Chapter Text
Yoo Jonghyuk likes journaling.
Yoo Jonghyuk likes journaling because he can’t keep all the information he obtains in his head, because Lee Seolhwa said it helps keep him sane and focused to have a hobby.. and because it reminds him of Kim Dokja.
A guy he’s never met before his third regression and who continues to do nothing but annoy Jonghyuk with either his presence or his absence. A guy Jonghyuk considers his companion and who’s death he’s more afraid of than anything.
It reminds him of Kim Dokja because the man is always on his phone reading something nobody else can read but that has to have to do with his prophetic ability, and because Kim Dokja always talks about his love for books and stories, but in a way that’s so much more tender and gentle than other constellations.
Jonghyuk kind of.. wants Kim Dokja to notice his journaling habit and talk to him about it. As annoying as he is most of the times, Jonghyuk likes hearing him talk about things he loves. It calms the anger constantly burning Jonghyuk’s insides a little bit.
He doesn’t know why that is. He’s never felt like this before. So restless when Kim Dokja goes off somewhere alone again, so relieved when he sees that smug smile that makes Jonghyuk want to smack it right off of Kim Dokja’s face. He’s only known the man for a few months —the years of his absence excluded— and yet Jonghyuk feels unreasonably dependent on him.
He shouldn’t feel like that. Yoo Jonghyuk could never feel that way for anyone, as his fate of regression will destroy any bonds formed in this life anyways. He already knows that he will lose members of his team like Lee Jihye and Lee Hyunsung in later regressions, and therefore tries to not get attached.
How much will it hurt if he allows himself to become even more attached to Kim Dokja, a person who already snuck into the spot of being Yoo Jonghyuk’s “life and death companion” and who has a dangerous tendency to sacrifice himself for those around him. When one of them dies, will Jonghyuk be able to cope with that if he lets himself get attached now, for the first time?
What if there’s only one regression that has Kim Dokja by his side? What if, in others, Kim Dokja wants to kill him or they’ll never meet because Kim Dokja lives somewhere else? What if Kim Dokja doesn’t even exist in other rounds and Jonghyuk will forever be stuck chasing the ghost of a man he once accepted into his life?
He doesn’t know what he’ll do or how he’ll handle it if that turns out to be the case. He doesn’t want to find out, doesn’t want to think. So Jonghyuk does what he always does when he doesn’t want to think and there’s nothing he can fight instead to let off steam.
Jonghyuk opens his journal and sighs. Somehow, the words won’t come even though he’s in such a turmoil. However it’s a storm of emotions raging inside of him, just feelings without a name that he can’t place. Jonghyuk has never been the most empathetic person, and it’s never bothered him as that skill had never been relevant. Until now.
Someone knocks at the door of Jonghyuk’s flat —a few kilometres away from the Factory so specific people won’t search him out—, and based on the soft sound, it’s Lee Seolhwa trying to talk to him. Jonghyuk doesn’t want to talk. He can’t talk. There are no words to describe what he’s feeling, what he’s thinking. Or maybe there are, but he doesn’t want to hear them. Either way, there’s only one person on his mind that could see him right now, and Jonghyuk wants to see his face more than anything and yet despises the thought at the same time.
[The constellation ‘Demon King of Salvation’ is looking for the incarnation ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’]
If Kim Dokja had read his thoughts again, Yoo Jonghyuk would kill him. Well, not kill him —he doesn’t think he could bear Kim Dokja’s death— but harm him as much as possible for his action. ‘I don’t want to see you.’ he thinks with all his might, so if his thoughts really are read, Kim Dokja would get the message. Fortunately, the man doesn’t seem to be able to read emotions too, or Jonghyuk would have to face his feelings. He’s not ready for that.
[The constellation ‘Demon King of Salvation’ wants the incarnation ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’ to enter a private room with him.]
The private rooms? They cost a fortune for incarnations, but some constellations had VIP entry to them and could extend it to others deemed ’worthy’ by the room. Usually, they’re used by constellations or nebulae to recruit especially powerful incarnations without the fear of their rivals or any scenario interfering. Jonghyuk had refused some of those invitations in his last regression.
What could Kim Dokja want from him in such a room? They had already formed a nebula together, and if it was an unsupervised conversation Kim Dokja wanted, there was always Midday Tryst.
