Work Text:
“Can I come in?”
Barba eyed Amanda warily, not that she blamed him. The last time a cop showed up unannounced on his doorstep, it was probably to arrest him for murder. “Depends on what you want,” he said after a moment.
Amanda took a deep breath. “Carisi asked me to marry him.”
Barba blinked, and took a step back. “Come on in, Detective.”
In all their years working together, Amanda had never once set foot in Barba’s apartment. They just weren’t those kinds of colleagues, and besides, she’d always been willing to cede this particularly arena to Carisi.
But as she followed Barba inside, she wasn’t surprised by what she saw. Barba’s apartment looked much like Barba’s office had, right down to the thick law books that lined the various bookshelves throughout the living room. The only thing really surprising about Barba was the man himself, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt and therefore far more casually than Amanda had ever seen.
“Nice place,” she offered, and Barba arched an eyebrow at her.
“Is this your attempt at softening the blow?” he asked, his trademark snark clearly not having gone the way of his three piece suits and brightly colored ties.
“Where I come from, people consider this manners,” Amanda told him.
Barba snorted as he gestured for her to take a seat. “I prefer honesty to manners,” he told her. “Especially since I’m dying to know why I merited being told this particular piece of news in person.”
Amanda shrugged as she sat down on the couch, which was more comfortable than it looked. “I figured, given you and Sonny’s history…”
She trailed off, and Barba nodded slowly, his expression unreadable. “So he told you.”
Amanda shook her head. “No,” she said. “But his mother did.” Barba’s eyes snapped to hers and Amanda allowed herself a moment of feeling triumphant at getting one over on Rafael Barba. But it was short-lived. “When Sonny finally introduced us, his mother made a comment about how she liked me more than the last one. ‘Less prickly’, she said, though she also commented that I didn’t ‘dress as well’.” She shrugged again. “There was really only one person who fit the bill, especially one person that Sonny spent years flirting with.”
“You seem remarkably well-adjusted to this knowledge,” Barba said slowly.
“Not everyone in the South is homo- or biphobic,” she said sourly.
Barba didn’t rise to the bait, just nodding again. “Well,” he said after a long moment. “So we’ve both slept with the man. I suppose it’s high time you and I had something in common.” He gripped the back of the armchair, the only visible sign thus far that he was affected by how the conversation had gone. “I can’t pretend I didn’t think this day would eventually come, once Carisi moved to the DA’s office. But again, I’m not sure why my history with him merits this conversation, as I somehow doubt you’re extending this courtesy to everyone who’s slept with Sonny.”
“My understanding is that there was a bit more to your relationship than just sleeping together,” Amanda said evenly. “And I figured I did owe this courtesy to the only other person Sonny’s been in love with.”
For the first time, Barba’s expression changed, his face tightening with some unspoken emotion, and he ran a hand across his face before huffing a sigh. “Did you drive?” he asked abruptly, and Amanda blinked, taken aback by the question.
“No.”
“Good,” Barba said shortly. “Then at least I won’t be drinking alone.” He headed into the kitchen, reaching up to pull two rock glasses from a cabinet before eyeing them critically, putting them back and pulling out two larger glasses, which he brought with a bottle of scotch to set on the coffee table. “I know bourbon’s more your drink, but I suspect you’ll make an exception.”
Amanda raised an eyebrow as she took a sip. “Normally I wouldn’t,” she said. “But you’ve got private sector money now, so I imagine the quality of the scotch has increased.”
Barba half-smiled. “One of the few perks of my career trajectory,” he said as he settled down into the armchair. “Salud.” He drained half his glass in one swallow and leaned forward to grab the bottle and top himself off. “So when’s the wedding date?”
“I haven’t said yes yet.”
Barba’s expression shifted yet again. “If you came here under the mistaken intention of getting my blessing, or my permission—”
“I don’t need your permission,” Amanda said, sharper than she intended.
Barba didn’t seem impressed by the outburst. “Then why this particular stop before you tell him yes? Unless you’ve come to seek my advice on breaking Sonny’s heart.”
“Did you?” Amanda asked, and Barba frowned at her. “Break his heart, I mean?” Barba was staring at her with an unreadable expression, and she took a gulp of scotch mostly to give herself something to do. “I know about you two, obviously, but Sonny’s never mentioned it, so I don’t really know what happened.”
Barba stared down into his glass, swirling the amber liquid. “Nothing,” he replied finally. “Nothing really happened, besides everything that happened.”
She knew immediately that he was referring to his arrest, and trial, and everything that precipitated and followed it. “So, what, you just sort of fizzled out?”
