Chapter Text
His hands were shaking as he watched the crumpled body on the ground just a few meters away from him. The immense need to comfort the other pulled at his core as the scared grey eyes pierced into his soul.
“Remus! Please, help me!” Sirius pleaded.
His black hair fell across his face, barely hiding the suffering that was evident on his features. It caused almost physical pain for Remus just to witness it. Without thinking, he crossed the distance in less than a heartbeat and embraced the disheveled body of his boyfriend, pulling him as close as he could in the safety he could provide with his own body. Every cell in him was aching to protect him, even with the dangers preying on them still unknown.
And then he heard the laugh.
The most gut-wrenching sound in the world. That dry, joyless laugh coming from the depths of Sirius’ chest.
Remus pulled away so fast that it caused him to lose balance, and fell painfully on his back. Now, he could clearly see that the beloved face wasn’t helpless and suffering anymore. Sirius was laughing as the blood dripped from his hands and clothes.
How did he not notice till now that they were all there?
Behind the person he once believed to be the love of his life were laying the lifeless bodies. James. Lily. Peter.
“What’s it, Remus?” Sirius reached out for him, the sweetest smile on his lips ruined by the crimson blood now running down his face. “Don’t you want to kiss your boyfriend? You still love me, right, Moony?”
Remus jerked awake in his bed with a cry. His whole body was shivering as he fell back on his pillow, the memories from just moments ago mixing with reality. It had been a nightmare, but it definitely wasn’t just a dream.
He remembered the big fight but not the reason it broke out. It was coming for days; the stress and anxiety from the war, Marlene’s death, Regulus’s death, James’s parents, Sirius being so reckless all the time, and everything else was building the tension between them. Sirius changed so much... He was angry and impulsive, and Remus couldn’t do anything to stop him. Sirius didn’t even listen when he pleaded with him to be more cautious. He didn’t care if he got hurt, and Remus couldn’t stand aside and watch it anymore.
It was an evening after a Death Eater attack. Sirius almost died that day. Again.
The sixth time just since James and Lily went into hiding a month ago, despite Remus begging him to be careful. He didn’t want to stay and watch him being killed like this.
It was the wrong thing to say, as it turned out. It all quickly evolved into a huge argument.
In the end, Sirius stormed out of their shared flat. Remus was shouting after him, telling him how sorry he was, begging him not to leave...
Sirius turned back for only a moment, and Remus could see the wet lines shining on his face like silver ribbons reflecting the light from the street lamps above the flushed skin.
“I can’t do this. It’s over,” he choked out, his face mirroring back the same pain Remus felt. At least back then, he thought so... Maybe he just misread the pity?
“I love you, Moony.” The crack from the apparition echoed on the street.
Those were the last words his lover said to him. Another fucking lie.
---
Almost a month has passed, a day just like any other, when Remus returned home from shopping to find the lights on in the flat. However, the hope for Sirius’s return was cruelly crushed as soon as he found Alice Longbottom standing in the cramped living room with a stern face.
She pulled out her wand, pointing at his neck.
“What was the first thing you told me when they introduced me to you?”
Remus already knew this meant bad news, but he still frantically searched his memory for the answer. It was at James’s home, a New Year’s Eve party, before joining the Order...
“I like your hair,” he blurted out.
“Thanks, Merlin, you are alright.” She pulled him into a tight embrace. This was the first time she hugged him.
“What happened?” Remus pulled away immediately, a cold feeling settling in his stomach. Something was terribly wrong, and this was not a social visit. At least, that was painfully obvious.
Suspicions flashed behind her eyes as she stepped back with her wand at ready “Where is Sirius?”
The flicker of fear and worry Remus felt since their break up, not knowing anything about the other man, was suddenly threatening to increase into a blind panic and overwhelm him.
“We fought... He- He left four weeks ago, he didn’t come home...” the tears filled his eyes. Her asking this question could only mean one thing: “Do you know how it happened? Did he...?”
“We have to go to the Ministry,” she answered with sorrow in her voice as she avoided the amber eyes begging for answers. “They're going to tell you everything and ask some questions."
His worst fears were coming to life in those few words.
"He is dead, right?" Remus could barely breathe out those words. Did he die thinking Remus didn't love him anymore? Did he die alone and scared? Would he have survived if Remus was still by his side?
"No."
