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Steve Rogers had just woken up, the sun was just starting to rise up over the horizon and the sunlight peeking through the windows acted as his alarm clock. He had always woken up early, ever since his military days. It was just something that not even the Avengers could take out of him.
But it might have been just because he couldn't sleep, he had gone to bed particularly early last night. He couldn't stay awake the night before, it was just too painful. Physically he was fine, functioning just as good as any other day. There were always ups and downs but yesterday was just too much, far too much.
He saw him, Steve looked at him and he saw him and Bucky didn't recognize him. He didn't remember him and all those nights they spent holding each other in their barracks. He didn't remember holding Steve's hand underneath jackets at parks, all those secret kisses at night.
All of that was just gone, everything they had ever had was just eradicated in him. He tried to kill him, he tried to stab Steve to death in the middle of the street and he just couldn't function after that. He spent the rest of the day at home, his phone rang and rang. A million missed calls from Natasha and he never picked it up.
He loved him, Steve loved him more than anything and he just forgot he existed. Everything they ever had was gone, like it was all just a dream to him.
It hurt more than anything Steve had ever felt in his life. It hurt him so bad that all he did was sobbing to his sheets until he couldn't anymore. Until his eyes were red and puffy and his body told him if he didn't stop he would hurt himself.
He wanted to be angry. He wanted to hurt someone, something, anything. Because that cut him so deep, it was as if a part of him had just crumbled on the floor and died. But he couldn't, that wouldn't change anything, and he knew that wouldn't change anything.
He wiped his eyes as he sat up, his eyes crusty with his dried tears from the day before. He sniffed as he got them all off of his face and sighed, it didn't do him any good to cry. It wasn't going to fix it, it wasn't going to bring Bucky back to him.
He could feel the warmth of the sun on his shoulders, it was the only pleasant thing happening in this moment because the sudden urge to cry didn't go away as much as he tried to fight it. His cheeks puffed as he huffed out, doing his best to pull himself together.
He felt his eyes sting and he sighed again, turning his palms to wipe away the glossiness and his eyes and allowed his shoulders to slump. It had already been hard to lose him once, but to lose him again and to know he was truly gone was crippling.
He reached over to the small drawer that was beside his desk and put on a dog tag. It had been the same dog tag he had worn back in his military days; silver with his name written boldly on the front. He paired it with a second one. He always wore them and kept them close to his chest.
Even if he had to tuck it underneath his Captain America uniform he always had them together. He would have to get dressed first, the idea of walking into work wearing a tank top and a pair of sweatpants while barefoot; although comfortable, was probably not the best.
He turned over in his bed and groaned a bit as he got out of it, the bed creaking a bit now that he was shifting his weight around. He had just gotten fully off of his mattress and stretched when he saw something that made his soul drop into the pit of his stomach.
It just stood there, unblinkingly staring at him like a tiger before the kill. It's back was straight, too straight and silent. The hair on it's head draped it's face like a black cloak, and even with the early morning sunlight it looked like death in a package. The Winter Soldier.
Steve didn't move, he knew what would happen if he did. He knew what would happen if he didn't and he suddenly felt a breeze on his back. His eyes flickered over towards the second window beside his bed, and saw that it was wide open.
The moment his eyesight touched that window he heard footsteps, soft and straight. Steve didn't even react, his eyes never left that window and the only thing he did was close them as he felt something cold wrapped around his throat.
That was when he reacted. His feet didn't even leave the ground before he had socked it in its face. But it didn't even waver before punching Steve back with so much force he wondered for a second if his tooth had dislodged in his mouth.
For the first time in a long time he tasted blood, and wrapped both of his hands around the soldier's neck. He felt his eyes prickle up with tears, squeezing the life out of the husk of what used to be the best part of his day.
But it didn't even flinch.
It backhanded him, metal knuckles that hit him so hard it was enough to numb the side of his face. The other side of his face slammed into the wall and Steve groaned as he touched it, surprised that it wasn't bleeding when he looked back at his fingers. He could hear the footsteps again, they were calculating, effortless.
He felt the same tightening sensation around his neck again although this time it was warm, his eyes bucked as he was fully lifted off the ground now. His back was pressed up against the wall and he felt a certain sense of helplessness he hadn't felt in decades.
He didn't have it in him, and even as he felt the soldier's hand tighten around his neck he didn't thrash. He placed both of his hands on it's arm and gripped, squeezing onto it as if he could tear the limb off. The arm of a man that he used to spend so many nights clinging onto.
The Winter Soldier's grip tightened and at that moment Steve could feel all five of it's fingers digging into his flesh, choking him like it hated him and he couldn't help but cry. The tears flowed freely now, there was no use in holding them back he was going to die and he knew it.
"Bucky please," The sound of his voice was deep and ragged. He sucked in a breath and felt that with every one he took he could feel more of himself slipping. "Please don't. Don't do this."
He felt his eyes roll back for a second and he squeezed eyes shut, feeling like if they didn't close they might just pop right out of his skull. It was getting harder to breathe now, and Steve just couldn't do it. To fight him, to hurt him. He was still in there, he had to be. Steve couldn't lose him again, not like this.
