Chapter Text
Boyfriend.
A male significant other in a regular romantic; and possibly but not necessarily sexual; exclusive relationship.
How many times has he read that definition so far?
The physical connection of a lover, the trust and need of quality time of a friend, the particular bond of a partner.
Boyfriend.
Hinata saw him as his boyfriend.
And the more he thought about it, the more it felt like the title that finally made sense, not feeling like anything was missing.
But he ruined it, and he lost it.
No one was waiting for him outside his door that next morning. No warm smile when he got into the gym either. No sneaky glances, insinuating gestures and soft giggles when the others weren’t paying attention.
For the first time in over three months, he had lunch alone. For the first time since the school year started, the small ginger didn’t sit by his side in their shared class. For the first time in almost six months, they weren’t in sync during their afternoon practice; Shouyou wasn’t even looking at him now, and the tension every time he set for him was palpable in the air. And, for the first time since they joined the team, they didn’t stay for extra time once everyone was done.
Everything was gone.
Kageyama was used to being alone, growing up he always was, and it never bothered him. But this was the first time that he truly felt lonely.
And he didn’t know how to deal with that. He didn’t know what to do.
That weird, sour feeling in his chest was something he’s never felt before, and he could tell he was mad but not towards the redhaired boy. All his frustration, the anger, that breath-taking pressure in his lungs, he didn’t understand any of it. He didn’t know how to get rid of it.
And as another day passed, and things stayed the same, that sensation grew stronger. By the third day, it was fairly obvious to everyone around them that something was off. Kageyama’s game was off, he didn’t seem as focused as always, and not only he could notice that but he could tell the rest of the team could too.
He needed to do something. He needed to fix the mess he created. But he didn’t know how.
Tobio’s eyes travelled to the small boy on the opposite side of the court, watching him get his things ready to go to the showers.
He didn’t have the right answers but… Maybe Hinata did.
He’s been told many times to monitor his players’ state during games, to ask for what they needed, and how to be better for them. Maybe that’s what he needed to do now too.
Without giving it a second thought, head filled with thoughts of just how unpleasant the last few days had been and wanting to be over with them, and due the fact that everyone else were already getting to the changing rooms, the black-haired boy walked over to where his partner was.
“Oi.” He let out, Shouyou’s face shifting from a peaceful one to a more tense-looking expression, instantly turning his head to look at him.
But as soon as their eyes met, Kageyama’s conviction disappeared, a knot appearing on his stomach and suddenly losing all words.
What was he supposed to say?
How was he supposed to ask?
In a blink of an eye, anxiety invaded him, his heart beating even faster.
He didn’t know how to do that. This felt nothing like asking a teammate how to improve as a setter for them to spike better.
The redhead’s expression changed once again, the tense, almost scared-looking face softening, and an understanding yet sad half-smile forming.
“It’s okay, I know.” The middle blocker said, voice barely louder than a whisper. “I haven’t been playing well.” He added, to which Kageyama blinked. “I’ll be better tomorrow, I promise, I just… Needed a few days to get it together.”
At first, the words simply confused the already conflicted setter, but soon enough, he realized what was happening.
Hinata thought he was worried about volleyball.
Okay, maybe that was true. But he this was about him trying to find a way to fix the mess between them, and with that, fix their performances as well. Not about blaming him for how badly they’ve played.
But, he understood why the boy thought he was concerned about that. After all, that was the reason why everything went wrong.
“Is that all? I really wanna take a shower and-”
“No.” Tobio instantly said, a bitter feeling now on his stomach.
He could tell by the boy’s face that he wanted to leave as soon as possible, he could tell by his eyes that he was still hurt; despite being bad with feelings, he could recognize them being the same ones that he saw three days ago.
He was an ass, wasn’t he? Hinata was clearly still affected by what he did, yet he was there, trying to reassure him that he wasn’t going to ruin volleyball for him.
“I’m… I’m sorry.” Tobio whispered, realizing that he hasn’t even say those words before. Not even once. And fuck, shouldn’t have he started with that?
