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Stede is too soft.
Not that sort of soft. Ed loves his pretty tummy, his strong thighs, his beautiful arms.
No, Stede is too kind.
He’s too gentle. Too happy. Too smart, too beautiful, too good.
Too good.
Too good for Ed.
“Ed?”
The voice is too soft. It's full of concern, and Ed wants to cringe away from it.
There’s the rustle of blankets, then a warm body is pressed against his back. It's a welcome change to the chill night air- or at least, it should be.
You don't deserve it.
Stede presses a gentle (of course its fucking gentle) kiss to his exposed shoulder and Ed shivers, feeling the contrast of Stedes hot lips on his cold skin.
“Come to bed love.” Stede says softly.
When Ed doesn’t respond, Stede sits down on the barrel next to Eds, wrapping his blanket around them both. Stedes warm hand finds his, and Ed can't help but lean into him.
His mind berates him for it, for taking something so pure, and for needing it. But the soft murmur of Stedes voice pushes those thoughts away for a few moments.
“I never realized how many stars there were.” The hand in his tightens a little. “I remember going out one night as a boy, wanting to count them all. My father found me, and made me go to bed. He said stars were for girls.”
Stede looked up, craning his neck to look at the many little lights in the sky. His barrel was lower than Eds, and he could see the stars reflected in those beautiful eyes.
“Now I can read the stars. Isn’t that something? Before, when I saw them, they were just beautiful. Something pretty to be admired. Now they’re a tool. But they’re still beautiful.”
Stede turns to smile at him.
“This is how I talk at 2 o'clock in the morning, I'm afraid.”
Ed can't help but smile a little in return.
“Come to bed Edward, please?”
What kind of man would Ed be if he refused someone like Stede?
The cabin was much warmer than the open night air, and Stede pulled him into it gently, closing the door behind them.
Stede tugs him over to the bed, then lays Ed down on it, fussing over him. Ed sits up, but Stede just makes a small, sad sound and crawls into bed next to him.
His body is warm, and Ed begins to realize how cold he was out there. He can't help but lean into Stedes touch as the other man's (smooth, warm) hands move across his body, bringing heat and comfort wherever they touch.
Eventually Stede leans over and presses a gentle kiss to Ed's lips.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he whispers into the dark.
Ed shakes his head, and Stede pulls him close, holding him and keeping him safe.
He doesn’t deserve this.
~ ~ ~
“I’m sorry.” Ed thinks he might cry. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
One hand keeps running across the smooth fabric of the sheets while the other frantically tries to scrub the stain away. Ed knows it won't come out and that just makes him scrub harder.
“Ed it's alright.”
Ed is shaking his head and frantically trying to scrub the stain out.
He always ruins pretty things, he was never meant to have those things, and now he's here, being selfish and messy and ruining Stedes nice bedding.
“They’re just sheets Edward.”
Ed doesn’t even notice he's shaking a little. He's just so angry with himself.
Angry because he's imposing himself on Stede (still). Angry because Stede is being too fucking nice to someone like him. Angry because Stede always knows what to say, is always trying to be good to him, and he doesn’t deserve that. He doesn’t fucking deserve th-
His hands are stopped by a softer pair, and Stede turns Ed to face him.
“Look at me sweetheart.”
His voice is too soft. Too fucking soft. So is his hand under Ed's chin, moving his head gently upwards.
“I’m not mad Ed. It’s alright, it was an accident.”
He should be mad, Ed thinks.
He shouldn’t let someone like Ed even touch him, let alone drink brandy in his bed like a fucking-
Stede kisses him.
It’s too gentle, and Ed lets out a broken little sound as warm hands pull him close.
It’s all too gentle.
He doesn’t deserve this.
“I love you.” Stede murmurs, their eyes locked together.
And he definitely, most certainly doesn't deserve that.
~ ~ ~
Stede is catching onto him.
Of course he is. Stede is a clever guy, he catches onto most things.
Ed just wishes he hadn’t caught on to this.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asks, taking the rope from Ed's hands.
“Fine.” Ed says, letting the rope go begrudgingly.
“That's the third time you let it slip Ed.” His voice doesn’t sound angry (Ed won't look at him) but he still says,
“I’m sorry.”
