Work Text:
Severus Snape paused for a moment, a small bundle of dried herbs in each hand.
“Only fans of what, exactly?”
“Well, anything! Sir,” Neville Longbottom added, shuffling his feet on the spot.
Delinquent.
Snape frowned at the young man, and resumed tidying away his ingredients.
The Cokeworth Village Hall, where he held his weekly evening class (‘Sage Advice: The Exact Art of Herbal Remedies, with Herbalist Guild Member S. Snape’) smelled of rosemary, sage and lavender. Everyone was busily packing away their kits and cleaning their tables.
“And you think I should make one of these accounts... based on my Herbal Remedies?”
“Yes, sir! It was Hermione’s idea, actually. You know she’s big on education!”
“I didn’t think ‘education’ was what OnlyFans had a reputation for… Maybe I’m mistaken,” Snape muttered.
“It’s for videos about anything! You could maybe jazz it up a bit - it’s got to be fun, see! Not that class isn’t fun,” Longbottom added hastily, at Snape’s withering glare.
“I watch yoga videos on there,” Granger nodded, appearing beside him and clutching her bottle of lavender pillow spray. “And I’m a Fan of a lovely woman called Luna, who does fertility videos dressed as a faun!”
Snape gave her a look that betrayed exactly what he thought of women dressed as fauns giving fertility advice.
“Perhaps, instead of calling it Herbal Remedies, you could say ‘Potions’? Sounds kinda cool and mysterious. A bit seductive,” Longbottom grinned.
Snape sat up straighter in his chair.
“I beg your pardon?” he snapped.
“It’s not a dodgy site, sir. Well, not all of it, anyway… You’d get loads of Fan subscribers!”
Snape’s right eye twitched. He wished himself at home, in his quiet little cottage, far away from these dunderheads. Too bad it wasn’t possible to just think such thoughts, and then appear there, as if by magic.
“People pay to become a Fan, too,” Longbottom added, thoughtfully.
Snape looked up from his ingredient table.
“People pay?”
* * *
“It’s not for porn, how many times!” Snape protested, as his Godson stood on his doorstep, dubiously holding out a bag of camera equipment.
“I’m not coming in if its porn,” Draco repeated.
“Why would I ask my Godson for help making porn?” Snape snapped.
“Well, I don’t know,” Draco said, eyeing him suspiciously. “You just told me you wanted my expensive camera to start an OnlyFans, what was I supposed to think?”
“I am making a series of instructional videos on the basic skills of creating Natural Remedies at home,” Snape said, loftily.
“I’ll just hand you the bag, and be off…” Draco muttered, turning away.
“Oh no you won’t,” Snape said. “You’re the cameraman. And the editor. Get inside - and don’t whine. You’re just like your father when you whine.”
* * *
“But this is silly!” Draco whined. “Why can’t we see your face? Your nose isn’t that big!”
Snape scowled at him, then finished laying out his ingredients on the wooden table. They had a pretty amateur set-up, with the camera balancing on three cardboard boxes and a stuffed squirrel. The lighting was his bedside lamp, plugged in rather precariously atop an upturned bucket.
“I am maintaining a level of mystery. Nor shall people be commenting on my appearance, when they should be focussing on the instructions. We shall do the shot from above, and it will just be my hands. And voice.”
“It’s weird. People will scroll past.” Draco pulled out his phone. “You need a fun gimmick. Look, in the ‘How To’ section, there’s: ‘Pop Goes the Weasley’ - I think that’s cocktail-making… ‘Perk Up your Pussy with Minerva’ - she does makeovers on people’s cats... ‘Luna Lovegood’s Fertility Moon Garden’ -”
“Granger did mention something about ‘Potions’ when we were discussing it, earlier,” Snape grimaced.
“Ah, ok,” Draco said. “I can visualise it a bit better now - so you’re like, a hideous old Witch? Are you going to have a toad hopping across the table?”
Snape wrinkled his nose.
“Less of the ‘old’. And ‘hideous’. And surely I’d be a Wizard? Not that I’m going to be in it at all.”
“So, we’re in a Wizard’s, what, laboratory or something? Do they have those? What potion are you making?” Draco asked, frowning.
“A simple balm, with rose petals, herbs and oil. Has many uses. I thought it an easy one to begin with.”
Draco nodded. He looked down through the camera again.
“Ok, so… I can see the table, and your arms… You’re not wearing that tatty old thing, are you?”
“What’s wrong with my cardigan? Minerva gave it to me.”
“The green tartan looks awful on film. Go and find something plain.”
Snape stomped off - and quickly returned, scowling. He held up two jackets - a dark green woollen one, brown leather patches on the elbows; and another in leather, which looked older than he was.
“Is that all the choice you’ve got?” Draco looked alarmed.
“I’m a lowly Herbalist, not a fashion model!” Snape snapped.
“Let me look,” Draco sighed, and pushed past him into the bedroom.
Snape snorted as Draco rummaged through his wardrobe.
“Crap, crap, crap - God, what were you thinking? Aha! What is this?” Draco drew out a black frock coat.
Snape rolled his eyes.
“That? I bought it for the Herbalist Guild’s Gala Dinner, years ago. The theme was ‘Victoriana’.”
“It’s perfect for a Wizard!” Draco enthused. “Well, a kind of dark Wizard, anyway. Or perhaps one forever mourning the loss of his greatest love…” He went all misty-eyed for a moment. “Anyway, it just needs a white shirt underneath, and an iron. Can you iron? Sounds highly complicated - I always get mine sent out.”
“Yes, I’ve got a bloody iron,” Snape snorted. “The sleeves on that are too long, though,” he groused. “I never wore it again, it has about four times the number of buttons as a normal coat.”
“Well, you can’t wear the other ones, so it’ll have to do. Fire up the iron - or however you make the thing work.”
* * *
“We’re all set, then,” Draco nodded, but he looked sceptical. “Let me know when to press record.”
Snape cleared his throat.
“Go on, then,” he said, voice gruff. He adjusted his cuffs, but they were still too low. The bloody coat was a bit tight too, but the camera only saw the sleeves anyway.
Draco pressed the ‘Record’ button and then… stared at Snape, expectantly. Snape cleared his throat again. He put his hands into the shot, next to his mortar and pestle, pots of beeswax, coconut oil, shea butter, herbs, and dish of rose petals.
“Right. Hello. So, first sanitise your hands before preparing your ingredients -”
“That’s not how you’re going to start?”
Snape glared at him.
“What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s not very sexy, is it.”
“It’s NOT porn!” Snape thundered.
“So you say,” Draco snorted. “I thought you were going to try to make it a bit fantastical? Why don’t you pretend to be an actual Wizard who makes Potions? Maybe he teaches other Wizards how to make them? You could be a strict Wizard teacher? That’d be fun.”
“I thought I was a Dark Wizard in mourning for his lost love?” Snape complained, but Draco wasn’t listening.
“Let me get into character too, to help you! Oh, morning sir! I’m here for my Potions lesson! I brought my wand and everything - no, that’s too suggestive.”
Snape sighed the sigh of the long-suffering.
The doorbell chimed merrily. Snape scowled.
“It’s probably my friend, Albus. He usually brings herbs on Wednesdays, and wants a gossip. He’ll likely flirt with you, just so you know.”
“I don’t blame him,” Draco said.
Snape waited for the ironic smile. Or anything remotely self deprecating. But it didn’t come.
He pulled opened the door.
“Severus, my boy! Oh - I like the coat! New, is it? You need to wear a cravat with it, really.”
Snape tried to usher Albus into the kitchen, past the tiny workroom, where Draco was faffing with the table. Albus - of course - spotted the younger man immediately.
“Why, hello there!” he said, blue eyes twinkling.
Draco looked a bit disconcerted. Perhaps it was Albus’ outfit - today he was wearing baggy blue trousers with gold stars, a rainbow sequinned waistcoat, and a battered purple wizard’s hat with bats dangling from the brim, bobbing merrily.
Snape rolled his eyes and carried on towards his cramped kitchen, to make the tea.
“Hello,” he heard Draco say, a bit awkwardly.
“And what brings you here today, young man?” Albus practically purred.
“I’m setting up the table for this porn video old Snape is making - ”
“IT'S NOT PORN!” Snape shouted, banging the kettle on the gas stove in his irritation.
He made the tea in an angry haze, and carried the cup back to his spare room, seething.
“No biscuits today?” Albus said, forlornly.
“They don’t have biscuits on porn sets,” Snape sneered.
“Excuse me,” Draco interrupted, “but I bet they do. It must be a lot of, erm, hard physical work.”
“So, explain to me again exactly which part of this is sexy?” Albus asked inquisitively, picking up Snape’s pestle and mortar.
“None of it!” Snape spat, snatching them back. “I’m trying to make a harmless video tutorial on ‘Balm of Roses.’ That’s it.”
“He’s supposed to be doing a voiceover in character as a Wizard who makes and / or teaches Potions. That’s his gimmick. Or it would be, if he’d bloody record anything.”
“Oh, a Potions Master? Wouldn’t that be such a fascinating job? What a shame I didn’t know, I would’ve brought my Spell Book! I too have often thought how much I’d love to teach at a Magical Academy!”
“You could be the Headmaster!” Draco smirked, eyeing Albus’ hat. “You’re already half dressed for it.”
“Oh, this? Just an old thing I threw on this morning! You should see my outfits for the Herbalist Guild’s Gala Dinners -”
“Albus, I don’t have any gossip today,” Snape interrupted. “Thank you for the herbs, but I really must get on.”
“No gossip? My old friend learning to make porn is possibly the best gossip I’ve had in ages! People at the Guild will be thrilled!”
Snape pinched his own nose in frustration, closing his eyes.
“I can see half the Guild knowing about this by tomorrow - and it’s not even porn,” he said, in frustration.
Albus sat back in his chair with his teacup.
“They’ll all be impressed, my boy! Well, some of them, anyway. We could have a Screening! I'm a bit worried about the name of your potion, however. It doesn't sound very magical."
“Come on,” Draco scowled. “I’ve got my nail appointment in an hour, it’s now or never. Just call it 'potion' and we'll name it later, in the video title.”
Snape sighed again, and stepped up to the table, putting his hands back into the shot.
“Welcome to Potions Class. Today we will -”
“Where’s your cauldron?” Albus asked, suddenly.
“Cut!” Draco yelled. “You what?”
“You don’t need to yell,” Snape snapped. “I’m right here.”
“You need a cauldron to make potions,” Albus said, reasonably. “I could make bubbling noises from here, if you like?” And he blew into his tea.
“No, no, it’s fine,” Snape said, hastily.
“You need to introduce yourself at the start of class. How will you develop a bond - and rapport of mutual respect - with the students, otherwise?” Albus added, earnestly.
“I don’t want to develop mutual respect,” Snape snapped. “I want to make some cash on the internet. That’s it.”
“How about a wand? You need a wand, as a Wizard.”
“Not for Herbal Remedies - sorry, ‘Potions’,” Snape sneered. “It’s brewing, not chanting.”
“Why wouldn’t there be any spells involved? You know - ‘eye of newt and tongue of frog’ - and you wave your wand around - I could get you a wooden spoon from the kitchen for the moment -”
“Wave your wand, eh?” Draco sniggered.
“Enough. If you wish to stay, stop fooling about.”
Albus chuckled, but drank his tea.
“He’s right about the cauldron,” Draco said, sighing.
“Nobody will notice,” Snape snapped.
With the camera running again, he paused, uncertain. Albus made bubbling noises into his tea, and Draco flapped his hands at him in irritation.
“That coat really does suit you, Severus,” Albus said.
Snape swallowed hard.
“There will be no… foolish wand-waving, or silly incantations in this video...” he began.
* * *
“Alright. The video is done. It’s passable, I suppose. The audio isn’t great. What’s your username?”
“‘The Half Blood Prince’.”
Draco started typing.
“Wait. What does that even mean?”
Snape bristled, leaning over Draco’s shoulder and peering at the screen.
“I… Look, this was my nickname in school. Well, I gave it to myself, actually, I didn’t have any friends to think up a nickname for me -”
“Tragic. And you’re now a forty-five year old man. I’m calling you ‘The Potions Master’. It’s short and straightforward. We don’t use our school nicknames as adults.”
“Just because yours was ‘ferret face’,” Snape grumbled.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Your idea is fine, just get the bloody video on the internet.”
“We need a name for the balm. Just calling it ‘Balm’ isn’t very sexy.”
Snape sighed.
“For the last time,” he began.
“Yes, yes, we’ll put that on your headstone: ‘It’s Not Porn.’ How about ‘Love Balm’?”
