you and me got a whole lot of history

by booksellerontherun

Summary:

At 24, Nick is known as the "sweetheart of rugby" - until he comes out as bi. Suddenly his image is at risk but his management has a plan: if Nick pretends to date his high school boyfriend Charlie, the press will probably calm down.
They haven't really talked since they broke up four years ago but Charlie agrees because he always puts others first.

Now they gotta get to know each other all over again while also dealing with everything that happened between them in the past.
Of course it's all pretend though - we all know how well plans like this work out, don't we?

Notes:

Set seven years after Season 1. Nick is now 24, Charlie is 22.
Darcy, Tara, Otis, Sai and Christian did not go to Truham / Higgs.

(I'm not a native speaker so please bear with me)

Chapter 1

Notes:

Set seven years after Season 1. Nick is now 24, Charlie is 22.
Darcy, Tara, Otis, Sai and Christian did not go to Truham / Higgs.

PLEASE NOTE: I wrote that Tori grew out of calling Michael her emotional support human. To me, she called him that when she was younger because she was trying to be different or quirky (as you do as a teenager) and gave it up as she grew older. In no way is it meant to be acephobic.

„Rugby star Nicholas Nelson (24) comes out as bisexual – will the London Falcons drop him before next season?“

 

„Nicholas Nelson spotted at a gay bar in London! Pictures show the rugby star getting cosy with various men. What happened to „the sweetheart of rugby“ as we knew him?“

 

„Will Nicholas Nelson have to use a singular changing room for upcoming rugby games? An insider told us how Nicks teammates really feel about his coming out!“

 

“Not so sweet any more – Nicholas Nelson leads the secret life of a player!”

 

“Is it all a lie? Secret sources tell us that Nicholas Nelson is actually gay, only portraying as bisexual as to not offend his fans!”

 

When Nick had outed himself two weeks ago, he knew it would be hard. That the paparazzi would be clinging to his every step, that even when he had already said that he wouldn’t talk about his love life any more there would still be questions about it in every interview he had to give.
He had talked about all this with his manager before coming out as bisexual and he really thought he would be prepared for what was gonna come but this was more than he could handle.

He had to wait until the season was over before he was allowed to publish a statement regarding his sexuality. It had felt weird that something so personal as his coming out had to be planned in several discussions including a power point presentation and a timetable.

Coming out in sports still wasn’t common and some of his teammates - who all knew about his sexuality since day one – were worried about him, even asking if it was worth risking his whole career. But Nick couldn’t hide who he was any longer and he knew it was the right decision to tell his truth. Maybe it hadn’t escalated like this when his best mates from the team hadn’t convinced him to celebrate his coming out by visiting a gay bar and getting him drunk which always resulted in Nick becoming flirty.

And it’s not like they had never gone out as a team before, drowning alcohol, dancing horribly and still getting to snog more than one girl in one evening. But there was the difference – when he was caught snogging girls no magazine or news show cared that much. It never made a dent in the almost holy picture of the sweet, kind man the public had of him.

Now he had been seen kissing guys and suddenly his shining amour was laced with sharp cracks.

 

It’s not like there were only negative comments made about him, not at all. He had felt so brave, so proud when he met a fan and they told him through tears that his coming out made them muster up the courage to come out themselves. People on social media had expressed their support, comments like “we stand by you – always” and “you’re still our fav” popped up on his pictures on Instagram.

But the human brain was prone to forget all things positive as soon as one negative remark was made.

 

Now he was hastily throwing clothes in a duffel bag, his phone buzzing on his nightstand. Nick wanted to turn it off but he was waiting for his mother to call him back. He needed to get out of here, out of his flat, out of London and out of this crazy scary experience that his life had turned into these past week – he needed to go home.

Finally the buzzing was replaced by the ring tone he had specifically chosen for Sarahs calls.

 

“Hi Mum,” he said, his voice quiet and breathless.
“Hey honey, what” – “Can I come home?”

He didn’t mean to interrupt her but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.
“Oh dear, of course you can!”

 

Sarah was still going on talking about how he could always come back home, that he didn’t have to ask but Nick didn’t really hear her words. It was like a tightness that had been hugging his shoulders uncomfortably was finally letting go. A sob came out of this mouth and there he was, Nicholas Nelson, rugby star at only 24, crying in the bedroom of his posh flat in London, listening to the soothing voice of his mother while his neighbours’ music blared through the walls.
“… watch the twist and the turns, distract me from where it hurts, it’s like I’m watching my life go past the point of return, of return.”

-

Charlie Spring didn’t always make wise choices and right now he wasn’t quite sure if this was one of those not-so-wise ones.

He was back in his home town and had decided to not stay at his parents house but rather sleep at Toris’ and Michaels’ flat. When he was still in London he thought that it would probably be a lot less stressful if he didn’t have to spend all his time back home with his parents who were still upset about him changing his field of study. What he did not think of back then was that at his parents house there wouldn’t be the chance of walking into his sister sitting on her boyfriends lap in a full on make-out session.

 

He let out a gasp and threw his hands in front of his eyes but the sight of the two lovebirds was engraved in his brain. Lovebirds wasn’t even the correct way to describe what he had just witnessed, it was more like watching two slugs clinging to each other.

 

“Jesus, Charlie! Why are you always so bloody quiet and sneaking around?” Tori shouted and lifted the strap of her top that had fallen from her shoulder.
She didn’t look angry though because Victoria Spring was the queen of looking indifferent even when the world was crashing down – or when she got caught with her boyfriend (when she was younger she had refused to call Michael her boyfriend but she grew out of calling him her emotional support human soon enough. Charlie was grateful for Michael who was like a total opposite of his sister and still they just seem to fit so well! He made Tori softer somehow, not that Charlie would ever tell her that but he could see the slight shift in her eyes whenever she looked at Michael.)

“I was not sneaking around! I actually dropped the keys in the hallway, you could have heard me,” Charlie answered and peeked between his fingers before dropping his hands.
He looked down as something streaked his legs and saw the black cat his sister had adopted and named Snowball because … well, because Tori was being Tori.

“Whatever,” Tori said plainly and picked up the cup of iced tea that had waited for her on the small table next to the couch. She was still constantly using straws but they were metal ones and reusable because “I do care about the turtles, you know?”

“Had a nice walk? Looked at all the tourist sights?” she asked with a sarky tone to her voice.

 

Charlie just shrugged but his walk around town actually had make him quite nostalgic. He had walked past Truham High and maybe he had stood near the rugby field and watched some kids training tackles while listening to “The Most Beautiful Boy” which of course came on completely random and did not make him think about how years ago he was dating his first ever boyfriend Nick.

 

Their story had been the perfect material for a tv show – the nerd and the jock, sitting next to each other and slowly turning into ‘never just friends’ and then into ‘actual boyfriends’. But they didn’t get a happy ending as first love almost never does.

Well besides Tao and Elle because his best friends were still going strong but him and Nick didn’t make it when Nick moved away to go to university. Then he got signed at a rugby team and started his career (and went back into the closet, a decision Charlie had flinched at but also kinda understood – being out in sports was still a novelty and a risk).

It didn’t hurt him any more, not really. It was more like a sting that he got used to. The lovers that leave us would always hold a place and Nick held a special one in his heart because that first love had been something else.

“Did you know that Nicholas Nelson came out as bi?”
Michaels voice pulled Charlie out of his thoughts and he had to clear his throat before saying that yes, he did know that.
Tori rolled her eyes and tapped on Michaels forehead with her index finger. “Michael, that kid is literally the most famous person this joke of a town has ever been the home of. Of course everyone around here know that he came out as bi! Especially my brother because they were dating for like four years and I know for a fact that Charlie still stalks his Instagram every now and then.”

“Hey now! How would you know if I stalked anyone’s Instagram?” Charlie furrowed his brows and his cheeks did not turn pink, that was just the warmth of the room after being out in the cold December air. Tori raised an eyebrow and Michael was looking back and forth between them.

“You do know that you can see when people you follow like or comment posts, right? I saw you commenting a lame combination of emojis on his coming out post.”

- “It wasn’t lame! It was some raised hands and thumbs up, it was meant to be supportive!”
“Nobody our age uses the thumbs up emoji, especially not the default yellow one!”
- “What’s wrong with that? Emojis are for all age groups as far as I’m informed.”

“Not that one! It made it look like a comment from someone’s mum!”

- “Our mum would never …”

 

Charlie stopped mid-sentence. Their banter was about to drift somewhere he didn’t wanna go and Tori seemed to feel the same because she made a point of looking somewhere else and taking a loud sip from her iced tea. Michael tussled his own hair and muttered something about dinner before leaving the room to go to the kitchen.
The headphones on Charlies shoulders were still blaring music into the now silent living room.
“… rather be alone, than end up inside a home, like the one I come from.”

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Tonight Alive - Bathwater
Maria Mena - Where I Come From

Chapter 2

Notes:

thank you for the comments on the first chapter!
this time you'll finally be introduced to our all time favourite lesbians - Tara and Darcy <3

Nicks head hurt and he could barely concentrate on his managers voice.

“No partying, no going out, understood?”
He let out the weakest laugh because where would he even go in his home town? Attending a foam party at the bowling alley? Putting out some moves by the trailer that sold milkshakes? Nick didn’t even know is that trailer still existed but now he was craving a bubblegum milkshake.

His manager was still talking from the phone.
“I know this is hard, Nelson. Me and the PR team are working on getting the spotlight off you and security will make sure that no one harasses you or you mother at her house, okay? Call me when you need to, otherwise I will give you some space and call you when we figured out a plan.”

Nick thanked him and hung up, now the car engine was the only sound he could hear.
Otis, his security man, was driving in silence but it didn’t feel weird. Being in sports was tough even when you weren’t currently involved in some bi-saster and Nick was well aware that he could be grateful for even being able to come out.
He kinda slipped back into the closet when he when off to university. No, that wasn’t true – he slipped back when he and his first boyfriend broke it off.

Charlie Spring had not only been his bisexual awakening, he had also been the reason for his very first real heartbreak. It wasn’t a spectacular break up just the long distance tearing them apart over months until it felt like that that distance was constantly between them even when they were actually together. Their beginning had been something out of a movie but movies rarely tell you what happens after the happy end.

Were Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy still happy twenty years later? Did Johnny and Baby make it into their nineties as a happy couple? Were Sandy and Danny still in love? (And where did they even go with that flying car? Nick still thinks the ending was bullshit but he knows the lyrics to “You’re the one that I want” by heart.)

 

After their break up Nick had been focusing on rugby – and had Tara delete his playlist called “break up songs to scream while you’re crying” – and when he got signed to the London Falcons he was so happy and proud that just for a second he wanted to call Charlie and tell him the news.

He came out to his teammates when they were chilling at Christians house, playing video games and no, not getting drunk, their cups were filled with some protein shakes and they were snacking nut bars because that’s what rugby players do.
They were choosing their characters to play and Nick was complaining that all female characters’ amour was a joke compared to their male counterparts.
“You can’t go to battle in a fricking bikini top,” he had whined and Sai had laughed at him and asked “Are you gay or something?”
Nick hat then told them that he was in fact bisexual and he would not be putting up with anyone’s shit. The room had been silent for a second before Sai apologised. “I’m sorry Nick, that was a stupid thing of me to say. The team I played in before had a really bad habit of making such comments and I am still working on unlearning that.”
The whole team had then sworn to destroy the image of toxic masculinity and they set the seal to their promise by downing celery shots which made them twist their faces as if it’d been vodka.

 

Being out to his teammates was one thing but Nick had quickly learned that his team was an exception. Other teams would use slurs without blinking an eye and spit out the word “gay” in a way that made it sound like a disease.
You couldn’t exactly start a conversation on the pitch about how words can hurt and sexual orientation wasn’t a joke. Nick learned to put on a hardness with his rugby tee but when he was off the field he was back to being the kind man everyone admired.
The press promptly began to speculate whether his in game persona with the stern eyes was his real personality and if he was only putting on the sweet smile as a show but after a couple of interviews and social media posts by fans who had met him the whole country knew – Nicholas Nelson was the sweetheart of rugby that could totally kill you as soon as he put on his game face.
People loved stories like that and from then on there wasn’t any news article that talked badly about him. He could go out and kiss five different girls at a bar and every single one of them would only gush about how polite and good-hearted he was.
But now he had been kissing guys and suddenly he was framed as a player. Weren’t double standards a wonderful thing?

 

Nick fell asleep in the car eventually and Otis had to wake him up when they arrived at his childhood home. He had bought the house when he got his first pay check as a rugby player. David had sneered at that but he was even more of a twat since Nick earned more money than him.
He once was worried that his older brother would go to the press someday and tell them about him being bisexual but David had never really believed him anyway and for once had held his mouth shut.

 

The house looked smaller than in his mind and also a little lonely but maybe that was just him projecting his own mood on his surroundings.

He got out of the car and just as he dragged his bag over his left shoulder, the front door opened up and Sarah Nelsons smile made some of the tension in his body fly away. He was home.

 

When his mother hugged him, he could finally let go of the rest of the tension he was still holding. The Nelson family was good at giving hugs. Sarahs’ hugs weren’t like Nicks’ – while he kind of swallowed his counterpart in his arms, she was more gentle and kind of holding him up. He had really needed that. “Hi Nicky,” she whispered in his hair and suddenly he wished he wasn’t as tall because he just wanted to fold into himself and be held.

They were then interrupted by two dogs that demanded immediate attention. Nellie was an old lady by now but she rubbed her head firmly against Nicks legs. Henry was jumping up and down with excitement and Nick quickly bend down to pet the younger dog. “Who’s a good boy? And who’s the best girl?” he asked them while trying to pet them but both dogs just tried to lick all over his face.

He grinned and his cheeks hurt a bit like they weren’t used to that kind of motion any more.

“Henry is a right menace since he had surgery,” his mum laughed and picked up the pug that now tried to kiss her face as well. “So his breathing got better, yeah?” Nick asked and guided Nellie to the door with his mother following him, Henry still in her arms.

“Yes, fortunately. I really don’t know what made me adopt a dog breed that barely has any snout! I read a lot about brachycephaly these past months and I wish I had done that years ago. But he is better now and can finally run around for more than ten seconds without panting.”

 

Not much later they were sitting in the kitchen, Otis, his mum and Nick himself. Otis had tried to decline but Sarah had insisted to make him a cup of tea and Nick honestly didn’t mind. In the beginning he had laughed at the idea of having a security man follow him and protect him – he was in the gym nearly every day, he could defend himself when necessary. But soon Otis had become more like a friend. A friend that could, would and actually did pull him out of a mob of fans and paparazzi more than once. Someone who was always level headed and didn’t feel sorry for turning down fans that just wanted a picture or an autograph while Nick still had a hard time saying no when he knew that these people had waited outside a hotel for hours only to see him for a second.

As he was drinking his tea, listening to Otis and his mum chat about the upcoming holidays, he gazed around the kitchen. There was tape clinging to some of the cupboards and a can of paint on the floor suggested that his mum was about to paint the kitchen a new colour.
She was still working as a nurse but was able to reduce the amount of hours she worked in a week. At first she had felt uncomfortable with taking money from her son but Nick had convinced her that he had far more money than he needed and that he was more than happy to give her some if it meant she was able to cut back on working hours.

His mum had used her new free time to renovate the house room by room and apparently she was now taking on the kitchen. Nick wondered which colour she had picked.

 

Otis left after another cup of tea, he stayed in an apartment across the street and would probably report to Nicks manager that he had brought him home safely.

“Nicky,” Sarah said and looked at her son, her hand reaching over the table to get a hold of his fingers that had been tapping on the light wood in a frantic beat. “Hey, would you look at me?”

Nick lifted his gaze and when he met his mothers eyes he felt tears prickling in the corner of his eyes. He swallowed hard, wasn’t entirely sure if he would be able to talk or if his voice would just break.

 

“Maybe it was a mistake,” he said and the words felt wrong because how could being himself ever be a mistake? But the question was drifting around in his head since the first nasty headlines had popped up about him. He wished he could be stronger, laughing it all off and being a real hero for the LGBTQ+ community but no, here he was, wishing he was still denying who he really was.

These thoughts made him feel even worse.

 

“I get that you may think that right now, honey,” his mother said and her fingers tightened around his hand. She was the only person he could really trust with his thoughts, he hadn’t even told Tara or Darcy about them. They were both so unapologetically themselves, so confident and sure and proud in a way that was almost intimidating at times. When he had told them about his plans to come out they had been ecstatic, Darcy had begun planning a big “sexuality reveal party” and looking up a shop for party supplies online (“It’ll be like a gender reveal and there will be little bi pride flags falling down, this is gonna be epic!”).

 

Sarah gave his hand a small squeeze and continued, “All your thoughts and feelings right now are valid. This situation is … it’s not something anyone should have to go through. But you’re here now and you can rest. I can tell that you’re tired.”
He really was. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly for the past two weeks, first he was riding the high of finally coming out only to be pulled back onto the harsh and dirty ground when the media had started their shit show about him.

 

“Do you wanna go up to your room?” Sarah asked but Nick shook his head.

“I think I’m gonna nap on the sofa. I don’t wanna be myself in a quiet room,” he told her and she hummed knowingly. He had done that when he was younger and came down with the flu or something else. He would build himself a little cocoon on the sofa, listening to the comfortable sounds of a person he loved just minding their business, shuffling around in the kitchen, opening drawers, clattering with some pots and pans, the sound of paws roaming around. It had been soothing when he was a kid, making him fall sound asleep even when his mind was heavy with thought and hopefully it would have the same effect now.

 

Nestled up with two blankets and Henry plumped down at his feet, Nick closed his eyes.

Sarah started painting the cupboards in the kitchen, the colour was called Sunshine Ray, the radio on low and sometimes singing along. Every now and then she went to take a look at her son in the living room.

He looked peaceful in his sleep and even though the reason for his visit wasn’t a pleasant one, she was glad to have him here. He was always so busy during rugby season that she didn’t get to see him often. It had been ages since she had seen her boy sleeping like this on that old but comfy sofa. She couldn’t quite remember the last time. It must have been before he moved out … and before he had met his first boyfriend, Charlie. As soon as that curly haired boy was part of his live, he spent sick days in his room, listening to Charlie over the phone or, even more often, the younger boy would visit even when Nick was sick and they’d stay in bed together or Charlie would be doing his homework on the floor, Nick sleeping on the bed.
She wondered what this situation would be like if Nick still had someone special in his life but there hadn’t been anyone he introduced to her, not since Charlie.

