Work Text:
Lan Wangji practiced his breathing exercises as he walked through the doors of his new workplace. It was his first day at a new job in a new city with new people. It was terrifying and overwhelming.
“Think of it as a fresh start,” his brother had told him over the phone. “You need it. You deserve it.”
The mantra of his words ran through his mind like a prayer.
Lan Wangji used to play for a city orchestra, in a city far from here. After his last performance, he was approached by a woman by the name of Wen Qing, director of a nonprofit dedicated to bringing music to schools and communities that weren’t able to afford it. She believed him to be the perfect fit to lead their community project team, as she was also aware of the music lessons he provided for free at the orphanages and community center.
Lan Wangji loved the idea, but was hesitant to accept the offer. He had lived in this city his whole life, and it’s where his family remained. On top of that, his life was still in shambles. He was slowly picking up the pieces, but there were still shattered pieces everywhere.
His brother had urged him to accept though, thinking that this was the final push he needed to leave his past behind him and start anew. Lan Wangji wanted to believe him, but he was skeptical. He always was now. Still, he accepted Wen Qing’s offer and made the move to a smaller city a month later.
And now he stood in the lobby, his stomach churning, his mind frenzied. He was just about to turn around and return to his apartment to call out sick when a man behind the counter called out to him.
“Excuse me,” he said in a gentle, kind voice. Perhaps he caught on to Lan Wangji’s anxiety. “Can I help you?”
Lan Wangji’s mouth felt dry. “Yes,” he rasped out. He cleared his throat and tried again. “My name is Lan Wangji. I am the new employee.”
“Oh!” the man exclaimed, his face lighting up. “Jie mentioned you were coming. Have a seat, I will call her down.”
Lan Wangji nodded and took a seat in one of the large, colorful chairs. He pressed a hand against his knee to keep his leg from bouncing. The elevator dinged, and he looked over to see Wen Qing exiting.
“Lan Wangji, welcome,” she said, extending her hand in greeting.
Lan Wangji stared at the hand. He knew logically, it was a simple handshake, a way to greet one another politely, a brief touch of hands and then finished. But his mind no longer ran on logic.
“Apologies. I do not…touch others.”
Wen Qing retracted her hand. She did not look upset or confused, only gave him a small smile. “It’s no problem. I’m glad you told me. If you’d please follow me, I’ll give you a tour.”
Lan Wangji let out a quiet sigh and followed her into the elevator.
The office building was nice. It was an open space concept, with long desks and computers sat next to one another. Lan Wangji nodded politely at the employees that greeted him warmly as he walked past. The office had music rooms, practice rooms, and rooms full of every instrument imaginable.
“And this is your office,” Wen Qing said as she completed the tour. It was a decently sized room with a window that had a nice view of the park across the street. There was only a dark dest, computer, and office chair inside. It looked empty, a blank canvas waiting for someone to make it a home. Lan Wangji wondered if he could.
Just then, there came a rapping on the door frame.
“Knock, knock,” someone said. Lan Wangji turned to see a man smiling widely. He was wearing jeans with a black t-shirt and a red flannel on top. His wavy hair reached his shoulders, and was partially pulled back with a red scrunchie. His shining eyes were shaped into crescents by his radiant smile. He was beautiful. And he was making Lan Wangji feel self-conscious about coming to work in a dress shirt and pants.
“Ah, Lan Wangji, this is Wei Wuxian,” Wen Qing introduced. “He’s our founder and project director. He oversees all projects in the agency, meaning the two of you will be working together.”
“Pleasure to meet you,” Lan Wangji greeted politely.
“Aiya, no need for such politeness, Lan Wangji!” Wei Wuxian said, making his way further into the room. “I’m sure you and I will be working a lot together, so it’s best to get accustomed to my presence and speak casually to me.”
He then threw an arm around Lan Wangji’s shoulders in what was meant to be a friendly gesture. It made him tense up immediately, his heart racing.
A college party. An arm wrapped around him, tugging him against his side. He didn’t want to be here. It was too loud, too stuffy. He wanted to be at home reading. But it didn’t matter what he wanted. He always got his way in the end. “Can’t you at least pretend like you’re enjoying yourself? You’re so stiff all the time.”
“Wei Wuxian,” Wen Qing’s reproachful tone cut through his thoughts, grounding him. “He doesn’t like being touched.”
Wei Wuxian quickly removed his arm, as if it had been burned. “Ah, I’m sorry Lan Wangji. I didn’t mean to offend.”
Lan Wangji felt his breathing quicken, his body refusing to relax. No, he refused to have a panic attack on his first day of work. They’d ask why, and he’d have to lie, which he’s terrible at, and they’d get suspicious, and-
“It’s alright. Could you excuse me?” He quickly exited the room and burst into the nearest bathroom. He left out a big breath of air and attempted to get his breathing under control. In three seconds, out five seconds, in three seconds, out five seconds…
Eventually, he managed to calm himself down. His body felt exhausted though, and his head was kind of fuzzy. He couldn’t spend anymore time hiding away in the bathroom though, unsure of how much time had passed already. He splashed some water onto his face to clear his head and made his way back towards the office.
Wen Qing and Wei Wuxian were standing outside of it, along with another group of people. Wei Wuxian looked thoroughly chastised and apologetic, and Wen Qing kept sending subtle glares his way.
“Lan Wangji, come meet the rest of the supervisors,” Wen Qing called. He was grateful that she seemed to be ignoring his hasty exit earlier.
“This is Xiao Xingcheng and Song Lan. They are in charge of fundraising.” Xiao Xingcheng waved while Song Lan nodded in greeting. “This is A-Qing. She’s our social media manager.” A-Qing threw him a peace sign, which amused him. “This is Mo Xuanyu, our event planner.” Mo Xuanyu gave him a kind smile and waved. “And this is Xue Yang. He’s our tech guy.”
Xue Yang smirked. “You certainly picked a pretty one, Wen Qing.”
Lan Wangji squirmed. He didn’t like when people praised his beauty. It was a curse, a siren’s song that roped in wayward sailors and hungry gazes, and led your boyfriend to blame you for it, making him insecure and certain that you were cheating on him. Or so he’d been told.
“That’s enough, Xue Yang,” Wei Wuxian scorned. He gave Lan Wangji a look, as if to say ‘I’ve got your back.’ Lan Wangji did not believe it. He couldn’t anymore.
“What? I’m just saying,” Xue Yang sulked.
“Ignore him. You’ll be training for the first week and getting used to our system. After that, we’ll get you started on project work,” Wen Qing said. “Otherwise, take this time to get settled and meet everyone.”
“Thank you,” he said. Everyone welcomed him to the agency before leaving to continue their work. Wei Wuxian gave him one last look, conflicting emotions crossing his face, before walking away as well.
He followed Wen Qing back into the elevator that led them down to the first floor. “You can have the rest of the afternoon off. We’ll see you back here tomorrow.”
“Thank you.”
She smiled kindly at him. “We’re glad to have you on the team. Rest up.”
He said goodbye to the assistant (Wen Ning, he learned his name was), and drove back to his apartment. He made himself lunch before continuing to unpack boxes (mostly decorative items at this point). Once he was finished, he ordered delivery, too tired to cook a second meal. He sat on the couch and ate, watching a comedy show his brother recommended. When his eyes began to droop, he took a shower and headed to bed.
Much to his dismay, sleep did not come easily to him that night. His mind was reeling from the day he had. His skin still burned from where Wei Wuxian had touched him. It wasn’t a bad touch. On the contrary, it was quite light, just an arm gently resting on his shoulders, not at all like the touches he was once used to. Still, no one had touched him since the incident, except for his brother, and he wanted to keep it that way. He didn’t need to be touched, didn’t want to be. He couldn’t trust that gentle touches wouldn’t one day turn bruising.
He fell into a fitful sleep that night, full of memories he’d rather forget.
—
I remember the minute
It was like a switch was flipped—
I was just a kid who grew up strong enough
To pick this armor up
And suddenly it fit
God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago
I was little, I was weak and perfectly naive
And I grew up too quick
Lan Wangji didn’t have many friends growing up. Sure, he was cordial with people, and got along with them well enough, but none that he considered close.
He had even less people wanting to date him. He was often seen as reserved and quiet, one that would rather be alone than with others. Many found that to be boring.
So when Li Feng had approached him at their freshman orientation, he felt elated. He was handsome and smart and clearly beloved by many. Lan Wangji wondered what that was like.
Since he was a child, he had been searching for an all consuming kind of love. His mother said he loved with his whole being. But after his mother died, he had no one to love him in that way. He was left alone in a quiet house with a mourning father who shut himself away in his room, a strict uncle who barely showed emotion, and a brother who would rather be anywhere but at home, wanting a reprieve from the quietness.
He learned to adapt. He played alone, got ready alone, and was basically left alone. He carried that into his school days, being cordial to others, but content with being left alone.
Still, his heart yearned for someone who saw through his act; someone that pulled him out of his loneliness and loved him with everything they had, just like his mother had.
Li Feng was that person to him. He inserted himself into his everyday life after meeting at the orientation. He walked him to and from class, had lunch and dinner with him, studied in the library with him, and brought him to parties and gatherings. Yes, many people loved Li Feng, but they were not the center of his world like Lan Wangji was. It was intoxicating, fulfilling.
Until it wasn’t.
It started with Nie Huaisang. The pair had reconnected over the holiday break when Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen went to a party Nie Mingjue was hosting. They had known each other for a while due to their brother’s relationship. They got along, but hadn't really hung out outside of their brother’s bringing them together.
“We should!” Nie Huaisang said. “I mean we go to the same university. Why not hang out? It’ll be fun!”
Lan Wangji agreed and gave Huaisang his contact info. The pair began texting on and off, venting their frustrations about classes and making plans to meet up.
One night, his phone pinged while he was cuddling on the couch with Li Feng. He checked it and chuckled at Huaisang’s message.
“Who’s that?” Li Feng asked.
“It’s a friend, Nie Huaisang. We reconnected over winter break. He wants to meet up for brunch this weekend.”
Li Feng gave him a look he had not seen before. “I don’t feel comfortable with you going to get brunch with other men.”
Lan Wangji was confused. “Why? He’s just a friend.”
“How do you know that?” Li Feng’s voice became accusing.
“Because we’ve known each other for a long time.”
