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Maddie Buckley was the last person Eddie had expected to bump into as he left his therapist’s office that Tuesday afternoon. And literally bump into at that. He wavered on the spot, trying to catch his balance. Honestly, she looked just as startled to see him and the two gave each other an awkward half grin. They stood frozen for a moment, Eddie trying to decide whether or not to just tuck tail and run. On closer inspection, Eddie couldn’t help but notice how bloodshot her eyes were, and it was evident that she’d been crying.
To tell the truth, Eddie never really knew where he stood with Maddie. It was strange; he knew that they were probably two of the most important people in Buck’s life, but they never really talked to each other. They didn’t ignore each other or anything. There just always seemed to be a buffer between them. Eddie had nothing but respect for Maddie, the woman who had raised Buck into the wonderful, kind man he was today. He just could never shake the feeling that Maddie didn’t really like him very much, but he didn’t know how much of that was just his own imagination.
“Hey, Maddie, doing ok?” Eddie cringed internally. Could he sound any more lame? Maddie took pity on him and gave him a tired smile.
“Thanks Eddie, I’m fine. Rough session, that’s all.”
Eddie nodded understandingly. He knew what those were like. Today hadn’t been too bad, more focussed on examining which techniques for averting panic attacks were working for Eddie and which weren’t. His therapist, Dr. Ruíz, was a no nonsense Mexican woman in her 50s, who knew just how to give Eddie the same look his Tia Pépa had perfected to call him out on his bullshit. She had been the fourth therapist Eddie had tried. He realized after number two that he struggled too much opening up to a male therapist. His third attempt, Dr. Laura Kelleher, had been alright but they just didn’t click. Eddie was nearly ready to give up when the department shrink, Frank, had contacted him, and referred him to Dr. Ruíz. She was stricter than any drill sergeant Eddie had served under, never letting him get away with deflections. She was honestly just what Eddie needed. Still, the work they were doing was hard, exhausting work and Eddie had left her office with red eyes himself more than once.
Studying Maddie closely, he couldn’t help but notice the faint tremors coursing through her hands, car keys jangling. Her gaze looked a little vacant, like maybe she wasn’t all there in the moment. Eddie wasn’t sure it was a good idea for her to drive anywhere just yet.
“Maybe we should take a minute?” Eddie suggested gently. Her mouth twisted into a frown. “I don’t think your brother would be very happy with me if I just let you get behind the wheel of a car when you’re clearly upset.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.” She snapped uncharacteristically. Eddie raised his hands, palms out non-threateningly.
“Never said that. Nothing wrong with just needing to take a minute.” Eddie sank down on the low stone wall housing the flower bed behind them. There was a playground across the street, complete with accessible slides and swings. Maybe Buck could bring Chris there while Eddie was in a session sometime. Leaning forward and propping his elbows up on his knees, he nodded his head towards the spot next to him, then started studying the concrete sidewalk below him. She’d either sit or she wouldn’t. Eddie couldn’t force her.
He heard her purse land with a thump on the ground and he smiled softly. Tilting his head to the side, he gave her a reassuring grin. Maddie grimaced, eyes watering.
“I’m sorry, you’re right.” She laughed wetly. “I’m a bit of a mess right now.” Eddie rummaged in his back pocket and pulled out a sealed packet of tissues. He proffered it to her. She took it with thanks and began dabbing at her eyes.
“No need to apologize. Therapy sucks sometimes.”
They didn’t say anything more to each other. Barely even looked at each other. They didn’t need to. They simply sat there, and as the minutes ticked by and Maddie’s stuttering breaths evened out, Eddie let himself enjoy the sun warm his face. He absently wondered what Chris and Buck had whipped up for dinner tonight. If Chris cleaned his plate, Eddie might take him to go get some ice-cream after.
And when Maddie awkwardly wrapped an arm around him and whispered a thank you into his ear, Eddie figured that was the end of that. His nice deed for the day and all that.
The second time they bumped into each other after therapy, it was Eddie who was a bit worse for wear. He and Dr. Ruíz had been dissecting Eddie's latest set of nightmares that had crept up on him.
