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The call came late in the evening. Caleb was just on his way home, having spent his time in the library until they had eventually kicked him out to close the doors for the night. He had made a stop to buy cat food and was about to start the car again when his phone rang. The number was unfamiliar. A bit wary, he picked up.
A female voice greeted him on the other end. “The Cedar Pond hospital here. Am I talking to Mister Caleb Widogast?” He frowned, his mind beginning to race. Why would the hospital call him? Had something happened to one of his friends? Veth or Beauregard maybe? “Yes… Yes that’s me,” he responded after an awkward pause.
“I’m glad I reached you Mr. Widogast," she told him. "You are listed as the emergency contact for Mollymauk Tealeaf.”
“That… Am I? I mean… Sure.” He cleared his throat. “What happened?”
“Please come to the hospital right away, Mr Tealeaf was admitted an hour ago and he wants to talk to you. He’s very insistent to leave, and we’d rather have someone to pick him up at least.”
Caleb fumbled the key into the ignition . “Okay, I’ll be on my way.”
Rain was beating down heavily on the windshield. The lights of the city were blurry and unsteady in the downpour. Traffic was hell and it took a lot out of him to stay calm.
He wondered how he had ended up as Mollymauk’s emergency contact. Sure, they were friends, but mostly because they shared a mutual group of friends and acquaintances. Caleb liked to keep his head stuck deep into books and papers, working on his PHD, while Molly liked to spend his time at the local circus, hanging out with the artists, when he was not dancing in clubs or roaming town to spray graffiti together with Jester.
He knew that Veth or Beau would probably leave his number in the hospital for emergencies. But Mollymauk?
Surely he would put down Yasha’s number. If he was even foresighted enough to leave a number at all. And when had he done this? Had he been to the hospital before?
Why him?
It made him uneasy to not know.
He didn’t know what to do once he was there. How to approach the situation. He could count their direct interactions on one hand. Mostly they hung around in bigger groups.
Sure, he could not deny the small jump his stomach did every time he saw Molly. Or the little smile that came to his lips when he talked about him, no matter how much he tried to keep a straight face. But he had always thought that he was just another of Molly’s many acquaintances. Not glamorous or extrovert enough to truly capture his attention. And now he was driving to the hospital to see him and possibly pick him up. It felt surreal.
A big sigh of relief escaped him when he finally pulled up on the hospital parking lot. Lacking an umbrella, he pulled his coat over his head and shoulders and ran towards the entrance, leaving a trail of water behind when he stepped into the brightly lit interior of the entrance hall to the ER. It seemed to be a quiet night, thankfully.
A woman wearing a white cardigan over her green scrubs was sitting behind the counter and looked up as he entered. “Sir are you alright?” There was genuine concern in her voice and he realized that he probably looked a bit disheveled after hurrying through the rain.
“Yes, yes,” he assured her after catching his breath and stepped over to the glass that separated her from him. “I got a call about a friend being here? Mr. Tealeaf? I’m his emergency contact, apparently.”
She ran her finger down a list in front of her and nodded. “Ah yes, right. We tried calling Ms. Nydoorin, but she is out of the country right now, so we called the second person on the list instead.”
She shoved a flipchart forward, pointing at his name written out in a messy, flamboyant hand next to his number, to prove her words.
Caleb nodded, still feeling a bit numb. “Where can I find him?”
“He is in room 14. It’s down that hall and then to the left.”
“Thank you.” He gave her a nod and began to follow the hall she had pointed out. There was something foreboding about the flickering neon lights as he walked over sickly green linoleum towards the room with the number 14. His wet shoes were squeaking loudly on the ground and he hated the noise but was unable to do anything about it.
A tired nurse hurried past, paying no attention to him. Apart from that the corridor was empty and he took a moment to collect himself. He ran a hand through his hair to straighten it out a bit, and put the collar of his coat down. Then he quickly patted down his pockets to make sure everything was still there, keys, wallet, phone, notebook. One of his many habits.
When he couldn’t find anything to stall for time any longer he softly knocked at the door and entered the room. Mollymauk was looking relaxed, one arm behind his head, the other hooked up to an IV that was dripping away next to him, the bag filled with a clear liquid. It was almost empty. He was wearing a hospital gown, with his clothes draped over a chair next to the bed.
A bandage was wrapped around his head, his long hair hanging around his shoulders in a tangled mess. A monitor next to the bed was showing his heartbeat and beeping quietly. Everything looked normal, as far as Caleb could judge with his untrained eye.
When he entered Molly gave him a big smile. “Welcome to my humble abode,” he said in the tone of a lord welcoming a new guest into his summer castle. “It’s a pleasure to see you.”