He huffed out an annoyed breath. “You can’t be so trusting, Lan Zhan. You never know what people’s intentions with you might be.”
Lan Wangji looked down at the opened message, fidgeting. Li Feng had never been like this before. “Would it make you feel better to come along?”
Li Feng lit up at that. “That sounds great!”
Thinking it was just Li Feng being pouty over not being able to spend time with him, Lan Wangji sent a message asking him if his boyfriend could join.
They met Nie Huaisang for brunch on Saturday. Lan Wangji introduced the two and began a conversation with Nie Huaisang about some drama their brother’s were entangled in. Li Feng’s hand rested on his thigh. His grip gotter tighter as the meal went on.
When they finished, they got up to leave. Nie Huaisang pulled him into a hug (one he awkwardly returned, not used to it) and asked it to do this again soon. Before he could answer, Li Feng was pulling him out the door.
“What’s wrong?” Lan Wangji asked, aware that his boyfriend was angry once more.
He rounded on him. “Why did you let him hug you?!”
Lan Wangji’s jaw dropped. “I didn’t know he was going to.”
“Well next time, push him away! Do you have any idea what it feels like to see your boyfriend hug another man?”
Lan Wangji felt himself shrink, making himself as small as possible. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.
Li Feng sighed and pulled him into a hug. “It’s alright. I just love you so much, Lan Zhan, that the idea of you being touchy with anyone else makes me angry.”
Lan Wangji wrapped his arms around the other and forgave him. It was because he loved him, he told himself. He did this out of love.
But this would be far from the only time Li Feng got angry. He would leave a bruise on Lan Wangji’s hip from holding him so tightly to his side during parties. Then he would yell at him when they returned to the apartment for letting other men stare at him. Lan Wangji wasn’t sure how he was supposed to control that, but he apologized all the same. He stopped talking to Lan Wangji for three days when he allowed a TA to adjust his grip on his violin. Lan Wangji had been a wreck after that, sending him apology after apology over text. He broke Lan Wangji’s vase when he walked in on him having a phone call with Nie Mingjue. He had been inquiring about Lan Xichen’s ring size. Li Feng hadn’t cared though. All he heard was a man’s voice, one that was trying to take Lan Wangji away from him. So he saw red and smashed the vase, because he loved him so much that sometimes he couldn’t control himself. Lan Wangji asked Nie Mingjue to communicate with him via text from now on, so Li Feng could see all the messages.
“Didi, don’t you find that all to be a bit…controlling?” Lan Xichen had asked after Lan Wangji told him about the situation.
“He loves me, ge. He does this because he loves me.”
“A-Zhan, that’s not love.”
Lan Wangji had gotten angry and left the restaurant. Why couldn’t his brother see what he saw?
In retrospect, he should have listened.
But Lan Wangji was young and naive and in love. He did not see the warning signs. Perhaps, he did not want to see the warning signs. Because who would ever love Lan Wangji like Li Feng would? Who would make him the center of the universe like Li Feng did?
After graduation, they moved into an apartment in the city together. Something shifted in their relationship after that. Now, Li Feng didn’t yell at him out of love, but frustration, nit picking at all the things he found annoying about Lan Wangji. And as much as Lan Wangji tried to tune him out, his words took hold, making him hate himself. As time went on, Lan Wangji began to realize that there was no more love, only sadness and fear.
But he didn’t dare to leave Li Feng. After all, not everything was bad. He still praised Lan Wangji, still treated him kindly and told him he loved him. It was just, Lan Wangji had begun to feel those words were empty; completely devoid of the meaning they once held.
It all came to an end after one night when Lan Wangji had gotten tired of getting yelled at and decided to go to the bar with Nie Huaisang. He didn’t drink, but he had missed his friend. It had been too long. (In reality, it had only been a few weeks, but there seemed to be no sense of the passage of time in that apartment. It all felt like one neverending nightmare.)
When he returned home, Li Feng was sitting on the couch, anger maring his once handsome face.
“Where the hell have you been?” He spat.
“I went to the bar with Nie Huaisang,” he said evenly, despite the shaking of his hands as he hung his coat.
Li Feng let out a bitter laugh. “Oh I see! So while I was at work to provide for us, you were out whoring around with that slut of a friend!”
Lan Wangji took a breath. “I wasn’t. I just sat with Huaisang,” he said, tiredly. They had had this argument so many times before.
“Bullshit! You always say that, but I know you’re lying! I see the way men look at you. And you don’t even try to get them to stop! You love the attention, love spreading your legs for anyone that will so much as look your way, huh?”
Something inside Lan Wangji snapped. Perhaps he had once loved the attention, loved being the center of someone’s world, but he no longer wanted it, not if it came with misery and fear.
“You’re right,” he snapped. “I’d rather be out sleeping around than stuck in this apartment with you for one more second.”
Then, there was pain. The world came to a sudden halt. The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. It took Lan Wangji’s brain a second to register what happened. When it did, he felt his face burn and his eyes well with tears.
Li Feng looked horrified. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, love. I didn’t mean to hit you. I’m sorry. I love you so much. I just got angry and didn’t know what I was doing. I’m so sorry. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
He pulled Lan Wangji into a hug. He went willingly, too stunned still to try and stop him. Eventually, when he had settled, he hugged the other man back. Not because he wanted to, not because he needed his comfort, but because he was scared of what would happen if he didn’t.
“I love you too,” Lan Wangji said. The words were hollow, falling from his lips like they had so many times before, with no real feeling behind it.
Li Feng continued to apologize until they laid down in bed together. He gently caressed the bruise swelling on Lan Wangji’s cheek. “Please don’t tell anyone about this. It was just an accident, but I don’t want them to get the wrong idea. They won’t understand like you do.”
“Ok,” Lan Wangji said robotically.
Li Feng fell asleep that night safe in the knowledge that Lan Wangji would keep his secret. Whether he knew it was out of fear or love, he wasn’t quite sure, but Lan Wangji would not put himself in jeopardy of getting hit again.
What Li Feng hadn’t planned for was Nie Huaisang coming to visit. Lan Wangji opened the door to the apartment to see his friend on the other side. Nie Huaisang’s face melted from happiness to horror as he took him in.
“Oh my god, A-Zhan, what the fuck happened?” He asked, pushing his way into the apartment and moving his face from side to side. Lan Wangji flinched at his touch. Huaisang quickly released his chin.
“What are you doing here?” Lan Wangji asked instead. He couldn’t tell him. He was afraid.
“You didn’t text me when you got home last night, and your brother said he got a call from the conductor saying you hadn’t shown up for rehearsal and they couldn’t get in touch with you.”
Right. Lan Wangji was supposed to be at rehearsal today and his phone was probably dead. He wouldn’t be able to go anyways. He promised he would stay.
“A-Zhan did he do this to you?” Nie Huaisang asked, more serious than he had ever seen him.
Lan Wangji shook his head.
“Don’t lie to me, A-Zhan. Why did he do this to you?”
Lan Wangji shook his head again. Tears started to roll their way down his cheeks. He didn’t know why he was crying. Li Feng didn’t do it, he should say. It was just an accident, he should say. He loves me.
The dam broke. “He loves me,” he said brokenly. “He loves me. He loves me.” He collapsed to the ground, causing Huaisang to yelp in shock, attempting to catch him. “He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.” He clutched his chest as he spoke through broken sobs, each repetition getting louder than the last. “He loves me. He loves me.”
“A-Zhan, it’s ok, you’re ok, I’m here. Breath. Just breathe. He won’t hurt you again, I promise.”
But Lan Wangji couldn’t breathe. He began to lose sense of his surroundings. His eyes were blurry. He could make out the blur of his friend talking on the phone though. He wasn’t sure what he was saying. He couldn’t hear it all. But he heard his address, and ‘hurry,’ and ‘panic attack.’
Soon, there were police. They gave him something to calm him down, before treating the bruise on his cheek. They tried to ask him questions, but he stayed silent. Nie Huaisang talked with another officer to the side, giving him information about the situation and his boyfriend’s whereabouts. Sometime later, he’s not sure how much, Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue arrived. He had never seen his brother so heartbroken, nor his brother-in-law so angry. His brother held him against his chest and tried to soothe him. He knew this touch. This touch was kind and safe and warm. It was one he knew well. This touch was allowed.
Lan Xichen took him to a hospital to check and see if his cheekbone had been broken. Luckily, it had not. Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang stayed behind to collect his things and bring them to his brother’s apartment, where he’d be staying for the foreseeable future.
Later that day, Lan Xichen informed him that the police had Li Feng in custody and were wondering if he wanted to press charges. If so, he’d need to go to the station and give a statement. Lan Wangji didn't want to originally, but Lan Xichen promised to stay by his side and protect him. So he went. He didn’t give too much detail, just what they needed to know about the incident, and that they’d been arguing for many years. The police officer gave him a sympathetic look as he left.
Lan Wangji spent most of his time at his brother’s apartment after that. He informed the orchestra that he would not be performing for their spring show due to personal reasons. He felt listless, unsure of what to do with himself now that there was no one to control his every move. It was freeing. It was terrifying. He had to learn a lot of new things about himself, his likes and dislikes, his plans for the future, his dreams.
He often had nightmares, waking up screaming. His brother would run into his room and hold him until he managed to calm down. He was the only one allowed to touch him, he found out. Nie Mingjue had placed a hand on his shoulder once and he had slapped it away. He hadn’t meant to. They were comfortable with one another. He knew his brother-in-law was good. But still, he shrank into himself. Nie Mingjue didn’t take offense, neither did his brother. Instead, they learned to give him space and to avoid touching.
His brother had urged him to see a therapist. Eventually, he relented, needing someone to vent his feelings to. He was diagnosed with PTSD. He was taken aback by the diagnosis. It was just a bad relationship – it couldn’t be that big of a deal. But as the sessions went on, he began to realize how big of a deal it really was. He felt hollow, stupid, angry, heartbroken to have been so naive and spent so much time with someone who took and never gave, who kept him from being his best self, who ruined his life.
Li Feng’s trial was a few months after. Lan Xichen’s friend represented him in court. He was quick witted and smart, and he was able to charm the jury easily. Lan Wangji was in a better place now. He had less nightmares, and was returning to himself bit by bit. He felt less afraid being in the courtroom, surrounded by his friends and family that would protect him no matter what.
