Chapter Text
Your name is Eiden and you are 10 years old when you get into your first fight.
There is blood running down your face from a cut above your brow and it stings painfully from the sweat that wells upon your skin. It hurts. It hurts more than you ever have thought it would. But the soft crunch beneath your knuckles as you punch the boy in front of you makes the pain slip from your shoulders as it is replaced with a sickening type of thrill.
He wails and falls away from you, clutching his broken nose as blood spurts between his fingers.
It is a sight that brings you glee.
You stand above him, towering over his cowering form in a way that makes you seem strong. In that moment you are invincible. Untouchable. Unbreakable. It is an exhilarating experience.
But not because of the adrenaline that flows through your veins or the tiny crowd that has formed around you, watching as you shake your numb fist in pain.
Instead the high comes from the kid you saved as he gives you a tearful thank you, down on his knees and bowing in a show of respect you have never felt before.
You do not have time to savor the warmth that fills your chest before you’re dragged away by the head caretaker of the orphanage and punished severely for your actions. However, the lack of a meal– hunger pains were something common in those days –and the rice grains digging into the soft skin of your knees are not enough to drive away that feeling. The sense of pride and warmth that comes from knowing you saved someone. From being needed .
It is one that you will never forget.
You do not remember a time before the orphanage.
You do not remember your parents.
You think you must have been born here, that you must have been created from the rickety floorboards and the tired lines of the caretaker's faces. Your home is a tatami mat on old wooden floors. All of your possessions fit in a small box tucked away in the corner. Your friends are the cracks in the walls.
You are lonely.
Yet it is all you have ever known.
“Where are my parents?” You ask one day when you are seven.
Your caretaker sighs and stares down at you with dull eyes, “Gone.”
You do not know what it means. You do not know why your parents left you. You do not know if they died or simply abandoned you. You do not even what death is. You will, eventually but this is before the world breaks you. This is before you lose yourself.
So you ask, “Why?”
You never get an answer.
You are seven years old when you learn that you are not wanted. You learn the name you were given, Eiden, was not from your parents. It is from the head caretaker. You do not know why it hurts. But it does.
You are not wanted.
It is not from a lack of trying.
You are in a tree.
The branches span as far as the eye can see as your small hands wrap around limbs thicker than your wrist. Up and up you go, away from the pain that awaits you the moment you get back to the orphanage and the pitiful stares of your classmates. Anger and pain fuel your body as you climb higher and higher. It drives you to do more, to be more. The wind blows through your hair and chills your heated skin.
You do not remember when you started to cry.
You stare at the cityscape around you and it steals your breath away.
‘Beautiful,’ You think with the light of an afternoon sky in your eyes.
For the first time in years, as you sit there, you are filled with a sense of peace. It calms your beating heart and your tears begin to dry. Sitting on a branch, high above the ground, you realize something.
You will never be enough.
Not even for yourself.
The moment of reprieve ends, because everything does, but as you climb down your grip falters. Maybe it was your sweaty palms. Maybe it was the sun in your eyes. It does not change what happens next. You feel the nauseating feeling of vertigo as your center of gravity tilts and watch through brown eyes as your foot catches on a branch and you plummet to the ground.
You remember the weightless feeling within your chest. You remember the fear that coursed through your body, the tightening of your throat as tears forced their way from your eyes, and the wind whistling through your ears. You remember how you thought you would die.
You stare at the blue sky above you as you fall through the branches. For some reason, time slows to a trickle. You find yourself thinking in the space of one breath to another, ‘This is how it ends. ’
The moment you hit the ground you hear the sickening snap of bone and then darkness.
You wake up minutes, hours, or maybe days later in the hardened dirt beneath the tree. The sun has long since set. Darkness paints your blurry vision. What little warmth the ground held once is now gone. You are cold. Freezing. Yet your body does not shiver despite the chill that crawls down your spine.
In fact, your entire body is numb. For a frightening moment as you try to get up, your limbs refuse to move and suddenly you are a child again, cowering away from the shadowed monsters of the night.
(Back then you hadn’t realized that the scariest were the ones hiding in the light of day.)