“I know.” Shouyou said, that understanding-yet-sad expression still there. “And, I forgive you.” He assured, his smile growing bigger in a way that couldn’t but feel forced. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and it was my bad, anyways.”
The spiker shrugged, but Kageyama frowned to those words, ready to protest. His partner knew him too well, though, and before the tall boy could say anything, he spoke again.
“Assuming your response to my confession meant we were on the same page, when I never really asked you if you wanted to date me, and you didn’t ask me either… I got myself into this situation.” Hinata explained, but that didn’t make him feel any less uneasy. All it caused was to make him feel even more stupid than before.
Because he wasn’t aware that his partner had confessed, but now that it was mentioned like that, the memories invaded his brain so fast it compared to being slapped on the face.
He hated how clueless he was.
But how was he supposed to know? He’s never even had friends before.
How was he supposed to recognize those as Hinata’s feelings towards him? How was he supposed to know he had to accept or decline them?
How was he supposed to know if he wanted to accept or decline them?
He knew nothing, just now knowing what his own feelings were; and even so, still unsure of how to name them, only understanding that he wanted the spiker to be more than just his friend.
“So, we can just, leave it all behind and…”
“I do want to.” The setter cut him off. “Be with you.”
For just a split of a second, Shouyou’s eyes lit up. For just a split of a second, his body relaxed, face softening with hope. But once that moment was over, the pain was even clearer than before.
“Why?” He whispered.
Tobio stared at him, then blinked a few times.
What kind of question was that?
Obviously because… Things were working before. And now they aren’t. And he didn’t want to lose all that they had, he just wasn’t aware that they had it.
… For some reason, that felt like an empty answer.
Something was missing, he could tell that wasn’t quite it, but he didn’t know what other answer to give.
“I… Want things to go back to how they were.” He mumbled.
“But they can’t.” Hinata’s response was so immediate both seemed caught off guard by it. The ginger’s widened eyes soon came back to normal, sighing quietly. “I didn’t just like you, Kageyama... I wanted to make love for a reason.”
He couldn’t understand why, but that word, the tone, the way it was said… It made his heart feel strange, suddenly beating faster and heat pooling both on his cheeks and lower abdomen.
Why did it feel so weird…?
“The way I feel about you… I thought we didn’t need to say it out loud, because we both knew and felt that way, but that wasn’t the case.” His partner finished, the sad smile returning as soon as those last words left his mouth. “And I can’t go back, no with those feelings, not if you don’t feel the same.”
He didn’t know what to say. His chest felt weird, heavy and warm, his body felt weird as well. And all the implications of what the boy was saying were too much for him to handle at once.
But by Shouyou’s face, and the growing disappointment in his eyes, he could tell silence; as he tried to make sense of all the overwhelming emotions he was experiencing; wasn’t what he was hoping to get from what he said.
“Hinata-”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” The spiker said before he could add anything else, shaking his head and taking a deep breath. “Look, I’ll be better tomorrow, okay? And we can be friends again if you want that. So you don’t need to worry, I promise we’ll be able to perform as well as always.”
Giving him one more forced smile, his partner turned around, quickly heading to the changing rooms and leaving him behind.
Kageyama watched him walk, without saying a word, still unsure of what he wanted to say.
And maybe he couldn’t blame the boy for thinking that was what concerned him. But, for the first time in his life, he truly wasn’t worried only about volleyball.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hinata was true to his word.
As soon as they both got to practice the next day, he noticed how drastically his partner’s behavior had changed. He seemed more cheerful, more like his usual self, and would even give him a smile or two making his stomach twist. They played better than the previous days, even if their connection was still off, the difference was clear.
Then, he sat next to him in class again as well, even cracking a joke here and there, and sat with him during lunch too. There was still some weird tension, still not feeling as natural as before, but Tobio chose to believe that, despite that, things were getting better.
However, that thought didn’t stay there for long, being proven just how wrong it was to think that just a few hours later.
When afternoon practice started, things were still good. Even better that that morning. They seemed to be more in synch, even if their movements were sloppy, and the overall performance of the team was better than it had been.