“Absolutely not. That makes it sound… sordid, somehow,” Snape said, grimacing. He was starting to wonder whether this whole idea was foolish.
“Alright, well... I’ll give it a name that actually sounds like a potion." Draco typed something. "That’s it. Uploading.”
"What name did you use?"
"Don't you worry about that, Severus. It's all sorted."
* * *
“Holy shit, you’re viral on TikTok!”
Snape paused, waiting for the words and their meanings to register in his brain. They did not.
“You do realise that… several of the words you just said make no logical sense?”
“It’s the first clip of your video! People have picked it up as ‘the sexy Potions Master’! They love the character you’ve invented - the Potions Master with the brooding demeanour and snarky comments and the 'there will be no foolish wand-waving'!”
“But that’s just me!” Snape protested.
“You’re a rude old bugger, I know! But it’s a hit! We need to capitalise on this! You absolutely have to start every video like that now - it’s your catchphrase! Look at all your new Fans!"
"Let me see these comments, then."
Draco paused.
"Er... sure."
He scrolled around twitchily on his phone, then handed it to Snape - who peered at him in suspicion.
"Draco, I wasn't born yesterday. What are you hiding?"
Draco reached for the phone, but Snape held it out of reach, and scrolled to the top.
The title of his video was: 'The Potions Master brews Swelling Solution'.
"Sw - 'Swelling Solution'?" Snape cried, in horror. "What the hell is 'Swelling Solution'?"
"The name of a highly popular and viral potion, now!" Draco said, clearly trying to brazen it out. "I know the name is a bit... suggestive... but this is OnlyFans! And it's worked! Loads of people are making it!"
"Loads of people are making something that's supposed to be 'swelling'?" Snape hissed. "Are you mad? But it's not swelling!"
"Depends what you use it for..." Draco muttered. Before Snape could stop spluttering long enough to reply, he added: "We need to make more videos while you’re still viral! What other ideas have you got? Oh - and there’s been several comments asking to see your cauldron.”
Snape leapt to his feet.
“Do you mind?” he snapped, horrified.
“No, an actual cauldron. People did notice. We need to be better prepared!”
Snape stared down at his notepad in a daze.
“I was going to do a cough and cold remedy, next time…” he mumbled. “Or a foot scrub.”
“We can jazz those up, give them silly wizard names… what about ‘Draught of Living Death’ for the cold remedy? I mean, you feel like living death when you have a cold, right?"
"There is a tenuous link, I suppose."
"And... you can't just call the ingredients by their regular names. You have to make this a bit more magical. Fairy dust, asphodel root, wormwood, unicorn horn!"
"People won't know what on earth I'm talking about -"
"We'll put the actual ingredients in the Description, don't stress! You need to do some research - and some shopping! Other people have whole sets, with props! I’m going to Marks and Spencer - you're lucky: shopping is one of my talents! I’ll see you tomorrow for the next video.”
* * *
Snape was scrolling through his ‘Recommended Users’ list, trying desperately to spark some inspiration, and innocently sipping his bedtime herbal tea - when he came across something… spellbinding.
‘The Magic of Harry Potter’ channel featured a gorgeous male model who, presumably, did magic tricks.
The profile picture showed a young man, who looked to be in his mid twenties, lounging shirtless on a bed of golden feathers, and holding a magic wand. He had an almost unearthly beauty, with the loveliest green eyes, and a sinfully taut body. (Snape wished they had Speakers looking like him at the Herbalist Guild’s Social Evenings.)
He clicked on the icon. Whilst he had no interest in magic tricks, perhaps he might watch this young man do some… sleight of hand.
It was not the kind of sleight of hand that he had expected.
The ‘Introductory Video’ started to play. There was a tune; a delicate, bell-like sound, all sounding a bit magical. A gruff voice said: "Harry, yer a wizard!" Then the young man appeared suddenly, wearing a long black robe, a red and gold tie (and, it seemed, little else), and smiling.
“Hi! Welcome to ‘The Magic of Harry Potter’! I’m Harry, and I solemnly swear that I am up to no good! I invite you to join me as I explore the magical side of your sex life. Together we’ll review fantasy sex toys, try out lust spells and potions to enhance your lovemaking, and practice using our magic wands! Oh - and keep an eye out for my Golden Snitch - that thing ends up in the most unlikely of places!”
Snape frowned, confused. Maybe the young man was slightly mad. He was still fucking gorgeous, though. And he too seemed to have the 'Wizard' theme.
He clicked on the video titled: ‘Tour my Magical World’.
Harry Potter was stood there, dressed in what appeared to be a school uniform this time, and holding a stick, which Snape assumed was supposed to be a wand.
“Hi guys! Welcome to your exclusive Tour of my Wizarding World! This is my house, and I hope you love how I’ve decorated it. Every room is a different set for more magical OnlyFans content! So, I’ll start in the spare bedroom - sorry, the Quidditch Pitch! As you can see, the walls are blue, like the sky, and here’s where I keep my Broomstick for when I fancy a ride… Now we’ll go along the hallway - oh, here’s my Cupboard Under the Stairs, where I sometimes go for a nice wank… Through the kitchen - mind the Forbidden Forest!” and he pushed through a small selection of pot plants. “Here’s the Prefect’s Bathroom - I love this room, the bath is huge, as you can see; Myrtle and I had fun in there recently…”
Snape blinked in disbelief.
“Make-believe… Adults playing at dressing up,” he grumbled. "He's admirably creative with the 'Wizard' ideas, I suppose."
“Now we’ll go upstairs to the bedroom - sorry, the Chamber of Secrets!” Harry laughed, and the camera followed his pert little backside up the stairs. “In here we’ve got the bed, obviously, and a few fearsome dragons - and this is my Cupboard of Requirement!” He opened a cupboard, to reveal a selection of sex toys that made Snape blush a violent red. “Here’s the Vanishing Cabinet,” the young man added, opening another wardrobe door. “I call it that because my clothes all seem to vanish! But there’s a few in here, and you can see my Invisibility Cloak, too…” Hanging on the rail were a few flimsy garments made of either lace or some sort of plastic. There was no cloak visible, but Snape supposed that was rather the point. “And here’s my Mirror of Erised,” he finished, pointing to a large freestanding mirror beside the bed. “I’m sure you can imagine what that’s for!”
Snape couldn’t decide whether to be mortified, or delighted.
“I hope you enjoyed that quick tour of my Wizarding World!” Harry beamed - then was interrupted by the sound of a trail whistle. “Oh! That’s the Hogwarts Express! I’d better go! See you all soon!”
A small red toy train chuffed into shot, and streaked past the camera on its tiny tracks.
The video ended.
Snape scrolled down, impressed. The young man had clearly put a lot of thought into inventing various 'Wizarding' scenarios for himself. The other videos were all blanked out, with a ‘subscribe to see User’s posts’ button - but he could see the titles, and the descriptions.
The latest videos were as follows:
‘Ride my Broomstick with me!’
‘He found my Golden Snitch WHERE?’
‘’Moaning’ Myrtle watches me take a Bath - video collab!’
‘Review: NEW Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes Toys - Is 9 3/4 inches ENOUGH for me?’
‘Do you need the Potions Master's Swelling Solution? ALWAYS!’
‘Oops - who cast an Incendio Spell on my pants?’
‘He hid under an Invisibility Cloak to watch me… do WHAT?’
Wait.
WHAT?
Was this why he had been ‘recommended’ this channel? The video screen was, as ever, frustratingly blank. Why was this young man testing out Snape's plain little balm on his... porn channel?
Oh.
FUCK. He should never have let Draco give the balm such a foolish name! It had clearly just attracted this… utter and complete madness! Snape sat back in his chair, blinking; dumbfounded.
'Swelling Solution'...
He had to see this video.
He was going to die if he did not see this video.
He clicked on the ‘Subscribe’ button.
After some fumbling about with his debit card, he paid for a month’s subscription, in the hope that it covered the video he wanted to see…
It did.
He pressed ‘PLAY’ with his heart in his mouth.
Harry Potter was standing in his kitchen, next to the stove. He was wearing an apron, but his shoulders were bare. The red and gold tie hung around his neck, and he was holding a wooden spoon, and a scroll.
“Hi guys! Harry here, again! We’re in the castle kitchens, this time - next to the Forbidden Forest. If any dangerous and wild creatures come prowling out, let me know!” (The pot plants sat there, unmoving.) “So, I was recommended to watch the video of ‘The Potions Master’ because apparently THIS is the older guy who the TikTok videos about ‘foolish wand-waving’ come from… Plus, my friend Neville says his voice is sexy as fuck. So I thought, let’s do one better - let’s become a Fan, and follow his tutorial! Neville kept it a surprise for me, he's bought the ingredients, and written out the name of the potion on this scroll..."
“Older?” Snape frowned. “Little fucker! Is he taking the piss? He is going to regret this!”
Harry was unrolling the scroll.
"Swelling Solution?" he squeaked. "Oh my... How much is it going to swell? I can't wait!"
Snape stopped breathing. What was the young man going to be trying to swell?
"So, I'll just include a few clips here, as I don't have permission to use his full audio, but we can do a bit, so... Let's begin!"
Snape was about to turn the screen off, in his horror. Then he heard his own voice.
“There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this video…”
Harry grinned.
“Shame,” he said. “I rather like waving my wand around.” He winked at the camera.
“Today's Potion is a simple one. We shall begin by preparing the oil. It needs to be warm, but not too hot.”
Harry barked out a laugh, and Snape felt a stab of humiliation.
“Holy fuck, you’re not serious? Is this actual porn, or what? Is this guy for real?”
“Heat the coconut oil, shea butter and beeswax on a low flame, until fully melted, stirring gently,” Snape heard himself say.
(He took a sip of his cool tea, nervously. It would be alright. The balm did nothing to cause swelling of any kind. The boy would make it, see how ordinary it was, and the video would end.)
“Ooh, ok Potions Master. He’s got such a seductive voice! I wish he was standing behind me,” Harry added, then turned away to put his glass bowl of wax and butter over a pan of water, simmering away on his stove. (As he turned, he revealed his bare arse to the camera.)
Snape choked on his tea.
“Be careful when using boiling water and take appropriate safety precautions,” his voice said.
Harry nodded.
“Don’t worry, Potions Master, I’ve got an apron - all my important bits are covered!”
Snape’s eyes grew round as he stared at the young man’s peachy, glorious arse.
He watched Harry Potter dutifully follow the steps of his video; grinding up the petals, mixing, straining, then pouring out the unctuous balm into a set of coloured pots.
“That was surprisingly easy to follow, even for me, and I was crap at school,” Harry said. “God, that man’s voice is sexy.” Then he smirked at the camera. “So, erm... I think the 'Swelling Solution' may already be working... Can it do that?”
And he took his apron off. Snape forgot how to breathe as he watched the naked (and clearly, ahem, interested) young man pose for the camera.
"Right, so... I think we need to put this 'Swelling Solution' to a proper test, yes? Shall we go to the Broom Cupboard?"
He picked up a pot of balm and the camera, and carried them down his hallway. There was a small doorway under the stairs, with a sign which read 'Broom Cupboard - Private.'
“I like to go in this cupboard for when I need some, ah, thinking time,” Harry whispered, to the camera. He switched on a couple of fake plastic candles, put the camera on a shelf inside the cupboard, then crawled inside and closed the door. It was a small space; there were red and gold pillows on the floor, two broomsticks hanging on the wall, a stuffed cuddly owl on a perch, and a large pile of envelopes with red wax seals.
Harry scooted back to give the camera a good view of his naked body.
He couldn’t be about to… Surely he wasn’t going to use the balm to…
Snape’s hand covered his mouth. Surely not…
“Ok, so I have my 'Swelling Solution', but he doesn't give any instructions on how to apply it, or how much it's going to swell... But, I mean, we want the maximum possible, right?" Harry grinned.
He scooped up a generous dollop of ‘Swelling Solution’ - then gripped his stiffening cock in his sticky fist. Snape could see how pink and lovely it was - mouth-watering - especially as the boy began pumping it luxuriously. Snape watched Harry moan, head thrown back; balls tightening; cock filling.
"It's... definitely... swelling," Harry groaned. "Need... more..."
He scooped up another dollop with his fingers, and Snape watched it trickle down the hard cock and over his balls, into his crease... The taut young body began to writhe, and Snape realised his own open mouth was parched, and his own body was aching -
“Oh!” Harry said, suddenly. His green eyes gleamed. “I caught the Snitch! I wondered where that had gone…”
He got up on his knees and reached behind himself. There was a bit of fumbling - and then he was holding a little golden ball, glistening in his palm.
