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[February 5th, 2020]
"I don't want to have sex with you. I need to make that really clear."
"Oh. That's alright." Maybe this time, it actually will be. "It's early. I don't mind waiting until whenever you're ready." Or not.
Yoongi frowned down at his date's hand which now clasped over his own in a way that was probably meant to be a reassuring gesture. Their dinner plates had been cleared by the attentive waitstaff and they were expecting their waitress to come back with two slices of Black Forest gâteau any second now.
"Hey, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I was just joking around before." Before. When, the second she left their table with their dessert orders, Jaesung had leaned closer to Yoongi and told him with a wink that he hoped the cake wasn't the only sweet thing he would get to taste that night. Yoongi doubted it was a joke, but Jaesung pushing his luck gave him the perfect opening to bring up the thing he'd been meaning to. "But really, there's no pressure."
That was a lie because, yes, there was pressure. There was always an expectation looming over Yoongi that he would eventually be comfortable enough with a partner to sleep with them. Except, it had nothing to do with how comfortable he was with a person, had nothing to do with how much he loved them or wished he could be exactly what they wanted.
"We can take things slow." And there was the pressure, the expectation of eventually.
"Jae, I don't want to have sex with you at all," Yoongi clarified, pulling his hand out from beneath Jaesung's and resting it instead where his other hand was on his own lap under the table. He rubbed his right palm with his opposite thumb. A nervous habit, but one that comforted him for whatever reason. "There's never going to be a 'when I'm ready.'"
Jaesung seemed more than lost now and Yoongi almost felt bad for causing the poor man's brain to malfunction over the terribly complex concept of the word 'never' in a sexual context. "What makes you say that?"
"I'm asexual. I dislike sex." It was an overly simplified explanation. Yoongi spared his date the more complicated explanation where he talks about feeling sick every time he so much as imagined himself in a sexual situation with another person, about being disgusted with himself on the rare occasion that his libido does flare. How he becomes repulsed and anxious to the point that he can barely bring himself to do anything about it when it does because even touching himself just feels entirely wrong and ends up being more frustrating than the results are really worth. "I don't want it to be a part of any of my relationships."
The other man laughed. The sound was something huffy between disbelief and confusion. Then, Jaesung's grin faltered when he realized that Yoongi wasn't kidding, that he was dead serious. Jae studied him for a minute, probably wondering what exactly they were doing sitting across from each other then because what's the point of being on a date with someone at all if you have no intentions of eventually getting in that person's bed at some point? Eventually. Eventually. Eventually. "Who doesn't like sex? How can you expect to have a relationship without it?"
Yoongi sighed. He knew from his previous coming out experiences that this was the part of the conversation where he answered a bunch of invalidating questions that would put his identity on trial and force him to defend himself. By this point, he's heard almost every question and comment in the book and his responses were well rehearsed.
"Have you tried it before? Maybe you'll like it." He didn't need to force himself to try something just because there was a chance he'd like it or would have changed his mind since he last tried it. A person can know that they probably wouldn't enjoy hugging a cactus without ever having to do so to test their theory. It doesn't sound pleasant to them, so they avoid doing it. His sexual history wasn't his dates' business, but he sometimes indulged them by saying that he has and didn't enjoy it.
Which usually led to them saying something along the lines of, "Then it was probably just bad sex with someone who didn't know what they were doing." And Yoongi would try really hard not to roll his eyes because his partner could be the most or least sexually experienced person in the world and it wouldn't change how he felt about sex itself.
"Maybe you just weren't sexually attracted to that person." No shit. That's what asexuality is. He wasn't asexual because he was disgusted by sex. He was ace because he lacked the sexual attraction everyone else seemed to have built in. If Aphrodite, goddess of love herself came down to earth- No, scratch that. If Ryan fucking Gosling, who was real and probably the most aesthetically attractive man in the world, ever tried to seduce him (it could happen... in some weird, parallel universe where Ryan Gosling wasn't straight and married, and where Yoongi was somehow on his radar), Yoongi would still turn him down. All he wanted was a partner he could cuddle and kiss without it ever needing to lead to something more.
"So is this some form of repression? Internalized homophobia?" He often got this one as a follow up question. The guys he dated asked him because they thought that Yoongi not wanting to be physically intimate with them must mean that he hasn't fully come to terms with the part of himself that liked men. On the flip side, he also got this question from women who thought that because he wasn't trying to sleep with them, he was just using them as a beard to hide the fact that was one-hundred percent gay. He assured anyone who asked that he worked hard to undo any internalized biases he once held and was now out and proud, living his truth as a biromantic ace. He explained that there were different ways to be attracted to people; he wasn't ashamed of who he was attracted to or in what way he was attracted to them anymore. He just wasn't interested in anyone sexually and that aspect of his identity was actually the one he had the hardest time learning to accept.
"Is it because you were abused in the past?" He automatically despised anyone who let these words spill out of their big mouths. In what world was that ever an alright thing to ask someone? Only assholes risk bringing up someone's trauma. Yoongi never dignified this question with an answer. His next words were usually, "Fuck you, goodbye."
Sure, there were people who identified the way he did because of a trauma they experienced and they were just as valid. And sure, Yoongi would have every right to chalk how he felt about sex up to his own trauma and it might even make his sexuality a little easier for others to understand if there was a reason. If that was the reason. But the truth was, he couldn’t fully credit this part of himself to his past. He felt this way about sex way before anyone ever touched him and before he had any negative sexual encounters.
"It's unhealthy to not want sex. Maybe going to therapy or getting your hormones checked would help." It was funny to Yoongi how some of his dates couldn't simply accept the fact that he didn't want to have sex with them and that they needed to mask the insecurity they felt over not being desired in the way they wished they were as genuine concern for his health. Because there must be something wrong with him medically if he wasn't attracted to them, right?
"It's a shame; you're so good looking! Kind of a waste, isn't it?" Objectively speaking, Yoongi was attractive. He knew he was. His friends called him pretty all the time and strangers hit on him often enough to know they were being truthful and not just complimentary in the way friends will sometimes be no matter what. He had soft features that made his face really nice to look at. That’s what Seokjin told him once over a candle lit dinner a few years ago. He'd found him attractive, but Jin never once made him feel like his looks were wasted on him just because Yoongi didn’t want what he did out of a relationship. Yoongi didn’t exist to look pretty and please others. He hated when people made it seem like the only thing that determined his value as a person was the sexual gratification he could offer them. It was demeaning and infuriating. He wasn't a waste just because he wouldn't sleep with someone.
Jaesung was no different than any of Yoongi's previous dates. He asked his questions, pretending just to want to understand better. Yoongi pretended he didn't know the truth - that Jae was reaching for something, anything, that would prove Yoongi wasn't actually asexual so he could cling to the hope of there still being a chance he could eventually talk Yoongi into letting him get in his pants - and tried to be patient. He always hoped that the way he answered these questions now would save some ace in the future from having to deal with ignorance. He could handle all the ridiculous questions after all the practice he’s gotten. No problem.
But then came the line. "You never know. Maybe I could be the one to fix you."
The words were said teasingly, in a light tone. It was probably nothing more than another joke to him, but Yoongi drew in a breath, chest tight. HIs palm was sore. That phrase was always so rattling, no matter how many times he heard it. So triggering. It scraped up residue from his lowest point, reopened a scar on his heart that would never really fade. It pulled him back to a time of his life that he couldn't seem to completely heal from, despite all the therapy it put him through.
"I can fix you." Four words that Yoongi hated a million times more than anything else ever said to him on the topic of his orientation. They were said to him as if he was broken. As if he hadn't already sifted through years of piled up insecurities, self-hatred, and trauma, hadn't already learned to accept and love himself exactly how he was. As if this shouldn't be something he was content with. He should want sex, and the touch of the person who told him this was the oh-so magical cure all for his problem. All he needed was one night with them and he would be begging for more.
It was especially mind-blowing and unsettling for other queer people to suggest conversion or correction of any kind to him, given their own goddamn history.
Yoongi stared daggers at his date, angry now with a rage he wished he could have found in him those years ago. "I don't need to be fixed. There's nothing wrong with me," he seethed. He wouldn't have been able to prevent his bitterness from seeping through his voice if he tried. Though in fairness, he put no effort at all into concealing how he felt about the insinuation.
Jaesung felt the obvious shift in Yoongi's attitude. He started spluttering an apology, because, no, of course not! That wasn't what he meant!
Wasn't it though? Wasn't that exactly what he meant - what they all meant?
They'd been dating for less than a month and only actually went out four times. Yoongi usually liked to tell his partners early enough that they would know exactly what they were getting into by dating him, wouldn't feel like they were being led on, and could decide to back out of the blooming relationship without wasting too much of either of their time or emotional effort. Honesty up front. He believed that was the best policy when it came to something like this. Something that made people decide he wasn't worth the sacrifice.
Relationships, Yoongi learned, were about the end goal for most people. There was no end goal with him. No milestone of intimacy. Some people pretend to value Yoongi as a person and not as an object they can eventually wear down. They say they don't care if he never wants to have sex, but then a few months later, he finds out just how much they actually do care, when the reality of 'never' finally sinks in with them after he turns down their advances a few too many times.
Most of his dates have the decency to not give him false hope for something sturdy and lasting, to drop him the same night they find out. He preferred this, weeding out people who wanted different things than he did. That was the punchline. "I think we just want different things out of this relationship and it's probably best that we part ways." Which was more than fine. Yoongi couldn't blame others for wanting sex, just like he couldn't be blamed for not wanting it. He would always rather someone be upfront with him about their needs, to know it wasn't going to work out than be misled into believing he could build something with them.
The bill was split after dessert. Jaesung was a gentleman and walked Yoongi to his car at least, but at the end of their stroll to the parking lot, he was among the dozens of other people who said this to him. Yoongi agreed. Jaesung took a cab home that night and Yoongi drove himself to his all too empty apartment.
Dating was a difficult thing for Min Yoongi, a sex-repulsed hopeless romantic. He hasn't had a relationship that lasted longer than six months since, well... since before he discovered and confirmed his aversion to sex. Now, he hopped from date to date, hoping to find someone who'd appreciate an emotional connection with him more than they needed the physical aspects of a relationship, someone that would accept him just as he was and choose to love him anyways.
All of Yoongi's friends were in very happy, very loving, very allosexual relationships and while he was beyond happy for them, he was also slightly envious of what they had. Okay, no. Not slightly. He was extremely envious of their relationships. They had someone to come home to at the end of the day, someone who they could cuddle up next to during chilly winter nights, laugh with while reminiscing good memories, cry on the shoulder of after hard days, and just share life with.
They had someone they could fall asleep feeling safe with. They didn't have to deal with the anxiety that came along with inviting someone else into their homes or the dread that set in when they realized that a person they've been seeing once again got the wrong idea when they asked them to spend the night. They didn't have to worry about their clearly stated boundaries being pushed or the panic attacks that came after that.
A cigarette was lit on the balcony to help Yoongi relax. A much worse anxious habit than rubbing his palms, yes, but smoking helped Yoongi relax. Admittedly, he always got pretty worked up after nights like this when he was reminded that others saw him only for what he was missing. When he was reminded of a past relationship with someone who just couldn't accept how damaged he was.
Some things couldn't be fixed. Yoongi was left more damaged than ever.
He smoked like he did most things in life, like a perfectionist and with practiced skill. He'd take long drags, let the smoke roll through his lungs and imagined it was his problems being exhaled instead of burned chemicals and tobacco as he tried hard to make himself forget about them. It was freezing out. Winter was Yoongi's least favorite season, but the smoke looked pretty and carefree as it danced in the cold air.
When he finished two cigarettes down to their filter and deemed himself calm enough to try for some sleep, he headed back into his quiet apartment. Curling up in bed with extra blankets for warmth, he pulled out his phone to send his closest friend a text about how the date went. He figured Hoseok was probably sleeping by now since he usually needed to get up early for work and most likely wouldn't reply until morning. Maybe his partner Taehyung, who was more of a light sleeper, would hear their boyfriend's text notification from where they slept next to Hoseok and reply for him like they sometimes did. Not that Yoongi would wait up for a response either way.
He closed his eyes and thought about how he hasn't felt safe or comfortable falling asleep next to someone in a very long time. The ache of loneliness was heavy and deep. Way too familiar.
During his childhood, Yoongi played a lot with the girl who lived next door. Yeongja had a collection of dolls that they spent most of their time playing house with.
(It didn't make sense to him at six years old why his mother asked him not to ever tell his father which toys he and Yeongja favored. He'd kept it a secret anyway, but it didn't matter in the long run. He came out to his parents at 21 and his mother immediately broke into tears and found ways to make it about herself. What had she done wrong as a parent? "Was it because I let you play with the dolls?" No, he wasn't queer because he played with Barbies as a kid. The idea of that influencing his biromanticism was funny, considering the way Yeongja assigned such heteronormative roles to their dolls.)
"Oppa, you're Ken." Yeongja would hand him the only boy doll in her entire collection every time. "That's Barbie's boyfriend, so they have to do boyfriend girlfriend things," she informed him the first time they played.
"Like what?"
"Like..." She paused to think. "Ken brings Barbie flowers and she'll bake him a cake. They'll wear matching outfits and go out on dates and kiss and say, 'I love you' to each other. And they'll move in together and go to sleep in the same bed."
"Why?"
"I don't know. My mom and dad sleep in the same bed though, so I think that's just what people who are in love do," she reasoned.
"Oh." Yoongi's parent's slept in the same bed, most of the time. Sometimes, his dad fell asleep on the couch after gulping down too many of the sodas Yoongi wasn't allowed to have. He'd never seen his father bring his mother flowers and they didn't kiss or say, 'I love you.' He played dolls Yeongja's way though and he liked the cute, lovingly domestic stories they made up together. He hoped that someday, he could have a relationship like Ken and Barbie did.
[February 7th, 2020]
"I don't think I was made to be in a relationship," Yoongi sighed. He draped himself dramatically over Hoseok's legs and rested his head in Tae's lap where the two sat on the couch, demanding their affection like a cat might when it becomes needy for touch. And he was needy for touch. The sensual sort that made his skin sing instead of crawl. The kind that meant safety and love and didn't lead to anything sexual. God, he missed that so much.
Well, he got glimpses of it when his friends indulged him. Like now.
He gave so much trust to his friends. They were his only source of affection these days and he was only slightly embarrassed to say that he all but begged for them to feed his hunger for tenderness. Taehyung delivered. They ran long, delicate fingers through his hair to soothe him.
"You know that's not true. You're just meeting people who prioritize different aspects of a relationship than you do," Hoseok reasoned, but even if he was right, Yoongi still wanted to have a moment to mope after yet another failure in his dating life.
"It's so discouraging." He probably did sound a little whiny and petulant, but Yoongi couldn't find it in himself to care. When he was younger, he used to bottle up every little thing he was feeling and ended up absolutely crushed under the weight of it all. He learned over time that it was alright to talk about the things you're going through to the people who care about you, that doing so doesn't make him a burden. Especially if those people were always so stubborn about being there for him whenever he needs a little extra love and support. He still struggled with that, but he's gotten just a little better at opening up to his friends and accepting their help. "I can't even remember the last time I had any real hope of finding someone. I'll probably die old, bitter, and alone and leave behind 20 orphaned cats. Who's gonna take care of them all when I'm gone?"
"Obviously, as the godparents of those cats, we will, hyung." Taehyung smiled down at him. They thought he was kidding, but this future seemed a very clear reality to Yoongi with the way things were going now. He could easily picture himself growing old alone while everyone around him hit all of those life milestones you were supposed to hit with a partner. "I know it's discouraging when you keep putting yourself out there and your dates keep disappointing you, but don't give up. You'll find someone who's perfect for you."
The words should have been encouraging to him. They were meant to be encouraging. Yoongi knew that, but a small, resentful part of him wondered how the hell Taehyung would know. How could Taehyung possibly claim to know how hard it was for him to stay optimistic about dating when they stumbled into Hoseok's life at the young age of 19, looking for the very thing that was preventing Yoongi from getting into a serious relationship himself?
Taehyung and Hoseok have been together since college. Their story wasn't originally supposed to be anything but a drunken one night stand meant to relieve some of the stresses of school, but they couldn't stop seeing each other (because apparently the sex between them was just that good, TMI) and are now very much in love. Yoongi, who was friends with Hoseok since they were in grade school and then roommates with him in college, has had both the horrid luck of walking in on them during a few of their affairs and also the absolute pleasure of watching the two fall for each other.
His other friends also got together because of the attraction he lacked. Yoongi met Seokjin on a date, ironically enough. They matched on a queer dating app and while a connection was definitely made between them when they met in person, it wasn't a romantic kind of attachment for either of them, but was instead mutually platonic. Then Taehyung introduced Jungkook to their friend group and there was a certain tension that formed immediately between him and Seokjin that mostly just made Yoongi uncomfortable to be left alone in a room with the two. It started with Jungkook insulting the cheesecake served at Seokjin's café, but then they argued and fought and competed with each other like a pair of rivals about everything, in the exact sort of way that Yoongi read about a thousand times in romance books with an enemies to lovers trope.
Their feelings for each other quickly became obvious to everyone except them. It was a night of steamy sex that finally ended their rivalry, got them to swallow their pride, stop denying their feelings, and start dating. They still bicker now and again, but at least now it's in more of an 'old married couple' way, and less of a 'Should we be hiding the kitchen knives just in case this gets out of hand?' way.
Sex seems to be the driving force behind romance. That was the case for Yoongi's friends. That was the case in his romance books, in movies and songs and ads. That was the case in the overheard conversations of gossiping strangers. For all of Yoongi's dates, and he's had a lot of them, way more than a 26, almost 27 year old probably should have under their belt. It was pathetic really.
There was a weird, but insistent pressure to find someone that became heavier and heavier with each passing year. He wasn’t sure if that pressure was self-inflicted, societal, or imposed on him by his nagging mother, but whatever it was, he was getting older. That was a fact. The dating pool was thinning out and it's not exactly like he had a lot of options to begin with since the main thing people seemed to look for in a relationship was completely off the table with him.
"What if I don't find someone though?" Yoongi was usually pretty confident in himself. He learned to own his sexuality because he knew it didn't take away from his worth, but sometimes self-doubt clawed its way up from where he'd buried it deep within himself and, sometimes, he allowed himself to voice his doubts to the people he trusted. Even if he already knew they wouldn't completely understand. "What if there really isn't anyone out there for me?"
Taehyung brushed the dark, curly mop of bangs out of his eyes, sweeping them across his forehead. "There is, hyung. I'm sure of it. Lots of aces are in happy relationships."
Yoongi hummed noncommittally at their certainty, unconvinced. Just because other asexuals found love, that didn't mean he would too. Love was never guaranteed. He forced himself to focus on the younger's fingers in his hair and the warmth of Hoseok's hand smoothing patterns over his arm instead of the sudden weight in his chest.
Yoongi was about 13 when he noticed that his peers' favorite topic of discussion became sex. He would sit at a lunch table, listening to some of his friends make dirty joke after dirty joke with the kids in the next grade up. They talked about the famous actresses and idols they found hot, which ones they would 'do.' Not only celebrities, but they talked this way about the girls in their classes too.
Yoongi didn't think any of the girls in his class were hot. They were pretty, sure. He could admire them for that. But did he find them hot the same way that these other boys did? Their looks didn't really make him want anything from them so he didn't think so. He wondered if he'd feel differently next year, when he was in a higher grade and more mature like the boys he and his friends sat with at lunch were, as if attraction was some kind of switch that flipped when the universe deemed you ready for it. He didn't know any better then.
He remembered one of his friends finding a magazine in his older brother's car. Yoongi and a few other boys were working on a group project together at this kid's house after school when he brought it up. The other boys of course wanted to see, so he dug it out from where he hid it in his closet. He flipped through its pages, excited to show them all the pictures of practically nude women printed on them, to share this secret with them. The photos obviously thrilled the other boys. Their eyes flitted eagerly between perky breasts pushed together by expensive looking bras and plump asses and long, lean legs and the place between them which was covered by only lacy lingerie. They pointed out the features they liked on each woman to each other. "Her hips are hot, don't you think?" "Aren't her thighs sexy?" "Yeah, but look at her collarbones!"
Yoongi's mistake was that he was too quiet. The others turned to him when they realized he hadn't said anything so far. They waited expectantly for him to react to the photos too, for him to start pointing out the things that he liked about the women so they could compare types as if it was some kind of bonding experience they could share. It was the very first time Yoongi could remember feeling the weight of expectation in a sexual context. He should be liking what he saw like his friends did. He should be excited about getting to see this magazine too.
But... Yoongi didn't particularly like what he saw though. He wasn't excited or interested. He felt nothing. Or, well, not nothing. He was very embarrassed. He felt guilty about looking at these pictures, like he was doing something wrong.
He pretended to look at the curves of the women with the same eagerness as his friends did though, acted as though he found them hot too because he thought it would be even more embarrassing if he didn't fit in with these boys. Grade school was rough. Yoongi would be the butt of many jokes if these boys went and told their other classmates at school the next day that he saw nearly naked women and had no reaction whatsoever.
At this age, he paid extra close attention in health class during the sex ed unit. While the other students whispered and giggled to each other over the things being taught, he listened carefully to the lessons, hoping to learn why he didn't ever feel in on the jokes. The teacher mentioned something about some people blooming a little later than others. "It is a normal thing, to desire sex and have urges. Everyone does at some point in their lives."
Yoongi figured he must just be one of the late bloomers. He’d feel all the same things his peers did eventually. (Eventually. Eventually. Eventually.) Right?
[February 8th, 2020]
"I hired a ballet instructor and he's starting this week at the studio."
After staying up late with Taehyung and Hoseok watching movies, Yoongi decided to just spend the night at their apartment and sleep on their living room couch instead of driving home. He knew Hoseok started work early, but he forgot just how early it was that Hoseok's alarm went off and just how noisy that alarm is. Yoongi wasn't ready to face the day yet, so he pretended to still be asleep by the time that the two came downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. He tried his best to slip back into unconsciousness.
It proved a futile effort though because Hoseok himself wasn't much better than his alarm in terms of volume. His voice only had two settings - Loud and Really Loud. (Was there no sympathy or consideration for the guest trying to sleep in the next room over?) "I said I'd co-teach his class with him so he isn't stranded and fed to the sharks on his first day."
"The sharks being the kids?" Taehyung asked for clarification through a yawn. Their voice was a lot softer (god bless Kim Taehyung), but deep and gravelly after just waking up. Tae was not nearly as much of a morning person as Hoseok was. They were still in their pajamas, shoulder-length hair messy and sticking up the way Yoongi's probably was too. But at least they were vertical, which was more than Yoongi could say for himself.
It was Saturday, which unfortunately meant nothing when it came to Hoseok's work schedule, but Yoongi wanted to sleep in a little. Sue him for liking lazy weekends. It didn't help that Hoseok and Taehyung owned this magical weighted blanket that he never wanted to unwrap himself from. He had no desire to be anything other than a warm, toasty burrito again.
When he pried his eyes open, Yoongi could see Taehyung standing at the counter, steeping tea for themself and brewing coffee for Hoseok (they'd probably be kind enough to make some for Yoongi too once he eventually decided to get his sluggish ass up). Hoseok was seated at the kitchen table, scarfing down the food Tae put in front of him. "Of course. I love them, but they can be overwhelming at times. Especially to fresh meat who doesn't quite know what the hell he'll be walking into yet."
Yoongi had already accompanied Hoseok to the studio a few times to observe a class and witnessed the chaos of the shark students first hand. He felt sorry for the new ballet instructor. Hopefully, he possesses lots of patience and knows just how to wear out children that produce energy twice as fast as they're able to release it.
