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The thing was Stede loved horror. He was a connoisseur of horror cinema, both the tried and true classics and the schlocky stuff. If there was the hint of a ghost or a serial killer in the movie’s trailer, he was buying a ticket. There was something about knowing something spooky was happening and the race against the clock to solve the mystery before the final (killer) buzzer that made his blood sing.
He also loved actual haunted houses, the ones with romantic and tragic stories of long dead lovers and forgotten maidens and squandered hope. There was something about wandering an old hallway, peering out along a widow’s walk, or walking with your hand on the banister of an old staircase and knowing there was the slight chance you might see the glimpse of a spirit that warmed his heart.
What Stede did not like were those cheesy haunted houses that popped up a few months before every Halloween, the ones that promised scares at the hands of seasonal workers that splattered themselves in gore and jumped out at you from behind a curtain as you walked through a dimly lit maze that you, for some reason, paid to have the pleasure to do. If anyone asked, he’d say that there was no artistry, that it was all lame tricks and he didn’t appreciate seeing horror lowered to such a degree.
If he was telling the truth, he’d have to admit that they terrified him.
The beautiful thing about horror movies is that they were safely trapped behind a screen. There was no danger of a Babadook or a Wraith or Michael Myers appearing in his apartment or behind him in the movie theater. Stede knew what fiction was. As for real ghosts, there was no promise that visiting a supposedly haunted place would actually apparate any spirits, only that he’d see some lovely interior design with the chance to glimpse the beyond.
But with a haunted attraction, there was no guesswork. There were people being paid to sit in some hidden nook and jump out right when you walked by them. And Stede’s anxiety couldn’t handle it. The knowing, the anticipation, the jump and constant dread knowing that another scare was coming? No, thank you. Stede had gone through one haunted house as a child and figured out quickly that he was good going without, thank you very much.
Which is why he was mortified when Lucius announced where they were headed Friday night.
“I thought we were getting drinks at Jackie’s!” He startled from the back of the car, sandwiched in between Roach and Swede.
“Yeah, after we check out The Thirteenth Door,” Stede could hear Lucius rolling his eyes as he took the next exit. “It’s in the old movie theater and I heard it’s super spooky.”
“I heard that if you make it through without screaming once, you get to go through again for free,” Pete added.
“Why on earth would anyone want to go through twice?” Stede frowned.
“I dunno. Maybe the chainsaw guy’s hot?”
Everyone else seemed to agree with Lucius and Stede thought he was going insane.
As they pulled into the parking lot (it was next to the mall??), Stede felt his stomach drop to his shoes. Not only did he not want to go, but he noticed that he was the oldest person there by a good ten years. Jim, Olu, Frenchie, and John waved from where they were holding a spot in line and Stede desperately looked around for somewhere he could inconspicuously wait for them.
“Don’t even think it,” Lucius appeared from behind him and hooked their elbows together, dragging Stede along. “We are going to get the shit scared out of us as one of those bonding activities you’re always going on about.”
“This isn’t exactly what I meant.”
“Nothing bonds like shared trauma,” Lucius grinned before turning to face the gang. “No one is letting Steeb chicken out, right?”
A cheer rose up from the group and Stede knew then he’d have to suck it up. Steady on, Bonnet.
—
“Are ye ready to enter the mansion?” A surprisingly attractive bearded man dressed all in leather asked their gathered group. They’d waited in line a good half hour and despite Stede’s several suggestions that the wait was too long, shouldn’t they just head to the bar?, everyone was in high spirits when they made it to the front. Since they were a rather large group of friends, it seemed they’d be going through the attraction in two smaller groups: John, Frenchie, Swede, and Roach first, followed by Lucius, Pete, Oluwande, Jim, and Stede.
Stede’s goal was to be firmly in the middle of the five of them. He knew how these things worked: if you were in the front, the actors would go after you first and if you were in the back, they would follow you. His nervous stomach was on red alert and he was getting ready to attach himself like a barnacle to one of his friends. It was so bad, he couldn’t even properly appreciate the actor who was giving the little spiel about what they would find when they went inside, turn back now if you value your life, watch out for snakes, etc, etc. His eyes were very expressive and he was unfairly attractive and oh god, was it their turn now?
“I ain’t afraid of no ghost!” Lucius and Jim hollered as they lead the front of the pack and in his angst of this beginning, Stede had somehow gotten left behind and fuck fuck fuck, now he was last.
