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After years of brainwashing, pain and being a whole other person, Bucky is still trying to adjust. It took him a long time to get to this point, where he starts to feel a bit like himself again. Not the Winter Soldier, an asset in a twisted game, but simply Bucky Barnes.
The effects still linger, obviously. His brain has been scrambles like eggs and even though he doesn't remember everything about his time as the Winter Soldier, he still remembers the most painful parts. He still dreams about his arm, about the way they would treat him with forceful hands that didn't care about his feelings. He can remember every single face of the people he killed. The fear on their faces moments before he would kill them without batting an eye.
He's healing.
With small steps. Sam holding Bucky's hand along the way, something literally instead of figural. Sam forced him to leave his sad excuse for an apartment behind and move with him to the Avengers compound. Tony was kind enough to give Bucky his own wing, just like the rest of them, despite their differences. He will be eternally grateful for Sam's help. He never gave up on him, despite moments when things got difficult and Bucky didn't have faith in himself anymore.
So, he's working on it. Working on himself. With the help of Sam and the other Avengers.
**
''Happy birthday.''
Bucky pushes one eye open. Sam is sitting on the edge of his bed, a huge smile on his face and a cupcake in his hands. It's decorated with chocolate frosting (Bucky's favourite), white sprinkles and a blue candle stuck in the middle.
He takes note of the fact that Sam looks good. He always does but he looks extra nice today. Maybe that's just Bucky's stupid brain talking. Or his heart.
But that's beside the point.
''Thanks.'' he mumbles, slowly pushing himself into a sitting position. It was a rough nigh with too many flashbacks and too little sleep. He pushed through it on his own but he sees the way Sam eyes his face. It must be written on his face how exhausted he feels. If Sam notices he doesn't push, instead retrieving a lighter from his pocket.
Sam lights the candle on the cupcake and smiles, sticking it out to Bucky. ''Go ahead, old man. Make a wish.'' He snorts softly but takes the cupcakes nevertheless, blinking at the little flame dancing for a moment.
His heart warms from the gesture. Sam knows it is his birthday, everybody does, but Bucky didn't expect him to come here and wake him up with a cupcake. It's something simple but it makes his heart swell.
He isn't used to this. Being treated like a person. HYDRA didn't exactly treat him like someone with feelings and emotions, let alone they celebrated his birthday. It's his first birthday here, at home, with people he holds dear.
It's a lot.
Bucky blows out the candle and opens his eyes again. He carefully removes the candle before breaking the cupcake in half, handing one half to Sam.
''What did you wish for?'' Sam asks, popping a piece of cupcake in his mouth. Bucky smiles and nudges his foot against Sam's thigh. He tries to ignore the feeling in his belly when they touch. ''I can't tell you.'' he answers.
Sam sputters. ''Why not?'' He grips Bucky's ankle and yanks him closer. Bucky ends up with his legs on either side of Sam. One leg resting next to his back and the one that Sam has a hold on draped over Sam's legs. He forces himself to stay calm because this is not the appropriate time to pop a boner.
Sam looks him dead in the eye when he speaks again. ''You better tell me your wish, White Panther. I gave you that damn cupcake in the first place.''
Bucky laughs. his gaze flashes briefly to Sam's hand resting on his ankle, thumb now softly moving in circles against his skin. It makes heat erupt in his body and he has to force himself to take a deep breath. He knows that Sam doesn't mean anything with it, this is just the way they are with each other. Sam is a touchy person by heart and Bucky is touch-starved. It makes sense.
He rolls his eyes for good measure despite knowing Sam sees right through him. ''Okay, first of all; it's White Wolf. We've been over this.'' Sam chuckles, his thumb repeating the same motion over and over again. ''Second,'' Bucky continues. ''I can't tell you because that's not how it works. If I tell you my wish it won't come true.''
The other man sighs obnoxious, acting annoyed without convincing anyone he actually is annoyed. ''Fine,'' Sam pops the last piece of cupcake in his mouth. ''keep your secret. I'll figure it out anyway.''
Bucky snorts loudly but averts his gaze innocently when Sam turns to look at him. He squints his eyes but doesn't say anything, smiling softly at Bucky instead.
''On a totally different note, what are our plans for today?''
The former assassin frowns, chewing slowly on his last bite to delay answering because .. what? It's Saturday, the busiest day for Sam. Bucky doesn't know how late it is but it's still early, the sun is just starting to rise, sunlight slowly filtering through the blinds.
Sam always starts his mornings with running, no matter how tired he is or how early it is. Bucky knows he went for a run before coming here because his hair is still a bit damp from taking a shower. The rest of his Saturdays are usually filled with important meetings, spending his whole day locked away in the conference room with Tony and Steve.