“That’s an unusual place to find a Snitch!” Harry grinned. “And don’t you all comment ‘don’t be silly, it always ends up in there’ - it doesn’t! Now, where was I? Holy fuck - it's definitely swelling - I think this is even more than normal! Much more! It's working!”
Snape watched in shock as the young man gripped his cock harder and began to pump vigorously. There was a lot of squelching, groaning brokenly, cursing -
"So... swollen..." Harry moaned, and then - ribbons of creamy spunk erupted from the tip of the young man’s straining cock. Harry let out a pained little 'ohhhh' sound, and the look of exquisite torture on his face was the most erotic sight Snape had ever seen.
“Shit. I just came everywhere," Harry laughed weakly, panting. His chest glistened with perspiration. “I’m dripping in it - hey, Potions Master? Need any new, illicit ingredients? Well, I think we definitely saw the 'Swelling Solution' working well today! I still feel all swollen - when do you think it'll go down? What if it doesn't? Oh God, I'll be stuck like this forever... I think that's all for today, guys! Maybe I need to brew a Deflating Draught! See you soon - leave me a comment if you liked the video! Bye!”
The video ended.
Snape sat back from the screen. His hand was still over his mouth. He removed it; then sat there, stunned. Should he be amused? Angry? Flattered? Was it flattering, a gorgeous young man thinking his balm was good, and that Snape himself sounded sexy? Snape scowled - the boy hadn’t even seen his face yet. He would surely be disappointed after that.
He couldn't believe that his innocent balm had turned into...
Then he remembered the Herbalist Guild! What in hell’s name would they think of this? Oh God, what if they all saw it? His good name would be ruined! All his classes, lectures and publications - reduced to this… foolish wank fodder! He’d never live it down! This might be the reason he never got his Fellowship!
Fucking fuck - what should he do? Should he be sending this Harry Potter a ‘Cease and Desist’ letter right about bloody now?
And, most importantly: what should he do about the enormous hard-on that was trying to burrow its way out of his nightshirt like an eager woodland creature?
* * *
Confused, aroused, irritated, he watched some of the other videos. There was an old ‘Potions Making’ one that was really only cocktails; Harry made a big deal about ‘Lust Potions’, but in reality he just got a little drunk and took his clothes off. Snape frowned.
“Not much of a lust potion. I could show you a proper lust potion, boy…” he grumbled.
He reached the video ‘Watch me Ride My Broomstick’ and was sliding his hand into his underwear before he realised what he was doing -
No!
How could he possibly stand to be associated with this filth? How dare Harry Potter co-opt his innocent video for such debauchery!
Consumed with anger, confusion, and desire, he picked up a pen - and wrote a strongly-worded letter on his special Herbalist Guild Member’s headed paper, demanding that the boy take down his licentious and defamatory video.
He did not, however, send it. (Nor did he cancel his 'Fan' subscription. Just in case.)
* * *
“Are we all here?” Snape asked.
His evening class at the Cokeworth Village Hall seemed rather… fuller than usual.
Maybe the Guild had done a recruitment drive.
There was a general murmuring of agreement.
“Right. Well, for today’s lesson, I thought we’d focus on natural cleaning products. We’re going to utilise the acidic properties of lemon -”
“Aren’t you going to do the line - the one about foolish wand-waving?” someone interrupted him.
“No,” he snapped. “That’s just… what I do in my spare time. This class is for those who are serious.”
“Did you see Harry's 'Swelling Solution' video? Gosh, he's hot! And... swollen! Are we making lube today, too?”
“As I said, today will be about cleaning products -” Snape ground out.
“Can we do some lube at the end, before we go?”
“No!” Snape barked, his face going scarlet.
* * *
‘Dear Mr Potter,
Your video and your foolish wand-waving antics have come to my attention, and I am seriously unimpressed. Your misbehaviour is affecting my business. You will stop.’
Snape signed his name with a flourish - before realising he had nowhere to send the letter.
Fortunately, Harry Potter had a ‘Contact Me’ section on his profile page, and Snape was able to type up his angry letter, and send it electronically. It didn’t have the gravitas of the special Herbalist Guild’s headed paper, but it’d have to do.
* * *
He also left a comment on the video:
‘You seem to be very sure of your ability in my class, Mr Potter. Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood? You don’t know? Clearly, fame - and a lot of Fan subscribers - aren’t everything. Desist immediately. The Potions Master.’
* * *
“What are you doing?”
“Filming some of these ingredients,” Draco said. “You need a mysterious introductory clip - did you do your research? Have you got props that look more… Wizard-themed? I bought you a cauldron, I expect a refund. Here’s the receipt.”
“There’s the pestle and mortar, I suppose. I haven’t got anything else.”
“What have you been doing then, wasting time? We need to light a fire under your cauldron. Go and get some matches! And get more props while you’re at it! Some antique-looking glass jars that we can fill with plastic eyes or jelly worms! Spell books! Creepy bottles - use your imagination!”
Snape found himself walking around ‘Home Bargains’ in a foul mood. He bought jelly sweets in the shape of snakes, then stood in front of the ‘Bathroom’ section, scowling at the glass bottles. This was all ridiculous. Nobody would take him seriously if he was standing in a film set. He was a scientist, for god’s sake, not an actor - and certainly not a bloody Wizard!
* * *
The Potions Master’s next video started with a clip of Snape’s thin-fingered hands stirring his cauldron. Flames flickered, the mixture bubbled, fumes rose, and glassware winked in the candlelight. Smoke drifted across the screen (which was really Draco taking a deep puff on a cigarette and breathing out next to the camera, then getting a coughing fit). There were no shots of any other props; Snape had put his foot down. This was his house, after all. He could hardly lose an entire room to this foolishness.
The cough remedy (or ‘Draught of Living Death’) was a little more complex than the, er, 'Swelling Solution', involving herbs, honey and ginger. The magical names of the ingredients, however, were as follows:
Infusion of Wormwood (thyme and rosemary).
Powdered Root of Asphodel (ginger).
Sloth Brain (lemon).
Sopophorous bean's juice (honey).
Goblin's dandruff (brown sugar).
Snape watched the raw video footage back in silence, and he couldn’t help wondering what… Harry Potter was going to make of it… No - he needed to put that young man out of his mind. He had told him to stop. Potter would’ve read the email, and behaved himself, and dutifully stopped.
That was an end to it all.
His cauldron bubbled too loudly, and that was a problem. The audio quality wasn’t good. Perhaps he ought to invest in a microphone, if this really was going to be a proper hobby.
“You’ll have to do a voiceover on this one, so we can get it up - the video, I mean,” Draco snapped. “Talk into the camera and I’ll find a way to add it over the top. Oh - Albus sent us his Spell Book to help with magical names of things, but I’m a bit unsure about some of them…”
“Show me,” Snape murmured. He had put his black frock coat back on today, partly because it was cold. But also partly… because it made him feel… He wasn’t quite sure.
He pressed record; watching the video playback, flicking through the book to calm his nerves…
“There will be no foolish wand-waving, or silly incantations in this video… “ he began, softly. He said some other things, but then he found himself imagining… standing at the front of a dungeon classroom; empty except for Harry Potter, in his red and gold tie. The younger man was sitting in the front row, with a hungry look on his handsome face…
“Some of you think yourselves in possession of, ah, assets so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention! Yes, Potter, I mean you. Let us begin. Instructions are also on the board - or, rather, in the Description box under this video.”
He talked about preparation of the lemons, and adding honey, and straining it all… And he realised he was imagining Potter’s hands gripping his lovely pink cock again. So swollen...
“Did you see my comment on your video, Potter?” he hissed. “The 'Draught of Living Death' is a very powerful potion, made by adding powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood. You are lucky that I am here to educate you. Just because you make sexy videos, you are not special or important, Potter…”
Beside him, Draco cleared his throat, uncomfortably.
“I hope you are practicing your spell-casting, Potter. Let’s look through some spells now… I have here a Spell Book… So: ‘Petrificus Totalus’, the spell that makes one go... all stiff.”
“Oh, does it, indeed,” Draco leered.
“Shut it, Draco, you pervert!”
“I’ll leave that in, during editing, if you’re not careful.”
“There’s also the ‘Aguamenti’ spell, Potter, do you know that one? It apparently… gets you wet? Or the ‘Accio' spell, which… makes things come -”
“Erm, Severus? I know you're getting into character, but are you feeling ok?” Draco poked him in the shoulder.
Snape snapped the Spell Book shut, shaking himself out of his reverie.
“Oh, sorry Draco. I think I’ll have to work a bit more on the words of the voiceover, on my own…”
“Yes, that might be best…” Draco said, wincing. “It’s just not much fun, hearing your godfather trying to seduce some bloke on the internet with a table of manky old herbs…”
“They’re not manky, you cretin, they’re dried.”
“I’ll cut that bit out too. He won’t like being called a cretin. Or maybe he might, people have all sorts of fetishes. Alright, stop for today.”
* * *
Snape made himself a cup of herbal tea with whisky in it, to steady his nerves. ‘The Draught of Living Death’ Video had been up for four days now. The views had been plentiful, and the feedback positive. He had a few more 'Fans'. Things were improving.
Until...
Today, there was a new video on ‘The Magic of Harry Potter.’ And it was called: ‘The Potions Master Charms My Wand.’
Snape put down his tea - and swigged a mouthful of whisky straight from the bottle, instead. He drew his curtains. He debated throwing his computer out of the window. He paced back and forth in his bedroom. He switched all the lights off. Then he switched them all back on again, dressed up as the Potions Master - with black coat, white shirt, and a black cravat (and his pyjama trousers)… and sat down.
He pressed ‘Play’.
The music, and "Harry, yer a wizard," started up. The camera was clearly being held by Harry, and was panning around the room, showing the setting.
“Hi again, guys,” came Harry’s perky voice. “Harry here, in the bedroom, with my Basilisk! That's not a Cluedo suggestion, haha! I solemnly swear I am up to no good - and today I definitely mean it! If you remember my last video with the Potions Master, he has the sexiest voice and the best lube recipes - and there’s a new one up today! It’s called… ‘Brew The Draught of Living Death’! What a fun name for a lube!”
“I - wh - that’s not LUBE!” Snape spluttered. “They’re not ALL lube! It's for coughs and colds! Little fucker! What if the Herbalist Guild sees this? He doesn’t stop to think about my reputation!”
“This recipe was more complicated, but luckily my friend Nev has been on a handy course, so I have here the Ginger Honey Lemon lube that he whipped up for me, following this video! Neville said he kept it light on the ginger, in case anyone’s concerned for my delicate bits.”
“Ginger lu - call my lawyer!” Snape shouted, but he lived alone, so nobody did.
He wanted to switch off, right then and there. He wanted to set fire to the machine, and hurl it out of the window, and delete his OnlyFans account immediately -
He didn’t. He sat down to watch.
“I’m still benefitting from the ‘Swelling Solution’ - I’ll show you in a minute!” the young man grinned. “Putting the video on, it’s… sixteen minutes long, great! This is gonna be the best sixteen minutes of my week! Plus I think I got a comment from him on my last video - which means he might have become a Fan! If it's not a hoax. I'm hoping he has!"
Snape cursed himself for being so obvious. Bugger it all!
There was a brief moment of fumbling; Harry fiddling with the camera to set it down and zoom it in on his bed, where he had a laptop open, and a pile of pillows. He dimmed the room lights so that the light from the screen, and fairy lights over the bed, illuminated the room softly. His skin had a gorgeous, ethereal glow as he scrambled into shot. He was wearing a pair of tiny green shorts, and had the large cuddly green snake draped about his shoulders.
Snape found himself edging closer to the screen…
“Oh! So I was gonna show you my 'wand', haha. I got distracted, whoops!”
Snape’s jaw dropped as Harry tossed the snake onto the bed, shimmied out of his underwear and tossed it away. (It landed on the head of a life-size cuddly Snowy owl, one beady eye peeking out through a hole.)
“So, yeah, this is what we’re starting with! As you can see, I'm still delightfully swollen from his last video!” Harry laughed, blushing, turning left and right to show off his bobbing erection to the camera.
Snape’s own underwear suddenly felt very restrictive. He pressed his palm to his crotch, grimacing. God in Heaven…
Harry scrambled back onto the bed, giving an apparently deliberate view of his bare arse, and Snape had to grip his crotch even tighter. There was a tattoo at the base of the young man’s gorgeous spine, but even though Snape leant froward, squinting, he could not make it out. He had to work to swallow; his mouth was becoming very dry again. (Perhaps, more whisky…)
“Ok, Potions Master, give it to me,” Harry smiled, leaning back against the cushions. “Let’s press play… Thank God I’ve got permission to use his full audio for this long video, you can all enjoy it along with me…”
‘Permission?’ Snape thought, stunned. ‘I never gave him -’
The video started.