At least, that’s what he thought.
He sat in front of the room next to the judge, relaying the many years of verbal abuse, of his ex-boyfriends controlling behavior, of the rage. He had moved past the shame, but it was still hard to recount.
Li Feng’s eyes bore into him the entire time. Lan Wangji had not realized he was shaking until he stood.
After a week, the verdict came back as guilty of misdemeanor battery. He was sentenced to six months in prison. It wasn’t enough, in his opinion, but Meng Yao said it was the most they could get for a misdemeanor.
His family and friends celebrated. Justice was served, they said. Now you can start to put this behind you, they said. He won’t hurt you anymore, they said. That was all true, but he would never be the same person as he was before he met Li Feng. He barely knew who that person was anymore. He no longer trusted people. He kept them at arm's length. He refused to let anyone have that type of control over him ever again. No, he would protect his heart better this time.
Still, he moved forward. He started playing music again, retaking his position with the orchestra. He went out to brunch with Nie Huaisang. He ate dinner with Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue and listened to them talk about plans for adopting. Each day passed, the world kept spinning, and he healed bit by bit. But there were places in his heart that were charred beyond recognition. Those, he knew, could never be healed. So he learned to live with the monsters under his bed and did not tell a soul they existed. He put on a brave face and continued moving through life, leaving none the wiser.
Then, Wen Qing approached him with an opportunity, a new start as his brother had called it. And Lan Wangji took it, hoping that maybe leaving the place that held painful memories every time he stepped out his door would heal him completely.
But Lan Wangji knew better than to hope.
—
Now you won’t see all that I have to lose
And all I've lost in the fight to protect it
I won’t let you in, I swore never again
I can't afford, no, I refuse to be rejected
Wei Wuxian, he found out, was a very tactile person, always getting into other’s spaces and touching other’s casually. He couldn’t seem to keep his hands to himself. Lan Wangji decided it was best to avoid him so as to avert another awkward incident, instead focusing on settling into his work and space.
He began to bring things into the office bit by bit. A plant. A beautifully painted mug that his uncle had got him before leaving. Some music books from college. The bunny pens his brother had given him as a congratulatory gift when he decided to accept the job. An old photo of him and his mother. A framed photo of him and Lan Xichen as children, holding rabbits and smiling. A framed photo of him and Nie Huaisang at a concert.
Lan Wangji remembered that day fondly. He thought of how their relationship had grown, had they had gone from passing acquaintances to texting daily. Back when they were in school, Lan Wangji didn't understand why Huaisang would text him all the time. When he asked the other, he got vague responses. It wasn’t until much later, when everything was over with his ex, that Nie Huaisang had told him the truth.
“I knew that guy was fucked up the moment I met him,” Nie Huaisang said. “But I also knew you wouldn’t listen to me. So I made sure to keep tabs on you, and get you out of his grasp if only for a second. I wanted to be around so when you did leave, you knew you had someone safe to go to. I didn’t want you to feel alone.”
Lan Wangji had cried in front of his friend for the second time.
The night the picture was taken was when things were starting to get bad between him and his ex. There were more arguments, more shouting, more accusations made against him without any proof. Nie Huaisang had texted him, inviting him to a concert after a particularly bad fight and Lan Wangji accepted. He wanted to be anywhere other than in that apartment.
Nie Huaisang ignored his puffy, red eyes as he entered the apartment. He knew now why he hadn’t asked, and Lan Wangji knew that he wouldn’t have answered. He allowed his friend to dress him up however he wanted and put eyeliner and glitter on his face. He then followed Nie Huaisang to the concert. He hadn’t known the band then, but for once the noise and dancing and crowd did not bother him. Instead, it drowned out the memory that was replaying in his mind and allowed him to be free for a short while. Nie Huaisand, who had seen him enjoying himself for the first time in a long time, had asked him to take the selfie that now sits in a picture frame.
He should have known then. He should have connected the dots, understood why he only felt free when he was away from his ex. Still, he was eternally grateful for Nie Huaisang. The pair continued to talk everyday despite Lan Wangji’s move.
A knock on the door pulled Lan Wangji from his thoughts. He looked up to see Wei Wuxian standing in the doorway, fidgeting nervously from foot to foot.
“Can I come in?” he asked hesitantly.
Lan Wangji also hesitated before nodding. The man walked in and took the seat opposite his desk.
“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for touching you. I can tell that I made you uncomfortable and that you’re avoiding me, and I promise I won’t do it again unless you tell me to,” Wei Wuxian rambled.
Lan Wangji stared at him in surprise. He hadn’t been expecting an apology from the other man, nor him taking notice that he was uncomfortable and avoiding him. He had expected their work relationship to be awkward, neither of them addressing the issue and pretending it had never happened. This was…odd. But not bad.
“It’s alright, Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji replied.
Wei Wuxian shook his head. “No, it’s not. I know that I can be a bit…much. And I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable and hate this job. You shouldn’t have to go through that because of me.”
Lan Wangji’s began to feel uncomfortable. Not because of what Wei Wuxian was saying, but the way he was saying it. It was as if nothing mattered more to him than his feelings. It was…unnerving. Uncomfortable. Foreign. He wasn’t sure what to make of it.
“I accept your apology,” Lan Wangji said, wanting this conversation to be over. He watched as Wei Wuxian let out a visible sigh of relief. “And I don’t think you’re too much,” he continued.
Wei Wuxian gave him a soft smile. “That’s very kind of you, Lan Zhan, but you don’t have to coddle me. I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m too much for people. Too touchy, too loud, so on.”
“You’re not the problem,” Lan Wangji said hastily, not wanting the other to blame himself, “you’re not a problem at all. I just don’t like to be touched. There was-” He stopped himself. What the hell was he doing? This was supposed to be a fresh start, and bringing up his shitty ex-boyfriend wasn’t going to help him start over. And he couldn’t dump that on a coworker, especially one that up until this point he had been actively trying to avoid. He doesn’t want to be pitied. He doesn’t want to be rejected.
Wei Wuxian waited for him to continue. When it looked like he wasn’t, he said, “It’s ok, Lan Zhan. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But know that I’m always here to lend an ear if you need one.”
Lan Wangji nodded. “Thank you. I appreciate the offer.”
Wei Wuxian beamed and began discussing how they would be working together. He told Lan Wangji about the community, what it had and what it was missing. Lan Wangji took notes, attempting to find an overall solution to a multitude of problems. He ran some ideas by Wei Wuxian, discussing the logistics and if it’s needed. Before they knew it, the building was quiet, and the sun was setting.
“Wow, time sure flies when you’re having fun!” Wei Wuxian laughed. “Sorry to have kept you so late. I hope I didn’t mess up any evening plans?”
Lan Wangji shook his head. “No. My brother and friend will want to call and check in, but that’s all.”
“It’s really great that you have people looking out for you, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said with a reassuring smile. “If that’s the case, would you like to go get dinner?”
Lan Wangji hesitated. On one hand, he felt rude turning down an offer to have dinner with a coworker. On the other hand, he was scared. He didn’t know Wei Wuxian very well. He couldn’t trust him. And dinner would lead to questions about his personal life, and he’d have to tell him about his past, and then-
“Don’t feel obligated to say yes,” Wei Wuxian said, interrupting his downward spiral. “It was just an offer since we both don’t have any solid plans. But if you don’t want to, we can do it another time.”
“Another time would be better,” Lan Wangji replied, not elaborating further.
“Alright, Lan Zhan. We can go another time. Let me walk you to your car.”
The pair left the office. Lan Wangji listened as Wei Wuxian talked about some kids at the local orphanage that he volunteered at as they made their way out the doors to Lan Wangij’s car.
“Get home safe, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said when they arrived. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.”
From that point on, Wei Wuxian became a fixture in his daily life. Unlike before, however, Lan Wangji wasn’t uncomfortable. He didn’t touch him, and always gave him an out if he sensed Lan Wangji’s hesitancy. He never forced Lan Wangji to do something he didn’t want to do.
He also began giving him little gifts. One was a bunny figurine he saw at a thrift store because he noticed the pens his brother had given him. Another was some tea because he noticed he didn’t drink coffee. Another was some sweet snacks because he noticed that he prefers sweet things over salty.
The whole thing made him feel incredibly seen, which was unnerving and comforting all at the same time. Wei Wuxian didn’t seem to have any ill intention with any of his actions. But he didn’t like being watched so closely. It felt too familiar.
He asked Xiao Xingcheng about it one day. He informed him that it was pretty common for Wei Wuxian to give gifts to his friends. It was how he showed affection.
Oh. So they were friends then? Was Wei Wuxian trying to tell him that they were friends? It would be nice to have another friend, someone that didn’t know about his past. He supposed it made sense how well he knew him as well. Nie Huaisang was his friend and knew about his likes and dislikes just like Wei Wuxian. So why did he feel a touch disappointed at being told this was common between friends?
“Wei Ying, are we friends?” Lan Wangji asked in the elevator one day as they were leaving work.
“Of course we’re friends Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian replied. “Unless you don’t want to be?”
He thought for a moment before saying, “Being friends would be nice.”
The smile Wei Wuxian gave him in return could rival the sun.
Wei Wuxian continued to invite him out after work, but Lan Wangji refused. His brother was not happy when he told him.
“You should go with him, A-Zhan,” Lan Xichen chastised over the phone. “It’d be good for you to get out of the apartment and socialize. Go get to know the city!”
Nie Huaisang wasn’t sympathetic to his strife either.
“Oh, I just found him on Instagram,” Nie Huaisang said as they Facetimed. “He’s hot! You should date him.”
“Huaisang,” he warned.
“What?! I’m just saying. He seems really nice. It would be good for you to be with someone like him to show you what a good relationship is like.”
“…I’m not ready.”
Nie Huaisang sighed. “Alright. In any case, hang out with him. Even if you don’t end up dating him, it’ll be good to have support close by.”
He took their words into consideration, and, when Wei Wuxian asked if he wanted to go to a cafe over their lunch break, he agreed. Wei Wuxian had been elated, practically jumping up and down and talking a mile a minute as they walked to the cafe. It warmed Lan Wangji to be the one to make the man so happy. Perhaps he had been too cold with him, pushing him too far away.