“Be careful in there!” The guide called after them and Stede turned to see the actor getting ready to close the door.
“I shall endeavor to do my best!” Stede called back. Oh fuck, it was starting.
The actor looked startled, took a second look at Stede, and winked as he closed the door.
—
I shall endeavor to do my best. Who the fuck said that as they were entering a haunted house? Ed shook his head with a grin as heard the door click behind him. The man looked utterly terrified and he did feel for him a bit but this was a fucking haunted attraction that he paid to go through so clearly they were just damn good at their job. This was the best haunted house in the county, they’d won it five years running. So no matter how cute that strange little worried man was, Ed just had to shrug. He’d make it out fine.
Another group was led up to the entrance and Ed pulled up the facade again, started to give his little warning and get the punters warmed up for their grand entrance. But as he waved his arms menacingly, he noticed Izzy shaking his head vigorously from backstage. The fuck?
“Stay still, young adventurers, for your journey begins soon,” Ed tried to trail off mysteriously before making his way over to his assistant manager/mad scientist.
“What the fuck, Iz? You can’t cut me off mid-speech like that.”
“Had to,” Izzy growls. “Stupid group you just sent in hasn’t made their way out of the landing yet.”
Ed blinked.
“What do you mean? They just have to walk through the door.”
“Apparently,” and Izzy’s voice contains the deepest loathing Ed’s heard in a long while, “they haven’t figured that out yet.”
“..... the name of the haunt is The Thirteenth Door.”
Izzy just continued to glare.
“Fang’s in with them, right? He should be able to get them on their way.”
“Will you just go watch this group from the back?” Izzy sighed, clearly annoyed as all hell. “I don’t trust ‘em. I’ll take over the front until Charles gets here in five to cover for you, then run back in to ferry ‘em through if needed.”
Izzy was volunteering to cover the entrance? There must be something Ed was missing. And then it clicked as Ed saw that much too overdressed for a haunted house guy in his mind’s eye and realized what group it was.
Oh, he was going to watch the hell out of this.
—
They’d been in the same room for five minutes. Stede was fairly sure that wasn’t supposed to happen, both because he knew scares worked better if you didn’t have time to acclimate yourself to them and also the actor looked bored. Well, as much as he could tell behind their very simple but effective costume.
After the door had clicked behind them, a short scare actor, dressed all in black with only a full white face mask that shined in the dark, approached them. After a prerecorded voice mentioned something about following the sound of chimes and to never look back, Lucius and Jim turned to the left and strode forward, leaving Stede to bring up the rear again. They eventually reached what looked to be a solid wall with a small doorway in it. And apparently Lucius and Jim could not agree on how to open the door that was there.
“You need to twist the handle,” Lucius reached forward to twist the knob but had his hand slapped away.
“It just needs a shove,” Jim asserted. “They don’t want us to actually handle the door.”
“Actually, as someone who has worked as a scare actor before,” Pete began to everyone’s groan but Stede’s.
Because Stede had turned around.
“Um, guys?” No one paid him any attention but he dearly wished they would because the seemingly short actor that had pointed them in the right direction must have stood up because he was easily now much taller, taller than Stede, and walking very slowly towards them. “Can we keep moving please?”
“Hush, we’re figuring this out!” Lucius called from the door, the four of them arguing the best way to move through (or rather, three of them arguing and Olu trying to broker peace.) Stede had no choice but to watch the figure move closer and closer until finally he was just a breath away from Stede.
“So, um, how’s your evening going?”
The figure said nothing.
“Do you do this often? What am I talking about, of course you do. Do you have to walk out on your knees? Does that hurt? And you must have to do it so many times a night! Do you guys run shows every night of the week? It must be torture! Do you have a good knee care remedy? I’m sure you do, by this point, but I’ve found that—”
There it was. Stede’s terrified, anxiety-riddled brain had turned on and gone into polite babbling mode. To be fair, it wasn’t too different from normal but he tended to get higher, squeaker, and lost most of the little filter he normally had. If he had any room for normal thought, he’d be annoyed with himself. Good thing he was pure nerves.
—
Izzy was right; they were incredibly stuck. What was more entertaining than watching four grown adults try to open a door, though, was watching that lunatic in the back trying to give Fang self care tips. Fang, bless him, was attempting to stay in character but it was hard when said character was basically supposed to lurk and steadily creep but never actually catch up to the group. And now he’d just been standing there for a good seven minutes.
