Reservice

by merlinsshaggybeard

Summary:

This is just my take on Shiro moving on from Adam and falling in love again with Curtis. Canon compliant. This is going to be pretty angsty, even more than usual, so big warning. Begins with Shiro returning home amidst a Galra infested Earth.

EDIT: guys im so sorry i forgot to add the trigger warnings again. they're in the tags. please note the TWs!!!

Notes:

Forgive me, Father, for i have sinned.
I know i should stick to my Adashi fic which is a bigger task than this one (especially since i have like ABSOLUTELY NO TIME) but i just couldn't help myself. I love Curtis and i needed to write about him as well. this isn't going to be from Curtis's POV. instead we're getting first hand commentary from our lord and saviour Takashi Shirogane himself. i thought i'm mature enough to work from his pov now that i've had so much practise with my other fic. so here it goes.

Chapter 1

Shiro was not sure what he had expected. When he had discovered that the Galra had already found Earth, for several seconds he had believed that the message left by Sam had been posthumous. An echo of the lumpy rock he called home.

And then when they landed on Earth and entered the dome, Shiro had not allowed himself to look for him. For his only remaining family in this universe.

It was Iverson who had pulled him aside and broken the news to him. Shiro was unsure whether he would have preferred if he had not been told that. Or perhaps it was the way Iverson had broken the news to him. It had been cold, formal, professional. Not unkind, of course. But rushed. They were waiting for him to join them at the fight. No one knew Adam except for Keith and they had not brought up where he had disappeared to with Iverson for those 10 minutes. Why would they? He might as well have been to the toilet and happened to have joined Iverson on his way to the washrooms.

He had been surprised that even Keith had not asked him about Adam until much later. Much much later, when the paladins had returned from their first mission on Earth. But it would have been too presumptuous to assume that Keith, who had been hurt by Adam so much, would ask about him. Keith had never mentioned Adam except for when Shiro had politely inquired after his well-being, to which the answer had been cold and harsh. With a handful of words, Keith had explained how Adam had been since the fateful day (or night, however one would look at it, floating in the darkness of space) Shiro, Sam and Matt had disappeared off of Kerberos.

But it still would have been nice to have been asked after. “Shiro, you must be devastated now that he’s gone. Would you some tea?”

It was Veronica who had asked him first how he was dealing with it. Quite surprising given that Shiro had simply assumed people to have forgotten their friendships with him. It has been quite some time, and Shiro, too has been through enough to forget what he felt for the humans on Earth. Except for him, of course.

“Adam talked about you a lot,” she told him as she pushed a cup of water into his hand.

Shiro raised his eyes from his pads and blinked confusedly at the cup of water in his hand, instead of the pen he had been writing with. “What?”

“Adam talked about you a lot,” she repeated. She sat opposite him and eyed him carefully, anxiously. Did she think he was going to burst into tears?

“Oh.” Shiro stared at her, not knowing what to say.

“Do you want to hear more about him? We spent a lot of time together during the past few years.”

Shiro lowered his eyes uncomfortably. Veronica felt like a stranger at this point. Did she know him? How could she have known Adam as well as Shiro? No one did, not Adam’s parents. Whatever she could say about Adam would be only partially true. It would be what she had witnessed, what she had understood or assumed. And then there was the issue with remembering all that correctly. Memory was a funny thing, and no one understood that better than Shiro. So much of his own memory was a muddled mess today. Sometimes he even questioned his memories of Adam, too. “Sure.” He shrugged.

Veronica nodded, smiling. It appeared as though she had wanted to say it more than she wanted to know whether Shiro wanted to hear it.

Shiro did not understand very well why he agreed to it. It seemed like a violation of a promise. ‘Don’t expect me to be here, Takashi.’ Adam had not wanted to be with him when Shiro had last spoken with him. ‘You’ll have a safe trip,’ Adam had said quietly, unsmiling, ‘so I won’t wish you good luck. But please don’t come begging when you’re back. I won’t be here to welcome you.’ It was certainly a violation. But Shiro was selfish. Adam was right about that. He was stupidly selfish. He was willing to violate Adam after his death because he missed him.

Veronica touched his hand kindly. “He thought you’d come back and grovel,” she said.

Shiro looked up, his throat clenching shut.

“He was waiting for you to come back and say sorry. So that he could forgive you. He was worried that you’d be drowning in guilt.”

Shiro waited, quite patiently, really, for the tears. But they did not come. He was too spent to cry. He had cried only once since the battle with Zarkon, before he discovered he was a clone, before he had discovered he had died. Back when he still had been unable to pick up the razor or the scissors, and had to stay in bed because everything he ate, he spewed out. He had sobbed to his heart’s content, rocking back and forth, grieving as though he had actually died. He had not known then that that would be the last time he would cry.

And today his best friend and the man he was in love with had been cruelly murdered and he could not shed a drop from his eyes.

But he was not too upset. It was odd. But he really was not too upset. He was filled with guilt, as Adam had predicted. Adam should not have been alone when the invasion happened. Shiro should have been with him. Shiro should have protected him. Shiro was the one who was supposed to die. Not Adam. But, strangely, oddly, and quite surprisingly, he was not too upset.

When was the last time he had felt strongly? Everything was too muted and cold and distant. He missed Black more than Adam just then.

“Oh,” Shiro mumbled once more, just as awkwardly.

Veronica waited for some time for Shiro to speak and when he did not, she patted his hand once more.

Lance had told them that she had been a bit of a role model for him. Shiro had felt a bit less burdened by the thought that he was not the only role model for Lance.

“Do you want some coffee? Tea?” she shrugged. “I think we have beer, too. Tastes like shit, though.”

A little laugh sputtered out of him and he chuckled. “I’m good, thanks.” He shook his head. It was a lie. He wanted a cup of tea and a hug. A warm powerful hug that could crush him into darkness. He missed Black.

“Shiro, I think he’d have wanted you to know… He loved you. Till the last moment.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he said that. He told me he loved you still.”

Shiro shook his head. “No, I mean… How do you know he’d have wanted me to know that?”

Veronica raised her brows. She was worried about him.

Was it normal for her to do that? It was odd to have someone genuinely worry about you, because they did not want you to be unwell, and not because they expected and needed you to stand strong and be the legend the universe has proclaimed you to be.

“Because he told me he was worried about you. He was afraid that you were sick, and upset, and afraid and lonely. And he wanted to help you.”

Shiro nodded. “Sounds like him.”

“Yeah.” She patted his hand once more.

It did sound like him. Adam was infinitely kind, stupidly kind, ridiculously kind. Why else would he stick around with Shiro until the last day before the launch? Even after the breakup, Adam had shown up at his doorstep to cook, sometimes with tupperware full of food, sometimes he would call to remind him about the doctor’s appointments that were getting more and more frequent. At the routine pre-mission therapy sessions, the therapist had asked Shiro about his breakup, to make sure he was mentally well enough to not have a breakdown while in outer space, and Adam had offered to join him once.

“He deserved better than what Sanda did,” Veronica said, lowering her voice. But it did not hide the venom in her tone.

Shiro paused. He took a little sip of the water and then downed it when he realised how thirsty he was. “They all did, Veronica. Maybe it’s a good thing Adam has no one to grieve him except me. The others must be devastated.”

Veronica pulled away her hand, but leaned over, frowning deeper. “Shiro… you must be devastated.”

Again, instead of crying or shouting in anger, or any of that sort of thing, Shiro snorted out a laugh. Veronica was the last person he had expected to hear that from. He had wanted Keith to say that, or even the other paladins. Coran maybe. But Veronica had never crossed his mind.

“What?” she asked, confused and even more worried.

“I just realised there’s more of you.” He pursed his lips realising he did not make much sense.

“What?” she asked predictably.

“I mean…” It was exhausting to explain. Words, words, words. “I just realised that… the paladins aren’t the only people around. Like. There are more people.”

Veronica gazed at him. “You’ve been in space too long. You’re home now. Earth has a lot of humans you can be friends with. And hang out with.”

Shiro blinked, surprised. He really had not considered that. “Like who?”

“My friends, for starters. I could introduce you to some people.”

“I… uh…” He had not spoken to people with the intent of friendship and relaxing in too long to remember how to proceed. “I don’t know… how to…”

“It’s OK. They’re good people. Rima already asked if you’d like to hang out. I’ll ask Curtis, too.”

“Rima… Curtis…”

“Rima is that engineer Iverson was talking to. The one with the brown hair. And Curtis is our senior comms officer. Remember him from the meeting?”

Shiro nodded. The tall handsome guy who had stared at Keith and Pidge rather blatantly until Keith had glowered at him and he had looked away with embarrassment. “Yeah. I remember them.”

“You wanna hang out sometime? After work?”

“Um. How about during lunch? Is that OK?” He needed those few hours of peace and quiet.

“Sure!” She smiled warmly.

“Great. Thanks for doing this.”

“Someone has to babysit you.”

Shiro pursed his lips. It was meant as a harmless jibe but it only reminded him of Adam, and why he had left Shiro. Why his life had spiraled into what it was today.

“It was a hurtful joke and I take it back,” Veronica said, grimacing.

Shiro laughed. “It’s actually pretty funny.”

She crossed her arms on the table, smiling at him. “How about that tea?”

“Ah…” Shiro did not know whether he should refuse or not. He did not want to get close to her, but he did not want to offend her either. She was already offering so much kindness.

“I’ll get you the tea and leave you in peace. You can get back to work then.”

“I have a lot of work.” He smiled apologetically.

“It’s OK, Shiro, you don’t have to force yourself to do anything you don’t want to.” She laughed heartily and stood up. “I just wanted to make sure you know that you’ve got someone you can call if you need anything. Anything at all. A cup of tea, an extra pair of hands to help you move. A friendly ear, or a shoulder. I could, ah, find you a guy.” She winked and Shiro flushed. “Just kidding. A drinking buddy, whatever you need. Just call. You’re not alone here.”

Shiro smiled. He knew he was not going to call unless it was an utter emergency. “Thanks, Veronica. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Now, the tea.”

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Notes:

what the fuck is this shit
i don't know
it's something
urgh
so. if anyone from my other fic is here, hello. i'm sorry. i should stick to one fic at a time. but i'm a selfish bitchy bitch. i swear i'm working hard. 24 hours isn't enough. but i'm on it.
to my new readers. what the fuck are you even doing here? but since you're already here. please make youself at home and enjoy this shitshow. it's got angst in it.

“Is it true?” Keith had asked, still in his armour. His voice was low, almost whispering.

Shiro was going to return to work after a brief chat with the paladins. But he paused. “What is?” he whispered back.

“About Adam. That Sanda killed him on the first encounter?”

Shiro stared at him. For half a second he considered feigning. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he could say and leave. It would be rude. Should he not be allowed to be rude about this one thing? He had nothing else, after all. Adam was supposed to be the one thing he had. “Yeah, Adam’s dead,” he answered calmly. The words did not make sense to him and he did not bother to try and decipher them. He needed to maintain control. At least until this was over.

Keith’s neck seemed to jerk slightly, startled. He blinked rapidly a few times and then gazed intensely at Shiro, observing him. “How are you dealing with this?”

Shiro smiled. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine,” he said with such practised ease that Keith believed him.

“I’m glad you’re over him,” Keith said, smiling. “I was worried… I’m still sorry though.” His smile fell.

“Thanks, Keith. Now get back and freshen up. I’ll have some food sent. You can sleep after you eat. Inform the others.”

And that had been it.

Shiro had been worried that the others would find out. Clearly people talked about him. Shiro was a strange specimen, the strangest of humanity. The youngest commander in at least past century if not more. Disabled. With no friend or family. Former black paladin. His hair, his scar, everything drew attention. So he had assumed they would talk. But it appeared that either the others had not found out, or they had been respectful and kind enough to not press him about it or even give him strange looks. The latter being absolutely impossible, Shiro knew perfectly well.

True to her word, Veronica introduced him to both Rima and Curtis during lunch. They were both wonderful people, really. But everyone was too exhausted after working for over 20 hours straight that no one except Shiro could hold on to a coherent conversation. Shiro accustomed to working for days without sleep, offered to get them the filthy sewer water that they called coffee, but Veronica refused.

“We’re done for the day, Commander,” she told him. “Please. No more.”

“I’m just - I’m just - yeah.” He nodded, embarrassed. “We need sleep. I’ll finish the map in the meantime. We need a plan by tomorrow.”

“You’re not going to sleep?” Curtis asked, squinting suspiciously.

Shiro shook his head. “We’re short on time. And staff.” He frowned.

Veronica yawned loudly. “Man! Lance said you don’t sleep and I though he was exaggerating.”

“Is he for real?” Curtis murmured, turning to Rima who yawned even louder.

“I don’t know, man,” she answered. “I can’t see anymore.” She opened her eyes wide and they welled instantly. She squeezed them shut and covered her face, moaning. “I need to lie down. I’m fucking shaking.”

Shiro nodded, standing. “You guys should sleep.”

“But you’re not,” Veronica said, laughing.

“Is he for real?” Curtis demanded once more.

Veronica elbowed him, still laughing, almost hysterical. She rubbed her eyes and sighed loudly. “I told you he’s weird.”

Curtis eyed him from head to toe. The others stood but Curtis remained seated. “I don’t mind waiting,” he said hesitantly.

Shiro’s brows shot up in surprise. No once, since Coran and Allura had offered that. He had forgotten that humans would do that, too. “No, no. Don’t worry about it, Curtis, really. I’ve stayed up late before.”

“Are you at least going to shower?” Veronica asked, wrinkling her nose.

“Do I smell?”

“I shouldn’t answer that question. You can fire me.”

“Oh, come on.”

“Commander, sir, please.”

Shiro pursed his lips. “I’ll shower and change once I’m done.” No point showering now and getting all sweaty right before the next meeting. Then he realised he probably will not be sleeping that night. At all. The sweepers will find him at the conference hall early the next morning barely having finished the map. At the Castleship, the others did not bother him at the observatory or bridge unless he missed a meal. Especially if he was working. He could pull an all-nighter and not have anyone pester him with such questions as these posed by Veronica and Curtis. Shiro was free to ruin his health to his heart’s content for sake of mental peace and the illusion of control over himself and his life.

They left him, Curtis still thoroughly disturbed, while Veronica cackling maniacally as though sleeplessness had fried her brains. Rima kept bumping into things as though she had really gone blind with sleep.

Strange things the body did, if one did not sleep for too long. But Shiro was used to that. If it got too much, he would spend a few minutes orienting himself -- sit silently and let his mind settle and relax. And as soon as the cloud dissipated, he would return to work. He had practice from the prison. Haggar had put him through some rigorous training, sending him to the arena over and over again, often without food, often without a wash, and usually hardly any sleep. Sometimes still drowsy from the experimentation chambers, a few times still recovering from an infection or a maladjustment of the prosthetic she had built for him. It was hard to sleep with people screaming and crying constantly around him. It was hard to sleep with a corpse or a dying alien, oozing blood, gore and all sorts of things that was supposed to stay inside, onto the floor and stinking up the cell. And it was hard to sleep waiting for something bad to happen. A few snatches of sleep did wonders for him when he really truly needed it.

To his surprise, along with the sweepers, Curtis appeared at the conference room. His eyes were puffy and he was still in his civvies. His hair was a greasy nest of spikes that had been carelessly smoothed without a comb. His breath stank when he spoke. He placed the disgusting mug of the horrendous brown liquid before Shiro and said in a hoarse voice, “If you don’t mind, sir, I’ve brought some coffee.”

“Are you OK?” Shiro asked with genuine concern.

Curtis frowned at him. “I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.” He seemed slightly offended.

“Curtis, I --” Shiro paused, his cheeks flushing with gratitude. “I don’t know how to thank you.” He sipped the gross liquid and almost gagged, covering his mouth with the pretense of wiping his lips. “Thanks. You really didn’t have to. And did you come right out of bed?”

“I changed,” he assured him. “Did you sleep at all?”

Shiro smiled good-naturedly. “Haven’t had the time, really. But good thing is, this is done. We have a map now. And I have a plan.” He nodded resolutely.

Curtis glanced at his pad and then at the big screen. “Looks pretty detailed.”

“I did some guess-work, so we have a lot more than we’d initially intended.”

“Guess-work?!” he exclaimed, alarmed.

“It’s accurate. Don’t worry, I won’t send my paladins to death.” He smirked.

“How do you know it’s accurate?” He calmed down a little.

It was flattering to see him and all these people on Earth trust him. It was one thing for aliens who knew about Voltron and Shiro the Hero to trust him and another for his own people to trust him, where he grew up, where he graduated from, under the guidance all these senior officers.

“It’s just minor calculations.” He opened one of the older drafts and pointed at a section that was completely blank, which he had filled in, in the finished work. “It’ll take a while to explain it.”

Curtis nodded slowly, gazing at it. “I’d like to learn how to do that,” he said thoughtfully.

Shiro paused, confused. Why would he need to learn that? What did a comms officer need to do? Shiro realised he did not really know much about the duties and responsibilities of a senior comms officer. “Sure.” He nodded.

Curtis nodded again, distractedly, still gazing at the draft. He stepped closer and tapped his chin thoughtfully. Shiro wondered what he was thinking. “Thank you, sir,” he answered a bit later.

Notes:

yay

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Notes:

O_O new chapter all y'all.
And i promise i'm working on my other fic as well. it's just that this one is so much easier to work on because the chapters are so small ;-; frick me.

anyway. here's more. let me know what you think. thanks for reading! :)

oh and happy new year! it's exactly 12:05 am right now haha

Shiro had elected Rima and Curtis to be at the bridge of the IGF-Atlas. Or rather he had just informed them to be at those specific stations without any formal recommendations or recruitment, or anything really. Iverson had not protested, neither had anyone else. Curtis and Rima had nodded and ran out to prepare the warship. No one had had the time to think through formalities and fairness and going through resumes. The paladins were gone, the Lions were gone, and Shiro was not sure if he could launch the Atlas.

Shiro had expected people to protest, when he had tossed out orders as though he was entitled to, but instead, they had eventually decided to deem him the Captain of Atlas and proceeded to follow through without a question. It had baffled him at first and then he had accepted it. It appeared as though people constantly wanted him to lead. Allura had taken one look at him and chosen him to be the black paladin. Was it his face? Was it the scar? What was it? It was something, clearly.

Seeing the paladins, especially Keith, fly the Lions without being in them, he had been surprised. He had swelled with pride and relief, and even hope. If something happened to him, and he could not come back like last time, then they could handle themselves. He had quickly banished the thought and decided to dwell on it later when he went to bed.

They barely won, and when it was over, Shiro was scrambling to clean up after them. The paladins needed to be hospitalised. The Lions needed to be extracted. The Atlas needed to be repaired. And then there was the question of the Galra survivors. Sendak’s body. He did not realise he was severely injured until his vision suddenly turned black, leaving him disoriented and too distracted to listen to what people were saying.

Terrified, he had not allowed any sign appear on his face. Instead he had just rubbed his face and squeezed his eyes shut, kneading his skull to get his vision to work properly. His senses could not fail while he was around people. It was only the privacy of his room where he allowed himself the luxury of being sick.

Yet when he left for his office, to get back to work, Curtis had ran up to him, himself looking exhausted, with Veronica dragging herself at his heels. “Captain!” he called. He did not call him Commander anymore.

Shiro paused to look at him, alert. “Yeah. What is it? Did Iverson reject the application?” he asked, mentally going through the hasty and short paragraph he had written. Iverson was trying to be the filter that was becoming a thorn on Shiro’s side. He understood things worked differently on Earth, that they had a method and formal proceedings that required approvals and long dragged out meetings. But they were barely making through after the massive battle, and the long, long occupation.

“What? No, no.” Curtis hesitated, glancing at Veronica. “Your doctor called, sir. She said you haven’t gone back to the hospital. You missed your check-up.”

“What check-up?” Shiro had completely forgotten that injuries on Earth meant he needed to visit a doctor, and not just pop himself into a crypod for a couple of hours.

Curtis raised a brow. “You were injured at Sendak’s ship while dismantling the power crystal. And then you had a fight with Sendak himself. And then you were on the ship when it crashed. And that was yesterday.” His eyes gleaned over Shiro’s hair searching for sprinkles of the previously noticeable red blood on his white hair that he had returned with from Sendak’s ship.

Shiro ran his fingers through his hair. He had showered in a hurry, during which he had ignored the colourful bruises, too distracted with the rapid and new developments and had immediately forgotten about them as soon as he had put his tank top on.

“I’m fine,” he said and immediately realised how much of a lie that was. There was pressure behind his eyes that made him feel as though his brain would leak through his nose.

Curtis raised another brow, glancing at Veronica again. She frowned at Shiro. “Are you sure, sir? You don’t look very well,” he said.

“Oh.” But he was not in any physical pain. Just that pressure behind his eyes. Then his eyes widened in surprise. As if through a fog, the numerous aches and pains slowly started to reach his body, one at a time. He realised he was terribly hungry and thirsty, and even a little bit nauseous. He could not tell if it was because of working too hard and too long or from the empty stomach. Or it could even be from the splatter of dark bruises across his abdomen that Sendak had gifted him. Had it been Sendak? It could have been the crash, as well.

“Shiro, you should still have yourself looked at,” Veronica told him, frowning even deeper.

Shiro nodded, conceding. “Yeah. I just need to --”

“Not now.”

“But --”

“Shiro, you can do that later. You need medical attention. You’re going to faint. You were a few minutes ago!”

Shiro pursed his lips. So they had noticed then. It sent a shiver of panic down his back. His heart jumped and skipped and told him to hide, to run, to defend himself, and then finally to freeze. He fought the urge to crouch and nodded again. “All right,” he said and then forced a smile. “Thanks.”

They did not smile back, eyeing him from head to toe.

 

 

 

 

The check-up went exactly as he had assumed. When he finally returned to his room, he had to curl up in the shower and stare a white terror at the blank wall opposite him. He was supposed to bathe, but he could not. He had kept his boots on and the shower turned off. And he had sat quietly for almost an hour, gathering himself together and fighting the nausea.

The doctors had innumerable questions. Shiro had eventually asked them to stop asking questions regarding his time spent at the prison for the sake of his mental well-being. Because if he fell ill just then, he would need a few hours to reorient himself and he did not have the time to go through a full course panic attack. That explanation had been sufficient. The doctors had burned with curiosity, their cheeks twitching, their mouths opening and closing, the glances frantic. They nudged glanced at each other and sometimes even openly whispered in front Shiro.

“I don’t want to be back,” Shiro told them firmly. “So let’s get this done with properly.”

“It will take much longer,” they said anxiously, their mouths watering, as they gazed at his body. “You could rest here.”

“I don’t need to rest. I need to get this over with. I’ll rest in my quarters.” Pulling a bit of rank did wonders, Shiro discovered.

The medicines they gave him helped sooth the pain and give him some hours of dreamless sleep. He woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of scratches on his door. Turning on the lights, he prepared himself for an attack. But when he opened the door, he saw nothing. He stepped out, turning his head this way and that and still found an empty hallway.

Confused, and still afraid, he shut the door and turned around, and shrieked as little creatures ambushed him, climbing up his trousers and squeaking. And then he finally saw them. The space mice. He let his eyes roll back into his skull and leaned back, sliding down the door.

Shiro wanted to faint. But he did not.

So he decided to sleep.

He brought the shivering mice with him to his bed and murmured some affectionate words. “Don’t worry. You’ll see her again. She’s just sleeping.”

They gazed at him and let themselves to be petted and stroked. They did not mind his solid and hard prosthetic fingers. How sweet of them. Shiro pressed his nose against one of them and he squeaked, leaning onto his face.

For the first since the battle with Zarkon, Shiro slept peacefully.

Notes:

Shiro is a dumbass: the sequel. that's what i should've titled this fic.
thanks for reading! please leave a comment and let me know what you think! :)

Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Notes:

Since you guys deserve a nice treat cause y'all are absolutely gorgeous and amazing and wonderful and beautiful. and it's new year and i want to do something nice before this year kills me. here's another one. happy new year again!

The first time someone hugged him in a long time, it was in a hospital. And it was Hunk. It was exactly the bone crushing hug he had wanted, that almost made him puke out his breakfast. Hunk wrapped his arms around his waist and picked him up, exclaiming loudly, and introduced him to his family while still holding him off of the floor. It was pure indignity. But Shiro loved Hunk. He loved them so much it hurt. That was why he did not protest.

But then when Hunk released him, Shiro felt even more empty than he already had. The transient affectionate warmth when withdrawn left him even more cold. So much so that he shivered, despite the heat of Texas. That was when Shiro realised that a hug could not fix what was wrong with him. It was like putting a band aid on a decapitated head.

As he left, Shiro quietly accepted that he was not meant to be fixed. He could visualise himself as an old car that had broken down one too many times, survived one too many collisions. The car gave off a smell now, and an odd guttural noise from the depths of its belly. Eventually it will need to be put aside, the owner will need to buy another car. Maybe scavenge some parts if they are lucky and sell it for a few coins. He could see the abandoned car surrounded by a pile of garbage that cannot be burned or decayed, gathering moss and rust. Maybe a few birds or make a nest or two. When the birds leave, a snake will make it their home. Eventually it will become a part of the landscape. Forgotten.

That night, after work, Shiro did not return to his quarters. Work had gone on smoothly, too smoothly in fact, which had left Shiro with a sense of satisfaction that he wanted to share with someone. Adam specifically. Coming back home, everything reminded Shiro of him.

Shiro found two small bottles of beer and went to the empty terrace above his building. He took small sips of the icy cold beer and tried to make it last as long as possible. There was no guarantee he could get another bottle in the next month. Everything was so scarce now. The taste of the beer was a bit better this time, and it washed away the horrible flavour of the mildew scented sewage water they called coffee and the badly cooked canteen food. They must have hired a cook with his skills as they seemed to have forgotten both oil and salt and overcooked everything. The rice had become porridge and the potatoes were chewy and unsalted.

At least they still had beer. The world could run out of medicine, but it would not run out of alcohol.

Staring up at the starry sky now, Shiro wondered if beyond that velvety sea, there was a universe where Adam did not die. He could see a different Adam, identical to the last pockmark on his cheeks, the same grumpy, perpetually slightly annoyed, impossibly kind, hard working, supremely talented, with incredible cooking skills, just walking about from one Garrison meeting room to another, chatting with Veronica, Curtis, Rima, Iverson, the paladins and maybe even Shiro. In this universe, Shiro came home and Adam did not die, and when Shiro got down on his knees, gripped Adam’s calves and pressed his teary, snotty face into his thigh, Adam forgave him.

Shiro could see him, frowning down at Shiro, grumbling, putting aside his mug of coffee or maybe even tea, because Adam hated bad food and the tea was still pretty decent. Adam would scold Shiro, call him names. ‘You stupid fucking moron,’ Adam would say, scowling furiously. He would not forgive Shiro immediately. Instead he would say, ‘You absolute god damned idiot. I told you not to go. I fucking told you.’ And then Adam would smack his forehead and sigh heavily and groan. ‘You know better than to not listen to me. I’ve been babysitting your ass since the day we met. I know you better than your fucking mamma did. You dumb fucking asshole.’

Shiro would sob, wiping his nose on his wet sleeves, and fall at his feet, grabbing his knees, rubbing his legs. ‘Adam, I’m so sorry!’ he would blubber. ‘You deserve so much better!’

What would Adam say then? Shiro both knew and did not. You can’t predict people to the last word, even if you know them inside-out.

Would Shiro say something else? He knew he would cry, sob his eyes out. Or maybe he would not, because Adam would never have died. That fear of losing him to death would not have been so real as it is here.

“You lucky bastard,” Shiro murmured thinking of the alternate universe Shiro who got his best friend back. “You don’t deserve him.”

Shiro thought of the last time the two of them had sat on a Garrison terrace and looked at the stars. They had had sex that night, after returning to their quarters. He remembered the noises Adam would make, his eyes, his lips, his nose, the sweat on his forehead. How he would taste, how he would respond to each touch.

How could Shiro not remember many things and then remember these things so perfectly? He could taste Adam in his mouth, every inch of his body. He could feel Adam’s teeth, his tongue, his lips, his fingers on his own body.

Would Adam want this body? This grotesque, disabled, scarred, and even cloned body, that has killed and tortured so many people? No one would know. What would Adam say of the paladins? Of the Black Lion? Of him being the black paladin? Of him losing his Lion, his body, his life, his mind, his soul? What he think of Shiro being the Captain of the IGF-Atlas?

Would Adam ever forgive him for all that he did at the prison? The lives he took, the bodies he maimed in the name of entertainment, to please his masters, to elicit as many pained cries as he could so that when he was done, they would let him have a hot bath. So that when he was done, they would let him have some oil or ointment to treat the rash between his thighs, or antibiotics or a session in the cryopod for the infection in his arm or his tongue.

What would Adam think of Champion? Of Shiro the Hero? Of these titles, both so vastly different from each other and yet have now come to mean the same thing.  

Shiro realised he did not know Adam. Suddenly he was filled with dread. If he did not know Adam how would he remember him? What if eventually Shiro forgot him? What then? Who would remember Adam?

It was so cruel to leave someone only enough memories to be remembered with imperfectly. Suddenly, with cold dread, Shiro wondered if Adam would actually behave and respond the way he had been imagining he would. What if he said something else? What if he looked towards his left instead of his right, as Shiro had believed he would?

Shiro almost sprang to his feet in terror. He turned to the stars and angrily, with hot fear, said, “Adam, what do I do? You’re not here and I have only some memories. What if I don’t know you enough? Fuck!” He gripped his head, panicking. “Why did you have to go? What if I remember you wrong? That’ll become the truth, it’ll become the false truth. Without you here to correct me.”

Shiro tugged at his hair in frustration. “Argh! You should’ve left me when we found out about the disease. That way you’d have met someone more deserving of you. Someone who could’ve remembered you better than me. Fuck, I’m not good enough to remember you!”

He groaned loudly, glaring up at the sky. He could see Adam’s face in the constellations, smirking down at him with his signature ‘I told you so,’ look. “You fucking asshole,” Shiro grumbled, leaning back against the wall. He buried his face into his hands.

What now?

When his phone chirped he ignored it. Then a few minutes later, it chirped again. Thinking it was from work, Shiro opened it with a heavy annoyed and tired sigh. He had two video messages from Curtis.

Confused and surprised, Shiro opened the first one. It was a close view of Curtis frowning at the camera so close that Shiro could witness the glory of his nostrils. He looked absolutely exhausted. “So, uh…” Curtis started and looked away, looking confused. He sighed. “What was it?” he asked someone behind the camera.

“For the love of god --” Iverson barked angrily, and Curtis rolled his eyes and ended the video.

Shiro stared at the stilled shot of Curtis, his eyes turned towards the sky, lips pursed. He was still very handsome making that silly face. It made Shiro snort out a laugh. So he opened the next video.

It had a much sober view of Curtis’s face and here he looked much better. His hairline was wet, as though he had just washed his face and he looked a bit less grubby, but still very exhausted. He rubbed his nose and sniffed, grinning with embarrassment, and spoke, “Uh, sorry about the last video. Mr - Commander Iverson --” He frowned, confused at himself for calling him Mr -- “uh, said you disappeared into the night like, and I quote, ‘Batman’…” He paused to chuckle and glance around. He was at the canteen and people spoke loudly around him. “Apparently you haven’t had your dinner yet, sir? So he said I should tell you to eat. I mean, I told him I saw you take two beers from the freezer but he just yelled at me.” He shrugged, glancing around once more. “The food’s good, too, today. But he said we’re allowed to use the kitchen. We’re still not allowed to bring stuff home, so, he said you can cook something. Now I asked -- and I apologise for this beforehand, sir -- I asked Veronica about this, and she, uh, she told me not to let you use the kitchen?” He frowned, raising a brow. “Sir, is it true that you have a property damage on your academic record, where you set the fire alarm off and they called the fire brigade? She said it was on the news and, um, I asked Keith about this but he says he doesn’t know so I don’t know if she’s just making it up or… I don’t know.” He pursed his lips. “So they told me to be around if you wanted to cook.” He shrugged, smiling. “That’s all. Uh, thanks.” Then he frowned again, confused and shook his head, turning off the camera hastily.

Shiro stared at Curtis’s little smile, grimacing. Why was everyone worried about him suddenly? What was he supposed to do about it? How was he supposed to respond to it? It has been so long since the last time people worried about him for his own sake that he did not know how to assure them. ‘I won’t fall sick during work, I promise’ did not sound very reassuring.

He texted Iverson: You’re not my dad.

Shiro froze realising what he had just typed. He was high on the momentary bliss Curtis had given him and, like a drunken ex, had said something ridiculous to his former instructor and current colleague.

He hastily typed out another text, explaining that he was going to eat soon, but Iverson called him. Embarrassed, he let it ring a couple of times before answering.

Iverson was silent at first and Shiro waited patiently, anxiously. “What?” he grunted.

Shiro flinched. “I accidentally sent that too early. It was supposed to be a part of a much longer text.” He squeezed his eyes shut, expecting tears. Maybe if Adam could not make him cry then Iverson could.

“Uh-huh.” A short pause. “What is it?”

“You need to stop pestering Curtis and let him go home. I’ll eat when I will. I’m capable to taking care of my basic needs.”

Iverson let a growling sigh. “I’m not pestering your friend, I told him that you could eat a proper meal this time instead of coffee or stealing beers. You’re not the only one who’s lost someone, Shiro. We all have.” He sighed again. “I’m going home. Sort this out with your friend.”

“Friend?”

“God - Curtis Sharma. Aren’t you two friends? He’s always talking about you.”

“Oh.” Shiro paused. Were they? “I’ll talk to him. Thanks.”

Iverson did not bother with a goodnight or a catch-you-later and cut the line.

Shiro stared at his phone.

Friends? Is that what was happening between him and Curtis? Friendship?

Shiro considered telling Curtis to fuck off as politely as he could. But then realised he could use the contacts. Besides, they would be working in close quarters at the Atlas bridge at least until the end of this war, after which Shiro would have probably had his funeral done with. By then, from the heavens, he would not have to worry about people thinking of him as a friend.

He glanced up the sky one last time and said, “Just a bit longer, Adam. I’m on my way. I’ll come home soon. I promise. I’ll make it home.” He finished his beer and picked up the other unopened bottle. “Just a bit longer,” he repeated, sighing. “You’ve waited this long. You can wait a bit longer. Just a little bit. It’ll be all right then. We’ll be OK then.”

With that, he pushed himself to his feet. If he treated friendship as work then perhaps he would be able to handle it better than fumbling awkwardly and confusedly. Besides, friendship with Rima, Curtis, Veronica, Iverson, and now even the paladins and Alteans, all had to do with work. They were his work friends. He was their work friend.

That’s right, he thought with relief. This is just work. 

He stepped out of the terrace into the brightly lit stairway and made his way to the canteen.

Notes:

yee

Chapter 5: Chapter 5

Notes:

More covid variants :3 yey
I've just finished Flights by Olga Tokarczuk and now i feel like running away. i've always wanted to travel.

anyway. i promise i'll post on my main fic. but for now. here's some more shiro angst. no curtis this time :(

just to be clear, since we hardly know anyting about curtis either, he's basically an OC here. also, i'm not a good writer, as in i'm not good at writing diverse characters, with unique individual characterisation. unfortunately, curtis and adam (from the other fic) might have a lot of similarities and i apologise for that :( i wish i could do better but this is all i've got to offer. thanks for reading, still!

Shiro could see him. Leaning over his bed. He was reading a book to Shiro, his voice loud and clear, well practised, because he has been doing this for a long time. They would sometimes watch movies, but Shiro liked it better when Adam read him something. Because that meant he got to hear Adam’s voice.

In his dream, the Galra never came and Adam forgave him. In his dream, they were living the future that they had envisioned together. Adam has taken Shiro as his husband, and now, middle-aged, Shiro was to leave him soon. Too sick and bedridden to even smile or blink to express his delight, Shiro stared at the ceiling, drowning himself in Adam’s calm voice, rolling the words in his mind, remembering them carefully so that he could go through them once more, then again, at night when he failed to sleep without Adam. Lying unmoving on the hospital bed. He did not have tell Adam how much he loved to hear his voice. Adam knew. He always did.

That was why he left Shiro. Because he hoped that Shiro loved him more than his ambitions.

Shiro could hear his voice as perfectly as though the past few years never happened. It was clear, not a word, not a syllabus was vague or unsure. Shiro’s cloned brain remembered Adam faultlessly, to the last sigh, to the last breath, to the last quirk of accent.

When Shiro awoke with a start, he wanted to punch himself so that he would faint and go back to that dream, sickly and dying, but with Adam.

“No,” he scolded himself and sat up.

Hastily putting his clothes on, the faded and over-washed gym clothes that the Garrison had provided him with since his return, the only clothes he had besides his three sets of uniform, Shiro stepped out. He put on his old black boots that the Galra had given him at the prison. He could not give them up, finding too much comfort in them, and the second pair that he had brought with him after he escaped the cloning base, he kept as well.

The boots did not go very well with his clothes and it made him a bit uncomfortable. He had not bothered to think much about it because he did not go out unless it was for work. But sometimes, when he could not sleep in the crushing loneliness of his empty bedroom, he would slip out and watch the handful of humans who would wander the streets, as sleepless as him, sometimes drunk, sometimes returning from somewhere. During these nightly pilgrimages, Shiro rarely met people who gave him any more than a first glance.

Once he met Iverson’s wife, excitedly buying herself some alien drinks with her friends, and being Japanese herself, she had struck up a short conversation with Shiro in their familiar old language. The thing about immigrants was that seeing someone else like yourself made you want to build a connection with them. It was with that intention Mrs. Iverson spoke with him, and it did warm Shiro’s heart to speak Japanese after such a long time. But it left him with a gnawing anxiety that the only off-duty impression Mrs. Iverson had of him was of mismatched and ugly gym clothes -- and of course eventually Iverson, as well, because surely she would go home and tell her husband over dinner that she had met the former black paladin, current captain of the IGF-Atlas, the one with the massive scar on his face, the one with the white hair.

Today, he met Krolia, and then as soon as her eyes recognised him, he saw Kolivan as well. They were holding hands, staring wide-eyed at Shiro.

“Keith is happy for me,” she told Shiro tensely, pulling him aside, and away from Kolivan. “I’m sorry. Perhaps I should have informed you as well.”

“Informed me?” Shiro raised his brows in surprise. “Krolia, I’m not in charge of your private life! You can love who you want, that’s on you!”

She pursed her lips. “Usually our commanders do not permit us to mate with our  immediate senior.”

“What?! No! That’s not - we don’t do that here. Or… the Atlas doesn’t.” Shiro paused, remembering the Galaxy Garrison dating policies. “There are some rules, but it doesn’t apply to aliens. Besides, you’re hardly a crew member of the Atlas. You’re also a Blade. That’s outside Earth’s jurisdiction entirely.”

She smiled. “Thank you.”

Shiro patted her hand, smiling. “I’m happy for you, too. I was worried for you.”

Krolia turned away, glancing at Kolivan staring through the windows of a convenience store. “He is good to me. And he’s a good friend.”

Shiro nodded. “Kolivan is a great guy.” Then he laughed. “I guess Keith has a new dad on the way, huh.”

She turned to him calmly, unembarrassed. “I believe so.”

Shiro raised his brows once more. “Really? That’s wonderful, Krolia!”

“Nothing is decided yet.”

“Still. It’s great that you’ve found someone.”

She nodded. Then she peered at him carefully. “Keith told me about your mate.”

Shiro’s grin fell. “Did he.”

“He told me he was unkind to you. But I understand that it must still be devastating.” She gazed at him kindly, as though she understood. Did she? She might.

“He wasn’t unkind, Krolia.” Shiro pursed his lips, frowning. “He… was the kindest person I’ve ever known. He did more for me than anyone ever has, or will. He was my best friend. We grew up together. He wasn’t anything like that.”

“I see.” She nodded, without a protest. “Keith must have misunderstood then.”

Shiro shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know what happened after I was gone. And I can’t find out, so…”

“I understand.”

Shiro looked up, gazing at her. He must be desperate then, because he said, “Do you?” He wished he had not. He did not want to share what he felt. If he did he would have to explain himself and that would dilute his memories and feelings. And he could not do that injustice to Adam. It was the least Shiro could do for him.

“I do. In some ways, at least.” She smiled gently.

Shiro suddenly wished he had a mother, too. Or a parent of some sort. “Must be the same for you. You were gone when he died.”

She smile faltered and she glanced down at the table between them. She clutched her hands together and drew in a deep breath. “I would give anything to have him back, Shiro. I would. As much as I love Kolivan… I would give anything to…” She shook her head and forced another smile. “You’ll learn to bear it. It takes time and a lot of effort. Do not give up fighting. This battle will continue till the last moment of consciousness. And it feels as though it will last beyond that even, beyond death.” She took his hand, his good fleshy hand so he felt the rough palms and the sharp claws. “But you will learn to live with it. Don’t give in to it. It doesn’t do to give in. Take the time you need but don’t give in.”

Shiro knew what she meant. Did that mean she herself had considered it? “Krolia, I’m not going to - I won’t give in,” he told her passionately. He believed what he said. “I can’t. I have the paladins to think of. The war won’t end on its own. I have things to do.”

“I mean after that. When this is over, and you have no one to lead, and no war to fight.”

Shiro paused, remembering the promise he had made recently to the stars, to Adam. Suddenly he was afraid, that she knew, that she could see right through him. Do all people grieve the same way? Or was it just that grief is too universal and familiar for her to simply know what he felt?

“You can’t always be leading a war.” She smiled. “Keith wants to help the Galrans who were abandoned or suffered some form of injustice because of the Empire. Especially the half-bloods. You could think of doing something like that.”

“I’m sure there would be work after the war. I won’t be unemployed.” He laughed uncomfortably. “They’d still need a pilot if nothing else.” He thought about it. Piloting again. His own ship, holding the steerings with his own two hands. It would not be Black, though. It would never be Black. Never again.

“I mean doing something that you can find yourself in. Something that you believe in.” She leaned forward. “You can’t let grief be your husband. He’s not a loving mate.”

Shiro laughed, and Krolia allowed a little smirk as well. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I don’t want Keith to lose another family,” she told him sadly, tiredly. “Especially after losing you so many times. I need you to be sound. For his sake.”

Shiro’s grin fell again. He turned away, flushing in anger but kept his mouth shut.

“I need you to think of him, at least,” she insisted once more.

He drew in a deep breath. She was not wrong. Keith would always be his responsibility. Whether Keith saw it as that or not. Shiro did not have much right over himself. Once more he guiltily thought of the promise he had made and grit his teeth against the impatience. Just a bit longer. “I will. I promise. The paladins are always my first priority, and always will be.” He smiled up at her. Then he asked, “How did you get over him?”

She blinked, and leaned back sharply as though flinching. Krolia sighed, turning away again to look at Kolivan. This time Kolivan was reading a pamphlet that advertised discounts and coupons and sales. He had a constipated look on his face though the ads were giving him a severe migraine. “The quintaints when I want to join him are becoming scarce and far between.” She turned to him sharply. “Don’t tell Keith.”

Shiro gulped, horrified and nodded quickly. “I won’t.”

“They don’t last as long as they did either.” She turned back Kolivan. He was now speaking with a thin tall woman with severe eye bags and a noticeable slump. She seemed like a human manifestation of Shiro’s perpetual exhaustion. She was explaining something to him about the pamphlet. “I guess… I don’t… I guess time helps. And Keith helped. Living with my son, knowing him, helped… What is strange is that… I hardly knew him and yet I knew him so much more than Keith does.”

Shiro nodded. “I know what you mean.”

Krolia clenched her jaws. “People can help you. There will always be those who want to help you. Sometimes they come much later in life, sometimes you don’t see them. But there’s always someone. But the thing is, Shiro, you have to take that help.” She sighed heavily, shutting her eyes. “No one can help you better than yourself. Because no one knows you better than you.”

Shiro swallowed, afraid. “What if I don’t know myself?”

She shrugged. “Then you can learn. You are your own teacher. Ask him, your teacher. Who are you? What makes you happy? What hurts more? What hurts most? Do you want to walk or take the bus?”

Shiro blinked, surprised. What? “I see.” He did see. In a way.

She lowered her eyes, staring down at her feet. “It’s not easy.”

He did not answer.

“But it does become bearable eventually. It has to. Everything becomes dull if you wait long enough. So does pain. So does loss. One day, I hope, you will see something wonderful and you wouldn’t think of sharing it with him. Instead, maybe you’d think of sharing it someone else. Or just… absorb it for yourself.”

Shiro lowered his eyes, hurt.

“We’re not built to be on our own, though,” She conceded, nodding. “Galra or human. We’re meant to be with people. Friends, brothers, sisters, parents, sons, daughters.”

He shrugged. “That’s the dilemma, isn’t it? If your grief comes from losing someone.”

Krolia nodded, lips pursed. “If you have friends, if they’re good and kind, then hold on to them.”

Shiro was quiet. How does one do that?

But Krolia, despite her clairvoyance with regard to grief and loss, did not see that in him. She smiled, patting his hand. “You have good friends, Shiro. You’ll pull through eventually. Don’t give in.”

He pushed a smile out, nodding. “Thanks, Krolia,” he murmured.

Notes:

is it obvious that i have a mild crush on korlia? i love her character, too. she's that traditionally male character who leaves off into the sea to find himself, or to fight a war, or for work, and he's forced to leave behind his wife and newborn child, both of whom he loves. and then the kid grows up half an orphan, unknowingly or knowingly follows in his footsteps and then finally joins him in a similar quest. i've always wondered what it must be like to have a woman do that, and now we have krolia! i can see why Texas dad fell for her. who the fuck wouldn't.

anyway. let me know what you guys think. leaving a comment really helps writing this fic! thanks for reading :3

Chapter 6: Chapter 6

Notes:

Some curtashi today for all y'all.

let me know what you think. that would help a bunch! enjoy! :)

Shiro did not realise he was being watched until he heard the footsteps come closer. He turned around and saw an embarrassed Curtis with an arm full of white lilies and some incense.

“Curtis?” Shiro called, his eyes wide. He felt as though Curtis had invaded his bedroom.

“Sorry I thought I’d wait,” he said, looking away with an apologetic smile that was more of a grimace than a grin. “But I’ve been standing here for like 15 minutes so… I’m - I’ll just leave these here and leave.”

“Did you lose someone, too?” he blurt out thoughtlessly and mentally berated himself.

“What? Oh. I…” Curtis bent over and placed the lilies before the memorial wall. “I know most of them. The first squadron had most of my friends there. I knew, uh, I knew Lieutenant Waseem as well. A little bit. He was my junior at the academy.”

Shiro stared down at him, seeing him in a new light. How horrific it must have been for him, watching his friends and colleagues die in such a global massacre. “Do you come here often?”

“No, not really.” He lit the incense sticks and stabbed them onto the tray. “I thought I’d pay them a visit before we take off. If I’d known you’d come too I would’ve picked another time. I really didn’t mean to invade your privacy.”

Shiro sighed, already having forgotten the crime. “It’s all right, Curtis. This is a public memorial. I’m sorry for what you had to go through, enduring all that.”

Curtis remained kneeling, eyes glancing from one name to another. “I was the comms officer, sir,” he said with a sigh. “I heard most of their last words.”

Shiro put a foot back to keep himself from toppling over, reeling from the revelation.

“Some of them lived for a few hours before dying.” He pointed at a name. “She was alive but we couldn’t get to her. She was in the middle of a Galra station on the surface. They couldn’t find her but she was injured.”

“She died,” Shiro breathed. “How?”

“Infection. I… was with her. She didn’t have any supplies and the best I could do was… call a doctor and talk to her, give her some suggestions.” He shrugged. “I knew she was dead when she stopped speaking. But then the doctor said that she was just too sick to answer. So I kept talking. We all did.”

“How long?”

“About… 40 more minutes? I’d have gone on but there I had stuff to do.”

“What did you say?”

Curtis shrugged. “This and that. We assured her that she’s going to be OK. That we’d take care of everything. That she had nothing to worry about. I told her the menu for dinner that night. Told her about a book I was reading.” He paused, lips pursed. “This and that,” he repeated.

Shiro stared at the lilies in his arms. “Can I have an incense?” he asked timidly.

Curtis took out one, and then all of them from the packet. “You don’t have to ask, sir.”

Shiro knelt down, setting the lilies and lit up the incense. He breathed in the fresh sweet smell and thought of him. “Can I ask for a favour? It’s a bit… it’s a lot, I know. So please don’t hesitate to say no.”

Curtis nodded earnestly. “Of course, sir.”

Shiro flushed. Curtis was such a kind man. Shiro was surrounded by such wonderful people, it was incredible, really. How fortunate he was, to know and exist around such wonderful people. “It’s about Lieutenant Waseem. Were you with him when he…?”

He nodded calmly. His expression did not change. It gave Shiro some strength to speak, to not see the pity and dismay and sympathy in Curtis’s eyes. “Yes. I was.”

“What was it like for him? Did he suffer?” Shiro held his breath, waiting.

His eyes softened. “No.” He shook his head. “He went quickly. They did not miss, the Galra, I mean. They hit the pilot’s seat directly. There was hardly anything left afterwards.”

Shiro looked away, trying to imagine what it must have been like for him. Watching the Galra fire at him, knowing he would die, and there would not be a body to cremate.

“He was the last to go,” Curtis added quietly. He was not watching Shiro. Instead, he was staring at the ashes gathering at the tray from the incense sticks. So many other people had placed in so many incense sticks that theirs seemed to disappear into a forest of green and black and red burning stumps. “He was admirable, really. He did not back down even for a moment. He knew what was going to happen. I think he knew before he even took off. I know the others did. No one protested, sir. No one. No one said anything when Sanda ordered them. Like true soldiers.” He grimaced.

So he disagrees with that idea, Shiro realised.

“No one tried to flee or turn away. They all dived right in and gave it their best shot.”

“What were his last words? Did he say anything?”

“He gave an order to the last remaining pilot and then when she died, he called her name. And then he screamed.”

Shiro stared at the calm dark brown eyes. Curtis seemed to be reciting that from memory, as though he had said it or thought it a hundred times before. “Then?”

He shook his head. “That’s it.”

Shiro tried to piece together what Adam must have felt. And then gave up, realising that he would need to lie down. Maybe even vomit. “He was afraid,” he said, startling himself. He had not intended to say that aloud.

Curtis nodded. “Yes, sir. He was terrified. The whole time, I bet. But especially the last few moments. They always are, sir. If they live long enough to say it, they always do.”

Shiro remained silent, stewing in the hot realisation that no one had been around to hold Adam during them. He imagined putting his arms around Adam and pressing his face onto Adam’s shoulder. Shiro would grip his neck and pull Adam’s head onto his chest and kiss his hair. He would hold Adam so tight that Adam would forget how terrified he was. And maybe, just maybe, Shiro would prevent him from dying. How warm Adam would have felt, how comforted, how safe in Shiro’s arms. How much it would have soothed him.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Curtis asked, looking up. His eyes wide, almost begging.

“A walk?” Shiro blinked, distracted.

“It’s what I do when this brings me down. I get away from the Garrison. I mean now that the Galra are gone. If you want to get away from the deaths in the Garrison, then it’s best to physically get away from the Garrison.” He smiled. “I once took a bus to the nearest town and had a really nice date night.”

He paused, thoughtful and slightly confused. “Curtis… you have lost a lot of friends to this.”

His grin faded.

“Your partner, too, I bet.” His eyes widened with the realisation. He looked at the names on the wall wondering which one would be his partner.

Curtis nodded, sighing. “Two of my ex boyfriends died. One of them was so shitty that when I left him I wanted a bus to crush him. Sometimes I feel like I wished him dead.”

Shiro turned sharply towards him, startled. “You know that’s not true.”

“No, I know. I know. It just feels like that sometimes. I can’t help it. You know how that is.”

“I do,” Shiro breathed, nodding. He watched Curtis and his tight smile. Curtis’s lower lip trembled and he bit it harshly, drawing in a deep breath. “Let’s go on that walk,” Shiro said, a bit loudly and with a smile. He slapped his thigh to accentuate his enthusiasm. “Maybe you can show me around. I’ve been gone a while. A lot of new movies must’ve come out since then.”

Curtis turned to him, immediately recovering, and gave him an unamused look. “They did a Lion King remake.”

“What the fuck.”

“It’s worse than the last the one, yes, but it’s good.”

“What the fuck, Curtis.” Shiro leaned away from him with offense.

He raised his hands, gesturing him to calm down. “I mean you can watch it and laugh about it. Not beat your chest in dismay and horror.”

Shiro narrowed his eyes. “I’ll take it.”

“I have the movie if you want it, but I’d recommend watching it with someone. It’s more fun that way.”

Shiro hesitated. He did not have anyone to watch a movie with. He could ask… Pidge? Maybe? But she did not like silly movies like that. Coran never says no to these things. But Shiro did not want to bother Coran. It struck him that he was spending less and less time with the team these days.

“Veronica would love it,” Curtis added. Then he straightened, his eyes widening. “We could watch it together. All three of us.”

He flushed at the thought of spending friendly off-duty time with someone. He had not done that since… Oh, since when? Then he remembered the game at the Castleship. It had started out as an exercise for him, where he had hoped to get some training done with his team. But somehow it had eventually turned into something fun. And he had enjoyed it so much so that he had continued playing long after the painful voices in his head were gone.

“Or not,” Curtis said hastily. He gave an embarrassed smile. “Just a thought really.” He shrugged. “I’ll just give you the movie and you can decide what you want to do.” He grinned.

Shiro pursed his lips. Then taking in a deep breath, he nodded. “I think it’s a good idea. I’ll bring some food.”

His eyes widened and he opened his mouth and then clamped it shut again.

Shiro flushed once more. Curtis had been mortified that night when Shiro had attempted to cook and had eventually insisted that he did it because Shiro would simply be wasting valuable food. “Maybe I’ll just bring some chips.”

“I’ll do the cooking.” He nodded resolutely. “There will be drinks and chips. And maybe dinner. I’ll bring dinner.”

Shiro nodded, smiling, relieved that Curtis was not too offended. Then he decided to say something that had just started to bug him. “I think you should stop calling me sir. You were my senior at the academy anyway.”

Curtis started, his eyes wide. “Just by a year.”

“Still.”

He paused, grinning with embarrassment, again. “I’ll still have to call you sir at the bridge.”

“Oh? Why’s that? The paladins never called me sir or anything.” He frowned.

“Yeah, that’s different. Iverson will have my head if I don’t call you sir there. He said even he’s supposed to call you sir there.”

He grimaced. “Why is he like that?”

Curtis shrugged. “He’s always been like that. Remember when he yelled at Montgomery for bringing his cat to class?”

Shiro’s eyes widened. “How do you know that? You’re my senior!”

“I heard about it. There was a video circulating the whole campus. There were so many memes going around of Iverson then because of that.”

“Oh, god, the yogurt one?”

“Yes!” He laughed.

Shiro snorted. “Quizznack. We were such shitty little assholes.”

“I know!” He laughed, covering his mouth.

Shiro paused, watching him for a moment. “Don’t call me sir outside the bridge.”

“How about in front of foreign delegates?”

“OK, fine. And maybe interviews and stuff. When it’s absolutely necessary.”

“All right. So what should I call you?”

“You can call me Shiro.” He smiled.

Curtis nodded. “All right. Shiro. Sounds familiar. I think I must’ve spoken to you once or twice back then.”

“Probably.”

Shiro turned to Adam on the wall and smiled once more. See that? I just made a friend. Shiro chuckled and stood up, and then his heart sank in painful shame. He will now have to go back and put on the ugly gym clothes again.

Notes:

is this... ok? i'm actually unsure. idk. let me know. thanks for reading.

Chapter 7: Chapter 7

Notes:

Here's some Curtis and Shiro :3
hope you guys like it.
let me know.
enjoy!

Before he left, he said he his goodbyes to Adam with more incense and flowers. He wanted to leave something more, maybe something that promised a swift return. I’ll be back soon, OK? Don’t worry. Something like that. But it was just a tiny picture with half his name, amidst hundreds of others. Not him. It would never be him. Ever.

Which left him slightly uncomfortable whenever people mentioned their families back home. It had not bothered him until now. Until now, even though he knew Adam had left him and was no longer family, Shiro had not felt that he was truly gone. He still had someone to look forward to, even from a distance. Someone to go back and apologise to.

When the paladins or the bridge officers talked about their families, Shiro would remain silent about his own as much as possible. Perhaps they all knew that he had no one on Earth, because his fears never actually materialised. No one actually asked him, ‘What about you, Captain? How are you dealing with a long distance relationship with your friends and family?’ or ‘What are you going to bring for your family and friends at home, Shiro?’ or ‘Do you have siblings, Commander, what do they do back on Earth?’

Shiro often stayed up at night anticipating such questions. Waiting for one to pounce on him when he least expected it, like a beast hiding in the darkness waiting for its prey to look the other way.

And then, standing late one night at the observatory and watching the stars, forming emails in his head and sorting out his duties to avoid thinking about the vastness of his life, Curtis arrived.

‘I made banana chips,” he announced with a smile. He showed Shiro a small bowl of little banana chips dressed pleasantly with tomatoes and onions.

Shiro stared at him for a moment, thoroughly surprised. Curtis was friendly, even more so than Veronica, and always tried to make Shiro comfortable wherever he was. But sneaking in snacks was unexpected. It was what friends did. Perhaps. He was not quite sure. What did friends do, really? What really was friendship? This? Sharing snacks after work? “Oh,” Shiro said, thoughtfully. He tried to think of an appropriate response. Was Curtis offering it or just asking for compliments? “Did you make them?” he asked and tried to keep his face neutral when Curtis raised a brow, his smile faltering slightly.

“I did. I made them.” He pushed the bowl closer, forcefully smiling harder. “Have some. Please. If that’s all right.”

Shiro took the fork and took a bite. He was careful to pick more tomatoes and onions than the bananas so that there would be more for the others. Whoever else Curtis intended to share this with. “This is very good, Curtis,” he told him, enthusiastically. It was.

“You just ate the tomatoes,” he said. “Here, hold the bowl. That’ll be easier.”

“Oh, I’ll end up eating all of that!” He laughed.

“Shiro, who else is this for?” he asked, genuinely confused.

Shiro paused. So this was just for him? Just him? No one else? Why on earth? “Oh.”

Curtis grinned. “I could call Slav, if you’d like.”

Shiro flushed, turning away. The one time he yelled at someone it had to be on speaker. “No thank you.”

“Are you sure? He does like bananas, although I guess the tomatoes might make him go crazy again.”

Shiro stuffed his mouth as an excuse to not speak.

Curtis exploded into giggling, snorting and choking. He covered his mouth shyly and turned away. Even his eyes watered and within seconds he was wheezing.

“It’s so funny, isn’t it?” Shiro demanded, annoyed. “You left the damn speaker open on purpose!”

“Why - why would I do that?!” he choked out. He doubled over, clutching his side.

Shiro blushed crimson. “Stop laughing!”

It took Curtis a few seconds to reply. “Is that an order, captain?”

Shiro slammed the bowl on the table and put his hands on his hips but that did nothing to intimidate Curtis. He looked like he was ready to roll on the floor. Finally deciding that getting agitated only tickled Curtis further, he picked the bowl back up and started eating. It was very good and it soothed his irritation greatly.

Just as he had believed, Curtis quickly sobered and wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry,” he said gently. It was not intended to be ironic but it seemed to be to Shiro. “I shouldn’t laugh at my commanding officer. At least not to his face.”

Shiro turned to him, seething. “You’re so funny,” he hissed.

“Thank you.” He grinned. “Can I have some?”

Shiro hesitated. He had half a mind to snatch it away from Curtis’s reach and return to his room, finishing it in peace.

Curtis caught on immediately. He fought back his grin and said kindly, “I promise I didn’t do it on purpose. And I had no idea you would start yelling either. If I had I would have cut the line much quicker.”

Shiro exhaled sharply, barely believing him. It was probably true but he was to annoyed to accept it.

“I swear.” Curtis pinched his throat and smacked his chest, shaking his head. He seemed earnest enough.

“All right,” he allowed. He gave Curtis the bowl and fork. “Please be careful next time, though. That was extremely humiliating.”

