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Following the battle with Voleth Meir and her many basilisks, Jaskier watched as everyone who fought tried to pick themselves back up and mourn the losses. Family stuff. Jaskier felt out of place viewing their battle scars- all of this was far more intimate than he felt privy to watch. He knew Geralt, but he didn't know his brothers or Vesemir. He didn’t know Ciri and he barely knew Yennefer; he had no right peering into this painful moment for all of them. So he took it upon himself to return to the room where he’d stayed the night in the keep. He refocused his attention on the bottle that he’d used to nurse his feelings the night before and took a few drinks in his lonesome bed.
After some time passed, the wine leaving Jaskier alone and far too aware of all the things he’d been trying to ignore, he came to a conclusion: he didn’t know Geralt. He’d tried to and hoped he did, but he didn’t. So it meant it was time that he left Geralt, for good. It wasn’t fair to either of them for Jaskier to keep worming his way into the Witcher’s life when he was so unwanted. With a bit of a sway, the bard sat up from the bed and began to gather his things. He wasn’t meant to be here, among this family. The family stuff was for all of them, and Jaskier hadn’t even managed to do a single thing that mattered since Geralt broke him out of jail. He was unnecessary and in the way. So it was time for him to stop fighting it and just try to move on.
Jaskier took his knapsack onto his shoulder, feeling only the weight of the half-drank bottle of booze. It didn’t feel like the lute he dutifully carried for over 20 years. It didn’t feel right carrying anything else. Nothing felt right today. But he needed to leave and that bottle was one of the only possessions he had to his name now.
While he was making his way out of Kaer Morhen he saw, through the open archway, Geralt gathering himself and Yennefer around Ciri on the ledge.
Family stuff. And family stuff wasn’t for him.
Geralt was telling Ciri,“ Us Three. We’ll help each other. Destiny cannot be avoided.”
Gods, it all sounds so- so- so destined. As everything did when Geralt was involved. It sounded like the beginning of an adventure of legendary proportions and they were getting ready to depart Kaer Morhen for it. So Jaskier’s escape was going to need to happen with more haste if he wanted to avoid any embarrassment. He hurried his stride to make it across the hall quickly and kept his vision to the ground, focused on just trying to get past everything and to the steps of the keep without having to face anyone.
“Jaskier?” calls Yennefer. Of course, she wouldn’t grant him the peace of a private exit. Jaskier doesn’t respond and keeps walking onward like he hadn’t heard a thing.
“Jaskier- what’re you doing?” Yennefer questioned.
Having put herself between the bard and the descending staircase, she stops Jaskier with her hand against his chest, standing firm and detaining him. Jaskier hesitantly shifts his eyes to meet hers, putting everything he had in appearing untouched by the raging emotions his mind was flooded with. A fitting performance, in perfect contrast to every other he’d given in his life.
“I’m going,” Jaskier says curtly before moving to walk past the mage.
“You’re going? Where do you think you’re going?” Geralt asks as he steps to the two of them.
“Where am I going?” he whispers, finding that anger he held coming to the surface,” Where am I going? That’s such a great question, Geralt. Such a good question, in the fact that I have nowhere to go. Oxenfurt was the only place I had. And I can’t go back now that a crazy mage found me there, where he tortured me. There’s also the matter of my arrest for attempting to aid in the escape of our dear Yennefer here, so I’m not sure it’d go over well for me to return right now. But I can’t stay here, intruding on this- this family of misfits you’ve collected. So I’m going, somewhere.”
“Jask-”
“No, Geralt. I really must be going. That’s the thing when you have nowhere left. You need to get started searching as soon as possible or you won’t make it. Because unfortunately for me, I have not even a person to join me on the lonesome road! Because I don’t have any friends. I couldn’t even befriend the dwarves or any of the other travelers from the Dragon Hunt. I couldn’t befriend any of your Witcher family. I couldn’t befriend Ciri… And Melitele only knows how many times you’ve told me yourself that even we aren’t friends. So maybe I just don’t get friends, Geralt. Maybe, in this life, it’s just not something I get to have. It’s not something Destiny will bless me with. And maybe it’s time I just accepted that and stopped trying.”