They all followed the same pattern, starting out quite pleasantly; Eddie spread out on the bed, Buck kissing him, touching him just how Eddie liked to be touched. The sheets tangled around their naked bodies. Eddie’s hands would clutch at Buck’s broad shoulders, his legs hooked around his waist. And then Eddie would cast his head back, Buck’s lips kissing up his neck. But when Eddie looks back again, it would still be Buck’s face. But the eyes were wrong. And then Buck’s mouth would open but it wouldn’t be his voice. “ Mine ,” Buck would blend into Damian, who would blend back into Buck and Eddie would open his mouth to scream but he couldn’t, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe -! And then he’d jolt awake, tears on his cheek and a choked cry stuck in his throat. And Buck would be shooting up alongside him, eyes full of concern but the terrified part of Eddie still waking up would see his worried face and whisper “ Is it really Buck, though? ”
So, Eddie had left his appointment with Dr. Ruíz more than a little shaken, cheeks flushed and lower lip bleeding from where he’d buried his teeth into rather than let himself cry. He hadn’t even seen Maddie, only realised she was there when he nearly walked straight into her in his daze. Then it was her turn to steer him towards the stone wall, sit him down and confiscate the keys to his truck until his vision was no longer blurred from the tears he refused to shed.
She hadn’t said a word the entire time. Just sat with him, side by side, until Eddie silently extended a hand for his keys. She’d studied him quietly for a minute before dropping them into his palm, with a simple “Take care of yourself Eddie.”
Eddie didn’t know if he could call the third time a run in when Maddie had clearly been waiting for him. They sized each other up from a distance, caring eyes scanning each other until they both smiled and nodded. Eddie walked her to her car, showed her a picture Buck had taken of Chris reading his current favourite book, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, to a sleepy Jee-Yun taken when Buck had last been babysitting. In return, Maddie had told him the story of when a little Buck, dressed up as a lion for Halloween, had given himself such a fright in the mirror that he’d bawled his eyes out. She promised to scrounge around some childhood albums to find any surviving pictures of Buck to show Eddie.
The fourth time, Eddie bought them an ice-cream from a street vendor set up outside the children’s playground across the street. Maddie had mocked him for his secret sweet tooth, a triple caramel and chocolate scoop. She enjoyed a more simple chocolate chip mint. Buck loved mint chocolate too.
The fifth time, Madde was waiting for him with two Starbucks cups in hand. Her session had finished a little early and Eddie’s had run over by about ten minutes. She handed him one of the cups with a teasing grin; a caramel mocha, with two extra shots of caramel. She’d clearly remembered how much he’d enjoyed his ice-cream last week. It reminded Eddie of something Buck would do, and it warmed his heart to know how good the Buckley siblings were.
Eddie stopped counting after that. He’d leave his appointment and sit in their spot on the wall. Sometimes Maddie beat him there, coffee cups in hand. Other times, Eddie would wait until he could spot her leaving the building and head across the street to order their ice-cream. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they embraced the silence. The steady support of someone knowing that sometimes no words were the best words. And other times, they couldn’t hold the words back.
“I don’t recognise my own body sometimes.”
“It was when he wasn’t hurting me, that scared me most. Knowing that, at any second, he could flip a switch. I loved him and I was scared of him.”
“Chris asked me last night when I would be less sad again.”
“I can’t eat marshmallows. Doug… sometimes he’d make me hot cocoa, to apologize, and he’d always add marshmallows. I was in a Starbucks and they accidently added marshmallows to my drink. I think I terrified the poor barista; just dropped my drink and ran. I haven’t gone back there since, which sucked because it’s the closest one to the dispatch center and I had to go twenty minutes out of my way for my pre-shift coffee.”
“People stare. They think I don’t see them but I do. It’s like a fucking brand, sitting on my throat. Come stare at the freak covered in bite marks.”
“She’s crying and then all I do is cry and that upsets her, and that upsets me and it feels like it shouldn’t have to be this hard.”
“A guy on a call flirted with me last week, and I threw up. Right on top of him, while he was trying to ask for my number. He called me baby and I just couldn’t… Bobby had to apologize, then tell him not to hit on responders just doing their jobs. It was humiliating."
