Chapter Text
Feelings are inextricably human. There’s no way around it. Everyone feels. Some would say that our ability to feel is what defines us as people.
I might be inclined to disagree.
Love, sadness, fear, anger - these are things normal people have. As a psychic, I’ve never been able to connect to those feelings in quite the same way. I can’t be shocked or stressed; I can anticipate anything and everything, so the joy of being surprised by a gift or the fear of being caught off guard by an attacker are things I’ve never experienced. I can hear the thoughts of everyone around me, so nobody’s actions are anything but premeditated. It’s hard to form feelings towards other people when you experience the world like that.
Therefore, I’ve never had friends. I have a gaggle of nuisances that crowd around me and wrench my precious time from my hands, if you can call those “friends”. I don’t feel anything about them other than annoyance, though. Besides, all of them are just projecting my silence as whatever personality they want me to have. Reading their minds just shows me how ignorant all of them are, really. They’re pretty predictable.
At least, most of the time. Which is why now, sitting in class with the swirling thoughts of everyone around me, my attention was pricked by the thoughts of a familiar voice saying my name.
“Saiki looks nice today,” The internal monologue of Kaidou said plainly.
It was such a simple sentence, said as if it was as true as the sky being blue and the snow being cold.
Kaidou’s stream of consciousness paused, his own thought catching him off guard.
“Saiki...looks nice today.” His brain supplied again helpfully as he tried to process what he’d just thought.
It was impossible not to steal a glance his way. Instead of doing his work, he’d been staring at me, I could feel his gaze burning a hole through my head.
As soon as our eyes met, he looked away quickly.
”Huh.” I thought, watching as he tapped the eraser of his pencil on his desk. ”Do I look nice today?”
I knew it was stupid, but I looked down at myself. School uniform, plain shoes, combed hair, straight tie; I was the same as always, of course, and I mentally chided myself for even having to check.
”Damn, he saw me staring. Why am I staring?” Kaidou thought, the taps of his pencil accelerating. ”Did he do his hair different?”
Nothing was different. I had half a mind to tell him that myself.
”Whatever.” I thought, trying to drown out his thoughts with the sea of other classmates’.
That proved difficult, however. Every few minutes I’d catch Kaidou’s eyes flicking towards me, trying to be subtle in his very unsubtle Kaidou-esque way. What was his problem?
As soon as the bell rang, I gathered up my things as fast as possible, trying as usual to beat the tide of people coming to bother me.
“Hey Saiki!” Kaidou’s voice called to me.
He cut off my path to the door, bouncing to a stop like a puppy dog.
“Walking home together, like usual?” He smiled.
I glanced down at him, meeting his gaze.
His heart jumped.
I blinked. Had I startled him? His quickening pulse told me that I had, but he hadn’t flinched.
Reading his thoughts didn’t help. All that was coming from his brain was a stream of ”His eyes?? His eyes??” which provided no insight at all.
I have eyes. Big revelation there. They’re hidden behind glasses for a reason, and the reason isn’t their abnormal color. (Well, it would be abnormal, if I hadn’t fixed the world to have adjusted to unusually colored pigmentations already.)
”Are we going or not?” I thought, brushing past him.
“Oh, wait up!” He said, snapping out of it and jogging to my side.
Kaidou really was like a dog, now that I thought about it. He was definitely loyal like one, and clumsy like a puppy too. His favorite place seemed to be by my side, much like a well trained dog at their owner’s heel. Even his hair kind of looks like the fluff of a pomeranian, if pomeranians were light blue and this particular one was left ungroomed for a while.
Unfortunately for Kaidou, I’m not a huge fan of dogs. Their internal thoughts were even more feral than his. At least they weren’t cats, though.
Speak of the devil, the most catlike person I knew was coming down the hall towards us.
Teruhashi was, also as usual, followed by her herd of adoring fans.
Cats have an internal monologue about everyone loving them, and Teruhashi was no different. Reading her thoughts was something I avoided doing at all costs.
”I’m so glad to make these boy’s days by blessing them with my presence! I really am the perfect girl!” She thought airily, combing her fingers through a strand of her hair. ”Ooh, there’s Saiki! Finally, I found him!”
It was too late to teleport away now, but I kind of wanted to anyway. Maybe if I did it fast enough she’d think I was just a figment of her imagination.
“Saiki!” She called, trotting my way. “Heading home? I’d love to walk with you!”
”I’m already walking with Kaidou.” I thought with a frown.
“You’re welcome to join us, Teruhashi!” Kaidou said, nervously playing with the frayed edge of his bandages.
“Oh, well, I was hoping I could walk with just Saiki today…” She said, batting her eyelashes.
