Chapter Text
Normally, in Camelot, curses were preceded by some kind of social event, where visitors were invited into Camelot, or at least some level of dramatics, where an angry sorcerer would criticize Uther, or the kingdom, or prejudice. Those curses, Merlin was used to. He could usually figure out who was responsible and fix it. But this curse happens on an ordinary day, with no clear suspects or reasons. This curse didn’t even kill anyone. The whole kingdom just woke up to a burning pain on the back of their left hands, a word or phrase seared into their flesh. Luckily, after the initial pain, there was no need for treatment, as the burns had settled into scars almost immediately.
After about the fourth patient to enter Gauis’ workspace, he and Merlin figure out what the meaning of the words are. They were the person’s greatest fear. Upon realizing this, Merlin immediately wrapped his hand in some torn cloth to create a makeshift glove that covers his mark but still allowed full mobility and function so he can go about his day unimpeded. He ignores Gauis’ sympathetic look and heads out the door, ready to grab Arthur’s breakfast and bring him the news of the meaning of the curse while Gauis informs the king.
By the time he had gotten to the kitchens, the word had spread and most everyone was talking about the curse. Now, most people were laughing with a friend about their embarrassing fears- like heights or jesters- but there were some, like Merlin, who had covered theirs up. He runs through the halls up to Arthur’s chambers, and takes a deep breath before entering. Unsurprisingly, Arthur is awake, most likely from the initial pain of the curse, and already dressed.
“Have you and Gauis figured it out?” He asks immediately upon Merlin's entry.
“Yeah, it seems like the words are everyone’s worst fear.” Merlin sighs as he puts down Arthur's breakfast on his table.
“Oh thank the gods.” Arthur sighs. Merlin gives him a questioning glance. “I thought it was like, what we were or something. I guess mine isn’t all that surprising then.”
“Oh, right.” Merlin makes a point not to ask, or look at Arthur's hand. It felt like an invasion of privacy.
“Would you go get my armor, we have training with the knights after I’m finished here.” Arthur says, eating the bread off his plate. Merlin nods and heads towards the armory. As he gathers Arthur's armor, Lancelot approaches him.
“Is it true? That the words are the person's worst fear?” Lancelot rubs the back of his hand.
“Yeah.”
“Is yours…. Telling?” He asks quietly, glancing around to make sure no one is listening in.
“Not outright. It doesn’t say anything like ‘someone finding out I have magic’. That would be a bit wordy.” Merlin tries to joke.
“Then why do you have it covered up?” Lancelot asks, brows furrowed.
Merlin sighs, looking around to check that they are alone, before quickly unwrapping his hand. He sticks his hand out towards Lancelot, showing the raised scar. Arthur Pendragon.
“Fuck.” Lancelot mutters.
“Yeah, he would be crushed if he knew.” Merlin says as he wraps his hand back up.
“That’s what you’re worried about? Not that your worst fear isn’t being burned alive, or killed, or everyone finding out your secret, but that Arthur’s feelings would be hurt if he knew? You spend practically all your time with him and he’s your worst fear?” Lancelot whispers, incredulous.
“I mean, it’s not like I’m afraid of him- well I am but not like- it’s more like-” Merlin sighs, pinching the bridge or his nose. “It’s more like all my worst fears revolve around him. Like I’m most scared of him finding out about my magic. I’m scared of him having to kill me. I’m scared of him finding out I’ve been lying to him- or gods forbid- how I feel about him. He is the person in the world who can hurt me the most. So it’s not like I’m shaking in my boots whenever I’m around him. I mean, I don’t think he’d actually try to hurt me unless he found out, you know?”
Lancelot looks at him hard, before sighing. “Yeah.” He seems to realize something. “What do you mean try to hurt you?”
