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For the Cruelty of Men Is as Wondrous as Peru

Summary:

In which Monty takes the Baudelaires to Peru

Notes:

For Beatrice -
My heart beats only for you. Yours does not beat at all.

Work Text:

In one world - in many of them, perhaps - Uncle Monty did not listen to the Baudelaires about Stephano, or acted on his own suspicions too late, and was killed by Count Olaf. Count Olaf tried to frame the Incredibly Deadly Viper for the murder and to take the Baudelaires out of the country but was foiled by some fast detective work, leaving the children to go on a number of greater and more terrible misadventures as he continued to pursue them. Monty's snakes and lizards and turtles were sent away to zoos and other herpetologists, and the great house with its massive reptile room on Lousy Lane lay empty and abandoned.

In this world, Monty took a look at their faces, at the dark circles beneath Violet's and Klaus' eyes, and whisked them away.

They did not waste much time packing; Monty had a go-bag for Viper Fetching Duties, and Violet, Klaus, and Sunny had begun to eagerly prepare for the trip before Olaf came and as such had many of the things they'd need already in a suitcase. Anything else, they'd buy in the city, on the boat, or once they'd reached Peru; for now, the four climbed into Monty's Jeep and sped down Lousy Lane, away from where Count Olaf was still pretending to work in the Reptile Room. He did not know his prey had once again slipped his grasp, and, as unfamiliar with their schedules as he was with the animals that surrounded him, he would not realize for a few hours yet.

"I don't want to leave them behind," Monty said as they passed the stinking horseradish factory and approached the city, "but they're sturdy specimens, and the Herpetological Society knows about most of them. I have my notes." In the footwell of the front passenger's seat, something dark shifted. "And the Incredibly Deadly Viper, of course. Now, what do you three know about Peru? Or about herpetological expeditions?"

They arrived in the city shortly before lunch, and decided to eat lunch at a salmon-themed restaurant before boarding the Prospero. While the children enjoyed the fish (and Sunny equally enjoyed chewing on the ceramic plate they'd come on), Monty had a seemingly incomprehensible conversation with the waiter, in which he learned several important things, namely:

  1. the man posing as Stephano was really Count Olaf, and not a spy for the Herpetological Society,
  2. it was imperative that they leave the country immediately, and
  3. there was a survivor of a fire in the Mortmain Mountains.

When I heard of the latter, I was, for a moment, ecstatic, a word which here means "so desperately hopeful for a particular outcome of this event to the point I had forgotten the rash of high-profile arsons within the city over the past several months." When Monty heard it, he was also no doubt ecstatic; so too would Violet, Klaus, and Sunny be if they had understood the message.

And, like mine, their excitement would have turned to a second grief, the taste of ash bitter on their tongues. Perhaps it is best that they did not know what Monty had been told, that they could meet a friend without the weight of their mother's ghost.

The Baudelaires boarded the Prospero that afternoon, dodging two white-faced ticket sellers and a hook-handed steward (with the aid of a strange yet familiar taxi driver). There they stayed until the boat set off three hours early the next morning, leaving the ticket sellers and steward and an enterprising gentleman wearing riding boots by the name of Uncl' Lafoot dockside.

From there, the Baudelaires went on a great many adventures, some not at all unfortunate. They were never forced to live in an orphan shack or go on the run or any number of horrible things they had to do in other worlds - at least, not yet.

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