The main sail is finally in the correct position and Stede ties it off before turning back to Ed.
“Come on.”
He turns, and Ed follows, because what else is he supposed to do?
Stede sits him down and takes a rag from a small pail of water. He cleans the rope burns there, big hands delicate and gentle. Always gentle.
He wraps Ed's hands, then kisses them softly.
“I was thinking,” he says as he squeezes the cloth out and hangs it over the edge of the tub to dry. “We should have a vacation. I sort of had one with the crew before, but it didn’t turn out too well. Perhaps we should give it another go.”
He looks so happy when he says it, and Ed has to smile. Stede is such a wonderfully unpredictable person.
“Okay.” he says, smiling wider when Stedes face breaks out into a grin.
“Okay.” he repeats. “We should stock up on supplies beforehand, then find a nice, actually deserted island to anchor off of. Perhaps we should get extra food and drinks? Have some sort of party? I’m sure Wee John would love to have a bonfire on the beach. Although I’d have to supervise.”
Stede goes on about his plans for the vacation, and Ed listens.
This man deserves everything.
So why is he settling for Ed?
~ ~ ~
Stede steps onto the dock looking prettier than any peacock.
“Right, we all have tasks to do, and you each have some money for yourselves as well. Be back by sunset with what’s on your list.” he says, and the crew all nod before disbursing among the crowd.
“There are some things I need to attend to Edward, so I’ll see you tonight?”
Ed is a little disappointed, but he doesn’t have the right to be. So he keeps it to himself.
“Yeah, sounds good. I gotta grab somethin anyway.” he looks around, spotting Lucuius, then turns back to Stede. “See you tonight.”
Ed moves to go, but Stede pulls him back and kisses him.
Right there.
In front of everyone on the dock, everyone on the warf and everyone in the fucking world.
“I love you.” he says softly.
“Love you too.”
Then Ed is gone, dashing after Lucius.
Stede watches him go, a little unsure, but unable to figure out why.
~ ~ ~
“I thought you couldn’t read.”
“Exactly, that's why I need you.”
Lucius looks at the sign, then at Ed. The pirate doesn’t miss the look he's thrown as Lucius turns and walks into the shop.
~ ~ ~
About seven hours later, the crew is back aboard the Revenge and sailing away from the port.
They surprisingly didn’t cause much trouble, (mostly thanks to Olu) and had gotten almost everything they wanted for their second vacation.
Buttons was at the helm, directing their course towards a little island the cartographer had assured Stede was completely uninhabited.
Ed was oblivious to most of this.
He had been pacing in Stedes quarters for the better part of the afternoon, unable to keep still.
He felt so stupid. Its not a big fucking deal, its not even a medium fucking deal. It’s ridiculous that he can't relax, but there's nothing he can do about it, so here Ed remains. Pacing back and forth like a caged animal.
When Stede comes in, still dressed in that beautiful turquoise outfit, Ed stops, watching him carefully.
“Hello Ed.” Stede says, setting the bag he was carrying down on the desk as he moves into the room. “I hope your mysterious endeavor was successful!” He makes a little gesture at the word ‘mysterious’ and Ed can’t help but smile.
“Uh, it was, I think.” Ed says, coming forward to meet Stede by the desk.
Before he can speak again, Stede is kissing him, one hand on the side of his face.
“I missed you.”
This makes Ed melt a little. They had only been apart about seven hours, but here Stede was, missing him of all people.
“I have something for you.” Ed says, before he can dwell on those feelings any longer.
His hands come out from behind his back, and he holds the three gifts out to Stede.
The other man's eyes drop to them, and his gaze softens. Ed thinks his knees might give out when that look shifts from the books in his hands, to him.
“Oh Edward.”
Stede is so obviously delighted that Ed can't help but smile.
The books are carefully removed from his hands, the ribbon around them untied and their brand new covers examined.
“Pirates, a comprehensive history.” Stede reads, as he sets the first book aside. “Gulliver's travels.” he looks up at Ed. “One of my favorites.” His eyes drift to the third, and largest book.
His hands open the front cover, his eyebrows furrowing a little.
“It's empty.” he murmurs in confusion.
“It’s a new journal.” Ed explains. “I thought you might like another one.”