She closed up, her face like a stone statue, and Remus was trying in vain to read anything more from her expression.
Okay, Sirius is alive. That has to be enough. Whatever happened, it wasn't the worst for sure. Remus forced himself to breathe. Whatever happened, he will see him. Nothing is unbearable if he is alive.
It took them just a little less than seven minutes to get to the Ministry and be received in Moody's office by the Auror himself, the Minister, and Dumbledore. It took Remus just a little more than seven minutes to wish Sirius would have rather died.
At first, he didn't believe it. James. Lily. Peter. But it couldn't have been anybody else. Sirius was their secret keeper. Some muggles died, too. Sirius did it. They saw him. His Sirius. The man who slept in his arms to avoid nightmares, kissed him so sweetly, and repeatedly told Remus how much he loved him... Then went and murdered their friends. James, who was his family, his brother. The Potters took him in when he was barely more than a child. Lily, the brave and kind Lily, never did anything wrong in her whole life. Sirius said the toast at their wedding. He was the godfather to their child. And Peter... He just got in his way, and Sirius never really liked him, not since the Prank when Peter was the only one who didn't forget about it and took Remus' side even when Remus was ready to forgive. Now, it seemed like he was right not to, after all.
The whole world turned into a terrible nightmare. And there was Remus, unable to wake up, surrendered by watchful eyes that were considering if he was helping the Black traitor or was just stupid enough to love somebody so evil without noticing their true nature.
Even now, a week later, he couldn't entirely place together what happened after that. The vials started to explode around him, the papers from the table swarming in the air. Somebody was shouting. It took him quite some time to realize that the wretched cry was coming from him. His pain and anger burst out in small explosions of magic he couldn't control. There were at least four Aurors around him, wands ready, just in case. Alice was there too, looking into his eyes, talking to him, trying to bring him back from the verge of madness.
They were never really close. Alice and him. But no one else was left who could be there with him.
At that moment, he heard the only thing that could still make any difference. It was an intern, bursting through the door; she used to be a year below them in Gryffindor. In a different situation, Remus would have remembered her name.
"They caught Black! They are bringing him in right now!"
The whole room stopped.
"I have to see him!" Remus bolted towards the door after a minute of consideration. To his surprise, nobody tried to stop him as he hurried along the corridor to the great hall of the Ministry of Magic.
The first thing he noticed was the laugh. Sirius's laugh was nothing similar to the one he was ready to die for just a few hours ago. It was dry, joyless. Haunting. And loud. He fought the urge to cover his ears.
Frank and Alice joined him. Remus was unsure if they were there to support him or ensure he wouldn't try to free Sirius. It all stopped to matter as he laid eyes on the group of stern Aurors. He knew some of them from order meetings. They were at least a dozen if not more, their wands pulled out and pointed at the laughing man in the middle of their circle. Remus felt his heart sink, and he was sure that if he had eaten anything that day, he would throw up.
Sirius... The image in his head clashed with the one before him. The man, whose beautiful face was in a mocking laugh, his once shiny hair dull from dust, his clothes wrinkled and torn on his knees, with something that seemed like blood on the sleeves, dirt from the explosion covering his whole body.
There was madness in his eyes, darting around people's faces. People he knew, he called friends, people who he betrayed. Right until his eyes stopped on Remus. He didn't laugh anymore. His mouth opened slightly with a pitiful whine as if he just realised something. His expression changed to fear as he looked around himself in a panic once again.
"MOONY! I–" Sirius darted out towards him, shouting desperately.
But the Aurors were faster. At least three spells hit him at the same time; his body yanked back as he cried out in pain and then fell to the floor.
The wolf in Remus was ready to jump into the fight. Or at least he wished it to be only the wolf. He wanted to run there, to protect that disheveled man with his own body, like Sirius once did for him. To calm him down and make this whole lie go away. Nothing bad can happen when they are together. He wanted to run his fingers through the tangled hair and whisper sweet nothings, assure them both that everything is going to be alright. Kiss the lips he hadn't tasted for weeks.
Alice pulled him back by his hand. Remus hadn't even realised he moved closer with his wand in hand and at ready.
"Don't forget what he did," she whispered. "There are many people who think you might have helped; don't give them more reason to not trust you."
"But what if he didn't?" his voice was so low and shaking that he was surprised the girl understood the question.