Hoseok got up to place his dishes in the sink and pulled Taehuyng into his arms, who instinctively wrapped theirs around his waist to bring him closer. Yoongi smiled. He counted himself lucky to witness things like this, just his friends existing in sweet, domestic moments together. It was like something detailed in the slice of life fanfic he read as a teen. "I'll be home around 12. Tell hyung when he wakes up that I'm sorry I made such a racket this morning." He leaned in for a kiss that Taehyung happily returned. "I love you."
"Love you too." Taehyung squeezed him a little tighter before letting go, reaching for the travel mug of coffee they prepared for Hoseok and handing it to him. "Get going. You'll be late."
Hoseok's eyes widened when he saw the time displayed on the microwave and placed another peck to Tae's nose - one more reminder that they were precious to him - before rushing out the door. Yeah, little things like that warmed Yoongi's heart. These little things also made it ache. He wanted this. So badly.
There was an almost instant peace that settled over the apartment after Hoseok left, a quiet broken only by the radio Taehyung turned on for background noise as they drank their tea (they were never one for complete silence, which was why Hoseok was the perfect person for them). It was softly playing music; Tae set it on an old jazz station. They opened their laptop and were typing away on it while they sipped their tea, the small click clacks of their keyboard adding itself like satisfying white noise.
Yoongi almost succeeded at tricking himself into falling back asleep, but then he heard Taehyung curse and slam their laptop shut again. "He left his wallet and phone on the counter. He'd lose his fucking head if it wasn't attached," they muttered, their voice split with both the annoyance that came from being inconvenienced so early in the morning and a certain fondness for their lover. "Oppa?" they called. Today they must have been feeling more feminine than they usually do so Yoongi made the mental note to not call Tae by their full name. "I know you're awake. Come with me to drop his shit off?"
So much for having a lazy morning.
It was worth the sacrifice of leaving the weighted burrito wrap though. When he spotted them through the large front window of Hope World Dance Studio, Hoseok slipped out of his class for a moment to meet them outside. He thanked Tae fro bringing him his forgotten belongings with a million more tiny kisses to their cheeks and Yoongi with a hug, and then he had to return back to the class. Hoseok was grateful to them for making the trip and honestly, he had enough on his plate as it was with running his studio so anything Yoongi could do to make his life a little easier felt nice.
He took a look at the class through the windows. Roughly twenty young students were doing their pre-class warm ups, jumping and cartwheeling and somersaulting around. At the front of the room was a small man with pink hair. Four of the children crowded around him, pulled on his shirt to get his attention, and he knelt down to hear what they were saying to him. Yoongi knew from experience that they probably wanted to show him a move they were proud of - they were always eager to show off. And sure enough, they began twirling around together. The man clapped and beamed. He seemed sweet. His pretty smile morphed into one full of relief when Hoseok entered the room again. He must be very nervous about his first day.
"Oppa?" Tae repeated themself and Yoongi snapped his attention back to his friend. "I asked if you were ready to go back?"
At 15, Yoongi still didn't feel attracted to girls the way the other boys in his class were, which was a little frustrating. Just how late could a late bloomer be? He wanted to relate to his peers, to know what they were talking about and get it. When would he?
His previous friends started dating and had less time for him so he instead spent a lot of time hanging out with his new neighbor, Jung Hoseok, whose family moved into Yeongja's old home.
Hoseok was a year his junior. He was bright, wonderful, and charming. He quickly became Yoongi's best friend. He treated Yoongi like there was no one on Earth he would rather spend his time with and looked up to him like he was the older brother he didn't have, but badly wanted. Unlike the boys Yoongi used to hang out with, Hoseok was trustworthy and loyal. He didn't have to walk on eggshells around Hoseok. He didn't have to chameleon himself because he thought there was a chance that the younger might spread rumors about him at school just to gain a little popularity. If Yoongi seemed to be anything less than "normal," Hoseok never treated him any differently for it. He knew he could tell Hoseok anything and never receive judgement.
Okay. Almost anything.
Yoongi didn't tell Hoseok that he began to notice things like his heart racing when he did so much as touch him, the warmth in his chest when he smiled that wide, sunshiny smile of his, or the butterflies in his stomach when he laughed.
(These were things he would never confess to Hoseok, but he would always be curious about what would have changed between them if he'd mustered up the courage to tell the other boy about his feelings when they were younger. Would that have ruined their friendship? Would Hoseok have given him a chance, but ultimately ended up being just another ex on Yoongi's long list of failed attempted relationships? Would they have parted as friends? Would they still be together? What ifs wouldn't matter obviously. Hoseok would find Taehyung and Yoongi would be incredibly happy for them. He'd get over the silly romantic feelings he harbored for his childhood best friend.)
"Hyung, imagine if you dated Jiwoo noona, fell in love, and got married someday. We'd really be brothers then. Wouldn't that be awesome?" It was only a hypothetical, a funny idea Hoseok brought up once. The harmless musing of a boy who wished for a cool brother and who thought highly enough about Yoongi that he would hand off his sister to him just like that.
"Super awesome," Yoongi said with a gummy smile on his face, but inside, his heart dropped to his stomach and nerves swirled. He rubbed his palm.
Hoseok's sister was three years older than Yoongi and one of the most popular girls in school. She was obviously way out of his league, but that wasn't even the thing that deterred him from taking Hoseok's ideas too seriously.
Jiwoo shared many of her brother's features and looked really similar to him, only softer and more feminine. She was beautiful, just as radiant as her younger sibling, and was everything the other boys at school drooled over with her pretty figure. If Yoongi was going to crush on anyone, why couldn't it have been her? Why was he struggling for breath around her brother, but could barely spare her a second thought?
No, Yoongi didn't outright tell Hoseok that he was questioning his sexuality. (Poor Hoseok would accidentally discover that later.)
In the privacy of his locked bedroom, he found himself typing 'how to know if you're gay' into the search engine of his computer.
The results he got were unhelpful. Things like, 'Notice who sexually arouses you.' Sure, Yoongi got hard sometimes (puberty was a bitch asexuality couldn't save him from), but he couldn't think of a time when another person had ever been the source of his arousal. He never thought anything sexual about Jiwoo. He certainly never thought anything sexual about Hoseok.
'Examine your sexual fantasies to help identify your preferences.' When he did have to take care of himself, Yoongi mostly handled it with a lot of shame and antipathy. He realized he didn't visualize any sexual fantasies because he was too focused on trying to get it over with as quickly as possible. Was that normal?
It was late at night when he was certain that both of his parents and his brother were asleep that Yoongi looked up porn. Watching the man and woman on the screen did nothing for him but make him uncomfortable. He tried to put himself in the man's place, tried to imagine it was him sinking into the woman, that it was him causing her to shake with pleasure and him making her whine. He felt more uncomfortable than he'd been just watching it. Still, he went so far as to reach into his pajama pants to try stroking himself at the same pace that the man in the video set. Everything about this felt wrong to him. The bubbling in his stomach felt less like arousal and more like the anxiety he got while having to give a presentation at school so he stopped.
Hesitantly, he searched for gay porn instead and clicked on the first video that came up. Imagining himself in the place of either of those men felt no better to him, but also no worse. He wasn't any less confused than he was when he started. He cleared his browser history.
At 16, Yoongi browsed an online sex shop. He found a cheap, small beginner’s dildo that didn’t look anywhere near as intimidating as some of the other toys on the website and added it, along with some lube, to his cart. He lied when the website prompted him to confirm he was over 18 before allowing him to order. When he got to the check out screen, he used his mother’s credit card, which he had borrowed to “buy a few books,” as a payment method. He was really depending on the store’s promised discretion and the fact that his mother rarely paid close attention to the credit card statements unless there was a large discrepancy to avoid getting caught.
Over the following two weeks, Yoongi rushed to be the first in his family to get the mail. When the nondescript package he knew had to be for him finally came, he snuck it up to his room and hid it until he could get a chance to open it.
A chance came. When he next had the house to himself, he opened the box with shaky hands and was left holding a toy that seemed a lot bigger than it had looked in the product photo online. It wasn’t, but Yoongi was second guessing himself. Could he do this? More importantly, would he like it? He needed to find out.
So nerves aside, Yoongi stretched himself with generous amounts of lube like he read about in a web article called So You Want to Try Anal Sex and tested the toy out. He tried easing himself into it and taking his time to figure out what felt good to him. Physically, his body responded to the stimulation, the way it usually did when he touched himself. His brain was not on the same page as his dick though, the way it usually wasn't. It's difficult to really enjoy something when your mind tries to convince the rest of you that you actually feel awful about what's happening.
He gave up, ended up cleaning the toy and stuffing it in a shoebox under his bed where he wouldn't touch it (or hopefully ever have to think about it) again.
Maybe he'd be more into it all if he were actually in the situations he was trying to simulate.
[March 9th, 2020]
Happy birthday, Yoongi! 27, wow! Are you seeing anyone seriously yet? XOXO, Mom.
It was the same sort of text every year. Yoongi ignored her message, not bothering to mention the girl he'd been on two dates with because he knew his mother would turn it into a whole biphobic thing and he wasn't in the mood for that, so he replied to his friends' instead and made plans to hang out with them later.
[March 21st, 2020]
"How'd it go telling Eunah last night?" Hoseok asked while Seokjin was too busy with another table to be nosy. Like he wouldn't inevitably find out how the date went later from Jungkook, who would find out from Taehyung, who would no doubt find out from Hoseok. This was how things went in their little friend group. Not that Yoongi really cared if they knew.
He shrugged, sipped at his coffee while it was still hot like he so often failed to do. "She said she was fine with it."
"But...?" Yeah, Jung Hoseok was too good at reading him.
"I’m not sure that she actually is fine with it." Yoongi of course never expected anyone to be thrilled that he was ace and didn't want sex involved in his relationships, but the girl he'd started seeing went really quiet when he told her. She was hesitant to say that she didn't care and looked unsure, even when he asked a second time if she was certain that she wanted to keep seeing him. So he asked a third time, just to give her another opportunity to back out if she wanted to. She didn't. "She seemed disappointed and unsure, but maybe I just took her off guard."
“She’s definitely not fine with it if that was her reaction.” Yoongi jumped at the sound of Seokjin's voice. One second, he’d been taking an order and the next, he was inserting himself into the conversation, pulling out a chair at their table, and plopping down. It was like drama summoned him.
Jin was probably right though. Yoongi didn’t have a feeling this would last long. He hoped it would though and maybe that was why he hadn’t called it off himself. “If she didn’t want to try, she would have said so though, right? Maybe I was just not reading her reaction right. You know I tend to be cynical on dates.”
“And you have good reason to be,” Seokjin justified.
“Did she ask a bunch of questions when you told her like the last guy did?” Hoseok asked.
Yoongi shook his head. “She didn’t ask any.” He told her he was asexual and said he didn’t want to have sex. Eunah nodded and got quiet as she took it in. That was all. “She seemed to know what asexuality was when I came out. That’s a good sign at least, right?”
Hoseok shrugged. “Could be. Or she might not have a good understanding of what it is at all and in that case, it could be a sign that she really didn’t care to learn, is going to make assumptions, and hold onto misconceptions about you.”
Huh. Fingers crossed for the former being true and not the latter. “I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt.”
“I’m kinda surprised, Mr. Cynical.” Jin nudged him with his elbow.
“What? I like her! The other dates went pretty well,” Yoongi said defensively. He thought he and Eunah clicked well the first two times they went out. She enjoyed a lot of the same things he did and they spent hours talking about their interests. It made him think that they would have plenty of commonalities and shared hobbies to bond over, which would be great in a relationship. If a relationship came of it.
As cynical as he needed to be, Yoongi was equal parts hopeful with every romantic endeavor. He went into each date wanting it to work out. Eunah hadn’t asked him any ignorant, offensive questions like many of his other dates did and she was willing to see him again even after finding out he was ace. He would take those as wins. With any luck, she wasn’t one of those people who said she was alright with his asexuality, let him get emotionally attached, and then decided later she wasn’t. Then again, when exactly did he get lucky when it came to love?
[April 4th, 2020]
"I swear to God, Jeon Jung-fucking-kook, you insufferable brat!" Jungkook paused the video game he and Yoongi were playing (some racing game that Yoongi was horrible at, but Jungkook was excited to show him so there he was, dragging along while the younger did laps around his car) in order to better hear the rest of Seokjin's upcoming empty threat. "If you leave one more pen in your pocket, I'll stir a cartridge of printer ink into your coffee and you'll die a slow, painful, ink poisoned death!" He stormed into the living room holding up one of his nice pastel shirts, now decorated with black stains. "You ruined another load of laundry!"
Jungkook studied the shirt for a moment before nodding like it was a piece of art hanging in a museum and not a spoiled shirt strangled in Seokjin's death grip. "I actually kinda like it. It's like a Rorschach test. Yoongi hyung, quick! What do you see?"
"It... sort of looks like Italy," he considered appreciatively.
"I was gonna say that I saw a cowboy boot." Jungkook tapped his knee excitedly. "What does that mean? Look it up, look it up!"
Yoongi pulled out his phone and typed 'Cowboys are symbols of what?' into Google. "Says cowboys represent an independent, self-reliant spirit because they live what they believe and don't try to conform to anyone's mold."
"Ooh, that is so me."
Yoongi resisted mentioning that Jungkook had never been completely independent or self-reliant in his life. He left his parent's house to move into a college dorm where he had a roommate to irritate the fuck out of, and then left his shared dorm to move in with a man that he also irritated the fuck out of who was five years older than him and already had his life together. Jungkook did, however, live what he believed in and, whether it was a good thing or not, he didn't make any effort to conform to societal molds. "It so is."
Seokjin looked between them like they were the dumbest two people he'd ever met. "How is this helpful? It's next to impossible to get stains like this out and this was my favorite shirt! You owe me big time, Kook-ah."
At this, Jungkook had the decency to look a bit guilty. "I'm sorry for ruining your shirt, hyung. I'll make it up to you," he promised, bottom lip pouted and doe eyes blown wide to look as cute and forgivable as possible. He had that going for him. Everyone had a soft spot for Jungkook. He got away with a lot of shit.
Seokjin sighed. "Damn right you will." He leaned down to flick Jungkook's forehead, but then placed a kiss to the same spot. "Later, with your tongue," he said, like it was the most casual thing in the world (maybe it was, Yoongi didn't care), before letting the ruined shirt drop to the floor and gesturing for Jungkook to scoot over and make room for him on the couch too.
"Right in front of our token ace? Shameless," Jungkook hissed, glancing over at Yoongi, who was still trying to find out what seeing Italy in ink blots meant. He kept getting websites about either the Rorschach test or tourism in Italy, which wasn't what he wanted.
He didn't bother looking up from his screen, clicking on another link that took him to an online store where he could buy a book called Queer Ink: A Blotted History Towards Liberation (Gender and Sexualities in Psychology) which 'contextualizes the Rorschach test and embeds it within feminist action and queer liberation.' Again, not really what he was looking for, but he added it to his cart because it sounded like an interesting read.
"What? Yoongi-yah knows we fuck like rabbits," Seokjin stated bluntly. And he was right; Yoongi did know. Everyone in their friend group knew everything about each other. There was rarely such a thing as a secret, for better or worse.
"Mhm. I'm not a child, so please don't treat me like one you have to tip-toe around," he agreed kindly. He knew Jungkook was only trying to be funny, but asexual people being infantilized was a rather ordinary occurrence. He didn't need people to censor themselves around him or cover his ears when they were about to say grown up things like he was five.
Contrary to popular belief, just because he didn't care for sex when it came to him, that didn't mean he necessarily minded other people talking about it (even if he did feel a little out of place). He wasn't too prude or innocent for the subject to be brought up in his presence either. Hell, Yoongi was anything but prude and innocent. He lost innocence a decade ago trying to figure himself out and force himself to be normal, then had whatever was left of it stripped from him when someone else didn't want to figure him out and tried to force him to be normal.
Jungkook looked embarrassed to have made the mistake he did. "Sorry, hyung. I know you're not a child. I meant it to be a joke."
Yoongi gave up his internet search and ruffled the younger's long, fluffy hair. "Don't worry, Kook-ah. I know you did." He picked his controller back up and nodded towards the game they'd abandoned to take the heat off of Jungkook's error. "You gonna finish kicking my ass now or what?"
Seokjin grabbed another controller that was lying around and whacked Jungkook in the shoulder with it. "Add me into the game too, babe. I need to school you both."
"As if you could school a pro, old man."
[May 18th, 2020]
Yoongi was tasked with the job of showing the new guy around at work, even though he currently had more on his plate than the other producers did.
He didn't mind. He could let his work pile up a little. It only meant longer nights in the studio focusing on music instead of going home to an empty apartment thinking about his latest sucky attempt at a relationship. As it turns out, Eunah wasn't one of the merciful ones that was upfront about wanting different things than Yoongi did on the night that he came out to her. They saw each other for a little under two months before she started smelling like other men's cologne and freaked out when Yoongi mistakingly grabbed her phone instead of his own to check the time. He wasn't stupid.
"Is it really cheating if you don't want to sleep with me? I mean, I have needs and if you don't want to have sex, then of course I'm going to find someone who does." That's how she defended herself when he confronted her about his suspicions. "You had to have expected this."
The kicker was that Yoongi wouldn't have cared at all who she wanted to sleep with if she'd just talked to him beforehand about wanting an open relationship to fulfill her sexual needs, but he hated dishonesty and needed trust and good communication in a relationship. If he didn't have those things with a partner, he had nothing. That was what he'd ended it over, not the fact that she was seeing other men.
The new guy was tall - Yoongi had to look up when he spoke to him, - and he was built like he spent more time at the gym than anywhere else. He was handsome in a very manly way, with sharp, but warm eyes and thick lips that curled into a dimpled smile whenever Yoongi said something funny. Yoongi may or may not have told him humorous anecdotes about everyone he introduced him to in their department just to see it more.
"This is going to be your studio, Namjoon-ssi." Yoongi opened the door for him and the man looked around the space as if he were envisioning everything he would create there. "And this one," he pointed across the hall to Genius Lab after giving Namjoon the moment he seemed to want, "is mine. If you ever need anything, ignore the doormat. Feel free to knock."
Yoongi was 17 when he had his first kiss and when he got his first boyfriend. Choi Jihun was a lot of his firsts.
Both of them were closeted so they kept their relationship a secret. Yoongi's extremely religious parents wouldn't approve of it if they knew (and who knows how his father would punish him for his sins while he still lived under their roof). They were together for a few months. Yoongi fell in love for the first time.
With Jihun, he discovered that he really enjoyed the closeness of being with somebody. He liked holding hands, cuddling, and kissing. Something about those kisses getting heated and leading to more put him on edge though. Roaming hands made him itchy and anxious. He tried to ignore the feeling because he shouldn't have any apprehensions about his boyfriend touching him. Yoongi loved him and he knew that Jihun loved him too. He trusted that Jihun would treat him well. And really, he wanted to be exactly what Jihun wanted, wanted to be a good boyfriend who deserved love, wanted to give him the more he craved.
Yoongi thought that he would like sex when he actually had it. He was wrong. He lost his virginity to Jihun, forcing himself to go through with it because he wanted so badly to feel normal, even though it was messy and revolting. Even though his mind screamed at him the entire time and his skin crawled everywhere that Jihun's hands were. Even though his stomach was in knots and he felt like crying or vomiting or both. Even though he couldn't make himself relax enough for it to not hurt. The experience was terrible and he left it completely appalled with himself.
What was wrong with him? Why wasn't he like every other teenager who was out having sex? They were enjoying themselves. Why couldn't he? Intimacy with someone he loves shouldn't repulse him to his very core like this. He shouldn't be uncomfortable in his own skin even days later. He shouldn't be unable to sleep thinking about how much he regretted it. He shouldn't feel this empty and out of touch with himself.
Maybe he wasn't gay after all. This doubt snuck up on him even though, up until this point, he'd been so sure about how he felt towards his boyfriend and was so positive that he loved him. A straight guy wouldn't be able to fall for another guy this hard, would they? A straight guy wouldn't enjoy kissing or want to be held by another guy. Right?
He couldn't get what happened out of his head though. While he knew he still loved Jihun, every time Yoongi thought of him, he felt disappointed and sick with himself all over again. Truthfully, he didn't know if it was because he was remembering the sex or if it was because a part of him thought maybe he'd been leading Jihun on this whole time, lying to them both and acting gay when he wasn't really. Either way, he wasn't sure how long he could still be with Jihun like this, with this much guilt building up in his tight chest. He put on a smile when he next saw him anyways and pretended everything was fine because how shitty a person do you have to be to break up with your boyfriend right after he shows you how much he loves you?
Yoongi's brother was older than him by four years. When he moved out and started living on his own, their parents decided a change would be good for them too. They would be moving to a smaller, less empty feeling place. Hoseok came over to help Yoongi pack and decide what he wanted to take with him and what he wanted to get rid of.
They'd gone through half of his bedroom before Hoseok found the shoe box he'd forgotten about. "Hyung, what's this?" Yoongi recognized it immediately. He could have burned on the spot as Hoseok held out the open box and stared down at the toy inside. "I mean, no," Hoseok backtracked, flustered. "I know what it is. Do you, uhm... Are you-?"
"I'm not gay," Yoongi answered the unasked question maybe a little too quickly, praying the floor would swallow him whole. The universe unfortunately was not that merciful and he stayed kneeled on solid floorboards in front of his equally uncomfortable friend. He sighed and corrected himself. "Not that I have a problem with- I just, I don't think I am."
Hoseok raised an eyebrow, obviously confused about why the older boy would own such a thing if he wasn't. "Then...?"
This is Hoseok, Yoongi reminded himself. "I tried because I thought maybe..." Hoseok doesn't judge. You can tell him. "I don't know. I think there might be something wrong with me."
"Why would you think that? So you tried it and it wasn't your thing." Hoseok shrugged and laughed light heartedly like he was trying very hard to make it seem like it wasn't that big a deal. Except it was a big deal to Yoongi. He felt the urge to tell Hoseok about Jihun and what happened, but found that the words wouldn't come. "Last time I checked, there's nothing wrong with being straight."
Yoongi's shoulders sagged because that was exactly the problem. "I'm not straight either, Hobi. I'm not- I don't feel anything like that for any gender." And it was in a smaller voice that he'd admitted to his best friend, "I feel like I'm broken." Finally telling someone something that he'd kept secret for a few years felt a little freeing, like less of a weight on his chest. Someone else finally knew The Thing he was so ashamed of and it was as if a plug was pulled from a drain. All kinds of emotions that he'd shoved down in an attempt to ignore were finally released.
"Oh." Hoseok frowned at how Yoongi bursted into tears after his confession. He put the box he held down and opted instead for wrapping his arms around the older. "Oh, hyung, no. You're not broken." He rubbed his back patiently as he cried, somehow seeming a lot more mature at 16 than Yoongi felt in that moment. Hoseok let him rest his head on his shoulder even though tears dampened his shirt before saying something that would be a foundation which Yoongi could use to build a sturdier understanding of himself on top of. "I read about this thing online once. It's called asexuality and it's where a person, like, lacks sexual attraction? Something along those lines. Have you heard of it?"
After sorting through the rest of Yoongi's room, he and Hoseok ended up doing a lot of research together that night on asexuality. They found blogs written by asexuals about their experiences and Yoongi realized that he related to these articles more than he has ever related to anything else. He was relieved. There were people like him who struggled with their sexuality because they didn't seem to have one. He felt like he wasn't completely alone in a world that was so driven by sex. Others understood him. He was getting answers.
