Chapter Text
A handful of days had passed since Wei Wuxian’s recovery.
Jin Zixuan’s family had been avenged, and it was time for him to return to Lanling. He’d already announced his impending departure to Nie Huaisang and Lan Qiren. The last was Wei Wuxian.
Just as he was about to tap the tent, Wei Wuxian’s bold voice resounded from within.
“Gusu’s food is too awful! This must be the most delicious soup you’ve ever had in your life!”
Jiang Yanli laughed. “A-Xian, don’t be rude to Lan-er-gongzi.” She patted his back to calm him.
Lan Wangji silently sipped the pork rib and lotus root soup in his bowl. He had a discussion with Jiang Yanli and requested special permission to prepare meat dishes. Wei Wuxian was too thin, and the ribs offered added sustenance.
“I’m being honest!” argued Wei Wuxian. “Even if Gusu’s food wasn’t so bad, everyone knows your cooking is the best.” He looked over to Lan Wangji as he continued, “Shijie is the most talented and amazing woman!” He took a large gulp of soup. “Aside from being an awesome cook, she’s also kind and gentle. A peerless beauty!”
“A-Xian, you’re exaggerating.” Jiang Yanli ladled more ribs into his bowl. “Enough talking. Eat before it gets cold.” He’d been drinking broth without touching any of the meat. She pulled a small handkerchief from her sleeve and wiped the corners of his mouth.
Wei Wuxian leaned in, grinning from cheek to cheek. “Shijie is the best!”
Outside, a foreign, uncomfortable feeling twisted in Jin Zixuan’s chest. He turned away from the tent.
“Jin-xiong!” yelled Nie Huaisang. “Did you say good-bye to Wei-xiong already?” Nie Huaisang had also decided it was about time for him to return to Qinghe as well.
“I—”
“Jin-gongzi?” Jiang Yanli peeked from the tent. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji also followed her out.
Jin Zixuan gave a hesitant nod to everyone. Jiang Yanli’s bright eyes landed on him, and the uncomfortable feeling intensified.
He ignored her. “Wei-xiong, Lan-er-gongzi, I came to bid you farewell.” He bowed. “Thank you for your support. The war is far from over. I must return to Lanling.”
“Jin-gongzi, since you’re here you should come in,” said Jiang Yanli. “I made soup. There’s plenty for you and Nie-gongzi as well.”
“Soup?” Nie Huaisang rushed over and sniffed the air. Jiang Yanli’s soup was famous. When they studied at Gusu together, her cooking was all Wei Wuxian would talk about. “I also came to bid farewell, but if there’s soup, I won’t be shy.” He draped an arm over Jin Zixuan, tapping him on the chest with his folded fan. “Jin-xiong, we’re fortunate. Jiang-guniang’s cooking is renowned.”
Just as he stepped forward, Jin Zixuan dug his heels in the ground, stopping them.
Jiang Yanli’s culinary skills were indeed superb. Jin Zixuan had enjoyed much of it when she stayed with him at Jinlin Tai, however, this was different. Sharp, complicated feelings stirred in his chest again. This wasn’t made for him.
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you all.” Nie Huaisang’s arm was eased off his shoulders. “I’ve been away from Lanling for some time. I shouldn’t linger any further.” All the while Jin Zixuan kept his eyes forward, refusing to glance at Jiang Yanli. “We will meet again.” Jin Zixuan bowed and promptly turned to leave.
“Huh?” Nie Huaisang tugged Wei Wuxian’s sleeve. “What’s up with him?”
“Lanling was recently rebuilt. Perhaps he’s busy,” answered Wei Wuxian.
Jiang Yanli watched anxiously as Jin Zixuan’s figure faded into the distance. They all returned to the tent.
“It wouldn’t have taken long to sit and eat,” argued Nie Huaisang. The edge of his fan tapped the bottom of his chin. “As busy as he is, he still has to eat. Jiang-guniang’s soup is better than anything he can get outside.”
“His family was recently avenged,” said Wei Wuxian. “His mood might not be the best right now.”
That was a sentiment they could all understand. Wen Xu’s death was a muted victory. It was difficult to celebrate when their own casualties were still progressing through funeral rites.
“A-Xian, you and your friends continue enjoying. Shijie will be leaving now.” Jiang Yanli spooned a large bowl of soup and placed it into her basket before exiting the tent.