They continued to go out for lunch a few times a week. Lan Wangji still wasn’t comfortable going out for dinner, but Wei Wuxian didn’t fault him for it. He instead offered lunch and break times to go somewhere, be it a restaurant or just a walk to a nearby park.
“You and Wei Ying seem to be getting along well,” Wen Qing said one day in the breakroom.
“Yes. I enjoy working with him. He has many great ideas. And I appreciate him showing me around the city.”
“He’s been showing you around?”
“Yes. During lunch and our breaks.” Wen Qing’s brows furrowed. He grew concerned. “Is that not ok?”
“No, it’s fine!” she assured him. “It’s just, he’s never done that with new employees before.”
She shrugged and walked out of the room. Lan Wangji stared into his steaming mug of tea. He had assumed that was something he did with all his friends and new employees. But it wasn’t, and that made him special.
His stomach began to churn. He had had someone’s undivided attention once. He never wanted to have that again.
—
I want to break these bones 'til they're better
I want to break them right and feel alive
You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong—
My healing needed more than time
The barbecue restaurant was loud and crowded. The smell of smoke flooded his nose as he watched Wen Ning rotate the meat on the grill, his vegetables roasting right next to it. There was a pitcher of beer being passed around. Lan Wangji waved it off, sticking to his glass of water instead. He caught Wei Wuxian’s gaze over the table, who gave him a reassuring smile.
Lan Wangji felt some of the tension in his body dissipate. He had been working at the agency for three months now, and they were finally having his “welcome aboard” dinner. He hadn’t found it necessary, but they insisted, and his brother and Huaisang wouldn’t let him get out of it, so he went. When he arrived, he had been an anxious mess, but upon seeing Wei Wuxian, he began to relax, comforted by the fact that he had someone that understood him enough to have his back should he choose to leave.
But as the night progressed, he began to enjoy himself. He found Xue Yang to be a bit much, but A-Qing kept him in line. Song Lan was quiet and reserved like himself, while Xiao Xingcheng was sociable and charming. Mo Xuanyu was a curious, kind man who delighted in learning everything there was to know about Lan Wangji.
“He came from a pretty sheltered home,” Wei Wuxian explained as Mo Xuanyu turned to Wen Ning to engage him in conversation. “His family wasn’t kind to him. They often didn't let him go out. That’s why he’s so curious about everything. It makes him a great event planner since he’s really good at engaging our resources and always comes up with exciting ideas.”
Lan Wangji nodded in understanding, feeling a bit of kinship with the other man. Afterall, he too was a bit broken from his past.
Wen Qing paused their conversation to toast to Lan Wangji. He smiled awkwardly and raised his water. The group cheered and Wei Wuxian laughed in delight at his participation. Lan Wangji felt a myriad of feelings at being able to make Wei Wuxian smile like that, some of them good and some of them nerve wracking.
The night continued on. More drinks were served, more food was eaten, more stories were exchanged and more laughs were had. The restaurant became busier and busier. Lan Wangji anxiety heightened. The excessive noise and people made his senses dull. He took comfort in staying sharp, being aware of his surroundings at all times. That was the only way to make it through the day with his ex. It was a hard habit to quit even after they split.
He leaned across the table and loudly said in Wei Wuxian’s ear, “I’m going to get some air.”
Wei Wuxian gave him a concerned look. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine. It’s just noisy.”
The other man nodded in understanding and let him leave. Lan Wangji bobbed and weaved through the sea of people. He passed a table where a man was standing and flirting with a girl who looked slightly uncomfortable. The man backed into Lan Wangji, causing the pair of them to stumble and the man to spill some of the drink in his hand.
“What the hell man!” The drunk stranger yelled at him. “Watch where you’re fucking going!”
Lan Wangji did not have the energy nor patience to point out that the man backed up into him. He just wanted to go outside and be away from this belligerent stranger. “Sorry,” he said quickly, somewhat dismissively.
“The fuck you’re sorry.” The man set his glass onto the table before grabbing Lan Wangji’s arm tightly. Lan Wangji winced, feeling the area begin to bruise. “I’ll teach you to show some respect.” The man raised his closed fist into the air and Lan Wangji froze like a deer in headlights, his eyes widening in fear.
He turned his face away, waiting for a punch that did not come. When he turned back again, he saw Wei Wuxian holding the man’s wrist, his eyes dark, his smile fake and dangerous.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Wei Wuxian threatened, his smile never wavering.
“Who the hell are you?!” The man spat.
“None of your concern. Look, it was an accident, you got an apology, now move along.”
Lan Wangji swore he could hear the man’s bones creak under Wei Wuxian’s grip. “Alright, alright!” The man conceded with a pained cry. Wei Wuxian let his wrist go and the man slipped away like a whimpering animal.
Wei Wuxian’s face softened instantly as he turned to Lan Wangji. “Are you alright?” he asked in concern.
The reality of what had happened hit Lan Wangji suddenly like a train. He began to heave and his eyes stung. He was gasping like a fish out of water, desperate for air. The situation felt familiar, too familiar, and he hated it. He thought he was doing better. He wanted to do better. Why wasn’t he better?
Wei Wuxian reached out a hand, clearly wanting to touch but respecting Lan Wangji’s rule of no touching. Right now Lan Wangji wanted nothing more than for Wei Wuxian to touch him, to take him somewheres safe. His brother and Nie Huaisang weren’t here to do it. Wei Wuxian was the only one he trusted outside of them to take care of him. He nodded and Wei Wuxian instantly wrapped his arm around him gently, leading him towards the exit.
“Breath, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian murmured softly into his ear. When they were outside, he sank them down to sit on the curb. “Follow me. Deep breath in, long exhale.”
Lan Wangji watched Wei Wuxian’s chest and tried his best to follow. It was difficult at first, his breaths still quick and exhales short, but he was familiar with this method. He had years of practice, afterall.
Eventually, his breathing evened out. His face was stained with tear tracks and his eyes were more than likely puffy. Wei Wuxian smiled softly at him despite all this. “Are you alright?” Lan Wangji nodded, but Wei Wuxian gave him a skeptical look. “Lan Zhan, what happened?”
Lan Wangji sighed and curled into himself. He wanted to feel small now. He wanted to disappear.
At his silence, Wei Wuxian said, “You don’t have to tell me if you-”
“No,” Lan Wangji interrupted. “I will tell you.” It was terrifying to do so, but his brother and Nie Huaisang were hours away and it was late. He needed to talk about it. His therapist told him not to bottle things up and to tell people he trusted. He could trust Wei Wuxian.
“My mother died when I was young. My father was never around, so any love and affection came from my mother. To her, her children were her entire world. Her love for my brother and I was all consuming. When she died, there was no one else to give me that kind of love.” He took a shuddering breath. Wei Wuxian squeezed his shoulder in encouragement. “Then I met Li Feng. He was sweet at first. He was interested in me like no one else was and he gave me the love I had been missing. But soon, that love became possessive. He was jealous of everyone and anyone I met. He began to demand to know where I was going and with who. He would get angry if I didn’t respond to him fast enough, or if I spent time with anyone outside of my family. He accused me of things I didn’t do to justify his actions.”
He felt a tear or two slip down his cheek. He ignored it and continued. “I began to realize that his love was nothing like what my mother gave. It was suffocating. But by then, it was too late. The damage was done. I began to believe his words. I thought that if I left, no one would love me again. I didn’t exactly have a long list of suitors before him. So I stayed. And I was miserable. And one day I snapped, and so did he. He punched me.” Wei Wuxian gasped softly. “Nothing was broken thankfully, but it left a large bruise and was swollen. I hadn’t planned on telling anyone, until my friend Nie Huaisang stopped by the apartment. He called the police and we filed a report. He’s in jail now.”
Wei Wuxian was silent for a few beats. “So when the guy…”
Lan Wangji nodded, not needing him to finish to know what he was trying to ask. He closed his eyes and willed away the tears that threatened to form behind his eyelids. “I thought I was better, Wei Ying. I moved. I started over. It’s been so long. So why-” He swallowed the lump in his throat.
Wei Wuxian squeezed his shoulder gently. “Sometimes, it takes more than time, more than distance. Sometimes it’s the people around you that can help pull you out of that place.”
Lan Wangji looked into Wei Wuxian’s pale eyes. He took note of his small smile. He felt some of the pain melt from his heart. Was that an offer? Why did Lan Wangji want it to be an offer?
“Thank you for telling me, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said after he stayed silent. “I know it must have been hard, but I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me. And I want you to know that I’m always here if you need me.” Lan Wangji gave him a skeptical look, which made Wei Wuxian chuckle. “I’m serious! Call me anytime. I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”
He wasn’t sure why, but he believed him. He somehow knew that if this were to happen again, he could call Wei Wuxian and he would come running. He hadn't felt that with anyone outside of his brother or friend. He doesn’t feel that way about anyone else at his job, though he thinks they wouldn’t shun him either.
Perhaps he was getting better. Perhaps he could move on. For the first time in a long time, he hoped.
—
When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things
I see the familiar
I was little, I was weak, I was perfect too
Now I’m a broken mirror
Lan Wangji had come up with multiple projects, but without a sense of the community, he was not sure which one was needed.
“I volunteer at an orphanage. I go there every Saturday to visit the children. Maybe you can come along, if you’d like,” Wei Wuxian offered. “The best way to know what’s most needed for a community is from those who need it most.”
That’s how Lan Wangji found himself standing outside his apartment building on Saturday in jeans and a cotton t-shirt, waiting for Wei Wuxian to pick him up. A red car pulled up in front of him, blasting the latest popular OST to a drama. The door opened and Lan Wangji was greeted with a sunny smile. Wei Wuxian raced around the car to him.
“Hey, Lan Zhan!” he greeted cheerfully.
“Good morning, Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji replied.
Wei Wuxian opened the car door and waved his arm for him to take a seat. Lan Wangji felt his ears heat at the gesture. Once they were settled, they made their way towards the orphanage. The car ride was filled with Wei Wuxian’s cheerful chatter about the start of his weekend. Lan Wangji gave him a small smile and replied with encouraging noises to show he was listening.
“How did you come to volunteer at the orphanage?” Lan Wangji asked once Wei Wuxian had finished with his story.
“I lived there for a while,” Wei Wuxian replied nonchalantly.
Lan Wangji’s eyes widened in shock. “…do you mind if I ask…” He trailed off. Wei Wuxian chuckled.