Something pinged in the back of Ed’s brain and he glanced down at his desk, rummaging through a stack of papers until he found the note he was looking for.
First door sticking. Fix before 5.
Well, that explained a lot. Oops.
Reaching over to the lightboard, he tapped the button to flash a quick red beam in the first room, unspoken permission for Fang to break character to get these bozos through.
God, he really should start keeping snacks in here.
—
Stede was starting to get attached to his ghoulish friend. After several minutes of rambling, even Stede petered out and the actor, clearly trying to stay in character, started bouncing from one foot to the other in a silly little dance that might have been intimidating if Stede had not just told him his entire hair care routine. After a moment, Stede joined him until they were hopping in unison, listening to Lucius and Jim argue.
A red light flashed in Stede’s periphery and he turned his head to look but missed whatever it must have been. However, upon turning back, he found not a demon but a friendly looking man who had clearly just removed his mask.
“Tell your buddies to turn the knob and shove the door at the same time. It gets stuck sometimes. And if anything like this happens again, always turn right. You’ll eventually hit the exit.”
“Oh, um, thanks! I’ll pass along the information.”
And then Stede bowed.
Oh for heaven’s sake.
He caught the edge of a grin from the actor before he slipped his mask back on and headed back to his post. Okay, focus, Bonnet. Stop thinking about what a fool you’re making of yourself and go help.
“I have information!” Stede announced, taking a few steps towards his friends who …. had just managed to get the door open themselves. God damn it.
—
This was the best show on earth, fuck the circus. The blond man (Stede, if he’d heard his friend correctly and what a name!) was the most entertaining thing Ed had encountered in ages. Despite his clear terror, he remained steadfastly at the back of his group, looking every scare actor in the eye and just talking to them. Like they were having morning brunch or something. Sure, his voice was maybe slightly higher pitched than Ed would have expected and he was breathing slightly more heavily than seemed normal but other than that? Smooth sailing.
Ivan came around the corner with a chainsaw and the little black haired one at the front of Stede’s group screamed bloody murder. Stede?
“I’d be careful running with that thing, dear boy! Liable to put someone’s eye out, maybe even your own!”
They turned a corner and Sam jumped out from the wall, reaching for them and accidentally brushing Stede’s shoulder.
“Please be careful, good sir! As far as I know, this is not a contact house and you are not allowed to touch me. I’m sure this was an accident but if it happens again, I am aware that it is within my rights to sue! Not that I would, of course, that’s incredibly silly but there are others that are not as kind as me and…”
He’d kept talking as they walked despite being almost out of the room. Sam, wisely, had pulled his hand back and was being more cautious with the other guests.
Anne and Mary were next, a little witchy room to slow down the pace before Izzy’s mad scientist, and Ed perked up, curious what Stede would do next. The tough one that was leading the way next to the screamer just side-eyed the heck out of Anne and Mary, which Ed had to respect, as they started their little chant. The two partners (at least, he thought they were partners to the leaders) were next, keeping more of an eye on the two in front than anything around them. And then, the star of the show.
“Hello, ladies. What a lovely brew you’ve got there. Quite the aroma! Is that a hint of cinnamon? I’d say it smells delicious but you do seem to have quite a few entrails in there so I think I’ll have to pass this go ‘round! But keep up the good work, I’m sure you’ll be competing with Starbucks in no time!”
Ed lost it, almost dropping his Red Bull. He’d been running this haunt for ten years, was honestly getting a little bored with it, and this funny, handsome little man came in tonight, way overdressed and stressed out of his mind and somehow had flipped the whole script. Who the hell was this guy?
—
They went through the next doorway (was that eight? Stede had figured out a little earlier that they must be going through thirteen rooms but his anxiety had lost count at the second) and it seemed to be some sort of evil chemist’s lair. Body parts were scattered helter skelter, concoctions bubbled and smoked on tables just out of reach, and the angriest little man Stede had ever seen was slapping a ruler against his palm like Stede had personally offended.
“Oh, is this your lab? You might want to clean it up a bit. Looks like it’s seen better days.” Stede babbled. Oddly, despite the clear hatred on this man’s face (and what was that about?! Stede didn’t know this guy!), this was the least intimidated Stede had felt all evening.
As he took a step forward, his foot hit one of the fake heads on the floor and launched it sideways, slamming against the wall with a loud WHUMP. Stede came to a quick stop and slowly turned towards the scientist.
“I’m terribly sorry. Was that your head?”