"He did. Nobody else could have told the secret, and there are muggle eyewitnesses. It's so obvious and terrible; there won't even be a trial. He's got a life sentence in Azkaban."
The facts dissonated with feelings as he took one more look at the person he was desperately in love with, lying on the floor in pain.
"Let's go, you don't need to see this." Alice nodded in the way they came from. Sirius now opened his eyes again, his hair falling into his face messily, and Remus could swear he saw tears accumulating in his eyes. The sight of it still returned in his dreams to torture him. But before Sirius could say anything else, the Longbottoms pulled Remus away, and he followed them without a fight.
He felt empty. The whole world was blurred around him, and there was too much pain to even feel his emotions.
As they walked to the closest fireplace, the laughing started again. Now even louder, more painful. Like a real madman.
Now it all made so much sense! Why did Sirius seem so uncomfortable in their last days, the nights when he woke up crying and apologized endlessly to Remus but never explained why. He got irritated by the mention of their possible future together. Sirius was already planning...
The war was won.
Frank disappeared a day later. Alice not long after.
Sirius's birthday was 3 days after the accident. So was his official sentencing. It was the most vivid pain Remus ever experienced.
-------
Sirius always loved to have a lot of people celebrating his birthday.
He didn't get a trial. Only the sentencing. Whose idea was to put it on his birthday? It was kind of poetic if he wanted to be honest. He lived precisely 22 years, and it ended on the same fucking day it started. He is not stupid; he knows he will get a life sentence. It is funny. That little rodent, that pathetic sorry excuse of a man, a rat... He did that! Sirius never liked him... But not even in his wildest dreams did he believe Peter was capable of something like this. He was a coward.
An old witch from the Wizengamot was reciting his crimes. He did have crimes, but none of the ones that were read out by that hag. The list should have completely different items on it. He would still deserve the same punishment, but still... He advised a plan that got James and Lily killed. His only family. He left Regulus, so practically, he was dead because of him, too. He trusted Peter. Those were his worst crimes for sure.
He did have real Azkaban-worthy ones too, but he didn't regret them at all. Unregistered animagus. He used a forbidden curse, even if it was only once in a desperate situation. They didn't know about those, which meant... He was still protecting Sirius and their secrets.
Sirius turned around once again to scan the audience. Why were there so many wizards interested in this? What sick kick did they have from watching his life end?
The hex hit him once again, tugging his head back so fast it cracked his neck. This was the fourth time. He was not supposed to be looking around in the crowd. He still had to do it, he had to see those golden eyes, the freckles, and the soft lip with the slight curve from the scar, the curly fringe with the most beautiful and warm brown colour, the ones he was supposed to be the one to notice the first grey strands in and laugh about it on a lazy morning. The face he was supposed to watch grow old and wrinkled with laughter lines. He had to see him. Just once more. His last memory of him can't be how he broke his heart. Twice. Even this fucking sentencing would be better.
Remus wasn't there... Why would he be? He believed Sirius killed their best friends. Surely there can't be love big enough to forgive this? Sirius knew he couldn't expect... But he still hoped against hope that he would notice the familiar mop of hair or the worn-out robes somewhere, that his Moony's love for him couldn't have vanished already.
"Stop it. He is at St. Mungos, not here." It was Sturgis Podmore who barked this, another Auror from the Order. One of the three standing around him. Somebody who witnessed some devastatingly happy parts of their relationship, and could easily guess who his prisoner was looking for in the audience.
Why were there so many armed guards? What did they expect of a shackled prisoner? Will he fight a whole fucking crowd without his wand and with his hands and legs magically bonded together?
But Sturgis at least talked. The first time anyone has said a word to Sirius directly in days, even if it was just thrown at him with casual hatred like this one.
"What happened?" Sirius asked, his voice barely louder than a whisper when he realised he received the information about Remus's whereabouts, even if it was only meant as torture for him. Was it an accident? An attack? Fuck, Sirius was supposed to be there, sit next to his bed if anything happened. Who was sitting with him now? It was his job. If he couldn't, then it was James or Lily. Even Peter. Why was he in the hospital? Sirius' head throbbed with worry, but the answer hadn't arrived.
"Please..." he begged.
The tall man looked down on him with distaste.
