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Izzy Hands isn’t the nicest or most agreeable person in the world.
Everyone he’s ever come into contact with knows that. Everyone onboard The Revenge certainly knows that. He knows that, and he’s alright with it.
He didn’t get where he is by being some nice, charming, ‘cares about other people's feelings’, buffoon that doesn’t take his job seriously. No. A year ago he would’ve gone as far as to say that no one could be any of those things and still call themselves a pirate.
Until Stede Bonnet came along, of course.
Though, in Izzy’s book he wouldn’t call Bonnet anything close to ‘pirate’. Pirate is not one of the words that come to mind when he thinks about Stede Bonnet. Contemptible, sure. An utterly frustrating muppet of a man, even. But Izzy would never call him a pirate.
Anyway, if anyone on the ship knew just how nice Izzy could be, it was Bonnet. He’s been on the receiving end of Izzy’s insults and “constructive criticism” way more than either man would like. So, it’s still quite a shock when Bonnet constantly asks Izzy if he could be kinder with the crew.
Kinder?
If they were deserving of it, maybe Izzy would think about it. But as of present time, the crew of The Revenge were the last people who deserved a gentler hand. If anything, Izzy felt like he was kind of holding back. They all had a bit of a ‘vacation’, and now it’s time to go back to work. Sure, their vacation wasn’t to the nicest place, nor was it by choice–but Izzy tried not to focus on that bit. As far as he was concerned, they all had a nice rest on a quiet, private, island. Wouldn’t anyone want that? Besides, they weren’t there that long anyway. They only stayed there until Bonnet rowed up in his dinghy.
How the lot of them managed to fit on there and not sink, he’ll always wonder.
Bonnet asking Izzy to be kinder was akin to asking a fish to walk on land. Or asking a woodchuck to chuck anything other than wood. It was an impossible request.
Still, it didn’t stop the other man from asking.
"C'mon Mr. Spriggs, can't you do some actual work?” Izzy pointedly asks, growing tired of watching Lucius just stand around and not contribute anything.
The scribe just rolls his eyes and continues leaning against the railing holding onto a piece of rope. A single piece of rope. He wasn't even doing anything with it! He just swung it around at the other crew mates while laughing. Izzy honestly doesn’t know why he still tries with Lucius.
The rest of the crew weren’t doing much better either. Lucius and Black Pete were bunched together, giggling like a couple of schoolgirls. Frenchie was plucking away at his lute while Wee John was joking around with the Swede. Who was supposed to be swabbing the deck, along with Oluwande. Though neither Oluwande nor Jim were out on deck.
Really the only person who was doing their job was Buttons.
“You’re useless, the whole lot of you!” Izzy lets out, his words growing louder towards the end to make sure they all hear him. “Bout as useful as that captain of yours.”
Which they do, along with Bonnet who had just decided to leave his comfortable captain’s quarters right then. Izzy sees Wee John and Frenchie laughing away, seemingly at Izzy’s outburst. Lucius and Pete also move from giggling about to whispering and Izzy can’t help the quick feeling of tightness in his chest. Were they whispering about him? They had to be, right?
Not that it matters. Why does it matter? Does it matter?
Stede clears his throat behind Izzy, who jumps slightly at the noise, too deep in his thoughts to hear the captain’s steps. He really didn’t want to have to deal with Bonnet so early into the workday. He shakes his head to try and clear his mind before turning around to deal with Stede.
“What’s going on out here then?” He questions, his voice sounding far too chipper for Izzy’s liking. “Mr. Hands, haven’t we talked about that attitude of yours?”
Izzy can’t help but scoff. His attitude definitely isn’t the problem right now. The problem is how Stede’s crew think the ship can just continue to run without any work being done, and he tells Stede just as much.
“They don’t seem to be doing anything wrong!” Stede answers, with a small frown.
Izzy wants so badly to yell until Bonnet finally understands. It’s not like it hasn’t worked before.
“That’s the problem!” Izzy shouts, turning his hands into fists and trying his hardest not to just start screaming, becoming frustrated far faster than normal.. “They’re not doing anything!”
How clearer can he be? Bonnet knew his own crew before Izzy did, shouldn’t he know how utterly frustrating and lazy they can be? How has this ship been running for as long as it has? How do any of these pathetic ingrates call themselves pirates?
And why were Frenchie and Wee John now joined in with Lucius and Pete, laughing? What were they laughing and joking about? It’s Izzy, it has to be. Were they laughing over something Lucius said? Did Lucius tell everyone about the other day? Is that what it is?
Oh god.
There’s a sigh, and Izzy continues to grow frustrated. Bonnet should be more upset about this, he should step up like a real captain would.
Though it would be a bit hard with the man’s clear lack of a backbone.
“Izzy,” Stede lowers his voice just enough so only Izzy can hear it, And he can’t help but scowl at how Bonnet says his name. “can’t we just let them have their fun for the day? I mean, the ship already looks to be in tip-top shape!”
There’s a small smirk on his face that Izzy so desperately wants to slap off. Izzy’s so upset he’s breathing in huffs. Between Bonnet’s condescending words, and the crew’s loud whispering, he is starting to feel a little more than overwhelmed. Which doesn’t usually happen so easily. It must be Bonnet’s magic at work again.