Caleb frowned at him, staying close to the door. “What happened? And why am I your emergency contact?”
Molly let out a big dramatic sigh. “I had a seizure. People panicked and called an ambulance. It’s nothing serious, it just happens sometimes. They insisted on calling you anyway. But hey, at least I don’t need to call a cab now.”
Caleb didn’t let him off the hook that easily. “That does not answer my second question.”
“You’re a reliable, responsible adult Caleb, why wouldn’t I want you as my emergency contact?” Molly gave him a disarming smile.
“A warning would have been nice…” Caleb grumbled.
Molly grinned at him. “Life is full of surprises. Don’t fret about it my friend. Just help me get out of here. They want to keep me overnight but I’d rather spend the night on a park bench than in this depressing place.”
“And what do you mean ‘it happens’? Have you had seizures before?”
A doctor was entering the room then, before Molly could reply. A tall man with a clip chart in hand. He almost bumped into Caleb, busy with reading his notes as he walked.
“Oh hello there,” he murmured absentmindedly. He positioned himself at the foot of the bed, looking at Molly over the rim of his glasses.
“Okay Mr. Tealeaf. If you want to leave the hospital I can’t stop you, you just have to sign some paperwork first. I see your friend came to make sure you get home safely?”
Caleb just shrugged at that, not that the doctor was paying any attention to him anyway. He was focused on his patient.
“And Mr. Tealeaf, I can’t stress this enough, you have to be more careful. With your condition it is dangerous to live a reckless lifestyle, you need to get enough rest, and eat healthy. No alcohol, no cigarettes and definitely no drugs.” He gave the chart a disapproving look.
Molly gave him the same disarming smile he had given Caleb only moments before. “Yes yes doctor, I promise I’ll be a good boy.”
Caleb wasn’t sure he had even listened to the doctor’s words.
He sighed in defeat. “Alright then Mr. Tealeaf. I will have the nurse prepare the paperwork you have to sign. I hope I don’t see you here again for a while. Take care, please.”
And with that he left, not sparing Caleb another glance. Molly spoke up before he could ask any questions.
“Could you give me a ride home?” Molly asked.
He shook his head in response. “No. You will come with me. If you insist on leaving, I will at least make sure you’re not alone tonight. This is not up for debate.”
“Aye,” Molly agreed and threw back the blanket to put his feet onto the floor. He looked down at his hand which still held the IV with a frown. “Hand me some tape from that cupboard?” he pointed behind Caleb. Caleb opened his mouth to protest but then just did what Molly asked of him. He was pretty sure he would not be able to stop him anyway.
With a disapproving frown he watched him pull the needle out of his hand and then helped him to tape down a piece of cotton to stop the bleeding. “There,” Molly said, satisfied. “No need to bother a nurse about this, they are busy enough.”
“Do you need help getting dressed?” Caleb asked him, secretly hoping Molly would be fine without him. He wasn’t sure if he could handle close physical contact with him right now, confused and distressed as he already was about the whole situation.
“I will manage,” Molly told him and Caleb relaxed a bit.
“Okay, I’ll wait outside. Call me if you need me.”
******
After the paperwork was taken care of, he accompanied Molly to his car. The rain was still pouring down heavily but his friend didn’t seem to mind. He leaned his head back and smiled at the raindrops hitting his face.
Caleb hurried to get out of the bad weather, turning the heating up as soon as he was in the driver's seat. Molly took the passenger’s seat and looked around the car with interest.
“That’s a lot of cats,” he remarked when his eyes fell on the collection of little figurines taped to the top of the dashboard. Caleb shrugged.
“It was just one initially, but people took it as a hint to bring me more.” Not that he minded it, he enjoyed looking at the gifts of his friends.
“Let me guess, this one is from Jester?” Molly asked with a smirk, pointing out a blue cat sitting upright, unmistakably creating a phallic shape.
“You have a keen eye,” Caleb told him and started the car.
The drive back was less frantic and stressful, and Caleb could appreciate the colors and the lights of the city this time. Neither of them were talking. Molly had his head leaned against the car window, his eyes fixed on the sky where the clouds were still bleeding water.
I hope he isn’t still high , Caleb thought to himself, still not sure how to deal with the entire situation.
When they reached his apartment the rain had stopped. Caleb unlocked the front door and together they made their way up to the top floor where he lived. There was no elevator and the stairs were crooked and noisy, but he didn’t mind. He enjoyed the solitude of living above everyone else. He noticed that Molly rested on every landing, catching his breath, although he tried to hide it.
He opened the door and Molly strode into his apartment, making his way to the living room right after he disposed of his shoes next to the entrance. Caleb could hear him flop down on the sofa. He hung up his wet coat and carefully locked the door again.