[The constellation ‘Demon-like Judge of Fire’ is screaming at nobody in particular.]
[The constellation ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’ is intrigued.]
[The constellation ‘Mass Production Maker’ is sighing in envy.]
[The constellation ‘Demon-like Judge of Fire’ is urging you to accept the invitation.]
[The constellation ‘Maritime War God’ is mourning the fact that he won’t get to see what will happen inside the private room.]
[The constellation ‘Prisoner of the Golden Headband’ is leaning forward in anticipation.]
[The constellation ‘Demon-like Judge of Fire’ is jumping around in an immature manner.]
[The constellation ‘Secretive Plotter’ is looking at you.]
[Your sponsor is looking at you.]
[3,000 coins have been sponsored.]
Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes narrow at the stream of indirect messages, especially the last two, and he stares down at the blue square hovering in the air in front of him. It’s a simple question, and two spaces for his answer. “Do you accept the Demon King of Salvation’s invitation to visit the private room? Yes/No“
He turns towards his door where he knows Lee Seolhwa is still standing in front of, waiting for his signal to enter. A last gaze at the journal still opened on blank pages, then he tells the woman outside that he’s expecting a private conversation with a constellation and that he won’t be available for the rest of the day, most likely. It isn’t a lie, and as Lee Seolhwa’s steps grow quieter, Yoo Jonghyuk accepts the invitation.
---------
Private rooms look different and the character of a constellation seems to decide the interior design. Yoo Jonghyuk doesn’t know if his deduction is true, but he can’t imagine a constellation like the Abyssal Black Flame Dragon requesting a room like this, filled to the brim with bookshelves and a cozy lounge set in the middle. All of it is kept in dark colours and otherwise minimalistic, it looks elegant yet inviting. Jonghyuk wonders if Kim Dokja purposely chose an aesthetic he likes, and if yes, where he knows Jonghyuk’s taste from.
The Demon King of Salvation is awaiting him, already comfortably seated in one of the black leather seats with his legs crossed. He seems more relaxed than Yoo Jonghyuk has ever seen him. Maybe because no time passes as long as they are inside the room. Speaking of which, what’s the duration of their stay? The invitation hadn’t stated a time.
As if he’d read his thoughts again —and maybe he did— Kim Dokja smirks at him cockily while pointing to the couch opposite of him. “We have all the time in the world, but please do seat yourself. I don’t like you looking down on me too much.” Mechanically, Jonghyuk follows the unspoken command. Why he does so without a remark, he doesn’t know and doesn’t allow himself to question.
“Why did you call me here?”
Kim Dokja’s smirk changes to a sad smile. “Would you believe me if I told you I just wanted to see you? That I invited you just to talk with you without a rush for once? That I wanted your company and nothing else?” Jonghyuk’s heart jumps, and he knows he can’t answer what his first instinct says: I want to believe it.
So he answers with a question of his own instead: “Won’t you know my answer already? You seem to know my thoughts better than myself, sometimes.” “Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. I’m not that kind or prophet.”, Kim Dokja says, eyes glazing over. He untangles his legs to sit more openly towards Jonghyuk.
He smiles again, and this time it’s more genuine. “You got me, though, that’s really not the whole reason. I wanted to talk to you about the future, too. At least as much as I can tell you, you should know.” Kim Dokja doesn’t let him react to that, for he starts talking, explaining again. He talks and talks, about vague futures and how he isn’t a ’prophet’ per se but still closest to that title, he talks about things nobody but Jonghyuk could know..
Even if it didn’t because of the room, the time stands still while Kim Dokja explains himself. And Jonghyuk is vigilant —has to be with that amount and quality of information— but some part of his brain also notes how Kim Dokja looks during his monologue. He seems excited, articulating with his hands and leaning forwards in his seat towards Jonghyuk, whose thoughts annoyingly consist only of: please don’t ever stop being so enthusiastic. Share your thoughts with me, your voice sounds so soothing. Stay with me, Kim Dokja.
Jonghyuk feels something he’s sworn off immediately after his first death; regret. He’d never wanted to regret anything from his past, as he’ll have so many pasts if things go wrong and equally as many wrong decisions he’ll make, but now he does as he regrets leaving the Factory after Gigantomachia. He hadn’t considered how Kim Dokja would feel —because he never considers stuff like that— but he’d also ignored his own feelings. Now he can’t anymore.