Curtis nodded quickly. “Now that I know what Slav does to you --”

“I can’t tolerate his anxiety,” Shiro explained, embarrassed. “It’s not that I hate him. He’s a good guy. I mean I’m sure he is. He’s never meant anyone any harm. He’s - he’s kind and g - he’s not - I like him. He just gets on my nerves with his anxiety.”

Curtis watched him carefully and listened, chewing slowly. When Shiro was done stammering, he said, nodding understandingly, “He triggers you a lot. I get that.”

“What?” Shiro gave him a blank look.

“His anxiety triggers yours. Right?”

Shiro stared at him for a moment, slightly offended. “No - I - it --” He paused. He probably appeared that way to an outsider.

“You do have anxiety, right?” Curtis raised his brows. “You have poor mental health written all over you.”

Shiro glanced at his white floating arm. “I guess,” he said. “It’s not so bad.” That was such a terrible lie that Curtis frowned, his brows disappearing into his hair. “I guess it’s bad enough that Slav can get affect me. But that doesn’t mean it hindering my daily life.” Not yet, anyway, he added silently.

Curtis observed him for a moment. Then looked away. “I was diagnosed with it a few months ago. I’m not completely ignorant about it.” He munched on the bananas, offering more to Shiro. “I wonder what Slav must’ve been through working for the Galra,” he murmured, grimacing as though he did not like the taste of the chips.

“It’s bad but it’s better for the scientists,” Shiro said in an off-hand manner, without thinking too much. But then Curtis turned to him with those large wide eyes and Shiro turned hot. It was too much information. “Have you read the reports on it?”

“Not in detail.” He shook his head. Then his eyes narrowed. “How different is it for the scientists?”

Shiro drew in a deep breath, taking his time. He did not know why he was telling Curtis all this. He had not told Veronica this, so why him? What hold did Curtis have over him that he found himself wanting to be honest in his presence? This desire to be seen, to be witnessed as a whole, in his entirety, but only by Curtis. It was dangerous. Manipulative at the very least.

“The scientists’ cells are cleaner for starters,” he said, surprising himself. Was he being childish? Or only human? “The cell doesn’t have blood and gore everywhere. It’s much larger, with proper beds and blankets. Like the ones where they keep new comers at the gladiator pits. The fodders. They kept me in isolation after a while and those cells are far smaller, but at least cleaner. Less people have died in there. The scientists get communal bathrooms, lunches, I think they even get hot beverages, too. They get medical services. If some scientist were to fall sick, they are to be treated immediately. A gladiator, on the other hand, rarely had that luxury. I don’t think anyone did at all. You’re supposed to earn your medicines.”

“How?” Curtis interrupted.

The trance broke and Shiro turned to Curtis, surprised to see him. “How what?”

“How are you supposed to earn your medicines?” He seemed earnest. And not too horrified.

Shiro hesitated. “You don’t want to know the answer to that question.”

He shook his head. “I know how absolutely horrific the situations are for the slaves.”

Shiro took Curtis in, the intense little wrinkle between his eyebrows, the shining eyes, the sharp cheekbones. He wondered what would Curtis think of him, of all the slaves who survived. But him, Shiro, specifically. Shiro imagined the face distorting in hatred and disgust and turning away. Perhaps Curtis would report him. Would Allura and the Garrison want to find someone else? Would the paladins regret ever having followed him? That they still take orders from him? Keith was barely their leader. It was Shiro who told them what to do, guided them, encouraged them, although from the bridge. Perhaps it would be nice to retire. But it would eat him alive to watch the others to fight on their own. Shiro would rather the worst happened to him instead of them, and if he left, they would be exposed to the worst the Galra had to offer.

“Gladiators are slaves who kill for the entertainment of the Galra,” Shiro said. He felt dizzy. Unable to watch the loathing grow on Curtis’s face, he turned away. “The better you are at it, the more entertained they are, the more they like you. You get gifts if you do well. Like antibiotics. Food. Better clothes. Better hygiene products.”

Curtis was silent. Shiro could not see his face on the large screen before them that displayed the stars surrounding the Atlas. “And you were the best they had,” he added as if in explanation.

Shiro nodded.

“You take what you’re given,” Curtis said softly, almost to himself.

Shiro finally turned to him, confused. He watched Curtis pondering Shiro’s words, everything he has just learned. Shiro waited. If the prison had taught him anything, it was patience.

“Sounds pretty fucked up,” Curtis said finally, frowning. “And people live like that?” He turned to Shiro for confirmation.

Slowly, hesitantly, he nodded. “Are you OK with that?”

His eyes widened, horrified. “Wha - no! Are you?”

Shiro paused. “Wait. With what?”

Curtis frowned as well. “Am I OK with what?”

“With me killing and hurting innocent people for - for fucking lunch.”

Curtis blinked, even more confused. “I mean… it’s terrible, yes.”

Shiro gazed at him, slightly frustrated. “I mean, aren’t you, I don’t know --” He stopped. No point squeezing out a ‘fuck you’ when he did not have to. If he pushed Curtis too far, Shiro might be shipped off to heaven knows where and their fight against the Empire would collapse. The paladins needed him here.

“I’m not OK with you killing and hurting people for basic necessities,” Curtis tried again, a bit forcefully. He leaned ever so slightly towards Shiro. “No one should have to go through that. That’s horrible. No one should be forced to bring others down, horribly like that, too, for basic necessities. That’s hell. And - and not only that, they took away limbs and other stuff from these people to --” He snapped his mouth shut abruptly, shuddering. “All in the name of improvement. Some bullshit. It’s not improvement. They don’t get to decide what’s wrong with our species. Or any species. They’re not the standard of this universe.”

Shiro stared at Curtis. He was fuming, his chest heaving as he glowered down at the half finished bananas. “I never told anyone this,” Shiro confessed. He was uncomfortable at the vulnerability of his situation. It was as though Curtis had a knife at his throat.

Curtis did not register that at first. But then his eyes slowly widened and he turned to Shiro. “What? Really? No one?”

Shiro shook his head. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

His lips parted as he gaped at Shiro for a moment. “I promise,” he said intensely, sincerely. Then his features softened. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For telling me. For trusting me.” He smiled, pushing the bowl into Shiro’s hands.

Shiro flushed once more, but in a way he did not mind too much. “We should watch that movie here. On this screen.” He wanted to do something nice for Curtis. Something that would make him happy and cheer him up. So that he would remember this moment with Shiro, their time together. He did not have to remember the contents of the conversation. Just how Shiro made Curtis feel, hopefully something nice. Especially after a conversation such as this.

His eyes widened. “Can we do that?”

He shrugged. “No one’s around. We’ll turn it off if anyone showed up.”

Curtis hesitated. “You’re a lot more fun than they say.”

Shiro smiled and then his grin fell. “What do you mean by that? They, who?”

He shook his head and walked up to the dashboard. “I’ll login.”

“Curtis?”

“You want to help?”

“Hmph. Fine.”

 

Notes:

I wanted this to be both fluff and sad, where shiro gets to talk to someone, especially his future hubby about all that stuff. idk if it came off as fluffy and sad i'd hoped for it to be but here it is anyway. i'd like it to be a bit more fluffy and sad but we get what we get.
let me know what you think.
thanks for reading!

also, if anyone's reading the other adashi fic, i've uploaded a new chapter!

Chapter 8: Chapter 8

Notes:

So we have here a tumblr inspired chapter. just a little experiment. very self indulgent. :| sorry.

 

also because this is my secondary fic, i'm not writing all that much for this one. my focus is mainly on the adashi fic, which is far more ambitious than this one, so requires a lot more time and energy, and i'm spending more time with that one than this one. .so idk when i'll upload the next chapter. this one will be a lot more irregular than the adashi fic unfortunately. i think :/ sorry about that too. please bear with me :( thanks.

now, the chapter

Veronica had a knife and she was not afraid to use it. “This could be fun,” she said a bit uncertainly.

“No, it won’t,” Curtis said nursing his drink and leaning away from her. “I don’t like pain.”

“You’ll make a terrible sub,” she told him sadly.

“Veronica!” Shiro gasped, mortified. He glanced around and saw the bartender watching them with narrowed eyes. Shiro knew what she thought of the three of them. “If you’re gonna talk like that you can go! We shouldn’t even have invited you.”

“You’ll make a terrible dom,” she told him, annoyed.

“Oh my god!”

“She’s doing that on purpose. The more you’re bothered, the more she’s going to say stuff like that.” Curtis shrugged, but his face was flushed slightly. Shiro hoped it was not from the drink. They haven’t drank much anyway.

“You’re no better,” Veronica said, turning her attack back onto Curtis.

“At least I keep it private,” he hissed back.

She shook her head. “I think I’m a bit drunk. I should put this knife away.” She frowned at it. “I’ll lose the bet though.” Then her eyes fell on Shiro’s prosthetic. “You do it, Shiro!”

“No.” Shiro frowned at her. “My hand is not for bets.”

“You can have 50% of my profit.”

Shiro hesitated. Curtis gave him a disappointed look. “N - no, I’m good.”

“Really? You’re losing your edge.” Veronica shrugged picking up the coconut. She raised the knife over her head to stab it and then dropped it again. “I can’t. I’m too drunk.”

“That’s the bet, isn’t it? You have to do it drunk? I’m not drunk yet so it’s pointless.”

“No one knows you’re drunk.”

“It wouldn’t be fair.”

“You’ll win the bet.”

“It’s not the bet, though.”

Shiro and Veronica stared at each other for a moment over Curtis’s drink and then she finally threw the coconut and knife away. “All right, fine. I’ll lose the bet and keep my hand.”

“It’s a good choice,” Shiro assured her, smiling. “It’s not fun to have your hand hacked off.”

Then her eyes lit up again. She was too drunk. She never did that when sober. “You could crush this coconut with that thing!”

“That’s still not what the bet says.”

She slumped.

“Believe me I’d love to help but it would be unfair.” Shiro smiled apologetically.

She groaned. “I want to go home. Earth is finally free and I’m in space.” She sniffed, wiping her nose. “I miss mama.”

Even Curtis slumped. “I miss your mama, too.”

Shiro raised his brow. “What about your parents?”

“Yeah them, too. And my sisters.” He sighed heavily. “We should be celebrating. We won a fight and made two alliances.”

Shiro observed them for a moment then reached for the coconut. “All right, I’ll crush the coconut.”

“Thanks.” Veronica gave it to him.

He crushed it gently so that pieces would not go flying. “There you go.”

“You didn’t record it, Veronica,” Curtis said.

Veronica let out a sob and buried her face into her hands.

“I recorded it,” the bartender told them, her nostrils flared and eyes shining, and gave them the short video.

But that barely consoled Veronica. “I really should sleep this off.” But instead she planted her head on Curtis’s shoulder.

“Would you like some music?” the bartender asked with polite concern.

Shiro turned to them. “You guys want some music?” he asked gently when they remained silent.

“We heard her,” Veronica answered.

“I think that’s a no.” Shiro smiled at the bartender. “Thanks.” He turned back to them again, frowning with concern. “Why are you guys so upset?”

They turned to frown back at him. “How long have you been away from Earth again?” Veronica asked. “Almost a decade, right?”

“Don’t you miss it?” Curtis asked. “It’s been so long since I’ve been on an off-planet mission. My last mission was to Jupiter’s moon.” He sighed heavily. “It was such a long time ago.”

Shiro paused. “We could make a landing somewhere and stretch our legs.”

The bartender was back again, her eyes wide. “Would you do that, sir?” she asked breathlessly.

Shiro straightened, suddenly remembering he was not captaining a crew of seven people but the population of a large town. “I haven’t said anything with confirmation yet, ma’am.”

She turned hopefully to Curtis and Veronica. They turned to Shiro as well, with even more hope.

“You’d do that, right?” Curtis asked his eyes wide. He genuinely believed in Shiro to do that. “Everyone’s miserable. It’s been so long since we left Earth. Most of us aren’t trained for this kind of stuff. Veronica isn’t.”

“I miss Earth,” she said again wistfully. “I knew Earth. She’s familiar. I know her so well. She’s like a wife I never had. God I miss her.”

“You sound like you want to sleep with our planet,” Shiro commented, too tired to keep up with dignity. Who cared anyway? It was just the three of them. And the bartender has probably seen and heard more compromising stories during her work at the Atlas.

Veronica threw him a dirty look. “You don’t have to make this sexual, you know.”

Curtis laughed, seeing the look of betrayal on Shiro’s face. “It would be nice to stand on dirty ground for once. Or even just ice or something.” He paused. “Maybe we could go visit that space mall Coran told us about.”

“We’ll probably cause a financial crisis,” Veronica said.

“How?” Shiro demanded.

“Oh, you know. We have so many people here. And a lot of us have money. If we’re to let lose on an isolated mall for a few days, we’ll probably buy every thing and bring down the currency value or something.”

“How does that - we can’t do that!” Shiro raised his voice indignantly. “It’ll take a lot more to do something like that!”

“No, no, hang on!” Curtis rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “She’s got a point.”

“Of course you’d say that. You’re always taking her side!”

Veronica barked out a laugh. “He’s always taking your side, you fat crab.”

They turned to her surprised.

“Is that a disability joke?” Shiro asked confused.

“What is?” she frowned, annoyed. “Don’t change the subject.”

“The point is, are we going to ruin a civilisation if we land on an isolated economy?” Curtis asked, slapping the table.

“No, the point is, is the Captain going to land the ship on a planet and give everyone a week long break,” the bartender interrupted, agitated. “I never planned to be in space until I passed the tests. I wanted to be a farmer. And now I’m inebriating the vanguard soldiers of the Coalition in the middle of blank space.” She leaned over the table on her hands, putting aside the glass she was cleaning, and gazed sternly at Shiro.

Shiro flinched. “It’s going to take a lot more an impassioned speech but I’ll bring this matter up tomorrow morning.”

“You’re the captain of this ship,” Curtis said with aggressive surprise. “You don’t take orders from anyone else on board this thing.”

“Heh.” Veronica downed her drink at one go.

“You’d be surprised.” Shiro scowled at his beer mug and exhaled irritably through his nose. “Iverson’s going to kill me.”

“Iverson’s been talking about a break, too,” Curtis told him.

Shiro’s eyes widened. “How do you know?”

“We work out together.” He shrugged.

Shiro put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, making him jump. Curtis squinted suspiciously at him. “I need you to tell me what he’s thinking and talking about all day every day.”

“You want me to spy on Commander Iverson?”

“We don’t have to call it that.”

“I’ll do it. For how much?” He shrugged.

Shiro deflated. He mentally went through the numbers in his bank account. He has not spent much money, living primarily off of the cheap and free stuff from the Garrison.

“I’m not asking for money,” Curtis clarified as though reading his mind.

“So what are you asking for?”

Curtis looked around thoughtfully.

“Uh oh.” Veronica giggled.

“I’ll let you know when I think of it.” Curtis smiled brightly at Shiro.

Every instinct in Shiro’s body told him it was a trap. He was going to get himself killed again. Or worse, naked and drunk on social media. He had seen it happen. They sometimes put it on the news. He could lose his job. He could end up in prison. Or worse, with a face tattoo. There was a time when he wanted to pierce his ears. Maybe Curtis will demand that. But Shiro reminded himself that he was, in fact, an adult. He was leading the largest and oldest war he has ever known, and surprisingly winning. He could say no to a friend. “All right, fine.” He nodded.

“You’re gonna end up in a ditch somewhere with your nipples pierced on live TV,” Veronica warned him.

“It’s going to take a lot of scrubbing to get that image out of my eyes,” Curtis snapped at her angrily.

“You’re no longer my friend,” Shiro told her. “I thought you were an upstanding citizen of this beautiful planet. Turns out you’re just as bad as the rest of them.”

“Calm down, I’m just drunk.” She rolled her eyes.

“You’re not in the least bit drunk.”

“So what about the landing?” the bartender asked once more, her jaws clenched in a tight frustrated smile.

“If Iverson’s on board, then I know how to convince Allura.” Shiro smiled and nodded. “I’ll just have to start buttering tonight.”

“You’re the best Captain of Atlas,” Veronica told him.

“I’m the only captain Atlas has ever had.”

“Yeah. And the best.”

The bartender poured more drinks and even one for herself. “To Commander Shirogane!” She raised her glass.

“To Veronica and Curtis for convincing Commander Shirogane,” Veronica said a bit louder as she raised hers.

“To Veronica and Curtis,” Shiro agreed.

“To me and Veronica.” Curtis tried his best to keep a straight face and failed, almost spilling everything from his glass.

“I’m going to be shot dead tomorrow,” Shiro said casually.

“You’ll be fine.” Curtis slapped his back, laughing. “Allura loves you. She’s like an older sister to you.”

He sighed. “So this is what it’s like to have a sister.”

“An older sister,” Veronica clarified. “You’re lucky she gentle with you. I hung Lance by the ankle once when he was a kid.”

“Quizznack, Veronica.” He flinched.

“No, no, my sisters did that, too.” Curtis nodded. “It’s just that she’s Altean. If she tried that with you, you’ll need another prosthetic.”

Shiro snorted so hard, he inhaled some beer, which led to Veronica and Curtis dragging him to Medical.

Notes:

i wanted to write a chapter showcasing shiro's growing friendship with both curtis and veronica. baby's getting better at making friends again! i feel like cheering for him lol

let me know what you think!! thanks for reading!!

Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Notes:

So I'm reading The Hours by Michael Cunningham and maybe my suicidal ass shouldn't be reading a novel about a woman writer who killed herself hahaha. That's what Trigger Warnings are for, which i totally ignored because I teach literature and I'm literally teaching a short story about a woman who was assaulted by her husband on their honeymoon. Maybe I'm not as resilient as I used to be. Also why am i saying this here? Probably cause this fic deals with a lot of stuff that requires TWs. And maybe also cause i haven't read a single vld Shiro centric fic where Adam dies, except maybe more than a few words, for precisely that reason. God we're a mess, aren't we? lmao.

anyway. here's some more shiro angst. yay.
enjoy!

Shiro had wanted to do something for Adam’s birthday. He knew that Adam would have liked to have his birthday celebrated, at least by Shiro, rather than his death day. But finding a depressing lack of an open roof and a sky full of stars, Shiro had decided to light the candle in the observatory after midnight when it was empty. Or so he had believed.

Half way through the ritual of sitting silently and remembering him, Shiro was startled by three men barging into the observatory giggling themselves into oblivion. To Shiro’s horror they were already taking their clothes off before they noticed Shiro. It was the light of the candle that distracted them and they gasped when they saw a wide-eyed and deeply traumatised Shiro staring blankly at them.

Shiro had gently told them that even though the observatory was cleaned every morning the crew would appreciate it if they used a place that was a bit less official like the observatory where people usually came to work. They had left with a lot of apologies and Shiro had believed that that was the end of it, until Slav strutted in with two cups of coffee and dragging a bag of paperwork after him. He gave Shiro one tired look and told him to keep his distance, and immediately proceeded to work at the main computer.

For a moment Shiro considered stubbornly remaining there, especially since Slav had not questioned the candle or the little slice of cake, but then Slave decided to use the main screen and change the bright stars into a jumble of projectors and slides and open documents.

Shiro stomped up to him as threateningly as he could and loomed over Slav’s short form. “This is the observatory, Slav,” he growled angrily.

Slav did not look up. Instead he calmly sipped his coffee and said, “Yes. I’m aware of what this room is called.”

“The observatory or this screen is not meant for work of that kind.”

“I need a bigger screen. Or would you rather I neglected my work and crashed the ship?” He turned an equally annoyed frown up at Shiro.

Shiro sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Slav waved dismissively at the candle. “Take your human ritualistic candle lighting somewhere else if this bothers you.”

“This is not --!” Shiro bit his lip and stopped. It was a sort of ritual, to be fair.

Slumped, he started to pack the cake, his body heavy with melancholic lethargy.

“What’s it for anyway? A religion?”

Shiro glanced at Slav, who was watching him very curiously. “No. Not really.”

“Does it serve a purpose?”

“Yes. Of a sentimental kind.”

Slav raised a brow and ran his eyes all over Shiro in a rather judgemental way. “You didn’t strike me as the sentimental kind.”

“Humans are sentimental people, Slav. Deal with it.” Shiro sighed heavily. He did not want to blow out the candle. It felt wrong somehow. He wanted to keep a candle lit the whole 24 hours. He hoped no would catch him carrying a lit candle with him as he hunted for a decent place to put it. With his white hair and uniform, the floating hand, he did not need anything else to scare someone shitless if they happened to stumble upon him in the middle of the night. He could already see the headlines, former black paladin, returning from the dead, now haunts the halls of his ship with a candle and a slice of cake for passers-by.

“What’s it for?” he asked again.

Shiro sighed and said as casually as he could, “Someone I knew died. So I’m lighting a candle and presenting a cake on his birthday to celebrate and remember him.”

“So this is a one person thing?”

Shiro glanced at Slav again and saw that he had abandoned his work and turned around fully to gaze at Shiro. “Not really. He doesn’t have any other family, so…” He turned away quickly, regretting admitting that.

Predictably, Slav reacted instantly. His shoulders slumped and his face expressed some concern and pity. Or maybe that was sympathy. He turned away and counted something on each of his six hands. Then looking confused, he counted again, then again. “It was your husband,” he said, surprised.

Shiro stared at him. “What are you, some kind of psychic?”

He rolled his large eyes. “I’ll show you how I know. It’s very simply --”

“No, thanks.” Shiro turned away. “And he wasn’t my husband. Just my fiance.”

“What the quizznack is that?”

“It means we were engaged to get married but hadn’t actually… I guess… he wasn’t even my fiance. We ended things a few phoebs before I left Earth.” Shiro paused. He had never admitted that to anyone before, that he and Adam were going to get married. Not even Keith knew. They had told some of their friends, most of whom were today dead and the rest had returned to their homes with no means of contact. So currently, no one on board the Atlas knew this. Except for Slav.

Shiro wanted to slap someone. Himself, to be precise.

“That sounds quite bad, I’ll admit,” Slav said shrugging. “According to my calculations --”

“Nope, don’t --”

“-- neither of you are supposed to be alive in this reality, so if it’s any consolation --”

“It’s not, so don’t --”

“-- at least you’re alive!”

Shiro turned to Slav, fuming.

“In other realities, though, your husband’s still alive,” he began.

“That’s enough!” he exploded, shocking both of them. Slav calmed instantly, accustomed to Shiro’s outbursts around him, but frowned curiously at him. “That’s - that’s enough,” Shiro said again, quietly this time. “I don’t need to know what goes on in other realities.”

They stared at each other, Slav very observant while Shiro increasingly uncomfortable.

“What are the chances that he’s alive in other realities?” Shiro asked finally with defeat. He did not need to know. It would not accomplish anything. And yet he could not help it.

The answer came immediately without any hesitation, and very calmly and matter-of-factly. “50%.”

Shiro waited but Slav did not say anything else. “What, 50%? Just… 50%? No - no point something?”

He shook his head. “I’ve done the calculations a few times just now. It’s an exact --”

“Then how - how many --” He stopped, shaking his head. “This is ridiculous,” he mumbled. He turned back to the candle.

Slav waited patiently as though he knew what would Shiro do next.

To his own surprise, Shiro asked, without looking at Slav, “So… why husband? Do we really…?” He was embarrassed at the question. His cheeks flushed. But he needed to know. It was pointless, he knew. But he needed to know. He needed some consolation, however flimsy. Loss turned people stupid and irrational, it seemed like.

“Oh, yes! In 98.93% of that 50% of the realities where he lives, you two do get married!” Slav said quickly, enthusiastically. Slav was hoping to make him feel better, Shiro realised.

“What about the rest of it?” Shiro asked, confused. “Why only 98%?”

“98.93%,” Slav corrected him, raising a finger. “There are realities where he doesn’t marry you. There’s another 97.88% chance of that where he finds someone else, and in 89.46% of which is where that you don’t marry anyone and --”

“OK, that’s enough. Thanks, Slav.” Shiro turned away, finally thoroughly embarrassed.

“There’s an 18.23% percent chance where he becomes a paladin,” he continued, counting once more and tapping away at a device, and tapping his chin and pointing a finger at Shiro, utilising all six hands. “Of which, there’s a 76.55% possibility that he divorces you --”

“Slav!” Shiro turned to him, trembling. “I don’t need to know that!” His voice cracked unexpectedly and he groaned irritably. He did not want to be vulnerable around Slav of all people.

Slav lowered his hands and eyed him thoughtfully. “If this candle means a lot to you, then I’ll let you keep it on.”

Shiro narrowed his eyes at him. What did he mean by ‘let him’? Shiro was a fucking captain of this ship! “It’s all right, I’ll find another room.”

“There is no reality where you actually light the candle in a different room.”

Shiro glowered at him and Slav gazed calmly back.

Then Slav turned off all the windows he had opened on the large screen and returned it to the default starry space. “I’ll leave you to enjoy the stars if that helps your ritual.”

“It’s not a ritual, it’s…” Shiro sighed, shutting his eyes. He was exhausted. He did not plan on sleeping that night to utilise every moment of all the 24 hours to remember Adam as faithfully as he could. But he was so exhausted. He simply wanted to lie down and sleep. “It’s just something I’ve decided to do cause I don’t really have what a ritual needs and --” He stopped suddenly realising why people always faithfully followed rituals even when they did not believe in them. Adam had done it for his parents, and Shiro had for a short period of time wanted to do the same for his grandfather as well, even though he had been specifically instructed by his grandfather to not waste precious resources on unnecessary annual rituals. Today, as well, Shiro desperately want to follow what little steps he had concocted with the little space and things he had on board the Atlas.

“I didn’t know you were religious,” Slav said picking up his device again to calculate something once more.

“I’m not. Humans aren’t really religious very much these days.” Shiro eyed that device. “Why do you always do that?” he asked stepping forward.

“I’m making records.” Slav did not raise his eyes, and only looked up when he was done. “Do you want to see?”

Shiro pursed his lips then nodded.

Slav, instead of just showing the device to him, turned to the massive observatory screen and linked his device to it. On the screen, Shiro saw hundreds of lists, all of which opened to even more lists and further, riddled with details. And then he saw the list that had the paladins’ names on it. Shiro pointed at it. “What’s that?”

Slav opened it, and Shiro found even more lists, even more charts and graphs and calculations. “I did some calculations on how long it would take for us to win the war, whether the paladins would die or --” He paused grimacing.

Shiro, with every single muscle taut as a walking rope, turned to Slav. “Do they?”

Slav started mumbling something, turning away.

“Slav? What do your calculations say? Do my paladins die?”

“I thought you didn’t believe my calculations.” Slav trembled, as though afraid of him for the first time.

Shiro shook his head. “I do believe you. It’s just that I think they don’t do much besides worsen your anxiety. And mine.” He shrugged, not too ashamed to admit that to someone who suffered from even worse anxiety.

“If you know what’s going to happen --” Slav began, but Shiro interrupted him.

“But that’s the thing. You don’t know. You can make all the calculations but you’ll never know for sure which reality we’re in right now. You’ll find out only when the thing that you’re waiting for happens… Unless, I guess, it’s something that happens in every reality. You knew Zarkon was going to kill me.”

Slav was silent for a long time. Shiro wondered what he was thinking. “Did you you know that are at least three realities, where you and I become mates?”

Shiro stared at him. “If you’re messing with me, Slav…”

“I’m not.” He chuckled.

Shiro turned to read the lists on the screen. It was barely comprehensible, with so many utterly irrelevant points made, like the type of coffee or the colour of socks. Lots of lists about the colour of peoples’ socks, for some reason. “Is that why Adam divorces me?”

Slav did not answer.

Shiro turned to him, shocked. “Is it?”

Still Slav said nothing, looking smugly at him, relishing at the success of shocking Shiro out of his mind.

“Slav!”

He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what happens in those three realities. I can say for sure it’s not this one.”

Shiro stared at him, trying to imagine what it would be like to marry Slav and shuddered. What an ostentatious thought!

“Stop thinking about that,” Slav told him sipping his coffee, looking least bothered.

“Then why did you say it!” Shiro threw his hands. He frantically tried to think of something to say that would steer the conversation any another way and erase the filthy images burned into his brain. “Are there any realities where I come back to Earth?”

“After defeating Zarkon?”

“No, I mean…” He paused. What was he even doing, asking such self-indulging questions that did not matter and will never matter? He has literally only moments ago told Slav that he did not think such thoughts did anything more than raise his blood pressure. “Maybe if I was never captured… I don’t know…”

“There are no realities where you, Matthew and Sam were never captured by the Galra. There are no realities where you don’t become the black paladin. In fact, in 96.47% of realities you remain the black paladin or later take back the Black Lion and there’s a --”

“Wait.” Shiro sat down next to Slav, keeping his eyes on the floor. “So… there are no realities where we’re never captured?”

“Uh… No.” He narrowed his eyes, observing Shiro carefully, confusedly.

“Oh.” So there have never been any chance of Shiro ever remaining with Adam, of him not abandoning Adam and putting him through the hell he went through after the Kerberos Mission failed.

“Did you know that the slaves, us, we were instructed sometimes to offer designs for improvements of the gladiators?”

“Improvements,” Shiro breathed with slight offense.

“That’s what they called it.” Slav sipped the coffee calmly. “They experimented on us, too, you know.”

Shiro raised his horrified face. “Slav…”

“It’s just that they were very careful with us. They didn’t want us too badly damaged. They needed us to work. And they didn’t do it much anyway.” He shrugged, rolling his eyes. “Just to study our physiology. Just for the records. Haggar kept a detailed record of most species. She based her own inventions on different alien kinesiology.”

Shiro stared at him. “I’m so sorry, Slav.”

He shrugged. “I did everything to avoid it but I’m guessing we all did. It’s just how it is for the prisoners. It worsened my OCD and anxiety, but I survived.” He nodded cheerfully. “I try not to look back.” He gestured at the cake. “What’s it for?”

Shiro stared at it distractedly, wondering what Adam would say to that. To this particular discovery, that even Sam had not escaped that experimentation chambers. “You can have it if you want.”

“Isn’t it for your husband?” He raised his brows, surprised.

Shiro turned away. “He’s dead. He can’t eat that.” He leaned back to stare at the screen full of lists. He splayed his legs before him tiredly dreading morning. He wanted to sit here with Slav for the next 24 hours. The only thing he looked forward to was the time he would be spending with Curtis, who had insisted Shiro to sit with him during dinner so that Curtis could rant about his new obsession with the card game he was drowning himself in with Coran and Sam.

Slav poked at the cake and abandoned it. He turned around and splayed his legs just like Shiro to stare at the screen. He started to get fidgety, counting something once more.

“Let’s turn that thing off. It’s making you anxious,” Shiro told him.

Slav reluctantly turned it off and gazed at the stars. Unsurprisingly, he slowly started to relax. “If you need someone to make sure you don’t run around with candles, I’m willing to offer my help,” he said suddenly.

Shiro turned to him, blinking tiredly. “I don’t want to be alone tomorrow. I’ve got work… and some plans with Curtis… but…”

Slav nodded and said very casually, “All right, I’ll stay with you when you’re not with Curtis.”

Shiro smiled gratefully. “Thanks, Slav. I’d really appreciate that.”

He chuckled. “I’ve lost every single person in my family to the Galra. I know very well what it’s like.”

Shiro’s smile fell. “Will you tell me about them?”

Slav raised a brow. “You want to know about my family?”

He nodded. “Yeah. If that’s OK.”

Slav turned to the stars.

“And what it was like at the prison. If you need to, that is. I mean… I’m here to listen. I know it’s hard to talk about it to just anyone. So…”

“Have you told anyone?” he asked, without looking at him. He picked up another cup of coffee and sipped some more.

Shiro shook his head. “No. You?”

“Yeah, who am I going to tell? Bae Bae?” He paused. “I’ve talked to Sam about this. And Matthew. Axca.”

Shiro raised his brows, surprised. “You’ve talked to a lot people.”

Slav raised his brows as well. “It’s surprising that you haven’t talk to them.”

Shiro turned away, slightly embarrassed. Perhaps he needed to open up a little bit. He was surrounded by some very good people, after all. Wanting the paladins to listen to him was selfish and silly, even. Shiro has other friends. There’s Slav, Sam, Matt, and even Curtis. Maybe even Veronica. And they were much older. And more importantly they did not look up to Shiro. They did not think he was a hero or the legend that the universe suddenly seemed to have unanimously decided he was. He blamed Coran for that. “Yeah. You’re not wrong.” He nodded.

“So about my family…”

Shiro turned to Slav eagerly. “Yeah.”

 

Notes:

this one was longer than usual. and i wanted a chapter that explores Shiro and slav's friendship. in canon, shiro becomes very good friends with slav but it's never explored how or why. i gathered some headcanons, went through tumblr and some fanfics and comments, and wrote this chapter.

let me know what you think!

Chapter 10: Chapter 10

Notes:

Heh. Thought i'd deal with samuel holt today. the OG space dad before shiro became our space daddy.
also i'm not trying to get into the details but i hope it's obvious that shiro and curtis are good friends by now? if there's any suggestion or advice that you guys to give me to make it clearer or deal with the portrayal of their friendship better, i'd really appreciate that. i wanted to keep this short and leave a lot of things off-stage and instead show only small moments of their lives, their relationships, and also deal with shiro's traumas while keeping canon in mind.
anyway so here it is! enjoy!

Sam appeared his usual cheerful self, placing a cup of coffee before Shiro on the desk, and that was precisely why Shiro had not correctly guessed the reason why he had called Shiro to his work station for.

Sam’s desk was a mess. It was piled with wires, computers, pads and tiny little devices that Shiro vaguely recognised as gadgets Pidge often used. He picked up the good coffee Sam had given him, and even though he did not like coffee, took a sip of contentment. It was nice to drink Earth coffee. He did not have to like it. He was teaching himself to avoid coffee after Curtis told him he is going to develop an addiction very soon. And it was true. He has been drinking too much coffee after coming back to Earth with the hope that it would keep him energetic on its own instead of him needing to force himself to work past midnight through sheer will power. When he had explained his reasons to Curtis, he had given him such a disappointed frown, that Shiro had been filled with shame and promised to quit down on coffee till he did not need it anymore.

And now he realised he did not drink coffee more than one or two cups a week. He promised himself to thank Curtis once more as he sipped from the mug again and listened to Slav explain some space anomaly they had just passed by with words that actually made more sense than how the Holts explained it.

When he was done, Sam asked Slav to give him and Shiro some privacy. Slav gave Shiro an odd look, as though he knew what Sam was about to tell him and that it would not be anything Shiro would like, and left with a wave. It was so much easier to be around Slav now that Shiro understood him and did not want to constantly scream at him. That did not mean that they did not have their usual banter. But it did not raise his blood pressure than it was supposed to.

“Is everything all right, Sam?” Shiro asked casually, hunting for a space on the desk to put his mug on and then giving up. “Everything good with the engines?”

Sam shoved a few pieces of hardware around carelessly and gestured at Shiro to put his mug there. “Oh, yes, yes. You don’t have to worry about the Atlas. She’s doing fine.” He patted the dashboard beside him affectionately. “Were you busy? Am I keeping you from work?”

“Ah, no. I’m on break.” Shiro raised his mug.

“So you do take breaks now.” He nodded approvingly.

“Curtis yelled at me.” He shrugged, shaking his head. “He said I’d be a bad Captain and a friend if I was going to be hypocritical about taking breaks.”

Sam laughed. “That’s exactly what Colleen said. He’s good for you.”

Shiro snorted at that slightly confusing comment. “I’ll pass that on.”

“I would’ve gone to your office to talk but I thought I should leave you the option to walk out of the room.” Sam smirked.

Shiro laughed, even more confused. “OK. Sounds fun.”

Then Sam’s smile tightened into a grimacing frown. “It’s about the invasion.”

“Oh?”

“Or specifically, about Adam.” His smile disappeared entirely and was replaced a pained scowl.

“Oh.” Shiro quickly placed the mug on the desk to avoid breaking it.

Sam waited for Shiro to speak, and then continued with a heavy sigh, “I wanted to apologise.”

Shiro raised a brow. “What for?”

Sam looked surprised. He faltered for a moment then drew in a deep breath and clenched his jaw. “I wanted to say that… I’m sorry I couldn’t save Adam.”

Shiro blinked and glanced at the mug on the desk. He mentally patted himself on the back for having put it on the desk before dropping it or breaking it. He knew he would not have, that was obvious. He was not dramatic. Or at least, not anymore. Not as much as he used to be. But still the risk still remained. “You didn’t --” he started and stopped. “What are you talking about, Sam?” he asked tiredly, frowning.

“I came to Earth to do my best to prepare it for an imminent invasion,” Sam explained gently. “My job was to make sure Earth did not experience the same fate as the other planets. I don’t take blame for what followed. We did our best and if Sendak managed to destroy half of Earth, that wasn’t my fault. I did what I could. But… what happened to the Ninth Squadron was entirely my fault. Especially since Adam lead it.”

“Sam…”

“I talked to him, Shiro.” Sam leaped forward, leaning on to his desk with a desperate look on his eyes. “I told him that you were coming home. He was waiting for you. And then suddenly Sanda just sent the Ninth Squadron out and I didn’t even know Adam was going to be in on it! i didn’t realise it until I saw his name pop up on the screen. I promise.”

“Sam, I believe you,” Shiro told him quickly. This was starting to get too much.

Sam sighed, leaning back again on his chair. He ran his fingers across the dashboard, stroking it gingerly. “You saved my son and put yourself in so much harm’s way. Then you saved my daughter so many times. You saved me. And now I get to work here at the Atlas and fight against the Galra.”

“Sam… I didn’t do it for the thanks.” Shiro’s eyes widened. “Matt was a good friend. And Pidge is like a sister to me.”

Sam glanced at the word ‘was’. It was true. They used to be very good friends and now they were no longer as close as they used to be. Some people said that surviving something together brings two people closer. It the opposite for Shiro and Matt. It even did the opposite for Shiro and Keith, which was the last thing he had ever expected. “The least I could do, Shiro, was keep Adam alive until you got back.”

“You weren’t supposed to pay me back by saving Adam.” Shiro frowned. “That’s not why I did the things I did. Besides, Adam wasn’t your responsibility. He isn’t stupid. He knew what he was getting himself into and he went anyway.” Shiro paused, surprised at the anger he felt towards Adam. You kept your promise, didn’t you, Adam? For a moment he hated Adam for doing that, for willing giving his life to a failed cause. But then again, this is what they were trained for back then when they were still soldiers of the Garrison. He should not fault Adam but he could not help it. You abandoned me, too, when you got on that fighter jet. “He knew what was going to happen. You can’t take responsibility for that.”

“He was a pilot. Not a commanding officer. It’s the responsibility of a commanding officer to make sure the pilot --”

“I know. But it’s not your fault. It was entirely out of your hands.” Shiro grit his teeth, keeping his eyes on anything that was not Sam.

But Sam went on insisting. “I couldn’t --”

“Stop!” Shiro clenched his fists to keep them from slamming onto the desk. He wanted to cry. He begged for some tears to fall but his eyes remained dry as dead bone. “I don’t want your apology. I don’t want you to be responsible for what happened to Adam. You’re my friend and I’m not going to hold you, of all people, responsible for what happened to him. Sanda, yes, a thousand times, yes. But not you. Not Iverson. So, please. Sam. Stop it.” He sounded desperate, his tone whiny. He felt silly and childish.

Sam was silent for a long time. “Not even Iverson, huh?”

Shiro shook his head. “He did his best, Sam. And he’s apologised. It makes sense that he should apologise. But not you.”

Sam paused for a long moment again. “Did Sanda ever say anything?”

Shiro finally looked up and scoffed out a dry laugh. “She boasted about what she did.” Then he frowned. “She did apologise, though. But it was too….” He did not finish.

“Sanda boasted about it? For maintaining protocol?” Sam asked, knowing her very well.

Shiro nodded, smirking bitterly. “And the worst part is I’ve lost the chance to receive any apology from her.” He shrugged roughly. “That chance went up in flames. People think she’s this glorified Admiral who gave her life for humanity. Maybe she did. But she’s not beyond criticism. She did some shitty things. None of which will be talked about at least for the next few decades.”

“Not in my lifetime, that’s for sure.” Sam nodded. “Maybe when you’re old and gray… Well. Grayer.”

Shiro frowned at him with offense.

Sam chuckled, running his fingers through his own prematurely gray scalp. He still had some dark hairs left on his head. “I still find myself guilty for my actions. Or lack thereof. I think about what I could’ve --”

“Sam! Stop it! I don’t want to know!” Shiro trembled with hot rage. His chest hurt and he knew that if he cried a little the pain would elevate. “I don’t want to know how bad you feel about this. I don’t want to talk about it.” He paused, himself feeling a bit guilty seeing Sam’s injured face. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I don’t think you should be telling me this just because I’m his family. You should sort this out with someone else.” He sighed, standing up.

“Shiro…” Sam straightened as though he was going to run after him wherever he went but remained seated.

“It’s not your fault,” Shiro told him firmly, sternly. Then ignoring Sam’s wide wet eyes and parted lips, he turned around and left. Shiro needed someone to comfort him. The first person that came to mind was Curtis and he did not hesitate.

He had the sensation as though he was falling and he needed someone to grab him by the collar and pull him back onto safety. Perhaps he was being utterly selfish. He knew he was very selfish and blind to others’ needs. But right now, he needed a friend and quite desperately. And if Curtis did mean what he said, that they were friends, then Shiro could speak with him about this. If not, then Shiro would still learn something about himself. If Curtis did not want to help then Shiro would have the proof that he was no longer capable being friends with someone.

Either way, Shiro would speak with Curtis and find out.

Notes:

jinkies.
loss is hard huh. trauma is hard, too, seems like.
anyway. let me know what you think.
i uploaded another chapter in the other adashi fic if anyone wanted to read that! :)
please let me know what you think of this fic, if you have any suggestion of advice, or anything you'd like to mention. any feedback helps a lot! thanks very much!

Chapter 11: Chapter 11

Notes:

I know i said zero progress but i spent the past couple hours writing a chapter which y'all will see next update. so here's one.

Curtis is here!

enjoy :)

“Is that what he said? That he’s the reason that happened? The Ninth Squadron died?” Curtis asked. He refilled the cup of tea and pushed it to Shiro.

Shiro gratefully sipped it, washing away the taste of coffee. He tucked his socked feet under him on the couch in Curtis’s office and settled a bit more comfortably. He went so far as to unbutton his collar and fold his sleeve.

Curtis on the other hand took off his uniform jacket and placed in on the back of the chair he was sitting on. He lifted his own socked feet on the couch’s armrest and leaned back. Shiro glanced at his feet aimed directly at his face and chose to ignore it. It was comforting instead of annoying.

“Yeah!” Shiro exclaimed irritably. He sighed heavily. “I kept telling him I don’t want to talk about it but he just went on and on. If he’s suffering about what happened he could talk to me about it, sure. But because we’re friends. Not because I’m Adam’s family.” He drew in a sharp breath. “I don’t want that.”

Curtis nodded. “He didn’t think this through.” He traced the mug with his thumb and said, “Maybe if he’d talked to someone else about this first…”

“I think he talked to Slav about this.” Shiro narrowed his eyes. “That little cunt.”

Curtis coughed to hide his laugh.

Shiro turned sharply to him. “It’s funny, is it?”

He pursed his lips looking ashamed. “I don’t think anyone other me has heard you call anyone a cunt.”

Shiro rolled his eyes. He was already calm now that he was with Curtis. Sam did not piss him off very much. Instead he felt good enough that he wanted to share more with Curtis, tell him about Adam, what he was like, and what they were like together. “I learned to swear in English from Adam,” he blurt out and then turned scarlet in embarrassment. What did Curtis care about that? Why would anyone ever in the history of existence want to know that fact about him?

But Curtis’s eyes widened and he grinned. “Wait, really? You didn’t know how to swear in English before you met him?”

Shiro scratched his cheek, relaxing a little.

“You’re so red,” Curtis laughed, very amused.

Shiro turned away. “My grandfather didn’t like to swear much when I was little and insisted that I save it for when I was a bit older.” He snorted, remembering the resilient old man. “So naturally I was pretty excited to learn a lot of swear words when I came here. And Adam supplied me with those.” He smiled fondly at the memories. Adam used to be such a snarky little shit when they were kids. So much like Keith. He could see right before himself, Adam’s scrawny self, red faced and sweaty after training, and excitedly telling Shiro about something stupid that only their teenage brains would find funny as they ran for the showers.

“What was he like?” Curtis asked curiously.

“Who? Adam?”

Curtis hesitated then nodded. “Yeah. And your grandfather. What did you call him?”

Shiro smiled. “Sofu.” He started, shocked at the unfamiliar accept that slipped his throat. “I barely remember Japan anymore.”

“We should visit Japan then,” Curtis told him, smiling. “See your grandfather’s house.”

“It’s probably in shambles after the invasion.” Shiro waved dismissively to hide the hurt.

“You keep saying that. Let’s still check it out. You have a property in Japan. I want to see it. And your home town.”

Shiro stared at him. “All - all right. But we’ll visit India, too, then.”

“That’s good,” he answered instantly, grinning, as though he had been expecting it. “I’ve got relatives all the country. Tell me where you want to go and we’ll have free housing and food.”

Shiro nodded. A small burst of warmth bloomed in his chest and it hurt in a way that made him want to cry, and yet he could not. He has felt that way a couple other times around Curtis and each time he has been left confused and afraid. Having a friend, especially a close friend such as Curtis, someone with whom Shiro felt naturally himself, with whom he be silly and stupid and not hold himself back, -- having a friend like that, it should not hurt. Although he was somehow certain that if he could identify exactly where within his chest, if he could find out what caused the pain, he would be able to cry. And once he cried, he would be fine. It would stop hurting.

“What about Adam?” Curtis asked, nudging him with his foot.

Shiro pursed his lips for a moment, suddenly very possessive of those memories. But Curtis always talked about his family to him, even shared details that he would not tell anyone else and made Shiro swear that he would never tell anyone. Shiro felt that he could let Curtis have this. So he told him. He talked about Adam, since the day they met at the academy, in class, about the days they were assigned flight partners over and over, until they started requesting for it, about how Shiro exchanged dorms with Adam’s roommate so that the two of them could live together, against the officers’ better judgement, about how Adam suddenly one told him that he loved Shiro and Shiro did not need to be told again, because he knew that Adam loved him and that he loved Adam, too. Then Shiro told him about the proposal, that almost no one knew about. He told Curtis that he could not remember if he had told Sam and Matt, but today other than Curtis only Shiro has told only Slav and no one else.

“Was it suppose to be a secret?” Curtis asked curious. “The engagement?”

Shiro shook his head. “Not really. We didn’t really get the chance to tell anyone about it. The Kerberos Mission was announced right after that and… things went downhill immediately.” He pursed his lips.

“Why didn’t Adam want you to go on that mission?” Curtis asked.

Shiro had expected that question and yet it made his heart skip several beats. “That one’s a secret though,” he told Curtis, smirking.

Curtis nodded and remained silent, looking down at his cold mug. He had not touched it even once while he had been listening to Shiro. Why was he so interested in Shiro’s life?

“I don’t think anyone except the commanding officers know this today,” Shiro said. “Sanda knew and she didn’t want me on the mission either. Iverson knew. Matt and Sam. A few other friends who are not here anymore.”

Curtis watched him intensely.

“I had a disease.”

Curtis nodded. “I’d heard about that, I think. It was one of the conspiracy theories about what’d happened on Kerberos. That you’d crashed the ship because of that disease. Veronica believed that, too.”

Shiro shook his head. “It wasn’t like that. But it did make me pretty sick. And… the thing is… it was terminal.”

Curtis’s eyebrows shot up into his hair. He stared at Shiro for a long moment. “Oh.”

“I had just a few more years I could remain fit enough to pilot off-planet missions,” he went on softly. “It was already making me very sick, and it was getting worse. So I wanted to make the most of it.” He paused. “I guess Adam wanted to make the most of it, too. But I didn’t love him enough.” He touched his prosthetic, remembering the little bracelet that he has not seen in so long.

Curtis wheeled his chair closer and dropped his feet beside Shiro. He rubbed Shiro’s thigh with his feet as if to comfort him.

“I was too ambitious. I was selfish. I wanted to make my mark in history.” He drew in a deep breath. “I was going to lose everything and I wasn’t ready to give anything up.” He laughed. “I learned to make sacrifices the hard way. Out there. But back then I wasn’t ready to make the choices that would have given me some peace. I just wanted to do more, make more, take more. I mean, I knew it wouldn’t have satisfied me either way, but I can’t just sit around and wait for the inevitable. It shortened the time I had, of course, and that’s terrifying. But I wasn’t ready to let go, yet.” He sighed, shutting his eyes. “I had to learn eventually. The hard away. If I’d learned back then… then maybe…” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter.”

Curtis wheeled closer and put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing his back.

Shiro laughed and rubbed his face to hide his embarrassment and discomfort. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to rant out my life story like that.”

Curtis shook his head. “No, I… I’m glad you told me.”

“Hm.”

Curtis rested his hand on his back and it was so natural and soothing that Shiro felt infinitely better. He thought for a few seconds that he might finally cry over Adam and be done with it, but he did not.

They sat in silence for a while.

“I don’t like talking too much about him,” Shiro told him and winced. He had not wanted to continue speaking. He felt as though he was imposing in on Curtis’s boundaries.

“Why not?” Curtis asked, leaning forward and frowning, with a sincere look in his eyes. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

Shiro sighed, smiling. “Well, there’s one reason.”

“You can talk to me about him. All day every day.” He nodded firmly. “Or about anything at all, really.”

“Thanks, Curtis. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

Curtis rolled his eyes. “I have a feeling I do.”

He snorted. “Yeah. I can tell. Well. That, and… I don’t want to dilute his memory. If I talk too much about him, it feels like it’s wrong somehow, I don’t know. Because… no one knows him like I do. No one ever will.”

“I see.” He nodded slowly, pondering that.

“But I also don’t want people to forget him. I don’t think he’d have liked that. But I’m not sure. You know?” He turned desperately to Curtis. “That’s the problem, you know? I don’t know what he’d have wanted. I can guess. I can imagine. But I’ll never know. We never talked about it. Not really. We both knew I was going to die first, and now I have - I have all this time, my entire life, exactly what Adam wanted, an entire life for me, and us. I have so much time. And it’s all so pointless. Cause, like what’s the point? What’s really the point if he’s not here?” He threw his hands irritably and leaned back.

Curtis rubbed his back again, his hand moving to Shiro’s hair and he rubbed his neck soothingly. “That’s the problem with loved ones. When they’re gone. That’s the problem with loss.”

“I thought I’d come back and at least get to apologise. At least, say, ‘well, I’m cured now, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and burned my fucking wings in the sun’. It’s like a cruel punishment. What am I supposed to do all this time now?” He shrugged aggressively.

“Live, I guess,” Curtis said, shrugged. “Isn’t that Adam would’ve wanted?”

Shiro looked up. “And how would you know what he would’ve wanted.”

“Cause he sounds like he really cared about you. If he did, and if he wanted you to live a long and happy life, shouldn’t you do that?”

“What, without him?” Shiro frowned, annoyed. Hadn’t he been listening?

Curtis paused, then said, “It’s not like he’s completely gone, right? You two grew up together. When you spend so much time together with someone, and it’s someone very important, they become a part of you. Even after they’re gone. You know what I mean?”

“But it’s just - it’s just memories.” Shiro shook his head, still annoyed.

Curtis nodded. “We’re all just memories in the end. We’re all just how people remember us.”

Shiro lowered his eyes, hurt. “Is that all we are?”

“What more can we be? It’s not like we all live very long. Not everyone’s Zarkon or Haggar. Isn’t that why you went on the Kerberos Mission? On all those missions? Not just because you liked it, or that you were good at it. That’s there, too. But it’s also because that’s how you wanted people to remember you. That’s also kinda why I joined the Garrison.” Curtis shrugged again. “I think most of us did. Not just because the pay’s pretty good and you get to do what you love. But also because the Galaxy Garrison is a big deal. And the IGF-Atlas.”

Shiro pondered that for a long while, swirling the cold tea in his mug. “It’s one of the reasons I want to be a paladin again” he admitted quietly. “For all those reasons, yeah, and this one, too.”

Curtis gave him a look of utter pity and grief. “Maybe - maybe someday --”

Shiro shook his head. “The Black Lion chose Keith. It’s for the best anyway.” He considered smiling but realised he could not.

They sat in silence for a while then Curtis got up and poured more tea for them. “All right, back into it again, your grandpa.”

Shiro stared at him, surprised. “You seem interested.” The last time he had talked to anyone about his grandfather, Hunk and Pidge had walked out of the virtual room. He had picked a very inopportune moment, true, but it had crushed his poor little heart and he had not brought him up again. Not that he talked about his family at all.

“I am. You never told me anything about him. What about your parents? When did they die?” Curtis settled down even more cozily on his chair, dropping his feet almost on Shiro’s lap.

“So this is what we’re gonna do today?” Shiro smirked. “20 questions about me?”

Curtis shrugged again, gesturing vaguely. “Or not. Whichever. I just want to sit here with you in this room till the ends of time.” He paused, throwing Shiro a frown.

Shiro snorted.

“Work’s been tough,” Curtis said, groaning.

“Your work load is low this time, I know that for a fact.” Shiro grinned.

“You don’t know all that about me.”

“All right, tell me then.” Shiro shifted, getting more comfortable and turning to face him.

“20 questions about me, too?” Curtis grinned.

“Yeah.” Shiro nodded enthusiastically.

“All right. We’re going to do our horoscopes next.”

“Sounds fun.”

“You know what, it actually does.”

Notes:

Let me know what you guys think! really appreciate any feedback!! :) Thanks so much!!

Chapter 12: Chapter 12

Notes:

This is so dumb.
Have fun.

 

When Shiro had agreed to be present at the meeting at this newly established, newly terraformed planet he had not thought that he would have to consent to a week long stay. Everyone had insisted. And Shiro, too, believed that people needed to relax a little bit. Something Curtis had told him he needed to do, too. This time he had even brought Sam and Hunk into the conversation.

“You really don’t chill much, Shiro,” Hunk had told him a bit off-handedly. “Not that I expect you to, you know, given your job and stuff. But like - like, you know. One of these days you gonna start wearing your uniform to bed.”

“My wife is a very hard working woman,” Sam had told him sternly. “And we’ve learned together that there’s a fine line between hard working and slipping into workaholism.”

“Actually, you might really have been wearing your uniform to bed,” Hunk had continued thoughtfully. “You know, now that I think about it, I never actually went to your room at the Castleship and I never really imagined you going to bed in PJs. Like, like we’ve all imagined that you go to bed in full armour or, maybe like at least in your Galra combat boots.” He shrugged.

Curtis had kindly stopped him there and had raised his eyebrows at Shiro.

So now, Shiro suddenly found himself with nothing much to do besides hang around and look at the market. The President of that planet had insisted that the paladins and the bridge officers, at the very least, with their families if they were present stay on the surface.

“This is good,” Curtis had told him. “You won’t run to the bridge first thing in the morning.”

“I don’t overwork,” Shiro had answered indignantly. “I’m a soldier. And you’re just lazy.”

Curtis gave him a calm disappointed look, and Shiro quickly backtracked.

“I’m sorry, that was unnecessary.”

“You’re upset for being called out. And your pride got smudged, too. I get that.” He nodded understandingly. “But don’t insult me for that.”

Shiro sighed with pain. It was as though Curtis could read him like a fucking social media post. There was no hiding from him, no point pretending. Or maybe he did not pretend all that much around Curtis anyway. He always felt comfortable enough to be himself -- he whined, laughed, insulted, said stupid shit, be utterly undignified in general. Curtis even knew about his daily routine, his family, and hell, even his past, including the disease and bits and pieces of the time spent at the prison. It was not surprising that Curtis knew him so well.

So now here he was, strolling through the fair, ignoring the stares and listening to Coran explain the objects he remembered seeing during his time 10,000 years ago. The universe has changed since then but surprisingly a lot of things were still the same. Curtis, however, was reading the map very carefully. Shiro would’ve liked to do it himself and kept peeking over Curtis’s shoulder but listening to Coran was just as interesting. He tried to file away as much information as he could that he believed and hoped would come in handy for a mission later.

“And that is what I believe would be a Schophian pie!” Coran pointed at a blue and green jelly topped pie sitting on a big tray for display at the shop.

Shiro grimaced at it and Curtis gave him an anxious look.

“Although the recipe seems to have changed a bit since then,” Coran added peering at it and tapping his chin.

“Fresh outta the freezer!” the shopkeeper announced cheerfully. “The first slice has a 10% discount!”

“Looks a bit more extravagant than I remember,” Coran muttered, leaning further onto the pie.

Shiro and Curtis leaned forward and saw some little chunks of what appeared to be lizard tails drifting in the jelly dome and grimaced again. Curtis nudged Shiro silently and Shiro said as kindly as he could, “Looks very good, Coran.” Curtis rolled his eyes irritably. Shiro sighed disappointed with himself.

“Let’s give it a try, shall we, boys?” Coran exclaimed suddenly. “We’ll have three slices, ma’am!”

“No, I’m good,” Shiro said quickly.

Coran turned hopefully to Curtis.

“Yeah, I think I’ll save some space for later,” Curtis explained, looking at him right in the eye and smiling. “We haven’t looked at everything yet.”

Shiro stared at him in admiration.

Coran deflated a little and then rolled up his sleeves. “Let’s have one slice then!”

“Small, medium, big, or extra large?” She brought out a plate.

“Let’s have --”

“Small,” Shiro interrupted Coran quickly. “Like Curtis said, we haven’t looked at everything yet,” he explained when Coran looked indignant.

The next shop that caught Shiro and Curtis’s attention was a bit more enclosed that the usual ones, but it had a lot of colourful lights. A poster of an alien with what appeared to be eight flailing tentacled arms dressed as a feathery bird was displayed beside the door. It looked very empty.

Curtis pointed at it. “What’s that?”

“Oh, that looks like a music store,” Coran told him disinterestedly. “But look at this one here! They make shell houses for you! It was quite the fad when I was young. I had a clam shell jacket studded with gorgeous little rubies.”

But they were more interested in the tentacled alien dressed as a bird. Curtis nudged Shiro silently again and Shiro told Coran, “Why don’t you go see if the shell store would have jackets for us and we find out what kinda music they sell?”

“Sounds wonderful!”

As soon as they walked in they found themselves to be transported into a completely new world. The walls were filled with shelves and the shelves were filled with little gadgets and trinkets, and what Shiro believed to be souvenirs or little artistic sculptures people placed on their shelves. Adam had a decorated little blue porcelain camel that he kept beside Shiro’s plants on the bookshelf. Shiro remembered that it belonged to his mother once. It seemed like such a long time ago, as though his mother had nothing to do with Shiro today anymore.

“What are these things?” Curtis whispered anxiously.

But Shiro was excited to see so many things cramped together into one shop. The inner rooms were through a pink curtain that rustled from a nonexistent breeze, and through that doorway, they vaguely heard a song being played from what sounded like an old radio. They could not discern the words but they heard the guitar and liked it.

“Must be a souvenir shop,” Shiro murmured. “Look at that.” He pointed at what looked like a feather duster that has been through the garbage disposal one too many times. “What’s wrong with it?”

“I don’t know but I swear to god that one is a butt plug,” Curtis told him and pointed at another object that looked the statue of a little tree.

“That’s not a butt plug!”

“How many butt plugs have you seen?”

“How many have you seen?!”

“That is a butt plug,” said a quiet voice behind them.

They whipped around and saw the very same alien from the poster, but here they were no longer wearing the bird costume. Instead, they were dressed in a regular tee shirt and a short jacket. They smiled kindly at Shiro and Curtis. “How can I help you beautiful ladies?” They sounded old although in the insufficiently lit shop they could not tell their age.

“I’m - we’re men,” Shiro said awkwardly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, dear. Are you looking for butt plugs?” They smiled even more kindly.

“N - no.” Shiro turned to Curtis for backup but Curtis kept his mouth stubbornly shut, glancing between the two of them.

“That’s all right, dear.” They stepped up the front desk and leaned over it, looking at the shelves. “First time?”

