Work Text:
En kadhale, en kadhale,
Ennai yenna seiyapogirai?
Naan oviyan endru therindhum nee
Yen kannirandai ketkirai?
(Oh my love, oh my love
What are you going to do with me?
Even after knowing that I am an artist,
Why are you asking for my eyes?)
Akthar had been his only friend in the lonely life he’d created for himself. He had been his hope, his escape,
his love
,
his friend, his everything. So it had been his final wish to see him one more time, right before he died. He imagined that he would die at the hands of his loved one.
But what he’d got in return for this tiny, whatever would’ve been his final wish, had come at a price. A very steep price that he was going to have to pay.
He sat there in stunned silence as he watched his dear friend quickly working on applying medicine to his wound, concern shining in his eyes along with a myriad of other emotions just overflowing from one look as he wrapped the cord around him, stating that his bhaiya needed it more than him.
Maybe it was just his poisoned mind playing tricks on him because there was no way that it was the very man he’d been searching for all this while. His ticket to fulfil his promise to his father, his village. There was no way that his friend had been Bheem all this while.
And just to prove him wrong and add a heart-shattering curveball in his life, Akhtar confesses to being Bheem from the Gond tribe and proceeds to spill his whole plan for the evening, for the rescue mission and the amount of trust he shows at that moment truly breaks his heart because he knew that he was going to horribly break that very trust soon.
For a moment, he hesitated to get out of the bed, tried to throw away his sense of duty as a police officer and instead be the friend
Akthar
Bheem wanted him to be but then he remembers his word to his village, his Sita, his father and to himself.
He’d worked towards this goal for so long that there was no turning back. He was going to have to sacrifice something that day. And it wasn't going to be his uniform.
LOAD. AIM. SHOOT.
Siluvaigal, siragugal,
Rendil yenna tharapogirai?
Killuvadhai, killivittu
Yen thallinindru paarkirai?
(The crosses or wings
Which of the two are you going to give me?
After doing everything you’ve done
Why are you standing and watching from afar?)
Bheem was feeling lighthearted. He had just confessed everything to Anna and they finally had no secrets between them. But he still felt the dread and apprehension build up in him with every step he took towards the palace. Towards the place where Malli had been imprisoned. Who he was going to set free in a short while. He was going to finally achieve his goal.
Everything had been going according to plan and he was close, oh so close, to rescue her when the police officer jumped in front of him. No. It was Anna in the police uniform that jumped in front of him and all he could think of was how cruel the world is. And no matter how much he tried to convince his Anna Ram, he wouldn't budge and fought with him.
His frustration and anger just grew by the second and he was feral. He had a duty to protect, he had a mission to complete and he was not going to let anyone stop him from doing so, even if it was his Anna. Even if it was his beloved… nope. He wasn't going to go there at all. Malli came first always.
Ram had ended up arresting him, threatening Malli’s life. And for days, all he could think of was the hate and overwhelming guilt of letting Malli down. His tribe down.
Was it all a lie? He thought as Ram dragged him to the middle to whip him in front of the crowd. Was their friendship a lie? Was it just a ploy for Ram to get close to them, gather information and use it against them? Was anything even real in those few days- months they spent together?
The lashes fell across his back and his blood, boiling and red flowed like a river and it caused a lot of pain. But nothing, nothing would give him more pain than the betrayal of
his
Anna
Ram and the broken trust between them.
Though, deep down, he couldn't come to hate Ram in any way. They both, at the end of the day, were duty-bound. And their duties were the opposite of their desires. And they lived in a time when they could not afford to sacrifice their duty.
It must’ve been his imagination, but as he closed his eyes, it was almost like Ram was cradling him in his arms, hysterically whispering apologies as his mind drifted away.
En kadhale, en kadhale,
Ennai yenna seiyapogirai?
Naan oviyan endru therindhum nee
Yen kannirandai ketkirai?
(Oh my love, oh my love
What are you going to do with me?
Even after knowing that I am an artist,
Why are you asking for my eyes?)
Bheem was ready to go to his death. Well, he wasn't ready to go to his death but rather, to escape and save Malli and try not to die in the process. Whoever had given him the blade was a godsend. He didn't know who it was but he would worship them if he ever got to know who he was.
The betrayal still stung. After all the trust he’d shown, Ram had just backstabbed him and left him alone. And he had just wanted to ask that one burning question in his head. Why?
Ram felt like he had prepared everything correctly, to the T. He would rescue Malli, Bheem would cut himself off the ropes, he would hand over Malli to Bheem and everything will be resolved.
But of course, nothing would go according to plan and of course, the moment Malli started running, people followed, he followed, killing his former collegues. He knew though, the moment he chose Bheem instead of his job, he’d sacrificed everything he’d done, everything he’d built, let down every single promise he’d given to his people… but he didn't regret it. Because he knew he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of sacrificing his friend for the greater purpose.