He doesn’t say anything in response, so Stede decides it’s better to keep talking.
“Give the crew a break, and maybe take one for yourself.” He smiles, the sickly kind of smile that Izzy knows is fake. The same smile the man puts on every time he’s forced to interact with Izzy. “Wouldn’t that be nice?”
No, it wouldn’t be nice.
The crew has to understand that not doing anything is wrong. Lest they continue to ignore their responsibilities and run the ship into the ground. Izzy has so much more he wants to say, so much he needs Bonnet to understand. But he simply doesn’t have it in him to go on.
“Fine.” He surrenders with a weak growl.
He needs to get off the deck. He needs to be alone. Away from whispers and laughs that he knows are directed at him, and away from Bonnet.
“Good man.” Bonnet claps him on the shoulder before making his way over to where the crew are huddled together.
Izzy closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. Trying to calm himself down is easier said than done. He can still feel his heart pounding away in his chest. And he can frustratingly feel the beginnings of that strange foggy feeling from days before. Had Lucius really gone and blabbed about what happened just a few days ago? He wouldn’t do that, would he?
He makes his way back to his cabin, trying not to freak out at the possibility of Lucius spreading such private information around. He makes sure not to make eye contact with anyone that might be passing by. The last thing he needs is to be stopped by someone and made to talk when he doesn’t feel like he can.
He makes it to his room and quickly closes the door behind himself. He can’t believe what had happened out there.
Izzy wants to believe he usually has more patience than that. He also wants to believe that he’d usually put up much more of a fight before surrendering like he did. He isn’t sure what was different about today. He wasn’t so sure why everything had begun to feel so overwhelming so fast. And he still doesn’t understand this whole foggy feeling.
All he can understand is that it happens when he begins to feel overwhelmed. But even that doesn’t make sense! If it happens when he gets upset and overwhelmed, why hadn’t it been happening before? Izzy’s been overwhelmed his whole life, why now? The not knowing and understanding is what makes him angry. He wants to understand, at least a little more than he does already. Isn’t that a reasonable request? Not knowing why it happens is scary, just like not knowing if Lucius is out on deck telling everyone about the fact that Izzy Hands was acting like some sort of child.
He wipes his face with the back of his hand and sits down on his bed. Why did this have to be so difficult? Why does everything have to be so difficult?
It’s not that the foggy feeling frustrated him because he didn’t like it. It scared him because he did.
Not that he would ever admit it to anyone. He’s having trouble admitting it to himself. He doesn’t understand anything about the whole situation.
It was nice not having to worry about everything he usually worries about. Not having to worry about work, even if it was only for an hour or two. He couldn’t believe how nice it was to not think and worry about what he needs to be doing. To actually take a break, a real one. It helped him to realize just how much of his brain was occupied by his job. Which is, most of it. But after he’s been doing this for so long, it’s all he knows. All he can think about.
He just wishes it wouldn’t happen like this.
He’s not one for surprises. He appreciates planned happenings. So to go from feeling like his normal self, to wanting to curl up as small as he can and lay in bed because there’s too much going on, is strange and deeply frustrating. Is this how it was going to be from now on? No, it couldn’t be. Just yesterday he had gotten quite worked up over similar circumstances and nothing happened. No fogginess or anything.
God, this couldn’t be more frustrating.
Lucius couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit bad as he watched Izzy slink his way off deck.
He couldn’t help how fun it was to see him get so upset. It was a little bit funny. In the way that Izzy always took himself so seriously. But Lucius was starting to think they might’ve taken it a little too far this time. Every other time they’ve riled him up, it usually led to far more yelling and insults. This time he just gave up right in the middle of it all. It was more than a little concerning.
Still, he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to check up on him. Last time he had decided to check in on the man, he walked right into Izzy going through something. He wasn’t sure what to call it. But he had stayed with Izzy until he was feeling back to normal. Or, at least until he had fallen asleep. He had made sure to leave before the man woke up again, already having an idea of how it would go if he overstayed his welcome.
“Are you alright, babe?” Pete asks, tearing Lucius’ thoughts away from Edward’s strange first mate.
“Yeah, it’s just–”
“Izzy, right?”
Lucius sighs with a small nod. Grateful he doesn’t have to explain more than he wants to. Pete was kind like that.
“Go check on him then.” Pete encourages, wrapping an arm around his lover’s waist and giving him a sort of side hug.
“What if he doesn’t want me to?”
Pete shrugs his shoulders a bit before answering, “Then he doesn’t want you to. But if he does, you’ll be there.”
Lucius smiles at his boyfriend before leaning in to give him a quick peck on the lips. It’s like he finds new things to love about him every day. He’s so supportive in everything Lucius does, and he couldn’t ask for more.
He gets up from where he’s sitting with Pete and the two say a quick goodbye.
He passes through the galley on his way to Izzy’s room. He grabs two oranges and walks the rest of the way to Izzy’s room. Maybe he would accept Lucius’ peace offering? He could only hope.