Asexuality, he learned, didn't actually define how a person felt about sex itself. Some asexuals were indifferent to it, some even liked it. He didn't fit in those categories. He stuck to reading articles written by sex-repulsed asexuals. Their experiences were most similar to his.
Asexuality also didn't define how a person felt about being in relationships. Some people who fell under the ace umbrella didn't want to be in a relationship. Some did. Some wanted everything a relationship could offer them, minus the sex. Just like Yoongi. He read about the split attraction model, learned why his feelings for Jihun were so strong, but why sex with him wasn't enjoyable in the least. He was still queer and wasn't faking how he felt for his boyfriend. Being asexual didn't undermine his very real romantic attraction.
He was learning a lot about himself. Of course, there would be many more nights that he'd stay up researching asexuality on his own, looking for answers to all the questions he didn't realize he even had, but for now he had direction. He had a title that could explain why he was the way he was and a supportive best friend who didn't think there was anything wrong with him. That was a good start.
[June 7th, 2020]
"But you're a man. Men love sex."
"I don't." Yoongi explained his orientation once more, in a slightly different way that maybe the ignorant woman sitting across from him had a better chance of understanding.
But his words apparently did nothing to get the concept of asexuality through to her because she insisted, "That doesn't exist."
Yoongi narrowed his eyes at her, having already decided that he wouldn't be seeing her for a second date. He couldn't be bothered to educate people who weren't willing to learn and he certainly wasn't going to waste his time on them. "I exist."
He went home that night, smoked, and then curled up with a romance novel where the main character would get his happy ending and settle down with the love of his life. He wished the author of his life would hurry up already and get to the part where his happy ever after was at least within his line of sight. Where was his tangible happiness?
[June 13th, 2020]
This wasn't Yoongi's idea of a good time. The queer club, Glamor, was loud and crowded. It served as an awful distraction from his problems. There were couples everywhere, grinding on each other on the dance floor, sucking each other's faces off in booths, getting it on in the bathroom. (Yoongi decided he could hold in his piss for a few hours if it meant avoiding the stomach churning sounds coming from the handicapped stall.) This change of scenery wasn't helping to cheer him up like Hoseok and Taehyung suggested it might. If anything, he felt worse than before.
He resigned himself to sitting at the bar, staring into his drink and contemplating life until Hoseok eventually came to pick him up at their predetermined time. He refused to come earlier unless it was an emergency. Yoongi already asked and Hoseok sent a text back saying that he probably just hasn't had enough alcohol yet if he was still this miserable.
Fair. He'd come there with every intention of getting wasted and forgetting himself for a while, but for whatever reason, now that he was actually here sitting at the club's bar, he wasn't particularly in the mood to drink. He forced himself to bring his glass to his lips anyway.
The music in the club was loud, way too loud for his liking, but the man next to him was either speaking loudly enough over it or was close enough when he ordered a drink that Yoongi heard him clearly. “Another peach martini, Wheein! Thanks!”
When he looked up at the stranger, Yoongi's first thought was that a peach martini suited him perfectly. His cheeks were full and rosy (Yoongi assumed that this was not his first drink of the evening either). His hair was dyed a pretty shade of pink, which was most likely what inspired the matching eyeshadow blended on the lids of soft, round eyes and lip gloss slightly smeared over plump lips. There was something so elegant about how he swayed with the music while he waited for his drink to be made, hips moving freely and effortlessly in time to some stupid EDM song that was blaring through the ceiling speakers. The movement was seemingly subconscious, but was so natural looking and was definitely enough to make a statement.
Yoongi's next thought was that he'd never seen someone so beautiful.
Or maybe he had? Something about this guy seemed familiar... Yoongi couldn't place where exactly he'd seen him before though.
The man must have felt Yoongi's eyes on him because he stopped dancing and smirked, then threw a flirty wink at him for good measure. Yoongi blushed at having been caught staring and looked back down at his drink, but by then it was much too late.
"Like what you see?" The man's voice was suddenly nearer than before, his breath on Yoongi's ear, and he snapped his head up to see that lovely face up close, very close.
"Y-you're, uhm... yes! I like how you're dancing," Yoongi managed to stutter out despite how much the stranger managed to fluster him. He smelled of lotus perfume, alcohol, and smoke and Yoongi might actually kill for a cigarette right about now. "You have a good sense of rhythm," he added, trying to compose and redeem himself, but he immediately cringed as the words left his mouth because he somehow made it worse. God, could he have picked a worse compliment? It sounded like he was making gross implications about this poor stranger. If someone said that to him, he'd be entirely creeped out.
"Thanks." The other man didn't seem to give the compliment a second thought because he giggled. It was a pleasant sound and Yoongi wished the music and people around them weren't so damn noisy so he could hear it a little better. "I dance for a living so I would hope I do." Oh, yes. Hoseok's new ballet teacher. That was where Yoongi recognized him from. He saw him through the window of Hope World on his first day. "This seat taken?" He pointed to the unoccupied one next to Yoongi.
He shook his head and the man took it as an invitation.
The dancer made himself comfortable on the stool with crossed legs and arms folded over the counter. The bartender, the man called her Wheein, slid his peach martini to him and he sipped at it with the grace of someone who was attending a dinner party with the more elite members of society rather than drinking with some lost cause at a club, holding the stem of the glass with a loose wrist and extended pinky like it was second nature.
"I'm cutting you off after this, Jimin. Oppa won't be happy if you're wasted tonight," she chided and received an eye roll.
Jimin shifted his attention back to Yoongi once the bartender was flagged down by another club patron. "Was that the only reason you were checking me out just then? You liked how I was dancing?"
Yoongi didn't meet his knowing eyes. "Yes." It was a lie and the man knew it so he backtracked and told the truth. "Well, okay. No. I just thought you were pretty."
The other hummed appreciatively at the compliment, swished his drink in his glass before downing the rest of it in a way that wasn't nearly as graceful as anything else that Yoongi had seen him do up until this point. "Wanna dance with me then?"
Yoongi glanced back over at the other people who were dancing on the floor, how they moved against each other. It was difficult to determine where one person ended and the next started in the blurry mass because that was just how closely they were all pressed together. Packed like sardines. Pressing together, grinding, and dancing - for either the suggestive nature of it or for actual stimulation, Yoongi wasn't sure. He didn't really want to find out. "I'm not one for dancing." He smiled, declining Jimin's offer as politely as possible, though it wasn't really dancing that he had a problem with.
Jimin frowned, but the brief disappointment was gone from his face just as soon as it was displayed and he replaced it with a cheeky smile. "Then we can stay here and chat." He held out a dainty hand for Yoongi to shake. "Jimin," he introduced himself officially and Yoongi did the same. "I haven't seen you here before. Do you come clubbing often?" Somehow, Yoongi could tell this wasn't a line. Jimin was actually curious. "This doesn't seem to be your scene."
Was it that obvious that Yoongi didn't belong here? "It's not. I hate this," he admitted. He wasn't one for crowds or the nightlife culture. He did like alcohol though.
Jimin, on the other hand, looked like this club could have been his second home. He was dressed for a night out in a tight skirt and tiny, cropped shirt, which was short enough to hint at a rib cage tattoo, with his hair and makeup done perfectly. Yoongi knew from years of watching Taehyung learn to do makeup that it took a lot of practice to get it to look that effortless. He seemed so at ease in the club too, like drinking and striking up conversation with strangers, like inviting them to dance and plopping down next to them to share a drink was the easiest thing in the world to do.
"Why are you here then?" Jimin signaled to the bartender for another drink when she made eye contact with him and then pointed to Yoongi, even though Yoongi had yet to finish the one he was on. She shot Jimin a dirty, knowing look, but complied with his request anyway.
"Friends thought a night out would make me forget about my relationship issues and," he raised his still mostly full drink and gave it a little shake so the ice cubes in it would clink together. They were nearly melted by now. "Whiskey."
"May I?" Jimin asked, making sure Wheein was too busy making a new vanilla whiskey on the rocks to see him swipe the glass from Yoongi's hand and drink what was left like it was nothing, not even waiting for permission. More serious people might say that shooting whiskey is sacrilegious, but you could color Yoongi impressed. "Now spill. Relationship issues?"
He shrugged, focusing on the rim of the now empty glass in front of him. The print of Jimin's bottom lip was marked on it with lipgloss. It was replaced by a fresh drink. "None of them last very long."
"Why?" Perhaps it was the alcohol making the man nosy. Perhaps he just liked hearing about other people's drama, collecting stories of the sad people he encountered at clubs and bars like coins he could later throw into a well and wish for their happiness with. Or maybe he just wanted to hear something pathetic he could laugh with his friends about later. Yoongi realized he didn't even care if he became the butt of some gorgeous stranger's joke.
Because in any case, he did want to talk about his problems to someone who wasn't going to tell him what he wanted to hear just because they were his friend and wanted to cheer him up. You'll find someone eventually. "Honestly?" Jimin nodded, encouraging him to be truthful, seemed more than willing to listen, whatever his reason for showing interest might be. "I’m not attracted to anyone and I hate sex. It's... an unpleasant experience for me." Usual understatement. "I don't want anything to do with it, but not many people want to give it up to be with me."
Understanding flashed across Jimin's soft, round features and he gasped. "You're ace?"
Yoongi was surprised, to say the least, at being identified and given an accurate label. That Jimin knew the term. Not many people have heard of asexuality before, much less recognized it as a valid identity. "Yeah, I am."
"That's exciting!" Jimin lit up, eyes turning into curved moons (pretty, pretty, pretty) and Yoongi was thoroughly confused. Was it? He didn't know what was exciting about his sexuality, especially when it was the thing driving away all of his potential partners. He'd never gotten this kind of a reaction from someone he came out to before and his baffled expression must have been enough for Jimin to realize what he'd said because he added, "Sorry, it's just that my boyfriend is ace too! He's never met anyone else with an aspec identity out in the wild though and I think he's always felt a little removed from everyone because of it, you know?"
Yoongi absolutely did know. He felt the same way. He had friends that did their very best to understand him, but at the end of the day, they didn't really. It was nice to hear about someone else who shared a similar experience with him, even if it was only secondhand through Jimin.
"So you're allosexual...?" Yoongi let himself pry into their relationship a little because Jimin got nosy with him first and he had to know. In what world does an allo get excited that their partner is ace and doesn't think it's something that holds them back? That had never been Yoongi's experience.
"Very much so," Jimin laughed and Yoongi once again thought that was one of the most wonderful sounds he's ever heard. He reprimanded himself because now he knew Jimin already had a partner (how dare his heart have the audacity to skip a beat like that with this knowledge?) and that he'd probably been misreading the flirty signals Jimin was putting out this whole time. Embarrassing, but he did tend to jump to conclusions instead of just assuming that everyone was being genuinely friendly. He stayed skeptical like that. "But I'm not with him for sex. I love him." Jimin went on about his boyfriend to Yoongi in a way that, after a while, had Yoongi believing he knew him too despite never having met him.
It was hard not to fall slightly in love with the person Jimin described. Perhaps that was because Jimin spoke about him with a sparkle in his eyes, a deeper blush on his already alcohol flushed cheeks, and fondness laced deeply into his slurring voice. Maybe it was because he made his boyfriend sound like he was hand crafted to perfection in every way by god themself. Or maybe it was because Yoongi always did fall in love just a little too easily, even though he went through the great effort to guard his heart closely.
It must have been nice, he thought, to have someone love you so much that they don't care if you can't offer them sex. That they don't mind making sacrifices for you. That they saw you for everything else that you were and thought you were something wonderful and worthy and whole.
When Hoseok came to pick him up later that night, Yoongi was actually disappointed that he had to leave. Jimin greeted Hoseok with legato drunk words and placed a kiss on Yoongi's cheek, one that might have seemed flirty to any spectators, but Yoongi now knew was meant platonically after the conversation they just had which left them feeling like they'd been friends for years. Jimin promised he'd see him around and stumbled a little as he stood to make his way back to the dance floor.
Yoongi found himself thinking about the beautiful pink haired boy and the contagious love he had for his asexual boyfriend for the rest of the night. Maybe he had a chance after all.
[July 4th, 2020]
Yoongi asked Hoseok if he could observe Saturday's ballet classes under the guise of needing inspiration for some music he was working on. It was a reasonable enough excuse because he did occasionally sit in on Hoseok's classes just for a change of scenery because he went a little stir-crazy working in his silent apartment, but the younger man wasn't fooled. "I saw you talking to Jimin at the club that night, remember?" And oh yes, now Yoongi did remember that Hoseok was there. "He's cute... You wanting to observe Saturday classes has nothing to do with that, right?" Yoongi blushed before he could deny it and Hoseok nodded knowingly. "Mhm. That's what I thought. As long as you're not harassing my poor employee, go ahead."
And so here Yoongi was at Hope World studio, standing in front of the very boy who he wasn't able to get out of his head since they'd met at the club three weeks ago. Jimin looked very different now. He didn't have any of that glittery makeup on. His hair was faded into an almost blonde rose quartz kind of pink instead of the more vibrant coral it had been before. Half of it was tied out of his face in a tiny half ponytail and, ugh, Yoongi thought that was adorable. He was wearing a shirt that looked about three sizes too big on him over baggy sweatpants rather than the more revealing clubbing outfit Yoongi met him in. He was still absolutely breathtaking. His partner was a lucky man.
"Jimin-ssi," Yoongi greeted him with a slight bow, suddenly feeling more awkward than he probably appeared. "I'm composing a piano piece. Sometimes I like working in more creative environments than my living room and Hoseok said I could observe a class, but I wanted to make sure that my being here wouldn't make you uncomfortable."
There was a second where Jimin just blinked at him as if trying to place where he knew him from. He had more to drink than Yoongi did that night at Glamour and Yoongi wouldn't have blamed him one bit if he didn't remember him at all. To his surprise though, Jimin beamed and pulled him into a hug (he hoped Jimin didn't feel how his heart started beating just a little faster). Lotus and smoke. It was oddly a pleasant combination of scents. "Yoongi-ssi! Good to see you again! Of course, I don't mind at all. You can take a seat in the back of the room. I think that'd be least distracting for my students. Stay afterwards so we can chat though!" His smile was inviting and so pretty.
Yoongi followed Jimin's directions and plopped himself down on a stack of folded mats in the back corner of the studio. He brought his laptop with him to do some work, compose a little and maybe write some new lyrics. Melodies came easily to him, piecing together lyrics from his web of endless thoughts was always more of a challenge though. Mostly, he had come just because he wanted to see Jimin again.
And Yoongi knew he shouldn't let himself pine after someone who was taken or entertain this aesthetic attraction because in the end, he'll only be hurting himself. It was difficult not to though. Not that he would dare act on it and make a move. He wasn't an asshole. He would absolutely have respect for Jimin and his relationship. Truthfully, his only intention was to talk with Jimin and get to know him more, be friends (because Yoongi wasn't a stranger to having some level of attraction towards his friends that he needed to ignore and he could usually gaslight himself into making these feelings go away eventually). He hoped to get to hear more about Jimin's relationship and how he and his boyfriend manage their differences because this man had given him hope that love was possible for him again. If someone like Jimin, a person who was sweet, accepting, and allosexual, could make it work with an asexual, maybe there was someone out there who could love Yoongi too. Having that hope again felt nice and yeah, Yoongi wanted to chase that hope a bit further if he could.
So here he was, sitting in on a children's beginner level ballet lesson and pretending he needed a creative place to work, as if melodies didn't usually flow easily from him in the comfort of his own home where they could be played on his upright piano. All because of a lovely man who might have some insight on how Yoongi could improve his relationship problems.
Jimin began leading the students through stretches. He was apparently very flexible. His legs easily parted into splits, his waist folded to allow him to touch the floor past his toes, and his back bent into arches that could put architects to shame. The children could do the stretches easily, but Yoongi didn't think grown men were designed to be that... bendy. He could only imagine the pain he'd be feeling in his hamstrings and the loud crack of his spine breaking if he were to attempt even half of what Jimin was doing. The thought crossed his mind that if he was allo, he would probably be impressed for an entirely different reason.
Jimin ran the class through some light warm ups, just to get their blood pumping. He made the exercises fun for the kids. "Hands at your side, legs stiff and apart, then rock back and forth from foot to foot. This is our penguin waddle!" The children laughed at their reflections in the mirror wall because they looked quite goofy. "Give us another animal to imitate the movement of, Doyun!" Jimin called on one of the seven boys in the group. He let each of his students pick their favorite animal to make a silly little dance of like this. Yoongi couldn't be more endeared.
"Okay, class! You might have noticed that we have a special guest with us. Mr..." He looked to Yoongi who supplied him with his family name, even though the children already knew it. "Mr. Min is writing music and was hoping we could help jumpstart his creativity so we have to do our very best for him today! Shall we show him what we've been working on?"
The students got into the starting positions of the dance they were learning. Maybe the routine was simple - they were still in the beginning stages of learning the technical aspects of ballet after all, with Jimin calling out the names of different positions and the students doing their best to recall what those positions should look like and move into them, - but the children, ranging from ages 6 through 8, were quite talented for being so young. They were grasping Jimin's instruction quickly. Yoongi was amazed with what Jimin had been able to teach them in the last few months.
Of course, Yoongi had seen them dance before and knew they were capable, but this was way different than the steps and kinds of dances Hoseok usually taught them. He was qualified to teach hip-hop and, up until now, the students only knew his example. Ballet was a brand new class offered at the studio, added specifically because Hoseok was trying to branch out. He'd been excited about the genre and stylistic variety that Jimin could add to Hope World. The students were handling the change very well.
Jimin clapped his approval. "Very nice! I'm proud of the progress you guys have made since we started. I can tell you're practicing lots at home too! I'm noticing though that many of you keep a lot of weight on your heels. This makes it really hard to transfer your weight between positions and in order to stay balanced like this, we end up sticking our chests out more than we should. We want to avoid this so imagine that your feet are triangles." Jimin drew an upside down visual with his pointer finger in the air. "Your biggest toe and smallest toe joints are the top two points of the triangle and the heel of your foot is the other. Did you know that triangles are the most stable shape? We need to distribute more weight to the two points at the top of our feet because that will support us better when we need to transition. Does this make sense?"
There was a chorus of 'Yes, Mr. Park's!' and Jimin asked them to try again, keeping this in mind. He was a good teacher, Yoongi thought. He was gentle and patient with them while they learned. He went around to individual students that he saw were struggling with one thing or anther, offered them the tips and support they needed to adjust their mistakes, and did lots of demonstrations when he taught them something new. Yoongi really enjoyed watching him interact with the children. He could tell Jimin loved this, that he loved teaching and loved ballet and loved kids. It was sweet, made Yoongi's heart happy.
'How can a person be like this? You're a sweet wind blowing in my heart. Even if you don't put on makeup, you still wear a perfume called attraction.' Yoongi felt a little bad about how loud the clicks of his laptop's keyboard was as he typed the lyric ideas out when a few of the students who were nearest to him looked back. He mouthed an apology to them and they giggled.
He could easily picture Jimin being the kind of guy who would want a large family down the road. He grounded himself, reminded himself that it wasn't even his fucking business whether Jimin, who he barely knew, wanted kids or not. Because, again, Jimin had a boyfriend who'd probably be just as great a co-parent if they did decide they wanted kids, based on everything Jimin told Yoongi about him before at the club.
Yoongi thought that about his friends too. Taehyung and Hoseok. Seokjin and Jungkook. They'd be wonderful parents, fun and loving and fair and uplifting and accepting... everything a good parent should be, Yoongi imagined.
The funny thing about Yoongi's brain was that it was like a runaway train at times, uncontrollable and too fast to keep up with. It thought things and connected those things to more things and he could barely keep up with how it streamlined through anxiety after anxiety.
Because then he thought about what would happen to him when his friends all settled down and wanted to start their families, when their lives got too busy to maintain the close friendships they did before school events, appointments, clubs, sports, lessons, and playdates. Would he become the odd one out? The estranged, unrelated uncle who you see only once a year during Christmas? Would he be left in the dust? Partnerless, still dating around and failing to find anyone who wanted to share a life with him, childless because he knew he was not a rounded enough person to parent a kid alone, and also friendless because all of his had their own lives to live and he wouldn't fit neatly into them someday? He would become nothing but an added burden in their hectic lives which they would no longer be able to afford to entertain.
'I start to feel like I'm living in this world alone.'
He really needed to stop letting his mind wander and make leaps like this.
He did end up doing a bit of composing to prevent the anxiety attack he felt coming on (because how embarrassing would it be to break down in front of a bunch of children?). He used a composition software to score and he could listen to the piece play digitally later, though he didn't necessarily need to hear what he was working on. He was versed well enough in music theory and composition to know what worked and what didn't by now. Yoongi could practically hear the notes and chords playing out in his head anyways.
He was glad that he got some composition done because Jimin asked about it when the class ended, landed himself down right next to Yoongi where he sat on the mats when all the students were picked up, and leaned over to see the sheet music. Yoongi played what he had for him, fixing a few notes he wasn't completely satisfied with when he finally heard them out loud as the piece moved along.
"You wrote that in an hour?" Jimin asked, sounding fascinated. "Without even being able to hear what it sounded like until now? It's beautiful! You're very good."
Yoongi nodded like it was nothing, because it honestly was. "It's what I do for a living, so I would hope I'm good," he repeated what Jimin told him when they first talked, which earned him a chuckle. "And you're a good teacher. Very fun, I can tell the kids love you."
Jimin smiled brightly. Yoongi noticed his front tooth was just a little crooked and it somehow made him look about ten times cuter. Not fair. "I'm glad. I was so worried when I first started that they wouldn't like me or that I'd fuck this up. I've never taught before. I've never even worked with kids. Honestly, I'm amazed I got a job here with no experience."
"Well, you're great with them. Hoseok must have been really impressed with you." Without thinking, Yoongi added, "I don't blame him, you made quite the impression on me too."
He must have imagined the blush that fanned Jimin's cheeks. "You know, you're welcome to come work during my classes any time you want to."
[July 15th, 2020]
Kim Namjoon was an exceptional producer and lyricist. His music gave Yoongi a real run for his money, which was saying something because there was nothing on earth that Yoongi took more pride in than his work. There was a mutual respect between them, an admiration that rooted itself between them from the very beginning and spread quickly like vines.
Namjoon shared his deep passion for music. He would come to Yoongi's studio sometimes with a song he was working on and a spark in his eyes, asking him to listen to it and give him feedback. What he was really asking was for Yoongi to appreciate something he was proud of creating. So they would listen to each other's pieces together and spend probably more time than they could afford talking about what made each other's music strong, what they personally wanted to improve on with each piece, giving each other advice on how they could go about achieving the exact feel and atmosphere they wanted to showcase, and explaining the deeper meanings and inspiration behind their lyrics.
These conversations often got quite personal and the more they talked, the more Yoongi realized they had in common. Namjoon had gone to university for a psychology degree while Yoongi went for one in architecture. They both switched their area of focus to pursue music careers and consequently lost the respect of their fathers for chasing such pointless, irresponsibly childish dreams. As if Yoongi had ever had his father's respect. Namjoon's dad was hard on him too growing up. There were too many expectations put on them, too many goals saddled on their backs so their families could live through them vicariously. Both of them had an older sibling, though Yoongi wasn't very close with his brother and Namjoon loved his sister. Both of them had religious and homophobic parents; neither one of them could believe in a god that had such conditional love and could send someone to hell just for being exactly how they were created like it was predestined damnation. Both of them had a shitty time coming out to their actual families, but both now had very small circles of queer friends who they'd discovered belonging and acceptance with, who had become their found families. Yoongi's friend group consisted of an energetic pansexual dancer, a nonbinary drag artist with unlabeled attraction, an eccentric gay gossip guru, and an autistic bisexual gym rat. Namjoon's consisted of two raging lesbians whose favorite hobbies were oversharing and giving him a hard time.