 

The radio played a soft tune from the kitchen as Sarah picked up the brush again, yellow paint dripping down.

“… in all your blame, in all your pain, I will carry you always.”

 

-

 

The next day, Charlie was drumming out a beat with his index fingers on the kitchen table, silently forming words with his mouth. He was working on a new song and the bridge just didn’t come together. He had tried arranging the words differently but it never fully fit the beat and he was getting a bit annoyed. Okay, maybe that was an understatement because Charlie had been in a kind of songwriting slump for months now and every piece of music he put out just felt shallow.

He needed his keyboard but since he had gotten here by train, he couldn’t take it with him. He had asked Tao if he could bring it to him when he’d be driving home for Christmas since he and Elle would use their car but they wouldn’t be here for another four days.

 

When he started university, he had studied maths for a whole year before finally admitting that it just wasn’t for him. His parents were disappointed when he told them, it actually caused quite the argument between him and his mother but it had been the right decision.

His teenage self would have never believed it if he’d told him how strong would be in the future. Not strong as in having lots of muscles and lifting heavy stuff – strong as in being able to stand up for himself and his wants and needs. Strong as in asking for more help after he’d finished school and taking his time in therapy to talk about his parents, the trauma back in high school, the break up, how scared he was of what was yet to come.

Moving to London was the biggest leap he had ever taken and when he stood in his new room in the tiny students flat for the first time he couldn’t hold back a tear but then Tao had come in with one of Charlies’ boxes in his hands, setting it down in the empty room and smiling because he was finally gonna live together with his best friend!

In university he finally got the school experience he had missed at Truham – the first week with more pub crawls than he could handle and the warm feeling when he’d told his course mates that he wouldn’t join them every night, staying in with Tao and Elle instead and still being part of his classes and making friends with new people who didn’t know anything about him. Oh the joy of meeting people who didn’t know him as the kid that got outed, the weird outsider, the one who surely couldn’t be good enough to be dating one of the popular guys, the one with the mental health issues. To be able to dictate how people saw him himself and not being outnumbered by the prejudices.

 

Charlie was studying music for two years now and after winter break they’d start working on a musical – A Midsummer Night’s Dream with a twist.
Right now he was working on his own songs, just for fun – or for frustration because he was still stuck on that fricking bridge!

 

Charlie took his phone, about to scroll through his Instagram feed to waste time when his sister came into the kitchen, brows furrowed and her lips pressed together into a thin line.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. The look of concern on his sisters face made him feel uneasy

“You won’t be happy to see this,” Tori answered and sat across from him at the table. “So, you know how everyone is going nuts about Nick Nelson coming out as bi, right?”

Now Charlie furrowed his brows as well.

“Yeah, it must be really shitty for him,” he answered, still confused on what his sister would tell him next.

Tori tapped away on her smartphone before looking him directly in the eyes. Her eyes were just as blue as his own, maybe a hint darker.

“Some journalists dug through his past and, I’m really sorry Charlie, they found you.”
“What do you mean, they found me?” Charlie asked dumbfounded. Him and Nick hadn’t been in touch since they broke up almost four years ago.

Tori shoved her phone in front of his face and it took a minute before he could actually understand the words that were written across the screen.

 

“Past relationship revealed – get an exclusive look at the newly emerged pictures of our favourite rugby star in his teens with his boyfriend!”

 

Underneath the headline was a blurry picture of Nick and Charlie, standing side by side in their matching rugby uniforms from Truham High, grinning towards the camera. It must have been a team photo but the rest of the guys had been cropped out.

Charlie took the phone into his shaking hands and started to read the article.

 

“An old high school friend of rugby star Nicholas Nelson, who has come out as bisexual merely weeks ago, has told us all about the sweet romance that took part when Nicholas was sweet sixteen. The strawberry blonde boy was – according to his former close friend Ben Hope – in a long-term relationship with another boy from his school. They even played in the same rugby team as seen in the picture above.

‘They were attached at the hip’ Hope tells us. But who is the guy that stole Nelsons heart when he was only a teenager?”

 

There was another picture of them, standing in the hallways of their old school. It was grainy as if someone had zoomed in on them a bit too much but you could still see them holding hands.

Charlie shook his head, he didn’t want to read any further but he couldn’t stop.

 

“Ben Hope tells us about the adorable pair that he knew back in high school.

‘We were really good friends’”

 

A throaty laugh left Charlies’ mouth. Him and Ben Hope – friends? He couldn’t make up any alternate universe in which this statement was true.

 

“‘Charlie Spring was a bit of an outcast, not very good at rugby. But he was absolutely smitten with Nick. Everyone thought Nick was going out with him as a joke at first, maybe out of pity. But I always knew they were a great couple’ Hope tells us further.”

 

Charlie felt like throwing the smartphone at the kitchen door. How could Ben fucking Hope go up to whatever journalist was willing to pay the most money and just spread these lies? Memories began creeping into his head, visions of people sneering at him, whispering and laughing, Ben Hope kissing him in the library and his cruel smile whenever he saw Charlie in the hallways.

Tori tried to pick the phone from his hands but Charlie stopped her, he needed to know what else the press thought to know about him.

 

A third picture showed them at Charlies graduation party. They looked so young and proper in their suits – black for Charlie, a navy coloured one for Nick -, smiling at each other. Nick had an arm slung around his waist, hand resting comfortably on Charlies waist. He looked proud.

 

“The pair broke up after Nelson left for university. Our research shows that Charlie Spring, who is two years younger than Nelson, is currently studying music in London.
Nelson hasn’t been in a public relationship since signing with the London Falcons but he was seen with different girls – and newly, guys! - at various night clubs. Might this be the reason for the break up with his high school love? Or was he just trying to mend hind broken heart?

To the question if Hope is still in contact with any of the guys he says ‘Nick has changed at lot since he became more popular, I miss our friendship. Charlie never really got over him, we still talk on the phone regularly.’”

 

“I am going to murder him,” Charlie spat out, his fingers holding so tightly to the phone the skin on his knuckles turned white.

“Good,” Tori said and carefully pried her smartphone out of his grip. “I watched enough true crime documentaries, I know how to hide a body.”

Charlie believed his sister completely.

“I don’t think Michael would be a good confidant but Tao is picking up some body bags on his way.”

- “You talked to Tao?”

“He was the one who send me the article. He didn’t want you finding out without someone next to you.”

Charlie might not always be very good at picking out dates (Ben fucking Hope was the very best example of this … and Nick Nelson the biggest exception) but he sure was good at picking out friends.

 

He grabbed his own phone, tried to turn off fly mode and started some music by accident.
“…apologize or die, you’d choose the latter not the right to be a decent human being just for once.”

Notes:

our boys have yet to talk to each other - guess you'll have to wait for the next chapter haha

songs mentioned:
Novo Amor - Carry You
Set It Off - Projector

Chapter 3

Notes:

are they finally gonna meet????? well ... you better read it to find out!

For almost twenty-four hours, Nick had felt fine.

He had turned his phone off and buried it on the bottom of his bag, put on a sweater he had forgotten after his last visit that smelled like the detergent his mum always used and he had avoided any news channels on the TV. He and his mum had watched the first move of Pirates of The Caribbean, baked cupcakes with an enormous amount of sugar and it had been easier to breathe.

 

But just when Nick was coating the cupboards in the kitchen in another layer of yellow paint, some playlist from his mums Spotify account playing from the speakers, Otis had rung the door bell and silently held out his phone. It was Nicks manager.

 

“Nick, I couldn’t reach you on your phone. You probably turned it off which I can fully understand but I need to be able to call you. We’ll get you another phone with a new number, no social media apps, just really close contacts, okay? Here’s the thing: Some guy from your old school talked to an online newspaper.” Nicks head started hurting immediately, something in his throat was sealed shut and he felt like he was breathing through a straw.

“He said he was a friend of yours but I highly doubt that, a friend wouldn’t go around and gossip about your past relationship. Do you know some dude named Ben Hope?”

 

Nick nodded then realised that his manager couldn’t see him. “Yes, I know him. We’ve never been friends.” His manager made an affirmative sound. Suddenly something ins Nicks brain clicked.

“Wait! He talked about past relationships?! Did he … did he mention … ?”

He couldn’t finish his question, the name was stuck in his throat. When Ben had mentioned Charlie in that interview, the whole world would know his name and probably chase him down like they had done it to Nick after his coming out.

That could not be real! What if they were harassing Charlie right now while he was standing around in his mums kitchen, mouth open in shock and disbelief. He felt the urgent need to protect Charlie from whatever was coming his way, it was rising in his chest and made his vision go slightly red.

 

“He mentioned a name, yes. Wait a second, I’m gonna … the name’s Charlie Spring. Does that ring a bell?”

Did it ring a bell? More like standing right next to Big Ben when it struck twelve o’ clock. Something like a whimper escaped his mouth before he could stop himself.

“We can hardly deny it since they also got some pictures and these are spread all over the internet by now. The interview wasn’t even that negative but then some people started asking if you broke that poor boys heart and then it was all about that nasty player image again.”

 

Nick heard his manager promising him that they’d find a way to deal with the situation but he wasn’t really listening any more. All he could think about was Charlie and how he must be feeling right now. Being thrown out in the public by a man that had hurt him terribly when they were younger, probably getting a thousand messages and calls. Nick hoped that Charlie wasn’t alone right now, that he was with friends who held him tight and prevented him from spiraling.
Nick really had no clue what Charlie was up to, where he lived and what had happened to his old group of friends. Surely he was still friends with Tao, right? He could imagine Tao already plotting how to hide Bens body and he would gladly help him with that.

 

“Otis, I need a new phone,” he said to his security man when he had hung up. Otis pulled another smartphone from one of the pocket in his black jacket as if he had one with him all the time, just waiting until one of his clients needed a back-up.

“Ehm … I didn’t mean like right now, but thanks,” Nick said and Otis just shrugged. “I can send you the contacts you need, you don’t have to turn on your phone. Christian and Sai, right?” Otis said while already typing away on his phone. The new mobile in Nicks hand buzzed two times.

“Do you want to read the article?” Otis asked, his head slightly leaning to the side.

He knew Nick well enough.

“Yes, I think … I think I have to,” Nick answered.

“Fine, I’ll send you some screenshots but don’t go and google it, okay? You don’t need to read all the garbage they are putting out there.”

 

Nick read the interview Ben had given, anger forming a tight knot in his stomach. How could someone be to fucking spiteful? Running to the media as soon as he scented his chance to cause more trouble even though it was years ago that they had so much as even seen each other.

Really, he would have pity for him (how sad must Bens life be when he felt the need to prattle about some guys that used to dislike him in high school for all sakes) if he weren’t so busy visualizing punching that wanker in his stupid face.

 

The only interesting thing from that article was the fact that Charlie was apparently living in London. And studying music, like he had always wanted. Nick looked at the pictures that accompanied the text and he wondered if Charlie was still wearing his hair like that, curls flopping everywhere. Gosh, they had been so young. And so in love.

He really needed to talk to Charlie, make sure he was fine – well, maybe not fine but at least somehow okay.

“Otis, do you think you can find out Charlies number?” he asked the man that was still standing with him in the small kitchen. “I see what I can do,” Otis answered and was back to his phone, already dialling a number.

 

Just in that moment the front door opened and Sarah came into the kitchen, two heavy bags full of groceries in her arms. “The lady at the bakery actually asked if I could get you to mention her shop on Instagram, can you believe it? The nerve of some people, I …” She stopped talking as soon as she saw her sons face, almost dropping the bags she was carrying.

“What happened?” she asked, moving towards him, eyes wide.

“They found out about Charlie,” Nick said with a low voice and watched Sarahs face fall, her mouth forming a silent Oh.

 

The music was still playing from the speakers as Nick fell into the arms of his mum.
“… don’t wanna cry but I break that way. Cold sheets, oh, where’s my love?”

 

-

 

Charlie didn’t want to pick up the phone. It had been ringing for the fourth time now, some unknown number – how the hell did these journalists get his number? He balled his hands into fists and pressed them against his temples.

The ringing stopped for a second but started again immediately and Tori had have enough of it.

 

“Leave. Us. Alone!” she growled into the phone before her face suddenly fell into an expression of shock. Charlie looked up to her through his lashes.

“Oh, I didn’t think … I’m not sure if he …” Toris voice was quieter now, she looked over to Charlie but he couldn’t really read her face. “Okay,” she muttered quietly, giving in to the person on the other side of the line which was so unusual for her that Charlie was a bit scared when she handed him his phone.
She tucked on Michaels sleeve, who had come home a short while ago and was about to fix them a cup of tea, pulling him out of the kitchen, throwing cautious looks towards her brother.

 

Charlie held the phone to his ear, not sure what to say so he just breathed and hoped whoever was on the line would take the first step.

“Charlie?” a familiar voice asked.

 

When was the last time he heard that voice? Not in an interview on a sports show he accidentally saw when zapping through the channels on the TV. When was the last time he heard that voice directly talking to him? Saying his name?

He couldn’t really remember their last conversation, it was all a blur of tears in a stairway, the smell of weed from another apartment, untied shoes and almost tripping on his shoe laces and a cars’ doors closing too loudly.

But now there it was – a voice on the phone, sounding a bit lower than he remembered, hoarse like the person had just stopped crying.

 

“Hi,” was all Charlie could say and he flinched because hadn’t that been like their thing? This dumb little greeting usually accompanied by a dimply smile. He had taken to saying Hey or Hello rather than Hi after … well, after them.

 

“Charlie, I am so sorry. So fucking sorry, I don’t …”

Nick sounded like he was almost in tears again and Charlie wasn’t even sure if it talking to him right now made the whole thing better or worse but he kept the phone pressed to his ear, waiting.

“They know that you live in London, I’m not sure if they know which university you go to. Maybe you’ll need security, the paparazzi can get -”

“Wait. I’m not in London, I’m … hold on for a minute!” Charlie tried to interrupt Nick but the other man was still going on, saying sorry after every other sentence.

Charlie cried out, “Nick!”

 

Suddenly it was silent and for a second Charlie thought that he had accidentally pressed the red button and hung up. “Nick?” he asked again.
“Yeah?” was the timid answer.

“I’m not in London right now. I’m at home. I mean,” Charlie was starting to get nervous, his right leg bouncing up and down faster and faster, “I’m at Toris and Michaels right now. I don’t think that people would drive all the way here to … stalk me?” He ended his sentence with a question mark, not sure if that was the right way to put it.

“You’re here?” Nick sounded stunned.

“Ahm …,” Charlie was getting confused now, “I am here but like, where are you, what does here even mean?” Gosh, he couldn’t believe himself. Why did Nick still turn him into a gibberish-talking mess just like he did when they were teenagers?

“I am at my mums,” Nick said and the knowledge that they were both in the same town, merely some streets apart, made Charlies heart skip a beat.

“I’m at Toris,” he repeated and then felt dumb because he had already said that. His leg was still pouncing and he had also started to bite the nails of the hand that was not currently clutching the phone as if it was something keeping him alive.

“Maybe you could co-” Charlie was already on his feet, his chair almost falling over. “Yes,” he said hastily and it felt like he was finally acknowledging the hook that had been sitting inside his chest for years because he finally knew where it was pulling him to.

 

He didn’t stop to tie his converse just shoved the laces inside the shoes, Tori was screaming after him but he was already out the door. His legs were doing a weird not-walking-any-more-not-yet-sprinting thing and he didn’t have to look where he was going because that damned rusty hook was finally attached to a rope and someone was pulling him in. Maybe this was just him being foolish (again) and maybe this was him running towards a person he didn’t know any more (again), that would hurt him (again) and maybe he didn’t care.

As he was running-walking-going, his mind presented him a song he used to hear on repeat. His footsteps didn’t match the beat but the words were still loud in his head.

“… I will follow you into the dark.”

Notes:

should I be sorry to end the chapter at this point? probably
gonna post the next one in a couple of days, so stay tuned! :)

songs mentioned:
SYML - Where's My Love
Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Chapter 4

Notes:

yessss, they're finally meeting in this one!

Nick was pacing back and forth from the kitchen to the front door. How long would Charlie need to get here? He didn’t know where Tori and Michael lived but he knew that Charlie was fast.

Should he hug him when he opened the door? Shake his hand? Nick looked down at his hands which didn’t feel like the belonged to him at all. What was he even wearing? He had put on some weird combo of an old orange tee that had been worn thin and a pair of grey pyjama pants that actually belonged to his mum that he had only borrowed because she wanted to get them rid them anyway and didn’t mind if they got paint all over them.

 

He sprinted up the stairs to change his clothes and the bell rang just as he pulled a blue sweater over his head. He heard Sarah opening the door and almost fell down the stairs on his back down.

There he was – Charlie Spring, still wearing tight black jeans and a too big sweater like he didn’t change at all in the past four years. His curls were longer though and as Nick got closer, he noticed that Charlie didn’t hunch his shoulders like he used to.

His face was flushed, shoe laces spilling out of his black converse and looking like a deer staring at some headlights.

 

“Come in Charlie,” said Sarah and closed the door behind the young man, throwing a quick glance up to her son. “I’ll put on the kettle, maybe you can talk in the living room.”

Nick and Charlie both nodded and suddenly Nick was heavily aware of the few paint strokes on his hands and how his hair must be sticking up in every direction. He tried to flatten it with his hand.

“Hi,” he said and hated that his voice was still sounding like it would break every minute.

“Hel- hi,” Charlie answered and stared directly at him.

 

Nick was now standing just a few steps away from the man that he’d known so well and knew nothing about now. How do you treat a person that you had only ever held close, hugged, kissed, loved? How do you treat someone like an acquaintance when you had only ever treated them like they were the north star, the one fixed point when everything was constantly changing – until that fixed point had vanished and everything fell apart?

 

“Should we … uhm, living room?” Nick uttered and gestured into the vague direction of the door behind him. Charlie quickly slipped out of his shoes and why did it feel like a sting that he put them next to the shoe rack when he used to have his own space there?