He felt his body being dragged across the wall before he was thrown across the room. Steve choked in a breath and heaved. His chest nearly bucked at the motion and he was coughing so hard it rocked through his body, dry heaving in the process.
It stood there rubbing its eyes and it took a step back as it did, grunting. It snatched its own eyewear off, flinging the goggles across the room with it's metal arm before coming back over to him. It walked towards Steve and it only made one motion when it got to him, kicking him right in his stomach.
Steve only rolled over and groaned, his hands clutching around his torso, a puny attempt to keep his intestines from rupturing from the inside. The soldier didn't seem to miss much of a beat grabbing his throat again, only now with two hands. Steve could hardly feel the difference between the two one hard and run over with calluses, the other barely feeling any different. He could narrowly form words as it squeezed against him, his feet flailing and scraping against the wooden floor.
Steve watched it's eyes, he could see them now. Those same steel blues he spent so much time gazing at were staring back at him with nothing behind them. The crinkles were gone, the small lines underneath them that Steve remembered every curve too. Ones that he drew so many times, too many times to the point where they were ingrained in his very being. Forcibly entwinged in his memories.
There wasn't a look to them now, not even a drop of anger from before. Steve remembered how they looked earlier on the rode. Angry, intense, pissed. Annoyed at the fact that Steve wouldn't just die. Not like they were before that, on the highway. Blank and expressionless, calm. The Soldier knew that he had Steve, it was in its element. It just knew Steve was dead, even Steve had thought it.
Steve had never thought he was going die in a long time.
Not with Red Skull or Hydra. Not a day after he had taken that serum, or more so, not until the day he saw those eyes plummet from a steel metal train in the winter. They shifted a bit and Steve watched as they did, trying to hold on to his life as hard as he could, his hands squeezing against the Soldier's wrists.
Dog tags, it was looking at the dog tags. The sun must have hit them and shown in it's eyes earlier, aggravating it. They were both flipped over now, revealing a crude, almost chicken scratch appearing writing on the back of them.
S + J
Steve could see something, an almost flicker in those eyes. He watched as it's pupils widened and shrunk. Steve tried to make an attempt to speak, but it's fingers were still wrapped around his throat and at this point it was almost futile to fight back.
Still though he was able to squeeze out one word, as horse and as dry as it sounded he was able to get it out. "Bucky."
It happened in an instant. It's eyes flickered up at him again and they went from being in their almost cat-like state, into a wide expression. Steve felt its fingers leave its neck followed by a hard thud on the ground, he couldn't see the soldier anymore but he wasn't exactly looking and was far too focused on breathing.
He rolled over, and as he did he had his knees and both hands on the ground. The blond gasped for air as if it weren't all around him, lungs bucking for air as he coughed rapidly to filled them. Steve stayed there for a moment, breathing and heaving until he felt his heartbeat steady, until his lungs didn't push him for more.
Once he did though, could head another thud. Turning to see the Winter Soldier with it's back pressed up against the frame of his bed. It's expression was wide, and its eyes shifted around the room like a wild animal caught in a cage. One of its legs was extended while the other one was drawn towards its chest, and it had both of its arms wrapped around itself.
That was until it saw Steve, who didn't react to it until he realized that it must have backed up on the floor over there. Because they were a considerable distance from the bed before. Steve couldn't pull his eyes away from it, and when it spoke Steve wasn't quite sure who he was anymore.
"Steve?"
Steve's eyes rapidly strained as he looked at it, it's voice was muffled behind the mask but Steve could have sworn that he heard it. He stood up, looking at it from the ground and it didn't move towards him. It only extended its other leg and laid both of its hands on the ground.
"Steve?" It spoke again though this time it's voice sounded a bit shaky, still muffled by the mask.
"Buck?" Steve said, almost in a whisper and walked towards what could have been Bucky. If it was him though it panicked. It got up and moved over to a wall to stay away from him, backing itself up into a corner.
Steve didn't miss a moment, forcing himself forward and walking into the Soldier's space. He had to find some sort of semblance of control. It's back was still firmly backed against the corner of the wall. It almost appeared like it was trying to make itself smaller; which was ridiculous because they were both absolutely massive.
It had never done that before, but Captain America of all people wasn't just going to trust the change in behavior. He didn't trust it, why would he? Especially from earlier. But this wasn't Captain America anymore. This was Steve Rogers, and Steve Rogers new Bucky burns like Captain America knew Hydra.
It was illogical, it was dumb. But Bucky made him illogical, Bucky made him dumb. Bucky made him desperate. Bucky had always made Steve do things that Captain America would never do. That Captain America shouldn't do. Bucky was the one who made him Captain America in the first place, in all the ways he shouldn't be.
Now all of that was gone, it was hollowed out and the only thing that was left of him, of Bucky was a hollowed out shell of a man. A thing. A thing that just stood there and almost bucked its eyes out as Steve got closer to it.
It's eyes got glossy and it's head shook a bit once Steve got right in front of it. He reached his hands up and hooked his fingers along the loop of the mask on its ears. He didn't put any space between them, and he didn't care to.
When he first started to pull off the mask it flinched, almost hitting its head on the wall in the process. It was saying something, but whatever it was saying was breathy and far too fast for Steve to understand. He pulled the mask off a bit slower and once he did, he let it fall to the ground with a thud.