They’d let the words sit in the air. It was a way of venting without any expectations. Not needing to pick apart their emotions but just to feel them and know someone else heard them. Until one day, Eddie found himself asking Maddie a question.
“Do you ever-,” he rolled the coffee cup back and forth between his hands. “Do you ever get angry? With Chim? When he’s being too nice and you nearly wish he would get mad?”
Maddie mulled over her words, trying to answer both the question he’d asked and the question he hadn’t. “Once, Chim and I were arguing, I don’t even remember over what. And he was closing a cabinet door and it slipped from his hand and slammed shut with a bang. And I flinched. And he got really soft and gentle and tried to soothe me and I got angry.” Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Angry at myself mostly. Dumb as it sounds, I wanted to be able to argue with my boyfriend.” She huffed out a laugh. “I felt like it was a cop out. And I was angry that Chim had to stop and switch to comforting me, instead of-”
“Instead of being allowed to feel what he felt?” Eddie finished, a resigned sigh in his voice. Maddie nodded expectantly. “Buck… he’s so caring, you know? He just puts everyone else first, like what he feels doesn’t matter. And yesterday I was being… I guess kind of bratty? I don’t know. It had been a rough night. And he’d try to talk to me, ask me what I wanted to do for dinner, did I want to go for a run, did I want to lie down and I knew I was pissing him off, I just kept saying no to everything and he just kept putting up and that made me madder! Because I was in the wrong and he wouldn’t call me out on it and I felt like he was…” Eddie flushed, embarrassed over his outburst.
“Like he was managing you?” Maddie asked, wry smile on her face. She seemed more amused than anything.
“I just… if anyone else treated him the way I treated him, I’d be furious with them. I am furious with myself.” He could feel his cheeks burning. “I don’t want to be the one who makes him push down how he’s feeling, like it’s not important. Like he’s not important.”
Maddike knocked her knee against his. “Then tell him that,” she says, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. And maybe it was.
After Maddie missed two of their after-session hangouts, Eddie found himself knocking on the door of her and Chim’s apartment. He could hear Jee crying, and he was pretty sure he could hear Maddie too. It cut him deeper than he thought it could, to hear the pain and exhaustion in her voice when she opened the door to greet him.
“Eddie? Wha- is everything alright? You ok?” God, she was definitely Buck’s sister. Eyes puffy, bawling baby squirming in her arms and she wanted to know if Eddie was alright? Eddie didn’t know where the two of them got their kindness from. Actually that was a lie. Buck clearly got it from Maddie; it was where Maddie’s goodness came from that was the mystery. Definitely not the Buckley parents.
He raised the grocery bag in his left hand hand up in lieu of greeting and gestured to come in. Maddie’s brows furrowed as he set the bag down on the counter and started unloading its contents.
“So I got mint chocolate, to be safe, but there’s also some Rocky Road here too, that’s Chris’ favourite. There’s a Peanut Butter Cup, not one of my favourites but figured you might like it, I know Buck does. I could also be persuaded to share a few bites of my Caramel Chew Chew,” Eddie rattled off, stacking the tubs of Ben & Jerry’s. “Really hope you have some room in your freezer.”
“Wh-, how- w- what?” Maddie stuttered. She looked a little shell-shocked, staring at him with wide eyes as she bounced Jee-Yun in her arms.
“I just had therapy.” Eddie shrugged, feeling a little self-conscious. “After therapy, we have ice-cream.” It sounded a little childish to his own ears.
“I’m so sorry Eddie, Jee’s just been teething like mad, and Chim’s adjusting to going back to full-time so I don’t want him to have to get up with her after a long shift-”
“Hey, Maddie, it’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you were doing ok?” He smiled reassuringly, and held a finger out for Jee to play with. Laughing as she tried to bite down on it. “You trying to bite off my finger, huh, sweetheart?” He cooed at her. She hiccuped, trying to catch her breath to stare at him. “Curious little thing, aren’t you?” He flicked his eyes up to Maddie. “Do you- is it ok if I hold her?”
