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Nightmares aren’t something Izzy has ever struggled with.
At least, that’s what Izzy would say to anyone who asked. Not that anyone would–it’s just, the nightmares from before were fine. When his nightmares consisted of normal things like terrifying monsters that would rip him out of his bed and take him back to their dark dens at the bottom of the ocean, or horrible memories from his childhood. Normal things like that.
But now, after everything that’s happened in the last year, his nightmares weren’t the same.
His nightmares had soon been replaced with horrible scenes and memories of Edward sneaking into his room, quiet as a mouse, with those same old shears. It’s bad enough having to see it again once, but it’s been happening so many times since the incident. Not enough to say every night, but more than enough to say it’s recurring.
He thought it had stopped bothering him for a while, right after Bonnet had come back ridiculously enough. But after a few weeks it had begun again.
It wasn’t that he hadn’t forgiven Edward for the incident. Izzy would always forgive his captain, no matter how horrible the circumstances. No matter if whatever his captain did still gives him horrible nightmares months later. To where he can’t stand the sight of his own bare foot anymore. But he knows that Edward feels bad about it, at least, he does now. After Bonnet has returned. He isn’t so sure if he felt bad about it right after he’d done it. He doesn’t believe so.
He forgives his captain.
At least, he thought he did. But with the return of the nightmare, Izzy isn’t so sure anymore. Does he truly forgive Edward? Can he? He has to, right? If he doesn’t, he wouldn’t be a very good first mate. Edward seemed sorry enough. Even if he hadn’t actually said the words to Izzy, Izzy knows he is remorseful. Because he knows Edward. He knows everything about his captain. He knows that he regrets it.
It still doesn’t change the fact that it happened though.
Nothing could ever change that fact. No number of apologies or pleads for forgiveness. So why even try? Izzy thought not talking about it would make it go away. If they don’t talk about it, maybe they’ll both forget it even happened. It wasn’t the first time Edward had hurt him anyway. And certainly not the most painful. He’s been shot by his own captain before. Sure it was an accident, but it certainly hurt. Still does sometimes. If he had held a grudge about that incident, his pirating journey would have been cut short a long time ago.
So, he shouldn’t be making a big deal out of all of this..right? He understands it all in his head. He understands that Edward is sorry. That he regrets doing it in the first place. And that the two of them just have to move past this. So why can’t the rest of him understand?
He’s spent so many long, dark, frustratingly quiet nights sitting up in his bed. Wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep but being unable to. On especially bad nights he likes to keep a hand on one of his knives. Just in case.
Nothing ever happens of course. No one comes into his room to hurt him. Edward doesn’t sneak in.
The only thing that happens on those nights is Izzy being too aware of every single creak and groan made by the ship. Unable to fall asleep because of the noise. Waiting, fearful, even if he would never admit that. He had never been scared of Edward like this. He had been a bit scared back then, when Blackbeard was his captain. Only because it was Blackbeard for god’s sake. Everyone was scared of Blackbeard.
But to be scared of Edward?
Is he scared of Edward?
He can’t be.
No.
He’s just afraid of losing another body part. That’s all. It doesn’t matter who would be sneaking into his cabin to attack him while he slept. It could be anyone on the ship. Fang, Ivan, Jim, hell even Stede Bonnet. But he doesn’t feel the same dread fill his stomach at the thought of any of them standing over him with a pair of shears the way it does when he imagines Ed doing it.
Every night before he goes to sleep, he does what could almost be called praying. Wishing and hoping desperately to get a good night’s rest. More grateful than he’s ever been the morning after, having got that rest. And taking most of his frustration out on the crew the mornings he didn’t. It was like taking a gamble each night.
How he wished he could sleep as much and as easily as everyone else onboard.
Heading to bed after a long day shouldn’t be as difficult as it is for Izzy. Everyone else around him seemed to have no problems getting to sleep. Not just at the end of the day either. The crew of The Revenge truly amazed him with their ability to fall asleep almost anywhere. He can’t count how many times he’s found The Swede asleep in a barrel. Or Wee John asleep in the galley.
How he wishes he could fall asleep like that, in his own bed.