His thoughts get broken when Sam brushes a lock of hair away from his face, pushing it behind his ear with a worried frown on his face. ''Hey.'' he says, carefully. ''You okay?'' Bucky swallows thickly and nods. ''Yeah. Uhm- today? I mean, I'm not exactly keeping track of your meetings.'' He tries to joke but it sounds hollow even to his own ears.
Sam huffs out a laugh as he retreats his hand and Bucky stomps down the disappointment bubbling in his chest. Every time Sam touches him it makes him feel all happy and giddy. It's as much exciting as it is scary.
''They say wisdom comes with age but you're really a dumbass.'' Sam says, fondly rolling his eyes. Bucky smiles tightly. It feels like he did something wrong but at the same time not understanding what he did. He's still learning the concept of sarcasm and teasing. The other man seems to notice as he takes Bucky's hand in his.
''I asked because it is your birthday, Buck. I took the day off. We can do whatever you want.'' He explains, staring straight at Bucky as he tries to bring the message across. And that's just-
Okay.
Bucky frowns and averts his eyes, suddenly feeling shy under Sam's gaze. His stomach starts to feel uneasy, suddenly tense with anxiety. It feels wrong. Sam shouldn't clear out his whole agenda just because Bucky turns older today. With Sam becoming Captain America a few months ago his days also became busier than ever. It doesn't make sense to him why he took a whole day off when there's already too much to do for him with too little time.
He laughs but it comes out awkward. ''Sam, you don't have to do that.'' Bucky mumbles, pulling his hair in a half up bun so Sam doesn't notice his hands shaking.
Sam frowns, the muscle in his jaw ticking that shows he's confused. ''Do what?'' he asks. Bucky sighs deeply, forcing himself to stay calm and not do anything impulsive. His body betrays him by speaking up when he tries so hard to stay silent.
''Don't act as if I'm worth this, Sam.''
The silence that falls over the room can be cut with a knife. Sam looks at Bucky like he repeatedly punched him in the face and Bucky has to look away to make sure he doesn't start freaking out. Guilt bites at his stomach and his head starts to spin. This is why he can't have nice things. He talks when he shouldn't, he should just keep his mouth shut.
A warm hand carefully curls around Bucky's knee, silently asking his attention. He dares a glance at Sam, immediately feeling worse when he sees the pain in his eyes. ''Buck. We talked about this.'' he says and Bucky nods his head sharply, breathing out through his nose.
''I know.'' His voice sounds hoarse with emotions but luckily he doesn't start crying. ''I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.''
Sam lets his hand rest on Bucky's metal arm. His fingers follow the lines engraved for a moment before speaking again. Even without words he knows how to calm Bucky down again. He still feels on edge but he understands that Sam isn't here to judge him.
''Don't apologize. I understand.'' Sam says, taking a deep breath. ''But you have to understand that we, that I, want to celebrate your birthday. You're important, Bucky. I'm really happy to have you here and I want to celebrate your birthday because I care about you. Okay?''
They're both silent for a while as Bucky tries to wrap his head around the kind words. It's still new for him to hear those kind of affirmations. He's still adjusting, healing, and these things are difficult to him.
He's still learning to accept that Sam wants to hang out with him, just because it is his birthday. He's still learning to accept casual touches from Tony when he passes him in the kitchen, his hands gently guiding him to the side so he can walk past him. He's still learning to relax during their annual movie nights where Peter will claim the spot next to him, the younger man always curling up against Bucky's side. He's still learning that's it's okay to laugh when Natasha dumps a whole bag of ice in the back of Steve's shirt. He's still learning to ask Bruce for help when his vibranium arm starts to hurt again.
He's learning and he wants to change. He wants to prove to himself, to HYDRA, that he can be normal again.
That's why he nods and smiles, this time more sincere. Sam grins, the cute gap between his teeth visible that makes Bucky a little weak in the knees. ''That's the spirit!'' Sam exclaims, patting Bucky's legs before standing up. He holds out his hand for Bucky to take, wriggling his fingers with a smile on his face. ''Get your cute butt out of bed so we can start this day.'' He teases, helping a groaning Bucky up.
''Fine.'' Bucky grumbles despite the smile fighting it's way on his face. ''Can we go to that café where you can cuddle cats that Clint told us about?'' he asks, trying to fight the shiver that crawls over his spine when Sam's warm hands run over his bare sides. Sam grins so wide it seems to hurt his cheeks.
''Anything you want, Buck.'' Sam promises.