“There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this video…”
Snape winced at the sound of his own voice, the anger and humiliation rising again - but then he noticed the enraptured look on Harry’s face.
He had to find something to do with his hands - he picked up his teacup again, and sipped it weakly.
“You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion making.”
“I’m not, mate,” Harry giggled. “I’m here for a bloody good orgasm, if you don’t mind!”
Snape spat his tea out all over his lap.
“I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses…”
Snape swore, reaching for something to dry himself with.
“I feel like I’m on a date, Hedwig,” Harry grinned conspiratorially, to the cuddly Snowy Owl that sat next to him, gazing off into the distance with its wild eyes and his boxers on its head. (The owl, wisely, gave no response.)
“Some of you think yourselves in possession of, ah, assets so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention! Yes, Potter, I mean you!” Snape heard himself say, and he froze, a towel draped over his knees.
“‘Potter?’ I - that was the original audio, not the newer one!” he gasped, mortified. “Draco! What the buggering hell?”
Harry’s cock twitched against his taut stomach. He burst out laughing, and Snape had a moment of shame - but Harry’s laugh was not mocking, it was good-natured and warm, and it made the corners of Snape’s lips curl upwards for an instant too.
“Holy shit, did you guys see what he did to me, just then? And he’s a flirt! He noticed me! Hedwig, isn’t it great? I mean, he knows what he’s doing - the pestle and mortar is an obvious sex metaphor, right? It’s not just me thinking that?”
Snape’s eyes almost popped out of his head.
“IS it?” he hissed, glancing in disbelief at the offending items.
He watched his own hands prepare the ingredients with a shot of his bubbling cauldron, boiling the ginger in lemon and herbs and sugar, and Harry watched too, rapt.
“I know I’m supposed to be wanking,” Harry laughed. “I’m just concentrating, so he doesn’t say I’m inattentive or something again.”
“Take the honey - sorry, Sopophorous bean's juice, which I hope you stirred with a silver dagger as per the Description box - and add a… good, firm squeeze,” Snape heard himself say, and he winced. He remembered saying that. And worse… he remembered thinking about Harry Potter whilst he said it. Still, this audio was still better than his first attempt. Maybe Draco had accidentally added in that small clip…
“That's honey?” Harry repeated, somewhat dazed. “Wait, I’ve got some!”
He bounded off the bed, and returned with a half-empty bottle. Then he glanced at the camera.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” he grinned. "Brew the potion on my cock? Is nobody else thinking that?"
Then he opened the bottle and squeezed a generous amount onto the head of his bobbing erection.
Snape’s eyes grew very round.
“Improper use of ingredients!” he gasped out.
Harry gripped his cock in his fist.
“What were the instructions? A good, firm squeeze? Ohhh, sure…”
“Now, strain the Sloth Brain and Wormwood infusion through a muslin, collecting the juice.”
“Juice. Yeah,” Harry groaned.
“Squeeze it hard to get all the fluid out.”
“Oh, fuck it!” Harry laughed. “I’m seriously horny now! I’m going to have to ride my broomstick - oh no, that’s out of batteries!”
There was a pause. Then Snape heard himself speaking, his voice low:
“Did you see my comment on your video, Potter? The 'Draught of Living Death' is a very powerful potion, made by adding powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood. You are lucky that I am here to educate you. Just because you make sexy videos, you are not special or important, Potter…”
Harry froze, wide-eyed.
“I did see it!” he breathed. “Was it really you? Oh fuck! You're a Fan of mine?”
Snape froze too.
“I re-recorded that!” he groaned. “Draco! I cut all that bit out about the Spells -”
“I hope you are practicing your spell-casting, Potter,” he heard his voice say. “Let’s look through some spells now… I have here a Spell Book… So: ‘Petrificus Totalus’, the spell that makes one go all... stiff.”
Snape covered his face with his hands (then peeked out between his fingers).
“Holy shit - I need to come right now! Oh, Potions Master! Let's try the lube, quick!” Harry unscrewed the lid of the cough syrup jar with trembling fingers, and scooped out some, and gripped himself again, groaning unashamedly. “Ohh, it’s warming! It must be the little bit of ginger! It gets warmer - and there’s this pleasant tingling…”
“There’s also the ‘Aguamenti’ spell, Potter, do you know that one, it apparently… gets you wet?” Snape's voice said.
“Draco, you’re dead,” Snape groaned.
“Wet? Wet! Oh, let’s get it wet, then - shit, the things he says!”
Snape watched in horror as Harry Potter pushed a slick finger up his bum, and moaned.
“Or the ‘Accio' spell, which… makes things come -” Snape’s voice said, and his shame was utterly complete.
“Oh! I do desperately need to!” Harry groaned, and pulled both his knees up to his chest, exposing his pink little shaved asshole to the gaze of the camera, and Snape almost had a fit of both delight and shock. Blinking, almost choking, he swore viciously - before both hands dived into his pyjama bottoms and grasped a hold of his own cock, pulling it out harshly; gripping it with a grimace of pleasure and torment. Why didn't he have any lemon honey ginger lube? Where was the bloody stuff?
“Combine all the liquids in the cauldron, and reduce to a syrup by adding Goblin's dandruff, stirring seven times anti-clockwise. The potion should now be hot... and slick.”
Harry crawled over onto his knees, moaning; he turned his arse towards the camera, thighs parted, his rigid cock and heavy balls dangling between his legs. He turned and smeared more of Snape’s cough syrup along his crack; the syrup dribbled down, dripping messily onto the bed sheets below.
“Gosh, that lube smells so good,” Harry gasped out. “And oh, look - caught the Snitch again!” He produced it from underneath the stupid stuffed owl, this time. “What perfect timing!” Harry added.
Snape’s eyes grew huge as Harry reached back, shoving two fingers eagerly into his slick hole. There was a ‘squelch’.
“Now, let the potion simmer; only stir every two minutes, adding a clockwise stir after every seventh counterclockwise stir. Other than that, leave it alone - don’t play with it,” he heard his voice say.
“Sorry, sir, can’t… help… it!” Harry chuckled.
He rubbed vigorously against something inside himself - and then popped the small Snitch ball in, his greedy hole swallowing it. Harry wiggled happily, grabbed his cock again - then let out a desperate wail. Pearly-white ejaculate shot out of his dick, spurting all over the bed sheets as his body spasmed. Harry knelt there, legs spread, head lowered, holding himself up and panting as his body pulsed out onto his bedspread. Snape watched his beautifully sculpted chest rise and fall, and his knees tremble.
“Holy fuck,” Harry gasped, shaking his head as though in disbelief. Then he laughed again - and turned, sweaty and flushed and smiling. He was beautiful; sitting unashamedly on the edge of his bed, next to a glossy puddle of his own spunk.
“Did you enjoy that, Hedwig? Oh she’s fallen over! Passed out from all the hotness, eh? Poor old girl… Blast, I got spunk on my Basilisk, he’ll need a wash… But at least we caught the Snitch! So, that was my watch of the latest Potions Master video! He said no ‘foolish wand-waving’ but I feel like he’s definitely charmed my wand. And he's my Fan! I recommend the lube, obviously! I so wish I knew what he looked like in real life. Let me know in the comments if you enjoyed that! Goodnight everyone!”
The video cut out.
Snape sat in his chair, shocked to the core, half dressed as the Potions Master, one hand still grasping his purple cock.
“I’ll sue him! And his bloody owl, too!” he howled.
Then he remembered the… other traitor.
“DRACO!”
* * *
“So that concludes the Cokeworth Herbalist Guild Quarterly Meeting… Any other business?”
“Yes. Snape, is it true you’re making porn now?”
Snape felt his face burst into flame.
“No!”
“Oh, blast,” grumbled Horace Slughorn. “I became a Fan of you and everything!”
“I hope we don’t need to remind you about improper conduct of Guild members, Severus. Bringing the profession into disrepute is something that would certainly endanger your Membership,” Umbridge said, looking very stern.
“Of course,” Snape ground out.
“I’m sure Severus’ videos are purely for educational purposes,” Albus chimed in.
“You were the one who said they were porn!” Umbridge snapped.
“Alas, I never! I think, if there’s nothing else, ladies and gentlemen, we should adjourn?”
Outside the meeting hall, Severus was accosted by Horace, Sybill, Albus - and Remus, all looking earnest and interested.
“I like your new coat, Severus.”
“It’s not new.”
“I’m sure I’ve seen it before - was it at a Gala Dinner? It suits you.”
“So? Have you met him?”
“Who?”
“Harry Potter! ‘Wizarding Wanks’, or something, I forget the name -”
“Wizarding World, and no,” Snape scowled. “I’m sure fraternising with him would bring my membership into jeopardy! And it’s NOT porn! Well, his is - but mine isn’t! Good night!”
* * *
Back at his house, he threw some glass bottles, then sat down at his computer to type.
‘If you do not remove those videos, I will give you…’ He paused. The urge to write ‘Detention’ was too strong. He finished the letter with: ‘one week until I contract a lawyer.’
Then he left a comment under the video.
‘Potter. This foolish wand-waving is utterly unsatisfactory. You will receive Detention if you continue. Desist immediately. The Potions Master.’
* * *
Snape looked down his schedule of upcoming videos. ‘Brew natural cleaning products with me’ and ‘Foot scrub’ didn’t seem as inspiring as once they had… Perhaps… He remembered Harry Potter taking 'Lust' Potions, getting all horny and silly and tipsy, his green eyes shining… What if he tried to make something, with mild aphrodisiac qualities… Snape could not help imagining Harry’s eyes lighting up with glee, upon seeing the title of the video…
No. He had told the boy to stop. (Then he’d accidentally antagonised him with horny spells, true - that was clearly a mistake. He still needed to shout at Draco about it. But he could always claim his original voiceover was the work of a feverish mind; one clearly addled by potions fumes. He’d told Potter to stop twice, hopefully that was what the idiot took notice of.) Antagonising Potter further would be… foolishness. Foolish wand-waving indeed.
He would stop.
He had stopped.
No more Potter.
“What’s today, then?” Draco said, as he let himself in - then shrieked, as Snape threw a jar of jelly snakes at him.
“Oh no - get out!” Snape snarled, hurling another. “If I were really a Wizard, I’d curse you so much that your traitorous face would fall off!”
Draco dodged the jar, flapping his hands.
“Stop it, you mad old bat!”
“I can’t believe you!” Snape spat.
But Draco just let out an amused snort.
“You’ve watched the video, then. I knew you’d be like that. Don’t worry, it’s all worked out fine.”
“It’s not fine - you’re a traitor! He thinks I’m flirting with him now! And he said he had permission to use my audio! I didn’t give him permission!”
Draco looked a bit shifty.
“What have you done NOW?” Snape demanded. He hurled another jar - Draco ducked for cover and hid behind the sofa.
“He’s so fucking cute!” Draco wailed, in hiding. “He posted some new images on his Instagram, here - just look at that stuffed snake he’s got, isn’t it charming!”
His hand appeared, over the top of the sofa, holding up a stunning image of Harry Potter, naked, surrounded by floating candles and wearing the cuddly snake like a feather boa.
Snape snatched the phone from him and stared at the image, committing it to memory - wait, no - glaring at it with righteous anger, yes -
“You think that’s a reasonable excuse?” Snape thundered, incensed (and wondering whether the photos came with his existing membership.) “What did you say he could do?”
“Just use a few audio clips! I was trying to help you by putting that voiceover back in - you know he’s Messaged you, right, since then? I wasn’t sure how to mention it…”
“What?” Snape shrieked.
Draco came out from behind the sofa, scowling.
“He wants… Oh, bloody hell, this is why I didn’t say anything! You can read the email yourself, once I’ve gone home!”
“I want it now.”
Draco snorted.
“That’s basically what the email says, too. Alright - hold onto your cauldrons, I’ll go and print it out…”
‘Hi, Potions Master, I wanted to reach out and thank you for advice on Spells that I should learn, from your last video! I have such an ‘appreciation’ for your work, and your aesthetic. The dark, brooding Potions Master… It’s so hot. Will we ever see more of you in your videos? I’d love to watch as you grasp your wand… And if you were open to a collaboration, of course I would love to do some foolish wand-waving with you personally…
Yours, Harry Potter.’