“Look, look, look,” exclaimed Nie Huaisang. “Jiang-guniang is so gentle and caring. From our simple conversation, she immediately rushes to personally deliver soup to Jin-xiong.” His fan folded and tucked into his sleeve before he reached out to help himself to the ribs. “Any man lucky enough to have such a woman is truly fortunate.”
“Of course!” agreed Wei Wuxian.
Beside them, Lan Wangji sat in silence. The remainder of his bowl was left untouched.
***
“Jin-gongzi.” Jiang Yanli carefully lifted the flap of the tent, bringing in her basket. “I know you said you were busy,” she glanced nervously at the contents in her hands, “but the journey home is far. It’s better to eat a little before traveling.”
Jin Zixuan’s cold gaze landed briefly on her hands. “It’s alright. I’m not hungry. You can take it back with you.”
“Even if you don’t have an appetite, you should take care of yourself. Not eating is bad for the body.” The basket was opened, and Jiang Yanli carefully placed a bowl of soup on the table. She had made sure to ladle a few extra ribs for him. Although the bowl was amply full, she walked carefully, not spilling a single precious drop.
“I said, I don’t want it.”
Jiang Yanli flinched from the sudden harshness.
“Jin-gongzi?” The hem of her sleeve was scrunched under her fingers.
Tumultuous emotions brewed inside of him. Complicated and twisted, they found an outlet through his mouth. “Are you this casual with everyone?” he asked. Once the words were out, it was as though a dam had burst. “Have some respect. I’ve already joined the alliance and will continue to support the campaign. You don’t have to play these pretenses with me. Now go back to Wei Wuxian.”
“I-I don’t understand—”
He heaved a frustrated sigh.
“Since you don’t understand, I’ll speak more plainly. Your conduct towards others should carry a proper sense of decorum. Regardless of your intentions, it is inappropriate for a guniang to be so casual with everyone. Others might mistake the relationship.”
The icy tone of his voice matched the chill in her heart.
‘Casual…Pretenses…’
“I would’ve helped you anyway. You don’t need to do this.” Jin Zixuan straightened his back and turned away from Jiang Yanli.
Back then, it was Jin Zixuan who had offered for her to stay at Jinlin Tai. Jiang Yanli was cooking and helping at the estate to minimize the inconvenience. She wasn’t trying to manipulate anyone.
Her heart stuttered.
“I…” There was a knot in her throat.
‘Have some respect.’
Jiang Yanli had heard the rumors outside of Yunmeng. They’d said that she was just average, and her engagement was political. She was a pawn used to advance her clan. But that had never been her intention.
‘Don’t worry, A-Li. No matter what has happened, I’ve already considered you, my daughter.’ Despite Jin-furen’s reassurances, she was only one person. Even when she was alive, she couldn’t suppress the malicious gossip.
Lecherous voices filled her head. That was the only thing they’d believed she was good for.
Jin Zixuan looked back as the first droplets fell.
“You were the one who invited me. I was just trying to help.” Jiang Yanli’s voice cracked and was barely above a whisper. “I know…I’m not strong.” Jiang Yanli’s voice shook, but she persisted until the words were forced out. “But I didn’t ask you to join the war, and I’m not casual!” Her shaky hands clenched at her collars, pulling them tight around herself.
Jin Zixuan’s eyes widened. The subtle motion flashed back to when he’d found her frightened and tugging on her torn robes in an attempt to cover herself. His stomach fell and sickening nausea crawled up his throat.
“J—”
She turned and bolted from the tent.
“Jiang-guniang!” Jin Zixuan chased after her.
Streams of tears blurred her vision. Her chest heaved with pitiful sobs.
“Jiang-guniang!”
A hand grabbed her arm.
“Let go of me!” In a flash, her palm struck across his face. The unexpected blow caused his grip to loosen, but the momentum of the strike unbalanced her footing. Jiang Yanli fell on the grassy ground.
“Jiang-guniang—”
“Stay away from me!”
The sudden scream and disruption drew the attention of the Lans. A handful of disciples intervened. The men stood in front of Jin Zixuan, separating him from Jiang Yanli while a group of ladies rushed to help Jiang Yanli to her feet.
“Jiang-guniang! I didn’t mean it like that!”
“Jin-zongzhu, step back…” Immediately, the men moved forward, ushering Jin Zixuan to retreat.
He pressed on, “I didn’t mean it like that!”
“Step back.” They pushed against him, creating a greater distance between the two.
The women brushed the dirt and grass from Jiang Yanli’s robes. They rubbed her back and worked to console her.
