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If Damian was known for one thing above all else, he was known to be rather reserved when it came to physical affection. That reservation tended to present itself in the form of aggression, particularly the major wound causing kind. So, it was no wonder the entire family—and the stragglers like Brown and Gordon—didn't try to hug or even initiate physical contact with Damian anymore.
That didn't bother Damian. When he’d first moved into the manor, he’d had enough trouble as it was trying to adjust to the complete 180 of instruction. Living in Wayne Manor (and even being Robin) was a stark difference to how Damian was expected to behave in the League. It was... disconcerting at first.
Now, though? Damian finally felt like he fit in, even if only a little. He supposed he had Grayson to thank for that—the man was ridiculously extroverted. Grayson also never gave up on Damian, no matter how difficult he was as a Robin or when his control inevitably slipped and he ended up maiming someone. Well, nearly maiming someone, because Grayson always seemed to be there to stop him.
There was just one problem. Though Grayson was an insanely tactile person, he never crossed Damian's boundaries. Well, boundaries that had existed at one point in time. Now, they seemed to have changed, because Damian wanted to hug Grayson. It wasn't as if they had never hugged before, but those hugs in the past usually ended with a stab in the back. And not the metaphorical kind.
So, Damian wanted a hug. Unfortunately their unorthodox family—including Grayson—were not the best at communicating their feelings. Maybe it was the bat training, or Father's inability to be emotionally available, or maybe their various pasts had taught them to bury those feelings. Whatever it was didn't really matter in Damian's book. Just... how do people communicate their feelings?
After some good old-fashioned internet sleuthing on his private laptop, Damian found the key to answering his question and initiating a hug with Grayson. All thanks to Drake, who had mentioned something about a "Wiki-how". Damian didn't even have to search for long! First step of many: learning how to express feelings.
Part One: Self Awareness
- Accept your feelings.
In Damian's opinion, the first step was unusually easy. He never had a problem accepting his feelings—even if they usually equaled anger. Despite that, the next time he started feeling pissed at Todd, he followed the article's advice. ' I am feeling angry, and that is acceptable ,' Damian thought to himself, before he launched himself at Todd, dagger in hand.
Damian had to admit, the advice seemed pretty straightforward. Sure, Todd wasn't very accepting of Damian's feelings, but it wasn't Damian's fault that the man wouldn't let him bring Bat-cow inside.
- Recognize how your body is reacting to your feelings.
Damian hadn't meant to cross this step off the list in the way that he did. It had started with one of his and Jon's weekly outings—something that had become commonplace in recent months. This time, they were going to a drive-in theater, something Jon had sworn was "a peak teenage experience". Damian had scoffed at the claim, but he still agreed. Jon had even managed to convince Damian to go see the movie back in Kansas, "for the best vibes".
So, there they sat, in the back of Jon's red pickup truck that looked seconds from falling apart. In front of them, a movie Damian couldn't bother to remember the name of played on a large screen. He watched with rapt attention, dissecting every incorrect martial arts move the main character pulled off. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened until Damian scoffed a little too loudly at one of the moves.
"What's wrong?" Jon, ever the people pleaser, asked. Damian looked over, unintentionally making eye contact with the other. He didn't back down, however, because that would make Damian weak. And he's anything but weak.
"Tt- these imbeciles do not know how to perform simple maneuvers," Damian grumbled, immediately going on a rant about the inaccuracies of the movie. He was only stopped by a barely concealed chuckle from Jon. "What is it, Kent?" Damian questioned accusingly.
"Nothing, nothing! I," Jon paused, like he was considering what he should say next, "I just think it's really cute when you ramble about things you know a lot about." Cute?
What happened next, Damian would swear Jon to secrecy about. Because, unbidden, Damian's face started heating up like he was in a sudden heatwave. It wasn't normal for him, whatever the feeling was. Even worse, his hands were starting to get clammy too. Which reminded him of something Grayson had asked once, something about how Damian expressed anxiety. He hadn't thought about it before, but he distantly remembered one of the symptoms Grayson described as clammy hands.
Was Damian anxious ? No... there was something else there. His face was hot, like how one of the girls at school claimed she felt when she was complimented. Oh, no. Damian was embarrassed .
- Learn the vocabulary of feelings.