**
His birthday was perfect. Sam took him out to the 'cat-café' where he cuddled the cats instead of actually eating. Eventually Sam forced him to at least eat something small, despite the fond look on his face when he looked at Bucky. They had a great time; laughing and joking while seated at a small table at the back, in their own bubble.
Afterwards they took a walk along the water, their hands brushing a lot before Sam almost aggressively took Bucky's hand. He intertwined their fingers before mumbling, ''Fucking commit to it.'' It made Bucky laugh, thinking he was just joking around, until he tried to pull away only for Sam to pull him closer.
''This okay?'' he asked, causing heat to rise to Bucky's cheeks before nodding.
Eventually they came home to everyone waiting for them in the huge kitchen. Steve and Tony cooked, making sure to almost cook every recipe they could think off. They ate at the kitchen island, pressed together on barstools, loud voices and laughter filling the room. Bucky got a lot of presents, hugs and kisses, even Loki patted him on the back when he wished him a happy birthday.
It was the best day he had in a very long time.
It's three weeks later when the nightmares begin again.
He doesn't know what sets him off. He felt a bit off during the day, feeling restless and anxious without having reason to. Sam was gone for the day, on a mission with Clint and Natasha, causing Bucky to brew on his feelings alone.
He tried to keep his mind off of it, trying to distract himself so he wouldn't spiral further down. He helped Peter with his homework (even though he didn't understand a single thing in Peter's math book and seriously, what the hell?), he watched a movie with Thor and Bruce and even went down to Tony's workshop, quietly sitting on a chair as he watched the genius work on upgrades for Peter's suit.
The day went by okay-ish. When he took a shower before bed he didn't feel so on edge like he did when he woke up, so he thought it would be okay. Before he actually went to sleep he send Sam a 'goodnight' message, like they always did when they didn't see each other through the day.
He fell asleep rather quickly before being ripped awake again by a nightmare.
Panic is seizing his lungs when he wakes up with a start. Flashes of his dream are still lingering behind his eyes despite being awake, making it feel like he's still sleeping. Bucky rips the blankets from his body and scrambling out of bed with unseeing eyes.
He's breathing way too hard and just wrong but he can't stop. His body hits the floor when he falls out of bed but he doesn't even feel it because of the adrenaline rushing through his veins.
There's blood everywhere. On his hands, dripping from his fingers towards his elbows, staining his clothes. He claws at the carpet beneath his body, pushing himself on hands and knees. So many bodies surround him, with unseeing eyes and so much blood.
He can hear himself cry. Hysteric sobs that leave his chest every time he tries to breathe but he can't seem to remember how to. There's a part of him that knows he is awake, that the things he is seeing are shadows left behind from the nightmare, but he doesn't dare to open his eyes.
Suddenly there's a voice filling the room and soft lights fill the room. Bucky pushes himself away on instinct and shock, his temple ramming against the side of the nightstand. He opens his eyes in pure panic, vaguely taking note of the fact that there are no bodies. No blood.
''Mr. Barnes, I activated 'Distress Modus' as instructed by Mr. Stark when needed.''
Jarvis' calm voice fills the room. Bucky's heart is still racing against his ribs but his head starts to catch up with the whole situation. His eyes frantically search the floor, looking for dead bodies that he already knows will not be there.
''Heartbeat and pulse are too high unlike normal data. Physical injuries are minor containing one bruised rib and a small head injury.'' Jarvis' voice sums up. Bucky presses his trembling hand against his temple, suddenly noticing the sharp sting. His fingers come back bloodied and he has to close his eyes when nausea rolls over his stomach.
'''Distress Modus' includes notifying Sir or Mr. Wilson when activated. Which of the two shall I address?''
Bucky shakes his head in panic, pushing himself away from the nightstand. His legs feel unsteady when he stands and a wave of dizziness washes over him but he doesn't fall over again. His breathing is still on the edge of too rough and too fast but not nearly as bad as before.
''Neither.'' he answers, wincing when he hears his own voice. It's hoarse from crying and probably screaming, he can't remember how bad it was before he woke up. He's eternally grateful for his own wing in the compound. It's bad enough he has to suffer through his night terrors, nobody else should have to lose sleep over them.
Jarvis' voice fills the room again when Bucky carefully takes a seat on the edge of his bed, hands trembling badly and his eyes still leaking tears. ''I'm sorry but that's not an option. Sir programmed to give the option who to summon. When neither is chosen I'm programmed to automatically notify Sir.''
Bucky breathes shakily, wrapping his arms around himself and clenching his eyes shut. Fuck Tony Stark and his technology. Fuck him for looking out for everyone inside the compound, including Bucky.