Jiang Yanli’s tear-stained face stared back at Jin Zixuan. “I am weak, but I have self-respect! Just what do you take me for?” she cried. “I have feelings too! I’m not some object to be passed around!”
The women glared at Jin Zixuan while soothing Jiang Yanli.
“Jiang-guniang! Please! Listen to me!”
“Gongzi, calm down.” Jin Zixuan was pushed further away.
“Loud noises are prohibited.” A cold voice cut across the field, and an elder stepped out in front of Jiang Yanli. She had an air of nobility with a stern expression.
As soon as she appeared, the disciples relaxed. The women carefully escorted Jiang Yanli back to the dormitories.
“A-Li!”
The elder scowled, and Jin Zixuan’s lips were instantly sealed.
His muffled cries continued.
“What’s going on here?”
Wei Wuxian, Nie Huaisang, and Lan Wangji emerged from the crowd. Lan Qiren also appeared.
The elder’s cold gaze passed over them. Her eyes focused on Lan Qiren. “These are your guests. Ensure that they understand the rules of Yunshen Buzhichu and that this matter is resolved properly.”
“Understood.” Lan Qiren bowed.
Her eyes narrowed on Jin Zixuan. “In the midst of turmoil, it is unbecoming to be distracted by such trivial matters.” Her expression exuded immense dissatisfaction. “Any trespassers to my area shall be severely punished. Gusu Lan Clan is not the place for entitled gongzi to do as they please.”
Yunshen Buzhichu had always been segregated by sex. Since the destruction of the residence, the rules had been somewhat relaxed, however the female dormitories were strictly prohibited to males.
She turned and left, following where the disciples had taken Jiang Yanli.
“Jin-xiong, calm down.” Nie Huaisang pulled Jin Zixuan from the other Lans. He and Wei Wuxian stood by Jin Zixuan’s side, working to quiet him.
Students gathered around Lan Qiren to detail what they’d witnessed.
“Jin Zixuan.” Lan Qiren’s expression was grim. “You must respect boundaries. Do not harass Jiang-guniang any further. If you persist with any inappropriate behavior, Yunshen Buzhichu will no longer welcome you.”
Harass Jiang-guniang?
“What did you do to shijie?” Wei Wuxian’s hands fisted the front of Jin Zixuan’s robes.
“Unauthorized fighting is prohibited,” snapped Lan Qiren.
Nie Huaisang quickly jumped between them, wrenching Jin Zixuan from Wei Wuxian. He gave the old schoolteacher a forced smile and awkward bow. “I’ll handle this Lan-laoqianbei.” Nie Huaisang turned to face the disciples, giving them all short bows. “You may all disperse now. This was simply a misunderstanding. Rumors are prohibited.”
As the Lans scattered, Lan Qiren gave the group another stern glare. He turned to Lan Wangji. “See that they do not cause any further disruptions.”
“Yes, shufu.” Lan Wangji bowed, and the remainder of the crowd dissolved.
“Jin-xiong, what happened?” asked Nie Huaisang.
“What did you do to shijie?!” barked Wei Wuxian.
Jin Zixuan’s lips were still sealed. “MMmMMmff!”
“Wangji-xiong, please help!” cried Nie Huaisang. He was struggling to keep Wei Wuxian and Jin Zixuan apart.
Lan Wangji pulled Wei Wuxian a few paces back. With a cold voice, he stated to Jin Zixuan, “Loud noises are prohibited.”
Nie Huaisang’s arm wrapped around Jin Zixuan’s neck pulling him close. “Calm down… Shhh…” He patted Jin Zixuan’s head a few times, soothing his back. “We’ll help you. Calm down, so you can tell us what happened,” hushed Nie Huaisang.
It took a moment until Jin Zixuan’s muffled screams were reduced to pitiful whimpers. Once he had quieted, Lan Wangji removed the silencing charm.
“I…I didn’t mean it,” cried Jin Zixuan. As soon as the charm was released, Jin Zixuan attempted to dash after Jiang Yanli. “I need to tell Jiang-guniang—”
Wei Wuxian immediately broke free and tackled him to the ground. “What did you do?”
“Jin-xiong, you can’t go to her right now,” warned Nie Huaisang.
“Males are prohibited from the female dormitories,” stated Lan Wangji.
Jin Zixuan shoved Wei Wuxian off himself and kneeled on the ground. “If Jiang-guniang won’t see me, I won’t get up!”
Wei Wuxian towered over him, kicking Jin Zixuan on the shoulder. “What did you do?” He was pulled aside by Lan Wangji.