And the moment Shouyou ran to the other side of the court, jumping without warning, and so he quickly set for him and watched him spike as if it was the easiest thing of the world, all the pieces seemed to come back together.
Kageyama’s heart raced to the image, the strongest sense of normality and peace invading his whole self. He couldn’t help but smile, instantly looking at his partner, who had the same excited expression that he had.
Before he could think twice, he was walking over to the boy, Hinata doing the same as they’ve done many times before. But just a few steps away from meeting, the ginger suddenly stopped.
In a blink of an eye, the redhead’s face twisted, all the happiness soon gone as the same face he’s seen for the past four days took over again.
“… Nice job.” The boy mumbled, another forced smile being offered before quickly turning around. And just like that, the bitter feeling on his stomach returned.
But before he could reply, a soft sound caught his attention. A sniffing sound.
“Hinata!” Their blonde’s manager voice was the next thing he heard, watching as she ran to the ginger’s side.
And then, the setter’s eyes widened.
Shouyou was covering his face, his whole-body trembling, trying to muffle the sniffs and whimpers that wanted to escape his mouth.
He was crying.
“I’m… I’m sorry…” The boy whispered between sobs. “I-I can’t, I can’t do this.”
Kageyama’s world stopped.
He was faking it. He was pushing himself to try to act like it was okay.
Yachi wrapped an arm around the ginger, whispering some words to him as he leaded him to the changing rooms. The black-haired boy instantly tried to follow them, but before he could take more than three steps Yamaguchi appeared in front of him.
“Don’t.” The server said, with a serious tone. “You’ll make it worse.”
Then, he turned around, following the girl and his roommate and leaving him standing there.
Tobio’s blood was boiling.
Was he angry? Was he frustrated? Was he mad?
His body was trembling, his chest felt tight.
He made Hinata cry. His presence, his excitement, it made Hinata cry.
And that’s the opposite to what he wanted.
He didn’t realize he was moving until he found himself outside the gym, breathing rapidly and heavily as if he couldn’t breathe yet had too much air on his lungs at the same time. He rested his back against the wall, slowly letting himself fall until he was sitting on the floor. He was shaking, hands covering his face, overwhelmed by emotions he didn’t understand.
He messed up. He made everything bad. And he wasn’t getting a chance to fix it.
He didn’t know what he could do. He didn’t know anything.
But he didn’t want to see that again. He didn’t wanna see Shouyou cry again, not like that, and especially not because of him. He wanted to see his warm smiles again, he wanted to hear his laugh, he wanted to see his pleased face and shiny eyes as he held him close.
A soft patting on his shoulder took him off his thoughts abruptly, the setter lifting his head to look at the person standing next to him.
Suga showed him a kind smile, holding a bottle of water in front of him. Kageyama blinked a few times, sitting up more straightly now before taking what the older boy was offering him.
“… Thanks.”
“No problem.” The senior mumbled, moving closer to sit next so him as Tobio took a few sips of his water to calm down. “So, what happened just now?” The black-haired boy glanced at him, then looked down to his bottle and shrugged.
Honestly, he wasn’t even sure.
“Hinata’s mad at me.” He mumbled, shrugging again. But Sugawara raised an eyebrow to his words, followed by a questioning yet still soft expression.
“He didn’t seem mad to me.”
The older setter always pushed him to understand other people’s feelings better, encouraging him to learn, and it seemed like this time wasn’t any different.
“He’s… Hurt.” He tried again, this time getting a nod in response. But knowing that didn’t make him feel any better. “I don’t know how to fix it.”
The gray-haired boy offered him an understanding look, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“It’s normal to feel that way after a breakup, you need to give him time.” But, to that, he couldn’t help but frown.
“We didn’t…” Right, in a way, for Shouyou must feel like that. After all, for him it was a relationship. But that wasn’t exactly it, it was worse. “We… He thought we were together, I didn’t know.”
The upperclassman seemed between confused and surprised to his confession, but it didn’t take long for his expression to relax again.
“Do you want to be?” He simple asked. Tobio didn’t have to think twice about it, nodding instantly. “Did you tell him that?”