Maddie’s face crumpled and she thrust Jee into Eddie’s arms. Oh no, that’s not what he wanted to do. He juggled for a minute, trying to get a secure grip on a startled and wailing Jee. “Shh, hush, it’s ok, shh,” he soothed, panicking as Maddie slid to the ground. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she buried her head in her arms. Her shoulders heaved as she started to sob. This was not the plan, this was definitely not the plan.
Rocking Jee-Yun awkwardly, she immediately spotted his St. Christopher medallion dangling from his neck and grasped for it, tiny fingers squirming. He snagged her little hand and pressed a kiss to the top of her fist. “Nah, nah, baby girl. That’s not for eating.” He spied a rainbow set of plastic keys sitting on a nearby counter, alongside two teething rings. Grabbing the ice-tray from the freezer, he poured some cubes into a bowl and tossed the keys inside. The teething rings went with the ice right back into the freezer. After a moment of hesitation, the tubs of ice-cream joined them. Sitting the bowl into the fridge, he started to bounce the baby, humming along to a lullaby his Abuela used to sing to him, that he had sung to Chris.
Eddie felt out of his depth, Maddie crying on the floor, Jee bawling in his arms. He felt torn, not sure which way he was supposed to turn. Minutes ticked passed and eventually, Eddie went fuck it, and retrieved the keys from the fridge. They’d do while the teething rings froze. “Ssh, it’s ok, mija, shh,” he proffered the chilled plastic to her. She slipped her slobbering fists out of her mouth and immediately latched onto the keys, sticking them in her mouth and gumming at them. Eddie let out a sigh of relief as her loud wails trailed off. He continued to bounce her for a few moments, comforting her as she settled down.
Now it was time to take care of Maddie.
Clambering down awkwardly, he settled on the floor beside her. He cuddled Jee close to his chest with one hand, then hesitantly placed his other hand on her shoulder. Rubbing small circles into her back, he struggled to think of the right words.
“I just feel like I’m failing her,” Maddie choked out between sobs. Her words were muffled as she hid her head. “She cries and cries and I just don’t know what to do. I just keep screwing up. I should just leave. She’d be better off without me.”
Eddie wasn’t a man of many words. He always felt like he was saying the wrong thing, struggled to make his words convey his meaning. Actions were easier. But Eddie knew he had to find the words that he needed Maddie to hear.
“Every day I screw up with Chris. I make mistakes. There are things I did I wish I hadn’t. But the only mistake that I still regret to this day is when I chose to leave him.” His voice was gentle but firm. “I don’t need Chris to think I’m the perfect dad; in fact, I’m glad he doesn’t think that. I want him to know that sometimes I’ll get it wrong. It’s ok to get things wrong. What I need him to know is that his dad loves him. More than anything else in this world. Just like I know you love Jee.” Maddie rolled her head to the side, still curled up defensively, but now at least looking at Eddie. Tears tumbled down her cheeks and she looked fragile.
“You’ll figure it out as you go. Some things will get easier; and some days you feel like you can’t get anything right.” Eddie sighed deeply, staring at Jee-Yun in his arms, eyes half-closed. She was probably over-tired, exhausted after all the screaming. ”But walking away… even if you think you’re doing it to protect her, you won’t forgive yourself. You’ll carry the weight of that with you for the rest of your life. I do. Shannon did.”
Eddie weighed up his next words and gave a deep sigh. “Chris does.” He confessed. His voice was filled with shame.
Maddie’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
Eddie shrugged, rocking Jee-Yun as she slipped into a doze. He mulled over his next words carefully. “He’s terrified of people leaving. Terrified that he drives people in his life away. Sounds like someone else we know, huh?” He raised an eyebrow. Maddie flinched and Eddie was quick to wave a hand in reassurance. “Whatever between you and Buck, that’s your guys thing. It’s none of my business. But it’s one of the things that make Buck so good for Chris. But, uh, how much did Buck tell you about when Chris was little?”
“Not much,” Maddie admitted. “He just gushes about what an amazing dad you are.”
