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Draco finally caved and bought one of those muggle telephones everyone is going on about, though he doesn’t quite understand how it works yet.
He was told he could type any name into the telephone and it would show him their profile. So why isn’t it working?
Image 1 description:
Twitter user Draco Malfoy (username @ Draco Malfoy 2761) with a blank default profile picture posts a series of tweets for the first time.
Tweet one: Hermione Granger.
Tweet two: Hermione Granger.
Tweet three: Hermione Jean Granger.
Tweet four: Hermione J Granger.
Twitter user ‘Mione (username @ Hermione Granger) tweets: Um?
Twitter user Theo (username @ Nott your man) tweets: Who’s gonna tell him? LOL.
Image 2 description:
Instagram user Draco Malfoy 8826570 with a blank default profile picture posts a blurry accidental selfie, with the caption ‘Hermione Granger’.
Draco finally finds Hermione’s profile on Twitter, though he can’t understand how to get the pesky telephone to save her pictures for… later use.
Image 3 description:
Back on Twitter, Draco quote tweets a selfie Hermione posted three months earlier. His quote tweet reads: Save picture.
Image 4 description:
There are a series of replies under Draco’s tweet.
Pans (username @ Parkinson) replies: LOG OUT PLEASE.
Verified user Harry Potter (username @ boy who lived) replies: I shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as I am.
Ginevra (username @ Ginnnnny) replies: HORNY ON MAIN.
Zabini (username @ B Zabini) replies: Now would be a good time to learn how to answer my phone calls, Malfoy.
Theo replies to Zabini: NO. DON’T TELL HIM. DON’T RUIN MY FUN.
Hermione replies to Draco: Have you been hacked?
After his success on Twitter, Draco tries this ‘Face Book’ instead, hoping it will be easier to navigate. Sure enough, when he types Hermione’s name, her profile shows up.
He wonders what else he can search for…
Image 5 description:
On Facebook, Draco Malfoy posts a status. The status has a yellow background decorated with heart-eye emojis and text that reads: Hermione Granger—tagging her in this post.
Below this, Hermione comments: Can I help you?
Draco replies: No.
Draco has posted three other comments below his own post, as follows:
Draco: Big tits.
Draco: Boobs.
Draco: Naked woman big tits.
Back on Twitter, Draco isn’t sure what everyone is laughing at, so he tries to join in on the conversation…
Images 6 and 7 description:
Theo posts a tweet that reads: EVERYONE RUN TO FACEBOOK RIGHT NOW HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Harry replies: Big tits.
Hermione replies: This isn’t funny, Theodore.
Theo replies to Hermione: YES IT IS.
Zabini replies: I give up trying to help him.
Draco replies: What are your laughing at?
Theo replies to Draco: You.
Draco: ssssss
Draco: Why.
Hermione: Check your messages please, Malfoy.
Draco: What do you want, Granger?
Blaise: LMAO.
Images 8 and 9 description:
Ron posts a tweet that reads: Obsessed much?
Theo replies: The pot calling the kettle black.
Ginevra replies to Theo: LOL.
Draco replies to Ron with an accidental key smash: hhhhhhhhhj.
Ron replies to Draco: Fuck off Malfoy.
Draco sends an accidental blurry picture of his chin in response.
Ron: What the fuck is this a picture of?
Draco: Leave me alone.
Draco finally figures out how to take a screenshot…
Image 10 description:
Draco tweets a screenshot of one of Hermione’s tweets, posted four months earlier. In her tweet is a selfie, captioned: Cheesin’.
Images 11 and 12 description:
Theo replies to Draco: NOT THE SCREENSHOT AHAHAHAHA.
Luna replies: Hello Draco Malfoy, I see you are quite enamoured with Hermione (10 pink heart emojis punctuate her tweet).
Draco replies to Luna: No I’m not. Why would you think that?
Hermione replies to Draco: PLEASE check your messages, Malfoy.
Ginevra replies to Hermione: Shhhh you heard Luna, he’s enamoured.
Draco: babb. (attached to Draco’s tweet is a gif that reads: Happy Birthday).
Ginny: Not my birthday but thank you.
Draco sees that Granger is telling him to check his messages, whatever that means. He searches his telephone, however he makes a terrible mistake along the way…
Images 13 and 14 description:
Draco Malfoy posts a new tweet with the hashtag New Profile Pic. In this tweet is a picture of his new profile picture—the body part in the picture is ambiguous. However it can be surmised as a pale, naked chest, with one nipple on show, and an armpit.
Draco replies to his own tweet: Delete.
Theo replies: Nipple looking good, bro.
Draco: How do I get rid?
Theo: You can’t, it’s attached to your body forever.
Draco: Njj.
Draco: How to get rid of picture.
Ron: Delete your whole account.
Draco: Go away.
Draco tries a different method to find these fabled ‘messages’…
Images 15 and 16 description:
An image of the twitter timeline.
Harry Potter tweets: Hashtag Free the Nipple.
Ginevra tweets: @ Hermione Granger he posted a sneak peek for you.