"Is that-" Steve started and he told his eyes suddenly well up with tears, he sniffed and swallowed thickly and tried to get himself together before speaking. "Is that you?"
It didn't answer, only shaking it's head quickly in a tense nod, and Steve didn't need any other answer in the world but that. He immediately pulled him into a hug, his arms wrapped around Bucky and squeezed them together so tightly that they could have became one person in that moment.
Bucky heaved but immediately returned the hug, squeezing onto Steve like he would slip through his fingers and disappear if he didn't. Their faces buried themselves into each other's necks and for a moment there was nothing but the sound of gasps and the feeling of each other's tears on their necks.
It would have lasted forever had Bucky not let go and looked at Steve, his face was ugly with sadness and he had this overwhelming look of crippling guilt that had washed all over him.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Bucky practically sobbed out, and the way he said it could have broken Steve into a million pieces. It was sad, one of those voices that made people want to cry. Wet and shaky with tears and almost cracking when people spoke with it.
"I've done bad things Steve, I've done bad things to people." His voice almost cracked as he cried to Steve, his words weren't quite right. They were slurred and cracked, something almost delayed and infantile in his speech. "I didn't want to, I didn't want to. I wanted to go home."
He sobbed out to him and Steve pulled him into another hug, one that Bucky didn't return but Steve didn't care. He felt him slump into his shoulder and Steve made no move to stop him, he had one hand hugging onto him and the other one did the same except it was looped around and tangled into Bucky's hair.
"Didn't wanna hurt people Steve." Bucky whimpered into Steve's body. He felt the calming feeling of Steve's free hand rubbing rhythmically up and down his back.
"S'okay." Steve mumbled back, he felt Bucky's body trimble in his grip and it made him feel sick. It made him feel sick that someone would do this to him. He had never seen him this distraught before, not even back in that apartment. The old riggity one where the trains would zoom by too fast, far before either one of them had received any sort of anything. Long before any serum, long before any missions.
He had him in his arms now, trembling and shaking, clutching onto Steve like he was the only real thing in the room, but he had him.
"Come 'ere." Steve said and guided him over to the bed. Bucky looked like he was going to collapse at any moment, he was already distraught and upset. The last thing he wanted him to do was fall.
Bucky only shook his head and followed him onto the bed, still clutching onto him. Steve had to walk backwards as he guided him, the other man gripping onto him the whole way there. Once they got there though Steve sat down on the edge of the bed and Bucky sat next to him, his hands still gripping Steve.
Bucky sniffed, still letting everything in him out and Steve stayed there by him. His other hand was no longer in Bucky's hair since they were now side by side but he kept his hand on his back, rubbing it methodically whatever he felt like he needed it.
He cried on to Steve until he felt like he didn't have any more tears to cry, and even then he latched on to him. He wrapped his arm around one of Steve's and held on to him, letting his metal arm lay a limp on the rest of the bed behind him. As he did that he had sat up a bit, although still slouched, moving to where all but his forehead was buried into Steve's toned shoulder.
He felt Bucky do that and turned his head to look at him, he hated seeing him like this. In the past it was never this bad, and even then he wouldn't have wanted to ever see him hurt to this point.
He leaned his head a bit and kissed Bucky right on his forehead, it was soft and sweet. The way he used to. The way he always used to whenever things would hurt, when they felt like it was too much and it was all Steve and his body could do back then.
There was a moment where Bucky almost felt himself break down entirely at the feeling, it was so tender that it almost hurt and it hit something deep within him that almost shattered. He couldn't remember the last time he had been touched like that by someone in any way. In any way that wasn't forced. In any way that wasn't brutal.
He peeked his head up when he felt it, his eyes still a bit red and glossed over with wetness. He looked at Steve and felt like for a moment he was the only thing in the room.
He hesitated at first, lifting his head and then pulling it back down. This was the first time Bucky had seen him in years, and for so long he never thought he would ever see Steve again and now here he was; touching him so softly he thought he would break. He was real, and he wasn't a delusion this time. He was real.
He didn't hesitate at all the second time and leaned up, pressing his lips up against Steve's and shutting his eyes. Steve's eyes fluttered shut with a bit of shock but he didn't pull away and felt Bucky's arm still holding on to him.
It was soft and Steve couldn't find it in himself to pull away from him, instead he found himself doing the opposite. He moved a bit closer to him and Bucky only breathed through his nose. He didn't want to let him go and neither did Steve, neither one of them knowing rather this would be the last time they would get to hold the other.
He unwrapped his arm from Steve's and placed it on his cheek. Bucky's fingers curled just behind his ear and Steve nearly cried at the feeling. They used to hold each other like this all the time and to feel it again after so long, it was the most soul-stirring thing he had ever felt in his life.
He leaned against him and Bucky didn't resist, letting Steve shift himself on top of him. Their lips parted for a moment and were intertwined with needy kisses in between as Bucky felt himself lay back up against the headboard. They were mouthy and soft, their breaths lingering on each other's cheeks as they did so.