Your mouth tastes of blood and terror but you force yourself to slowly shuffle into a sitting position. You vomit when you sit up, a wave of dizziness causing dark spots beneath your eyelids. The acidic smell of bile assaults your senses and burns your eyes.
You lean back against the tree trunk and heave the last of the contents in your stomach. By the end of it, sweat has soaked through your clothes and your left arm hangs limply by your side. You do not need a doctor to tell you it’s broken.
You want to laugh.
Just like you.
You do not know how you make it back to the orphanage.
Not once do the caretakers visit you in the hospital.
(You wonder if it is your fault.)
Your name is Eiden and you have never once been needed.
You go through school knowing you are different. Other kids have someone that waits for them to come home. Other kids live in a house where food is not a luxury. They have a freedom you are envious of, an overabundance of people that care for them. They are loved.
You are not.
They are wanted. You are not .
It is something said in the dark of night, a secret that has been engraved into your heart by those around you.
You are so lonely it hurts. Yet every friend you ever make eventually leaves. You know it is your fault. You are too loud or too quiet, you are too much or not enough. Whatever you do is always wrong. You can never win.
“You need help, Eiden.” Your first crush tells you when you confess at 15. He sneers down at you as he says it, disgust written in the lines of his face. It pierces straight through your heart and into your bones, leaving behind white-hot shame in its wake.
It gets worse when he outs you to the entire school a week later.
The stares follow you wherever you go. They whisper behind your back and laugh when you turn around indignantly. The tentative relationships you were attempting to form are swiftly broken. You cannot fight back and soon you become the pariah of the school. No one wants to be friends with someone like you.
You think that is where it starts.
You try your best in school, you try so hard to make them like you. But when that doesn’t work, you give up. There is no one waiting at home for you. There is no one to tell you that you are wrong. There is never going to be anyone who realizes how hard you try to make sure everyone around you is happy.
There is never going to be anyone that loves you.
That is until you meet him.
He is a breath of fresh air after living a life where you were drowning beneath the weight of something you could not control. He is the oasis in the middle of a desert and you are the weary traveler searching for respite. His smile is like the sun, incandescently beautiful and oh so bright.
His name is Akira.
At sixteen years old you fall in love with someone who will destroy you.
Akira is intoxicating. His presence is like a drug you cannot get enough of. He gives you the attention you so desperately want and in return you give him everything you are.
The first time he kisses you-hot and heavy as he pushes you up against a wall-, you think to yourself, ‘This is love.’
In the beginning it is perfect. You follow him around like an animal on a leash. Everywhere Akira goes, you go. Everything Akira does, you do. Two peas in a pod. You are at his every beck and call. But the feeling you get in your chest when he tells you he loves you is one that makes it all worth it. For the first time in your life, you are given unconditional love.
He has you wrapped so thoroughly around his finger that you don’t even know how it starts.
A touch here, a word there, or maybe an uncomfortable feeling that was ignored. All you know is that ever so slowly the image you built up in your mind of Akira begins to crack. You do not know how, you do not know why but during senior year, something changes. Akira gets mean .
Except you are stupidly in love with him. At that period in time you are naive and hopeful. You believe that love can fix everything. If you just wait, if you just give him a little more time …then surely something has to bend? You are so deep that by the time you realize it is much too late to change. You cannot run from your fate.
(It is you who breaks in Akira’s stead.)
As the months go by and Akira keeps on changing and changing, you get scared. He begins drifting away from you and you do everything in your power to bring him back. You do not want to lose him. You can’t imagine going back to the melancholic loneliness of the past. You would do anything for him. Anything.
You realize later, that was your downfall.
“Eiden, sleep with me.” Akira says one night.
“Okay.” You reply.
Akira takes your virginity. By the time you are grown and well experience with sex and consent, you realize that it was never meant to hurt. That when you begged him to stop, he was supposed to stop. That when you cried from the pain, he was supposed to listen instead of shoving your face into the sheets of your bed to muffle your voice. What Akira did that night was the beginning of the end. A trumpet call signaling the coming apocalypse.
Yet you do not know this so afterward when Akira leaves, you feel empty.