“I mean, you know Arthur. The only way he knows how to show affection is with violence. I mean, when he punches you knights in the arm or pushes you or whatever, it doesn’t hurt you, but I’m not exactly strong like you all are. I bruise easily anyway, it’s not like it’s difficult to hurt me. I know he doesn’t mean to, it doesn’t bother me. Listen, I have to get this armor up to Arthur, I’m already late enough. I’ll see you in a bit alright?” Merlin walks off with Arthur's armor in his arms, not seeing Lancelot’s concerned face.
He opens the door to Arthur's chambers with his foot, struggling with his armful of armor.
“Took you long enough.” Arthur rolls his eyes.
“Sorry, Lancelot had questions about the curse.” He makes his way over to the table, trying and failing to put the armor down gently. He winces. “Sorry.” Arthur just sighs and motions for him to hurry up.
Soon they are on the training field and Merlin polishes his sword as he listens to the knights banter as they train.
“Seriously Leon, what a suck up! Your worst fear is seriously ‘Dishonor’? What are you trying to get a promotion or something?” Gwaine laughs.
“It’s not as if I control what my greatest fear is Gwaine. At least it’s not boring like yours! Just ‘Death’? That’s so vague!”
“That’s a perfectly reasonable fear, Leon.” Gwaine scoffs. “Plus, it’s pretty badass to have a scar that says ‘Death’!” He adds proudly.
“To be fair Gwaine, ‘Dishonor’ also makes a pretty cool scar.” Lancelot chimes in.
“Well what’s yours say then?” Gwaine laughs.
“..... Well now I don’t wanna say.”
“It is a bit personal, isn’t it?” Percival adds. They have stopped training now and are just talking.
“There’s nothing embarrassing about having fears. As long as you embrace it and work through it, live despite it, there is no shame in having fear.” Arthur says solemnly.
“You’ve literally said multiple times you aren’t afraid of anything.” Merlin scoffs incredulously.
“I’m not afraid of much. Monsters, bandits, that sort of thing doesn’t scare me. I’m only saying this because I can see some of you are struggling with this. Nothing I say leaves this group.” He looks sternly at the knights and Merlin. “Everyone is afraid of something. I myself,” He sighs, “I fear I won’t be a good King. Of failing Camelot. I’m good at fighting, but that skill doesn’t mean I’m fit to rule a kingdom. But I work at it. I am not shying away from it. I’m using that to become better. And I hope that because of that, I can be a good King despite that.”
There's a heavy silence.
Lancelot speaks up. “It’s kind of stupid, but mine says ‘fear’. I’m afraid of lacking courage.”
“Mine also says ‘death’.” Percival adds, Gwaine runs over to high five him.
“Same fear!” Percival rolls highs eyes
“Mine’s losing Gwen.” Elyan says.
They all look at Merlin, Lancelot having concern heavy on his face.
“Hey, I get it, this is some knight bonding thing, but I’m not a knight.” Merlin shakes his head.
Gwaine scoffs “You might as well be! You come with us on all our adventures, and have saved our lives a couple times. What? Is it super embarrassing or something?” Gwaine looks curiously at his covered hand.
Merlin shifts uncomfortably under the group's gaze. He looks at Lancelot. He waits too long before responding.
“Yep…… you know me. Haha, super afraid of everything. It’s very embarrassing.” He says, and they all look at him unconvinced, as Lancelot winces.
“Mate, that was the least convincing lie anyone has ever told.” Gwaine laughs.
“Look, if Merlin doesn’t want to share that’s ok.” Lancelot says.
“Yeah alright, but now I’m really damn curious” Gwaine laughs and ruffles Merlin's hair, dodging his hands as he tries to bat him away.
The rest of the training session goes smoothly, and the knights seemingly benefit from sharing their worst fears.
That night when Merlin brings Arthur his dinner, the prince is oddly silent.
“Is everything ok?” Merlin asks, concerned.
“Merlin, at training today. You seemed afraid to tell us what your greatest fear is. If it’s just embarrassing or whatever I’ll drop it but… Are you afraid of one of the knights?” Merlin freezes, almost dropping the pitcher in his hand.