Steve was fully on top of him now but then shifted, putting either one of his knees just outside of Bucky's sides, almost in a prayer position with Bucky in between his legs who had his own legs straight. Bucky was sitting upright with one of his hands gently squeezing on to Steve's waist, his fingers looping themselves around the fabric of his top.
Steve had his hands placed on Bucky's chest and they were still there when he sat up to look at him, breaking their kiss. He was close to him, his face only a mere inches away from the other man's. He looks into those eyes, pretty blue eyes that felt so familiar now.
His eyes were blue as well but they were deep, like an ocean of water. But Bucky's eyes were just, well, they were wonderful and he used to wake up so happy back in those days where he would find himself doing nothing but just staring into them.
"What?" Bucky said almost in a whisper. There was a bit of a grin on his face as he spoke and Steve sat back a bit on his knees to look at him. A smile came on Steve's face, one that Bucky would have sworn was illuminated by the sunlight.
"You're real handsome Buck," Steve said after a moment of gazing at him, his eyes were watery but there was a smile. "And I don't think I've ever told you how handsome you are."
Bucky tried to hide the big bashful grin on his face although it was a pretty useless attempt. He found his hands going underneath Steve's tank although only right underneath it, his fingers grazing along his waist.
Steve saw this and didn't even try to hide the little smirk that appeared on his face. He didn't even tell Bucky when he crossed his arms on either side of him and pulled off his shirt, he just did it and Bucky huffed a laugh.
"That obvious?" Bucky said with a bit of a laugh in his voice like it pained him, slow and lightly stuttered. There was too big of a pause in his words and his voice sounded too horse, too thick. Like a bucket of nails had been poured down his throat, like he had never spoken before. He was annunciating too much.
Steve didn't care.
"Are you complainin'?" Steve quipped back, the teasing in his tone was accompanied by a smile that Bucky thought could light up the world.
"No," Bucky said back with a unsure grin still printed across his face, a voice like death. "No, course not."
"Good." Steve said, bending back down and connecting his lips back with Bucky's. He just wanted him, please, he wanted him to be real. Steve moved his right hand on the left side of Bucky's chest and laid it there, gently squeezing onto the fabric of his clothing.
His other hand made a move for the zipper of his top and pulled it down only by an inch when Bucky snatched his wrist with his prosthetic arm. His eyes were wide, a bit hardened. After realizing what had happened his grip loosened, his face fell, but he still held on Steve, who only stared at him.
Bucky’s gaze was on him, and then almost immediately he looked away, his grip on Steve's wrist immediately releasing. A wave of guilt came over him, coming to terms with the fact that he actually touched Steve with that thing for an arm. He could feel Steve's eyes looking at him, his face only mere inches from his own head.
"I...I don't-" Bucky started, still looking away from Steve, his voice ached. It hurt.
He shook his head, thinking of another thought that he quickly threw away and exhaled a little hard before looking back at the man on top of him, one who was just as confused as ever. Just as patient as ever.
"Don't- Don't think you wanna- wanna see that." The way he said it was quiet and almost in a mumble, yet slow and annunciated. His mouth stumbled over the words yet instill with all of its grit, and if Steve wasn't so close to him, he wouldn't have heard it.
There were times where he could remember things, times where Bucky would feel himself coming back in and every time they would they would strap in back down again and he had learned to let them. Because fighting them was futile.
He had some vague memories of being inside of the Winter Soldier program and none of them were fond. But he could remember seeing himself once or twice and it was bad. He couldn't remember much, but he couldn't remember one time where it ever looked good. He couldn't remember much of anything.
Steve had just seen him again and he wanted to enjoy it, to enjoy Bucky and everything he could possibly give him. Anything he wanted to give him, and Steve didn't want to see the only person in the world he cared about being disgusted by something so broken. To be disgusted by himself.
"Buck," Steve whispered. His voice was soft. It was too soft and almost too tender and Bucky could feel his eyes well up at his voice. He bit his lip and couldn't find it in himself to look back up at Steve, he knew how he was going to look at him.
It was with concern which is exactly how Steve was looking at him, with complete concern. He could see Bucky's eyes gloss over and he kissed his cheek, something that made Bucky sigh and squeeze his eyes shut.
He didn't want to lose that, he didn't want to lose the way Steve looked at him with so much adornment. When he looked at him there was always so much goodwill behind those eyes, so much care and he didn't want it to waiver.
"It's okay," Steve said, looking at Bucky's face although he didn't look back at him. "I just...just missed you."
"I wanna see you Buck," Steve started and then paused a bit to give himself time to find the right words. "All of you. If you'd like."
Bucky turned his head back to face him although his eyes were still turned down. A shaky sigh left his voice before he looked at Steve, they were big and round and something about them made Steve's heart ache.
"I know," Bucky said slowly, the sadness in his eyes was something Steve could even hear in his voice despite the new found stammering hardness behind it. " 'Know."
"Just... I-" Bucky started, his eyes shifted away and then looked back at him. There was a brief look of frustration that took over his face when he stopped, then it dropped. His mouth opened again, Steve could see the strain. His lips tried to form a word but his voice wouldn't cooperate with him. His eyes glossed over again, but for something else. He was mad.