Even after only a few months of working together like this, learning things about each other little by little, Yoongi thought of Namjoon as more of a close friend than a coworker. And it was funny because how many years had Yoongi been working for Big Hit Entertainment now? Four or five? And this was the first time he's ever gotten to know any of his coworkers on a personal level and made a real connection with one of them.
No, Yoongi didn't let himself acknowledge the way butterflies swarmed in his stomach when Namjoon got really excited about a piece and talked a mile a minute about everything he was trying to accomplish with it. He wasn't going to fuck up a relationship with a coworker, especially not with someone he enjoyed talking to and bonding with so much.
It was for the best anyways. Namjoon had a boyfriend (that was the kind of luck Yoongi had). He knew this because so many of the songs the younger producer wrote were for his partner, because he would talk about how much he loved him with the kind of smile that Yoongi didn't know if he'd ever be able to put on someone else's face.
"Serendipity?" Yoongi repeated the English title.
"A happy accident," Namjoon translated.
"These lyrics are beautiful." The song was about lovers who were destined to be together, the universe realigning itself around their meeting and being. One line specifically stuck out to Yoongi though, one that resonated with him. 'Just like you, I'm so scared when you see me, when you touch me.' "Why this line?"
Namjoon always took his time collecting his thoughts and sewing them together carefully. It was something Yoongi really liked about him, this thoughtfulness. "There was something very fragile about my relationship at first," he confessed, willing to be honest and vulnerable with Yoongi. "Admittedly, we dove into it all very quickly, but then I discovered something about myself and things got kind of weird between us. My partner worried so much about putting pressure on me and breaking what we had by continuing to move as fast as we were, or by moving at all anymore and I was afraid I wouldn't be good enough for him if I deprived him of something he loves." He looked at Yoongi as he talked like there was something in the words he was supposed to be reading into, a secret between them that only they'd understand. And Yoongi wondered how the fuck he could tell, if something about him advertised 'Asexual!' like a billboard. Namjoon pointed to the refrain. Just let me love you. "But we finally talked it through instead of avoiding it. He told me, 'It doesn't matter to me if we never get any further than this again, I'm happy just loving you any way that you'll let me.'"
Yoongi's heart sank. An ex once said the exact opposite to him. 'I won't ever be able to love you the way I want to without sex.' He smiled though. "That's sweet, Namjoon-ah. He sounds wonderful."
[July 23rd, 2020]
Yoongi knew that Taehyung had been working on a new book. They had four published already. Queer young adult romance, because they wanted LGBTQ+ teens to have the representation they wished they'd had growing up. The first had been about gay pirates and mermaids. The second was a very clean retelling of their own love story with Hoseok, about drag shows and transgender self-discoveries and college lovers that accepted them through their identity crisis. The third was a WLW vampire novel. The last was heavily inspired by The Princess Bride, if Westley was a lesbian and if Buttercup was a trans woman.
But Taehyung handed Yoongi the manuscript for the next book they were going to send to their editor. "I wanted you to read through this first and give me your notes. Let me know if I accurately portrayed your experience or if there's any parts of this I can improve."
"My experience?" Yoongi asked, but Tae only nodded. It became obvious what they meant when Yoongi sat down later and started leafing through the manuscript.
The main character was apothisexual. It was the first time Yoongi ever read about someone like himself in a book. A real, going to be published book. Asexual representation in media was next to nonexistent and good asexual representation was even rarer.
That was beside the point. This story was about a sex-repulsed asexual man who had horrible luck with dating (sounded familiar) falling in love with the very friendly allosexual relationship coach who usually sat across from him and talked his ear off on the public transport they both took to work. She'd taken the advice she gave her clients and left her previous boyfriend because she realized her worth and saw that he wasn't treating her like she deserved to be treated. Eventually, she asked the main character out.
The main character really liked her, but didn't think he would be a good fit for her because someone who helps other couples maintain sexual intimacy surely would desire it themselves, wouldn't they? But she liked him a lot too and said she didn't need sex to be happy, she just needed someone who would love her and treat her well. She did her best to understand him and his asexuality, to learn how to be supportive of him and make their relationship work because not all of her typical advice applied to them. She easily accepted that he wasn't interested in sex and they were intimate in other ways. She didn't push him, didn't pressure him, but rather took the time to figure out how he needed to be cared for. She didn't make him feel guilty for not being able to return her attraction or sexual desire, but helped him accept himself throughout the story. And he treated her like she was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Their relationship turned Yoongi's heart to mush.
They fell in love that way. She made him feel wanted and worthy of her love and he did the same for her. It didn't matter if their relationship was sexless. She genuinely believed their love was worth it.
Yoongi stayed up all night to finish it and was sniffling by the time he got to the last page. Would he ever find someone who would think his love was worth the compromise?
[July 29th, 2020]
Namjoon was playing this string piece for Yoongi. It didn't have lyrics yet, maybe it never would. Namjoon wasn't sure if he'd write any for it or not. "My boyfriend is a dancer," he said when Yoongi asked if this piece had a story (because all of them did and Yoongi loved listening to Namjoon talk about what inspired his work, loved learning every interesting little thing he could about him). "A pretty exceptional one, but he lost confidence in himself a while back and stopped dancing. I tried to encourage him to pick it back up because it was something he really loved doing. I knew he missed it, but he kept shutting down whenever I brought it up. I thought maybe that was it. He was just going to give it up for good."
Yoongi could imagine how devastating it must be knowing someone you love stopped having faith in themself and gave up something they really loved as a result. He knew there had to be more to the story than that though. It couldn't end on a bad note because Namjoon was telling him all of this with an edge of relief to his tone, so Yoongi nodded for him to continue, eager to hear the rest.
"He surprised me one day a few months ago, took up a job teaching kids how to dance. He's so much happier now." Namjoon's smile then was the wholesome kind that reached and softened his eyes, one that told Yoongi he was very proud of his partner for fighting to keep his passion alive in some way. "He said he wants to start choreographing for himself again so I put this together for him. I'm just glad he's regaining some of his confidence back."
The file on Namjoon's laptop was called Untitled_ 13.wav. "You didn't name this one yet?"
Namjoon shook his head. "I want Jimin to name it when I give it to him."
Yoongi's stomach flipped. Oh. Of course. Of fucking course. He hadn't put the pieces together before, but they were all there, so very obviously there, and he connected them now. Kim Namjoon was the ace boyfriend that Jimin was talking about at the club. Park Jimin was the muse behind the majority of Namjoon's work. Naturally. That just made sense. The good ones are always taken by other good ones. His two crushes were dating each other of all people, like the universe was having a good laugh over Yoongi's total lack of a love life, like it needed to rub it in just a little more that he couldn't have either one of these men.
[August 1st, 2020]
"Jimin gave you his number? Guess you're better at flirting than we thought," Hoseok teased, as if getting numbers was Yoongi's biggest obstacle when it came to dating. That was the easy part. Taehyung snickered.
Yoongi took Jimin's offer up and sat in the back of his class every other Saturday, brought some work with him and tried to be productive until the hour was up and Jimin was free to chat. Jimin only gave him his number so they didn't have to keep pretending that Yoongi actually came to the studio to watch his classes. Yeah, Jimin knew the truth and called him out on it. That was a mortification Yoongi didn't think he could ever live down if his friends were to find out though.
"I want to be his friend," Yoongi emphasized. "Don't you ever talk to him about, like, not work related things? He's in a relationship." With Namjoon, he reminded himself. In any case, Jimin gave him his number because he enjoyed his company and wanted to spend more time with him too. Surely, that counted for something. A friendship was still a win on Yoongi's long list of losses.
"I know he is and it's almost shame," Hoseok clicked his tongue. "I totally would have given him my blessing to date you. He's sweet."
"Since when have my dates needed your blessing?"
[August 9th, 2020]
Turns out that Hoseok's blessing was next to worthless because he was absolute shit at reading people. He encouraged Yoongi to go on a date with this pushy chef. It ended terribly. So terribly that Yoongi would have ranked it with his top 3 worst first dates, which was saying something when it came to his dating history.
The date was hosted at the man's apartment, which made Yoongi anxious enough, but the chef, who worked at some high end restaurant in the core of the city, also insisted on cooking them dinner. It was only another thing Yoongi had to be wary of, though Hoseok tried to assure him that he was being overly paranoid. ("Not everyone has ulterior motives. I think it's nice.") When he forced his nerves to settle, Yoongi was able to have a good time. At least, he was having a good time at first. His date, Hangyul, made nice conversation, was funny and interesting. Yoongi offered to help him clean up after dinner, but his help was turned down and then Hangyul suggested a movie.
Yoongi was hesitant. It was getting late by then and he wasn't dumb (Netflix and chill was one of Seokjin and Jungkook's favorite date night activities), but Hangyul said that he was just enjoying Yoongi's presence so much that he didn't want the evening to end yet. He seemed nice enough up until this point, so Yoongi swallowed down the uneasiness he felt, kept the things Hoseok said to him earlier in mind, and agreed to one movie.
Hangyul sat down on his couch and patted the space next to him as an invitation for Yoongi to also take a seat. He purposefully left some distance between them when he did. As the movie progressed, he noticed Hangyul shifting closer to him and at some point he slung an arm around Yoongi's shoulders. Yoongi shrugged it off of him, tried to set a boundary. "Hey, I don't really like being touched at all on the first date."
That wasn't an ace thing so much as it was a Yoongi thing. He had a hard time trusting people and believing that their intentions were pure right off the bat. While the touches themselves were innocent and didn't bother him, the fact that a close-to-stranger's hands were on him when he didn't know what they wanted from him yet was enough to set off alarms in his head.
Hangyul laughed in a way that sounded way too dismissive and put his arm back firmly around Yoongi, pulling his smaller frame into his side and ignoring what he just said. "Playing hard to get? Just relax and let's enjoy the movie." His other hand came to rest on Yoongi's leg.
Red flag. Yoongi stiffened, immediately way too aware of how he was being grabbed. Hangyul's hand was large on his thigh, his thumb reaching too close to Yoongi's crotch for comfort. The heat of his encroaching touch made Yoongi squirm, made the anxiety that's been bubbling in his stomach since he'd arrived at Hangyul's apartment boil over. That was an ace thing. His thigh was being squeezed, Hangyul's thumb now moving to intentionally brush over the bulge in his pants suggestively and, nope, Yoongi couldn't pretend this was fine anymore.
"Get off," Yoongi heard himself say, but his own voice sounded very far away from him. This was apparently one of those times when the alarms in his head weren't false and they rang loudly over his words.
"Come on. Don't you think I deserve a little something for making you such a nice dinner, hm? A meal like that wouldn't have been cheap at my restaurant, you know." Ah. So he did think he was entitled to a reward for his efforts. A big, fat, 'Told You So' to Hoseok. This happened sometimes. It was why Yoongi no longer let his dates pay for him, never let them drive him home. It was why he wouldn't have let Hangyul cook for him if Hoseok didn't convince him to not worry so much. He didn't want anyone to believe that he owed them anything. It all went downhill from there very quickly. Hangyul didn't heed his warning. Instead, his lips found Yoongi's cheek and he trailed these icky, octopus-like kisses down his jaw to his neck, licked at the place his neck and shoulder met. A shiver went down Yoongi's spine. Not the nice kind. He flinched away.
Yoongi started to say that no, he wasn't entitled to fucking anything when he'd been the one to insist on making dinner, but his words were cut off by Hangyul's mouth now meeting his own with no sense of technique or grace whatsoever. He seemed to swallow Yoongi's objection, or Yoongi himself whole. It was disgusting and he gagged into the other man's mouth, which would have been more than enough of a cue to clue anyone in on the fact that he wasn't finding the kiss, - if it could even be called that, - pleasant on any level. But Hangyul did not stop even at that.
When Yoongi pulled away, tried to turn his head, he realized the man had a grip in his hair that held him in place. Panic was building in his chest as old trauma was triggered. He attempted to push Hangyul off of him, but it was wasted effort because the more he pushed him away, the stronger the other man's hold seemed to get. Hangyul's tight clutch in his hair was momentarily forgotten when his other hand trailed higher over Yoongi's thigh to his hip, when rough fingers were pressing into the soft skin under the hem of his shirt and dragging upward to his chest all in one quick motion. Yoongi's skin fucking crawled in its wake.
He would be lying if he said he wasn't afraid in that moment. Memories of the last time he was in this situation were flashing through his mind and Yoongi wanted to throw up. Fight, flight, or freeze. He already promised himself he'd never freeze again.
So Yoongi forced himself to stop panicking long enough to think, then made a fist and brought it down as hard as he could onto Hangyul's groin. Yeah, that was the brilliant plan he went with. It was effective though. It hurt the man, shocked him enough that he lost his death grip on Yoongi's hair and broke the kiss to wheeze, "You ungrateful little bitch," which at least gave Yoongi the chance to breathe.
He was free, but not satisfied. He had too much anger swelling inside of him because this piece of shit ignored all his boundaries and discomfort and attempted date rape. Yoongi wondered just how many of this man's other dates had resulted in his successful coercion or force over someone else. He wanted this man to feel the same fear he and other victims did. His hands curled into fists and from there he saw red. Yoongi barely registered the other curses Hangyul was shouting at him, the ache in his own knuckles as they split against the other's cheek bones, the movie still playing in the background.
By the time Yoongi rid himself of his rage, Hangyul was cowered in on himself. Apparently he wasn't so tough when it came down to it, when he tried it with someone who could fight back. His eyes were swollen from a probably broken nose, blood streaming from his nostrils down his chin to his arms where he was holding his face in pain. Yoongi couldn't find it in him to feel the least bit sorry for what he'd done. He grabbed Hangyul's hair to make him look up at him once more, an imitation of what Hangyul did to him earlier. "I said I didn't want to be touched, asshole." He spat for good measure and with that, Yoongi straightened out his shirt, grabbed his things, and left, intentionally slamming the door shut behind him.
Yoongi wasn't the same as he'd been at 17. He'd grown, gotten stronger and tougher. While he was still comparatively a small man, he had no problem handling himself anymore. That didn't mean a close call wasn't enough to still scare the fuck out of him.
The absolute last thing Yoongi wanted to think about was what could have happened if he was just a little more vulnerable like he was in the past, if his instinct was still to freeze instead of fight and flee. That would be the very thing he'd hyper-focus on for the next few hours though. As what happened caught up with him, Yoongi's chest felt more and more constricted. It was as though a snake was wrapping around his ribs and winding itself tighter with each passing minute. He struggled to breathe through his anxiety, his hands shaking when he tried to unlock his car and he realized he would be useless driving home. He called Seokjin.
He was glad he kept an emergency pack of Esse Blues in his glove compartment. Yoongi fumbled with his lighter and finally managed to get a cigarette lit up. He sat with his car door open, elbows on his knees and chin in his palm, then smoked while he waited for the older. It gave him something to focus on that wasn't the buzzing under his skin or his pounding heart or the smell of iron on his hands. Breathe in, let the smoke roll, breathe out, repeat.
This was how Seokjin found him. He'd usually be on Yoongi's case about how bad smoking is for him and how he should quit, but he said nothing about it now, probably recognizing that Yoongi was shaken up. He even waited patiently for Yoongi to finish the dart he was on before taking him home.
Seokjin eyed his bloody knuckles and wrinkled shirt, kept side glancing worriedly at him from the driver's seat, but thankfully, he knew better than to ask questions during the ride. (He probably didn't even need to ask considering this wasn't the first time Yoongi called him after a date made him uncomfortable). In fact, the only thing he said about the date was, "I trust that they deserved it. Kook and I will pick up your car in the morning for you, so don't worry about coming back here." And then, he played Yoongi's favorite CD as background noise and talked about anything he could think of to distract him. "Hey, you should have seen this customer that came to Epiphany today. They had the coolest tattoos. You would have loved them. One was this really detailed dragon that spiraled around their arm and..." Yeah, Yoongi was endlessly grateful for Seokjin.
When he got home that night, Yoongi stripped from his clothes and looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. The self-hatred that reared from the place Yoongi had hidden it was familiar and almost comfortable in some weird way. The bruises that were already starting to bloom on his hip and stomach from where Hangyul had gripped him just a little too harshly were deep red and angry, just as angry as the nerves still alight under his skin. They were more welcome than the darker, more obvious marks on his neck where Hangyul had sucked a collage of pink-purple hickeys. Yoongi grimaced at the souvenirs, knowing they wouldn't leave him as quickly as he'd like them too.
He took a long, maybe too hot shower, watching the dried blood rinse off of his knuckles, trying to scrub off the fingerprints he still felt on his waist and the sticky kisses lingering on his neck. If he scrubbed hard enough, Yoongi wouldn't be able to tell the marks Hanguyl made from his own. The unwanted touches crawled under his skin as if he was still in Hangyul's hold. As if he was still in Jihun's hold. They felt like branded reminders of something he never wanted to relive.
Hoseok was the one who convinced him to give Hangyul a chance and it would be dishonest for Yoongi to claim that right then, he wasn't shifting a little blame and resentment onto his best friend. "It's just dinner, what could go wrong, hyung? He wants to show off his cooking skills, that's it. Have a little faith in humanity." Of course he said that, because Jung Hoseok always believed just a little too much that people are inherently good and often failed to see the faults in anyone. He was friends with Yoongi after all and Yoongi was a fucking disaster.
The rest of Yoongi's blame and resentment fell on himself because that's exactly what he got for ignoring his gut instinct and having a little faith in humanity.
He wondered if it would always be like this. If he would always have to stay cynical. If he'd always be terrified of people and what they could want from him. If he'd ever not have to worry when someone wanted to treat him well and do nice things for him.
If he cried in the shower, that wasn't anyone's business but his and the tile walls that his sobs (theoretically) echoed off of. If his palms were rubbed raw and his skin was blemished with rashes and nail scrapes and scrub burns by the time he was through, who would see?
It was less than a week after Hoseok first mentioned asexuality to him. Everything Yoongi was reading resounded with him and he was becoming more and more certain that this label fit. He felt comfortable in this new identity, like everything was finally clicking into place and making sense for him.
He knew that he should tell Jihun what he discovered about himself. It wasn't an easy conversation right from the start, but Yoongi wanted, no, needed to be honest. With Jihun. More importantly, with himself. He owed himself a little authenticity after the last few years he'd spent trying to force himself to feel things he simply didn't, trying to force himself to be normal and for what? Just to fit in? "I don't want to have sex with you again. It wasn't good for me." He'd said this to his boyfriend after he'd pulled away from innocent kisses turned needy and wandering hands.
"It was our first time," Jihun reasoned, still running his hands along Yoongi's sides, maybe now to ease his concerns. It did the opposite. "We'll get better with practice."
Yoongi shook his head, grabbing the boy's hands to hold them still. "I don't want to do it again. That doesn't have to do with inexperience." He noticed that Jihun wasn't looking him in the eyes, but was instead staring at his lips, probably waiting for Yoongi to finish speaking so they could go back to making out. Didn't he get that this was an important conversation Yoongi was trying to have with him? "It's just me... not liking sex. I'm pretty sure that I'm asexual." That was the first time Yoongi used the word to describe himself out loud, his very first time officially coming out to another person, but as he said it, he knew without any more doubt that it was right. "I am asexual."
"Like a plant?" Jihun laughed like he'd said something funny, but Yoongi felt like he was being made a joke of. He wasn’t being taken seriously in the least. "You can't just not like sex, Yoon. That's impossible." He brushed a strand of Yoongi's hair from his face and left his palm there to cup his cheek, bringing him in for a sweet, reassuring kiss that once again morphed into something hungry. "Let's just try again. You'll see, it'll be better."
"Ji, I don't want to have sex with you," Yoongi declined again. "I don't like it."
It wouldn't have mattered what he said, whether he consented or not. Jihun disregarded his protests and pushed him back until he was laying against the bed they were sitting on, pinning Yoongi beneath him like a butterfly mounted by an entomologist. "That can be fixed." Jihun was the first person to tell him that. He was many of Yoongi’s firsts.
Yoongi struggled at first, tried to push his boyfriend off of him (as awful as that sounds - this was someone he was supposed to trust after all, someone he should be wanting to pull closer), but he was weaker then. Fear paralyzed him and rendered him unable to get away from Jihun. He'd never admit to anyone, not even his therapist years later, that he'd ended up giving in, just laying there and letting it happen to him. He hadn't done anything but cry and dissociate.
He avoided Jihun after this, ignored his calls, and refused to answer the door when he came around. It would take Yoongi months to really process what happened to him, even longer to trust anyone again or to see himself in a mirror and not be absolutely revolted and overwhelmed with self-hatred.
The worst part was that he couldn't get help at the time, couldn't tell anyone what happened because he was just so humiliated and scared that his parents would find out he was queer. He handled his trauma alone for too long and found himself withdrawing from everyone, even Hoseok. He spent too many nights muffling his sobs into his pillow as he rocked on the floor next to a bed he couldn't make himself sleep in anymore. He dealt with too many panic attacks by locking himself in the bathroom to hide until they passed.
It was around this time that Yoongi also first took up smoking as a coping mechanism.
Where are you today? 08/10/20
Ditching me again, hyung? 08/11/20
Did you go on vacation and not bring me with you? :( Lame. 08/12/20
Work is boring without you. Miss you. 08/13/20
Really hope you're doing alright! Worried about you. Please text back so I at least know you're alive. 08/14/20
Yoongi checked his phone for the first time in days and saw that he missed quite a few texts and calls from his friends. Reminders to eat and take care of himself from Seokjin. Taehyung asking if he needed anything. Jungkook sending him memes in hopes of cheering him up. Voicemails from Hoseok with apology after apology. Of course Seokjin told the others what happened after he'd pieced it together from Yoongi's bloody knuckles and what little he would say about the date.
Yoongi just needed some time to himself, a few days where he could lay in bed and do nothing and deal with his anxiety without worrying about a panic attack happening in front of other people. Even though he knew he had the support he needed now, it was just so much easier to hide away and handle his issues by himself the same way he did all those years ago. His therapist wouldn't approve of this, Yoongi knew that, knew that this was regression from all the progress he'd made. But old habits die hard and he was fine. Mostly.
He only replied to Namjoon's texts.
I'm alive, don't worry. Just not feeling well. Thanks for checking on me!
His other friends knew he would reach out to them when he was ready.
• • •
[August 15th, 2020]
1 audio attachment.
This is the finished composition I was working on, wanted you to be the first to hear it. Thanks again for letting me sit in on your classes.
It was late at night and Yoongi assumed Jimin wouldn't see his message until he woke up in the morning, but he surprisingly replied a few moments later.
Is this you playing, hyung?
Yeah, Yoongi recorded himself playing the piano piece. He supposed he could have exported his project straight from the scoring program, but the instruments preloaded in it sounded digitalized and gross. Besides, Yoongi was never one to half ass anything. That, and there really wasn't much else to do but smoke and play piano while he'd holed himself up at his apartment over the last few days. The slightly out of tune notes brought him great comfort. Yes.
Lovely, Min Yoongi <3 Am I allowed to choreograph this?
Jimin liked the piece. He liked it so much that he wanted to dance to it. Yoongi had done something good even while feeling this awful. He was a little proud of himself for it. It was refreshing after the week he'd spent stewing in self-loathing.
Joon said you've been out of work. Are you doing okay? Do you need me to bring over dinners? I know it's not fun to cook for yourself while you're sick.
However kind the offer was, the last thing Yoongi wanted was Jimin bringing a meal over and seeing him unshowered in his four day old clothes with heavy bags under his eyes and stale smoke on his breath.