Damian wanted to skip this step, knowing he was way more well articulated than his brothers. Anyone could tell in the way he spoke compared to them that he was clearly superior in the English language. Todd disagreed, but even that Jane Austen dweeb paled in comparison to Damian's skill. Even so, Damian pulled up a chart of different words for different feelings, and began reading.
"Oh my gods, Damiii! Are you reading a feelings chart ?" Grayson's voice exclaimed from behind him. It was at that moment that Damian regretted doing his research in the common area of the bat-cave. In his defense, he hadn't expected anyone to be around at that hour, given most of the bats were out fighting crime or sleeping.
"No," Damian snapped, slamming the laptop shut a little too hard. He didn't even bother to glance back as he stalked his way to the bedroom, valiantly ignoring the little "I'm proud of you" Grayson yelled in the distance.
- Ask yourself why you are feeling a certain way.
and
- Dissect complicated emotions.
Suddenly, the steps had become much more difficult, all with one sentence. It would be an understatement to say that Damian rarely looked into the depth of his emotions. He had his way of dealing with emotions, and that was that. Even if that way involved either shoving them aside or resorting to violence.
Some time passed before Damian was able to actually remember to put this particular step into effect, since every time he remembered he had already ended up in a state of apathy. It was right after a patrol with Robin, Red Hood, and Nightwing when he finally got to put this step to use. An odd grouping, especially considering Todd's tendency to go it alone, but Batman was preoccupied so it was a necessary evil.
Damian had already pulled off his domino mask, grimacing when his body hissed in pain as he moved. Their mission had gone slightly off the rails, so all of them were exhausted and beat up.
"I'm only letting you do this because you saved my ass out there, big bird. Don't get any funny ideas," Todd growled, voice slightly echoing in the cave. Damian turned around to see Grayson draped over Todd like a blanket.
Everything suddenly felt like it was dumped in ice. Damian could feel the familiar surge of anger overtake him, but it was accompanied by something else. Why was he even feeling angry? All Grayson did was hug Todd. Why would Damian...? Oh, he was angry because Grayson hugged Todd. Because... Damian wanted to be hugged by Grayson.
He barely held back a full body shudder at that thought, slightly mortified by the idea that he was upset that he wasn't receiving physical affection. Even worse, he just knew that the other indecipherable feeling was jealousy. Since when did Damian feel jealous of Todd of all people!?
Part Two: Interpersonal Expression
- Use "I" statements.
- Initiate a conversation about feelings with others.
and
- Communicate to others clearly.
Time to do the thing that Damian was ultimately dreading: working on expressing his feelings to someone else . He wasn't going to initiate the physical affection part of his plan yet, no, he needed to do way more research before he did that. So, he was going to start with something simple. He was going to... thank Grayson.
Damian was pacing, feeling like a caged animal as he waited for Grayson to finish whatever he was working on at the bat-computer. After what felt like hours, Grayson stretched and then turned around in the swivel desk chair. "Hey little D, what's up?" He sounded concerned, leaning a little forward in his seat.
Forcing himself to stop pacing, Damian marched up to Grayson. "Grayson. I appreciate you for letting me be your Robin." The words were stilted and painful to get across, but Damian's brother didn't seem to notice as his eyes widened in shock.
"Oh! Thank you—"
"I am not done," Damian interrupted, thinking back to the article. Now is the "I" statement they speak of, where you explain the emotion, behavior, and why . "I feel... valued... when you call me your Robin, because it shows that you see me in a high regard."
Grayson started tearing up at an alarming rate, sniffling as he wiped away the droplets. " Dami, I— " And that was as prepared for this conversation as Damian was, especially since he had no idea how to deal with tears . So, he did the only thing he could think of: run back to his room to figure out the next steps.
After some research on WikiHow on "How to Comfort Someone Who Is Crying", Damian is confident enough to admit that he did not handle Grayson's unexpected tears in the best way. Maybe he should try again…? No, he would just move on to the next steps.
- Listen to others when they talk to you.
and
- Take deep breaths.
These steps seemed simple, especially since Damian was used to listening to Father when he was in "Batdad’s overprotective mode", as Grayson so eloquently described it. Though, “taking deep breaths" didn't really make sense to Damian—who needed to take deep breaths to think logically? Damian has trained to naturally rely on logic as opposed to his emotions.