Eddie barked out a laugh, then winced as Jee stirred. “Shh,” he hushed her, swaying her from side to side. “He’s so determined to just see the best in people. And I definitely wasn’t always a good dad. See, Chris got diagnosed right when I was finishing out what was supposed to be my last tour. But I got home, and… I couldn’t fit back in and Shannon and I didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore.”
He huffed. “Or maybe I didn’t know how to listen to her. And Chris… it terrified me, his CP, and I still hate myself for it.” Maddie’s tears had dried up at least, and she seemed intrigued more than upset. Eddie would take that as a win. “So I reenlisted. And part of it, sure, was about paying the bills and supporting Christoper and Shannon, but part of it was me running.”
“And then I got discharged. And Shannon left. Her mother was sick. I understood, maybe more than Shannon ever realised. Because I understood what it was, to take the excuse to run and hide behind it. Shannon left because she had to. She stayed gone because she was terrified to come home.” Jee-Yun was fast asleep now, snuffling into his chest. She was such an adorable little baby. “And it was Chris who suffered out of all of us. He paid the price for my running, for Shannon’s leaving. And that is my biggest regret with my son. I taught him to be afraid that people wouldn’t stay. And I’ll have to carry that for the rest of my life, but you don’t. ”
Maddie stared at the baby asleep in Eddie’s arms. Her eyes were swollen, cheeks flushed and yet there seemed a new light flickering behind them. If Eddie could do one thing for her, it was to make her understand. “You only fail when you give up. And if I know anything about you Buckleys, you guys don’t know how to give up.”
Chim did one hell of a double take when he came home to Eddie and Jee-Yun dozing on the couch, Jee lying on Eddie’s stomach as he curled one arm protectively over her. Maddie was grinning, the first proper smile he’d seen from her in too long, as she watched over the two of them.
“How much would my brother freak out to see Eddie cuddling a baby?” She teased, her voice lighter. Chim pressed a soft kiss to her lips, feeling tears of joy pricking at his eyes.
“Let’s send him a picture and find out,” he murmured. He never learnt of what Eddie and Maddie had talked about, and he didn’t need to. Maddie’s depression wasn’t magically cured, and there were days where Chim thought his heart was going to break seeing the woman he loved in so much pain. But something did change after that day. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but whatever had happened, it seemed to give Maddie a renewed hope. Like her fire, burned down to an ember, had been relit. And Chim would be forever grateful to Eddie for that.
It wasn’t long before Maddie was able to return that favour to Eddie. Edde had been backsliding. He and Chris had finally settled in a new three-bed, housed in a gated community not far from Buck’s loft; Michael knew a guy, got him a good deal on the place and Chimney had installed a state-of-the-art security system. Christopher was thrilled by the move. He had loved living with Buck but at the same time, he was growing up and he needed his own space back, not boxes piled in Buck’s living room. Their family all pitched in to get the two of them settled.
And it had been going great. Until it wasn’t.
Christopher had been understandably clingy to Eddie since the attack. He didn’t know the details, but he did know that his dad had been hurt in their old home. He had barely left Eddie’s side the entire week after Eddie was discharged, even pretending to be sick to stay home from school. It had taken time, and several sessions with his child psychologist, for Christopher to feel comfortable leaving Eddie for any extended periods of time.
Buck had tried to basically move in and while Eddie would have loved nothing more, he needed to prove to himself that he didn’t have to live in fear. So Buck was limited to no more than two sleepovers a week, three if Eddie was having a particularly tough week. Buck had two months left on his lease, which he was renewing over Eddie's dead body; Eddie would be packing up the loft by himself if he had to and bringing Buck home. But Eddie needed this first.
So Christopher was off, on his first sleepover since the attack. And since Eddie was on still on reduced hours, the rest of the 118 were working without him. Buck was texting him every half hour, pretending that he just thought that Eddie would be fascinated by this article about ancient Irish burial tombs that predated the pyramids (Eddie actually found it quite interesting, bookmarking the video of the Passage Tomb at Newgrange being illuminated at the Winter Solstice to show Christopher). And Eddie was fine. Sure, he had to climb out of bed twice to triple-check that all the doors and windows were locked. Stopping outside Chris’ door just to remember that, no, he was at his friend’s house, and probably having the time of his life. And so what if he’d blink awake at the cusp of sleep, snatching his phone and confirming he’d set the security alarm? Buck’s text telling him they were responding to a four alarm fire and that he’d be away from his phone for a few hours, wasn’t a big deal. He was fine.