“For what?” Shiro asked curiously.

They chuckled, waving a tentacle at him and fixing their hair with another. They already had a little pad in their hands and seemed to be going through a list. “That’s all right. I can guide you two into the best night you’ll ever have. Just tell me what your interested in and I’m sure I have something here that’ll help you.”

“Oh, no,” Curtis muttered.

It took a few seconds for Shiro to properly register what was happening and few more seconds to come up with a response. “I’m afraid we’ve come to the wrong shop,” he said as nonchalantly as he could but his voice gave him away.

They shook their head. “Oh, dear, it’s all right. Couples come here and change their minds all the time. It’s very easy to get overwhelmed with all the stuff on the walls but most of them are for very specific things. I’d recommend that shelf for first time couples.” They waved another of their tentacle at a shelf right next to them and they observed it for a moment. Nothing they saw looked familiar. “Or perhaps I’m getting this wrong. What species are you?”

They stared at the shelf without answering.

“Who’s top and who’s bottom? Let’s start with that.”

“You’ve very kind to us,” Shiro blurt out. His vision swam. “But we’re not even a couple. And, uh, I don’t think humans are capable of using most of those things.”

“They’re very good, I’m sure,” Curtis added hastily. His trembling voice was noticeably high pitched. “We’re - we’re just - we didn’t realise what kind of shop this was when we walked in. Our friend told us this is a music shop and we thought we’d buy something.”

They smiled kindly at Curtis and nodded. “Oh, dear. I understand.” They clearly did not believe Curtis or Shiro but was simply allowing them to lie. “But still, here you go. This is my card. If you change your mind some day and happen to drop by…” They winked. “…you know where to find me. Ask for Ruby.”

Curtis took the card and Shiro bowed instinctively. Thanking them quietly, they stepped out. They looked at the poster once more and realised that it was certainly the shopkeeper themselves and this picture must have been from their youth. Suddenly they were looking at the bird costume very differently.

Blinking furiously, Shiro grabbed Curtis by the hand and towed him to a quiet little place behind a signboard where they could exclaim and maybe lie down. They stood looking around to see who was watching and their eyes fell on each other rather unexpectedly. They burst out laughing.

Curtis was almost choking. Shiro pressed his hands over his face and moaned loudly.

“You’re so red!” Curtis whispered loudly. “Holy shit! You’re so red!”

“Who said we can’t have fun without Veronica?!” Shiro hissed back.

“Oh, no I’m crying. I’m from laughing.”

“Guh! Me, too. I’m sobbing.”

“What’s wrong with us?!”

“Everything, Curtis! Nothing’s right with us!”

“Coran’s betrayed us!”

“Nooooooo, Coran’s betrayed us!”

Curtis took out the card and they read it carefully. Their professional name was Ruby Rouge and they even had a website. They offered deliveries all across the solar system and a nearby few.

“They offer consultations for free,” Shiro said and was sniggering again, leaning on Curtis’s shoulder. “Oh, no it hurts now. It hurts to laugh.”

“I’m showing this to my family.” Curtis took a picture of it.

“No one can hear of it,” Shiro told him.

“My family won’t tell anyone, I promise.” Curtis gave Shiro the card.

“Why are you giving me this?” Shiro took it and read it again.

“I don’t want people to find this on my dead body.”

“Argh! Neither do I!” Shiro tried to shove it into Curtis’s front pocket but Curtis kept slipping out of his grip. Shiro considered pinning him down but that would be rude. “I’ll shove this down your throat!”

“I’ll shove it up your ass! Don’t give me that!”

Shiro gave up and sighed. “What do we do with this one? Burn it? Eat it?”

“No, don’t eat it. It might be poisonous.” Curtis put his hands on his hips, thinking.

Shiro stood watching Curtis for a while and suddenly he felt ridiculously boyish. “How about we just leave it at the canteen and see who gets blamed for it?”

Curtis’s eyes widened. “You’re an evil mastermind, Shiro. I worry about us.”

“I’ll let you be my side kick,” Shiro promised determinedly giving him his brightest grin.

Curtis considered it. “We can’t tell Veronica.”

“We won’t tell anyone.”

“What if someone sees us?”

“Leave it to me. I’ve snuck around in Galra ships. I can drop a card in a crowded canteen without anyone seeing me.”

Curtis narrowed his eyes. “God, you’re dangerous.” Then he grinned as well. “I like that.”

Shiro sniggered. “Deal?”

“Deal.”

“Did anyone see us come out of there?”

“I don’t think so. Let’s pretend this never happened.”

“Yeah. Never happened to us.”

“Evil. So evil.”

Notes:

Let me know what you think :') Thanks for reading

Chapter 13: Chapter 13

Notes:

Unedited. Unproofread. Straight outta the oven. Hot and steaming.

Enjoy.

Shiro did not have plans that night after work. The President had insisted that he and Allura spend some time with her after dinner and Shiro had made Keith sit with them to get him used to pleasing leaders. Later, when Shiro would no longer be able to lead Voltron anymore, Keith would have to do this. It was important to start training before it was too late. Shiro had neglected to train Keith before to be a leader and that had caused a lot of problems for the team when he had not been with them. The bridge officers were offered to remain as well, and they too had readily agreed.

By the time they were ready to return to bed, Curtis asked Shiro if he would like to sit in his room and take a few moments to relax before heading to bed. “It’s not that late, anyway,” he had said, cheerfully. “And I’d like some drink before bed.”

Shiro decided to bring the wine he had been gifted not too long ago and snuck into Curtis’s room as silently as he could without letting anyone see him. He did not want to be called away for work or for any pleasantries with a bottle of wine in his hand at a stranger’s mansion.

“This looks expensive,” Curtis told him observing the bottle carefully. “Not that I know a lot about wines.”

Shiro shrugged. “I don’t drink much and I don’t know much about any drink to be honest. Is it good?”

“Must be. They won’t gift you bad wine, right?”

They needed to uncork it very carefully. Surprisingly everything they needed was available in the cupboards above the sink. Shiro had never done it before and he discovered that neither had Curtis. They could not call a friend because then they would have to invite them. They finally resorted to the internet, hunting for videos that could guide them through it. Curtis instructed Shiro to do it.

“You’re buff, you do it,” Curtis told him. “Put those muscles to use.”

"Why don't i just break the neck off? I can do that." Shiro tapped the neck with his prosthic forefinger and it made a loud clinking noise. 

Curtis gasped and dived behind Shiro. "No!" he hissed furiously.

They fumbled through it a few times until finally Shiro managed to take it off and placed it on the desk. He flopped onto the chair and heaved a relieved sigh.

“Are you sweating?” Curtis asked, still frowning.

“I think so.” Shiro took off his jacket and wiped his forehead.

“Are you OK?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just thought I’d break that. Or break something.”

“Oh. OK.”

They poured a little on one glass and Shiro offered to let himself to be the guinea pig.

“Are you sure?” Curtis asked anxiously.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Shiro told him cheerfully. “I’ve been experimented on enough times. This can’t be worse than Haggar.”

Curtis frowned deeper then nodded. “All right. I’ll call the Atlas for an emergency if it poisons you.” He took out his comms pad and prepared to call the ship as quickly as he could.

“If it kills me, tell Allura she can have the arm and the crystal back.”

“Don’t be dramatic.”

“No, I’m serious.”

“Don’t be serious. You’re going to be fine. I’ll call Atlas if anything happens.”

“Listen…. Don’t let me die.”

“Yes, yes. I won’t.”

Shiro tapped the glass and sniffed it and swirled it. Curtis watched him patiently. Finally, taking a deep breath, he took a large sip. Instantly he was coughing.

“Are you dying?” Curtis demanded. “Should I call the Atlas? Shiro? Shiro! Don’t die!”

Shiro shook his head and tried to laugh through the coughs. He wiped his eyes and nose and choked out, “It’s really spicy.”

Curtis grimaced.

“It’s not bad though.”

“Should I try it?”

“You like spicy food.”

“Yeah but this is not chicken.”

“Here.”

Curtis liked the wine, as well. So, they moved to the balcony and sat on the large arm chair together and brought a glass each.

Shiro stared at the stars, at the Atlas looking like a blip beside the two moons. As he watched, the third moon rose and set in a few minutes at the distance, far beyond the two closer moons. Curtis watched the sky as well, his eyes lingering on the Atlas just as Shiro’s.

Shiro watched Curtis then, his dark eyes were soft and wide. Shiro knew what he was thinking of. “Are you missing Earth?” he asked gently.

Curtis sighed glumly. He did not answer. Instead, he sipped the wine and kept his eyes sadly on the ship.

“Are you going to be OK tonight?” Shiro asked.

He shrugged dismissively. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

Shiro looked away for a moment. “Do you want me to stay over?” He hated the idea of Curtis spending the night alone while he felt so lonely and homesick.

But he shook his head once more. “I have to get used to it.”

“Curtis, you don’t have to torture yourself over it. You have time to get adjusted.”

Curtis scoffed irritably. “You’re the one to talk.”

Shiro rolled his eyes. “You keep telling me to take it easy and then you’re refusing to do that.”

Curtis sighed weakly. “Don’t tempt me, Shiro. What will we the tell the others, then? That you stayed over for what? They’ll come looking for you.”

Shiro considered that. “Then spend the night with me. At my room.”

Curtis burst out laughing. “Do you have any idea what that sounded like just now?”

Shiro turned red. “You know what I mean, you weirdo.”

“I don’t know…” He shook his head again, sighing weakly. “I don’t really have any reason to stay at your place tonight. Just that I miss Earth.”

“It’s a valid reason.” Shiro shrugged. “You can have the bed and I’ll take the couch. It’s big enough for me.”

“No, no, I’ll take the couch.”

“You’re taller than me, Curtis, don’t be dumb.”

He turned away looking hurt. “Don’t call me dumb when I’m vulnerable.”

Shiro pursed his lips, instantly guilty. He put his hand on Curtis’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t actually mean that.”

He slid down the chair and leaned his leg against Shiro’s. “I don’t know what excuse I’m going to make.” He shut his eyes sadly and shook his head. “No, let’s leave that. I don’t want to complicate things. You can come over early tomorrow.”

Shiro watched him sip the wine sadly and watch the Atlas. Shiro’s heart ached at the sight of that beautiful man. He sighed and wondered what was wrong with himself. “All right, I’ve got a plan.”

“Uh ho.” Curtis turned to him, frowning.

“No, don’t ‘uh-oh’ me, asshole. I have a plan. I can make a good excuse but I need to know first that you’re sure about spending the night at my place. I get nightmares. Sometimes I talk in my sleep and I can be disturbingly creepy. But I don’t snore or flail and kick.”

Curtis blinked at him, slightly amused and surprised. “OK.”

“Are you sure you want to stay there? Because I promise you, if you’re not OK we can arrange for something. No one has to know.”

Curtis sat up straight, grinning. “Therapy is free, baby boi, I don’t care if you summon demons in your sleep. I’d rather have you traumatise me than cry in my room alone the whole night.”

Shiro started laughing so hard that his side hurt and he had to put his glass down on the floor. Still giggling, he got up and wiped his eyes and picked up the wine bottle.

“What are you going to do?” Curtis asked, looking a bit too delighted than he should.

Shiro laughed once more. “Watch.” He walked up to the bed and pulled the blankets away. He stared at the pristine golden sheets and then without a word splattered some wine on it.

He heard Curtis wheeze and scramble out of the chair and run into bedroom. He collapsed onto the bed and gripped his head. “What did you do?! It looks like a murder scene!”

Shiro laughed, slightly embarrassed. Maybe he has gone too far. “You could tell them you got your period. They don’t know you enough to question that.”

Curtis gave him his usual but a bit more exasperated disappointed look. “You’re so gay, Shiro. This is not what period looks like.”

Shiro hesitated. “Human period.” He raised a finger and his brows.

Curtis gave him a dismayed look and then at the ruined bed sheet. Then he started to laugh. He buried his face into his face and laughed quietly.

“Are you mad?” Shiro asked in a small voice, scratching the rim of the bottle.

Curtis looked up, still laughing. “No,” he wheezed out.

Shiro was suddenly struck by how handsome he was. He chuckled as well.

“No, I’m not mad. Let me - ah, let me get my stuff.” He stood up and started making his way to his bags. “We have too many secrets, Shiro. We have to make notes so that we can leave these behind when we die.”

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“When someone offers to write your biography, tell them to include these.” Curtis paused to glance back at him. “I want the world to know how ridiculous and dumb you really are. Legend, my ass.”

Shiro sealed the bottle and helped Curtis pack. As he watched Curtis sort out what he would need tomorrow morning and what he should leave behind, Shiro realised it was not just that Curtis knew him. Shiro knew Curtis, too. The quiet and polite, extremely talented Curtis who could do no wrong. He was not that different up close. But there was more to him than everyone knew. He favourite sister was his second eldest sister, the one he had grown up with, as opposed to his eldest sister who had been more of a parent. He liked to stretch before sitting down at his station. He did not like coffee very much either and drank only one cup just after noon, sometime around 1 pm. He liked to read before bed and on Saturdays he would always watch a movie, whether Shiro joined him or not. In fact, now Shiro knew what kind of books he read and what kind of movies he liked. He even know what Curtis would say and what he would think. And Shiro always found himself wondering that every time he saw something or heard something. He would find Curtis later and tell him just to see his face, just to hear what he had to say even though he knew it already.

Now, Curtis did not need to tell him what he would need for the stay. Shiro could help sort out the stuff for him on his own with only a question or two.

Notes:

Shiro is up to no good these days. Commander, the universe depends on you to keep your shit together around Curtis and not get too comfortable. you still have a war to lead, sir.
Also... I know people who have actually done this trick. :) I am people. Cause i didn't want to sleep on my bed, cause my room's too hot. i poured juice on it and my mother thought i wet the bed... and this happened like a year ago. i'm 25. at least i got to sleep in the living room which is a pretty cold room. it was worth it.

thanks for reading.

Chapter 14: Chapter 14

Notes:

I don't proofread. that's how confident i am. *sobs* i'm so tired. it's past midnight.

anyway. continuation of the previous chapter. i'd initially written the two together as one chapter then remembered this fic doesn't have 10k/13k chapters. hah.

enjoy!

At Shiro’s room, when Shiro started setting up the couch for himself, Curtis sat down beside him and checked the couch for comfort. He was not satisfied. He flopped onto it a few times, smacked it, rubbed it and lay across it right on top of Shiro’s hand as he placed the pillow.

Shiro gave him an unamused look. “What are you doing?”

“This is not good enough,” he told Shiro firmly. “Come to the bed.”

Shiro raised a brow. “Curtis, if this couch isn’t good enough for me then it’s gonna be worse for you.”

“No, no, I won’t sleep here. We can share. It’s a massive queen sized bed.” He stretched and yawned. “And I don’t snore much either.”

Shiro stared at him. He did not know why he was embarrassed. It was common for the crew to share beds, especially if they were soldiers. But Shiro had not shared bed with anyone unless it was absolutely necessary and even then he had only allowed himself to only doze with his gun or bayard right next to him. But this was Curtis. He knew about Shiro’s PTSD, and he was also someone Shiro did not feel uncomfortable around. Was it simply the discomfort of having to share his privacy with someone or was it because Shiro was sharing a bed with Curtis? “Are you sure, Curtis?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Then he squinted at Shiro. “How loud are you during these nightmares?”

“I won’t be loud,” Shiro promised awkwardly.

He raised his brows, surprised. “And you can do that?” he asked with disbelief. “Make sure you’re not loud?”

Shiro nodded. “I was going to be careful anyway.”

Curtis blinked a few times, thinking. “How? How do have control over your mind when you’re literally unconscious?” he demanded.

Shiro shrugged casually, laughing at his bewilderment. “I’ve had practise. At the prison. And inside the Black Lion’s quintessence field. I told you about that, right?”

“Huh.” Curtis eyed him carefully. “You know… I hate the Galra, and I hate the slave prisons even more. But this worse than I thought.”

Shiro snorted. “Practise makes one perfect.”

“Good lord.” Curtis picked up a yellow fruit from the little bowl on the fancy coffee table and started peeling it thoughtfully.

“Sorry, I’m making you uncomfortable.” Shiro chuckled, a little embarrassed. It was easy to forget that these experiences were not normal.

“No, it’s OK.” Curtis sighed, still frowning. “I’m glad we can talk about this.” He paused to stare at the fireplace for a moment and then handed Shiro a piece of the fruit.

“It’s bed time, Curtis,” Shiro told him, but took the piece anyway.

“Just a little treat.”

“For what?”

He thought about it. “Um.” He raised his piece as if for a toast. “To Earth.”

“This is an alien fruit.” Shiro fought back a giggle.

“You take what you get,” he snapped.

“All right. To Earth.” Shiro raised his piece as well. He let his hand linger for a moment longer after Curtis withdrew his and then watched Curtis eat enthusiastically. He seemed to really like the fruit. It was nice how Curtis usually wore his emotions on his face. He has the most expressive of all faces he had ever known. Perhaps only Lance could be considered to have a very expressive face as well, but still nothing like Curtis. He was nothing like Adam in this regard.

Shiro wondered for a short moment at the back of his mind why he was comparing Curtis with Adam of all people. Has Curtis become so close to Shiro that Shiro saw him as a best friend now? Is this what best friends do?

Curtis said that Shiro did the same, too, except with his eyebrows. The comment, when it was first made in front of Veronica and Iverson, had caught him off guard. It was exactly what Adam used to say about him. Shiro imagined that the paladins certainly mimicked him when he was not around. After all, they did the same for Coran, and each other, too sometimes, and back then they even used to mimic Allura sometimes when she was not looking. This kind of mockery came with leadership all the time.

“Are you going to eat that?” Curtis asked him, squinting at him.

Shiro started and glanced at the fruit in his hand. “Yeah.” He put the entire thing in his mouth and almost choked.

“It’s a bit hot, Shiro, what the hell. Look at the spots.”

Why was a fruit hot?! It was as though Shiro had bit into a chilli. “You can tell from the quizznacking spots?” he wheezed out.

Curtis pursed his lips. “Why were you staring at me?”

Shiro flushed red.

“Are you choking?”

“No, I’m good.”

“OK.”

“OK.”

“Well?”

“Um. I wasn’t staring, you know. I was waiting for - I was just waiting to see whether you liked it.” Shiro turned away, licking his fingers.

“You know you’re the worst liar on Earth, right? No, the universe.”

“What else would I be doing?” Shiro rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, hoping that would do the trick.

Curtis eyed him suspiciously.

Shiro slapped his knees. “It’s late. You’re going to whine in the morning if we don’t sleep now.”

Curtis stood up and took the pillow. “Come on. You’re sleeping on the bed, too.”

Shiro remained on the couch and watched him stroll up to the bedroom door. It was an odd sight. Then Curtis turned around. “You coming?”

“Are you sure about this, Curtis?”

“If you want, I could go back to my room,” he offered, slightly annoyed. “You’re the one who brought me here.”

“Yeah, well… I didn’t think you’d let me sleep on the bed.” Shiro stood up and started gathering the blanket.

Curtis spat out an involuntary laugh. “I won’t let you sleep on your own bed? Aren’t you, like, supposed to be the leader of this Coalition?”

“No, I’m not. I work alongside Allura,” Shiro murmured, embarrassed again.

“My bad.” He turned around. “Fucking weirdo.”

Shiro followed him to the bedroom, his arms laden with the fluffy blanket. “Aw, come on, Curtis. Don’t be mean.”

“Or what?”

“I’ll have you transferred. I’m still your boss.”

“You expect me to cower in terror?”

“Aw, come on.”

 

 

 

 

They lay facing away from each other and then within minutes were comfortable enough to become silent. Neither of them had put on their usual PJs. Shiro knew, having caught him late at night, that Curtis wore shorts and a tank top, and yet tonight he had a quarter trousers and a short sleeve t shirt. Shiro wondered if something had happened since the last time Shiro had seen him in those PJs, and if Curtis too was hiding some gruesome scars underneath those unassuming clothes. But that could not be it. He has been under Shiro’s command since before then and if anything had happened to Curtis, Shiro would know.

Curtis, utterly unbothered or at least seemingly so, told him generously that he would not read tonight and keep Shiro up and they turned the lights off.

Shiro did not know when he managed to doze off. Possibly quite early in the morning. And then when morning came, his alarm went off. He did not hear Curtis complain. But as he reached out to turn it off a hand slapped him harshly right across his cheek.

Shiro gasped and leaped up, grabbing the wrist and started to throw the person across the room. Curtis yelped in shock and horror. He grabbed Shiro by the arm, wide eyed, and exclaimed, “Oh no! Oh no! I’m so sorry!”

Shiro quickly dropped him.

They stared at each other baffled for a few seconds and then Curtis was rolling on the bed, laughing uncontrollably.

“Turn it off!” Curtis shouted over the alarm, and Shiro obeyed.

“I could’ve hurt you, Curtis!” Shiro shouted, horrified, but still fighting laughter. “This is not funny! Stop laughing!”

Curtis buried his face into his pillow, groaning loudly. “You ruined my day,” he accused Shiro.

“You hit me on the face, Curtis!” Shiro shook him roughly and then lay down as well, shaking, no longer finding it funny. “I’ve killed people! You just can’t just do that! I could’ve hurt you! I was going to hurt you! You idiot!

“You woke me up. That’s worse.”

Shiro sighed, sitting up. He patted Curtis gently on the back and pulled the blanket over him. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Curtis groaned. “Me, too.”

Shiro sighed again, rubbing his face. “All right. Lesson learned.”

“Yeah. I thought you were the alarm.”

“I know. My face knows. It hurts, Curtis. I know you thought my face was the alarm. Fucking hell, Curtis.”

“Fuck off, man.”

Notes:

OK so context once more. i've read some fanfics where authors (assuming they're american and not indian) find sharing beds something extremely unusual for men. but the thing is, here, it's not. guys share beds all the time, they hold hands, hug, share an orange, all the things that the west deem either feminine or gay. and secondly, soldiers, from what i've gathered are pretty close knit when they're a team. the voltron family isnt very unsual. which is why Sam, Matt and Shiro falling apart after their time at the prison is a statement on how trauma can change relationships. i liked that Sam and Shiro still tried to maintain somewhat of their old friendship, but i can see that it'll never be the same. so, shiro and curtis sharing a bed isn't very unusual for two close friends.
of course with the western influence men don't do that a lot anymore, but i've grown up during a time when western influence wasn't that great at least with men's friendships (which is kinda heartbreaking to see today) and even now most of the guys i know are very much like these two.
i just wanted to clear this up for the foreign readers.
anyway. now about the chapter : progress on the Curtashi front ^w^

Chapter 15: Chapter 15

Notes:

Let me tell you guys why this chapter feels incomplete.
cause it fucking is.
i accidentally put in too much stuff into one scene and had to chop it up like a galra gladiator's arm and now it looks like this. i'm sorry.
but we have some other people here today!
uh...
hm.
anyway.
enjoy! i hope. heh.

Atlas spent the week primarily on vacation. Neither Shiro not Allura liked the idea of spending an entire week on a single planet without much progress on the war but eventually when they saw how much the people enjoyed, they decided to give in. Surprisingly even though Iverson complained at the meetings, he seemed to be enjoying his time as much as the rest of them if not more. The years on Earth having officially retired from space had softened him and now he was already exhausted fighting a war so far away from home.

Once more Shiro and Curtis unconsciously drifted away from the crowd and started to enjoy wandering the planet on their own. Shiro realised that he liked Curtis’s company the best and always gravitated towards him. He tried to get Veronica to stay with them this time, but she wanted to remain with the women of the party. Somehow the women of the party also included Pidge, and it warmed Shiro’s heart to see her enjoying herself, or at least learning to enjoy herself in the company of only women.

“Kids grow so fast, don’t they?” Shiro commented to Curtis quietly with a fond smile.

Curtis patted his back. “That they do, Commander.”

Shiro gave him a frown. Was he mocking Shiro?

But Curtis had his eyes on the train. It ran faster than the ones on Earth and could transport anyone across the planet in minutes, over oceans and mountains. They decided to get on it and when they got off on the other side, they found Keith and Kosmo getting off as well from the other compartment.

Curtis pounced at Kosmo instantly, giving him scratches till he offered Curtis his butt to be rubbed.

Keith raised a brow. “He’s not this friendly with everyone.”

“Guess I’m lucky,” Curtis told him happily. “I grew up with dogs. The Garrison feels pretty lifeless to me without dogs. It’s good to see Bae Bae and Kosmo at the Atlas.

Keith was surprised. “Really? What kinda dogs? I always wanted a dog.” He gave Shiro a questioning glance.

“My father adopted a couple of local breeds from home. Leela and Mimi. My sisters and I were kids when we got Mimi and we insisted that we name her Pussy but it was vetoed by my parents.” He kept scratching Kosmo’s wiggling butt nonchalantly.

Keith raised his brows at Shiro who did his best to hide his laugh. “You still have them?”

“Mimi’s still around. She’s very old now. Sticks with my granny.” He smiled at Keith and stood up. “Where are you going?”

Keith relaxed. “I was gonna go take a look at the satellite launch pad on the ocean. Investigate the intruder a bit more.”

Shiro frowned at him. Was Keith trying to turn into him this regard as well? Had Shiro done something wrong along the way? “Keith, come on. Krolia had that looked at. You can let it rest now.”

“There are a couple of things I want to see for myself, some stuff I disagreed with her.” Keith took out his pad and showed them to Shiro.

Shiro leaned over and allowed him to explain his complaints, nodding. Then when he was done presenting his case, Shiro said, “You’ve done a clean job on this, Keith. I really appreciate that. But I still think the pattern’s ended after Krolia brought in those people. And they’re locals, too. We have their backgrounds and we’ve got people on look-out. You don’t have to look into this anymore. Why don’t you come with us? Relax a bit. If we see any more stirrings, I’ll send you first to see what’s going on.”

Keith nodded reluctantly.

Shiro had expected Curtis to be disappointed but he seemed even more happy that Kosmo would be with them. Curtis attempted to play fetch with him and race him, tried everything to get Kosmo to get excited. But the only things that made the wolf move was food and pets. Curtis sighed and turned to Keith and said with a hint of disappointment along with endearment, “Your wolf is a cat, Keith.”

“I know. I always wanted a dog and I was happy to have him. Then I discovered he’s a cat.” Keith shrugged, tapping Kosmo on the nose.

Shiro eyed the two of them with a little bit of resentment. “You guys don’t like cats, right?” he asked casually.

“I don’t know cats,” Keith said, shrugging. Then he turned to Kosmo and said, “Well, if cats are like Kosmo then I guess I like cats, too.”

“I like cats.” Curtis attempted to pick Kosmo up but he did not like that and quickly wriggled out his grip. “I just grew up with dogs. My family at India has a cat. He’s very violent though. But I do like him.”

Shiro nodded.

“You like cats, don’t you.” Curtis said it as a statement without a of questioning uncertainty.

“Wait, really?” Keith asked, surprised.

Shiro looked up, equally surprise. “Did I tell you that someday?”

“No. It’s cause you look so pissed right now.” Curtis laughed.

Keith squinted at Shiro observantly and then gave Curtis a questioning look.

Curtis got up unbothered and gestured ahead of them. “Should we look around?”

Shiro, feeling slightly exposed, scratched his cheek and nodded. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

Keith followed the two of them a step or two behind. Kosmo on the other hand led them ahead, getting irritated if they did not follow him. At one point, when they decided to take a different route against his wishes, he teleported the three of them to have his way. It required some coaxing sometimes to be allowed to somewhere Kosmo did not care for.

Finally, they found an art museum that intrigued Shiro and Curtis. As soon as Curtis pointed it out with evident interest Keith said rather casually, “That’s an old people cinema.”

They turned to Keith and realised that he had not meant to be rude. It was just his honest opinion.

Shiro was not surprised. Still he hid his chuckle and said a bit sternly, “You can’t be saying that aloud, Keith.”

Keith gave Shiro a demure look. “Sorry, I didn’t meant to be rude. I just said what I thought.”

Shiro turned back to the museum again. He wondered what Keith would do in the future as the black paladin. Surely Shiro would not be expected to lead them still? Even now it was hard enough to lead them from the Atlas. It was hard to lead both the Atlas, the MFEs and the paladins. Occasionally, Shiro would be required to lead Coalition soldiers as well, without Allura on board the mothership. Shiro has always appreciated and admired Allura’s leadership and now he knew why she often lost her temper on them and why she was so relieved to have Shiro take most of the burden of her work. Shiro was getting his headaches back and they were getting worse. If he could not see Keith taking his place as the leader of Voltron entirely on his own, then Shiro’s work would never be reduced.

Or perhaps he was overthinking again. Keith was still very new to this, and still very young. Shiro himself had fumbled a lot and had depended on the other paladins and especially Allura to aid him when he was first chosen to be the black paladin. Still, seeing Keith not living up to his expectations only made him want to resume his former role. A role that he would never have back.

“Let’s take a look,” Shiro said cheerfully.

Keith and Curtis glanced at each other and at him.

“You don’t have to punish him for that comment, you know,” Curtis told him.

Shiro frowned. “Why’s an alien art museum a punishment? I want to see what’s in there.”

“Shiro’s right,” Keith said frowning deeply as though they were in the middle of a battle. “This place could have some info about the planet.”

Shiro and Curtis shared a giggle behind Keith’s back.

While Shiro was not as quickly bored as Keith, he still could not find it as enthusiastically interesting as Curtis did. Instead, Shiro found Curtis’s wide-eyed curiosity at the sculptures and paintings and digital art pieces to be far more interesting than the museum itself. So he followed Curtis around listening to him compare the art work with what he knew about human art and unintentionally dragged Keith and Kosmo along with him.

Notes:

stay tuned for the rest of it :/ sorry about this. i'm just really bad at breaking this into chapter, it turns out.

anyway.
let me know what you think! also thanks so much for reading!

P. S. -- sorry about the lack of updates on the main fic though. i don't have much time to write these days. but i do think i'll write soon and i'll update right after that. thanks so much for your patience!!

Chapter 16: Chapter 16

Notes:

I'm so sorry i'm not updating the main fic i have no excuse. i have to get back to it.

continuing the chapter i hacked off with haggar's knife. here it is. enjoy.

At the cafe, a long time later, Keith was finally allowed to breathe a sigh of relief. Kosmo by then had disappeared and Keith had already given up on his notes a few minutes in. The mostly empty note sheet on his pad seemed to annoy Keith to no end and yet he did his best not to disappoint Shiro. Not knowing that Shiro, too, was equally disappointed with the museum.

“Did you like the paintings?” Curtis asked Shiro as he sipped his smoothie.

Shiro shared his little box of doughnuts with everyone. One smoothie and three doughnuts was all they could afford between them. Not only was the art disappointing, but the cafe was unaffordable as well. But Curtis seemed happy. “I did. I thought that was a screen, the sea monster one. It looked like a gif.”

“I know, right? But the colours were pretty off. The yellow was too bright. Didn’t bring out what the artist was trying to, I think.” Curtis nibbled at the doughnut. “This is terrible.” He laughed. Shiro smiled at him eagerly waiting for him to continue. He had not enjoyed the gallery but he did enjoy Curtis’s rants about them.

Keith sighed and stood up. “I’m gonna take a look at the menu.”

“Do you have money?” Shiro choked out. He could not afford anything else.

“I have money.” Keith did not even look back, taking the two steps up the menu on the chalk board right next to their table. Keith stretched and sighed and shook himself as though he was preparing for a run.

“Can I ask you something personal?” Curtis asked with what seemed like forced casualness.

Shiro was for a moment surprised that he could read Curtis so well. How long has it been since they met? They were already aware of each other so well. Shiro was relieved that he could still make friends, that he could still be close to people, especially such wonderful people like Curtis and Veronica, despite his social problems. After finding out about Adam, Shiro had thought that he was doomed forever. “Yeah sure.”

Curtis pushed him his drink and Shiro took a sip.

It did taste bad.

Shiro wanted to wail and sob hysterically. But he allowed himself only a tired sigh.

“I was wondering something…” Curtis paused. “I don’t want to upset you. Maybe we should talk about this later.”

Shiro looked up. “No, it’s OK. Now’s fine, too. Is everything OK?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah! Nothing’s wrong.” He laughed a bit uncomfortably and leaned back. “I’m just… I don’t know. Curious, I guess. You don’t have to answer. Like, at all.”

Shiro smiled gently and returned the drink after taking a couple of sips. “It’s all right, Curtis. You can tell me anything.”

He turned sharply at Shiro, his eyes calculating. “Well. It’s nothing big. I was just - I was just wondering how you feel about dating again.”

Shiro blinked in surprise. He was too surprised to be upset.

“I know you said that you don’t want to be with anyone else because you want to remain faithful to him…” Curtis paused again, and lowered his eyes looking ashamed. “You know what, never mind. This is none of my business.”

Shiro hesitated. Curtis was not wrong. It really was nobody’s business. But still Shiro sighed and shook his head. He did not know why. He assumed that he just liked Curtis. He wanted Curtis to know him and if Curtis had questions he wanted to answer them. “No, it’s all right, Curtis. I think I’m OK to talk it with you.”

Curtis looked up hopefully. “Thanks.” He nodded, relieved. “I… I was just wondering… Well, I was actually worried about you. When you said you want to remain faithful to Adam forever.”

Shiro chuckled, embarrassed. “I know. I was… I was upset when I said that.”

“It’s been a almost a year now. Do you still feel the same way?” Curtis leaned forward. His concerns seemed sincere.

Shiro smiled, already feeling warm. It was so easy to feel comforted around someone as reliable and kind as Curtis. “Well… I don’t know…” His smile lingered when he thought of Adam’s kisses and hugs, his smiles and laughter, how he walked across their quarters. And then it lowered into a frown. He looked away to hide his pain. “I don’t know… It’s not really a matter of remaining faithful to him. I think - I think you’re right. Adam’s very - he was very kind. And he always wanted the best for me. And it wouldn’t be the best for me to remain with him still. Even if it feels wrong. And… well… even if I date again, it wouldn’t change what I feel for him.” He sighed, glancing at Keith.

Keith, for some reason, was still very interested in the menu. What exactly was he doing?

“I think that’s what the problem is,” Shiro went on tiredly. “I don’t think it’s about me. It’s about the guy who’d want to date me. He… He wouldn’t like it if I was still hung over my ex, would he?”

Curtis frowned. “He’d be an asshole, Shiro. Adam didn’t just leave you. He… he died.”

“Yeah, but… Adam did leave me. He told me to get over him.” Shiro lowered his eyes. Had he meant it though? “I guess… I think it hurt him to say that, too. Veronica said he was hoping I’d come back. When Sam told him we survived.” He chewed his lip. “I just - I just wish I knew why Adam followed that order…” he whispered to himself. Arousing himself with a shake, Shiro turned to Curtis with a bright smile. “So, what I’m saying is, it’s not a matter of me remaining faithful to him. It’s more about… well, I’m not a very appealing boyfriend material, am I? Don’t answer that question. I don’t want to know.” He laughed at his own joke and then quickly stopped when Curtis frowned at him.

“Don’t demean yourself, Shiro,” Curtis scolded him. “You’re the Captain of the IGF-Atlas. The former black paladin. It’s embarrassing and silly.”

Shiro picked at his doughnut in shame.

“Sometimes you say the silliest things, you know? You have literal fan clubs. My sisters have toys and posters of you.”

Shiro started, flushing deeply. “What the fuck! You never told me that before!”

“Yeah, I know. It’s weird, that’s why.” He rolled his eyes. “This is very common, you know.”

Shiro shook his head, still reeling. He imagined his sisters, whom he barely knew from pictures and videos, and one accidental video chat, putting up posters of him in the house where Curtis returned to during his holidays. “That’s - that’s not - they’re - they don’t count. Firstly, the two people you mentioned are women --”

“I don’t think you’d ever want to date either of my sisters. You’re too fragile and gentle. They’ll eat you alive.”

Shiro paused, a little intimidated. Curtis always spoke of his sisters with annoyance but still managed to sound affectionate, and it confused Shiro, who has never grown up with cousins or siblings. Would they really eat him alive? “Yeah, well. I’m gay. And, secondly, they’re fans. They don’t count. They don’t know the first thing about me. I have so much baggage, Curtis.” He sighed, rolling his eyes and trying to sound exasperated as though he did not care about having a family.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as soon as it rose. Shiro had never had a proper family and always wanted to marry Adam and have a kid or two. Maybe get a cat. Build a family for himself. He had initially been satisfied with the paladins and the Alteans, and had sometimes felt the second head of the family after Allura. But now, without that position gone, too, Shiro realised his dreams of having a family should be put aside. It was just one of those many things the Galra had taken from him, the universe had already taken from him when it had given him the illness. He had lost his first chance at family the day he was diagnosed and and his second when the Galra took him. There was nothing to be done.

“I have… a lot of baggage,” Shiro repeated with a tight smile.

Curtis was not satisfied. “That’s fine, still, you know. A lot of people have baggage these days. I mean, sure, yours is unique. But it’s baggage nonetheless. You’re still human and it’s human shit. We could deal with that.”

Shiro snorted. “We?”

Curtis flushed this time. “Just saying. There’s no reason for you to feel you’re out of the game because you have PTSD and - and you’re disabled, or that you’ve got scars --”

“How do you know that? What the hell!” Shiro laughed, bewildered.

Curtis raised a brow. “You don’t?”

Shiro pursed his lips, his smile falling. “How do you know that?”

“I think I have a… vague idea of what happens in a gladiator pit.” He smiled gently.

Shiro looked away, scratching his nose. Although he knew Curtis had merely guessed that because of his work and because most people knew what a Galra slave ship is by then, Shiro could not help feeling slightly violated. He did not particularly want Curtis, of all people, to know about that. Despite all the desire of wanting to be seen and acknowledged by him, Shiro was also terrified of undesirable consequences of him finding out all that about Shiro. Perhaps that was why he was afraid -- because he wanted Curtis to see him. What if Curtis did not? What if Curtis saw him and did not like what he saw?

“So if it’s a matter on finding a guy who’d be willing to date you, then I’ll assure you, you big fucking idiot, anyone would. The question is finding someone you like.” Curtis patted his back. “Don’t sell yourself for cheap. You wouldn’t approve of this if anyone else said it, would you? If I did? Or Keith?”

“No, of course not.” Shiro frowned, glancing at Keith again. Why was he still reading the menu?

Curtis patted his back again. “But you’re right. You can’t just jump right back in.”

He scratched at his prosthetic, trying to rub away the perpetual numbness. “I don’t see myself trying to find someone. If it happens, I might go along with it. But I really don’t think I’ll be able to - I’ll be - I don’t think…” He paused.

Curtis nodded. “I understand.”

“Do you?” Shiro looked up curiously.

“Well. In some ways. Veronica tried to set me up with a couple of guys and it didn’t work. Because… I don’t want that. Not right now anyway.” He shrugged, smiling. “I don’t see myself finding a guy either. Like you said… If it happens… Well. Lucky me, then.” He chuckled, picking up his doughnut again.

“Why not?” Shiro frowned.

Curtis shook his head once more. “Hm… Just… I don’t - I don’t know. If it happens, it happens. I don’t want to - I don’t want…” He paused, flushing slightly. “If it happens…” He sighed heavily, almost wistfully. “…Lucky me, then.”

Shiro sat silently picking at his own doughnut and watched Curtis eat. Shiro decided not to press him on that, but did not stop himself from wondering what he meant by that. “I have to thank Veronica for introducing us,” he murmured and took the smoothie from Curtis’s hand.

Curtis started with surprise. “I should, too,” he said, his voice breaking. He looked embarrassed, his face turning a deeper shade of red. He clearly had something to say regarding that dating thing. Why else would he bring it up and then refuse to explain himself? He tugged at his collar and shifted uncomfortably. “I’m - I’m gonna be right back.”

“Where are you running off to?” Shiro asked anxiously.

“Just the, uh, toilet.” He stood up looking around intently. “Wonder where that is,” he murmured as he slowly stepped away from the table.

Shiro stared after him wondering if the alien doughnut was making him sick. It did look very alien with the slime on it and Curtis had tried to eat the rock-like inedible sprinkles that almost broke their teeth. “Call me if you need me,” he shouted.

“With what? I’m just going to the toilet,” he shouted back.

They both turned red, realising what he had just said and Curtis sprinted.

Shiro sat smiling after him, chuckling once more. A few minutes later, Keith joined him. “Where’s your snack, buddy?” Shiro asked, surprised.

“Didn’t like any of those stuff.” Keith shook his head. He took his share of the doughnut and took a large bite. “Curtis was right. This is bad.”

“It’s OK, I guess,” Shiro told him, not wanting to admit that he and Curtis have simply wasted their money.

Keith nodded and kept eating, his eyes on everything but Shiro.

Shiro watched him, wondering why he looked so uncomfortable. Did he feel unwelcome? Perhaps Shiro should have sent him back to the other paladins instead of bringing him over. He wondered why he had even suggested it and berated himself for it.

“Curtis seems like a nice guy,” Keith said suddenly. “What do you think?” He turned his finally on Shiro and this time with a piercing observant stare.

Shiro blinked with surprise. “He is. He’s a great guy.”

“You guys are friends, now, right?”

Shiro smiled, nodding. “Yeah, we’re pretty close these days, I guess.” He laughed, wondering if Curtis felt the same about him. “Why do you ask?”

Keith shrugged, biting his doughnut to hide his smile. “I like him. He’s nice.”

Shiro grinned fondly. Keith was very much like a cat. “Thanks, buddy.” Shiro nodded.

“I think he’s good for you, too.” He offered Shiro a gentle smile.

Shiro paused, confused and surprised. He still nodded, without knowing what Keith meant. Shiro assumed he only meant something nice. “Thanks, Keith.”

His eyes brightened and he shifted on his seat looking almost restless with delight. “And I think he’s right, too. About dating.”

Shiro raised a brow. He glanced at the menu and back at Keith. “So that’s what you were doing, huh? Eavesdropping?”

Keith flushed. “I was actually looking at the menu and didn’t like anything. But I wanted you guys to finish talking before I came back.”

“Uh-huh.” Shiro narrowed his eyes.

“He’s still right though.” He returned his gaze back at Shiro with an intent look in his eyes. “Even though - even though I have no right to advice you on this.” He lowered his eyes once more.

Shiro did not answer. He silently waited for Curtis and when he did, he wondered aloud if they should move on. Keith said that the two of them should continue no ahead, but he would rather return. The museum was too boring for him.

Shiro and Curtis walked out of the building alone, and still quite silent, with hardly many words spoken, they decided to move on together with their explorations.

Notes:

so....
sooooo..............
let me know what you think.

Chapter 17: Chapter 17

Notes:

ok i know this isn't strictly curtashi but it's still got some of it.
progress is somewhere between slow and non-existent for both fics so please bear with me. i'll update the main fic soon i promise. in the mean time enjoy curtashi. thanks.
enjoy

“Do you think Curtis likes someone?” Shiro whispered.

Veronica stiffed. She raised her eyes and looked around.

The room was mostly empty, the meeting being over. Iverson and Coran stood not too far away and Lance, Allura and Pidge were chatting near the door. The others, including Curtis himself, had left. Veronica had been sitting alone, finishing something on her pad, when Shiro slid into the chair beside her.

She gave Shiro a nervous glance and returned to her work. “Why do you think that?”

Shiro shook his head. “I don’t know. But I think he’s got his eye on someone. Or maybe someone’s asked him out or something. Has he said anything to you?”

Veronica shrugged. “Has he said anything to you?”

Shiro squinted his eyes suspiciously. The three of them, and occasionally even Iverson as well, were all very interested in gossip. And if there was a chance any one of them showed the first signs of a crush, he knew that the other two would lose their minds. And yet here was Veronica, sitting indifferently with the vaguest interest for Curtis’s potential partner. “No, not really. I guess it’s someone I know. Or else he’d have said something.”

“Could be.” She nodded, her eyes focused intently on her pad to the point that Shiro felt bad for bothering her. “Who do you think he is?”

“He?”

She glanced at him. “They.”

“Why do you think it’s a he?”

“He’s dated only one woman in his life. He prefers men. I thought you’d know that better than me.”

Shiro looked around, embarrassed. She was not wrong. “I wonder who it is.”

“Me, too.”

Shiro looked around. If it was someone he knew, then who? Could not be someone he was not good friends with, or else he would have been the first person Curtis would have spoken to. “What’s he told you?”

Veronica shook her head. “He never said anything about a guy who’s on his eyes on him.”

“Any guy then. Maybe he mentioned it in passing and we didn’t think anything of it,” Shiro insisted.

Veronica took off her glasses and glanced at him, her eyes not focusing properly on his. “Why, are you jealous?”

Shiro blinked, and then frowned. “What? Why would I be jealous?”

She shrugged, busy with cleaning her glasses. She looked around and watched the others emptying the room. Lance and Allura waved at them and they waved back. “You’re two peas in a pod. You sometimes even forget about me.”

Shiro started. “Veronica!” he gasped, horrified. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t - I didn’t realise I was - we were --”

“Tch. No, that’s not what I’m saying. It’s fine. I’ve got other friends, too.” She returned to her work. Shiro discovered that she was still on the same page and had done nothing since their conversation had started. “I’m just saying. If he gets into a relationship you’ll feel abandoned, won’t you?” She shrugged again.

“Would I?” Shiro paused, frowning. “No, why would I? I’ll be happy for him. He’s a great guy. He deserves the best.”

She turned to him finally, and squinted at him. “You won’t mind?”

Shiro snorted, confused. “No! Why would I mind? I’d be happy for him! Why do you think I won’t? Did I do something? Do I - Am I - Do you think I should leave him alone more? We do hang out a lot.” Shiro turned away thoughtfully. It would certainly be heartbreaking to spend less time with Curtis. Suddenly Shiro knew what Veronica meant. Shiro realised that he would feel quite abandoned and rejected once Curtis found someone. Shiro hoped it was someone worth the loss. If they broke his heart, Shiro promised himself he would personally scare them till they shit themselves.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Veronica told him quickly. “You know what? Don’t listen to me.”

Shiro watched her gather her files and sort out her pad. “Has he told you anything?”

Veronica shook her head distractedly, leaning further over the pad and frowning deeper as if confused and irritated with what she found in it.

“He has, hasn’t he? Did he tell you not to tell me or did he tell you not to tell anyone?”

Veronica, for a moment, seemed ready to continue lying. Then she shut her eyes and sighed tiredly. “I don’t know if I should answer that question,” she told him apologetically.

Shiro nodded quickly. “That’s all right. I understand.” He leaned back and turned to the large screen on the wall. It still had the maps on it that Coran had brought. Shiro would need to study them once more after he turned to his office. There was just too many new things happening all over the universe ever since Zarkon fell, and now without Lotor and even Haggar remaining strangely silent, too much was happening all at once.

Veronica was glancing at him every now and then, trying to remain discreet.

Shiro tried not to think about what she had just said but could not help it. Curtis has told Veronica of his crush -- or whatever this person was to him -- and has not uttered anything to Shiro. Had Shiro assumed wrong? Perhaps it was silly to think that Curtis was suddenly such a close friend to Shiro. Just because Shiro felt that way did not have to mean that Curtis felt the same. After all, Shiro was the friendless one. Curtis was normal, and he has so many friends. Not to mention, he did not have the baggage -- or at least, the same sort as Shiro’s -- and he could bring himself to talk to others about himself without slamming his head onto a wall out of sheer guilt.

Perhaps it was too much for Shiro to expect so much from Curtis. Certainly. It must be so.

Perhaps they really were not the best friends that Shiro had been fantasizing they were. No, Shiro was simply lonely and he has only decided to latch onto Curtis for lack of personal connections with other people. And Curtis, being that incredibly kind man, had not refused.

Perhaps it would be inappropriate to continue to gush out all his secrets to Curtis from here on. Now that Shiro knew where he stood with Curtis, perhaps he should not open up to Curtis so much and overburden him. He has no intention of overwhelming a single friend with all the things that Shiro wanted to talk about. No one deserved that, least of all someone Shiro cared so much about. And this new revelation only evidenced that further, that Shiro was burdening Curtis too much.

Of all his confidence about knowing Curtis so well, Shiro really did not know him much.

But this is good. It was good that Shiro had brought it up with Veronica. Now that he knew better, he would behave more appropriately and not push Curtis too much. He felt stupid and hurt, but on the other hand, he felt better knowing the truth.

Veronica, who had been watching him for the last couple of minutes, gathered her things and finally leaned back to turn to Shiro fully. “Has he told you anything?” she asked curiously.

Shiro shook his head, expertly hiding himself behind the well cultivated mask. “No, he didn’t.” He had the urge to ask her to make sure he was OK, that if he really had feelings for someone, she should make sure that he did not get hurt. But was it really his place anymore to make such demands? Surely, Veronica, who probably was as good a friend to Curtis if not better, has already thought of that. Besides, Shiro would eventually hunt down this guy like a Galra scum if he needed to.

“Are you sure you’re not jealous?” she asked, squinting.

Shiro hesitated. Was this jealousy? How silly of him, then. “No, of course not. I’m just worried about him.”

She looked away, chewing her lip for a moment. She tapped the desk and then said, quite cautiously, “Will you be happy for him if he got into a relationship with this guy?”

Shiro raised a brow. “Of course I’ll be happy for him, Veronica,” he said, slightly offended. He let out a bewildered laugh. “Why’re you asking me that?”

She shrugged, shaking her head. “Cause you two are - you’re so close. You’re like, you’re like brothers, you know?” She laughed loudly. “Yeah, you’re like brothers!”

Shiro frowned. Did they? Had he misunderstood then? “I guess so. Thanks.”

Veronica leaned forward and placed her chin on his hand and rested her elbow on the desk. She watched him with a grin.

“What?” Shiro frowned deeper.

Veronica turned away, shaking her head again. “Anyway,” she muttered, fighting against her grin. “What about you?”

“What about me?” He was already annoyed that she was diverting.

“Do you have a guy?”

“A guy? A guy?!” Shiro leaned forward, indignant.

She shrugged. “Sure. You’re a guy. And you date men. Do you date women?”

“No,” he said sternly. He looked around the empty room and stood up. “I don’t have time for this,” he murmured.

Veronica grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the chair.

“We have to get back to work,” Shiro reminded her. “We’re not on break.”

“So there is someone, then?” She grinned.

Shiro glowered at her. “I have a dead fiance, if you don’t remember.”

Veronica flinched visibly and shrunk away from him. “I’m sorry.” She seemed very sorry, too.

Shiro sighed, rubbing his eyes with a chest full of regret. “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

“No, you’re right. I shouldn’t be bringing up dating with you just like that.” She turned back to her pad again and started tapping away. She even looked ashamed.

“It’s not Adam,” Shiro admitted finally with a heavy sigh. “It’s not him.”

Veronica looked up, no longer as curious as she had appeared.

“I’m just… I’ve got a job, you know? A job that requires more than the old pilot job I had.” Shiro sighed, rubbing his face. “I don’t have time for this.”

Veronica straightened. “Is that it?”

Shiro threw her a frown. “No, of course not.” He worked his mouth trying to find the words. It had been so much easier to talk to Curtis. “I’ve got issues. If it wasn’t obvious.” He waved his right hand and pointed at the scar and the white hair with it. “I don’t see anyone wanting to be with me after they go through my list of issues. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to meet anyone like that. Anyone - anyone outside work.”

“What’s wrong with the people from work?”

Shiro scratched his cheek. “I don’t know. Nothing. I just… I don’t know. It’s not like I’m not going to get a dating app and start looking for eligible men, am I? I just - I don’t know… I’ve got - I don’t… I don’t know…” He stopped, frowning. How should he explain that he was not worth the trouble? That he was too tired to go through the whole process of waiting to have his heart broken again? What would Adam think? Of him, today, right now, shrinking into himself to the point that it was normal for him to not even look at other men? He did not want to sound silly. “Curtis said you tried to set him up with guys,” he said quickly.

Veronica did not answer immediately. She watched him for a few seconds with a small frown, then finally nodded slowly. “He didn’t like it. He’s not interested in dating.”

Shiro nodded. “He told me. He said if he happens to trip and fall into someone’s loving arms, he’d consider himself lucky. But he was not interested in looking for someone.” He shrugged slightly irritably. Curtis deserved someone to love him. It frustrated Shiro that Curtis had no one to show him that cuddling all day was not as bad he thought it was. It annoyed him so much sometimes that he often considered smothering Curtis till he changed his mind. But strangling a friend and being held gently by a lover were not the same thing.

Veronica laughed. “You said the same thing, didn’t you?”

Shiro turned to her with a scowl. “So he told you about that, huh.”

Her face slackened. “Wh - N - What are you --”

“He did!” Shiro hissed. He huffed, turning away. “Well. Not that I can tell him not to, I guess.”

Veronica looked even more irritated than him. “You two are quite something, you know that?” She shook her head and stood up. “Do what you want. I don’t want anything to do with either of you morons.”

“What did I do?!” he demanded, shocked.

She turned to him, scowling harder than him. “If you like someone, Shiro, just tell him, OK? Don’t wait till it’s too late. You don’t want to miss the one chance at happiness. Life’s a bitch anyway. That’s not going to go away. But that can’t keep us from doing what we want.”

Shiro gaped at her.

“Least of all, you,” she went on, still furious. “You’ve seen what death is. From various different angles and perspectives. You don’t need a class on something like that. Then why the fuck would you ever not want to admit your feelings for someone? If you have even a little chance, then go for it!”

“I didn’t say I have feelings for someone!” Shiro told her hastily.

Veronica blinked and then huffed louder than Shiro had. “I don’t know why I bother with either of you. It’s not like you’d listen. You two are a different class of idiots.”

“Veronica!” Shiro slumped. “We’re your friends!”

She glowered back. “That’s why I’m telling you. Tell Curtis I said this. Tell him I said you and him are the stupidest friends I have. And I love you two more than I love any of my other friends. That’s why I’m mad!”

Shiro’s throat squeezed shut and he had to choke back the wail that built up within his chest. “You really feel that way?” he asked hoarsely.

Veronica stared at him for a moment then turned around and left, ignoring his calls for her to wait.

Shiro smiled after her. He rubbed his eyes, not wanting to cry although they remained painfully dry still. “I love you, too,” he murmured as he picked up his things and followed after her.

 

Notes:

veronica and her boys

let me know what you think. thanks for reading.

Chapter 18: Chapter 18

Notes:

Who ordered some uhhh * checks note * Shiro angst? Shiro angst? Anyone?

well. you've got shiro angst today. enjoy.

Shiro awoke with a start, his eyes wide and frantic as he looked around the darkened room. For a moment he had thought he had escaped, that he had started a war against the Galra and had killed Emperor Zarkon. But of course that must have been just a dream. Voltron, Allura, Earth, all of it was a dream. And then Adam had died fighting them.

It did not occur to him how Adam could have died fighting the Galra if there was no war against the Galra, if Shiro had never escaped the prison, and if Sam had not been saved and sent back to Earth.

Instead, he had other concerns. The prison, despite the long hours -- or, who knows, perhaps even days; Shiro had no way of telling -- of inactivity, required Shiro’s full and constant attention to detail. All prisoners were always looking for a hint, a word, a footstep, a grunt even, to foresee what new or old horror awaited them. It did nothing to know, but one could not help it.

So as soon as Shiro awoke, he instantly brushed away the thoughts of Adam, Voltron and Earth and instead focused on the sounds surrounding him. Initially it had been hard to hear anything over the screams and howls and wails, but now his ears were learning to get accustomed. And now, Shiro heard the sentries and nothing else. Nothing to give him a sign of what had happened or will happen, to him or anyone around him.

Shiro drew in a breath and instantly started coughing. Something felt lodged in his throat. Shiro remembered this happening back when he was at the prison and his heart began racing. And yet, right now, he could not remember what it was that followed. Just the dread that never left him.

Turning his back to the door, he tried to suppress his cough. If they found him sick, it would be the death of him. The last time -- or maybe it had happened more than once, he did not know -- Shiro had been lucky.

He wondered what had made him sick. Must be the leak next to the toilet. It left the room damp and cold and living here was enough to give someone pneumonia. Perhaps Shiro would die of the leak, of sickness, instead of the experimentation chambers or even the arena.

Unable to resist coughing, he pressed his right hand on his mouth and instantly leaped up in terror. Something cold and hard had touched his face. Someone was in here with him. But from the dim light that filtered in through the hallway, Shiro could see no one. Just the dark familiar smudge not too far from his feet. But it should not be familiar. There was something lying on the smudge, like a dead little creature.

Shiro brought his hand to his face again, to make sure whatever had touched him had not done something to him, and saw something dark before him instead of his hand.

But no, it was his hand. From the middle of his forearm, just below the elbow, to the tips of his fingers, it was dark with purple knuckles. It made a noise when it moved. It was not just attached to his arm, it was his arm.

What used to be there in its place, lay like a dark alien creature at his feet on the smudge on the cell floor.

Shiro scrambled back in an attempt to get away from both the thing on the floor and the purple hand but his back hit the wall. And the cell began to close in. The thing appeared closer and closer until Shiro joined the choir of the other prisoners.

As soon as he started screaming, the prosthetic changed and it was up to his elbow now. The flesh around it swollen and red, almost black. In some places, it was white. He could see the throbbing veins under his skin. The prosthetic had not worked. His arm was limp. They had sent him to the arena with that thing and he had barely survived with terrible injuries, and now they had brought him here instead of the cryopod.

They were punishing him. What had he done? What had he done wrong? He knew he had done something wrong. They werer punishing him, after all. But what? Had he said something? Had he done something? He had even killed the gladiator they had sent with him to show his loyalty. Should he have not done that? But they liked it when he killed his mates. Then what? Were the guests not impressed with him?

Shiro tried to remember as far back as he could but his memory failed him. He remembered having attacked some scientists once. Was the punishment for that? Again? They had punished him several times since then. Was it to continue?

Shiro started to cry, harder and louder till he was wailing and screaming. He tried to scream louder than the others around him till his throat hurt.

The door opened suddenly and Haggar walked in. Her eyes almost glowing with rage and disgust. Shiro must have really done something wrong.

Leaning onto his knees and the one hand that still worked, he lowered his sobs into whimpers.

No one would come to save him. Adam was dead. The paladins did not need him to lead them anymore. Earth would be fine without him. The Garrison did not need him anymore.

He remembered his grandfather running down the lawn to pick him up and hug him when he had bruised his knee after tripping over a stone. But he was not so sure that had really happened. Did he really ever have a grandfather? Was he really that kind and loving? Was anyone kind and loving anymore? Or ever?

All that mattered was that Haggar cared for him. She had saved him once before, many times in fact. From the arena, from the illness, from the hand that was becoming more and more useless without medication.

If anyone cared, it was Haggar.

Shiro cradled his injured hand and showed it to her. “I’m sorry,” he pleaded. “Please. I can fight. I’ll fight. I’m sorry.”

For a moment, he was terrified that she was bored with him now. That she was no longer interested. And then she smiled. That cruel curl of the lips was the kindest smile Shiro had ever seen and he sighed with relief.

 

 

 

And then he finally awoke. Beyond the glass, stood Allura. And when she smiled, it was nothing like Haggar’s smile. It was kind. What Shiro had, in his nightmare, believed to be kindness, had been something else entirely.

Shiro raised his hand and saw the hand she had given him and smiled as well with relief, true relief.

He had been saved. Allura had saved him. So many times and in so many ways. He would die all over for her, as many times as she needed him to.

At that moment, there was nothing in this universe that Shiro loved more than her. His friend. His princess. His family.

Notes:

heh

who else can relate to liking their abusers because they had no one else during that period? heh heh heh

Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Notes:

again another chapter dissected carelessly. i'm sorry.
i've been very busy these days although i'm not sure with what. i havent had work for like 2 3 days and still i've barely had time to do anything. which is why i havent responded to the comments. *looks at standbi_peasant07* thanks for reading though. and commenting. seriously. you have no idea how much i appreciate this. it literally keeps me from giving up on these fics. thanks so much. ;-;

but we have curtis!
enjoy!

Shiro had just changed his clothes, from the cryopod suit to his uniform, finished hugging his friends, all the paladins and Coran, had some water and a couple of biscuits that had been shoved into his mouth by Coran, when Veronica arrived.