“Tried to. But he doesn’t think I feel like he feels.”
“Do you?”
Once again, Tobio looked at his teammate. Once again, he didn’t know the answer.
Did he?
“… What does love feel like?” He asked in a quiet tone.
He knew he liked Hinata, or else he wouldn’t want to be his boyfriend. But after what the ginger told him… Liking him didn’t feel like enough. Because the spiker didn’t just like him.
Love. He’s never experienced that feeling. So how could he know if he was feeling it now?
What was the difference between liking and loving?
Suga hummed to himself, taking a few seconds to think, almost like looking for the right words to explain. Or maybe looking for some Kageyama could understand.
“Well, it feels different for everyone.” He said softly. “But usually… You’re happier when they’re around, and your life wouldn’t be the same without them.” The boy explained, taking a few seconds to make sure the younger boy was following before continuing. “It’s not just that you’re attracted to them, or that you like their personality, but everything about them, and you with them, feels right. They make your life feel… Complete.”
Tobio stared at him for a few seconds, trying to process those words.
Happier… Yeah, his mood was better around him.
Would his life be different without him…? Probably, although the same applied to the rest of the time, but not nearly as strongly as with him.
And when he was with the spiker, it truly felt like they belonged together… It felt like they were meant to be. As partners, as friends, and as more than that.
Was that it? Did that mean he reciprocated his feelings?
As before, some patting on his shoulder got his attention, watching as the older setter stood up.
“It seems like you have a lot to think about, so I’m going to give you some space.” He said, smiling at him once again. “If you need anything else, you know where to find me.”
Kageyama nodded quietly, before the boy returned to the gym.
Hearing the seniors word made him a little less lost, but at the same time, knowing that everyone felt different still made him doubt. Because he’s gotten into that mess for not understanding his feelings right, and he didn’t want to make it worse by leading his partner on again if he didn’t actually feel that way.
As he’s done many times in the past, Tobio took his phone and started googling.
‘What does love feel like?’
Many of the results were similar to what Sugawara told him, but then he came across a list. And the more he read, the more his heart raced.
You can’t focus, always thinking about them. You can’t take your eyes off them. You feel safe around them. You miss them when they’re not around. You can’t stand seeing them hurt. You feel on edge. You feel connected with them in a different way that everyone else.
So… That’s love?
Everything he’s been feeling, those emotions that appeared even before that time in the bus but had progressively getting stronger in the past three months… It was love.
He was in love with Shouyou.
The discovery shouldn’t have come as much of a shock than it did.
But shock wasn’t the only thing he was feeling. Relief was taking over him as well.
Everything could be fine now. Things could go back to normal. He just needed to tell him.
However, that simple task proved to be harder than it seemed.
If Hinata was keeping his distance before, now he was straight up avoiding him.
And not only that, but now he always had either Yachi or Yamaguchi around. And they were both making sure he couldn’t get close to the boy.
They were only trying to protect him, they didn’t want him to break down crying again. He knew that much. Yet it was still inconvenient.
He needed to talk to him. He couldn’t waste more days. They have already lost almost a week.
Morning practice was a lost cause, classes weren’t the right place to do it, he couldn’t even find him during lunch. But by afternoon practice, he was determined. He wouldn’t let him leave without talking first.
Kageyama waited patiently for their training to be over, knowing Hinata would stay there until everyone else had showered before doing so himself, so they should be finally alone. He showered quickly, and simply sat on one of the benches of the dressing room once he was ready, using the little patience he had to keep waiting.
But once again, his plan wasn’t perfect. Because Yamaguchi had decided to wait for the ginger too, talking to Tsukishima that for some reason was there as well.
However, at that point, he didn’t care anymore. With or without them, he would get to talk to his partner and make things right.
It wasn’t until about ten minutes later that Shouyou finally appeared, half dressed and walking to his bag to get the rest of his clothes. He instantly noticed Tobio’s presence, his face shifting once he saw him, but he didn’t say a word, getting ready as fast as he could to get out of there.