Ed is startled when Stede makes a soft sound. He looks up and hardly has time to process the tears in the eyes he finds before he's being pulled close and kissed.
“You’re so thoughtful.” Stede murmurs between several soft kisses. “So kind. So good to me.”
Ed can’t take that, but he can’t move away, so he just kisses Stede, pulling him close and desperately wishing the other man's words were true.
~ ~ ~
The beach is nice, Ed has to admit.
While he’s never been a sand sort of person, the blanket he’s resting on (and that Stede is ruining for him, his unhelpful mind supplies) is soft and comfortable.
Stede is lying next to him on his stomach, reading aloud and holding Ed's hand.
The sun is warm on his bare face, and the crew are elsewhere, presumably still chasing the strange bird they saw earlier in the day.
Stede pauses in his reading of Gulliver's travels, putting his marker in place and setting the book to once side.
“How are you my dear?” he asks, kissing Ed's hand gently.
“M good.” Ed says, turning to face Stede. The other man is frowning, and Ed is kicking himself. This is vacation, Stede is supposed to be relaxing, not fussing over him. “Promise.” he tries, but Stedes expression doesn't change.
“Well, I had a thought.” he says, moving to lay closer to Ed. “I’d like to try something
They’re both in thin shirts and pants, and Ed can feel Stedes warmpth like a fucking forge.
“Alright.” Ed says, his eyes finding Stedes.
The other pair shift around as Stede sits up, scanning the treeline. Ed isn't really sure what he’s looking for. The island really is deserted, and the crew are on the other side of the island near the ship.
Stede sits up all the way and opens his legs, shifting ed so he is sitting up in Stedes lap, his back pressed against the other man's chest.
“Let me know if it gets to be too much.” Stede murmurs.
Oh.
Oh.
One arm comes around Ed's middle, the hand splaying across his chest, the other hand holds his stomach.
“Have I ever told you that you’re beautiful?” Ed tenses a little, but doesn’t say anything so Stede continues. “Everything about you Ed. I feel like I'm addicted to it. To you.”
Ed whines as the lower hand rucks up his shirt to feel his stomach.
“You’re so thoughtful Edward. Buying me those books. The journal. You’re so clever.” The hand rubs gently as a pair of lips press into the side of Ed's neck.
Ed wants to scramble away, but at the same time, he doesn’t.
He knows he doesn’t deserve this man, or these words. But they wash over him like a summer rain and he can't push them away.
Stedes hand drifts below his waistline and with a shock, Ed realizes he's getting hard.
He hasn't even been fucking touched yet. Pathetic.
“You’re so good to me.” Stede continues, the wandering hand moving on top of the fabric of Eds pants. “Trying to protect me with your confession. Signing on with me. You’re so incredible.” Ed whines high and long as Stedes hand begins to palm his dick through the soft fabric. (That explains why Stede had him wear these soft pants today.) “You’ve always been good to me. Protected me.”
The hand stills for a moment and Ed grunts, trying to shift his hips into it.
“Alright love?’ Stede asks.
“Yes- fuck Stede please.”
The voice that's calling him pathetic doesn't even really get a chance to do any damage.
“Look at you, so pretty all spread out for me.” The hand is moving again, faster now. The hand that had been resting on his chest slips into his shirt and rests over Ed's heart. “You’re so good for me Edward, so polite. That's it. Just let go, I want to see you.”
Eds hips buck up a few times. He’s close. He’s embarrassingly, ridiculously close.
Hes skirting the edge when Stede kisses his neck and murmurs,
“That's it. Be a good boy for me Edward. Just let go.”
Ed shakes apart, tears running down his face as his cock spurts and pulses in his pants. His mind goes white as Stede continues to stroke him over the soft fabric and Ed arches his back, letting out a sound he can be embarrassed about later.
When he surfaces, Stede is cleaning him up with a small piece of more soft fabric.
“Hello.” he says, letting the scrap of cloth fall to the ground.
Ed is laying with his head in Stedes lap, a few tears still drying on his face.
“Are you alright?” Stede asks, one of his hands finding Ed's hair.
“M fuckin fantastic.” Ed admits. “A little embarrassed, but that was…”
Stede smiles, stroking the strands under his fingers.
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about my love. That was the most exquisite thing I’ve ever seen.”