For example, when Damian stabs Todd, he has a completely logical reason behind it. Like that one time when Todd stole a cookie from Damian, which forced him to resort to violence in order to retrieve what was rightfully his. Or that other time, when Todd laughed at Damian after getting a higher score in the VR training system Father had installed. Damian was simply proving that if it were to be a real battle, he would still come out on top.
Safe to say, Damian had both of these steps down solid.
- Surround yourself with trusted and positive people.
Boring, in Damian's opinion. How could you trust anyone in this life? He ignored the voice in the back of his mind that whispered that he trusted Grayson. Whatever, next step.
- Seek professional help if you are struggling with expressing your emotion.
Considering Drake was raving about this website the other day—not that Damian really heard what he said—this was a pretty reputable source. Therefore, he was seeking professional help by engaging in this article.
Part Three: Private Expression
- Meditate
Mother had always meditated back in the League, so Damian was intimately familiar with this step. He had never seen the point of it when he was younger, but a small—vaguely sentimental—part of him decided to try it anyway.
So, he found a place in one of the many empty living rooms Wayne Manor possessed, and began to breathe deeply. The silence around him was calming, allowing him to delve into the depths of his mind when he breathed out.
"Oh my god, are you meditating ?!" Damian's eyes flew open at the sudden voice, quickly jumping to his feet and whirling around. There, in the doorway, stood Drake with a stupid grin on his face like he had just won a battle; As if Drake could win anything.
"Tt—I am not ," Damian denied vehemently.
"Dick is never going to believe me!" Drake exclaimed, before an evil grin washed over his face. "Good thing I got a picture~" Drake was out of the room before Damian could fully process. Once he did though? Well, maybe the meditation wasn't nearly as effective as it was said to be.
- Write your feelings down.
Yeah, no. Damian still fully agreed with the League's sentiment that anything documented could be used against you in the future. Sure, they were referring to actual recordings rather than written-down feelings, but he presumed it applied all the same.
Damian would also pass on this step because, knowing Grayson, there was already a journal tucked away somewhere that explained more than enough emotions for the two of them.
- Engage in exercise.
Honestly, if Damian knew he was already doing the important steps like this one, maybe he could have moved on to the next part of his plan. Even so, Damian made sure to push himself extra hard in training and patrol for the next week—in order to prepare for the conversation with Grayson.
- Treat yourself.
Damian wasn't sure how to go about this particular step. Sure, he used to find joy from stabbing people, but now all that violence just reminded him of the pitiful expression Grayson would send his way anytime he partook in it.
Then, Alfred reminded him to tend to Bat-cow for the day. When he finally got her within his sight, he remembered something that always put him in a good mood: animals. Damian allowed himself to enjoy the feeling, happily cleaning Bat-cow's stable before putting more food and water out for her.
Next, for the second part of this step—reward positive feelings by "treating yourself". After easily swiping a credit card from Father, Damian headed for the local animal shelter, ready to acquire his reward.
An hour after entering, he exited with another pet cat. In his opinion, the best reward for a good mood. And Father couldn't stay angry with him long, surely.
- Visualize different options of expressing your feelings in a given situation.
Out of all steps, Damian conceded this was one of the more logical ones. It's always been helpful for him to consider different ways he could execute certain situations. Even Grayson had stressed to think of ways other than listening to his anger when expressing himself. So, he imagined the current brother that was grating on his nerves that day: Todd.
Option One: Damian's go-to solution to his brotherly issues, simply stab the man when he was unable to defend himself. It was quick, easy, and usually got his point across quite nicely.
Option Two: Rather than simply causing bodily harm, Damian could simply execute Todd. It's not as if he hadn't risen from the dead before. Though, Damian would probably get in trouble later. And he (may) regret killing the man.
Option Three: Communicate with... words . Even worse than the murder idea, though more because Todd was emotionally incompetent (not to mention, so was Damian). In the end, option three would probably lead to option two, though Todd may start it in that case.
So, option one it was. Good to know Damian was picking the right way to deal with situations.
Major Step 2: How to Stop Fearing Rejection
Thanks to Damian's newfound ability to recognize and express his feelings, he realized one major issue, the whole reason why he was afraid to speak with Grayson; Damian was afraid he would be rejected. It wasn't an unfounded fear, so he wasn't ashamed to admit it in the depths of his mind. After all, he had basically been rejected by his mother and dropped off with a father who couldn't care less for him.
Part One: Learning to Deal with Rejection
- Stay calm and rational.