“No!” He says, apparently too quickly.
Arthur snaps his head up. “Did one of them hurt you?” He stands up. “Merlin if one of my knights hurt you I swear to you, they will pay.”
“No, no it’s ok, no one hurt me.” Merlin says, trying to calm Arthur.
“Merlin please, why are you scared of one of my knights?” Arthur looks so concerned that Merlin swears he can feel his heart break.
“Really Arthur, it’s fine, you really don’t need to worry about it.”
“Merlin, it’s you, of course I need to worry about it. You’re clearly afraid. Please. You know you can trust me, don’t you?”
“Yes of course, it’s just not a big deal.” Merlin says, pleading with his eyes for Arthur to drop it.
“Merlin, if one of my knights is your greatest fear it is absolutely a big deal. Please.”
“It’s fine Arthur, really.”
“Please let me see so I can fix it.” Arthur pleads.
Merlin sighs. “You aren’t going to drop this are you?”
“No.”
Merlin thinks back on what Arthur had said earlier that day. ‘As long as you embrace it and work through it, live despite it, there is no shame in having fear’
“Can you promise not to freak out? It isn’t in the way you think, alright?”
Arthur nods.
“Please, Arthur.”
“I promise.”
Merlin pauses, before slowly unwrapping his hand and sticking it out towards Arthur. Arthur grasps his hand gently, dropping it as if it had burned him when he reads his name. He steps back, looking at Merlin in horror.
“I- I’m your greatest fear? Merlin if this about when I- when I throw things at you or- or threaten you with the stocks or whatever else when you joke around with me- I’m not- you have to know I’m not serious. I know I can be a prat but I- Merlin I would never hurt you.” Arthur is looking at him with so much sincerity it hurts.
Merlin smiles sadly. “It’s not that. I know you’re kidding. I know you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose yet. Just, don’t worry about it alright.”
“On purpose? Yet? Merlin, have I hurt you before? What do you mean yet?”
“It’s not a big deal, I’m used to it.” Arthur physically recoils at this.
“You’re- you’re used to me hurting you?” Arthur looks so horrified that part of Merlin wants to laugh.
“I mean, kind of, yeah. I know you don’t mean to, I’m just not as strong as you or the knights. I bruise easily, and you and the knights are very… physical people. I know it’s how you show affection, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I take it as a complement when you punch or shove me. It makes me feel like you guys see me as a friend. I mean, as much as you can. I know I can’t really be any of your friends. I mean, with Lancelot we were friends before he became a knight so it’s a little different, but still. Plus, I know you never mean to hurt me! I mean that one time you threw a goblet at me and I didn’t duck in time you felt so bad, you didn’t throw anything at me for an entire week!”
“Okay, even though this information has me deeply concerned, I’m going to pretend like everything you said is reasonable, we’ll get back to that. You said yet. Merlin, what makes you think I would ever hurt you on purpose? I mean, you say things to me that are technically treason on a regular basis, what makes you think that anything would make me hurt you?” Arthur asks, his brows furrowed, looking like he wants to cry.
“Arthur please.” Merlin looks at the floor, tears in his eyes. “I want things to stay like they are.”
“If I’m your worst fear, then something needs to change, Merlin. Let me prove to you that you don’t need to be afraid of me.”
“Alright- just… if you’re going to kill me would you just do it here. It would really hurt Gaius and Gwen to see me publicly executed.” Merlin says, the tears finally rolling down his cheeks.
“Publicly execut- Merlin you think I would kill you?”
“Just promise me, please.” He looks at Arthur, wiping his tears away, laughing when more fall “Gods, I’m such a wimp.”
“You’re not-” Merlin looks at him pleadingly. “Yes Merlin, I promise.”