”C’mon Kaidou, stand up for yourself.” I begged.
“O-oh, okay…” He replied, shrinking.
”Traitor.”
”Teruhashi wants to walk home with him? Alone?” “Why Saiki, of all people?” “Lucky guy, I wish Teruhashi wanted to be alone with me…” “I’m gonna kill Saiki for this!” The thoughts of her pack of lovesick admirers rang in my ears.
They can have her, as far as I’m concerned. I’m not interested.
I made sure to lock eyes with Kaidou as I followed Teruhashi out, sending him an absolutely devastating glare. He looked away sheepishly.
“So, Saiki,” She said as we walked through the school gates. “How are you today? Good?”
This was weirdly idle conversation for her. She was procrastinating something.
I nodded, hoping to encourage it out of her. The sooner whatever this was got over with, the better.
“Good! Good. Me too, yep, very nice day today. Good weather too.” She hummed.
”Spit it out Kokomi, you have to do it now or never!” She thought.
I’d rather she didn’t, but if it had to be done, now or never were the best options for me too.
“I have to ask you something.” She said, interlacing her fingers.
”Oh god, I have to say it. C’mon, ask him!” She thought.
Well, no getting out of this one. She was definitely about to confess. I could teleport away, but then I’d have explaining to do. I guess I had to reject her to her face at some point, it might as well be now. She’s been trying and failing to ask me out for so long, the band aid had to be ripped off at some point. I braced myself for the psychic impact of her tears.
“Saiki…” She paused, turning to me and nervously dodging eye contact. “Are you gay?”
I blinked.
“I ask because, well, I mean, you’ve never been interested in any girls, or anything…” She fidgeted.
That’s not what I was expecting.
I’d given being gay just about as much thought as I’d given to being straight, which is to say not much thought at all. As soon as I was old enough to conceptualize romance, I knew I would never be able to have it. Being able to read your partner’s mind sounds like a good thing, but the reality would be a nightmare, trust me. I decided it wasn’t an option so long ago, that by the time I’d learned that people defined themselves differently based on their gender of preference, I didn’t waste any time analyzing myself about it. I’d never considered myself straight or gay or whatever, because I’d never considered myself to be anything.
I wasn’t sure how to respond. Teruhashi looked up at me with her expressive blue eyes, anxiously waiting for me to respond.
”He’s not saying anything...did I offend him? It’s just, the only men who have never shown any interest in me are gay, so I figured…”
Ah, there it was. I internally rolled my eyes. Well, if being gay would get her off my back, then so be it.
I gave a slow nod.
“Oh!” She sighed, looking down at my feet. “Okay! Thank you for telling me, I…”
Her voice trailed off. I started to slide away, hoping to go enjoy the rest of my life without her nuisance.
“...I’m really glad you told me, Saiki.” She said finally.
I paused.
“I know it must not be easy to trust someone with something like that. I had a feeling, but I didn’t want to be wrong or anything. And, um, you don’t have to worry about me telling people. I would never out you.”
”Huh.” I thought, reading her emotions. ”She’s being honest.”
That was a relief. I didn’t need another rumor about me circulating the school, especially one as salacious as my sexuality. I had already been compiling a list of options for quelling it before it could get too out of hand.
“Oh man, I’ve totally been making you uncomfortable, haven’t I?” She laughed, putting her hand on her face. “No wonder you never...I am so sorry. Jeez.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“You could totally tell I had a crush on you.” She said with a sigh, turning to continue walking. “I know I haven’t been subtle about it.”
That was pretty self aware. Normally I would take this opportunity to slip away, but for some reason, I felt compelled to actually walk with her.
“You just seemed so unattainable, I was like, obsessed with getting you to like me.” She laughed, a tinge of bitterness in her voice. “But recently, I...I started to think, maybe I didn’t even want you yourself, I just wanted to be liked...? Everyone has always liked me. I know how self absorbed that sounds. I guess I kind of am. So when someone ignores me, it bothers me way more than it should, so my feelings got all twisted up. But then, just the other day, I had a thought, and I realized that you might not even like girls, so...ah, sorry for rambling, I just, I’m really sorry for putting you in such a weird position.”
All things I already knew, but it was admittedly nice to hear her say them out loud.
I smiled at her, nodding. Hopefully she knew that meant there were no hard feelings and that she can leave me alone with a clear conscience.
“I’m so glad I asked.” She sighed with relief. “I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.”
”Yeah, me too. And it weighed exactly as much as you do.” I thought sarcastically.
But a thought I couldn’t quite put my finger on lingered in my mind. There was an itch at the back of my brain that I couldn’t scratch.