"They found him a few hours ago, drunk out of his mind, and they suspect he put confundus charms on himself repeatedly." Sturgis' mouth barely moved, but he still received a nasty look from one of his co-workers.
It's not like Sirius cared anymore, not even about what was said in his sentence... The reality spun out from his reach once again as the image of Remus, far beyond broken, came into his mind. It was Sirius' fault. He did this. He did this to his family. To the love of his life.
He had to go and comfort Remus. He can't leave him behind!
Going to Azkaban suddenly wasn't the worst punishment. It was Remus believing Sirius did it, Remus without anyone, left all alone, believing that Sirius betrayed them. His Moony suffered so severely that he wanted to take away his mind. Even days later, Sirius couldn't recall when he started shouting. Or crying?
Maybe it was laughing... They did put a silencing spell on him, so it didn't matter anyway. The next time he noticed anything outside of his thoughts they were already throwing him inside the cell in the worst place on the earth.
----
Remembering the last months they spent together was easier. The time when he wasn't paying attention anymore, always busy, constantly distracted. As the days passed, he was less and less in the mood to spend time together. Remus' voice started to bother him, and he was annoyed if Remus looked at him for too long, looking for the fastest way to escape. Suddenly, it felt like there was a wall between them, even as they lay in the bed next to each other. Almost every other night, Sirius jolted awake from a nightmare and, like clockwork, broke out in hearth-wrenching sobs that he tried to muffle by biting on his fist. Remus held him in his arms the first time this happened, but it seemed to make it worse until Sirius got out of bed and settled on the couch, asking not to be followed. When Remus tried to talk about it the next day, he got defensive, claiming nothing had changed, and Remus was paranoid. He hadn't returned to the bed after that, and soon Remus learned it was best to act as if he was still asleep when he was woken by his boyfriend crying in their living room.
"I just want to know! I want to know, did I fucked this up? Have I done anything wrong?" Remus asked one night when it felt like he couldn't take the silence around them anymore. It was the worst kind of loneliness.
"Bloody hell, Remus! Why do you need to overanalyze everything?! I am just stressed; there is a fucking war going on!" Sirius always had a convenient answer, but now, when he looked up at Remus, his silver eyes lightened by unreadable emotion, almost soft, and for a blink of a second Remus truly believed there will be more, but Sirius snapped his head away and closed himself in the bathroom for three hours.
The next day, they were summoned for a fight. Remus got a nasty burn as he left his shields down to cast a protego and save Sirius from a killing curse. Just a few hours after he could leave St. Mungos, Sirius disappeared from his life.
It was like the chicken and egg question. Did Sirius get bolder and less careful as their relationship deteriorated or were they slowly falling to pieces because of how often they fought about his recklessness and lack of care for survival? Or was it all an act to cover the track of a traitor?
The happy memories were so much harder to think about, but they were still always in Remus' head. The way he liked his coffee, he was so silly about it. Always said he liked it with just enough milk so that it was the exact colour of Remus' brown eyes and way too much sugar so it was as sweet as his boyfriend.
Now, when Remus absentmindedly redid the warming charms, he made them a little too hot for himself before realising Sirius is no longer there to complain. He used to always be cold, needing an extra layer, and for a second, Remus got worried that he might be freezing in Azkaban. What a mundane thing to be concerned about, Sirius being cold... He is the traitor who is responsible for all his friends' deaths, the liar who exploited his love to be in a better position to spy. How long was it going on? How much of their past was acting? Was it ever real, or a long-going scheme? He wouldn't be that patient... But then again, did Remus ever really know him?
Bile was rising from Remus' stomach just thinking about it and he hoped the knot in his throat was from the sudden urge to vomit instead of crying. He already cried for days straight.
It couldn't be all a lie...
Remus remembered how Sirius used to sleep on his back, a hand under his head. He used to snore a little, and Remus used to laugh at it instead of being annoyed by the voice. He used to think it was adorable. His feet and hands were always cold, even in the middle of the summer, and he used to push them under Remus's clothes to warm them up. He hasn't done that anymore in the last months, either. Did he take his coffee differently, too?
Sirius' presence was everywhere in the house, so it was an exquisite torture for Remus to stay there sober for more than a few hours, but where could he go?