“Not at all! I’m happy to share with you.” He gave Lan Wangji a meaningful smile, making his ears heat once again. “My parents passed away in a car accident when I was five. They were both estranged from their family. They kind of bonded because of that. But, that left me with nowhere to go, so I was taken to the orphanage. In a way, I was lucky. The couple that runs the place are well educated, and do thorough background checks on their staff and potential foster and adoptive families. That’s why I still keep in touch with them and volunteer. Anyways, I lived there for about a year until my parent’s college friend heard what had happened and decided to foster me.”
“Just foster?”
“Yeah. Madam Yu never quite liked me. She thought Uncle Jiang played favorites and believed that I was constantly trying to one up her son. But she didn’t want to look like a monster to all her hoity toity friends, so she allowed Uncle Jiang to foster me, but never adopt.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sure that was never your intention.”
Wei Wuxian smiled softly at him. “Thanks, Lan Zhan. You’re right, it wasn’t. But it didn’t really matter in the end. I had a home and by all means a family. Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli considered me their brother, and we still see each other as often as we can. And I keep in touch with Uncle Jiang. It may not have been perfect, but it wasn’t bad either.”
Lan Wangji nodded, yet remained somewhat confused. He wasn’t sure how Wei Wuxian could see the bright side of things despite being treated horribly by his foster mother and losing his parents.
He didn’t have time to ponder on it too much, as the car pulled into the parking lot. Wei Wuxian ran around the side of the car once more to open the door for Lan Wangji before leading him into the building. It was a two story building with a mural on the outside walls and a large playground to the right. He could hear the sounds of children screaming and laughing.
“A-Ying!” an older woman said brightly, pulling him into a hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“Granny, I’m here every week,” Wei Wuxian said with a laugh. He gestured to Lan Wangji. “This is my friend Lan Zhan. We work together. He’s going to be helping today if that’s alright.”
“Of course! The more the merrier.” She gave him a warm smile that reminded him so much of his mother’s. “It’s so nice to meet you. And such a handsome man! A-Ying didn’t mention how handsome you were.”
“Granny!” Wei Wuxian hissed, his cheeks flushing. Lan Wangji's heart jumped at the thought of Wei Wuxian talking about him to other people.
“Alright, alright. I’ll stop teasing. Come inside, both of you. The children will be coming in from recess soon.”
Granny led them through the orphanage, explaining to Lan Wangji the facilities and how many children they have. When they arrived outside, Wei Wuxian was instantly tackled by a group of children.
“Alright, calm down everyone!” Wei Wuxian laughed, ruffling each of their heads. He convinced them to return to their play. Once the crowd left, a shy boy with a stuffed bunny ran up to him.
“Wei-gege!” He exclaimed, giving the man a toothy smile.
“How’s my little radish?” Wei Wuxian said, pulling him into a hug. He listened attentively as the boy shared how his week was going.
The scene before Lan Wangji was touching and made his heart flutter. Wei Wuxian really is a kind man, Lan Wangji thought.
Just then, the recess bell rang and Granny hearded the children into the building. The pair followed the group into a classroom, where another volunteer was setting up art supplies. She asked if they could help her with class, which they readily agreed. After art was more playtime in the playroom (“It’s best to wear them out before nap time,” Granny explained secretly). Wei Wuxian talked to Granny as Lan Wangji surveyed the room. Cliques of friends began to form. The boy Wei Wuxian called his little radish though, was all alone. He hugged his stuffed rabbit tightly against his chest as he flipped through a book. Lan Wangji felt drawn towards him, seeing himself in the boy. He walked over and took a seat next to him.
“Hello,” he greeted.
“Hi,” the boy responded shyly.
“My name is Lan Zhan. What’s yours?”
“A-Yuan.”
“It’s nice to meet you A-Yuan.”
“You too. Are you Wei-gege’s friend?”
“I am. We work together.”
“At the music factory?!”
Is that how Wei Wuxian referred to their place of work? He sighed. “Yes, at the music factory.”
“What instra- ingsta-”
“Instrument.”
“Instrument! What instrument do you play, Lan-gege?”
“The violin.”
“Wei-gege plays the flute! Have you played together?”
“We have not.”
“You should! Then you can come perform for us!”
“That’s a very good idea, A-Yuan. Would you like to perform with us as well?”
A-Yuan sighed. “I don’t know how to play an instrument. Granny doesn’t have any and says it’s too expensive to buy them and pay for a teacher.”
An idea struck Lan Wangji then. “If you had an instrument and teacher, would you like to learn?”
A-Yuan’s eyes widened. “Yes, please!”
Lan Wangji chuckled at his enthusiasm. “Alright. I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you, Lan-gege!”
“You’re welcome. What book do you have?”
A-Yuan showed him the book. It was “The Tale of Peter Rabbit.” He felt a fond pang in his heart upon seeing the book. It was his favorite as a child, one his mother read to him nearly every night. “Do you like this book?”
“Yes, but I can’t read it yet, so I just look at the pictures.”
“Would you like me to read it to you?”
A-Yuan gasped. “Really?! Can you please?”
“Of course.” Lan Wangji settled against the wall and allowed A-Yuan to cuddle up next to him so he could look at the pictures. He began to read. When he finished, it was time for the children to lay down for a nap.
“Thank you, Lan-gege,” A-Yuan said with a brilliant smile, before pulling Lan Wangji into a hug. He was stunned at first, but returned the gentle hug with one of his own. He waved back at A-Yuan as he left the room.
He stood up and looked to Wei Wuxian, who was giving him a soft, fond smile. Lan Wangji became flustered under his gaze. Wei Wuxian chuckled and left to help the children settle.
“Granny,” Lan Wangji asked once he had left, “could you tell me about A-Yuan?”
“Ah, that sweet child,” Granny said fondly. “He’s an exceptional boy. He’s smart, gentle and very kind. But he’s also quiet and shy. The other kids will pick on him at times, so he tends to keep to himself.”
Lan Wangji felt a wave of familiarity in her words. He knew better than anyone what that was life. His heart broke a little for A-Yuan. He was a good kid, with so much curiosity and a willingness to learn. He wanted more than anything to give him the opportunity, to give him a space where he belonged.
Once Wei Wuxian returned, the pair bid their goodbyes and went on their way.
“So,” Wei Wuxian said once they were on the road, “what did you think?”
“It’s a very nice place,” Lan Wangji replied. “I understand why you think so highly of it.”
“I’m glad you think so.” There was a moment of silence. “A-Yuan seemed to latch onto you pretty quickly. That’s rare.”
“He’s a wonderful child.”
“Yeah, my little radish is the best,” Wei Wuxian said fondly, clearly having a soft spot for the child.
“He gave me a good idea for a project.”
“Really? What is it?”
“I want to open a concert hall.”
“A concert hall?”
“Yes. And I want there to be orchestra classes and instruments provided for children and teenagers in need. There can be a program at the end of the year to fundraise and showcase what they have learned. It could also be a great opportunity to bring traveling orchestras to the area and provide more revenue for the community.”
Wei Wuxian beamed at Lan Wangji. “Lan Zhan, you’re an absolute genius.”
Lan Wangji squirmed under his praise, but couldn’t help but smile.
—
But I can't let you see all that I have to lose
And all I’ve lost in the fight to protect it
I can't let you in, I swore never again
I can't afford to let myself be blindsided
If Lan Wangji thought they spent a lot of time together before, they were damn near inseparable now. The process to create a concert hall took a lot more work than Lan Wangji could ever imagine. There were meetings with the city to attend, permits to get, presentations for sponsors to do, teams and contractors to coordinate with. It was overwhelming, but with Wei Wuxian and the rest of the team's help, it became bearable.
Still, it didn’t make up for the string of late nights he spent in the office trying to finish proposals and powerpoints before their deadline. Despite his insistence, Wei Wuxian always stayed behind with him, ordering them food and forcing him to take a break so they could eat.
It was on one such break that he asked Wei Wuxian why he, as the founder, was not CEO of the agency.
“Because Wen Qing’s better,” Wei Wuxian replied before slurping more terrifyingly red noodles into his mouth.
“How so?”
“I may have come up with the idea of the agency, but I don’t have the ability to focus on one thing for longer than thirty minutes, and structure and I don’t get along. But Wen Qing thrives in a structured environment and is able to focus and get the job done.” He ate some more. “I’m very aware of my own shortcomings. It’s why I decided to take up the role of project director. It allows me to be creative and no two days are the same once a project gets going, which I like.”
Oh. Lan Wangji hadn’t been expecting that answer. His ex had never been willing to admit his faults or wrong doings. He would instead bolster himself up and project his insecurities onto others, often Lan Wangji. But Wei Wuxian was fully ready to admit that he wasn’t perfect while still knowing that he had value. Sometimes it took Lan Wangji’s breath away at how different this man was.
While Lan Wangji already knew that Wei Wuxian was not the same as his ex, he began to dive deeper into all the ways he was not.
It started out small. He would ask Wei Wuxian his thoughts on an idea he had for the project.
“That’s a great idea, Lan Zhan! You’re so good at this. I’m glad you're here.”
Lan Wangji spent the rest of the work day in a daze.
He took it up a notch after that, asking for Wei Wuxian’s opinion on more physical things. He’d ask what he thought of a new top he bought or which outfit he should wear to a meeting. Once, he walked into work wearing a beautiful pair of dangling pearl earrings that Nie Huaisang had gifted him years ago. His ex had hated when he wore anything other than a stud, accusing him of being ostentatious and fishing for compliments and attention. But when Wei Wuxian saw him, his cheeks turned a light pink.
“Wow Lan Zhan, you look beautiful.” The pair froze. “I mean, your earrings look beautiful! Ya, just the earrings haha. What’s that Wen Qing? Coming!”
Lan Wangji had screamed into his pillow for a solid five minutes after relaying the story to Nie Husaisang over the phone.
“Oh my god, you’ve both got it so bad,” his friend said. Lan Wangji refused to acknowledge his statement.