If it were physically possible, Stede could swear there would be steam pouring out the little man’s ears. The ruler fwipped against his hand so hard, surely it must be starting to hurt.
“Well, maybe you’ll learn to store them better next time. It was right in the way of my foot. Honestly, all you demons could stand a nice tidy. Every room’s been worse than the last!”
Stede continued walking, trying to catch up to Oluwande’s back as they entered what looked to be a graveyard, only to notice that the angry scientist was still padding behind him.
“Are you … coming with us?” Stede asked. He was fairly sure the scare actors were supposed to stay in their zone and he hadn’t heard of many graveyard scientists. Although maybe this was a new thing this haunt was trying out? Could be scary.
The scientist’s face did not budge as he just kept walking behind Stede, slightly closer than Stede would have preferred and Stede did his best to tune him out.
—
What the fuck was Izzy doing? He was still following the group and they were past the graveyard and into the second to last room by now. Knowing Iz, he’d say that he was just making sure they kept along at a solid pace but after seeing Izzy’s face, it was clear he just really hated Stede.
Which just made Ed want to know Stede more.
Not that he didn’t know plenty about him already, even if Stede had unwittingly given all that information to different scare actors throughout the house. But there was something about this guy, with his ridiculously coiffed hair and his fashion plate looks and his squeaky adorable voice, that was strangely compelling.
Maybe he should be waiting at the exit to congratulate him on making it through. That was a normal thing to do, right? He hadn’t done it before, sure, but there was a first time for everything. Hell, he should thank Stede for giving him such an entertaining night. Guy deserved a medal for making Ed’s monotonous old haunt seem new again.
Having convinced himself, Ed made his way to the exit.
—
Surely it was almost over. The angry man was still behind him, Stede was fairly sure he'd counted at least thirteen doors, and his head was swirling as he kept up a monologue vaguely at the man behind him but mostly just to give his nerves something to focus on.
“And then Alma said that there was no way that a kookaburra was a real thing. Children, you know? I’m really going to have to take the kids to New Zealand sometime. They are half Kiwi and they need to know the animals they read about in their storybooks aren’t the same as a unicorn or a dinosaur or a–OH, THANK GOD.”
The last door was finally open and Lucius was ushering them through. The cool night air felt heavenly against his hot forehead, and Stede could feel everything catching up to him at once, the release of nerves becoming a deluge of feeling that made his whole body quiver.
He took one step forward, slowly sunk to his knees, and then to his elbows, and then met the ground, as he heard shouts of “Stede!” from behind him, one voice unfamiliar.
—
It was the slowest faint Ed had ever seen, the man going down in stages as if his body was ever so slowly turning out the lights. Luckily, that meant he didn’t go down hard and Ed managed to join the crowd of his friends gathering around him.
“I shouldn’t have made him come!” the screamer muttered to his bald boyfriend who had a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“Help me sit him up!” the tough one called to the others, though it was Ed who came to help. The tough one gave him an odd sideways glance but said nothing.
“There’s a soft patch of grass around the corner. Help me get him there?” Ed asked and the tough one nodded. Between the two of them, they managed to get him situated, Ed’s jacket rolled up underneath his head as a pillow. He’d sent Izzy back into the haunt to grab a water bottle, much to the man’s dismay but despite everything, Stede was still a paying customer and reminding Izzy they might get a bad yelp review was enough to make him agree.
Stede’s friends had been side-eyeing him since he’d taken his spot next to Stede’s head (was that weird? He just wanted to be the first thing Stede saw when he woke—okay, he saw now how that might be weird) and he’d done his best to reassure them that he was just making sure that Stede was okay, you know, as a member of staff.
The screamer had said “okay” very sarcastically and Ed was ignoring that.
—
Stede awoke to the most handsome man he’d ever seen staring down at him. He looked vaguely familiar. He was wearing a top hat?
Wait, was he laying on grass?
With a splutter, Stede bolted upright, the gorgeous man’s arm quickly coming to help prop him up.
“Careful, mate!” He’d heard that voice before but it hadn’t sounded so kind, surely? Like warm molasses and .. Stede’s stomach lurched and he leaned over to his right side just in case but thankfully wasn’t sick.
“Here, I’m going to give you some water. Might make you feel a little better.” The man carefully handed him a water bottle and Stede took a slow sip. The pause gave his mind a chance to relax and piece together what was going on. They’d come out of the haunt and oh god, he'd collapsed, hadn't he? How embarrassing. And now this man, the man from the beginning he remembered now, was taking care of him and rubbing his back and honestly, maybe this whole thing had been worth it?