 

They went into the living room, hands in their pockets, Charlie looking at the new furniture and Nick looking at Charlie.

“It looks nice,” said Charlie. “I bought the house,” said Nick and felt dumb because yeah, telling your ex-boyfriend who just got involved in your personal drama that you were kinda rich was a bit of a dick move. “My mum is renovating the whole thing,” he added.

“Is that why you got paint on your face?” Charlie asked and his lips turned into the tiniest smile.

Nicks hands rushed to his face and now Charlie left out a small laugh, probably because he had seen Nicks paint smeared hands. How could he keep making him laugh, keep him making that sweet sound that sounded familiar and new at the same time.

 

“You look good.” The words escaped Nicks mouth before he could stop them. He really did not mean to say that! Sure, he was thinking it the whole time since Charlie stepped into the house but it that thought was supposed to stay inside his head. It did make Charlie smile again but this smile didn’t seem as natural.

“You too,” the younger man responded and quickly glanced from Nicks wild hair to his sweater, his dirty hands and down to his mismatched socks.

 

Seriously, when was the last time they had ever feel so incredibly awkward around each other?
Nick cleared his throat and said, “I’m really glad that you’re here and again, I am so sorry for -”

Charlie stopped him. “It used to be me who over-apologised, right? Maybe you’d beat me in a competition now.”

- “A competition in over-apologising?”

“Yeah, we’d be pretty good at that, I guess.”

Nick was confused and relieved at the same time because frivolous banter was something he could do.

“I’ve been working on my skills pretty hard actually,” he said with a smile.

- “Oh please, I’ve been practising since I was five!”

“What could a five year old even over-apologise for?”

- “Uhm, everything Tori did, basically?”

They were both laughing now because of course they were, of course it was easy talking to each other despite not seeing each other for years, despite being ex-boyfriends because this was Charlie and Nick, right?

 

The standard ring tone of an iPhone interrupted them, it was coming from the back pocket of Nicks jeans. He looked at the screen and seeing the number of his manager made him choke on his laugh.

“Sorry, I need to take this,” he said and walked over to the other side of the room before taking the call.

 

“Nick? I think we worked something out. It’s a bold move but it could work. Have you contacted Charlie Spring?” his manager asked and Nick looked over to where Charlie was standing. Sarah entered the room, two steaming mugs in her hands and Charlie was quick to take one from her.

“Yes,” Nick said, “he is … he is here actually.” He wasn’t sure if his manager would be happy to hear this. Maybe the ‘bold move’ was to cut Charlie out of his life completely, denying every being in a relationship with him. What would he say if they asked this of him?

“Oh, that’s good. That is very good,” said his manager and Nick let out a small sigh.

“I didn’t expect that but it’s good, yeah. I will call you back in ten minutes, is that alright Nick?” the man asked and Nick said that it was.

“Keep Charlie around, it’ll be easier if I talk to both of you at the same time,” his manager said and had hung up before Nick could respond.

 

He pocketed his phone and turned to Charlie, who was perched at the edge of a chair, looking uncomfortable again.

Nick walked over to him, sat down and picked up one of the mugs.

“That was my manager,” he said, “He calling back in a bit and he asked you to stay here because, well, this is about you too.” He took a sip to avoid looking at Charlie and regretted it as soon as the too hot liquid touched his tongue.

“Is it okay that I’m here? Is it, like, is it allowed?”
Charlie sounded scared and now Nick did look at him. “It’s fine! Good, even! He said it’s a good thing,” he said quickly, wanting to reassure the other man but Charlie didn’t seem convinced.

“Really, Char, he said it’s fine.”

Almost – he almost reached out to Charlies hands that were laced tight on the table.

Charlie visibly relaxed, sitting back on the chair and finally reaching for the other cup of tea in front of him.

 

They sat like this for a little while before Charlie spoke again. “I haven’t been called that in a while,” he said with a small smile tugging at his lips.

Only then did Nick realise that he had used the old nickname for the other man. He smiled too.

Through the wall they could hear Sarah roaming around in the kitchen, humming along to a song on the radio.

“I can finally see you’re as fucked up as me so how do we win?”

 

-

 

The manager that had called Nick earlier took his time.

They had emptied their tea, Nick shyly asking questions and answering some in return.

 

‘So, Tori and Michael are still together?’ - Yes.
‘You’re studying music?’ - Yes.

‘Still playing the drums?’ - Not as much but occasionally, got more into the piano.

‘You live in London?’ - Yes, sharing a flat with Tao.

‘You still don’t like bubblegum milkshakes?’ - No, just like any sane person!

 

‘Who’s that strict looking guy who almost stopped me on my way to your house’ – That’s Otis, my security man.

‘Where does the paint come from?’ – Mum is painting the kitchen and I helped her.

‘How was rugby season?’ - Good.

‘You still pretend that you like bubblegum milkshakes?’ - They are delicious!

 

Now they were sitting in silence, taking glances at each other, not sure what to talk about beside some small talk.

“We could watch some TV,” Nick suggested and gestured to the sofa, a blush creeping up his neck as soon as he closed his mouth.

“Uhm, sure. Just maybe no news channels or anything that might involve …” Charlie let the sentence unfinished, he wasn’t ready to address the elephant in the room just yet.

“The history channel should be safe, I think,” Nick said and Charlie followed him to the sofa where they sat down on opposite ends.

Charlie would usually tuck his knees in, turning himself into a kidney shaped figure, preferably covered in some blankets but now he was sitting there stiffly. Nick wasn’t any better, he turned on the TV and switched to the history channel where they showed a documentary about the Hindenburg.

 

After a while Charlie tucked in one knee because it was more comfortable.

 

Later Nick handed him a blanket and Charlie wrapped himself up in the soft fabric as the Hindenburg burst into flames on the screen.

 

At one point Nick shifted around, relaxed into the cushions, now sitting near the middle of the sofa while they listened to the live radio reporting of the crashing airship.

 

When the credits rolled to a punk rock song, Charlies feet were resting on Nicks lap. They hadn’t exchanged a word.

“… caught the eye of the world as their hopes and dreams took fire right before their eyes.”

 

-

The sound of his ringing phone caught Nicky surprise. Instantly, he sat upright and Charlie scampered out of his blanket cocoon and looked terribly cute with his wild curls and his warm, red cheeks and also terribly anxious.

 

“Nicholas,” his manager greeted him, “is Charlie still with you? I’m sorry but we had a little … let’s call it a debate and it took longer than I expected. Would you put me on speaker please so Charlie can hear me too?”

Nick did as he was told and Charlie looked as if he was about to be sick.

“You’re on speaker now,” Nick said.

“Great! Hello Charlie, I’m sorry that we get to know each other in troublesome situation.”

Charlie shot Nick a panicked look before responding with a short Hello.

“You have probably already talked about the whole situation,” the manager continued and Nick pulled a grimace because really, they had avoided it at all costs.

“Me and the PR team have a suggestion, well it’s a bit of an unusual one but you know what they say about desperate times. So here’s the thing – we analysed a bunch of articles and posts on social media about the two of you and apparently a good percentage of people seem to respond positively to seeing old pictures of you and reading about your relationship.”

 

It was bizarre to think that people from the PR team had probably made pie charts about what random strangers on the internet thought about pictures of them that were published without any consent. Nick couldn’t sense where this conversation was going but he could see Charlie twisting in his seat.
“When it comes to the breakup the public tends to react more negative. And we already knew that they also reacted even more badly to this one evening at the bar.”

Nick looked over to Charlie – had the younger boy seen the articles calling him a playboy? He really hoped that he had not.

“So, to get Nicks reputation back on track we thought it would be a good idea if he was seen more frequently with the same person, show the public he’s open for commitment and a relationship.”

Nick did not like this. He didn’t like being talked about as if he wasn’t literally being the one on the phone right now and he also didn’t like Charlie hear about any plans to get him fake-dating some stranger!

“This is when we started thinking about you, Charlie.”

 

The wires in Nicks brain short-circuited.

That was not what he had expected – not that he could have told anyone what he was expecting at all but this idea was the embodiment of madness.

“Uhm,” was all he could say.
“Uhm,” was – apparently – all Charlie could say, too.

“You don’t have decide right now. Think about it, though. I’ll call you tomorrow, Nick!” said the manager before ending the call. Nick and Charlie were still staring at the phone.

 

“You absolutely don’t have to do this.” Nick was finally able to think and talk again and he turned to Charlie, desperately wishing he could look inside the other mans head.

“What happens if I don’t?”

“They will find someone else, I guess.”

“Someone to set you up with?”

“Probably. Going on a few dates, maybe to some public events, anything to get paparazzi take some pictures and curating good press.”

“Is this, like, a thing? Something that happens regularly?”

“I know two people who have done it. It’s not an everyday thing but it’s not that stranger either.”

 

Charlie started biting his lower lip.

Nick thought about the two people he knew that had been told to fake date someone by their PR team. One was an actress who had to date her co-star to push an upcoming movie and the other had been a rugby player from another team who had wanted to come out as gay. The management of that man had pulled everything they could do make him seem straight and Nick had been scared that he’d have to endure something like that but he was fortunate enough to not be signed with such a shit team. The rugby player had retired early and strayed from the spotlight to finally live his life in freedom. Charlies voice caught Nick off guard.

 

“Would you rather it be me or a stranger?”

Charlie looked at him, looked directly into his eyes and Nicks mouth went dry.

Suddenly his head was filled with images from his memory. Him and Charlie going to the beach, sitting in a park for a picnic, going to a concert and dancing like crazy. Him picking Charlie up from home to take the other boy to his graduation party, taking silly pictures of the two of them all dressed up in their suits, pulling him in at his tie to give him a peck on the lips. Showing him around campus, sharing popcorn at the cinema, spending hours at a book store.

Maybe they would do it all again. No, they would probably go to expensive restaurants now, go to a movie premiere, visit an art exhibition and a charity gala – anything that involved photographers shoving their cameras into their faces. And still, wouldn’t it feel easier if it was Charlie? Someone who knew how to actually make him smile, someone he could trust and probably talk shit with about whatever even they had to attend, sneaking off as soon as possible?

 

“You can tell me if you don’t want it to be me. I understand that, it would probably be awkward anyway,” said Charlie and was about to get up, completely misinterpreting Nicks silence.
“Wait!” Nick said, stood up and reached for his hand, a reflex, his fingers closing around the cold fingers of the younger man who looked down at their hands now.

“I would want it to be you. Of course I would! I don’t want anyone else.” Nick listened to his own words and noticed how they could be interpreted in a wrong way. “For pretending!” he added quickly.

 

Charlie was still looking at their hands which none of them had separated. The dry paint was crumbling off of Nicks skin and on the top of Charlies hand a smiley tattoo was visible.

“I almost forgot about that tattoo,” Nick said and brushed over it with his thumb.

When they wear in school he had accidentally gotten ink on Charlies hand and had then turned the blue line into a smiling face.

It had become a thing after that – when they weren’t able to see each other for a couple of days, Nick would always draw a smiley on Charlies hand. ‘See, you always got me with you’ he had said, ‘you’ll see me again before it’s washed away.’

When he had moved away for university he had used sharpie to draw the smiley when he knew they wouldn’t see each other for weeks. It had been a joke when he suggested tattooing it onto Charlies skin.

But when Nick had gotten his first tattoo and Charlie accompanied him, he was busy gritting his teeth (everyone had warned him to not get his first tattoo on his ribs but he had been stubborn) and was completely surprised when Charlie showed him that he had also gotten a tattoo – a small, crooked smiling face right there on his hand, proof that Nick would always be with him. ‘Can’t be washed away so I guess I’ll never have to not see you again’ he had said.
The memory stung and Nick dropped Charlies hand.

 

“Are you sure you wanna do this, Charlie?” he asked, looking for a trace of reluctance in the other mans eyes. Either he didn’t want to see it or there wasn’t any.

“Can’t be that bad, right?” Charlie responded and they were back to almost-smiling.

“And I always wanted to date a celebrity, so,” Charlie continued and Nick didn’t think before picking him up and throwing him halfway over this shoulders.

“Charlie Spring, you only want me for my money and my fame!” he called while the other guy screamed and tried to get out of his hold but Nick had always been much stronger than him.

 

“Are you alright?” the voice of his mother interrupted their … whatever it was they were doing and Nick quickly put Charlie back to the ground.

“We’re good!” he said a tad too loud and saw that Charlie was grinning just like he was. This felt familiar and new like a sequel and a start at the same time.

The music from the kitchen streamed into the room through the open door where Sarah was still giving them a bewildered look.
“… they can’t mess with us, we woke up feeling dangerous.”

Notes:

seriously, who would have said no to fake date Nick Nelson? I would've said yes in a heartbeat

songs mentioned:
Protest the Hero - From the Sky
Set It Off - Dangerous

Chapter 5

Notes:

thank you so much for your feedback on the last chapter! xx
here we go with another one!

“I can’t believe you’re actually gonna do that!” Tao almost screamed and Charlie held his phone away from his ears to not risk acute hearing loss.

“I’m helping him out,” he said once his best friend had stopped shouting.

“Yes Charlie, you are helping him keeping his good reputation and what are you gonna get out of it? If it’s another bloody broken heart, I won’t be there to pick up the pieces!”
Then there was a bit of a tumult until Charlie could hear Elles voice.
“Charlie! You know I will always be there for you, don’t you?” she said and he could perfectly imagine the earnest look on her face.

“Excuse me, the position of best friend is already taken,” shouted Tao into the phone, “The only reason I won’t be there if because I’ll be busy taking that wanker down!”

- “You don’t need to take anyone down, Tao, but I appreciate the offer.”

“As you should! I’d hate to be stuck in prison because I don’t think an orange uniform would suit me.”

- “We don’t have those in England. I think you’d wear a blue jumper and grey sweatpants though.”

“I will not be caught in grey sweatpants, ever!”

 

Charlie was laughing and it felt so damn good to be talking to two of his best friends, joking and not having to think twice about what he was saying.

“You’re coming in three days, right? And you’re bringing my keyboard?” he asked and wished they could just teleport next to him right now.

“It’s already in my car, longing for the touch of your scrawny fingers,” Elle answered him, a hearty smile tucked into her voice.

 

Sometimes Charlie wondered how Elle put up with Taos and his childish behaviour when she seemed so much more grown-up than them. She was the picture perfect example of a good person and Charlie loved her dearly, always had. He was incredibly glad that she was in such a good state of her life now, studying to become a teacher and doing a stellar job as a supervisor for young teens at a rainbow community centre.

Tao was currently taking a break from university to do an internship at a small film company. He was so excited about this opportunity and talking about it whenever he could until all his friends and his girlfriend would get annoyed if they didn’t like him so much.

Isaac was studying English Literature because of course he did and he would be working on the Shakespeare musical with Charlie next term.

 

Charlie still remembered when he had found out about Isaacs incredible singing voice and his even more impressive falsetto. He had returned to the building that contained the rooms for music lessons because he’d forgotten his notebook with mostly half-finished songs scrawled inside and there he’d heard a male voice that send shivers down his spine – in a good way! He just had to peek inside the room the voice was coming from and when he discovered it was Isaac singing he let out a not-quiet-enough “holy shit!” and that’s how they started making music together.

Charlie was happy to have someone who could actually sing to practice his own songs with (they did sound that much better when it wasn’t him doing the singing) and Isaac was happy, quiet and content like he usually was (minus the quiet when he was singing, that guy had some big lungs!).

 

“Can we talk about this … arrangement again, just for a second?” Tao asked.

“You’re allowed three questions,” Charlie agreed.

“Fine. Here comes first: Are you getting paid? If you have to show up to events and make time for staged dinner dates, you have to be getting paid, right?”

“Uhm, I don’t know actually. I haven’t read the whole contract they have send me yet.”

“There’s a whole contract? How many pages?”

“Are these your two remaining questions?”

“Wait, no! I’ll just hack into your emails and read it myself.”

Charlie could hear Elle shouting “You’ve taken one class of programming, one single one!” somewhere in the back.

“Question number two: Will you get Nick to promote the indie film festival we’re planning at my job? It’s in May and I don’t know if that whole fake-dating thing will last that long but it would be very cool if I could get a famous person to promote us!”

“Oh my god Tao, I will not ask him that!”

“Why not? He asked you to pretend to be in a whole fucking relationship with him, I really don’t think he would mind.”

“Please just ask your last question.”
“You have given me absolute crap for answers but okay. Final question: Do you still have feeling for him?”

 

Charlie went silent at that.

How was he supposed to know that? Oh right, because it was him possibly having those feeling.

He and Nick had broken up four years ago and two months ago he would have answered this question with a certain “no” (like at least 93%, the other 7% simply were a sucker for nice rugby arms) but now it was two months later and he wasn’t so sure.

When Nick came out he had been proud of him. When he Tori showed him that article he had been sorry for both Nick and himself. When Nick called him he had felt a sense of yearning. When Nick stood in front of him, hair sticking up and paint strokes on his hands, he had felt something like a gravitational pull towards him. When they sat on the sofa he had wanted to sit close to him. When Nicks thumb stroked over the tattoo on his hand he had wanted to hug him and not let go for like … ever.

 

“I take your silence as an answer.”

Taos voice pulled Charlie out of his thoughts. His cheeks turned a little too warm and he was glad they weren’t on facetime.

“I don’t approve of this at all, Charlie, not that you ever really cared about my approval when it came to guys. I just hope Nick is still as kind as when you actually dated. He was a good one,” Tao sighed and Charlie felt like he disappointed a parent figure (which was a feeling he was very familiar with).

“He is,” he said and they ended the call soon after.

 

Charlie laid back on the small guest bed Michael had set up in his home office. He and Tori were in the kitchen and Charlie could hear them laughing through the wall, some music playing.

“… in better or worse I am tethered to you. If it’s not either of us tell me who are we fooling?”

 

-

 

One thing the public did not know about the Nick Nelson was the fact that he loved puzzles. The rugby lad doing puzzles? Yeah, right. But it was such a calming activity and piece by piece that found its place, it was like the thoughts in his head fell into place as well.

Sai had been the one to introduce him to this new hobby and sometimes after a game they’d sit down and just do a puzzle to wind down. The media would be shocked to find out that there wasn’t a crazy after party every single time.