“He is clearly a dunderhead! I’m not engaging with him any further - his content is a misuse of my brand. I expect him to stop. I’m not interested. Certainly won’t be making anything else that he can use. You shouldn’t have interfered, Draco. We need to move on,” Snape snapped.
“Alright,” Draco said, unconvinced. “What are we making today then?”
“Erm…” Snape tried to clear his throat. “I think, a pink herbal tonic. I'm calling it... Love Potion.”
“Ok, then - what?”
“You heard. I’ll just… get some things…” Snape mumbled, shuffling away to his store room, without risking a glance at Draco’s (surely) incredulous expression.
When he came back, arms laden with ingredients, Draco was setting up the camera, and eying him suspiciously.
“You have no idea how conflicted I am about all this. God, he’s so fit and cute - and his arse is so peachy - but then there’s your bloody voice ruining it all… I had to watch it on mute!”
“Very sorry,” Snape grumbled. “If you must know, I’ve contacted him and told him to stop abusing my videos in that manner.”
“You didn’t! Oh you rotten sod! I thought you liked him! Why are we making Love Potion, then, if you don’t like him?"
“It isn't for Potter! I despise him. Let us never speak of him and his ridiculous Wizarding World again. Now - I need to set up a Dungeon.”
“Excuse me?” Draco choked. “A Dungeon? For what?”
“A set? For the potions! I need a decent backdrop, like…” Snape trailed off, before he could say ‘like Potter has’. “I was thinking of setting up a table in the basement.” Then he looked over the items on his workbench… "Draco… do you still have your black graduation robes, the voluminous ones?”
“Yes. You know father bought them. Fuck knows why, I’ll never wear them again - unless I get very drunk and need to pretend to be a lawyer, I suppose.”
“Could I… perhaps... borrow them?”
Draco stared at him.
“You’re going to be… IN the video?”
* * *
“Now you’re sort-of acting - and I use the term in the loosest possible sense - I thought about filming you striding through some school corridors for your introductory clip, with your robes sort of… billowing.”
“I don’t think we’d be allowed into a school to do that,” Snape said, darkly.
“Not an actual school, no, but they're not the right aesthetic anyway! We need somewhere gothic and magical - I had a Google and there’s this lovely place called Lacock Abbey, not too far from my family's Manor - it’s got a long corridor which would work marvellously.”
“I just have to walk?”
“Yes. And make the cape look good.”
“I’ll think about it.”
* * *
“What’s he supposed to be, laddie?”
Draco looked up from the camera at the old woman. She had a heavy Scottish accent. In the background, Snape was practicing with the cape, leaning on a column and swearing loudly at it.
“He’s a porn star,” Draco said.
The old woman nodded, sagely.
“Mmm, I thought so, aye. But why does he keep falling over his cape like that?”
“I don’t know, he can’t walk in it properly, for some reason.”
“Let me go over and teach him a couple of tricks, dearie, I used to teach secondary school children.”
* * *
“It’s just… not sexy. Maybe if you untie your hair,” Draco frowned, his arms folded.
“Why? It’s unsanitary,” Snape protested, standing over his work table in full black robes.
“Just do it, you git - this is porn, not a science laboratory.”
“It’s not porn, I’m fully dressed! I’m overdressed! This entire outfit is completely impractical for brewing or preparing anything!”
“Yes, yes, very cumbersome. Can you make the robe swish a bit?”
Snape swirled it around, scowling.
“Better, yes. Alright… I think we’re ready,” Draco said.
He stood back, taking in the new Dungeon set, which they had lit with ominous light (by sticking green sweet wrappers over some torches). The stone wall, the table laden with ingredients, the candles burning, the cauldron bubbling on a metal stand over a bunsen burner… The bottles of ‘ingredients’ neatly lined up on shelving at the back. The racks of phials and bottles, the bundles of dried herbs hanging from the ceiling - and the Potions Master, scowling and picking his nose.
“Don’t do that. You’re supposed to be intimidatingly sexy.”
Snape dropped his hand.
“I’ve never been on film before,” he said, looking unnerved for a moment. “Apart from the time Albus made us all do that Regency role play at the Herbalist Guild’s Summer Picnic.”
“See, you’ve got loads of experience,” Draco said, drily. “And what a fascinating life you do lead.”
Snape gave him the finger.
“Welcome to class, children!” Draco snorted. “Come on then, start talking, ‘Potions Master’.”
Stood behind the table, Snape nodded. He straightened his cuffs once more.
“Hello,” he said stiffly, blinking a lot. “I’m Snape. And these… are my herbs.”
“Oh, God! I thought you said you’d done role play?"
“Once!” Snape snapped back. “At a picnic! And I was drunk!”
“You were more in character when it was just the voice! Alright - I’m going to make you a coffee with a double shot of whisky in it. You have a jolly good think about what an actual Potions Master would bloody say to a class full of snotty students. I’ll be back in a minute.”
Snape raked his fingers through his black hair, grimacing. Perhaps he should have washed it. He pursed his lips, staring at the table and trying to calm himself down…
* * *
“Ok. You’ve had coffee and, erm, a few shots of whisky… Are you feeling better?”
“Yes. But I still don’t know what to say.”
“Well, you’ve got your catchphrase, and all that waffle, you can start there. And you’re not just ‘Snape’ - you’re ‘Professor Snape’, it sounds more authoritative. And so… imagine you’ve got young Mr Potter sitting in the front row, busting his nuts in his desperation to, um, learn from you…”
Snape took a deep breath. He thought of Harry Potter. He looked down at his new flowing black robes, the fabric swirling about his ankles. Then he looked up into the camera, his black eyes flashing.
“I am Professor Snape. There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this video. You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death - if you have the intelligence to press the Subscribe button.” He paused. “Ah, Mr Potter, our new celebrity… Oh, fucking hell. Cut that bit out, Draco.”
* * *
Less than two days after the video went live, he received a message. Or, rather, Draco intercepted it.
“You’ve been invited to… holy shit!”
Snape blinked.
“I’ve been invited where?”
“He’s doing a livestream of your - oh, you old pervert! I’m so jealous!”
“Could you please finish a sentence?”
“No way - read it yourself! I’m too traumatised to work today now, I’m going to the hairdresser for some much needed self-care!”
“You went last week!”
“Some of us get our hair cut more than once a decade, Severus!”
“You’ll have people thinking you’re not a natural blond if you carry on like that.”
“You’ll have people thinking you’re a sexual deviant if you keep propositioning young men on the internet like this!”
Snape threw a wet rag at him. Draco screamed and dodged it.
“It’s your fault! I didn’t proposition him! I told him to stop! I just made an innocent little Love Potion, it’s entirely unconnected with him in any way!”
“You’re deluded, you great bat! And I’d order you to wash your hair, except that… lots of people find it sexy. We need to talk.”
“About what?”
“Your new Sex God status.”
Snape choked.
“Sorry?”
“It’s becoming a big deal - look at all these new Fan subscribers you've got! Have you given any thought at all to - and I’m vomiting in my mouth a bit as I say this, but - actual sexy content? Not just relying on Potter to get his magic wand out?”
“Re - relying?”
“People are getting really into your dark and mysterious character. You’ve got lots of messages: ‘Dear Potions Master, do you wear voluminous robes because your erection is that big?’ ‘When will we see your magic wand?’ See - your fans are clearly intellectuals.”
Snape snatched the paper to read for himself, one hand over his mouth.
“People want to see more of this magical school you teach at, but I don’t know what we can do about that. You’re really popular. People see you as this… tragic, loveable antihero. Emotionally constipated, but deeply passionate for the right man - or woman. Cultured, working class, educated, rakish, violent, dangerous, tender, unpleasant, full of longing, sarcastic, caring, mean, brimming with complexity, deeply human and deeply flawed, self-sacrificing, romantic -”
Snape blinked.
“No one man can be all those things at one time.”
“The Potions Master can! And it’d really help matters if he had a stonking great cock too so, er - do you?”
“Of course,” Snape said.
Draco frowned.
“Severus. I know you’ve been a bachelor for decades. Don’t lie to me. This is important.”
“It’s not important because I haven’t decided whether I’m going to whip it out yet! You’ve made your point! There’s no porn in the porn! Now what’s that idiot Potter blathering on about?”
Snape picked up the paper he really wanted, and read the email.
“Absolutely not. Livestream? How do we stop it going ahead?”
“Magic spells? You can’t.”
“This is unconscionable! I’ve told him - and he still won’t behave himself!”
“So you and your massive cock won’t be watching the livestream later, then?” Draco smirked.
“Oh, go get your hair bleached,” Snape snarled.
“I’m a natural blond, how many times - look at my eyebrows!”
* * *
Snape spent the entire day rigidly determined that he was not going to watch the Livestream.
He booked himself a cinema ticket for the exact time the Livestream started, to give himself something else to do. Then he remembered that he hated going to the cinema. He then decided that he definitely wouldn't watch it unless he'd finished all the lesson planning he’d been putting off for the last three weeks. But, when he sat down, he wrote four lesson plans in an hour. Disgusted, he decided that he’d only be free once he’d thoroughly tidied his workstation - but he discovered that Draco had already done it. In a fit of desperation, with a quarter of an hour to go, he called Albus. Those calls normally lasted hours, until he was despairing and trying to get the old man off the phone. Fingers crossed that happened this time too.
“Hello?”
“It’s me.”
“Who’s me? Oh, wait, don’t tell me, I love games! Are you my mysterious and erotic admirer?”
“What? No! It’s Severus,” Snape snapped. “You don’t have an erotic admirer!”
“Alas not, but one can dream! How are you, my boy? Have you got something to tell me?”
“Have I? No? Why?”
“I bumped into Draco in Marks & Spencer the other day,” Albus said. “You know I can access the computer at the Library?”
Snape let out a groan.
“And what did the ferret-faced twit say, if I even dare to ask?”
“That things are hotting up with your lovely green-eyed suitor? You slip little messages to him into all your videos?”
“I - no! I…” Snape floundered.
“I must say how relieved I am that you’ve finally accepted yourself, Severus. You’re a child of the 60’s - we were becoming more sexually liberated by then! At least, I was!”
“Albus, it's not porn!”
“The Library said it was! I saw lovely Harry, too, before I got thrown out - and they confiscated my card! But I’m so happy for you!”
“Oh, God -”
“I think there’s so much potential in his ‘Wizarding World’ idea. I’m very envious! Imagine it, Severus - what if we could put together an entire plethora of magical lessons! I know some very interesting people who would jump at the extra income. We’d have enough for an entire school!”
“What, horny broomstick lessons? Albus, don’t get carried away, you’re not making an OnlyFans -”
“And what are you ringing me for, now? You’ve got that gorgeous young starlet going live in a minute! He's very heroic, isn't he - perhaps there's potential there for some battles with Dark Wizards at the school -"
“Albus, stop,” Snape sighed. “He is gorgeous, I'll admit it. And also insane. But… I find myself, despite how very aggravating he is, unable to stop antagonising and teasing him.”
“But this is touching, Severus,” said Albus seriously. “Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?”
“For him?” shouted Snape. Then he sighed. “Possibly. He’s got this... incredible arse. I don’t know. If I don’t get off the phone now I’m going to miss his horny livestream.”
“Then hop to it, my friend! If the library opened later - and I hadn’t been banned, I suppose - I’d watch too! For moral support, of course!”
Snape put down the phone and put his head on his hands.
* * *
Despite all his best efforts, at 8pm, there he was. In his distraction, he’d dressed up as The Potions Master again, for something to do (the buttons alone took five minutes). He was even wearing the robe. It gave him... comfort.
‘LIVESTREAM: My First Love Potion!’
The video started, and Snape’s insides clenched with anxiety and… something else.
Harry was sitting in a new place - a little alcove, almost a grotto, the walls of which were dark blue and decorated with gold stars. Next to him hung… a horizontal broomstick, strung up on ropes to appear like it was levitating.
"I spoke too soon about the broomstick lessons," Snape groaned.
Hanging next to Harry on some elastic was the stupid owl, again. He had a laptop open, and Snape could see the video Chat scrolling fast across the screen, as the blasted boy’s other viewers sent him messages.
Harry was grinning. He wore… Snape wasn’t quite sure what it was.
“Hi guys! It’s fun to be live, I should do it more often. I’m in my flying gear, and I’m ready to take some Love Potion! My friend Hermione kindly made it for me. She’s been on a course.” Harry laughed weakly, running his fingers through his black curls. “Gosh! I hope I can handle it! What if I go totally wild with love, Hedwig?” he said to the owl. (Hedwig clearly was not too concerned.)
