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It was midnight. Anne was lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, any exhaustion she had felt just minutes ago having vanished as story ideas raced through her mind. Of course I’d be buzzing with story ideas the moment I give up trying to write and want to sleep. The writer’s plight, she thought bitterly.
The ideas were completely muddled, none of them standing out to her as memorable or worth writing down. She’d had the brilliant idea of taking multiple writing classes in her senior year having decided she wanted to major in English at whatever college she chose. Anne turned onto her side, running her hands down her face in frustration, when suddenly her phone screen lit up, the familiar vibrations shaking the glass on her bedside table. She reached out her arm and grabbed her phone, turning the bright screen towards her face. Squinting, she typed in her passcode and opened the message from Gilbert.
Can’t sleep.
Anne typed a response quickly. neither can I
Up for a late-night chat at the old park?
absolutely. but i don’t wanna drive :p so can you come get me?
Sure. Be there in 15 minutes.
She smiled at her phone. This was pretty much a tradition for the two of them at this point. For the past 2 years, they’d text each other when they couldn’t sleep, deciding to meet up in the wee hours of the morning at the nearby, basically abandoned park nearby just to talk or enjoy being in each other’s company. Gilbert was so easy to talk to, or to sit with in silence, and she often found herself falling asleep easily after those talks, her mind seemingly calmed by those moments with Gilbert. She was always exhausted the next day, but it was completely worth it to spend time with the person who had slowly become her best friend.
Anne rolled out of bed, throwing on some clothes and a jacket to keep herself warm. She’d learn the hard way last year how easily she got cold during October nights. She glanced out the window and saw the clear night sky laid out before her, so she rushed to grab a comfortable blanket in case they decided to stare at the stars tonight.
It was 12:17 when Anne descended the stairs, bundled up in her warmest clothes with thick socks and Uggs protecting her feet from the cold that awaited her outside the door. She saw Gilbert’s black Toyota Camry turn into her driveway; the headlights blindingly bright as they hit her eyes through the glass front door.
Anne opened the passenger door and settled into the warmth before pulling out her phone.
“My turn to force you to listen to whatever music I choose.”
Gilbert groaned in response. “If you make me listen to Taylor Swift again, I swear—”
“Don’t shit on T-Swift, you uncultured swine. You make me listen to podcasts about medical advances or nerdy stuff like that, so you can deal,” She paused. “And I was gonna play dodie, but just for that comment, it’s Speak Now time.”
She plugged her phone in, pulling up the Apple CarPlay and selected “Better Than Revenge” before placing the rest of the album on shuffle. Gilbert started the car and they drove in comfortable silence, Anne mouthing the words to each song and glancing over at Gilbert who was bobbing his head slightly with the beat. He’d never admit it to her, but Anne knew Taylor’s music was growing on him.
By 12:30, Gilbert had parked the car in the empty parking lot by the park. Anne was out of the car first, taking a breath of the crisp fall air. Gilbert got out of the car and came to stand at her side.
“God, I love nights like this.” She exhaled, the crisp air soothing her restless muscles.
“You’ve said that about a million times,” Gilbert replied, earning a look from Anne. “But I agree. The air feels…” Gilbert trailed off, searching for the right word.
“Cleaner? Refreshing?”
“Yeah, refreshing.” The two stood side-by-side for a moment just basking in the moonlight until Anne felt the cold nipping at her ears.
“No more standing still. My ears are starting to freeze!” Her eyes roamed the empty playground, landing on the swings. “Race you to the swings?”
She’d phrased it as a question, but the moment the words had left her mouth she took off running. Gilbert still managed to beat her to the swings, just barely. She was out of breath and he didn’t even seem slightly winded.
“How the hell did you beat me here? I made sure I had a head start of at least a second.”
“Anne, I’m like half a foot taller than you,” He gestured towards his legs, “I have longer legs than you and did track during middle school.”
“Valid points.” She sat down on one of the swings, rocking herself back and forth slightly. Gilbert sat down on the swing next to her, staring down at the ground.
“I wish we’d been friends back in middle school,” Anne said, turning her head toward Gilbert.
“Would’ve been different. You were definitely not a fan of mine during middle school.”
“Yeah, well you didn’t exactly hang out with people who were nice to the new girl back then,” she retorted. Remembering those days always made her defensive, the old emotions stirring under the surface. Take a breath, Anne. “Plus, if I remember, you made a joke about my appearance during our first interaction. So I think that my dislike of you wasn’t completely unjustified,” She paused, thinking of the personal pain that grudge against him had caused. “Buuuut I will admit that holding that against you for four years might have been a little much, especially since you did your best to make up for it.”
“Just a little much?”
“That’s all I’m giving you right now. Take it or leave it. Or I’ll make you listen to Taylor Swift exclusively for the rest of my days.”