He does his usual routine getting ready for bed. Which is: removing his baldric and vest. Then laying down on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. It’s not a very complicated bedtime routine, but it’s all he can bring himself to do every night. If it ends up being another sleepless night, all he has to do is get up and put those two things back on. If he ends up actually getting a few hours of sleep, well–it’s the same thing. It’s not the most comfortable way to sleep, but he’s used to it after so many months.
He hadn’t actually gotten comfortable in his bed since the–incident. He doesn’t want to put himself back in that vulnerable position again. If someone else really wants to try and cut off another one of his toes, they’ll have to remove either of his boots first. He thinks it’s pretty smart.
Tonight, to his surprise, he actually manages to fall asleep.
At least, for a few hours.
He wakes up on a choked breath, his hand instinctively reaching over to the crate his knives rest on.
He grips one tightly in his hand, trying to steady his breathing while using his other hand to rub the sleep from his eyes. His eyes quickly dart around the small room, his whole body relaxing as he finally realizes that he’s alone.
He sits up after putting his knife back down on the crate he uses as a table. He runs a hand through his hair, beginning to find that his room is too dark and small. Beginning to find that his mind isn’t clearing up the way it always eventually does after he wakes up from a nightmare.
Realizing that the fog had taken over his mind while he was sleeping. Clouding and muddling his thoughts more than it had in the past. The foggy feeling from before more intense than it had ever been. Feeling like his whole room is filled with fog, the fog surrounding him like a suffocating blanket.
He quickly gets up from his bed and rushes out of the small cabin, not bothering to grab anything, just needing to get out of there.
He makes it far enough away to where he can catch his breath, unsure of what else he can do. He can’t think of what he should be doing. What–where should he go? Should he find someone? Lucius?
Lucius.
Then his mind can’t focus on anything more than trying to find the scribe. Needing to find him. Needing to see him and have him tell Izzy that he’s okay. To have Lucius tell him he’s safe. And if he doesn’t believe it, he needs him to say it until he does. Please.
It’s hard enough focusing to stay on his feet, now he has to focus on Lucius as well? Trying to remember where he would be? Where would Lucius be? He would be asleep now, right? Izzy whimpers at the overwhelming frustration that builds way too fast for his liking.
He’s getting ready to just start calling out Lucius’ name when he hears laughing coming from the helm. The laughter immediately strikes him as the very person he’s looking for.
He manages to get himself to where the laughter is coming from, finding Lucius and Black Pete together. If he was even just the slightest bit himself, he would have deeply cared that Pete was there. But since he is barely managing to keep himself up, he gets Lucius’ attention by letting out a choked sob that surprises the three of them.
Still, it succeeds in very quickly gaining the scribe’s attention, who rushes over from where he was just laughing and joking around with his boyfriend.
He takes Izzy’s hand, trying to remain calm as he asks Izzy what was wrong and what had happened. Izzy isn’t able to answer, he just breaks down more, crying louder and louder until Lucius starts getting nervous the rest of the crew will get woken up by the noise. Not getting nervous for himself, but for Izzy. He knows that Izzy would never be able to live down crying like this in front of the rest of them. He knows that Izzy will be angry enough that Pete has seen him.
“C’mon Izzy, what’s wrong?” Lucius tries again, figuring that if he can get Izzy to focus on talking, it might lessen his crying. “What happened?”
Pete isn’t sure what to do either, he never imagined seeing Izzy so upset. So upset that he’s unable to speak. It’s a little scary honestly.
“Will you help me–move him or something?” Lucius asks him, trying to pull the first mate up from the floor that he had sunk to his knees on.
Pete silently agrees and helps his boyfriend pick the crying man off the ground. The two men manage to bring him down from the helm and into the galley, since it was the closest thing inside. They sit Izzy down by a barrel, grateful that he’s quieted down just the tiniest bit. He’s calmed down enough that Lucius isn’t worried he’ll make himself sick. Which is good because he doesn’t think he can handle a crying, non-verbal, and sick Izzy right now. Though the first mate is still very upset.
Lucius is sort of surprised to find Pete looking just as worried as him. He has his arms crossed in front of his chest, his brow furrowed in a way that shows just how concerned he is.