Bucky tried again, and something did came out that time. Unintelligible and inscrutable but it did, it was slurred and broken but it did.
Steve didn't have to say anything, he could see the way Bucky's jaw clenched. There was something else more than just his nerves getting to him. There was something wrong with his voice, apparently. Steve could tell, he knew from before Bucky... he didn't sound the same. Not the same way he used to, and Bucky was a real talker, and a real smooth one at that.
Now he couldn't speak at all.
He looked like he was ashamed, and Steve hated that look. Fuck. He had nothing to be ashamed of, and there was nothing he could say or do to convince Steve that he did. He wanted to say something to the brunet but Bucky tried again, stubborn as ever. Just as ever.
"Don't want you t-t-to-" He was cut off by Steve who shushed him. The way he did it was almost soothing and Bucky couldn't help but to comply. He was overthinking it, at least to Steve anyway. Whatever it was he could handle it, and whatever it was he would handle it.
"It's okay Buck," Steve mumbled quietly before connecting their lips again, and Bucky melted into the touch. He could feel his heart race as he felt the zipper being pulled again although this time he made no attempt to stop him. "It's okay."
He said that again and Bucky could feel his prosthetic fingers grip onto the sheets, and the moment those words left Steve's mouth his lips were connected right back to the man's underneath him.
He felt Steve pull his zipper down and his breath almost caught in his throat, but he didn't pull away. Bucky only closed his eyes tightly as he felt more and more of clothes slipping off. He was fidgety and nervous, Steve could tell. Which only made him want to see whatever it was more and more.
They both heard a little click of the zipper ending and Bucky sucked in his bottom lip. He could feel Steve sit back on his knees again although this time a little bit most of his weight was just top of him. He felt Steve's thumbs hook around either side of his now open jacket flaps and he let out a nervous breath.
He was shaky when he felt his skin exposed, and the first thing he did was look down at his own chest. It had been a while since he had actually seen it and he didn't exactly know what it looked like. He wished he hadn't.
It looked, well, awful.
The first thing Steve saw was purple and for a second he wondered why there was so much purple on him before he realized that they were bruises. Deep, painful bruises that were littered across his chest sporadically. They looked like they ached, like it should have been painful for Bucky to move, and breathing should have been a chore.
Steve didn't say anything and Bucky looked away from him, turning his head to look out of the window that was closed. The other one was still open but it was behind Steve and he really didn't want to look anywhere near him. He felt guilty, he didn't want to be like this. This broken, ugly thing that Steve had to look at.
He felt something and turned his head back at Steve, it was his fingers. Light and gentle. He could feel them gently curling around either side of his neck, almost in a cradle and Bucky he sniffed once he looked at him.
Steve's eyes were glossed over and there was a weak small smile on his face, he breathed in and closed his eyes as he pressed their foreheads together. His breath was a little shaky when he spoke but he still managed to get it out.
"You're so beautiful Buck." Steve said, he almost wanted to cry but he said it.
Bucky shook his head and sat up a little bit, Steve sat back again and looked at Bucky as he shook his head. He didn't believe it. He didn't believe that Steve could look at him like this and truly think that. He was trying to spare his feelings and Bucky knew it.
"H-How can you say th–at?" Bucky said, his voice nearly crackling in the process. He didn't look at Steve the first time he spoke but he looked at him right after, his eyes harboring so much hurt behind them.
"H–ow can you look 'nd say that?" His words were broken apart, shredded into pieces and trying to form something close to a sentence. There was too much strain in his voice, too much of something that sounded like a man trying to force himself. Frustrated and embarrassed and disgusted. Bucky dropped his head when spoke to him. He couldn't bear to look at Steve. He couldn't look at the face of a man he spent so many years pining after and listen to him lie to him like this.
Steve was nice, Steve was kind. He always had been. His heart being too big and getting him into trouble was just a part of him, a part of Steve. It was something his mom had, and something Steve had, and something Bucky had been dealing with for all his life, for all that Bucky could remember if he could trust his own memories.
The Steve he knew, the Steve he remembered would never tell him if something was wrong with him. The Steve he remembered was nice, the Steve he remembered stuck his neck out for any and everybody. Bucky didn't know if this Steve was that Steve, the way that he didn't know if he was that Bucky anymore. The Bucky Steve saw him as, but if Steven Grant Rogers hadn't changed, if he really was the same person, then he didn't want him to lie to him.
There was a moment where neither one of them said anything else, and Bucky could feel his entire body tense up. Steve didn't speak when he hooked his finger underneath Bucky's chin and raised it so he could look at him, his eyes softened at the sight of seeing him so fragile.
"Cause I'm with you." Steve said and took a breath, feeling his hands shake a bit as he moved. He took off the rest of his jacket and Bucky felt his breathing quicken, a lot was happening at once and he suddenly remembered how bad his shoulder looked.
He didn't even have enough time to fully react before Steve head fully undressed the top of him, Bucky's eyes flickered up at him and they were filled with nervousness. Steve could tell that whatever he was feeling it was intense and crippling, and he tried not to let that look hurt him.