 

Right now Nick was sitting in his old bedroom. Sarah had renovated that room already and it felt weird because while there were still bits and pieces around that belonged to him (his old rugby helmet, an Eeyore plushie, some books and a beanbag) he was still feeling more like a guest. The blue walls were painted a soft green now and it was a lot tidier than it had been when he still lived here. (He mostly lived out of his bag but a few clothes were already laying on the ground.)

 

On the screen of his laptop there was an open video chat with Christian and Sai and between where he was sitting cross-legged and his laptop was a half finished puzzle. Sai was doing one as well, only Christian never got the hang of it.

Nick put on some music in the background and then they were chatting, searching through their puzzle pieces, sometimes letting out a sound of frustration or joy and it was so nice to have some friends he could feel comfortable with like that. He hadn’t known friends like this back in school until he met Charlie and then Tao, Elle and Isaac.

 

“Do you think he’ll chicken out or is he actually gonna do it? That contract does sound a bit scary. I don’t think my girl would be willing to agree to it and we’re actually dating,” Christian just said and Sai was spinning a puzzle piece in his hands.

“Charlie would do it even if he didn’t feel comfortable, that’s kinda his thing. He would do anything to keep the people around him safe and happy even if it means he’s hurting,” Nick responded.

Sai furrowed his brows. “That doesn’t sound very healthy. But it’s been like, what, four years since you’ve dated? And he’s younger than you if I remember this correctly. So he was nineteen at the time. I for sure wasn’t the same person at twenty-three as when I was nineteen,” he said and apparently found the spot for his puzzle piece, put it down and smiled proudly.

 

What Sai had said was true. Four years could do a lot to a person especially in your early twenties. But he had still been Charlie when they were sitting on the sofa. He got the same blue eyes and the same smile.

“You probably have to get to know each other all over again,” Christian chimed in and Sai nodded in agreement.

“Better do that before your first public appearance. Catch up, talk about boundaries and stuff,” Sai added.

“For two people who get hit on the head quite regularly, you give some really good advice,” Nick said and grinned when his friends laughed.

 

“You have to introduce us, you know that right?” Christian said, “I can’t wait to meet the guy who got you on our team!”

“I thought it was my skill, dedication and incredible talent that got me on your team?”

“That was one part. But when you got signed you had some kind of tunnel vision, you were at the gym constantly and that was the resolution of your break-up so we’ll probably have to buy Charlie a bouquet or something.”

That comment lead Nicks heart to tighten for a second and it hurt.

He hadn’t been doing great back then and it was kinda odd that his pain hat gotten him on a team and dragged him into the spotlight.

 

“He likes forget-me-nots,” he murmured without thinking and it took him a second to register the curious looks his friends were giving him on the screen.

“It was the flower we used as a buttonhole at graduation,” he added and while Christian groaned and hid his face in his hands, Sai just gave him a soft smile.

 

When the three men turned off the chat, Nick had finished the puzzle that showed an arrangement of flowers. He had found it in here, the other option had been a teddy bear with a heart shaped balloon.

As he looked at his work, his new phone began to ring. It was an unknown number and he didn’t dare to pick it up. Could his new number have been leaked somehow?

It stopped ringing and a ton of messages dropped in.

 

NICHOLAS LUKE NELSON

 

HOW DARE YOU GET A NEW NUMBER AND NOT TEXT US

 

CALL US

 

NOW!!!

 

(this is Darcy btw)

 

Oh no. He had kinda avoided contacting Darcy and Tara because he knew how they’d react once they heard the whole story.

He’d met Darcy when he was still at university, they had run into each other – literally – and when they both bent down to pick up their belongings their hands had touched for a brief moment. “Sweetie, if I wasn’t a lesbian this would be the start of a romantic movie,” she had laughed and her openness had caught him off guard.

“We could be friends though. I’m good at being someone’s friend and you kinda look like you could need one,” she had said bluntly and Nick hadn’t argued because it was true.
He and Charlie had just broken up and he walked around like a zombie. Meeting Darcy (who was bubbly and excited and all over the place) and Tara (who was the ying to Darcys yang) had really helped him.

 

In combination they could be a bit much at times because Tara was so observant that you couldn’t hide anything from her and Darcy would say whatever was on her mind even if it hurt and made you a bit uncomfortable.

Nick saved the number in his phone and called, it didn’t even ring once before Darcys voice flooded the room.

“What the heck is going on in your life? I had to look up rugby news to find out and now my algorithm is probably all fucked up and I’m gonna see sports stuff on my explore page for years!”

 

That made Nick laugh and at the same time he felt really bad for not calling them earlier.

“I am deeply sorry, Darcy. Maybe search for some hot girls to fix it?”

“Excuse me, Darcy has a very hot girl right next to her!” Tara called and then he heard the smack of lips. “Tell him babe,” Darcy laughed.

 

“So, Nick, in our research we came across a familiar name,” Tara said and Darcy was singing “Chaaaaaarliiiiiie” into the phone.

Nick sighed, “It’s complicated and weird.”

“We love complicated and weird!” both his friends said and they sounded a bit too gleeful for people who had witnessed his dark moods when he and Charlie had parted.

Nick told them the complete story and Tara had to stop Darcy from screaming, asking too many too detailed questions and the whole conversation was such a stark contrast to the talk he had with Christian and Sai.

 

That night when he pulled his blanket all the way up to his chin, breathing in the familiar scent of his mums laundry detergent, he felt like he’d emptied out his heart completely. Both conversations had helped clearing his head and he had become certain about a couple of things.

First: the idea to fake-date his ex boyfriend was complete and utter nuts

Second: the idea to fake-date his ex boyfriend made him feel giddy inside

Third: all his friends were bonkers

Fourth: he loved them dearly

 

He was drifting to sleep, the soundtrack from Friends playing softly as another episode started, not that he had paid attention to the one before, as he thought of one final thing: he couldn’t wait to get know Charlie Spring for a second time.

“… I’ll be there for you cause you’re there for me too.”

Notes:

leave some love for Tao, Elle, Christian and Sai plssss <3

songs mentioned:
Brooke Fraser - Who Are We Fooling
Friends Theme Song

Chapter 6

“So you mean to tell me that instead of spending time with your friends, you’re just gonna abandon us for you new old boyfriend?” Tao whined and crossed his arms, pouting.
They were at Taos family home, up in Taos old room with Elle and Isaac. They had just ended a discussion about which movie version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream was the best, actually it had been Elle who finally silenced them when things got heated because Tao insisted that the film from 1968 featuring Judi Dench didn’t compare to the version from 1935. (“It’s Judi Dench, of course it’s the best version, Tao!” - “Judi Dench doesn’t hold a thing against Olivia de Havilland!” - “Who even is that?” - “Your ignorance of true cinematic genius pains me!”)

 

Charlie had just gotten up because he was about to meet up with Nick to “talk over the contract”.
He ignored his best friends words and also the knowing smiles that Elle and Isaac gave him. They didn’t know nothing about anything! He himself didn’t even know what exactly this meeting would encompass. He had talked to Nicks manager on the phone once and had declined any payment he’d been offered (which he didn’t tell Tao). Technically he had already broken part of the contract by telling his friends and his sister about the whole thing but how was he expected to hide the truth from the people closest to him?

 

Since his social media accounts had been private for years, most of the contract didn’t matter to him anyway. None of his friends would ever post a picture or details about him without his consent, so that was another thing he didn’t have to worry about. It had still felt weird to give strangers his log in data to his accounts so they could look at all his posts and decide whether they had to be deleted or not.
There were a lot of clauses about what would happen if he published private information about Nick, the team or the contract and the agreement for a background check to find out if he might be a criminal (he had pirated loads of music and movies when he was younger but seriously, who didn’t?).

 

He wasn’t able to talk Nick out of sending Otis with a car to pick him up and the ride to Nicks house was a bit uncomfortable, Charlie squirming in his seat and clinging to the backpack laid on his lap.
He usually carried around two notebooks all the time. One for the musical they worked on at college and one for songs he mostly wrote in his bedroom. Inspiration could strike anytime though and Charlie was a bit paranoid of making up the perfect lyrics and forgetting about it before he could get his hands on paper and pen. It’d happened before and he was still convinced that he’d missed out on some of the best songs because the words had escaped his mind before he got home.

 

When he arrived, Nick opened up the door before Charlie could reach for the bell. Had he been waiting for him? Charlie noticed that there was an empty spot on the shoe rack, his black converse looked achingly familiar sitting there like they belonged.
Nick was wearing a red sweater with snowflakes all over it and some fuzzy socks and looked so cosy that Charlie had almost hugged him, tucked his nose into the crew of the other mans neck and inhaled deeply.
But he didn’t, he just pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands and formed them into fists.

 

“I wanted to bake some cookies, thought we could do that together and you could bring some over to Tori and Michael,” Nick said and the way Victorias nickname slipped of his tongue so easily (like the names of Charlies family members and friends never left his word pool) made Charlie unclench his hands.
He followed him into the kitchen which didn’t smell of paint any more and saw three different baking books laying in the counter. “How many different cookies do you plan on baking, exactly? Did I sign up for a baking marathon?” Charlie teased and Nick chuckled.
“You know I like to bake,” he answered and of course Charlie knew. “But we don’t have to if it makes you …” Nick trailed off and some red crept up his face.

 

“I’m good,” Charlie said and made sure to look Nick in the eyes, “the eating disorder will probably always be a part of my life but it’s not an active part any more.”
That sentence had been his mantra in therapy and he was glad the last part was true for about three years now.
Nicks shoulders, that had tensed up at some point, fell back down and he put on that half-sided smile that Charlie lo- liked so much. He liked it, that was all.

 

“We could go for the classic sugar cookies but I just got a cookbook with German Christmas cookies and I’d really like to try one of those. Do you eat eggs? I guess we could try to make a vegan option but I’m not sure how they’ll turn out.”
Charlie listened to Nick talking with a smile. Of course the media had named him “the sweetheart of rugby” because that man was as sweet as a sugar cookie with extra icing. At the same time it was weird that he’d have to ask Charlie if he ate eggs but they didn’t even know some of the most basic information about each other any more.

 

“I eat everything,” Charlie said, “just please tell me there won’t be crystallised fruit in whatever we’re making.” The thought of eating diced fruit coated in sugar made him shudder with disgust.
Nick laughed and shook his head. “Don’t worry, no diced fruit will make an appearance, I swear. I wanna try something called Zimtstern.” He showed Charlie a page in one of the books and soon enough they were dusting the kitchen counter with powdered sugar.

 

It took a while for the two of them to not jerk back every time their hands accidentally touched when they both reached for the same ingredient or to not say “sorry” when their shoulders bumped because they were standing close to each other to read the recipe. After the Zimtsterne they tried another recipe for something called Vanillekipferl which Nick tried to pronounce until Charlie almost cried from laughing because it sounded so odd. They looked up the pronunciation online but decided to just call them vanilla crescents instead.

 

Nick asked a lot of questions about Charlies studies and the younger man told him how he got into playing the piano, showed him his dream grand piano on his phone, described his life in London and how good it felt when he finally ditched his maths courses.
Charlie asked some questions in return, careful not to touch the topic of Nicks public coming out, and took notes in his head.

That evening – after Charlie had come back to Toris flat, riding high on sugar and all the new knowledge about Nick – he sat on his mattress and opened his blue notebook, the one with the songs he wrote mostly for himself.
For the first time in multiple weeks, he felt like his head was brimming with inspiration. And for the first time in a long time, he started to write a song about Nicholas Nelson.

 

“I often think about the way you’ll think about me when we’re old. I always thought that we could be the greatest story ever told. But there’s a rock inside my sock, I’ll keep walking cause it’s cold. And I can’t stop the clock from ticking, I know that it’s just the beginning.”

 

-

 

Nick started to like his new phone because every so often it lit up and a new message from Charlie was waiting for him. He had texted the other man the evening of their baking session a few days ago, asking if Tori and Michael had liked their cookies. Charlie had sent him a picture of the empty cookie box that had been full merely hours ago.
Nick had answered with a thumbs up emoji which lead to Charlie texting “omg I am not the only one using that emoji! I’m telling Tori right now!” and was soon followed by a photo of a frowning Tori and a wide grinning Charlie. He had stared at that photo longer than he’d like to admit before sending a quick “good night” and turning off his phone.

 

In the morning there was a “good night to you too” and without thinking twice, he had written “good morning” and somehow that became a thing.
They weren’t texting non stop, they mostly sent each other random photos during the day and then there were the good morning and good night messages. Nick tried his best to ignore the weird mix of feelings in his stomach and chest that came from having Charlie Spring back in his life.

 

Currently he was sitting on the plush carpet in the living room, humming along to the Christmas music playing from his phone, packing up some presents. He put them in red cotton bags because they were more environmentally friendly than wrapping paper and not because his wrapping skills were awful.
He took a picture of his work and sent it to Charlie, ‘got all your presents already?’
Nick loved picking out gifts. He’d gotten Sai a puzzle that was completely blue and a pack of one hundred hair ties for Christian who had grown out his hair but seemed to never have a hair tie at hands. Seriously, what else could you give to people who could simply buy themselves whatever they wanted?

 

His phone buzzed - ‘still not good at wrapping presents?’
‘these bags are reusable, I’m just doing my part for a better climate’
‘that is a yes. I got all my presents ready, not really in the mood for Christmas though’

 

Right, Charlies experience with Christmas were like the complete opposite of his own.
Nick remembered the year when, after Charlie broke down crying from anxiety because of the thought of going home for the holidays, he had suggested they ditch everything and just spend Christmas in London instead. He’d only moved to the city a couple of months ago, the gap between him and Charlie just a barely notable crack back then.
They had bought the ugliest Christmas sweaters they managed to find, ate store-bought plum pudding that tasted gruesome and watched cheesy movies, cramped up in Nicks tiny dorm room. Later they had taken a walk around the city, looked at the sea of lights in the streets and Charlie had told him that this was the best Christmas he’d ever had.

Suddenly it occurred to Nick that he had not gotten all the presents like he thought he had. Because what he was clearly missing was a present for Charlie!
He remembered when Charlie was at his house, he had brought his backpack and at one point, Henry had tipped the bag over when he was having the zoomies. Some notebooks had fallen out and Nick had been able to read “Charlies songs” written on the cover of one of them.

Charlie had hurried to put them back so he didn’t ask him about it as the younger man seemed like he wanted to hide them.
Maybe he could get him a new notebook, a nice one, write a small note in there. ‘Thanks for being my fake boyfriend’? Okay, he needed to work on that bit.

When his phone lit up, Nick grabbed it thinking it was another message from Charlie but it wasn’t. It was an invitation for an appointment in his calendar – from his manager.
‘First public appearance of Nicholas Nelson and Charlie Spring’ it read and was set for the 31^st of December. So they’d most likely have their very first appearance at a New Year’s Eve party. He took a deep breath.

 

‘guess we already have plans for new year’s eve’ he texted Charlie and the music in his ears suddenly sounded like it was mocking him.

“… we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.”

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Alec Benjamin - Speakers

Chapter 7

Notes:

thank you so much for you comments! they really keep me going :)
i am way ahead in writing but sometimes your ideas still have some influence on the story, i love that

have fun reading! xx

 

The holidays went by in a blur. Way too soon they were over and on the 28^th of December Nick was back in his flat in London. It was way too big for just one person, there was a whole room that was empty and Nick just kept the door closed and pretty much ignored that room.

He had tried to bring more warmth into the apartment but somehow it just looked cluttered. His bedroom was cosy though, it was his favourite place.

The kitchen was modern and sleek, great for cooking but he always felt a bit uncomfortable sitting at the breakfast bar alone. Nick liked his flat best when he had people over, when the rooms were filled with laughter and chatter.

 

He still had Charlies present with him as he hadn’t seen the other man any more but they had continued to stay in touch over text messages.

They would see each other in not even an hour though, to go over the details of their appearance at the party in a few days.

 

Nick tried listening to a podcast, laying on the big couch in his living room but had to skip back every five minutes because his mind wandered off to the meeting that he was dreading and anticipating at the same time. The part about talking to the PR team was the one he was dreading but the prospect of seeing Charlie again made his lips turn into an immediate smile.

Sure, they were still acting a bit strange around each other but there had been moments that felt so natural and made his heart beat just a tiny bit faster. Like when they had been baking in his mums kitchen and he had laughed at Charlie getting flour on his nose, so Charlie had simply raised his hand and softly touched Nicks nose with his finger covered in flour. “Now we match,” he’d said and Nick hadn’t been able to respond because in his head the words we match spun around in a never ending circle, so he’d just smiled.

Had that been a ‘moment with a capital M’ like Darcy liked to call it? Or maybe it had just been Charlie being his goofy and sweet self?

 

The ping of his phone got Nick out of his head, it was text from Otis: ‘just picked up Charlie, at your house in 10’

Charlie had wanted to refuse being picked up (“What’s wrong using the subway?”) but Nick had went on about how the headquarters of his management was hard to find and Charlie had given in. Really, he just didn’t want to meet Charlie again with his manager and possibly a thousand other people around. He also wanted to give him his present.

 

When he got into the backseat of the car, Charlie greeted him with a timid smile. Was that really the same person that had texted him “oh god, sadly I do remember you reeking after working out. go, take a shower!” in response to Nicks post workout selfie that Nick had sent and then started to stress out about for twenty minutes until he finally got an answer?

But Nick could feel himself getting kinda shy too. Texting was different than sitting next to each other in the back of a car and suddenly having to talk in person.

 

“Hi,” he said to Charlie then directed his gaze to the front, “what’s up Otis?”

“Having to babysit some rugby lad, the usual,” the man in the driver’s seat answered.

“Sorry ‘bout that man but I bet he’s nice.”

“Unfortunately, he’s a bit of a prat.”

Nick flicked him the finger which Otis saw in the rear mirror and laughed at.

Then it turned silent in the car. Nick looked at Charlie and Otis by turns, he wanted to talk to Charlie and give him his present but he didn’t really want Otis to listen to their conversation.

Otis must have gotten the hint because he turned on some music but only played it from the speakers in front.

 

Charlie had his hands in his lap, kneading his fingers and looking out the window. Raindrops ran down the glass and made the city look blurry.

“I’ve got something for you,” Nick said in a quiet voice but Charlie jerked around as if he had shouted.