“Jin-xiong, let’s talk about this first.” Nie Huaisang tugged at Jin Zixuan’s arms, failing to haul him to his feet. “There’s gold under a man’s knees.1 Please don’t do this.”
Jin Zixuan jerked his arm free and proceeded to continue kneeling. “I don’t care! If Jiang-guniang won’t see me, I refuse to get up.”
At a total loss, Nie Huaisang tapped his folded fan helplessly against his forehead. He looked to Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. “What do we do?”
Never mind the shame of kneeling, it was the middle of winter. It would be uncomfortable even with a golden core.
“We’ll send a message to Jiang-guniang. She can decide,” said Lan Wangji.
“If you did anything to hurt shijie, I won’t let you get away!” warned Wei Wuxian.
So, Jin Zixuan knelt.
He knelt outside through the frigid night.
Nie Huaisang had visited as the evening progressed to offer a cloak, food, and hot tea. Jin Zixuan refused them all.
‘I’ll stay here for as long as it takes.’
His hurtful words replayed in his mind. He couldn’t even remember what provoked him to say such things but only that her tear-stained face stared back at him and the pain he’d caused.
Frost seeped into his bones. His legs had long since grown numb from kneeling, but Jin Zixuan refused to cede. Two days passed without food and drink. Nie Huaisang was repeatedly unsuccessful at persuading him. The sun had begun to set on the third day.
As he knelt in the cold, a frightful thought entered his mind. Perhaps Jiang Yanli wouldn’t forgive him. Once the thought occurred, a sharp pain twisted inside.
Without realizing it, he’d grown accustomed to Jiang Yanli’s gentle presence. It wasn’t until she stayed with him that he’d realized how much he missed having someone to come home to.
The Mid-Autumn Festival2 at Jinlin Tai had been particularly difficult. It was Jin Zixuan’s first year without his family. There were no mooncakes3 and no festivities.4 Jin Zixuan had wandered Jinlin Tai alone before sitting under an osmanthus tree in the courtyard. He stared up at the desolate moon.
“Jin-gongzi?” Jiang Yanli’s soft voice called out.
At the edge of the courtyard, Jiang Yanli approached.
“Jiang-guniang.” Jin Zixuan bowed.
The old tree was large, and there was plenty of room to sit. With each autumn breeze, the sweet fragrance of osmanthus wafted sprinkling a gentle shower of golden flowers.
“You couldn’t sleep?” asked Jin Zixuan.
Jiang Yanli nodded. It was also her first Mid-Autumn Festival alone, and she was so far from home.
A moment passed before Jin Zixuan spoke again. “When I was little, my family ate mooncakes here. A-Xun’s favorite was date filling. He always liked sweet things.”
They both stared at the bright moon above.
“A-Die5 and A-Niang would take us to the pier to eat mooncakes,” said Jiang Yanli. Her family was small but when all the shidi and servants gathered, it was quite lively. “A-Die would tell us tales of Chang’e and Hou Yi.”6
The legends said that there were ten suns, scorching the earth. Hou Yi shot down nine of the ten suns and was praised by the people. As a reward, he received the elixir of immortality from the gods. A disciple lusted after the elixir and tried to steal it. Hou Yi’s wife, Chang’e, caught him and quickly swallowed the elixir. She became a goddess and flew away to the moon. From that day on, Hou Yi and his wife were eternally separated.
The Mid-Autumn Festival was a time when families looked forward to reunions, yet they were the last of their clans. Two kids, alone in the world.
“No matter how big the moon appears, we can only admire it from afar,” said Jin Zixuan. “Like Hou Yi yearning for Chang’e.”
“But no matter how far we go, the moon is always present even when we can’t see it.” Jiang Yanli’s hands clasped together in front of her chest. Her pale skin glowed under radiant moonlight. “Like our loved ones, so long as we think of them, they’ll always be with us.”
They’ll always be with us like the ever-present moon in the sky.
Together, the night seemed less desolate. Basked under silver moonlight, the world was a bit brighter.
Jin Zixuan began reciting Su Shi’s Shui Diao Ge Tou · Mingyue Jishi You.7 The sorrows and joys of an ever-changing life were perfectly encapsulated by his deep, resonating voice. The last couplet especially held poignant notes of optimism.
“Wishing us longevity to enjoy the beauty of the moon, though thousands of li apart.”