The mementos from their past were everywhere, in the ugly curtains Sirius chose, just because they had Gryffindor red coloured patterns. The sofa he and James carried upstairs to prove they can do it the muggle way. It was in the little living room, where Sirius was trying (and failing) to teach James to slow dance properly for his wedding. In the phone and the squeaky chair next to it where they were breathless from laughter observing Lily trying to teach Sirius how to use the muggle technology. In the kitchen, where Remus could still picture, behind his closed eyes, how Sirius was leaning against it with a mug of coffee and a lighted cigarette every morning, flashing a smile full of teeth when he noticed Remus walking in.
Of all those painful places inside the house, the bed was the worst, and it was completely off-limits since the day Remus returned from the Ministry of Magic. He instead opted to sleep on the ground even on better nights, usually too drunk to care anyway. The nights were different from the daytime, somehow way worse. Those times it felt like the memories of him would suffocate Remus, and sometimes it simply got too much to bear. Then he took a bottle of fire whiskey, or any cheap booze he had at home and stumbled out of the apartment, falling on the ground sobbing and drinking until he forgot the piercing steel grey eyes.
He woke up the following day on the street, people looking at him with disgust. Sooner or later somebody would kick him to make him move. Then he would stand up and pathetically force himself back in that hellish apartment. Nothing solved. Nothing changed. Nothing got easier. Another bottle.
It wasn't worth it to sober up; it was too painful, and nobody was around to care anyway.
Sometimes, their dreams were flashing before Remus' eyes. The house in the suburbs, the dog they wanted to adopt. How they would babysit Harry and pamper him with gifts on every occasion. It's too late now.
They weren't the only ones with plans. James will never become a professional quidditch player, and Lily will never be a potions teacher. Peter won't climb to higher positions in the Ministry. Marlene and Dorcas... Was that him too? How far back is he responsible for their deaths? Gideon and Fabian? Was it all him? Remus held him after Marlene's funeral,... The attack on Mary?
There was nobody left for Remus, but he could still be able to deal with it if only Sirius was there. His Sirius. Not the traitor, the spy, but the person Remus fell in love with when they were still kids.
The first time it happened, it was a guy with long brunette hair. It was too straight, but in the dark at least it looked black. The body type was close enough, just shorter. The eyes were wrong. It didn't matter; Remus was already drunk and the man was almost too eager to go with him. Remus let himself pretend. That was the first time he used the bed again, but only until they finished. Then the man left and Remus curled up on the floor, trying to drown himself in vodka, sobbing loudly from the shame. Crying in despair about how he betrayed the memory of James, Lily, and Peter by still loving their murderer.
He hated that snake of a person; he hated him with every cell in his body, but still cried out his cursed name while shagging someone who looked similar enough to trick his drunken brain. Remus was a disgusting, sick person.
----
Sitting on the cold stone, Sirius was staring at the wall. For minutes? Hours? Days? He wasn't sure. He didn't feel his legs anymore. There was some orange light coming from the small window. Sunset? Sunrise? He still couldn't believe this was really happening. It had to be a twisted reality of some kind... How was he supposed to do this? How could that happen to them?
The gasps were too loud. Somebody was crying inhumanly from fear. He did that, too, sometimes. He did the crying, the shouting, hitting the wall until his hands were a bloodied mess, and hoping that at least some ghosts would hear his apologies.
This has to be a terrible dream.
He never believed anything could tear them apart. They were meant to be forever, the Marauders. They were invincible.
His back hurt and the cold felt like it was cutting to his bones, but at least he felt something. So he didn't move.
Their life was so wonderful. Lily and James. Harry... The sight of their bodies was engraved in his memory. He wasn't even sure if he remembered it on his own or if it was the dementors' doing.
How could everything go this wrong? They had a plan! He was ready to trade his life for theirs. He made peace with not getting his happy ending in exchange for James's. He was okay with dying for them with the hope that maybe in another life, he could grow old with Remus... That's what his only regret was in the plan. Hurting Moony.
Moony... The precious features turned to disgust as he looked at Sirius. Pathetic. He heard it say, but it felt foreign. Moony would never be so cruel. You killed them.
This can't be real.
He will never see them again. Lily's smile. Prong's hug. He will never hear Remus call him his love anymore.
The cold burns his skin.
The light slowly changes, and silvery strings of moonshine creep inside the cell. The moon...