He moved his fingers to feel what was left of his left shoulder, deeply scarred skin that felt like ripples when he grazed his fingers along it. Bucky flinched lightly as he did this and something inside of Steve made him want to cry at that reaction. He looked so scared, almost terrified and Steve would do anything to never see that look on his face again.
"And I'm here James." Steve said again and it was almost too quiet. Bucky stared at him, the last time he had heard his name was the last time he had seen him and Steve had always called him Bucky. He was the only one that ever called him Bucky.
James was for the public, it was for when they needed to look a certain way. But Bucky, he was his Bucky and nobody could ever take that away from him, not even time it seemed. He had to fight the urge to cry and tried to stop the heaving in his chest as Steve leaned back into him, his fingers careful and light against his skin.
"And I'm...I'm-" Steve said, trying his best not to choke himself up. He had leaned in close now, their noses just touching and Steve could feel his own eyes half lidded.
"I'm with you… I'm with you till the end of the line.” Steve sniffed and Bucky smiled. It was bittersweet and shaky but it was still a smile and it was all Steve ever needed.
A few tears slipped from Bucky's eyes and Steve kissed him. He kissed him so gently that Bucky couldn't help it but melt into the touch of his lips and give in. He moved his prosthetic arm but then put it back down, instead of using his own arm and placed it on Steve's neck.
The feeling of Bucky's fingers curling on the back of his neck was surreal and he couldn't help the soft noise that left his lips. He loved kissing Bucky, that might have been one of the things he missed the most about him. He was always so touch starved and needy, and Steve never fought the urge to give in to him.
His kisses were soft and tender, and Bucky almost whined at the feeling of being touched so softly after so long. It was always painful to be touched, after Steve everything had always been so painful and now that he was here with him he never wanted it to end.
Their lips parted and Bucky made a sound that Steve shushed, dipping his head in between Bucky's neck. He took one hand and cupped it to the side of Bucky's face, feeling the stubble on his cheek. Steve grinned into his neck at the feeling and Bucky shuttered. It felt new, he had never had stubble before but Steve liked it.
He held him there as he kissed in between his shoulders and Bucky let his head lay back on the headboard of the bed. He sighed and made a noise that sounded somewhat like a shakey groan, and Steve couldn't hide the grin on his face.
He was always so sensitive here. Warm wet, kisses on his throat always seemed to unravel him and turn him into a mess, a mess that Steve loved putting back together.
He continued to kiss his neck, careful not to suck on it and form a bruise on him. He didn't want to hurt him and even though Steve doubted it would even hurt him at all he didn't want to risk anything. They were never too much into hickeys anyway.
Bucky moaned and the sound made Steve's cock twitch. His moans were always throaty and deep, and he always tried to hide them but Steve would always find a way to bring it out of him.
Another shuttered moan left Bucky as he felt Steve kiss behind his ear, feeling his lips lightly smirking behind it. His hand gripped onto Steve's waist and the feeling of his breath tickling along his neck was euphoric.
"F-uck." Bucky groaned out, he was trying to keep himself quiet although he was never good at it. Even back in their tents Steve always had to push his fingers into his mouth to keep him quiet. But now Steve didn't care. The window was pushed open, the curtains blowing, and he just couldn't find it in himself to care.
"O–Oh god," It was like Bucky couldn't help himself, he could feel his cock shift in his pants and he could never figure out why Steve was so good at this. "St-eve, please. Pl-ease just-"
He was shushed again and whined in compliance, his cheeks becoming red. He bit his lip and could feel his grip tighten on Steve's hip, wanting him close. His kisses started to drift down now, soft and wet, trailing down his neck and just pass Bucky's collarbone.
Steve shifted a bit so that he could crawl back a little, he put himself on all fours and kissed down to reach Bucky's chest. That was when Bucky sucked in a breath, he was tense and Steve knew it.
He could feel Bucky's muscles tightening and even the way he was breathing. At first Steve wanted to say something but then found himself realizing that he could just do what he wanted to say, and so he did.
He bent down and kissed the first bruise near him. Bucky flinched and Steve could feel every muscle in his body tighten up, but he didn't stop, he moved on to the next one and gave it another kiss.
He kept going, each one of them receiving delicate, peppered kisses and Steve could feel his breath steadying. The gesture made him want to cry, the feeling of Steve kissing him like this and caring about him like this made him nearly feel like he wasn't real.
Steve kept on, giving each one of those sore, bruised spots attention. He couldn't just leave him like this, leave him ashamed and disgusted with himself when he had no reason to be. They might have been ugly but Bucky wasn't, and Steve wasn't just going to sit here and let him feel that way about himself.
Bucky made a tiny sound and laced his metal fingers into the sheets, he could feel Steve going lower and tried to steady out his breathing. Steve wasn't stopping and continued to kiss one after another, Bucky's breath getting caught in his throat with each one.
He kissed the last one and his eyes flickered up to meet Bucky's. His face was flushed red and his breathing was light and hot, and Steve could see the gentle movement of his chest. He lowered his chin a bit and could feel Bucky's cock pressing against the fabric of his pants and just underneath Steve's throat.
"Fuck Buck." He said with a bit of a teasing grin. Bucky didn't say anything back and only looked away with his face redding. His head was slightly lifted off of the bed frame, biting his lip. But it went right back to the frame once he felt Steve's fingers grazing his cock through the fabric of his clothes.