''Accepting choice to automatically call Sir in 5, 4, 3-''
''Sam. Call Sam, please.''
It's silent for a moment but Bucky knows Jarvis heard him. The tense silence is broken when Jarvis speaks up again. ''Notifying Mr. Wilson. Accepted.''
His whole body is trembling so hard it looks like he stood outside in the cold for too long. He's still crying and can't seem to stop. The nightmare is slowly disappearing but the edges remain, leaving him incredibly anxious and feeling scared.
He doesn't know how much time passes before Sam bursts through the door. His eyes look wild, pillow crease visible on his cheek and he isn't wearing a shirt, obviously jumping out of bed as soon as Jarvis informed him.
Bucky can't look at him. He feels so ashamed and fucking angry at himself for doing this to Sam. He should sleep, God knows he needs it. The other man swears when he closes the bedroom door and crosses the room, kneeling before Bucky on the soft carpet. ''Jesus Christ, Buck. How- Are you okay?''
His hands carefully cup Bucky's face, worried eyes searching his body before settling on his face. Bucky can feel new tears boiling over again. Guilt claws at the back of his head, an itch that he can never reach.
''I'm fine.'' he says, hating how it comes out all soft and weak. ''Jarvis activated the panic button for no reason and wouldn't leave it alone. Go back to bed.''
Sam looks at him as if he lost his mind, which. Fair.
They're silent for a while. Sam softly swipes his thumb over Bucky's cheekbone and he knows he's trying to remove the blood running down towards his chin. It shouldn't matter, the super-serum is already knitting the skin back together. Suddenly Sam's jaw sets.
''Jarvis.'' His voice sounds stable and normally Bucky swoons when he gets like this, confident, but this time it makes him feel small.
''Yes, Mr. Wilson?''
Sam softly grips Bucky's chin and tilts his head back a little, probably to get a better look at his eyes in the dim light. ''Status of Bucky, please.''
Bucky closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Sam knows him too well. He knows that Bucky won't answer and he knows that Jarvis will. He does it for Bucky's wellbeing and because he is a stubborn fucker.
''Mr. Barnes woke up distressed. Heartrate and pulse were extreme, body temperature slightly above average.'' Sam locks eyes with Bucky when he opens his eyes again, his other thumb softly brushing over his cheek.
''Any harm done to his body?''
''Level 1 injuries, Mr. Wilson.'' Jarvis answers. ''One bruised rib on the right, third from the bottom and one bleeding head injury. No concussion detected. Mr. Barnes' body hit the floor quite hard when he fell and he hit his head on the nightstand.''
''Thank you, Jarvis.'' Sam's sharp gaze remains on Bucky, making him squirm under his dark eyes. Bucky has always been a sucker for Sam's eyes. They're intense and dark when the night falls or the lights are dimmed but they're transparent and clear when the sun hits them.
''Buck, I need you to be honest with me.'' He waits until Bucky nods although it's not entirely convincing. ''Are you dizzy? Nauseous?'' The older man carefully shakes his head and sniffs softly, all the fight leaving his body. He feels awful for waking up Sam, even when it's technically not his fault. It was either Sam or Tony and even though Tony and him grew closer over time, he isn't ready for Tony to see him like this.
Sam stands up, getting Bucky's attention by softly patting his head. ''I'll be right back.'' he promises before disappearing in the attached bathroom. It doesn't take long before he returns with different kinds of cleaning supplies.
He takes a seat next to Bucky on the bed, one leg pulled beneath him so he can easily turn towards Bucky. Sam pushes Bucky's hair to the side, probably to simply get a better look at the wound, but it makes his belly all pleasantly warm nevertheless. He loves it when Sam touches his hair. Sometimes he runs his fingers through Bucky's hair when they watch a movie together, Bucky always tries to fight off sleep when that happens.
Bucky flinches when Sam touches his temple with a cotton ball, quickly retrieving his hands when he sees Bucky's reaction. ''Sorry.'' Bucky mumbles, forcing himself to sit still this time. It's stupid to react this way because he knows that Sam won't hurt him. Sam isn't Hydra. His hands are only trying to help instead of trying to cause pain.
The other man shakes his head. ''It's fine.'' Sam makes slow movements so Bucky has the time to process what's going to happen. He doesn't flinch this time when Sam starts to clean the cut but it's a close call.
Bucky is feeling extremely anxious. The nightmare still lingers in the back of his brain as it tries to claw its way back to the front. His body hurts but he doesn't know if it's from the fall alone or also because of all the adrenaline slowly wearing off. He's restless and has to remind himself to accept Sam's help.