“For me?” he asked and his eyes were so wide, Nick remembered how he used to get lost in them.

“Just a late Christmas gift,” he responded and opened this bag to pull out a neatly wrapped present. “Wrapped it myself.”

Charlie raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “You did not.”

“Sure did!” Nick exclaimed. “I might have looked up a tutorial.” Charlie giggled at that, actually giggled! Nicks stomach did something funny at that sound.

“What about being environmentally friendly?”
“It’s paper made from grass.”

“Huh, you really thought this through, didn’t you?”

 

Nick didn’t mind Charlie teasing him, it felt quite good actually. When he had gotten into the car, the younger mans face had looked closed up and he’d been worried that maybe Charlie regretted their banter via text.

Now Charlie opened up the present, careful not to rip the paper which made Nick nearly tear it from his hands to unwrap it in one go. Charlie gave him a side glance and slowed down his motions even more. But then he was finally holding Nicks gift in his hands – it was a dark green notebook with some golden clefs and notes embossed into the faux leather.

 

“Oh Nick,” Charlie spoke under his breath and his fingers trailed over the material, “this is absolutely awful.”

Nick blinked. Once, twice. Did his ears not function properly or did Charlie just called his present awful?

A cheeky smile formed on the other mans face and Nick punched him on the shoulder.
“How dare you!” he gasped and tried to grab the notebook but Charlie held on tight.

“No, how dare you, Nicholas! This notebook is way to beautiful and I will never write anything into it as not to ruin it! You’ve set the seal on a boring life on my shelf for that poor book.”

 

Nick laughed and he could see Otis briefly turning his head before looking onto the streets again.

“I thought you actually hated it for a second,” he said and Charlie grinned and shook his head.

“I don’t, it’s a beautiful present but it’s true – I probably won’t write in it.”

Nick thought about that for a moment. “You could use your other notebooks to work on stuff and when you’re done with a song for something, you can write it down into this one.”

Charlie gave him a smile and said “I guess I could do that.”

 

He looked like he wanted to say something else but just then the car drove on the parking lot at the main office and the colour drained from his face.

“It’s not gonna be that bad,” Nick reassured him even though he had no clue what awaited them.

The car stopped and Charlie put his new notebook into his backpack, Nick unfastened his seat belt and Otis typed something on his phone while the radio was still playing music.

“… I hold my breath, I can’t see what comes next, I don’t know when I’ll see dry land again.”

 

-

 

The elevator doors opened without a sound and Charlie followed Nick and Otis into a long carpeted hallway. One wall was made out of big windows, on the other hung framed art work in between the four doors that most likely lead to some offices. The air smelled like money, Charlie didn’t know how else to describe it. He felt underdressed in his black jeans and his button-down shirt that he had even ironed. Nick didn’t wear anything spectacular either but he looked more at ease, probably because it wasn’t his first time in this building. Okay, maybe he wasn’t completely at ease – Charlie noticed that he run his fingers through his hair again and again.

 

They made their way down the corridor to a group of two chaise longues where they sat down. Charlie wanted to take out his phone to have something to do with his hands but he didn’t. Chances were that one of doors would open just in that moment and he would make a bad first impression.

Was it even a first impression when they basically searched through his whole life already?
He had noticed some Instagram posts of his had been archived but he couldn’t really see a pattern in them.

 

He eyed over to Nick, who was looking down at his shoes (they were from some sports brand, didn’t he used to have a cooperation with them? Charlie thought that he might have seen some advertisement in the past).

One of the doors opened and a blonde woman peeked her head out and gestured with one hand to beckon them over. Nick and him got up at the same time and now they were slowly walking over to the open door, the sound of their footsteps silenced by the beige carpet. Charlie was terrified of leaving dirty foot prints behind himself.

 

They entered the room (Otis didn’t join them) and were greeted by three people sat around a big table. In this room too, one wall was covered in big windows and Charlie briefly thought about how much trouble it must be to clean all of them.

They sat down next to each other and Charlie really wished their chairs weren’t so far away from another.

 

The woman who had opened the door was dressed very formal, as was the man sitting at the head of the table. That was probably Nicks manager that Charlie had already talked to on the phone. It was always a little surprise to finally meet someone in person when you’ve only heard their voice to far. He had imagined him to be bold for some reason but he was actually wearing a grey pony tail.

There was another woman who looked quite young, her hair was curly and her smile was the warmest out of the three.

 

“Welcome Charlie, hello Nick,” the man spoke. “Charlie, it’s good to meet you, we’re really glad that you agreed to help Nick out in this little … hiccup of life.” Charlie thought that this was a weird way to describe the shitstorm Nick had to endure. He wasn’t sure what to think of the man yet.

“I want to introduce you to Alice,” the man nodded to the curly haired woman, “as she will be your person to contact during this whole arrangement.” Alice smiled and gave him a little wave.

 

Then it was mostly Nicks manager and the blonde woman talking about the upcoming party. Basically all they had to do was show up, smile, get photographed, drink one glass of champagne only, not talk to any journalists and leave shortly after midnight.

It sounded easy enough but Charlie still had to write down two appointments with Alice in the next two days. Apparently it was extremely important what he’d be wearing and even though they weren’t allowed to talk to the media, he would still get a lesson in how to talk to the press.

The woman talked about which photographer she had invited, which magazines those photos would be sold to and which other celebrities would be at the party. Nick looked like he had zoned out a bit and Charlie couldn’t hold it against him because it wasn’t like they could contribute anything to the conversation.

 

When they finally got off their seats, Charlies head was buzzing and when he stepped out of the big office building he felt unreal.

Was this really happening? Why did he agree to this? Maybe he should have listened to Tao. The decision had been easy when he had seen Nick in distress, when they had been sitting on the sofa in Nicks house in their home town, far away from all this craze.

He really needed a moment for himself.

 

Nick was standing next to the car, looking at him expectantly, holding the door open.

“Uhm, I’m gonna use the subway,” Charlie said. “It’s not that difficult to find and I got my phone so I won’t get lost,” he added and smiled but it only came out shallow.

Nick pressed his lips together but didn’t protest, he just gave him one long look and then got into the car.

 

Charlie waited until Otis had driven the car off the parking lot before pulling out his headphone from his backpack. He was glad it had stopped raining as he opened up the navigation app on his phone because he actually had no clue how to get to the next subway station.

He looked up the shortest way, put on his headphones and started walking. The air was fresh after the rain but it wouldn’t be long before the smog of the city would gain the upper hand again.

Nick hadn’t said a word to him since they stepped into the building and Charlie was pretty sure he had also avoided all eye contact with him.

 

Gosh, he really didn’t like the feeling that was growing inside his chest. Maybe the familiarity between them had only existed back in their small town?

Well, he couldn’t chicken out of it now. How hard could it be to spend an hour or two at a party, smiling for the camera and then going back home to his and Taos dorm room to spend the rest of the night with his friends? Charlie turned up the music so it would drown out his thoughts.

“… I couldn’t help it, help what I’m feeling, you find the chaos if that’s what you believe in.”

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Alec Benjamin - Swim
Rosie Darling - Say Less

Chapter 8

Tao Xu was a good friend. Right now, he also was a good boyfriend as he massaged his girlfriends feet and listened to her talk about her day.

“… and all of the kids got to paint their hands and leave their hand prints on the shelf, it looks really good and I can’t wait to pick up the books we’ve ordered! The woman I talked to at the book store even asked if she could copy the list of books so they might stock some of them. Wouldn’t that be amazing if they had all these different literature about LGBTQ+ topics at the store?”

Elles face was so full of hope and happiness whenever the talked about her work at the community centre, Tao fell a bit more in love every time. That was something he’d only ever admit to her in private though. They were sitting on the bed in his small room at the flat he shared with Charlie.

Typically these flats for students were as tiny as a shoe box but Tao didn’t mind.

 

As Elle went on to tell him about the books in detail, he could hear the front door open and close with a thud. So, Charlie was back from that meeting he was supposed to have with Nicks management and by the way he had closed the door, it probably hadn’t been a nice sit down for tea and scones.

Tao stopped massaging Elles feet and she went silent, both perking their ears to listen to Charlie rummaging around the apartment. He kicked off his shoes, went into his own room and closed the door more loudly than usual. Not that closing the door really helped because their bedrooms were right next to each other and the walls were thin. (Tao had discovered that in a rather mortifying way.)

 

Soon they could hear Charlie playing on his keyboard. He had picked that up when he was still in therapy, a couple weeks after the break up with Nick. His therapist had suggested he turn his feelings into music and while the drums were perfect for letting out anger, the piano was able to catch the finer tunes. Charlie had started writing his own songs then and Tao was relieved his best friend had found a way to deal with his feelings in a non destructive way.

Not that it hadn’t been painful to listen to his songs at times when the melody oozed with sadness. One time Charlie had forgotten his notebook in the kitchen and Tao couldn’t help but take a look at what his friend had written. The lyrics were undeniably good but it hurt to read how dark it could get in Charlies head.

 

Tao had always know that, he was there when Charlie went to hospital because of his eating disorders back when they were still in school. And he had been there when Nick left for university and the relationship between him and Charlie went downhill.

Him and Elle had picked him up as a crying mess from the train station after the break up and he had taken turns with Tori go drive Charlie to his weekly therapy sessions.

He had helped him move to London, seen the way his best friend had blossomed until he was strong enough to tell his parents that he wanted to change his field of studies.

He’d heard the happy songs, they goofy ones Charlie made up when making breakfast, the ones he practised for college, the ones he wrote when he had joined a funk band for about six weeks.

 

He knew them all and he recognised the melody of this one right away. Charlie wasn’t singing along but Tao still remembered the words.

 

I want all of my flights back
When you were going to college
Promised we'd make it work
Threw all my clothes in a backpack
Twelve hundred miles just so I
Could say "I love you" in person

 

“I’m gonna ...,” he started and Elle pulled her feet away from his lap. “Sure!”

 

Tao walked over to Charlies room, knocked on the door and waited a second before opening it. His best friend sat on his bed, the keyboard in front of him, the wire twisting halfway through the room.

“Hey,” he said and Charlie looked up to him, eyes looking like they were holding back tears.

“Elle is here, we were about to watch a movie. I told you about it before, the one about a painter but in the whole movie he doesn’t paint once, the story is not in chronological order and the characters only speak Russian?”

That made Charlies face look a little less sad and more confused. “I don’t know if I want to remember you telling me about that. It sounds horrible,” he said and managed to lift the corner of his mouth by a fraction.

 

“It’s art, it’s not supposed to be processed or understood, only experienced and wondered at! Come on, I know where we’ll find a full version of it,” Tao said and Charlie grumbled but turned off the keyboard and got up from his bed.

“How long is the full version, exactly?” he asked and trailed behind to Taos room where Elle had already set up a bunch of pillows so they could comfortably lean on the headboard of the bed.

“Round about 205 minutes,” Tao grinned and Charlie and Elle both started trying to argue him out of watching said movie.

 

In the end they decided against watching Andrej Rubljow (“I can’t believe I have to deal with such uncultured people!” Tao had sighed dramatically) and put on a baking show instead.
Charlie sat between the couple and Tao glanced over to him every once in a while.

He really loved his best friend and he really wanted to know what had happened today but they could still talk about it later if Charlie felt ready to do so.

There had been other guys in the past years, nothing serious but enough to make Charlie mope around for a few days. But no one had ever hurt him like Nick Nelson and Tao wouldn’t let it happen again.
He thought about the song Charlie had played earlier and involuntarily gritted his teeth.

 

“… but that was then and this is now
And while you're moving on,
I'm breaking down tonight
And in the end, no matter how hard I try
Unloving you is so hard to do,
It's like trying to fight the rising tide.
It's like catching the moon or telling the stars not to shine
Unloving you, I must be a fool
‘Cause only a fool would waste their time
On somebody who has already moved on with their life
Somebody help me,
This isn't healthy,
Don't know what to do,
Can't make it through
Unloving you.”

-

 

‘Charlie, I am so sor-’ – deleted

‘Sorry for being -’ - deleted

‘Today was-’ - deleted

 

Nick groaned and threw his phone down next to him on the grey sofa, it bounced off the cushions and fell onto the floor but he didn’t bother picking it up.
He knew that he had acted weird as soon as they stepped into the office building earlier. He had felt his face harden, his voice dying in his throat, making sure to keep a distance between Charlie and himself.

 

Charlie must have been so confused by the sudden change in Nicks behaviour but he simply couldn’t do anything about it. The whole thing became very real in that moment and the more his manager and the woman from the PR team had talked about the party, the pictures, how much affection should be displayed, that they would be brought to a hotel afterwards together and Charlie would be sneaked out so the press wouldn’t notice that they weren’t staying together for the night – it all got too much.

This wasn’t some kind of funny play pretend, this was a well structured plan so save his career and his good image. The reality of it all had come down on him when they were sitting at that stupid office table.

 

Nick slouched down into a horizontal position on the couch and looked at the ceiling that was too high up to make out shapes on the white ingrain wallpaper.

He had thought this would be an easy ride. They’d have a bit of fun, get to know each other again, laugh about the articles written about them in magazines. But this was actually a serious situation, something that would for sure put them in a lot of stress, a kind which Charlie hadn’t experienced before because he had never stood in the public eye like that.

 

Maybe he should eat a full bucket of ice cream, that’s what people in movies always did in a situation like this. He would if he had any ice cream at home but he was pretty sure that his freezer was pretty much empty. He couldn’t call Otis and ask if his security guard would get him some, could he?
Nick turned over onto his stomach and tried to reach his phone without falling off the couch. He almost managed to do it but when he reached out just the tiniest bit farther, he tumbled onto the floor.

 

When he got up again, he accidentally propped himself up on his phone.
He hadn’t closed the messenger app before tossing it away earlier and so the screen still showed his and Charlies chat – and a message from him which consisted of random letters and numbers.

He deleted the message quickly but remembered that it would still be shown to Charlie as a deleted message. Which was even worse, like, who thought it would be a good idea to let you delete a text and still tell the other person about said message?
He had to explain himself, so he wrote: ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you’

Okay, that sounded plain rude.
‘No, I DID actually but no like this’

Next to Charlies name the word online popped up.
‘I fell onto my phone’

Gosh, that was such a rubbish excuse even if it was true but would he ever believe it if someone told him that? Probably not.
‘I am sorry’

Sorry about the weird stuff he was currently texting? Sorry about how he had acted earlier? Sorry about being so freaking confusing and confused at the same time since Charlie had been catapulted back into his orbit?
Nick took a deep breath and started typing.

‘Charlie,
I am sorry about this afternoon. I know I was behaving like a total douchebag.

I guess I realised how big of a challenge this will actually be. Back home it seemed exciting and now it feels … threatening?

As soon as we stepped into that building it was in my head, like, we haven’t talked for years and suddenly we’re supposed to pretend that we’re dating while the whole world is watching.
I should have talked to you right then because you probably felt the same.
I am truly sorry’

 

The message was marked as read nearly instantly but Nick stared at the screen for what felt like hours before finally, three dots appeared.
‘I am scared too’

Nicks heart ached at these words because he didn’t want Charlie to be scared but it also good to know that he wasn’t alone with his feelings. He remembered how Charlie had once told him, that he made him feel fearless. He had just said it with a shrug when Nick had asked him since when he wasn’t afraid of heights any more, had said it like it wasn’t a big thing, like he was just stating some simple fact. Nick had stared at him in wonder until Charlie had pulled at his hand and dragged him to the Ferris wheel.

He really needed some ice cream now.

One call and twenty minutes later (in which he had tried thinking of a good answer but had failed miserably), Tara and Darcy were on his doorstep, holding a bucket of ice cream in each of their hands and Tara had a can of whipped cream tucked under her arm.

“We should start an emergency ice cream delivery service,” Darcy said while she and Tara piled the buckets in Nicks hands to put off their shoes.
“What emergency requires ice cream?” Tara asked and Darcy nodded over to Nick. “This one!”
“Excuse me, did you just call me an emergency?”
“Sure did, Nicholas,” the blonde woman answered happily and went to get some spoons from the kitchen. It was nice when your friends were feeling right at home. For a second, Nick thought if maybe Charlie would ever feel like this in here as well.

 

The three friends sat down in the living room, Nick and Darcy up on the sofa while Tara sat cross-legged on the floor. “You should really get a new carpet,” she said and pulled a loose thread from the fabric. “Yeah, you can buy a real fancy one from a designer!” Darcy chimed in, then her face turned into a little frown. “Are there designer carpets?”

Tara looked it up on her phone and then they spent several minutes scrolling through the most hideous designs they could find.

 

They stuffed themselves with ice cream and Nick listened to his friends talking about their holidays. Darcy was just done telling a story about Tara locking herself in the car and missing church service (“It was an accident!” - “Really, Tara? Because it looked like you were just glad to miss out on this years nativity play which was phenomenally bad.”) when Tara, who was cuddled up to her girlfriend on the sofa by now, shot Nick a soft smile.
“So, why did you need an emergency ice cream delivery today?” the brunette woman asked him while casually stroking through Darcys hair.

 

Nick let out a sigh but really, he had been waiting to talk about it the whole time so he told his two friends about everything that had happened today. How he had been so excited to give Charlie his present, how he had tensed up at the office, how Charlie didn’t want to drive back home with him afterwards. He showed them the text message he had send and then looked into their faces, hoping for an answer to … his life, basically.

It was Darcy who spoke first, “You never told us about your break-up.”

Tara thrust her elbow into her girlfriends side and threw her a look that clearly said ‘shut it!’ but Darcy was having none of that.
“What? Why can’t I ask that? We’ve known each other for more than three years now and Nick never told us the whole story. Sure, it’s his business but now that business is back in his life which means it’s part of our life too as we can already see,” she said and nodded over to where a small rest of ice cream was melting in its bucket.

 

“You’re right, Darcy,” Nick said and Darcy let out a “duh!” in return.

“You don’t have to tell us,” Tara insisted but still added “You absolutely can if you want to, though.” And Nick did.

 

When he went to bed that night, he put on a playlist and was about to put away his phone when a text popped up. ‘goodnight’ it read.
He typed a quick response (‘goodnight Charlie’) before falling asleep with his heart a lot less heavy.

‘… you can ebb and I can flow and we’ll take it slow and grow as we go, grow as we go.’