“So, uh, that’s it. That’s all I can share with you. The rest of Kim Dokja’s Company knows.. some of that.” He’s back to that somewhat awkward persona of his, after acting high and all knowing, and that’s a little bit of a relief for Jonghyuk. He likes that Kim Dokja better, it fits better. That’s the man he’s accepted as his life and death companion, and despite everything, he’s glad that Kim Dokja hasn’t changed much even after everything they’ve been through.
Jonghyuk has... many emotions and thoughts towards and about Kim Dokja. Probably too many, but for once, he can’t bring himself to overly care. It has something to do with the atmosphere of the room, he thinks. It’s become impossibly rare for Jonghyuk, but right now, he feels comfortable. Though that could also be because of his company. While annoying, Kim Dokja is still the person he feels the most spiritually connected to.
“Will you disable the room now?”, Jonghyuk asks when it becomes obvious Kim Dokja doesn’t plan to continue speaking. He’s in no rush —actually, he really doesn’t want to leave— but he guesses his voice isn’t conveying that as the man opposite of him looks to the side in an embarrassed manner. Why is he embarrassed? “Well, I wasn’t planning to... you know these private rooms are way too expensive to use them up that quickly.”
He’s not subtle in any sense of the word, and Jonghyuk wonders if he knows. He doesn’t really want to tell Kim Dokja that, though, so he just nods along as if it made sense. It would have, if he wasn’t positively convinced that the famous constellation Demon King of Salvation wouldn’t have gotten the room for free. That, he also doesn’t want to voice, so he just asks; “So is there something else you want to talk about?”, trying not to seem too out-of-character.
Why does Kim Dokja have such an effect on him, even Lee Seolhwa didn’t make him come out of his comfort zone and talk excessively in his last regression and then they were married and had a son! ..He remembers now why he tried to repress such personal things from his past lives. It’s messing with his head too much. He has to keep living in the present like everyone else except for the man across him, who seems to live in his own future.
As if he sensed Jonghyuk was troubled —and maybe he did, he wouldn’t put it past the guy— Kim Dokja speaks up again. “I’d like to know more about.. what’s going on inside you. Your thoughts and stuff like that. Obviously only if you’re comfortable with that, I’m not pressuring you or anything!” He gestures while he talks, looking terrified at the thought of saying the wrong thing and upsetting Jonghyuk.
He wishes he could tell Kim Dokja that he doesn’t need to think like that, but the first few times they’ve met and the guy did so little as just annoy him, Jonghyuk had almost killed him multiple times. Of course he’d stopped after Kim Dokja had legitimately died in front and because of him, too attached and afraid of losing him— but even then he’d attacked Kim Dokja in his returnee squid form even after knowing it was him.
He’d like to clarify why that was, but he can’t bring himself to admit that it was his emotions getting the better out of him, the pain and loneliness turning into fury as he found out the man he’d been mourning was alive and well, like he was always after supposedly dying. But because Jonghyuk is a coward and can’t say it, he asks a question right back at Kim Dokja: “I thought you knew most of my thoughts, so why would you ask?”
Kim Dokja looks troubled again, but rings with himself to answer nonetheless. Jonghyuk is kind of impressed that for once, Kim Dokja keeps being truthful and open with him and doesn’t just go on with his plans alone without telling anything. He’s still picking his words carefully, but that’s to be expected. “I.. do, but please don’t ask again why I can. There’s one exception though. I can’t see all of your thoughts in a regression where.. you know me. Yes, let’s put it that way.”
Jonghyuk misses his journal. This is all too much to remember, and while it feels like he can never get any word from their conversation out of his head, he’d still like a way to cope with it, he’s not used to such deep heart-to-heart conversations. He also doesn’t know how to feel about Kim Dokja’s last sentence and what it implies, and writing it down at least gives him the illusion of stability. Alas, it is his turn to monologue now, and Jonghyuk dreads it.
If it were anyone other than Kim Dokja, he wouldn’t have listened, so why is he now considering, why does his heart beat with adrenaline at sharing well kept emotions with the man across him? The only person he could question —would be mildly comfortable questioning— is currently asking silently to sit next to him on the couch. Jonghyuk complies and scoots over while Kim Dokja makes himself comfortable. He turns so they can still face each other, and all his eager attention is on Jonghyuk again.