The small flat didn’t have modern heating, only a fireplace in the living room. Other people might find it horrible to live like that, but he enjoyed the ritual of building a fire each day, the special warmth only a hearth can create. When he left the doors to the other rooms open he could heat the entire apartment with it.
He started a fire and then got up to look at Molly, who was sitting on his sofa watching him work.
“I will order us some food. Just wait here a moment.” With that he went over to his phone in the hallway and started dialing.
******
When he came back into the living room an orange cat had just jumped into Molly’s lap and he began to stroke its head. “Hey, you must be Frumpkin,” he greeted him. “I heard a lot about you.” The cat began to purr intensely and curled up, pressed against his belly.
“Do you have a bandaid?” Molly asked. “This is ridiculous.” He pointed at the bandage around his head.
“Oh sure, let me get my first aid kit.” He left again, to get his supplies from the bathroom.
Molly reached a hand out to grab them from him when he returned, but Caleb shook his head. “Let me do it,” he murmured and began to unwrap the bandage around his head. It was holding a compress in place on the back of Molly’s head, and when he gently removed it he counted seven stitches holding together a laceration on the back of his skull. They had shaved some of his hair away to clean the wound properly, and he spotted at least two additional scars in close proximity to the fresh injury. He swallowed. He must have hit the ground pretty hard when he fell and not for the first time.
Caleb took out some supplies from his kit and applied a fresh band aid, big enough to cover the wound. “You might lose some more hair.” he informed Molly, and only got a shrug in return. So he patched him up to the best of his ability and then gently pulled back long purple hair to let it hang over the wound. Molly looked almost back to normal.
Caleb began to pack the kit up again. “Okay, now tell me please. What exactly is your condition? Do you have epilepsy? If so, why didn’t you tell us?” He pulled the zipper shut and looked up at Molly when he didn’t respond.
“No it’s not epilepsy,” Molly sighed. “And I didn’t tell you because I don’t like people getting weird about it. But I guess now that you played my knight in shining armor I owe you an explanation. Come, sit with me.”
Caleb quickly stored the first aid kit away and sat down next to Molly, enjoying the warmth of the fire in front of them, although it was diminished somewhat by the dread settling in his stomach.
“I have a tumor in my head,” Molly stated. Caleb could feel the blood drain from his face as he stared at Molly with shock widened eyes. But his friend just kept talking, seemingly unbothered by the subject. “They can’t take it out without killing me and they don’t think I will reach my forties. They told me two years ago. So I guess it’s my second birthday today. Or at least the second birthday of my little friend,” he gently knocked at his forehead with his knuckles. “I celebrated a bit, maybe had a bit too much to drink. What does it matter?”
Molly gave him a shrug and an apologetic grin, as if he was trying to lift the mood despite the heavy topic. Caleb noticed the slight twitching in his left hand. How had he never noticed before? He stared at it and felt the tears spilling over, unable to stop them. He didn’t know what to say.
“Oh come on, don’t cry Widogast, I’m not dead yet. Come here.” Molly reached up to take Caleb’s hand and pulled him into a hug. Gently stroking his back he kept talking. “That’s one of the shittiest parts about dying, you know? Having to make your friends deal with it, even though they will not be the ones in the casket. Come now. I’m still here.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I know that… I know it’s not about… I just…” He couldn’t bring himself to say the words that were burning in his mind. It was too painful. He sobbed.
“Does Yasha know?” he asked eventually.
“Yes she knows. She keeps me safe. When I don’t force her to leave town for a bit because I see how much she struggles staying in the same place that is.” His voice was full of fondness for his friend. The soft glow of the fire illuminated his features and when Caleb pulled back a bit he wondered if he had ever seen Molly look so genuine and so vulnerable before. It was beautiful. It scared him. He shivered for a moment, despite the flames in front of them.
Molly reached out a hand and softly touched his face, holding his eyes.
“It’s going to be okay,” he told him. “Just breathe.”
The doorbell rang and Caleb wiped at his eyes, sniffing as he untangled himself from Molly. “That’s our food, I’ll get it.”
Molly didn’t stop him and the delivery driver didn’t ask questions about his puffy face. After he paid him Caleb returned to the living room and began to stack boxes on the small table in front of the sofa. “I like the food they have at the coast. I hope you do too.”
His hands were shaking slightly, and he almost dropped one of the containers. Molly caught his wrist. “Hey Caleb, look at me, breathe. Slowly. Yes, there’s a good boy.”
Caleb began to calm down and let out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. I think I just need a bit of time to cope. That’s all. You’re right, I’m not the one dying.” The words tasted bitter on his lips.
“Let’s eat,” Molly suggested. “I bet you didn’t have anything but books all day.” Caleb gave him a guilty little smile.