Notes:

songs Charlie writes in his bedroom:
Anson Seabra - Unloving You

songs mentioned:
Ben Platt - Grow As We Go

pls listen to the songs, they are so good and so sad and you need to cry with me while listening to them and think about our boys!
also: yes, you will get to know the break up story, just wait :)

Chapter 9

Notes:

this is it - the break up of our boys will finally be revealed. but I hope the rest of the chapter makes up for it :)

The break-up of Nick and Charlie went like this:
Nick moved to London to go to college and Charlie stayed in their home town, another year at Truham still ahead of him. Elle wouldn’t move to London yet, she had planned to stay back home for a couple more months, work long shifts at the grocery store, save up money for the big city. So, the old clique stayed together while Nick up and left. What followed was simultaneously happening to thousands of high school couples who had claimed that the difference wouldn’t drive them apart but those claims turned out to be untrue.

Because like the way their paths had crossed after leading lives shielded from each other before, their paths now separated when their once intertwined lives suddenly started to disconnect.
Nick was thrilled to live in the capital of England, to experience the night life, meet new people, live on his own, shrink his clothes in the dryer that one time, go to concerts, study for his courses. He was so excited and told Charlie all about it who felt more and more left out.
The time they spent talking on the phone became shorter, their inside jokes felt dated, Nick couldn’t make it home for the weekend because he had plans with his new friends, Charlie needed to concentrate on his A-levels, Nick really needed to spend more time at the gym if he ever wanted to make it big into rugby, Charlie lost his phone and they didn’t talk for a week.
At first it was all forgotten as soon as they stood in front of each other again, then they were laughing, catching up on all the kisses they had missed. They had spent one Christmas in the city, it had been perfect and Charlie promised to visit more often. But he didn’t like the sports bars they went to to meet Nicks new friends and Nick felt caged in whenever he was back in town, it was like trying to mix oil with water, the old with the new.

So here they were, sitting in Nicks dorm room, staring at the TV, their bodies touching but not connecting. They hadn’t shared a real kiss all weekend, only pecks on the mouth before going to sleep because that’s what couples did and they were a couple, weren’t they?
“I’ve been thinking about going to tryouts at some rugby teams. I don’t know if I’m good enough yet but at our last college game there had been some talent scouts and one gave me his card,” said Nick. He was excited to share this with Charlie, really he was excited to share it with everyone and he had called his mum immediately after the game which had been a week ago.
“I know,” Charlie simply responded and didn’t even look at him.
“You know?” Nick asked bewildered.
“Yup. Your mum told me. Was a bit awkward when she asked me if I was as excited as you and I had no idea what she was even talking about.”
“Oh,” was all Nick answered because he had meant to tell Charlie right away but then they had celebrated and a small celebration had turned into a party and then he had some course work he was lagging on and Charlie was visiting on the weekend anyway, he could just tell him in person.
“Any favourite teams? Manchester Rangers? Leeds Rhinos, maybe?” Charlie continued, voice sharp as a knife.
That actually were Nicks favourites and he knew he’d have to move kinda far away for them but it wasn’t like a decision was already made! He was just looking at the options.

“Would it be such a difference?” he asked and immediately knew that this question would anger Charlie even more.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Charlie now turned to Nick, arms crossed in front of his chest.
“I just mean … we’re not really that happy any more, are we?”
There, he said it and now they both had to deal with the truth they had tiptoed around for a while. Tears started to pool in Charlies blue eyes and Nick couldn’t tell if they were made of anger or sadness.
“Of course, Nick, we’re oh so fucking happy,” Charlie said and Nick wished he had shouted or screamed or maybe thrown something across the room because now the younger mans voice just sounded bitter and hurt.
“What can I do, Charlie?” Nick scooted over to his boyfriend, they were boyfriends, right? They were NickandCharlie, one word, no spaces between them.
But right now he felt like they were miles apart when Charlie practically flinched away from his touch.

“Hell if I know, Nick!” he cried out and now tears were streaming drown his face. “Maybe your will to fix this should have kicked in a tiny bit earlier.”
Now Charlie was being unfair and Nick started to get a big angry himself.
“It’s not like you tried to do anything either!”
“Because I’m busy getting through school, holding together my family, dealing with all this mess inside my head while you’re getting drunk at karaoke bars!”
“That was one time! And you never tell me about your problems any more. I don’t know shit about your life right now, Charlie.”
“Well, I know about yours and I don’t like it.”
“Well, you don’t have to be in it!”
They both had proportionally gotten louder but after Nicks last words the room was drowning in utter silence.

When Charlie stood up and started picking up his stuff from around the room, throwing it into his backpack mindlessly, Nick was about to take those words back. But wasn’t that the point they had been heading to for a while now?
Nick watched as Charlie packed the too big shirt he wore at night, the extra pair of woollen socks he had stored in one of Nicks drawers, the book he had lent Nick that the older man still had half of the pages left to read.
Then Charlie stood before him, standing tall and still looking smaller then usual.
“So, that’s it, then?” he asked, hands clutched around his backpack.
Nick got up as well, looked around the room that felt so empty as if Charlie had packed up more than just his belongings. This was the last moment he could turn it all around. He could apologise, beg Charlie to stay, wrap him in his arms, listen to everything he had to say, wipe his tears, kiss his wet cheeks, whisper ‘I love you’ in his ears until it felt true.

But he didn’t.
He said “I guess it is” and just stood there and watched as Charlie slipped into his shoes, not bothering with lacing them up. Charlie opened the door, gave him a final look that both said “please ask me to stay” and “I never want to see you again”.
Nick watched as the person, who had giving meaning to the simple word Hi, left, watched as the person, who had gotten a smiley tattoo because of a stupidly cute thing he used to do, almost ran down the stars, watched as the person, who had helped him recognise who he truly was, turned into a ghost and watched until a group of students walked through the hallways and looked at him funnily cause he was still standing at his doorstep.
Nick did all that but he didn’t run after Charlie.

The break-up of Nick and Charlie went like this, it wasn’t anything special, break-ups like this happened every day, two people who simply evolved into two different directions. It wasn’t anything new, the hurt was well known and familiar but still, there were now to men who felt like this was the worst heartbreak anyone had ever have to witness while listening to the same song on their phones without knowing.
‘… I wish I could get back all of that time, I wish I never found out what it’s like, to love someone and lose them, I feel so fucking stupid, what a convincing illusion.’

 

-

Charlie was drumming an unsteady beat with his fingers on the notebook in his lap, the one Nick gave him as a present. Not that he had written anything into it yet but he still took it with him because it was the closest thing to Nicks company he had right now. He looked out the car window, saw the big office buildings and knew they were close to their destination.
The meeting with Alice was supposed to start ten minutes ago and Charlie betted that he would have been on time if he’d just took the subway but he was told that a driver would pick him up and they had been stuck in traffic. The fact that he was running late really didn’t help with his nervousness.

When the car arrived at the main office, Charlie opened the door as soon as the tires came to a halt, jogged over to the door and then stood panting in the escalator, hoping he had remembered the correct number of the floor. He stepped into the hallway he had been in just two days ago and only one of the doors was open. He walked over to it cautiously, peaked inside and could see a curly mop of hair.
“Hello,” he sheepishly said and gave a little wave as Alice lifted her face. “Sorry for being late, the traffic …” - “It’s awful, right? No worries though, come in and take a seat.”
They were in a different room this time, it was smaller and didn’t feel as cold but maybe that was because it was only the two of them. Charlie was thankful for that because Alice seemed like a genuinely nice person. He sat down at the table, not quite sure if he was ready for a lesson in being ‘a person of public interest’ as Alice called it.

What followed could be summarised like this: Don’t answer any questions unless someone told you the answer beforehand. Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know and that no one introduced you to or told you about, especially if they had a camera or a microphone. If there happened to be fans on the street, keep your eyes to the ground, walk straight ahead, listen to the security guards, no contact in any way.
“I know it seems harsh but we just have to be very careful at this stage into the stunt,” Alice said and probably meant to ease his mind a bit but the word stunt left a sour taste in Charlies mouth.
“It’s not just about Nicholas Nelson, well it is mostly about him, but we also want to keep you safe,” she added and her hand twitched as if she had wanted to lay it on top of his hands that were clutched tightly.
“I need you to sign this document. It’s basically a summary of everything I just told you and you simply state that you’ve heard about it all and agree to it. I know you’ve already signed a non-disclosure agreement, this is just a little attachment to it.”
When Charlie handed her back the papers, she clapped her hands in excitement.
“The next part will me much more fun, I swear!”

If his life would ever be turned into a movie, this would for sure be one of these collages of scenes where the main character went on a shopping spree and got a make over. Charlie could almost hear some upbeat pop song playing when Alice led him into another room two floors below. It was a dressing room that was bigger than his bedroom back home and he wondered why there even was the need for such a room in an office building. Alice answered his question before he could ask. “There’s conference rooms right next to us, if there’s press involved our clients need to look their best. Clothes can tell a whole story and for your first public appearance we wanna tell a good one, don’t we?”
She sounded way more cheery than Charlie felt when he looked at the clothes rail that was filled with all sorts of different tops, jackets and shirts and over to the big mirror that lined the wall. There also was a dressing table on one end of the room, accompanied by three red swivel chairs and another big mirror on the wall. Would he need to get changed in front of Alice?

Just when his stomach started to cramp together, the door opened and another person came in.
“Charlie, this is Remi! They will help us with the clothes and styling, they are a fashion genius. We kinda had to guess your size but if we have to get something tailored over night – Remi uses their needles like samurai swords!” Alice said and Remi rolled their eyes but still cracked a smile.
“Thank you Alice but I know you’re only being so charming because you know how much I’d hate it to spend another night tailoring in some damn dress,” Remi said and Charlie thought that they would probably get along with his sister quite well. They both had the same sharp-featured face and a sharp tongue. Remi was almost as tall as Charlie, probably just as lanky and their hair was just a fine black fluff.
“You don’t look like you’ll be wearing a dress though.” Remi was now talking to him and somehow the strict stare felt familiar and made him relax.
“I’m not sure that’s what would count as a good first impression,” he responded and shrugged as if he was gutted by the prospect of not wearing a dress.
“Who are you, exactly? Not one of the rugby players if I’m correct? Sorry for being biased but you don’t have the muscles.”

Alice explained what Charlies role was (she let out the kinda important part where he and Nick were just pretending to be in a relationship though) and Remi looked more interested now than ever.
“Hm, guess we have to play it safe, right Al?”
Charlie glanced over to Alice, who had slightly blushed and was nodding in agreement.
“We want people to see them as high school sweethearts,” she said and those simple words felt like a pinch to Charlies heart. High school sweethearts who didn’t make it out alive, that would fit a lot better but he didn’t say anything.

He had another moment where he felt like he was part of a teenage movie when he had to try on so many different outfits (luckily there was a small space separated by a dark curtain that he could go behind to change) and pose in front of the critical eyes of Alice and Remi. It was fun, he had to admit that, but after a while he felt tired. Remi gave him another outfit to try on (“It’s the last one, I promise!”) and when he was halfway dressed, he called out “Is this what you’d call a safe option?”

When he pulled the curtain away and stepped towards Alice (who was looking a bit weary) and Remi (who was beaming), Charlie felt torn between wanting to stay in this outfit forever and putting on the biggest sweater instead. He was wearing a tight black shirt, he wondered where Remi had found a shirt that would look this tight on his frame, black skinny jeans, combat boots and a black leather jacket. Alice eyes went comically wide when she saw him.
“Remi, he is not going to wear that!” she exclaimed and punched Remi on their upper arm, they just laughed.
“I know, I know! I just really wanted to see him in that outfit just once! Maybe you could convince your boss to let me turn him into a cool, hot biker boyfriend instead? No one else would even get looked at. Nicholas Nelson, who?”

The thought that Nick could ever pale beside him made Charlie laugh. In what alternate universe would that ever happen? He looked into the mirror and his laugh froze because well, he knew it was him but the man staring back at him right now looked so different.
“Some eyeliner and black nail polish, it would be perfect,” Remi sighed while Alice shook her head violently.
“Sorry, Charlie, but my trial period is just over and this is the first big stunt I’m working on, I absolutely will not let you wear that. It does suit you though.”
“I can take a photo and you can send it to that boyfriend of yours,” Remi said and expectantly held out their hand, so Charlie gave them his phone and told himself he would just show those pictures to Tao later. Would Nick even like him dressed like that?

In the end Alice and Remi agreed on a simple combo of a pair of black corduroy pants, a white button down shirt and a sweater vest. They debated whether or not he should wear glasses (“I like the cute nerd look,” Remi said and gave Alice a quick glance), decided he shouldn’t and then told him that yes, he could wear some converse but they’d get him new ones without any dirt on them.“What about the necklace?” Remi asked when Charlie had just changed back into his usual clothes (jeans and an oversized sweater, what else?). He instantly reached for the silver chain around his neck, a little pendant in the shape of an eyeball dangling from it.

Tori had bought for him as a joke. They had been on a big flea market and a woman was selling all these esoteric bits and pieces. She had talked to them and Charlie didn’t want to be rude and just brush her off, so he listened while she told him about the different crystals she was selling and their powers and offered him a tarot reading. Tori had stepped in at that, took the necklace with the eye pendant and said “We’ll take this!” just to get the woman to stop talking. She called after them as they left, saying that the eye would keep off evil spirits and Tori had given the necklace to Charlie because he could probably use is more than her.

“It’s a gift from my sister, I always wear it,” Charlie explained
“I guess we can keep it,” Alice said and Charlie felt relieved. He didn’t believe the necklace actually did anything but it held a memory he shared with his sister only and the thought of not wearing it to the party tomorrow had made him anxious.
“It’s supposed to fight off evil, isn’t it?” Remi asked when she took a closer look at the pendant. “Guess you could need that out there.”

When he was sitting in the car that drove him back to his dorm, he was mindlessly twiddling with his new necklace. The radio was playing softly, the city outside was lit up by traffic lights, billboards and Christmas lights and Charlies eyes were getting heavy.
‘… bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark, now she’s gonna play and sing and lock you in her heart.’

Notes:

putting Charlie in these emo rock clothes was pure fanservice to myself - I might need to write a whole story about punk rock leadsinger Charlie ...

songs mentioned:
Rosie Darling - What a Convincing Illusion
Lorde - Writer in the Dark

Chapter 10

Notes:

first things first: I am shocked no one noticed Alice in the last chapter :D
second thing: I am so grateful for your comments! <3

Nick called Charlie as soon as he got a text from him, saying that he was on his way back home from the meeting with Alice.

“Hi?”
Charlie sounded surprised that Nick was calling him. But he really needed to talk him because yesterday, Darcy had said something that made him feel nervous all day. She had asked if they would kiss at midnight and when he had looked at her dumbfounded, she had asked if they had talked about boundaries at all. That had rung a bell, Sai also had suggested they’d have that talk.
“Hi,” Nick said and he noted that he sounded like he was out of breath. “I need to talk to you about tomorrow.”
“Geez, Nick, I’m not even at home yet.”
Charlie definitely sounded like he was out of breath too and Nick could hear heavy footsteps so he was probably walking up some stairs.
“Sorry, I can call you later if …” - “No, it’s alright, what do you wanna talk about?”

 

Nick fiddled around with the hem of his shirt until Charlie called his name to check if he was still on the line.
“How should I touch you?”
The question sounded so stupid in his own ears that he immediately wished, he could take it back.
“Touch me?” Charlie asked, voice kinda high-pitched.
“In public! Like, when we’re at the party or wherever, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
That made Charlie laugh and Nick wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
“I might be uncomfortable anyway.”
“Oh … Well, I don’t wanna make it worse for you. But it would be weird if there was something like a safety zone between us, since we’re pretending to be boyfriends.”
The word felt bulky in his mouth. Boyfriends. What a silly word.

 

Something rattled in the background, maybe some keys which meant that Charlie was home.
“Give me a second, okay?” asked the younger man and then the sound became dull, maybe he had put the phone in his pocket to open the door. Nick started tearing at a little shred of skin by the nail of his right index finger. When Charlie spoke again, Nick had ripped the shred off and blood began to draw.
“You’re right,” Charlie said, “it would seem stranger if we kept our distance. I don’t know what your manager or anyone expects but we could hug, I guess? Hold hands?” He sounded wary.
“They expect us to look like a couple, hugging would be good, yes. Holding hands, too.”
Nick was still staring at the bit of blood on his finger. He thought about hugging Charlie and how he turned something so easy and natural into something that needed practice and coordination. When they had held hands in the past, whose thumb had laid on top? He remembered that they had tried holding their hands different once and it felt so stranger that they changed it in a second. Their hands had always fit into another, he never needed to think about it before.

 

“You hugged me when we were at your mum’s house.”
That was true. When they had said goodbye after their baking session, they had stood in front of each other, not sure how to leave. Nick had made the first move, had opened his arms for a hug and Charlie had felt weirdly familiar and weirdly unknown in his arms.
“That wasn’t in public.”
“I wouldn’t mind hugging you in public.”
Hearing that made Nicks heart to a little jump for no reason, no reason at all.
“I don’t mind hugging you in public as well.”
“So, hugs and holding in hands. There won’t be … I mean, we don’t …” Charlie trailed off, apparently too embarrassed to talk about what couples might do. Images of them kissing flooded Nicks mind which wasn’t helpful at all.
“Of course not!” he said a bit too eagerly. He didn’t want Charlie to think that the thought of kissing him weirded him out, of course it didn’t, but the whole discussion made him uneasy because these things should come natural, shouldn’t they? Consent and communication were key, of course they were, but this was on a different level. Also the images of them kissing were still floating around his head.

“Maybe that’s enough for tomorrow night,” Charlie said and it sounded like he wanted this call to end.
“Sure,” Nick replied and really didn’t want this call to end, not on this note. “I am really glad I’m doing this with you, Char.”
He hadn’t meant to use the old nickname, it had slipped from his tongue in a moment of honesty.
“Wait until you see me dancing tomorrow and you’ll wish you hadn’t agreed to this,” he added to maybe get a laugh out of Charlie. It worked.
“I’ll see you on the dance floor, Nick. Have a good night.”
“You too,” Nick said.
“Char,” he added once the call was already disconnected.