Shiro still had been thinking about Allura, wishing he could tell her in detail how much he loved her and how he was grateful to her without having to explain to her what Haggar had done. He was a little disappointed at being interrupted, but still grateful to see her. She was as good a friend as any. And more importantly, she was someone Shiro might someday be able to talk to about this very memory.

He smiled when he saw her and Veronica smiled as well. “Good to see you,” he said quietly. “Are you OK?”

Her smile tightened. “I should be asking you that. You look pale. Well. Paler than usual. That those eye bags are actually noticeable.” She pointed at his face. “You need to get something in you.”

Shiro chuckled, gathering his clothes. Veronica quickly took them from him and started putting them in the bag. “I can do it,” he said.

She ignored him. “You can’t be careless, Shiro,” she told him. “You’ve got people waiting for you to come back.” She paused and then looked up at him pleadingly. “You can’t do this again. I’m begging you.”

Shiro was not irritated, as he had expected himself to be. He felt guilty instead, for having scared her. “Veronica…”

“I don’t think I can deal with another dead friend.” She lowered her eyes and zipped up the bag for him. “I’ll take this to the laundry. You need to see Curtis. He’s losing his mind.”

Shiro winced. He imagined Curtis’s quiet anger and it sent a shiver down his back. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to worry you guys.”

“No, you never mean to do anything, do you?” Veronica turned to him sharply. “Your team doesn’t scold you because they think you’re invincible and sometimes I feel as though you believe that as well. Well!” She shrugged exaggeratedly, her eyes wet and lips trembled. She was furious. “You died. If you remember. And the Black Lion won’t save you again. If you’re right, then as much as it hurts, Shiro, the Black Lion isn’t going to save you.” She wiped her nose and tried to fight back her tears.

Shiro hung his head shamefully. “I’m sorry.”

“That means nothing if you don’t fix your ways.” She paused, even more angry. “If you go back on your word, I’ll know that I never meant anything to you.”

Shiro looked up, wide eyed. “Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be more careful.”

Veronica sighed, rubbing her eyes under her glasses. “You’re in for big trouble, you know. Curtis is pissed.”

“Where is he?” Shiro asked, swallowing thickly. Curtis would not even have to say anything. He would just have to look at Shiro, and Shiro would start crying. He could foresee that. Somehow this felt as bad as waiting for the arena in his cell.

“He’s - he’s here somewhere. They needed him at the bridge, and he said he was going to look at the MFE pilots. You wait at his office. I’ll send him.” She raised the bag and said, “I’ll take this.”

“I need to shower,” he told Veronica frantically. He did not want Curtis to see him dirty like this. He did not know why. But perhaps he hoped that a good impression might smooth the creases on Curtis’s forehead. That was highly unlikely.

“You need to find Curtis immediately. You’re already late.” She ushered him out and attempted to follow him to make sure he went to his destination without getting distracted but Shiro begged her not to.

At Curtis’s office, Shiro hesitated to slip in with the guest code Curtis had given him. Shiro had been registered to enter his office without needing Curtis to let him in. But Shiro had never actually entered his office without him before.

Not wanting to anger him any further he decided to do what he was told and tapped in the code.

Inside, Shiro felt as though he had entered an empty home. His own home, but without the people in it. How many times had he sat right there on the couch or even laid down? Sometimes Curtis had left him there to work at his desk and Shiro had worked on the couch.

Once, after returning from the week on that planet for the little vacation, Shiro had allowed himself to fall asleep. Curtis had already seen him sleep and had not said anything about being a nuisance. Feeling bolder, Shiro had allowed himself to doze off. And he had woken up with a blanket on his him and a glass of water before him. Curtis had been in the toilet just then, and then too Shiro had felt the same as he did right now.

Feeling even more comfortable than he had back then when he had fallen asleep, Shiro walked up to the filter and poured himself a glass of water. While waiting, he started looking for food and found only some fruits and a few cups of yogurt. He needed something more fulfilling.

As he sighed with disappointed, contemplating whether he should run to the canteen for a moment, Curtis finally returned.

He rushed in wide eyed, lips parted, and looked ready to tackle Shiro.

Shiro quickly shoved the half opened cup of yogurt and shut the freezer door behind him, standing in attention.

Curtis ran his eyes all over him, looking frantic. “Are you all right now?”

“I’m fine.” Shiro nodded, stiffening further. He felt even worse seeing Curtis worry.

Curtis peered behind Shiro. “What were you doing?”

“Nothing.”

He frowned, suddenly furious. He did not shout or scold when he was angry. Just stood frowning at Shiro quietly.

“I was… looking for something to eat,” Shiro muttered, lowering his eyes. “I thought I’d steal the yogurt.”

“You don’t have to steal it, Shiro, it’s yours. Take the fruits.” Curtis rushed to the cupboard behind Shiro and took out a paper bag. He produced a sandwich from it and handed it to Shiro. “I was saving this for you. I told Veronica to send you here. Why didn’t you look for food here?”

Shiro shifted on his feet again. “It’s your cupboard. I didn’t want to take things without asking you.”

“Shiro, you can food from my cupboard without asking me.” He sighed tiredly. “Here. Eat.”

Shiro took it gratefully.

“Sit.” Curtis almost shoved him onto the couch. He rushed around, still frantic, and brought more water for Shiro to drink. “What do you need?” Without waiting for an answer, he leaned over and sniffed him. “You can use this shower. I’ll get some clothes for you. I’ll - I’ll need permission to get into your room, though. Maybe I could borrow something from the gym. Do you need to lie down? Do you want to sit somewhere else? Are you comfortable?”

Shiro giggled like a schoolboy. “I’m fine.”

Curtis looked even more concerned. “Did they look at your head? Does your head hurt?”

Shiro was laughing now. “No, no, I just left the cryopod. I’m fine. I’m sorry.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Shiro chuckled and stuffed his mouth hungrily. Curtis watched him silently, with a little frown, but did not start just yet.

Not yet.

 

Notes:

let me know what you think. also, if anyone's still reading the adashi fic, new chapter alert! thanks for reading. :)

Chapter 20: Chapter 20

Notes:

here it is.

i still have no time.

enjoy.

Curtis waited till he was done eating, both the sandwich and the cup of yogurt with promises of bringing him warm food, and finally launched his attack.

“How could you be so careless?” he said, gently, quietly. It rattled Shiro to his core. “You ran right in there! Without a listening to a word of advice from the others --”

“I’m fine, Curtis, look at me.” Shiro gestured at himself.

Curtis paused, leaning back and crossing his legs. He crossed his arms as well and frowned deeper at Shiro. Shiro sat facing him and experienced the full onslaught of Curtis’s calm fury. “Do you have idea what’ll happen to us if you were injured too badly? The paladins can’t function without you and the Atlas would’ve been in chaos. I understand your friends panicking over you dying again isn’t on your list of priorities, but have some sense of responsibility towards your crew.”

Shiro shook his head, frowning as well. “You’re underestimating me. I’ve been through so much worse. This was just a little scratch.”

“Shiro, you had to go through surgery.” Curtis shut his eyes and drew in a deep breath.

Shiro winced. “That’s because the wound had some complications and wouldn’t heal properly without a bit of tweaking. That doesn’t mean I was incapacitated. I’ve fought with fatal wounds hundreds of times before. I can --”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Curtis seemed to be shaking, his eyes wide and brows knitted tightly. Shiro had never seen him so angry. “Or maybe you don’t care. I can’t tell sometimes. It feels like you don’t care whether you die or not.”

Shiro frowned, offended. “I’m not suicidal.”

“You don’t seem to act like it. Putting yourself in danger like that --”

“Curtis --”

“Don’t.” He crossed his other leg and rubbed his face. He picked up the glass of water and took a small sip.

“I’m sorry.”

“I said… Don’t.” Curtis looked around the room, scowling.

Shiro waited till Curtis had calmed down enough to speak. Shiro hunched over in shame and regret. Perhaps he really had been a bit too careless. He had never imagined Curtis could be this furious, let alone him being the subject of such anger.

“I’m not going to have you risk your life like that. I’m not.” Curtis turned to gaze at him with his pursed tightly. “I’m just not going to deal with that. So you can tell me if I matter enough to you for that.”

The sense of deja vu sent his heart racing.

“I’m not saying you should do anything differently,” Curtis went on. “Just that you don’t try to get yourself killed. If you think you’re really as invincible the universe thinks you are, then you’re deluded and I’m willing to help you through that. But you need to tell me. If you tell me to fuck off, then I’ll take that, too. You don’t have to doubt my loyalty and service to you at work. I’ll do exactly as I have been until now.”

“Curtis…”

“I need you to understand what you’re doing and I need you to talk to me.”

For a moment Shiro thought the sandwich and the yogurt would come out onto Curtis’s table. He had to take a few moments to compose himself so that he did not actually vomit. “I understand,” he breathed.

Curtis did not answer immediately. “What do you understand?”

“I shouldn’t have gone on ahead alone when everyone told me I didn’t have to,” Shiro murmured, his eyes low. “I don’t regret anything I’ve done to save Wu and Kowalska and I would do that again any day. But I agree that I should’ve waited for backup before taking on the Galra myself. I didn’t want Wu and Kowalska to get hurt and I thought I could save everyone some time and not get anyone else hurt along with them. It was reckless. You’re right.”

Curtis remained silent, watching him and waiting. He wanted Shiro to admit more than just that. He wanted Shiro to talk about what had led him to make that decision, a decision where he had put himself in danger when he did not strictly have to.

“I… Veronica said the same thing but, uh, a lot less…” he muttered, his voice even lower.

“A lot less?”

Shiro clenched and unclenched his fists anxiously. “She didn’t give me an ultimatum of any sort.”

“Uh-huh.” Curtis paused, and watched him calmly for a moment. Perhaps to an outsider he would appear only mildly annoyed, but Shiro could see him seething and trembling in fury. “She will, I imagine. When this goes on. If you continue to value your friendships so little, you’re going to lose friends. That’s inevitable.”

“You don’t hold back, do you?” Shiro muttered.

His eyes narrowed. Shiro has really crossed him today. “We’ve both tried holding back, and so has Iverson and the Holts, but for some reason you don’t know how to take hints sometimes.” Curtis rubbed his eyes again. “What’s your answer?”

Shiro grit his teeth for a moment and drew in a deep breath. He struggled to find the words that could articulate his helplessness against habit and conditioning, everything he has developed at the prison -- the things that kept him and his team alive until now.

“Curtis, I… I’m sorry… I swear - I swear, that… that I…” Shiro clenched his fists, suddenly aware of what Haggar had done, how he had felt under her care.

Shiro had a choice. Again.

But this was different. He was not choosing himself over someone else. At least, he did not have to pick himself over his friend. Not this time.

“I try, you know? I just… I… I - I… You’re right… I need to - I don’t - I don’t see it like that. I just… don’t want to fail. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Not when I’m there. I’d rather I got hurt instead of anyone else. I don’t want to do a half-assed job and get us killed. I don’t want to - I don’t want people to die or - or get hurt because of me. God knows I’ve killed enough people, god knows I’ve done that sometimes even willingly, more than I was told to.” Shiro kept his eyes on anything but Curtis. He was too full of shame, although he was not sure of what. He did not believe that it was his fault that he was forced to become this, and he was not ashamed to help others. He found nothing more fulfilling than undoing what Haggar had done, and that too by doing the exact opposite. But there was undeniable shame filling him to the brim.

Curtis spoke only he was sure that Shiro would not continue. “You need to stop comparing that with reality, Shiro.” He leaned forward desperately. “What happened at the prison, none of that’s your fault. That’s hardly even reality. That was Haggar’s personally constructed hell for her crazy pastime. The rest of the world isn’t like that. That’s not normal. You had literally no control over what you did and happened to you or any of the prisoners.”

Shiro remained silent.

“You don’t have to push yourself out of guilt. You have enough reasons to fight. Like the rest of us. Maybe you could fight for the reason the universe thinks you do --”

“And what’s that?”

“Them. Everyone.”

Shiro snorted. “Well. There’s that.”

“Yes. I know that’s the main reason you fight. But if it seems a bit too much sometimes then just fight for us. The paladins, or Veronica and me. For the Atlas. For Earth. For - for the prisoners who didn’t make it, and those who did and are as fucked up as you are today.”

Shiro looked up at him.

“But why guilt? You make bad decisions when you fight for guilt. Why something as horrible as that when you’ve got so much to fight for?”

Shiro looked away again. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to put you guys through so much.”

“We’re not asking for much, you know. Just that you come home safe. That - that we know - that we can trust you to come home. At all.”

Shiro nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind. But I can’t promise that I won’t get hurt.” Shiro frowned at him.

“I know. I won’t ask for that. I know that. The universe either wants you dead or to fight till death. Either way, it’s dangerous and your safety can’t be guaranteed. I’m not saying that. No one is.” Curtis pushed the glass of water towards him and Shiro took it gratefully.

“I need you to… bear with me, Curtis,” Shiro whispered, holding the empty glass in his hands. “This is the best I can give. I can work to be better, but that’s all I can promise. I can’t be normal.”

Curtis stood up, nodding. He sighed heavily. “I know… I know, Shiro. I’m not asking for normalcy. I never would. If you can promise that you’ll not try to put yourself in danger unless you absolutely have to then I’ll forgive you.”

Shiro gazed up at him. Curtis seemed sincere. After everything Shiro has ever been through, despite his horrible luck, his friends have always been absolutely wonderful people. In that regard, Shiro decided, the universe has gifted him with more good luck than could ever begin to deserve. He smiled, nodding. “I can promise that I’ll do my best. With some help.”

Curtis nodded, sighing. He shut his eyes for a moment and visibly relaxed. “All right. You’re forgiven.”

Chuckling, Shiro stood up as well. “Thanks.”

“Why’d you get up? Sit down.” Curtis frowned, angry once more.

Shiro hesitated for a moment, Curtis’s tone scaring him. But then decided to go forward anyway. Stepped up to him, Shiro put his arms around Curtis. Curtis stiffened, but only for a moment. He quickly hugged Shiro back. “Thanks for being here,” Shiro told him. “I had a flashback I think,” he muttered. “And felt like shit.”

“Why didn’t you start with that?!” Curtis hissed, holding him tighter.

It did not feel like they were hugging for the first time. Even Curtis, who did not do hugs a lot, did not seem to be uncomfortable. At all, in fact. “You were mad,” Shiro grumbled timidly.

“Tch. I’m not going to be mad when you want to talk about a flashback. Tch. Don’t do that next time.” He sighed heavily. “Are you OK now?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Sorry about the hug.”

“No, it’s fine. Hug me any time. I like it.”

Shiro’s eyes widened but he did not pull away. He almost trembled with delight. Shiro thought about how he had felt when he had been with Haggar and gripped Curtis tighter, and Curtis too responded, rubbing his back and tightening his hold even further. It was the most natural thing to do, to hug Curtis.

And he felt warm, and much softer than Shiro had assumed. Shiro felt he could pick Curtis up and… And what? He just wanted to pick him up, that was it. He wanted to pick up Curtis and hold him tighter than was physically possible. His shoulder was warm against Shiro’s cheek and he smelled sweet. A little bit of the cologne that he always used. And then there was the smell of strawberries for some reason. Shampoo or lotion perhaps. He never wanted to let go. “You don’t actually mind hugs, do you, huh?” Shiro asked softly, his muscles loosening.

“Do you want to eat something?”

“Curtis, you don’t actually mind hugs, do you?”

“I’ll need to warm up the water for the shower.”

“Or is it just me? You don’t mind hugging me?”

Curtis pulled away and without looking at him went straight into the bathroom. “I’ll just warm up the water,” he murmured as he left.

Shiro beamed. “Am I special? Am I really special? Curtis?” He followed Curtis into the bathroom. “Is that what it is? Is that why you didn’t mind a hug from me? Cause I’m special? Am I special?”

“You’re a child. Get in the shower.”

“I am, aren’t I? I know for a fact you don’t like hugs so much. Right, Curtis? Curtis? Hey. Hey! No, don’t shut the door!”

“I’m getting you dinner.”

“No, don’t leave! Tell me!”

“Don’t waste hot water.”

Notes:

hope this clears up the confusions from the previous chapter. i made some edits after reread the two chapters together a few times and if it needs a few more improvements let me know again. that really helped! i'll go back and fix it however i can.

thanks so much for reading and commenting and helping me with this fic. it honestly is the best thing in the universe. thanks so much. ;-; you guys are the best.

Chapter 21: Chapter 21

Notes:

I'm kinda worried that i might give up on the adashi fic so i think i'll take a short break from this fic. idk. maybe that might get me back to writing the main fic. if it doesnt i'll ... idk what i'll do.
anyway. just letting y'all know. if i don't upload for a while it'll be cause i'm struggling with the main fic and beating my head against a wall and not because i've given up on this one. hah. hahah.

anyway. here's some ... more... stuff.
enjoy

 

“This was a mistake,” Curtis said, his voice a little scratchy in Shiro’s helmet.

These Earth helmets still needed upgrading in his opinion, to match the quality of most alien technology. But right now, his focus was on the path he had chosen. Veronica had told them that the base was entirely underground, but he had doubted it. From the looks of it, some of it had to be out on the surface. Then it turned out that the Galra had been using a base on the moon, mostly hidden from view and radars behind the planet’s magnetic pull.

With the MFEs on the planet, continuing the rescue operations and the paladins off on a different mission, Shiro had decided to take a look himself. It was safer if he went, he had said, over the protests of everyone present.

“If anything happens to you,” Iverson hissed furiously, “we’ll be left completely vulnerable. I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you how important it is for the leader to be present and conscious during an ongoing mission.”

“You don’t,” Shiro had told him firmly, even a little irritably. “But the paladins are not here. If they were, I’d have sent them. It has to be someone experienced. So I’ll go. I don’t trust anyone more than myself to handle a situation like this. I’ve infiltrated enough Galra bases to know how to handle this situation.”

It had been Coran’s suggestion not to send him alone, and Veronica had elected herself and Iverson.

Shiro had refused. “Iverson will be staying here on the bridge and will be working with Coran to keep the mission running smoothly.”

“Axca, then,” she suggested.

“Absolutely not,” Iverson growled. “I still don’t trust her and we’re definitely not sending her when there’s only two of you. If there were more, I’d have considered. But this is out of the question.”

“I trust Axca,” Shiro had said and ignored Iverson’s fury. “But he’s not wrong. There’s going to be just the two of us. And since we’ve already defeated the Galra here and know for a fact that place is almost entirely empty except maybe for sentries, then we don’t exactly need a lot of people from the outside. I can handle whoever shows up. What we need is someone good with Galra technology.”

“And someone from the bridge.” Iverson turned to Coran.

“We’re not taking Coran, Iverson,” Shiro told him firmly.

“I vote for Curtis,” Veronica said.

Curtis had refused but since there was hardly any other issue with bringing him besides him being distressed, and since everyone had immense faith on him fulfilling his mission regardless the situation, he did not have much to argue with. But Curtis had never really felt safe wandering into a mission that required ground work.

“I’m not a soldier,” he continued. “This was really a mistake.”

“Veronica doesn’t make mistakes,” Shiro told him.

“Yeah, I don’t make mistakes.”

“You chose your first mistake to be this.” Curtis sounded as though he was only mildly inconvenienced. But Shiro was sure that he was terrified. But, just like Hunk, he also knew that Curtis was being his bravest self today.

“We’ll be done soon,” Shiro assured him casually.

Curtis only sighed.

“What’s that?” Veronica asked suddenly. “Do you feel that? The ground?”

“You feel that, too?” Curtis asked, surprised. “The ground feels funny. Something’s wrong. It’s too dark to see but it has a funny colour, too. See?”

“I see it,” Shiro said, glancing at the floor. It appeared discoloured. “It’s blood,” he told them and stopped moving.

“Fucking blood?” Curtis hissed. “Should I contact Atlas?”

When Shiro did not answer, Veronica said, “Give it a moment.”

Shiro knelt down and wiped his fingers on it. Taking his helmet off and ignoring their protests, he sniffed it. “It’s not Galra blood.” He turned on the shoulder light and peered at his fingers. It was an unusual shade of red. It had the same dark greyish tint of Galra blood, but the smell was wrong. He tried a different patch and found that it still smelled the same.

“What are you doing?” Veronica asked.

“We’ve brought a cocaine dog,” Curtis told her.

“I think it’s a half blooded Galra,” Shiro announced, standing up. “I can’t be sure, though, of course.”

“You can tell from just the blood?” Veronica demanded a little irritably.

Shiro looked around, and tried to guess what could have happened. “We have no records of a half Galra on this base. And this blood hasn’t dried yet.”

“Someone’s here?” Curtis asked. He put his comms pad inside and took out his gun.

“Get your guns out and stick together.” Shiro moved forward.

They walked ahead till they found a conveyor belt, and continued following it till they reached a room full of charging crystals and the blood finally disappeared a few feet in.

“Maybe it’s not a half Galra?” Veronica said, confused.

“Yeah,” Shiro agreed. “But still stick together. There might just be someone here. We could take a --”

“Watch out!” Veronica shouted suddenly, interrupting him, and fired her gun.

Before Shiro could finish, a tall heavily armoured Galran, or rather, very obviously a half-Galran leaped out from behind a crystal from one of the higher shelves and landed heavily before them. He had a very badly injured crooked and stiff tail and his right arm was missing. Instead, it dripped blood everywhere.

“Stay back!” Shiro called behind him. “I’ve got him!”

“Should I contact Atlas now?!” Curtis shouted back, firing his gun as well.

“Do it! And don't stop firing! Just cover me!”

“Fine!”

Shiro would have taken him down if it had been for the crazed look in his eyes. The Galran appeared almost manic and did not bother speaking with them. Instead, he just charged right at them. Curtis and Veronica kept their distance and Shiro did his best to maintain attention on himself, but the Galran kept looking around frantically, the yellows of his eyes bright and wide. He rolled his eyes around the room like a rabid monster and foaming at the mouth he slashed at them with his claws haphazardly.

“He’s a gladiator!” Shiro exclaimed, horrified.

“How do you know that?” Veronica yelled from across the room.

“I’ve - He’s -- he looks like a gladiator.” Shiro grit his teeth. “I might be wrong.”

“Well, you weren’t wrong about him being half-Galra!”

Shiro decided to draw him in and stepped up closer to the others. When the Galran took the bait and dashed towards them, Shiro allowed him to rush towards Veronica and right before he could reach her, Shiro leaped in and caught his hand. Shiro felt the heavy force of his arm ripple through his prosthetic and without wasting a moment, swung his other fist. The Galran, as though expecting Shiro to do just that, opened his mouth and grabbed his fist in his mouth.

More with surprise than pain, Shiro yelled. His right hand faltered and the Galran snatched himself free. Throwing a kick at Shiro’s chest, the Galran shoved him aside and turned his attention to the others.

Veronica, who had taken that moment of distraction to slip further away, continued firing her gun. But Curtis had remained hiding behind Shiro with complete and utter faith that Shiro would not let anything happen to him. So now instead of being out of reach of the Galran, Curtis was pressed up against a crystal that was taller than him.

Curtis did not pause firing either. His eyes widened and he grimaced in fear but he continued firing his gun. But the Galran, possibly an old and experienced gladiator, or perhaps he has been fighting for far too long, or perhaps now he was too crazed to be held back by physical limitations -- he was swift, far more swift than any of them.

Shiro barely had the time to leap up, shaking off the numbness and wheezing in air into his lungs, and to rush for Curtis. The Galran with one massive leap was upon Curtis.

Curtis lowered his gun and taking a step aside, fired his gun at something near his feet. Instantly the crystal dislodged itself from its stand and fell on the Galran, shoving him onto the ground.

Shiro did not waste a moment. He jumped onto the Galran and slammed his fist a few times onto his face until Shiro was certain the man, if he was still a man, would not move again.

Shiro sat straddling the Galran for a second, forgetting the pain in his hand entirely, and then turned around to look at Curtis.

Curtis stood with his gun still aimed at the man under Shiro. “Is he dead?” Curtis asked softly.

“No,” Shiro told him. “I knocked him out.” He paused. “We knocked him out.” He stood up and stepped up to Curtis. Veronica, behind them, scrambled to cuff the Galran carefully. “Are you OK, Curtis?”

Curtis gave him a dazed look and nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine. You?”

Shiro stared at him. “You looked shaken.”

“I know. I am. I almost died.” He laughed breathlessly. “I’m not a soldier,” he said again.

“Are you sure? You took him down quite on your own.” Shiro smirked at him.

Curtis gazed him, baffled. “Did I?”

“Yeah.” Shiro bit his lip to fight a grin. He should not be laughing in front of a fellow gladiator whom they had just taken down after he had lost his grip on himself. But Shiro could not help it. “That was admirable, Curtis,” Shiro told him, patting his back. “Are you sure you’re OK?”

“That was insane, Curtis,” Veronica gasped. “What the fuck, man?! I didn’t know you could do that!”

“I didn’t know I could do that,” Curtis muttered, still dazed. He looked around suspiciously as though expecting another gladiator to leap out of the darkness. Shiro pressed a hand on his back to calm him, and it worked. Curtis sighed with relief and leaned against him a little. “Holy shit,” he breathed.

“We should be bringing you more often!” Veronica told him, her eyes wide with delight and what Shiro could only call glee.

Curtis’s grin fell instantly. “No,” he told her, scowling. “That was the last time I’m doing that.” He turned to Shiro, frowning. “As much as I want to do my job efficiently, Shiro, I don’t want to fight ever again.”

Shiro continued grinning, unfazed. “All right. Let’s take a look around and head back. Book a bed at Medical for yourself.”

“I was already going to book a cryopod session after this.”

“You’re fine. You’re too skilled to get hurt.”

“I am so done right now.”

“You’re amazing, Curtis.”

“I am so done right now.”

Notes:

let me know what you think. thanks again for reading.

Chapter 22: Chapter 22

Notes:

uhhh zero progress on the adashi fic. i havent even been able to respond to the comment there. anyone on this side: i have no excuse. i'm sorry. i'll try to get back to it when i can. i feel as though i'm giving up on it. :/

anyway. this chapter is a bit longer than the usual ones.
enjoy

 

It was not Curtis who had to be taken to a crypod. It was Shiro, instead. Because of the injury to his hand that he had completely forgotten until it started swelling and oozing black pus. It was diagnosed to be not just very badly broken but also poisoned and it was a miracle, apparently, that Shiro would not lose his only remaining hand.

After another short trip to the OT to ensure that Shiro did not actually need to get another prosthetic and that whatever remained of hand retained functionality, Shiro was sent to the crypod.

Before the surgery, however, Shiro finally decided to confess his fears of lying on an operating table. Curtis and Veronica had joined him in the tiny space where Shiro sat on his bed surrounded by curtains at some semblance of privacy.

“It’s just a little bite,” Shiro murmured, distressed. “Do I need a surgery?”

“Do you want to lose your hand?” Veronica asked, raising a brow.

Shiro pursed his lips and received a pat on the back from Curtis. There was not a chance that Shiro would risk losing his hand. Losing one had been traumatic enough. And the consequences of another massive change to his body could be catastrophic. Not only would it take what little sanity he had left, he might need a lot of time to adjust to new changes. What if the prosthetic did not suit him? What if there were other complications? And there was the question of learning to take care of himself and fighting with another prosthetic hand. If Shiro failed to survive a fight or perhaps failed to complete a task he was supposed to, the consequences could be disastrous. The Voltron faction of the Coalition was probably the only thing holding Haggar back. If Shiro were to die again, who would guide Keith who was still leaning to be a black paladin? Who would aid Allura? Who would captain the Atlas? They might even be stuck in space until someone rescued them back to Earth.

“Shiro?” Curtis called softly.

He looked up at him, dragging himself out of his trance.

“Do you want me to talk to the doctor about not getting that surgery?” he asked.

Shiro shook his head, laughing. “I already just got a surgery a few weeks ago. It’s just a regular Tuesday at this point.”

Veronica patted his head. “There, there, commander. You can do it.”

Shiro frowned up at her.

“Does it hurt?” Curtis asked, looking distressed.

He glanced down at his bandaged hand. It throbbed like a ticking bomb waiting to explode. Every time it throbbed, his vision throbbed as well. It was giving him a headache. He shook his head. “It’s… fine. I could get back to work if they’d let me.”

“You’re nuts, you know that?” Veronica interrupted him.

“You’re still thinking about work?” Curtis said tiredly.

Shiro flushed apologetically.

Then suddenly Curtis gave Veronica an odd look and she jerked as though someone had smacked her. “I’m gonna take a look at the - at the pilots,” she announced, staring at Curtis. Curtis stared back at her, frowning slightly.

“What’s wrong with them?” Shiro asked, ready to leap off the bed.

Curtis gripped his shoulder tightly and gave Veronica an irritated look. “Nothing!” Veronica told him sharply. “I’m just gonna go take a look at them.”

“What, like a zoo?” Shiro blinked.

“Exactly like a zoo.” She did not wait for him to say anything else. “Call me,” she told Curtis sternly and slipped out.

Shiro tried to peer through the curtains and watch her but the curtains were pulled too nicely.

“OK, now talk,” Curtis said turning to Shiro.

Shiro’s eyes widened. “You sent her out? Is that what happened? You two have a secret code or something?”

“So that you’d talk.” He nodded. “What’s going on? Is something wrong?”

“Why’d you think that?”

Curtis only raised his brows. “Your jokes are a dead giveaway, you know.”

Shiro pursed his lips. “How did you send her out like that, though? Tell me that first. I feel like an outsider now.” He did his best to make the saddest face he could and it worked.

Curtis frowned and huffed and stared. “We don’t have a code any more than you do. She just knows you don’t talk around her.”

“That’s not true. I tell her a lot of things.”

“You’re still not talking, Shiro.” Curtis crossed his arms.

“Well, maybe it’s cause you kicked her out and treated me like an outsider.” Shiro turned his nose. He wished he could cross his arms as well. Perhaps he could ask Allura to do something about that once this was all over. Once she has settled down with Lance. She often talked about having a lab of her own. He decided he would be the her first client and commission an improvement on this prosthetic.

“Shiro.” Curtis sighed, frowning deeper.

He sighed as well, slumping back against the pillow. “I’m fine. I have to get the surgery. Nothing I can do about it. You didn’t have to send her out.”

“She went on her own, OK? Stop worrying about Veronica. Tell me what’s going on.”

Shiro shrugged exaggeratedly and winced as the pain shot up through his arm all the way to his shoulder. It seemed to have seeped into his bones. “I don’t like surgeries, that’s all.”

He paused thoughtfully. “I mean… people usually don’t. it’s not the most fun thing. I think you mean you hate surgeries.”

“Hate is a strong word.”

“How else would you put it?”

Shiro thought about it. Curtis knew enough about him to confess. “Fear,” he said.

Curtis paused. Shiro waited for him to change the topic or say something dismissive. Not that he ever had. But Shiro still found himself anxiously waiting for something to go wrong. “Because of the disease or the prison?” Curtis asked finally.

Shiro looked down at his hand, resting on a pillow on his lap. It felt numb with pain. Perhaps he should have taken the doctor’s advice and taken a higher dose of painkillers. But it was better to be in pain and keep his conscious thoughts running than lose control over himself.

“Both, I think. I don’t know. I never really had to get a surgery because of the disease. Just lots of medication and therapy and diet and stuff. It was only at the prison that…” He stopped.

Which part was he supposed to say? There are so many and most of them he did not remember very well if at all. And if he started talking there was the danger of spiraling. What if he gushed and said everything? What if he said something he was not supposed to? There was also the danger of getting a bad flashback. He now has much better control over himself and could probably handle it better. But there was no guarantee that he could handle it. He could have a panic attack.

Or maybe he was overthinking it too much again. It was Curtis. Kind and understanding Curtis. There was much less chance of offending him than anyone else.

“What?” Curtis insisted, rubbing his back. “What happened at the prison?”

“What happened….? At the prison….?” Shiro murmured to himself. “A lot. A lot happened there.” He tried to think of something else to say. “A lot.”

Curtis nodded. “A lot, huh,” he said quietly. “I imagine so.”

“You can’t imagine, Curtis,” Shiro told him quickly. “If you haven’t lived there, you can’t imagine. It’s… it’s unimaginable. It’s a miracle so many of us survived. I don’t know how. Honestly, I don’t even remember how we survived.”

“And you’ve said you were lucky.”

Shiro looked up at him, surprised that he remembered it. “Yeah. That’s true.” He stared at Curtis for a few seconds fighting the urge to hug him. “I don’t think the survivors could ever forgive Haggar did. Or what the other officers did.” A shudder ran through him and he had to look around to ground himself. Someone’s screams and howls filled his ears and Shiro saw the alien being dragged from their cell right outside Shiro’s cell. He saw the person’s skin, the injuries inflicted from hell knows what, the manic face. Usually, including Shiro, the prisoners stopped protesting the trips to the experimentation chambers or the arena after the first few times. The most anyone did was plead and whine and cry. But this person always howled all the way out and all the way back. And Shiro was sure, from the look of their injuries, that they were not taken to be experimented on. And if it had been the arena they would have taken more than one. Then what? What was it?

“Shiro?”

Shiro started, turning to Curtis with wide eyes. “Hm?”

“Are you… are you all right? You have a weird look in your - your eyes - face.” Curtis peered at him carefully. “Do you want to talk about something else? We could talk about this later. When you feel better.”

Shiro sighed, lowering his eyes. “I don’t know,” he shrugged weakly. “I just… don’t want to deal with anything in a hospital. I’m scared of - I don’t like those lights they have over the patient. I don’t like doctors with their masks and - and that look on their faces. I don’t like - I don’t like injections or - or I don’t know… anesthesia. Pain killers. The whole process of going through a doctor’s trip. Something always bad happens in a hospital. First the disease, which escalated with each trip to the doctor’s. And then the - the prison. Urgh.” He turned to Curtis and found him staring at him intensely. “You know what? I know I shouldn’t be comparing it, but sometimes I can’t help myself. And sometimes I think that the experiments were far worse than anything else in there. They took my arm bit by bit and --” He stopped. That was a lot. He has said a lot.  

“And what?” Curtis asked quite predictably. He kept rubbing Shiro’s back as though Shiro might keel over.

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

Curtis stared at him. His hand moved slowly to Shiro’s neck and then to his hair. Shiro could not remember the last time anyone had petted him. “Do you think there’s anything I can do make you feel better? Take your mind off of things?”

Shiro shrugged, smiling. “It’s all right. I’m gonna have to live with so might as well get used to it.”

“I’ll be with you when you get there,” he promised. “And when you wake up.”

Shiro smiled wider. “Would you? Thanks. I’d like that.” He drew in a deep breath. “What about you? Do you have any stories about the hospital? I mean… Veronica took a trip to the hospital because of the invasion.”

“She told you about that?”

“That she took a bullet for Earth? Yeah. She’s told everyone I think.” He chuckled. “Don’t blame her. We all would if we were that heroic.”

“Yeah.” Curtis continued petting Shiro on the head. “Actually, I don’t really have anything against hospitals. I had to get my appendix removed when I was a kid. And then those trips during the whole period I transitioned was pretty… well. It was awful, sure, but it was amazing. I felt so much better after each trip. And then the doctors let me cut a cake in my room, and one of them brought like ten blue balloons.” He laughed.

“When did you transition?” Shiro asked, already forgetting his own woes. He could imagine a happy young Curtis and his family leaving the hospital with blue balloons and left-over cake.

“Oh, after I got in here.” He laughed again. “I remember taking some time off and my coach thought I’d quit and replaced me in tennis. Iverson yelled at him when he told me to register all over again and lose all progress.”

Shiro had a sudden feeling as though he was floating or drifting under water. “I remember that. How do I even remember that? I never played tennis. Neither did Adam. Did a friend play tennis?”

He shrugged. “He was also the football coach and you played football.”

“Oh.”

“How about I bring in blue balloons for you? Would that make you feel better?”

Shiro laughed. “Not to the hospital.”

“I’ll bring it to your room then. And --” He paused, his grin falling. He leaned away and removed his hand.

“What?” Shiro asked, peering at him. He needed to get to the OT soon and finish the whole process quickly. The pain in his hand was creeping up his arm and the knuckles of that hand seemed to be pressing down on the wound. He thought he could feel the pain coiling around the bones in his hand, seeping into the muscles and flesh. It was starting to distract him now. The fear of losing his only hand bloomed in his mind once more.

“Nothing,” Curtis said, frowning. “I… No… well…”

“What? Say it.” Shiro exhaled and leaned back uncomfortably. He rubbed his arm and kept his distance from the bandage.

Curtis noticed it. “Does it hurt?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just that I didn’t take painkillers so it’s kinda --”

“What the fuck?!” Curtis leaped off the bed. “Shiro, what the fuck?!”

“It’s fine! I’m fine! Sit down!” When Curtis turned around preparing to leave, Shiro asked as casually he could, “Are you going somewhere?”

Curtis lowered his eyes back to Shiro, suddenly calmer. He sighed and crossed his arm. “I’m just going to call the doctor. You can’t sit here with poison in your broken hand without painkillers. Why didn’t you take the painkillers?”

Shiro shrugged. “Just… you know.”

“No! I don’t!”

“This will need a really strong dose and the pill I took was the most I can take without feeling dizzy.” Shiro lowered his eyes, embarrassed. “I don’t like… not being 100 percent alert.”

Curtis frowned at him for a few seconds as though observing him carefully. Shiro expected him to scold but instead he said finally quite gently, “I’ll be with you and make sure nothing happens to you while you’re not alert. And while you’re at the OT, and the cryopod. The whole time. I might not be a fighter but I can make sure you’ll be OK. So you don’t have to worry anymore. I’ll go get the doctor and you can rest a little before the surgery. We still have about 20 minutes.”

Shiro pursed his lips and kept his eyes down. Curtis remained standing patiently. Still grim and unhappy, Shiro nodded complacently.

“Good boy.” Curtis patted his head.

Shiro scowled at him. “You didn’t tell me what you were going to say.”

His face slackened once more. “I’ll tell you after you’re well,” he muttered, glancing around. “Not now.” He was flushing crimson.

Shiro would have liked to press him but decided against it. He would need to preserve some strength for the surgery so that he did not flail and punch someone in a panic. So he nodded and rubbed his arm once more. “All right. I’ll be waiting for it.”

“You’ll hear it, don’t worry,” he told Shiro tiredly. He did not seem particularly happy about it.

“Good.” He nodded again.

 

Notes:

woohoo curtashi progress

let me know what you think. that'd help a lot. i'm really losing motivation on both these fics and boy do i not want to give up on either of them :|
anyway. thanks for reading.

Chapter 23: Chapter 23

Notes:

I thought i had the covid cause im really sick and i've been having breathing issues and either have no appetite or too much... turns out it's just fucking anxiety manifesting again. hah. i was going to see a doctor ffs.

anyway. here's the stuff. curtashi all the way down.

enjoy

Shiro would have liked to have been fully alert on his way to the cryopod from the OT. But with Curtis beside him, he felt he could let himself just be. As soon as he saw Curtis, he pinched the hem of his shirt and, never letting go, shut his eyes and allowed himself to swim between consciousness and unconsciousness.

Shiro was disappointed to let him go when he had to enter the cryopod, the one designed by Sam and other human scientists based off the Galra ones and the one Altean cryopod Shiro had been in. But as he lay down on the bed, he saw Curtis behind the doctor and sighed once more with relief. Curtis smiled and waved and said cheerfully, “I’ll see you soon.” And that was enough.

Nightmares were easily triggered by the cryopod and yet, despite the terror and despair, somewhere at the back of his mind, he knew that he was safe. All he had to was open his eyes and wake up and Curtis would be there. A part of him questioned that unwavering trust he had on Curtis, an uncommon sort of trust that Shiro had never been able to place on anyone besides Ulaz since the prison.

But then Shiro woke up and to his surprise there was Curtis, grinning down at him as though he had never left. As though Shiro had been gone only for a few minutes, that the danger had been nothing but superficial.

Shiro sat up and let himself be examined. The doctors were still anxious about using the Earth cryopods because they were such a new invention and Shiro was still one of the very first patients. This was, in fact, the first time they had treated poisoning with it.

Curtis was exceptionally chatty, telling him about everything that had happened during the hours Shiro had been asleep. About Iverson failing to open a packet of snacks and about Sam finally befriending the space mice Allura had left behind before leaving on their journey. He told Shiro about Bae Bae making a mess in the kitchen and stealing someone’s unattended prosthetic foot. He promised that he had a video to prove it and would show it once Shiro was done with the check-up. He gave a detailed account of what he had heard about the menu from the canteen and gave his suggestions on what he would recommend, demanding Shiro’s opinions.

Shiro listened happily, completely distracted from the check-up and suddenly before he knew it he was being ushered into a room to change and leave.

Curtis brought him food and fresh clothes and dragged him to Shiro’s room. “Sit down for a while and get some blood back into your face,” he told Shiro.

“Do I look ugly?” Shiro asked.

“You look pretty,” he grunted unhappily, shoving him into the chair.

“You’re very kind,” Shiro told him, smiling.

He sat on the bed and watched Shiro eat, and occasionally sipped some water from the bottle he had brought for Shiro. Shiro wanted to share his food, which he usually preferred not to, but this was Curtis who deserved the best. But Curtis would not have any.

“You wanted to tell me something?” Shiro asked after a while.

“You remember that?” Curtis stiffed uncomfortably.

“Of course. You seemed anxious. Tell me now before I get back to work.”

“I think you should finish eating first.” Curtis shifted, tucking his feet under him and then lowering them to the floor again.

“I’m almost done. Go on. Tell me. Who’s fucking who?”

Curtis gave him a dirty look. “You’re captain of the IGF-Atlas, Shiro, you can’t be interested in stuff like that.”

“I think that’s the main reason I am.”

Curtis stood up, huffing and sighing, and walked up to the closet. “All right, I think I should do this first before telling you anything. I hadn’t thought this through. At all. Like at all, at all.”

“That’s all right. It’s just me.” He shrugged.

He grimaced. “That’s the thing. It’s you.”

Shiro gave him a confused look.

Curtis groaned loudly. “Neither of these two things are related. I know how it’ll look when I’m done. But I promise you, neither of these two things are related at all. I didn’t think this through. I don’t want to be that kinda guy.”

“Calm down, sir.” Shiro laughed nervously.

“I can’t. You’ll see why.” Saying so, he opened the closet door and let out three little blue balloons into the room. Shiro almost spat out his water. “I just thought you’d find it funny.”

The balloons bobbed to the ceiling instantly, dancing and bumping into each other. One of the ties reached Shiro and he pulled it down, holding it between his hands. Shiro burst out laughing. “You actually brought blue balloons?” he asked, bewildered and touched.

“It’s silly,” Curtis explained, looking embarrassed. “And you’re silly. You do silly things. I thought I’d pay back.”

Shiro buried his face into his hand, shaking his head. “God dammit, Curtis. I love you. You’re hilarious. You’re the coolest friend I’ve ever had.”

When Shiro looked up, he found Curtis grimacing and wringing his hands, looking extremely awkward and distressed.

Shiro’s grin fell. “What’s wrong?”

But he continued to wring his hands anxiously.

Shiro released the balloon and turned around, gesturing at the bed. “Curtis, what’s going on?” He had to fight the urge to leap up from the chair.

He hung his head with a heavy sigh and dragged his feet to the bed and, still slouching, sat heavily on it. “I… am…” he began and stopped. He looked miserable.

“What do you need?” Shiro insisted.

Curtis gave him a dismayed look. “I… need you to be kind to me. Today.”

Shiro frowned, concerned.

“I’m… going to extremely selfish today. Right now, too. And - and I know this is too much to ask for, but I need you to be kind to me. And… not hate me. And be very honest with me.”

“Curtis, you’re being dramatic and I’m scared,” Shiro told him, slightly annoyed. He gave Shiro such a look that Shiro immediately asked, “Did I - are you crying?”

“No, I’m not,” Curtis moaned, sighing heavily once more. “I’m just… I don’t want to hurt you. Or ruin this friendship.”

“What?” Shiro demanded.

“Shush.” He sighed once final time. “OK. Here goes.” He straightened his back and gazed intently at Shiro. “I… I like you. OK? I have - I thought I should - I need to explain this.” He hissed impatiently. “I like you. It’s more than just - just ‘like’, you know?” he went on, his voice trembling slightly.

Shiro stared at him, too confused to feel anything else.

“It’s more than just friends. I - I think - no. No. I know… I know that I have feelings for you. I like you more than as - as just friends.” Curtis frowned determinedly.

Shiro continued staring at him, unsure how to respond. He did not even know what he should feel to a declaration like that. He had the strangest out of body experience, where he saw himself sitting there at his desk, next to Curtis on the bed. Both gazing at each other intensely. One confused and the other, well, Shiro did not know what he should call the look Curtis was giving him. Whatever it was, it was intensified tenfold at that moment.

The confusion and dilemma did not leave him. Shiro did not know whether he should ask Curtis to explain himself or tell him that he needed time to think. For a moment, he wanted to get up and leave. He even considered throwing his hands and scolding Curtis. ‘What’s wrong with you, Curtis?!’ he wanted to shout.

But instead he found himself sitting on the chair and staring stupidly at Curtis.

 

Notes:

:)))))))))))

let me know what you think. thanks for reading.

P.S. -- im working on the adashi fic a little :') i still need you guys to be patient. thanks so much,

Chapter 24: Chapter 24

Notes:

i keep telling myself to write more but i can't. also i have NO time. like NONE. ZERO. nothing. sorry i havent replied or updated the main fic.

enjoy

Shiro has been sitting silently and frowning at Curtis for several seconds now. Perhaps even minutes, he was not sure. With each passing moment, the confidence with which Curtis had made his confession dwindled rapidly so that by the time Shiro realised that they were too silent, Curtis was sweating. He even seemed breathless and very red.

“I’ve offended you,” Curtis muttered finally in a low voice. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Shiro tried to think of a response and failed.

For a few seconds there had been disbelief, but that was quickly overtaken by guilt. He felt bad for Curtis for some reason. He thought that how awful it must be for Curtis to like someone like Shiro. And Shiro felt bad for himself, being reminded that he was not meant for such things, not anymore. He found himself imagining what it could have been like for Shiro, perhaps in an alternate universe where he was sane and not… himself. He mind immediately went to Adam. Poor Adam. No matter how much Shiro admired him for his bravery and sacrifice, he found himself wishing Adam had been here. To… to do what? Something. Everything would be better with Adam.

But it felt rude and cruel to think of his ex when being confessed to.

“Say something,” Curtis said, his voice trembling. Then he jerked, as though startled. “No, you know what? You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to - you don’t have to answer me. Just - just say something at all. Or not. I’ll go. I’ll just leave. I’ve fucked up.” He stood up, his head hanging in shame.

“Curtis,” Shiro choked out through a tight throat. “Sit. Don’t - don’t leave.”

Curtis immediately sat back down on the bed.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro told him, lowering his eyes.

Curtis stared at him for a moment then slowly nodded. “No, I know. I - I knew, actually. I’m sorry, too. I really didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“No, you’re getting me wrong, I --” Shiro swallowed the lump in his throat. “I - I - you said you wanted me to be kind to you and I haven’t been kind at all.”

“Oh!” He frowned, lips pouting and sat staring at Shiro’s fists resting on his lap.

“Yeah… I’m…” He stopped. He should be kinder. But how? What does one say in such a situation?

“I’ve been unkind, too,” Curtis said, his voice so low that Shiro barely heard him. “I… I already knew you didn’t want a relationship. And I still said that. And ruined a good friendship. But!” He looked up with wide hopeful eyes. “We can - we can still be friends. I’ll never repeat this again. I’ll get over you, don’t worry. It’ll be awkward for a few days and then we’ll be back to being the gay criminals we are.”

Shiro chuckled.

But Curtis did not. “I’ve been an asshole, Shiro. I’m so sorry. If I really cared about you, I wouldn’t have said that to now. Especially after everything you told me. That’s - this is cruel. I’m so sorry.”

They stared at each other for a long moment and then started giggling. Shiro buried his face into his hand and cried out in embarrassment, “I’m sorry, Curtis!”

“Why are you laughing!?” Curtis demanded, although he was giggling as well.

“Why are you laughing!?” Shiro groaned and dropped his hands. “You must be very lonely to choose me.”

“Don’t demean yourself like that,” he snapped. “You need to stop doing that.”

Shiro pursed his lips, still smiling a little, even ruefully, and observed Curtis for a moment. How did this happen? “Are you sure about this, Curtis? Have you thought about this?” he asked finally, distressed.

He nodded, determinedly. “I’m sure. I’ve talked about it with my sister and, ah, and…”

“Veronica,” Shiro told him.

He nodded sheepishly. “I’m not asking for anything, to be honest. Anything more than what I already have. Maybe if I hadn’t said anything I still would have it.” He scowled at the floor. “I’m sorry.”

“Would you please stop apologising, Curtis?” Shiro told him a little indignantly.

He nodded submissively.

“I’m just… I’m just not sure if this is what you want,” Shiro explained uncomfortably.

Curtis looked up. “What do you mean?”

“Are you sure you know what a relationship with me means? I mean… I’m not - I’m not, I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m not normal. Or… I mean. I have… Well, I have baggage. All sorts of baggage. And you know some bits of it. So are you sure, this is what you want?”

Curtis frowned. “Of course I know that. I’ve seen you say some creepy shit in your sleep. I know it’s a pretty big luggage.”

Shiro grimaced. So he had been talking in his sleep, and Curtis just decided not to say anything. “It’s more than just disturbing sleep talking.”

He nodded. “I know. Shiro, I like you. I’ve thought about this a lot. Over and over. A few years ago, you know, I probably wouldn’t have considered this. But the invasion has changed how I think. How - how we are, actually.” He paused for a moment, taking a moment to recover from the memory of what Sendak had done. “We’re all a mess right now. It’s not just you. If I decided to ask someone else out, they’d have baggage, too. I have baggage, Shiro. I’m - I’m - I get - I have baggage. Whatever your baggage is, if you’re OK with mine, I’m in. I know what I’m getting myself into.” He shrugged.

Shiro had the urge to make a joke and he was thinking of one already when he realised how inappropriate that would be. He took a few more seconds, perhaps even minutes, to think of an appropriate response. “I also have a dead fiance,” he said weakly. He felt as though he was deliberately sabotaging himself beforehand. He could simply say yes and be done with it. Curtis must have thought it through if he said that he has. And now Shiro was bringing up all sorts of problems to sabotage himself.

He wanted to make sure that they both knew what they were getting themselves into. It would not be easy. It might even be a battle to be with Shiro. Would Curtis put up with that? Why should he? Perhaps Shiro was putting too much unwavering faith on Curtis. He was human, too. Someone as intelligent and understanding as Curtis would not ideally make such a mistake as choose someone as messy as Shiro to confess to, but he was human, after all. They both were. They were fallible. They could make mistakes and destroy this perfect friendship.

“I know,” Curtis said gently. “I know that you still love him and you will never stop loving him.”

“And you’re OK with that?” Shiro asked, surprised.

He nodded. “Of course. He - he was your family. You’ll always love him.”

Shiro leaned back against his chair. How did he get so lucky? Something must be wrong. He has always been very lucky with friendships. All his friends have always been wonderful people. And Adam, too, his best friend, his family, his partner and fiance, had been absolutely unimaginably wonderful. But no one got so lucky a second time. Least of all him. After everything, how could Shiro get so lucky to be chosen by someone like Curtis?

“We,” Shiro began breathlessly and paused. “We… will need to talk about this. Sort out a lot of things. So that I don’t - I don’t… hurt you or anything. Cause like, I’m not… I’ve got baggage and --”

“We’ll sort out our baggage,” Curtis assured him quickly. “You have to remember that I’ve got some, too.”

“I know what your baggage is, Curtis.”

“That you do.”

“I’m not worried about it.”

“Really?” He frowned.

Shiro chuckled. “Yeah. I’m not. I think it’s a good thing cause I’d like to hug you when you get upset and now I think I have the right to hug you whenever I want. This’ll be good.”

Curtis’s eyes widened. “Huh?”

“I don’t care that you don’t do hugs a lot,” Shiro told him firmly. “I’m very physically affectionate. You’re going to be smothered half to death every day.”

Curtis blinked rapidly a few times. “So… this is a yes?”

Shiro nodded out a grunt, flushing.

“Use your words!” He looked almost angry.

Shiro rubbed his mouth. He felt oddly embarrassed. “Yeah,” he murmured.

Curtis sighed loudly. He flopped back onto the bed and let out a low groan. He groaned again, much louder and flailed and kicked his legs. His groan rose in pitch till he was wailing like a ghost.

“Stop screaming!” Shiro shouted.

Curtis pressed his hands over his mouth and let out a weak whimper.

Shiro waited for him to get up but he did not. “Are we a couple now?”

“I think so,” he moaned with a trembling voice. He sounded like he was crying.

“Will you call me your boyfriend?”

“My - my friend? My boyfriend? Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.”

“Call me Takashi then. Shiro doesn’t sound nice coming from a - a boyfriend.”

Curtis sprang up with a little strangled noise.

Shiro giggled, biting his lip. “Can I hug you?”

Curtis was immediately on his feet, opening his arms wide. Shiro stood up slowly, taking his time, and wrapped his arms around Curtis’s chest. Curtis held him gently at first and then his grip tightened. He rubbed Shiro’s back and cupped his head. “It’s not that I don’t like hugs. I do. But I prefer them from you.”

“I kinda guessed that.” Shiro muttered into his shoulder. Curtis, as always, smelled sweet and like strawberries. Shiro recognised the coconut shampoo the two of them had bought together, one for each. He gripped Curtis’s shirt in his fists and buried his face into his shoulder. It was strange how easily their arms seemed to fit together into that hug, like puzzle pieces as though it was the most natural thing in the universe.

And it was. It would not be the first their first hug, nor their second or their third. They have hugged many times in the past few weeks without thinking, without considering what they were doing. Since the very first hug, their embrace has always felt completely and utterly natural. As though they have always known each other, been in each others’ company for a long time. Despite the awkwardness and confusion and embarrassment everything else could arouse, a hug was the most natural thing in the universe between Shiro and Curtis.

It filled Shiro with joy to be given the privilege to hug Curtis any time now.

“I think I like you, too,” Shiro told him after a while.

“You think?” Curtis asked curiously.

“Yeah. Cause… I think I’ve always liked you. I know that I have.” Shiro paused. “I think I just need to understand what I really feel about you.”

“I see. All right.”

“Just so you know, it’s nothing bad. I really do like you, Curtis.”

“No, no. Don’t assure me.” He laughed, rubbing his back. Curtis sighed, his warm breath washing Shiro’s neck.

Shiro’s throat tightened. He waited for a few seconds for the tears to form but they did not. Instead he was left with a tired btu warm pain in his chest. He wanted to do something for Curtis that could express his affection for him. What he felt for Curtis was nothing like what he had felt for Adam. And yet it made perfect sense that Shiro should be in a relationship with Curtis. “Do we go on dates now? Is that what happens now?” Shiro asked anxiously.

“Do you want to go on dates? To - to the canteen, I guess? Or the bar?”

Shiro pulled away to look at him, squinting. “Um. If we want to.” Shiro gingerly rested his hands on Curtis’s chest and Curtis, too, very gently pressed his palm on Shiro’s back as though cupping his shoulder blades.

“I’d rather we didn’t,” he confessed, grimaced. “I’d like to keep things quiet for now. And besides, the Atlas isn’t the best - uh, the best --”

“It’s terrible place for dates,” Shiro agreed. “We should just hang out. We could go just go - go - I don’t know - bowling.”

They both grimaced.

“No…”

“Yeah, no. No bowling at the Atlas.” Shiro nodded.

“We’ll figure something out,” Curtis assured him.

“Yeah.” Shiro chuckled. “We’re keeping this quiet, huh.”

“Unless you want to…”

Shiro shook his head. “I think it’ll be safe for you to not be known as my boyfriend. I’ve got the largest bounty on my head. They’ll come after you, too.”

Curtis paused. “I didn’t think about that.”

Shiro smiled at him, fighting the urge to kiss his cheek. “Uh-huh.”

“I was too head over heels, I guess.” He shrugged.

Shiro sputtered out a laugh. “All right, Romeo. Settle down. We need to be careful about this. I don’t want anyone else to know about this. Except, well, except the ones who already do.”

Curtis pulled him closer and quite abruptly his face was close to Shiro’s, startling him. “All right,” Curtis said, grinning.

“Do you want a breath mint?” Shiro asked so as not to to think about Curtis’s grinning mouth, his soft lips and flashing teeth.

His face slackened.

“That was - that was a joke,” Shiro choked out, regretting. He hugged Curtis once more.

“Was it?”

“I’m so fucking sorry. Your breath smells like chicken.”

“Oh my god.”

“It’s delicious.”

“Shiro…”

“I love chicken.”

“Shut up. For god’s sake.”

“All right. Let’s just hug.”

Notes:

.... i was looking forward to this chapter and rn i'm on the verge of breaking someone's neck.

hope you guys liked this. thanks for reading. once again, let me know what you guys think. i will respond when i'm not trying to commit a homocide. thanks again.

Chapter 25: Chapter 25

Notes:

MY NECK HURTS AND I AM EXAHUSTED
also i discovered that anxiety gives me a migraine and when i'm even a little bit better the pain eases significantly. wow. the more you learn.

anyway. no curtis for you today.
but we've got our beautiful and amazing veronica.
enjoy

“What do I do?” Shiro whispered, sweating. His heart was in his throat and so was some bile right from his stomach. He wanted to fly off in Black and he probably would have if Black still allowed him to fly her.

“You’re harassing me,” Veronica told him sternly. “I’m gonna report you.”

Shiro paused to look at her wanting to cry to show her how much he was wounded by that statement.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she said frowning. “You’ve been saying that a few hundred times every hour past week. I swear to fucking god I’ll crash the fucking ship.”

“You’re not the one actually flying the ship.”

“I’m on the radar, sir.”

Shiro sat stiffly, his fists clenched tightly under the table and stared at Veronica’s hands as she typed frantically at the keyboard. It surprised Shiro how many devices she had. Both Veronica and Curtis filled their offices with a bunch of devices and somehow, they always found uses for each of them that Shiro would never have thought of.

“Is that a new uniform?” Veronica asked suddenly.

“Yes.” Then he jerked, startled. “I was going to try this on for a while. I was just being lazy.”

She raised her brows at the word ‘lazy’. “Uh-huh. Takashi Shirogane being lazy is very believable, yes.”

“Why would I wear a new uniform for a date, Veronica? I’d - I’d wear some civies. Like a - like a n - normal person.”

“You think you’re normal?”

“Let me lie to myself.”

“At least make it believable.”

Shiro once more wished he was his 24 year old self who could cry at the drop of a hat. It was only a few years ago. If he tried really really hard, he might be able to squeeze out a tear.

But Veronica returned to her work once more.

“Veronica. Veronica. Veronica, listen. Veronica.”

Veronica looked up with pure hatred and rage.

“What do I do, man? What does one do at a date?”

Veronica shut her eyes and drew in a deep breath. She exhaled deeply then breathed again. Finally she shut her pad and put her keyboard aside. “All right. All right. All right. All right. OK. All right. Go on. Tell me your problems.”

“I don’t know what people do on dates.”

“How many dates have you been to?”

“Not many? I went on some when I was in Japan and I was a literal child then. And Adam and I were already best friends by the time we got into a relationship. Is it a bad thing that I’ve never been on a date before? Is it a bad thing that I’ve only ever been in a relationship with - with just Adam? Is it OK that I talk about Adam all the time with you and him? I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about him. And I do miss him. Is it OK that I miss him? I still love him. I - I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him. Curtis said he’s OK with that, but I don’t know. I just feel like this is a bad idea. Does he know what he’s doing? Does he know what he’s getting himself into? I have PTSD. I have one arm. I - I don’t know anything about romance. I don’t - I really like hugging him. He’s very huggable. Is that a bad thing? I know I’ve got problems, and I know he does, too, and we’re friends - is it OK that we’re friends? I wanted to be with someone I was friends with because I didn’t want to put in the effort into dating and getting to know someone. What if Curtis decides he doesn’t want me anymore? What if - fuck, Veronica - what if - what if I decide I don’t like him? I really don’t want that. I want to be friends with him. What if I realise that I don’t want this? What if I sabotage myself? I keep telling myself not to expect anything but I think I have too many expectations and demands and it won’t be fair on someone I really care about. I don’t want to ruin things with Curtis. What if I don’t actually have feelings for him? What if he’s actually boring as a boyfriend? Or what if - what if he’s not as great as a boyfriend? What if he has commitment issues? What if I have commitment issues?”

