Chapter Text
The first time they officially go out together, they go to the botanical garden. Pran doesn’t hate it, because being outdoors isn’t the worst thing ever, and Jeremy doesn’t care enough to think of somewhere better. They don’t talk much. Pran wears gloves so that he can hold Jeremy’s tiny cold hands while they walk, even though gloves make his hands twitchy and uncomfortable.
“Um…” Jeremy kicks the dirt on the path. “...Why did you want to do this?”
Pran glares at the ground, not looking towards him. “...if you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have asked me out.”
“That’s not what I mean.” Jeremy sighs. “Ugh, I don’t know why I asked, never mind.”
“...It’s fine,” Pran says.
“Why would you want to go out with me? Isn’t it embarrassing to be seen with me or whatever?”
“Anyone who thinks something like that is a terrible person,” Pran says, holding Jeremy’s hand tighter. “I don’t care what someone like that thinks. This is our business.”
“Whatever,” Jeremy says, walking just slightly closer to him.
“If you hate it that much we can just stay in your dorm next time. We don’t have to go somewhere. I don’t care.”
Jeremy doesn’t respond, and Pran walks along with him, wandering slowly down the trail. The gardens are nearly empty, nobody comes in the winter. That’s just the way Pran likes it. The cold air refreshes him, fills him with a vigor he thought he’d lost somewhere along the way. The energy urges him to hold Jeremy tighter, to not waste this, to keep the best thing he’s ever had and never let him go.
He rolls his eyes at this notion and ignores it.
“So, uhh,” Jeremy says, trying to fill the empty spaces Pran leaves in his wake. “Have you ever been here before?”
“Yes,” Pran says simply. “Have you?”
“Mm, I guess. I think my parents have probably made me come here, or something. What about you?”
“I draw here sometimes,” he says.
He likes to climb the trees, perch on a wider branch somewhere, and practice line drawing. He traces the shapes of the leaves into his pages like a prayer, the same way he draws Jeremy’s eyes. They achieve a sort of reverence, something better than humanity, something with purpose.
These are the things that he doesn’t tell Jeremy, and never will.
“I guess it’s better to do something here than to just walk around and accomplish nothing,” Jeremy says. Pran reads it as a complaint, but doesn’t reply. Instinctively, he wants to fix it, do better by Jeremy, the one person whose opinions could ever matter to him, but he shoves it down. He’ll never change himself for anything. He’ll never inconvenience himself for anyone else’s sake, even if it makes him an awful person. And it does make him an awful person, but it’s an easier way to live than to try so hard and never be enough despite that.
With Jeremy, he doesn’t have to try. Jeremy tolerates him even when he’s selfish, even when he’s an inconvenience, at his most terrible and obstructive. Jeremy doesn’t care if he never listens to anyone and never does anything good. Somehow, somewhere along the way, Pran just being became enough for Jeremy. That kind of unconditionality isn’t something he deserves, but that’s just how Jeremy is. If nothing else, he promises himself to never take it for granted, to love Jeremy forever and to stay beside him even if he’s never able to express it.
They walk through the entire garden without any more words between them. Pran likes to think that they don’t need words, but more likely is that neither of them knows what to do even without words. Pran doesn’t express himself verbally well. He tries to show what he means with gestures and on the rare occasion with his drawings, two things that he’d only ever show freely to one person. Jeremy knows what he means, he thinks, but can he really be sure? Or does he have to go further, show more, or worse of all, say it in words?
“Jeremy,” he says, and even just that comes out stilted and awkward, barely a whisper.
“Hm?” Jeremy looks up at him, blinking his tired eyes.
“...Nothing.”
“Okay.” He looks back down and keeps walking, unbothered.
That’s how easy it is with him. Jeremy doesn’t push, Jeremy doesn’t force him into anything. It couldn’t be easier to talk to him, but it’s the hardest it’s ever been for Pran now.
“...We’re coming here again,” Pran says. “Next weekend.”
Jeremy shrugs. “That’s fine. How come?”
“I want to draw something here,” he says. His voice takes on a defensive tone that it doesn’t need, not with Jeremy.
“Okay.”
“...Are you sure?” Pran whispers this.
“Yeah. I’m fine with it. It’s not that cold.”
“Good.”
They reach the entrance to the garden once again, having circled all the way around, and Pran lets go of Jeremy’s hand as they walk back into the public space. Jeremy shoves his hands into his pockets immediately in the cool air.
“...Are you sure you want to go out with me again?” Jeremy looks at him with dubious eyes, one of his thin eyebrows raised. “I dunno why you’d want to do something like that. Shouldn’t I have proved I’m not any fun to date by now?”
“I don’t care,” Pran says. “I want to do it again.”
Jeremy shrugs again, seemingly satisfied. “...Whatever. Bye, I’ll see you at school.”
“...Bye, Jeremy.” Pran reaches slightly as if to take his hand one last time, but changes his mind and turns around, not looking back.