“What do we do?” He eventually asks.
“I don’t know! He’s never been like this before.” Lucius explains, beginning to chew on one of his nails nervously.
“Should we take him back to his room?” Pete asks, hoping that’ll be the answer.
At the mention of his room, Izzy grows more upset. Effectively answering Pete’s question.
He isn’t entirely sure what he wants. He just knows he doesn’t want to go back to his room, alone or not. And he can’t find a way to verbalize this, which just succeeds in upsetting him more. He tries to calm himself down by chewing on his cravat. It works more than he had originally thought it would. Grateful that he isn’t crying as hard. He tries to focus on how calm the two men in front of him are, trying his hardest to mirror them.
He blocks out the conversation being held above him, not paying any attention to their words. Instead continuing to chew on his cravat and beginning to fiddle with one of the leather bands wrapped above his elbow. Finding them a little more annoying than usual. He wants them off, and tries to unbuckle one himself, but is unsuccessful.
God, nothing seems to be going his way.
He sniffles rather loudly, even startling himself for a second. He looks up from his spot on the floor, making sure that he’s not alone again. Thankfully Lucius is still there, staring at him with concern, but still there. Pete had vanished though, Izzy really didn’t have half the mind to care. Didn’t have half the mind to do anything really. He was just happy that there was one less person watching him have a breakdown.
He rubs his eyes with the back of his ungloved hand, the tears seeming to slowly be coming to a stop. The tears. Oh. There he is, crying in front of Lucius again. Why does he keep doing this? Surely Lucius must be tired of having to listen and watch Izzy cry so much. Surely he doesn’t have much respect left for the first mate, not that he can blame the scribe. It was unbecoming. Unseemly. Blackbeard’s fearsome first mate reduced to a puddle of tears on the floor over something as silly as a nightmare.
What happened to him? Why is he like this? Why can’t he just keep it together for one night? Is that really too much to ask for now?
“Hey, Izzy?” Lucius captures his attention by joining him on the ground, not wanting Izzy’s crying to start picking up again. “It’s alright, I promise.”
Izzy shakes his head, not believing him at all. His breaths starting to get more panicked again. The scribe is just saying that to shut him up. Right? He’s just saying what he thinks Izzy wants to hear. That’s all..
“Izzy, whatever’s going on– we’ll get through it.”
We’ll? The both of them? Together? He can’t mean that..
“We don’t have to try and talk about it right now,” Which calms him down just the slightest bit, he doesn’t think he could talk about it if he wanted to. Doesn’t think he can talk about much of anything at the moment. “let’s just try and get you calmed down.”
Izzy tries his hardest to stop crying, it’s all he’s been trying to, but it doesn’t seem to be working. He tries to take deep breaths but he can’t and that just serves in panicking him further. He wants to calm down, why does it seem so hard?
Before he can start sobbing again, Lucius takes his face in his hands, making Izzy look at him. It works in quieting him down some. The scribe uses his thumbs to gently wipe away the new tears that threaten to fall down his cheeks. It’s a very soft gesture that Izzy really wants to hate, but can’t. He wants to hate how Lucius is comforting him. He wants to hate it all, but can’t.
“Just–breathe with me Izzy.” He slowly inhales and exhales, waiting for Izzy to copy him.
Which he does, taking a few more quick, panicked, breaths before slowly beginning to match Lucius.
There’s no talking for a while after that, just Lucius taking big deep breaths that Izzy copies. Effectively getting Izzy to finally calm down. He is truly confused on how Lucius does it. And why. It would’ve been so easy for him to simply shoo Izzy away, to make him deal with it all by himself. To not have to deal with trying to get him to calm down. But still, he comforts him. Just like he did the other day. Lucius comforts the man that had been nothing but rude to him before all this.
Having finally calmed down, the fog seems to lessen just the smallest bit. Enough for him to back away from Lucius, not wanting the scribe’s hands on his face any longer. Though he does miss the touch for a second after.
“Had a nightmare.” He manages to mumble, with slight shame.
Would Lucius laugh at him? Having such a bit fit over a nightmare? Would he be angry that Izzy bothered him over a nightmare?