Ed flushes from his ears to his collarbone and Stede smiles down at him.
“Whadya say we retire to the ship for the day hm?” Stede asks, pulling a strand of hair away from Ed's face.
“I think I’d like that.”
~ ~ ~
Ed is pressed up against the door, Stedes hot, insistent mouth on his own.
This he can work with, Ed thinks. When it's like this, he can pretend he deserves it. He can try and earn it.
Stede is already stripping him of his shirt and Ed does the same for Stede, immediately pinching a nipple and grinning as Stede breaks the kiss to let out a small whine.
“Bed?” he asks, and Ed nods, stripping his pants as he goes and tossing the oil to Stede.
Ed is about to fall back onto the bed when he sees Stede looking down at the oil, unmoving.
His heart sinks a little.
Has Stede finally decided he doesn't want this anymore? Has he finally realized there are so many other people, prettier, smarter, better people to be in his bed?
“I want to try something else.” he says softly.
He’s unsure. It's in every line of his body, and Ed moves closer to him.
“Alright,” he murmurs, letting one hand find Stedes beautiful face. “What were you thinking?”
Stedes eyes come up to meet his, and there's a second and a half of hesitation before-
“Will you fuck me?”
The world seems to tilt a little.
Someone should look into that, Ed thinks. Tilting worlds probably aren't a good thing.
The words Stede said catch up to Ed's brain and immediately send it into overdrive.
He can’t.
He can’t do that.
He’ll hurt Stede. He’s sure he will.
He’s not gentle enough, not patient like Stede is with him.
He ruins soft things. Good things.
And he can't let Stede be one of those ruined things. Not again.
“Hey.”
Stedes voice cuts through the thoughts for a moment.
There are hands on him, gentle, strong hands.
There are words of apology, of reassurance, but Ed doesn’t really process them.
He can’t.
He isn’t meant to be here.
He should be rotting in hell.
Something soft wraps around him, but he fights it. He can’t have it. He shouldn’t.
The hands are persistent however, and once he’s encased in things he shouldn't be allowed to touch, he's (gently) manhandled somewhere. He’s not sure where and it doesn’t matter. The cushions are too soft.
Ed slides to the floor.
Some part of him registers Stede sitting next to him, and everything about that is wrong.
Stede shouldn’t be sitting on the floor. He should be comfortable. Not inconvenienced because Ed can't pull his shit together.
Since he can't put the words together to say that, Ed says nothing.
He’s not sure how long he’s silent, nor when he started crying. He just accepts it.
He wonders if Stede will finally toss him out after this. Realize what a horrible mess he is and cast him overboard like dinner scraps.
It would be only fitting.
Ed still secretly hopes it won’t happen.
The first thing he really registers is a sound.
Ed looks over at Stede, who's sitting a foot or so away from him.
He’s crying.
He’s trying to keep it quiet, but Stede can't seem to help the sniffles.
That's what breaks Ed.
“I’m sorry.” he manages, feeling like the words were torn from him.
“Ed? Oh sweetheart-”
Edward screws his eyes shut.
“No. I-” he takes a ragged breath, and it feels as though he hasn't inhaled in a long time. “I’m sorry. I can’t be him.”
“What?”
“I can’t be good Stede.” Ed gasps, letting himself cry. “I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve your kind words or your gentle touches. I don’t deserve to be here, with you.” Another gasp for air. “But I am, and I’m fucking it up. I always fuck it up, and I can’t do that to you Stede.”
Ed's tear filled eyes meet Stedes for a moment, but they can't take the expression they find there, so they drop to the floor.
“I don’t deserve this but I’m here anyway, and I can’t even begin to earn it because I’m bad. I don’t deserve your love, or your trust, your kindness, or your gentleness. But I take it anyway.”
Ed takes a few breaths, then looks up to meet Stedes eyes.
“You deserve better than this. Better than me.”
Unable to take another moment of this, Ed curls in on himself and lets the tears flow.
It's harder to get those ragged gasps of air in like this, but at least Stede can't see his face.
He curls tighter when he feels the hand on him, unsure of what to expect.
But as always, Stede is gentle.
The hand rubs slowly across his back, its presence warm and comforting. Even in the waves of regret Ed is sailing on.
Edds ass and legs are asleep by the time he gains the courage to raise his head.