He’s reminded of his time before the apocalypse, when the only way Jonghyuk was known was through his gamertag and people actually wanted his autograph when he went to conventions. Kim Dokja looks at him like the people did back then, like his fans did. Jonghyuk didn’t like it when it came from strangers, but that look of admiration on Kim Dokja’s face makes him feel warm inside.
An unwanted memory creeps up on him, a truth he didn’t allow himself to discover in regards to his feelings. All the self reflection Jonghyuk has done seems laughable now, as he knows that he knows what those feelings are. He’s felt them before, slightly different yet in their essence, the feelings are the same. He takes deep breaths to not make his inner turmoil obvious to the man in front of him, though he’s aware that Kim Dokja probably knows anyways. He doesn’t let it show though, if he does.
There’s a question he needs to answer still. Well, not needs to, Kim Dokja’s made it clear it’s his choice. But Jonghyuk wants to, not just out of obligation, but because sharing with him seems like something long overdue. Keeping all his feelings to himself is not healthy, after all, according to Lee Seolwha. Not that he’d listened to her about that before, but Jonghyuk feels a strange sense of wanting to prove himself when it’s about Kim Dokja. But proving in means of ‘I can be a good person’, not ‘I am strong, stronger than you are.’
“..Jonghyuk-ah?” Seeming that Kim Dokja deems it enough time to cautiously call out for him, he’s been lost in his own consciousness for far too long. That almost never happens anymore, not in this ruined world where one second of distraction can mean certain death. Certain for everyone but the two of them. In that case, they are beyond other humans. Or does it mean they’re not human anymore?
“I’ll tell you.”, he says instinctively, voice giving nothing away, hopefully. Jonghyuk’s never monologued like this, and his lack of experience becomes obvious quickly. Kim Dokja, however, adapts immediately and fills in when Jonghyuk can’t find the words. He starts with their first meeting at the bridge, explaining how wary he was of Kim Dokja back then, then goes on about the fight over the throne, the disasters, etc. He even tells him how he’d watched his and Yoo Sangah’s drunken moment, and in his explanation, a bit of that feeling he’d had back then makes itself obvious against his will. Jealousy.
During his monologue, Kim Dokja slides closer towards him, slowly and testing Jonghyuk’s boundaries. It doesn’t help him focus, as he realises that his personal space is invaded and he doesn’t even mind! Nevertheless he goes on, acting as if he’s not aware that by now, their thighs are touching. The look on Kim Dokja’s face has evolved from admiration to adoration, though Jonghyuk can’t say if it’s because of himself, or because of his unusual openness. I hope it’s me.
When he talks about Dark Castle and the 73. Demon King transformation, he stops unusually often, almost as if traumatised. This is odd. Jonghyuk hadn’t thought he’d been that affected by just another of Kim Dokja’s deaths— that’s a lie. He knows it, yet chose to believe it anyway. There’s a difference between a man dying with measures to resurrect, and killing said man himself and therefore causing him to get expelled from the scenario, something nobody should be able to survive.
“I thought— I thought I had killed you with my own hands, and there weren’t any signs from you for months, I had given up on you but the rest of your group was still in denial. Even Uriel was, and so when my name was spread in the Demon Realm, she urged me to go since there was only one person daring to use my name like that. And then I found you.” Uncharacteristically for him, his voice breaks.
It must be shocking for anyone to see him like this, open and showing weakness and all that, so the emotion reflects on Kim Dokja’s face. He looks horrified and... something else, and Jonghyuk only recognises the second emotion because he’s so familiar with it, despite his best efforts not to. Kim Dokja feels regret. “I— I’m so sorry, I wish I could’ve told you in advance, but it wasn’t safe, and after that there just wasn’t the time.. I told the others by now, but you were unconscious after Gigantomachia and I told you then, but then you left and I felt so guilty—”
He looks close to a nervous breakdown, yet no tears are swimming in his eyes, because Kim Dokja doesn’t cry. Not when he’s in pain, not even when he ordered his friends and Jonghyuk to kill him. Jonghyuk had never seen him cry, never seen him show his emotions so openly. Kim Dokja’s face is mostly blurry, anyways, and while it’s always been visible to Jonghyuk, it’s now clearer than ever. This is new and unnecessarily terrifying, especially since he can’t even deal with his own feelings.