It fills you with confusion. You agreed to it, didn’t you? This was how people showed love, wasn’t it? So why did you feel so wrong inside? Why did it feel wrong ?
(This, you decide, is when your life fell apart.)
You are eighteen when Akira hits you for the first time.
“It was an accident, Eiden.” He says after an argument as you hold your swelling cheek and stare up at him from the ground.
“Okay.” You reply, having only ever been hit by people you didn’t love.
It does not end there. One accident turns into two. Then three. Then four. By the time graduation comes around, you have to hide the bruises that litter your skin and the hickeys upon your neck from your classmates.
No one comes to see you graduate.
No one sees that you are drowning.
No one sees the tight grip Akira has on your neck as he fucks you into the mattress as you lay pliant and empty the night you are kicked from the safety of the orphanage.
You stay with Akira until you turn twenty because you have nowhere to go.
You stay with Akira because you are scared.
(More than anything you are afraid of being alone.)
However at 20, something in you snaps.
Your name is Eiden and suddenly you are ten years old again.
There is blood running down your face from a cut above your brow and it stings painfully from the sweat that wells upon your skin. It hurts. It fucking hurts but not as much as Akira has hurt you. The soft crunch beneath your knuckles as you punch the man in front of you fills you with a sickening type of thrill.
You listen to the way he wails and falls away from you, clutching his broken nose as blood spurts between his fingers. But you don’t stop there. You get on top of him and punch him as the tears fall uncontrollably from your eyes. Once. Twice. You don’t stop until the pain in your chest shatters in a fit of catharsis.
You were never one for violence. You were never one to beat someone down, not after knowing how you felt when Akira did it to you. You were kind. You were sweet. But this is how low he brought you. This is what he made you into.
“It was an accident,” You say as you leave him behind with only the clothes on your back.
You don’t look back. Not even when he screams in rage, “No one will love you!”
You smile, “I know.”
Because you have long since accepted it.
Afterward you get a job and an apartment in a city far far away. Far away from Akira. Far away from the city you grew up in.
You start new.
You enroll in a design school because you always liked creating. Above everything else, it is the thing you are best at. You get a job working the docks at night after your class. You take whatever opportunity you can and you never look back.
Not even when it hurts.
It is hard the first couple of years. There are times when you go without food and the hunger pains of your youth haunt you. There are times when you can’t pay your bills and have to scrounge for money in low places. But for the first time in your life, you are truly free.
Your coworkers like you. You make friends that you occasionally go out for drinks with. You are…happy?
You don’t know how it happens but somewhere along the way you lose yourself. Perhaps it is an attempt to make up the time you spent with Akira or to get a part of yourself back but you find yourself giving away yourself in the only way you know how. Sex.
Whether it is getting fucked or doing the fucking, the moments of euphoria and the closeness you feel as you lose yourself to pleasure are the only thing keeping you going. Your libido knows no bounds. The best memories you have are the ones where the thoughts are fucked out of you.
You realize what you are doing is not healthy.
You realize you are chipping away at yourself with every night spent in a stranger's bed. But loneliness is all you have ever known and sex lets you feel loved.
(You will blame Akira for this.)
At 23 you get a job as a sex toy designer.
It is not the job you thought you would have as a kid. It never even crossed your mind. This doesn’t stop the fact that you have found a new muse: The ability to give others the pleasure you weren’t given. In the curvatures and dimensions of the toys, in the different sizes and preferences, you find yourself putting your entire focus. To give the user nothing but pleasure.
( Never hurt. Never. Not like Akira. Not like him. )
You do not realize how much work it is.
Every day there is a new toy to make or another custom order to fill. It takes every minute of your free time. The pay is decent enough and the trips to the R&D division lets you get paid for fucking yourself silly and rating toys.
You get a therapist with the extra income from your commissions.
You find a better apartment.
You work so much that all you do is eat and sleep.
You think you have finally begun to heal.
Then you are thrown, quite literally, into the world of your dreams.
Klein is weird.
There is a thing called essence which is essentially magic. You apparently have the most of anyone. ‘’Tasty,’’ Morvay says as he swallows down load after load until you blank from the amount of pleasure you feel.