-
Late that night, long past when I was usually fast asleep, the thought without a name still sat in my throat.
I definitely was glad Teruhashi wouldn’t be pursuing me anymore, it wasn’t that. I felt nothing but relief when thinking about how I wouldn’t have to live my life dodging around her. The thought of going on dates with a girl has always made me want to teleport to the sun and burn alive. When people ask if I have a girlfriend yet, I think I would rather be trapped in a room full of a thousand singing Nendos than answer them.
And I wasn’t really worried about Teruhashi telling people that I’m gay. She was being serious when she said she wouldn’t do that.
I sat up in bed.
I’d never considered that I might be gay.
It was a possibility, I supposed. I’d known what it felt like to have a girl have a crush on me, and I detested it. But trying to picture a guy in that position…?
Memories of things Teruhashi and Mikoto and Yumehara had said to me during their ill-fated crushes flashed through my mind. What would it be like if a guy was saying them to me? What if a boy was thinking those thoughts?
It was so foreign it made my head spin. This was too much for one night. I shouldn’t even contemplate this, really. It was a rabbit hole I couldn’t go down. I could never date anyone anyway, regardless of their gender. It just wouldn’t work.
I laid down, pulling my blanket over my head. It didn’t help to drown out the thoughts of everyone around me, but it was a little comforting, at least.
-
I dreamt about boys holding hands.
Not mine, though. I was in the boy’s locker room, watching faceless classmates whispering to each other and clutching their hands together like their lives depended on it. They were stealing glances at me, laughing with their mouthless faces about how everyone was paired off except me. So, a pretty realistic dream.
I was glad to wake up.
I was less glad to go to school, especially with those images replaying in my head. What a pain. I slogged through morning classes, doing my work as slowly as possible to try to keep my mind from wandering. I didn’t need to be processing any potentially life-changing information during school hours.
Lunch period came like molasses, but at least it came eventually. A cursory glance showed me no opportunity for cover to teleport, so I found a quiet spot on the roof for at least a modicum of peace.
Or not.
“Hey Saiki!” Came the voice of that familiar nuisance.
I looked up from the book I was trying to distract myself with, seeing Kaidou closing the rooftop door behind him.
“Is this where you usually disappear to during lunch?” He asked, sitting down next to me.
I nodded my head, only lying partially. I usually teleport home, but the rooftop usually did fine in a pinch.
“Cool. I know you usually eat alone, or at least I think you do, so, uh, I can leave if you want me to but, uh…” He trailed off.
He didn’t have an excuse for wanting to find me, I didn’t need telepathy to know that. Conveniently, however, I do have telepathy.
”I know he probably wants space, but...” He thought, hiding his face by biting into his convenience store bread. ”I don’t know why, but I want to spend more time with him.”
Whatever. Kaidou was probably the least of my annoyances, if I had to pick one. At least the version of me he made up in his head is the closest to reality out of anyone else’s, even if it’s not in the way he thinks it is. He thinks of both of us as having superpowers, he’s just wrong about himself.
“Do you want some?” He asked, tearing off a piece of his bread. “It’s maple flavored.”
”Ah, this is why I keep you around.” I thought happily, taking it from him and popping it in my mouth.
“You really like sweets, huh?” He smiled.
He’s got me there. I like to think I’ve got a heart of stone, but my weakness for sugary snacks keeps me humble.
I picked back up my book, licking the lingering sweetness off my lips.
“I have another one, here, you can have the rest!” He said agreeably.
Without even thinking about my actions, I kept my eyes on my book and opened my mouth, leaning towards him.
Kaidou’s heart rate jumped like a firecracker was set off in his ribs, his stream of thoughts freezing.
Gingerly, carefully, he put the rest of the bread in my mouth, whipping his hand away like I was a dog that might bite him.
Why did that embarrass me?
I chewed the bread, resisting a blush rising to my own face. That wasn’t weird, right? My hands were occupied, so it was just a natural motion. No, it wasn’t weird. I made a mental note to never do it again.
“A-anyway,” Kaidou coughed, his voice cracking. “Gym period is next, y’know, so, I thought I’d load up on carbs, y’know like runners do?”
Not exactly, but he’s got the spirit at least. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to do that a few days before the race, not the few minutes prior.
I flipped the page of my book, chewing on the bread.
Wait. I forgot. Gym period is next.
The images from my dream flashed through my mind, causing me to wince physically. Just when I’d forgotten all about it. The boys locker room is already such a cursed place, why did it need to remind me of that on top of it all?
Kaidou looked at me inquisitively.