Harry leant towards the camera.
“Are you watching me right now, Potions Master? If you are, please say so in the Chat! Don’t be shy! I’m desperate to know! And I might just be in love with you in a minute!"
"Surely that wouldn't be how it works," Snape snarled. "I didn't brew your potion, you twit!"
His fingers hovered over the keyboard - but he sat back. He couldn’t. What would he say?
“So, my plan for this livestream is: take the potion, play the video, see if I fall in love, maybe ride the vibrating broomstick and polish my broom… That’s about as much organisation as you get in my ‘lives’, I’m afraid!”
He took out a bottle - Snape recognised the pink pearlescent liquid inside immediately.
“Right - down the hatch!” Harry said, uncorking the potion and swallowing the lot. “Was I supposed to do that?” he peered at the handwritten label. “’Take five swallows - oops! Always rushing in headfirst, that’s me! Oh well!”
Snape put his head in his hands again.
"You're lucky that was just a tonic, you idiot!" he snapped.
“Let’s get going then, before I become just a puddle of love!” Harry grinned.
He started Snape’s video… and they were back in the Dungeon Classroom.
“Ah, Mr Potter. Our new celebrity,” Snape heard himself say, and he was on his feet in a flash.
“That fucking ferrety-faced little fucker!” he shouted. “He’s not only left it in, but he’s put it first! I’ll hex his nuts off!”
Harry, however, was spellbound. His cheeks flushed pink with excitement.
“It’s him! Oh my God, he’s so intimidating and greasy and gorgeous!”
Snape touched his hair, scowling, and sat down. He adjusted his cuffs.
“Ohh, hi, sir!” Harry grinned, waving at the screen. “I just took a whacking great dose of Love Potion before class! Aren’t I a bad boy?”
The Introductory clip of the cauldron and the smoke played… then Snape was back.
“There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this video. You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses…"
Potter turned the broomstick on, his eyes glued to the screen. He clambered up onto it, and sat with it vibrating softly between his legs as he watched the video.
"Today we will be brewing Amortentia, the strongest love potion known to man. Beware the power of its deep infatuation, which runs into obsession. This is not for the emotionally unstable. The illusion of 'love' will last indefinitely, as long as the potion is repeatedly administered. Full instructions are in the Description - proceed without reading them at your peril."
"So, what have I actually taken?" Harry laughed. He leant over and picked up his laptop, careful of the wires plugged into it. Snape watched him read the Description box, and the green eyes flashed with amusement.
"Ah! I see! A powerful love potion, yes! Phew!"
"I hope you have your ingredients weighed and measured already. In case you have not, pause the video here and prepare: Standard Potioning Water (24 fluid ounces), Ashwinder Eggs (3, frozen), Rose Thorns (roughly a handful), Peppermint (12 leaves), Powdered Moonstone (3 tablespoons), plus your future Love's lock of hair. This potion, if brewed correctly, should have a scent which appeals to all."
"Isn't all this a bit morally dubious?" Harry asked, with a small laugh. "I mean, don't go using Love Potions on your friends, everyone!"
"Moral - how dare you!" Snape ground out, inching closer to the screen. "Casting aspersions on the good character of a famous Dark Wizard! What if I'm just misunderstood?"
He watched himself brew, and whilst it was strange seeing himself dressed up like that, it also seemed… natural, somehow.
"I hope you've got your gold cauldron. Pour in the Potioning Water and place over a low flame."
"He's really sexy. Look at his hands! And his nose! Is that real? I hope it's real."
"Of course my nose is real!" Snape spat.
"Next, bruise the Peppermint leaves with a mortar and pestle," said the Potions Master. There was a pause. "You clearly need my assistance with grinding, Potter. Hold it stiffly, in both hands, like this.”
"Did I say that?" Snape choked out. Clearly he had. And, of course, Draco had left it in. Little bastard.
“Oh, I do,” Harry moaned. “Shit! Wait!” And he scrabbled at his groin, freeing his pink and eager cock from the brown leather straps of underwear. “I don’t even need to do my favourite levitation spell today, look!” And he waved his cock happily at the camera.
“No, boy - grasp the pestle firmly!”
Snape winced. Clearly he was getting too much into character as the Potions Master. Perhaps appearing in person had been a foolish mistake. But Harry just gripped his cock tighter.
“Yes, sir, grasping it now…” Harry groaned. “God, I’m going to fall off my broom if I carry on doing this! Health and safety, and all that!”
He clambered off, and switched the broomstick off - then pulled all his clothes off and sprawled happily onto the fake plastic grass that was covering the floor.
“Alright, so, you’ll want a good view, Mr Potions Master, so let’s move the camera down here, onto the Quidditch Pitch - show you what it’d look like if you were sucking my balls…” Harry sat the camera on the floor, between his knees. “How’s that?” He moved the laptop closer too, and peered at the Chat box, waiting…
Snape held his breath. He was painfully hard. That particular view of Harry was perfect.
Then, he realised that Harry was looking... disappointed.
“Perhaps he’s just not watching,” Harry murmured, then looked sadly at his owl for moral support. (The owl bobbed about, encouragingly.)
"Sprinkle the leaves into the lukewarm water," Snape heard himself say. "Then add the Powdered Moonstone, one spoonful at a time, stirring anti-clockwise three times between each spoonful. Now bring the potion to a simmer, sprinkle Rose Thorns into the water and leave, covering with a black silk cloth."
"Oh, do we get a short break? Perhaps I should break out the Broomstick Polish, then!" Harry smirked. "Can you bring it, old girl?"
It took Snape a moment to realise he was talking to the bloody owl. Then Harry reached up, and untied something from under a wing.
"Best stuff on the market - apart from Potions Master lube, of course! I love this Broomstick Wax, it smells of treacle tart too, my favourite! Now, I know what you're all wondering - am I in love, yet? Well, I'm certainly feeling hot and bothered... but possibly not in love. Maybe I should try making a romantic gesture."
Harry paused, biting his lower lip, and frowning… Then he picked up the camera - and rubbed the sticky head of his cock over the lens.
“Just in case you are here, sir,” he moaned. “Taste good?”
Snape’s mouth fell open. His cock pulsed in his trousers and he had to grasp it roughly, wincing.
“Fuck,” he said, aloud.
“Oh dear, what am I doing - it must be the influence of the Love Potion! Shit, I need to wipe this off now - sorry Hedwig, I need to use your wing…”
A white furry owl wing was rubbed across the camera lens. (Hedwig looked decidedly unimpressed as it was released, and bobbed up again angrily on its bit of elastic.)
“Potions Master, are you watching now? Did you like that? Have you seen my Golden Snitch? Please, please tell me?” Harry implored, staring at the Chat box almost in despair.
He read the replies.
“‘Maybe he’s ill’ - yeah, KingRon, perhaps… ‘Maybe he’s unsubscribed’ - I hope not… ‘Maybe he’s been sacked’ - Ron, I know you think he’s creepy but he’s not an actual Potions Master…” Harry read the reply and smirked. “Everyone wouldn’t hate him if he was a real teacher, that’s an exaggeration.”
‘Or maybe,’ Snape typed, his blood boiling, ‘he’s waiting to hear what foolish wand-waving you’ve dreamt up this time!’
He pressed ‘Send’ - then almost had a fit. What was he doing?
Harry was staring at the Chat. Snape knew his message had come through when the young face lit up with joy. His infectious delight had Snape unbuckling his belt, unzipping the black trousers, and shoving a hand into his pants, gripping his own cock in a desperate and clammy fist.
“Ohh fuck!” Harry groaned. “Hi, sir! I took your Love Potion, are you annoyed with me? Enough to give me private 'Remedial Potions' lessons?"
The fingers of Snape’s (free) hand hesitated over the keyboard…
Harry watched and waited, then frowned again.
“Don’t be a coward! You were so dirty last week, reading me all those horny spells…”
Incensed, Snape looked at the blurred edges of the screen, where Potter still hadn’t wiped the smears away properly.
“A coward, am I?” he hissed.
He typed: ‘Don’t call me coward,’ and sent it. Then he found he couldn’t stop - he needed both hands to add: ‘You dare use my own spells against me, Potter? Are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable slut?’ he typed. Then he grabbed hold of his cock again.
Harry Potter read his words hungrily.
“I know!” Harry grimaced. “I’m a disgrace. I think I love you! What’s in this potion, sir?”
‘You have no idea? Clearly fame isn’t everything, is it, Mr Potter?’
“Hah! He’s so rude! I love it! And I know I’m being cheeky too, but - in fact, would you like some more cheek?”
And he rolled onto his front, wiggling his bum at the camera.
“How close can I get you to my cheek, let’s see… You’re welcome to give it a lick, if you want…” Harry said huskily. His gorgeous arse filled the screen - and Snape lost his mind.
He leant forward, one hand shoved down his pants - and flattened his tongue onto the screen, over the image of Harry Potter’s pink little arsehole…
“Have you licked your screen yet?” Harry groaned, gazing at the Chat box. “I know you don't like ‘foolish wand-waving’, but… sometimes a guy’s just got to polish his broomstick…” He shoved his fingers into the treacly wax, fingertips dripping.
‘I don’t take cheek from anyone, Potter,’ Snape typed, and Harry laughed, and grabbed his cock, looking pained and aroused and so unspeakably gorgeous -
It was all too much. Snape was so hard he could hammer nails with it, his dick sliding in his trembling fist -
‘Look at me,’ Snape typed, one-handed; all he could manage - and Harry’s eyes shot up. He looked directly into the camera, the green gaze hazy with lust. Harry groaned - then orgasmed straight onto the camera in five spurts, the screen being slowly obscured in white…
Snape came too, blindingly hard; a groan pulled raw out of his throat, his face screwed up in a grimace. He opened an eye, panting, his hair hanging about his face. The screen was still covered in white. Snape swiped a finger at it, longingly. If only. Then it was wiped away, and Harry’s face came into view again; blurred and flushed, and delighted.
"Now that the potion has simmered, add the Ashwinder Eggs one at a time," Snape heard himself say, sounding a lot more composed than he currently felt. "Do not stir. You need to add your love interest's hair at this point, as the steam begins to rise. The potion should turn pearlescent, signalling its completion."
“Ahhh,” Harry groaned. “Well! That was my livestream of… I don’t even remember the name of this potion! What’s my name? Roonil Wazlib? Could be! I'm definitely in love! Oh and we never found the Snitch, this time! I’m serious about the potions ingredients, sir: should I send you some of this?” he asked, laughing, scooping up some of his ejaculate. “I sense a collaboration? I’ll collect it in a phial - DM me if you want it, sir! I'm off to daydream about my new love! Good night, everyone!”
Snape sighed, full of longing. Then he realised there were white streaks across his black coat, and cursed.
* * *
As soon as he entered the hall for his next evening class, he wished he hadn’t.
“Where’s the Potions Master?”
“That’s not him, surely? He’s not wearing the outfit.”
“Can you make your coat swish like in the video?”
“I’m not a Potions Master!” Snape snapped.
“He’s definitely the one, I recognise the nose - sir? Can we ask a serious question?”
“Is it of educational value?” Snape snapped.
“Oh, yes! Did Harry send you the semen he collected during the livestream? Are we going to be using that today?”
“WHAT?”
* * *
“Severus, do calm down.”
“My membership of the Herbalist’s Guild is under review, of course I can’t calm down!”
“I thought Albus said he was sorting it out - stop worrying! It’s only a few prudes that’ve complained!”
“Albus might not be able to smooth things over! I need this to stop, before it gets any more out of hand!” Snape cried.
He sat down in front of his computer.
'Potter,' he typed, ready to unleash all his pent-up frustrations on the brat. 'Your presumption that I will tolerate your behaviour is beyond belief! Have you ever considered that you ask too much, that you take too much for granted? You have no subtlety! You may think life owes you something; sentimental children, forever whining about how bitterly unfair your lives have been - well, it may have escaped your notice, but life isn’t fair! I demand that you stop - your videos are nearly unbearable to witness. Reply immediately. SS.'
* * *
“Are you still making videos?” Draco demanded, a day later.
“No,” Snape snapped, not looking up. He was tired and unhappy, and hadn’t turned on his computer today, nor even looked at his black robes, after what happened at his evening class. Not that he had an evening class anymore. He’d had to cancel the rest of the term. It was a disaster.
“You must! You’ve got an employee to look after!”
“Who? No I haven’t!”
“Me! Yes you have! I heard your class was cancelled - that’s annoying.”
Snape nodded, sourly.
“Well, are you keeping up the videos for the income, or what?”