That had been Eddie’s first truly bad night in the new house, but it wouldn’t be his last. The very next night, he’d kissed Christopher good night, climbed into his own bed, all set to have an early night to catch up on some missed sleep and… he couldn’t. Couldn’t stop the crawling sensation under his skin. Telling him he wasn’t safe, that Chris wasn’t safe. The weight of his duvet felt like it was crushing him. Every shadow in the room seemed to be ominous, like they were hiding something from him. Eddie wanted to get up, pretend that he just needed a glass of water, but it felt like he had been glued to the bed. He just lay there, tears silently slipping down his face. He wanted out, he wanted to just get up, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t move, he could barely breathe. Only when morning had finally crept up to banish the night, when he could hear the faint tap of Chris’ crutches in the room next to his, did this unnameable force release it’s hold on Eddie and let him flee his bed.
And so it continued. Night after night, once Eddie clambered into bed, his brain would just click into overdrive. Every creak was a threat, every shadow hiding danger. Yet his body would seize up, pinning him to his bed, trapping him in his terror. It was a vicious cycle. His exhausted brain would eventually be forced to doze off. Only for him to jolt awake, the remnants of a nightmare feeling so real in his tiredness.
He knew that Buck was worried about him. Well, scratch that, Buck was always worried about him. Eddie knew he was worried more so than usual. Eddie couldn’t even blame him; the bags under his eyes that greeted him in the mirror every morning reminded him how awful he looked. But Eddie just couldn’t force himself to open up to him about it. Even in his sessions with Dr. Ruíz, he struggled to put into words exactly what his sleepless nights entailed. It felt like Eddie was failing; this house was supposed to be a fresh start. He was supposed to be getting better. So why was every day more exhausting than the one before?
Resigned to his fate from the moment he glanced throught the peephole, Eddie swung the door open and waved Maddie in with an eye roll. There was no point arguing with a determined Buckley. Maddie let the grocery bag in her hand dangle from two fingers. “Kitchen?” She asked. Eddie pointed wordlessly down the hallway, where the space opened up into a bright sunny open plan kitchen/diner.
“You skipped therapy today.” Maddie’s tone was disapproving, as she lowered the bag to the counter. “So I’m not sure you earned this.” She pulled out a tub of Ben & Jerry’s caramel ice-cream. “But I could be persuaded to let it slide if you tell me where the spoons are.” She continued to stack more tubs on the counter.
“I thought I was the one who picked up the post-therapy ice-cream.” Eddie said, rolling his eyes. He reached past her to tug the cutlery drawer open. Plucking out two dessert spoons, he eyed the ever-growing stack of frozen goodness.
“Well, seeing as you didn’t actually go to therapy, we haven’t broken tradition.” Maddie pointed out. She really wasn’t letting that go. “Now, you mentioned Christopher likes Rocky Road, so that one is for him. I figured Buck could have the Phish Food one, he’s not fussy.” She slid the freezer door shut, leaving only Eddie’s caramel and her own mint chocolate ice-cream at the island. Eddie sighed, and plopped his ass down at the kitchen table. Yanking the lid off his tub, he kicked another chair out, waving his spoon at Maddie.
“Have a seat.” He invited her.
Maddie dropped down, and the two sat in silence for a minute. Eddie enjoyed a couple of bites of his ice-cream, letting the sweet caramel sit on his tongue. Swallowing it, he huffed. “I couldn’t go to therapy today. I couldn’t sit in a room while the doc stared at me not able to- I don’t know. I can’t explain it. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.”
“Well, you’re not sleeping. That’s obvious.” Wow Maddie, don’t tiptoe around the subject or anything. The kid gloves were off.