He changed tactics after that embarrassment. He instead began to share tidbits about his hobbies and interests during their overtime meal conversations. He shared his love for romance novels and fashion, his guilty pleasure of eating something sweet while watching Chinese dramas and that he enjoyed visiting art museums despite not understanding much about modern art. He liked classical and soft guitar music, but also liked going to rock concerts. All of these were things his ex took no interest in, and would often push aside for his own. But Wei Wuxian shared many similar interests, and for those he didn’t, he asked all kinds of exploratory questions seemingly genuinely interested in what Lan Wangji had to say. He was shocked when Wei Wuxian looked up local art galleries and asked if he wanted to go. How could he say no?
His final test came one Sunday when he finally agreed to have dinner at Wei Wuxian’s place. Lan Wangji would admit that he didn’t have the most adventurous of palates. He enjoyed mild flavors and roasted vegetables. His ex often complained about it, picking restaurants that fit his tastes better or forcing Lan Wangji to make his own meals. And he was well aware that Wei Wuxian could pour half a bottle of chili oil onto his meal and say it's still not spicy enough.
But as he entered Wei Wuxian’s apartment, he saw a plate of stir fried vegetables and tofu and two bowls of noodles, one of which was not making his eyes water from spice.
Lan Wangji sat down feeling entirely bewildered and touched. He was used to hearing that his tastes were too complicated, yet this man made a meal to his liking and didn’t complain once. After they finished the meal, Wei Wuxian led him to the couch and pulled up the drama he was watching. He excused himself halfway through an episode to retrieve two bowls of ice cream, handing one to Lan Wangji. He then sat back down, chattering away about what was happening on screen, completely unaware of Lan Wangji’s mini meltdown over what he was doing to him.
Lan Wangji didn’t sleep that night, replaying what he had just witnessed instead. Was it always this easy? Was it meant to be this easy? Was he really not too much?
He went to work the next day in a daze, still stunned from the night before. When he arrived at his floor, he saw Wei Wuxian handing out donuts to all the staff.
“What’s this for, Wei Wuxian?” Xiao Xingchen asked sweetly.
“Just because!”
“Wei Wuxian? Buying us something just because? What, did you get laid or something last night?” Xue Yang joked.
A-Qing smacked him on the back of the head as Wei Wuxian suddenly noticed Lan Wangji’s prescenese. He flushed and laughed awkwardly at Xue Yang’s comment.
“No, no, nothing like that. Just think of it as a reward for all your hard work. Lan Zhan!” He rushed over. “Morning!”
“Good morning.”
“Here,” he pulled out the only wrapped donut in the box, handing it to him.
Lan Wangji pulled back the wrapping to find a frosted bunny on the top of the donut.
“I got it especially for you! I saw it and thought you might like it. Anyways, I had fun yesterday. We should do it again soon.”
Just then, Wen Qing called him over to retrieve her donut. Wei Wuxian ran off with a laugh about everyone picking on him today. Lan Wangji was left frozen holding the donut Wei Wuxian had bought specially for him. No one had done that for him before. Sure his brother and Nie Huaisang had gifted him things, but they had never gone out of their way at the bakery to get him a bunny donut.
And then it hit him. His entire world shifted and his heart began to race. He loved Wei Wuxian. He had been fooling himself, attempting to tiptoe around the real reason why he was feeling the way he was, but he couldn’t avoid it any longer. What Lan Wangji had thought was an experiment on all the ways Wei Wuxian was different from his ex ended up being a list of all the reasons Lan Wangji was falling for the man. He had been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but there was no shoe. Wei Wuxian was a genuine, kind, considerate man that Lan Wangji was in love with.
What now?
—
I'm standing guard, I'm falling apart
And all I want is to trust you
Show me how to lay my sword down
For long enough to let you through
Here I am, pry me open
What do you want to know?
I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough
To hold the door shut
And bury my innocence
Lan Wangji was in Wei Wuxian’s apartment, chatting while the man cooked them yet another meal, when he received a phone call. He excused himself and stepped into the living room.
“Ge,” he said with a smile as he answered the phone.
“Wangji,” came a reply. Lan Xichen’s voice sounded serious.
“Ge? What is it?”
“Wangji, I just received a call from the jail. Li Feng has been released.”
Lan Wangji felt his entire body freeze with fear. He was pretty sure he had stopped breathing, and he felt himself begin to shake. A voice was calling to him, but it sounded so far away. His face felt wet and he heard the sound of sobbing, though he wasn’t sure who was doing so. He felt as if he had no control of his body, like he was floating above it.
The phone was ripped out of his hands and he looked up to see the blurry figure of Wei Wuxian through his tears. He was saying something on the phone, but he couldn’t make out any of the words. Eventually, he put down the phone and sat on the couch, pulling Lan Wangji into his lap and holding him tightly.
“Breath,” Wei Wuxian said gently into his ear.
Lan Wangji tried, but it was hard. Every breath came as a gasp. His throat hurt from the sobs.
“He’s out,” Lan Wangji said through gasps. “He’s out and he’s coming for me.”
“I know, sweetheart. He won’t come for you though. I won’t let him. But I need you to breathe for me right now, ok? Breath. In, out. In, out.”
It took him a while, but he came back to himself slowly. He felt the heaviness of his body, Wei Wuxian’s arms wrapped tightly around him, the way his chest stung.
“Are you alright?” Wei Wuxian asked, stroking his hair.
Lan Wangji shook his head miserably. Wei Wuxian handed him a tissue, and he wiped the tears and snot off his face. “I’m so afraid of Wei Ying. I thought I was stronger now, but I’m not.”
“Lan Zhan, you are strong. You are the strongest person I know. It took so much courage to move to another city and start over despite all you’ve been through.”
Lan Wangji buried his face in Wei Wuxian’s chest, seeking comfort and warmth.
“What if he comes looking for me? What if he finds me?”
“He won’t,” Wei Wuxian nearly growled. “I won’t let him, Lan Zhan. I’ll protect you. I promise.”
Lan Wangji pulled back to look at him in something akin to hope. “Why?”
Wei Wuxian chuckled nervously. “I know it’s probably not the best time, and don’t feel obligated to say anything, but I like you, Lan Zhan. I really like you. A lot.”
Lan Wangji felt tears pour down his cheeks once more, sudden and unrelenting. Wei Wuxian gave him a look of pure panic.
“Oh no, Lan Zhan, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to upset you.” He hurriedly wiped the tears from Lan Wangji’s cheeks.
“Wei Ying,” he hiccuped. “Wei Ying, I like you too. I like you so much. But I’m afraid, Wei Ying. I don’t know how to do this. And I want to trust you, I do trust you, but it’s so hard.”
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying cooed, pressing his forehead against Lan Wangji’s. “I’m not going to pressure you. We’ll do this at your speed. You can trust me. I’ll spend every day proving to you that you can.”
Lan Wangji stared into Wei Wuxian’s deep, earnest eyes and felt nothing but safety and warmth and love. He wanted to feel that way always, to have those eyes on him forever and never look away. And it was being offered to him on a metaphorical silver platter. Why was he denying himself everything he ever wanted?
He lunged forward and captured Wei Wuxian’s lips in a searing kiss. The man let out a noise of surprise, before pulling Lan Wangji closer and melting into the kiss. It was wet and sloppy, but it was also hungry and full of passion. Lan Wangji grabbed Wei Wuxian’s face between his hands and held him there, never wanting to part from those warm lips.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian panted against his lips once he managed to escape Lan Wangji’s hold. “Lan Zhan, are you sure you want this?”
“Yes,” he replied breathlessly. “Yes. I like you, Wei Ying. I trust you. I want you. Please, hold me.”
“Always,” the other replied before capturing his lips once more and lifting him up so they could move to the bedroom.
—
But here's a map, here's a shovel
Here’s my Achilles' heel
I’m all in, palms out, I’m at your mercy now
And I'm ready to begin
I am strong, I am strong, I am strong enough to let you in
Wei Wuxian gently placed him on the bed before stepping back to strip. Lan Wangji followed suit, clumsily pulling his shirt over his head and kicking off his pants. Wei Wuxian chuckled at his impatience.
“Lay back baby,” Wei Wuxian said.
Lan Wangji laid against the pillows and watched enraptured as Wei Wuxian crawled over him before capturing his lips in a hot kiss. He moaned into it as the man’s hands began to travel up and down his torso, flicking his nipples along the way.
“Relax sweetheart. I’ll make you feel good,” Wei Wuxian whispered hotly against his lips before moving down to suck on one of his nipples. Lan Wangji placed a hand over his mouth to quiet the loud moan he let out.
“It’s ok baby. Let it out. Let me hear you,” Wei Wuxian coaxed and moved onto the other nipple.
Lan Wangji tangled his hands into the man’s hair and moaned wantonly. He felt Wei Wuxian rut against his leg, clearly excited by the sounds Lan Wangji was making.
Wei Wuxian pulled away from Lan Wangji’s chest and reached into a bedside drawer to retrieve a bottle of lube. “When was the last time you did this sweetheart?”
“I’ve used toys, but nothing since…” he trailed off.
“It’s alright, Lan Zhan. I’ll go slow, be sure to open you up properly.”
Lan Wangji nodded, flushed from embarrassment by Wei Wuxian’s words, but also touched by his consideration. He let Wei Wuxian lift a pillow under his hips and waited for the cold sensation of lube on his skin.
It never came. Instead, a tongue kitten licked at his hole. Lan Wangji threw his head back and gasped.
“Wei Ying!”
“Shh, just relax. I’ve got you. Gotta prep you good baby.”
Lan Wangji grasped the sheets tightly in his fists as the man’s tongue pushed its way inside his hole. He listened to the sloppy slurping sounds coming from below and groaned. It was euphoric. It was embarrassing. It was hot. He tried squirming away from Wei Wuxian’s tongue, but he grabbed his hips and held him down. He gave up, lying helpless and moaning as Wei Wuxian ate him out.
When he finally pulled away, his tongue was instantly replaced by a lubed finger. Lan Wangji gasped, feeling overstimulated and hot. Wei Wuxian pumped his finger in and out of him quickly, adding a second and third finger until Lan Wangji felt full and on the edge.
“Wei Ying, please, please I’m ready,” Lan Wangji begged.
Wei Wuxian smiled and leaned down. Teasingly, he asked, “Please what, Lan Zhan?”
Lan Wangji groaned, embarrassed at having to say it. But his need to cum far outweighed his ego. “Fuck me! Please fuck me, Wei Ying!”
“Good baby. You’re so good,” he praised, as he lined himself up.