Veronica gently pushed him her glass of water when Shiro paused, panting. He sweating harder and he was breathless. His lips were trembling and he felt twitchy.

“Do you need me to call the doctor?” she asked anxiously.

Shiro sipped the water and said hoarsely, “No, thank you. I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m good. Thank you.”

Veronica watched him for a while, leaning over her desk. Shiro hunched over the glass of water, thoroughly embarrassed. He was too old to be terrified of a first date.

“You guys are friends already,” Veronica told him.

Shiro looked up sharply. “Is that good?”

“Of course it is. That means you’re just gonna hang out like you always do and call it a date. You can call anything a date if you want to.” She shrugged. “I went to the gym on one date not too long ago.”

“Yeah, you’ve told me about it.”

“Well, then.”

“But we haven’t really decided where we’re going to go.”

“Just go wherever, man. Go where you usually go. Where do usually go?”

Shiro thought about it. “We stay in a lot. There isn’t a lot of places to go within the Atlas.”

Veronica gestured at that encouragingly.

But Shiro continued to look distressed. “I’ve never done this before.”

“OK, then let Curtis decide.”

Shiro brightened at the thought. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. I don’t have to take responsibility here.” He leaned back, suddenly relieved. “Phew! I completely forgot I didn’t have to take responsibility here! Curtis can decide. Yeah. I can leave it on him.”

“There you go. Now fuck off and let me work.”

“Thanks, Veronica. You’re the best friend I could’ve asked for.” Shiro started to melt into the chair.

She stared at him. “I worry about you sometimes.”

“You wouldn’t be wrong.”

“You need to get some help, man. Curtis has been giving you the goo goo eyes since the day he met you.”

He frowned. “Pfft! That’s not true.”

Veronica kept staring at him.

“Really?” he asked quietly. “Why didn’t he say anything?”

She raised her brows. “He thought saying anything now would be too early.”

“So… why did he say it then?” Shiro tensed once more. Perhaps Shiro was expecting too much from Curtis?

“Well… I think you should ask him.” Veronica looked down at her pad, turning it on.

He put his elbows on the desk. “Veronica. Is everything OK? Should I be worried?”

Veronica laughed, amused. “You really do worry too much, you know.”

“Well. Someone has to.”

“Right.” She reached over and patted his hand. “Everything’s fine. I think he didn’t want to wait anymore because… well. We don’t really have the safest and easiest kind of jobs, do we? Especially you. He said that he didn’t want to risk regret. And that he’ll regret it if he waited too long and you ended up finding someone else.”

Shiro shook his head. “That wouldn’t have happened.”

“Shiro…” Veronica smiled at him. “Do you like him?”

Shiro lowered his eyes to the desk for a grim moment. He has had a week to think about it. He has been taking free second to think and rethink his feelings over and over. He has seen Curtis every day since that day, before work, at work and after work. They have had all the meals together and all homework together. They have sat down to prepare for a meeting with a Coalition faction together, late into the night. Did Shiro like him? “Yeah. Yeah, I do. I like Curtis.” He nodded firmly.

“I know you’re a great guy, Shiro, but I also know you’re not without faults. Be nice to him, OK? You won’t regret it.” She patted his hand.

Shiro smiled, cheeks flushing, but not with embarrassment. He felt excited and hopeful. “I’ll do my best, Veronica. I promise.” He was sure that he would do his best. This won’t be like last time. He would do better. He knew better. He knew how fragile he was, and how life was, and what consequences meant.

Shiro would do better.

He thought of Adam, watching down at him from that alternate universe with his own version of Shiro. He imagined Adam fussing anxiously over Shiro’s well-being, irritated that Shiro might break Curtis’s heart, too. And assured him, Adam, I’ll do my best to be happy this time.

He could imagine Adam still worrying but believing Shiro this time. Shiro has learned what loss could bring. If he lost one more friend now, he knew he would snap. How could he allow himself be the cause of that loss again?

This time, Shiro would make the right choice. He would choose both Curtis and himself, instead of just himself. And knowing that Curtis was not the sort to fight, to put himself on danger, only relieved him.

Perhaps, Shiro might have a chance this time. He looked forward to their date tonight.

Notes:

hah
let me know what you think
thanks for reading.

Chapter 26: Chapter 26

Notes:

I've got shocking news for y'all. i updated the main fic. patting myself on the back. it was a battle and i won.

also, more curtashi for y'all beauties. enjoy.

Shiro knew his first proper date with Curtis would be memorable, something the two of them would much later when they think back to the early stages of their relationship. That is, if they lasted that long. But he had not assumed that it would quite something like this.

They had met after work at Shiro’s office and wondered what they should do. Shiro told him what Veronica had told Curtis and they realised that she was right. They should just do what they would do normally, and decided on a movie night. As always, it was a Friday and Curtis had plans to watch a movie before bed. He said that they could follow their usual Friday evening ritual and bring a couple of beers to Curtis’s room and watch the movie.

“Is it all right if we do this at my place?” Shiro asked as casually as he could.

Curtis blinked and took a moment to consider it. “Sounds good. I’ll change and come over.”

Shiro nodded and sighed sadly down at his new and freshly ironed uniform. Perhaps he had put it on to impress Curtis and had not realised that until he was disappointed. Curtis had not even commented on it.

At his room, Shiro showered and changed and stood before the mirror to observe himself. Although, unsurprisingly, he did not need a shave, Shiro leaned over and peered carefully at his face and looked for a stray strand. Putting his hands on his hips, he glanced around his room.

He kept his belongings very minimal, despite Veronica and Curtis’s complaints, and whatever his possessions were, he kept them neatly folded and tucked away behind closet doors or in cupboards. He has always been quite tidy and space had made him want to designate every object to their places. Keeping the minimal amount of things room meant he could keep it track of everything without letting his room or his mind become overcrowded.

And now he was grateful to see his spotless room, every wrinkle smoothed out and every smudge wiped clean.

It was too clean. He could see Curtis walking in and grimacing at his hotel room looking bed and the neatly coiled cables on his desk. Should he do something about that? But Curtis has visited him before and knew Shiro well enough to not be put off by it.

Shiro returned to the mirror and squinted at himself once more. Although he did not feel comfortable in his skin, although he found his scars grotesque and the missing arm occasionally unnerving, Coran had literally told him that his looks sold Voltron posters far more easily than simply their ideology or cause. And he would not the first or the last person to tell him that he was attractive as though it were a truism.

There was a time when it had filled him with joy. He could even remember those days, what he used to think and why. But there was hardly any reminiscent of the feeling today. He saw himself as he saw anyone else, not himself. But for a while, he has been seeing his past self as someone else, anyway.

Should Shiro put on something else? Everything he wore right now was black. The only clothes he had bought since returning home, as nothing from his properties still remained. He had bought these with Curtis and Curtis had been enthusiastic, complimenting his choice and even helping him pick a clothing that matched his style. Unlike many others who thought an all black look did not fit him.

He turned his head this way and that and observed his hair. He had gotten a haircut quite a while back and one could tell that with a mere glance. Looking down at himself, every aspect of his looks, his strange body, his pale skin, the massive scar, the white hair, and, oh god, the lines, the lines, so many lines, so many wrinkles, he was quite disgusted. He wanted to take off his body like one takes off their shirt and put on something that looked a bit better. That had less stories to tell, or at least better stories.

It was as though he carried his past on his face, his skin, his hair and the missing arm and the disturbing wrinkles.

What did Curtis see in him? He could see why the rest of the universe would like that. They saw his deeds, his status as the former black paladin and as the current captain of the IGF-Atlas, the literal face of the Coalition, before his attractiveness. But why did Curtis like his looks? Or did he? Maybe Curtis was the sort of person who tended to overlook someone’s appearance entirely. After Shiro has never heard him say a single bad word about anyone’s appearance since the day he has known Curtis.

He was still standing by the mirror when the door announced Curtis’s arrival. Shiro quickly let him in. Curtis, very predictably, took one look at the room and grimaced.

“I’m going to do something about this,” Curtis said.

“I don’t want too many stuff in here,” Shiro told him. “It’ll probably start getting overwhelming.”

“How about a poster?”

“Of what?”

“Hm…. Yourself?”

Shiro frowned at him. “Why…?”

“How about your favourite paladin? Is it Keith?”

“I don’t have favourites.” Shiro frowned deeper.

“Uh-huh.” He smirked. “I’ll bring something. Maybe a pride flag. Oh, or the Atlas. Maybe you could put one of those little hovering toys of the Atlas that wobbles when you tap them. I like those. I wanted to get one for myself but I don’t have enough room.”

Shiro paused looking around. “If you can find a place here, I think that’ll be fine.”

“And a poster. I’ll think of something.”

He sat down on the bed and produced a drive and looked up at Shiro, eyeing him from head to toe. For a moment, Shiro felt extremely self conscious. The reminder that he was a clone flitted across his mind leaving him slightly nauseous.

“Oh, hey!” Curtis grinned and pointed at Shiro. “You put on that jacket I helped you pick.”

Shiro blinked a couple of times and the tension eased from his shoulder. He had been worrying over utterly silly things. But instead of feeling silly, Shiro immediately forgot about the anxiety that had been making him question his body a few minutes ago. He sat down beside Curtis and settled down comfortably.

They decided to watch a series and took a short break after every episode, to chat about what they had watched, or take a trip to the toilet or simply stretch their legs.

They sat at the head of the bed with Curtis’s laptop on their laps. Within minutes, they had pulled the blanket over their laps. An episode later, Curtis shifted and put his arm around Shiro’s shoulders, pulling him closer very gently.

“You don’t mind my arm?” Shiro asked, surprised.

Curtis looked down at the hard white base of the prosthetic on his shoulder and pulled Shiro a bit closer, pressing his hard metal shoulder against his own side. Curtis rubbed his thumb on a small patch on Shiro’s arm and finally dropped his hand lazily on his shoulder. “No, it’s fine,” he said returning to the screen.

Until then, Shiro had been more invested in the show than Curtis had been. It was a simple romance about two women falling in love and Curtis had initially worried that it would be boring. As a massive nerd, Curtis liked to pick and choose his movies carefully.

Now, Shiro found himself distracted by Curtis. As soon as Curtis had said that and returned to the show, Shiro had turned wide-eyed to Curtis and stared at him for a long moment. When he eventually tried to get back into the show, he found himself thinking more about how comfortable he was and how cosy the bed was, and how warm the blanket was, and how wonderfully warm and cosy Curtis was. His cologne had started drifting to Shiro’s nose as soon as he put his arm around Shiro and now Shiro was dozing from the smell.

Too comfortable, he slid down a little and dropped his head on Curtis’s shoulder. Curtis shifted to be more comfortable and rubbed Shiro’s arm, sighing. As Shiro’s eyes fluttered shut, he felt a kiss press onto the top of his head. Sleepily, he raised his head to grin up at Curtis.

Curtis smiled down at him and pressed another kiss on his forehead. “You want to sleep?”

“No, I’m just very comfortable. Don’t mind me. Keep watching.” He dropped his head back on Curtis’s shoulder. A few seconds later, Shiro murmured, shutting his eyes, “If I fall asleep, wake me up.”

“All right.” Curtis chuckled and kiss his hair once more. A moment later, he kissed Shiro again, twice more, on the head.

In the end, Curtis did not wake him up. Instead, Shiro awoke in the middle of the night, pressed up against the wall while Curtis slept beside him, his back turned to Shiro.

Smiling to himself, Shiro leaned over Curtis and kissed his hair this time. Curtis did not respond, dreaming contentedly. Shiro kissed him once more and lay down again, curling up against the wall, and fell asleep without a single nightmare bothering him throughout the night.

 

Notes:

yep. another chapter. another dose of curtashi. let me know if this works.
thanks for reading.

p.s. i'm sorry i havent responded to a single comment. i'm practically drowning. no i have drowned. i slept all day today in my deathbed. i died. thanks for your patience. i'll respond when i return from the afterlife.

Chapter 27: Chapter 27

Notes:

the one we've all been waiting for ;-;

huzzah

enjoy

(P.S. I've been way too busy. and i still haven't had the time to respond the comments. i would like to reply properly so i haven't half assed a comment or two without much thought. i will do it when i actually have some time. but i have been reading them and they're the most delightful things i've ever read and they're literally the reason i wake up every morning. thank you so much. you guys are simply the best.)

Shiro was in his tank top and uniform trousers when he stepped out of the bathroom, drying his hair, and he found that Curtis has finally awoken and was stretching lazily on the small floor. As soon as Curtis saw Shiro, he froze, his butt raised high and directed towards Shiro.

Confused, Shiro froze, as well. “Good morning,” he said as cheerfully as he could. “Sleepy head,” he added, smiling.

Curtis continued staring at him over his shoulder, still frozen.

“Curtis?”

“Good morning,” he said, his voice high and trembling. “I was up late for the show. After you fell asleep.”

Shiro paused, suddenly remembering what had happened the previous night. He turned away, flushing. “Oh, dang. I missed all that. I thought you didn’t like that show.”

“It wasn’t so bad once you start seeing the appeal to it.” Curtis returned to his stretches.

“I’m changing your tastes now.” Shiro laughed.

Curtis stood up and watched Shiro get ready, and put his hands on his hips as though judging him as he would a new recruit. “Why are you up all ready now? We don’t open the bridge till much later.”

“I want to get some work done before we open,” Shiro told him, putting his watch on. “Keep everything updated and running smoothly.”

“Huh.”

Shiro turned to him, smirking. “What ‘huh’?”

“You’re a worse workaholic than I’d previously imagined.” Curtis turned around, tidying the bed. “You slept early last night. Earlier than you usually do.”

Shiro frowned at him. “I’m not a workaholic. I’m just efficient. There’s a difference. It’s a good thing.”

“Uh-huh. I don’t know, but if I were you, I’d try to change that. You can’t fix a problem unless you acknowledge it and you haven’t even reached that stage yet.”

Shiro turned around, slightly distressed and pondered on his routine. It was true that as far back as he could remember, as long as he has been in space, since the day he escaped the prison, he has been giving every job his everything. A moment of respite and relaxation made him restless and he even needed to make a game with the paladins something of a training. But he has done so because if he did not then the consequences could be dire. Because, if Shiro failed in his task, if he did not achieve his goal, he could die, someone could die, they could lose the war, one of the paladins could die, or all of them.

“You’re thinking about something,” Curtis commented, taking him out of his musings.

“Hm?” Shiro looked up, still frowning.

“What are you thinking about? Conquering the universe with that gorgeous smile?” Curtis walked up to him and put his arm around him, grinning at him on the mirror.

Shiro snorted. “Shut up, Curtis.”

Curtis pressed a kiss on his head. “Stop worrying. You’ll make it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re thinking about the fact that you’re a workaholic, aren’t you?” Curtis pulled him closer.

Shiro looked at his face on the mirror and then saw himself. He was still in his tank top and Curtis was in the t shirt and trousers he had brought last night. There was a patch of hair still standing on top of Curtis’s head. Somehow they looked like an unlikely pair. Shiro was suddenly hit with the realisation of what being in a relationship meant. We’re a couple, he said to himself, shocked. He could see the shock in his eyes on the reflection.

Curtis pulled Shiro closer once more and kissed his head again. “Are you all right?”

Shiro nodded. “Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Being a workaholic,” he answered, smirking. “And… what that means.”

“What does it mean?”

“I’m your… boyfriend. We’re in a relationship now.” Shiro paused, his smile falling. “I don’t want be a mess and ruin things.”

Curtis chuckled. “Thank you. I’d really appreciate that.” He grinned at their reflections. “I’m invested in this relationship.”

Shiro nodded, frowning deeply.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked suddenly.

Again, Shiro flushed at the memory of falling asleep in Curtis’s arms. “Yeah. It was fine. You?”

“Yeah. I didn’t realise how heavy you are and --”

“I’m sorry!” Shiro grimaced, embarrassed.

“No, no. It was nice. It wasn’t bad.”

Shiro turned around to look at Curtis properly. Seeing him grin, Shiro put his arms around his waist and dropped his head onto his shoulder. “It was nice,” he mumbled, flushing deeper. In the mirror, Shiro watched Curtis shut his eyes and smile softly. It made Shiro’s chest constrict and he had the urge to pick Curtis up once more. Instead, he gripped Curtis’s shirt and held on tight, watching Curtis on the mirror. Curtis still looked a little sleepy, his face puffy and waxy, and his hair messy. But he still looked handsome.

What luck to have such a wonderful man for a boyfriend who was not only kind and sweet but also so incredibly pretty.

“I still have to go back,” Curtis said after a few moments. “I brought nothing last night.”

Shiro sighed, disappointed.

Curtis quickly caught on, laughing. “I don’t want to leave either.”

Shiro flushed once more. “We have work.”

“We do.”

“We’ll see each other at work.”

“Hm. But we won’t cuddle at work, though.”

“I knew you liked cuddles, Curtis, you lying whore.”

“Wow, you talk to your paladins with that mouth?”

“I do a lot of things with that mouth.”

Curtis’s eyes opened and he stared at something over Shiro’s head.

“That came out wrong,” Shiro muttered.

“It came out just right.”

Shiro pulled away and picked up his shirt. “We can’t stay here and cuddle all day. Even though I wouldn’t particularly mind.”

“We need to sync our days off, Captain,” Curtis said grimly. “So that we can stay in together and cuddle.”

Shiro nodded. “I’ll work on it today, Lieutenant.”

Curtis gave him a salute and stepped into the bathroom.

“You missed a perfect opportunity to march,” Shiro called, laughing.

“I’m not that invested in the bit,” Curtis called back.

Shiro was ready to leave when Curtis stepped out. “You’re gonna have to lock up,” Shiro told him. “I’ll leave now.”

“You’re in such a hurry.” Curtis rolled his eyes. “Your boyfriend is here and you want to spend the entire day work.”

“At work with you, Curtis, we work together.” Shiro walked up to him and watched him gather his things. Curtis smelled like mouthwash. He had not brought a toothbrush so for now he had to make do with just that. “You need to fix your hair before you leave. People are going to misunderstand.”

This time it was Curtis who blushed. He stood up and ran his fingers clumsily through his hair.

Shiro tsked and held him stead by the shoulders and then fixed his hair carefully. It took some work to smooth his bedhair but Shiro was successful. “There you go. Much better.”

“Thank you.”

Shiro placed his hands on Curtis’s shoulders and stood staring at him carefully. Curtis smiled at him but Shiro did not.

“What?” Curtis asked with a confused grin.

“Curtis…” Shiro whispered, his voice strained.

“What?” He frowned, concerned.

“I… I know we haven’t been dating for long but… can I - is it all right if I ask for a kiss?” Shiro bit his lip as he mumbled out the last few words.

Curtis frowned, squinting, as though he had not heard Shiro properly. Which was perfectly possible; Shiro had lost his voice by the end of that question. Then his eyes showed recognition. “I was going to ask for a kiss last night but you fell asleep.”

Shiro’s eyes widened and he leaned over burying his face into his hand. “I’m very new at this.”

“I think you falling asleep was better than a kiss. I’m happy you got some good sleep. If you’d like, I would do this more. Get better sleep.” He sounded perfectly calm and unperturbed.

Shiro peeked at him through his fingers. “I’d like that, yes. Thank you.”

Curtis smiled. He leaned forward, placing a hand on Shiro’s hip. He took Shiro’s hand away from his face and kissed him.

Notes:

:3

this did not go as well as i'd wanted it to but this isnt as shitty as i'd feared either. so i hope you guys like this.
thanks for reading. let me know what you think. X3 thanks so much.

Chapter 28: Chapter 28

Notes:

huzzah
i thought i'll upload this after the comments in the previous chapter :3 couldn't help myself.
hope you guys like this
enjoy

Shiro was floating. He was sure he was floating. Tethered to reality only by the patches of skin where Curtis touched him, his hands, a small brush of Curtis’s fingers on his side, and his lips.

Curtis tasted of mouthwash and his hair smelled funny, the sweetness of his strawberry scented shampoo mingled with the smell of sleep. And Shiro could feel Curtis’s breath on his face. His lips were soft, far softer than Shiro had imagined. And as the moment lasted, Curtis ran his fingers along Shiro’s belt around his waist, pinching at his shirt. Before they pulled apart, Shiro opened his eyes slightly to peek at Curtis through his eyelashes and was surprised to find his slightly open as well.

They pulled away slowly, hesitantly, as though unsure of what had just happened. Curtis stared at him with a little uncertain smile and Shiro, unable to contain himself, leaned in for another kiss.

This time, he made sure to remain aware of himself instead of floating away. He shifted carefully and pressed in for a deeper kiss and wrapped his hand around his waist, holding him closer. Curtis was gripping his prosthetic hand and Shiro was sure he felt his fingers tighten around his. To respond in the like, Shiro traced his hand from Curtis’s shoulder to his neck, and then raised his fingers to touch his jaw.

Curtis pulled away momentarily to draw in a deep breath, giving Shiro a glazed look, and then pressed another short and quick kiss on his lips once more. “Thanks,” he gasped and nodded.

“You’re thanking me for a kiss?” Shiro asked, grinning. “I’m your boyfriend.”

He blushed, glancing away. “I mean - I mean, for the other two kisses.”

“Ough,” Shiro grunted, his heart pierced. He bumped his nose against Curtis’s cheek letting out a weak groan of despair.

Curtis laughed. “What?!”

Shiro nuzzled his neck, his eyes squeezed shut and then, taking a deep breath, he leaned over and nibbled at his shoulder.

Curtis jolted, shocked. “Takashi?”

“You’re too quizznacking cute, what the hell,” Shiro mumbled with some annoyance.

“You bit me?”

“I’m want to gobble you up like a chicken leg.”

Curtis was silent for a moment and then sighed, wrapping his arms around Shiro.

“Are you turned off right now?”

“No.”

“You think I’m weird?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

Curtis kissed his head. “You think I’m a chicken leg.”

“You’re tasty.”

“Hm. I’m not sure you know what that really means.”

Shiro paused, and then steeled himself. “I said what I said.”

“You don’t think much when you talk, do you?”

“Not when I’m around you.”

“Hm.”

“Are you judging me right now?”

“Kinda.”

Shiro frowned. Perhaps he needed to reign himself in.

“I don’t think you’re a chicken leg. But I do want to carry you in my pocket. And take you out whenever I feel bad.”

Shiro laughed, buried his face into Curtis’s neck again. “Aww, you can call me over whenever you need me to hug you. I’ll chew on your arm and carry you around.”

“You can carry me?” Curtis sounded surprised.

“You think I can’t?” Shiro asked, just as surprised.

Curtis was silent.

“Do you… want me to pick you up?”

“No, no. No, it’s fine. It’s OK.” He sounded truly sad and disappointed.

“Are you sure?”

“You have work,” he said weakly.

“You remember that now, huh? Now that I’m already late?”

Curtis held him tighter and sighed heavily with his entire body. He ran his fingers through Shiro’s hair and pressed his cheek against Shiro’s head. Sighing once more, he said ruefully, “What’s the point of dating a buff guy if he won’t pick me up?”

“Is that why you asked me out in the first place? So that I’ll pick you up?”

“Why do you think?”

“Curtis… you didn’t have to trick me. If you’d just asked me I’d have picked you up anyway.”

Curtis was silent once more.

“But I’ll do it now, too.”

“Has anyone told you that you’re a very sweet guy?”

“Yes. You have. Just now.” Shiro pulled away to kiss his cheek. “I’m late.” He did not wait for Curtis’s permission and wrapped his left around Curtis’s thighs and picked him up. Curtis squawked loudly. “This good?” Shiro asked, grinning up at his face.

Curtis, his mouth open in a wide O, stared down at Shiro. He gripped Shiro tightly by the shoulders and gasped, “This is so high up!”

Shiro frowned. “Neither of us are particularly short.”

“But - but - but - I - I --”

Shiro hesitated. “You want me to put you down?”

“N - no, it’s - it’s just… I not very… fond of… heights…” He looked around and shuddered. “I’ve never been this high up from the ground. At least in a long time.”

“Curtis….” Shiro rubbed his back soothingly. “How did you manage to graduate the academy?”

“I’m not a pilot! That’s how!”

“You’re still a comms officer! You’ve even been to off-planet missions before the invasion! You work at the Atlas bridge!”

“None of that requires me to fly 7 feet off the ground!”

“No, it requires you to fly thousands of feet off the ground! And into space!”

“Space isn’t scary! And thousands of feet is fine. It’s just - it’s just when I can see the ground…” He sighed. “It’s all right. I’m fine now. I’m ashamed.”

“I’m sorry.” He shifted Curtis in his arms and Curtis squawked again. “It must be hard to be in this job.”

“It’s worse to watch people fight and die.”

Shiro rolled his eyes. “That’s not so bad as living your life doing something you’re uncomfortable with.” Then he frowned, realising what he had just said.

“You really don’t think when you talk, do you?”

“Only around you.”

“Remind me to stay away from you when you’re talking to alien leaders.”

Shiro giggled. “It’s not that bad. Do you want me to put you down now?”

“No. I live here now. Forever.”

Shiro giggled again. “I’ll pick you up every day. Let me put you down now.”

“No. I stay here now. This is my home.”

Shiro put him down.

“Hey!” Curtis exclaimed indignantly.

Shiro kissed his cheek to pacify him and it worked, if only a little. “I promise.”

Curtis reluctantly gave in. “All right, fine.”

“Can you lock up after me? I’m later for work than I’ve ever been.”

“You’re going to work and leave me here?”

“You’re destroying my self control, Curtis.”

“New love.” He shrugged. He took Shiro by the cheeks and kissed his forehead. “I’ll lock up. See you at work, Takashi.”

Shiro grinned dreamily, leaning towards him.

“Hm. It’ll take time getting used to that name.”

“Yeah.” He giggled.

Watching Curtis stroll up to the chair to gather his things, Shiro hesitated. He could go to work later, when he was actually supposed to. Then he shook his head. Work, for Shiro, meant the war and there was no compromising in this war. He could nibble on Curtis’s arm later.

Notes:

welp
hope this is cute. this was supposed to be cute.
let me know what you think. thanks again for reading. :P haha

Chapter 29: Chapter 29

Notes:

chopped up another chapter cause i was distracted and accidentally wrote a 3k chapter.
i hated this chapter. absolutely hated it. hope you guys hate it too.

also, i read your comments and yes shiro is going to turn curtis into his personal chew toy. that is a decision that i've made and i'll stick by it. i'm sorry i'm very busy still and havent been able to reply. maybe i will this week. hopefully. thanks so much for sticking around ;-; i love you guys so much. honestly i was in bed pretty late cause i didnt want to live through the day and then i read your comments in the last chapter and i arose from the bed like a vampire rising from their coffin in those old movies and pounced on my laptop to write more.

Shiro liked to consider himself to be a fairly confident man. He was confident in his abilities to fight, he was confident of his limits, of his ability to push through and achieving their goal by hook or by crook, he was confident in his ability to lead his team, both Voltron and Atlas, to victory. He was also confident in his ability to please alien delegates, albeit with some help, and he was confident in his ability to befriend any leader of the Coalition, even the most difficult of them. His people skills were still rusty from his time in space, but he knew how to navigate through a conversation and derive an alliance.

And yet when it came to his personal relations, Shiro found himself failing quite often. Veronica told him that he was doing quite well but he sometimes had the feeling that she was just saying that to make him less worse. Although that was debatable as she has always been quite honest.

The personal relation in question, Curtis Sharma, has not yet complained once so Shiro continued to do what he could and hoped for the best. He was still learning that he has told Curtis as much.

This was the first time he was completely out of his depths even before he began this conversation with Curtis. And Curtis’s tense frown did not help.

Shiro sat scratching his prosthetic wrist uncomfortably, a habit he had developed after the Galra took his bracelet and could not seem to let go. Curtis continued to frown at the floor, his legs crossed and his hands placed carefully on his lap. It was a position he had seen Sanda keep before she threatened someone. It appeared as though Curtis was gathering the appropriate and kind words to fire Shiro. “Curtis?” he asked timidly.

He looked up. “Hm?”

“What do you think?”

“I think I should leave this on you,” he said firmly. “This affects you more than me. So the final decision should be yours.”

Shiro hesitated. “People will know. Everyone will know.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“They’ll talk.”

Curtis blinked, surprised. “I thought you were going to mention that it would be dangerous for me.”

“That’s a given.” Shiro sighed. “But I don’t know. I don’t want… they - they look up to me, you know? At least the paladins. Excluding Allura.”

“Who are you going to tell?”

“I haven’t decided yet. Keith maybe? He deserves to know before the others. He’s like a brother to me.” Shiro leaned back and pondered on it.

Curtis sighed heavily. “I hope they like me.”

“Why wouldn’t they?” Shiro asked, confused.

Curtis laughed. “You’re going to tell your family about us. I’m worried.”

Shiro paused. “They’re my family?”

“Aren’t they?” His grin fell.

Shiro rubbed his neck and thought back. He has never had a family. Not really. His parents died so long ago he barely remembered them, and then his grandfather died soon after he joined the Garrison. The only person he called his family had been Adam, and even then, around the end, Adam had told him that they were no longer what they had believed they were. Would it be fair to put the same burden that drove Adam so far away from him on the paladins? Sam and Matt had almost become his family and what happened to them? “Let’s not go that far,” Shiro murmured.

Curtis frowned, slowly nodding. “I always thought you guys were family.”

“Maybe. But I’d rather not…” Shiro paused. “Every time I’ve called someone my family something wrong happened to them.”

“Oh.” Curtis turned away, his eyes wide.

“Let’s not jinx it.” Shiro chuckled.

It was decided that Shiro would tell Keith first and see how he responded. If he seemed fine with the idea of Shiro being in a relationship, they would proceed from there and inform the others. Shiro wondered how they would react. Did they see him that way? To be someone to have a private life? For them Shiro was their leader, the former black paladin. Did they see him as anything more than that? He could not imagine. He doubted they were even that close.

The opportunity arose a few days later after a mission. The paladins had finished debrief and were finally milling out of the paladins’ lounge. Shiro called Keith back. Allura paused as well, but before Shiro or Keith could say anything she took one hard look at them and stepped out after the others. Shiro wondered what that meant.

“What’s up, Shiro?” Keith asked.

Shiro eyed his suit. Keith still wore the red paladin’s suit. The black paladin’s suit sat in the cabinet in the storage in the paladins’ locker, which Shiro had not opened since he put it there. Keith, too, had not asked for it and Shiro had not been able to part from it. It was oddly materialistic of him, he knew. After everything that Shiro has been through, one of the most important changes they have brought in him is his dismissal of materialistic things. Another reason he kept his rooms empty. He rarely felt the desire to have possessions that were not useful and practical.

Except for a few things, like his old paladin’s suit. He still imagined that someday he would don it again and fly the Black Lion, lead his team once more, as he has always done. Even though he knew perfectly well that would never happen.

“Good job today,” Shiro told him, smiling.

Keith beamed, gazing up at Shiro. “Thanks, Shiro. Everyone did great.”

“Everyone did. And you’re learning. You guys won’t need me anymore pretty soon.” He chuckled.

Keith seemed unsure, his smile faltering.

“I know you never wanted this, but I want you to know that even then, you’re doing great. I’m very proud of you.”

Keith seemed unconvinced. “I’m not you. I can’t be great like you.” He shook his head.

“No, you’re going to be better than me. You’re getting real training for it. I didn’t.”

Keith looked up. “Shiro… The team… and the universe, no one will ever follow me the way they still follow you.”

Shiro shook his head. “That’ll change. The universe will forget about me. I’m not the black paladin anymore. You are.”

Keith frowned. “The universe will forget about the war but they won’t forget about you.” He stepped forward. “I can’t be like that.”

“I know what it feels like, Keith.” Shiro placed a hand on his shoulder. “I know you feel like you’re failing. That you’re going to fail spectacularly any moment. But your team believes in you. They’ve put their trust on you. And you’ve been there for them. Every single time now.” He smiled gently. “I know it feels like you’re not good enough. It always feels like that. But that’s a part of having this much responsibility.”

Keith lowered his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.”

Shiro nodded. “You’re doing your best.”

Keith gave him a look of pure disappointed and Shiro had to grin. “You always knew what to do.”

Shiro shook his head. “I still don’t know what I’m doing sometimes. Most of the times, actually. That’s just what it feels like. You never know what’s going to happen. Whether you’re right to make this decision or not. In the end you just make the decision that seem right, and proceed from there. If things don’t turn out right, you do everything you can to fix it. That’s just all there is to it. And you’re doing it.”

Keith looked down at his feet, still distressed. “Would you follow me, Shiro? Someday?”

Shiro dropped his hand, surprised. He doubted he would be able to keep himself from correcting Keith today. But someday? In the future, when Keith no longer needed Shiro? “Of course, Keith. I have as much faith on you as you do on me.”

Keith looked up again, but he still looked dismayed. “I hope that day never comes. I don’t want to remain the leader of anything forever. It’s not my thing. It’s - it’s yours. I think if you still don’t fly the Black Lion, Lance should. After me.”

Shiro did not know how to respond to that. What Keith did after this war, Shiro could not stop him. If he chose to never fly the Black Lion, and the universe no longer needed Voltron, then Shiro could not ask Keith to remain a paladin. And if the thought of resigning kept Keith hopeful and motivated then that, too, Shiro had no right to take away.

As he watched Keith leave, Shiro realised that he had not told Keith like he had planned to.

“Maybe they don’t want to know about this, you know?” Shiro spoke suddenly that night, after work.

Veronica and Curtis exchanged a glance that Shiro has come to recognise, especially have shared similar glances with them himself.

“I don’t see the point of forcing this information down their throats.” Shiro shrugged. He started eating again, stuffing his mouth with rice.

“Why would you be forcing this information down their throats?” Veronica asked, concerned and confused.

Shiro shrugged again but did not answer. He wanted to make it appear nonchalant so as not to bother them either. This was his anxiety, not theirs. They were simply being kind enough to listen.

“I know I said this is your decision,” Curtis spoke, frowning, “but I want to butt in now. I think this is important info. I want them to know about me. I want them to know about our relationship. It feels like I’m keeping a secret from them.”

Shiro lowered his spoon and looked up, wide-eyed. He had not even considered Curtis’s feelings. Veronica glanced nervously between the two of them.

“But that’s just what I think.” Curtis shrugged as well. “The final decision still rests on you.”

Shiro slowly put the rice into his mouth, barely tasting it. Shiro would try once more. One more time. It was simply his faith on Curtis that made him take that decision. He did not want to hurt Curtis’s feelings and he did not want to treat him as a secret. Some days he wanted to place Curtis on a throne and carry him around on his shoulders with a poster slapped on Shiro’s forehead declaring his love for this beautiful man.

Curtis was right. One more time. Just one more time.

Notes:

shiro no
shiro
shiro they love you
please
dont hide curtis like a dark fantasy

:'3

let me know what you think.
i'm not very happy with this chapter and i hope to improve things after this. thanks so much for reading. :'3 luv u gaiz

Chapter 30: Chapter 30

Notes:

standbi_peasant07 ;-; thank you so much for every thing you've said. i wish i had the time to respond but i'm always in such a rush these days. thanks so much. i legit fucking cried holy fuck. and every one else too omg ;-; you guys ;-; wth thanks so much. i promise i'll get back to responding when i have the time.

also, i was thinking about how different keith is in this fic and the main fic and yet they're the same. i almost kinda fucked up my keiths lmao. anyway, new chapter alert for the main adashi fic! finally! lmao. i'm writing as much as i can despite the time issues and so they're a bit more clunky than usual :|

anyway. here ye go huhuhuh enjoy

The next time Shiro found the opportunity to speak with Keith was quite a few days later right after another mission. Shiro had dismissed them from the meeting hall and he knew Keith would be at the paladins’ lounge. Hopefully alone.

As Shiro entered the lounge he bumped right into Keith almost knocking him over. Keith stumbled and gasped up at him, “Shiro! I didn’t see you there!”

Shiro smiled, immediately wishing he had not come over with an air of such authority and importance. “I didn’t either, buddy,” he said casually with the hope that Keith would not see his tension. It worked.

Keith laughed a little. “You needed something?”

He blinked, surprised. Then Shiro realised he did not spend much time with the team anymore, especially at the lounge. It filled him with an unbearable sadness, realising how far he has drifted from the people he had believed to be own family, a family he built on his own. Curtis was wrong then.

Shiro forced a smile through that haze of sadness and said, “Just dropping by. Everything good?”

Keith seemed to buy that. “Yeah. It’s good.”

“Great job today. I think you’re doing a much better job with the new bayard now.” Shiro nodded encouragingly. He missed the bayard that he never had the opportunity to actually use it, but it felt good that if he could not have it then it should be Keith.

Keith lowered his eyes shyly, nodding. “Thanks, Shiro.”

“Tell the guys they did great, too. Lance was incredible today. I’ll have to tell him that when I find him.”

“He was.” He glanced around as though Lance would overhear him praising him.

Shiro glanced over Keith’s head and saw no one else. The room was still a mess, however, with all the colourful armours strewn about. Shiro decided he would have to bring the others back and make them tidy their things. He could not have them leave extra unnecessary work for the cleaners.

“Oh, and Allura and I were talking on our way back, and she said we should try another training mission.” He looked up at Shiro, waiting for his order.

“What do you want to do?” Shiro asked instead.

Keith shrugged. “I don’t know. I wanted to take on a mission with mom. If the guys are going on a training mission or on a break, I wanna go with the Blades.”

Shiro paused, nodding slowly. “Do the Blades have anything for you and Krolia?”

He shook his head. “Not really. And even if they don’t, I want to train with them. There are a few things I haven’t perfected yet.”

Shiro shrugged. “Well, you’re the black paladin now. It’s your call.”

Keith’s face slackened. “Come on, Shiro. You’re the leader. I take orders from you.”

“And you’re the black paladin. They’re your team.” Shiro smiled. Seeing Keith’s grimace filled him with dread. And yet there was a part of him that seemed to take that as proof that he, Shiro, should be in the Black Lion. He was worried for Keith, and the team. He remembered seeing them fumble through without him after the battle against Zarkon, from his seat in the Black Lion’s consciousness. They needed him, Shiro, him to be the black paladin, to lead them. Keith was not yet ready. He needed more time. It was not fair for anyone to not let Shiro be the black paladin.

But Shiro was not the black paladin. He was no longer the pilot of the Black Lion. It was Keith now. And it was Shiro’s responsibility to make sure that Keith did his job well and lead the team in his place. No, not in his place. This was Keith’s place now. Keith, no matter what he said, was now the true black paladin, not Shiro. If Shiro wanted to fly her, he would be flying her in Keith’s place.

“I don’t - I’m not like that, Shiro,” Keith told him desperately. “Just - just - can’t you decide what to do? Can’t you tell me what I should do?” When Shiro remained silent, he said nervously, “Should I go with them?”

Shiro smiled at him allowing him to make his own decision.

“Should we go on a training mission at all?” he asked even more uncertain.

“Take your time, buddy.”

“No! Argh! Shiro, come on!” He groaned. “I can’t do this!”

“You have time to think about this. Let me know what you decide and why. We can discuss after that.”

“That’s not gonna - you always make decisions on the go, you don’t sit down for two days to decide whether we should go on a training mission and who should come.”

“You’re not trying to become a leader like me, Keith.” Shiro frowned. He was already allowing Keith to take the conversation away from him. “And, honestly, Keith, it doesn’t feel like you’re making the right decision. Like I said, you decide what you think is right and stick by it. You can never really know what’s the right one until it happens.”

Keith thought about it. “This is a training mission, though. What could go wrong?”

“You tell me.”

“Now you’re just -- urgh!” Keith crossed his arms fuming.

Shiro smiled fondly. He was glad that Keith has the opportunity to ask Shiro for advice and then grumble about it. He wondered if the reason Shiro became who he was today because he had no none to fall back on. If Keith made a mistake, Keith knew very well that Shiro would fix things, that he would even stop Keith from making that decision. The promise ‘Voltron is stronger now than ever’ was true when it came from Keith. Because now the black paladin has someone to protect him, someone to hold him fast if he fell, someone to make sure he was not making the wrong decision. Even when Keith was not with Shiro, he could depend on simply coming back and having Shiro take care of him, of his mistakes. To make sure that he did not suffer through his consequences alone. That’s where Keith’s strength came from.

“Let’s get back to it when you’re done,” Shiro promised. Keith slumped. “Have you talked to the guys yet?”

“Just Allura and Coran.”

“Talk to the team. Ask their advice. You’re not in this alone.”

“You did all on your own.”

“Again, Keith --”

“Yeah. I get it.” His head seemed to recede into his shoulders, his neck disappearing, as he scrunched up his shoulder and pouted miserably.

“Moving on,” Shiro said, laughing. “If you see Pidge, let her know Colleen’s looking for her. For some reason, she can’t reach her comms and I know she’s done something and she’s now hiding. But I told Colleen I’ll take care of it. So maybe she should see me first. Soon. I can’t hold Colleen back for long.”

Keith glanced back into the room but did not say anything.

“And before I leave, I just, ah, wanted to let you know that…” Shiro paused for a moment. He had intended for this to be casual and nonchalant and he was already fumbling. Keith instantly turned to him sharply noticing his tone or maybe the pause. “Let you - let you know that I’m in a relationship.”

Four heads peeked over the couch facing the other wall and gazed at Shiro. Shiro frowned. “Wha…?”

“Wait, I wasn’t supposed to know that?” Keith asked, confused.

Shiro frowned harder. “Wha - you know?”

“Yeah?” He turned back to the others. All were present except Coran. “They know, too.”

“Guys?” Shiro turned to them over Keith’s head.

They glanced at each other, confused as well, and shrugged. “We have always know, have we not?” Allura said uncertainly. “Were we not supposed to?”

“...how?” Shiro asked, nervously.

They paused once more. “You and Curtis have been conspiring together for over a year now,” Lance told him.

Shiro gaped at him.”How do you even know it’s Curtis?” he asked.

“Don’t say conspire, Lance,” Allura scolded him. “Pidge told us you two have been meeting in secret and we knew.”

Pidge flinched, throwing Shiro a terrified glance. Shiro was too shocked to reprimand her. “I never said any such thing,” she told Shiro immediately. “Allura’s lying.”

“Do not lie, Pidge,” Allura told her sternly.

“Besides, dude,” Hunk added, “Curtis has been giving you the goo goo eyes since the Atlas launched.”

“No, that has been like that much further back,” Coran announced as he stepped into the room from the attached toilet, comms pad in hand.

“Indeed.” Allura nodded.

“How do you know it’s Curtis?” Shiro demanded.

“Isn’t that why you asked me join you two?” Keith asked suddenly.

“Oh, yeah!” Lance exclaimed. “You took Keith to the museum with you and Curtis to show Curtis off? Did you forget?”

They all looked at him carefully, as though concerned. Shiro had had his brain messed with before.

“We were friends then,” Shiro told them quietly.

“Really?” Pidge turned to Keith with an accusing glance. “Keith, you said --”

“Curtis was giving him the looks!” Keith exclaimed loudly.

“What looks?!” Shiro demanded.

“He literally tried to ask you out while I was looking at the menu?!” Keith’s voice rose, his face contorted in shock and confusion. He had his hands out, gesturing wildly.

“Keith, no!” Shiro scolded him. “He was talking about - he was talking about something else entirely! This is why I tell you not to eavesdrop!”

Keith quietened weakly. “I didn’t mean it,” he mumbled feebly.

“Either way, we need to change,” Allura announced, standing up.

“What were you guys doing anyway, down there?” Shiro asked.

They glanced at each other once more. “Nothing, nothing,” they all murmured. Slowly, they milled out of the room, Keith and Pidge grumbling. Shiro knew he had to speak with Pidge could not bring himself to do it just yet. He needed to take a few minutes to settle down, gather his thoughts and decide what he felt and what he wanted to feel.

Coran lingered behind, his expressionless eyes on Shiro. Shiro waited, shifting his feet uncomfortably. When the others had left and the door hissed shut, Coran stepped up to him.

“Shiro, tell me the truth,” he said, observing him carefully. “Do you love Curtis?” Coran asked, peering at him.

 

Notes:

:') let me know what you think. it's past 2am and i'm exhausted. thanks so much for reading and commeting again. ;-; i feel like i could die in peace now lmao
thanks again

Chapter 31: Chapter 31

Notes:

Shiro has a secret dark fantasy. it is Curtis. his boyfriend. don't let it die, standbi_peasant07. and thank you for your comment again. ;-; the best way for me to respond to the kind comments is to keep updating as much as i can.

so here's another.
we have curtis here too :) enjoy!

 

“Shiro, tell me the truth,” Coran asked Shiro. He took a step forward, his moustache trembling and his right eye seemed to twitch slightly. It was a question of great importance, Shiro could tell and he too braced himself. “Do you love Curtis?” he asked carefully.

Shiro flinched. For a few seconds his voice failed him. So did his brain.

He was grateful to have friends such as them, for their being understanding, and he appreciated that they had not yet completely forgotten him. He liked that they did think of him as something more than just Shiro the Hero, the former black paladin. But he was not sure whether he liked the way they had slipped out of the room, even though until that point Shiro had been hoping for exactly that. He did not blame them, partly because it was expected and partly because at least until then Shiro had been hoping for it. He should be grateful, in fact.

And now Coran had just thrown him with this heavy question. And why?

“That’s a… loaded question, Coran,” Shiro said finally, lowering his eyes.

“Perhaps it is rather forthcoming to ask you out of the blue.” Coran nodded understandingly. “But marriage a big decision, Shiro, and unless you’re --”

“Whoa, whoa! Wait! Coran!” Shiro gestured frantically. “No one’s said anything about marriage! I’m not getting married!”

“Oh?” He paused. “I see. This is a purely physical thing then?”

Shiro let out a little involuntary gasp. “No. It’s not.”

Coran’s eyes widened and he quickly patted Shiro’s shoulder. “Think of nothing, Shiro. You can talk to me about anything. I understand you must be quite inexperienced. I’m not a human and I will not pretend to know anything about human sexual intercourse besides what human-oriented sex education the Garrison --”

“Coran. I haven’t had sex with Curtis even once and I don’t plan on doing anything any time soon.”

“Oh?” He paused once more. “Is that common for you?” He quickly shook his head. “I’m sorry, I’m only trying to understand. I want you to know you can fall back on me if anything happens. You have friends.”

Shiro fumbled, scratching his neck and glancing away. He had the urge to bow for some reason. Still unsure how to respond, he nodded and said politely, “Thanks, Coran, I appreciate that.”

Coran put his hands on his hips and exhaled through his nose, giving Shiro a frown. “Something tells me you won’t tell me if anything happened. You never said anything about Adam, after all.”

Shiro’s eyes snapped up.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought him up.” Coran grimaced apologetically.

“I didn’t realise you knew about him,” Shiro muttered.

“Well, we all do actually.” He shrugged. Seeing Shiro’s surprise, Coran smiled. “You don’t give us enough credit. We know more than you think.”

“Oh.” Shiro looked down. What was he supposed to say now? Thank him? He wanted to thank Coran but he was not sure for what. A part of him wished none of them knew about Adam and another part was grateful that they did.

Coran placed a hand on his shoulder, his eyes soft. “I’ve lost someone very important as well.”

Shiro looked up, wide-eyed.

Coran placed a finger on his lips and shushed him. “This is between you and me.”

Shiro nodded quickly.

Coran grinned, winking at him conspiratorially. Then his grin fell. “When I heard you’d lost Adam, I knew what you must be experiencing.”

Shiro wondered why Coran had not approached him then, why he did not say anything.

“I don’t want you to go through that again. If you need help to make sure Curtis remains in line --”

“Oh!” Shiro started, suddenly realising the purpose of this conversation. “Curtis isn’t --”

“We all think like that at first. I don’t want you to be unhappy. You deserve something nice after all, and falling in love is the perfect sort of happiness. I imagine. For a human.”

“It’s not too bad.”

“Not too terrible, yes. But you’re young. A mere child.”

“I’m actually an adult by human standards.”

“Are you?”

Shiro pursed his lips, squinting and wondering what Coran meant by that. Whether that was a genuine question or whether that was rhetorical.

“Either way, Shiro, you’re young. And young people don’t realise sometimes where they need to draw the lines. And you don’t seem to strike me as someone who’s very good at expressing oneself.” He eyed Shiro carefully. “You tend to keep things to yourself and while that’s a good strategy in certain situations, in a marriage --”

“Not a marriage --”

“Regardless. In such a situation, keeping to oneself is concerning.” He paused, frowning at Shiro. “If you need a hand, Shiro, do not hesitate, my dear.”

Shiro swallowed. His eyes stung and it took herculean effort to maintain his composure. He nodded, pursing his lips tightly.

“That’s my boy.” He slapped Shiro on the arm and squeezed his shoulder. “You have friends. Understand that.”

“I know. Thanks, Coran.”

Coran pulled away and nodded, satisfied and then paused once more, frowning suspiciously at Shiro. “Although I don’t believe that you’d actually talk to me. But I’m going to hope that you do. Can’t do anything more than that.” He nodded again, slapping Shiro on the arm again. “If you need me, you know where to find.” He winked at Shiro again and stepped out.

Shiro stood staring at the closed door for a long time, struggling to swallow the painful lump in his throat. His eyes were still burning and stinging and he had to blink a lot to keep his tears back. It was only after he had successfully driven away the tears than he remembered that he has been trying to cry for a long time. When the chance truly came, Shiro could not bring himself to do it.

Instead, he too stepped out and returned to his office to work.

It was much later that Curtis visited him. Shiro quickly got up to make tea for Curtis. Curtis was already chattering as Shiro boiled the water, gazing at the swirling dark leaves in it and straining to listen to Curtis. He was too distracted.

Then finally Curtis said, “What’s up with you? Are you OK?”

Shiro glanced at him and tried to be busy with the mugs.

“Takashi?” Curtis called, peering at him over the back of the couch.

Shiro sighed and turned to Curtis, his eyes welling.

Curtis gaped at him for a moment and then sprang up. “Takashi?! What happened?!” He rushed up to Shiro and took his face in his hands, stroking his cheeks.

Shiro was startled to find himself being comforted when he had expected Curtis be, at the very least, uncomfortable, and trying to run away. He had not even wanted Curtis to comfort him, let alone pet him this way. He had not been comforted in so long he did not even remember what it felt like. This was new.

Shiro’s eyes overflowed, spilling onto his cheeks and he tried to get away, embarrassed.

Curtis would not have it. Instead, he put his arms around Shiro allowing him to hide his face in Curtis’s shoulder and pressed a kiss on his head. “Takashi, what’s going on? What happened?” he asked almost pleadingly.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled irritably. He had been hoping to cry and now that the tears were spilling, he regretted it. He did not want Curtis to be burdened by his problems.

“Why? Why?!” Curtis’s voice rose at first and then he lowered it. “Why are you sorry?” he asked softly.

“I’m sorry.” He sniffed, wiping his nose on Curtis’s collar and regretting again.

But Curtis did not protest. “Oh, no, no, Takashi. It’s OK. It’s all right. I’m here. Here, come here. I’m here. It’s OK.”

Shiro nodded weakly.

“Will you tell me what’s going on? What made you cry?”

Shiro worked his mouth for a moment. “I told the guys about us.”

“Oh, no.”

“No, they were fine. They knew apparently.”

“O - oh? Oh?”

“Coran said I can talk to him. Like - like he’s worried about me… about me losing Adam. And - and - and about us, you and me.” Shiro explained everything Coran had told him and pulled away, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

Curtis gave him a his handkerchief and then wiped Shiro’s tears as best as he could with only his hands and pressed a few kisses on his forehead and cheeks.

Shiro remained silent when he was done talking, with his head hung low in embarrassment.

“That’s so nice of him,” Curtis said, smiling. “Is that why you’re crying?”

He nodded, scratching his cheek.

“Aww. That’s sweet. That’s nice of him, yeah.” He put his arms around Shiro again and held him tightly. “You scared me for a bit there. I’m glad it’s a good thing.”

“Hm. Sorry about all that.”

“Are you sorry about crying?”

Shiro was silent.

Curtis sighed. “Don’t be sorry about crying, Takashi. Would you have me apologise for crying?”

Shiro gripped Curtis’s shirt and shook his head.

“Well. There you go then.”

They stood silently for a while, holding each other in their arms.

“So now we’re public, huh,” Shiro muttered, his voice slightly coarse still.

Curtis laughed, scratching his scalp. “Hm. Yeah.”

“Time to be a big boy.”

Curtis shuddered, startling Shiro. “Oof, I’m terrified. People are going to tell me how bad I am for you. All across the universe eventually.”

Shiro squeezed him tighter and kissed his neck. “Firstly, you’re the amazingest. And it should be the other way around, frankly. And secondly, screw them. And thirdly, I don’t think they’ll tell people. I’ll talk to them once more. Let them know that it’s still a secret. That they’re just the ones who need to know and no one else.”

Curtis sighed. “Yes. Please do. Thanks.”

Shiro wiped his nose on Curtis’s collar again.

“I gave you my hanky.”

Shiro only grunted and went on wiping. When he was done, he moved to the other shoulder and finding it clean buried his face there with a content sigh. Curtis rubbed his cheek against Shiro’s head. Shiro was so content, and so full of bliss, he opened his mouth and bit his boyfriend lightly on the shoulder.

Curtis jolted but not as shocked as he had previously and Shiro held on.

Shiro chuckled and moved to his neck, pressing a kiss and then to his cheek for another kiss. “Thanks.”

“You, too.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You’re welcome, too.”

Notes:

shiro x crying is canon (jk, only possible here. dreamworks fucked up shiro's arc and i'll never forgive them for it. )
sooo.... coran's doing his best. guess shiro needs to... take a look at that huh.

anyway as always this is completely unproofread and unedited. i just went back and fixed a paragraph but i know there's more. there's always more. but i literally have no time to do anythng. :(

thanks again for reading. let me know what you guys think. :3

Chapter 32: Chapter 32

Notes:

I feel like i've been gaining like 5 kgs every day. one month and none of my clothes fit. what the fuck. clothes arent free man. i spent money on them ;-; time to drag my ass off the bed and exercise.

btw, here's more. some curtashi. some.... random shit. idk. i was just messing around and came up with this.
enjoy.

Shiro was at his office after three long and grueling briefings and he wanted to focus at his paperwork. He has been trying to reduce work for Allura and it only meant more work him and him alone. There was hardly much work someone else could do in his substitute. 

When Curtis called, asking if they could meet, Shiro was unsure to let him in. “I have so much work,” Shiro said, rolling his eyes and sighing. 

“I’m bringing something to drink,” Curtis promised. “And I’ll rub your shoulders.”

Shiro stared at him and pinched at the bridge of his nose. “Do I get a kiss?”

“You want more than a massage and a drink that I made?” Curtis raised his brows.

An involuntary smile spread across his lips. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“One.” Curtis narrowed his eyes sternly.

Shiro nodded, resting his head tiredly on his fist. “All right, Lieutenant, sir.”

Curtis grinned. “Do you know how fun it is to reverse the roles?” 

“Should I be worried?”

“That I’ll take your place? I’ll need to be able to transform the Atlas first, I think. And have the paladins listen to me. Which is easy.” He shrugged.

“It’s very easy. Now I’m worried. Come over.”

“You’re going to kill me and make it look like an accident.”

“Frankly, I could actually do that.”

Curtis started laughing. “That is a genuine threat!”

“It might be.”

“All right, big guy. I can take you on. I’ll have you pinned down in two seconds. You’ll be smacking the grounded faster than you could say Voltron.”

“I won’t be smacking the ground if you were pinning me down.”

Curtis paused, frowning with a confused look on his face. “I just remembered this thing records everything.”

“It does, yeah.” Shiro shut his eyes, regretting as well. “Come over.”

“On my way, Commander.”

As soon as Shiro let Curtis in, he sauntered over to Shiro’s chair and stepped behind him and suddenly had him in a headlock. 

“Hnnrrk! Curtis, what the quizznack!” Shiro choked out, shocked.

“Hah! All that Champion, Shiro the Hero bullshit!” Curtis exclaimed loudly. “You’re not as strong as people say! Look at you now!”

“Stop! You’re gonna hurt yourself!” Shiro tried to twist around to see him but failed.

Curtis only held on tighter. “You’re a fragile little plant, Shiro! I’ve - I’ve got you now! Uh… Hm.” His grip loosened a little.

“Forgot your lines?” Shiro asked gently.

“Hang on. Lemme think. Um.”

“Take your time.” 

“Uh - s - t - um - I can’t do this. You’re the one who’s done performances. You say something.”

“Oh hell no! Curtis! Those are - you’ve watched those?!”

“Say something!”

Shiro threw his hands. “Urgh! I don’t know. Um. You can’t - you can’t defeat me!”

Curtis sputtered out a laugh and released him instantly. “How do you do that?!” he demanded, clutching his side and wheezing.

“Do what?” Shiro finally turned around to look at him.

“Keep a straight face while saying that!” Curtis sat down on the desk. “That’s some talent right there.”

Shiro shrugged. “I’ve dabbled in the entertainment industry before. Under Haggar’s care.”

Curtis’s grin fell slowly. 

Shiro laughed, wrapping his arms around his waist, grinning up at him.

“You startled me.” Curtis kissed his forehead. 

“That was the plan. I’ll try my hand in acting someday. We could do a movie together.” Shiro buried his face into Curtis’s chest.

“Well, you have a chance now.”

Shiro looked up. “What?”

“You know Ryan is making that documentary, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re still a background character. We can’t have the captain of this ship as a background character in Ryan’s documentary.”

Shiro frowned. “This is about them, though, isn’t it? He’s recording the life on board Atlas.”

“That includes you, too.” Curtis tapped his nose. “I offered to talk to you. You could do a proper interview. Or, I’ve asked this specifically for your sake, you could just send in a video or a few maybe and let him decide.”

Shiro buried his face into Curtis again.

He laughed. “Just one little video at least. If you don’t satisfy him, he’s going to eventually ask for an interview. And I’m sure you don’t want to look like a strict and boring commander, do you?”

“Do I have a choice?” he grunted.

“You’ll ruin his documentary, that is a choice. If you want to take it.”

Shiro sighed. “He could talk to me himself, you know. Am I really that intimidating?”

“You’re the captain of this ship, Takashi. And they’re kids.”

“The paladins don’t find me that intimidating.”

“Cause they’re your friends.” He laughed.

Shiro sighed again. “Where’s Ryan? I’m fixing this. And you’re coming with me.”

“Oh, we’re going public public?”

“He won’t be doing anything with it until after the war, and even then it’ll take a long time to release it. I think after the war we can come out as a couple.” Shiro looked up and received another boop on the nose. “Is that OK?”

“It’s good, yes.”

Finally, a meeting was arranged with Ryan Kinkade within the next few days and when Shiro and Curtis appeared, they found Rizavi present as well, positively vibrating. Kinkade beside her was his usual stoic self but even then his excitement filtered through the cracks. Shiro smiled at them and they sat down before a table. A camera was already set up facing them and another one was in Rizavi’s hand, ready to take in every thing.

“So what’re we doing?” Shiro asked cheerfully.

Rizavi gave him the largest grin he had ever seen and gesticulating vaguely, said, “We want to keep things simple! And we promise it’ll be short!”

“We don’t want to make mistakes, sir,” Kinkade told him firmly. “We want to keep things comfortable.”

“He means chill,” Rizavi translated. “We want to keep things chill.”

“You’re working on this project, too, Rizavi?” Shiro asked, surprised.

“I’m just helping him.” She gave him a fond grin, nudging his arm. He seemed utterly unperturbed, his fingers fiddling with the cameras. “He needs help focusing.”

“I don’t,” Kinkade answered sternly.

Shiro nodded. “I see. Do we need a script? Or…”

“Oh, no, no!” She shook her head and hands vigorously. “This is not going to be what Coran makes at all! We’re going to keep things simple and realistic. We just want to show what we do here. Everyday. Nothing spectacular.”