Damn incubus.
The first few weeks of your sudden tossing into Klein are spent in disbelief. Aster has a mansion bigger than your entire apartment complex and you have a bedroom the size of said apartment. You are given three square meals a day and free reign of the estate. You are…confused.
You have made it clear your name is not Huey. You have made it clear you are not Huey. You have made it clear that your two ‘familiars’ do not owe you anything. Yet that does not stop them.
Aster is a cunning vampire who has the entire noble population under his control and enough money to rival the American celebrity, Bill Gates. He has fucking servants! Servants who listen to everything you say. He has a penchant for gifting you sweets or having the chef cook food that reeks of higher than your palette ever had the chance to taste.
Aster with his stupidly pink hair and his absolutely godlike handjobs(also a footjob at one point) never once complains about caring for you. Aster with his red eyes and mischievous laughter never once listens to you when you try to do something to pay you back.
“Master, you’re not a bother!”
“The shitty vampire is actually right for once.” Morvay dodges the kick to the shin that Aster throws his way and gives you a smirk that makes your heart flutter.
And Morvay.
The ‘dumbass’ incubus who never fails to make you laugh. Who causes so much chaos. Who takes care of you in his own way(such as giving you blowjobs that make your eyes roll into the back of your head). He is different than Aster. They are the same in some aspects but not. Together they make a surprising duo and not just in the sexual way either.
Aster and Morvay live in a world you are not accustomed to.
You are not used to being cared for. At least not without terms. So you decide to do anything you can to pay them back.
Your name is not Huey nor have you ever heard of ‘essence’ or gemstone altars. However, you have always wanted to help. You have always wanted to be well..wanted. Needed.
You think, here , is where you can be.
You meet Yakumo only 3 weeks after your arrival to the continent of Klein.
Aster and Morvay take you out one day to fill your need to explore. In the corner of your eye, you see him. Brown hair that frames his ears and comes down to the tips of his shoulders, pretty burnt orange eyes that meet your own. He looks shy. Shy but oh so beautiful.
Instantly the sudden ‘bump bump’ of your heart has you reeling. You can feel your face flushing from the essence in your body reacting in time. Did you really just get horny? From staring at someone?!
You don’t have time to think before a pair of guards begins roughing up an old couple. You do not think before you run forward and throw yourself in front of them, hands stretched wide as you stare at the looming metal armored figures. Your stomach twists. It reminds you of…of him.
Akira.
The spit in your mouth dries and you are suddenly acutely aware of your shaking limbs. There is a fluttery feeling in your chest and you recognize the panic attack before it hits. Or before it would have hit, had Yakumo not turned into a serpent and you had to stop him.
The rest is history.
Later that night as he fucks you so sweetly and murmurs into your hair about how beautiful you are, you feel the tears flood your eyes. It feels so good. He feels so good.
“Eiden…Eiden,” Yakumo cries out your name as you reach your peak and succumb to the pleasure of Yakumo deep inside you. He follows seconds later.
Laying against the expanse of a warm chest, you think, “I can do this.”
(Even as you wear the same baby blue jacket that you had worn the day you left Akira.)
Yakumo joins you, Morvay, and Aster in the mansion.
Just as you thought, he is adorable and so sweetly shy.
He makes you food some days. Apparently, he loves cooking and the big kitchen of Aster’s mansion fills his wildest dreams. You don’t mind. His dishes fill you with a certain type of warmth. You haven’t had a homecooked meal this delicious in years.
Yakumo loves the fact that you enjoy his cooking so much. It makes him happy. It makes you happy.
Aster pouts at Yakumo one evening over dessert, “Why don’t you ever make me anything?”
Yakumo stutters and then blushes as he ducks his head, murmuring as he refuses to meet your eyes, “Because he needs it.”
Morvay snorts and Aster ponders over a spoonful of sweetened cream and berries before he shoots you a glance and nods proudly, “I can accept this.”
“Did you know he was almost sickly thin when he got here?”
You had noticed you had gained a few pounds since you arrived in Klein.