Barba made a face and took a sip of scotch. “That’s certainly one way of putting it.”
“Then how would you put it?”
Barba took another sip of scotch, a longer pull this time as he clearly thought through his answer. “We were at a crossroads,” he said finally, after a long moment. “Where we could either take the plunge and do this thing for real, no disclosure, no ducking out of public view just to kiss each other hello at the courthouse.” His expression softened at the memory before something like pain flit across his features and he looked away. “But in the end, it wasn’t what we both wanted. Sonny had his career to think about, and I had what was left of mine to try and salvage.” He shrugged with a sort of deliberate, almost rehearsed lack of concern. “So we went our separate ways.”
Amanda nodded slowly. “Meaning there wasn’t really a fight, or anything.”
“You sound almost disappointed by that,” Barba said.
“I’m not, really,” she said honestly. “Mainly because I believe I swore to kick anyone’s ass if they hurt Sonny and as much as you and I have had our differences, I wouldn’t enjoy that.” She hesitated before adding, “But it sounds like it would’ve been a cleaner break.”
“For him or for you?” Barba asked, uncharacteristically blunt, and Amanda found she couldn’t quite bring herself to answer that. Luckily, it seemed Barba mostly meant it rhetorically, as he continued, “To answer what I think you’re trying to get at, we didn’t end things because we didn’t love each other anymore. We ended things because we weren’t right for each other at that moment.” His expression soured. “And because, frankly, he deserved better than me. To that end, I’m glad he’s found you.”
He raised his glass in a toast, but Amanda somehow felt like the words were a veiled insult. “He dated other people, though,” she said instead. “While you two were doing whatever you want to call what you were doing.”
Barba nodded, though his brow furrowed at the abrupt change in subject. “Yes,” he said. “We weren’t necessarily exclusive.” He took another sip of scotch and made a face. “Though honestly he didn’t demonstrate great choices in who he chose to pursue.”
Amanda managed a wan smile. “The journalist?”
Barba shuddered. “Don’t even mention her,” he said.
She barked a laugh before hesitating. “You know he kissed me.”
Barba didn’t look surprised. “In West Virginia, yes.”
“While you two were together.”
Barba had already said that they weren’t exclusive, but she still needed to clarify, or to confirm, and he shook his head. “We were never really together,” he said quietly. “Not in the traditional sense.”
Amanda frowned. “So none of that played a role in breaking you two up?”
Barba took a long moment before answering. “I was the one who insisted that we not be exclusive,” he said finally. “Even though I think I went on charitably a handful of dates with other people while we were together. But I know Sonny, and I know that he would put his entire heart and soul into a relationship, and I didn’t want him to make that choice without fully knowing what he was getting into.” He shook his head again and looked away. “Besides, I knew from the beginning that there was always going to be something that I couldn’t give him, and I knew it was only a matter of time before he looked for it somewhere else. I figured by ensuring we weren’t exclusive, I’d minimize the fallout.”
“I see,” Amanda said, even though she didn’t, not really.
“Is that why you came here tonight?” Barba asked. “Why you really came here tonight, I mean?”
“I don’t know—”
Barba gave her a look. “Detective, you and I have had our differences but I’ve never once thought you were stupid and I imagine the sentiment is mutual.” Amanda flushed. “You didn’t come here to ask for my permission, or my blessing, or to make sure Sonny and I were really over.”
“No,” she said quietly.
“You came here because you think there’s something you can’t give him. And you’re worried that he’ll go looking for it elsewhere, too.”
There didn’t really seem to be any point in trying to deny it further. “Yes.”
Barba drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair, his expression unreadable as he looked flatly at her. “The difference, Detective, is that I couldn’t give him the life he wanted. But that’s exactly what you can give him. And it’s why he won’t go looking elsewhere.”
Amanda laughed again, a short, dry, humorless laugh. “What, you think a ring on his finger and a couple of kids will be enough to get him to stay?”
“I do,” Barba said simply. “Because I think it’s the only thing that ever could for Sonny.” He hesitated before adding, “And that’s why you have my blessing, for whatever it is worth. Because you will be giving him everything I know he’s ever wanted, and all I’ve ever wanted is for him to be happy.”
There was something wistful in his tone, something that pierced Amanda right in the center of her insecurity, and she couldn’t help but blurt, more a statement than a question, “You’re still in love with him.”
“Of course,” Barba said, sounding a little surprised by the question. “He’s the love of my life. Even if I wasn’t the love of his.”
Amanda made a face. “But, what, I am?”
“No.” Barba didn’t say it cruelly but Amanda still flinched. “I think your daughters are the love of Sonny’s life. Or more accurately, I think the family he wants to build with you and your daughters will end up being the love of his life.”