He entered Lan Wangji slowly, inch by inch, letting him adjust to the stretch. When he bottomed out, he pulled back and slammed in. Lan Wangji cried out, grasping onto Wei Wuxian’s shoulder to ground himself. He moaned and rocked into Wei Wuxian’s thrusts, begging for “more” and “harder” and “faster.” Wei Wuxian granted every request. He leaned forward and bit at Lan Wangji’s neck, praising him in between.
Lan Wangji felt himself reaching his limit, but he held on, not ready to let go. Wei Wuxian must have somehow known this, as he pulled back and gently cupped one of Lan Wangji’s cheeks.
“Let go, Lan Zhan.”
That was the nail in the coffin. He threw his head back, crying out, tears falling down his face. Wei Wuxian continued to thrust into him as he came down from his high. Lan Wangji begged him to cum, feeling overstimulated and exhausted. With one final thrust and a grunt, Wei Wuxian came, filling him up to the brim. Lan Wangji sighed contently at the feeling, stroking Wei Wuxian’s hair and allowing him to collapse on top of him.
Once Wei Wuxian regained control of his body, he stood up, padding over to the bathroom to retrieve a washcloth. He gently yet thoroughly cleaned Lan Wangji before wiping himself down. He threw the washcloth in the general direction of his hamper and crawled under the blankets, gathering Lan Wangji into his arms as he did so.
“How are you feeling, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asked, pressing a kiss onto the crown of his head.
Lan Wangji still felt floaty, but he took stock of himself to the best of his ability. His ass was sore (in the best way) and his limbs felt like jello. But, he no longer felt afraid. Instead, he felt safe, wrapped in Wei Wuxian’s warmth and affection. He liked Wei Wuxian, and Wei Wuxian liked him in return. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he could have this- the affections of someone so supportive and caring and understanding. He was on cloud nine.
He buried his face into Wei Wuxian’s neck and said, “I’m good. I’m happy. I like you, Wei Ying.”
Wei Wuxian chuckled. “I like you too, Lan Zhan.”
“So…does this mean we’re boyfriend’s now?”
“Only if you want us to be. I won’t pressure you.”
“I want it, Wei Ying. I want it so badly.”
Wei Wuxian held him tighter. “Me too, sweetheart. Get some sleep, alright? We can talk more in the morning.”
Lan Wangji drifted off to sleep with a dopey smile on his face and the word ‘boyfriend’ echoing through his mind.
—
I’ll shake the ground with all my might
I will pull my whole heart up to the surface
For the innocent, for the vulnerable
I'll show up on the front lines with a purpose
When Lan Wangji woke the next morning, the sun was higher in the sky than normal. He blinked his eyes open and felt fingers gently carding through his hair. The chest underneath his cheek rose steadily.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” Wei Wuxian said, kissing the top of his head.
“Morning,” Lan Wangji replied groggily. “Have you been awake long?”
“Nah, just about thirty minutes or so.”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji snuggled against Wei Wuxian’s neck, placing a kiss onto it.
“Lan Zhan, don’t get mad, but I did a little research.”
Lan Wangji sat up so he could look at the other. “On what?”
“Support groups.”
“Oh.” He looked at his hands and began to fidget. Wei Wuxian sat up next to him.
“You don’t have to go, but I found one at the community center. They meet every Sunday, in an hour actually.”
Lan Wangji sent him a sad look. “But I was hoping to spend the day with you.”
Wei Wuxian smiled warmly at him and kissed his cheek. “We can, baby. I’ll take you there and wait for you outside. Maybe we can go to that cafe you like for lunch afterwards.”
He stayed silent, contemplating. His brother had suggested support groups after the incident, but he hadn’t wanted to think, let alone talk, about what had happened to him at the time. He had wanted to shove it into a box and bury it six feet under. But he and his therapist had been working on telling his story, and with Wei Wuxian by his side supporting him, he felt like maybe he was finally ready.
“Ok. I’ll do it.”
Wei Wuxian smiled and peppered his face with a hundred kisses. If that was the response he got, Lan Wangji was willing to go anywhere for the man.
After a cup of tea that Wei Wuxian had prepared for him, the pair got dressed and made their way to the community center. They followed the signs that led to a small conference room. Chairs were positioned in a circle in the middle of the room, and a small group of people mingled throughout, holding cups of coffee and munching on cookies as they chatted, waiting for the meeting to start.
“Hi there,” a pretty woman greeted. “My name is Luo Qingyang. I run this group. I haven’t seen you before. Are you looking to join?”
Lan Wangji nodded mutely, suddenly feeling nervous. Wei Wuxian grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Yes, this is my boyfriend, Lan Wangji. He’s looking to join.”
“That’s wonderful! It’s nice to meet you, Lan Wangji. Thank you for joining us today.” She turned to Wei Wuxian. “Unfortunately, guests aren’t allowed to sit in due to confidentiality. You’re more than welcome to grab a drink and cookie and wait outside though.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that,” Wei Wuxian responded with his signature grin.
She responded with a smile of her own and turned to Lan Wangji. “Join us whenever you’re ready.”
“Thank you,” he said finally.
She left the pair alone. “Are you gonna be ok?” Wei Wuxian asked.
Lan Wangji took a deep breath and nodded. “I think so.”
Wei Wuxian gave him a warm, reassuring smile and kissed him chastly on the lips. “You’ve got this, sweetheart. If you need me, I’ll be right outside, alright?”
Lan Wangji nodded and watched as he walked out of the room. He made his way to the circle of chairs and sat next to Luo Qingyang. She asked him to introduce himself to the group before picking up where they left off last meeting. It was trying, and he didn’t talk that much, but he felt a weight lift off his shoulders as the meeting progressed. He felt seen by the people sitting around him, heard and understood. Their situation was one that was both unique and unfortunately common, and no one knew better the emotions and trauma that came along with it than those that lived it. And while their group was not large, he felt like he had a community, a space outside of Wei Ying, his brother and Huaisang where he was protected and cared for.
Wei Wuxian stood as he walked outside, looking nervous. Still, he opened his arms wide, and Lan Wangji walked right into them.
“How was it?” Wei Wuxian asked.
“Good. Scary. Tiring.”
His boyfriend chuckled. “That’s a lot of different emotions.”
“Mn.”
“How about we get you some tea and pastries to help you destress?”
“Yes please.”
Wei Wuxian wrapped his arm around his waist as the pair walked down the street to the cafe.
The rest of the month flew by in a blurr. His weekends and evenings after work were spent with Wei Wuxian, either at his apartment or the other’s. Wen Qing had been hesitant to let them continue working on the project together since they were dating, but they assured her the project was their top priority, and they wouldn’t let feelings get in the way. Thus, their days at work were spent hustling to get the finishing touches done on the concert hall.
Finally, the project was complete, and the team was able to rest until the grand opening event that weekend. They went out to a small celebratory dinner where everyone gave Lan Wangji an abundance of compliments that made him flush. Wei Wuxian and the other’s teased him for it, but he saw the knowing smile his boyfriend gave him after, one that said ‘this is the way it is, get used to it.’ Lan Wangji didn’t think he ever would, but he reveled in the knowledge that his coworkers cared and thought so highly of him. The list of people he considered his family was starting to grow at an unprecedented rate.
The evening of the grand opening event for the concert hall arrived. Wei Wuxian came to Lan Wangji’s to get ready. Nie Huaisang, Nie Mingjue, and Lan Xichen all came into town for the event (and as support), and Huaisang had insisted on doing his makeup for it.
“I know there are going to be cameras there, Lan Zhan. What kind of friend would I be if I let you show up a hot mess?”
Lan Wangji didn’t think he would have looked “a hot mess”, but he let Huaisang boss him around anyway. Wei Wuxian entertained his brother and brother-in-law in the living room while they waited for Huaisang to finish painting his face. He tried his hardest to listen to what they were saying from his post on top of the toilet seat in his bathroom, but he was only able to make out a few words here and there. He did hear them laugh a few times, so he took that as a good sign.
“Would you relax?” Nie Huaisang said after he leaned towards the door for the hundredth time in an attempt to hear. “Lan Xichen was practically vibrating with how excited he was to meet your boyfriend, and Da-ge likes anyone that Huan-ge likes, so you have nothing to worry about. Now sit still so we can get this over with faster.”
Lan Wangji sat as still as a statue until Huaisang finished. He held a mirror in front of his face and Lan Wangji rained praises onto his friend, who preened. He then fled the bathroom and quickly made his way into the living room. The trio looked at him upon his arrival.
“Wow, Lan Zhan, you look beautiful,” Wei Wuxian said in breathless awe as he made his way over to him. Lan Wangji flushed, which made Wei Wuxian chuckle and pepper his face with kisses.
“I see Huaisang’s done it again,” Nie Mingjue commented with a proud smile.
“Of course I did! Were there ever any doubts?” Nie Huaisang said from behind him. “Now, let’s get a move on! I may be fashionable, but I hate being late.”
They called for a car to take them so they could drink without having to worry about driving home later. The drive was filled with laughter and chatter, and it warmed Lan Wangji’s heart to see his favorite people in the world get along so well.
They arrived at the hall fifteen minutes later. Lan Wangji looked at it, not for the first time, and felt a mix of nerves and anticipation. The building was large, but not overly so, with modern architecture. They’d already booked out the season for professional shows, and hired a staff of teachers to provide lessons to children who otherwise could not afford it. The event tonight was completely sold out. As it stood, the project was a success, but Lan Wangji still worried.
“It looks great baby,” Wei Wuxian whispered in his ear before kissing his cheek. “This was a great idea. You did such a good job.”
“You think so?”
Before Wei Wuxian could reply, the familiar voice of a toddler echoed through the lobby. “Lan-gege!”
A-Yuan came barreling towards them. Lan Wangji crouched down so he could scoop the boy into his arms. “Hello, A-Yuan. What do you think?”
“It’s so big, Lan-gege! And there are so many insta- intra-”
“Instruments.”
“Instruments!”
“Is there one that A-Yuan likes best?”
A-Yuan thought for a second, tapping his nose. Lan Wangji’s heart lurched at the action. He often saw Wei Wuxian do a similar action. He looked to his boyfriend and found him smiling fondly at the pair.
“I want to play the big, black one!”
Lan Wangji’s brows furrowed in confusion before he realized what A-Yuan was talking about. “The piano?”
