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When Sang Woo’s mom told him to invite Gi Hun to his graduation, Sang Woo said that Gi Hun wouldn’t want to come and sit around for hours just to get a glimpse of him walking for a minute. It was almost as though Gi Hun was allergic to education.
But Sang Woo’s mom insisted, so he sighed and gave Gi Hun a call.
“Hey, it’s the pride and joy of Ssangmun-dong!” Gi Hun said as he hugged Sang Woo. He gave Gi Hun a noncommittal pat on the back, and didn’t even have to fake a smile this time. His mom was beaming, and he was glad she was happy. So much so, that he was allowing himself a bit of cathartic relief. Four long years of all nighters in the library and tests, and he was finally able to celebrate.
“Let me take a picture!” Gi Hun said after the ceremony, holding up an instant camera. Sang Woo smiled again, hugging his mom close.
He had never felt so victorious.
“Go on, then,” his mom said after Gi Hun snapped a couple pictures, winding the wheel with enthusiasm after each click. “Go celebrate, you two. Do some catching up, it’s been so long. You can use it while Emo and I are out of town.” She took an envelope out of her coat pocket and slipped it into Sang Woo’s hand.
“Eomma, please, I don’t need it,” he said immediately.
“I got enough for both of us!” Gi Hun insisted. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of him.”
His mother pushed the envelope toward Sang Woo. “For all your hard work,” she said, leaving him no room to argue. “Your father would be proud.”
Sang Woo’s smile faltered, the tassel of his cap shaking.
But it was only for a moment, and he swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat.
“I love you, Eomma. Thank you,” he said, and accepted the envelope with a bow.
Gi Hun slammed down a mug and patted Sang Woo on the back. “So how does it feel?” he asked, grabbing a handful of chips and shoving them into his mouth. He was always able to eat whatever he wanted and maintain such a slender physique. “Finally time for you to relax huh?”
“Not exactly. I got a job offer at Joy Investments,” Sang Woo said, lifting his mug and staring at the contents within. “I start on Monday.”
“Wow, that was fast!” Gi Hun said. “Guess you gotta enjoy this weekend while you can, huh?” His hair was longer than it was at Christmas, curly like how it used to be when Gi Hun let it grow out in high school. Sang Woo remembered staring at while he rode on the back of Gi Hun’s bike, his hands around his hyung’s waist.
His hand tightened around his beer mug, and he lifted it, taking a long swig of the bitter drink.
“What do you want to do?” Gi Hun asked. “The night is young, after all!”
“I don’t know,” Sang Woo said. “I haven’t gone a weekend without studying. I almost forgot what it’s like to drink.”
“Do you want to play some pool tomorrow? I started playing with some buddies from work, and I’m getting pretty good at it!” Gi Hun started speaking faster, the way he usually did when he would get one of his wild ideas. “Or we could go to the racetrack. I haven’t been there in a while, but it’s a good place to go if you want to let off some steam. Up to you, though, I know you don’t like it much since the last time we were there.”
Sang Woo raised a brow, and Gi Hun let out an awkward laugh. “Or we could go to the mandu place. You remember Mi Young? She owns it now! She’d love to see you again. Or, we could hang out at my place and get plastered on soju, save some of your grad money. My mom’s working tomorrow, so we’d have the place all to ourselves.”
Sang Woo drew in a long breath. He almost forgot how… small Ssangmun-dong really is.
“Ah, yeah, I know there’s not much to do,” Gi Hun said after studying his face. “You’re probably used to the high class bars and clubs around your school, right?”
Sang Woo took another gulp from his beer. His face was already getting warm, so he should pace himself. “Not exactly. Like I said, I really did spend most of my time studying.”
“But you can have fun now! Might as well enjoy your weekend off!” Gi Hun said with the megawatt grin of his. “Finish your drink, we’re going to the Nodaebang after this!”
Sang Woo froze, but Gi Hun didn’t seem to notice.
“So, what’s the dating situation like at Seoul National University? Got a girlfriend?” Gi Hun asked. “Bet there are a lot of smart, beautiful women there lining up for you! With a handsome face like that.” He lifted his hand and curled his fingers under Sang Woo’s chin, lightly scratching him with the tips of his fingers. It was a gesture that felt both new and familiar, due to how much time had passed since he last did it.
Sang Woo ignored the fire igniting in his lower abdomen, as he usually did when Gi Hun complimented his looks – or touched him – and shrugged. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling a little, so he lifted his mug to his lips so Gi Hun wouldn’t notice. “No, I haven’t had the time for a girlfriend.”