You try to laugh it off, “Hey! It’s because there’s just so much to eat here that I can’t help it!”
You miss the secretive glances shared between the trio.
By the time you meet Edmond and secure the Light territory altar, you have learned some about the Gemstone clan members. The reaction, the same ‘bump bump’ of your heart and the flushing of your skin as you meet Edmond for the first time only serve to further cement the fact that he is one.
Edmond is proud.
Even when he thinks you poisoned him because you are an idiot and that was the first thing that came to your mind.
His long blue hair cascades down his back as he holds his sword with elegance. Your knight in shining blue not-really-armor-but-the-point-still-stands. In the beginning you think he hates you. But it is okay because you are used to it and without regulating his essence he will be destroyed from within. You want to do everything you can to prevent that.
(It hurts but you won’t say.)
In the capital, he leads you to the Light altar.
The soft yellow of the gem as it gleams before you is beautiful. You can feel its pull, a tantalizing tease of power that hides beneath a sea of indescribable energy. You taste Light in your mouth.
Then you attack.
You are tired when it is done but it is worth it when Edmond rolls his eyes and says, “I knew it wasn’t true. You can’t lie to save your life.”
He joins your little rag-tag band of familiars and a serpent because of course he does.
You are given gifts and thanks as you are crowned as the next “Grand Sorcerer”, a title you did not want but were given nonetheless. As you stand beside your companions, you feel it.
A sense of belonging.
Then you wake up screaming.
All you can see is him in front of you. All you can feel are his hands on your skin. All you can hear is the sound of your own cries of terror.
Edmond busts in through the door, sword raised and his face filled with worry.
Everyone’s rooms are in the same wing as yours but none are close enough that you need to worry about someone overhearing what you do. You do not understand why Edmond is there at first until you realize your throat is scratchy and raw. Which meant that you were screaming loud enough he could hear from down the hall.
You feel guilty.
Ashamed.
“You never know when to shut your fucking mouth, Eiden.” Akira bites out scathingl y.
You hear his words even as Edmond inches closer to your bed, gaze taking in the tear tracks on your cheeks and the hitch of your shoulders.
You expect him to scold you. You expect him to get angry that you woke up him. You expect him to yell or scream or something! You expect him to do anything but what he does.
Edmond sits down beside you after sheathing his blade and reaches out to clasp your small hands with his own. Then he smiles softly, something that makes your heart skip a beat, “It’s okay, Eiden.”
You do not know when the tears start but you do know that Edmond reaches out to bring you toward his chest and together you sit quietly in the dark of your room until the sun rises. Each tiny droplet he kisses away.
You ignore the probing stares of the Gemstone clan members the next day, scrubbing your tired eyes from the gunk built up from crying your eyes out.
You do not want them to ask questions. You do not need help.
You are strong.
If they see you are weak, they will leave you. If they see who you really are…
You got a second chance when Aster and Morvay accidentally summoned you. You will not throw it away by being yourself. Because you have never once been needed. You have never once been wanted.
And that is fine.
As long as you can still regulate the altars, as long as you are still useful, then everything is fine.
It’s fine.
(You are breaking inside.)
You think Olivine would understand if you told him.
A priest trapped in a life he cannot escape from. A priest who only ever sees the best in people. Someone who is so kindhearted. Someone who felt crushed under the pressure to always be good, to always do good. Until he caused the Water altar to go haywire in an attempt to bring light to his boring existence.
You meet him in his time of darkness.
You save him.
“All you have to do is tell me your deepest desires, then I’ll grant them.” You say.
“Okay.” He says and then cums on your cock.
You wish someone would save you.
You are like Olivine in a way. But he is nothing like you.
He is good down to his bones, so pure it hurts. He is handsome. He attracts attention wherever he goes. He has parents and siblings that love him. And that’s where it’s different, isn’t it?
He is loved. You are not.
He is wanted. You are not.
With every alter you stabilize. With every Gemstone clan member you meet you begin to realize more and more. For the first time in your life you can say you’re needed. But then why does it make you feel so empty inside?
They only need you because of your essence. Every time you fuck them or get fucked by them it’s because of your essence. Not because of you.