Stede is sitting next to him, still rubbing his back gently. There are still tear tracks on his face, but he doesn’t look startled anymore. Only sad.
But Stede doesn’t say anything. He just keeps rubbing Eds back slowly. Gently.
They sit there for probably far too long. Silent and sad.
Eventually Ed gains a little more courage and looks around.
The light is telling him he's been sitting on the floor for about two hours. So do his arse and thighs, which are completely asleep.
He can’t be bothered though, because the sight of Stede next to him makes him want to start crying again.
His beautiful eyes are red. His hair is askew, probably from Ed's own hands, and he's wrapped in the yellow dressing gown Ed hid under in the tub all those months ago.
He looks perfect.
“Ed.”
His voice.
It's gentle.
“I can’t pretend to know your past. Not all of it. But I do know who you’ve become.”
Stede turns to face him now, his hand still on Ed's back.
“I’ve seen the things you’ve done since we’ve met. I’ve fallen in love with you.” Stedes eyes get shiny again. “I wish I could show you how much I love you. How much I love having you here.”
His voice is strained with the tears now.
“And I promise you, I’ll try, each and every day, to show you those things.” Stede moves a little closer. “But Edward, you deserve good things.”
He’s crying, and Ed is trying his best not to as well. But the sight of Stede looking so broken hearted sends him over the edge.
“You deserve kindness, and joy, happiness and hope. You deserve to feel good. You deserve second helpings of desert, and fine clothes that feel good on your skin. You deserve second chances, and new beginnings.”
Stede reaches out, and places his hand on top of Eds.
“I’d be dead without you Edward.” he murmurs. “Several times over.”
Slowly, Stede leans in and presses their foreheads together.
“You deserve to be happy. And you deserve to be loved.” The hand squeezes gently. “And if I’m the one lucky enough to do the loving, then I’m going to do it with all I have. Because you deserve that.”
The dam breaks.
Ed is scooped into Stedes arms and they hold each other, the tears flowing freely.
“I’m sorry.” Ed gasps.
“Oh my dearest love,” Stede says, stroking his hair. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
~
Eventually they make it to the couch. The bed is much too far.
Ed clings to Stede like a lifeline in a gail, the tears flowing for a while before finally coming to a stop.
His heart is still heavy. But Stede is here. Stede is holding him.
Stede thinks he's worthy of love.
And if Stede can think that, well… maybe he can let himself be loved.
~ ~ ~
Stedes face hurts.
It feels like he's been smiling for days.
And maybe he has been.
Ed is well and truly drunk, dancing to the upbeat tune Frenchie is playing. Olu joined him a few minutes back and now they’re dancing together, drunk and laughing and tripping over each other.
Stede has had some rum too, though he’s not nearly as far gone as Ed is. Still, he's grinning from ear to ear, watching Ed as he trips and nearly goes over the side.
“They’re something, aren’t they?”
Stede turns to face Jim, who’s appeared next to him with one of the good bottles of rum.
They hold it out to him, and Stede takes it, drinking a few mouthfuls before handing it back.
“They really are.” Stede agrees. “You and Oluwande…”
“Yeah.” Their tone is casual, but their eyes give them away. They look besotted, and Stede wonders if that's how he looks when he smiles at Ed.
Before he can make a remark that would probably get him a knife in the gut, Stede is tugged to his feet by a pair of warm, rough hands.
“Dance with me Stede!” Ed says, dropping his empty bottle in favor of pulling Stede close to him.
Stede can't help but laugh, and Ed smiles, kissing him, then spinning him in a circle.
They dance until Stede feels like he's flying.
Soon he’s tired, and a little dizzy. Ed spins him and they both move backwards, various crew members pushing them back together.
Stede holds Ed close and kisses him, licking the rum from his lips and chasing every bit of warmth he finds.
The crew laugh, they catcall and wolf whistle. But Stede doesn’t care.
For the first time in a long time, Ed looks happy. Really happy.
“I love you.”
It startles him a little at first.
Ed’s rough voice in his ear isn’t something he expected. He never says that first.
But here he is, grinning like an idiot, pulling Stede impossibly closer with his beautiful eyes.
“I love you too Ed.”
The kiss is gentle when it hits Stedes lips.