“Jaskier” Geralt reaches out his hand and places it on the bard’s shoulder before Jaskier rips it off like it was a burning cinder.
“No! Stop- Jaskier-ing me. I’m not a child you need to temper anymore… Congratulations on making a beautiful little family for yourself, Geralt. But I’m alone and that fact isn’t changing anytime soon, so please, let me go. So you can stop shoving my face in how much I’m not needed here. I don’t need the reminders, I am always kept very well aware”, Jaskier cools as his anger drops to defeat.
”Just- Anyways, good luck with… all of that… I’ll be going, maybe I’ll find a bit of luck and run into a nice big monster that'll end all of this shit.”
“Jaskier- What is all this? Are you just trying to run away because you’re scared of the Wild Hunt? Is that where this ridiculousness is coming from or-”
And with that, the fire ignites,“ Ridiculousness? Fine Geralt- you want to know where all this is coming from? I’M MAD! Have you been paying attention to anything you’ve done over the past many months? Or is this a newfound amnesia you’re suffering from? Because it seems I need to remind you once more that you left me on a mountain. What did you think happened? You think you yelled at me and- and I stomped off all pissed at you, maybe a bit cranky, but overall I was fine? No. When you left me up there- I waited.” Jaskier spat at Geralt.
The admission left the Witcher’s eyes widened in shock. An expression Jaskier might’ve noticed had he not been blinded by his boiling over hurt.
“For six days, I waited for you. Because I thought that even though you were mad, I couldn’t possibly abandon you. Just because you’d hurt me didn’t mean I could leave you behind and alone. I’d figured after 24 years you deserved more trust than that. More credit than for me to give up after a bad day. At the time, I assumed you’d shared that same sentiment for me. So for you, six days I waited. And I was alone the whole time, too. Tea, Vea, and Borch remained in the cavern with the egg to protect it. Yarpen and his men went back down the trail that first night while I stayed at the camp. I spent the first few days just trying to keep myself busy. I sat by the fire, wrote The Golden One, fiddled with my lute, spent hours scribbling in my journal, wasting so much paper, as I tried to prepare what I’d say to try and comfort you when you were ready for my company. I even distinctly remember talking to myself; about how we'd be okay after everything, I hoped you’d be able to hear me. Hoped that maybe it’d relieve some of the pressure you felt. But I was thinking of you every second. I was eating the food scraps from my lute case, wondering if you were getting hungry yet. I was feeling the night chill and questioned if you were warm enough. I’ve seen you rough it on the Path for a few days pretty well, and I knew you had your things, so I wasn’t too worried yet. I didn't want to crowd you because I knew you were feeling overwhelmed and needed some privacy to process everything. I wanted to go to your side and help you, but I wanted to give you the space you needed. In my head, you up there, at the top of the rock, frozen in place. Maybe trapped in your mind. Running through thoughts of grief or regret or pain or whatever it was that losing Yen did to you. Because even though I didn’t care for her, I knew you did, and I know that losing one of the few people you’ve let yourself love hurts.”
After taking a breath Jaskier continued,” It was only after the fourth day that I really started getting scared. I was terrified because I wasn’t sure if I’d find you laying on your side, passed out because you weren’t taking care of yourself, or worse. So on the dawning of the sixth day, I’d decided enough was enough. You were hurting and didn’t want to see me, but I wasn’t going to let you get sick because you didn’t care about yourself. If I had to wrap you in a blanket and shovel food in your mouth myself, I would. I’d give you all the tough love I had to make you okay again. And when I went up there, you were gone. You left. You left me. So yeah. I’m mad.
Geralt- I had to call for your help on the way up the damn mountain, and you left me up there- alone. I could only assume you’d intended or desired for me to get hurt, or even die, for committing the cardinal sin of having honest to gods ruined your life. As you’ve said over and over again. Or, possibly even worse, maybe you just didn’t care at all and forgot about me.” Jaskier went silent for a moment.
“And when I finally get to the bottom of the damned thing, I hear about the Fall of Cintra. And it hits me that maybe something stupid and magical and full of Destiny happened because no matter how much you deny it, you are full of Destiny. So maybe you felt something or someone got you and took you to Cintra for that Child Surprise you’ve been hiding from for the last decade and a half. Maybe you had no choice but to go swiftly to her aid and maybe you died in the fall.