You are finally needed. But you are not wanted.
You are not Huey. You are Eiden.
You try so hard to be like him.
(You wonder if it is your fault.)
You watch as everyone becomes closer.
You watch as their relationships develop.
You watch from the outside when Edmond kisses Olivine for the first time.
You watch when Aster gives Yakumo a hug from behind and he turns into a blushing mess.
You wonder why it hurts.
You meet Quincy and Topper when Quincy uses his bare hand to kill a monster in the woods of the “underdeveloped zone”. He is ripped and the muscles of his arms strain against the fabric of his shirt. He is oddly adorable with his golden bed head hair and tired eyes. Topper is even cuter.
When he steps near you, you feel your heart do its familiar beat and then he says gruffly, “Leave. It’s dangerous.”
Because of course he’s a clan member.
So you try to talk because talking is the only thing you know how to do. You cannot use magic like the others. You cannot fight. You are dead weight. A burden.
“Do you know where the Wood altar is?” You say.
“Yes.” Quincy replies.
Good start.
“Could you tell us the way?” You continue.
“Okay.”
Very good!
“Then.. could you lead us there?”
“No.”
Thankfully the ever diplomatic Olivine steps in. As Quincy and the other clan member talk, you find your mind wandering. By the time you tune back in, Quincy has been tricked by Olivine into leading your group to the local tribe. Of course with a price. The price is all of your food.
You try to make idle conversation as you begin dredging through the overgrowth between the trees. Quincy is not as forthcoming with you as he was with Olivine. His answers are short. Clipped and slightly cold.
You ignore the way your heart aches. Olivine is..well Olivine. Of course, Quincy would prefer him as a conversationalist. You know it is also because Quincy is not a man of many words. That doesn’t stop the way your eyes prick with frustrated tears.
You joke with a tiny smile to hide behind the facade you have built up, “So Quincy…”
“Hm?” The man hums under his breath as he pets the tiny animal on his shoulder.
“Do you ever use full sentences?” You quip, already knowing full well that he can.
Quincy sighs and what he says next shatters you, “You talk too much.”
“You never know when to shut your fucking mouth, Eiden.”
“Do you ever stop talking?!”
“You’re better when I can’t hear you.”
“You’re such a good boy when you’re quiet. You’re a pretty face and a good fuck. Nothing else.”
He sounded so much like Akira. Always fucking Akira. You have to stop yourself from bursting into tears right then and there. He used to hit you more when you spoke out against him. He used to beat you down every time you stood up.
It had been 4 years since you left him.
You knew you were too much or not enough. You knew you were loud and annoying. You fucking knew it. But that was the first time you had heard that phrase since coming to Klein. When he fucks you that night against a tree, you moan and beg for more. Always needy. Always ‘bothersome’.
You do not blame Quincy. Not once.
You knew. All this time you knew.
You knew that no one would love you.
(You do not know why you cry when you sleep in the tent Quincy put up for you.)
You are breaking.
You are cracking.
You do not know how much longer you can do this.
Huey this. Huey that. Grand Sorcerer this. Grand Sorcerer that.
You are getting tired of constantly being compared to the man called Huey.
You are angry.
No. You are furious.
You are not trying to take his place. Kuya needs to understand that.
Yakumo, Morvay, Olivine and Quincy listen to your speech and they say:
“I’ll protect you with my life.”
“You saved me from the pits of despair.”
“If you fall, I will catch you.”
“We are here.”
You wish you believed them.
(You have no one to blame but yourself.)
You jump in front of Kuya to save him and then everything goes dark.
You want to go home..?
“Lies.” Kuya says.
Then you are back home.
You wake up to your coworker shaking you, “Eiden!” He grumbles as you force yourself into a sitting position and listen to the way your back pops. Your worktable is covered in sketches and you pull your cheek from where it was painfully stuck on the drawing tablet you use to create designs. You blink. Once. Twice.
You remember standing in front of Kuya. Then…nothing.
As you sit there, memories begin flickering in from the other world. From the dream world. Yakumo. Olivine. Edmond. Aster. Morvay. Quincy. Kuya. It was a dream. It was a dream?