The scribe knocks on the door a few times, trying to come up with what exactly he wants to say.
“Fuck off.”
Well at least he knows Izzy is still alive and well in there. Well, alive at least.
He knocks a couple more times before letting Izzy know it was only him.
“Izzy? I just wanted to like–check up on you.”
Lucius isn’t so sure what to expect from Izzy this time. He sounded mostly like himself, so that must be a good sign. Right? He clearly still has his attitude.
The cabin door opens and Lucius suddenly isn’t so sure about Izzy’s wellbeing. The man honestly looked a mess. He was missing his vest, baldric, and glove. Which, probably wouldn’t make a difference if it was literally anyone else. His hair was also quite mussed up. It was definitely more than concerning. Izzy has a set standard for himself, and Lucius knows this isn’t it. He’s surprised he’s even allowing Lucius to see him like this.
“I’m fine.” Izzy tries to tell him, though it mostly goes unheard from Lucius.
“How did you do all this in twenty minutes?”
Izzy doesn’t answer, he just sits back down on his bed. He wants to kick Lucius out and try to figure all this out on his own, but can’t bring himself to.
Lucius closes the door and suddenly the two of them are in the very same place they were a few days ago. Granted, Izzy is a lot more nervous looking and unkempt, but otherwise it’s almost the same. Lucius thought it would be more awkward and uncomfortable the next time the two of them would be in the same room like this, but it’s more a peaceful silence.
“What’s all this about?” Lucius asks, gesturing to Izzy’s disheveled appearance. “It’s not about the laughing isn’t it?”
Izzy looking down at his boots in shame tells Lucius more than he needs to know about what’s going on.
“We were just having a little fun, that’s all it was.”
Izzy doesn’t say anything, which quickly begins to worry the scribe. He hears a small sniffle come from Izzy and isn’t sure what to do. Usually a crying person would want a hug, but Izzy isn’t your average crying person. Last time he cheered the man up, he had drawn him a turtle (which he doesn’t see anywhere in the small room), but Lucius doesn’t have his journal with him. He also wasn’t sure if Izzy wanted to be treated as Lucius had treated him the last time.
“Did–did you tell everyone?”
It takes a second for Lucius to understand what he’s being asked, being far too focused at how afraid Izzy sounds.
“No, no of course I didn’t tell everyone Izzy. I haven’t told anyone.”
Izzy lets out a small sigh of relief before wiping his face with his sleeve. He seemed to relax the slightest bit at Lucius’ answer.
Izzy turns to face Lucius, his signature scowl is missing from his face, replaced with a soft look of mild embarrassment..
“Are you alright?”
Izzy tries to answer, but isn’t able to let out more than a quiet whimper while shaking his head, the sniffles starting again.
“Do you want a hug, maybe?” Lucius asks, wanting terribly to comfort the man in front of him.
“No..” Izzy answers for the first time that day. “my hand?”
Lucius stares at Izzy’s hand in confusion for a minute, before taking it in both of his. Not exactly a hug, but it’s better than nothing. Sort of a hand hug? If it was what Izzy was comfortable with, Lucius is more than fine with it. Baby steps.
“Sorry–’m sorry.” Izzy mumbles, wiping his tears away with his other hand.
“What’re you sorry for?”
“Cryin’. It’s not right.” Izzy answers brokenly, the fog winning just like it did the first time. Though he is too upset with himself to care very much. He’ll think about it later when he can think about more than one thing at a time.
“What d’you mean it’s not right? You can cry Izzy, it’s alright.”
Izzy wants so badly to believe him. He wants to believe that it’s okay to show his feelings. He hasn’t done so in so long, maybe it’d be better to just keep it that way. He shouldn’t make Lucius do this. Lucius shouldn’t be stuck in here, babysitting him. What would Blackbeard think? Certainly nothing good.
Lucius tries to keep Izzy’s focus on him, rather than whatever was going on in his head. Clearly the man wasn’t having the best time with his thoughts.
“It’s okay to have feelings, Izzy. Everyone has feelings, it’s natural.” Lucius gets the feeling that Izzy needs a good cry. “I’m here for you.”
It seems to help a little bit, but Izzy just shakes his head again. Lucius doesn’t mind, it’s more than he expected out of Izzy in the first place. Baby steps. They’re going to do this at Izzy’s pace, no matter how slow it might be.
After a few more minutes of sniffling, Izzy’s calmed down enough to properly look the scribe in the eyes. It’s a quick, unsure glance, but it’s better than nothing.
“Hey, I brought you an orange.” Lucius says, hoping it’ll distract Izzy further.
He pulls one from behind his back like a magic trick. Then he makes it look like he pulled one out from behind Izzy’s own ear. It wasn’t his best performance, but Izzy didn’t seem to mind. It even gets him to smile. A small one, but a smile nonetheless.
He hands it to him, and watches as he struggles for a bit to actually get the orange peeled. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting anyway. So Lucius quickly takes it from him and peels it most of the way, leaving just a bit for him to peel himself. It manages to put another smile on his face.
Small victories.
There’s a lot of work that needs to be done, but Lucius thinks he’s ready for it. Finally some work he can do.