“I suppose I shall have to.”
“Good. Now, its been suggested that you branch out.”
“By whom?” Snape sneered. “How does a Potions Master ‘branch out’? He makes Potions!”
“Yes… but what if he was also… I don’t know, some kind of secret agent, maybe? And he had to develop other skills in order to survive - magical ones?”
“This is all getting a bit far-fetched,” Snape grumbled. “I’m sick of the entire thing.”
“Could be, sort of… like meditation? Along the lines of ‘closing your mind to external magical forces’. What do you think?”
“No. I’m not in the mood.”
“Great! I’ve got props already!” And Draco drew out a shallow stone basin engraved with runes and symbols. Snape waved a hand at it and turned away.
Draco sighed.
“Looks like you’ve not seen his latest email, then?”
Snape’s head snapped up.
* * *
‘Dear Professor Snape,
would you like to meet and discuss our foolish wand-waving in person?
We could meet in London, perhaps, at the Pub called Three Broomsticks in Camden?
Yours,
Harry.’
Snape pressed ‘reply’.
‘Potter.
You will meet with me immediately, and we will put an end to this foolishness once and for all. Tell me when, and where this sodding place is.
S. Snape.
Esteemed Member of the Cokeworth Herbalist Guild.’
* * *
He was not concerned about the meeting, until it occurred to him that he could… go dressed as the Potions Master. After that, he was a nervous wreck. He needed to appear professional and severe - and put a stop to all this foolish wand-waving. It was ruining his career! But then… he imagined turning up in his tartan cardigan, and the look of disappointment on Potter's handsome face... He didn't think he could stand to see it. But that was the truth, wasn't it? He was, after all, just a man who made herbal remedies, wrote books and articles, and ran his little evening class in the Cokeworth Village Hall... It was a simple, unremarkable life, but one that suited him perfectly. Didn't it?
What did all that matter - he was there to berate Potter, not to seduce him!
He agonised for hours. If he wore the costume - solely to give him more authority with the little bastard, of course - he might get Potter to take him more seriously...
Perhaps he should also wash his hair...
No.
He was just Severus Snape. He needed to be authentic, and go as himself. That was final.
* * *
Snape walked into the pub, hair unwashed, wearing the full black robes.
People turned to stare at him. He swirled the cloak in a menacing fashion. They only stared more. He was carrying a leather valise, and put it down to look around, ignoring their stares. In a corner booth, a young man got suddenly to his feet, his gorgeous green eyes lighting up. Harry too had worn his costume - the school uniform - and was holding the wand, the tip of which was glowing. Obviously battery powered.
Oh, fuck. Snape had forgotten how gorgeous he was, amidst all the… excitement.
“I know you might possibly be here to tell me to ‘cease and desist’ again,” Potter said, positively glowing as Snape reached him, “but I’m so happy to see you. You look lovely.”
Snape scowled. He had been brimming with self-righteous anger, like a simmering cauldron, about to boil over and ruin everything. His hands gripped into fists as he looked down at the beautiful young man, forcibly reminding himself of his humiliation, his (erotic) mortification, his Guild suspension -
“You might be labouring under the delusion that the entire world is impressed with you," Snape hissed, his face turning red even as Harry Potter’s paled, "but I don't care how many Fans you’ve got! To me, Potter, you are nothing but a nasty little boy who considers rules to be beneath him."
Harry bushed. His hands were shaking slightly as he lowered his gaze. He sighed softly.
“So I give you fair warning, Potter," Snape continued, voice soft and dangerous, "pint-sized celebrity or not - one more masturbatory video at my expense, Potter, and you will pay!"
"Right," Harry scowled. "I'll bear that in mind."
Then Snape looked up. The other patrons in the pub were staring at them in bewilderment. Harry noticed it too - and had the cheek to smirk.
Snape's eyes flashed. He plunged a hand into the inside of his black robes. Harry stepped back, alarmed - but then he saw that Snape had drawn out a small crystal bottle of swirling, clear liquid. Harry stared at it in confusion.
"Do you know what this is, Potter?" Snape said, his eyes glittering dangerously.
"No," said Harry.
"It is 'Veritaserum' - a Truth Potion so powerful that three drops would have you spilling your innermost secrets," said Snape viciously. "So unless you watch your step, you might just find that my hand slips"- he shook the crystal bottle slightly -"right over your expensive cappuccino. And then, Potter... then we'll find out what your true intentions are for humiliating me in this public manner!”
Harry said nothing. He looked like he was repressing a shudder at the thought.
“Are we clear, Potter, or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?”
“Erm, excuse me? Did he threaten to poison you, just then?”
“I think he’s a drug dealer - there’s something fishy in that bottle, I don’t like the sound of it!”
“Why’s he dressed up like that, it’s not Halloween?”
“Somebody call the police, will you?”
“I - it’s glittery water!” Snape gasped, turning to the other patrons, who were all scowling at him. A few had stood up.
“Who packs a bottle of glittery water to meet his boyfriend in a pub? It’s all pretty suspicious to me.”
“Come on,” Harry said, “we’d better find another pub, if you want to berate me further.”
“You’re not going with him, are you? Fellow seems quite unbalanced," said one woman. "I'd watch out for him if I were you, dear."
"Oh, he's not unbalanced," said Harry, gently. "He's just suffering from a lack of OnlyFans subscribers.”
“I’ve got plenty of my own Fans!" Snape hissed. “And I haven’t even got my cock out once yet!”
Everyone blinked at him.
“Yes, Potter, let’s go,” Snape mumbled, cheeks flaming.
* * *
They found another pub, this time called ‘The Hog’s Head’. It was much dingier and more cramped than the last place, and smelled faintly of livestock, but the old man behind the bar didn’t bat an eyelid at Snape’s outfit. Harry got them a new coffee each, then perched a little shakily on his seat opposite, watching Snape, cautiously.
“It genuinely is water,” Snape said, apologetically. “Look.” He uncorked his tiny bottle and swallowed the lot. “You were never in any danger.”
“Is that how you dress, all the time?” Harry asked, his green eyes bright and curious.
Snape was about to shake his head, but then paused.
“It just seemed… appropriate for today. I felt… I've felt more myself when wearing it, but that doesn’t make any sense. I’m not sure what I was thinking - maybe I haven’t been thinking at all, recently,” he added, scowling.
“No, I… I love it,” Harry whispered. His fingers reached out across the sticky table, laying his hand atop Snape’s. “It’s so sexy. I apologise if you found my videos a bit embarrassing. I didn’t think about it that way - OnlyFans isn’t just people showing off their privates in silly costumes, after all.”
“To be fair, it’s mostly that,” Snape said. Then he felt a reassuring spark of anger again. “I hope you do realise that you are personally and professionally humiliating me with these foolish videos? That I am a real person behind the nonsense - that my evening class has been ruined, and my membership of the Herbalist’s Guild - the only place I have ever belonged - is now in jeopardy?”
Harry paled again. It should have been gratifying, seeing the spark of enthusiasm and delight snuffed out… But it wasn’t. The young man just looked horrified.
“Oh,” Harry said, softly, and he sounded crushed, too. “I’m really so, so sorry. Should I take them all down? I’ll take them all down. I didn’t know. I… I didn’t realise that the foolish wand-waving would impact you like that. I thought, because you were a Fan of me, that you liked it."
Snape wrapped his thin fingers around his coffee cup.
“I’d been hoping for vengeance, but… it isn’t very sweet. I could fantasise about catching you, putting you in Detention… Helping you to find that ridiculous Snitch ball… Or I could try and get you to remove the videos, but… what would my life be, after that? The same old stagnation, monotony, and absolutely no magic whatsoever… Being pissed off by you has been the most foolishness - and the most enjoyable aggravation - I’ve ever had. You, ah, mentioned a collaboration…” he added, risking a glance at the boy.
“Oh, I’d love to collaborate!” Harry said, blushing - and he stroked the back of Snape’s hand lightly with his fingertips. “I think you’re perfect for me. I had a few video ideas…”
“So did I,” Snape nodded. He bent sideways - and retrieved a ring binder from his leather valise, bursting with notes and printouts, and illustrations of different herbs -
Harry stared at it. Snape blushed, too.
“Oh,” Harry said, laughing softly, half to himself. “You’re very… organised. I thought this was a ‘cease and desist’ meeting?”
“It is. Was. I don’t know why I thought up all of these,” Snape said, and his blush deepened.
Harry looked up at him through his lashes, with a shy smile.
“I was just going to suggest we go back to my place and shag like rabbits.”
Snape’s mouth fell open. He snapped the ring binder closed.
“Should I wear the robes?” he rasped out.
* * *
“You could have a lot more fun as ‘The Potions Master’ if you had a student to teach,” Harry said. He was looking up, lost in thought, at the shadowy darkness of the bed canopy. The passing traffic outside was sending beams of light slipping across the ceiling; Hedwig and the stuffed snake were occasionally illuminated. A single candle burned on the bedside table.
Harry’s sweaty head was laid upon Snape’s bare chest, and his fingers were tracing soft patterns into his chest hair. The black robe was draped across their naked bodies, to ward off the slight chill.
“A student…” Snape murmured, his own fingers grazing Harry’s neck.
“Yeah. Like… a rather naughty one, perhaps? Bit of a brat? Doesn’t do his homework, chops his ingredients too roughly, uses a textbook with cheeky annotations to cheat on his potions - perhaps he steals from your stores to make some illegal brews with his friends -”
Snape tightened his arms around Harry.
“This student sounds like a right dunderhead.”
“Yeah,” Harry grinned, intertwining their legs. “And so… maybe you have to give him Detentions…”
“Oh,” Snape said. “I see. You’re… volunteering for permanent Detentions, are you?”
“Imagine the video: ’Detention with the Potions Master’,” Harry said, with a soft laugh. “It’d probably be my most popular one. Speaking of - do you want to watch the video of us fucking from earlier?”
“I’m not sure,” Snape admitted. “I’ve never seen myself… from that angle.”
“Nah, you looked great!” Harry enthused. “And you’re really well-endowed too, which makes a difference. You might enjoy watching it.”
“Go on, then.”
* * *
Sat in bed, propped up on dark red pillows, with Harry tucked against his side and the laptop on his knees, he watched himself walk into the shot, fully dressed in the robes and the dark coat… Harry, however, was already stark naked, apart from the tie.
“Mr Potter - what are you doing?”
“Wasn’t this naked detention? I’m sure you said ‘naked’.”
“I said we’d be ‘buffing cauldron bottoms’ in detention, that’s what I actually said!”
“Buff, mmm. I remember that bit. Do you like my bottom?”
“Bring it over here, then. If there’s no cauldrons to inspect, your arse will have to do.”
“Oh, great!” Harry said, and clambered up onto the bed. “Why do you have a bed in your Potions Classroom?”
“This is where I hold Detentions that might contain foolish wand-waving; it keeps the laboratory safe.”
“I agree, sir. My wand’s more trouble than it’s worth. And quite honestly, I’ve had enough trouble for a lifetime.”
“And yet, here we are again, in Detention. Now Potter, l caught you under that cloak again, misbehaving. What was your head doing, committing lewd acts? No part of your body has permission to be doing that! If your head was doing it, so was the rest of you. Not to mention your arse is clearly full of Dark Magic, Potter.”
“Is it?” Harry asked, peering over his own shoulder, looking fascinated. “I always wondered that about it...”
“Yes. Hand me your wand. You’re lucky I am also an expert in the Dark Arts… Let me see, let me see ... ” Snape muttered, holding the wand and smoothing his hands over Harry’s peachy buttocks. “Reveal your secret!” he said, touching the wand to the skin.
Nothing happened. Harry clenched his hands together and grinned at the camera.
“Show yourself!” Snape said, tapping the boy’s arse sharply.
Harry’s back shook with silent laughter.
“Professor Severus Snape, master of this school, commands you to yield the information you conceal!” Snape said, spanking Harry’s arse with his wand.
Harry reached behind himself - and deposited a Golden Snitch into his palm. He held it out to Snape, blushing.
“Oh, sir! You found it! I do have terrible trouble with it sneaking in there.”
“Clearly you are full of Dark Magic, Potter,” Snape said, grimly. “Has that been up there all evening?”
“Oh, I’m not sure, sir! I didn’t notice. Why don’t you use some of those spells that you were teaching me in your other video, seeing as we’re in a safe environment?”
“Oh, yes. What were they again?”
“I liked ‘Accio’ myself. The one that makes things come, wasn’t it?”
