and let the poor kid down. That damn crying, it sounded too much like. . . like him. How he would beg and grovel for her to stop with tears and snot streaming down his face. Just remembering how she used to be with him, it made her feel disgusted. She definitely didn't deserve his forgiveness, hell, she sometimes wondered what it was the blonde even *saw* in her. She was, frankly, a mess of a human being, but so was he. They were both broken things, left to rot and be forgotten. Maybe that’s why she felt so compelled to be his first and only friend way back when. And maybe that's why, despite everything, the two of them were able to make amends.
Aubrey was already halfway out the door with a single toy in hand, when she was suddenly stopped by someone entering the restaurant. He looked like the manager, all decked out in red and yellow. Why the hell was he here so early? Is that normal?! Shit, the cameras, she forgot about those. Ah hell she was probably in deep shit now.
She braced herself for what she thought would come next, sirens, handcuffs, roughly getting escorted to the back of the squad car. It *had* only been six months since her last visit, fuck she might actually get put away for a while now. Like, a whole year or something. Maybe more. She should probably just book it before these two wage-slaves even realise she’s gone.
She was about to make a desperate escape when a gruff voice called out to her.
“Hey there, missy, aren’t you forgetting something?”
First of all, *no one* calls her missy, that’s what her damn deadbeat father-in-law would call her. And second, She wasnt gonna fucking pay eight dollars for some slave labour trinkets, it was bad enough she had to get the one. She would let that slide though, just for her sweet little honey bee.
“I was just talking to Mike here, he told me everything.”
Oh god, no. she was totally fucked, this time she’d probably go to *actual* jail, not just a holding cell. She had heard horror stories from her mother growing up, how the women in prison have this sort of hierarchy and when you're new, you’re just the dirt between their heels, sometimes even less than that. She was definitely not about to have to suck up to some middle-aged butch. Maybe if she just stays quiet and pretends to have no idea what they are talking about, she can just leave, easy peasy. She turns around, only to see the manager holding onto a plastic bag filled with, god, maybe twelve, fifteen toys?!
“I’m so sorry about the mishap, please take these as an apology, I can guarantee something like this won’t happen again.”
The older gentleman gave the poor kid a dirty look at that last remark. Fuking whatever, if she gets away like a bandit after being an absolute jackass, then so be it! Thank you, universe! Karma was finally starting to flow her way, aibit in the strangest way possible: in the form of happy meal toys.
“Uh, thanks?” She felt a bit dumbstruck by her sheer luck, but then again, corporate underlings tend to be *huge* suck ups when it comes to unhappy customers, willing to bend over backwards just to make someone happy and continue their patronage, even if the customer that created the issue in the first place. She definitely had her share of experience with that. She simply took the bag of stuffies and strolled out of the restaurant, pondering how things could have been much, much worse.
By the time she finally got home, the once proud spread of calories incarnate was neatly cleaned up, her portion tucked away in the fridge inside of tupperware containers with her name on them. Basil was fast asleep on the couch with some sort of nature documentary left on the TV. She walked over and gently placed the bag of toys on his lap so he could have a nice surprise in the morning. She could just imagine his face and it made her heart skip a beat, Basil was just *too* damn cute when he’s excited. She planted a kiss on his forehead before heading off to the master bathroom to wash up.
Oh wait, she hadn’t even eaten yet!