“Eiden, are you okay?” Your coworker asks again.
You shake your head, unable to stop the tears that well up in your eyes and the sudden gaping pit of despair in your stomach. “I-it can’t be…No..I was just..”
Your coworker cocks a brow, “Did you pull another all-nighter?”
He places a steaming cup of coffee in front of you as you sit there in shock, “I thought so. You have to stop doing this to yourself. You’re going to crack one of these days.”
Of course it was a dream.
Yakumo. Olivine. Edmond. Aster. Morvay. Quincy. Kuya.
You bury your head in your hands and the broken sob that escapes you causes your coworker to panic. He stutters and reaches out to pat your head, “I-i just got my bonus from my last order. I-i’ll take you out to dinner! On me!”
Yakumo…Olivine…
A dream?
Edmond…Aster…
A dream .
Morvay…Quincy…Kuya…
You wail.
It rips from your throat more akin to a cry of pain. You scream as your heart breaks. You sob and sob and sob. Of course! Of fucking course! You knew. You fucking knew and yet you still believed. You will never recover from this.
“Enjoying the sensations of despair?” Kuya’s voice suddenly sounds out around the room.
You shoot your head up right as the illusion disappears. The mist slowly dissolves until you are back in the room you were. The tears however do not quit flowing. You hate it. You hate the way your heart jumps at the sight and the immeasurable relief that flows from your limbs.
Kuya smirks, “Such a dishonest young master.”
“W-what?” You say in the barest hint of a whisper. You are jagged edges and broken shards. You are wrung high and dry. You are sorrow down to your very bones. You are Eiden.
“How..?” You ask dully.
Kuya smiles, “Illusions prey on the memories of the victims. I do not know what you saw.”
You stare at the ground.
“I know.” You whisper. Kuya furrows his brow, “Know what?”
“I already know there is nothing for me to return to,” Your voice begins to shake, “But you aren’t going to make me give up on you.”
You will give up on yourself but not Kuya. Not Klein.
You have no choice but to collect the shattered pieces of your soul, tucking them safely away in the baby blue jack you left Akira in. If nothing else, that is a symbol of your strength. Even if you are broken, even if you are hated, you are Eiden. You are the Eiden who left Akira. You are the Eiden that does everything he can to help.
You square your shoulders and stitch your heart back together.
Then you beat him at Old Maid because you always have had the best poker face and the deck he has is rigged. He has lost before he even can process it. You grin as you throw down the cards between you.
“You’ll help with the altar then?”
“A promise is a promise, young master.” He smirks, a curve drenched in sex appeal and suave.
When he walks forward and traps you on the bed in the corner, you go willingly. When he wraps your wrists together in magic something in you preens. You thought you would have been scared that the man who tried to kill you is now above you when you are helpless but you are not.
Is this trust? Or do you not care anymore?
His cock splits you open and you cry when he keeps you on the edge of orgasm.
“How did you win?” He says as he mercilessly fucks your prostate.
You haven’t.
You find Garu and Karu by default when you get separated from the group on the way to the Fire territory.
Garu is sweet and happy. Karu wishes for world domination.
You wonder how it is like to have two different people in one body.
You wonder if he is like you, if he has so many contradicting thoughts that it hurts. The Eiden you show to the world is not the Eiden you are inside. You smile when you want cry. You laugh when it hurts. You wear a mask.
Who is it for?
You take care of Garu, in more ways than one, and then you invite him into the group. He bonds with the others. Karu does too.
You smile and the warm feeling is there again.
“We’re like one big family!” Garu smiles.
Family?
You’ve never had a family. But, as you watch the members laugh and talk and simply be, you wonder if this is it. You know you are broken but with them you feel like you can heal. That they can heal you.
There is a weird guy with purple hair that knows your name. Then he vanishes.
There are monsters everywhere. They come and surround you. They continuously attack and because they are too busy trying to keep you safe, the clan members get run thin. You try to distance yourself to allow them to fight. You try to be helpful.
And then you trip.
There is pain. There is pain like no other. You feel the claws of the monster rip into your back and you let out a blood curdling scream. It does not end there and you feel the bone of your arm snap.