“Okay. Okay.” He laughed. “I’ll accept it… for now.”
Anne looked over at him, the dimples in his cheeks and the way his tongue stuck out slightly as he smiled at her gave her butterflies. “I am happy I eventually forgave you, even if you are annoying and obsessed with one of the worst subjects known to mankind.”
“Biology is not that bad! And you cannot insult biology while being someone who willingly admits a love for English classes. Writing is the absolute worst thing I could imagine doing for the rest of my life and you want to go to college and major in it, Anne!”
“You want to go to medical school. That is at least 12 extra years of school and probably papers,” She pushed his arm, causing his swing to move side-to-side. “So, who’s really setting themselves up for a worse time because, from my perspective, I’m getting off easy.”
“I’m not sure. If I weighed the pros and cons,” He started moving his hands up and down like a scale, “I think that having to write for a living is definitely worse than 12 more years of school.”
“You’re ridiculous! Writing is so freeing. You can express your feelings through someone else. You can run away from your problems for a little while and create a whole new world to escape to, just for a little while. Science is so… real. No fantastical adventures or magic. Much less scope for the imagination than with writing.”
“I like things that are grounded. I find that they are reliable. Science is just a way to better understand the world. Makes things like the sky above us that much more mesmerizing. Makes you want to stare at the stars in awe, admiring how this small rock in space allows us to breathe and admire the beauty of the universe.”
Anne had found herself entranced as Gilbert talked about the sky, his love of the topic evident as his face relaxed with each sentence. He had managed to change the topic seamlessly, a skill that Anne had always admired. All thoughts of English versus biology were gone from her mind as she pulled her eyes away from his profile.
“Let’s admire the stars then. I brought a blanket.” She stood up, “It’s in your car.”
Gilbert handed her his keys, and she retrieved the blanket she’d brought. Anne laid it out on a flat spot in the grass, lying down and wrapping her jacket around herself a little tighter. Gilbert was right, the night sky was definitely something worth admiring.
Gilbert lay down next to her on the blanket. She looked over at him and said, “Alright science boy, tell me about the stars.”
Gilbert laughed at her comment, but quickly started telling her everything he knew about the stars above them. He pointed to different constellations, moving Anne’s arms to find them in the sky when she tried pointing to them herself. He shared how he wished one day to go somewhere where all the stars were visible in the sky, where the milky way painted the sky a million different colors each night.
At some point, Anne found that she was no longer staring at the sky. She couldn’t help but stare at him, the moonlight illuminating his side profile as the two fell into their usual comfortable silence. The moon highlighted all his best features, ones Anne seemed to be truly noticing for the first time. The way his long eyelashes curled away from his brown eyes, eyes that always seemed to shine when he looked at her. The way his lips pursed when he was deep in thought, relaxing when he found another interesting fact to share with her. Anne could’ve stared at him in this light forever. She wanted to press pause, memorize everything about him and just stay in this moment until she grew tired of it.
Instead, she remembered the past. Their past.
She remembered moving to a new town after being adopted at eleven and the fear of abandonment that filled her mind. She’d heard since the age of 7 that she would never be adopted. She’d gotten too old, and no one wanted the older kids.
She remembered walking into that school, her first day as someone’s child and the boys who instantly began teasing her. She was ignoring them as best she could until Gilbert got close to her and pulled on her ponytail, calling her a name she couldn’t even remember anymore, but had filled her with anger.
She remembered his attempts to make up for that moment.
She remembered when her grudge had finally subsided, and she slowly let Gilbert into her life. As they became better acquainted, she’d let her walls down, sharing some of her insecurities and in return, he’d shared that his father was sick. The vulnerability that had solidified their friendship almost 3 years before.
She remembered the way his voice sounded when he called her the night his father died and how she’d run to her parents, begging for them to drive her over to his house at one in the morning.
All the time they’d spent together. All the support they’d given each other. Every look that Gilbert had given Anne in the past few months that had given her butterflies and caused her cheeks to flush. All of these times playing in Anne’s mind, painted in a new light as she stared at Gilbert’s side profile bathed in moonlight.
Oh god. The pieces finally clicked into place in her mind. I am 100% in—
Gilbert’s voice interrupted her thoughts and she quickly turned her head to look back at the sky. “It’s 2:48 already, jeez. We should probably head home so we can get some sleep instead of being zombies at school tomorrow.”
She managed to stammer out some sort of reply as she stood up, face flushing with sudden embarrassment from the truth she’d just uncovered. She quickly packed up the blanket they’d been laying under, avoiding Gilbert’s eyes for fear that he’d somehow see the truth written all over her face. His was a friendship she couldn’t bear to lose.
Gilbert dropped her off at her house around 3 that morning and for the first time, she couldn’t fall asleep after their conversation. Her heart was racing with the realization she’d made that night, lying in contented silence under the stars.