Good news: Malli almost reached to safety. Bad news: A gun was pointed at her, ready to kill. And all Bheem (and Ram) could see was red. He ran ahead just as the gunshot rang and grabbed Malli, injuring Ram in the process as all his mind could see was the betrayal and overwhelming hurt, blinding him to the resigned smile his Anna was sporting, or the relief as the two of them were escaping. Or the fact that he was still fighting and covering them even after Bheem was the one to injure him.
Yes, It stung a little (a lot) to see the hostility and mistrust and pure hatred directed towards him by Bheem… but he knew it was the right decision on Bheem's part. He'd broken his trust after all. He deserved this.
After all, Ram understood duty. And his duty was to ensure the safety of Bheem and Malli while Bheem’s duty was to protect Malli. No matter the cost he pays, even if it is his life. It would be the atonement of his sins and he would happily accept it if it meant that his Bheem was safe.
He'd once thought that he would sacrifice everything if it ensured that Bheem was safe. And now, he'd sacrificed everything he'd lived for, lost everything in his life and was facing death and all he had in his mind was - I saved my jaan.
Kadhale nee pooverindhal
Endha malaiyum konjam kuzhayum
Kadhale nee kal erindhal
Endha kadalum konjam kalangum
(My love, if you throw a flower
Even the mountains will melt a little
My love, if you throw a stone
Even the ocean will get disturbed a little)
It had taken Bheem a few days to crash from the adrenaline and anger fuelled thoughts to actually think of what happened the other day. And one pressing question entered his mind. Why had Ram been there in the first place?
Was it to ensure that Bheem died? Was it to ensure… no. Not possible. His Anna wouldn't do that to him now, would he?
But his Anna was also Ram, the police officer, who worked under the same people who had taken Malli away from him. His Anna was the same Ram who'd sabotaged his plan to rescue Malli. But would he actually stoop down to the level of killing them?
It was hard to separate the image of his Anna and Ram the police officer. His Anna, the kind, easygoing and that fond smile and the guarded yet transparent eyes…
Maybe in hindsight, it was a bit obvious but at that time, he'd assumed that the guardedness was about living in a British populated area. He would've never guessed Bhaiya was an officer with how he was behaving.
But he was also a human, he rationalised. Just because he was working under those white people, it wouldn't mean that he was cruel or…
He had to stop thinking about all this. He was just getting more questions and random assumptions that are just leading to more confusion and uncertainty and so many doubts and unresolved questions that he really didn't know what was true and what was not anymore.
He'd got his answers the moment he met Sita. And immediately felt like drowning in the ocean of his shameangerhatredandguiltguiltguilt-
He deserves this, his poison whispered menacingly. You trusted him and he betrayed you. Hurt you. He had broken you.
But he'd come back, he argued back in the stillness of the night, hot tears running down his face. He'd come back to help and now he'd betrayed his bhaiya and left him to be tortured and to be killed just because he'd wanted to help him. He should've asked before acting but he didn't and now his Anna was going to die because of him. He was being tortured because of him.
All thoughts seemed to come to a standstill as he realised the gravity of the situation. And now it was up to him to fix this mess and apologise to his brother, regardless of whether he'd accept him back or not.
"Why are you here?" were the first words he heard from the person he'd wronged and yeah, how much ever it hurt, that's what he deserved. Because no matter what, he'd abandoned Annaya when he'd come to help him and just left him there for this long before coming back.
"I thought you'd have run away, be in a safer place?" Ram, while elated that Bheem had actually come back for him, was also apprehensive of the intentions. While he wouldn't want to take any more revenge, he thought that he'd have completed his duty instead of returning back to him.
"I couldn't just leave you here to die now, could I, Anna? After all that you've done…" He actually would've if he hadn't known about the sentence, if he hadn't met Sita.
"Who told you?”
"Sita. I promised her that I would bring you back home."
Oh. So he'd come because Sita had told him to. Or he'd promised Sita. It made sense. A lot of sense, actually.
Ram let out a pained grunt as he let Bheem pull him out of the pit. His nerves were on fire and Bheem's touch was igniting them even more. His leg was just purely killing him but he held it in as he let Bheem carry him around on his shoulders and give them a chance to escape because there is no way he was letting Bheem get arrested again, not after he'd sacrificed so much for him to help him escape.
That was the only thing they should concentrate on at the moment. Their escape. The remaining conversation can wait.
Ini meezhvadha… illai veezhvadha?
Uyir vaazhvadha… illai povadha?
Amudhenbadha, vishamenbadha
Unai amudha-vishamyenbadha?