“We…” Kinkade started and then stopped, glancing at Curtis. Curtis gave him a blank smile and glanced at Shiro. “We… thought about what we’re going to do, and we don’t want to bother you too long --”

“It’s all right,” Shiro said against his wishes. Why? Why? He realised he would not have said that if Kinkade was a bit older. 

Kinkade paused, jolting slightly. He looked at the camera and back at Shiro. “That would be great, sir. Thank you.”

“No problem.” He grinned at Rizavi’s wide mouthed bafflement.

“We had a plan though,” he went on. “We were just going to start with something simple. Ask a few questions. For now. And to make it look more natural and fun, we’re going to bring in some dishes. I made them in a hurry so I hope that’s all right.”

“I’m sure they’re great, Kinkade,” Shiro told him warmly.

They sighed with relief. Shiro turned to Curtis and gave him a proud smile, delighted that things were going smoothly. Curtis returned it with a grin. 

Shiro wondered what would people think when this would actually come out, far in the future, after they had captured Haggar. When the paladins were no longer the ‘defenders of the universe’, and ordinary pilots. Would Shiro and Curtis still be together? Would Shiro still be alive? He doubted it. Or if he lived, would he have another scar to show for it? He hoped he would have the chance to do something different -- fly a ship, to be specific. Maybe he could buy a hoverbike and do something with that. 

And then the documentary would come out and they would all, whoever was still around, and remember. He could already feel the nostalgia of the future, just as how he remembered Adam and his life before Kerberos.

Notes:

heh

more in the next chapter.
thanks for reading. let me know what you think.

Chapter 33: Chapter 33

Notes:

continuing from the previous chapter.
:) enjoy

Within moments of setting up the camera, their features changed. Rizavi lost her loud cheeriness and became a bit more somber and polite. While Kinkade turned into a more cheerful and excited version of himself, with more words and expressions Shiro and Curtis had ever seen on him before.

Shiro and Curtis exchanged glances and wondered how much of their documentary was authentic. It was not possible to be perfectly faithful to one’s reality, and although they had come with that idea in mind, it was still a bit unnerving to witness it happen in real time. It took, however, only a few minutes to settle into the new atmosphere, with the new Kinkade and the new Rizavi.

They brought some pastries and scones and, to his surprise, a little plate of absolutely delicious looking chicken legs. Curtis licking his lips tucked his hands between his thighs to keep himself from touching it. But Shiro gave in and touched one chicken leg with his good finger and licked it. “Ryan, you’re a very good chef!” he exclaimed.

Kinkade, who had been working with the lights, froze. He took a moment to gaze at Shiro and then looked down. Drawing a deep breath, he nodded. “Thank you, sir.”

“Aww, you’re blushing, Ryan!” Rizavi giggled, poking his cheek.

The discussion began simple. Kinkade wanted Shiro to talk about how he became the captain of this and instead of simply relaying what had happened factually Shiro was supposed to tell the story from his perspective, including how he felt and what he was thinking, what he wanted to do.

“I was surprised when the Atlas transformed,” Shiro said quietly, thinking back. “Honestly, I didn’t think that was possible. It makes me wonder if the Castleship could’ve able to do something like that. Or maybe Sam just did something absolutely incredible. Which is believable.”

“What were you feeling when it transformed?” Kinkade asked. “It must’ve been something very new. After the Black Lion.”

Shiro paused, glancing at the camera. Curtis’s hand squeezed his discreetly under the table. Shiro smiled, nodding. “It’s very different from a Lion, I’ll admit. What the Atlas does is, it connects the gem in my hand with the --” He paused, looking at the camera again. “I don’t think I’ll talk about how the Atlas works on a documentary.”

“We’ll cut that out,” Rizavi promised.

“And we actually wanted to know what your feelings were, sir,” Kinkade explained. “Your thoughts. More than how the Atlas transforms.”

“Oh. Well.”

Curtis laughed. “He said it’s like fart that won’t come out.”

Kinkade looked too shocked to respond and Rizavi spat out a laugh, wiping her mouth and wheezing into her palm. “Cut! Cut!” she choked out.

Kinkade turned to Shiro for permission.

Shiro sighed heavily. “You can keep that in.”

“Holy shit, really?!” Rizavi exclaimed. “Is that what it feels like? Farting?”

“No.” Shiro frowned at her, embarrassed. “It was a metaphor. Not a comparison.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?” Curtis asked.

“Curtis…” Shiro sighed again, leaning back. He picked up a glass and took a sip of the orange juice. Licking his lips a few times, he sighed once more. “It’s more like the action of it than the sensation. Or - or, I mean, an actual fart. Great, now I’ve said fart on camera for the universe to hear. Now I’ve said it again.”

Curtis choked on laughter, squeezing his eyes shut and Rizavi joined him.

“Is it all right if I kept that in?” Kinkade asked politely.

“Is it - yeah, sure. All right.” Shiro took another sip to sooth his nerves.

“We’re ruining his reputation,” Curtis muttered to Rizavi, who bit her lips vehemently.

“And you’re doing it on purpose,” Shiro told him.

“Moving on!” Curtis said loudly at the camera.

“OK!” Rizavi, opened her pad.

“If the Atlas feels like a… fart,” Kinkade said, turning a questioning look at Shiro.

Shiro nodded, his lips pursed, and rolled his eyes involuntarily.

“What does the Black Lion feel like? I’ve heard it’s very different from the other Lions.”

Shiro paused, glancing at Rizavi. She seemed to be listening intently. “Have you asked Keith about this? I think he would know better than me because he’s piloted both the Black Lion and the Red Lion.”

“We have but he said that it’s not as different as it should be for you. Apparently the Red Lion and the Black Lion have different attitudes and that’s all.” Kinkade shrugged.

Shiro nodded, looking down at the desk. They had already finished the chicken and he could not delay his response with chewing. “The Black Lion has a mind of her own,” Shiro said finally, remembering her warm and gentle presence always surrounding his. It felt like a void where she used to be. “I think she’s also the most alive and conscious one, more so than the other Lions. Her experiences are different, too. She was Emperor Zarkon’s Lion until King Alfor managed to hide her. So she’s seen some stuff. And it was pretty hard for her to… recover. At first.” Shiro paused. Perhaps he was saying too much.

Glancing up, he found the others staring at him with odd expressions that he could only call pity. Curtis looked particularly unhappy.

Shiro smiled, shrugging. “Either way, Keith hasn’t told you everything. He’s can be pretty camera shy. I suggest putting him in an empty room and text him the questions.”

Kinkade and Rizavi laughed, but Curtis only turned away, looking still unhappy.

“The Black Lion has a lot of abilities,” Rizavi said finally, still grinning.

“She does.” Shiro nodded. “She has an affinity with the… the sky or - or rather the cosmos. She has the ability to teleport and phase through things faster than light. She can communicate with her paladin far better than the other paladins, I believe, and her memory spans to the time before she was even made. She can… save someone’s quintessence within her own. Essentially keeping someone alive after death.”

They all stared at him, gaping.

“And she does none of that for Keith Kogane,” Kinkade said thoughtfully. “Just you.”

Shiro shrugged ambiguously, not wanting to comment anything on it. It was something Coran had taught him, the necessity of ambiguity. Shiro hated it.

“Some of it,” Curtis told him carefully. “Right?” He turned to Shiro for confirmation.

Finally Shiro said, “Keith just needs some more time. It’s only been a little while that he’s starting piloting the Black Lion. The reason she showed me all this and the reason I was able to unlock her abilities was because we bonded very well. Through a lot of trials and experiences. Once Keith has spent a lot of time with her, I know for a fact that he will be able to unlock all her abilities and even more. All for himself. In fact, the black bayard’s ability to teleport is fairly new. Zarkon had not been able to do it and I did it only once. Kosmo won’t always be around to help him. And when Keith needs it, his bayard will respond. She just needs some time.”

They nodded, taking his answer truthfully.

“And the Black Lion can can save someone’s quintessence?”

“A person’s quintessence is … their soul. Essentially. And she can save that in her own, keep it within her own quintessence and consciousness after the person dies. I’m sure there are a lot of conditions to it. But it’s possible.”

“Like she did with you?” Rizavi asked quietly.

Shiro laughed, startled. “People seem to know everything about me, huh.”

She exchanged a sheepish glance with Kinkade. “Most people are pretty big fans of the black paladin,” she muttered, blushing.

“She is.” Kinkade pointed at him. “So am I, to be honest.” He pointed at himself.

“Aww, you guys!” Shiro laughed, noticing the way they did not specify that he was the former black paladin. Was that intentional?

“Which raises another question,” Curtis said suddenly.

Shiro turned to him gratefully. “What?”

“Who’s your favourite paladin?”

“Yes!” the others shouted.

“Oh, come on, Curtis, I’ve told you before! I don’t have a favourite paladin.” Shiro picked up a chocolate pasty and bit into it. Adam would have loved this one. He almost choked at that realisation, startling himself with that sudden thought. For a moment, he wanted to spit it out and leave. For a moment he thought that if he tried to swallow it, he would vomit.

It must have been evident on his face because Kinkade pushed him a napkin and said, looking thoroughly embarrassed, “I didn’t have enough ingredients or any time. I hate it as much as you do, sir.”

“No, it’s very good,” Shiro told him, smiling apologetically.

“I think his mind’s blown because of how good this is,” Curtis said, grinning.

Shiro nodded, stuffing his mouth so that he would not have to speak. “What about Curtis?” he muttered as he swallowed loudly.

“You haven’t answered yours.” He shook his head.

“I don’t have one!”

“Yes you do. Is it Keith? Lance? No, it’s Hunk. Nope! Wait, it’s Katie, isn’t it? It’s Katie.” Then he paused, turning back to Shiro with frown. “Is it Keith? Or Allura?”

Shiro shook his head. “I don’t have a favourite.”

“Is it Keith?” Kinkade asked as well.

“I’m not going to have favourites in my team.” He paused. They were no longer his team, but no one seemed to question that. He wondered once more if it was intentional. “Curtis, who’s yours?”

“Green paladin,” he answered without a moment’s thought. He turned to the camera, pointing at it. “I would show it but I don’t have it now. But I have a little bobble head doll of the Green Lion.”

“You also have one of the Black Lion,” Shiro said.

Curtis leaned back, fixing his hair busily. “That’s cause I bought it when I had a crush on you and couldn’t ask you out yet.”

Shiro’s eyes widened and he would have choked if had put that last bit of pastry in his mouth. He flushed deeply and glanced again at the camera, ignoring the others’ laughter and cooing. He rubbed his face, embarrassed. He tried to think of something to say and failed.

“Kinkade has an action figure of Commander Shirogane,” Rizavi said kindly.

“What’s your morning routine?” Kinkade asked, drawing the conversation to something else and frowning hard. Kinkade luckily was behind the camera and only Curtis and Shiro were left to blush in front of it. “Let’s continue this. We have a schedule.”

“We do not have a tight schedule!” Rizavi squealed.

Kinkade ignored her and so did Shiro. If only Curtis would stop egging her on and join Shiro’s side.

 

Notes:

Shiro's getting much better talking about himself and his experiences to people other than curtis. and he's talking in general which is good. but once again! recovery is not linear! he can't talk about a lot of other things still!

continuing in the next chapter. stay tuned!

thanks for reading. let me know what you guys think.

Chapter 34: Chapter 34

Notes:

I am beyond exhausted. for literally no reason. i slept all day. wtf.

anyway. previous chapter continues further here.
heh.
enjoy.

“So what was it like? Moving to the Garrison?” Rizavi asked. “For both of you.”

“No good food,” Shiro said.

“No dogs,” Curtis said. Then he shrugged. “I grew up with dogs and the Garrison is empty without them.”

“It’s like a theme park,” Shiro added. “Like I had moved into a fictional world where everyone was buck wild.”

“Can’t deny that.” Kinkade nodded.

“It’s nothing like Asia,” Curtis said. “No dogs anywhere.”

“Asia doesn’t have dogs everywhere,” Shiro said. “Compared to Texas. And you haven’t been all over Asia. You’ve never been to Japan.”

“I grew up with dogs, though.”

“Your family isn’t Asia, Curtis.”

“For me, back then, no. It was.” He turned to the other two behind the camera. “I come from a hot place, don’t get me wrong. But I didn’t grow up in a desert.”

“Texas isn’t entirely a desert, Curtis.”

“I mean the Garrison. Not Texas. And there were no vendors. That was so weird. No vendors around the Garrison. It’s so great to see vendors now but they’re all aliens. Keep up, America!” He pointed accusingly at the camera.

“Which also includes the food,” Shiro said. “I wish I was a good cook. I would be cooking up a storm.”

“Don’t,” Curtis said quickly. Ignoring his hurt face and the laughter from the others, he added, “I’ll do the cooking. I’ll learn Japanese dishes.”

“Commander seems very disappointed with the Garrison food,” Rizavi said, grinning.

“The Garrison has great cooks,” Shiro said hastily and received some laughter again. “It’s just… the menus aren’t Japanese.”

“For someone who sets fire to the communal kitchen every time he uses it, you are very picky with food,” Curtis said. He turned back to the camera again. “He’s like a literal puppy. You can’t expect him to do anything in the kitchen besides make a mess and then walk around like he owns the place.”

“A puppy?” Rizavi turned her planet sized eyes to Shiro.

“Why a puppy?” Shiro asked, unamused.

“Cause you’re like a - like a furless… tailless… dog. Like a - like a… Labrador. Like a Labrador.”

“That somehow doesn’t sound very cute.”

“You would woof if you could.”

“You stopped making sense a while back, Curtis. All right, guys, can we move on?”

“I have a special request, guys. When you - when you edit this video, could you please --”

“Curtis.”

“-- make him look like a little pup? Put his face on a picture of a new born Labrador?”

“Curtis, come on. Now you’re just harassing them.”

“Or maybe just - maybe just put, like, dog ears and a dog nose on him. And - and write ‘This is what Curtis Sharma sees’ right here.” Curtis gestured at Shiro’s chest.

Shiro pursed his lips giving the camera an unamused frown. “They’re not gonna do it, Curtis. They’ve got better things to do than follow through your absurd requests.”

“It’s just a matter of want.”

Shiro sighed, burying his face into his hand.

“We could vote. All in favour of a Labrador edit?” Curtis raised his hand and instantly Rizavi’s hand shot up. A moment later, Kinkade slowly raised his hand as well, looking at anything but Shiro. “Done. Court adjourned.” He slapped the table.

Shiro sighed again as heavily as his lungs would allow. “I’m a cat person.”

“Makes sense.”

Shiro sighed yet again.

“Sir, you’re a cat person?” Kinkade asked.

“I am.” He nodded hesitantly, already anxious of what he was planning.

“Is it all right if we add a little cat on this screen when you say this?” Rizavi asked.

“Sure. Where?”

“On Lieutenant Sharma’s face?”

Curtis wheezed.

“Please do. But I don’t know if he’s much like a cat.”

“I don’t know if I should be glad.”

“Now that I think about it, you do sleep a lot.”

“Excuse me? You just recharge on paperwork unlike most humans.”

“You sleep like the dead, Curtis. It’s different. And you do sleep till much later in the morning than I do.”

“Again, eight hours of sleep is normal. You sleep like one hour in two days. You’re the one who sleeps less.”

Shiro rolled his eyes. “There he goes,” he muttered and Curtis’s eyes flashed. Shiro quickly nodded. “Yes, yes, I’m trying to fix my schedule. Like I promised.”

“Like the doctor ordered, you mean.”

“Yes.” Shiro sighed once more.

“I had no idea you have a messy sleep schedule, sir,” Kinkade said. “I always imagined you slept a lot. To have that much energy all time.”

“He powers on paperwork. Like I said.” Curtis gestured at the stack of papers beside Kinkade.

“That is untrue.” Shiro frowned at him.

“Might as well be.”

“What’s next?” Shiro asked them.

Rizavi laughed. “Since we’re already on this topic, if Lieutenant Sharma sees you as a young Labrador, what animal do you see him as?”

Shiro paused wondering for a long moment what he has put himself into. He knew they would be asking silly and even very strange questions. But this was starting to get stranger than he had anticipated. He tried to think what decisions he had made that had brought him to this question before a camera.

“Are you having an existential crisis?” Curtis asked, fighting back laughter.

“No, no,” Shiro assured. “No, no…. No, no.” He turned to look at Curtis carefully. “Animal, huh.”

“It can be a bird,” Rizavi offered.

Shiro turned to her.

“I didn’t come up with this question, sir,” Kinkade said. “I’m very sorry for Rizavi’s behaviour.”

“No, it’s cool,” Curtis told him. “I’m curious, too.”

“I can’t think of any animal who’s both efficient and intelligent and also -- how about an ant?” Shiro turned to the other two.

They seemed baffled while Curtis turned away covering his mouth with his hand, wheezing again.

“An ant? An ant is very diligent and hard working, right? Intelligent and efficient. They’re capable of doing anything they want. Is that good? Curtis?”

“That’s going to the documentary,” Rizavi promised.

“Unless, sir, you’d like to change?” Kinkade said kindly.

“Nope. I said what I said.”

“Lieutenant, sir?”

“Uh… no comment.” Curtis smiled politely, dropping his wheezing instantly.

“Or maybe an octopus,” Shiro said thoughtfully.

“Final answer?” Rizavi asked.

“No, I think I’ll stick by my first answer.”

“All right. Done.”

“Let’s end this for now,” Kinkade said finally.

Shiro assumed the interview had gone too far out of his hand than he could manage. “Sorry, Kinkade,” he said sincerely feeling bad for him.

“It was great, sir,” he assured Shiro. “Anything you guys would like to say before I turn this off?”

“Uh, don’t do drugs, kids,” Curtis said, waving.

Shiro wracked his brain frantically for a final few words that could match Curtis’s.

“And Commander Shirogane?”

“Oof. Uh. Um. OK. S - uh, th - uh… Be crime… do gay.” He waved at the camera, beet red. “Turn it off, please.”

 

 

“Ant?” Curtis demanded as they headed back. “An ant?!”

“Ants are very efficient creatures, Curtis. They’re very intelligent. Just like you.” Shiro trembled with embarrassment but decided to stick by what he had said in a moment of panic.

“Thank you, but why ants?”

“Octopus?” Shiro offered.

“You’re supposed to say something cute.”

“Hey, come on. Ants are cute. Don’t tell me they’re ugly.”

“Takashi, they’re ants. You can’t see their cute faces. Am I tiny and barely visible to the naked eye?”

“No, you’re like those big spicy ants that eat meat. You know the ones.”

“I’m not a serial killer.”

“You’re not vegetarian either.”

Curtis sighed heavily. “Ants?” He opened his office door and stepped in. “Get in.”

“I have work.”

“It’s almost time for dinner, commander, please for the life of god and all that is holy --”

“All right, all right. You’re right.” Shiro stepped in. He barely waited for Curtis to shut the door and put his arms around his waist. “Another thing about an octopus is that people eat them, too.”

“What?” Curtis frowned, thoroughly disturbed.

To demonstrate, Shiro nibbled on Curtis’s shoulder. “One day I’m going to eat you whole.”

“You can’t cook to save your life. How are you going to cook me?”

Shiro leaned down and bit his arm. “Watch,” he muffled out.

“God, you are so weird.”

“Do you mind?” Shiro asked, refusing to release his arm.

“No.” Curtis kissed his head.

“You’re cute. I want to gobble you up.”

“Like a chicken leg.”

“Yes, like a chicken leg.”

“You’re slobbering. You dog.”

Shiro released Curtis’s arm finally only to bury his face into Curtis’s neck, breathing in his sweet scent.

“Are you sniffing me?”

“Is that your cologne?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“It’s nice.”

“Do you think ants would like this cologne?”

“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?”

“You said that on camera.”

“You also called me a Labrador.”

“Takashi, Labs are absolutely adorable. Don’t fuck with me.”

“You’re right. Thank you. You think I’m cute.”

“I think you’re cute enough to be worth the mess you make in the kitchen.”

“Thank you.”

“And thank you, too, for calling me efficient and intelligent. And all that.”

“I wasn’t calling you anything. You are efficient and intelligent. You’re our bridge comms officer. And you’re amazing as a person, too.”

“Aww, stop.” Curtis laughed.

Shiro pulled away to press his nose against Curtis’s. Curtis kissed him. Arising from a long deep kiss, Shiro said, breathlessly, “I’m glad I listened to you about this interview. It was fun.”

“Do you want to do it again?”

Shiro nodded, grinning. “With you.”

“We could do it on our own. You and me. Record stuff for ourselves. To look at later.” Curtis smiled.

Shiro blinked, surprised. He had not considered that. “Oh, yeah. We could do that, too. And if we like it enough we could send it to Kinkade. For his documentary.”

Curtis raised his brows as though impressed at his change of hearts. “All right. Good plan.”

Shiro kissed his cheek. “Yeah. Good plan.”

Notes:

ok this is it. no more cringy interviews with kinkade.

thanks for reading. let me know what you think.

Chapter 35: Chapter 35

Notes:

Trigger warnings! they're all in the tags! just a reminder cause we're bringing sadness back again. huzzah. this is temporary though! we're going to be happy and cute and fun again.

also, i thought i should clarify that these incidents are all taking place over several months even though the show did not specify how long the Atlas was out there in space before the end of the war. i'm just going to make assumptions and think at least a year.

enjoy!

“What do you think about sex?” Curtis asked on their day off.

Shiro who was starting to fall asleep on his shoulder, froze, suddenly wide awake. He had curled up very pleasantly against Curtis’s shoulder while they watched an old black and white movie Curtis had picked for them. Curtis was doing most of the watching while Shiro started to shut his eyes occasionally. It was a very new and surprising habit he has developed -- after work when they sat down to relax and Shiro was allowed to curl up against Curtis, he would doze, whether they watched a movie or not.

“Sorry that came out of nowhere,” Curtis muttered.

Shiro wiped drool off his mouth and shifted, drawing in a deep breath and clearing his throat.

“Did I wake you up?”

“No. No. I was up.” Shiro swallowed thickly. “Sorry, what did you ask?”

“About sex. Can we talk about that? It’s a few months since we’ve been in a relationship so I thought maybe we could talk about it a little. Clear things up.”

Shiro nodded, pulling away.

“Oh, don’t go!”

“I’m not going.” He looked at the movie and Curtis immediately paused it. “You’re right. We never talked about sex.”

“Have you been thinking about it?” he asked, his hands placed daintily on his lap.

Shiro took one of them in his. “Not really. Have you?”

Curtis hesitated. “Y - yes. Actually. Is that a bad thing?”

Shiro had the urge to grimace, so he bit his lip instead. “No, why would it be a bad thing?” He looked up.

Curtis seemed concerned. “Cause… Do you… want sex?” He put the laptop away.

Shiro shrugged. He did not want to upset Curtis. If he wanted sex, Shiro could do it. But the thought of lying to him now and then being insincere in bed filled him with dread. “I’m not… I don’t really….” He paused.

Curtis abruptly released Shiro’s hand and leaned forward, giving Shiro his full attention.

Shiro sighed weakly. “I used to love sex, Curtis. I did. I don’t know what happened along the way. The prison, I guess. I just… I don’t care for sex anymore. I don’t want it anymore.” He shrugged.

He has never talked about it to anyone. Except for Lance, to whom he had lectured on safety and consent and a proper discussion because he wanted to sleep with aliens, Shiro has never spoken about sex at all after Adam. Then going back, he realised that he must have talked to Matt about it, on their way to Kerberos. But it was a lifetime ago and Shiro’s memory did not retain any of the words they had exchanged.

Curtis nodded. “That’s all right. We don’t have to have sex.”

“I want to,” Shiro told him. “I think.”

Curtis smiled. “You think. You can take the time to figure that out.”

Shiro paused, pondering. “I want to. I just… I don’t want to, either. It’s weird.”

“You’re anxious?” Curtis offered.

He pondered again. “Of course. When am I not?” He smirked, but Curtis was not impressed. “I’m… OK with trying, I guess.”

“We won’t try unless you’re really into it.”

“So you’re just going to sit and wait?” Shiro frowned, surprised.

He nodded.

“Curtis… what if I never want to have sex?”

He took only a moment to answer. “We’ll work around it. We’ll have to see what we like and what we want. We’ll have to come up with something else.”

“An alternative to sex?” He raised a brow.

Curtis laughed, nodding again. “Yeah. Well… lots of people don’t have sex.”

Shiro looked away, distressed. “So what are you going to do? You want sex and when you’re sick of - sick of waiting, and doing whatever else, you’re going to want to try something else.”

“Something else? What do you mean?”

“Like find a guy who’ll give you want you want. And deserve.” Shiro mumbled out the last few words, losing confidence instantly and turned away with a crimson face. Accusing Curtis of leaving him was the last thing he wanted to do.

Curtis, too, frowned. “Come on. Don’t be like that.”

“Yeah. Sorry.” He grimaced with shame.

“I don’t think we can just have sex whenever without a talk. Even if we wanted to. You’ve never had sex with a trans guy and I don’t know - I don’t want to do something that’ll trigger you.”

“Oh. Yeah. I mean… yeah.”

“You hadn’t thought of these things either.” Curtis smirked.

Shiro flushed. “No, no. I had thought of the first one.”

“All right.” He laughed.

They sat silently for a few minutes, thinking. Curtis spent most of it watching Shiro carefully with a small concerned smile.

“Is it OK if I say no half way through?” Shiro asked suddenly in a small voice.

“Of course it is, Takashi, what the hell.”

Shiro snorted, nodding. “I’m sorry I’m not thinking about - I’m not… Hm.”

“Do you want to talk about why you don’t want to have sex? Maybe we could do something with that.” Curtis took his hand once more.

Shiro hesitated. “I… don’t know what to tell you, really,” he said finally, tiredly.

“You can start with what happened at the prison that made you not want sex anymore.” Curtis gently stroked his hair, as though trying to fix it.

Shiro had the urge to end the conversation. He knew there was nothing that could stop him. He could just say that he did not want to talk about it, that they should instead continue watching the movie. Or worse, he could simply get up and leave. Suddenly, he felt as though he held no feelings for Curtis. He was repulsed, and he felt cold and empty. Nothing warm remained in his chest and he felt like stone, sitting heavily beside Curtis as though utterly against his will. For a moment, Shiro questioned his relationship with Curtis. For a moment, he was not sure if it was all worth it. Everything in this body, every cell and every breath made him want to get away from Curtis.

“I… don’t know,” Shiro murmured finally. He realised that he was frowning very hard and his jaws and neck muscles were clenched so tight that they hurt. He tried to loosen them and succeeded a little. It did not help. He still felt nauseous.

Curtis paused for a few moment, eyeing his face, and then sat up straight. “Takashi… did something happen there? Did you… did they…. Did they do something to you? Did they hurt you?”

Shiro’s eyes widened. “No. It’s not like that.” Then remembering that his memory was still fuzzy, added, “I think.”

“You think?” he asked quietly and leaned forward to peer at his face even more carefully.

“I don’t remember everything,” Shiro reminded him uncomfortably.

“Fuck,” he breathed, looking away quickly. He started picking at his nails and chewing at his lip.

Shiro shrugged. “I try not to think about it. You should, too. There are millions of people who went through the same thing I did in there. Probably worse. 10,000 years is a long time. And they probably started even before that.”

He shook his head, running his hand through his hair. He shuddered visibly, gulping loudly. “It’s… incomprehensible.”

“Yeah. It’s hard to wrap your head around it. So it’s best that you don’t.” Shiro patted his knee gently.

Curtis nodded with a grimace and continued waiting for Shiro to continue.

Shiro sighed. “Look, Curtis… It’s a prison. For alien slaves. Run by the Galra. I was under Haggar’s care most of the time.”

“So… it’s all of it?”

“I don’t know.” He threw his hands and shook his head. He was irritated. He did not have the words to describe it and he did not want to either. “Every single thing was awful. I haven’t thought about sex in so long… Even after I got out. It never really crossed my mind.” He paused. “I remember thinking about it once. When I talked to Lance about it.”

“Lance?”

“He wanted to sleep around and I wasn’t sure it was the best idea. After what I’d seen.”

“What did you see?”

“Nothing good. Prison sex isn’t fun either so I guess I’m a bit biased.”

“Takashi… what do you mean when you say prison sex?” Curtis was sweating now.

“I’m not talking about me if that’s what you’re thinking about,” Shiro assured him quickly.

Curtis exhaled heavily, nodded. “All right. That helps. Yes. Go on.”

Go on. That sounded more like an order Shiro wanted to defy than a kind and loving offer. But it was not. It was only with affection and kindness that Curtis spoke those words. “I don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t know how to say it. Or what.”

Curtis thought about it. “What do you feel when you think about having sex with me? Or anyone, really. Do you find it repulsive?”

Shiro took some time to answer. “Not really. No, I don’t. I want to be… closer to you. I think I do. Yeah. But I think it’s me I don’t want to… I don’t…” His eyes widened and he drew in a sharp breath. “I… don’t want to be closer to me. I don’t want to see myself that way. I don’t know if I want to be seen that way. I don’t have a - I don’t - the last time - I don’t have a lot of experience, Curtis. And then… I don’t have - I literally don’t have an entire arm --”

“Takashi, if that bothered me, I wouldn’t have asked you out in the first place.”

“Well, it’s not just that. I’ve got like a hundred scars. And none of them are pretty.”

Curtis frowned a little and glanced discreetly down at himself.

“Oh, right.”

“No, I understand that they’re both different.” He squeezed Shiro’s hand.

Shiro paused, thinking about Curtis’s scar. He imagined it was vastly different. Sighing once more, he continued. “Curtis, I have a list of issues…”

“I know. That’s why I wanted to talk about it before.” He rubbed his thumb over Shiro’s prosthetic knuckles. Shiro found his touch to be distant, muted as though he was wearing a glove. Like all touches were for this hand.

Shiro nodded, partly grateful for Curtis’s thoughtfulness, and partly furious at himself for being unable to articulate himself. He consoled himself that he has not had the experience and he simply needed to take the time. But it still filled him to irritation. “The main thing is… this isn’t even my body. Haggar made me in a lab, like she made hundreds of other clones. I just happened to be the one she chose to send to infiltrate the team.” He paused, looking down at his prosthetic hand that Curtis held with whitened knuckles and then at his good hand, the one that still remained with him. “I remember dying,” he muttered more to himself than to Curtis. “Both times. Whatever the Black Lion preserved… that’s all there’s left. Some memories, I guess. Some thoughts and ideas. Sometimes I think that I am the Black Lion. That’s why she doesn’t want me anymore. Because she’s me. In those clone.”

Curtis was watching him a hard frown.

“That would make sense why I don’t want sex. I might possibly a giant sentient alien robot.” Shiro shrugged, grinning.

Curtis snorted out a laugh, shutting his eyes and shaking his head. “I think if you were a giant metal robot, I’d know.” Then he frowned. “Do you think that’s possible?”

“Anything’s possible at this point. I died twice, Curtis.”

Curtis looked away once more, thinking hard. After he was done, he looked up suddenly with shining eyes and said, “Either way, that still doesn’t change my feelings for you.”

Shiro raised his brows. “If I wasn’t real, you’d still be fine with that?”

“Define real. Matt’s dating a literal robot and Hunk is dating a sentient rock who lives in a sentient planet. And I’ve watched Lance talk to the Red and Blue Lions. Fucking Weblums exist. Living planets exist. People are coming back from the dead and some people are refusing to die. Like Haggar. And Zarkon.” Curtis shrugged exaggeratedly. “Real is a lot more nuanced than you’d think.” He raised Shiro’s prosthetic hand and pressed it against his cheek. “And you have a floating hand that can lift a car. And I’m dating Takashi Shirogane, who apparently has a thing for nerds. Anything’s possible.”

Shiro gaped at him.

Curtis, however, seemed happy. “I want you to know that you don’t have to think about whether I’d like you in bed or not, Takashi, cause I love you.” He flinched, letting out a small gasp.

Shiro twisted around to look at him carefully, wondering if he had misheard.

But Curtis plowed through, steeling himself with a frown. “All right. There. I said it. It’s out there in the open now, to be evaluated and judged. Don’t say anything now.”

Shiro, who had opened his mouth, clamped his mouth shut immediately.

“About this. You can go on with the rest.” He nodded, gesturing at him to proceed.

Shiro sat trying to think of anything other than what Curtis had said.

“What do you feel now?” Curtis asked finally. “About having sex?”

He took some time to imagine lying in bed with Curtis, naked and trying to find pleasure within himself and with each other. He imagined trying to make Curtis food good and it made him excited. But the thought of being given the same thing seemed… unnecessary. No, not just unnecessary. It felt wrong. He felt disgusted at the thought feeling good at all. Even if it came from Curtis.

Shiro thought back to the last time he had had sex, with Adam. Adam was the only one he had slept with and he had loved every moment of it. With his body beginning to fail him, Shiro had still never felt disgusted with himself. He had been annoyed and frustrated when he could not do something he wanted and needed Adam to help him. But that was all.

It felt as though this body should not given something nice.

“Oh,” Shiro breathed, slumping back against the head board.

“Oh?” Curtis asked.

Shiro realised he has now reached the core of the cause behind his disgust. “Oh,” he muttered again, disappointed.

This time Curtis remained silent.

Notes:

heh.

not very happy with this. would've liked to put in more... something. like realistic aspects of it i guess idk.

anyway. let me know what you think. life sucks right now and a new world war is here. heh. heh. we're all guna dai. god humans are so fucked up. i'm going to hope that everyone's doing ok, or at least as ok as possible right now. because it's kinda pretty impossible for me to imagine how bad things are. and i don't think i have the mental capacity to give it more than a couple of thoughts cause i'm scared shitless. we were already dying, and now this, huh.

anyway.
take care guys.
it's kinda pretty pointless to talk about it here. it's bad and it's going to get worse. and we sitting in our homes reading and writing fanfics are lucky as fuck and absolutely helpless.

ok.
so.
let me know what you think. heh. thanks for reading. :|

p.s. new upload for the main fic for anyone keeping up there.

Chapter 36: Chapter 36

Notes:

Guys i've got bad news. i'm moving to a city the end of this month so i might go on a big hiatus. i dont know. so i want to crank in as many chapters as i can but i dont have much time either because i'm always preparing for the move and looking for a job to sustain me out there. :( i will continue to try to write still, but i dont know if i can promise anything until i get there and that'll still be a long time. if i do stop uploading for a while, it'll be temporary. because i REALLY DONT want to give up on this fic. same goes for the main adashi fic as well. :(
until then let's enjoy what we can. :((((

UPDATED

Curtis had Shiro’s prosthetic in his hand, scratching it almost obsessively. He was anxious, Shiro could tell. But he also looked angry, if only slightly, after what Shiro had just explained him. 

Perhaps anyone would be. Was Curtis mad at him?

Once more Shiro considered getting up and leaving. He could. He was not bound under any contract to remain in this room. This was not the prison. Curtis was not Haggar or one of those many Galrans who held authority over him when he was a prisoner. 

But there would be, as it always is, consequences to this decision. Shiro would escape for now. And then? Curtis would remain here. The rest of their lives spanned out before him. Shiro with his guilt and Curtis with his anger. Right after Curtis told him he loved him Shiro would get up and leave, instead of reciprocating it as he should. As he wanted to. 

“I don’t like myself ,” Shiro had explained after realisation had hit him. “That’s just it. I don’t like anything about this body. I want you to feel good in bed and I want to give you that. But I don't want to… I don’t want to give this… body anything. Thing is… I don’t see myself as one… person . You know? It’s like… I don’t own this body. I’m always looking at it like I’m outside it. I don’t see myself as this body, but as someone who inhabits something I don’t like. It’s like wearing ugly clothes or living in a dirty shack. Except I can’t get rid of it.” 

He paused, refusing to look at Curtis. He was ashamed to even admit it. “It’s hard to explain it. When I’m working, I’m not so conscious about existing in this thing. But when I’m not busy, like… when I’ve got too much time in my hand or when I’m doing something like, I don’t know, changing or putting on new clothes in a trial room… fucking… showering, I guess, I don’t know. Whenever I’m made aware of it, of this situation , I’m repulsed. So…” 

He took another few moments to think about what he had just admitted to Curtis, something he did not even dare admit to himself. “I don’t know if it makes any sense to you. But I don’t want to do anything nice for it. I don’t mind doing the bare minimum. Cause… appearances and all. Health. But… that’s it.”

Curtis was silent.

“I don’t know… It’s silly. And weird.” Shiro laughed, rubbing his face.

Curtis was still quiet.

Shiro, filled with dread, shrank within himself. “I’m sorry. Never mind. I think I should’ve stuck to the easy explanation.” He kept his eyes on anything but Curtis. But this time Curtis showed some signs of listening to him. Curtis twitched a little, shifting on his place on the bed. “You know… self loathing and all. It’s easier to understand.” He laughed. “You know…”

Curtis was still silent, not a word leaving his mouth. And finally Shiro looked up to find him angry. And since then the two of them had been sitting in silence for several minutes which felt like several hours. 

Several minutes later, after Shiro had turned into a tortoise, shrinking within his shell and stewing in terror and shame, Curtis spoke. 

“I know what you mean,” he muttered quietly.

Shiro jolted, shaking with relief. He felt lightheaded. “You do?” he asked, his voice weak and breaking.

“In a way.” He nodded. “I had the same problem too. When I was… before I transitioned completely.”

“Oh.” Shiro frowned at himself suddenly remembering who he was talking to. “I didn’t think about that at all.”

Curtis laughed, suddenly bursting the bubble of gloom around them. “Yeah, I guessed you didn’t.”

Shiro hesitated before asking, “Do you - do you still get it? Does it still happen?”

He rolled his eyes and gesturing vaguely. “Well, I mean… it doesn’t completely leave you forever. But it’s good, I’ll let you know.” He smiled, looking quite content. “I’m happy.”

Shiro nodded, a small smile lifting his cheeks.

“What about you? How long has this been happening to you?” Curtis asked, his grin falling once more.

Shiro shrugged. “I don’t know how long I’ve had it. There was always this concern about this body because it was failing already before. But back then it was still my body. And - and even after the prison… after I got out… I mean, it was there. But there was this thought that I was going to die anyway. One way or another. And I was pretty glad that I could fight. I had the experience and this stupid body had given me that.”

Curtis nodded.

But Shiro paused once more. “I don’t know. I’m thinking about it now so I can’t be sure what I felt back then. But I think it got really worse after - after the whole Operation Kuron thing happened.” 

He sighed, remembering watching Keith from a distance as he peered into the pods at the Galra base. Shiro remembered being cold and distant, with no hint of affection for him, the one who called Shiro his brother, and the one who had left Earth for him and ended his career, risked his life to save Shiro. Shiro remembered not bothering to look at the pods of clones himself because he remembered them finally from the time when he was built. 

“But it’s been there,” Shiro admitted quietly. “Since the time I got out. I don’t know if I can give you what you deserve, Curtis.” Shiro turned him, frowning. “I know I’ll try and do my best. But I don’t know if it’ll be enough.”

Curtis paused, frowning once more. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth a couple of times, gathering his words. “Takashi… I get that you’re afraid and that… you’re trying… but this isn’t - you don’t have to think about sex not being enough. I told you, we’ll work around it. We’ll figure things out bit by bit.”

“What if I don’t want to have sex ever?” Shiro asked, distressed. “And - and this isn’t just about your not liking that. I should want to have sex, you know? I - I miss that. I miss the - the fun and stuff. I miss how great it was. But I just - I just don’t feel like it anymore. Like - like it’s gone. I don’t like that.” He groaned irritably. “It’s frustrating! I wish I could say that I don’t want sex for sure. But I can’t. I do. I mean I miss it. I just don’t want it now.”

Curtis nodded, slowly and thoughtfully. “I think I understand.”

“You do?” Shiro turned to him immediately, once more relieved and surprised. 

He started. “No, no! Not like - not in a way that - that - I mean I can see what you mean. Not that I know from experience. But it’s making sense now.”

Shiro slumped. “Oh.” But it was still better than not being understood. And it filled him with courage that he could talk to Curtis about something like this. Something Shiro had tried not to admit even to himself in his darkest moment, late at night. It gave him the permission to think about other problems that he could perhaps discuss with Curtis. Or maybe even Veronica, who knows?

Shiro turned to Curtis and found him watching him apprehensively. Shiro laughed. “I was worried, not gonna lie.”

“About what?”

“About… being honest. I wasn’t sure how you’d respond. It was fucking terrifying.” Shiro laughed again.

Curtis pursed his lips, giving him a thoughtful smile. “Have you talked to anyone about this?”

He shook his head.

“Thought so.” He returned back into the position he had before the conversation began and put his arm around Shiro once more. Shiro melted into his arms. “So what do we do?”

“What do you want to do?” Shiro asked instead.

“I was thinking we could wait longer. See what you feel like eventually.”

Shiro thought about it for a while. It would still be the same either way, he decided. He would not change his mind about sex unless he tried something. “We should try it some time.”

“Oh?” Curtis tensed. He rubbed Shiro’s arm. “Like something something?”

He laughed, raising his head from Curtis’s shoulder to look at him. “Yeah, something something.” He pressed a kiss on his cheek.

“Oh. All right.” Curtis rapidly turned red, then crimson and then almost purple. He wiped his forehead as though sweating and tugged at his shirt, coughing and clearing his throat. “What - what should we do?”

“Um… Let’s try making out for now. I mean!” Shiro sat up, himself pink as well. “I mean, not now. Some time. Like I said.” He turned to the laptop looking for an excuse. 

Curtis sighed. He nodded, taking the laptop from Shiro. “Some time.”

Shiro settled into his arms, wondering what Curtis looked like naked.

Notes:

Updated

Chapter 37: Chapter 37

Notes:

GUESS WHO'S BACK

you're not gonna believe what I did. I quit my job and I might be homeless in a bit. I also proposed to my boyfriend and he said maybe (BITCH).

Anyway. I wrote and rewrote this fic multiple times. And the other two. And it turns out I'm asexual. Was that a surprise? Probably not.

Here's some juice. If anyone's still around, please leave a comment. Or else I'll be writing for myself. Eh.

Enjoy!

Shiro had been up all night, along with Allura and Coran. Surprisingly, so had been Lance. Allura had made no attempt to make him leave. Shiro understood that she needed him around that night.

“Here’s some quality coffee,” Lance said, placing a singular mug on the table. 

No one reached for it until he nudged Allura, and she took it. “Thank you, Lance.” She sipped it, licked her lips suspiciously and put it aside.

“One cannot be too careful,” Coran muttered. His eyes had not left the screen before him.

“Why don’t you guys take a quick nap before today’s first meeting?” Shiro suggested with a polite smile.

No one answered. Lance smirked at him awkwardly. The silence continued. 

“Is no one hungry?” Coran said suddenly. He turned to Lance and pointed at him. “Would you mind getting us something more solid to chew on, good lad?”

“Call for someone,” Allura said irritably.

“I’ll take care of it.” Shiro stood up and stepped out. Maybe he really needed to refresh his mind. His thoughts were a jumble. Nothing made sense.

He dropped by the canteen, requesting a few meals for them and asked a new staff to bring them over. Instead of returning, he made his way to Sam’s office. He doubted anyone would be around but just in case, Sam was around, he could ask for an outside opinion.

He walked up to the head engineer’s office and requested entry. At first, there was no response for a few seconds, and Shiro had started to leave when the door opened.

By Sam’s desk was Slav, glowering at him. “What do you want?” he demanded.

Shiro was too tired to deal with him. “Is Sam around?”

“No.”

“Any idea when he’ll be showing up for work?”

“7:30.”

“Thanks.” He turned to leave.

Slav groaned irritably. “Is this your attempt at ostracizing me?”

“I don’t have time for you, Slav.” Shiro took out his comms pad and wondered if he should wake up Curtis. Maybe Veronica or, better yet, Iverson. Iverson was very experienced. Shiro had looked up to him as a student.

“Why are you here?”

“Not your problem.” Shiro walked away, letting the door close. 

Slav stumbled out. “This is discrimination,” he told Shiro with immense annoyance. “I don’t care if you prefer human scientists over -”

“How on earth did you come to that conclusion?!” Shiro hissed at him.

Slav paused. He stuffed two hands in his pockets and said with a raised brow. “Why do you people say “on earth” so much? Neither of us are on Earth.”

“What do you want, Slav?”

“To do my job. There is no reality where I fail at my job here on the Atlas. In fact, in 36.89% -”

“I don’t care, man. I wanted to talk to Sam, not you. He’s my friend.” 

Slav rolled his eyes. “Should’ve started with that.”

“It’s none of your business why I -”

“That you wanted a shoulder to cry on.”

“I don’t need a shoulder -”

“To vent then?”

Shiro measured Slav’s height and weight and tried to estimate how far he could kick the little creature.

“Actually, I don’t care why you need to vent.” Slav shrugged and turned away. Instead of entering the office again, he kept walking.

“Where are you going?” Shiro demanded.

“I’m leaving my post so that if the ship crashes, you die.”

“Well, leave an assistant in there at least!”

“The night shift hasn’t left yet.”

Shiro followed him against his wishes. “Where are you going?”

“Breakfast. Do you want to eat?”

Shiro sighed. Curtis said some food in the belly always brought new ideas. “Fine,” he grunted.

“I’m not forcing you. Why don’t you go find someone to whine to?”

Shiro decided to take something healthy this morning, especially after doing something that was bad for him, like staying up all night. Maybe a nutritious breakfast will cancel that out. 

“Why do you drink bodily fluids?” Slav asked, gesturing with his glass of watermelon juice at Shiro’s large mug of milk.

“Milk is good for the bones.”

“Why only cows, then?”

“Well, people sometimes drink goat milk or sheep milk. I think buffalo milk is a thing.”

“Why not human milk?”

Shiro sighed. “Stop asking me weird questions, Slav.”

“So you expect everyone to just accept your way of life without questions?” 

Shiro drew in a deep breath. “Is there a reality where I kill you?”

Slav nodded, taking a large bite out of his sandwich. “Yes, but it’s not this one.”

“Don’t give up hope yet.”

“What did you want to talk to Sam about?” Slav asked suddenly.

Shiro raised a brow. “So you’re butting into people’s personal business now?”

“It’s the prisoners, right?”

Shiro pursed his lips. “Let’s not call them prisoners.”

“You can call them whatever you like. But that’s what they are.”

They ate in silence for a while.

“Are we going to execute them?” Slav asked.

“Of course not, Slav!” Shiro could not drink the milk after Slav’s question.

“So then?”

“They’re only in our custody until they talk to us. We need information on Haggar’s whereabouts and her plans. We have no idea how to even start looking for her.”

“And after that?”

“They can… do what they want. They can join us or the Coalition can help them rehabilitate.”

“I don’t think a lot of people will be fine with them being Haggar’s last few loyal-to-end followers.”

“The only reason they’re still loyal is because they believe they’re doing something good for the Alteans. They still believe in Lotor like Romelle and her brother did.”

Slav did not like that answer. “It doesn’t matter why they’re loyal to Haggar. They’ve been lied to, but the rest of the universe see her for who she is.”

“They’re as much a victim as we are.”

“You don’t really believe that, do you, Shiro? After what we went through at the prisons?” 

Shiro did not mind people constantly bringing up his past. Too many people had the same experience and when they brought it up, the topic was usually treated with respect and empathy. He had a memorized script in his head that he followed when someone brought it up. It was only times like this when someone brought up his past just to make a point and Shiro had to think about it to answer.

“What do you want me to do? Keep them imprisoned? Kill them? We’re not like Galrans.”

“I’m just a scientist. I don’t want to get involved in politics.”

“Too late for that.” 

Slav shrugged and sipped his juice.

Shiro wondered if Slav would be the right person to ask advice from. “If you want them dead or gone, just tell me. I need to know what everyone’s thinking.”

“What, so that you can fire me?”

“As easy as it’ll be to replace you, Sam is rather attached to you. He has a thing for pets.”

“You know, it never made sense to me why humans are so sensitive to disability jokes but joking about body hair on aliens is acceptable.”

“Why don’t you try fucking yourself, Slav?”

“And now you’re joking about me procreating. All because the rest of my species is extinct.”

“That’s… a reach. I didn’t know that could be done.”

“Then maybe you do need help from me. I’ll tell you what everyone thinks about the Altean prisoners.”

Shiro looked up with surprise. “OK.”

“No one likes them.” Slav gave him a grim look.

Shiro could not believe that. “They’re victims just like us. Different, sure. But they were lied to, and manipulated, and their people were murdered. An entire genocide took place!”

“They’re Haggar’s supporters,” Slav insisted.

“You’re oversimplifying.”

“That’s how the rest of the ship sees them. If you let them go just like that, that’s how the rest of the universe is going to see them.”

“But it’s not true!”

“No one cares what the truth is, Shiro! When did you become so naive?” He rolled his eyes. “You know people will want someone to blame. And they’re Robeast pilots. They’re the last remaining loyal supporters of Haggar. Even if they change their mind today, that won’t change.”

Shiro was silent. 

“Why do you think humans lied about the Admiral that Sendak killed?”

He jumped. “How do you-”

“It’s coming out. Bit by bit. I work with humans.”

“So even if we lie about the Alteans, the truth will probably come out.”

“Oh, definitely! There’s so many people on board. You think everyone will lie for the rest of their lives? People might even protest! At least Sanda was human. They’re not.”

“They’re Altean. They’re nothing like Galrans, Slav!”

“Exactly. They’re Altean. You’ve spent so much time with Alteans that they seem human to you. To everyone else, Alteans are aliens. Not to mention, it’s already out that Haggar is Altean. After everything, it’s not just the Galrans who will be hated for the next few centuries. It will also be Alteans. You don’t want to add humans to that list.”

Shiro did not answer. He poked at his fruits and stared at his milk that had gone cold.

“Do you know any Galrans who have tried this animal fluid?”

“Milk. It’s called milk. And not that I know of.”

“What about Alteans? Romelle does not like to consume any kind of bodily fluids, regardless of the animal’s intelligence.”

Shiro rubbed his face and then wiped the toast crumbs from his face. “I don’t know, Slav. Allura and Coran have mixed feelings about milk.”

He shrugged. “If you let the Alteans out of your custody after this, there’s a high probability they will not live.”

Shiro knew what that meant. “I need to talk to Allura about this.”

“Maybe let them know what will happen if they get out without your protection.” Slav chuckled. “I bet 100 GACs they won’t live longer than 30 days.”

Shiro nodded slowly. “Thanks for your advice.”

“It’s not free.”

“Don’t push it.”

Curtis may have been right about food helping the brain work better.

Notes:

It's short, yes. But WHO CARES

I write now. Guess unemployment is the only way to get my writer's arm working.

Chapter 38

Notes:

Had some free time so why the fuck not.

It seems like this fic's tone and priorities have shifted. Things are different it seems to me. Does anyone feel that?

Anywayyyy here you go! Enjoy!

He was still sitting on the chair the paladins had left him at. Shiro could not tell the time from the stars on the large screens around him and his internal clock was messed up years ago.

He needed some time to recover. He needed to sit and take a moment to accept the truth. He was allowed that. After everything he had done, he was allowed that. He was allowed to mourn.

Shiro had brewed himself some tea. That was what people did. That was what Curtis did. Curtis said his parents always made tea when they needed to relax or just feel better. 

But it did not help. It tasted like boiled dirt. It made him want to break the cup. He wracked his brain and tried to come up with something that would help sooth his nerves and finally accepted that there was nothing. So he sat silently staring at the stars and ignored the tea on the table.

It was not so bad. It was peaceful. Pretending nothing mattered, and pretending that he had so much time. He left everything aside for the timebeing, including the Atlas, including Haggar, and even Curtis.

All that mattered was the black void on the screens.

His trance broke when the door opened and, to his dismay, Curtis walked in. Shiro would have enjoyed the peace a bit longer.

Curtis strolled in, his eyes on everything other than Shiro. He walked up to Shiro and picked up the cold tea. Without saying anything, he took it to the microwave and heated it up.

Curtis placed the reheated tea beside Shiro and sat down a few chairs away, silently taking out his pad and tapping away at it.

Shiro frowned at him, confused. Curtis looked like he had been sleeping. His face was puffy and eyes a bit red. His hair that was always so flat was standing in attention.

When Curtis still said nothing, Shiro turned his attention to the screen again to gaze at the blackness. He still did not want the tea.

Shiro had almost forgotten Curtis when he finally spoke. “Do you want to go out there?” he asked. His voice was hoarse and he coughed to clear it.

Shiro shook his head.

“Did something happen?”

Shiro hesitated. “Why are you up?”

“It’s morning.”

He looked at his watch in surprise. It certainly was morning. But still too early for Curtis to be up and about. Not to mention waste time here. Mornings were always busy for the day shift staff. “When did you get up?”

Curtis did not answer for a moment and then said, “I shrugged.”

A small snort escaped him and he turned around. “Why are you up so early, Curtis?”

Curtis was not looking at him. “Got a call from Iverson. About our change of plans. I… didn’t feel like sleeping after that.”

“Are you worried?”

“A little bit.”

“A little bit.”

Curtis looked up with a frown. “You think we’ll get her this time?”

“Yes.” The answer was too confident and Curtis noticed it. “I think,” Shiro added only because that was Curtis. “I don’t want to… lie to you, Curtis.”

“I appreciate that.” He leaned onto the table. “So what do you think? We’ll get her this time?”

Shiro sighed tiredly. “I don’t know. I’m starting to lose hope. It’s been almost two years since the Atlas launched and we’ve come so close so many times.”

“Allura sounded so sure.”

Shiro did not answer.

“What happens if we don’t?”

“We keep at it.” Shiro was confident about this statement at least. “We’re not going to stop until we have her. No matter how hopeless this seems.”

Curtis placed his pad on the table. “What happens if we do?”

And there it was. There it was. The first sign of failure. The first chink that could chip away at the Coalition.

 

Notes:

Leave a comment if you liked or disliked anything!

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! :)

Chapter 39

Notes:

Is anyone there? *voice echoes into the void* Hello?

Too much free time, I guess.

Enjoy!

Shiro paused after Curtis spoke. 

None of the bridge officers had yet voiced this particular concern yet. Curtis, the silent and occasionally timid one, the one who rarely voiced his opinion unless he was asked at meetings, Curtis was the first to say it to Shiro. Someone needed to say it to Allura, too, and get a proper answer out of her. 

“We decide what to do with Haggar.”

Curtis nodded. “Do we know what we want?”

“It’s seemed so impossible for so long that I haven’t really had a proper chat with Allura about this.”

“What do you think? What should be done to Haggar?”

Shiro started to cross his arms defensively and then remembered that was no longer an option for him. “I’m not a judge.”

“Neither is Allura. But someone has to decide.”

“I… know.” He leaned back and turned his chair to look at the darkness of space once more. “Curtis. What do you think should be done to Haggar? You were a victim, too. We all were. What would you suggest?”

Shiro heard him stand up. Curtis stretched loudly and sighed. He picked up his pad and lazily pulled a chair next to Shiro. “I don’t know. I never really studied law. I just studied what the academy made me study and I barely remember half of those things.”

“The Garrison only taught Earth law. This is much bigger.”

“Exactly. You’ve been dealing with so many politicians and their laws. You tell me. What would be ideal?”

“Doesn’t matter what’s ideal. Tell me your opinion.”

Curtis took his hand and tucked his feet under him. He stared at the stars for a while and thought. “When the Galra first showed up on Earth, we were starting to think that Samuel Holt was just crazy. I didn’t have clearance for a lot of really helpful evidence so it was just a matter of faith. I remember telling people that I wanted it to be over fast. I wanted to use some of the leaves to visit my family.”

Shiro looked at him. Curtis did not seem upset at all.

“Wakefield -” He paused to glance at Shiro. “Adam Wakefield did not have a team before that. Dr. Holt insisted that we need a team of the best pilots. Adam Wakefield was the best pilot we had in the US. They brought in a few people from across the world and formed a team. And even then, I had a hard time believing, truly believing, what Holt had said.”

Shiro frowned. “Why?”

Curtis shrugged. “It just… didn’t feel so real. Besides, how bad could it be? Earth survived three world wars.”

“Barely.”

He smirked. “When they showed up, it was… unbelievable. Have you ever experienced that? You see something happening and you’re forced to act. But you don’t actually believe that it’s really happening.”

Shiro nodded. “I felt the same when I saw the Galra the first time, too.”

“It was… truly unbelievable. I was the highest ranking comms officer just cause no one took that job for so many years and most of my peers quit after a few years into the boring job. My senior comms officers had retired a few months back and had no intention of coming back. That was it.”

Shiro squeezed his hand. He did not know what to say.

“I wasn’t even scared, you know? I was so shocked, I didn’t feel scared. The order came from above. I don’t know who. Commander Irma handed me the official order and I passed it to the rest of the Garrison stations accross the planet. That we were sending out our offense.”

“Oh my god. Curtis… You never -”

“I sent the order to Adam Wakefield and his team.”

“What… are you -”

“I hadn’t talked to Adam Wakefield in a few days. We were friends, but not friends -friends, you know? I… I genuinely had no idea he was going to die. Iverson was yelling his head off. Sam Holt was so mad. But I didn’t believe it would end so fast and so smoothly . It wasn’t even a battle. It was nothing. It was a massacre.”

Curtis still did not look particularly upset. Just unhappy. He seemed merely tired. Again, Shiro was speechless.

“You have no idea.” He chuckled drily. “You have no idea. It took so long to start feeling scared. And when I was finally scared… when I finally realised, like really realised what was happening… I thought I was gonna pass out. I wanted to pass out. I’m sure you know what that kind of fear is. You’ve seen them in action, too. But… to just sit there and watch it all happen to the world - they attacked everyone everywhere, all at once. It took them a few hours to realise Asia was more populated and then move most of their…”

He stopped talking.

Shiro wondered what his family must have gone through. To suddenly be thrust into a war zone like that and battling to survive every second. Curtis had lost a few relatives.

“If I had it my way… I don’t know. I think I’d like to hurt her.” Curtis frowned and shook his head. “It shouldn’t be easy for her. She shouldn’t just die. We can’t just kill her and be done with it.”

Shiro leaned towards him a little and put his arm around the back of his chair, not knowing what else to know. He could not begin to imagine what Curtis felt and knew that nothing Shiro said could make him feel better.

“Yeah… That’s why I’m not qualified to suggest anything.” Curtis smiled, shrugging. 

“I’m so -” Shiro started but Curtis leaped up.

“It’s really late, Takashi. We have to start the day.” He smiled wider at Shiro and ruffled his hair affectionately. “I want to know what you guys decide. Before you pass the judgement.”

Shiro nodded firmly. “I promise.”

Curtis tugged at him to stand up and he did. Shiro pressed a kiss on his cheek and breathed in his smell.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Shiro told him. “I mean it. I’m so glad.”

Curtis nodded. “Me too.”

 

Notes:

If anyone drops by, please leave a comment. Would love to hear your thoughts!

Chapter 40

Notes:

Welp. This one did not convey what I wanted.

Enjoy!

Allura was pacing furiously with crossed arms in the almost empty observatory. Everyone had given her a wide berth since the decision. Everyone except Coran.

He now stood not too far from her and watched her pace from the shadows. 

When Shiro stepped in, they barely looked up.

“Do you mind, Shiro?” Allura said. “I need to think.”

Shiro hesitated, glancing at Coran. 

“What is it, old boy?” Coran leaped forward. “What do you need?”

Shiro nodded and walked up to him at the corner of the room. “How is she?” he whispered.

“Oh, she’s a princess!” he said chuckling and waving dismissively. “She can handle this blindfolded.”

Shiro pursed his lips and frowned at him. 

Coran was slightly sweaty and his shoulders were tucked a bit tightly. He was always very good at hiding his concerns but Shiro has known him for a while. 

“You’re worried,” Shiro commented. 

“Well -”

“I am, too,” Shiro interrupted him. “Tell me you’re sure about this.”

“We don’t have the time to be unsure, Shiro. It’s already decided.”

Shiro glanced at Allura once more, pacing furiously. “Yeah… It’s decided.”

“I did think you’d put up more of a fight,” Coran muttered off-handedly.

Shiro found that a little annoying. “It’s not my decision.”