Then in the middle of my anger, I had to grieve you. I stopped being mad and thought that the only way Geralt would’ve really left me would’ve been to save that child, and tragically he died in his attempt. That was the reason you hadn’t come back for me. And so I mourned you, wrote sweet poetry to remember you by, cried and screamed at the world for taking you, and a few times I wished I could’ve taken your place. I even hated myself for doubting your loyalty, for being mad at you while you were dying heroically.
Of course, that’s when I started to hear the stories circulating the bars. Of a Witcher and a young girl traveling north for the winter. And I knew. Heh- Geralt didn’t leave me because he was too hurt to have a friend bear witness to his misery. Geralt didn’t leave me because he had died. No. Instead, he left me because he actually meant what he said to me. That it’d be a blessing to be free of me.
And then I was mad, all over again- no, not mad anymore, what I felt was a furious, righteous, violent, burning, of utter rage. And just when I was starting to pick myself back up, find something in this life for me that you had no part in - I get in a bit of trouble - then you show up at my cell door. Putting me in your debt. Again. And when I tried to be mad at you, to explain to you what you did to me- YOU INTERRUPTED ME. TWICE. Because what you did to me didn't matter. You’d say you missed me and that you were sorry, but you didn’t care. But instead, you came for me because you needed an assist for the girl. And what monster would I have to be to deny you help for that poor princess? So I buried it. I buried all of that rage and pain. Like I’ve buried everything. And I helped or tried to. But seriously Geralt- let me go. Grant me the one fucking gift of freeing me from looking at you every day, so content with the two of them. Free me, instead of reminding me every goddamn minute that my return meant nothing.”
After Jaskier had finally finished filling in the Witcher on all that he’d missed, he was left heaving heavy breaths while his heartbeat pounded in his ears. A detail he knew Geralt was acutely aware of- to which made him even madder that he couldn’t even try to act like it wasn’t tearing him up inside. By this point, all three of them were left gaping wide eyed at him, watching his boiling point, the very scene he had originally hoped to avoid.
“I said it to Yennefer a week ago- I’m better off without you. You leave me with heartbreaks, and I can’t keep piecing myself together because you were never taught how to let someone in. We don’t work. I’m giving up the fight and giving you what you’ve asked for every day since we met. I'll let you go. So let me go.” With that final demand, Jaskier turned around and quickly went down the stairs to try and find something. He hoped for something that pleases him in this life without Geralt.
The hall was left silent. It seemed everyone was left with a deep impression from the bard. Yennefer was connecting some dots she should’ve noticed long ago. Ciri has just seen a lot of her new father’s history laid out in a far clearer and sadder image than his own mutterings. And Geralt had never heard Jaskier speak up for himself like that before. He’d seen him get defensive with a rude critic, but he’d never expressed himself so directly - so void of metaphors or flowery language. So desperate and bare. He only just realized that Jaskier only ever spoke of his work and his lovers- never himself.
Yennefer was the first to talk after the display, looking at Geralt,” You really broke him this time.”
“I don’t even know what I did-”
“Well, he just spelled it all out for you, so I hope you can get the picture.”
“I said I was sorry for what I said-”
“Geralt… It wasn’t just about the mountain. He’s been feeling most of that for years, I’d imagine. He just cared about you too much to leave you over any of it. And then you left him, not of any fault of his, but mostly because you were mad at me.”
“I was mad and I yelled, yes… But I apologized- and we had bigger things to focus on- Ciri was-”
“There’s always been a bigger thing to focus on. That’s why it took 20 years for him to tell you that he was hurting. 20 years for him isn’t as short as it feels for you and me. He’s a human, a regular human, and that was half his lifetime. Those 20 years have been long and agonizing, but he served them quietly for you.”
“How am I supposed to-”
“Go get him,” Ciri breaks in,” Listen to what he’s told you, go get him, and mean it when you apologize this time. After that, you’ve just got to be better. You’ve got to earn it.”
“Go get him” Geralt repeats to himself, and after a moment’s hesitation starts running down the stairs himself.
“Jaskier! Stop.” Geralt called, reaching the stables at the grounds of the keep where Jaskier had almost crossed the arching entrance.