Jonghyuk does not know what to do to comfort the man, and he also doesn’t feel like he can just ask, for some reason. It’s too intruding, and the only thing he knows about how to comfort an upset Kim Dokja, he’s heard from his mother he despises, so he can’t use that. But what if, his thoughts annoyingly convince him, didn’t he hate you too? Weren’t you still part of his life for longer than you know? Shouldn’t you know how to help? Reading about you has always helped him, and words on the page are doing a better job than you right now.
Jonghyuk also hates the ’truth’ that he’s a character. However just this once, it comes in handy, as Kim Dokja had quite literally called him his ’comfort character’ once, before all this hell. As such, it is his duty to help, and it should work easily enough— so he doesn’t allow himself to keep overthinking it, and just grabs the man with brute force, pulling him closer.
Kim Dokja stiffens immediately. “What are you doing?“, he asks because Jonghyuk has never hugged anyone and infuriatingly is very bad at it because of his inexperience. He’s a fast learner, though, and human interaction doesn’t take hundreds of years or a gender change to learn like what he had to do to train under the Breaking the Sky Sword Saint. This is easy in comparison, in theory.
His tongue is spellbound, though, now more than ever after his monologue and even if it wasn’t, Jonghyuk wouldn’t know what to say. By now, he’s understood his feelings, but it’s still a long way until he can do anything else with them —should he even want to. Actions are easier than words, anyways. They have always come easier to him and in situations such as these, convey more meaning.
Jonghyuk assumes he should squeeze Kim Dokja a little tighter, closer to his chest. That’s how far his knowledge goes. The waist he holds is so tiny it’s almost covered entirely by Jonghyuk’s hands, and the weak legs atop of his are dangling around uselessly as if Kim Dokja had frozen up and lost consciousness— For a moment, that’s a legitimate concern until Jonghyuk makes eye contact and the eyes staring back at him are still gleaming with emotion. What emotion, he can’t say, but it’s all Jonghyuk needs to know.
“Why are you hugging me?“, he sounds confused and really, why is he hugging Kim Dokja? Sure, it’s a form of comfort, but it’s unlike Jonghyuk and it wouldn’t have been necessary for the situation, he could’ve handled it in a variety of different ways. But he didn’t. Jonghyuk deliberately chose this way before any other, despite the multitudes of uncertain outcomes. It must make his —unconscious?— intentions pretty clear to both of them, but Kim Dokja doesn’t say it out loud. Instead, he starts talking to himself in Jonghyuk’s stead.
“Ah, did my mother tell you that when I wasn’t there to stop her? Just so you know, I would’ve been fine without.. physical contact.“ Somehow, that’s hard to believe. Jonghyuk raises one eyebrow which Kim Dokja doesn’t catch, seeing as his head is still laying on Jonghyuk’s shoulder and his arms around Kim Dokja’s torso won’t budge.
[Incarnation ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’ has used the skill: ‘Lie Detection, Lvl. ???’]
[Incarnation ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’ has confirmed that this statement is false.]
Kim Dokja mutters to himself in annoyance, but doesn’t make any effort to break from Jonghyuk’s embrace. As time goes on, the man becomes more confident in his ability to hug. It even starts feeling... nice, instead of necessary. An unusual, yet not unwelcome feeling. He even goes so far as resting his chin on Kim Dokja’s shoulder, which is a little bony but not uncomfortable. The man’s body is colder than usual for a human, and Jonghyuk doesn’t know if it’s a Demon King- a Constellation- or a Kim Dokja thing. He doesn’t mind it, though.
What have you done to me?, Jonghyuk thinks with an air of melancholy, something he normally doesn’t feel and that just undermines his question. For once, he hopes Kim Dokja reads his thoughts. And he does. “It wasn’t my intention—", he starts defending himself but gets interrupted by Jonghyuk shoving his face back against his torso to muffle his words. No, don’t answer, he thinks towards the man who can read his mind, either with a skill or because he’d been with Jonghyuk throughout both of their lives, unbeknownst to the man himself.
I don’t need to hear it. Just stay, this time. Please. That thought is so much more vulnerable and emotional than any confession Jonghyuk either has made or will make, in real life or in that stupid Ways of Survival book. Him pleading to another person for just one more chance, just some more time to spend together— it’s something the past Yoo Jonghyuk would’ve killed people for who even dared to suggest him acting like that. He’d been an idiot back then. An idiot who hadn’t known Kim Dokja.