“Feeling better?” the man asked and Stede nodded, only now noticing that all his friends were also gathered around him, watching the two of them with relieved but unimpressed looks.
“I’m fine!” Stede asserted, attempting to stand up but being held down by the man at his side. “Everyone, stop looking at me like that!”
“Stede, you fainted when we came out of the haunted house,” Lucius rolled his eyes. “Though,” he added with a patented devilish Lucius grin, “you seem to be doing fine now.”
Stede could feel his cheeks heat but wasn’t sure if that was a blush or residual nerves. He was going to go with residual nerves. He once again tried to stand and once again wasn’t allowed.
“Don’t get up until you finish at least half of that water, mate,” the handsome man next to him said, nodding his head toward the bottle still in Stede’s hand. “Ed, by the way.”
“Stede,” Stede managed between sips.
“Got that,” Ed winked and Stede’s stomach flipped for a different reason.
Lucius explained that the first group had gone ahead to Jackie’s, getting them a table after being assured that Stede would be fine. He, Pete, Jim and Olu had stayed behind to look after him and either get him to the bar or home, depending on how he was feeling.
“I hate to be a spoilsport but I think I may need to call it a night,” Stede apologized to Lucius and the rest. “I feel a bit overwhelmed and in need of some sleep.”
“No worries, Cap,” Oluwande replied. “Our fault for taking you out here when some people knew you didn’t like haunted houses.”
“I didn’t think he’d faint,” Lucius sighed, though he does look as genuinely sorry as Lucius was able.
“It’s fine, you two. You couldn’t have known I’d react like that. I didn’t know I'd react like that. But thanks to Ed here, I’m perfectly fine and hydrated!”
“Yes, yes, and your skin is clear and your crops are watered,” Lucius winked and Stede had no idea what that meant.
“Why don’t I help you stand up,” Ed distracted him, “while your friends go pull the car around?” And despite only having known him maybe ten minutes at the most, all four of Stede’s friends nodded to Ed and walked back towards the parking lot. Stede was impressed. Maybe it was the sense of leadership that just emanated from Ed. Or maybe it was the hat.
“Up you get,” Ed slowly helped him get to his feet, one hand holding his left and the other wrapped around his lower back. “Careful now.”
“I’m fine, honestly,” Stede promised, not one hundred percent sure about that but knowing he would be. “I’m sorry for all of this.”
“Don’t be,” Ed waved him off. “This is the most fun I’ve had in ages. Er, not that you fainting was fun, course not, but just you being you, yeah? You’re a fascinating fellow.”
Stede blinked.
“Oh, um, thank you?” He had no idea how this gorgeous man could have ever gotten that impression of him but he wasn’t going to dissuade him.
“Plus, you know, you have to come back,” Ed continued talking, slowly walking Stede towards the parking lot, right arm still on his lower back.
“I do?”
“You went through that whole haunt without screaming once,” Ed winked. “Which means you get to come back for free.”
“Ah,” Stede breathed, not entirely sure what to say. Because he didn’t particularly want to come back but also, well, Ed.
“Here,” Ed stopped them at the edge of the lot and pulled something out of his pocket, fiddling with it for a second before handing it to him. It was a business card that read ‘Edward Teach, Professional Spook’ with a phone number handwritten on the back. “That’s my cell. Text me to let me know you got home safe and we’ll set up a private tour.”
A honk broke Stede out of his thoughts, a car pulled up alongside them.
“The Stede Express is leaving!” Lucius called from the back window. "Beep beep!"
“Thanks again, Ed,” Stede turned to him, ignoring his friends and slightly embarrassed but charmed nonetheless. “I’ll, um, text you.”
“You better,” Ed winked, taking off his top hat and plonking it onto Stede’s head. “Get a good night’s sleep, Stede.”
And Stede ignored the crowing from the car as he blushed for the nth time that night and slipped into the passenger seat.
—-
Izzy was furious Ed gave away the hat but Ed didn't care. Just another excuse to see Stede again.
Ed just grinned when his phone dinged a half hour later and he saved the new contact as ‘Handsome Stede’. He’d get his full name at coffee next week, once he’d, you know, convinced him to meet him for coffee. He’d liked what he’d seen so far so he fully intended to learn everything about him and if that led to dates, a relationship, a honeymoon in Barbados, so be it.
God, Izzy was going to be so mad.