He tried to get his mind off of the conversation (and these images that came up every time he blinked) by putting on music loudly and starting to do push-ups.
He was so concentrated on moving his body the right way that he overheard lyrics of the song that had started playing.
‘… if I touch you like that would you like it, babe, if I asked to go out would it be date?’

 

-

 

Nick sat on the bed on the hotel room his manager had rented. They had chosen to get him and Charlie ready for the party at the hotel, drive over to the location and then bring them back here afterwards so that would look like they spend the night here together.
The room was generous and it all was a bit too fancy for his liking. The TV on the wall was too big, the big glass shower in bathroom had to be a pain to clean, there were too many pillows on the bed and the two armchairs by the window looked very expensive but not very comfortable.
Charlie was actually in the room next to his and Nick didn’t have the chance to talk to him yet because he had been shooed into his room as soon as he got here to put on different clothes and get styled. Nick was used to it by now, he used the time to mentally prepare himself for what was to come. He went over the plan for the night, played off the instructions his manager gave him in his head like a mantra, told himself that there was no need to be nervous.

 

There was still a bit of time left before they had to leave and Nick wondered if he could go over to Charlies room now.
“Hey Otis,” he called the security guard who was currently sitting in one of the armchairs. “Is Charlie ready? I wanna talk to him before we have to go.”
Otis raised a finger, meaning Nick should wait a second, before saying something into his headset. Sometimes Nick liked to imagine Otis was actually some undercover agent and he himself somehow managed to get involved in a top secret investigation and they’d fight crime like superheroes. A man could dream, right?
“Yup, he’s ready and you have some minutes left, let’s go to his room,” Otis said after listening to a voice in his ear.

 

The room Charlie was in was like an exact replica of his own. The only difference was the curly haired man that stood in front of the large window, arms slung around himself. He turned when Nick stepped in and let his arms fall down. He looked good, like some guy studying poetry that Nick had seen on TikTok when he tried to find out what ‘dark academia’ meant.
“Hi,” Nick said and his lips turned into a smile just by looking at the other man.
“Hi.” Charlies voice sounded a bit unsure and Nick noticed the way his fingers clung to the hem of his shirt but the sleeves weren’t made to be turned into sweater paws.

“The room’s not really my style,” he said to get Charlies mind off of whatever he was over-thinking. “The towels are a scam. They look super fluffy but somehow they don’t really soak in the water, it’s weird.” He went on and could see Charlie relax a bit, the notion of a smile forming on the younger ones face. “And who decided that you’d need this many pillows? When you go to bed, you’d have to make your way through this wall of pillows first and in the morning you have to pick ‘em all up again, what a waste of time!”
“It’s a good thing I’m not staying here then,” Charlie said and stuck his hands in the pocket of his pants. He wandered over to one of the blue armchairs and sat down.
“They’re sneaking you out after we come back here?”
“Yup, gotta stay for half an hour but then I can go back to Tao, Elle and Isaac. Tao’s pissed that I’ll miss our midnight tradition but he will live.”
“What kind of tradition is it?” Nick asked and walked towards him, sat down next to him on what must have been the most uncomfortable chairs ever.
“We write down things we wanna leave behind, tie the paper to a stone and throw it into the Thames. Isaac suggested it because he read about it in a novel and we’ve been doing it for a few years now. Tao says it’s dumb but he loves secretly loves it, he’s very keen on customs our group of friends makes up.”
Nick remembered how disappointed Tao had been when he and Charlie had started hanging out in school and Charlie missed their weekly movie nights.


Nick just opened his mouth to say something when the door opened and Otis face showed up.
“We gotta go, boys,” he said, calling them boys even though he wasn’t much older than Nick.
They got up and Charlies hands had turned into fists again, Nick wanted to reach out for him but wasn’t sure if he was allowed to.

They went down into the lobby of the hotel and Nick could already see a growing group of people milling about by the front door. Alice had met them at the escalators and gave them some last instructions. “Nick, you go first and Charlie right behind you. We’ve told Sports Illustrated that you’re gonna be accompanied by your boyfriend tonight and they tweeted about it an hour ago, so these people out there will probably take pictures and ask questions but you go straight to the car that’s already waiting for you.”
Nick was glad to see not only Otis but other security guards as well, he didn’t want Charlie to get hurt out there. He tucked on Otis jacket and the man turned to him.
“Could you stay with Charlie? I can go with one of the other ones,” he quietly said and Otis looked at him for a second before nodding. Nick trusted Otis completely and knowing that he’d stay close to Charlie made him feel better. The security men and women did one last review and then Nick went towards the door, flashing lights greeting him through the glass already.

 

Security kept the paparazzi at bay and him and Charlie got in the car quickly.
Nick fastened his seat belt before turning to the man next to him, whose face looked pale, fingers clasped to the seat.
“Charlie,” he said and without thinking he reached for his left hand, taking it into his own and gently stroking it. “You okay?”
“That was intense,” Charlie said and shook his head as if to get rid of the strange situation.
“It’s gonna be a bit different at the party. We just have to get inside, the photographers there are more polite.”
Nick could feel the tension removing from Charlies fingers and let go of his hand.

 

They spent the car ride and silence, it was just a few minutes before they arrived at a private club that Nick had been to to parties before. A crowd of paparazzi and fans had gathered here as well and while there were other celebrities turning up it was safe to say that Nick and his new fake-boyfriend were the most anticipated people.
“It’s gonna be fine once we’re inside,” Nick assured the man next to him.
“Uhm, maybe you could hold my hand again?” Charlies words were only a whisper and Nick had to lean in to actually be able to hear them.
When the door was opened, Nick stepped out of the car first, took a step to the side and waited for Charlie to get out as well. The black haired man looked around, eyes widening and the smile on his face looked like it was carved in lopsided.
Nick took his hand, interlacing their fingers, giving the other man a small squeeze before turning to the crowd with a wide grin on his face.

He had always been good at this – smiling for the cameras, having fun in the spotlight, it just came easy for him. Normally he would have taken his time, maybe sign the jersey a fan was holding up into the air, strike a silly pose in front of a camera, but now he just waved a little and smiles while holding tightly on to Charlies hand.
Charlie was directly behind him like he was trying to hide behind Nicks broad shoulders and Nick was glad the security was shielding them off as good as possible.
When they got inside he let out a breath and turned to Charlie who was scanning the room they just entered. The room was drowned in purple light and the music was a steady undertone for the conversations everyone was engaged in.

People were greeting each other so excitedly as if they hadn’t seen each other in years, short dresses gave sight to perfect bronzed skin, jewellery sparkled in the low light, glasses were clinked. Since it was a more private party with a strictly isolated area for professional photos, everyone seemed happy and unwound. They were offered some champagne glasses almost immediately but as Charlie declined, Nick did so too.

A voice cut through the noise as a man emerged before them. “Nicholas Nelson! Good to see you, man!” the man cheered at pulled Nick into a hug.
“Hey Christian, didn’t know you’d be here,” he responded, glad to see a familiar face.
“And this has to be Charlie, the old but new boyfriend,” Christian said and raised an eyebrow, grinning knowingly.
Nick quickly told Charlie that Christian was a team mate and good friend and that he knew about their agreement.
“Must be pretty overwhelming, right?” Christian asked Charlie and got a nod in return.
“Hey, I have to go and greet some other people, we’ll see each other later for a drink,” Christian said and clapped Nick on the back before disappearing into the crowd.
“We should probably walk around a bit, too,” Nick said and felt Charlies grip on his hand tighten. They hadn’t let go yet and Nick didn’t mean to for as long as it brought Charlie some comfort. It brought him some, too.

 

They walked further into the room, Nick looking out for people he knew, greeting people in passing, glancing at Charlie every few seconds to see if the other man was okay while the music was buzzing around them. Nick could see Charlie silently singing along to the current song as if he knew it by heart.

‘… I get anxious in a crowd, can we turn the music down, I don’t wanna miss connections, I’m afraid of missing out.’

Notes:

what might the rest of the night hold for our two boys? you'll see in the next chapter xx

songs mentioned:
L Devine - Like You Like That
Rosie Darling - Golden Age

Chapter 11

Notes:

after some tough chapters, this will hopefully make amends :)

It wasn’t as bad as Charlie had thought. When he had seen the people waiting for them in front of the hotel earlier, he had wanted to teleport back into his flat or maybe even travel through time to a point where he could still say no to all of this.
But they had been at the party for a while now and he started to feel more at ease. Yes, some people were curious about him (he didn’t remember a single name of the people Nick introduced him to) but most of them were too busy drinking, dancing and chatting to really care about him.
It was weird because he’d seen at least one singer he really admired make an absolute fool of himself on the dance floor and a girl he was pretty sure he knew from a TV show had asked him the way to the loo. They were just normal people having a party even if their drinks were probably more expensive than anything Charlie had ever drunk.

It felt good being able to hold on to Nick though, it was like having a lifeline.
Charlie wondered what time it was, if his friends were done with the chocolate fondue by now, if Isaac was bribing them into some karaoke or if they played cards. He wished he had his phone with him but Alice had told him to leave it at the hotel so he wouldn’t take any scandalous pictures (as if he’d do that) or hide behind his screen the whole time (okay, he’d absolutely do that).

While some people around them were visibly tipsy or drunk, Charlie hadn’t had any alcohol. Nick had gotten him some virgin cocktails that Charlie had been thankful for because it got quite hot in here. “We should go and get some photos taken soon,” Nick said into his ear and Charlie nodded.
He followed him through different rooms with different music playing, then down a broad hallway with some seating areas where it was more quiet and behind a door was something that looked like a set up for a movie premiere as far as Charlie could tell.

There was a real red carpet and big banners with some brand names on them which were used as a background for pictures. A group of four young women were currently posing for a group of photographers. Charlie knew that he had seen their faces before but he didn’t remember in what context. They were hugging, smiling and batting their eye lashes, those photos would surely look gorgeous.
But after they were done, they kinda let go of each other the way you let go of something too hot. It was absurd, they had looked like such good friends merely moments ago and now they walked off as if they didn’t care about each other at all.
“That is so weird,” Charlie muttered and Nick shrugged his shoulders. “We’re the ones pretending to date,” he quietly said and well, Charlie couldn’t argue with that.

They waited a bit, then they walked onto the red carpet and Charlie expected the cameras to just go off but they were told where to stand first to get the best lighting and the most visible brand names in the background. He felt stiff, couldn’t remember how to stand naturally any more when he saw the big lenses, heard someone shout for Nick to turn his head, he felt too hot under his sweater vest, trying real hard not to clench his fists, he was supposed to smile – suddenly Nicks arm slung around his waist, pulling him closer, their bodies touching.
Charlie looked at him, had to look up like he always had and Nicks smile drowned out the noise around him.

Nick leaned in, his lips almost brushing against Charlies ear. “You need to breathe,” he whispered and Charlie did, was able to breathe and actually accomplished a smile that didn’t feel like a grimace. The cameras clicked like crazy, lights flashed into his eyes until he couldn’t see the people behind the cameras any more.
“Let’s give them a good one,” Nick murmured and before Charlie really understood, he had been lifted off the ground and thrown over Nicks shoulder, arms waving through the air and feet kicking.
Nick laughed while Charlie shouted and started hammering onto the other man’s back to be let down.

When his feet touched the ground his cheeks felt flaming hot and he punched Nick into the side whereupon Nick laughed even harder.
“Thank you, guys, these are gonna sell well,” someone shouted and Nick was still laughing when he guided Charlie out of the room.
“You’ve lost your mind,” Charlie stated when Nicks laughter finally faded out.
“We’re young and in love, why shouldn’t we have a bit of fun?” Nick teased and didn’t seem to notice the way Charlie tensed up at the word love. That’s exactly what they had been – young and in love. Now they were still young and only pretending to be in love which was a huge difference.

“Are you drunk?” he asked and Nick thought about it for a second before shaking his head. "Nope, just a tiny bit jingled. But we should get something to drink to celebrate our first photo shooting!” One drink couldn’t hurt, could it?

More than one drink later, Charlie found himself on the dance floor.
In front of him danced a brunette woman, Christians girlfriend, who he had gotten along with quite well. She had dragged him onto the dance floor after they had found out that they both absolutely loved whatever song was playing. Everyone around him was dancing, jumping up and down and no one seemed to mind him. He was about to get lost in the music when Christian showed up, pulling a red faced Nick after him.
“I brought your boyfriend so I can steal my girl,” Christian shouted and shoved Nick towards Charlie.
Charlie instantly grabbed Nicks arms as the man stumbled towards him. When Nick mouthed “sorry” at him and wanted to take a step away from him, Charlie didn’t let go.
He really liked those arms.
“You should dance with me!” he shouted and stepped closer to Nick, whose shirt was sticking to his chest.

Their dancing was off-beat but it didn’t matter because Charlie stared into Nicks eyes and thought about how they looked like that one type of gemstone that he couldn’t remember the name of.

‘… I’m getting way to deep, I’m fucking into it, I’m into it, yeah I’m into it.’


-

The whole room was shouting, counting down the numbers to the new year. Nick shouted with them, took a look at Charlie who was smiling and shouting too and the next number got stuck in his throat.
They wouldn’t kiss at midnight, they had talked about that. But Nick didn’t know if maybe he wouldn’t mind if they did. Okay, maybe he wanted to a little but Charlie probably didn’t and they both were a bit drunk and this really shouldn’t be happening. The crowd around him erupted in screams and cheers and Charlie turned around and met his eyes, lips looking shiny.
Nick pulled him into a hug, wrapped his arms around the thin body and felt Charlies hands painting circles on his back.
When he let go, he looked into Charlies face, wanted to wish him a happy new year but people around them were already pulling them into hugs, strangers shouting “Happy New Year!” at him and he could only make out the mop of dark curls in the crowd.

They left soon after.
Getting into the car was easy because some D-list celebrities were having a fight outside and all cameras were pointed at them.
“That was unbelievable,” Charlie said and sank into his seat, he looked a bit rumpled but his face was beaming. Nick chuckled at that and let his head fall against the headrest.
“You all good then?” Otis asked from the drivers seat and looked at them in the rear view.
“I can’t believe the Pink Girls aren’t actual friends,” was Charlies answer. Otis gave him a puzzled look through the rear mirror.

“They have this show about weddings! They were each others bridesmaids and now they plan weddings for others and always preach about how they’re like sisters. Isaac is gonna flip when I tell him they’re no friends in real life.” Charlie was happily chatting about their evening, probably high on adrenaline. Nick was getting tired, he had thought about driving back to his flat but maybe he would just stay at the hotel, throw all the pillows off the bed and go to sleep.
When they reached the hotel, Nick was glad they were using the underground car park now.

Nick had just changed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt without bothering to shower, when it knocked on the door of his hotel room. He went to open it and saw Charlie staying there, holding a backpack in his hands. He was wearing jeans and a grey sweater now, his curls looked ruffled.
“Uhm, I’m gonna ask Otis to give me a ride but I wanted to say good night first.”
Right, Charlie was going back to his flat to meet his friends, probably tell them all about tonight and Nick felt the urge to say anything to make him stay a bit longer. He had felt so tired when they got on the escalator, had just wanted to get out of his sweaty clothes and forgot that Charlie would leave.

“I hope I could live up to whatever standards there are for fake boyfriends,” Charlie said and Nick had to smile at that.
“I bet you exceeded them.”
They just stood there, the seconds of the new year ticking away.

“It was a lot. Like, I never knew what it’s like to be in the spotlight and this was just a taste of it but like, wow, it’s a lot,” Charlie stammered and Nick took a step back into his room.
“You wanna talk about it?”

They ended up sitting on the bed because Nick refused to sit on those armchairs ever again.
Nick was propped up against the bed frame and Charlie was sitting with his legs crossed, hugging one of the many pillows Nick had tossed on the floor. They talked about whether someone would be mad about the pictures and Nick promised to take any blame for the ones where Charlie was thrown over his shoulder. Charlie asked about Christian and his girlfriend (“Oh right, her name’s Rebekka, I totally forgot that but I really liked her!”) and Nick asked where he learned those dance moves which resulted in Charlie throwing the pillow at him.

It felt nice to have someone to talk to, someone who had had the same night and knew exactly what he meant when he talked about the horrible blue drink they had been talked into trying (“Wasn’t the brand some kind of sponsor? I can’t believe we posed in front of that drinks name for our first ever couple pictures!”) or who also remembered that one really good song that had played at some point. Charlie crawled over to him and they both looked at Nicks phone, trying to find the song by the few words they still remembered. Nick suggested they use this app that could find any song if you played it and they broke into laughter when they tried to sing it.

Charlies laugh turned into a yawn and Nick rubbed his eyes that had been heavy since they had sat in the car.
“You’re gonna stay here, right?” Charlie asked and rested his head against Nicks shoulder.
“Yeah, unless Otis is willing to carry me into my apartment.”
He didn’t even realise it but somehow his arm had found its way around Charlie and his fingers were running through the younger man’s curls.

“He’d probably carry me,” Charlie yawned, “I’m not as heavy as you.”
Nick pulled at one of Charlies curls in response.
“Shall I call him to drive you home?” He didn’t want Charlie to leave but the other man didn’t need to know that.

“Or I could stay.”
Charlies voice was hushed, he sounded sleepy and his head against Nicks shoulder got heavier.
“You could do that,” Nick whispered and his fingers grazed Charlies nape of the neck.
“Okay,” Charlie murmured and cuddled into him. He fit right into his arms as if he had never left. Nick gently moved them into a lying position, when hoisting the blanket over them, he could see that Charlie had his eyes closed.

It was still in the first few hours of the new year and Nick Nelson couldn’t believe that he started the new year staring at the ceiling of a hotel room, lying next to the person he said his first ever “I love you” to when he was younger. “Happy new year, Charlie,” he whispered even if he knew the younger man was fast asleep.
Nick closed his eyes and hummed the melody of the song they had tried to find earlier.

‘… though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to the shore.’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Atlantic Chase - Into It
Of Monsters And Men - Little Talks

Chapter 12

Notes:

merry christmas everyone! (merry crisis fits better but let's not get into that)
my gift to you is another chapter of our favourite boys being dumb. enjoy!