Eddie sighed and dropped his gaze. “You know, I had some pretty bad nightmares when I was sleeping at Buck’s. Tossing and turning, waking in a cold sweat, horrible images playing in my mind, the whole shebang. And I didn’t expect to just be, I don’t know, cured, the minute I got my own place but they had been getting better. Less frequent, or less vivid.”
“And now they’ve gotten worse again?” Maddie’s tone was understanding, which grated on Eddie’s nerves.
“I wish they’d gotten worse!” He snapped. “At least that would mean I could fall asleep. But I can’t. All I do is lie awake. Night after night. And my mind is racing but my body won’t move and then I…” Eddie scrubbed his hands through his hair in frustration.
“I still remember the day I first met you. Do you?” Maddie asked, seemingly out of nowhere. Eddie frowned, confused by the non-sequitur.
“I helped Buck move some furniture in for you, didn’t I?”
“Thank you again for that,” Maddie nodded. “But, that apartment. It was the first place I had lived in on my own. At least until my brother moved in a few months later. And then, well, you remember why I moved out.” Eddie sure as hell did. Remembers helping load up the moving truck and trying very hard not to stare at the place where he knew Chimney had been stabbed.
“I’d gone straight from living with my parents, to living with Doug. Then I was staying with Evan, in his invisible girlfriend’s apartment.” Eddie and Maddie shared a frankly bitchly look. Neither of them were Abby’s biggest fans. “That apartment was the first place that was mine . And that first night, I spent the entire night, lying awake. Constantly checking that all the windows and doors were locked. Freaking out until I realized that the weird sound was just my fridge humming.” She let out a gentle chuckle, drawing a grin to Eddie’s face.
“But I grew to love that place. And then, when Doug… it was just another thing he had ruined for me.” Her smile dimmed. “And my next place- I don’t think I let myself love it. It was nice. And I got used to it. Even though Doug was dead, I couldn’t make myself feel at home.”
“I do love this house though,” Eddie insisted. “Love this kitchen, even though Buck insists it’s actually his . And the backyard is huge. Chris has plans for a treehouse and a swing set and a herb garden. And his room is fantastic, he even has a wet room, so he feel’s all grown up. I just-” He shrugged, not really sure how to word what he was feeling.
“Keep waiting for the other foot to drop?” Maddie hazarded a guess. Eddie grimaced.
“A little? Maybe?” Eddie sighed. “I loved our last home too. And by the end of it, I could barely walk in the door. And it’s not just the house. I see reminders in everything I own. I can’t just toss out all my clothes, furniture, everything. So that doesn’t help me when I’m trying to forget.”
Maddie tapped her spoon thoughtfully against the rim of her ice-cream tub. “Our home now, it wasn’t just the stuff that made it home. It was Chim. And Jee. And Albert I suppose,” she laughed. “I know for a fact if you told Buck the truth, that you were struggling to sleep, he’d be there in a flash. Lean on the people who love you Eddie.”
“I just… I should be able to deal with this on my own.” Eddie sighed.
“Why?” Maddie asked, genuine curiosity lacing her voice. “When I was struggling, you helped me out. You didn’t tell me I needed to deal with being a mom on my own.” Eddie opened his mouth to protest but she kept going. “You were there for Chim too. And I know how much Buck relies on you. So why can’t you lean on them in return?”
Eddie rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. “I… look, I understand it, like at an intellectual level. But it’s harder to feel it. I know that Buck’s worried, I just don’t want to put any more on his plate. Which is dumb-” he added, seeing Maddie’s mouth open. “I know, it’s dumb. It’s just how I feel.”
Maddie nodded understandingly. She laced her hand through his, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Ok,” she conceded, a warm smile on her face. Eddie forced a small smile in return. “But back to this not-sleeping thing. Have you tried sleeping tablets or anything?”
Eddie made a face. “My doctor prescribed me some but I don’t really want to take them, in case Christopher needs me in the night. The other night, he was staying at my Abuela’s and I took some.” He bit his lip. “I hated that feeling when I was drowsy but still awake, but not really able to do anything. Felt awful the next morning, which I know is because I’m not sleeping but still.” He shrugged.
“Is it the bed?” Maddie asked. He furrowed his brow in confusion. “Are you able to sleep on the couch?” Eddie hesitated.