''You want to talk about it?''
Sam's voice sounds slow and deep with lingering sleep, causing Bucky's belly to clench pleasantly. It's a nice distracting from all the nasty things going on inside his brain. His warm hands rest on Bucky's face, giving him something else to focus on aside from the stinging pain that comes with cleaning his wound.
He carefully shakes his head and unclenches his metal hand, reminding himself to relax. Sam hums softly as he cleans the remaining traces of blood on Bucky's face. ''I'm proud of you,'' he tells him. ''for waking me up. For asking for help.''
Bucky snorts, he can't help it, turning his gaze when Sam frowns and looks at him. ''Jarvis didn't exactly left me a choice.'' he mumbles, feeling annoyance bubble up inside him. ''I could've handled it myself.''
Sam lets go of his face and sighs deeply. There's a worry line between his eyebrows, betraying how he feels if his face didn't tell already. Bucky knows he isn't angry, only worried.
''When are you going to get it through your head that you don't have to deal with these kind of things by yourself?'' Bucky swallows around the lump forming in his throat. He's done crying for the night but Sam's words still cut right through him like a knife. They say the truth hurts and they're right. It hurts, but sometimes in the best ways possible.
''Y'know, I was there when Tony developed and installed the so called 'Distress Modus'. At first it was something he wanted because Peter apparently wakes up a lot of nights feeling anxious. You know how the kid is, annoying brat never asks for help.'' Sam rolls his eyes but Bucky sees the fond smile pulling his mouth upwards. ''So eventually Tony found out about Peter waking up in the middle of the night because of nightmares or just stress, lying awake and losing so much sleep that eventually he toppled over during dinner that one time. Remember?''
Bucky nods. He does remember but it's not a nice memory. That one evening where they were all enjoying dinner before Peter suddenly plunged to the ground like a lifeless doll. Loki sitting closest to Peter almost caught him but he wasn't fast enough. He can still remember the panic written on Tony's face when he knelt next to Peter, desperately trying to wake him up.
''Tony developed the 'Distress Modus' so he could keep an eye on Peter's sleeping patterns, making sure that Jarvis would automatically wake him up when he caught Peter in distress.'' Sam wraps his arm around Bucky's waist, pulling the other man closer so he can rest his head on Sam's shoulder.
''It was, still is, a genius idea. But we all have our struggles after everything we've been through. So I suggested to Tony that maybe it would be a good idea to instal the Modus in everyone's bedroom.''
Bucky frowns and lifts his head to look at Sam, focussing on his fingers slowly running over his side under his shirt. It makes heat erupt under his skin when at the same time goosebumps breaks out.
''So everyone has the same system. Why are you the one being alerted aside from Tony?'' Bucky asks, feeling confused. It doesn't make any sense. Sam and Tony are the most busy out of all of them. Everybody knows that Tony has a bad habit of locking himself away inside the workshop, working himself tired until Steve comes down to practically drag his husband to bed. But everybody also knows how hard Sam works during the day as Captain America, something catching two hours of sleep before his alarm goes off.
Sam smiles softly at him. ''I'm not.'' he answers simply. ''Tony is automatically contacted as a second opinion when the first contact person isn't chosen or isn't home. I'm only your first contact person.''
Bucky looks at him in disbelief, slowly blinking as if that would make sense of everything. ''Oh.'' It comes out soft and makes Sam huff out a laugh.
There are so many things he wants to say. He wants to ask why Sam chose to be Bucky's first contact person, because he knows that Steve would have done the same thing if Tony had asked. He doesn't understand why Sam didn't refuse, choosing precious sleep over waking up in the middle of the night every time Bucky wakes up in distress. Which happens a lot. Sam knows that.
''I'm going to kiss you.'' is what he says instead.
This time there's a huge grin spreading over Sam's face as his eyes flicker towards Bucky's lips and back to his eyes. ''Took you long enough.'' he teases, his warm fingers pressing into Bucky's side to pull him impossibly closer.
Bucky smiles softly and takes Sam's other hand inside his vibranium one where Sam immediately curls their fingers together.
''Shut up, Samuel.''
Sam just gets enough time to snort loudly before Bucky leans forward to kiss him. It's a soft kiss but it leaves Bucky lightheaded all the same. He tries to pour everything he feels into their kiss, shivering when Sam runs his tongue over his bottom lip.
They don't take it too far. Bucky feels too worn down after his panic attack, energy slowly draining away now that he feels something entirely different besides panic and fear. Luckily Sam notices and understands. He's the first to pull away, smiling when Bucky follows him to claim more kisses.