“Ok.. fuck this is hard. There’s a lot, could you just let me finish before you say anything?” Arthur nods. “Alright. Fuck I’m scared. Ok, here goes. I have magic.” He looks at the floor as he says it, not having the courage to look at Arthur. “I was born with it. My mom says I could move things with my mind before I could talk. I- I only use it for good- I use it for you- I would never hurt you or Camelot. I use it to protect you. I don’t even know where the tavern is.” Merlin laughs through his tears as he shakes. “Every time Gaius says I’m at the tavern I’m off trying to stop assassins and evil sorcerers from killing you or your father, or I’m breaking a curse, or whatever else I need to do to keep Camelot safe- to keep you safe. Every time when bandits or assassins attack us and I hide, it’s because I’m using magic to keep you and the knights safe- whether it’s making branches falls or making swords slip out of their hands, or stopping arrows or daggers, or making them trip- I use my magic to help. I use it to protect you. I would never hurt you.” At this point, Merlin is sobbing as he holds himself, shaking. “Please believe me Arthur, I would never hurt you.”
“Why did you come to Camelot?” Arthur asks, voice void of emotion.
“It wasn’t for a bad reason I promise! It wasn’t safe for me in Ealdor. I was having trouble controlling my magic. My mother sent me to Gaius in hopes that he could help me control my magic and that I could learn medicine from him. But then I met you and gods you were such an ass, and then I saved your life and became your servant and then I met a dragon who told me it was my destiny to protect you and help you become King, and I didn’t want to at first but then I got to know you and you turned out to be so noble, and kind, and strong, and good, and I could see the King you’re going to become and I wanted to help. And then you saved my life and you believed me when nobody else would, even though I’m a servant. And every time I see you hurt, it feels like my whole body- even my magic- rebels against my brain and even though it’s so scary to live here, and I’m so scared of you or your father finding out, and I’ve almost died several times while saving you, I can’t just leave you. And now I’m telling you and you’re going to kill me. But Arthur, please don’t think I betrayed you, I would never hurt you. I couldn’t. If you’re already going to kill me, I might as well tell you everything. I love you. I’m in love with you. I know this doesn’t change that you have to kill me and that you’ll never love me back, but hey, I’m about to die anyway.” Merlin takes a deep shaking breath as he finishes speaking, having trouble breathing through his sobs. He closes his eyes, waiting for Arthur to kill him. But he doesn’t hear Arthur drawing his sword.
“Merlin,” Arthur starts, his voice cracking, “Merlin look at me.”
Merlin wipes his eyes and looks up, tears still running down his face.
“I’m not going to kill you.”
“You’re not?” Merlin asks, afraid to believe it.
“No. Can I come closer? I won’t hurt you.” Merlin nods.
Arthur steps close, and Merlin eyes him wearily. He grabs Merlin's hand and runs his thumb over the scar.
“I’m sorry.” Arthur says after a moment.
“You’re sorry? For what?” Merlin says, shocked.
“That I ever acted in a way that made you believe that I am someone to fear.”
“You don’t- you don’t think I’m evil? That I’m a monster?” Merlin asks, another tear rolling down his cheek. Arthur wipes it away with the hand not holding Merlin's.
“You’re Merlin. You are loud on hunts on purpose to scare the animals away so they don’t have to die. You stop to look at butterflies and just last month you almost broke your wrist getting a little girl's cat out of a tree. Of course I don’t think that you’re evil, let alone a monster.”
“And you’re not mad that- that I….” He looks away. “You’re not mad I love you?”
“You’re an idiot.”
The next thing Merlin knows Arthur’s lips are pressed against his. Arthur is holding his face in his hands like he is something precious and Merlin feels his knees almost give out. Arthur smiles into the kiss and steadies him with a hand on his waist, and Merlin gasps at the contact. Arthur uses the opportunity to deepen the kiss, and Merlin makes an embarrassing high pitched sound. When Arthur finally pulls away Merlin’s hands are tightly fisted in the front of Arthurs shirt and his lips are red as he stares at Arthur.
“Oh. So you’re um- you’re really not mad.” Merlin smiles sheepishly and Arthur laughs.
“No, you idiot. I love you too.”