Work Text:
Kei wasn't always numb.
He could remember days of laughter and happiness,
Though he wasn't sure whether the memories were real or merely a hopeful dream,
They were too hazy to tell,
And where he sits currently on the cold, white tiles of his second floor bathroom the sting of the silver turned red still fresh on his skin makes it hard to imagine him being anything other than empty and lacking in iron.
The starving and scarring were now part of him, they could never be removed.
Did he want them gone?
He wasn't even sure did.
Kei stood avoiding the blood around his feet as he reached for the well used bandages he kept hidden behind the unopened box of hair dye in the vanity cabinet.
He'd bought the dye in case changing his appearance would help him understand how most people don't feel physically repulsed by the person they see in the mirror,
he'd never gotten around to trying it.
The blond wrapped his wrist in a well practiced rythem and slotted his blades back into the opening between the mirror and the water damaged wood it was attatched to.
Walking back to his room the middle blocker wondered whether this would ever stop,
This endless feeling of disgust and hatred he harbored towards himself
Would he stop cutting if it did?
Maybe
But then again who cared
It didn't matter.
nothing mattered.
Death would arrive at everyone's door soon enough.
Thinking about it he realised he'd already lived a fifth of his life,
If he died of natural causes at 80,
(which was unlikely considering his mental health)
then he only had another 4 times what he had already lived before it was over, not that long when you think about it
Maybe it's best not to think like that,
Existential dread begins to kick in pretty quickly.
Kei lowered himself onto his futon, watching carefully for any loose crumbs he may have left from his most recent binges not wanting to have chocolate melt into his sweatpants,
The blond layed back once he deemed it crumb free and closed his eyes hoping to fall into the abyss quickly to avoid his thoughts wondering more than they already had,
For once he was actually tired enough from practice
(he had been forced to do 20 extra laps around the gym due to lack of effort during practice game run throughs)
So he was lucky enough to settle easily and begin to slip beyond consciousness almost immediately,
His last thoughts being that he hoped while he was sleeping he was somehow erased from existence.