Unexpected tears pricked the corners of Amanda’s eyes, and she ducked her head. “You couldn’t give him the life he wanted,” she said, her voice low, echoing Barba’s words back to him.
She looked up in time to see him shake his head, something tightening in his expression. “No,” he said again. “I couldn’t.”
“If Sonny came knocking on your door in six months, or a year, because he wanted what I can’t give him, would you?” she asked, just a little desperately. “Would you sleep with him?”
“Yes.” Barba’s voice was barely a whisper but she heard the answer clear as day, confirming what she had known ever since deciding to come here. “But he wouldn’t.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.” Barba’s lips twitched towards an attempt at a smile. “Because he’s a good man, and he loves with his whole heart, and he wouldn’t do that to your family.”
She shook her head. “You can’t make that guarantee.”
Barba just shrugged and drained his glass of scotch. “Of course not. No one can.”
“So you want me to take it on faith.”
“It’s Sonny,” Barba told her, a little wryly. “There’s always some faith involved when it comes to Sonny.” He stood and for a moment she thought he was going to pour himself another glass of scotch, but he seemed to think better of it, instead taking his glass into the kitchen as he told her over his shoulder, “He loves you, Amanda. And it’s up to you to decide if the way he loves you is enough for you, and enough to make this work. Whatever he feels or has felt for anyone else, that doesn’t change what he wants to build with you.”
There were a great many things that Amanda wanted to say to that, but all of them were just a little too soft – and a little too true – for her to say to Rafael Barba, of all people. So she settled for falling back on their usual pattern. “Well,” she said, bringing her glass into the kitchen as well. “I don’t know what I expected when I came here tonight, but I am certainly surprised to find that you have a heart after all.”
“Just don’t go spreading it around,” Barba warned her. “I do still have the semblance of a reputation to uphold.” He gave her a tight smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes before asking, “So are you going to say yes?”
Amanda shrugged. “I don’t know. I still have a lot to think about, and I need to talk to my girls about it.” She started heading towards the door, having gotten what answers she needed, but then paused. “If I say yes—”
“You will,” Barba interjected, with more confidence than Amanda felt.
“—If I say yes,” she continued, giving him a look, “I would like you to be at our wedding.” Barba’s smile faded. “And I know Sonny would want you there, too.”
Barba ducked his head. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “But I think it would be best for everyone if I wasn’t.”
“Because you still love him.”
Barba’s eyes met hers. “Yes. And no.” He took a deep breath before telling her, “Detective, the part of me that wants to be as good a man as Sonny always thought I was also wants him to be happy, even if that’s with you. But the part of me that is and always has been selfish wants you to fail.”
He delivered the words simply, almost pleasantly, which made each one feel all the more like a blow to her stomach. “There will always be a part of me that wants you two to fall apart. As much as it would break my heart, because I know how much it would hurt Sonny, and I don’t want him to be hurt, I will always want him to show up at my door again. To tell me that he still loves me just as much as I still love him. To tell me that the only life he wants to build is one with me.” Any semblance of a smile either had worn had long since disappeared. “So for that reason, I will have to respectfully decline the invitation.”
Amanda felt stunned. Whatever she had been expecting him to say, that wasn’t it. “Thank you for your…honesty, I guess,” she managed.
“Candor was never a weakness of mine.”
That was certainly an understatement. Amanda took a quick breath before adding, a little pointedly, “And thank you for loving him enough to let him go.”
Barba gave her a sharp, flinty smile. “Thank you for loving him in the way that he needs right now, and for giving him what I couldn’t,” he said, the words sounding like a challenge.
She nodded once. “Well,” she said, edging closer to the door, “I should leave you to your evening.”
“Of course,” Barba said, following her to the door. “I’d tell you to say hi to Liv and Sonny for me, but I’d imagine you wouldn’t want either of them to find out about this little jaunt to the Upper East Side.”
“Not so much,” Amanda agreed. “And I assume I can trust you not to mention it to either of them?”
She knew he wouldn’t, but she still had to say it. “You have my word,” Barba told her.
“Right.” She hesitated, feeling like she should offer to shake his hand or give him a hug or something, but again, they were never those kinds of colleagues, and even more so after the conversation they had just had. “Well. Have a good night.”
“You too, Detective,” Barba told her, and she gave him an awkward sort of wave before heading out, pausing only when he called after her, “And Detective – good luck.”
For some reason, those words felt more like a threat than anything else, and as Amanda made her way downstairs, she couldn’t help but feel like she was leaving with more questions and less certainty than she came with.