Those who have left would live on in their hearts. Jiang Yanli reminded him that there was still so much more to life. Two survivors but not alone. No matter where they were, they would always be under the same moon. To be safe and sound in a war-torn world was all anyone could ever hope for.
Jiang Yanli had always been kind to him since they were kids. Whenever Jin Zixuan and his mother visited, she was friendly and eager to play with him. Even after their engagement had been broken, Jiang Yanli offered steady encouragement. She gave him reasons for hope and reasons to endure.
But now, Jiang Yanli might not forgive him.
And then she wouldn’t be there anymore; Lanling would become empty again—an emptiness that filled his chest. Her soft smile and gentle words, he wouldn’t be able to experience those anymore.
Warm tears landed on the ground, one after the other.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Please don’t leave me.
Jin Zixuan whispered into his palms, and a flurry of glowing butterflies sprouted forth. Each one an apology to convey his sincerest remorse. The night was illuminated by their soft radiance. In quiet darkness, they fluttered to Jiang Yanli.
One by one, they gathered outside. Delicate wings beat against the tent. Those small embers flickered and danced. When Jiang Yanli finally stepped out, they blanketed her in their mild light.
Soft and gentle, they trickled in a stream leading her to Jin Zixuan.
“…”
“Jiang-guniang!” Jin Zixuan sprinted towards her. After days of kneeling without food and drink, his knees folded. Jin Zixuan fell forward.
“Jin-gongzi!” Jiang Yanli caught him, and they both tumbled to the ground.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
There was a chill deep in his being. He was frigid under her soft warm hands.
“You’ve been here ever since?” Jiang Yanli had heard from Nie Huaisang and Lan Wangji that Jin Zixuan had been kneeling outside. Wei Wuxian had also written letters demanding to know what had happened. She thought Jin Zixuan would’ve given up and moved on.
His lips were pale. Although Jin Zixuan was a healthy young man, the days of turmoil wore away at his constitution. His spiritual energy wasn’t channeled properly to ward off the cold.
“I wanted to apologize,” explained Jin Zixuan.
Jin-furen and Jin Guangshan had doted on their son as their most precious treasure. He was rarely ever punished and at most only given a stern scolding. Jiang Yanli never imagined he would kneel outside for days waiting for her.
“We need to get you inside. You’ll catch a cold like this.” She pulled Jin Zixuan’s arms to haul him to his feet, but he resisted.
“I deserve it,” admitted Jin Zixuan. His eyes were downcast. “Please don’t hate me.” There was a faint quiver in his voice. “I know I hurt you… I’m sorry. But please…don’t ignore me, and please don’t leave me. I’m sorry.”
The words were clumsy and quiet. Jin Zixuan was a gongzi from a prominent clan. He’d never apologized to anyone before. For a moment, he seemed small, like a lost child.
“I don’t know why I said those things.” His hands scrunched in his lap. “I’m really sorry.” Besides apologizing, there was nothing else he knew to say. He could only repeat the same few words. “I’m sorry… I’m really sorry…”
A warm hand cupped his face. Jiang Yanli guided him to his feet as butterflies danced around them. The waxing moon glowed faintly in the background.
“Let’s get you inside.”
“You’re not mad anymore?” asked Jin Zixuan.
Jiang Yanli shook her head.
One simple gesture and an immense weight had been lifted. A smile broke across his face, and there was a warm wetness running down his cheeks.
Jiang Yanli’s fingers brushed aside his tears. “Silly…why are you crying?”
Jin Zixuan shook his head and grasped Jiang Yanli’s wrist, pressing her palm against his cheek.
“Jiang-guniang???” Nie Huaisang’s voice startled them.
Jin Zixuan immediately dropped her hand, turning away. His palms hastily wiped aside any remnants of his tears.
The butterflies vaporized, and the three of them stood in an awkward silence, neither one daring to speak or look at each other. Nie Huaisang hid behind his fan. His face burned as though he’d witnessed something incredibly intimate. Just as he turned to run away, Jin Zixuan’s voice rang out.
“Nie-xiong!”
A rough arm forcefully wrapped around his shoulders.
Jin Zixuan turned to Jiang Yanli. “Nie-xiong will walk me back. It’s getting late. You should also return to your room as well.”
Jin Zixuan’s fingers dug into Nie Huaisang’s upper arm like a silent warning.
Nie Huaisang quickly yelped, “Y-Yes! D-Don’t worry Jiang-guniang! I’ll walk him back. You take care now. Goodnight!”
As he was dragged away, Nie Huaisang had the chilling fear that his life might come to an imminent end.
