Chapter Text
Izuku was tired.
Really tired.
That might be why he hadn’t moved an inch from that spot since hours ago.
He was sitting behind metal fences separating him from the beautiful sunset that illuminated his skin with orange light, giving the illusion of color to his already a bit tanner than most Japanese people’s skin.
The sunlight felt warm, not too hot, not too cold, as it encompassed his entire being. It was comfortable and somehow calming to his broken soul, as though the light intended to mend the wounds of his broken heart. It was only his imagination though, because in reality, it only managed to touch his clothes and outer skin, making his physical wounds hidden behind his gakuran warmer.
Nevertheless, he was still glad with the tentative pleasure of the feeling and the beautiful sight.
Izuku took a small breath and exhaled it slowly, trying to relax his body as he was enjoying the sunset from the rooftop of an apartment. He didn’t know which apartment it was, since All Might—with Izuku clinging on his legs, stupid decision, stupid action—had landed on a random high place, probably so people wouldn’t notice them talking with each other—or maybe he didn’t want to risk anyone beside Izuku to see his ‘weakness’.
Now, he was gone. So he didn’t matter anymore to this current situation.
This was actually the highest ground Izuku had ever stood. His apartment and school rooftop wasn’t as high as this apartment. He thought this might be one of the highest building in Musutafu. Perhaps, that was the reason All Might decided to have the conversation on the top of this building, since he obviously noticed this building first in his sight.
Izuku pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his skinny arms around it as though he wanted to protect his body from the world, the cruel world which seemed to never accept him as its denizen, as evidenced by how cruel and lonely and sad his life was.
There was no energy in his body. He wasn’t in mood to go home, faking a big smile toward his beloved mother—the only one who ever cared about him and his well-being—to make her smile and a bit happier because she had been stressing over work and over Izuku’s wounds and bruises;
Sleeping as nightmares from the bullies, teachers, and cursed words containing quirkless, quirkless, and quirkless continued to flood through his dreams as if it was a virus that would eat his happiness up until it was completely gone from his soul;
Then he would go to school, hit and punched and beaten up until he was only black and blue with bandages wrapped around most parts of his body;
Until he had to eat alone and hid on the rooftop from his bullies who seemed to enjoy making his life suffer more;
Until he went home and repeated the vicious cycle again and again everyday… until he eventually died.
… Izuku… was tired. And lonely.
His big viridian eyes were fixed on nothing. Perhaps it wasn’t nothing, and it was the sunset sky as the sun gradually went down. But his mind wasn’t even fixed on the sky. Perhaps it was the clouds but he didn't know where his focus should be on the clouds that seemed somehow looked more uninteresting today, when he normally enjoyed looking at them.
He still kept watching blankly at the sky because it was still able to make him calm in serenity. The beautiful sunset was one of the few things that made him truly happy.
Besides All Might.
His defensive sitting position faltered in an instant at the sudden words that slipped inside his mind. But he returned to his previous position almost as quickly it faltered, albeit more firmly.
He tightened his arms even more and his face dipped in between his knees. He told his mind not to think about the incident again, repeatedly, as if it was a mantra to hypnotize himself to forget about the ‘unfair truth’.
Nevertheless, his mind still betrayed what he wished, and since it was an accident that had just happened today and very recently, his mind still latched on that painful memories until it couldn’t release its hold because it was stuck on it.
The bad memories started to fill his head again like a cup that began to be poured with water until it was full and overflowed so much he could hardly think of anything else.
He was in a messy state of shock, disappointment, sadness, and upset. All of the things he had believed in were suddenly shattered and he became unaware of reality itself, whether what happened was a reality or a dream created by the cruelty of his mind that deep down believed in the words of everyone around him.
He couldn’t think properly and all of his anxiety started to overcome him again until bad thoughts continued to come his way non-stop.
This made him think this was exactly the reason why people said that people tended to remember nightmares than peaceful dreams. Just like how they remembered the more painful memories because they felt it more than the happy memories. Because it hurt them more and it felt like their heart was tearing apart the moment they remembered the nightmares and the painful memories.
In Izuku’s case, he felt and experienced it everyday, so he could feel the moment his mind—the positive mind which used to have self-assurance and self-acceptance in it—was tearing apart to the point it was almost annihilated.
All that was left was his tormenting mind, which kept blaming himself and punished himself with negative thoughts and nightmares as a reminder that he had been useless since the moment he was born. He contributed nothing to the world and society and no one cared—besides his mother, but it was obvious because she was his family—if he disappeared.
He previously believed that he could try to be a hero to become a helpful and useful figure, to fight his destiny as a useless person. However, after knowing the reality that had been forced into him, Izuku wasn’t convinced anymore.
What did it mean to be born when he couldn’t change himself and do anything useful for the others and the world?