“No one?” Gi Hun asked, his eyes growing wide. “I would’ve thought —”
“— Yes, I did go on a few dates now and then,” Sang Woo interrupted, averting his eyes from Gi Hun. “Nothing serious. Women tend to be a bit, um… Clingy.”
“Well, maybe that’s your problem!” Gi Hun said, laughing loudly as he thumped Sang Woo on his back. “You just haven’t met the right person yet!”
Sang Woo finished his drink, ready to leave the bar. He started to take out his envelope so they could leave and change the conversation, but Gi Hun was faster.
He slapped down some cash and said, “All right, let’s go, Mr. SNU. You can pay for the room.”
“What about you, hyung?” Sang Woo asked when they reached their destination. “Are you dating anyone?”
He normally didn’t ask about Gi Hun’s love life, but for some reason, it was really important that he ask right now. It had nothing to do with how hot his face was, how he’d nearly stumbled twice on the way here. It certainly had nothing to do with Sang Woo’s hazy memory of his father, asking him why he spent more time playing with Gi Hun than doing his homework
“Oh, well, you know,” Gi Hun stammered, running a hand through his unruly hair. Sang Woo watched his hand card through the curls, highlighted by the orange lamplights towering over the cramped alley. “I guess I’m going through a dry period myself. I dated Mi Young for a few months but she, uh... we just realized we weren’t right for each other.”
“What happened?” Sang Woo asked, his interest piqued.
Gi Hun stopped brushing his hair with his hand and looked at Sang Woo. “I mean, okay, maybe I should’ve remembered her birthday. And got her something for Christmas.”
Sang Woo rolled his eyes.
“But I was really busy back then! Too much going on in my head already.”
“You remember my birthday,” Sang Woo said, something like pride curling contentedly in his chest. “I always get my gifts from you.”
“Yeah, well, I mean we’ve known each other forever, that’s different,” Gi Hun said, waving him off as he opened the door. “After you, Mr. prodigy!” he said with a bow, and Sang Woo rolled sighed as he strolled through the door.
But he couldn’t stop himself from smiling.
Nestled in one of the small private rooms, Sang Woo took a drag from his cigarette and stretched out his arm on the small couch, leaning back against the wall as Gi Hun belted out another song in front of the worn out karaoke machine.
They usually did this with their group of friends from school, but the handful of times they went alone, Gi Hun was a lot more theatrical and uninhibited, his voice so loud it probably reached the street above. Sang Woo usually sat back, content with just watching him.
It was true that Sang Woo had gone on a few dates. But even then, he wouldn’t technically classify them as dates.
Sang Woo took his freshman year at SNU extremely seriously. He barely spent his free time with anyone but his roommate, and even then they only went on coffee runs to keep their supply steady.
In sophomore year, Sang Woo allowed himself to relax more. Too much, he thought with a wince. One night while out at a bar, he got blackout drunk and woke up in one of his study mate’s friend’s dorm room.
Sang Woo had turned over in the cramped bed and his breath caught in his throat when he saw another man whose name he didn’t know.
Both of them were naked.
Now, years later, sitting in the karaoke bar as Gi Hun sings his heart out, Sang Woo closed his eyes at the memory, at how ashamed he’d felt at letting his guard down. He had told himself he wasn’t going to give into his urges, that they weren’t normal like his father said it wasn’t normal for Sang Woo to cry when Gi Hun left his place after a sleepover. Sang Woo had feared back then that he’d get expelled if he got caught with another male student. Fortunately, the stranger’s roommate was gone, so Sang Woo was able to sneak out at 5 in the morning back to his own dorm. He’d laid in his own bed the rest of the weekend, faking illness, but he mostly tried to will his tears away.
Sang Woo was supposed to get a girlfriend, get married, and give his mother a grandchild. That was the plan.
That was supposed to be the plan.
Sang Woo didn’t even count his blackout experience as his first time having sex. He didn’t see any used condoms in the room, though the truth was he was too afraid to look. He certainly didn’t feel any different, aside from the shame that seeped out from him that weekend like sweat.
He’d gone home that summer to visit his mom, and he hung out with Gi Hun for a day. It was like ten years and no time at all had passed between them. They’d gone to karaoke with a couple of Gi Hun’s coworkers, and as Gi Hun sang with one of his friends, Sang Woo watched him from his seat, squished between two of Gi Hun’s coworkers.
It had taken some time for Sang Woo to become accustomed to Gi Hun and his friends’ gregarious, less refined nature. Sang Woo was used to quiet nights in the library, or in his dorm room with his roommate, light jazz music playing as they studied.