They ate in silence, accompanied only by the crackling of the logs and the purring of Frumpkin who had nestled in close to Molly's thigh. The food was delicious but Caleb had a hard time finding his appetite. Molly on the other hand dug in without hesitation, visibly enjoying every bite.
“You always seem so cheerful.” Caleb murmured eventually, pushing away his plate. “Aren’t you… I’m sorry I don’t want to be too inconsiderate, but aren’t you scared?”
Molly leaned back on the sofa, eyes on the fire. They were reflecting the flickering light and for a moment, he seemed lost in the sight of the flames. When he spoke his voice was soft and unusually sincere, almost solemn.
“Just because we already know the ending doesn’t mean we can’t find and admire the beauty in life while it lasts,” he turned around to look Caleb straight into the eye.
“What does it matter that I could be dead tomorrow when I’m alive today. Everybody dies in the end. That’s the boring part. What comes before is what truly matters. ”
He shrugged. “The trick is just to take nothing for granted. Life, it owes you nothing. So just grab it by the balls and make the best of every day. And leave every place a little better than you found it. Leave everything else for tomorrow.”
Caleb’s heart was beating fast and his cheeks were flushing. Mollymauk was so beautiful in the flickering light of the fire, his eyes bright with pure and unconditional love of simply living .
He couldn’t take his eyes away from him, drinking in his beauty with his starving heart. When he realised he was staring he quickly turned away to take a sip of his drink, trying to avert his gaze.
Molly waited until he was done drinking and then tapped him on the shoulder to make him look up. He was smiling wildey, if a bit sad.
“I know you have a crush on me, Widogast,” he stated simply.
“I…” Caleb began but wasn’t able to formulate a convincing argument against it. His cheeks were burning now and he wanted to hide.
“You… how long did you…” he stammered eventually.
“Beau’s birthday party. You got a little drunk and told me about your studies and every time I asked you something about them your face would light up like I’d never seen before. I thought you were just a huge nerd back then. But the next morning you were hungover and grumpy, sitting in the kitchen with your coffee about to bite anyone who would make a loud noise. But when you looked at me you smiled. That’s when I knew.”
Caleb was taken aback by being perceived like that. By being seen. So often, he blended into the background and he liked it that way. But apparently he couldn’t fade enough to disappear from Molly’s line of sight. What else did he know or assume about him? Did he see the darker parts of his soul he desperately tried to hide?
“Why did you never say anything?” He asked and then quickly added, “it’s because it’s not mutual, right?”
He could already feel his heart sink after the initial rush of the honest words between them. He was just a poor student in a shitty apartment running from his past and Molly was… Mollymauk Tealeaf. Glamorous and wonderful.
Molly shook his head. “That’s where you’re wrong. I just… I didn’t want to hurt you. Didn’t want to let you close enough to shatter your heart when the end comes. Gods know you were already dealing with enough in your life.”
So he had seen his darkness then. It stung Caleb to think about it. He did not want anyone’s pity, he didn’t want to be patronized and felt something like anger flicker up in his chest.
“I don’t care about that. I don’t care. I only care about you. And you just said it, what does it matter if it could end tomorrow when we are alive today?”
He stared straight into the other man’s eyes, daring him to say anything to deny his words.
Molly laughed. “Damn you and your perfect memory.”
Suddenly, Caleb leaned forward and kissed him, and without hesitation Molly wrapped his arms around him to pull him close. His lips were soft and warm from the fire.
Out of the corner of his eye Caleb could see Frumpkin slip out of the room, clearly not interested in watching them getting intimate with each other.
He closed his eyes and gave himself over to the sensation. Being so close, being held and loved was overwhelming, the touches of Molly’s hands on his skin like bolts of electricity. He shuddered and moaned softly.
“Look at me, let me see you.” Molly murmured and pulled back to meet his eyes. “Yes like that,” he smiled and began to unbutton Caleb’s shirt.
“Don’t look away,” he told him. “Your eyes are beautiful, like deep rich water. Let me drink them in. I want to see you. I want you to see me.”
Caleb smiled back breathlessly. “Okay.”
He shrugged out of his shirt and then began to unbutton Molly’s colorful blouse in return. Molly gave no indication of even noticing the scars on his arms, let alone wondering about them, and it was such a huge relief.
Molly carried a lot of scars too, he noticed. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter where they came from and how many would follow. Right here, right now, was when they were alive.
The fire warmed their skin as they sank into each other’s embrace, exploring, caressing, tasting.
Overcome with hunger and pleasure Caleb blinked and was about to turn his head away, but Molly leaned close and whispered a reminder into his ear.
“Eyes never shut.”