(Should I rise up… or should I fall?
Should I live… or should I go?
Is it an elixir or poison
Or is it some kind of an elixir poison?)
"Stay," Bheem ordered as he ventured out into the forest to do… whatever he was going to do. Ram didn't know. And it wasn't as if he could go anywhere anyway. Not with the pain he was feeling. Nor with the exhaustion and confusion and everything still being processed.
He sat there, back resting against the tree as he tried to find a more comfortable position for his leg to rest at, considering the awkward angle at which Bheem had actually left him.
Did he even know the person anymore? Had Akthar just been an act? An outer personality for the mission? Was Bheem a completely different person from the one he'd known before?
He must be, he decided as he ran through all their run-ins. Akthar and Bheem were two sides of the same coin and he'd just gotten to experience the good side of the coin. Bheem, in his mind, was feral and protective and sometimes, against his wish, sent shivers down his spine along with thoughts he knew he shouldn't be having about the tribesman.
"Bhaiya, I told you not to move," Bheem said, eyebrows nearly joining at his brow, arms filled with numerous things that he didn't know what they do. Leaves, twigs, cloth, roots, fruits… what was he doing.
"You leave the thinking to me, Anna and let me do my work. You need to rest," he firmly said as he shifted Ram to lay down on the makeshift mat he'd lay down.
"The soldiers-"
"We'll be safe for a while." Bheem sharply cut in as he methodically started assessing the wounds and making pastes and tying the wounds up and it almost reminded him of the first time Bheem had patched him up…
“What should I call you?” Ram asked suddenly.
Bheem let out a confused hum as he continued to apply the medicinal paste.
“I mean, should I call you Akthar or Bheem?”
Bheem sent a hesitant look towards him before shrugging. “Call me anything you want, Bhaiya.”
“But what do you want me to call you?”
“That is entirely for you to decide, Anna. I will be comfortable with whatever you decide.” But Ram could see that it was just words stumbling out of Bheem’s mouth. His expression stated entirely otherwise.
“Alright then, Bheem, tell me what you are doing?”
The look on Bheem’s face told him that he’d made the right decision. The ease with which the words flowed as he started explaining, the light in his eyes increasing by the second, the way his hands accentuated his words…
Maybe it was time for him to relearn about Bheem all over again.
And fall in love with him all over again.
En kadhale, en kadhale,
Ennai yenna seiyapogirai?
Naan oviyan endru therindhum nee
Yen kannirandai ketkirai?
(Oh my love, oh my love
What are you going to do with me?
Even after knowing that I am an artist,
Why are you asking for my eyes?)
Bheem didn't know what had possessed him to leave the set of arrows and the bow with Ram, but he supposed it was a blessing in disguise as the soldiers had attacked them sooner than expected, which lead him to wonder, why hadn't the traps worked?
But this wasn't the time to wonder. This was the time to fight and his Anna wasn't in any position to fight but was still fighting and swear to god he will give him a heart attack someday, and raced to join in the fight as soon as possible. He wasn't going to let Anna do all the fighting alone, no sir, no. And if he was to tell off his Bhaiya, they should make it out alive in the first place.
Fighting alongside Anna felt familiar, like the times before they got their identities exposed. It was almost like the first time they met and at the same time, it wasn't but nothing, but nothing could stop him from making the comparisons. They barely spoke to each other but definitely understood what the other wanted to do and actually did it. It was almost like nothing had changed… But deep down, he knew everything had changed. But maybe, the change wasn't as drastic as he’d thought it to be…
Going into the armoury was a no brainer, at least for him. Ramanna had helped him with his goal and now he was going to help Anna finish his goal.
It sometimes felt like this was his way to win back his bhaiya-
Killing off the Scotts had been… therapeutic but at the same time horrifying and weirdly enough left his blood boiling for reasons he didn't know but that was for later. First things first - Put Ram on bedrest.
Later that night, if he had sat down and stared at his Anna all night, fingers hovering over the scars that he’d given him and caused him to go sleepless for nights together, the small, secretive apologies whispered into the night sky and gentle breeze… no one had to know.
Kadhale un kaaladiyil,
Naan vizhundhu vizhundhu thozhuden
Kangalai nee moodikondai
Naan kulungi kulungi azhuden
(My love, at your feet
I fell and worshipped it
You closed your eyes
And I wept inconsolably)
They started their way back to his village a few days after the fight with him being physically unable to and Bheem strictly enforcing bed rest until he was able to walk or at least ride the horse. Or sit on the motorcycle. Whichever mode of transport they were using.