She had a crush on her best friend.
***
Anne was woken by her alarm at 6:05. It filled her silent room with the ridiculously loud beginnings of the Teen Wolf theme song. She stopped the alarm quickly and rolled onto her back, waiting for the post-sleep grogginess to clear. The first thing to clearly settle back into place was the embarrassment. She threw her arms over her eyes as her brain played the events of the night over and over again.
Anne’s embarrassment turned into frustration and she began berating herself for developing these feelings. How could you have let this happen? Developing a crush on your best friend is grade A stupidity, you idiot.
Her phone screen lit up with a text from Gilbert.
Want me to drive you to school?
She stared at her phone screen, dread pooling in her stomach as she imagined sitting in a car with him and trying to act like everything was normal. She’d spent those early morning hours playing moments with Gilbert over in her mind, desperately searching for a sign that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way about her. She had dozed off trying to convince herself that he felt the same and when she failed to find any evidence, creating scenarios in her mind where this crush didn’t ruin their friendship.
She wished deep down that she had found some clue that he felt the same, but Gilbert had always acted the same around her, never wavering. She smiled to herself as she imagined his kind smiles and the way his hazel eyes seemed to shine when she spoke. He was always giving Anne his undivided attention, even if the topic bored him. He’d asked her to junior prom and when they’d attended the dance together, he complimented her appearance endlessly, gushing to everyone in sight about how “stunningly beautiful” his best friend was. They’d slow danced together that night, a pair of friends surrounded by couples, but wrapped up in each other’s company. Her other friends believed he had feelings for her, but Anne always shot them down. He’d always been like that around her; it didn’t really mean anything.
Shaking herself out of her thoughts with a frown, she picked up her phone and typed out a response.
not today. think i’ll drive myself. thanks tho
She hit send before setting her phone facedown, ignoring the vibrations that indicated his response. Anne had lost friends for less than unrequited feelings. A wrong word or a wrong move had cost her people she’d imagined would be in her life forever but losing them had never hurt as much as the thought of losing Gilbert did. For now, she’d put some distance between them, hoping the emotions would vanish if she spent less time with him.
She lay in bed for a while longer, scrolling through Twitter aimlessly, reading tweets to stop her own thoughts. Crawling out of bed at 6:32, she got dressed for the day and put on some makeup to cover the obvious signs of exhaustion painting her skin. She grabbed a granola bar, her backpack, and her keys on her way out the door, climbing into the driver’s seat of her car. Her phone automatically connected to the car speakers and she scrolled to her favorite playlist, pressing shuffle.
Anne put her car into drive, not really listening to the music playing in the background. She recognized it as a dodie song, but ignored the lyrics until she heard “Oh, would you be so kind as to fall in love with me?”, quickly pressing skip. Luck was not on her side today as the next song was “You Belong with Me”, after that was “Enchanted”, and finally “Sick of Losing Soulmates”. She turned off the music, preferring to drive in silence than listen to a collection of sad songs about unrequited feelings.
Anne finally pulled into her parking space in front of the high school, pausing to take a deep breath and think about the day ahead. She had math and senior English with Gilbert today. Avoiding him in math would be simple since they had an exam, but they were partners for an English project. While she tried to think of ways to avoid getting off-topic while they worked in English, Gilbert’s car pulled into the spot next to hers. Anne was so absorbed in her thoughts that she jumped a little in her seat when he knocked on her window.
She collected herself quickly before unbuckling and opening the car door. Gilbert was leaning against his car, a small smirk on his face.
“What were you thinking about there, Anne?”
“Oh, nothing really. Honestly just zoned out,” she started walking towards the building, hoping he’d take that as a cue to stop talking, but Gilbert wasn’t exactly famous for understanding cues.
“I’ve been zoning in and out all morning. I have no idea how I’m going to keep my focus during the math exam. I had trouble keeping myself present while driving.”
Anne just hummed in response, refusing to look at him, desperate for the conversation to end. But her lack of response was enough to raise concern in Gilbert as he suddenly put his hand on her shoulder, turning her towards him, scanning her face. Anne felt blood rush to her cheeks, her face heating as his eyes roamed over her face.
Gilbert dropped his hands from her shoulders, “What’s wrong?”
Anne’s heart was pounding in her chest as he stared at her, waiting for a response. The day had just started, and he already knew something was off.
“Nothing! Just tired, I promise.” The whole sentence felt wrong, fake. She was lying and they both knew it. Anne saw the hurt behind his eyes, but he just nodded and began walking towards the school entrance. She didn’t follow him, stuck in place, realizing the true gravity of the situation.
She hated this. She was closing herself off to him, hiding her emotions from him, but she didn’t know what else to do.
Was closing herself off, shutting him out of this part of her life going to cause more damage than just admitting how she felt?