”He flinched. Is the book he’s reading scary? Don’t worry Saiki, the only monsters that are real in this world are the Dark Reunion, with their foul plans to—“
That was enough of that. I tuned out his internal monologue, savoring the last few minutes of a break from the rest of our class.
The bell chimed, signaling our doomed march.
I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut and closing my book.
“...you don’t like gym either?” Kaidou said, tucking his knees up to his chest.
I glanced his way.
He really looked small when he did that.
Honestly most of the time I forget how small he is. He has the energy of someone tall, stuck in the body of a boy only about 159 cm when he stands on his tip toes (I know he does it when he gets measured, I’d seen it happen). But when he says something vulnerable, or his chuuni facade cracks, the smallness shows.
“Maybe we could skip together…” He said halfheartedly.
I don’t know why my instinct was to teleport the both of us far away from here, but his thoughts rejected the idea before I could rationalize out if it myself.
”I wish we really could...my mom would kill me for real if she found out I skipped a class.”
Skipping would make me stand out anyway, and if there’s one thing I’d like to avoid, it’s attention. I guess we both have to face this.
I stood, slinging my bag over my shoulder.
Kaidou suddenly seemed very interested in the ground, poking at a pebble near his feet.
I rolled my eyes.
”C’mon, we gotta put that carb load to use. I thought, holding my hand out to help him up.
He hesitated, before taking it and hoisting himself off the ground, his hand lingering almost imperceptibly longer than it should have.
-
The boy’s locker room was as awful as ever. It smelled absolutely foul, like the worst mixture of sweat and cheap deodorant. I resisted the urge to hold my nose.
I usually changed in one of the stalls, but because god hates me, they were both occupied today.
I stared directly at the floor, changing as quickly as possible. I’m lucky to be a shapeshifter, so nobody has to know I was born as a girl, but the feeling of discomfort around naked cis men never really goes away. The “default” my body takes is mostly that of a cis man’s anyway. Not that any of them were ever paying attention, most of the other boys secretly being too busy being self conscious about their own bodies to care about mine.
Except, I did feel one pair of eyes on me.
I looked up from the t-shirt I was about to pull on to see Kaidou standing beside me, half-changed himself, his gaze at my legs.
Every inch of him was so scrawny that it looked like a gust of wind could blow him over (it could, I’d seen it happen). Without even using my powers I could probably scoop him up by his waist like picking up a small dog. He probably weighed as much as a pomeranian soaking wet. I kind of wanted to lift him up to see.
”His skin is so smooth…” He thought, his eyes trailing up my sides.
Hm. Definitely not a serial killer thing to think.
”I kind of want to touch it…”
Normally, that would make me recoil. Nendo was always putting his hand on my shoulder or over my eyes, and I hated it. Physical touch from just about anyone was unbearable to me. But for some reason, the thought of Kaidou didn’t seem too bad, if a little weird. Actually, picturing his hand curiously brushing my upper hip made me feel...something. A positive emotion, mixed with a strong undercurrent of nerves, like putting way too much sugar in coffee.
I wanted to beam into his brain to do it, it wouldn’t be weird if you just pretended you were passing by me, and happened to brush by. Just to sate both of our curiosities. That wouldn’t be so wrong, would it?
His eyes trailed their way up to mine, and we realized simultaneously that we both had been staring.
His face turned approximately the color of a beet, whipping his head away from me.
”He saw me staring I’m gonna die I’m gonna throw up why was I thinking about his skin am I a pervert oh god I’m so glad he can’t hear my thoughts”
Sorry, buddy.
To be fair, I am also feeling like I’m in boiling water right now. What was I just thinking? Kaidou’s hand on my waist? Why did that—
“Who won?” Came the voice of Nendo.
Kaidou and I both snapped to attention. Nendo was standing there the whole time too. Of course. Curse his ability to evade my psychic detection.
“The staring contest, who won?” He asked again, pointing at us.
“O-oh, haha! Yeah, that’s what we were doing!” Kaidou said, throwing on his gym shirt. “Um, Saiki, who won?”
”We both lost.” I thought.
“You guys are weird!” Nendo laughed.
-
I’ve never been sick before. It’s a benefit of being a psychic. I’ve never had a fever, never had to stay home from school, not even food poisoning from any of the dubious ramen places Nendo has dragged us to. Even the common cold can’t reach me, with its ever present grasp on the human population.
But all good things must come to an end, because somehow, I’ve caught an illness.
During the rest of that gym period, I felt sick to my stomach. We were running laps around the field, which might give the weakest among us aches, but never me. It wasn’t the exercise.
“Hey, Saiki, you’re running slow.” Matsuzaki called, signalling me down. “Come get some water.”