Bheem tried to enforce strict rest timings even then and it all made him look at the mothering man with a fond expression because it had been a long time since someone had bothered to show him this kind of affection apart from his babai and Sita and it had been so long… and he was actually going to see them again and-
He looked towards the sleeping man, the reason for all this happening. The reason that he was alive in the first place. The moonlight shone through the trees, highlighting the tribesman’s features and peaking just near the shoulder blades were scars. Scars that he had caused. Scars that gave him nightmares every single day.
Fingers hovered over the teasing scar, resisting the urge to touch it or follow down where he knew all the scars crisscrossed and mangled and he was sure that it caused him a lot of pain and no amount of apology will be enough to take back what was done.
He managed to take his hand away from the scar and fisted it to his side as he got up, a lone, hot tear trailing down his cheek as he could feel his emotions getting muddled. They have been that way ever since he’d met Bheem and he craved for his diary, now more than ever as it was his escape, his solace, his grounding agent.
But he was going to leave his Bheem alone, not again. He can handle muddled thoughts but he cannot handle being apart from Bheem again.
Idu maatrama… thadumaatrama?
En nenjile… pani mootama?
Nee thozhiya illai edhiriya
Endru dhinamum poratama?
(Is this a change… or an obstacle?
Is there mist accumulated in my heart?
Are you a friend or a foe
Is the daily conflict within me)
Bheem watched from the corner as Ram reunited with his village again. The celebrations were humongous and Ram, as he deserved, was the centre of all the attention.
Malli came towards him and hugged him tightly, muttering prayers in their native tongue along with their elders. One look cast down, he knew that it was their time to depart too. They’d been away from their own tribe for too long and they now had to leave because that was where they belonged.
A small part of him hesitated. It always did when it came to Ram. He couldn't stand the thought of leaving Anna alone in the state that he is. And while he knew that logically, the village had their own healers, he felt like Ram was his responsibility, whether it be because Ram was his best friend, or because it was the guilt of not having come sooner and saved his Bhaiya from all this pain. Ram was his responsibility and he was going to be there.
“Bhaiya?” Bheem asked suddenly, making Ram pause cutting up the wood (and damn those muscles…)
“What is it?” Ram asked, as he turned around and he could barely manage not to openly gawk at his Anna because he was Bhaiya and he shouldn't think about him like that and the way the muscles shifted and the sweat trickled his way down his body and-
“I was wondering if you would like to accompany me to…”
“Bheem…” Ram asked slowly, “Are you sure about this?”
Maybe it was an impulsive decision, maybe he would come to regret it (not), but the offer was made and he would have to deal with the consequences of a broken heart.
“Yes.”
En kadhale, en kadhale,
Ennai yenna seiyapogirai?
Naan oviyan endru therindhum nee
Yen kannirandai ketkirai?
(Oh my love, oh my love
What are you going to do with me?
Even after knowing that I am an artist,
Why are you asking for my eyes?)
Ram felt uncomfortable standing in front of the village this time, not because of the people… well it was because of the people but not in the way he had expected. The whole village had welcomed him in open arms and it was so uncomfortable because he had been expecting hate and scorn and all the uncomfortable looks headed his way, which would’ve been infinitely better because that was what he actually deserved and not all this love and affection.
“Bhaiya, why are you standing to the side?” Bheem asked as he approached him.
I don't deserve this, he wanted to say. I don't deserve any of this and I don't know why people are even showing this much love to me when all I’ve done is hurt and-
Bheem was suddenly hugging him and his mind came to a standstill as he tried to process what was happening. Had he…
“You said it out loud, Anna. and no, you deserve this. Yes, you did hurt me, but that was done out of your duty, Anna. And everyone here understands what duty means. And if you are able to forgive me and be able to stand with me after what I’d done… we might be simple people, Anna, but we… we cannot hate people we love, Anna. Maybe we can but it will always go away and you are family. We both hurt each other in so many ways but here we are, standing side by side and achieving both our goals. I think the hurt was meant to be. And if that hurt is what led us to this situation right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.” Bheem mumbled into his neck before pulling back and looking into his eye.
He didn't know what possessed him but at that moment, looking at the expression on Bheem’s face or it might’ve been the mood in itself, he pulled Bheem into his arms again and gave him a quick peck on his lips before drawing back, realising what he’d just done.
“I…”
Bheem didn't let him say another word as he kissed him on the lips again and it finally felt like he was home.
Siluvaigal, siragugal,
Rendil yenna tharapogirai?
Killuvadhai, killivittu…
(The crosses or wings
Which of the two are you going to give me?
After doing everything you’ve done…)
There had once been a time when Ram had assumed that his life was destined to be filled with pain. But now, looking at the man he held in his arms as he sat near the campfire, he thought that maybe, just maybe, he was being given a chance to soar out into the sky. The journey to attain these sets of wings might’ve been ridden with obstacles and pain, but ultimately, he’d found his salvation.