“Seems like it was pretty scary.”
Izzy nods his head, wanting to be truthful and explain it all to Lucius. As much as he can at least. But it seems so scary to him, telling Lucius about this horrible nightmare that plagues him.
He gestures to his left boot, trying to think of the best way to explain. He knows that Lucius knows about the whole incident anyway, he just doesn’t know how it still affects him all these months later.
“Ed..he just-” He whimpers at both the memory of the event and the memory of the nightmare. “In my room. Sneaks in.”
He mimes the motion of using a pair of scissors, seeing the exact moment Lucius catches onto what he means.
“Oh, Izzy.” This would be the moment he’d grab Izzy and just–squeeze him. Hold him. Give him the hug he so desperately needs. “I’m so sorry.”
Izzy isn’t sure why Lucius is apologizing. He doesn’t understand.
“Didn't mean t’cry so much. Was just– scary.” He confesses, growing nervous.
“It sounds scary. You did the right thing Izzy.”
He doesn’t know if he should believe that. It really seemed like Lucius was having a good time before he interrupted. He and Black Pete seemed to be having a grand time. He can’t help but feel bad that he interrupted that. Surely one of them has to be a little bit annoyed or angry with him. He just didn’t have anyone else to go to..who else would have tolerated him while he was so upset?
“Sor-” He goes to apologize to Lucius, but quickly gets shushed.
“It’s alright Izzy. I’ve told you that already,” He reassures, taking Izzy’s ungloved hand in both of his, like he did the last time he comforted him. “It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to cry. Especially after something as scary as that.”
“No–’s not.” Izzy mumbles, not able to look the other man in the eyes.
“Why not Izzy?” He questions, genuinely curious why Izzy doesn’t believe him. “Why don’t you think it’s okay?”
Izzy isn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t prepared to be questioned like this. He doesn’t want to talk about this. This isn’t something he can talk about so freely like everyone else onboard apparently can. ‘Talk it through as a crew!’ and whatnot. That’s not him. It’s never been him. He’s never had to talk about his feelings. No one’s ever wanted to know about them..
“Because,” Izzy doesn’t answer right away, instead using his hand that isn’t being held to fiddle with the strings on his pants. What if he says the wrong thing? He doesn’t want to say something foolish. He should just say the truth. “It’s me.”
Lucius can honestly feel his heart break a little in his chest. Izzy is sitting in front of him, genuinely believing that it’s not okay to have feelings simply because it’s him? Is that really what he’s saying?
“Feelings aren’t for me..’m supposed to-” Izzy grows a little frustrated at not being able to find the right words. “I don’t have time for feelings. These feelings.”
It was the clearest, most ‘adult’, answer he could come up with. If he could pretend to be himself again, Lucius will have to drop this whole ‘talk about your feelings’ act. He doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. He doesn’t want to continue to be coddled over and babied by Lucius anymore. He doesn’t want to be comforted like some child. He shouldn’t have to be. He doesn’t deserve to be comforted like this. What kind of a pirate needs to be comforted? The fearsome Israel Hands, acting like some scared child and having to be comforted like one as well.
“Izzy, I don’t know who made you think that, but it’s not true.”
He shakes his head again, not wanting to listen to Lucius anymore. He can feel himself start to become angry. Angry that Lucius doesn’t understand. Angry that Lucius is still enabling this stupid, childish, behavior. Angry with himself for wanting to believe him. Why can't Lucius just tell him he has to just deal with it by himself. He doesn’t want to listen to anymore of his lies. He doesn’t want to listen to Lucius tell him it’s normal or human to feel upset. Because he knows it is.
He understands that part.
He doesn’t understand why Lucius continues to make him feel like it’s okay to act like some sort of child. Simply because he can’t handle what’s going on around him? He shouldn’t be praised for not being able to handle things.
If he listens to it any more, he’ll start to believe it. And he can’t.
Lucius sighs and squeezes Izzy’s hand a bit, to get his attention.
“I don’t know how to get you to believe me, but I will. I’m not gonna give up on you Izzy, just because you gave up on yourself.”