Jaskier turned around to him and ceased his steps,“ Geralt- There’s nothing to do here. You don’t respect me! You don’t need to admire me in that big way you look up to your powerful friends, but you don’t even respect me as a person, so there’s nothing we can mend anymore. I tried to help you. I tried to comfort you and be a support. I wanted to give you at least 1 person you could always rely on. But I guess I was never going to give that to you. Because I’m not a beautiful witch or a young princess.”
“I'm sorry I’m no good at- at this. So I don’t say it enough-”
“Ever. If it’s anything nice you don’t say it ever. Especially not to me. I had to become fluent in your grunts and hums because that was all I'd hear from you some days. Geralt, I need more. And you can’t give it to me, so I’m done.” Jaskier continues to walk away.
With a clench of his fist, Geralt tried to be brave,“ I never told you... I- fuck- I never told you…” Geralt let out a breath and focused his resolve while Jaskier waited,” I never told you that after we met, and you wrote that song that you were mumbling about it all the time. While you were working on it, I heard a line here and there, and I wasn’t all that interested-"
Jaskier huffed and continued away.
Geralt stepped in closer,“ BUT- but, after those few days, on that night that you finished that song, and performed it for the first time-”
Geralt paused as Jaskier slowly turned to face him,” And- and after I’d heard the whole thing for the first time… that’s when I heard that one verse: ‘A friend of humanity’. That night, after we’d retired to the room, I couldn’t sleep. I stayed awake until I heard you start the do that soft, snoring thing you do. And when I knew you were asleep I left the room… and I cried. Because you somehow managed to make a whole tavern call me a friend. Four times they called me a friend. With one song, you made people see me as a person. A real person. And I’d never felt that before. It was the first time since I was brought to Kaer Morhen that I felt like there was still a life out in the world for me, somehow. Like you could help make one where it wasn’t all suffering.”
Jaskier was listening. Intently. It was like seeing Geralt in a whole new light. He knew Geralt had feelings, he wasn’t as stupid as the rest of humanity in that regard, but Geralt has never wanted to talk about any of it. Never had the courage or trust to.
“You were just some human. And not in a way that means that you don’t matter. But in the way that... you didn’t have to care about me. There was no stupid Destiny making all the choices or magical wishes binding us together. You just chose me. And even when I was bad, you kept choosing me. Over and over again. You made me believe I could even have friends. But even after all of that- I never figured I could actually tell you any of these things. ‘Being vulnerable gets you killed’ was the advice I was given to survive. But- if how I’ve been makes you feel as bad as you say... I want to learn. How to be vulnerable, that is. I'm sorry for leaving you behind. And for what I said before I left. It was wrong and I never want to make that mistake and put you through that pain again. Because even if I have Yen and Ciri and Vesemir and Lambert and Coen, I don’t think I can do any of this without you, Jaskier.”
Jaskier sighed, debating if he could really put himself up to be hurt again,“ Geralt-“
“I know, I’ve not been good. But I’ll be better. I'll try. I’ll listen and learn and work. And Ciri’s going to need you. I'm... becoming her dad, of sorts, and Yen’s going to train her to understand her chaos and make sure she knows she can wear dresses and be powerful. But you’re going to need to show her, like you showed me, that there’s life out there. That there’s a reason for her to fight and survive. It’s to find just a bit of you in the world. Because you are joy, and choice, and all the good parts of humanity. And she needs to love humanity if she’ll outlast everything Destiny’s going to hit her with.”
“She’ll need me?”, Jaskier asked, with a bit more hope in his voice than he was trying to let out.
“More than she could possibly understand right now. She’s had a wretched week, so she hasn’t given you a chance yet. But she’ll need you to help her feel better, and then she’ll learn to love you, too.”
“Too?”
“That’s- nothing- just stay. Please, come with us, and stay..” Geralt asks for one last time, looking at his best friend, praying he deserves another try.
"Alright, I'll give you one more chance, you lousy oaf.", Jaskier gives and claps his arms around Geralt's shoulders," But I'm demanding at least one compliment a week if you're to stay on my good side."
And with Jaskier holding Geralt in a hug to his side, they walk back into Kaer Morhen to ready the four of them for the next step in their adventure.