“I hadn’t even thought of that.” He admitted. “It couldn’t hurt to try. But the bed hadn’t been a problem at Buck’s house, or even when I first moved in.”
“What is it my therapist says?” Maddie hummed. “ Trauma isn’t linear . We can think that certain things are safe until suddenly they aren’t.”
“Well, trauma can fuck off,” Eddie said bluntly. “I paid a fortune for that mattress because of your brother’s nagging so I damn well want to be able to sleep on it.”
Maddie giggled. “You could have told him no. It’s your mattress.”
Rolling his eyes, Eddie scoffed. “You ever try telling Buck no, especially after he ropes in Chris and the two of them are giving you the saddest puppy dog eyes. Plus, if I didn’t buy it, he would have just bought it for me.”
“That’s Buck for you,” Maddie smiled. “He just wants the people he loves to be happy.” Eddie ducked his head. Hearing Maddie refer to him as someone Buck loved warmed his heart. He tried a few more bites of his quickly melting ice-cream. He and Maddie sat in companionable silence.
After maybe half an hour, Maddie stood, tidied up her empty tub of ice-cream and wrapped Eddie in a warm hug. He buried his face in her hair and let himself be thankful for the wonderful people in his life. Her embrace was that of a mother’s; warm, caring and safe . It was exactly what Eddie needed. Maddie was exactly what Eddie had needed.
Some nights the couch trick worked, some it didn’t. But at least Eddie was starting to get semi-regular sleep and the bags under his eyes began to fade. He began working his way back into his bed and the first full night’s rest he got back in his own room felt like a victory. He could see the worry melting away from Buck’s own gaze, and Eddie let himself bask in the small wins. It was incredible the difference frequent sleep made. He could feel himself starting to breathe again. Every day stopped feeling like a drag, with bedtime waiting for him as a punishment.
Maddie hadn’t cured Eddie, but she had helped him figure out how to help himself. And whenever Eddie would feel like a burden, like he had to hide away his pain, her words were a gentle reminder that people loved him and wanted to help him. His pain was only hurting them when he tried to hide it from them. Maddie had a strength to her that Eddie would forever admire and be grateful for. It taught him that look at his suffering in a new light. Not that other people had it worse, so he should suck it up and move on. But that he could heal, and that it was ok to have those bad days, but that he wouldn’t always have them.
It wasn’t the last little conversation Maddie and Eddie would share. There would always be things that were just easier to say to one another, rather than try to explain to someone else. But their conversations didn’t always just have to be about their pain. Eddie adored the stories Maddie shared about Buck growing up, her experiences as a nurse, funny tales now that she was back working dispatch. In turn, he told her about his own sisters, growing up in El Paso, meeting Shannon. They swapped parenting nightmares; Jee knocking Maddie’s phone into a sink of boiling water makes Eddie tear up with laughter, sharing the time Christopher decided to flush Eddie’s phone, keys and wallet to stop him going to work.
And when Eddie asked for Maddie’s blessing to propose, happy tears pouring down both their faces, Eddie found himself confessing a long-forgotten truth.
“I always kinda thought you hated me.” Eddie swiped at his cheeks awash with tears.
Maddie choked out a laugh. “You scared me. All I could see was how much Buck loved this family you two had made for yourselves. And if you met someone else and Buck was left behind… I didn’t want to think of what that would do to him.”
“I don’t think I know how to.” Eddie confessed. “He’s a part of me that I don’t know how to live without.”
“My brother… all Evan has wanted is to be wanted. He knows that there are people who love him. Knows I love him, Chim, Bobby, Chris, you . But he wants is for the people who love him to stay. And now you’re going to give him that.” Maddie pressed a kiss to his forehead. “And there’s no one else in this world that I could ever trust with my brother as much as you.”
“Thank you, Maddie,” Eddie gasped, wrapping her in a tight hug. Maddie squeezed him back tight, then slapped him on his shoulder gently.
“Now show me the ring!”
(And when Buck proposed to him only days later, Maddie’s unsurprised grin teasing him, Eddie just had to shake his head. Buckleys huh? What would you do without them?)