Hermione tweets: I hate @ Ginny.
Draco Malfoy tweets: Message Hermione Granger.
Draco Malfoy tweets: Message
Draco Malfoy tweets: @ Hermione Granger message.
Under Draco’s final tweet is a series of replies.
Pansy replies: You’re embarrassing yourself.
Hermione replies: Close twitter (please) and open the app called ‘Facebook Messenger’.
Ginevra replies: OMG THE TAG HE’S EVOLVING.
Theo replies to Ginevra: HE’S GROWING UP SO FAST I HAVE A TEAR IN MY EYE.
Image 17 description:
Theo tweets: That’s right, slide in those DMs @ Draco Malfoy 2761.
Draco replies: What?
At long last, Draco finds his messages. But a horrifying realisation awaits him…
Images 18, 19, and 20 description:
A private conversation between Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy on facebook messenger.
Hermione: Malfoy why are you tweeting my name?
Hermione: And on Instagram, too?
Hermione: Are you drunk?
Hermione: Hello?
Hermione: ???
Hermione: ‘Big tits’? Really, Malfoy? You’re so bloody immature.
Hermione: Why are you ignoring my messages?
Draco: shggg.
Hermione: As eloquent a response as that is, I do require further explanation.
Draco: Why?
Hermione: Why are you tweeting, instagramming, and facebook statusing my name?
Draco: Are you speaking English?
Draco: I don’t und.
Draco: I don’t understand any of those words.
Hermione: On twitter, the app with the blue bird, you have posted “Hermione Granger” at least a dozen times in variations. Everyone can see that, you know. They’re asking me why you’re posting it, as if I have any clue what goes on in that incredibly dense head of yours. So I would appreciate an explanation for all of this.
Draco: Exit chat.
Draco: End.
Draco: Delete.
Draco: Delete it.
Draco: Help.
Draco: Delete twitter.
Draco: Blue bird.
Draco: Kill blue bird.
Hermione: I can see these messages, Malfoy.
Image 21 description:
Draco Malfoy posts a facebook status. The status has a brown background decorated with poo emojis. The status reads: Help.
Draco replies: Delete.
Blaise Zabini replies: The time for helping you has long passed, Mate.
Draco is panicking. He has royally embarrassed himself and he is now on a mission to undo the mess he has gotten himself into. He returns to the Cursed blue bird app…
Image 22 description:
An image of the twitter timeline.
Draco Malfoy retweets Harry Potter’s tweet: Hashtag Free the Nipple.
Draco Malfoy retweets Hermione Granger’s tweet: Summer ‘11, you’ve been good. (Attached is a picture of Hermione outside in the sunshine).
Draco Malfoy tweets: Delete.
Draco Malfoy tweets: Delete blue bird.
Theo tweets: Noooo, who told him?
Image 23 and 24 description:
Draco tweets: @ Theodore Nott, help.
Theo replies: That’s not my username, that’s a random man hahahahahaha.
Draco: No, it’s your name.
Theo: It’s… never mind. What do you need help with, my cherub?
Draco: I need to delete blue bird from telephone.
Theo: BLUE BIRD? DO YOU MEAN TWITTER? HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Draco accidentally replies with a link to Hermione’s instagram.
Draco: Yes.
Twitter user Theodore Nott (username @ Theodore Nott) replies: Hello?
Image 25 description:
Ginevra tweets: Nobody tell him how to delete his tweets, I’ll never forgive you.
Luna replies: I like his tweets, they’re a monument of his love. (Luna’s tweet is punctuated by 10 pink heart emojis).
Draco replies: Help.
Harry replies to Draco: No.
Hermione replies: Ginny…
Draco is given some advice…
Image 26 description:
A private conversation between Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy on facebook messenger.
Draco: s.
Hermione: Get off twitter please.
Hermione: We can talk about this, just stop panicking.
Hermione: It’s not an actual bird, you can’t just kill it like your secrets will die with it.
Draco: You said bird.
Hermione: NOT A LITERAL BIRD.
Draco: You’re crazy.
Hermione: ME?
Draco: Yes.
Image 27 description:
A private conversation between Theodore Nott and Draco Malfoy on facebook messenger.
Draco: Help me.
Draco: Kill blue bird.
Theo: Don’t know how to, sorry.
Draco: You lying.
Theo: I’m not.
Theo: You should ask google.
Draco: Who is google?
Theo: Google is a muggle god.
Theo: They know everything.
Theo: Try it.
Theo: Ask them anything you want to know.
Image 28 and 29 description:
Draco Malfoy posts a status on facebook. The status has a pink background decorated with love hearts. The status says: Destroy blue bird. Beneath this, it says: Google help.
Draco comments: How to.
Ron replies: Bombarda your phone.
Theo: WEASLEY, SHUT UP. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO HIM?
Neville comments: You alright, mate? Seems like you’re having a bit of a breakdown.
Luna replies to Neville: Draco Malfoy is in love with Hermione Granger, but he’s having some trouble expressing his feelings at the moment. (Luna’s comment is punctuated by 11 pink heart emojis).