“You’re the leader of Voltron.”

“I’m not. Not anymore.”

Coran turned to him with a curious look.

“I don’t want to add to her worries, Coran, but if we capture Hag - Honerva this time, we have to decide what happens to her. We’ve been at this too long without making this decision.”

Once more Coran gestured at Allura exaggeratedly and said, “I am only an advisor to the crown. It is ultimately the decision of the crowned princess, what must be done to Honerva.”

Shiro shook his head. “Earth doesn’t have a monarchy. The Coalition isn’t a monarchy. It’s not just her decision. We need to sit down and talk about this. Maybe even vote.”

Coran scoffed. “Vote? Like barbarians? It won’t come to that. The leaders of the Coalition are reasonable. Our opinions of Honerva will not differ too greatly.”

Shiro hesitated. “Humans… don’t want her to have an easy death. They don’t even like the Alteans.”

Coran finally seemed interested. “They? You’re human as well, Shiro. What do you think?”

Shiro shook his head. “Like I said, my decision alone does not matter.”

Coran turned his gaze back to Allura. She had paused pacing now, her back turned to them. “I will stand by whatever the princess decides. I am sure, so will you. Honerva has caused great pain to Alteans and humans alike. Whatever Honerva’s fate is, it will not be favourable for her once we capture her.”

“Alive,” Shiro added. 

Coran raised an eyebrow at him. “Now, what exactly are you thinking?”

Unable to contain it any longer, Shiro turned to Allura and raised his voice from the low whispers. “Princess,” he called.

Her head turned.

Coran sighed a little irritably.

“Have you decided what we’ll do with Honerva?” he asked.

Allura turned away again. She took a few steps away from them, paused, and finally turned. She had a hard frown on her face. She had a lock of her white hair in her fingers as she spoke, “Yes.” 

Shiro and Coran stepped closer to her eagerly. 

“We will bring her to Earth,” she said. “We will put her on trial on Earth. Once we have presented all evidence, and she has spoken her part, we will execute her. On Earth. The universe must witness her trial and her execution. If she has any more loyal followers, we must extinguish their hope.”

Coran was silent for a few seconds, but then he nodded. “A trial will draw out Honerva’s deserters and anyone who wishes to surrender. It might even give the Alteans a better perspective of what has truly been going on.”

Shiro thought he would crush his own hand in his prosthetic. His head hurt and his vision throbbed. A trial. A trial. Trial. Trial. Trial.

“Have you thought about this, princess?” he asked as calmly as he could. He could not even look at her.

“Yes.” Allura was perfectly confident and assured in her decision. “We will not do this the way she and the Galra Empire has run executions. This will be done lawfully and we will bring justice down on her properly.”

“Whatever she counters with, she cannot escape,” Coran added.

“As far as I know, most countries on Earth don’t have the death penalty anymore,” Shiro said.

Allura was surprised at that. “Really? What do you do with criminals like her?”

“We haven’t had criminals anything like her since the last World War.” Shiro stepped forward to emphasise what he was about to say next. “Princess, if you want to hold a trial for her, I’ll advise you not to attempt that on Earth.”

“And why is that?” she asked, even more surprised.

“Humans will not be satisfied with a trial and execution. From what I hear, they don’t want her to have it this easy.” Even as the words left his mouth, Shiro knew Allura would instantly oppose.

Her eyes widened and she looked away thoughtfully. She did not seem vehemently against it at least. “We cannot falter,” she muttered. “We cannot falter,” she repeated again, louder and firmly. “We have to be the beacon of justice. We will be put on so much scrutiny when this is over. I have make sure we leave no room for criticism. We cannot give anyone a chance to say we neglected justice even for a moment.”

“Princess…” Shiro began, but she interrupted him.

“We will have a trial and an execution,” she said with determination.

“It will be bit of a sham trial, to be honest,” Coran assured him. “What with all the evidence piled against her. She has no defence.”

“We’ll need a court. A lawyer, a judge, witnesses. This will be a whole thing!” Shiro protested. “No human will agree to this. There will attempts at her life and if we defend her, we’ll become just as bad as her.”

“Very well.” Allura nodded. “We’ll do it on Atlas.”

“That’s going to cause a lot of discord amongst the rest of the Coalition,” Coran said quickly. “They’ll want to be present and we just don’t have the space for that.”

“How about we think this through once we have her?” Shiro said. “That will give us time to plan and work through disagreements. Princess?”

Allura’s shoulders relaxed and she smiled. “Yes. Thank you, Shiro. Remind me when we return from this mission. We’ll sit with the Coalition leaders and make a decision, whether we have Honerva in our custody or not.”

“We’ll have the upper hand if we capture her,” Coran told him as he left. “We need to make a collective decision before we sit with the Coalition, Shiro. At least so that we seem united.”

Shiro nodded. Nothing much came of this conversation again, just as Shiro had been afraid of. “We can’t hold this off any longer, Coran. Can you talk to her? I’ll get the team ready after this mission and we won’t leave the room unless we make a decision.”

Coran patted his back. “You can count on me. And her.” He winked. “Don’t worry yourself too much. Voltron will make the right decision.”

“Thanks, Coran.” Shiro smiled.

 

Notes:

Hello? * echoes *

Helloooo??? * echoes louder *

Chapter 41

Notes:

Enjoy!

And then one day Allura died. 

It was not much of anything, really. There was a big battle, during which Shiro regretted not being able to fly with the Black Lion. He regretted not being there to prevent all the things that had happened. But they won, and according to everyone that was all that mattered. Not that Haggar took Allura with her. 

All that was left of her death, as if like residue, was Altea. Empty and mostly barren with a few flora and fauna, hostile weather, and full of ruins. The one thing she wanted back more than anything else in the universe.

They never really had a chance to talk after the mission, like Allura had promised Shiro. Instead, she forgave Haggar.

The moment Shiro had returned to the bridge, all eyes had been on him.  The paladins had been back at their Lions, leaving only the Blue Lion empty. The bridge officers stared at him like he had returned from the dead.

“Are you all right?” Iverson had asked a bit too calmly.

Shiro had ignored that question. Instead he had directed their attention to Altea. The shock of bringing Altea back from lord knows where made everyone forget everything.

“Where’s Honerva?” Veronica asked after gaping at the new planet.

His heart almost stopped at the question. “She’s dead.” He had looked at her closely one last time, while she repented to Allura, and she, the kind woman that she was, forgave her.

One last time.

They moved into orbit of Altea and scanned for life, while the Lions remained unmoving. Shiro realised he had to bring the Blue Lion in without freaking everyone out. 

When Curtis opened comms for the Lions to announce that they were moving closer to the planet, no one responded. 

“Princess!” Coran called tearfully. “Do you see that?! Do you see Altea?! Great Ancients, I never thought we’d see that view ever again! Oh, what Alfor and Melanor wouldn’t give to witness this!”

Still, the comms remained cold.

“Princess!” Coran spoke again, this time with worry.

Curtis glanced at Shiro for direction. 

“Are we on record, Curtis?” Shiro asked quietly.

“Yes, sir.” He nodded.

Coran turned around to look at him.

“Coran…” Shiro did not know how to word it. “This can’t leave the bridge yet. Not… not yet.”

“What is it?” Iverson asked a little irritably.

Shiro had a feeling of falling. The words fell out of him

. “Allura didn’t make it.”

“Oh,” Curtis muttered and tapped a few buttons on his dashboard.

The rest stared at him for a few seconds and glanced at each other. 

“Sorry, Shiro, I thought you said - what did you say?” Coran asked kindly.

“Allura. She… she didn’t make it. I couldn’t - couldn’t do anything. I’m sorry.”

“You couldn’t…?” Coran stood up, frowning. He walked up to Curtis and said, “Is Lance on the line?”

“Yes, Coran,” Lance answered. His voice sounded calm.

“We’re all here,” Keith added. 

“Can any one of you tell me where Allura is?” he asked.

“Coran…” Keith muttered weakly, his voice breaking.

“We’re coming in,” Lance said. He sounded hasty, as though wishing to end the call. “We’ll tell you in detail. We’re towing in the Blue Lion, Shiro.”

“No, hang on!” Coran raised his hand at Shiro and then at Curtis. “Hang on for a moment. Is Allura with you?”

A short pause followed.

“No,” Lance said. He audibly gulped. “We… she… Coran, believe me, we tried to stop her. But… Allura made the call. Honerva lost. We… we won. Because of her . Allura won the war. She stopped Honerva.”

Coran had his eyes on Shiro, a look of silent betrayal and disappointment.

“Meet us at the bridge, paladins,” Shiro said.

“On our way,” Keith responded and the line closed.

Suddenly they were alone. All eyes were on him. Veronica seemed confused, and Shiro thought so did Curtis. He seemed to be waiting for something. Rima gaped at him with shock and disbelief. Iverson seemed at least a bit distracted, as though he was thinking through the surprise.

Coran, however, Coran had many emotions on his face.

“Allura is dead?” he asked softly once more.

Shiro glanced at the dashboard, willing the paladins to hurry. “I’m sorry, Coran.”

“What did you do?”

The question was a demand and it sent a jolt through Shiro. He suddenly realised what was happening, and realised he had no control over what was about to follow.

“I didn’t -” Shiro stopped. ‘You’ did not have to mean just him. “We talked to her. There wasn’t any other choice.” When Coran did not answer, Shiro added, “I promise you, Coran. We tried. We did everything we had to. There was no time and nothing else we could think of. We trusted Allura to know what she was doing and she was the only one who seemed to know what to do.” 

He stopped. He was digging his own grave.

Coran kept staring at him. They all kept staring at him. Their eyes never left him and the time stretched on, a moment lasting a lifetime, devouring him and all of them.

Notes:

Originally, Shiro was supposed to die and not Allura.

Please leave a comment if you've read this! :)

Chapter 42

Notes:

An itty bitty chapter for all y'all cutiepies.

I'm moving again cause I can't afford rent lol. I might not post for a few weeks next month and April while I settle. Best wishes to my boyfriend who has to travel 10 kms to work twice a week.

Enjoy!

Coran did not quit immediately. 

As soon as the paladins had explained the situation, he announced that his work was done. That he worked only for the Altean crown and with the death of the last member of the Atlean royal family, he had no obligation to remain there.

No one stopped him when he left. Shiro took over the helm and sent the paladins away. There was work to be done. It was not over, not yet, not the Atlas crew. Shiro had new responsibilities now. So did the bridge officers. 

The new planet had to be checked for survivors, for quintessence poisoning, for Galrans and Alteans, for anyone and anything. Nothing like this had ever happened. Calls had to be made, people had to be informed, and reported to, people had to be brought over. The Lions had to be checked. They sent an obligatory search party for Allura, just to be sure. The news of her death had to be handled, first to the Atlas crew, then to the Coalition, and the rest of the universe.

Coran returned the next day, still very polite and civil, and handed his resignation to Shiro. It should not have been a surprise but it was. Shiro had expected him to be interested in Altea at the very least.

Which, as it turned out, he was. He stayed long enough for the Alteans to prepare the move and then he was gone.

Once Coran left, so did the others.

“It should’ve been me,” Lance had whispered to him the day after Allura’s death. “I want to quit,” he told Shiro. “Please let me go,” he begged.

“We need you!” they told him. “You’re the only one Coran will talk to! You’re the only one holding us together!”

“My girlfriend is dead,” he told them with great offense and hurt. “I need time.”

“Take as much time as you need, Lance,” Shiro told him. 

Lance had promised Hunk that he would take two months but that never stuck. He sent in his resignation a few days later without any notification.

“I wish it was me and not her,” Keith had said a year later. He stayed a bit longer. A few more days, about a couple of weeks. Then he announced, “I’m leaving.”

“Where?”

“With Mom. There are a lot of Galrans who want to rebuild and join our side. They’re forming a group to help refugees and survivors. Anyone who needs help after a battle.”

“What about Voltron? The Black Lion?”

“My job is done. We won. The universe won’t need Voltron until the next Zarkon shows up.”

And without much ceremony, he was gone. Barely taking a moment to say goodbye to Shiro as he boarded a ship with Krolia. “Thanks for everything,” he told Shiro with a small smile. “The Black Lion is yours now if you want.” He did not want to hear Shiro’s answer, whatever it was. He was late and needed to run. “I’ll see you someday.”

“Someday,” Shiro muttered and forced a smile. “Don’t forget us.”

“I’d take her place,” Hunk had told him as soon as Shiro had asked him how he was. He stayed much longer after Coran, Lance, and Keith. Shiro knew he would not last long without Lance. Lance might have been the main reason Hunk had joined them in the first place. 

He stayed with them a few more months to support Coran now that Lance was no longer around. Coran, despite his glares and grim looks, spoke easily with Hunk. And then he said, “I think I’ll work with Coran. I think I’ll do better there.” And then he took his family and left to live on Altea.

Shiro, this time, made no attempt to stop him. Voltron was over the moment Allura made her decision.

 

Notes:

Let me know what you think

Chapter 43

Notes:

Here's some hurt and no comfort.

Enjoy!

No one asked him how he was. They were kind and sympathetic. Strangers and acquaintances offered their condolences. 

“Our condolences for your great loss, Shiro.” 

But no one asked how Shiro was, whether he was hurting, if he wanted to talk, if he needed a shoulder. People avoided bringing it up in his presence. If someone accidentally did, others hushed them. Even Curtis and Veronica kept their silence on the topic until the day of the funeral. 

It did not annoy him or hurt him. He only found it a little strange. He had been as close to Allura as the rest of the paladins. What was so different about him?

At her funeral, on Altea, people hugged Coran and Lance, and said, “Honerva took so much from us, we never thought she would take her as well.”

“The last daughter of Altea,” they said, “we believed she would be here to celebrate our victory.”

“She is with King Alfor and Queen Melanor now. She made a great sacrifice and has now become one of the Ancients.”

“I have lost my children to the Galra. I know your pain, Coran, to lose a daughter.”

“I have lost my husband to the Galra. I know your pain, Lance, to lose a beloved.”

They brought food, clothes, and cattle to support the Altean Cause to rebuild the world. They provided things to fill the new castle with. Furniture, staff, seeds to fill the garden, technology to support agriculture. 

Lance brought everything he could home and surprisingly, a lot of the seeds grew into plants that bore flowers and fruits. 

The funeral was loud and colourful, with banners, lights, flowers, vibrant clothes, and even entertainers. Shiro was not sure why everyone had put on such colourful clothes even though the invitations did not actually have any requirements. Humans had put on the funereal attires of their own traditions. Shiro had been asked to wear something more American, and he had not questioned that as the suits just appeared on his desk one day for free.

He dreaded meeting Coran more than anyone else. Even more than Pidge, whom he had been avoiding for fear of a resignation.

The only pink item Coran had put on was his waistcoat which contrasted nicely with the rest of his outfit. He looked regal. Nothing like how he had appeared since Shiro had known him. He announced the opening of a garden in Allura’s name at the castle where everyone was invited. 

“The princess would not have liked us to be too somber and unhappy on her funeral,” he told them. “So we will celebrate her life instead of simply mourning her death. Let this day bring us the joy that Princess Allura had fought so hard for. Let this day remind us of her kindness, the goodness of her heart, her love for her people, and the great sacrifice she made to protect us.”

Coran did not speak with Shiro. Curtis had to go out of his way to thank him and even then he spoke only to Curtis.

“Thanks so much for having us, Coran,” Curtis told him, taking his hand.

Coran smiled at him, glancing at Shiro. “Thank you for coming, Curtis. When the garden opens, you must visit. Hunk will let you all know.”

“We will.”

“Please sit and enjoy the food. The entertainers were volunteers so I can’t be sure. But I hope there won’t be a dull moment. Enjoy your stay.”

They made no attempt to exchange a word between Shiro and Coran.

Shiro found Keith and Lance in the crowd and hesitantly made his way to them. Keith had not attempted to dress appropriately. Lance looked handsome in Altean garments.

“How are you?” 

“Good. How are you?”

“Good, good. How are you?”

“I’m good. Thanks.”

“It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, been a while.”

“Did you see the performers?”

“Yeah. Crazy, right?”

“Yeah. We should adopt that on Earth.”

“I bet some people already do that.”

“Did you see Coran?”

“Yeah, yeah. You?”

“Yeah.”

“Love what he’s done with the place.”

“It’s great.”

“It’s amazing.”

“Pretty amazing.”

“Did you try the food?”

“Just now, yeah. Pretty good.”

“Yeah. Hunk led the whole thing, I heard.”

“Yeah. He’s doing great.”

“Yeah.”

They stood awkwardly around until Pidge arrived and with her, some conversation. 

“How’s the Blades, Keith?” she asked. She had a blue dress on, to Shiro’s surprise.

“It’s great. We’ve been helping a lot of people. Really helping them. It feels great to make an impact like that.” Keith smiled.

“You’re still working at the Garrison?” Lance asked.

“Yeah, I’m gonna get a quick PhD. That’ll make things a bit easier on Earth.”

Katie Holt never ceased to amaze Shiro. 

“Are you going to do that at the Garrison?” Curtis asked her. No questions about whether she would actually get in. Shiro knew it might annoy her a bit if he had.

Pidge shrugged. “I don’t want to go on another adventure again. Besides, I want to continue working at the Garrison here.”

“Another Dr. Holt in the family, huh?” Lance nudged her playfully. 

“The bloodline dies with me,” she said happily.

Finally, Hunk arrived with the widest grin of them all. “I see you’re trying something new,” he told Pidge with delight. 

She flushed deeply. 

“You look great!” Keith said immediately. “Hunk’s just being mean.”

“I meant it as a compliment!” Hunk told him irritably.

“Thanks,” Pidge answered shyly. “Just something I wanted to try.”

Shiro smiled. Not all lost then.

 

Notes:

Leave a comment if you've read the chapter!

Chapter 44

Notes:

Here's another.

Enjoy!

Although Coran did not really speak with Shiro, he was not working alone. Rebuilding Altea was a lot of work. He needed a lot of support from the Garrison. His team would send him emails and reports signed by him, and even people to talk to him.

Shiro did not mind. It made sense to him. That the team would end with a mistake from him and a sacrifice by Allura. He told himself that it was just bitterness, but somehow, it did seem fitting.

The truth of Shiro’s death at the hand of Zarkon came out, although the details were extremely muddy, and a group of people spent some time speculating whether that could be applied to Allura. People dropped by at the Garrison’s front desk, a department that had to be opened while the Atlas had been away, with questions on the matter of bringing Allura from the dead just like Shiro, and even offers of support. 

Nothing came of that.

While the rest of the world cheered at Haggar’s death and lamented as they had also hoped for her suffering, the Galaxy Garrison remained busy. 

As they rebuilt the world that was still reeling from Sendak’s invasion, Shiro realised how poorly trained he was for his job. 

Politics.

All country leaders demanded his presence, not just as a guest, but to support them with the “alien problem”. But more importantly, with the influx of Galra refugees. With so many Galra factions surrendering, their communities were left in disarray and suddenly for the first time, Shiro saw Galra children.

“They don’t have a lot of old people,” the Admiral told him with disgust.

“What do you mean?” he asked, confused. “Why not?”

“Because it’s shameful for them to die of old age.”

“How can a species so advanced be so backward?” Curtis said with shock, later on. “That’s crazy! And they call us primitive? All because we have an appendix and do surgeries and stitches? That’s some bullshit!”

“Do you mind saying that on record?” Iverson had asked.

“Yes.”

“They’re trying to change the mind of Galrans who are aging,” Shiro had explained. 

“What, with insults? Like that has ever worked.”

“We can word it nicely.”

“Absolutely not. I’m already on TV for working at the bridge.”

“This is getting so messy,” Shiro told him one morning as he made tea for Curtis.

Curtis scoffed out a laugh. “Which part are you referring to?”

Shiro placed the mug on the table with the plate of slightly burned eggs and a couple of charcoal-covered toasts. 

“Oh, you’re doing better with the tea,” Curtis commented with a smile as he sipped it. 

“Liquids.” Shiro shrugged. “I mean the whole politics thing. People just assume without Allura, I’ll just do her job. I’m not a diplomat. I just… did what she always did and followed her lead.”

“I’ve seen you do stuff, with and without her.”

“I’ve got the basics down. I gotta after all this time. But this – this is, like, politics. Like politician stuff. Even Coran’s not around.” He was annoyed that Curtis was not on his side.

Curtis nodded. “You should start saying that.”

“Curtis, what?” Maybe he should not have brought it up.

“No, I mean, in many words. Not exactly that. Send the Admiral to deal with the politics. He’s been doing that since before the war. And take Iverson with you every time.”

“No, that’s the thing. We’re the military. We’re doing rehab and dealing with the Galra and we’re the point of contact with Altea. But we’re still the military. We shouldn’t be involved in politics, least of all me.”

Curtis took a few minutes to eat and think. “What happens if you stop agreeing to go?”

“What do you mean?” Shiro shoved an entire boiled egg into his mouth and washed his hands. 

“What happens if you just refuse? Like do all those things you mentioned and just flat-out refuse to deal with politics. They can’t fire you, can they?”

Shiro picked up his uniform jacket and finished his milk in a large gulp that hurt his throat. “I don’t want to find out. I’ve already been ousted from Voltron and I’m not welcome on Altea.”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘ousted’.”

“I don’t want to find out what happens if I’m fired.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?” Curtis pushed a strawberry into his mouth.

“The world will fall apart. Or worse. Nothing will happen.” He kissed Curtis on the cheek and ran a hand through his hair. “How do I look?”

“Handsome, as always. Why, are you trying to impress me?”

“I’m going to Canada.” Shiro paused by the mirror next to the main door to check his teeth nervously.

Curtis groaned loudly from the kitchen. “Don’t stay out late!”

“I’ll try my best, Curtis.”

 

Notes:

I wonder if anyone's reading these anymore. Either way, I'm having fun writing them so I'm gonna try and complete the series this time.

Drop a comment if you've read this chapter!

Chapter 45

Notes:

Here's a new chapter!

Enjoy!

The Galrans refused to speak with anyone but him. They would mostly travel across the world to see him at the Garrison. But sometimes, that was not possible. Some countries would detain them and they would throw a fit until Shiro appeared.

A lot of the Coalition did not take the other country leaders seriously. Some did not even trust the human prime ministers and presidents and chiefs and senators and any other leaders. For almost every promise and statement, they expected Shiro’s advocacy. They needed Shiro to vouch for them.

Iverson suggested he got himself a secretary. But the Galaxy Garrison commanders never had secretaries, only the admirals did. So that started to draw him into bureaucracy which he shut down instantly. If they wanted to give him a secretary they will. He would not sing and dance and beg them for it. 

“You should visit Altea,” Veronica suggested. “Maybe he’s changed his mind.”

Shiro looked around nervously. “Let’s not talk about that in public. I’m already in deep shit as it is.”

“You’re not in deep shit. People love you.”

“No, that’s the deep shit I’m talking about.”

“It’s been a few months. You guys are talking, um, through people. He could help you out with this. Give you a few suggestions.”

“As much as I’d love that, I don’t want to fuck things up with him any worse than it is. He wants me to leave him alone, I’ll do just that.”

This was before the funeral. He had some hope then. But seeing Coran at the funeral, Shiro realised it was too late. 

Even if Shiro got down on his knees and begged for forgiveness, even if Coran forgave him, things would never be the same. Shiro would never actually be able to look Coran in the eye. Working with him, asking him for help and advice, would just build resentment between them. 

They still had so much left to do and Shiro did not have the energy to work on something that was doomed to fail anyway. 

So he did not. He poured his energy and time into improving relations with the Coalition, bringing in more alliances, and trying to find places for Galrans to live and work so that they did not randomly disappear. 

As he watched Veronica and Curtis deal with their post-war responsibilities, Shiro wondered if something was wrong with them or him. They would find the time to hang out during off-days, watch a film, play a video game.  Curtis was trying to get back into reading and he finished a couple of books. They would find joy in food, share a beer and a joke, talk about their families, and even get at least six to eight hours of sleep. Curtis sometimes would sleep in and get an afternoon breakfast outdoors.

It did not make sense. They were suffering, there was no question about that. Curtis rarely cried, but he would call home sometimes and then crawl into bed with Shiro with tears in his eyes. Veronica would return from the toilet looking stiff and red-eyed. 

But they were doing things to cheer themselves up. They would even insist that Shiro join them, and if he was present when they would talk about their problems, they never shied away from including him.

They were doing well in their grief. 

“What do you do when you hang out with them,” he asked Curtis one time. “You always come home so happy after that.”

Curtis pulled him into his arms and kissed his head, his eyes never leaving his book. “I don’t know. Last week, we made pasta from scratch.” He snorted. “It was so bad.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I don’t know. We had wine and the pasta place Rima wanted to order from was closed.”

That did not help. “How long did it take?”

“A while.” He patted Shiro on the head. “You could join us sometime.”

Shiro looked at his pad and the half-written email. “Yeah. I’ll try. Is it fun? Making pasta from scratch.”

“It wasn’t… not fun. I mean, I regretted it 10 minutes in. But it wasn’t so bad. Rima cried a little.”

“You guys made her cry? At her place?”

Curtis put his book aside. “Look, it was her idea. Well, it wasn’t. But we didn’t make her do anything. She cried a little bit cause she got frustrated with the designs, but we got over it.”

Shiro reread his draft for a while. “What else do you do?”

“I don’t know. We just hang out and do something. Usually, we have a plan, but half the time it doesn’t work out.”

That did not help either. “All right.”

“You should really join us.”

“I will.”

“Hmm.” Curtis did not believe him, and Shiro made no attempt to sound convincing.

Notes:

Let me know if you guys are reading this and drop a comment.

Chapter 46

Notes:

Yes, two chapters in one day. Crazy, I know. Enjoy while it lasts lol

It might have been around then that the headaches started. Sometime after the funeral. Although Shiro did not notice that until much, much later.

It was barely noticeable at first. He would have trouble looking at screens at the end of the day and even though he would forget about it most of the day, he would wake up with the same pressure behind his eyes every morning. It was as though sleep was giving the headaches energy and stamina rather than him.

Still, it started as mild headaches that never alleviated despite the sleep and coffees, the pressure behind his eyes at night, and the difficulty reading sometimes.

The only person to have warned him during this time had been Dr. Colleen Holt. She had taken one look at him and had said, “You should see a doctor about those eyes.”

“Huh?”

“Eye bags. They really don’t suit your style.”

“I will. Thanks,” he had answered dismissively.

“You know, if it gets worse, you’re going to be sick.” She had frowned at him.

“Eye bags aren’t supposed to make you sick.” He had smiled. “Right?” he added a little uncertainly. She was the doctor between the two of them, albeit a different kind of doctor.

“Eye bags are just a symptom. Are you getting enough sleep?”

“Y - yeah. Yeah. Sure.”

Colleen drew a deep breath and returned to her task. “Then it’s something else. If you fall sick in the middle of something, that would definitely cause some trouble.”

“That’s not gonna happen. Thanks though. How’s Katie? Did she start her PhD?” It worked.

“Yeah, she got in. Should’ve been a bit more formal, but she threatened to quit.”

“Can’t have that.”

“She’s the only paladin we’ve got.” She raised her eyes to look at him as if to see his reaction to that comment.

Shiro wondered if he was expected to say something specific. Not knowing what, he murmured his agreement and moved on.

Then Curtis noticed his incessant coffee drinking. Curtis rarely worked with Shiro and as Shiro had been leaving their home too early and returning too late, Curtis had not noticed it for a while.

“Is this your second cup or have you been refilling this since you left our kitchen this morning?” he asked, picking up his coffee mug. He grimaced at the coffee stains on it and the coaster and gave him a questioning look.

“Uhhh…” Shiro tried to remember how many times he had refilled that mug and failed. “Nope, not my second.”

Curtis placed his tray of lunch on Shiro’s desk and passed him a sandwich. “You’ve been skipping breakfast because you’re addicted to caffeine now? What am I supposed to tell my family? That I’m dating a caffeine addict?”

Shiro rolled his eyes. “I’m just waiting for the headache to get better. I’ll stop.”

Curtis nodded slowly.

Shiro placed the sandwich on a tissue paper beside him and returned to work, almost forgetting Curtis.

“Are you gonna eat that?”

“You can have it if you want.”

“What did you eat today?”

“I think I made a PBJ. Someone gave me an apple. Or maybe I stole it? I don’t know.”

“Is the coffee helping with that?”

Shiro finally raised his eyes. “With what?”

“Remembering whether you stole it.”

Shiro stared at him with confusion for a few seconds and then slowly shook his head.

Curtis was not satisfied.

Shiro decided it was not worth wasting minutes and returned to work. “I have a meeting this evening. Don’t wait for me.”

Curtis only sighed and did not answer for some time. “Don’t worry. I haven’t been waiting for a while.”

Shiro glanced at Curtis with an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

Curtis shook his head. “I know. I’ve been in the loop.”

Relieved, Shiro started scribbling again. 

“Does the coffee really help with the headaches?”

“Not really,” he answered distractedly. “I’m just hoping it will at some point.”

“It’s not a painkiller. Can I take you to a doctor?”

“It’s fine. It’ll wear itself out.”

There was a pause.

“Didn’t your family fight in the last World War? They gave their lives for universal healthcare and you’re spitting on their faces.”

“I never said they did, and I’m not.”

Curtis placed his hand on Shiro’s, gripping his pen gently. A flash of anger burst in him and he had the urge to throw the pad against the wall and smash it. Curtis must have seen that anger on his face because he flinched.

“Are you - you’re not OK,” he told Shiro. 

“I’m busy.”

“You’ve been working off-days for months!”

“Curtis!” Shiro stopped himself from raising his voice. He had never raised his voice at Curtis. 

Curtis stared at him as if daring him to continue in that tone.

Shiro drew in a deep breath. “There’s too much work. I don’t have time to take days off right now.”

“Don’t give me that . Iverson’s taking his off-days.”

“Yeah, that’s why I have to work. Iverson’s taking off days, the Admiral is leaving for vacation every other week –”

“His wife is dying.”

“I don’t blame him. Allura’s gone. The paladins are gone. Coran’s only working on the Altean Cause. The Blades haven’t contacted us since Keith left. There are things that need to be done! Just cause the war’s over, doesn’t mean we can sit back and relax! There’s clean-up , there’s rebuilding . Earth’s a mess! The Coalition is falling apart. We might get another war and this time it might be between friends!”

Curtis nodded in jerky movements and gripped Shiro’s hand with both of his tightly. “OK, OK. All right. But you have to understand. Your job is done. You kept saying you had to win the war. You did that.”

Shiro huffed angrily. “It’ll be for nothing if we fall apart now.”

“You’re not holding the universe together!” Curtis told him with distress. 

Shiro faltered at that. Of course, he was not. But his role was essential, too essential. 

No one seemed to understand how badly Earth was affected. No one seemed to care that so many of the Coalition leaders were bickering. If they continued bickering, if Shiro did not smooth the wrinkles, what if a new war started? 

He had fought so hard to end the last one, and he was the one Allura had left behind to preserve her legacy as the one who killed Haggar and ended the Galra Empire. He could not just go on holidays while he had so much left to do!

“If someone like Iverson can take a few days off, so can you!” Curtis added. “It’ll be pointless for you to win this war and fall sick and become crippled.”

“I’m not gonna fall sick, Curtis,” Shiro assured him. “I’ve done this before. Do you think I got weekends off at the prison or when we were… in… space…” He realised what he was saying as he was saying it and his voice tapered off at the end.

Curtis very kindly did not make fun of him. “All right,” he sighed in defeat. “I’m not going to fight you on this. You’re an adult and a very capable one at that.”

He stood up and walked over to Shiro’s chair and pressed a kiss on his lips, holding his face tightly. He paused to look at Shiro carefully and said, “All right. You do your thing. I’ll see you… later.”

Curtis did not wait for Shiro to respond, and turned and left. He had left his tray of sandwiches and fruits behind. Shiro realised it was just a thinly veiled attempt to get Shiro to eat something that resembled a meal.

He stared at the door wondering how disappointed Curtis was in him and their relationship. Surely this was not what he had signed up for. Shiro was rarely present anymore. 

All the fun they used to have, whether while working or at home, Shiro barely remembered all that. It seemed like a lifetime ago. When he thought of Curtis, he felt more guilt than affection. 

Did he not love Curtis anymore? Did he ever love Curtis?

This was exactly what happened between him and Adam. Once Adam had decided to spend the rest of his life with him, Shiro had decided that he liked the cockpit more than his relationship.

Was it happening again?

Yet it seemed vastly different. It was nothing like what he had with Adam. This felt different somehow. 

He had not been distant from Adam. At the end of the day, it had been stubbornness and selfishness. Shiro remembered thinking only of his legacy, his records, his future, his career. The illness had inflated that. But at the end of the, he would always come crawling back to Adam with an apology and want to spend at least an evening with him, even as friends.

With Curtis, he could not decide whether it was just selfishness and stubbornness. Nothing seemed to matter except the fact that Allura was gone and he had to fix it. He had to fix what was done. 

He had been angry at Adam. But for Curtis, he felt nothing. There was nothing.

There was nothing at all, whether it be Curtis or the paladins, or anyone. Just the headaches, the disgust at food, and fixing what was broken .

That day, after Curtis left, Shiro missed a meeting for the first time and went home early -- only an hour after his shift.

Notes:

Let me know what you guys think. If anyone's reading. Hope you're having fun, Guest Reader!

Anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter.

Chapter 47

Notes:

So we picked a house to move into and the owner turned out to be a scammy bitch. Lost some money there. We found a different house but the owner doesn't want to repair some mold damage he's contractually obligated to. So we can't move in or pay the security deposit until that happens. Jeez. It was so much easier last time.

Anyway, here's another chapter.

Shiro knew he would not have much of an appetite before he packed his breakfast. So when he took a single bite of his sandwich and put it back, he did not feel particularly bad about wasting food. He could put it in the freezer at the lounge and take another bite for lunch.

Shiro was writing his name on his lunch box when he saw Veronica take multiple post-its and start scribbling her name and the dish on it. He was surprised to see Indian dishes. She did not even cook Indian.

Shiro wondered if he should ask, but the nagging feeling took over. “Take out?” he asked her a bit awkwardly.

Veronica raised her eyes and stared at him for a few moments. She seemed awkward, as well. “Uh, no. No.” She smiled and went back to scribbling.

Shiro, sweating, tossed his lunch in the freezer and took a deep breath. “Did Curtis make that?” His voice trembled noticeably.

Veronica looked up at him again, much less awkward, and a bit irritated. “Yeah.” She nodded. “You didn’t know?”

Shiro shuffled on his feet uncomfortably. He had not been paying attention to what Curtis had been making at home as he rarely ate there anymore. He did not even remember if they had the ingredients or the plans to make Indian. Definitely not enough to share it with friends.

“Slipped my mind, I guess,” he muttered, keeping his eyes on his shoes.

When he looked up, he found her still staring at him. Veronica did not seem awkward or irritated anymore. She did not seem disappointed either, just impassive.

“OK.” She nodded and returned to her post-its.

One of the night shift staff arrived, haggard and slouching heavily, and gave him a pitiful look. Shiro mumbled an apology that barely left his lips and stepped away from the freezer, and closer to Veronica.

She ignored him.

“Did Curtis say anything?” Shiro asked Veronica with his back to her.

Veronica took some time to answer, appearing too busy with the scribbling. “Nothing that you’re not aware of.”

So he had been talking to Veronica. Shiro had to do something once this was over. Once his job was done, he would take care of Curtis. Just a few more weeks. He did not have the time or energy for anything else.

The thought of going back to work made him feel lethargic. He rolled his shoulders and rubbed his eyes. He had woken up on time today but had not had much time at the gym as he had to attend an early meeting with Iverson.

Iverson’s strange habit of working out mid-day frequently meant he would set meetings early mornings which would often cut into Shiro’s workout hours. It was starting to get annoying now that they were on Earth and Iverson was his superior.

Shiro glanced back and found her staring at him again. She was done writing her post-its. Shiro squirmed under her gaze. She did not even seem angry. 

“You said you’re gonna be nice to him,” Veronica said. She placed her chin on her fist and kept her eyes on him.

Shiro shuffled uncomfortably once more. “I’m doing what I can. I’m a bit too busy these days.”

“You don’t even text him. You don’t eat with him. Hell, you’re not even talking to me.”

“Like I said, I’ve been busy.” It sounded more like a lie than anything else. He was busy, but despite that, he should have been able to make enough time to answer a text or ask how Curtis was at the end of the day. He should at least apologise for not eating with him. He should at least smile at Curtis more or kiss Curtis more than he did. 

“Sure, man.” Veronica shrugged and sighed as she stood up. She opened the freezer and started stuffing all the neatly labelled lunch boxes in the fridge. When she was done there was barely any space left. 

Shiro realised there was enough food to feed at least three people. So it was not just Veronica and Curtis. Someone else was invited as well. Rima? Iverson? Katie? 

“By the time you realise what you’re doing, he’ll be long gone.” She did not even both to sugarcoat it for him.

Shiro watched a few others line at the freezer after Veronica left. He wondered if any of them had heard their conversation.

Veronica was wrong about one thing. Shiro knew what he was doing. He just could not stop himself.

 

Notes:

Would you guys want some smut?

Chapter 48

Notes:

Maybe I'll just write the smut. Maybe what matters is how I write and what I write. It's just fanfiction, right?

So... stay tuned for... smut? I guess?? (??)

Anyway, here you go.

After the pressure behind the eyes, came the distractions. Anything and everything distracted Shiro, including the pressure behind the eyes.

Unable to decide what to do, he popped a painkiller and decided to drink more water that day. He had more coffee, the ones that had extra caffeine and tasted like chemicals. He finally ate breakfast instead of downing some fluids. He had boiled eggs, some fruits, and a bagel with cream cheese. A nice meal, he believed. 

And yet, Shiro was glancing at the screens behind him instead of before him where the work was. He could hear the voices from across the hall even when his door was shut. He could hear the rustle of clothes when someone spoke to him. He noticed new cadets training outdoors when he walked by the windows instead of what his colleagues said to him. 

The sounds around him were too loud, much louder than people’s voices. People seemed to mumble around him, speaking in unfamiliar words and languages he could not understand. 

He was always thirsty and therefore, always running to the bathroom. He was craving something sweet all day and something spicy all night, to the point that he could not focus on work. And when he gave in to the cravings, he could not swallow and his stomach churned.

His skin always felt too itchy, his hands too clammy, his hair too messy, his shoes too hot and heavy, his mouth too dry, his clothes too rough, his chair too hard, his desk too low, the screens too bright, the letters on them too small and blurry.

Nothing was right and Shiro was perpetually busy doing something or the other to make himself comfortable so that he could focus , just focus on what the people were saying and what they were showing him, and the emails, the piles upon piles upon piles of emails and reports and briefings and requests and demands, and oh, so many demands, that he had to read and review and comment and respond to.

At the meeting, Shiro had no idea what was happening. Everything was too loud or too colourful, although the uniforms and the paint were the same pale gray or white with a few spots of orange and black. 

He made no note of what everyone was saying. When they turned to him, waiting for him to speak, all he could do was stare at them blankly. Turning red, he glanced at his pad and found it empty. He tried to peek at Veronica’s notes and the squiggles made no sense to him. 

“Is that headache really getting to you?” she asked him.

Shiro did not want to lie but there could be no other excuse. So instead he just sat there staring stupidly at Veronica, not a single thought floating through his vacant skull. 

“Why don’t we take a quick break for coffee?” Iverson said gruffly and leaped up. He abandoned his notes and took Shiro by the arm. “Come and have some coffee with me, Shirogane.”

Unable to come up with a reason to refuse, Shiro, too, abandoned his noteless pad and let himself be dragged out. Curtis’s concerned frown followed him to the door.

“What the fuck is going on?” Iverson demanded as soon as they stepped out.

“Huh?” Shiro trembled.

Iverson eyed him as though Shiro had spewed obscenities directly at him. His nostrils flared. “What’s going on with you? You didn’t send in the files today. We’re behind already. And you didn’t stop Ushlal from giving that unnecessary monologue even though everyone was practically begging you to stop him. What’s going on? What’s with that look on your face? Are you constipated?”

“I’m – I’m not constipated, Iverson.”

He squinted suspiciously. “Are you sure? How’s your gut?”

“It’s fine, sir.”

He leaned forward. “What’s wrong with your face?”

Shiro glanced around, already panicking. “I don’t know. What’s wrong with my face?”

“You seem constipated. It’s on your face.” He pointed at Shiro’s face.

Shiro touched his face wondering what it meant. “I don’t know. Sorry about the meeting, Iverson, I…” He tried to come up with an excuse and failed. “Um…”

“Take the day off,” Iverson said squinting at him. He stepped back and glanced around, roughly smoothening his own jacket and Shiro’s. 

“Are you giving me the day off, Iverson?” Shiro asked, surprised and annoyed at himself for acting so green. Shiro had the highest authority on board the Atlas, unlike on Earth. No one could give Shiro the day off. But there were better ways to convey that to his commanding officer.

Iverson pursed his lips silently for a few seconds. “Yes. I’ll brief you on the progress but I need you back here by the next cycle starts. Whatever your shit is, get it together.”

“I just need to… take a minute,” Shiro muttered.

Iverson paused once more to squint at him and Shiro flushed under his glower. “If you needed to talk to someone, I personally favour Dr. Shobha.”

Shiro flushed further but did not answer. 

“I’ll see you after the meeting,” Iverson grunted and stepped back into the room, leaving Shiro trembling against the wall. 

His eyes darted everywhere, dreading that someone would pass by. A part of him wanted to be seen that way so that he could explain himself. 

I had too much coffee , he could say. Or perhaps: I didn’t get enough coffee today . Or the perfect excuse: It’s the arm, you know. A good night’s sleep should fix it, as it always does . But it would be more to convince himself than anyone else. If someone else believed it, so could he. 

Embarrassed, irritated, and frustrated, he slowly made his way back to his office. 

After he had settled down at his desk, he realised that he had left his pad in the conference hall.

 

Notes:

Don't forget to leave a comment! Feedback always helps! :)

Chapter 49

Notes:

I wonder if people are still reading VLD fanfics lol. I'm seeing pretty recent updates on some fics so fingies crossed.

anyway, enjoy!

The meeting was not the last time he blanked out like that. It kept happening. 

It happened again when the Admiral pulled him aside to ask him what was to be done about the Balmerans who wanted to recruit aliens like humans but would not allow Galrans on their planet. 

Requests had piled in from Galrans who wanted to change their ways of life and find peace but were not welcome anywhere. Which meant, they kept coming to places where they were accepted, the easiest being Earth. And now they had too many Galrans which was making everyone uncomfortable and angry.

Shiro knew what the Admiral was talking about, he did, he really knew what he was saying. Shiro knew what he say, but could not get his brain to function enough to comprehend what he knew and connect that information to the Admiral’s questions.

“We need to sit with India and China for now,” the Admiral said. “We can’t control the situation anywhere right now. But they’ve been lenient in their restrictions so far. They want you to negotiate. I want you to pick a side and stop trying to be so fucking democratic. Do you understand me, Shirogane? You remember what happened with Canada. We don’t – hey! Hey!” 

Shiro started, peeling his eyes from the windows back to the Admiral. “Hm?” He flushed as soon as the noise left his throat.

The Admiral gave him a baffled and offended look. “What are you doing?” he asked a little aggressively.

Shiro had the urge to snap back but did not. “Listening. Please continue.” He had barely been listening. The words had slid off of his brain like water on duck feathers. His skull felt emptier than it had when the Admiral had begun his rant.

The Admiral pursed his lips and huffed at him a little. “What have you planned?”

Shiro hesitated, not knowing what to answer. “I’ll think of something,” he lied very poorly.

The Admiral fumed. “And what the fuck is that supposed to do? We might be looking at another Galra invasion!”

“We won once.” He winced immediately. “I’m sorry –”

“You’re sorry!” The Admiral turned around as if to leave, his face a beet red. Then he turned back and brandished a gnarly finger at Shiro like a sword. “If you say shit like that again, you fucking idiot –”

“Won’t happen again, sir –”

“Like fuck it won’t happen again! You’ll be in the ground before you’ve fucking finished that sentence! You god damned moron !”

Shiro kept his eyes down with embarrassment. “I understand.”

“Get your shit together, Shirogane!”

“Yes, sir.” He felt like a fresh-into-the-academy cadet, blushing and cowering. 

The Admiral paused, calming down. “What the fuck is going on? You’re better than this. You pass out in meetings and don’t respond to emails.”

“I - I don’t think I’ve passed out at meetings so far, sir,” Shiro muttered with concern.

“I’ve seen how spaced out you are. You haven’t been speaking in conferences anymore. It’s starting to become a problem. And now this.” He gestured vaguely at all over Shiro.

Shiro smoothed the front of his uniform self-consciously.

When he did not answer, the Admiral continued, “Get it together, Shirogane. There will be repercussions if this goes on.”

“Repercussions?” Shiro said, frowning. He knew he should have let it go but he has been filled with irritation for so many days. He has been working half to death and he feels unwell for a single day and the Admiral threatens him with repercussions?

“Do you think your actions are unnoticed?” he asked instead with a deeper frown. “If I can see it, so can they. You can’t be careless in this job. If it’s getting too much, son, you need to figure out what you want to do.”

Shiro felt himself flush with rage. He grit his teeth and clenched his fists and trembled. What should he say that would not make the Admiral fire him on the spot? 

He opened his mouth to speak but the Admiral smacked his arm casually and said, “Get back to your desk and take a breather if you need to. I want a plan by tonight.” Saying so, he turned around left.

Shiro stood there with half formed words in his mouth, sweating and panting as though he was about to have a heart attack. His hands shook and his face twitched and he felt stiff. 

He wondered if the Admiral had said something like that one more time then would he have thrown the punch that was itching in his fingers. He wanted to break something. He wanted to hurt someone.

For a moment, just one moment, he wished he was at the arena. It was so easy to break bones. No one acknowledged how easy it was to maim and break and gut someone. 

Slowly, the fog cleared and Shiro realised what he had been hoping for. He turned to the window again, and forgot about the Admiral and the fury he had raised within Shiro. 

There were some very young academy students playing football outside. Shiro wondered if he and Adam would have had children if everything had been normal. He wondered if Adam would have married him, and if so, then what venue he would have liked. 

Shiro wondered if Adam would have approved Curtis. Kind, sweet, gentle, funny Curtis. He wondered if either of them would have been jealous exes.

Shiro tried to think of the plan the Admiral had demanded and his mind stayed blank. But when he thought of Adam, he did have some thoughts.

He thought that he was being unkind to Curtis and that he had to do something. He thought that he was tired, too tired to even be angry. 

Shiro thought that he needed to go home.

 

Notes:

Please drop a comment to let me know if you guys liked this chapter! I'm writing some fluff as well to wash the blood after these sad sad SAD chapters.

um. Curtiashi smut manufacture is ongoing. huzzah? (?)

Also, would you guys be interested in OCs? Considering Curtis is practically an OC, I'm going to make some OCs for his family. Would love some feedback on that as well!

Chapter 50

Notes:

Hello, I say, to an empty theatre. Welcome, no one. Enjoy your stay.

When Shiro got home, he heard Curtis in the kitchen. He paused for a moment by the door and slowly took his shoes and socks off. He wiped his feet very carefully and dropped his bag on the sofa.

Curtis peaked from the kitchen with a large knife in his hand. He sighed heavily when he saw Shiro and rolled his eyes. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” Shiro muttered, raising a brow. He strolled up to the kitchen and started unbuttoning his uniform.

“I thought it was an intruder,” Curtis said.

Shiro sniffed and realised Curtis was making Indian. He wondered if Veronica was invited. “Why would you think that?” he asked with worry. Surely no one had broken into their home and Shiro had simply forgotten that?

“Yeah, you don’t come home at this time.” Curtis picked up the spatula and returned to the stove. There was a lot of colourful rice and chicken in the pot. 

“Right.” Shiro scratched his cheek and awkwardly shuffled into the kitchen. “Sorry.”

Curtis smiled at him. “Don’t be sorry. I know how busy you’ve been.”

That felt like a lash on his back. Shiro had been drowning himself. He was not being drowned. “Right… Sorry.”

Curtis chuckled. He started chopping tomatoes.

“Are we hosting tonight?” Shiro asked.

Curtis shook his head. “Nope.” He paused to glance at the pot. “I didn’t think you’d be back for dinner. So I made biryani.” He turned to Shiro. “Are you back for dinner?”

Shiro stepped into the kitchen and leaned against the cabinets. “Sorry, do you mind? I can always eat at the canteen.”

Curtis snorted. “Don’t be weird. I’ll make you something else. Or I have some leftovers, I think. Let me check.”

“Do you think I could…” Shiro paused. He was overstepping. “I’ll make something for myself, Curtis. Please don’t.”

“You could what?” Curtis raised a brow at him. 

“Um.” Shiro glanced at the pot on the stove. 

Curtis turned back to glance at it as well. “You want that?” He jerked a thumb at it. “It’s too spicy for you. I don’t mind making something for you.”

Shiro shook his head. “If there’s enough, I wanted to try the biryani.”

Curtis chewed his bottom lip for a moment and then nodded. “You’re sure?”

Shiro nodded, straightening. “Is that fine?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He glanced around the kitchen and then rushed to the fridge to take out vegetables. “I’ll just…”

“Huh?” Shiro stepped forward. “Please don’t make anything extra on my account, Curtis.”

“I doubt you can eat something this spicy, Takashi.”

Shiro paused. When was the last Curtis had taken his name in front of him?

“You’re gonna need something to keep you from getting a stroke.” He chuckled once more. “I’ll make a quick raita to go with this. So that you don’t pass out.” He grinned.

Shiro stared at him. Curtis was not annoyed or angry. He even seemed happy. “Oh. OK.”

Curtis returned to the tomatoes. “And are you going to leave after dinner?”

Shiro took off his uniform jacket. Curtis paused to look at him. “Do you mind if I stay?”

Curtis did not answer, staring at him with a frown.

“Sorry, do I smell or something?” Shiro sniffed himself. 

“Huh?” Curtis blinked. “What?”

“Do I smell?”

He turned away. “No. No, you don’t smell.” His dark skin did not flush the same way as Shiro’s but Shiro had come to recognise it when it did flush.

He stood watching Curtis for a while. Curtis looked fresh, as though he had recently showered. His hair was slightly damp and matted. He smelled like shampoo and soap. Shiro wanted to take a mouthful of him. “Do you mind if I stay here after dinner?”

Curtis took a deep breath and dropped his tomatoes. He glared at Shiro for a moment and then stomped up to him to gripped him by the waist. “Don’t ask me weird shit like that.”

Shiro let out a breathless laugh in relief. He placed his hands on Curtis’s chest and kissed his cheek. “OK. All right. Do you want to watch something during dinner?”

Curtis wrapped his arms tighter around him, pressing him against his chest. Shiro almost melted against him. “I could watch you.”

Shiro buried his face into his neck and mumbled, “I’ve missed you.”

“Hmmm.” Curtis sighed into his hair. “Hm. Yes. Me too.”

Shiro breathed in his scent and pressed his face harder against his skin. He drew in a shuddering breath and when he exhaled a whimper escaped. 

Curtis only held him tighter. “It’s OK,” he muttered into his hair and rubbed his back and kissed his head as Shiro cried.

“I missed you,” Shiro blubbered. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too, Takashi.”

“I’m so sorry, Curtis.”

“I know. It’s OK.”

“No, it’s not!” He started to pull away but Curtis did not let him.

“I’m telling you. It’s fine. You take your time, all right?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s OK. Do what you have to. I’m here.”

“It’s not fair.”

“No… No, it’s not fair. But neither of us expect fair.”

“No… No, it’s not right. I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter, Takashi. You have to do what you have to do. I’m here.”

“No… No… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“It’ll be fine. It’ll be OK.”

“Dinner’s burning.”

Curtis sighed. “Thanks.”

 

Notes:

Like the typical Indian that I am, biryani is one of favourite Indian dishes. I believe when you eat something as beautiful as biryani for the first time, it will change your views on life. If you haven't tried it, I'd recommend it. If it's too spicy, have it with some raita.

Anyway, leave a comment below, if anyone's got anything to say! Would love to hear your thoughts.

Chapter 51

Notes:

Here's a sad chapter for us.

I love that there's just 2 of us enjoying the last days of curtashi and voltron. reminds me of that anime where the 2 chibi style girls were wandering a postapocalyptic world and surviving on scraps. Us, girl, us.

Enjoy!

Something happened that night after dinner. 

They ate before the TV and watched some old alien show that had a surprising number of Galrans despite the Empire having very little room for entertainment and art. 

“They’re shit actors,” Curtis told him gleefully.

Sweating through the spice, Shiro nodded. “Maybe they just have a different style.”

“Even the dialogue is shit. This is not how they talk.” 

“The subs seem fine.”

“You don’t understand Galra at all, huh?”

“Look, I’m not the comms specialist between us.”

“Didn’t you live with them for like a year.”

“Jeez, Curtis, I wasn’t chatting with my captors in the prison!”

“I believe you. You can’t speak a word of Galra after a whole year.”

“I was busy not dying!”

“I believe you!”

Shiro almost fell asleep that night on the couch on top of Curtis and had to be woken up. He found himself disgruntled as Curtis did his best to shove Shiro off of himself.

“You’re too fat! I can’t carry you!” 

So Shiro was dragged to bed where he whined until Curtis joined him and immediately fell asleep.

He did not realise what had happened last night until the next day when he was awoken rather roughly by a distressed Curtis.

Shiro had been sleeping a very dreamless sleep, something that rarely happened, and his mind had completely disappeared, letting him rest properly for the first time in a long time.

However, Curtis woke him with violent shakes by the shoulder. Shiro awoke with worry and saw Curtis’s face and sat up rubbing his face. He wiped his mouth, realising he had been drooling onto the pillow.

Curtis was shirtless in his uniform pants and his hair was still a little wet from the shower.

“What’s wrong?” Shiro demanded, looking around. He glanced at the window expecting droves of Galra cruisers blowing up the planet once more. He expected screams and his phone and comms pad trilling. But everything was silent except Curtis’s shaky breaths. 

Curtis remained kneeling on the ground gaping at him and then suddenly started to cry.

Terrified, Shiro leaped up. “Is it your father?” When Curtis stood up and buried his face into his hands, Shiro gripped his arms and tried again, “Is Lance all right? Is it Keith? What happened? Curtis!” 

Curtis stopped as suddenly as he had started and wiped his face quickly and let out a shaky laugh. “Fuck me, you scared me. I thought you were dying!” He fished out a tissue and blew his nose, laughing once more. “God, you weirdo !”

Shiro’s heart was in his mouth. He took a moment to register that everyone he loved was unharmed and asked, “What did I do?”

Curtis glanced at him curiously. “You didn’t change your off-days?”

“What do you mean?”

He paused. “You were sleeping like the dead. I thought your meds expired or something. I thought - I thought –” He paused. His lip trembled and he turned away to blow his nose again. “I thought you’d tried to kill yourself.” He laughed once more with embarrassment. 

Shiro sighed. “Curtis, I was just sleeping. Why are you up so early? Lie down. Did you eat?”

Curtis handed him his phone, frowning once more. “OK, don’t panic, all right? But it’s almost 10 AM. You slept through your alarm like three times. I thought you changed your off-days but then you wouldn’t wake up when I called you. You don’t like being touched so I just kept calling. I’m sorry.”

Shiro stared at the time on his phone’s screen. It said 9:38 AM in giant white fonts. Under that was a notification that his alarm had turned itself off because he had not turned it off. And under that was four missed calls from Iverson, seven from Iverson’s new secretary, one from the Admiral, three from Veronica, two from Sam, and two from Rima.

Shiro saw spots. He stopped breathing and realised he was shaking. He thought he was going to pass out. 

“You’re panicking,” Curtis told him. “It’s OK.” 

He reached out to touch his arm and Shiro snatched his arm away. He was furious at Curtis for not waking him up earlier. But it was not Curtis’s job or responsibility, nor had he asked Curtis to do that ever before. Shiro sat down to take a moment to understand the consequences and what he should do.

Curtis knelt down before him once more, keeping his distance. “Do not panic.” He enunciated the words carefully and loudly.

“I’m getting fired today.”

Curtis shook his head. “They can’t fire you cause you slept in one day. You won the war. You’re allowed to accidentally sleep in one day.”

“No…” Shiro stood up and picked up his clothes and dashed into the bathroom. There was no time to shower. There was no time to eat. He would wash his face and brush his teeth. He can do the rest later. His office bathroom had a shower. The Garrison had lots of showers that he had access to. 

He paused to look at himself in the mirror and realised his shoulders hurt. Now that the panic was done holding him in its death-grip and keeping him frozen, he realised how much his head hurt. Not only his head, but his chest hurt as well. There was an insidious pain in his back under his shoulder blades that made him want to fall down a flight of stairs. He was walking on pins and his fingers were numb and weak.

Shiro leaned over the sink and tried to control his breathing. He had faced Emperor Zarkon. Curtis was right. He should not be panicking.

But he was. And there was something wrong. Something had been different since last night. Something had happened since he had had dinner last night and fallen asleep on the couch.

Curtis followed him into the bathroom and gingerly touched his back. His fingers made his skin burn. He shuddered and recoiled and shuddered again when his stomach twisted.

“I don’t understand,” Curtis said with confusion and concern. “Why are you panicking? Is something wrong? Is it just that you’re late?” 

“I need a minute,” Shiro choked out. He waited till Curtis was gone and locked the door.

Something was wrong. Curtis was right. It was not just that he was late. Or was it? Shiro did not know. It felt much bigger. 

He sat down on the cold floor and pressed his burning back against the cold wall. 

He had never been late. He tried to remember the last time he was late and wracked his head until he remembered when he and Adam had stayed out late one night drinking with their friends and he had been late to work. Iverson, or any of the seniors, half of whom were dead now, had not yelled at him. They had found it funny that he had looked so terrible. His eyes had been red, he had terrible bags, and his hair was standing in distress. They even let him take time to recover until he was ready to work. 

But since then, Shiro has not been late to work in years. Since the Kerberos Mission, Shiro could not remember being late to work at the Castleship, he could not remember being late at the Atlas, and most definitely he had never been late to work since Allura died and left him the responsibility to fix things.

Whenever he had been “late” to his office, he had been busy working somewhere else. He had been meeting delegates, he had been off-planet, he had been injured and inside a cryopod, he had been dealing with his team somewhere away from their offices.

But Shiro had never slept in and missed work.

“Takashi,” Curtis called. “Your meds are in the bathroom. I can’t check. Did you take one pill last night before bed or did you take more than that?”

Shiro tried to remember but he could not. He had been so content . Everything had been perfect. He had been happy, too happy in fact. That was why this was happening. 

He should not have been so happy. How dare he let himself get so content and happy? This was a reminder that he did not deserve that. This was a reminder to never let his guard down. 

He had been so stupid, so fucking stupid, to think that he could just enjoy himself to his fullest and forget Allura, forget Coran, forget what he had done. Who the fuck gave him the permission to do that?

“Oh, wait, you went straight to bed, didn’t you?” Curtis called again. Shiro heard him leaning against the bathroom door. “You didn’t take any pills last night. Actually, did you miss your meds last night?”

Shiro felt ashamed bringing Curtis into his mess. When they had started dating, things were starting to get better and Shiro, like the idiot that he was, had started to think that he could be worthy of someone like Curtis. Or of anyone. 

He had not known he was capable of something like this.

No, Shiro had known. He had always known he was capable of murder. He had known for so long. How could he ever think that he was not a murderer? How could he ever believe even for a second that he could have a normal life?

How delusional of him! How selfish of him! 

Haggar had been right. Sendak, and all those people whom Shiro had killed. They had all been right. He was a killer and a murderer. He destroyed lives and he was destroying Curtis’s life simply by being present in it.

What had he done! 

“OK, no, you did not miss your other meds.” Curtis’s voice came from a little far from the bathroom door. “Cause we left the bottle in the living room.” He sighed. “We can’t be so careless, Takashi. Remember what happened when Lance lost his pills after he broke his legs and they had to keep him in the hospital to make sure he wasn’t overdosing?”