"This for me?" Steve asked and he already knew the answer, which is exactly why Bucky didn't give him one. He chuckled and sat up to give Bucky a kiss. It was quick and little, one that Bucky grunted at.
"Needy." Steve said with a bit of a laugh, he knew why he did that. He wanted more and he would get that in time, for now though Steve kissed his ear and whispered.
"You've always been so needy." Bucky made a small sound in his throat at Steve's words. "Hold on."
Steve reached down and unbuckled Bucky's belt loop and smirked in his ear, Bucky could feel it and groaned. Steve laughed again, this time it was much softer. He crawled back to where he was at and made the motion to pull the rest of Bucky's pants down although they stopped at his boots.
Steve worked one of his eyebrows and grinned. "How many times have I told you to stop leaving your shoes on my bed?"
Bucky let out at gurgled laugh at the memory. He had always had his shoes on whenever they went to lay in their cots back during the war and Steve would always complain about it. But he always insisted that having them on would be better than having them off if something happened.
Steve's fingers were nimble and quick as he untied one boot and let it fall to the ground with a thud, followed by the other. His socks came off soon after and Steve crawled back over to him and kissed his forehead. Bucky could have swooned if his entire body wasn't hot.
He was hot because another kiss was planted on his mouth and then his neck, followed by a trail of sweet kisses down his chest and stomach. Steve's fingers grazed his sides as he made his way down as Bucky huffed.
He got down to Bucky's boxers which were unsurprisingly black and gray. He could see the imprint of Bucky's cock, hard and thick. Steve didn't hesitate to run his fingers along it and a deep sigh left Bucky.
He felt his thighs shiver as Steve fingers shifted. One of his hands shifted to long run along his thighs, kissing against the sensitive skin as he did so and Bucky felt his moath fall open. His breaths were so soft he was almost soundless, little sounds that made Steve's back arch up and body flood with heat.
He didn't even bother to warn Bucky before he started to mouth at his cock from underneath his boxers, kissing it, and Bucky's breath hitched in his throat. His mouth was warm and wet against him and the only thing Bucky could do was shudder underneath him desperately.
Steve abruptly sat up which snatched Bucky out of whatever thought he was having, he leaned up to kiss him and Bucky didn't resist. Not even when Steve looped his fingers around his boxers and pulled them over the curve of his ass. He groaned after Steve disconnected their kiss again, Steve scooting himself back to pull Bucky boxers the rest of the way down.
"Jesus fuck Buck." Steve said and for a second he just stared at it. It was huge, and for a moment he wondered how they were going to go about any of this. Bucky still didn't say anything and his blush only got worse.
He knew what it looked like of course, but that was before whatever Hydra had injected in him. He had a couple of memories of seeing it, but they were vague and seeing all this just made him beet red.
Steve got himself back between Bucky's legs and found eyes glued to his dick, it was so much bigger now than Steve remembered. A fat cylinder of an organ, with thick veins distributed across it. It's shape was deliciously perfect, and Steve's broad hand wrapped around his length, tugging along lightly to urge it.
Steve bit his lip as he did so, and if Bucky did give a reaction he didn't see it and Steve couldn't help himself when he let his hand slide the up length of Bucky and then back down, repeating it over and over relentlessly until Bucky was quivering and groaning under him.
His fingers were hot around the length of his cock, stroking him with tight, quick strokes. Then Steve does this little twist with his wrist, and something comes loose inside Bucky and he can’t swallow all the little moans and huffed breaths that wanted to leave his lips now, telling tiny secrets to Steve.
He kept stroking him, completely enamored with Bucky's cock. There was a bead of precome, and Steve sucked it off of Bucky's head with a soft pop. His body flushed as he sucked Bucky's tip in his mouth and hummed, feeling his own dick switch. It pressed up against the fabric of his own pants and suddenly wearing them felt too tight.
God it felt right, it felt so right to have Bucky's cock in his mouth again. He never thought in a million years he would be doing this again and the way he writhed underneath him made Steve moan into his dick.
He found something almost grounding in the heavy weight of it on his tongue, and huffed a soft breath as he took the former Winter Soldier deeper. He pressed his head forward feeling the tip of his cock push past his tongue.
Bucky tensed and let out a shuttered sigh as he felt Steve's hot, slick mouth take him in. So Steve pushed his cock deeper, insistent to slide his tongue shamelessly over every bit of skin.
With every slide of his mouth, it felt as if it was getting hotter inside. It made Bucky tilt his head back against the headboard with a low curse under his breath. If that wasn't enough to drive him further off the cliff of madness, Steve inched closer and closer to his base with every bob of his head.
The soft groan from Bucky's lips sends a wave of heat through Steve. His fingers slid across Bucky's thighs again, gently teasing the skin and Bucky whined in response.
He lets his tongue rub underneath the base of Bucky's cock in his mouth, practically milking him of precum. Steve groaned and felt like he could stay here forever in between his legs, offering his mouth, offering his body. Offering anything Bucky might take to make him feel wanted and loved.