Darkness.
You remember the time you broke your arm.
The way the pain made your body numb. You remember how you woke up alone when it was dark and scary. You were cold then. You are cold now.
You blink in and out of existence to the hums of someone out of tune.
They were there when you wake. They are there when you sleep. You do not know how long you lay suspended in darkness. What do you know is that they call you Huey.
“‘m not Huey,” You slur one day, “‘m Eiden.”
Somehow he begins calling you darling. His name is Blade and he does not waste breath telling you how adorable you are. He takes care of you and he kisses you to share essence. Apparently essence is a good healer. And you need to be healed.
Unlike the times of your childhood when you got hurt or sick, this time you are not alone. Blade is there, holding you and pressing kisses to your temple or showing you an adorable rock he found. It is something you haven’t experienced before.
Blade keeps you safe. As days turn into weeks and you heal, you realize you have to leave. You have a duty to do and you are sure the other members are searching for you. The alters can not wait.
You are afraid.
You do not want to lose Blade. He is endearing and sweet. He calls you darling.
He makes you feel…loved.
And that’s the truth, isn’t it? You love them. You love them. Blade. The clan members. You love them with everything you are. Everything. Kuya’s illusion showed you that. Kuya saw the lie you crafted and forced you to face reality.
It fractured you while it made you whole.
You love them.
That night as Blade kisses you and says he wants to go wherever you do is the night you decide you never want to go back.
You love them. You know they love each other too. But do they love you?
You cannot remember a time when you loved like this. You did not know you could feel as much love for them as you do. It fills the cracks of your heart and spills over your fingers and down into your bones. You feel it in your soul.
You watch as Olivine and Yakumo bond over cooking and old books. You listen as Kuya and Quincy argue like an old married couple. You see Edmond flush a brilliant shade of red as Garu nuzzles his cheek like a puppy. Together they are a myriad of colors that meld together to make a painting even the gods could appreciate.
They are all breathtakingly beautiful.
Your family.
You are scared because you love them so much.
(You loved Akira once too.)
You want to say, “I love you.”
But you don’t.
Your name is Eiden because the old caretaker at your orphanage said so. You are twenty four because you couldn’t even take your own life right. You are lonely. Yet it is all you have ever known.
You are not wanted.
It is not from a lack of trying.
You will never be enough. Not even for yourself.
There is never going to be anyone that loves you.
No one sees that you are drowning. It hurts but you won’t say.
(You are breaking inside.)
You wish someone would save you.
(You wonder if it is your fault.)
You want them to say, “I love you.”
But they don’t.
You are laughing together over a meal.
Quincy is showing a rare smile when talking with Garu who pets a very satisfied Topper. Yakumo and Olivine are so proud of their meal and Aster praises them as he takes a second serving. Morvay is laughing at Edmond. Blade and Kuya are discussing something at the end of the table.
All together. All having a good time.
Then you say it. It comes out before you can stop it.
“I want to die.”
Yakumo drops the plate he was holding onto the ground and it shatters into a million tiny pieces.
The room falls into silence. Nine pairs of eyes meet your own.
“What the fuck?” Morvay cries out.
Just like that everyone moves into motion. In the blink of an eye dinner is gone and you are sitting on your own bed as everyone finds a place to get comfortable. You do not remember how you got here.
You do not know why you begin to give light to the things you never have.
“I was 10 years old the day I got into my first fight,” You say, “It is a feeling I will never forget.”
In your nightmares you wake up to the smell of coffee and a hand shaking your shoulder.
“I was never going to be enough. Not even for myself.”
He haunts you and the pale blue of your jacket, trauma is hidden within the folds of your sleeves.
“His name was Akira.”
You remember the way his hands felt around your neck. You remember the emptiness that came afterward.
“He said it was an accident.”
The pain of hunger is something you will never experience again.
“I didn’t look back.”
Years down the line, when everything is said and done and you are happy and loved, you will look back on that day as one of the best in your entire life.
You want to say, “I love you.”
Then you do.
You want them to say, “I love you.”
And they do.
It is not the end of your pain but it is the beginning of your happiness.