Draco: No.
Luna: Your heart will be free once you accept your love and then Hermione’s heart can sour in tandem. (Luna’s comment is punctuated by 14 pink heart emojis).
Pansy: I truly can’t believe I’m saying this, but listen to Lovegood. Speak to Granger about this infuriating infatuation of yours and put us all out of our misery. Please.
Draco decides to speak to Granger. He’s already humiliated himself as much as he possibly can. What else could go wrong?
Image 30 description:
A private conversation between Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy on facebook messenger.
Draco: Hello.
Hermione: Yes?
Draco: Have I been obvious?
Hermione: Very.
Hermione: But it’s not a bad thing.
Hermione: I’m actually flattered.
Hermione: I mean…
Hermione: You’re not too bad on the eyes yourself. Shame you seem to struggle taking pictures of yourself…
Draco: hhsw.
Draco: oshbb.
Draco: sii.
Draco: p.
Image 31 description:
On facebook, Draco posts: Google.
Draco comments: How do flirt?
Draco: How to speak to woman.
Draco: Picture of myself. How to.
Draco: Is 6 inches small?
Image 32 description:
A private conversation between Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy on facebook messenger.
Hermione: Are you okay?
Draco: Fine.
Hermione: You do realise google is on a different site?
Draco: What?
Draco: No.
Hermione: Everyone can see you asking questions.
Draco: I will kill Theo.
Draco: And blue bird.
Hermione: What?
Hermione: Draco?
Hermione: Hello?
Hermione: …perhaps I should just owl you.
Draco pays Theo a visit…
Images 33, 34, 35, and 36 description:
An image of the twitter timeline.
Theo tweets: Guys, I told him google is a muggle god LMAO.
Ginevra tweets: “Is 6 inches small”. I’M PISSING HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Zabini tweets: Down BAD.
Harry Potter tweets: How do flirt.
Draco Malfoy tweets: Open floo @ Theodore Nott.
Theo replies to Draco: Yeah @ Theodore Nott, open floo.
Draco: No you open if.
Theo: Open if…?
Draco replies with a minion gif.
Luna: I believe Draco would like to visit you, Theo. (Luna’s tweet is punctuated by 18 pink heart emojis)
Draco: Yes.
Theo: I’m not in.
Theo: WAIT. SHIT. HE’S AT THE DOOR. IF YOU NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN HE’S KILLED ME. GOODBYE.
Twitter user @ Theodore Nott replies: I’m blocking you.
Draco replies with a close-up picture of his mouth.
Theo delivers some bad news…
Images 37 and 38 description:
An image of the twitter timeline.
Ginevra tweets: It’s been a long time I’m getting worried.
Pansy tweets: Peace and quiet at last.
Harry Potter tweets: I think I just witnessed homicide on the TL.
Theo tweets: I have some bad news…
Attached to Theo’s tweet is a picture of an iPhone on fire.
Ginevra replies: No… please tell me it’s not.
Theo: It is. RIP.
Ron replies: Thank Merlin it’s over.
Pansy: Seconded.
Image 39 description:
Ginevra tweets: Fly high.
An image is attached to her tweet. It is a screenshot of Draco’s twitter profile pasted onto a background of the sky, two white doves frame the screenshot. Below it is text that reads ‘In loving memory’.
On the screenshot of Draco’s profile, his pinned tweet reads: Hermione Jean Granger. The link in his bio reads: Hermione Granger. And he is only following one account, despite having 1258 followers.
Theo replies to Ginny’s tweet: I miss him.
Zabini replies to Theo: Shut up, Theo. You’re the one that drove him to bombarda his phone.
Sometimes it’s best to stick with what you know…
Image 40 description:
An image of the twitter timeline.
Hermione tweets: Back to the basics, I suppose.
Attached to her tweet is an image of Hermione booping an owl on its beak.
Theo tweets: Wait, what?
Zabini tweets: There is no way he’s actually got the girl from that.
Luna tweets: And their hearts shall sing! (Her tweet is punctuated by 10 pink heart emojis).
Image 41 description:
A handwritten letter from Draco to Hermione.
Granger,
I suppose Lovegood was correct when she implied that I am rather enamoured with you. I would be a fool to deny it now, after my affections were so plain for all to see. I would like to take you to dinner, if that is agreeable with you, if only to put me out of the eternal misery my heart finds itself in.
Yours, Draco.
P.S. It has come to my attention that destroying my telephone did not destroy my fumbling on the interweb. If you are aware of the location of this big blue bird that controls this madness, please respond promptly.
Draco Lucius Malfoy. Draco L Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.
Image 42 description:
An image of the twitter timeline.
Hermione tweets: Draco Malfoy.
Hermione tweets: Draco L Malfoy.
Hermione tweets: Draco Lucius Malfoy.
Theo tweets: OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.
Ginevra tweets: SIMP.
Image 43 description:
On instagram, Hermione posts a selfie of herself and Draco, his cheek resting on her shoulder.
The picture is captioned: Draco Lucius Malfoy.
THE END