He lets Bucky's cock rub over his tongue, over and over again. Then tightens his lips and sucks his cock deep into his mouth, lets it tap the back of his throat, and Bucky could have came at the soft choking sound and breath Steve huffed through his nose.
Bucky’s neck goes loose and he wants to hang onto this feeling forever, the slow drag of Steve's hot mouth, the glide of his cock filling it up. It made all the empty places in him feel something. It was almost too much, too good, and Bucky feels like he might rip right out of his too tight, too hot skin.
Steve suddenly felt Bucky's hand thread into his hair, gentle and light. He didn't push his head and only softly held his fingers there. He was shakey, and felt like if he didn't touch Steve he was going to burst through the seams and cry.
"St-Steve," Bucky said and the way he said it made precum drip from Steve's own cock. It was all moans, deep throaty moans that Steve hadn't heard in years. "St-Steve. Stevie, please. Please, please, please."
And that was the last straw for Steve because he finally gave his aching cock attention. He snaked a hand underneath his sweatpants and wrapped his fingers around his cock before jerking it. He hallowed his cheeks around Bucky's cock and swallowed, going as deep as he could.
He didn't stop bobbing his head and Bucky’s body arched, his mouth gaping open under Steve's touch. Bucky's vision swims and he could feel something build within him, making it harder and harder for him to focus.
The sounds of his cock slicking back and forth deep inside the blond's mouth, paired with the raw sounds of Steve's cock in his fist and his balls slapping against his own hand as he pounded himself was almost too much for Bucky.
Bucky mewled and it was the smallest sound he had made this entire time, and that was just enough to push Steve over the edge of himself. Steve's breaths hitched and stalled and he groaned loud through Bucky's dick as he cums.
But the thing that drove Bucky over was when he lifted his metal hand and laid it back down, crumpling the fingers of the prosthetic into the sheets. He wanted to touch Steve, but it just didn't feel right. It didn't feel right to use a hand that had caused so much pain on someone he loved so much.
Steve didn't even say anything when he did it. He only took his right hand off of Bucky's thigh and intertwined his fingers with Bucky's left hand, holding his metal hand and locking their fingers together and something in Bucky went over the edge. Because it was at that moment that he realized that Steve didn't care. He didn't care about his bruises, he didn't care about his scars, he didn't even care about his lack of an arm. He only cared about him.
Steve drew back at seeing his back arch and his feet lifting slightly in the air. He knew what that meant, and the sweet drag of Bucky's cock leaving his mouth was enough for the brunette to lay his head back again, panting moans that rose into the cool morning air.
Their hands stayed interlocked as Steve jerked him, the tip of Bucky's cock just barely tapping against Steve's tongue. His mouth was open, and he couldn't help the blush that spread across his cheeks at hearing the wet sound of Bucky's dick slipping up and down his hand.
“You’re so beautiful Buck, look at you." Steve whispers, and it’s like poetry, and Bucky’s hips jerk and he could barely get out Steve's name as his orgasm slammed into him, wave after wave of pleasure wringing his body out and pumping it into Steve's mouth.
His vision got fuzzy as his orgasm crashed over him. Pulses of pleasure ran through him over and over again, spilling into Steve's hot, wanting mouth. He felt each thick, white rope of cum leave him and it racked through his body. It felt so good it nearly hurt, and Steve was there the whole time, stroking him through every moment.
"Ssh you're okay, you're okay." Steve whispered, swallowing every last drop Bucky had gave him. His grip was loose now, stroking Bucky through the last few moments of his ecstasy. There was a last bead left on his cock and Steve sucked it off with a kiss and crawled up to him.
Bucky huffed, numb and dazed. He’s barely aware, he's barely aware when a blanket settles over his body, barely aware when Steve wraps an arm over him and pulls him close. He did feel though when Steve kissed his temple and curled his body up next to his left arm, an arm that he never thought anyone would be okay with.
"How are..." Bucky said, having to take a moment to pause and catch his breath, his head still spun and he could feel the proud grin on Steve's face forming. "Y-You...you doing 'at?"
He asked it because he knew that his prosthetic was cold, ridiculously cold. It was metal after all and it was extremely hard to warm up even with Bucky's own body temperature.
Steve shrugged and moved a little closer to him, placing his chin on what was left of Bucky's natural shoulder. He had this proud and satisfied look on his face, one that Bucky wanted to punch him in the shoulder for but didn't have the energy to do.
"It's cold," Steve mumbled, looking at Bucky with sleepy, half sided lids. "Ever since the serum it always feels hot going to bed, it's always too hot."
"You feel nice." Steve stated and leaned up to give Bucky another kiss on his forehead, one that almost melted the other man. They locked eyes for a moment, both of them lazy with tiredness.
"Steve?" Bucky said, and it really sounded more like a question than a statement. Steve looked at him with those deep blue eyes that had so much care behind them and Bucky smiled.
"I love you." It was quick but genuine and Steve could tell, and there was zero point in hiding the grin on his face. Even if his mouth was crooked, even if his voice didn't sound quite right, even then, Steve didn't care.
He kissed him on his not quite right face, right on those not quite right lips soft and smooth, his fingers brushing through that new not quite right here. James was here. Bucky was here, and that was quite right. Everything was.
"I love you too."