At least his already torn apart and the more positive mind was still working as Izuku knew to shake his head quickly at that thought, refusing the idea his negative mind tried to provide him, trying to make those poisonous thoughts vanish from his mind (it would never vanish).
He closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. Inhaled, exhaled, inhaled, exhaled, inhaled, exhaled. Until his heartbeat gradually went normal and he let out a small sigh of relief.
Opening his eyes once more, he decided to look down.
Between the empty spaces in the metal fences, Izuku saw people, like ants since they were really far far away on the quite busy street. He could still imagined what they did though regardless of the distance.
There were a couple of people-like-ants together. People might be talking, chattering with each other. Smiles decorated their faces, couples, friends, and colleagues. There might also be some people walking alone, with a bag in their hands or arms, some holding their phones, some not. There might be a few tired people like him, but not as sad as him. They were at least content with their life. They had jobs and dreams and even though they were tired, they would be recharged easily with enough sleep, earning money and providing their beloved families.
Albeit thinking like that, Izuku wasn’t trying to compete to be the most pitiful person in the world. Of course not. He preferred to live normal and happy life like any other people. He didn’t believe he was the most pitiful person in the world.
There were still another quirkless people who might have the same experiences as him. There might be abused, kidnapped, even tortured people whom heroes hadn’t managed to save. But, his foremost mind stuck and focused more on the visuals he always observed in his daily life.
Classmates who made friends and hang out with each other, normal interactions between the teachers and the students, classmates who smiled and had fun doing different kind of things, going to karaoke, cafes, eating together and gossiping and chattering about various topics. People who were enjoying their life and had their own hopeful dreams.
Izuku couldn’t help but being a bit envious of those people.
Izuku noticed there was a precipice between him and those more fortunate people. There was no bridge or even broken bridge for him to walk over to the other side, toward the side which society accepted. The precipice was huge, enormous, infinite, and he wondered if he threw himself into it, he would immediately—
Izuku jerked back, he flinched so hard that if he was standing, he would immediately fall. His defensive position collapsed completely and his face became paler at that thought, that pessimistic and negative thought he really hated, coming back to affect his mind with its poison.
‘No. Izuku.’ He reprimanded his negative side. ‘Never let that thought consumpt you. You have mom who loves you and you can’t leave her. If you can’t do anything, you’ll now live just for her. Your life is hers. She will be devastated if you aren’t around anymore.’
‘But don’t you notice you make your mom suffers?’ His dark side of his mind kept going to oppose his more positive mind. It was the less merciful mind (but somehow it could see past the idealistic belief he was always ensnared in, it could see past the reality and saw the logical idea he always avoided, but the reality and the logical idea was so cruel if he decided to accept it. That’s why he decided to be dreamer, to be delusional, probably to keep him sane). ‘With your quirklessness, she has to see you with bruises and wounds every day. Isn’t she tired and distressed since that fateful day when you were diagnosed as quirkless as if it was a decease, a curse that befalls to less lucky people who fail to spin the jackpot on the wheel of fate? Aren’t you the main reason she is sad and eats more and more to lighten her burden in life? She’s a single mother. She already has a lot on her plate. Being close to you, she needs to carry your burden too. And your existence in her life adds her burden.’
His own voice inside his negative mind gradually changed to someone else’s voice. A voice so familiar he heard everyday, which always brought dread to him after hearing how loud and aggresive it was, a voice that promised ‘hurt’ to the peers he declared as useless and worthless and couldn’t do anything because the others couldn’t use them at all.
Like a thing, not human.
The person behind the voice acted like he was at the top of the world, the king who punished him and the other less fortunate people as if they had done something sinful in their life. Villainous (villains), weak (useless), and quirkless (useless) were in the same category according to that person. They were all a group of potentially to become useless and were even already useless. The person’s twisted belief thought it was fine to hurt them because they couldn’t become ‘anything right’ later in the future.
It was his childhood bully friend’s, Kacchan’s voice, which reverberated inside his mind.
The voice which was fabricated by his negative mind, a voice that spat out the exact same words he’d just heard that very day. Words that completely changed and destroyed his perspective of someone he considered as the closest person to him beside his mother.
He was the one who made him finally, truly hear the voice of his negative mind.
‘Believe that you’ll be born with a quirk next life and take a swan dive off the roof! And maybe—‘
The line halted for a moment and another voice, a loud voice—which used to placate him until he felt like he could bear with every bad things happened in his life, voice that used to make him stronger and hopeful with life and himself—boomed inside his mind as if it was about to give reassurance to the public. Just sounded like what it did every time he watched the first debut. But now, that voice haunted him in his pensive state. And he thought it would start to appear inside his nightmares from now on.
It continued Kacchan’s words, as though it agreed to what Kacchan was about to say. And if he thought about it again, they had similar opinion about quirkless people, though how they delivered it was so different. The result was the same however, it still somehow pierced his heart until it made a big hole in his hopeful heart.