But as soon as he was done, and the other two boys stood up, the setter did as well.
“Hinata.”
“Sorry, I’m gonna be late.” The short boy mumbled, adverting his gaze as he tried to get to the door.
“I need to talk to you.” Kageyama insisted, trying to get in front of him so he couldn’t leave, but Yamaguchi stepped up, noticing how anxious his roommate suddenly seemed.
“He’s… Not ready to talk to you.” The freckled boy said, but Tobio ignored him, simply looking to the redhead again.
“Please?” The middle blocker glanced at him, noticing the plea on his voice and doubting for a moment.
“I… I should leave…”
“Please.” The setter repeated, and he could tell the boy was really considering to hear him out.
But his panicked expression and doubtful eyes were enough for the freckled boy to think he should intervene. Placing a hand on Shouyou’s shoulder, he began to walk him to the door.
“Hinata, wait.” But the boy didn’t stop, his three teammates still heading out. “Hinata.”
It wasn’t working. They were going to leave. He was going to leave. If he didn’t do something now, he was going to lose his chance. And he couldn’t let that happen.
More people or not, he had to let him know how he felt.
“I love you.” He let out. Abruptly, unexpectedly, making all three boys freeze on their spot.
The ginger instantly turned his head to look at him, eyes wide open and lips slightly parted with surprise.
“What?”
“I love you.” Tobio repeated.
For a moment, that was all. They stared into each other’s eyes, shocked expression meeting confident one, complete silent around them; only interrupted by the sound of the door closing when the other two boys decided it was their time to leave.
The spiker looked at him like he was trying to read his face, as if he was trying to figure out if he was being serious. Then, his surprise changed to expectation, and Kageyama knew that meant he was allowed to continue.
“I didn’t know, because I’ve never felt like this before.” He said quietly, taking a step closer. “I didn’t understand, but now I do.” He added, trying to sound as certain as possible. “I love you, I want to be with you.”
Hinata’s was still in utter disbelief, staying quiet for a few more seconds before he finally spoke.
“You… Love me?” He whispered, Kageyama nodding right away. And again, there was silence.
It was then when he realized, simply telling him that wasn’t going to do it. He couldn’t assume things would go back to how they were just with that.
The boy still seemed out of it, as if he was still trying to process what was going on, and so, Kageyama decided to sit down, patting the spot next to him so his partner could do the same. And as soon as he did, he spoke again.
“Do you still feel the same?” He questioned quietly.
“I…” He could see the uncertainty in Shouyou’s eyes, and for a moment that made his heart squeeze, but soon enough, he was talking again. “Are you sure you’re not just saying it because you’re pent up? Because if this is to get us to sleep together again I-”
“I don’t need the sex.” Tobio interrupted immediately. He couldn’t let him, by any means, think that was the reason why he was saying all that.
It took him too long to figure himself out, he couldn’t be anything but clear about it now.
Hinata questioned him with his eyes, doubting for a moment before moving a little closer.
“So even if I decided I don’t want to have sex with you again, for like, months or… Even forever, you’d still want to be with me…?”
“Yeah.”
Once again, they stared into each other’s eyes. Once again, the petite boy seemed to be looking for answers in them.
His body seemed more relaxed, and a soft blush had taken over his cheeks. But there was still a faint trace of doubt.
“And you’re sure?” He asked. “That you feel that way.”
Kageyama rolled his eyes, nodding a few times.
“I’m a setter, you’re a spiker.” Because to him, now, the fact that he loved him was as obvious as that.
A shy yet hopeful smile appeared on his partner’s face, a soft giggle following it. Shouyou brought his hands to his eyes as soon a few tears began to come out, letting out a choked-out sob as he continued giggling.
The reaction was confusing to Tobio, but he was sure of one thing: Hinata wasn’t sad.
Without thinking it twice, he moved closer to him, placing his hands over the smaller ones and moving them away to look at the ginger directly. Their eyes locked once again, then the setter moved down and gently pressed their lips together.
It was brief, it was soft, but it felt more intense that all the kisses they’ve ever shared.
