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It's been seconds since Tony's startling revelation that he loves Steve Rogers, but it feels like years. Decades flash by and Tony can actually feel the earth spinning out of control underneath his feet. His eyes are unfocused, staring blearily at the off white carpet as he sinks back down next to Steve.
"Tony?" Steve asks. And even though he's right next to him, mouth inches away from his ear, his voice comes in tinny, like he's speaking through a cell phone. "Tony, are you all right?" It's scratchy, like Steve's trying to hold back all the concern he's feeling for the man who just ripped his heart from his chest and put it through a meat grinder.
"Yeah, Steve. Yeah, I- Yeah. I am." And then he looks at the man to his left. Blue eyes betraying anything he's feeling. Down turned lips straining against words Tony can almost hear. "Steve..." Steve waits a beat before, "Yes, Tony?"
"I think," he starts. "I think I'm going to go to bed." Steve's eyes fall to the floor to stare at the same carpet Tony was fixated on moments ago.
"Oh, okay." He rises and turns to go, feet taking him absently to the door of Tony's room. The hand wrapped around his wrist stops him and he slowly turns to face Tony, a hopeful look tentatively creeping up onto his face.
"And where do you think you're going?" A wry smile pulls at Tony's lips. "You know I can't sleep without my Captain America pillow." Steve laughs, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Tony knows there will be a long talk in the morning, but right now all he can think about is the blue of Steve's eyes and the hard chest acting as his pillow. Steve's fingers card through the dark mess of Tony's hair and he smiles, eyes softening at Tony's arms absently squeezing him.
~~~
It's three in the morning, and Steve can't sleep. He tries, but his super soldier cells won't let him. He only ever sleeps this long for Tony, anyway. Tony's sleeping habits are...strange, to say the least. At times, he'll only sleep three or four hours a night. Sometimes he won't sleep for days, body on autopilot while his brain works at three times his normal speed - which is, at average, already three times as fast as a normal human. But there are nights when Tony's mind is at rest and there are no imminent dangers that Tony's favourite time of day is when he gets to crawl into bed with Steve. And who is Steve to say no to that?
So it's three, Steve's awake in bed, and Tony is snoring peacefully next to him, feet tangled up in Steve's legs. And all he can think about is the warm brown of Tony's eyes, that shining laughter hiding all the pain and contempt he's too afraid to let anyone see. But Steve can't really fault him that. When you're Tony Stark, you can't really go around and say how much you hate the man who made you what you are. You can't sneer at the company that you secretly hate. You can't block the world out and hope they leave you alone. So Tony hides behind laughs. And he hides behind snark. And it breaks Steve's heart.
But there's nothing Steve can do about it. And that breaks his heart even more. But here are times, just some times when Tony isn't looking, that Steve manages to sneak just a little bit further into Tony's heart. And that's all he can really hope for. Because Tony is just like him. Because he wakes up at night scared and screaming. Because he doesn't sleep because he can't spend another night dreaming about Yinsen. Because he's just as heavy as Steve. Weighed down by the past. Weighed down by memories you can't change. Weighed down by yourself. The feeling of being in your own skin. Steve can relate. Can understand.
And that's why he'll never love someone as light Peggy. Because she's too tough. Too strong. Steve needs Tony so they can both drown together in this world. Because the only way he feels he won't drown anymore is if Tony's the one pulling him up. Then they can gasp for air and float together. And isn't that what love is? Gasping and choking and struggling to keep your head above water? But knowing that if you start to sink, there will always be a hand, an arm, a body, a heart to pull you up and keep you gasping.