‘——You will finally become useful that way—‘ what seemed to be a mix of Kacchan’s and All Might’s voice suggested correspondingly.
Izuku clutched the sides of his head tightly, squeezing his annoying messy curly hair and feeling like his hair was yanked by his own grip. But he ignored it. He was too focused on what those voices in his mind said to himself.
‘What was that thought? It appears more often than before, than yesterday. Am I broken? Am I insane? But if I’m insane, mom doesn’t have any money to make me go to— Wait, do they even accept quirkless people? Maybe if I go to the mental hospital, they will accept me.’
‘And maybe, if only you jump from here, you won’t make your mom spend more money on you—‘
‘No!’ His hands clenched until they turned white, his nails pierced his own palms. ‘I just… don’t need to mention this to mom. It will be fine. Everything will be fine.’
‘But will it really be fine?’
Wasn’t that the true question?
Izuku gasped, his own eyes widened when he processed the thought again. His breathing became faster from both panic and shock. But he started to calm himself again, taking a deep breath, exhaled again. How many times he had to do this routine?
He had to go home quickly so he wouldn’t keep hearing the voice. Even though he sometimes liked silence, silence often brought bad thoughts into his mind.
Izuku promptly grabbed his yellow backpack that was leaning beside him. He was about to stand up, trying to forget this tiring and stressful day from his mind, until there was a pain shot through his head. And he stumbled, dropping his backpack to the ground with a thud.
As he fell, both his palms and knees propped his full weight, there was a voice, not the voice from his negative mind nor the voice from his positive mind (which almost never really said anything anyway).
It was similar to his own voice, but somehow he noticed it was from a different person. A voice just like him yet so different. A voice that echoed and pervaded his whole soul. A voice that was loud yet still calm and not hollering, sounding like it knew everything about him but he never recognized a voice like this one. A voice came not from him, but not from outside, emerging from between the both sides.
“You are like me. No wonder, we are the same person after all.” The voice said ominously and Izuku almost squawked in surprise when the headache subsided. It sounded almost amused after hearing that response.
However, after blushing a bit in embarrassment, his emotion changed when he thought about what it said again and noticed there was a slight shakiness in that voice when it started to talk. It was as if it tried to hide another feelings it wanted to bury deeply.
But still, as someone who was always lost inside his mind state and feelings, Izuku would definitely know what those feelings were. Plus, he felt like there was a vague connection suddenly linking his feelings to the voice's as soon as the voice spoke.
Sadness. Guilty. Hurt. Wrecked.
Determination. Repentance. Atonement.
“W-W-Who are you?” After a moment of silence, Izuku finally asked, determined to know who was this stranger talking to him. With a strange method no less. He started to wonder if it was a quirk. He had a lot of questions, but he decided to know this person first, to determine what kind of guy the person behind the voice was.
Strangely, he didn’t feel the nervousness and fear of a stranger suddenly appearing in his head and talking to him. Izuku wondered why so.
The voice laughed a bit, still seeming to find Izuku amusing. “I am you, you are me. Though I am the other you.”
Tilting his head to the side—even though the voice might not be able to see him—he repeated in confusion. “O-Other me?”
The voice answered almost promptly. It seemed like it already knew how to answer that question. Had it been planning this for a long time? But how did he even know him? The voice was just like his, yet Izuku wasn’t able to recognize it at all. “Yes, I am you but in another world, or dimension, or something like that.”
Izuku began to sit down again, trying to make a comfortable position by leaning against the wall near the door to the rooftop. This might be a long conversation. He was calmer when he noticed again the honesty the voice wanted to convey. “T-Then… How are you talking inside my head?”
There was slight pause between them. He didn’t know why it suddenly paused. Did the quirk have limit?
“… I am surprised you believe that. Most people won’t believe there is another dimension, or even another world.” The voice spoke up again, unshaken, though a bit surprised slipped inside it.
Izuku hummed, his body started to relax when there was no hostility in the voice, just slight puzzlement.
To be honest, he also didn’t know why he trusted the person who was claiming to be the other him so quickly. Izuku wasn’t the kind of person to trust easily because he had been despised and betrayed by almost everyone.
However, the person behind the voice, or the other him, sounded like he had gone through bad experiences, just like him, or even worse than what he ever experienced.
He might believe him in an instant perhaps because he was exactly him and he knew he was truly him, because Izuku knew himself and he knew what the other said was the truth. He also could feel what the other felt through the connection he felt from the beginning.
There was no intention to deceive him. Just honesty and atonement.
The moment they were able to talk to each other, they were already connected as one.
“That makes sense,” the other him answered his own question. He guessed he could listen to what he was thinking and read his mind as soon as he infiltrated it. Just like how Izuku understood what the other him was feeling, though Izuku couldn’t read his mind like him. The quirk might have its limit after all. “It is better you believe me sooner. Because I need your help and I don’t have much time. I need to tell you this and what you should do because I am going to disappear any minute now.”