Moony thinks he did it. Moony hates him, Moony believes Sirius betrayed them, and he for sure regrets ever knowing him. James is dead. His brother is dead. Both of his brothers are. Regulus, he was his stupid, naive, beautiful baby brother. Sirius killed him too; he killed him by leaving him alone with those monsters.
Remus must be mourning them, he mourns for that Rat! He cries after him while he curses Sirius' name.
Remus, Moony, his only love, is alone. Who will keep him safe? Save him from himself? If something happens to him that will also be Sirius' fault, he is alone because of him. It's the fourth life on his conciseness. He damned everyone he ever cared about.
Sirius shifts slowly and moves for the first time in who knows how long. His joints protest. It hurts to move again. His weight falling on different places allows the blood to re-enter his legs, spreading a stinging sensation deep inside the limbs. He pulls up the material he can barely call clothes; they put it on him when they dragged him here. They took his. When they took the watch Euphemia gave him, that was the first time he protested against his treatment. He hadn't fought since Moony turned his back on him. Remus did that. He looked at Sirius with horror in his eyes and then left Sirius there... Sirius never before felt so small as in the moment when his Moony looked at him and there was only pain and loathing on his face. Did that truly happen? If it did, then Sirius deserved it. He really did. He did this to him, it was his choice. He promised Moony a long time ago, at the end of their fifth year, that he will never hurt him again. He told him to trust him...
When the shirt is pulled up, he can see the tattoo. His moon tattoo with the countdown. The circle is complete, with a zero written under it. Fuck. He crawls closer to the window, his legs refusing to hold him, still feels like pins and needles all over. He grabs the bars before the small opening on the wall.
Full moon.
Moony is transforming alone. Prongs is dead. The RAT! That bastard! He doesn't care, the Rat won't show. Sirius can't be there either... Remus curled over, shouting while his bones break... Sirius did that to him. The wolf will be alone and angry, and it will tear Remus into pieces. Nobody will be there to stop him. Who will take care of him in the morning?
Sirius's fingers tangled in the already matting hair, pulling on it. Prongs is dead. Lily is dead. The RAT went free! Everyone is dead. Or away. Remus is all alone, nobody is going to help him!
Sirius shouts. He does it until he is out of breath. Cries until his eyes are dry and hurting. He pleads. Pleads to anyone who can hear him, to go save his Moony.
Remus is going to wake up covered in blood, in pain, and injured. If he survives the upset wolf. He hates Sirius. Moony hates Sirius. Sirius hates himself too.
His shouts turn into howls. Maybe the wolf will hear Padfoot calling for his mate.
-----
Remus woke up on the sofa with a splitting headache. The entrance door creaked.
"Pads?" It came out as a whisper; his vocal cords weren't used to talking anymore.
The reality hit him just a second later, his eyes burning from shame. Sirius is not coming. He is a traitor. A traitor. A traitor. He shouldn't still expect him. When will it stop? It has already been four months.
Remus tried to sit up, but suddenly the whole room seemed unsteady, everything leaning on the side. He waited a few seconds for the dizziness to subside. It wasn't the hangover but only because the moon was three days ago, and dragging himself back to the flat and falling on the sofa unceremoniously took everything that was left of him, and wasn't able to go buy more. He only drank water with the agumenti charm when the thirst was too much, and eat a leftover soggy bag of crisps he found, and now he wasn't even sure if he is so weak because of the moon, the lack of nutrition, or the long gash on his side that he wasn't strong enough to heal and kept reopening, oozing blood and a yellowish liquid on the cushions. Sometime along the way, the skin around it turned red and Remus developed a slight fever.
There were footsteps inside the house. Was it a robbery? They can take whatever they want. Or an attack from death eaters? Not like it mattered... He doesn't believe any kind of torture could have been worse than the reality. He doesn't have any connections and doesn't know any secrets anymore. They won't even notice if he goes missing. But that's alright. He didn't think he would last long anyway.
Remus didn't move, just lied back on the cushions and waited for his fate.
"Mr Lupin?" The stern voice with an underlying pity brought his attention to the woman standing inside their... his shitty living room.
Maybe his fever is way worse than he thought; because there is no way Professor McGonagal being there wasn't a hallucination.
She didn't say anything, just tutted disapprovingly as she slowly measured up the state of the flat and its inhabitant, then she took hold of Remus, who was too weak to protest as she apparated them away.