But also, he hasn’t exactly had the energy to cook for himself the last few days and has been surviving off of cereal. He hadn’t even been able to muster up the strength to get a fucking bowl and pour milk in. He was just shoveling dry cereal straight out of the box like a bear. A home cooked meal might do him some good
He decided he should clean himself up and ask for the help.
[August 16th, 2020]
Jimin and Namjoon came over to drop off a few dinners for him. They brought a game with them and tried to cheer him up. He struggled to focus on it so they put on a movie for him instead and snuggled up with him on the couch. He fell asleep in the middle of it on Namjoon’s shoulder.
When he woke up several hours later, he was alone on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. The only evidence that the couple had been there was the Tupperware with homemade meals in his fridge and a handwritten note.
Please call us if you need anything else!
- Minnie and Joon
It was signed with a cute little heart.
[August 23rd, 2020]
"Oh, no you fucking don't!" Hoseok smacked the newly lit cigarette out from between Yoongi's fingers and ground it under his heel.
Yoongi frowned. That was the last in his pack. "What was that for? I'm outside," he pouted.
"Doesn't matter. How many times do I have to tell you not to do this around me?" Yoongi rolled his eyes. He specifically stepped onto the balcony to smoke after dinner so he wouldn't be in Hoseok's presence. "I have dancer's lungs! Dancer's lungs!"
"You knew I came out here to smoke. You followed me outside anyways," Yoongi pointed out, though he knew that was probably exactly why Hoseok came outside, just to rip the cigarette from his grip and ruin Yoongi's night. He was a brat like that. A brat who cared about his wellbeing, but Yoongi was too annoyed to be grateful. "And Jimin smokes. He has dancer's lungs too."
"Not healthy ones," Hoseok argued. "He dances for 15 minutes and gets winded." In fairness, most people would get winded after 15 minutes of strenuous exercise, whether they were a smoker or not, but Yoongi didn't bother saying so. "Anyways, it's my balcony and you should be thanking me. I'm prolonging your life one cigarette at a time."
Yoongi grumbled indignantly. "Well, thanks a lot, Hob-ah." He let sarcasm leak through his voice. "Now I'm gonna be grouchy and moody and you're the one who has to put up with me for the rest of the evening."
"You mean, grouchier and moodier than usual?" Hoseok didn't look impressed, thinned his lips into a straight line and gave Yoongi's shoulder a patronizing pat. "I've been friends with you for years. I think I can handle it."
Yoongi flipped his best friend off. Lovingly, of course.
The screen door to the balcony slid open and Taehyung stepped out to join them, rolled joint and lighter in hand. But then they saw Hoseok there and guiltily tucked the items away in their pocket. They grinned, all sheepish when Hoseok shot them a look like, Really, Kim Taehyung? "Sorry, babe. I thought hyung came out here to smoke and might want a little company."
"See? Tae knew I was coming out to smoke too."
"Whatever. I'm going to play video games then. Maybe Kook will be online." Hoseok narrowed his eyes and slipped past Tae, intentionally bumping shoulders with them as he did. They heard him shout, "You two enjoy your fucking vices!" from inside the apartment. He wasn't actually mad though, just felt a little excluded and both Yoongi and Taehyung knew it.
"I can't! You crushed mine!" Yoongi bitched spitefully back. It wasn't like they were the ones saying he couldn't be out here with them. It was his own self-imposed rule. Self-preservation was overrated, in Yoongi's humble opinion. Life was too short.
Taehyung shook their head at their bickering and shut the screen door behind them. "We can share my vice." They dug their joint back out of their pocket and lit up, taking a long drag from it before passing it over to Yoongi. He accepted, thankful.
Weed wasn't really his thing, but when he had no nicotine and more nerves than he really knew what to do with, Tae's indica strain would do the trick.
They smoked in silence at first, but then Taehyung gave Yoongi a once over, as if they could see whatever he was thinking clearly, and with Taehyung, Yoongi might as well have been wearing his thoughts on his sleeve anyways. The kid had weird emotional intuition. "You okay? Jin hyung told us what happened, uhm, with that chef." Duh. Yoongi already knew that he had.
Humming, he rolled the joint between his thumb and index finger. Was he okay? He was doing better than he was a week ago. Two weeks ago. He accepted help and company from Jimin and Namjoon. He made it out of his apartment to join Taehyung and Hoseok for dinner tonight and was going back to work tomorrow. He was sleeping a little better, eating well thanks to Jimin, and the marks the chef left, as well as the ones he himself created to cover them up, had faded into nothing. Maybe he wasn't completely okay yet, but he'd get there with more time. "I will be. I'm anxious lately, more on edge than usual," he confessed and Taehyung nodded. Yoongi took another draw from the joint, allowed the smoke to roll in his lungs and pretended it was just one of his cigarettes. He already felt lighter, the way you feel sometimes when you lay really still in bed and it's almost like you start to float above your body. He passed the weed back to Tae.
"Understandable. Something like that has to be seriously nerve-wracking."
It was nerve-wracking, really terrifying. Those were understatements though. "I keep thinking about the first time. It still makes me feel sick. Like, beyond disgusted with myself. I hate how I was used and I hate my body and I hate that I can’t forget how it felt.” It wasn't funny. In fact, it was the single most serious thing Yoongi could ever admit out loud to someone else, but he giggled despite himself.
Taehyung knew better than to meet his gaze then, knew Yoongi could rarely talk about serious things while maintaining eye contact. "I can't pretend to understand what that's like, hyung." And Yoongi was thankful that Taheyung didn't. Understand, - or pretend to, - that is. "Hoseok felt really terrible that he told you to stop being so paranoid and give the dude the benefit of the doubt."
"I know." Yeah, Yoongi had blamed him a little for how he'd ended up in that situation, but he came to his senses during his week of agonizing reflection and realized that Hoseok didn't know what was gonna happen and that ultimately, it was his own call to give Hangyul a chance. "He shouldn't feel bad. It's not his fault that guy turned out to be a douche," Yoongi said nonchalantly like it was whatever and laughed again because what a funny insult that was for a man who most likely didn't even know how to wash his ass. He seemed the crusty type. "He was right anyways. I don't want to be afraid of everyone for the rest of my life. I should have a little more faith in humanity and stop being so paranoid."
Tae blew a smoke ring at him. The shape broke when it hit his face and he wrinkled his nose. "It's not like you don't have a valid reason for not trusting people easily,” they pointed out.
"Still... It's not fun to always be scared of what people want from you." Yoongi took the joint back from Taehyung once they had gotten another hit from it, snatching it rather impatiently from their fingers, and Tae erupted into a fit of silent laughter, body shaking and eyes squeezing shut. Yoongi watched them curiously. "What's so funny?"
"You looked like a ferret just then." Taehyung opened their eyes to meet Yoongi's questioning glance. "Maybe you just need to stop dating assholes."
"Gee, Tae, I wish I thought of that," Yoongi sighed with exaggerated exasperation and responded with heavy sarcasm. "If only people came with warning labels."
"If only," Taehyung agreed. "Hey, should we get some snacks?"
"We just ate dinner." Yoongi snickered at the ridiculous proposal, but now that he thought about it, maybe he could use something to snack on. "Do you have any of those frosted cookies from Jinnie hyung's café? Fuck, I really want an Epiphany cookie right now."
"Are we going on a cookie run?"
"Hob-ah! Come to Epiphany with us!" Yoongi yelled, making the executive decision that a trip to the café was indeed happening.
"You just want me to drive because I'm sober!" Hoseok called back.
"That's right!" Tae truthfully acknowledged. "Come with us to get cookies though and there'll be a reward in it for you!"
A curious Hoseok now slid the screen door open to stick his head outside. "A reward, like, you're paying for my dessert or a reward, like-?"
"Royalty check hasn't cleared yet." Tae let him infer that they weren't paying for even their own cookie and the second Hoseok had disappeared back inside to find his car keys, they turned to Yoongi to whisper, "We got this martingale choke collar that tightens when you pull on the lea-"
Yoongi pinched Taehyung's lips together before they could finish explaining what they really meant when they said there'd be a reward. He'd suffered this enough in college. He knew too much already about about what his best friends were into because these idiots forgot to hang a sock or something on the dorm door handle way too many fucking times and he'd be damned if he had to sit here and listen to all the new things they'd incorporated into their puppy play since then when there were Epiphany cookies waiting for him. "Save it for another time. Come on. Priorities, Tae. They've got icing on them."
[August 24th, 2020]
Namjoon was happy to see Yoongi when he came back into work. He wanted to sit in Yoongi's studio with him, even if they weren't working together on a project that day. Just wanted to offer him some silent company because he could somehow sense that Yoongi wasn't particularly in the mood to be chatty. (Was he that easy to read?)
Namjoon didn't ask if Yoongi was okay or if he was doing better, which Yoongi was glad about because the second Namjoon did, he thought he would have told him the truth. Everything. He would have started with what really happened to him at 17 and he wouldn't be able to stop the words from rolling and rolling and rolling off of his tongue.
The thing was that Namjoon was too easy to talk to. And it was different without Jimin, who'd tried so hard to lighten the mood and cheer Yoongi up, around too. Without the distraction of dinner and Monopoly and The Princess and the Frog. It was different in the more intimate setting of his sound-proof studio, where he already felt safest and where he and Namjoon had already comfortably and willingly shared so much back and forth. Nothing either of them said left this room; it was an unspoken agreement. There was this established trust between them.
If he was being honest, it scared Yoongi that he would spill to Namjoon all the things he hadn't even told Hoseok if he was prodded even the slightest bit.
But thankfully Namjoon didn't provoke a trauma dump. He didn't say anything at all, simply respected that Yoongi was trying very hard to stay in a productive zone and focus on his work. (That was easier said than done after two weeks away from the studio.)
Yoongi appreciated that, appreciated Namjoon's presence by itself more than the other man probably knew.
[September 19th, 2020]
Park Jimin was extraordinary. Yoongi knew that already, but he didn't realize just how extraordinary Jimin was until he witnessed him dance, really dance, for the first time.
Yoongi was picking up Hoseok from work one Saturday because Taehyung was busy. Hoseok wasn't waiting for him though. He was instead watching Jimin, who was in the middle of a routine he wanted the other dancer to critique. Yoongi slipped into the studio as quietly as he could so he wouldn't disturb the performance.
String music was flooding the room from speakers on the wall, string music Yoongi recognized. This was the unnamed piece Namjoon showed him a few months ago, the one he made for Jimin because he was finally starting to feel more comfortable dancing again. He wondered what Jimin decided to call it.
Jimin flooded with the song, moving like flowing water himself, easily and fluidly.
As Yoongi watched, he could picture a narrative being told. Jimin sprouted wings and learned to use them. He was a swan in a lake, all beauty and charm. It thought highly of itself, knew it was important because everyone stopped to marvel over it's elegance. It was the king of the pond and handled itself like royalty, with carefully poised grace.
The music built up to its most climactic part, strings becoming more jarring and intense. Of course, Yoongi heard the song and thought it was amazing before, but the experience was enhanced like this, with Jimin telling a story over it with his body. The narrative turned just as desperate as the music sounded. The swan became injured, foot dragging across the floor. It fought for it's lost purpose with frantic reaches.
Jimin's passion for dance was so evident in his movements - movements obviously practiced over and over until he perfected them, until he was flawlessly portraying the hopelessness of the swan in his story and captivating his audience (Yoongi and Hoseok, in this case), making them feel exactly what he wanted them to. And as the music came to a more gentle close, the swan rested for what Yoongi assumed was it's last time.
He realized that Jimin had just told his own story, a story about how he lost himself and struggled to get himself back, a story about how losing your passion feels a lot like death.
To say Yoongi was in awe was an understatement. How the fuck was Jimin so insecure about dancing when he could pull off something as unbelievable as this? Yoongi understood why Namjoon was always so inspired by him because... Wow. Just wow.
Whatever spell Jimin was under broke with the last note of the string piece. He finally looked over at Hoseok when he finished, eyes widening when he saw Yoongi standing there too. He was too immersed in his dance before to notice when he came in.
"That was incredible!" Hoseok praised at the same time that Yoongi said, "You're incredible."
Jimin looked shy, which still took Yoongi off guard considering he first saw the man at his most confident. He listened carefully to Hoseok's feedback and thanked him. And then he turned to Yoongi. "Do you think he'll like it?" He asked, still out of breath (Yoongi wondered if Hoseok was right or if it was simply the vigorous routine that had taken it out of him). What he meant was, 'Is this good enough to show Joon or should I work harder to make him proud of me?'
"Jimin-ah, he's gonna love this." And what Yoongi meant was, 'He's already so proud of you, just for getting back up and trying again.' That was a hard thing to do, get up and try again.
[October 7th, 2020]
Namjoon seemed distracted and troubled. Yoongi poked the place on his cheek where a dimple would usually be, but wasn't today because Namjoon hadn't smiled even once. It was a crime. "Why are you so upset?"
The lyricist looked like he was gonna deny being upset about anything, but then thought better of it and sighed a heavy breath that looked like it felt good to release. "My parents reached out to me this morning. Well, my dad did."
From the sound of his tone and the mood Namjoon was in, Yoongi thought it was safe to assume that Namjoon didn't have a great relationship with his father either. "Yeah?"
Namjoon pursed his lips and nodded. "They're hosting a get together with extended family this weekend. My aunts and their husbands will be there, my cousins get to bring their boyfriends and girlfriends. My sister's bringing her fiancé." He kept his eyes focused on his desktop, on the screen that fell asleep and now displayed animated fireworks. "He invited me, but only me. Said I would embarrass the family if I showed up with 'that slutty fag I have for a roommate.'"
Oh, fuck no. Yoongi scowled. No wonder Namjoon was in a bad mood today. He would be pissed too. It's one thing when you're the one being called slurs, but you feel a whole new level of defensiveness when it comes to someone you love. And calling a gay couple 'roommates.' Yikes. The refusal to even recognize Namjoon and Jimin's relationship as something romantic was the icing on top of the homophobic cake. Insult to injury.
"I've been dating Jimin for two fucking years and my dad still refuses to refer to him as anything other than that. He only hates him because he thinks he corrupted me or whatever. Like I wasn't gay way before I met Jimin. Try explaining how the closet works to him though," he huffed, rolled his eyes in irritation towards his father's ignorance. "My parents met him once. It didn’t go well, but if they would just open up their minds a little bit and agree to actually spend time with Jimin, I know they would love him. It's impossible not to like Jimin. If they knew just how good he was to me... shouldn't they be happy that their son is? That he has someone in his life who loves him and treats him well? I want them in my life, but not if they can't..." His bottom lip wobbled and, shit, Yoongi panicked. Kim Namjoon was on the verge of crying. How could he fix this?
"Joon-ah," Yoongi started like he was about to say something profound that would instantly solve all of Namjoon's problems. He wished, if only, he could say something to magically make homophobes have a change of heart, to make them see how their words and actions affect their queer children. Namjoon waited for him to continue, but Yoongi couldn't think of anything to do but hug him. And it was awkward, with the arms of their rolling chairs in the way, but Yoongi didn't pay them mind even as they dug into his side The larger man stiffened at first, not expecting the physical contact, but soon relaxed and melted against him. "I'm sorry your family isn't accepting of you and Jimin. That must hurt you. Feeling separated from people you care about just because they can't love you as you are... having them treat your relationship and identity as something shameful to them... that's so hard."
Namjoon sniffled his agreement, head buried in his shoulder. He made himself small enough to fit into Yoongi's embrace, arms winding around Yoongi too and they stayed like that together, a friend comforting a friend. And Namjoon's tears came, Yoongi couldn't prevent them, though he wished he could. The sounds of the other man crying was heartbreaking.
"What can I do for you?" Yoongi asked in a gentle voice because he honestly wasn't sure. "What do you need from me?" If Namjoon needed him to sit here and listen more, if he needed Yoongi to shed those tears of frustration with him, if he needed Yoongi to march to his parents' house and beat some sense into his father, he would.
"This," Namjoon squeezed him a little tighter for a moment to indicate that he was talking about the hug. "This is good. Just for a little longer, if that's okay."
Yoongi softened against the man, rubbed what he hoped were soothing little circles on his back. "Of course it's okay. As long as you need."
[October 9th, 2020]
The conversation he had with Namjoon the other day made Yoongi think about his own parents. His father disowned him when he came out and pursued music as a career, like Namjoon's father had been so pissed about when he came out and declared he was switched majors. (What was up with traditional, homophobic fathers that were against their sons pursing the kinds of relationships that made them happy and and careers in liberal arts?)
His mother always tried to set him up with the daughters of her friends. She'd never really accepted that he wasn't 100% straight. Yoongi had half an urge to call her, but he knew it would result in her trying to jump start his love life. Not that it didn't need a jump start... it was just that the women she tried to set him up with typically had very different values than he did.
Still, against his better judgement, he picked up his phone and dialed her number.
She picked up after the third ring. "Yoongi?" Her voice sounded tinny, but then again, he couldn't remember what it sounded like in person. Several years passed since he'd last seen his parents, since he'd been welcome to come home. Home. Ha. Not that he could even call it that. Not that his parents' house had ever been much of a home to him.
"Mom."
"Is something wrong? You hate phone calls." She was right. Something about talking on the phone, probably not being able to see other people's reactions as he was speaking to them, stressed him out.
"No, mom I just-" Yoongi sighed. "Was thinking about you."
"Oh." She sounded surprised. Yoongi didn't blame her. He rarely called and only answered texts that she sent first. Sometimes, he didn't even do that. "Well, that's nice, dear."
"How are you?" He cringed. Small talk was the worst, but he didn't really know how to hold meaningful conversations with his parents. He'd never been able to talk about important things with them because he knew they wouldn't understand. It was why he never really connected with his family. It was why he spent a few of his teenage years being secretive, tip-toeing around his parents' strict rules, sneaking out and learning to lie well to cover his own tracks. And it was why he spent the last of those years locked in a bathroom, using the shower to muffle the ugly sounds of his own crying.
"I'm doing well. So is your father. Oh! He's here too." She pulled the phone away from her mouth and covered it with her hand, but Yoongi still heard her muffled voice asking her husband if he wanted to speak to him. He also heard the man's curt reply. "No."
Yoongi expected that, but somehow, it still stung a little. He wasn't sure why it did when he didn't want to talk to the man either.
His mother talked directly into the phone again. "He's a little busy at the moment though so he isn't able to talk." Yoongi scoffed. He appreciated her efforts, but there was no point in lying to him. "How are you doing, son?"
"I'm- I don't know. I was thinking. The other day, I was talking to a friend who was hurt because his parents were being awful towards his partner. They keep calling him ugly names and are now excluding him from events they host. It made me wonder..." Straight to the point. He had to know. "I know you're not fond of the idea, but if I did end up with a guy, would you hate me too, mom? Would you always be 'too busy' to talk to me and stop calling me son too or would you be able to be happy that I could find someone who cares about me?"
"Yoongi..." His mother's voice trailed off.
"Just answer please."
The line went quiet for a moment, like his mother was thinking about what she should say. And it was so quiet that Yoongi wondered if she actually just hung up on him. But then he knew she hadn't because she said, "I don't think you want me to." That in and of itself was an answer. Yoongi nodded even though he knew she couldn't see him and ended the call himself.
Blood is thicker than water, they say. But most people left out the rest of the proverb.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. That was the full saying. And this phone call made Yoongi reflect on why his found family, his friends were so damn important to him.
[October 17th, 2020]
Jimin was putting together choreography for the piece Yoongi composed for him. Yoongi had the pleasure of getting to watch his process.
"No judgement allowed, okay?" That was Jimin's condition for letting Yoongi drop by after Saturday classes again to watch him practice.
The condition was ridiculous. Yoongi was so beyond impressed and taken by the grace of the dancer. To think that Jimin was honestly worried Yoongi was sitting there, absorbed in his mistakes (as if he could even tell Jimin was making any by how well he could pull them off and recover from them) instead of being stunned by how remarkable he was. "I would never judge you. You know how great I think you are."
Jimin smiled at the reassurance and began practicing the sections he already mastered, but claimed he still needed to improve.
[October 24th, 2020]
"Jin hyung and I are going out for dinner. Do you wanna come too, hyung?"
"What? And third wheel on your date?" Yoongi rolled his eyes. He didn't need his friends pitying him like this. "No thanks. Bring me your leftovers."
Seokjin shot a glance at Jungkook, like Yoongi couldn't see them trying to communicate with each other telepathically about him. "It's just, we don't want to leave you alone like this."
"Like what? I'm fine. I'm used to going through breakups." Yoongi shrugged. At this point, it really wasn't a big deal. "It's not like we were dating long enough for me to even be upset over it and I didn't like him that much anyways." The date he himself was supposed to be on tonight stood him up, left him waiting at the restaurant they were meant to meet at for half an hour before finally sending Yoongi a text explaining that he was sorry, but he didn't think he wanted to continue seeing him. Yoongi wasn't particularly up for looking pathetic and eating alone in a restaurant and he didn't go grocery shopping for the upcoming week yet, so he went to Seokjin and Jungkook's place, hoping to raid their fridge and use their Netflix account.
He was only half paying attention to the English romance movie he settled on. The couple just confessed their love for one another and now there were sweet kisses being exchanged. The romantic in him loved mushy, cliché love stories, loved watching people fall in love and being happy together. The pessimist in him hated mushy, cliché love stories, made him doubt he would ever have one of his own.
The soft kisses became something a little more urgent between the two characters and they started pulling at each other's clothes; the man brought the woman's shirt over her head and her hands worked at the zipper of his jeans. Yoongi clicked his tongue in disappointment and fast forwarded over the sex scene.
Seokjin sat down on the couch next to him and gave his shoulder a gentle, barely there squeeze. While he appreciated that they cared, something about his friends treating him like he was two cracks away from shattering again pissed Yoongi off. "Then why are you crying, hun?"
Yoongi swiped at his cheeks and sure enough his sleeve came back wet with warm tears. Oh. Why was he? He was doing too much of that these days.
[October 29th, 2020]
'This is how I am. Do I deserve your love? I always make an effort to be the best for you.'
Namjoon looked up from Yoongi's notebook, from lyrics written about no person in particular, but in a more general sense, and studied him for a moment. Yoongi's heart fluttered as it usually did when he was under the gaze of the other lyricist. "You know you deserve to be loved, right, hyung?" Namjoon's eyes were one of Yoongi's favorite things about him (though, truthfully, he had a lot of favorite things when it came to Kim Namjoon). They were warm and kind, despite being sharp, and full of wisdom, even though Namjoon was younger than he was. "And that if someone makes you feel like you don't after you come out to them, then they're just an asshole who doesn't deserve your love?"
"Yeah, Joon-ah." Knowing and honestly believing were two different things though and Yoongi was having a really difficult time doing one of those things lately. "I know."
"I'm being serious," Namjoon insisted. "You're a good guy, perfect boyfriend material. Anyone would be lucky to have you and I'm sorry that so many people have failed to see that in the past."
Yoongi looked down and fiddled with the settings on his soundboard so Namjoon wouldn't see the heat in his cheeks. He wasn't sure what to say to that. So instead, he told Namjoon that the lyrics weren't about his asexuality.
Since Namjoon cried to him, had shown him a fresh vulnerability, Yoongi decided he wanted to tell him the truth about why he was out of work those two weeks in August after all. While he was writing these lyrics, he thought of how few people there were who he actually wanted to let in enough to know about his past, how few people there were who made him feel like he didn't always need to be strong and shove those memories down. How few people made him feel deserving of love even though he was broken in ways those shitty dates who insinuated he was couldn't even imagine. Namjoon was one of those people. Namjoon, Yoongi thought, would be able to put himself in his shoes and understand at least little better than his friends would just how deep this betrayal cut and how dehumanizing it was to have been assaulted by someone who was supposed to care about him just two minutes after coming out for the first time as asexual and declining sex. He wanted to come clean to somebody, to Kim Namjoon specifically, even if the idea of being that open with another person was scary.