He presses another soft kiss to Bucky's lips before patting his hip. ''You want to give sleeping another go?'' he whispers as his fingers brush away Bucky's hair again. Bucky turns his head towards Sam's palm, kissing the skin there.
''Will you stay here with me?'' Sam smiles and presses another kiss against his cheek this time. ''I'm not going anywhere.'' he promises.
(Turns out they don't get much sleep after all. They crawl into bed together and keep kissing until their lips feel sore and the sun starts to filter through the windows.)
**
Bucky never thought he could have this.
Kissing Sam has been the best decision of his life. It's been almost 6 months since their first kiss but he still feels the same way when Sam kisses him now. Maybe even worse in all the right ways. Being in love does that to a person.
They're that sickly annoying couple that gets on everyone's nerves by just being present.
Bucky can't help himself, when he is near Sam he has to touch him. He can touch Sam whenever he wants to, so he does. Unapologetically. Luckily Sam is the same, maybe even worse. He's constantly all over Bucky; holding his hands under the table when they're eating dinner, cuddling him during movie nights, pulling him close when they're finally in bed after a long day, kissing him every chance he gets.
Bucky is secretly glad that Sam is the least bashful between the two of them, because Bucky still finds it difficult to ask for what he wants.
He knows that's silly. Sam never rejected him and he always makes sure to tell Bucky that he can talk to him about anything. And Bucky knows, he does. It's just-
Hydra never gave him a choice.
He was there to comply to their wishes and needs, a weapon, nothing more. They didn't care about his feelings, why would they? They never asked questions concerning his feelings or thoughts, only asking questions that yielded information as needed.
It feels weird to be able to have an opinion, let alone voice it out loud.
Just like the rest of his healing, he's working on it. He tries to reach out and take Sam's hand whenever he simply feels like it, forcing himself to admit he wants a cuddle after a rough mission and pulling Sam in to kiss him whenever his heart asks for it. It always earns him a warm smile from Sam whenever he moves first, the biggest reward he could get.
Overall he is doing okay.
He just secretly wishes he could speak up more during sex.
Nothing beats having sex with Sam Wilson. Bucky wants to run his hands over smooth, brown, soft skin forever with Sam moaning huskily in his ear when he pushes inside Bucky. Sam makes love to him like he does everything else in life; with confidence and strength. Sometimes Bucky has to remind himself to keep breathing, completely lost in Sam and how breath-taking he looks.
Just like he is now.
Bucky is spread out under Sam, moaning softly inside his mouth when Sam presses a second finger inside him. Sam hums, grinning as his skilful fingers start moving again. It feels like they've been at it for hours because Sam always likes to take his time.
Of course they have quickies, mostly when they're already late and they can't keep their hands to themselves. But when they have time, like now, is when Sam likes to stretch it out as long as he possibly can. He always kisses every part of Bucky first, biting, sucking and licking on the way, leaving Bucky trembling before they even really start.
He feels like he's burning from the inside out without asking Sam to make it stop. Bucky just lays there, taking whatever Sam gives him and loving every fucking second of it.
But there's something burning at the tip of his tongue. There's a small voice encouraging him to speak up, ask Sam what he wants, but he keeps his mouth shut. He doesn't want to give Sam the wrong idea, like he doesn't enjoy this, because he does.
Instead of words another hoarse moan climbs out of his throat when Sam crooks his fingers, gently pressing against his prostate and making him see stars. ''There we go.'' his lover mumbles, claiming Bucky's mouth for another kiss. ''Feels good?'' Bucky can only nod, heat spreading through his whole body with the way Sam looks at him.
Sam smiles again, a proud look on his face as he shifts his weight a little. He's straining against his joggers, obviously hard but he doesn't pay any attention to it. The moment they fell through the door is when Sam's attention completely drew to Bucky.
He carefully presses another finger inside, scissoring his fingers to loosen him up more. Sam bends his upper body down so he can bury his face in Bucky's neck, working the skin between his teeth before soothing the sting with his tongue.
Bucky is trembling with need. His fingers dig into Sam's shoulders to keep himself somewhat present, his dick steadily leaking precum on his belly. Since Sam found out about the fact that Bucky can come more times in a row due to the super-serum, he's unstoppable.
''Are you going to come for me, Buck?'' Sam asks, pressing his fingers against his prostate in one smooth motion. Bucky moans and clenches his eyes shut to fight off the warm feeling coiling inside his tummy. He's almost there, he can feel it brewing beneath the surface, but it's like his body forces him to ask for that final nudge.