Against Jonghyuk’s chest, the other man mumbles that he’s never wanted to leave, and did all that he did just to save the people he loves. Jonghyuk wants to hit him for that sentence. The sole reason why he doesn’t is Kim Dokja finally returning the embrace, wrapping his arms around Jonghyuk’s torso, as if silently apologising. Jonghyuk can’t forgive him for leaving, not yet at least, but the man doesn’t seem like he expects that, anyways.
For once, he too stays quiet, and they stay in their position for an endless while which in the end, is still too short. Jonghyuk knows he’ll have to leave eventually. He’ll leave and then he’ll be back in Korea and away from Kim Dokja. He dreads it already, gradually getting in touch with his emotions. It definitely has to do with the man in his lap and their bond, there’s no other way.
Before —before all of this— he would’ve cut contact already and immediately. Probably killed Kim Dokja himself again, just to make sure he’d stay dead. Now, that’s his greatest fear. The greatest fear of an immortal who fought against gods so strong merely being in their presence made people bow down in respect and fright. Yet he’d face all of them at once if it meant Kim Dokja stayed right where he is, right now.
“We have to go back soon. Time may not pass in here, but I have some stuff to prepare for the next scenario and instruct the company.”, Kim Dokja speaks up eventually, and at that, Jonghyuk tenses. So far, ‘preparing for a scenario’ meant almost certain death for Kim Dokja. And even though he always comes back like a regressor, Jonghyuk can’t go through that again.
“No.”
“What do you mean, no? I wasn't asking you.” In such a situation, his stubbornness is aggravating beyond measure. Jonghyuk grabs the waist he’s holding harder. It’s more of an instinct than a thought-out reaction. “Kim Dokja, if you’re planning on sacrificing yourself again I’ll—”
Like often, Kim Dokja doesn't let him finish his threat. “I can’t die right now, I have to save Yoo Sangah-ssi! And you know that I don’t want to die, it’s just necessary sometimes for the others to survive! I have ways to come back with enough preparation time, they don’t!”
Jonghyuk had stopped listening as soon as Yoo Sangah’s name had been mentioned. A perfect woman in the old world, who now is deathly sick after idiotically overusing Hermes’ network and who Jonghyuk naturally associates with the feeling of jealousy. Right now though, he tolerates her because of her value.
With her life on the line, Kim Dokja can’t die, because the stupid man cares about the life of his comrades more than about his own. So with him chasing means to keep her alive, he won’t get into any life threatening situations, or at least not on purpose. That’s as much as Jonghyuk will get.
“…”
He doesn’t react verbally to Kim Dokja’s excuses, but in his thoughts which are still getting read, he agrees to leaving under annoyed mumbling. The smile he earns in response is enough compensation for the fact that Kim Dokja lets go off him and stands up quickly, and Jonghyuk yet again is confronted with his feelings that grow so much stronger in this environment.
By now, it’s inevitable, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it.
A door appears in the middle of the room, and it’s an oddly familiar door. It’s that of a train, the one dividing the compartments 3707 and 3807. Jonghuk looks at Kim Dokja with one raised eyebrow, finally able to think rationally again and not be caught up in anything else now that they’re leaving, and Kim Dokja avoids his eyes in embarrassment.
“I did not decide for this to be the way back, the room acts according to my unconscious thoughts, okay?!” Jonghyuk doesn’t mention how that says even more about the man’s character, instead focuses on the door, reminiscing. It had all started in that faithful train to Bulgwang. What would have happened if Kim Dokja had sat in his compartment, instead?
Based on how anger fuelled Jonghyuk had been back then, he wouldn’t be here right now, and Kim Dokja would’ve been dead. He’s glad it turned out like this, in the end. “By the way”, the man next to him starts, his voice filled with false casualness. “Where are you staying right now? I could find out of course, but I don’t wanna invade your privacy and stuff.”
He adds the second part because he knows what Jonghyuk had planned to say, and now he’s just waiting for an answer. Jonghyuk will disappoint him. “There’s no need to search me out, we’ll meet again soon.” But is it soon enough? He already wants to see Kim Dokja again, and they haven’t even said their goodbyes, but what he now needs is time.
Time to unpack everything that has happened so far between them. Time to finally realise what to do with these… feelings, and of course, he too has to prepare for the future. Being with Kim Dokja in that stage would only distract him.