Shiro remembered that happening. Lance had taken a blaster shot for Pidge, for Katie, but his Altean armour had saved him. Instead, he had fallen down a long flight of stairs and broken both his legs. 

Shiro had been mortified. Keith had panicked, Allura and Katie had been furious, screaming obscenities at Lance while he grinned at them through his pain. Hunk had been the most calm that day, carrying Lance to Medical and making sure he was properly taken care of. He even helped Keith stop panicking and lead the team. It was only after Lance was in a cryo that he had sat down on the floor and sobbed into his hands.

After that, they realised the cryo had healed Lance poorly and he needed to get a small surgery. He was supposed to be on meds for three days and Lance had lost his pills the moment he had left Medical. He had to be brought back and observed carefully until he was well enough to not need the specific medication he had lost.

“Are you shitting?” Curtis asked and knocked on the door.

Shiro dropped his weary head onto his knees. The memory of Lance arguing with nurses and being yelled at by a very teary Hunk had distracted him from the spiral. 

Still, his throat was too tight for an answer.

“Hey, I forgot to tell you,” Curtis said, leaning against the door again. “They called me, too. I told them you were going to be a bit late. I also told them I was gonna be late, too.” He paused.

Shiro shut his eyes. He had fucked up again, and he knew it was only going to get worse. This could not happen again. He was not allowed to relax and he definitely was not allowed to sleep in .

“So… you know… We could take the day off and maybe go to the theaters.” He shifted on the door. “Or, I don’t know, I’ve been wanting to try out this new restaurant. It’s alien and it’s not that close. They don’t do home deliveries. If you’re not feeling too sick, we could go get some lunch and maybe… I don’t know. Go to a park.” He sighed heavily. “The Garrison seriously lacks greenery. I’m scared to tell anyone this because I’ll get the responsibility to change that. But if someone tells you that, do you think that you, being a commanding officer, could ask them to do it?”

Shiro stared at the door. He felt both light and heavy at the same time. The panic was gone and his head felt empty but he felt heavy. He wanted to lie down.

“I mean, someone has to,” Curtis continued. “But I don’t want to take any responsibilities. People like you, you’ve got energy and motivation. I just want to finish work and drink boba and read.” He hummed thoughtfully. “That’s why you’re the youngest commanding officer of the century and I’m not.” He chuckled.

Shiro knew what he was doing. Curtis tended to do that when Shiro became too silent. Curtis would ramble and rant. It was nice. Shiro liked hearing his voice, hearing his words and his thoughts. 

“Maybe you could petition for it,” Curtis said. “And just assign someone to do it. You’re higher up on the hierarchy to do that.”

“Curtis,” Shiro spoke hoarsely and cleared his throat. “What would you do if I got fired?”

Curtis did not answer immediately. “What do you mean, what would I do? Like move from here? I guess that would be nice. The Garrison quarters are shit. I’d love for us to have our own place outside here. Like Veronica.”

“No…” Shiro drew in a deep breath. “I mean… are you fine with me not working?”

Again, Curtis took his time to answer. “Well. Yeah. I don’t see what’s so bad about getting fired. If you want to continue working and you can’t work for the Garrison anymore, you could look elsewhere. Anyone would be grateful to have you. You have an interesting resume.”

Shiro felt as though Curtis was deliberately not answering his question.

“Actually, if you don’t mind waiting for a few more years, I think I’d quit, too. We could try some place away from here. Closer to the city. Maybe in the city. Can you imagine living in the city? That would be so fun. I mean, neither of us are party-goers, but I’ve lived in a small town back home, and I’ve lived at the Garrison in the middle of nowhere. I think a city would be great after this.”

“Curtis…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK. People fall asleep sometimes. Maybe the biryani was too spicy and you needed time to recover.”

Shiro shook his head. Something was wrong. He felt different. He had been feeling different for a while now and just had not known. But now he did. Only he simply could not put his finger on it. 

Whatever it was, he could not let himself be that content again. Not after what he did to Allura and Coran.

“I’m sorry I made you late to work.”

“You didn’t make me do anything. It was my choice. Stop thinking that you’ve got so much control over other people.” 

It sounded a little harsh but Curtis was not a harsh person. It was just something that needed to be said as bluntly as Curtis had put it. 

“Do you want to go to work?” Curtis asked.

“I… I have to get back. Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK.”

“Let’s put a pin on that. I promise I’ll take the next off-day and we’ll go out.”

“All right. I’ll hold you to that.”

“OK. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

 

Notes:

Please leave a comment, if anyone happens to stumble by this chapter in the distant future. Do you think 10 years later AO3 will no longer exist? That'll be so fucking devastating.

Chapter 52

Notes:

Here's a new chapter! Enjoy :)

Shiro knew something was wrong. Only he still could not put his finger on it. 

He kept wondering what it was, what felt so off, what was the nagging feeling in the back of his head, what was the irritation that he felt bubbling to the surface.

Shiro met Iverson on his way out of his office. His hands were full of files and he needed to rush. He was already late and his computer had been bursting with emails and voicemails. People had been dropping by at his office wondering why he had not been responding.

Iverson took one look at him and froze. 

Shiro slowed awkwardly, wondering how to handle him.

“Are you sick?” Iverson asked him with concern. 

“No. No, no.” Shiro thought that he should smile but could not decide.

Iverson frowned. “Did you and Sharma have a fight?”

Shiro paused with surprise. “N - no.”

“Really? He did not sound particularly happy.”

“He’s not really a morning person.”

“That’s not…” He paused, nodding. “Then what happened?”

Shiro hesitated, glancing down at his files.

“I need an honest answer, Shirogane.” Iverson took a step forward.

He did not like that. “We’re not expected to be on time every single day. Considering my work ethic –”

“I need to know when you’re not going to be available like that for hours. You’re forgetting your responsibilities –”

“Again, Iverson, we’re allowed to be late to work once in five years.” Shiro’s heart thumped with anger. 

He shook his head. “I need to know when we can’t reach you. If something were to happen –”

“Curtis picked up, didn’t he?”

“If he hadn’t –”

“Then you wait!” Shiro fumed. “I don’t run this place! The war’s over! If you want me to run this place, I want a better pay. Until then, I’m gonna be late to work once in a while.” 

Iverson’s face contorted with confusion and anger. “Are you –”

Shiro decided he had said everything he had to, and heard everything he needed to. He stomped past Iverson without waiting for his response.

He finished his meeting with the Canada staff that he could not avoid and then instead of accepting the rest of the four meetings of the day, he went back to his office.

Shiro sat staring at all the meetings on his calendar, many marked “Extremely Important” or “Urgent” or “Emergency”. He thought about what Curtis had told him and wondered if any of them were actually that important. 

The people who he was supposed to meet, and the people who set the meetings, Shiro was absolutely certain they had experienced what a real emergency was. And yet, they classified all these meetings as though there were lives on the line.

Then he realised that most of the agenda did deal with the survival of at least a few people. This was not just some normal job. People’s lives did depend on him. 

That was why he had been working so hard every day. 

One night of peaceful sleep made him forget that. If he continued having so many peaceful nights, he might never remember again what he had done to Allura and Coran, and the purpose of his job.

He brought his mouse over to the “Accept” button on the first meeting, but did not click. 

What was the worst that could happen? 

Shiro had been terrified that he would be fired and then the world would fall apart. A few years ago, back at the Castleship, that could have been the case. But now with the war over, now that he was no longer the black paladin or even a member of Voltron, if he stopped working, the world would move on.

Shiro felt himself slack at the thought of the world moving on without him. It was such a horrifying thought that he needed to pause for a moment to pull himself together.

He had worked so hard, so fucking hard, he had put his life on the line – he died for their cause – he gave everything and to think that the world would move on without him while he was still alive and capable. He hated the idea. It was unfair, it was cold and cruel. 

But if they did not need him, really need him, if lives were no longer on the line, he could put his attention on other things. Shiro could take Curtis out to that alien restaurant he was telling Shiro about today.

Maybe he could buy a hoverbike. He used to enjoy riding that, although he had been young and reckless back then. Veronica had told him that Adam had sold his after they announced his death.

Then he remembered that he was only 32. Some people got their first jobs at 32, some people started higher education at 32. Shiro could ride hoverbikes at 32. He could take his boyfriend out on an evening ride on his hoverbike. Although he doubted Curtis would like that very much.

Shiro checked the other meetings and contemplated. The clock on his wall and the one on his desk ticked on. He glanced out the window and watched the dust motes in the sunlight falling onto the tiny couch. He could not remember if he had ever washed the curtains, yet they looked spotless. The cleaning crew must be extremely diligent.

Shiro returned to his meetings and realised it was time for the first one. He was already late, even if he ran out now.

His computer dinged breathlessly as Veronica, Curtis, Rima, Iverson, and Iverson’s new secretary texted him, asking if he was running late.

Shiro sent them all the same text: “I will not be joining today’s meeting. Please send me the brief and the minutes of the meeting once the meeting concludes. I will go through them and update everyone with my notes.”

A minute later Veronica called him. For a moment, Shiro considered not answering, but then changed his mind. 

“You OK?” she asked, her voice hushed. How kind of her, despite her disappointment in him for hurting Curtis.

“Yeah… yeah. Sorry. Hold the fort today for me, OK?”

“Don’t worry about it. But… you sure you’re OK?”

Shiro frowned. “What did Curtis tell you?”

“Nothing in detail. You want to talk?”

“No. No, I’m fine. Talk to him, OK? If he wants. I’m fine. Sorry about today. I don’t want to cause too much trouble.”

“It’s no trouble.”

Then the next meeting came, and he did the same thing. And the next, and the next.

The briefs and reports piled in. More emails filled his inbox. Someone sent him a video message, an alien work custom that the Garrison was picking up. There were knocks on the door, and people walked in dropping files onto his desk, none of which he opened.

Shiro sat at his desk, watching his work pile up and up and up. He watched people enter thinking he was working and expecting him to help them.

For the first time in however long Shiro could remember, he could not work. It was not for a lack of trying. He went through some of the emails, he went through the first few reports. He went through the video message, which turned out to be from a new alien staff like he had assumed. 

He read the texts from his colleagues and typed his response a few times and then gave up. He did not know what to say.

Shiro watched the time fly by and when lunch time arrived, he was too scared to leave his room. He pulled out a protein bar from his drawer but could not eat it. 

He was terrified. Something was wrong with him.

He could not work.

It was as though the world had come to a standstill. It was as though Shiro was lost in the vacuum of space. It was as though he was lost in the middle of nowhere and he did not want to be found. 

“Are you coming for lunch?” Curtis asked him over text.

“Go ahead without me,” he answered, glad that he could at least text Curtis if no one else.

No one bothered him for lunch after that and he was free to worry in his office.

Shiro watched the sunlight move across his room and then disappear. The lights outside lit up and its faint light filled his room so that he was not plunged into darkness.

Shiro continued not working, doing nothing, not even eating, not even texting, not even reading the emails, not even answering people, ignoring Iverson and ignoring the Admiral.

He finally turned to the clock on the wall and saw it was 7:43 PM. Curtis should have left by then. He was probably home, not expecting Shiro to be around anymore.

A faint energy lit within him and he made a decision.

He opened a doc file and started typing. It was barely a few sentences. He had read so many since he became a commanding officer, so he knew the format like the back of his hand. Although he had never seen himself writing anything similar.

Shiro wrote his retirement letter that evening, subtly citing the criteria that he qualified for pension. He read it a few times, wondering if it sounded too cold or weird, then shrugged and sent it to Iverson anyway. 

Shiro sighed in relief. The feeling that something was wrong suddenly disappeared and he could move. He stood up and put the protein bar in the drawer, and then took it out to put it in his bag. 

He would have to clear his office but he did not have to do it tonight. He still had to serve his notice. He had to tie up some loose ends before he left, but that could be done tomorrow. 

If Voltron could move on without him, so can the Garrison and the Coalition. 

He had a life to live.

Shiro picked up his bag and stretched, sighing once more. He shut the windows and pulled the curtains. He packed his laptop and pads, his chargers, a few snacks from his snack drawer.

He stepped into the washroom to freshen up and fix his hair and uniform. 

Shiro looked at himself on the mirror and traced a finger over the scar on his nose. The other scars were much smaller and barely noticeable compared to that one. He touched the wrinkles on his forehead, beside his mouth and eyes, his throat, and exhaled in irritation. He did not look 32. 

But that was fine. He did not have to. He did not have to impress anyone with his youth and good looks. Curtis did not mind the lines.

Shiro left the washroom and turned all the lights off. He opened the door and paused to look at his desk, at the piles of files on it, at the worn down chair. He looked at the closed window and how he had spent the whole day staring out of it.

Once he was done, he shut the door and made his way back home to Curtis.

 

Notes:

Please drop a comment if you've read this chapter!

Chapter 53

Notes:

Would you believe me if I said this is my second time writing smut? I wrote an APH Hetalia England/France for a friend once. Instead of just reading it, she sent it back with notes. I thought I would be annoyed but I was actually extremely grateful since she wasn't asexual and her notes were very helpful.

Enjoy!

As Shiro walked back home, he realised he was finally seeing things as if until then he had been blind.

He noticed that they had changed the paint on some of the floors. A mural had been added on the ground floor entrance, next to the lift. He saw that their neighbour had added their name to their front door and a welcome mat. 

Shiro thought that they, too, could add a welcome mat instead of that ugly shoe cleaning mat that was always covered in dust and dirt. Shiro could look for something just as practical but also nice to look at.

He saw that the Garrison had added a new light outside their building which flooded the hallway to his apartment.

Shiro paused at his door and adjusted his bag on his shoulder nervously. He heard laughter from somewhere and assumed it was their neighbours.

Finally, he opened the door and quickly stepped in and shut the door. He saw that Curtis had left one of his woollen caps on the coat hanger, although Shiro could not fathom why.

He also noticed that Curtis had not been arranging the shoe rack, or cleaning the shoes, and the indoor mat by the door had not been washed in too long. One of the plants on the shoe rack needed immediate help. There was laundry on one of the chairs in the living room, an old plate by the window sill that needed to be in the dishwasher, a hair brush and one of Shiro’s medicine bottles on the coffee table, and the TV needed a wipe. 

Shiro’s eyes finally fell on Curtis curled up on the couch with all the pillows and the puffiest and pinkest blanket Shiro had ever seen. Curtis was swimming in them. When did they buy that blanket?

Curtis frowned at him and said, “What?”

Shiro stared at him.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Curtis demanded suspiciously. 

Shiro blinked, and shook his head. He lowered his eyes and saw that he, too, had not been cleaning his own work shoes. 

Curtis was not the tidiest person. Shiro liked things tidy these days, more so than Curtis, and had promised Curtis that he would keep their house clean. 

“I haven’t made dinner yet,” Curtis said, still suspicious. “I didn’t think you’d come home early again. Are you leaving after dinner?”

Shiro shook his head and looked up at him once more.

Curtis pushed his pillows and blanket aside and sat up. “OK, what’s up?”

“Hm?” Shiro took a step forward, biting his lip.

Curtis stood up. “Are you OK? You look funny.”

Shiro blinked furiously a few times as Curtis stepped closer and gripped him by the waist. Shiro placed his hands on his chest and drew in a deep breath.

“I quit my job.” The words sounded strange coming from his mouth in that order. I quit my job , he thought with disbelief. 

Curtis leaned away a little, a small confused smile curling his lips. He did not answer immediately. “Are you messing with me?”

Shiro shook his head. Maybe Curtis would hate him now. Maybe this was his last day with Curtis.

His grin fell. “Did they force you to quit?”

“No. No.” 

He frowned. “Tell me the truth. I need to know if they’re forcing you to do anything.”

“No one forced me. This was my decision.”

Curtis stared at him a bit longer and then started laughing. “Really? You quit your job?”

Shiro let out a confused laugh. “Y - yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“Wow!” He laughed again, holding him tighter. “That’s crazy! Are you - are you happy about this? Are you OK?”

“I… Are you – you’re not mad?” Shiro pulled away a little to look at him properly.

Curtis’s grin fell once more. “Mad? Why would I be mad? What happened? Did something else happen?”

“No… But I quit my job.”

Curtis squinted suspiciously. “Did you do that to make me mad?”

“No!”

“Then no, of course not. I’m not mad because you quit your job.”

Shiro hesitated. “You’re fine?”

“I’m more worried about you…” Curtis held him tighter. “No one’s been as devoted as you. I didn’t think you’d quit. I mean, I was telling you to take a few days off. I just didn’t think… but what happened? What made you quit?”

Shiro took a moment to think. “I don’t know.”

Curtis rubbed his back and waited patiently. 

Shiro shifted uncomfortably. “Are you sure you’re not mad?”

“No.” He laughed. “I’m not mad.”

Shiro nodded and dropped his head on Curtis’s shoulder. “OK. Thanks.”
“You’re… welcome…?”

“I couldn’t work. I thought I was losing my mind. I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Oh…” Curtis held him tighter. “I can imagine.”

Shiro rubbed his face on Curtis’s shirt and said, “Iverson’s gonna kill me. Coran’s probably gonna have to work with someone else. I wonder who’s going to replace me. I hope I don’t get jealous.”

“I don’t think they can replace you,” Curtis told him thoughtfully. “They’ll probably have to hire a separate Ambassador and a Captain for the IGF-Atlas.”

Shiro pulled back with terror. “They’ll need my arm.”

“They’re not gonna take your arm, Takashi.”

Shiro paused, his cheeks flushing at the sound of his own name. It was childish of himself but he could not help himself. Curtis smelled wonderful after his shower. His skin was warm and his flesh was soft. His dark eyes shone gently under the artificial lights. 

“I’ve missed you,” Shiro mumbled.

Curtis smiled, his eyes crinkling a little. Shiro had known he was handsome the first time he had seen Curtis. But to have him in his arms, in their little apartment, as he smelled like heaven and warm as a blanket, Shiro wanted to never let go. “I missed you, too.”

“I love you,” Shiro told him firmly. “I’m so sorry for how I’ve been behaving.”

“You had things to do and –”

“No. No, that doesn’t excuse it.” Shiro shook his head. “I’ll be better. I promise.”

Curtis laughed, his voice the sound of warm coffee being poured on a Sunday afternoon. “All right. Thank you.”

Shiro’s heart thumped. How could he have been so cold and cruel to such a beautiful man? “You’re kind,” he muttered, fighting tears.

“Mmm. OK, that’s enough.” Curtis brought his face close to his but did not kiss. “Just make up for the lost time and that’ll do.”

“OK.” Shiro kissed him. It was like tasting water after a long day in the sun. He wrapped an arm around Curtis’s shoulders and ran his fingers through his hair.

Curtis, too, held him tighter, pressing their chests togethers. It was a breathless and messy kiss. They did not care for decorum. Their teeth clashed, noses bumped, Shiro almost stepped on Curtis’s toe, barely surfacing to gulp in some hair, only to return immediately to their lips.

An involuntary moan escaped Shiro’s throat and Curtis pulled away just enough to speak.

“Are we doing something tonight?” Curtis asked him.

“Huh?” Shiro kissed him again, unbothered. All he wanted was Curtis. All that mattered was Curtis and his soft lips.

Curtis pulled away again. “Dinner –”

“I’ll do it,” Shiro told him between kissed. He nipped at Curtis’s lip but Curtis would not have it.

Curtis pulled away again. “No, you’re not making dinner. Not – no, I’m not prepared for –”

“I’ll buy you dinner. I’ll take you out.”

“It’s late –”

Shiro finally pulled away. “I’ll order. The canteen’s gonna be open all night. It’ll be fine.”

Curtis hesitated.

“What?”

“Are we going to…” Curtis glanced around. “Are we going to the bedroom ?” He whispered the last word.

Shiro snorted, almost spitting on him. 

“What?!”

“You’re so funny sometimes. We can go to the bedroom, if you’d like.” Shiro laughed.

Curtis pulled away some more. He was shocked, but so was Shiro. It had come out a lot more casual than Shiro had imagined it would. 

Curtis gaped at him for a few minutes and then practically pounced on him, kissing him, pawing him, pulling him closer and biting his lips. Shiro leaned into his touch and realised this did not terrify him. He was not afraid, he did not care. All he wanted to be with Curtis, tonight, that moment, and nothing else mattered. 

Curtis pulled away to take his t-shirt off and Shiro paused to admire him. Curtis had soft and slim features. He barely had a scar on him despite having fought at the war – privileges of being the comms officer. He had a soft waist that Shiro wrapped his arms around and a bony shoulder that Shiro pressed his mouth on. 

Curtis continued pawing at Shiro’s uniform until Shiro started to take it off. He took off the jacket and then untucked his undershirt from his belt. After that, he was suddenly afraid once more. 

Curtis hesitated as well. “We won’t do anything you don’t want to. I promise.”

Shiro laughed nervously. “I’m not smooth and shiny like you. I’ve got scars. That’s all.”

Curtis shook his head, grinning, and kissed him a few times. “I might have a thing for it, you never know.” He ran his finger across a large scar on Shiro’s arm in a way that gave him goosebumps.

“OK, no.” Shiro shut his eyes with annoyance. 

“I’m serious. I have a thing for you, so who knows, maybe I have a subconscious –”

“Please stop.” Shiro quickly took his undershirt off quickly, his heart skipping a beat.

Curtis’s grin fell immediately and Shiro saw him make a face that Shiro had feared. Curtis drew in a sharp breath and clamped his mouth shut. His eyes flittered across Shiro, taking in everything for more than a few seconds. Shiro stood waiting for Curtis to recover from his shock and relieve him from his embarrassment. He had not felt so naked in a long time.

Curtis’s eyes finally rose to meet Shiro’s and he blinked rapidly, taking a hold of himself. Shiro expected an apology or a declaration that it truly was that bad, maybe even disgust and rejection. None of which Shiro wanted to hear. Still, he prepared an answer that was not harsh or rude.

But then Curtis grinned and said, “I knew you were hot but not this hot.”

Shiro flushed scarlet, even more embarrassed and now speechless. 

“Can I hold you?” Curtis asked, opening his arms.

Shiro hesitated, trying to understand the comment. He could not decide whether he should be offended or grateful. But at least it wasn’t what he had expected. So he put his arms around Curtis’s shoulders and kissed him. 

Curtis ran his long gentle fingers across his sides and Shiro almost leaped in surprise at the sensation. “Oh, wow,” Curtis mumbled and gripped Shiro’s chest with both hands squeezing till his nipples protested. 

Shiro did not know what to do, so he continued kissing him. 

“Maybe I had ulterior motives, you know?” Curtis said, his eyes wide.

“What?”

“Maybe I’m just with you for your looks.”

“Shut up, Curtis, and just fuck me.” Shiro, surprised at himself once more, did not bother to wait for Curtis anymore. He wrapped his good arm around Curtis’s thighs and picked him up, eliciting a small squeak out of him. Shiro had always found it extremely convenient that Curtis did not weigh that much despite being taller than Shiro. 

Deciding that he still needed to be nice, he picked up the blanket from the couch and stomped into the bedroom. “Mind your head.”

Curtis ducked hastily and said, “Lights!”

“Never mind.” 

Shiro placed him gently on the bed and paused. Curtis was gaping at him from the bed, eyes wide and lips parted. Shiro flushed once more. “We can’t get too rough tonight. I never stocked up.”

“I - I did,” Curtis sputtered, and pointed at his side of the wardrobe.

Shiro did not move for a moment. “Have you been planning my retirement?”

Curtis sat up and gripped Shiro’s belt, pulling him closer. He undid Shiro’s belt and pulled it out in a dramatic movement, only to toss it onto the floor. He took his time unbuttoning Shiro’s pants, slowly pulling down the zipper. Curtis had his mouth so close to his bulge that Shiro, unable to contain himself, stepped forward and pressed himself against Curtis’s cheek.

“Get the stuff,” Curtis commanded.

Shiro’s pants slid lower as he walked up to the wardrobe, hunted for the secret stash with Curtis’s vague directions, and returned with the condoms and lube.

Shiro handed them to Curtis and took his pants off and then his boxers. He stood naked and self-conscious before Curtis, and hesitated once more. He wondered what he was doing, whether he was making the right decision, whether he should do it now, and that, too, with Curtis whom he had known intimately only for a few years.

 Curtis stared at his erection, and then at him. He dropped the lube and condom on the bed and took Shiro by the hand. “You ready?” he asked breathlessly.

Shiro decided that it did not matter whether he was making the right decision. He was young, he was in love, and he was going to bed with his sweet and kind boyfriend. 

Sex was one of the most normal things he could do.

Shiro smiled and climbed onto the bed, and Curtis took the opportunity to slap his left butt cheek, startling him. Curtis grinned at his indignation but yelped when Shiro grabbed his pants and pulled them off.

Curtis did look different down there, and he definitely had scars that were very different from Shiro’s. It was wonderful, Shiro thought. Curtis was wonderful, his dick, his wide grin, his slender hands, his dark hair, his brown eyes – Curtis was beautiful.

Shiro barely remembered what sex had been like when he had been with Adam. All he remembered was the joy and delight of touches and kisses. So he bent over and kissed Curtis between his legs, his hips, his thighs. He climbed higher, kissing his stomach and chest, taking a nipple in his mouth.

Curtis was laughing as Shiro kissed his neck.

“I want you to fuck me,” Shiro demanded.

Curtis pushed him onto the bed almost roughly, and leaped onto him. “I’ll be careful, don’t worry,” he promised. 

Shiro laughed and settled onto the pillow, his fingers never Curtis’s skin. Curtis kissed his chest and stomach, his tongue out and lips parted. His hot breath made Shiro shudder and when Curtis had reached between his legs, a low moan escaped. 

Curtis ran his hand across Shiro’s stomach, pausing for a moment to look at the scars. Shiro could almost see what Curtis was thinking – he was wondering what had caused the scars as some did not like they were from a fight. But that did not stop him. Curtis bent over once more, kissing the scars and running his tongue over them. He did not seem to mind. 

Curtis tore himself away and smiled at Shiro. “Hold still and try to relax,” he told Shiro. “Tell me if I hurt you.”

Shiro shivered. He looked up at the ceiling and focused on relaxing. Curtis’s finger was cold as he massaged and rubbed Shiro, making him shiver some more. When the finger entered, a jolt ran through him. His heart thumped and he drew in a deep breath.

Shiro waited, and so did Curtis, for a few seconds, and then the finger went in deeper and slowly deeper. A grunt escaped his throat.

“Does it hurt?” Curtis asked nervously.

Shiro shook his head. 

Curtis started kissing him again. He kissed the thighs where Shiro discovered he was ticklish, he kissed Shiro on the hips and gently nipped his skin. Curtis pressed his face against the white hair between his legs and kissed the length of his dick, his tongue hot and wet. His breath made him shift in surprise and Curtis took that moment to plunge in another cold finger. 

A soft yelp left his lips and he laughed at himself. He raised his head to look at Curtis with wide eyes. “Put it in!” he almost whined.

“Hang on!” Curtis laughed. He parted his fingers. 

Shiro threw his head back, his back arching. “Aah!” 

He waited impatiently as Curtis prepared him, slipping in a third finger. Shiro wanted the dick and not the cold fingers opening him like an envelope. 

“All right.” Curtis pulled out the fingers and put on the condom hastily, lubing himself generously. “You ready?” he asked once more.

Shiro nodded breathlessly. “Yes, yes! Yes!” His eyes were on Curtis’s dick. His face was on fire and his heart was skipping.

Curtis positioned himself over Shiro, planting his knees on either side of him, and gripped a buttcheek with one hand. Shiro kept his eyes on Curtis’s face and watched the concentration between his frowning brows. 

“Oof!” It felt much larger than a finger. 

“Just the tip,” Curtis told him immediately. “Sorry, does it hurt?”

“Nope.” Shiro huffed. “Just surprised me.”

Curtis gave him a confused look. “I literally asked if you’re ready.”

“Yes, yes! Sorry, just – just –” Shiro reached out and touched Curtis’s hair. It felt like nothing in his prosthetic fingers. 

Curtis turned his face, shutting his eyes, and nuzzled his hand. “You’re OK, you’re OK.”

“Yeah.” 

Curtis leaned over and kissed him, his lips, his cheeks, his throat. “I’m going in,” he murmured.

Shiro nodded and felt Curtis slipping himself inside, taking his time, and surprised Shiro with the length and girth. Curtis’s face was flushed with concentration and Shiro believed so was his own. 

When he was fully in, Curtis waited for Shiro to settle. Shiro touched his hair again. Curtis finally positioned himself to thrust and Shiro drew in a deep breath, unable to wait any longer.

He was slow at first, barely moving. Shiro waited to feel anything. Feeling nothing, he watched Curtis instead. His eyes were lowered to where he had entered Shiro and he exhaled at each thrust. The muscles on his arms were taut, his forehead sweaty. He seemed unaware that Shiro was watching him.

“Do you want me to move? What do I do?” Curtis asked. He sounded a little distressed.

“I’m not – I’m not sure.”

They shifted and moved this way and that, trying to find the right position. And then suddenly Shiro felt it, deep inside him, making his heart flutter like wings. 

“Yes!” he exclaimed. “There!”

“Now?”

“No, no, n – yes! Yes, th – there – this –”

“Like this?”

“Yes, oh my god, yes!”

Shiro grunted as Curtis thrust himself hard. He gasped and hissed and moaned and threw his arms around Curtis. He was so startled he grabbed Curtis by the arm. He did not remember feeling so good. He did not think he could feel like this. 

“Go deeper!” he hissed, and Curtis obeyed.

He pulled Curtis closer, pressing their sweaty chests together. He wanted to be closer than they were, with Curtis fully inside him and their bodies pressed together, his arms around Curtis as he panted into Shiro’s neck.

Curtis seemed to understand what he wanted and quickened his pace.

“Curtis!” he gasped, unsure why.

Curtis looked at him and said nothing. His lips were parted, his breath coming in pants, his eyes were squinted, and his brows knitted tightly. 

Shiro’s back arched again, this time with much force. His eyes squeezed shut and his moans mingled with Curtis’s. It came like a wave, washing all over him to the tips of his toes, leaving him shuddering and still moaning.

Curtis shifted a little and continued thrusting. He bent over, moaning into Shiro’s ear. Shiro kissed his shoulder, his eyes on his curved back. Curtis faltered and Shiro ran his tongue over the shell of Curtis’s ear. He raised his legs and locked his ankles around Curtis, pinning him against himself.

Curtis shoved in the last few thrusts, faltering further. He pressed his mouth against Shiro’s neck, moaning loudly as he came. Shiro bit his ear and grazed his teeth against his shoulder, fighting the urge to devour him. 

“Takashi…”

Curtis shuddered and panted, his sweaty chest rising and falling against Shiro’s.

They listened to each other pant and moan, holding each other for a moment, until Curtis’s knees finally gave away.

As soon as he lay down, Curtis got up once more and took Shiro’s dick in his hand, stroking it. Shiro turned around and kissed Curtis softly. Their breaths mingled as Shiro panted. Shiro ran his fingers through Curtis’s hair, stroking his face, his eyes, his nose and his mouth. 

Curtis slipped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer to kiss his throat. His tongue slid across his collarbone, reached his throat and went up to his jaw and his ear.

“Just come on my hand,” Curtis whispered.

Shiro gasped, startled, and came on both of them and his hand. “Ah, shit,” he mumbled involuntarily. He made an attempt to wipe it off of Curtis’s thigh and only managed to smear it more. “Oh.”

Curtis burst out giggling and lied back down, shutting his eyes. 

Shiro stared at him, not knowing what to do. So he pulled his knees up and buried his face into Curtis’s shoulder. 

Curtis stopped laughing and turned to him with a smile. “You OK?”

Shiro nodded silently.

“You sure?”

“I’ll get a towel for the cum.”

“Huh?”

“Cum. Towel.” He sat up, but Curtis leaped up as well.

“Hang on, Takashi.”

“Cum, towel.”

“I’ll get the cum towel. Stay put.” 

Shiro remained sitting obediently. Curtis got up and paused to look around as though searching for something, and then he turned back to Shiro. Curtis cupped his cheek and pressed a kiss on the other cheek. “Are you cold?” he asked.

“A little.”

“OK.”

Curtis went to the bathroom and Shiro heard the tap running.

Shiro leaned over and peered at his naked back in the bathroom. The dim lights of the bedroom had adjusted him into the darkness and the bright white lights of the bathroom burned his eyes. Still, he could not take his eyes off of Curtis. 

Curtis returned with a towel, and again, Shiro watched him hungrily. Curtis sat down next to him and when Shiro reached for it, he pulled it back. 

“Lie down and relax.”

Instead, Shiro kissed him. Curtis returned the kiss and pulled away to grin at him. “Give me a second,” he said and started wiping him. 

It was the most natural thing ever. Shiro felt so safe and content that he had to chuckle at himself for being so afraid for so long. 

“That was really amazing, Curtis.” He ran his fingers through Curtis’s hair.

Curtis only smiled, saying nothing.

“Did you like it?”

Having finished wiping, Curtis tossed the towel and pushed him down onto his back and climbed onto him. “Yes. Yes, I loved it.” 

Shiro wrapped his arms around his back as Curtis lay on top of him. “I’m not gonna let you go,” Shiro said, grinning. “You’re stuck here forever with me.”

“I’ll compromise.” Curtis dropped his head onto Shiro’s shoulder and sighed.

Shiro raised his eyes to the dimly lit white ceiling and wondered if he should paint it a different colour. 

“Do you want a dark ceiling?” he asked Curtis. He stroked Curtis’s soft hair and breathed in his scent.

“I’ve heard a dark ceiling helps with sleep,” Curtis muttered.

“OK.”

“What are you thinking?”

“Other than the fact that you’ve got a really massive dick?”

“The Garrison insurance paid for it, so I thought why not?”

“Not that I have a lot of experience.”

“I’m sure you’ve seen larger stuff in space.”

“Nothing that went inside me.”

Curtis raised his head to squint at him. “What are you thinking?”

“Well, now I’m thinking about your dick. But I was thinking about learning to cook. You do a lot in the kitchen. I think it’s time I stopped feeding you charcoal.”

“Like a stay-at-home boyfriend? I’d like that.”

Shiro paused, surprised at being referred to as a stay-at-home anything. He has always been extremely career-driven. 

“Or you could be a professional cook.”

“I don’t like it when you make fun of me.”

“It was a genuine suggestion. Make use of your future culinary degree. Maybe Hunk would hire you.”

“Hm.” 

Shiro raised his eyes back to the ceiling. “Before that I was thinking about painting the ceiling. And the wall behind the TV.”

Curtis pushed himself to his elbows. “Takashi.”

“Hm?”

“Are you OK?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Was it good? Are you happy?”

Shiro squeezed him until he flailed. “Yes. Yes, Curtis. I had a great time. Thank you.”

Curtis pressed a quick kiss on his chin. “You, too.” 

Shiro raised his eyes back to the ceiling and tried to think of a dark colour that Curtis would like for the ceiling.

 

Notes:

Maybe don't leave a comment on this one. Yeesh

Chapter 54

Notes:

Let's just pretend the last chapter never happened. I write this for fun and practice cause I'm broke and unemployed. No other reason.

Enjoy

Shiro awoke to the sound of his phone ringing. He grumbled irritably. He had had the most peaceful sleep of his life just then. Curtis was holding him, an arm and a leg around him, as how they had fallen asleep. 

“Turn it off!” Curtis muttered into his neck, half asleep as well.

Shiro realised they had missed dinner.

As he reached out to pick up the phone, he found himself sore in places he had not been sore before even after a brutal fight. “Mffph.” He shoved Curtis off of himself with annoyance. “My ass hurts,” he grunted. “And my back. What did you do?”

“Fucked you.” He sounded awake now.

Shiro looked at the screen and saw it was almost midnight and the caller was Iverson.

“Ow!” Curtis exclaimed and hastily sat up. “Turn on the lights, Takashi.”

Shiro turned it on and they both gasped.

“Oh, fuck.” Curtis jumped off the bed and ran to the mirror. He had a rather large bruise on his left arm. On his back were a few more smaller bruises sprinkled about.

“Curtis… your back…” Shiro got up, phone in hand, still unanswered. 

“Oh, shit.” Curtis snatched a mirror from a drawer and turned around to look at his back. He pressed one of the bruises and it disappeared for a moment, but when he removed his finger, the bruise was back. “Huh.”

Shiro stepped closer, too speechless and horrified to do or say anything. He stood staring at Curtis and tried not to punch himself. 

“Are you going to answer that?” Curtis asked, frowning.

Shiro looked down at the phone and then back at Curtis. He pressed the green button but the call ended at that moment. He was grateful.

“Who was it?”

“Iverson.” Shiro tossed his phone at the bed and rubbed his face, trying to think of something to say. “Curtis, I’m… I…”

“Look, it doesn’t actually hurt that bad.” He pointed at the one on his shoulder. “This one, I don’t like. What exactly did you do?”

Shiro buried his face into his hand. “I don’t… I’m so… I don’t know, Curtis. I’m so sorry. That was so stupid. I should’ve taken off the arm.”

“That base hurts just as bad when you get careless, so it wouldn’t have made a difference.”

Shiro gaped at him. “You never said anything!”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings!”

“What feelings! It’s just a prosthetic! I would’ve done something!”

Curtis shrugged as though he did not care. 

“I –” Shiro threw his hands in frustration. “I’ll sort this out. I promise it won’t happen again.”

He smiled. “OK. Thanks.”

“Are you OK?” Shiro placed his good hand on Curtis’s chest and carefully kept the prosthetic away from him.

Curtis laughed. “Yeah. I’m OK.”

“I’ll get you some ice.”

“I don’t want to be cold right now.”

Shiro groaned. “God, didn’t you feel anything? It didn’t hurt then?”

“Did your ass hurt then?”

Shiro groaned again. “This is worse!”

“Not really. Imagine going to the hospital and being told your boyfriend’s dick is too big for you. Death by penis.”

Shiro flushed and told himself it was with irritation and nothing else. “It’s ungodly.”

Curtis placed his hands on his hips and gently dragged them down to his buttcheeks. “You said you were going to buy me dinner.”

“Your fault for falling asleep.” He pressed his forehead against Curtis’s.

“You want to go to the canteen?”

Shiro shook his head. “I’ll bring something for you from there. You have work tomorrow.”

“I’ll take tomorrow off. We could do this again. A few times.”

Shiro grinned, heavily tempted. “You think so?”

At that moment, the doorbell rang. It rang three times rather frantically. Shiro snatched his boxers and Curtis tossed him a tank with some holes in it. A very short pause followed the bell and a fist immediately started thumping on the door.

So Shiro put on the tank with holes and his tiny boxes and, feeling terribly insecure, he ran to the door. 

He peered through the peephole and found Iverson pacing outside. He looked like he had murdered someone. Behind him stood his new secretary.

Shiro quickly opened the door. “What happened?” he demanded, already preparing for a defense against an invasion.

Iverson looked at him, lips turned down into a deep frown and his eyes almost bulging. “Have you lost  your goddamn mind?!” he growled.

The secretary spoke with a red face, “I tried to stop him, sir. I’m so sorry.”

Shiro took a few steps back to let them in. “Is it the Galra?”

Iverson seemed confused by that question and suddenly seemed to calm down. He looked behind Shiro and said, “Put a shirt on, Sharma.”

Shiro glanced back and found Curtis standing shirtless and wearing Shiro’s shorts. He was gaping at both of them, looking offended at that comment.

“Iverson, it’s the middle of the night,” Shiro told him defensively.

Iverson turned back to his secretary and said, “All right, get back to work.”

“My shift ended an hour ago, sir.” The secretary turned to Shiro for help.

“Go home then.” Iverson shut the door on their face and turned back to Shiro with a withering glare. “Have you lost your goddamn mind?” he demanded again, much calmer this time.

“Should I get dressed?” Curtis asked. 

“No.” Iverson did not look at him. “You think this is a joke? Huh, Shirogane?”

Shiro finally realised what it was about and had the urge to burst out laughing, which was immediately followed with the urge to kick Iverson out. “It’s the middle of the quizznacking night.”

“What?” Curtis asked desperately. “What is it?”

“Does he know?” Iverson pointed at Curtis. “Or was it your idea? He’s been acting funny since you two got together.”

“That’s out of line, Iverson,” Shiro spoke angrily. 

“You want to quit?” Iverson hissed.

Curtis rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. He turned around and started looking for a shirt. 

“I am quitting.” Shiro pinched the bridge between his eyes. “We can do this tomorrow.”

“I was in bed when my secretary called.” He started pacing. “You know I hired that punk to help me bring down stress? And that shithead calls me and says ‘Shirogane quit’. I was in fucking bed! With my wife !”

Shiro realised Iverson was not going to leave and turned to Curtis apologetically. Curtis did not seem particularly bothered. Unable to find a shirt in the living room, Curtis had put on a jacket and lay down on the couch, watching them.

“Have you lost your goddamn mind?” Iverson asked again.

“I am allowed to quit.” Shiro rolled his eyes.

“Do you have any idea the shit I had to pull to make you Ambassador?”

“I’m already Captain. I told you I didn’t even want to be Ambassador!”

Iverson shook his head as if he did not care. “You think the Admiral is gonna let this go so easily?”

Shiro frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Iverson paused to pace some more. “Neither I nor the Admiral will accept your resignation. You know that. Is this a scare tactic? Is this some kind of twisted leverage? Allura’s gone, Voltron’s gone, Coran refuses to step foot on Earth because – for whatever reason! You think the Coalition will trust us if you quit overnight like this?”

“Wow,” Curtis muttered. “Why can’t you show this side when we’re negotiating with Galrans?”

“That’s enough, Iverson,” Shiro tells him quietly. “Go home. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Iverson sighed, finally calming down. He dragged himself weakly to a chair and sat down heavily with a groan as though he was in pain. He ran a hand across his shiny dome. Shiro took the moment to step into the bedroom to put on the robe that was hardly ever used and always smelled strange. 

He did not bother tying it as he sat down opposite Iverson. The man was clearly having a crisis. Shiro had not meant to cause him so much stress, but it should not have caused him to barge into his home so late at night. 

Iverson raised his eyes to Curtis and said grimly, “I’m sorry for waking you up with this. It slipped my mind that you two live together.”

Curtis glanced at Shiro with an amused smirk. “I understand. He’s mentioned he’s been with you longer than me.”

Shiro opened his mouth to protest but decided Curtis had the right to complain.

Iverson turned now to Shiro. He stared at Shiro for a while. “We put in a lot of hard work into setting up peace after the war. You put in a lot of work. I understand where you’re coming from. Young people need to process their shit in their own way.”

“This is the first time you’ve called me young since I got back,” Shiro could not help muttering.

“No,” Curtis told him quietly.

“If you quit overnight like this, it’s going to ruin everything we worked so hard to build. There is always some rumour going on about you and the Princess. And in the past year, people have noticed that you’re not visiting Altea.”

“We went there at the funeral,” Curtis interrupted.

Iverson ignored him. He leaned forward and said, “Don’t fuck this up at the end.”

“I qualify for retirement.” Shiro gestured at his prosthetic. “And I could always quit once Honerva died.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. You’re a smart kid. I know you know what'll happen if you disappear from the Garrison one night without any notice.”

“I will be doing my notice –”

“People will notice!”

“He’s right,” Curtis said, sitting up. “But you can release a statement in the next few weeks. We can take it slow. He doesn’t have to go back to work.”

Iverson gave him a suspicious look, but nodded anyway. “Yes. That’s all I’m asking. You stay at your station. I’ll bring down the workload. You can have my secretary. We’ll let you go in the next few years.”

“Years!” Curtis exclaimed, turning to Shiro desperately.

Shiro smiled, shaking his head. It sounded silly that Iverson expected that much from him. But Shiro has not given Iverson reason to not expect that. “I’m not staying for years, Iverson.”

“I have an idea.” He raised a hand. “Why don’t you take the next two days off? Think this through? You can –”

“No. No, I’m not taking two days off.”

“I can’t give you more than a week!” Iverson hissed at him.

Shiro kept shaking his head. How did he not understand that Shiro could not work? Did he need to get Medical involved? 

“How about a vacation?” Curtis suggested. 

“Fine! Fine, take the week off. Go on a vacation. Sharma, you take the week off, too. Go with him. Stay on a beach. Fuck on the Moon. Get your head straight.”

Shiro glanced sharply at Curtis, a little flustered at the suggestion. “No.”

“Seven days, not including weekends and holidays.”

Shiro hesitated. He had something that he did not have before and that was clarity. “Four months.”

Curtis grinned at him.

Iverson barked out a dry laugh. “I’m not joking, Shirogane. Seven days not including weekends and holidays. This is the best anyone can get right now.”

“It’s peace time. That’s why the Atlas has been parked indefinitely. We’re considering remodelling . You don’t need me full time for that.”

“Look –”

“Four months.”

Iverson turned to Curtis for support but Curtis only attempted to hide his grin. “I’ll do 20 days.”

“Four months.”

“25.”

“Four months, Iverson.”

Iverson let out a weak laugh. “If I could do your job for four months without you, I could let you retire right now.”

Shiro hesitated. The thought of people’s lives being on the line made him reconsider. “Two months. I will be available for emergencies when I retire. I’ll always be online for whatever help you need during vacation and retirement. I’ll help you hire a replacement once I’m back.”

Iverson nodded slowly. “Take the first month off and see how that goes.”

“No.”
“ Take the first month off and see how that goes.” He turned to Curtis. “Keep an eye on him. Take a week off – maybe two weeks. Take him out on a few dates. Fix him and bring him back to me sane and sensible.”

Curtis only glanced between them.

Shiro drew in a deep breath. “Fine.”

Iverson exhaled heavily, staring at the chips and crumbs on the coffee table. “I remember the day I first saw him at the Academy,” he told Curtis, pointing at Shiro. “He could barely speak English.”

“I was very good in English,” Shiro told Curtis immediately. “My grandfather taught me. He was really good at it.” They were both surprised at that sudden nugget of history given so freely.

“Yeah? You were shit. You didn’t sound American.”

“I wasn’t American.”

Iverson pointed at Shiro again, grinning. “I knew those two would do something the moment I saw them.”

Shiro’s eyes widened. He felt violated that his permission had been asked before bringing Adam up. But he did not hold a copyright to Adam Wakefield. 

Iverson turned to him, still grinning. “If you weren’t so ambitious, and didn’t apply for the early graduation, I wouldn’t be surprised if Adam Wakefield had taken your place.”

His place . He knew Iverson only meant his poster child role before the Galra appeared in their lives. But to Shiro, his entire identity revolved around his role in the last war. To imagine that Adam could have been in his place at the prison twisted his gut into a knot. 

Iverson pushed himself to his feet with a groan. “What kind of hosts don’t offer guests even a drop of water?”

“You almost broke down the door,” Curtis said.

Iverson gestured at Curtis to relax and placed a hand on Shiro’s shoulder. He squinted at Shiro for a few moments, and then said, “Thanks for reconsidering.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice.”

“No…” Iverson patted his shoulder and looked around the apartment, peering at everything carefully. “No, we’re not the Galra. You always have a choice.” He turned and slowly made his way to the door like an old man. “Get some new clothes. Maybe something that’s not black.” He glanced at his tank with a grimace. “Everything doesn’t have to be black.”

Shiro stood up walking to the door with him. “If there’s any emergency, call me.”

“If you leave the country, inform the other branches. Wherever you’re going… In the case of an invasion.”

Shiro nodded, smiling. He opened the door for Iverson but he paused before stepping out.

“We’d appreciate you more the way you want, Shirogane, but we can’t replace you,” Iverson said grimly. “You’ve made yourself invaluable.”

Shiro shook his head. “You won’t be saying that a week later.”

Iverson snorted, nodding. He ran a hand across his head once more. “Good night.”

Shiro shut the door and turned around to make sure Curtis was all right. Curtis smiled at him. “I know they’ll replace you. That’s how the world works.”

“That didn’t come out very nice, Curtis,” Shiro told him with a chuckle.

“Right. Sorry.”

“Come on. Let’s get you some dinner. You have two weeks to sleep in.”

 

Notes:

OK you guys can go back to commenting again. Please and thank you.

Chapter 55

Notes:

I moved! We don't have a shower and one of the toilets don't work. We didn't have hot water until yesterday. But it's a 3 bedroom flat!!! Full of dust and unopened boxes, and we're getting on each other's nerves because we're so fucking stressed. But it's a 3 bedroom flat!!!!

Anyway, here's a chapter with some Curtashi.

Enjoy!

Curtis offered to drive as he had picked the restaurant. It was the only one open that had the stuff Curtis wanted. 

Shiro sat beside him and stared out the window. There were possibilities now. He had options. Something he never had before. If Curtis did quit his job, they could move to a city. Then they would have even more options, at least with regards to midnight dinners. 

Curtis drove silently, occasionally placing a hand on his leg. They had taken their Garrison jeep, the one that Curtis loathed with every ounce of his being. However he refused to spend money on a car while they had access to free vehicles. Shiro wondered if he would object to a hoverbike. They were not cheap.

The whole drive there, Shiro tried to come up with something to do during his “vacation”. He had two months to decide until he officially retired. 

He had fought so hard for time for so long that now that he had it, he did not know what to do with it. There was just so much of it. He wanted to use it wisely, do something useful and worthwhile with all this time. But he has already done worthwhile things. This time was for himself. This was his vacation, his retirement, his time. He had to spend it on himself. 

But doing what? Did he even know how to serve himself? He could not remember what he used to do for fun before all this started. He only remembered how much he missed that life. Not what he missed about that life.

At dinner, Shiro kept his hat on but took his sunglasses off. It was already weird to wear sunglasses at night, but to wear it indoors would be the opposite of discreet. 

Curtis got spaghetti for himself, saying he wanted something a bit bland. “Too late for spicy,” he explained. 

Shiro spent several minutes trying to decide what he wanted and failed. He had always been so sure of what to decide. 

“Since you like meat so much, why not get a steak?” Curtis suggested.

“I work out a lot. I need the protein,” Shiro mumbled awkwardly.

“You like meat.”

“I like vegetables, too.”

Curtis asked for some more time and after the waiter left, he leaned over and took his hand. “What’s going on?” he asked quietly.

“What do you mean?” Shiro turned away, flipping through the menu.

“You don’t like meat anymore?”

“I do. I also like veggies. And there’s soup. And rice. There’s a lot of options. I thought this was Italian. There’s a Chinese section.”

“What do you want for dinner, Takashi?” Curtis squeezed his hand.

Shiro huffed. “Fine, I’ll take the steak. It comes with some vegetables, too, right?”

“The steak cause I said so? There’s some good soup.”

“That’s not a meal.”

Curtis nodded. “Yeah, you work out.” He pointed vaguely at the menu. “How about rice?”

“Are you trying to make things difficult for me?” Shiro demanded.

“Nope. Nope.” Curtis laughed. “Just pick what you want. If you don’t like it, we’ll get something else.”

“And what do we do with the steak then?”

“We’ll pack it.” He shrugged.

Shiro envied the laid-back attitude. He nodded. “All right. I’ll get the steak then.”

Curtis told him about work as they ate, he reminded Shiro to clean the apartment now that he had time, and he reminded Shiro about painting the ceiling and the culinary school. He told Shiro about his middle sister’s adventurous dating life, his oldest sister’s plans of changing jobs, his parents considering visiting India. Curtis told him he wanted to make steak the next day, and asked him to help him in the kitchen.

Shiro nodded, listening carefully and sincerely, smiling and asking him to continue and tell him more. 

Curtis did not pause to ask him to talk. It was not unusual for Shiro not to have anything to say for an entire conversation. Curtis talked enough for both of them during then.

It was well past midnight when they left the restaurant. Yet, the streets were lit up and full of people. A lot of tables had been put out on alleys and bylanes for some stores to sell their food. A food truck had parked outside the restaurant and set up a few tables. Most of these places were alien owned. 

“You remember what it was like when we didn’t know aliens were real?” Curtis asked. He was watching an Olkari couple dancing by the food truck. A middle aged human woman sat nearby playing her guitar.

“Not really,” Shiro answered with embarrassment. “You do?”

He nodded. “I can’t say this is bad. I love the variety. There’s just so much more colour now. But I do miss it.”

“Yeah?” Shiro took his hand as they strolled slowly by the food truck watching the couple sway to the music. 

Curtis looked up at the sky and saw the lamps and the street lights. With so much artificial light, none of the stars were visible. 

Shiro wished they were in space and could watch the stars to their hearts’ content.

“Things were simpler then.” Curtis paused to let a cyclist by. “We’ll never have an all-human community again.”

Shiro nodded. “Yeah.”

“I’m sure people will try. Later on. I mean, that’s how we are, right?”

“You think so?”

“I don’t know.” He lowered his eyes to watch the Olkari couple again. “I guess… I don’t think things were better then. We just… didn’t have to deal with the aftermath of a war then.”

Shiro tugged at his arm, pulling him closer. Hesitantly, he pulled Curtis closer to the guitarist and placed a hand on his shoulder. Curtis did not particularly like getting very touchy in public. And he definitely did not dance. But Shiro wanted to, and he wanted to risk it and see if Curtis would protest. 

He had expected Curtis to politely shake his head like he always did. But instead, Curtis smiled and placed a hand on his hip and took his good hand, his flesh and blood hand, swaying to the music. “I don’t know how to dance,” he whispered.

“It’s OK. Neither do I.” Shiro giggled. Shiro watched Curtis look around anxiously.

“I think they recognise you, Takashi,” he murmured.

“It’s OK.”

“I know the war’s over but they never really officially took down the bounty on your head.”

“There are no Galrans rich and powerful enough to pay the bounty.”

“Hmm.”

“Maybe it gets better, you know. Curtis. Maybe… maybe it’s going to be different in a good way.”

“It hasn’t been that bad. Yet. I mean, look at me, I’m dancing in public. Romantically .”

They laughed.

Shiro paused, his grin falling. It broke his heart that Curtis had suffered. Shiro wished he had known Curtis this well before he had left. He wished he had been there when the invasion had happened. He could have done something to make things easier. He knew, even without a Lion, he could have made a difference.

Curtis only grinned at him. He looked a little awkward, but not enough to stop.

“I’m so sorry you went through all that during the invasion,” Shiro said. “We should’ve been there. I’m sorry you had no choice.”

Curtis’s grin dropped as well.

Shiro regretted bringing it up and ruining the mood.

“Yeah. I know how you feel. But it happened and... it wasn’t your fault. You had Lotor to deal with and…” He was smiling again. “I’m just glad you’re back and you’re here with me. I’m just glad it’s all over now.”

Shiro nodded. “I won’t let you go through anything like that again.”

Curtis pulled him closer. “You can’t promise that. I work on the Atlas.”

Shiro nodded. He had to think through a few things. “I know. I’ll fix it.” He glanced at Curtis’s right arm, at the bruises. “I’ll fix everything. You’ll be OK. I promise. I’ll do everything.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I should’ve already. Just wait and see.”

“All right.”

“I love you.”

“I love  you, too, Takashi.”

 

Notes:

Please drop a comment if you liked it!

Chapter 56

Notes:

Hi! Sorry for the wait! I was doing this thing and didn't have access to this account :') My fingers were itching to write so I wrote a short story during that time which I'm uploading here.

lmao I like to pretend more one human being is reading my stuff

anyway sending this chapter to the void. Enjoy!

When he called Sam the next morning, Curtis was still asleep. From the sound of his voice, it sounded like Sam had been asleep as well. 

Sam coughed and sniffled loudly, clearing his throat as though his lungs would come out, before he greeted Shiro. Shiro waited patiently.

He was in the kitchen so as to not wake Curtis, although he doubted anything less than Atlas's ear-splitting alarms would disturb his slumber. “Good morning, Sam,” he said once Sam was done hacking up his tonsils. “Did I wake you up?”

“Uh…” He paused, contemplating as though Shiro had asked him a very loaded question. “No. Not at all, Shiro. How are you?” He let out a little grunt.

“What are you doing? Are you OK?”

“Yes. Getting, uh, getting breakfast.”

“I woke you up, didn’t I?”

“Not all of us are so young.” 

Shiro smiled. This was the second time someone had called him young. Maybe threatening to quit was a good idea. Maybe it was a very youthful act that people at Iverson or Sam’s age never attempted. 

“I thought you quit,” Sam said, sounding a little refreshed. He blew his nose loudly.

“Were you always this mucus-ridden? I can’t remember you –”

“No, Shiro, I wasn’t this mucus-ridden before the Galra imprisoned me. I aged significantly there. Thank you for your keen observation.”

“Sorry.” Shiro wondered if Sam just did not like being woken up or if he was genuinely offended.

He sighed. “It’s early and Katie is…” He sighed again. 

“Right. Um. I didn’t quit. Not really.”

Sam did not answer immediately. “So what happened?”

“I… I tried to quit. Iverson didn’t let me.”

“I didn’t think he would.” He chuckled. “You’re lucky the Admiral doesn’t know about this. He would have your ass.”

“Oh. I thought Iverson told him.”

“No, he’s mad but not mad .”

“Right.”

“You should’ve said something, Shiro.”

“What?” Shiro stiffened. “Said what?”

“We’ve been in this together since day one. Since the Galra captured us on Kerberos. I know it’s not easy to pretend everything’s normal. It’s not, and it never will be. But to make this huge decision on your own. Did you think I would’ve stopped you?”

Shiro frowned, confused. “No. No, of course not, Sam. I didn’t think about talking to you. Or anyone. It was entirely my decision.”

“ Entirely ? Did you even talk to Curtis?”

Shiro hesitated. “No. Like I said, it was my decision.”

Sam drew in a deep breath. “All right. I’m sure you have a plan. The Admiral will find out, and once he does, he’s going to try and replace you one way or another.”

Shiro nodded. He opened the window and let the fresh air in. The cold breeze made him shiver. It felt good on his hot forehead. “I… don’t have a plan yet.”

Sam was silent for a moment. “You know. When Matt came home a few months ago – you remember when – I asked him if he would return to Earth to work with me. Or anywhere else. Colleen and I don’t like that he’s always out there on his own doing whatever. They’re not registered traders, or a repair crew. They don’t have a plan for what they want to do besides helping survivors for now.”

Shiro pursed his lips. “Where is this going, Sam?”

“Let me finish. I asked him to stay on Earth. Or at least decide what he wanted to do for himself since he was no longer fighting. You know what he told me? 'I don’t know what to do, Dad.'”

Shiro felt his heart skip a beat. He had not thought that Sam would catch on so quickly. 

“That’s what he told me. He doesn’t know what to do. He told me that with his crew, he feels that he has a place where he can belong. Even when he doesn’t know what to do, the rest of his team don’t either. So they just keep doing what they have been doing until now. Fight.”

“OK.” Shiro wanted him to stop.

“But he can’t keep fighting, you know, Shiro. Not forever. N7 is very supportive of him. Agrees to almost everything he wants to do. He wants to go to a different galaxy? She’d get the ship ready and call for resources. But even she can’t help him find a purpose.”

“Sam…”

“What I want you to know, Shiro, is that I understand. I know you don’t think that way. Of course, I wasn’t a gladiator. Of course I wasn’t the black paladin. I don’t know what that must’ve been like. But I understand feeling so lost. We all do, all of us who got out. Even the ones who got out so early like you and me.”

“OK,” Shiro interrupted him again. 

“It’ll take time, Shiro. I want you to know that it will take time.”

“Yeah, I –”

“That means you can’t give up yet. Don’t think that this is it. It’s not. Not by miles. You’re not alone in this. None of us are. We’re all recovering.”

Shiro lowered his eyes and realised he hand ripped a hole in the curtain, having rubbed it too hard with his prosthetic. “I understand. Thanks, Sam.”

“Thank me when you start seeing results. For now, tell me why you woke me up so early and made me give you valuable life lessons.”

Shiro blinked away the tears before they formed and cleared his throat. “Yeah. About that. How do I get a new arm?”

Notes:

I hope the void speaks back!

Please leave a comment if you've read this chapter. And thanks for reading!

Notes:

This is so much shorter than my usual chapters lmao anyway. this is just one chapter and i haven't even written more. i just thought if people liked it, i'd keep writing and uploading.

if any wandering soul stumbles upon this fic, please leave a review. as scathing as one can be. it's cool either way. i'd still devour it. i'd cry about it, but i'd love it just as much. lmao.
thanks for reading!