Somehow, the words didn't roll the way he thought they would once he opened up to Namjoon. Everything he wanted to finally confess to someone, every shameful thing he thought he finally could say got trapped in the back of his tight throat and he ended up sticking to the basic story he'd told his therapist and his other close friends. The one he always told in a brief, factual way that was easy to detach from. He was pressured and his boundaries were pushed; he was held down and his clothes were removed; he was sexually violated.
"You are deserving of love," Namjoon repeated, even after Yoongi told him how he'd been used, how that experience made it so hard to trust anyone. How he now, a fucking decade later, wondered if he'd ever feel safe with a partner because, even when he did give someone the benefit of the doubt and tried to believe that they had good intentions, they proved him wrong for doing so and sent him spiraling backwards. "You deserve to feel safe."
He pointed to the next line Yoongi had written.
'I hope you don't know this part of me.'
"Thank you for letting me know this part of you."
Maybe one day, Yoongi really could.
[November 18th, 2020]
Yoongi needed to take a break from dating and focus on himself for a little bit. He decided this after coming home from a date with a woman who made him feel like a complete waste of space.
Namjoon's words were in his head somewhere. ('You deserve to be loved.') But Yoongi's brain kept finding the wrong things to mull over and agree with.
What the actual fuck had gotten into him? He already did his time, already went through the years of therapy and did the hard work of shoveling through his insecurities, of coming to terms with and accepting himself.
He was doing so well with all of this before. He could get through a crappy date without taking anything the other person said to heart because he learned to be more confident in himself and proud of his identity. Why was he once again catching himself clinging to the sucky opinions of others? It's like a reset switch was flipped in him and he was suddenly back to his factory settings, insecure and full of self-hatred. Nothing left of all the effort he put into growth. How pathetic was he really?
Yeah, he needed some time to relearn how to accept himself, relearn his worth. Because if he couldn't respect himself as someone worth love and happiness, how could he expect anyone else to?
That night, Yoongi didn't find smoking satisfying. It just felt destructive and made him feel even worse about himself. He shook out the cigarette he had lit, one he only smoked half of, and left it in the ashtray on his balcony.
It was warm inside his apartment. The silence of it bothered Yoongi though. He made himself a cup of tea and played piano until the early hours of the morning to fill the space with sound, to take his mind off of the things the woman made him feel. He channeled every awful thought that was bouncing around his skull lately into the music he played, purged himself of the negativity until there was no longer pressure in his chest or a knot of anxiety in his stomach.
If they knew, his friends would have been proud of him for how he handled himself that night. That thought, at least, made Yoongi smile.
[November 27th, 2020]
'The awkwardness was only for a moment, I touched you again, even though I was gone for a long time. Without repulsion, you accepted me. Without you, I am nothing. After the dawn, the two of us welcomed the morning together.'
"A love song," Namjoon smirked once he finished listening to the demo Yoongi created, "to your piano." He shook his head in what Yoongi assumed was disbelief. "Your mind is something else, Min Yoongi."
Something else? Was that a good thing? Yoongi couldn't tell. He was suddenly a little embarrassed. Now that he thought of it, the song did sound really silly, childish. Namjoon was probably thinking he wouldn't know real love if it smacked him in the face. "It's kind of dumb, I know."
"No, it's-"
But Yoongi felt the need to defend himself, his lyrics before the other lyricist had a chance to say anything else about them. "It's just that I was thinking, sexual feelings aren't conventional for me. Knowing the keys of a piano like this is so... easy. That kind of intimacy, the comfort and trust that some people are able to find in others, I've experienced it through playing, even if it's not really the same thing and-"
"Hyung, I love it." He was grinning, dimples present and accounted for and Yoongis' heart lurched itself out of rhythm. "It's brilliant."
"Oh." Yoongi relaxed at the approval of the other. Something warm, almost like pride, but not quite, swelled in his chest. "You really think so?"
"Absolutely. It's very real and true to who you are. Music is the thing you're most passionate about and you put that passion into a context that most people will understand. Even the way you structured the song. That build and tension, the climax and immediate release, when you catch your breath afterwards and come down with the gentle outro... The song sounds how an orgasm feels. So fucking genius."
Being praised by Kim Namjoon was one of the greatest feelings.
[December 3rd, 2020]
"Which looks better?" Taehyung asked, holding each pair of high waisted corduroy pants against their hips instead of going through the effort to try both on. "Green or blue?"
"Blue," Yoongi said, even though the green one looked a million times better with the tight taupe top Taehyung wore. He knew from experience that they would always pick the opposite of whatever he said. Something about not trusting his fashion sense. Taehyung contemplated each outfit another time. Mirror Tae stared back at them with a matched intensity. Yoongi watched Taehyung's reflection from where he was flopped on his back on the younger's bed, head hanging off the edge of it. Upside down like this, Taehyung looked like they were smiling instead of frowning at Yoongi's answer.
"I think I like the green one better," they finally decided and Yoongi groaned.
"Why bother asking me then? Why not Hoseok?"
Taehyung stepped into the pants, pulling them up over their gaff and tucking their shirt into the high waist. That was the second time they'd tucked in front of Yoongi. "He always says I look good in everything, which is sweet, but not helpful. Do you think I should wear something over this? Do I need more layers or should I keep it simple?"
"I don't know, Tae. Do you think you need more layers?" Yoongi asked because he wasn't really in the mood to be feeding into Taehyung's stupid opposite day game with his opinions anymore (but for the record, he would have said yes to another layer). He rolled lazily over onto his stomach because he was getting a bit of a head rush and propped himself up on his arms.
The younger pulled an oversized brown cardigan from their closet and put it on before nodding in approval at their image. They picked out heeled boots that reminded Yoongi of Jungkook's ink blot, about independence and self-reliance and not conforming to expectations. Taehyung accessorized with a few pieces of jewelry and then pulled out their makeup kit. Yoongi watched them apply eyeshadow and liner, deep red lipstick, some other things he didn't know the names or purposes of. They did it all quickly, a talent that came with years of practice, and it never failed to astonish Yoongi.
Taehyung had always been someone worth admiring; Yoongi thought that ever since he first had the pleasure of meeting them. That was even before Tae started identifying as nonbinary. They'd always marched to their own beat, way before they knew exactly what that beat meant for them. Tae used their style to expose who they were inside, like Yoongi used his music.
Taehyung's way of self-expression was bold and called for the attention of strangers they passed on the street, demanding that everyone see them for exactly who they are: a confident, striking, powerful being. Their attitude was very much 'Here I am, world. I come just as I am, so make fucking room for me.'
Yoongi's way was a lot more subtle, with beats and melodies that made him feel a certain way and lyrics he penned only to indirectly confess all the feelings that he wasn't strong enough to keep to himself anymore. And while it was all very raw and honest to him, most people who heard his music would never quite understand the profundity and significance he intended with it, might not even give it a second thought. In that way, it sometimes seemed to him that he used his music as a sort of shield to hide behind.
Yoongi wished he was more like Tae, wished he was more unapologetically authentic to himself and confident in who he was.
Maybe that's why he told Taehyung about his struggles lately. How he was questioning his self-worth. How he'd somehow reawakened the same doubts and insecurities he was sure he'd conquered years ago. How he wanted someone to love him, but couldn't make himself believe he deserved it anymore because, as mortifying as it was to admit that everyone he'd dated was right about him, he really wasn't completely whole and they could all see right through the part he lacked. They needed more from him.
Taehyung's response was simple, but effective at putting things into a new perspective for him. "Are these things you genuinely believe about yourself, or is it all just regurgitation of what others have told you?" They knelt in front of Yoongi, nudged his chin so he was looking up at them, then puckered their lips to get him to do the same. He did and was rewarded by Tae spreading liquid lipstick over his mouth. A light amaranth pink. Bold red wasn't Yoongi's color; he was much too pale and meek to pull that off and Taehyung knew it. "Under those other voices, I think you know damn well how great you are and what you deserve." You are deserving of love. "It's just a matter of sorting through who's saying what, hyung."
[December 12th, 2020]
'Before I knew you, my heart was only in linear motion. I'm just a person. You erode all my sharp edges and you turn me into love. We're people among all of those countless linear lines... I want to be a part of your page, want to interfere in your story as your lover... You're my love, you're my pride.'
"I love the wordplay here, Joon-ah. These lyrics, wow. It's a very sweet song. But then again, everything you write for Jimin is sweet," Yoongi gushed, but his smile faltered when he saw the younger producer's expression shift from something proud to something more pensive. He looked like he wanted to say something just then, but wasn't sure how. "What is it?" Yoongi nudged him, encouraging him to say what was on his mind.
"Nothing, it's just..." Namjoon bit his lip, met Yoongi's eyes and there was... something like worry behind them. He realized that Namjoon thought he would be ridiculed for whatever he was going to say. By Yoongi. As if he would ever ridicule Namjoon after all the ridiculous things Yoongi himself had shared. Namjoon shook his head, apparently not willing to risk telling him what he was thinking. Yoongi pretended that he wasn't a little hurt by that (like he had any reason to be). Instead, Namjoon said, "This one isn't just about him."
"Oh." That threw Yoongi for a loop. All of Namjoon's love songs were about Jimin. Namjoon adored his boyfriend. He wasn't the type to cheat, but the song was clearly about romantic love. "Uhm... what? Who else then?"
Namjoon didn't say. "These lyrics, Jimin actually helped me write them for someone else."
And Yoongi was even more confused, but didn't push the topic because it didn't seem like Namjoon would explain any further.
[January 17th, 2021]
Namjoon wanted to meet Yoongi for coffee after work. Surprisingly, it was only his second time seeing the man outside of their studios. He suggested Epiphany Café, naturally the one owned by none other than Kim Seokjin. Seokjin greeted them warmly and chatted idly as he made them their coffee, then shot Yoongi a thumbs up and a wink as they paid and walked away to find a table. Yoongi rolled his eyes at how quickly the older man tended to jump to conclusions.
This wasn't a date. Though truthfully, Yoongi was going into the outing with the same amount of nerves that he usually went into a date with. Maybe more, because he already liked Namjoon. Not that that mattered. Not that anything would ever come of that. Just... something about meeting with Namjoon like this, one-on-one outside of his comfort zone had his mind reeling.
It's just Namjoon, he reminded himself. You love talking to Namjoon. Why does this need to be any different?
And, of course, Namjoon almost instantly put him at ease as soon as he pulled out his phone, opened his notes app, and started talking about the lyrics of the latest song he was working on. Yoongi read the verse being displayed. 'I haven't seen my limits either, but if there's such a thing, wouldn't it be you? What do I do? I'm speaking in your language, I'm breathing in your breath. I'll be you, you hold me. I'm kissing your sword.' The lyrics were obviously sexual in nature and Yoongi wondered invasively if Namjoon didn't mind a sexual experience sometimes, maybe even liked it, or if he was completely indifferent to the act and was only sexual with Jimin sometimes to please him.
Yoongi wished he was that kind of asexual. Then maybe he'd be able to keep a partner, wouldn't be alone. He wouldn't be so afraid of what people wanted from him (because he would have been able to give Jihun what he wanted willingly back then). He wouldn't be tossed away and discarded when they realized that he couldn't give it to them. Maybe he'd be good enough, worth keeping around.
And instantly, he felt ashamed of himself for thinking those things. Fuck that. He remembered what Taehyung said to him. Separate the voices. That was not his own voice telling him those things.
He found himself typing, adding onto the end of the verse. 'I can't believe myself. Words I said thousands of times to myself only, don't leave me.'
Namjoon raised an eyebrow, an invitation to explain. "I don't speak the language..." He gestured to Namjoon's lyrics and trailed off, but the other still seemed to get it. "I find ways to hate myself when people walk away, like it's my fault that they can't accept me the way I am. Like it's my fault that I am the way I am." He shook his head. "I shock myself sometimes. I know better."
"Internalized acephobia is a bitch." Namjoon was smart that way, understood what Yoongi was trying to say a little better than he himself did at times.
This is familiar territory, Yoongi thought. Brainstorming with Namjoon. Being honest with him. Being understood by him without ever having to fully explain himself.
They worked on the lyrics for a while more. Seokjin came to their table with refills when their drinks got low. "On the house," he said with a sly smile, thinking he was playing cupid and prolonging the "date" that probably to him looked like it was going well. Seokjin could think whatever he wanted if Yoongi got free coffee out of the deal.
Then they talked more about everything and anything. At one point, Namjoon brought up a book he'd recently read, one about a polyamorous couple that he said was written quite nicely. "What do you think about that, hyung?"
"What? Polyamory?" Yoongi asked, taken a little off guard. Namjoon nodded, looking nervous to hear his opinion as if he'd just asked Yoongi if he would skydive with him and if Yoongi said no, he'd have to do it by himself. "From what I understand, it takes a lot of effort and good communication. Then again, all relationships do. I imagine the biggest struggle is probably avoiding jealousy between those involved," he mused, tasting his coffee. It was black with five sugars, his usual. Seokjin said the order was fitting for him, that it looked deceivingly bitter to anyone on the outside, but was actually very sweet.
"And personally?" Namjoon wondered. "You don't strike me as the jealous type. Would you ever consider joining a poly relationship?"
"Sure, if I ever get lucky enough to find multiple people who accept me as I am, let alone one." Yoongi shrugged. "I have a lot of love to give."
Namjoon smiled at his answer, dimples flaunted. He seemed relieved. Yoongi weirdly felt like he just passed some sort of test.
He shrugged off the feeling and told Namjoon about Queer Ink: A Blotted History Towards Liberation, which he'd only just gotten around to actually reading.
[January 24th, 2021]
Yoongi wasn't known for being clumsy. Usually he was quite careful, but he was a little behind on his work lately and a bit distracted by the thoughts of everything he needed to have done by the end of the day. He was just coming back to his studio from his shortened lunch break (he wouldn't have taken one at all, but he'd deemed it necessary to step outside to smoke before his head exploded) when he bumped into someone, hard enough to jolt him out of his stress-induced daze.
"Oh! Sorry, I-" And then Yoongi saw who it was that he collided with. Peach grace and wounded swans pushed their way to the front of his mind and he was surprised to be seeing the ballet instructor in the entertainment building. "Jimin-ah? What the hell are you doing here?"
"Nice to see you too, hyung," Jimin giggled and opened the tote bag that was slung over his shoulder to reveal containers of packed homemade food, like he'd once stocked Yoongi's fridge with. "Came to eat lunch with Joonie." He pointed somewhere behind Yoongi and he turned and saw Namjoon locking up what he now called the Rkive.
"Oh, of course." He felt stupid for even asking. Obviously, Jimin would visit his boyfriend (why was he hoping that Jimin was there to see him too?) and obviously Jimin would be the kind of person to make food and surprise his partner with lunch.
"Hey, you wanna know a secret about Joon?" Yes the fuck Yoongi did. He nodded eagerly. "He's a little obsessed with you. He talks about you all the time. 'Hyung is such a genius,'" Jimin made his voice lower to imitate Namjoon's and Yoongi found himself both thoroughly endeared by the dancer and flattered that he was apparently talked about in such a nice light by the younger producer even when he wasn't around to bear witness to the praise. "'Hyung's music is unbelievable, Minnie! You should hear what he's working on now!'"
Namjoon joined them just in time to hear his boyfriend's impersonation of him. His face burned and he rolled his eyes, but still wrapped an arm around Jimin's small waist and greeted him with a kiss on the cheek. "Why would you tell hyung I think that? It'll go to his head," he teased and Yoongi scrunched up his nose in mock ire. As if Namjoon didn't already tell him every chance he got how highly he thought of his work. "Maybe he should know how you talk about him. 'Oh, Hyung's so thoughtful! He composed more music for me to choreograph to! He came to the studio again today and looked so cute and cuddly in his big sweater.'" If Jimin's impersonation of Namjoon was funny, Namjoon's imitation of Jimin was downright hilarious and completely inaccurate, much too high pitched and nasally.
Jimin shrugged, not offended by the voice Namjoon assigned to him in the least, but looking rather fond. "As if I care. Why wouldn't I want Yoongi hyung to know how cute he is?" He asked and, was Yoongi imagining things, or did Jimin just give him a once over?
Was this...flirting? What the hell shifted?
They must know that I've been crushing over them. Why else would they be trying so hard to fluster me? Yoongi wondered and when Jimin and Namjoon broke off into laughter, he realized what the actual fuck he just said out loud. Is it possible to die from embarrassment? Because Yoongi was sure he was about to. "Oh, God. I'm sorry. It's stress. It makes me say crazy things."
"Don't worry. In case it wasn't obvious, hyung, we both fell head over heels over you too," Jimin admitted this through his laughter and winked playfully, but somehow, he didn't seem like he was joking around the way he appeared to be. Yoongi found himself blushing harder than he already was. "We should all eat lunch together sometime," Jimin suggested and Yoongi couldn't do anything but nod dumbly in agreement, much too embarrassed to trust himself to say anything else, even a simple 'Yes please.'
[January 29th, 2021]
'The more you look, the cuter I get. It drives you crazy. I surpass your preferences and standards. You end up only wanting me. Since you're the one who made me, I'm a brand new filter that you've never seen before. Entrust yourself to me.'
"This is different," Yoongi said after listening to Namjoon's demo. The man's voice was shaky and weak as it maneuvered the higher range of the song. Namjoon wasn't a vocalist and Yoongi learned he was rather self-conscious about his singing. Not that he couldn't sing if he gained some confidence and sang in a lower register because Yoongi believed that he definitely could. Yoongi also learned that, for Namjoon, there was something pretty intimate about sharing demos like this, sharing a rough version of his music with his own voice as a guide. "Very sexy. It's in a high key. Did a female artist commission you to write this?"
Namjoon shook his head. "I wrote this one for fun. I wanted Jimin to sing over the track."
Yoongi's eyes widened. Full of surprises, the both of them. "He sings too? No wait, better question. He can reach these notes?"
"Effortlessly in the shower," Namjoon chuckled, got this derpy enamored look on his face and Yoongi wanted the kind of love that they had. "I thought it would also be fun for him to dance to. He pulls sexy concepts off so well."
That was easy to believe. Jimin was the kind of person that could bring men, women, and everyone in between to their knees. Yoongi thought about the confidence he saw in Jimin at the club those months ago, the boldness he was seeing more and more lately when Jimin wanted to show him a dance he's been working on. He was... seductive, to say the least. If Yoongi was even the littlest bit allo, he wouldn't stand a chance against Park Jimin. Who was he kidding? He didn't stand a chance against Park Jimin even as a sex-repulsed ace.
"But he's also got this duality. He's very cute."
And Yoongi knew that too, had been a victim of his cute side way too many times to count, absolutely melting whenever the younger looked at him with large puppy eyes or called him 'Yoonie hyung' with that sweet voice.
"Anyway, I wanted to tell you something exciting."
[February 1st, 2021]
"You should have seen his face when he was telling me about his promotion, Hob-ah. He was so happy." If Yoongi closed his eyes, he could still see the way Namjoon's lit up when he'd shared his news with him. "He's been working so hard these last few months... Can you believe he didn't think he deserved it?"
"You talk about him a lot," Hoseok noted, sipping at his tea like that damned Kermit the frog meme. But that's none of my business. Yoongi had forgotten about his own coffee, too into the stories he'd been catching Hoseok up on. It was cold now.
Hoseok had been busy with his dance studio over the last few weeks so when he'd called Yoongi to ask if he wanted to meet at Seokjin's café, Yoongi was glad they would get to have some quality time together. Admittedly, he was using up a lot of that time to talk about Namjoon. He blinked though, like he didn't know what Hoseok was implying. "I spend a large portion of my day holed up in a studio with him. Of course I'm going to talk about him often."
"Come on!" Hoseok groaned impatiently. "Don't do this, the whole denial thing. It's just sad. I know you well enough to be able to tell when you're falling for somebody." (Yoongi found that just the littlest bit ironic since Hoseok was clueless all those years ago when he was the one being crushed on). "As your best friend, I demand a little honesty."
Yoongi sank into his chair in defeat. He drank the rest of his now iced coffee. It wouldn't matter what he said, Hoseok would be able to see through it. No way out of this corner. "Fine. I like him a lot. It's whatever though because as I've already mentioned countless times, he's in a committed relationship with someone just as fucking swoon-worthy as he is."
"Swoon-worthy?" The younger man whistled, impressed. "Fuck. That's a code red in Yoongi crush descriptors. You do have it bad for him."
Yoongi rolled his eyes. "In case you didn't hear me two seconds ago, he's taken. By Jimin. How much I like him is irrelevant."
Of course Seokjin chose then to pop over to their table to bring them refills. He pulled up a seat from the table next to theirs and sat down. "How much you like who, Yoongi-yah?"
"His coworker!" Hoseok filled Jin in on the gossip he always so badly wanted to be a part of before Yoongi had the chance to say, 'No one.' "Sorry, his taken coworker who apparently is swoon-worthy because he has a pretty smile with dimples so deep you could drown in them, the biggest heart in the world, a profound way with words, and more intelligence in his pinky finger than the average person has in their entire body." He glanced at Yoongi for his approval. "Was that all or am I forgetting something?"
"Whatever," Yoongi grumbled. He didn't even remember saying most of that to Hoseok, but all of it was true. He tried to change the subject. "How's Jimin doing with all the recital preparation?" The upcoming recital was why Hoseok was so busy these last few weeks. It was still a few months away, but he was dedicating a lot of time and effort to make sure it would run smoothly and be a success. Hoseok did all the preparation by himself in prior years, but this year, Jimin was doing his best to take as much work as possible off of Hoseok's plate. Hoseok was grateful for the help of course, but was a bit of a control freak and had a hard time letting some responsibilities go.
Seokjin looked at Hoseok for an explanation. "My ballet instructor. Another one of Yoongi's taken crushes."
Jin took a sip of Yoongi's refilled coffee. He did that sometimes, helped himself to the drinks they purchased. (‘Need to make sure it's not too hot for you. Don't want you burning your tongue,’ he'd say. Or, ‘just wanted to make sure I made it right.’) "You have a type, huh?"
"So how's he doing with the preparations?" Yoongi repeated himself, hoping they would drop it, but his friends apparently didn't feel like taking mercy on him that day.
"It gets better." Hoseok smirked at Yoongi. "You wanna tell him, hyung, or can I?"
"Tell him what?" Yoongi panicked.
"These crushes are dating each other and he let it slip the other day that he likes them both." Hoseok held up his finger to stop Seokjin from interrupting with the squeal he no doubt wanted to release. "Jimin said he told him they like him too."
Seokjin gasped and Yoongi wanted to smack his head on the table. Fuck his life. Why did Jimin and Hoseok have to work together and talk? "Jimin told you what happened and you pretended that you knew I liked Joon just because you 'know me well enough to be able to tell when I'm falling for someone?' Deception at its finest."
"Hey, it's not deception. I do know you well enough to know that you're in love with them."
"I'm not in love with them!" Yoongi denied.
"Wait, wait," Seokjin interjected. "Can we go back to the whole ‘they literally told you that they like you too’ thing?"