“Can I be your boyfriend again?” He whispered, as soon as he pulled away.
The redhead nodded quietly, wrapping his arms around his neck and bringing him close again, their mouths meeting as before.
Their movements were slow, and light, yet the yearning and desire after being apart for so long was evident in each of them.
It didn’t take long for the intensity of the kiss to grow. It didn’t take long for the soft touch of their lips to turn into a more desperate and needy gesture. Soon enough his tongues had found the way into each other’s mouths, and soon enough his hands found their way to Hinata’s waist, the smaller boy pulling him to lay over him.
It was then he realized the middle blocker was laying over the bench, not even noticing when they changed their positions to that one. Their legs were tangled together, his chest against the boy’s, and there was something hard and hot pressed against his leg, rubbing on him slowly as he tried to move to meet his crotch.
Kageyama immediately broke the kiss.
“Wait.” The setter said, eye’s widened with both surprise and confusion. “You said-”
“It was only hypothetical.” The spiker whispered, bringing him close once again as he shifted his position so their members could touch. Without losing a second, he began to rock his hips, grinding on him. “And, this isn’t exactly sex, is it?”
Shit. He had forgotten how hypnotic his voice was.
Where they were, and everything that happened those past few days, and the fight, and the pain, none of that mattered anymore. There was nothing else that mattered but the two of them, in love, and together again.
In a matter of seconds, his dick was as hard as his boyfriend’s, his hips moving desperately to match the rhythm the boy had created. The room was filled with soft moans and panting, two small hands caressing every part of his body that they could reach.
“Tobio.” Hinata moaned into the kiss, making his body temperature raise. “Say it again.” He requested. And maybe anyone else would’ve been confused to what he meant, but Kageyama knew exactly what he wanted.
“Shouyou.” He whispered back, getting an even louder moan in response. “I love you.” The ginger held onto him, letting out another loud sound. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” The redhead whispered between moans, rocking his hips with urgency, faster by the seconds. “I… I-I’m gonna…”
The setter lowered his head, kissing him again deeply and slowly, his dick throbbing inside his pants as he approached his orgasm as well.
One more thrust, two more thrust, and the petite body under him was trembling, high-peached sounds coming into the kiss as he ejaculated all over his underwear.
Kageyama followed him right after, letting out a groan as the friction and his boyfriend’s reaction brought him to his maximum point of pleasure, cumming hard into his pants and trembling as well.
They panted heavily for a few seconds, holding onto each other as if their lives depended on it, before finally breaking apart.
And god, Hinata’s post-orgasm face was as captivating as ever.
“Missed you…” The spiker mumbled, sounding a little groggy. He carefully helped him sit, doing so as well, before pressing his lips gently together again. He couldn’t contain the smile that wanted to appear, his heart beating fast and chest feeling warm.
Shouyou smiled back at him, and they stayed like that for a few more moments, until they realized where they were, and they just did.
“… We should go.” The setter mumbled, his partner nodding with his face quickly growing red of embarrassment.
They took a few moments to clean themselves up, making sure the place didn’t show signs of the sin that was committed, before grabbing their things. And as soon as they walked out the gym, Tobio reached for Hinata’s hand.
The ginger glanced down to their fingers interlocked, a soft blush taking over his cheeks and happiness written all over his face, squeezing his hand lightly in response.
“Oi, Bakeyama.” He mumbled as they walked. “Don’t break my heart again, okay? Cuz I’m not taking you back a second time.”
The setter glanced at him, frowning softly to his words.
“I won’t.” Shouyou chuckled to his reaction, squeezing his hand again.
And maybe the boy wasn’t serious, or he half was, but Kageyama was completely sure of his words. He knew that he loved him now, and he wasn’t going to let that stop.
“Hey…” He heard his boyfriend mumbled, looking at him shyly. “Can we go to your room…? I don’t think I had enough...”
Tobio’s heart raced instantly, his cheeks quicky feeling warmer as he nodded.
And oh, he was so fucked.
Because he knew no matter what, as long as they were together, he would always end up giving him what he wanted.