But watching Gi Hun sing, just like in the present, Sang Woo felt his pants tighten, and his face grow hot. Hotter than it usually did when he got drunk. Must’ve been his lowered tolerance, since he hadn’t drank in a year.
He shifted in his seat and Gi Hun’s friend – Sang Woo couldn’t even remember his name – glared at him. He hadn’t acknowledged Sang Woo since they first met up and he said, “So this is the famous Cho Sang Woo you’ve been going on about, right?”
Sang Woo had glanced at Gi Hun, almost as if his thoughts could force Gi Hun to stop bragging about him. But Gi Hun had only waved off his friend, grinning as he gave Sang Woo a pat on the arm. “I only told them good things. Don’t worry.”
Sang Woo had froze up in his seat, both in the past and on the otherwise empty couch. Did Gi Hun’s friend know that he was getting hard just looking at Gi Hun, like he used too? Tracing the lines of his face, his gaze lingering on Gi Hun’s eyes as Sang Woo allowed himself, in his small selfish moments he thought no one would ever see, to imagine Gi Hun’s eyes closed in ecstasy as Sang Woo scked him off.
Shortly after he returned to SNU for junior year, Sang Woo had the sexual experience he could actually remember.
It was with a senior who had curly brown hair, worn longer than most of the guys did. He had delicate features, and beautiful eyes.
Sang Woo took him from behind, imagining that the slender man was Gi Hun as Sang Woo slid into him, pleasure flooding into him that was sweeter than sugar.
Sang Woo told himself this was wrong. He shouldn’t be enjoying this.
But he came within minutes and when he did, gazing down at the back of the senior’s head, he nearly called out Gi Hun’s name.
Sang Woo tended to sneak in little “study sessions” with men at school who were slightly older, had smaller frames, and unruly hair. Sang Woo knew that Gi Hun would never return his feelings, that he would never see him as anything other than their hometown’s pride and joy. A younger brother to tease and coddle – not a boyfriend, or husband.
In the present, Sang Woo took another drag on his cigarette, content with watching Gi Hun as his boner strained against his jeans, and this time he wasn’t pressed in on either side by others. He was alone on the couch.
Until Gi Hun strode over with the microphone clutched in his hand, finishing off the song he’d been singing that Sang Woo had tuned out, lost in his memories.
“In other words... I love youuuuuu,” Gi Hun sang, dragging out the last word as he pointed directly at Sang Woo.
Sang Woo nearly choked on the smoke, stubbing out the butt of the cigarette as the song finished and Gi Hun collapsed against his shoulder, laughing his ass off as the smoke trails disappeared in the air. “You should see your face right now! I’m pretty good, right? No need to applaud. Well, your pick, what’s your song choice?”
Sang Woo grabbed the half finished beer and finished it off, hoping Gi Hun would get impatient and pick the next song. But he didn’t, so Sang Woo sighed as he set the empty bottle on the table.
“I don’t really have a preference,” he said, and Gi Hun sighed.
“Come on, Sang Woo, don’t you want to live it up a little on your last weekend of freedom?” Gi Hun asked, settling against the couch and patting Sang Woo on the shoulder, their faces inches apart. “It’s going to be work, work, work for you starting next Monday, and if you don’t let loose and enjoy yourself —”
Sang Woo leaned forward and kissed Gi Hun on the lips.
“Mmm!” Gi Hun’s cry of surprise was muffled by Sang Woo’s lips. He tasted the smoke and beer in Gi Hun’s mouth, and Sang Woo hated himself, hated how he couldn’t just hold himself back.
But Gi Hun was right, Sang Woo would be starting his new job soon. And he wouldn’t see Gi Hun for a long time, probably years. If he wanted to be successful, and provide for his mother, he would have to ignore all of his... distractions.
So he kissed Gi Hun in the small karaoke booth.
Sang Woo had played out this scenario countless times:
“What are you doing?” was the worst reaction he had imagined by far – in Sang Woo’s lowest moments, he imagined Gi Hun punching him and asking how sick he was.
“Sang Woo, I’m flattered, but you’re my brother, you know?” That was logically how he expected things to go. Gi Hun wasn’t attracted to men, he had only talked about how pretty the girls at their school were and dated women. He kept asking Sang Woo the few times they saw each other whether he was dating a pretty co-ed at SNU. Gi Hun would get married, and give his mother a grandchild. Sang Woo was absolutely sure of it. Gi Hun was nothing if not predictable.