* * *
Snape watched himself waving the wand around, practicing one of the spells on Harry’s arse and squirting oil all over him - then eventually screwing the wild young man on all fours across the bedspread. Harry was vocal, and enthusiastic, and very vigorous - how hard Harry liked to get pounded was almost enough to make Snape forget they were being watched by a stuffed owl the entire way through.
“How do you feel about the video?” Harry asked, as the footage cut out. His hand was rubbing soothing (and maddeningly arousing) circles on Snape’s stomach now. “I’m not going to upload it, of course. I don’t do everything in my life on video - that one’s private, for special keeping.”
“Yes, it’ll be lovely to look back on in future years, like a family photo album,” Snape nodded.
Harry smiled.
“You’ve got a nice body. I don’t think you’d have any worries, if you wanted to do something like that for real. But I understand if you’re hesitant. It’s not necessarily conducive to romance. We’ve had an… unconventional courtship, so far…”
“Just you, me, and a few thousand voyeurs… I’m undecided,” Snape sighed.
Harry looked… sad, all of a sudden. He withdrew from Snape’s embrace and sat up, hugging his stuffed owl to his chest. He looked younger; unsure, and awkward.
“Okay,” he sighed. “I understand. I’ve probably not done much to endear myself to you at this point.”
“I - wh - you do not understand!” Snape frowned. He sat up too. “I’m undecided about displaying my bare arse to all your Fans - not about you! If you’re remotely interested in pursuing… something personal with me, away from the camera, then I’m very much, er, decided about that.”
Harry squeezed his owl tight, his face lighting up with happiness. He tossed the owl away and wrapped himself around Snape like some sort of giant squid.
“What’s the tattoo in aid of?” Snape asked, stroking the soft arch of the young man’s lower back.
“Oh, the little footprints? They're my parents and their friends; it sort of symbolises all their adventures as kids. They made maps of places they’d been. Sounded like so much fun. There’s one pair of footprints for each of them.” Harry told him, with a soft sigh.
Snape tightened his grip on the young man.
"Are they all... dead?" he asked, gravely.
"What? No! Mum and Dad live in Devon! Sirius is still in prison, but I expect he'll get out soon. He gave me my first vlogging camera. Well, I think he nicked it actually, but, still..."
"Do they know what you do as a career?"
"No. They think I work in a bookshop. I made fake business cards and everything," Harry winced, fishing one out of his bedside drawer.
Snape snorted.
"'Flourish and Blotts'? You'll have to hope they don't Google it; discover it doesn't exist."
“I know. I will tell them... at some point. Once I become really settled, financially. I like to think Mum and Dad would be proud of my creativity, if nothing else. It’s not all foolish wand-waving, running your own business. I know I pretend to be irresponsible, but porn stars have to pay their mortgages too! And I’ve got all sorts of ambitions to create other revenue streams. ‘Magic wand’ toy range for one. Broomsticks, of some kind. Underwear, candles - lube, if you’re interested in collaborating. Doesn’t have to be just that - we could invent other potions. I thought of fun names, like ‘Polyjuice potion’. That one could have some fun and sexy connotations - it allows you to swap bodies, for naughty OnlyFans content, obviously…"
"Obviously," Snape said. He was rapidly realising that there was much more to this young person than just foolish wand-waving, and he wanted it all.
“What was it that made you start doing these… sorts of videos?” Snape asked.
“My friend Neville suggested it. I wasn’t great at school, but I was going to play rugby semi-professionally and it was all working out - then had a head injury,” Harry said. He pulled back his hair to display a scar on his forehead in the shape of a lightening bolt. “It was a difficult time - some of the spectators said that Tom had run into me on purpose, and… it all got very nasty. And I couldn’t play, and was very down… so I started my channel, for a laugh. Someone suggested my scar could be the residue of Dark Magic. For my first video, I pretended I could talk to the snakes at London Zoo, and it’s just… evolved. I did one where people genuinely thought I walked through the wall at King’s Cross Station… It’s been magic. And now I’ve met you! But I don’t want to pressure you at all to join me. I mean, it’s a very… revealing job. You can tell if somebody’s watched your videos because they can... never quite look you in the eye, afterwards.”
“It’d certainly cause a few ripples at the Herbalist Guild’s Gala Dinner,” Snape nodded. “I don’t know if they’d find the increased, ahm, exposure for their craft enough of a compensation. I might get thrown out.”
“Oh no,” Harry said, clutching him tightly. “I wouldn’t want that. I don’t know where I’d be without my friends. Do you want me to stop making any Potions Master videos? I will, if it’s better for… whatever there might be between us.”
“No. That role play is a part of ‘us’, and I intend to explore all avenues thoroughly. Sod the Guild,” Snape said. “If they want my expertise, they’ll have to accept me as I am; porn career and all.”
“Well… if you’re a bit anxious about it, but still keen, we could start with something simple. Maybe just Detention.”
Snape thought about it.
“You do need to be taken in hand, the way you’ve been behaving… I also had a video idea that I’d been developing… Oh God, you’ll have to meet my assistant! I think he's been trying to get us together, but please don’t run off with him, he’s a posh pillock.”
Harry laughed.
“I promise not to,” he said, smiling. “If he’s the one who’s been emailing me, I already think he’s a bit of a prat. But I’m sure I can work with him, if you want me to, for the sake of the naughty Wizard porn.”
“One of my friends suggested an entire Wizarding School of themed OnlyFans videos,” Snape snorted. “Can you imagine? He’s eighty!”
Harry Potter sat up and stared at him.
“Oh my God! I’ve been dreaming of that for years! I’ve even named the school - what do you think of ‘Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry’?”
Snape gaped at him… then snorted.
“Meet Albus before you get too excited.”
“I will! Soon! Sounds great! Who else could we get? I saw this great channel the other week: ‘Transform your Pussy with Minerva’! Maybe she’d like to join us! Oh this is so exciting! A whole school of professors! And my favourite one, Professor Snape,” Harry added, snuggling closer. "Say! We could make up a whole sad and tragic backstory for our characters, that we had to overcome to be together! Maybe you were in love with my Uncle or my Mum or something, and then something tragic happened and you spent the rest of your life haunted by guilt and regret, which was only assuaged when I fell then in love with you!"
Snape processed this.
"It has actually been suggested before that Professor Snape might be mourning a lost love..." he said, thoughtfully. "I wasn't intending it to be your Mother, though."
"Well, we'll think about it. Professor," Harry grinned.
Snape tightened his arms around him.
“I could get used to being called ‘Professor’," he admitted.
“Great! I’d love it if you got your cock out, then,” Harry said, beaming.
“I’d love it if you got your cock out then, ‘sir.’”
Harry rolled on top of him, smiling.
“There’s no need to call me ‘sir’, Professor.”
* * *
“Hi guys! I can’t believe I’m introducing this video, it’s been like a dream. So, I met the Potions Master, in person, and he told me what a very naughty boy I’ve been, and how my arse is simply bursting with Dark Magic! But, fortunately, he’s also an expert in that! He told me I was at risk of external penetration - of the mind, of course - and that he could give me private lessons! So here’s one we filmed earlier! Enjoy!”
The video faded, in a burst of green flame, to…
“It appears there is a connection between the Dark Lord's mind and your own. Whether he is, as yet, aware of this connection is for the moment unclear. Pray he remains ignorant,” Snape was saying. They were in his Dungeon classroom, the walls illuminated with ghastly green light and the bottles of potions glinting wickedly on the shelves.
Potter was sat on a chair, in school uniform, looking anxious.
“I don’t want anyone to be able to read my mind. I have some very naughty thoughts!” he said, nervously.
“The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter - or at least, most minds are.”
“Not mine, sir! It’s all porn! What am I going to do?”
“Well, we’re going to learn ‘Cocklumency’, the magical defence of the mind against external penetration. An obscure branch of magic, but a highly useful one.”
“Oh, good!” Harry said, smiling. “Shall I get my wand out?”
Snape walked over, and picked up the camera. He took a seat beside his desk. Harry rose and drifted towards him, looking eager. The camera now showed Snape’s point of view, looking down at Harry as the young man knelt before him.
“I am about to penetrate your mind,” said Snape, softly. “We are going to see how well you resist. Get out your wand, yes.”
“Ok, sir,” Potter grinned. He knelt, parted Snape's black robes, and started unbuckling Snape’s belt, unzipping his black trousers and slipping a hand inside.
(The camera went a bit shaky at this point.)
“Ok,” Potter said, salivating, holding Snape’s cock in his fist and looking up at it eagerly. “I’m ready to start.”
“Legilimens!”
Potter started sucking his cock, enthusiastically. The camera did shake then, as Snape sank the fingers of his free hand into the beautiful dark curls, and groaned.
“It is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter,” Snape rasped out.
“Oh God, sir… I’m really feeling the urge of that external penetration! I don’t know if I can resist it!” Potter murmured.
“Do you know what I think, Potter?…I think that you are lazy - you deserve detention with me every Saturday until the end of term. What do you think, Potter?” Snape hissed out.
Harry moaned his agreement against Snape’s dick, licking it obscenely with the flat of his tongue.
“Unfortunately, you are not in my House and the decision to expel you does not rest with me,” Snape growled.
“Please, sir, I’ll work hard. I’ll let you sheathe your Basilisk in my Chamber of Secrets, sir!” Potter said, eagerly.
“I think that’s a wise place to keep it, yes,” Snape rasped out. “At once, in fact! Brace yourself, now…”
Potter moaned again. He scrambled to his feet, dropped his shorts and underwear in one go, then came and sat on Snape’s lap. Snape’s cock slipped in between his buttocks and slid over his pink hole. There was a green jewel winking at Snape from the pink opening.
“What’s this?” he demanded. “A Dark Artefact? You’ll end up with a cursed ring, Potter!”
“Ohhhh, yes please!”
Snape carefully pulled the little green plug out, throwing it onto the floor.
”Why, why did you put that in there? It carries a curse, surely you realised that. Why even touch it?”
"I... was a fool. Sorely tempted…" Harry wailed.
“That thing carried a curse of extraordinary power, to contain it is all we can hope for; I’ll have to trap the curse in my cock for the time being,” Snape said, sounding aggravated.
He pressed the head of his cock against Harry’s slick and eager arsehole, then pushed in slowly.
They both groaned.
“Ahhhh… Mischief Managed!” Harry cried out, joyfully.
* * *
“So it IS porn!” Draco said, accusingly. (He couldn’t quite seem to look Snape in the eye. Funny that.)
“You’re damned right it is!” Snape said, proudly. He was wearing his black frock coat, and the robes, and it wasn’t even a filming day. He felt good in it. He felt... like Severus Snape, in it.
“I can’t believe you made a few videos messing about with dried herbs, and it got you a hot boyfriend and a porn career! Where’s my hot boyfriend? Or my porn career?”
“You’ll have to think of your own gimmick, sorry ferret-face,” Snape shrugged. His dark robe swirled around his ankles.
“Oh, charming! Now who will provide for me? Mother is always on holiday, father’s selfishly got himself imprisoned again, with no thought for my welfare - you’re too busy making porn -”
“I’d offer you some sort of assistant director role, but -”
“Oh, alright then, if I’m forced to! Is he coming over today? Do I get to choose his outfits? What about your Herbalist’s Guild?”
“I shouldn’t worry about them… I think some of them are going to join. We’re considering a large group OnlyFans collaboration, a Wizarding School channel. It’s called ‘Hogwarts’. So I’ll be making videos for that, too. Albus, Sybill, and Horace all already expressed an interest. Oh, and Remus offered to be a Werewolf.”
“Gosh. It’s all taking off, isn’t it! I’ll expect a salary - and a raise in my salary. And maybe my own assistant - two, in fact! I know a couple of suitable chaps, Crabbe and Goyle. I'll Facetime them. I’m happy for you. And for me, of course. Mainly me.”
"Alright. I'll tell Harry. He and I are going to buy... a wand for me, today,” Snape said. “I have a feeling that this is the start of my real life; OnlyFans is the next great adventure. Fate brought me here, to be the Potions Master. The foolish wand-waving chooses the Wizard, after all."
Fin.
Invitation
You are cordially invited
to The Cokeworth Herbalist Guild’s Special Screening
of Esteemed Member Severus Snape’s latest video:
‘The Collection (and Uses) of Unusual Ingredients in Potions; a collaboration with Mr Harry J. Potter.’
We have been reliably informed that this is to be a highly useful and educational video for members in the trade. There will be time for lively discussion afterwards.
(Please bring your own wine.)
The Cokeworth Herbalist Guild
Chairman,
Mr A. Dumbledore
(OnlyFans: ‘Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry’, Headmaster)