Sam bends down again and gently bites Bucky's earlobe, knowing exactly what drives Bucky wild. His fingers keep pressing against Bucky's sweet spot and his free hand smooth over his ribs. ''C'mon, I know you want to.'' he whispers.
Lust takes over Bucky's brain. That small voice in the back of his head disappears and takes all doubts with it. Suddenly there's only room for Sam and the last thing he'll need, his final push.
''Pull my hair.''
His voice sounds alien, hoarse with want and need. Sam lifts himself to look Bucky in the eye, a confused frown on his face. ''What?''
''Please.''
Sam's fingers grip his hair on the edge of painful and pull, and Bucky is done for. He comes so hard his vision blacks out for a moment. The only thing he can focus on are the waves of pleasure that wrack his body, Sam's fingers stilling inside him and the way he just keeps coming. It feels like hours before it stops, small shivers still running through his body as he tries to catch his breath.
As soon as the room comes back into view his eyes find Sam. He's looking at Bucky with wide eyes, shock written over his face and fingers still inside Bucky's ass. Bucky swallows and opens his mouth to apologize, explain, say anything, but Sam beats him to it.
''Holy shit.'' he breathes. ''Fuck, Bucky.''
Within a second he's on him, pulling them flush so he can kiss him, ignoring Bucky's cum on his chest. Sam retrieves his fingers and Bucky whines during their kiss, feeling empty already, but Sam quietly shushes him.
''You came so fucking hard, fuck.'' Bucky watches as Sam momentarily climbs off him, only to shove off his joggers and boxers in one motion, throwing them carelessly on the ground. He's hard as a rock and Bucky can feel his mouth water. He makes grabby hands to Sam, the other man taking back his position above him.
Sam presses their hips flush, making them both moan when their cocks touch. Despite coming already Bucky is still hard, his body still craving more because it knows Sam will give it to him.
He runs his hands over Sam's body when Sam gives him a filthy kiss. His hands run over dark skin, over scars and eventually reach their destination. Bucky takes Sam inside his hand, the man above him moaning loudly. The relief washes over his face, obviously thankful for being touched after so long.
Bucky starts to jack him off in slow movements, twisting his fist on the downstroke because he knows that's what Sam likes.
His movements stutter for a second when Sam's fingers suddenly appear in his hair. At first he softly runs them through the locks like he did a million times already but eventually they stop moving. Sam's face softens a bit, his fingertips pressing against Bucky's scalp.
''You like that?'' To reinforce his words Sam curls his fingers and pulls again, softer this time. Heat immediately zips over his spine and makes him moan throatily. Bucky nods as the heat rises to his cheeks, suddenly feeling a little bit unsure.
''You don't have to, if you don't want to.'' he whispers. He understands if Sam finds it weird or simply doesn't want to. Maybe they should talk about it but then he looks up and finds Sam's eyes. His pupils are dilated, only a small ring of brown visible and-
Oh.
Oh.
Sam pats the bed without taking his eyes off Bucky, grabbing the bottle of lube when he finds it. ''Trust me,'' He removes Bucky's hand only to replace it with his own, slicking his prick with lube on the way. ''I want to.''
His voice goes all low and syrupy, settling between Bucky's bones with anticipation. He's sleeping long enough with Sam to know what that look means. Sam is so turned on he'll wreck Bucky in the best way possible, only for him to put him back together again when it's over.
Bucky's body is relaxed because of his first orgasm, making it really easy for Sam to press into him. They both moan as Sam takes his time to hit home, always being careful with him. He pulls Sam closer so he can kiss him just when Sam's hips start moving.
Sam sets a deep and slow pace. They stop kissing only so they can moan and breathe against each other's mouth. Not once does Sam break eye contact as he fucks into Bucky's pliant body. He changes the angle of his hips and hits Bucky's prostate again, making the older man almost scream with the feeling.
He takes back his words. Thank Tony Stark and his technology because the soundproof rooms are very much needed and appreciated right now.
''You look so beautiful like this, shit.'' Sam hoists Bucky's legs up and around his hips, granting him easier access. Bucky starts to get a bit hazy around the edges with pleasure. He claws aimlessly at his lover's back. ''Please, Sam.'' he begs, silently asking him again without actually asking.
''I know.'' Sam whispers, slipping his hand back into Bucky's hair. He feels so sensitive and good that even something simple like Sam's hand in his hair makes him feel like he's going to burst. He tries to hold off but there's another orgasm brewing already that makes his belly clench pleasantly.
He starts begging. Pleas of 'please' and 'right there' as Sam takes whatever he needs from Bucky. And that's the thing. He'll give everything to Sam because he loves him so much it hurts. He never thought he could have this but now he does.