I jogged up to him, feeling sweat drip down my neck. He handed me a water bottle, eyeing me up and down.
“Usually you’re middle of the pack. Why are you alongside Kaidou today?” He asked.
For some reason, that made me feel even sicker.
“...maybe you should go see the nurse.” He said, his voice softening. “You don’t look like yourself today. Get some rest.”
As much as it pained me to admit it, he might be right. I’d never legitimately needed the nurse before, and I hoped I could keep it together enough to not let any of my psychic powers slip in front of them.
I nodded, starting towards the building.
“Hang on, let me send someone with you.” Matsuzaki scanned the crowd. “Teruhashi, can you bring Saiki to the nurse?”
”Why does he get to spend more time with her?” “Maybe I could fake being sick too, then I’d get to be alone with Teruhashi…” “I’m gonna kill him for real this time!” Came the predictable thoughts of her devoted fans. What a pain.
“Of course!” She said while trotting over, a hint of concern in her voice. “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head.
“Don’t worry, I bet lying down will help!” She smiled, putting her hand on my back.
I flinched away from it.
We walked to the nurse in what would be silence for a normal person. However, unfortunately, I could hear Teruhashi’s stream of cheerful thoughts, raving about how good of a person she is for helping me out and projecting my silence as being overwhelmed with gratitude.
She can think that, for all I care. All that matters to me is figuring out what’s wrong with me.
“Um, excuse us, Saiki wasn’t feeling well in gym class.” Teruhashi said, opening the door.
I walked in, beelining for one of the hospital beds.
“Oh dear, what’s wrong?” The nurse asked, picking up her thermometer and placing it under my tongue.
I wasn’t sure what to say. Honestly, I was feeling better already. It had definitely been my stomach, but also my palms were sweaty, and my head felt light. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before, but maybe it was the running, somehow. No, that wasn’t possible.
“You can go back to class.” The nurse gestured to Teruhashi.
“Ah, actually, if it’s alright, I’m really worried about Saiki…” She said, batting her eyelashes. “I’d like to stay to make sure he’s okay…”
“What a sweet young lady!” The nurse smiled. “Worried about your classmate, how diligent!”
I rolled my eyes.
“But really, go back to class. The nurse’s office is for sick students, okay?”
Teruhashi pouted, but turned to leave with her tail between her legs. I decided that I liked the school nurse.
“Well, your temperature is a little high, but in the normal range.” She said, taking the thermometer out of my mouth. “And your heart rate is the same.”
I could have told her that. I already had been scanning myself for issues, to no avail. The only possibilities I could think of were that my brother had somehow remotely cranked up the voltage on my power limiters (my best working theory), a strange undetectable supervirus had infected me somehow (unlikely but still on the table), or that the problem was purely psychological (the least likely of them all).
“You might have just overdone it. It’s good to avoid heat exhaustion, so rest here with this ice pack, okay?” She took one out of the freezer, handing it to me.
I can regulate my temperature on my own, but I took it anyway, placing it on my forehead and closing my eyes. It was kind of relaxing, actually. I did feel a lot better.
I pricked an eye open. I had a premonition that I was about to feel worse.
The door opened with a dramatic crash, in barreling Hairo, carrying the limp body of Kaidou on his back.
“Nurse! Kaidou passed out on the field, likely from heat exhaustion!” He yelled, flopping Kaidou’s crumpled body onto the bed adjacent to mine.
“Again?” She said, pulling out another ice pack.
Hairo saluted and took his leave, the brave soldier.
“I don’t know why they have you kids running around out there in this weather.” She sighed.
I think Kaidou is just frail.
I glanced at him. He was conscious, but only barely. His foot was hanging off one side of the bed. He was breathing heavily, his mouth hanging open.
Wait. I looked closer.
I’d never noticed before that his canine teeth were crooked like that, making it look like he had little fangs.
I felt a fluttering sensation in my chest. The sickness was back.
Kaidou.
I sat up.
It happened around Kaidou.
There were a few possibilities. One, my brother somehow implanted a power limiter somewhere on him. Two, Kaidou is the carrier of a pathogen so dangerous it can go undetected even by me. Three...
Nope, it wasn’t that. What could Kaidou psychologically possibly do to me? I’m a brick wall, impenetrable by humankind. I don’t care about anyone. I don’t have friends, sidekicks, heroes, or crushes. I can’t have those things. Not when I can read their minds. Not just because I’m above those things.
I laid back down and looked up at the ceiling, tearing my eyes away from his cute little fangs.
“You okay, Saiki?” The nurse asked, rolling her chair over to the side of my bed.
I gave her a thumbs up. Great. Better than ever. I might throw up.