Chapter Text
Chakotay found Janeway pacing in front of Holodeck 2 when he answered her comm call toward the end of alpha shift. The senior staff were scheduled to take shuttles to Earth the next day and the two of them hadn’t had time to exchange more than perfunctory professional words since Voyager had exploded out of the transwarp conduit a few days earlier. She froze when he rounded the curve of the corridor. Startled, he looked behind him, expecting to see something that would put that ‘Hirogen at the door’ expression on her face, but he was plainly the cause of her anxiety.
“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it,” he said, trying to lighten things. She’d been strung tighter than a Vulcan harp since Admiral Janeway’s sudden appearance and Chakotay hadn’t been around the way he normally was, to soothe and calm his captain. Aside from their dramatic departure from the delta quadrant, he’d been preoccupied in a way both welcome and unsettling, getting to know Seven better. It was all still strange and new, and he couldn’t help feeling as if, somehow, he was cheating on Kathryn. Fear suddenly consumed him that in fact he had done the thing that made her look like that, but that was ridiculous. She’d chosen the distance between them. This was what she’d wanted.
Instead of answering the question in his eyes, she looked away, at the holodeck doors, and clasped her hands behind her in a formal posture that made him stand straighter. He always responded to her that way, she realized, mirroring her postures and emotions. No one in her life had ever been so attuned to her, which was not the sort of thing she wanted to think of just now. She shut her eyes and made an imprudent wish that Q would take her away — anywhere — but when she looked again, Chakotay was still there, confusion and some alarm on his face. Having summoned him, she was going to have to do this.
“Before we both leave the ship, I have a bit of a confession to make,” she said.
“A holoconfession?” he said with a relieved chuckle. Nothing that happened on the holodeck could be that bad, as long as no Hirogen were involved. “Don’t tell me – you altered Tom’s Captain Proton program so that Queen Arachnia rules the universe in the end.”
Her smile, genuine and nervous, came and went quickly. “Uh … not exactly. Come on in.” She keyed open the doors and he followed her to the console just inside. “Computer, seal entrance,” she said, and began to type rapid commands. Chakotay glanced at the door and tugged at his ear.
An instant later, a holoimage of him in Maquis clothing, years younger, shimmered onto the grid behind them. Chakotay looked from it to Janeway and back, baffled.
“You programmed … me? Why?”
Janeway stepped away from the console, taking a deep breath. “This will be a shock, and I apologize. I almost told you when Tuvok’s tactical scenario about a mutiny came to light and led to the unpleasantness Seska left behind for us. The truth is, Tuvok isn’t the only one who holoprogrammed potential scenarios involving the former Maquis crew members. Even before I asked you to become my first officer, I programmed this one, but there are many more. I recorded every interaction in the ship’s log so that the admiralty would be able to review them, but I’ve decided that since these were only training scenarios, so to speak, it’s acceptable to delete them. Before I do, though, I think I owe you the opportunity to see them. If you want to.” With a dismissive wave, she suggested that this was not a very interesting prospect.
Chakotay went paler than usual. “Yes. I want to see.”
At his affirmation, Janeway grew markedly paler herself, but she swallowed, nodded, and stepped up to tap more commands into the console. “Very well. These are playbacks, so you’ll see me, as I was then, interacting with the hologram representing you. I was trying to evaluate your potential reactions.” Side-eyeing him, Janeway pushed a button and her ready room lit up around them. Her younger self, hair piled on top of her head, strode in from the bridge.
“You asked to see me,” holoChakotay said. “I’m glad. There are a few things I’d like to discuss about housing my crewmembers.”
Younger Janeway held up a hand. “We will discuss all that. I have an offer that may go some way toward resolving the problem of the two crews. Please, have a seat.”
Facing him across her desk, she continued. “We have a long journey across the Delta quadrant. To me, the most important thing is to make that journey as a Starfleet crew. I am willing to make significant compromises to bring that about. For example, in exchange for your endorsement of Starfleet principles as the guiding command structure aboard Voyager, I would be willing to turn over command to you.”
“Computer, halt program,” Chakotay said, incredulous. “Kathryn, what is this? You were considering giving me command of Voyager? Since when?”
Janeway braced herself. He was standing only a few feet from her and had gone rather red. His anger wouldn’t be long in coming as he watched more. She knew her angry warrior well enough to predict that much. This was likely to break their friendship – she’d known it when she called him here. But she couldn’t simply delete the scenarios without being honest with him. That would be a worse betrayal.
“It was one of the options I explored,” she said. “But the holoscenarios suggested that you would be willing to accept a role as second in command, so that was what I offered. Watch. Computer, resume playback.”
HoloChakotay leaned in. “You don’t have to turn over your ship, Captain. All I want is for my crew to be treated fairly. We don’t have a lot of options. We’re willing to integrate into a Starfleet ship if you’re willing to give us a chance.”
“Computer, halt program,” Janeway said. “You see, you gave me the solution yourself. We had enough intelligence on you before the mission – from your time at the Academy and in Starfleet – that the simulations were very accurate. And of course as you added your own data – personal logs, your own holoprograms, that sort of thing – to the computer, the scenarios became even more reliable. It was as if” – Janeway hesitated, feeling the wrench already of losing Chakotay’s friendship for good with each second that passed, then went on with more certainty – “after a while I felt I was talking to you in these scenarios. It was an enormous help.”
Chakotay examined her with wide eyes gone very black, as if he might be looking at some mad holographic version of Janeway. “You used the simulations frequently?” he asked in a low voice.
“Not frequently, exactly, but a number of times over the first five years. I turned to them when you and I had … significant differences of opinion, shall we say. I didn’t always have time for it, but when I did, I wanted to know how you would react before I talked things through with you in person. Your opinion and your leadership among the crew have always been critically important.” She watched him with fluttering eyes, pausing on his taut face, then glancing at his clenched fists, his tight shoulders. “It was mission critical information, Chakotay. I needed to know that you would be with me.”
She heard herself almost pleading and again felt thoroughly disgusted with what she’d done, what she’d allowed in the name of the mission. Maybe someday he’d understand. Maybe, after a time, he could forgive her. It seemed unlikely.
A growl started deep in his belly and rose to his lips. “I was always with you, Kathryn,” he said, twisting his neck in frustration. “I always told you the truth. But I guess you never believed that. You needed these — these scenarios” — he spat the word — “to figure out how to play me.”
“No. No, Chakotay.” She stepped forward to put a hand on his arm. He looked at it like it stung him, but he didn’t shake it off. “It wasn’t like that. This was my first command and we were in a life or death situation on the far side of the galaxy with half a crew who’d been labeled terrorists. I didn’t have room for the usual new captain screw-ups. All our lives were on the line. I had to figure out how to do the right thing the first time, without losing your confidence in me. Can you understand?”