''That's it.'' Sam grunts. ''Let go, Buck.'' He closes his eyes and allows himself to feel. All his senses focus on Sam's hand in his hair, his fingers that tighten around a fistful of hair and eventually pull. It's not painful, Sam would never hurt him, but it stings in the best way.
It's like firework going off inside his body. He falls apart under Sam, his whole body shaking with pleasure as he comes a second time that evening. Sam slowly fucks him through it, pressing open-mouth kisses along Bucky's jaw towards his neck.
Sam only pushes inside one, two, three more times before his orgasm crashes over him, too. He curses as he spills inside Bucky, his whole body locking up. Bucky runs his trembling hands over Sam's shoulders down to his arms, silently telling him it's okay to lower himself.
The air gets knocked out of his chest when Sam falls on top of him but he doesn't mind. He wraps his arms around Sam who's still catching his breath and plants a kiss against his head.
Bucky winces when Sam starts to pull out, quietly murmuring an apology and giving Bucky a soft kiss. He feels sensitive when Sam returns from the bathroom to run a warm cloth over his body. His cock gives a twitch in interest when Sam runs the cloth over his thighs and hole but he's too spend to go another round.
Sam helps Bucky change into clean, soft joggers. He pulls the strings and presses a kiss against Bucky's tummy, making the former assassin smile fondly. Afterwards he runs to the bathroom again, quickly coming back in a clean pair of boxers.
They crawl under the covers together where Bucky immediately takes his place between Sam's arms. He listens to Sam breathe for a minute while his fingers tickle over his body. The silence gets broken first by Sam.
''So, pulling your hair gets you going?''
Bucky groans in fake annoyance but there's a huge smile breaking through, Sam laughing brightly from behind him. His arms pull Bucky closer so he can cuddle him to his chest. ''My dangerous White Panther with the staring problem has a hair-pulling kink!'' He exclaims with joy, only laughing harder when Bucky rams his elbow in his ribs.
''For fuck sake, Sam!'' He laughs as he tries to push Sam away. ''It's White Wolf, annoying asshole.''
Sam keeps snickering as Bucky gives up, settling inside the safety of his arms again. ''You didn't deny it.'' he points out, smoothing a hand over Bucky's hair. The older man hums softly, taking Sam's free hand in his and cuddling it close to his chest.
It's so easy like this.
He told Sam what he wanted, kind of, and his boyfriend didn't judge him for it. It may seem like Sam is making fun of him for it but Bucky knows better. He's trying to tell Bucky he's okay with it without making a big fuss about it. Because the world is still spinning, it didn't crumble down just because Bucky told Sam he loves having his hair pulled during sex.
He's only realising he's crying because Sam says his name, worry evident in his voice. Sam pushes himself a bit upright so he can look at Bucky, wiping away his tears that suddenly made their appearance.
''Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, baby.'' Sam looks sick with guilt as he presses a kiss against Bucky's temple. ''I was just teasing. There's nothing wrong with you.''
Bucky quickly nods. ''I know.'' he answers, trying to explain why he suddenly reacts like this. ''I'm not upset.'' Bucky brushes away the rest of his fallen tears. Sam sighs with relief but he still seems a bit confused. ''Why are you crying, then?''
''Because I love you.''
Sam's face falls, disbelief written all over it as his eyes skim Bucky's face. Bucky doesn't feel scared anymore. Suddenly it feels like he can finally breathe after holding his breath for years. It's like it finally clicks into place that this beautiful man who he loves so much accepts him just the way he is; twisted and a little bit messed up, but good enough.
A smile breaks out on Sam's face before he cups Bucky's face, kissing him with so much emotion he can feel it inside his toes. Sam is the one crying when they break apart, laughing wetly when it's Bucky's turn to wipe away his happy tears.
It's the first time in years Bucky feels as stable as in this moment. He's not scared to hear Sam's answer because he already knows. There are a lot of things he still has doubts over but not Sam's love for him. Never. It's proven to him when Sam whispers against his mouth;
''I love you, too.''
**
They bake cupcakes for Peter's birthday.
Sam turns to Bucky in the kitchen and asks him what his wish was when he gave him the cupcake for his birthday. Bucky kisses Sam softly before answering.
''To have you by my side for the rest of my life.''
Sam smiles and entwines their fingers, wedding bands pressed against each other.
''Maybe I should wish for a baby when it's my birthday in a few weeks.''
Bucky laughs and squeezes his hand. Memories of a positive pregnancy test flash through his head.
''Yeah, you should.''