"It's nothing. They were laughing while he said it." Yoongi shook his head dismissively. "It was probably just a joke. Or they pitied me for accidentally telling them I like them and Jimin just said that to try to make me feel better about humiliating myself in front of them. Or he was just being flirty because he's like that sometimes. Or they were trying to fluster me even more than I already was for their entertainment." Those were the logical explanations Yoongi came up with to excuse Jimin's comment when he let himself think about it, which he was letting himself do more often than was probably healthy. "Don't you dare read into this more than that because then I might and I don't want to set myself up for disappointment."
"But Yoongi," Jin took a deep breath, trying to conceal his excitement, but failing miserably. "What would you do if he was serious?"
Yoongi didn't know. What do you do when the two amazing people you were so sure were off limits tell you that they have feelings for you too? Nope. Don't get your hopes up, Min Yoongi.
[February 14th, 2021]
Jimin once again came to visit Namjoon for lunch with a tote bag full of homemade food (because this week had been such a busy one that they needed to put in a little extra work over the weekend. It happened sometimes.) This time, he packed enough for an extra person.
Namjoon didn't bother knocking on Yoongi's door anymore. He usually just slipped in quietly enough that Yoongi wouldn't be disturbed or interrupted in the middle of whatever he was working on.
When Yoongi saved his project and slipped off his headphones, he turned around expecting only Namjoon, but was pleasantly surprised. There was also Park Jimin, sitting delicately as ever on his couch next to his boyfriend, legs crossed and hands folded neatly over his lap. Ever the poised swan. Jimin greeted him with one of his lovely smiles that had Yoongi's heart racing every time he saw it. "We brought you some lunch. Eat with us please?" He asked, as if Yoongi could say no to someone that cute.
So they ate together in Yoongi's studio and chatted. Yoongi learned that Jimin was the one who cooked because Namjoon was deemed 'a danger in the kitchen.' That, and the homemade food Jimin brought with him was a testament to his skills. Apparently, his father owned a restaurant back in Busan that Jimin had spent his teen years working at and he'd picked up quite a few tricks.
Yoongi also learned that Jimin was the one who made the first move. Before landing a job at Hope World, he worked at a greenhouse, one that Namjoon frequented. ("He's a plant enthusiast. You should see our apartment, hyung. It's like a jungle.") He thought Joon was handsome ("He is," Yoongi agreed, but didn't realize he once again said so out loud until Jimin started giggling and Namjoon turned shy and red), and struck up a few conversations. He quickly figured out that Namjoon was not only handsome, but really kind and incredibly smart, which Jimin said made him a thousand times more attractive to him than he already thought he was.
Namjoon wasn't very receptive to Jimin's flirting though ("In my defense, I didn't even know you were hitting on me!" "How's that in your defense? That makes you look silly because I was so obvious about it!"), so Jimin spent a few weeks frustrated out of his mind with Namjoon's mixed messages before he eventually got fed up and told him as bluntly as he could, "I can't tell if you're oblivious to the fact that I like you or just not interested in me, but I'd really like to date you. Do I have a chance with you or what?" Namjoon claims to have said something along the lines of, "I'd like that. Want to take a walk together after work?" Jimin swears Namjoon stammered for a good five minutes before he was able to actually piece together that was what he was trying to ask.
Yoongi didn't need to tell them about his horrible track record with relationships. Both already knew he had bad luck finding a partner who'd be willing to stick around. Both knew he was currently taking a break from dating.
He instead told them about his friends, told them about how he'd met each of them and how much they loved him and supported him, and he told them the stories of how they'd paired up. "All of your friends getting involved romantically when your dating life is a train wreck doesn't sound great, but it's actually nice most of the time. I love romance so watching them all fall in love with each other... They make each other happy and that makes me happy. It's kind of like living vicariously. Having couples like them around, like you two, who obviously care so deeply about each other, I don't know... It keeps me believing in love."
Namjoon and Jimin looked at each other before breaking into smiles. Yoongi knew, whatever it was that they tried to say with their eyes, they understood each other perfectly.
Yoongi only noticed that the two chose to waste time with him that they could have just spent together on Valentine's day when he got home and saw romance specials were running on the television. He watched sappy, feel-good movies until around one in the morning, when he fell asleep on his couch.
[February 28th, 2021]
It was one of the Saturdays that Yoongi went to Hope World after the morning classes were through to watch Jimin practice his own routines. They'd made a habit of walking together afterwards - Jimin's idea, as if he needed more exercise after dealing with a room full of children and then dancing for an additional half an hour. Yoongi wasn't one for unnecessary exercise, but he was down for anything the younger wanted to do if it meant that they could chat for longer. He loved spending time with Jimin.
It snowed just last week, but the three inches Seoul got was already mostly melted. Winter still clung to the air though and Yoongi was thankful for his heavy coat. He hated the cold, but it was worth being out in if it meant extra time to talk with the ballet teacher. He pretended he didn't mind it.
Jimin pulled a pack of straights from his bag and offered one to Yoongi who gladly accepted (nothing like something unhealthy to counteract the exercise). Jimin took one for himself and brought his lighter to life. "You know, Joon really hates this." He laughed a little, took a drag anyways. Jimin was one of those people who could make even a gross habit like smoking look pretty. Yoongi was sure he himself wasn't one of those people. Not that it mattered what he looked like doing it. He didn't smoke for the aesthetics. "I hate it too. He tried to help me quit, but you know that's a lot easier said than done."
Yoongi nodded. Hoseok and Seokjin tried to get him to quit many times over the course of their friendship. The problem was that they weren't always around to smack the cigarettes out of Yoongi's hands and Yoongi didn't care enough about the effects they had on his health to be his own moral compass. "If you hate it so much, why'd you start?"
"Honestly?" Jimin didn't look at him when he answered. Sometimes it was easier to admit difficult things when you didn't have to meet someone else's eyes. Yoongi knew this very well. "I couldn't naturally lose the weight my dance instructor wanted me to in high school. Back then, I thought it was better to starve and ruin my lungs than to be flabby on stage. Now, I see myself in old pictures and, hyung, I wasn't even fat." Yoongi pictured a younger, more impressionable Jimin growing up with crappy teachers that thought it was acceptable to body shame, imagined him learning to hate what he saw in the mirror even though he was probably perfectly in shape from hours upon hours spent dancing. He felt angry. Jimin chuckled again though, no humor behind the sound whatsoever. "If I could go back, I would have eaten three full meals a day and never taken up smoking because it just wasn't worth it. I never even made it to a stage that mattered."
"How come?" Yoongi pried, wanting to know what had prevented Jimin from performing when he was as awe-inspiring as he was in the studio. Namjoon told him a little bit of the story already, but Yoongi wasn't anything if not curious.
"It was a lot of pressure. I love dancing, but I wasn't made for the kind of stress I was put under. I passed out during my senior showcase performance and cracked. Had, like, a full blown mental breakdown. It was awful. Ended up being admitted to rehab for my eating disorder. After that, I decided I needed a break. I moved here, away from Busan, and worked at that plant nursery for a few years. It was the calmest environment I could think of. Now, you know, I'm in a good place. I'm doing what I love and trying to teach children how I wish I was taught, - with a little more care and compassion."
Yoongi found himself once again so amazed by Park Jimin, his big heart and resilience. "You're incredible, you know that?"
The younger blushed, Yoongi thought he did anyways. The pink tint to his skin could have been caused by the chill of February, but somehow he doubted that it could be credited to weather entirely. "So you've told me."
"It's the truth."
Jimin cleared his throat and put the conversational focus onto Yoongi instead. "What about you?" He asked. "What made you start?"
Yoongi flicked his ashes away and shrugged, not really knowing what to say, but not wanting to be dishonest after Jimin had gotten so personal with him. "It's good stress relief. I found that smoking calmed me down after panic attacks." He didn't recount everything for Jimin, just like he couldn't recount everything for Hoseok or Namjoon even though he wanted to, but he let him in just enough to show that he could extend to Jimin the same amount of trust that Jimin had shown him.
Even when he was vague about describing his first relationship and what had caused it to end, even when he tried to stay emotionless and detached from his words, it never really seemed to get easier to talk about. It was a memory he only shared with a few select people, but each time the story left his lips, Yoongi made sure to craft it carefully, substituting certain words to make what happened sound just a little better than it actually was. Saying he was 'held tightly' instead of 'pinned down,' that his clothes were 'taken off' instead of 'torn away." Using the phrases 'pushed boundaries' instead of 'no consent,’ 'pressured' instead of 'forced,' and 'violated' instead of 'raped.' In a small, insignificant way, it felt like he could rewrite the past by using different language. Like he could maybe keep people from pitying him as much as he knew they would if he didn't take this tiny bit of artistic license.
He never painted the bloody, painful details that still plagued his nightmares.
Jimin saw through what he was doing though, his face tightening more and more with uneasiness as Yoongi talked. "Fuck, that's so messed up. People can be downright evil." Yoongi found himself agreeing with the sentiment. Jimin's hand slipped into his as they walked. It felt warm against the nippy air. He gave Yoongi's fingers a little squeeze, but nothing about the gesture said that he pitied him. Instead, it came across more like, 'I'm here to support you.'
Yoongi stopped walking. Maybe he didn't care enough about what smoking did to him to stop, but he cared a lot about Jimin. He could support Jimin too. He let his cigarette fall to the sidewalk and stepped on it to put it out. "Jimin, let's quit together."
Jimin looked at him like he was crazy for a moment before he was suddenly smiling widely, showcasing his crooked front tooth for Yoongi to admire. He dropped his cigarette too.
[March 9th, 2021]
Spring bloomed. It was Yoongi's birthday. He checked his phone when he woke up and saw that he had about a hundred text notifications from his friends. They spammed him with happy birthday wishes every year. He smiled at the dumb gifs and emojis that littered their group chat. They wanted to celebrate with him later and suggested going out. Yoongi wasn't really up for that. He countered with something more low key. Beer and games at his place. Jungkook and Taehyung sent grandpa emojis and maybe Yoongi deserved it, but he'd always rather be surrounded by his small group of close friends than a hundred strangers in a club. Despite their teasing, Tae still offered to bring the beer.
Yoongi had a text from his mother too, as usual.
28! Another year closer to 30, Yoongi. Find a nice girl to settle down with yet? I want more grandkids. XOXO, Mom.
He sighed and sent her a response. Nope, no nice boys either.
She sent another text after a few minutes. Hm, you know how I feel about that... still haven't grown out of that phase?
Guess not. Maybe next year. He sent a shrugging emoji with that. It didn't matter how many times he told her it wasn't a phase, didn't matter how many times he'd pointed out that if it was a phase, he probably would have already grown out of it by now seeing that he was almost 30 as she liked to remind him. It didn't change anything. She'd never accept him as he was and he couldn't keep clinging to the hope that she someday would.
He supposed he should be grateful. At least his mother still talked to him after he came out, even if it was only to nag him about being alone and getting older.
She was right about one thing though. He was only two years away from being 30 and had the same success rate with relationships as a toddler would have performing open heart surgery. Yoongi wondered if he'd ever be able to settle down or if he'd still be dating around well into his 30's, 40's, 50's... Would he completely give up on finding love or die of old age first?
He needed a cigarette. There was still a pack in the drawer of his bedside table and he was tempted to dig it out, but then he thought of Jimin and how they promised to quit together. He resisted the urge.
Sort through the voices, his mind supplied in a way that was uncharacteristically helpful. Well, okay. That was Taehyung's voice in his head. Are those your worries or your mothers?
He was surprised when he went into work that day; Namjoon strung streamers and balloons up in his studio. It cheered him up even more when Namjoon knocked on the doorframe and acted like he had no idea who could have decorated, as if he wasn't the only other person Yoongi trusted with the code to his studio. (If that didn't speak wonders to how highly Yoongi thought of him, what would?) Namjoon was a very bad actor and it made Yoongi laugh.
Namjoon took his mind off of aging and off of the things that aging meant to him. No, to his mother, he corrected himself. They worked on one of Yoongi's projects until they were proud of the production and by then, it was almost time to go home.
The evening rolled around and Yoongi greeted his friends. Taehyung dropped the promised beer onto the counter and Hoseok handed Yoongi a pink box. It wasn't wrapped, so he opened it. There were four strawberry cupcakes inside. "Jimin sent them with me to give to you," Hoseok explained with a wink that Yoongi ignored. "Said he baked them himself."
Yoongi sent a thank you text to Jimin. Jimin replied quickly, asking if he and Joon could treat Yoongi to brunch on Saturday after his morning class, like the cupcakes and Namjoon's decorations weren't treat enough. Yoongi agreed because he wasn't one to ever give up an opportunity to hang out with the two. He always enjoyed the time he spent with them both.
His friends had gifts for him too. Seokjin brought the same gag gift he gave Yoongi every year - a pack of flavored condoms (which Yoongi always threw right back at him with an eye roll and Seokjin pocketed 'for later'). Jungkook stepped forward with Yoongi's real gift from them. A new leather bound journal for him to write his lyrics in. Hoseok and Taehyung got him his own weighted blanket because he unsuccessfully tried to steal the one they own.
The rest of the night was really nice. When Mario Kart got too competitive and nearly resulted in Seokjin throwing a Wii controller through the television, the group settled for games no one could get hurt playing. Poker betting M&Ms, charades that Yoongi and Hoseok had an unfair advantage in because they'd been friends the longest and could practically read each other's minds, and draw and guess which had everyone laughing at Yoongi's (nonexistent) art skills.
Yoongi felt warm and happy, much better than he'd felt that morning. And maybe some of that had to do with the beer in his belly, but most of it had to do with his company. Spending time with people he cared about and who cared about him did that to him, put him in a good mood. It was hard to focus on the things he felt like he was missing out on in life when he had such great friends who made his life seem full.
After it got late and his friends had to head home, Yoongi sat down with one of Jimin's cupcakes. He had another text from his mother about how he might be interested in their neighbor's daughter, who was also in the entertainment industry and how she could set up a date for him if he wanted. He didn't bother to reply. Instead, he sent a text to Jimin about how delicious the cupcakes were.
28. Only two more years until he turned 30. At this point in his life, he was successful in his career and doing what he loved. He was financially stable and living in a decent place. He had people who loved him. These were things he was grateful for. His mother could think what she wanted, that his life wouldn't have real meaning or that he wouldn't find true happiness until he found some girl who could give him a family.
Yoongi was quite spiteful when it came to his parents. When they told him they wanted him to study hard and become an architect or lawyer or something, he'd taught himself piano and music theory and got a full ride to study music at an art school in Seoul. When his father said he would be cut off if he pursued something so pointless, he got a job as a producer and learned to support himself. When his mother asked when he would finally bring a girl home for them to meet over the holidays, he shocked them and brought a boy. When that resulted in his father telling him he wasn't his son anymore, Yoongi decided he'd keep that in mind for when his father got older and needed someone to move back home to take care of him.
So his mother could nag him all she wanted. Yoongi could find meaning in other things. He could find happiness in his own way and in his own time. Right now, he'd find happiness in this strawberry dessert. This was what felt good to him at the moment.
[March 13th, 2021]
They went to a quaint little diner for brunch. It was mostly empty except for an older man who was drinking coffee and eating toast at a counter seat. The three of them claimed a booth in the back of the room, Jimin and Namjoon sitting across from Yoongi. They made small talk about work and the weather with him as they ate, which was... very odd since they didn't usually bother with small talk anymore. There was an awkwardness between them that Yoongi wasn't used to feeling around the two men, this tension that put him a little on edge. Had he offended them somehow? Yoongi needed to ask. "You're both being weird today. What's wrong? Did I do something?"
"Hyung, no, you haven't done anything," Jimin assured him. The smaller man looked over at Namjoon, made eye contact with him like he was giving silent moral support and grabbed his boyfriend's hand over the table.
Namjoon took a breath like he was trying to calm his nerves and now Yoongi definitely felt anxious too. "Okay. It's just, we've been meaning to talk to you a bit about how our relationship works. Only if you'd be comfortable talking about it, that is."
Yoongi wasn't sure why. Why they wanted to talk to him about their relationship or why he was so curious, that is, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't. He'd wondered a lot about Namjoon's asexuality and Jimin's allosexuality and how they'd made their differences work so well for them over the last two and a half years that they've been together. Maybe if he knew how they did it, he'd be able to make something work for himself. So he nodded for them to continue, permission for them to tell him anything they wanted to share.
"Jimin and I are, uhm, sexually intimate," Namjoon confessed bluntly. No use beating around the bush, but he was turning red even as he said it. Yoongi already gathered that from some of Namjoon's lyrics though. "I personally feel disconnected from arousal and sex. I'm mostly indifferent to participating myself, but I do get pleasure from making Jimin feel good. There are times that I don't want to be directly involved though, where I'm more in the mood to just sit on the sidelines and watch him, or him and someone else. You know?"
Yoongi nodded. "Placiosexual or aegosexual?" he took his guesses at Namjoon's micro-label with the new information he had.
"Maybe somewhere between the two." Namjoon shrugged like he never thought about what word he'd use to describe his attraction. "Throw demi and cupio into the mix and I think that kind of sums up my experience, but it's a hell of a lot easier to just say that I'm ace." So he did think about it then. Yoongi got the sense that Namjoon didn't care much for micro-labels. That was fair for someone with a more complex identity like his. They could be limiting sometimes in that way.
Not that Yoongi thought his own micro-labels limited him (he was limited enough without any labels). He personally liked his labels. They made describing how he felt easy, one word that wrapped his entire sexuality up with a tidy little bow for those who were willing to do a bit of research and learning. And using a pre-existing label meant that there were other people out there who also associated themselves with the title, who felt the same way that he did. That meant that he wasn't alone or screwed up.
"Anyway, we have a system for the occasional times when other people get involved," Namjoon explained. "Never raw, for both safety and intimacy factors. No kissing. No sleeping with the same person twice and no strings or feelings attached. All Jimin's ideas, to assure me that at the end of the day, I'm still the person he loves and because he feels more comfortable that way."
Jimin piped in on his own behalf. "Even though it's something Joonie wants, it'd feel like cheating to me if there were any feelings involved." Yoongi understood why the rules were important to them. They separated their sexual gratification involving strangers from their emotional intimacy which they reserved for themselves. "That's why I was at that club the night we met," he added. Ah. So Yoongi hadn't misread his flirty signals then after all. "Looking for a casual hookup with someone who'd be into a little exhibitionism, which is a lot easier than you might expect."
Yoongi didn't doubt it. He cracked a playful smile. "Sorry you got stuck talking to me for a few hours instead of getting laid."
"Don't be. I'm glad I met you." Jimin returned one in that way that made his eyes look brighter. "Don't get the wrong idea though. I don't just sleep around whenever. It's only ever when Joon is present and when he suggests it in the first place so don't think I use his preferences as an excuse just to mess around and be unfaithful to him."
Yoongi remembered what Namjoon's parents called Jimin. It was no wonder he was immediately defensive about their arrangement, but of course Yoongi didn't think that. How could he when he'd witnessed first hand how in love both Jimin and Namjoon were with each other? How could he when he'd sat in a club and listened to Jimin talk for two straight hours about how much he adored Namjoon? He knew Jimin would never overstep like that, would never do anything without Namjoon being completely on board. He cared way too much about his boyfriend to hurt him in any way.
"Don't get me wrong. I appreciate both of you being open with me and I was wondering how you made it work, you know, being allo and ace... but why are you telling me all of this?" Yoongi finally asked, feeling lost in the conversation, but like he was supposed to already know where this was going. "I'm assuming you two don't just like to overshare for no reason, so what does any of this have to do with me?"
Another glance was exchanged and silent words of encouragement were passed between the two. "Well, we wanted to tell you how our relationship works," Namjoon said, "because we hoped you'd like to be a part of it."
Jimin reached for Yoongi's hand to hold across the table too now and Yoongi let him take it. The other man’s thumb brushed back and forth across his left palm, much lighter than Yoongi usually rubbed it, but it was effective. He wondered if it was coincidental or if Jimin had noticed this self-soothing habit of his. "And if you would, how exactly you might see yourself included, what boundaries you have that we should be aware of."
To say Yoongi malfunctioned would be an understatement. Previous conversations he had with the two flooded his mind and suddenly everything clicked into place. Jimin was serious before. His brain sparked and short-circuited and he wondered if the handful of exes who had compared him to a robot were right after all.
The two men who he'd developed feelings for but thought he had absolutely no chance with were here in front of him, saying that they wanted him to be a part of their relationship. Him. To think that this was exactly the thing he wouldn't let himself hope for. And what was even better was that they were asking him how he wanted his relationship with them to look. They already knew he was ace, knew he had a list of boundaries right off the bat and were ready to respect them. They liked him and wanted to be with him anyways.
"I'm apothisexual," Yoongi reintroduced himself, figuring the two would know what that meant. How could he see himself included in their relationship? "I don't really care if you two have sex or if Jimin sleeps with strangers, though I like the transparency and do value honesty. I wouldn't want to take part in the sexual aspect of the relationship at all. I don't enjoy being touched in ways that feel like it'll lead to more 'cause it makes my skin crawl and I feel gross. I really like cuddles though. I like hugs and kisses and I like being held. And I really like the idea of giving and receiving twice the affection I'm used to, especially if it'd be with you two."
Jimin giggled, that pretty little trill of a sound Yoongi loved and Namjoon flashed one of his deep-dimpled grins that made Yoongi's heart skip several beats. "So that's a yes then?"
Yoongi took a deep breath, feeling a little bit like this was all a dream. "If you both are serious about wanting me to join you, then it's a big fucking yes."
"We're very serious."
Yoongi couldn't have held back his own gummy smile if he wanted to. "Then does this count as our first official date?"
Yoongi didn't tell anyone he was seeing Jimin and Namjoon. Not even Hoseok, who was usually the very first to know about any of his dates.
It wasn't that he wanted to keep Namjoon and Jimin a secret (because what reason would he have for wanting to hide his very beautiful boyfriends?) or that he was afraid of being judged by his friends (because he wasn't ever scared of that), it was that he didn't want to jinx what they had before they even got off the ground. He had a really good feeling about this, real hope that this relationship might actually work out. He hasn't had that in such a long time and he wanted to savor it.
He'd keep this good feeling to himself for a while. Jimin and Namjoon understood. Of course they did. They were the most caring, wonderfully understanding people in existence.
So far, the relationship itself was going well. Better than well. Namjoon and Jimin were so good to him and were considerate in every way. It was amazing, being with people who actually put in the effort to understand him and his needs instead of solely focusing on themselves and their own, who cared about him enough to make sure that he was comfortable with them at all times. They let him set the level of affection he was alright with and followed his lead. It was refreshing, not being dragged or lured out of his comfort zone in a relationship.
Jimin and Namjoon were also very good at keeping open communication. They spoke honestly with him about anything and everything. And every concern he voiced, they took the time to sit down with him and ease his worries.
"Neither of you feel like I'm intruding here? You've been together for so long, it must be strange to suddenly have to include another person into a relationship you've already established."
"No, hyung. You're not an intruder in your own relationship. Forget how long Jimin and I were together before. This, what we all have together, is something new being established. We're figuring it out together."
"Am I cock-blocking? Date nights before probably ended in more than just cuddles. I can leave earlier whenever you two feel like... you know."
"You're not a cock-block. Date nights are for all of us and we want to spend that time with you doing things that make everyone happy."
"But you and Joon haven't stopped sleeping together or, uhm, with other people since I joined your relationship, have you? Because like I said, that doesn't bother me at all and I really don't want to drive any stakes into what you guys had going on."
"Once again, hyung. This is your relationship too now. But, yes, to answer your question, we're still having sex with each other. We'd talk to you if we wanted to involve someone else though because you said you appreciated transparency and honesty when we asked you out."
Being friends that could talk easily before dating helped. Yoongi felt like he could bring up all of his anxieties to Jimin and Namjoon, even if they seemed stupid, and the two were patient with him, able to shoot down every bit of apprehension he felt and just make him feel very wanted and accepted.