Izuku widened his eyes at the news. “D-Disappear as in…?”
“I am going to disappear, not just from your mind, but my soul will vanish and I am not going to exist anymore.”
There was a silence again between them. Long silence.
Izuku felt dread and lugubrious when he heard about what would happen to the other Izuku. Izuku was dismayed, not only because he would lost a potential friend (even though that friend was his own self) when he had only known him for a very short time, it was also because of how the fervent fear and sadness overflowing from his direction.
Izuku knew those feelings made him miserable. No one wouldn’t be scared if they were about to disappear, not by dying, but by vanishing from the existence itself.
It was the worst of the worst punishment to someone.
This was all unfair.
His tears started to form as Izuku really tried to fully understand and feel his feelings. Izuku was a person full of sympathy and empathy.
Just because this other Izuku was broken and twisted, he didn’t deserve this fate when the only positive feeling inside the voice was only acceptance. Acceptance to what was going to happen to himself because he thought he did deserve it.
What made him like this and what caused his ending, Izuku wanted to know.
He hoped he could fix it.
“You can not fix it.” The other Izuku read his mind, and his voice wavered slightly yet he still tried to be strong (was that the feeling of slightly being touched and happiness that he was feeling? Because of Izuku’s sympathy and empathy? Because Izuku was the only one who cared about him?). “It was decided the moment I used ‘it’ to make this happen. The fault is mine and mine alone.”
Izuku doubted it but he didn’t question it again since he looked like his belief of that wouldn’t waver. “You…” Izuku uttered with hesitant voice, he sniffed and a drop of tears reached his left thigh. His tears hadn’t stopped but the other him never told him to stop crying. Maybe he understood that crying was Izuku's way of expressing his feelings and this was the first time he had cried today. “are going to disappear because you were trying to communicate with me…?”
If Izuku could see him, the other him would shake his head as he said his reply. “I am doing this not only because I am trying to talk to you. I have another reason. This brings me to something else I need help from you.”
Izuku’s tears started to stop and Izuku wiped it with his gakuran’s long sleeve, making it a bit wet. He waited as the other him seemed to want to talk something important, really urgent.
He could feel he was trying to to sort his words, trying to choose the right words to be persuasive. Izuku knew he wanted to convince Izuku to do something and Izuku knew this other Izuku wasn’t good with feelings because his mind and heart was even more broken than Izuku’s.
“Izuku Midoriya. The other me. I have an important question you must answer truthfully. Do you want to be a hero?”
Izuku was startled hearing the question. He was completely off guard.
There was no one who asked him that because they always knew the answer to the question and believed that the answer was the right thing. Nothing could refute it.
He was actually fed up by the same answers he received from everyone. He had asked the question to the number one hero, he had asked his childhood friend, he had asked the the teachers and adults, and even though he never asked his classmates, his classmates told the answer everyday almost as if to remind him of his uselessness. Even his mother, his beloved mother he loved so much, didn’t believe in him.
But Izuku knew the clear answer to the question.
Even though he had been on the verge of almost giving up, deep down he knew he didn’t want to give up his dream.
If there was a chance, even though it was only a little bit of chance, he would take it. It would prove that he could save people, help people, it was his dream and objective of his life. He was devoted to become a hero all his life. He only knew how to live with that and that alone.
He would prove that he could change his destiny and he could be useful to the world. Even if he would have to sacrifice himself.
His energy was renewed again and determination filled his entire being. Izuku steeled his resolve, throwing his negative thoughts away and hiding them at the corner of his mind until they couldn’t bother him anymore, at least temporarily.
“Yes.”
Izuku’s answer was short, concise, and clear. It was just a word but it was filled with power.
Izuku poured out his determination in a word that at first glance was meaningless, but that same word was actually able to determine what was going to happen in someone’s life when they were faced with two choices before taking any action.
It seemed if he could see the the other him right now, he could imagine him smiling softly after hearing Izuku’s answer. He seemed satisfied with it.
“That’s good. We were the same after all. Of course we had the same belief and dream. It is almost nostalgic.”
Izuku frowned at the past tense. ‘Were? Had?’
The other him ignored what Izuku was wondering inside his mind and kept talking, albeit knowing he knew exactly what he was thinking.
“I will make your dream comes true.”
“W-What?” As he wanted to ask again what he meant, he suddenly became sleepy and his eyes started to drop. His body slackened and he began to slide from his leaning position against the wall.
As his eyelids began to close, he could faintly see black smoke surrounding and engulfing him until he could only see black. His mind started to slip into unconsciousness.
And there was a pull.
And he fell and fell and kept falling through the dark.
Until he finally opened his eyes again.