“Bummer. But alright, I’ll be busy anyways. Anything you wanna tell me before you leave? Some death threats? I’ve missed them, you only threatened me once today, so I was worrying you might’ve hit your head or something.” Jonghyuk feels his head throb indeed, a pavlovian response to Kim Dokja teasing him. It’s not as strong as usual, though.
However, instead of taking the bait or otherwise reacting, Jonghyuk just opens the train door. Behind it, nothingness awaits him and if this was the first time inside a Constellation’s private room, he would’ve hesitated stepping into it. Now he hesitates for a different reason than fear.
Turning towards Kim Dokja whose teasing smile now looks wonky, Jonghyuk sizes the man up. “Don’t die while I’m not there.”, he says as his farewell, surprising both the man and himself by how soft his voice sounds. It makes him feel unwell, unintentionally giving away some of his emotions, and Kim Dokja just stares at him.
His cheeks are dyed in a light pink hue when he responds with a hushed; “Promise.”, which surprisingly calms Jonghyuk down because he trusts Kim Dokja’s words this time, spoken in their sanctuary. However he can’t stay now, despite how much he wants to, this is his time to leave.
He nods in acknowledgment, eyes closed so he doesn’t have to see Kim Dokja’s face, or else he’d probably still stay, then hurries through the door into pitch black darkness, away from his feelings and the warmth he’d ironically felt, pressed against cold skin.
It’s all messy when it’s about Kim Dokja, nothing rational — instead erratic plans and moves everywhere. Nothing irritates Jonghyuk more, yet he seeks the man out constantly despite knowing better, like a sad addict searching for his last cigarette, one last time where he can feel alive and content at the same time.
Kim Dokja means so much to him, in matters and ways no human can even begin to grasp, not even Jonghyuk himself. Maybe a Constellation could relate to the feeling. Maybe the Demon King of Salvation can understand and take pity on him, if he’s lucky.
-------
As soon as he steps out of the darkness, the indirect messages rush in.
[The constellation ‘Demon-like Judge of Fire’ is dying to know what happened inside the private room.]
[The constellation ‘Demon-like Judge of Fire’ is willing to pay an enormous amount of coins to invite the incarnation ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’ into a private room of her own.]
[The constellation ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’ is mocking the constellation ‘Demon-like Judge of Fire’ for acting so childish.]
[The constellation ‘Prisoner of the Golden Headband’ is asking if that kind of hypocrisy is appropriate for the situation.]
[The constellation ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’ flicks his tail at the other constellations in annoyance.]
[The constellation ‘Mass Production Maker’ is asking about the interior design of the private room of constellation ‘Demon King of Salvation’.]
[The constellation ‘God of Wine and Ecstasy’ is wondering if anything inappropriate happened between the incarnation ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’ and the constellation ‘Demon King of Salvation’.]
[‘A couple of constellations blush at the lack of filter of the constellation ‘God of Wine and Ecstasy’.]
[Very few constellations are ashamed to admit that they are wondering the same thing.]
[The constellation ‘Maritime War God’ is asking for a detailed report of the events happening inside the private room, and glares at the constellations agreeing with the constellation ‘God of Wine and Ecstasy’.]
[Many constellations agree with the constellations’ request.]
[Many constellations are looking at you curiously.]
[The constellation ‘Secretive Plotter’ is looking at you.]
Jonghyuk pretends not to see the indirect messages, somewhat irritated by how little shame the constellations seem to have and is reminded that his voyeurs don’t only care about one genre of stories. Naturally, most of them like action-filled fights, but it becomes quite obvious that a good number is also interested in the romantic aspect of his life.
Since there’s not much, they focus on every little thing that could so much as hint to a relationship. And, well, Jonghyuk should’ve realised before that the title of ‘life and death companions’ would make people and constellations alike get the wrong idea. But how wrong is it, really? They reacted the same way in your last regression where you married Lee Seolhwa.
Jonghyuk grits his teeth at his traitorous thoughts, and looks into the sky towards the stars of the constellations watching him with interest. There’s one star in particular he searches for, but can’t see from where he stands. Of course not. “I’m not telling you anything, it’s called a ‘private room’ for a reason!”