It was all very... healthy. Yeah. That was something Yoongi wasn't able to say about a relationship before.
[April 7th, 2021]
Hope World put on its recital. The students got to perform the routines they learned in front of their proud families and perhaps prouder teachers. If Yoongi was honest, his eyes trailed away quite often from the dancing children to the place where Jimin stood just off stage. He just looked so happy and bright, eyes curving with his smile as he watched his students' hard work pay off.
Jimin was actually tearing up by the time his kids finished their ballet showcase. Yoongi could tell even from his spot in the audience because the younger was doing the same thing he did when they watched sad parts in movies, where he put his hand over his mouth to hide his trembling bottom lip and blinked a lot to keep the tears from falling.
After the show, when parents were reuniting with their children to congratulate them and take them home, Yoongi and Namjoon found Jimin at the front of the auditorium, hugged him and handed him the bouquet of flowers they picked out for him before the event as a 'Congratulations on organizing your first showcase!' gesture. When they each placed a peck to Jimin's lips, Yoongi could feel Hoseok's knowing eyes on him. He looked over at his friend and smiled shyly, feeling a little guilty over still not having told him outright. Hoseok only gave him a thumbs up and then put his index finger to his lips. A secret between them for now. This news wouldn't be passed to Tae to pass to Jungkook to pass to Seokjin yet. Yoongi loved Hoseok.
[May 21st, 2021]
"It's getting late," Yoongi noticed when Namjoon yawned. It was one of those Friday nights where Yoongi went to his boyfriends' apartment after work, where he helped Jimin with dinner while Namjoon watered his plants and did a quick exercise and then they all snuggled up on the couch after eating to binge watch one of Jimin's animes. It was probably around 3 in the morning, if he had to guess the time based on the number of episodes they watched and the heaviness of his own eyes. "I should probably head home before I'm too tired to drive."
"Or," Jimin looked up at him with those big, glittering puppy eyes. "You could stay."
"And sleep on the couch?" Yoongi nodded, it would be preferable to driving home. "Yeah, alright."
"Or," Jimin reiterated, rolled his eyes, "You could sleep with us."
"Just sleep, obviously," Namjoon clarified further. "If you aren't comfortable with that though, we do have have a guest bed we can sleep in and you can take our room. The mattress is nicer."
Yoongi realized that he didn't need to think twice about it. With people he dated before, he always worried about ulterior motives, even if they promised they only wanted to sleep the same way Namjoon specified. With any of them, he would have declined and gone to his own apartment just because he was too anxious to share a bed with someone else. With Namjoon and Jimin, there was a trust he hasn't had before. He knew for a fact that he would be safe with them and that they would always make sure he was comfortable with them. "No, that's okay. I'd like that."
They gave him some clothes he could sleep in and a spare toothbrush, saying that could be his for whenever he stayed over in the future. He changed quickly in the locked bathroom, washed his face and brushed his teeth. Jimin and Namjoon left their bedroom door open for him, but he knocked on the doorframe anyways to make his presence known. Yoongi was told he didn't need to do that. He entered their room to see Namjoon humming as he combed the gel out of his hair, Jimin changing his nicotine patch. His heart melted a little bit at the domesticity of the scene, at the fact that he was wearing Namjoon's shirt which was about three sizes too big for him and Jimin's sweat pants that hugged his waist well.
Their bed was full sized and the three of them had to squish themselves together in order to fit, but Yoongi thought it was perfect. Laying between his boyfriends like this, pressed tightly enough against them that he could feel their hearts beating, he felt happy. Really happy.
He woke up the next morning to Namjoon's snores and to Jimin singing in the shower, voice as angelic and soft through the walls as Namjoon said it was. He was singing Usher's Caught Up.
[June 12th, 2021]
Kim Seokjin was the single most dramatic person in the universe, but that's kind of what Yoongi was counting on.
When Yoongi came into Epiphany, accompanied by Jimin and Namjoon, he ordered for all three of them while they went to find them a table. They got coffee together often enough that he knew their orders by heart. "Hyung," Yoongi started. "Turns out you were right."
Seokjin didn't look up from the coffee he was making. Well, it wasn't really coffee. Jimin's white chocolate mocha with nonfat milk, hot fudge syrup drizzle, whipped cream, and sprinkles contained way more sugar in it than caffeine. ("It has nonfat milk in it, hyung. It's healthy." That's what Jimin told him the first time he ordered it and well, Yoongi couldn't argue with that logic or with his boyfriend's cute, crescent eyes as he smiled happily into his cup of liquid diabetes.) "When am I not, bitch? You'll have to be more specific."
Yoongi leaned over the counter like he was sharing a secret with the barista, even though he wasn't keeping his relationship on the down low any more. "Jimin was serious about him and Namjoon having feelings for me too." He couldn't keep himself from beaming as he said it, not that he even attempted to. "We're dating now, the three of us."
Glass shattered and Jimin's mocha spilled all over the floor. "Fuck! Yoongi, you can't just spring that kind of exciting news on me! Tell me everything!"
Yoongi filled him in while Seokjin wiped up the spill and made a new coffee. He trusted that Jin wouldn't be able to keep the gossip to himself. By Yoongi's calculations, he would be getting spammed with messages in the group chat faster than he could even take a seat at the table Jimin and Namjoon picked out.
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Look at Yoongi out on a little date with his TWO FUCKING BOYFRIENDS THAT HE KEPT SECRET FROM US FOR THREE WHOLE MONTHS! (BTW, I'm pretty sure the beefy one broke a mug here one time.)
OH MY GOD!!!!!! THOSE ARE THE INFAMOUS SWOON-WORTHY NOT SINGLE CRUSHES THAT HYUNG WAS PINING OVER FOR LIKE A YEAR?! THEY'RE HOT. Jungkook added a drooling emoji and the red faced sweating one that's got it's tongue out after his text.
WHAT A SURPRISE !!!1!1!!! Hoseok sent the blue faced screaming emoji with its hands on its cheeks. He of course already knew for two of those months. Yoongi was grateful that he didn't tell their other friends when he found out. He gave Yoongi the time he needed to be selfish about his good news. No wonder he's been in a better mood lately XD Teasing from Jung Hoseok was only to be expected.
This is big! You realize we all have to hang out now so we can interrogate them? Tell them to free up their schedules for tomorrow cuz we're having a triple date.
Can you not take pictures of us please? It's creepy, hyung. And stop thirsting over my boyfriends, Kook. Triple date on Sunday is a go. Yoongi sent the message back with a thumbs up emoji and turned his phone off for a while so he could enjoy the little date he was on with his two fucking boyfriends that he kept all to himself for three whole months.
[June 13th, 2021]
It was triple date Sunday, hosted at Seokjin and Jungkook’s place. Jungkook opened the door to greet them and the very first words out of his mouth were, "Wow, thighs."
It was summer, the weather was hot. Yoongi looked down at the shorts Namjoon and Jimin were wearing (he looked only a little silly standing in his long jeans next to them, but he didn’t care about that or the heat) and then up at Joon's red cheeks and Jimin's proud smirk, the natural flirt in him making a cameo when he winked at Jungkook. "Yah! What did I tell you about thirsting over my boyfriends, Jungkook-ah? Don't harass them." Yoongi pushed his way past the younger man (who was apologizing, but whose eyes had yet to leave the muscular legs he was so impressed by) into the apartment and invited his partners to do the same.
Taehyung wasn't kidding when they said Jimin and Namjoon would be interrogated. Yoongi's friends were relentless with the questions.
“Tell us about yourselves.”
“Hyung said you're also ace, Namjoon-ssi. Are you asexual too, Jimin-ssi?”
“Did you guys know how big a crush hyung had on you? He's so obvious, right?”
“How did you all end up finally getting together then?”
“Are you both treating Yoongi right?”
“What are your intentions with him?”
“Are you aware that if you ever hurt hyung, we will end you and no one will ever find your perfect bodies?”
“Wait, who would teach ballet at my studio then, Kook?”
“What are your deepest, darkest fears and most personal secrets?”
Okay, they didn't actually ask that last question, but they might as well have with the way they were grilling Yoongi's poor boyfriends. In fairness to his friends, they had a bunch of catching up to do, but they could have played it just a little, tiny bit cooler. Props to his boyfriends for holding up well under serious interrogation though and for joking their way through the empty threats and personal questions. Yoongi's friends were easily charmed by them, and who wouldn't be? He was dating the sweetest men in the universe.
After the seemingly endless questions were out of the way and some alcohol was brought out, the triple date actually went pretty well. The couples traded stories with each other and everyone was laughing and having a good time. Namjoon and Jimin were quickly adopted into the friend group. It was made official when their numbers were added into the group chat.
At the end of the evening, Seokjin pulled Yoongi aside and ruffled his hair. "Yah, I'm really glad you found these two. Happiness looks good on you."
It felt good on him too.
[June 19th, 2021]
"What's it like dating two people?"
"Pretty sure it depends on the two people you're dating," Yoongi said, trying really hard to focus on the video game. “Lots of variables there.” After months of practice, he was getting better at racing and finally managed to pass Jungkook when he accidentally sped off course and got slowed down by the rough terrain. Yoongi wasn't about to let him win yet again.
"Whatever, hyung. You know what I meant." Jungkook drifted around the corner and passed the person behind Yoongi. Yoongi was determined to hold first place. They only had a quarter of a lap to go, he could do this. "How's the poly life in your experience?"
"It's amazing. You know. Double the love without any sexpectations." Jungkook used a boost and passed him right as he was about to cross the finish line. "Oh, fuck you!" Yoongi wasn't usually a sore loser, but this loss hurt. He threw down his controller. "That was a stolen victory!"
The younger was wearing that stupid, shit-eating grin of his, knowing damn well that he cheated Yoongi out of a win. "All's fair in love and war." He went back to the car customization screen to give himself a handicap and Yoongi nodded approvingly. He'd take any victory he could get against the gamer at this point. "Do you ever feel kinda weird about it?"
"About what?" Yoongi furrowed his eyebrows. "You winning? Because yeah, I feel like you cheat."
"No. About 'double the love with no sexpectations,'" Jungkook clarified, ignoring the insult to his pro-gamer status. "Like, they weren't lacking either sex or love before they started dating you. I think if it were me, I'd constantly be asking myself what I was bringing to their relationship that they didn't already have before."
The thing about Jungkook was that he never meant any harm, but always just said the things on the top of his mind with no filter. The thing about Yoongi was that he had a tendency to overthink and wouldn't be able to get what the boy said out of his head for the rest of the day. Because what did he bring to the table for Namjoon and Jimin that they didn't already have? What about him made them want to open their relationship up to a third person?
"Well, I feel a little weird about it now." Yoongi frowned. They started a new race.
He asked Jimin and Namjoon that night as they got ready for bed because it wasn't a doubt he felt like carrying around. There was a time when Yoongi probably would have said nothing, would have let this eat him up inside until he ruined the good thing he had with his partners. He didn't want to ruin what he had with these two.
Jimin stopped brushing his hair and studied Yoongi through their bedroom mirror. "What do you bring to this relationship that we didn't have before? Where is this coming from?"
Yoongi shrugged, not wanting to tell them it was something Jungkook brought up because they didn't know the younger man well enough yet to know that he didn't always think before he spoke and hadn't meant to make Yoongi insecure. He really should have just brushed the comment off. "Was just wondering."
Namjoon pulled his shirt over his head and handed Yoongi one from Jimin's side of the dresser. "Obviously, you bring yourself, hyung. We didn't have you before."
"But why did you want me?" Yoongi gripped the shirt tightly. He would go change later. "You both had everything you needed in a partner already."
"Why wouldn't we want you?" Jimin was sitting next to him at the edge of the bed now, combing the tangles out of his hair gently for him. "You're genuine and compassionate, so fucking adorable..." Jimin trailed off, put the brush in his lap and reached instead for Yoongi's hand. "Do you have any idea how often we came home from time spent with you just to talk each other's ears off about how perfect you are? Like, it was honestly months that we couldn't get through a single conversation without your name coming up. That was what first made us realize that we were developing feelings, you know? That the more time we both spent with you, we were just... falling in love with everything you are. Just being friends with you wasn't enough for either of us. We had this feeling that you would fit perfectly in our lives as more than that. We were right, it's like you complete us."
"You know we love you, right?" Namjoon was sitting now on the opposite side of him. He kissed his temple softly. "That we think we're lucky we have you? Getting to love you makes us really happy, hyung."
"You mean that?" Yoongi asked, feeling a little bit like he just got the wind knocked out of him, something blooming in his chest that he couldn't quite describe if anyone asked him to. It was unspoken up until this point, though understood between them that they all went into this with strong feelings for each other. Hearing the word out loud for the first time though, love, made Yoongi want to explode with joy.
"Absolutely."
Whatever doubt he'd been feeling about his place in their lives earlier was gone. He did fit perfectly between them, their arms exactly Yoongi sized and their bodies molded against his like they were all pieces to the same puzzle. He felt warm, light as he drifted off to sleep that night beside the people who made him feel valuable.
[August 7th, 2021]
"Morning, sweetheart. I brought you coffee." Yoongi greeted Jimin with a peck on the cheek. However quick and PG it was, the kiss still roused a chorus of immature 'Oooh!'s from Jimin's ballet students. The class hadn't started yet, they were still waiting for a few children to show up.
"You're a saint, hyung!" Jimin took a sip of his liquid diabetes and practically melted into the cup himself. "I don't know if I love you or this order more," he joked with a teasing smile and Yoongi rolled his eyes, but his own smile betrayed him and told Jimin that he wasn't actually annoyed. "Are you staying today?"
"I'm heading into the studio to get caught up on some work. Just thought I'd bring you this on the way." Yoongi playfully twirled Jimin's little half-ponytail in his fingers, gave the dancer another kiss on his forehead, and then turned to leave.
"Mr. Park? How many boyfriends do you have?"
"Just the two, Chaewon."
"You're so lucky! I want to have two boyfriends too!"
"Uhm, just as long as they know about each other and are okay with sharing you."
That was the conversation Yoongi heard as he was leaving Hope World. He looked back at Jimin who gave him an 'Are her parents going to kill me when they hear about this? Help me,’ look. It made him chortle.
'R.I.P.’ He mouthed back and was on his way.
Namjoon was working overtime today too. They'd been swamped all week in assignments. Comeback season was upon them. He was already hard at work by the time Yoongi joined him in Rkive. Yoongi handed him the bagel he got for him and kissed his cheek too. "I'll bet a shit ton of money that you forgot to eat breakfast this morning, Joon-ah."
Namjoon looked at him in disbelief and gratitude. "How did you know?"
Yoongi shrugged. He noticed the younger's stomach growling the mornings of the last few Saturdays that they worked. "Namjoon," Jimin made the comment once, "is a creature of habit and strict routine." Yoongi observed this himself, that when Namjoon's routine got messed up even in the slightest, it completely threw him off. For example, coming into work at 8 a.m. on a Saturday instead of 9 on a weekday and forgetting about breakfast as a result. "Just a hunch."
'Perhaps the reason this night looks so beautiful is not because of the stars nor the lights, but because of us.' Yoongi read the lyrics over his boyfriend's shoulder and smiled. Last week, the three of them went stargazing. He thought of the few times he snuck glances at Jimin who was completely captivated by the night sky and then looked over at Namjoon just to see that he and Jimin were already being watched with eyes pooled full of honey-thick adoration.
Since that first night in May that he stayed over at his partners' apartment, Yoongi easily fell into a new groove. He now spent more nights sleeping at Namjoon and Jimin's place than at his own. They gave him closet and dresser space where he kept about half of the clothes he owned. He was able to go to work and come home with Namjoon and spend his evenings with both him and Jimin.
On nights when Namjoon and Jimin would shoot him a look and slip into the guest bedroom, Yoongi would curl up under the covers of Their bed - he knew without question that he was a part of that Their now - with one of Namjoon's books and would patiently read until the two came back to cuddle him. "Nothing sexual happens in Our bedroom, just so you know," Jimin mentioned before, "Joon's never said anything about it outright, but I kind of picked up on the fact that he doesn't really like sleeping in the same place we have sex. That's why we have two rooms at all."
The walls in their apartment were thin, just as the two first warned him about. "We have these noise canceling headphones. You can listen to music with them if you get uncomfortable," Namjoon offered, but Yoongi hadn't ever needed to use them. He didn't really find himself minding. It might have been an odd thing to admit if they weren't dating, but he was actually glad that he could hear them enjoying themselves, would smile to himself as he read because he didn't feel like they tried to exclude him from this part of Their relationship even if he didn't want to be involved.
Yoongi would finish a few chapters by the time that he heard the guest room door open and the water kick on. He could finish another one before Namjoon came into Their room, still sopping wet from his shower. "Yah, dry your back," Yoongi would scold him.
"Why would I waste my time?” he’d ask. “It'll just dry when I put on my shirt." Joon logic.
"Why live if you're gonna die anyways?" Yoongi argued, but he marked the page he was on and put his book on the nightstand, took the towel Namjoon came in wearing around his waist and dried his back for him.
If he didn't stop reading to make sure Namjoon would go to bed in a dry t-shirt, Yoongi thought he could have read one more chapter by the time Jimin joined them after stripping the guest bed and replacing the sheets, hair nearly dry from the shower he shared with Namjoon.
The two gave him extra affection on those nights (as well as on the rare nights they sent a stranger home), kissing him until he was giggly, pulling him in as close as they could to them, lacing their fingers with his own.
"I love you both," he'd remind them. They would breathe their own confessions over his skin and the shivers that went down his spine were pleasant instead of distressing.
[January 9th, 2022]
"Is this the last box?" Namjoon asked, carrying a heavy one filled with books that Yoongi would have taken himself if the other didn't insist on 'being a gentleman.'
"Yeah." Yoongi looked around the apartment for what would be the last time. His lease had been up since the end of December, but his landlord was kind enough to give him a few extra days to move out. Bless her. It was more work than he anticipated.
It was weird seeing the space look so empty. Yoongi could picture it exactly as it was before they packed up his life into boxes. He could remember the exact order of books on his shelf, feel himself sink into the excessive amount of throw pillows Seokjin bought for his couch, imagine himself sifting through the mess of torn out notebook pages with ideas for songs that littered his coffee table and composing new melodies at his brown upright piano.
Despite how easily he could picture the way he'd lived there, the space felt very different. Yoongi once associated his quiet, empty apartment with being alone, but he didn't feel the heavy weight of loneliness that day like he used to feel the very moment he would step foot through the door. Now that it was actually empty, all he saw was potential for the next renter. It struck him that he didn't even think of this as his apartment anymore. He hadn't thought of it as his for the past several months. It was just a place he stored half of his things.
Someone was rubbing Yoongi's back. It felt like Jimin. The pressure of his touch was too light to have been Joon. "You okay, hyung?"
Yoongi nodded. "Better than okay." And he was.
"Joonie took your books to the moving truck already. We're ready whenever you are, but take your time." One more pat and Jimin's hand was gone from Yoongi's back. The door clicked shut behind him.
Yoongi took a deep breath. He was starting a new chapter of his life. A good chapter, one where he hopefully wouldn't think of home as a lonely place ever again. He placed his key on the counter as his landlord instructed him to and then went to join his boyfriends outside.
[March 9th, 2022]
29! Getting closer to 30 every day. XOXO, Mom.
Yoongi's text tone is what woke him up earlier than usual. Like, ass crack of dawn early. He had half a mind to start doing this to his mother on her birthdays. 57! You're closer to 60 every day! He didn't think she'd appreciate being reminded that she's aging either, especially first thing in the morning before she'd even had a cognitive thought yet.
There's a nice girl a little younger than you who goes to our church. I'm assuming you're still single. Want me to give her your number?
Yoongi scoffed and chose a nice picture of him, Jimin, and Namjoon that Jimin’s younger brother, Jihyun, took for them while they were visiting the beach of Jimin's hometown in Busan. Yoongi still remembered the anxiety he felt during that trip, meeting Jimin's family for the first time. Unlike Yoongi and Namjoon, the younger had accepting parents who welcomed Yoongi with open arms just as they did for Namjoon when Jimin first brought him home a few years prior. Hyun thankfully took a liking to Yoongi too, even after an awkward initial interaction. They'd be visiting again in a few months.
I'm not single. We're coming up on a year this week.
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Yoongi's mother didn't reply for a few minutes. He almost fell back asleep.
Which of these men are you seeing? She asked this, as if it actually made a difference to her. She wouldn't be pleased either way. And she certainly wouldn't be pleased when she found out Yoongi was dating-
Both of them. He almost wished he could see her face when he sent his answer. A bigger part of him was glad that he lived 3 hours away from her and wouldn't need to see her disappointment. He turned his phone off and shoved it back under his pillow so he didn't have to know what she had to say about his relationship. He didn't care what she thought anyway. Her opinion wouldn't affect how he lived his life.
He looked to his left and saw Namjoon. Joon looked like he had a million things on his mind at all times when he was awake. When he slept, he looked peaceful, relaxed. He snored in his sleep, heavy sounds from his parted lips that, oddly, Yoongi loved listening to as he fell asleep himself. Sometimes, Namjoon even talked. On nights when he did, Jimin and Yoongi held conversations with him that made no sense whatsoever to them, but made them muffle their laughter into their pillows anyways. They would find out over breakfast what Namjoon was dreaming about and the previous night's conversation would make just a little more sense. Namjoon's arm was around Yoongi's waist. He'd fallen asleep last night spooning him.
To Yoongi's right was Jimin, who was an absolute mess when he slept. He usually woke up all groggy with wild hair, puffy cheeks, swollen eyes (Yoongi still found him gorgeous even then), and more covers than he started the night with, which he'd stolen from his two lovers. He also took up the most room on their bed, which they'd upgraded to a king. He sprawled his limbs out like he owned it and, well, he owned Yoongi and Namjoon's hearts so they shared a third of the mattress while Jimin took up the rest of it. His legs tangled with Yoongi's and Yoongi loved it, like he loved having Joon's arm around his middle. Loved the physical reminders that his boyfriends were there. Loved feeling so completely safe between these two bodies.
"God, I love you both so much," Yoongi whispered. It was still early, one of those mornings that he knew he could still get in a few more blessed hours of sleep. He wasn't expecting either of them to hear, much less to be awake yet.
Namjoon surprisingly responded. "Love you too, Yoon." He double checked. Namjoon was still sleeping. Yoongi felt fuzzy inside. This person actually loved him so much that he even told him he did in his sleep.
Yeah. Min Yoongi was so fucking happy.
This was what it was like to be bursting at the seams with joy, heart way too full and overflowing with this sudden flood of elation. He couldn't remember another time when he felt like this, this happy. Being there when Hoseok taught his first class at Hope World, when Taehyung wore their very first pair of heels off stage in college and finally started using pronouns they were more comfortable with, when Seokjin saved enough on his own without the offered help of his wealthy parents to renovate Epiphany Café, when Jungkook's gaming channel took off and he got sponsored to play video games for a living... These events of course came very very close for him, but right now?
This moment in time. When the sun wasn't even up yet, but Yoongi had the warmth he felt from being loved and accepted and so wanted to bask in. Where he had this quiet time to himself to just admire the beauty of the two people he loved most in the world, to think about everything they meant to him. Where the weight of a strong arm over his chest and legs knotting his in place didn't terrify him, but were instead so comforting that Yoongi could just cry. Where he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was enough for them, that they loved him for everything that he was instead of loving him despite all of the things he wasn't. Where the past wasn't important; where he still had time to fall back asleep and dream of things the future might have in store for them because that's what did matter.
This moment was nothing short of heaven.