“Uh huh! Can Lan-gege teach me?”
“I never learned how to play, but my brother may still remember.”
“What might I remember?” Lan Xichen asked with a smile as he walked over with the rest of his family and their team.
“How to play the piano. A-Yuan wishes to learn.”
“Oh, so you’re the famous A-Yuan!” Lan Xichen exclaimed excitedly. Lan Wangji blushed. He may or may not have gone on and on about A-Yuan one day while on the phone with his brother. And he may or may not have made hypothetical plans about adopting the boy one day. And his brother may or may not have approved of said plan. “I would love to teach you, A-Yuan!”
A-Yuan cheered and asked to be held by Lan Xichen so he could as him all kinds of questions about the piano.
“The show’s about to begin, Wen Qing said. “Are you boys ready?”
Along with cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, they invited a famous orchestra to perform until the city could form one of their own. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian were set to give a speech before the performance, explaining the project and their future plans for it. It sounded good on paper, but now that it was happening, Lan Wangji felt like throwing up. He looked around, trying to find an exit to flee to, when he felt a hand squeeze his shaking one. He turned to see Wei Wuxian staring at him.
“You can do this, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said with a reassuring smile.
He relaxed instantly and returned his boyfriend’s smile. For the first time in a long time, Lan Wangji believed he could too.
—
And I’ll give all I have
I'll give my blood, give my sweat—
An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken
I’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again
Invincible like I've never been
The event went better than Lan Wangji expected. Everything went smoothly, the orchestra sounded amazing, and he had received dozens of compliments on the hall and his work. According to Wen Qing, their donations had tripled. The team (and Nie Huaisang) decided to go to a nearby bar to celebrate further, while Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue opted to return to their hotel. Lan Wangji decided to wait for them outside, needing some fresh air and space to breathe. It had been a nail biting evening for him.
He stepped outside and took a deep breath, closing his eyes and letting himself relax. That peace was shattered at the sound of an all too familiar voice.
“Lan Zhan.”
Lan Wangji whipped his head around to see Li Feng standing a few feet from him. His body tensed and his heart rabbeted in his chest. “What are you doing here?” he asked in what he hoped was a steady voice.
“I came to see you,” Li Feng said, taking a step towards him. Lan Wangji took a step back.
“You aren’t allowed to see me. I got a restraining order for that very reason.”
Li Feng scoffed. “Come on, Lan Zhan. Isn’t that a little dramatic? We’ve known each other for years.”
“I knew Li Feng the freshman. I do not know who you are.”
Li Feng’s face twisted into something angry. “Quit playing dumb, Lan Zhan. You know who I am. I’m the man that loved you for years despite everything you put me through.”
Lan Wangji let out a humorless laugh. “What I put you through? Did you forget that you hit me?”
The man retreated. “I didn’t mean to. It was an accident.”
“It wasn’t an accident, Li Feng. And it wasn’t an act of love! You didn’t love me. You loved controlling me. You loved molding me into who you wanted me to be. Well guess what? You don’t control me anymore, and I’m perfect just the way I am. I won’t let you waltz back into my life and try to do it all again. You don’t have the right. You never did.” Lan Wangji's chest rose and fell rapidly. He heard his voice echo off the nearby buildings. He had never talked this loudly to Li Feng, not throughout their entire relationship. It felt empowering to do so now.
“Lan Zhan,” a calming voice called softly. He turned to see Wei Wuxian, Nie Huaisang, and the rest of the team standing behind him, life troops on a battlefield ready to defend their commander. It only bolstered Lan Wangji even more.
“Wei Ying,” he said in a sigh of relief.
“Who the hell is that?!” Li Feng said angrily behind him.
“Who he is is not the concern of strangers,” Lan Wangji spat back.
“Is this what you've been doing? Whoring around with other guys? Does he know that you’re mine?!”
Lan Wangji rounded on the man. “I belong to no one, especially not you. We were over the minute you decided a punch to the face was an act of love. I don’t want to be with you, Li Feng. I don’t love you. I don’t know if I ever did.”
“Why you little-”
Li Feng raised his fist. It was like he was seeing two scenes play out over top of one another- one from almost a year ago, and one in the present. At least this time, Lan Wangji isn’t going down without a fight. At least this time there would be witness to Li Feng’s rage.
The scene was altered, though, when Wei Wuxian threw himself in front of Lan Wangji, taking the punch with a loud thwack. Wei Wuxian was thrown to the pavement by the force of it.
“The fuck?”
“Wei Ying!”
He crouched next to his boyfriend, turning him around so he could look at the damage. His right cheek was red and swollen. He heard a commotion and looked away to see Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan restraining Li Feng, who was putting up a struggle. Nie Huaisang was on the phone with authorities, relaying all the information he knew. The others stood shell shocked at what was happening.
“Ugh, that was not fun,” Wei Wuxian groaned.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji said helplessly. Why would Wei Wuxian do that? Why would he let himself get hurt? He knew Li Feng was going to look for him, and he was prepared to do what he had to do to protect himself and his new life. But now Wei Wuxian had gotten hurt, and his coworkers had to witness it, and he didn’t want any of this. He felt tears stream down his cheek, unable to reign in his emotions further.
“Sweetheart? Are you alright?” Wei Wuxian wiped at his cheeks, causing Lan Wangji to cry harder. “Aw, baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“Wei Ying, why would you do that?”
“Well, truth be told, I actually wanted to knock his lights out. But I figured you wouldn’t like that. And I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want you to think I do that kind of thing too.”
“Wei Ying, I know you would never do anything like that to me. And you’re already so much better than him. But I don’t want you getting hurt for me.”
“Lan Zhan, if you think I’d let you take a punch from that asshole, you’re sorely mistaken. I promised I’d protect you and I meant it. Let me live up to that promise.”
Lan Wangji let Wei Wuxian pull him against his chest and sobbed into his nice shirt. “I’m so proud of you, baby. You were so brave. You’ve grown so much. You can rest easy knowing you stood up to that bully and said everything you needed to say.”
He sniffled. Wei Wuxian was right. He never would’ve been able to say any of this before. He was always the first to give during an argument, not wanting to make Li Feng angrier. But now, he was able to tell him everything he wanted to, every pent up feeling he had since the incident, despite the risk of igniting the man’s rage and violence.
Sirens wailed in the distance. Lan Wangji kept himself buried against Wei Wuxian’s chest as their coworkers came to check on him. He felt a hand rub his back and knew it was Nie Huaisang comforting him.
He thought back on the person he was almost a year ago. He pictured him sitting in front of him on the hard, cold ground. He pictured his sad face, the purple bruise blooming on his face, the lifelessnesses in his eyes. He pictured the old him looking at the scene before him in confusion and fragile hope.
It’s ok, he would say to his other self with a comforting smile. We are going to be ok. It’s not going to be easy, but better days are coming. They will be filled with growth and joy and love, actual love. I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but it’s going to happen. It’s ok to hope. Hope for a better tomorrow, because it’s coming, whether you’re ready or not.
He pictured his other self smiling, small and fragile, but genuine, the first genuine one in a long time. Thank you, his other self said before fading away.
No, thank you, Lan Wangji replied, closing his eyes and holding onto Wei Wuxian tighter.
—
Lan Wangji didn’t believe in fairytale endings. That illusion had been broken for him long ago. But, if such a thing did exist, this had to be the closest thing to one.
Li Feng was sent back to prison, this time for longer. He received the maximum sentence of three years due to the stunt he pulled outside the concert hall. This time, as Lan Wangji testified, he held his head high and stared at Li Feng every time he spoke. When he stood, he did not shake.
He felt powerful. He felt confident. He felt like himself again, the old him who he thought was dead and buried six feet under, never to be seen again. But here he was, thriving and surviving. Li Feng couldn’t take that away from him. Not again. And he wanted him to know that as he walked out of the courtroom that day.
He continued to create projects to benefit the community. And, through Luo Qingyang’s encouragement, he became an advocate for domestic violence survivors, traveling from city to city, school to school, community center to community center to share his story. It took him a while to find his voice again, but once he did, he refused to stay silent.
Wei Wuxian proposed on the one year anniversary of the concert hall's opening. He walked onto the stage as romantic music swelled in the background, grabbed the mic, and professed his love and devotion to Lan Wangji, ending with him dropping to one knee. Huaisang and his brother had to practically drag him on stage so that he could give his answer. Of course Lan Wangji was going to say yes, but he hated being in front of big crowds. He had to admit though, it was pretty romantic.
They had a simple, intimate ceremony a month later, wanting to exchange their vows as soon as possible. They knew they were it for one another, so what was the point in waiting?
It definitely had nothing to do with the fact that Lan Wangji had already started the process of becoming A-Yuan’s guardian officially. Not at all. But, with their marriage, it sped up the process, and A-Yuan was able to come home with them two months later. They had never seen a happier child when they went to pick him up that day, and thinking about it still made Wei Wuxian tear up.
“Lan Zhan, we’re home!” Wei Wuxian announced.
“A-die!” A-Yuan exclaimed, running from the front door to the kitchen where Lan Wangji was putting the finishing touches on dinner.
“Hello bunny,” Lan Wangji said as he scooped up his son, placing a kiss on his cheek. “How was the airport?”
“I saw so many big planes! And look!” He showed Lan Wangji a coloring book of famous paintings. “Uncle Huaisang got me a coloring book!”
“That’s very kind of him. Did you thank him?”
“Yes, a-die.”
“Good boy. Will you help a-die set the table?”
“Yes!” He set A-Yuan down and handed him a stack of plates (paper, not ceramic as A-Yuan was still a bit clumsy) before walking into the living room to greet his family.
“Hi sweetheart,” Wei Wuxian said with a big smile, pecking him on the lips.
“Hello, Wei Ying. Thank you for picking them up.”
“Anything for you, Lan Zhan,” his husband replied easily.
Lan Wangji went to hug Lan Xichen, Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang one by one before leading them to the dining room to eat.
The meal was loud and chaotic and full of laughter. It was perfect, a complete contrast to what their dinners looked like a few years ago. He watched the people he loved bicker over how much spice was too much spice to put in food and felt his heart grow three sizes.
No, Lan Wangji did not believe in happily ever after, but he did believe in writing one’s own story, and, well, he had the best ending of them all.