Gi Hun froze, sitting on the couch next to Sang Woo, his arm still stretched out on the back and supporting Gi Hun.
Sang Woo’s world slowed down, it was only a few seconds’ worth of a kiss, but he would remember it as a lifetime, because he knew that in a moment, Gi Hun would punch him and ask him what the hell was he thinking.
Sang Woo broke the kiss first, and time sped back up. Thoughts raced through his head as he separated from Gi Hun, watching his wide eyes, coming up with excuses that he drank too much and he should really head home, to pretend it never happened.
Gi Hun stared at him for a few minutes as Sang Woo stared back, for the first time at a complete loss for words.
“I’m sorry, hyung, I —” he started, not really knowing how he was going to end that sentence, he was too busy hating himself.
And Gi Hun closed the distance and kissed him back, with much more force.
It was Sang Woo’s turn to let out a muffled cry, but it turned into a half sob as Gi Hun opened his mouth. The kiss turned sloppy, their teeth clicked together, Sang Woo took over and sucked at Gi Hun’s bottom lip.
“Fuck,” Gi Hun groaned, and pressed closer to Sang Woo.
He was dreaming. That was the only explanation for this. He’d wake up alone in his bed, back in his mother’s place, and this would be one of the many dreams he had to comfort himself at night.
But the small room’s lights were too bright even when he closed his eyes, and he never imagined tasting beer when he kissed Gi Hun. He never had this specific scenario play out in his mind. They were always in Gi Hun’s room when they were younger, or they were in Sang Woo’s dorm room, Gi Hun having made a surprise visit to confess to Sang Woo he loved him, and always did.
If this were truly reality, Sang Woo wasn’t going to let it go to waste.
He lifted one hand to remove his glasses, as Gi Hun was pressed so close he was sure to leave marks on his face. With his other hand, the one splayed out on the back end of the small couch, Sang Woo lowered it to Gi Hun’s back.
And he leaned over Gi Hun, lowering his back down to the couch.
“I didn’t know,” Gi Hun said, gasping as he let Sang Woo lower him down onto the couch, automatically lifting his legs under Sang Woo’s so he was lying down. It was cramped, and the couch was ripped in places, but Sang Woo couldn’t care less. “I never thought... When?”
Sang Woo lifted his head a bit and ground his hips against Gi Hun’s, eliciting a sharp cry that made Sang Woo’s lower abdomen clench with need.
“I don’t know,” he murmured, pressing another kiss on Gi Hun’s soft lips. “Forever, maybe? It’s been so long, I can’t remember.”
Freshman year of high school. Sang Woo rushing out his front door, his mother calling out her good wishes for his first day. Gi Hun standing in the alley next to his bike, a brand new one, big enough for the both of them to ride, like Gi Hun said he would get. “You’re starting high school, that’s a big deal, all right?” Gi Hun had said when Sang Woo fretted about the price. “Don’t worry, I’m going to get a job at the mandu shop this summer, you know, the one Mi Young’s dad owns. I’ll pay it off in no time.”
Younger Gi Hun’s smile was bright and open when Sang Woo saw him patting his new bike proudly. “Look,” he said, “Now we still have room to ride together.”
And Sang Woo knew, truly knew, why he cried when Gi Hun left after sleepovers.
“Come to my place,” Gi Hun pleaded, breathless. “Our moms will be gone the rest of the weekend. We can spend the next two days together, just the two of us.”
Sang Woo hesitated. “But you were talking about going to play pool with your friends, and the race track...”
Gi Hun let out a long laugh. “Fuck that! I want to spend this weekend with you. Don’t worry, we can just sleep tonight. I’m sure you’re tired after the ceremony. All right?”
Sang Woo wasn’t tired at all. In fact, he wanted to stay up kissing Gi Hun, even if it meant spending the rest of the money his mom gave him on renting out this cramped smoky room.
He shouldn’t be doing this, any of this. He had planned to leave Sunday afternoon to meet one of his fellow alums, so they could move into the apartment they rented. Sang Woo shouldn’t be distracting himself. He should be focusing on his future.
“Sang Woo-ya?” Gi Hun asked.
He snapped out of his thoughts, realizing he was staring past Gi Hun at the idle pictures of nature flashing across the karaoke machine. Gi Hun was watching him tentatively, his eyes big and pleading, like a puppy.
Sang Woo sighed. It was truly cruel of Gi Hun to use that face on him.
“I’d love to spend the weekend with you,” he said.
Gi Hun beamed, his smile brighter than the lights above them, and Sang Woo nearly felt his heart skip a beat.