His field of vision is filled by constellations mourning his decision, trying to convince him or reacting otherwise. Jonghyuk couldn’t care less about them, the thought of the coins he’d surely get for explaining himself not even in the back of his mind, it’s that absurd to sell his time with Kim Dokja.
Jonghyuk isn’t religious, yet the thought feels blasphemous. Selling his precious, undisrupted and —above all— scarce time with Kim Dokja, just who do they think he is? ...If the constellations think of him as a killer without emotion, they'd actually be right for the most part. Though they must know, since it'd happened to them already, that things go differently with the Demon King of Salvation.
Jonghyuk is exactly where he'd left when he accepted Kim Dokja's invitation; his apartment, standing in front of his desk where his journal still waits. Mockingly, it seems to stare at him. Taunting him. Won't you complain about your feelings like an embarrassed teen with a crush? It asks, voicing his thoughts, come on, show me how emotionally stunned you are!
It's a love-hate relationship he has with his journal, because whenever Jonghyuk 'loves' anything, he also hates something about it. He loves Murim Dumplings, yet he hates the memories he has with Murim. He loves his sister, even though he hates that now he knows she's just a motivation for his book character to grow. He.. hates Kim Dokja for always dying, and the way he keeps dying. Either alone or letting the company kill him.
What happened to the love he has for journaling? Now it's only dislike he feels, staring at the blank pages still open, and flipping through the book to look at his earlier entries. What changed since the last time he'd opened it, when it'd still helped him with not-going insane? The answer is obvious, because 90% of the questions Jonghyuk asks himself are answered the same way. It's Kim Dokja's fault, obviously.
How one man can change his life so fundamentally...
Pages fly through the room when the Heaven Shaking Sword cuts through the binds of the book without any resistance, Jonghyuk just standing there while they fall to the ground around him. One page, like it's fate, lands in his hands though. Jonghyuk doesn't need to read it to know which one it is. There's nothing out there that could be a more obvious sign, and at this point it's even a bit too much.
Someone or something out there really wants him to go for it, huh?
[The constellation '▪️▪️' is looking at you.]
A censored constellation?! But who— even the most ominous constellation he knows, the Secretive Plotter, has a visible modifier. And the only other option Jonghyuk has, he can't think about, as it always makes a migraine come up for him, for some reason. When he still even so much as brushes the thought now, Jonghyuk feels nauseous.
He gets it, alright, he understands. He has to confess his feelings to Kim Dokja, to get to an alternative ending, but how can he do that when he can't even tell himself what he feels? Of course, by now, Jonghyuk knows what it is what he feels. But saying it out loud would mean it's really true and he can't take it back then or bury any knowledge he has on the topic. This is why Jonghyuk doesn't talk much.
"I—", he starts half-heartedly, aware of all the constellations still looking at him, not in the slightest having given up their advances. At least he'll get coins for this, especially Uriel would sponsor a lot. "Can't you filter this?" Now, Jonghyuk would like to take up the Archangel's offer for another private room, so if he has to spell it out, only one constellation can hear.
Unfortunately though, being in such a room is very draining for mere incarnations. They're made for constellations, after all, built to handle their status, and even if Jonghyuk's status is immense for an incarnation, more than one visit is more than his body can handle safely. Especially since he doesn't know how much time he spent with Kim Dokja in earth-time. He never pays attention to anything else in the man's presence. For different reasons in the past, and now..
"I'm...", can he even say it? It's too real, and it's nerve wrecking in a way no fight and near-death experience Jonghyuk has ever been in, was. The suspense seems to be killing his voyeurs, and he wishes it wasn't just metaphorically.
[A great amount of constellations is looking at you.]
[A great amount of constellations is paying close attention to your words.]
[Two constellations are waiting for you to realise what you should've known way before.]
Who do they think they are?!, he thinks, then realises ..Who are they? Jonghyuk can just hope that they'll reveal their identities once he gets this over with, though he has an inkling for at least one them. A constellation that usually only looked at Jonghyuk, suddenly is impatient with him. It's even more suspicious than what they've done before. Very secretive, fitting their name.
"I'm..", he gathers the pathetic rest of his already lacking emotional intelligence, then mumbles his words so he can keep the constellations who know at a minimum. One deep breath, one glare into nothingness and a last check up into the sky to determine if the Demon King of Salvation is watching him, which he isn't, then; "I'm in love with him."
The indirect messages run wild.