Easily said and done; Damian prided himself on his ability to rationalize situations. Not so much the calm part of the step, but he could work on that a different day. Mostly, he just didn't really want to try to stay calm, especially because his brothers deserved his wrath.
- Start journaling.
Blah, blah, blah, beneficial for cognitive reflection. Whatever. If another WikiHow page told Damian to start journaling, he was going to hunt down whoever ran them and threaten them. Ha, how do you feel about that WikiHow? Damian has even acknowledged how he feels and why.
- Identify a tendency toward "all or nothing" thinking.
Fine. Damian feels that if he asks Grayson to hug him, then they will never get along ever again. The "all or nothing" aspect is that Grayson proves that he likes Damian only if he hugs him. Now, refute and identify the positive. You know what? No, Damian is absolutely done with this article.
Major Step 3: How to Like and Initiate Hugs
After his less than stellar experience with the last article, Damian was hoping this article could be just a little more helpful. It was time to enact the final step of his plan: hug Grayson.
Method One: Practicing Hugging
- Hug your pillow.
He wasn't sure how hugging a pillow was supposed to help, but he supposed he could try. As the instructions said, he tried to relax into the hug as he sat on his bed. It felt awkward though, at least until he imagined the pillow as a person.
Suddenly, Damian was engulfed by the warmth of a fictional Grayson. He had practically memorized Grayson's heartbeat, so he could almost hear it as he pressed his face against the pillow. And then he heard the creak of his bedroom door.
Dropping the pillow like he had been burned, he turned to see a shocked Bruce standing in the doorway. Damian felt his face flush in embarrassment. "What do you want, Father?" He growled, thrown off his normal rhythm.
"You okay there, chum?"
"Tt—of course I am Father." Bruce didn't look convinced. There was a beat of silence, and if Father was anyone else, Damian was sure his mouth would be opening and closing as he considered what to say.
"Well," The older man coughed awkwardly, "Bat-cave in 10."
Damian nodded in dismissal, and Father had no qualms in fleeing the situation.
Method Two: Ignore WikiHow
- Just wing it.
After that particularly embarrassing interaction with Father, as well as the countless other times Damian had been caught in the middle of his steps, he decided it was finally time to abandon WikiHow. And, as Todd often said, "just wing it" (though Damian is pretty sure he mostly said that just because of the pun, which pissed Father off). Anyway, it was time to finally corner Grayson, and assert Damian's boundaries.
Even after deciding to carry out his entire plan, it took another week before Damian was able to convince himself to invite Grayson to his room. Normally, Grayson would be the one who knocked on Damian's door to be let in, but this time the boy invited him in under the guise of seeing a new painting he was working on (not knowing the painting was already complete).
Grayson was only mildly surprised when Damian initiated contact with him, dragging him along by his hand all the way to Damian's bedroom (which was more like a studio apartment). Damian didn't stop until they stood in front of the latest painting Damian had completed. It was just, at some point Damian knew he would never be able to say what he needed to. That wasn't who he was.
So, there, in the painting, was everything Damian wished to share. The longing to be affectionate with Grayson, how confused he was at the emotions he was feeling, and even the fear that he would be rejected. Grayson had always understood Damian's art in ways other people never could, so there was no doubt that his painting would be interpreted correctly and in its entirety.
At some point, as Grayson's eyes raced over the art, Damian had stepped away from him. Familiar sweaty palms greeted him as he clenched his fist, and he could feel his face warming up. Time felt like it had slowed while Damian watched Grayson's back, nervous for his response. This was it—the older man's response would either make or break Damian.
"Dami—" Grayson's voice broke, and that's when Damian knew he had messed up. That was confirmed when the man turned around, tears rolling down his cheeks with no sign of stopping.
"I am sorry, Richard, I did not mean to upset you," Damian desperately responded, trying not to let his own eyes become misty. So much for getting over that fear of rejection. Grayson took a step toward Damian, causing him to take a step back.
"Oh, Dami, come here," Grayson murmured softly, opening his arms up in a hugging motion. Wait, a hugging motion ? Damian barely processed it before he flung himself into Grayson. The man didn't budge an inch when all of Damian's weight hit him. Arms enveloped Damian, and he could easily say that the practice hug was nothing compared to a real one.
They stood like that for a while, before Grayson began to pull away. Damian held on tighter, unwilling to let his brother go. "Please, just a little bit longer," He whispered.
"Of course, Dami."