Isaac Henderson was a good friend. But he had never woken up to an ex boyfriend, who he was pretending to date, in a hotel room. He’d never stared at said ex boyfriend, features soft, lips slightly parted, hair tousled onto his forehead. He’d never let out a sigh of relief when he noticed he was still wearing clothes, never gulped down the bitter taste in his mouth, never tried to look away from the man next to him but just kept staring.
He’d never thought ‘fuck’ and ‘there are probably a thousand missed calls from Tao on my phone’ and ‘should I wake him up’ and ‘I like seeing you first thing in the moment’ and ‘I really can not deal with this right now’.
He’d never sneaked out of bed, grabbed his phone, backpack and shoes and took a look back before quietly slipping out the room. He’d never frozen by the sight of a familiar security man standing in the hallway, he’d never wondered if that man ever slept. He’d never gotten asked if he needed a ride home and nodded in shame even though he did nothing wrong.
He’d never sat in silence in the car, kneading his fingers in his lap, not daring to look at his phone. He’d never sprinted out of a car and up to the flat he shared with his best friend and he’d never stumbled into the tiny kitchen unit and found another of his friends sitting there, reading a book while drinking a cup of coffee.

Isaac had never done any of those things but he did sit at the tiniest table Charlie and Tao had been able to squeeze into the kitchen, stirred his coffee and turned a page of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, raising an eyebrow when a ruffled looking Charlie suddenly stood before him.
“I am glad you’re alive even if Tao will most likely kill you as soon as he wakes up,” he said and folded in the edge of the current page before closing his book. Most of the people he shared courses with flinched whenever they saw him earmarking his books like this but Isaac thought that books weren’t made to be put behind glass and kept perfectly clean. He liked when they looked well read and well loved, with dog-ears and sticky notes and favourite quotes marked with a pen.

Charlie stuttered some unintelligibly words.
“There’s coffee in the pot if you want some. You look like you’ve slept well though.” Isaac was good at reading people, maybe because he was reading about people and their little quirks all the time, he knew all the ways writers described the different feelings of their characters, he could see them in the people around him. Of course, Charlie looked stressed, puzzled, like he needed to talk about something but didn’t want to yet but he also looked well rested.

Isaac watched as Charlie poured himself a cup of coffee. He wouldn’t try to get him to talk, he would wait until his friend was ready to tell him whatever he wanted to. They had been friends for years but had become closer since they started making music together. Isaac liked that they shared this passion, just the two of them, he knew how personal song lyrics could be and the fact that Charlie showed him his writing and trusted him to bring his words to life with his voice had strengthened their bond immensely. In the beginning, Tao would sometimes get a bit annoyed whenever Charlie showed Isaac some lyrics he was working on but didn’t allow Tao to read it. He got over that pretty quick though.

They drank their coffee and Isaac went back to reading. He knew several lines by heart, like the one from the fifth act when Puck said “If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear”. Isaac just turned another page when Charlie started talking.
“We went back to the hotel after midnight and I meant to come here to you, Tao and Elle. But then I started talking to Nick about the party, which feels like it was ages ago now, and we somehow ended up in bed.”

Isaac raised his eyebrows once again and Charlie turned bright red.
“No, not like that! I mean, we ended up sitting on his bed, just talking, you know? I think we were looking at something on his phone and it was late and I was so tired and we … we kinda fell asleep and I didn’t wake up a single time through the whole night.”
Isaac knew that this was something Charlie struggled with. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back asleep for hours. Charlie burrowed his face in his hands, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe this was his life now.
“When I woke up it felt so weird and also not weird because we woke up like this a hundred times but like, not recently. And I sneaked out. Is that bad?” he asked and peeped at Isaac through his fingers.

“I think it’s pretty reasonable,” Isaac answered, “but you should probably text him or something because if I remember correctly, he can be just as bad as you when it comes to overthinking.” They could hear the bedroom door of Tao open and close, slow footsteps making their way to the bathroom.
“You might want to do it now before Tao starts his interrogation,” Isaac added and took a last sip from his cup while Charlie groaned and hid behind his fingers again.

Isaac Henderson had never had an ex boyfriend who became famous, came out as bi and then asked him to be his fake boyfriend – and he was pretty damn glad about that. Another one of his favourite quotes from the play he was reading came to his mind.

‘Lord, what fools these mortals be.’

 

-

 

Nick hadn’t seen his manager look so happy since his coming out. They were currently on a video call via telephone while Nick was running on a treadmill.
“… nearly all positive! We were also able to regain a sponsor that had wanted to bail out before Christmas. Even the more conservative brands have picked up on the benefits of being seen as supportive of the LGBT+ movement.”
Nick nearly tripped over his feet and hurried to slow down the treadmill. “Which sponsor are you talking about?” he asked and couldn’t keep his voice from sounding huffed. The thought of wearing a jersey with the logo of a brand that had wanted to drop them because of his sexuality and only didn’t because they came to the conclusion that they could benefit from it, made him sick. “Can’t tell you that, Nelson, I’m sorry,” his manager said which was probably a wise move.

“Of course there are some magazines and also fans calling it a PR stunt. The only way to deal with that is to keep the stunt going until a public break-up won’t have a negative effect. There’s a charity event in two weeks that I wanted you two to attend but the PR department said if would be better to keep it low key for a bit and not be too obvious. Alice will send you a timetable with different dates you’ll be going on.”
Nick had slowed down the treadmill so far that by now he was only walking. He had heard from Alice yesterday, they had talked about starting to use his social media accounts again. Thinking about getting a damn timetable for fake dates was ridiculous but obviously the whole wasn’t done after going to a single party.

Somehow the pictures of him carrying Charlie on his shoulder hadn’t made it public and while that was most likely a good thing, Nick had really wanted to see those. He had not dared to actually look up news articles about him after New Year’s Eve but Darcy had send him screenshots of the pictures that had been taken on the red carpet. Her texts had consisted of an army of emojis and Nick had to admit that the photos did look good.
Okay, maybe he had saved them and put them into a separate album on his phone but only because he might needed them for his social media or something. Not to just stare at them, obviously.

There was this one photo where he had pulled Charlie close and they both looked in each others eyes as if there weren’t any cameras, any other slightly drunk party guests or a set up red carpet around. That moment had only been the blink of an eye but now this blink was frozen for eternity on his phone, ready to be looked at whenever.
Nick didn’t really remember what had been going through his mind then but when he looked at it now, it reminded him of the pictures he and Charlie took at Charlies graduation. They had looked just as proud and happy and only slightly awkward because of all the fuss around them.

Nick hadn’t even noticed that his manager had ended the call, he was still staring at his screen, putting one foot in front of the other. His fingers found the button to speed up the treadmill again and he managed to take a quick, not too blurry selfie throwing a peace sign. He tried to think of a caption but couldn’t come up with anything witty so he just posted the photo onto his Instagram story and turned his focus back on his run when the likes started to come in.

Two hours later he was back in his flat, sipping on some protein shake and ready to open the mail from Alice that waited in his inbox.
He liked Alice. He hadn’t talked to her much but she had been very nice to Charlie and that was enough for him to like her. There was a date scheduled for next week, apparently they would go out for dinner at some place Nick had never heard of. There were only two problems: calling it a date struck Nick as weird (not that he could think of a word that would fit better) and while Charlie had told him he was better, maybe eating food in public was still too much.

Nick opened his and Charlies chat to ask if he had gotten the same mail and how he felt about the date slash appointment slash however he would call it. He hadn’t seen the other man since he had woken up alone in a hotel room. He had scolded himself, that night and especially the part where they fell asleep in each others arms (his cheeks warmed up when he thought about that) had been way too intimate to be healthy for this arrangement. Because that was a fact: it was an arrangement, something a PR team had thought of, a contract they had signed in order to save his reputation.
He had felt better once Charlie had texted him.
‘Didn’t mean to run away, needed to get home before Tao went berserk’

They didn’t talk about how they had slept in the same bed for the first time in years. What would they even say? You still hog the blanket? You still snore? You still look incredibly kissable when you pout
in your sleep? Nope, Nick wouldn’t say a word unless Charlie did first.

‘Sooo, looks like we’re going out for dinner next week. If you don’t wanna do anything food related I’ll talk to Alice’
‘Dinner is fine. You better take me somewhere fancy though’
‘Always so modest’
‘Tao looked up your net worth’

When he grew up, Nick had always had everything he needed. Not everything he had wanted but that was more about not turning into a greedy brat and less about his mum not being able to afford it. They had gone on vacations, he had worn those ugly but expensive shoes that were oh so cool when he was about ten years old, he had been able to pursue different hobbies. He never had to worry about money.
But now, he sometimes felt embarrassed when he looked at the numbers in his bank account. He ran around a field and threw a ball for a living, how could he earn so much money when there were people saving lives, teaching kids how to read, putting out fires and helping animals who would never live as comfortably as him?

His thoughts began to spiral and twenty minutes later he found himself donating money to an animal shelter online. He scrolled through the dogs looking for a home and wanted to adopt every single one. Damn, he really missed Nellie and Henry. The sound of paws on the floor, the wet kisses when he came home, the soft fur that found its way everywhere (seriously, he had found one on his tooth brush before), the space they took up in bed.
But right now owning a dog just didn’t fit into his life and Nick knew that. Maybe if he didn’t live alone, if he had a partner … he tried not to think about how Charlies face had lit up when he had seen the two dogs at Nicks house again.

He took screenshots of the dogs that had been at the shelter the longest and sent them to Darcy, accompanied by lots of emojis with teary eyes. This resulted in getting back a ton of heart emojis and a text from Tara that said ‘Nicholas, we have talked about this – do not send my girlfriend pictures of cute dogs or she will adopt them all!’

‘That’s what I’m hoping for so I can come and visit my godchildren all the time’
‘Who said you’d be the godfather?’
‘Who found out Darcys ring size for you?’
‘Shut up!’
‘The dog could be the ring bearer!’
‘NICHOLAS NO’
‘Nicholas Yes!!!’

When Tara had told him how she was trying to find a way to secretly find out Darcys ring size (who never wore rings), he had offered to help right away. Okay, he had gaped at her for a good minute and then he had offered his help.
Tara and Darcy weren’t any older than him and the idea of getting married was so far from him that he had been completely stunned that other people his age actually got engaged. He would have betted that Darcy would be the one to propose, most likely by planning a flash mob or something, but it was Tara who was hiding a small box between her dance clothes for several weeks now.

Originally, Nick had wanted to go ring shopping with her but Tara had noted that it would maybe spark some rumours if he was seen at a jeweller with a woman. Even if is was just some gossip, Darcy could hear about it and the whole thing would be ruined. There had been rumours about Nick possibly dating Tara before when some pictures of the two of them hugging had circulated on the internet. It was ridiculous to no end because just a few seconds after that hug, Darcy had arrived and given her girlfriend a not very subtle kiss. There hadn’t been any pictures of that though.

Nick got up from the couch and went into his kitchen to make himself some dinner. He hooked up his phone to speaker and did a pretty awesome interpretation of Toxic while chopping onions. It was a pity no one could see him.
‘… too high, can’t come down, losing my head, spinning round and round.’

Notes:

important question: parts written with the focus on one of the other characters - yes or no?
there are more to come, if you say no that won't change but i just wanna know haha

songs mentioned:
Britney Spears - Toxic

Chapter 13

Notes:

another chapter for you! have fun reading :) xx

Charlie liked snow but he didn’t like snow in London. The city never looked peacefully snowed in, calmed down to a white wonderland, no, the snow just turned into a dirty grey mush. Some of this mush had just gotten sprayed onto his jeans when a car had driven through a pile of dirty remains of snow too close to him. He was on his way to get some groceries but was currently making a detour to step into his favourite music store.

He could spend hours in here, look through the vinyl records and chat to Aled, who worked here, about the latest releases. Usually he liked small independent stores that weren’t as fancy but he had just strolled in here some day and when he laid eyes on the grand piano made from polished walnut, he always looked for a reason to come back. He had lurked around the piano for weeks, not daring to touch it even if his fingers were trembling with anticipation. Instead he had stared at the instrument longingly until an employee had come up to him and offered him to sit down and actually play.

That employee had been Aled and since then Charlie visited the shop regularly to play a few tunes. There were thick red ropes as barriers around the expensive piano but all people working here knew him by now and sometimes asked for a specific song that Charlie happily played for them. The small black keyboard in his bedroom was nothing compared to this beauty and Charlie felt honoured whenever he sat down on the little stool and let his fingers rest on the keys, a form of peace entering his body as soon as he played the first note.

When he left the store a while later to finally pick up the groceries they needed for dinner, his fingers were slightly dancing in the air as if he was still playing. The supermarket wasn’t too crowded and Charlie just bagged up his stuff when he noticed the cashier narrowing her eyes on him. She didn’t say anything though and didn’t stop him when he left the store but when he took a look back, he could see she was still watching him. Did he have something on face? Hastily he wiped over his face with the sleeve of his coat.

At the time that he unloaded the vegetables, bread, milk and pasta at the kitchenette in his and Taos flat, he had nearly forgotten about the starring girl. He cooked up some noodles with veggie bolognese sauce. His resolution for the new year was to eat less meat, a decision Tao hadn’t been too happy about because he was worried that this was Charlie restricting himself of food in a way. But that was not the intention behind his resolution. He had watched a documentary about animals kept in mass stocks one night when he couldn’t sleep and the pictures now haunted him whenever he ate meat.

Tao got home when dinner was almost ready.
“This feels rather domestic,” he said after he had slipped out of his dirty boots.
“Don’t you love it?”
Tao rolled his eyes but his lips turned into a smile. Living together with your best friends wasn’t always easy, they had fought about whose turn it was to clean the bathroom and Tao had had a small meltdown when he found out that Charlie didn’t put salt into the water when cooking noodles (“I don’t taste any difference!” - “Because your taste buds have withered away from years of your fathers bland cooking!” - “Excuse me?!”). But none of them would have wanted it any other way.

Well, not until recently.
Charlie knew that Tao and Elle had talked about moving in together, the walls were that thin, and he got it, it was logical for them wanting to live together but he was happy with the way it was right now. Sometimes he wished they could just buy a house and Isaac, Tao, Elle and him could all live there together. That would be fun.

He and Tao sat down on his bed, bowl with pasta in their lap, ready to watch the newest episode of that show about kids doing ballroom dancing. It was their weekly ritual and it was nice to sit there and listen to Tao who turned into a judgmental dance dad as soon as the theme melody started playing.
“Oh god, if Olivia fucks up that rumba routine again, I’m going to spontaneously combust. It’s not that hard!”
“Tao, you would trip over yourself in seconds if you had to do any of these dances.”
“Well, yes, but this isn’t about me, it’s about them not making it to the finals if Olivia doesn’t step up her game. The world of dance is a harsh one, Charlie.”
“I’m glad you’re not my dad.”
“Oh, I would have made you into a world champion by now and we would be swimming in money!”

Charlies phone interrupted them, a tone signalled a new entry in his calendar. He’d never used the calendar app much before but Alice had insisted that she needed to line up appointments for him. The entry read ‘dinner with Nick’ and was set in a couple of days. Tao, who had leaned in to take a look at his phone screen, raised his eyebrows.
“So that’s gonna ruin another movie night, then?” he asked and stuffed a spoon full of pasta into his mouth. He hadn’t exactly been angry that Charlie didn’t come home after the New Year’s Eve party but Charlie had sensed his disappointment.
“It’s not gonna take that long,” he said quickly, “we can still watch a movie afterwards.”
“Unless you fall asleep in his bed again.”

Charlie groaned and shoved Tao who nearly let his bowl fall onto the bed sheets.
“That was an accident and it was a hotel bed, not his bed.”
“Oh excuse me, his hotel bed, of course that’s a difference!”
“I was tired, it was late. This is just gonna be an hour or two for dinner.”
“If you say so,” Tao said and went back to eating while Charlie put his phone on his nightstand.

“It’s only for PR reasons, it doesn’t mean anything,” he said quietly. He kinda needed to remind himself of that, too, because the promise to see Nick again in a few days made his stomach feel funny. “Better keep that in mind,” Tao responded and they watched the rest of the episode in an uncomfortable silence.

When Charlie went to sleep that night, he saw the ‘good night’ text that he had gotten used to getting from Nick. He thought about not replying for a second as if to prove anything to his best friend but Tao wouldn’t even know about it unless Charlie told him. ‘I didn’t text my ex boyfriend who I am fake dating good night, see how it doesn’t mean anything to me at all?’ - yeah, he was not gonna say that to him.
‘sleep tight’ he replied and when Nick sent him a GIF of a baby duck that couldn’t keep its eyes open, he couldn’t not smile.

He put on a playlist of songs that were supposed to make you fall asleep, knowing that he would most likely wake up in a few hours any ways and not be able to go back to sleep again.
‘… can’t look at those eyes without sparking some, electrify my heart’

 

-

 

Elle Argent was a good friend. Not only to her actual friends but also to the kids and teens at the LGBT+ community centre. She had wiped away tears, given pep talks, helped with homework, held hands and folded too many origami butterflies for their open day last summer. Right now she was re-organising the books in the newly painted bookshelf because the kids didn’t seem to care much about the system she had come up with. Maybe she needed to dig out the labelling machine again. (She would not need to dig, she knew exactly where it was because she loved that little thing dearly. Labelling was fun, okay?)

A group of young teens sat around a table, leaning over a magazine and whispering eagerly. “No, you ask her!” Elle ears perked up at that but she acted like she didn’t heart it. Whatever it was, they needed to approach her themselves. They probably were not going to ask if they could help her tidy up the room though. Sadly, because the place was a bit of a mess.

“Hey, Elle,” a girl called and Elle turned around, ready to be faced with whatever was going on.
“Aren’t you friends with Charlie Spring?” Okay, so maybe she had not been ready for that question. Where did it even come from?
“Yes, I am,” she said and walked over to the table while the girl said “I told you so!” and the other teens gaped at her.
“Your friend is dating Nick Nelson?!” a boy asked and held up the magazine they all had been looking at.

And there they were – pictures of Charlie and Nick posing on a red carpet, looking terribly cute just like they always had. Elle knew about the whole fake dating thing, of course she did, but she had kinda forgotten that people would come up to her and start asking about her friends relationship.
“Uhm, yes, he is,” she stated and was met with five very impressed faces.

“He was at our last summer festival! I remember him, he helped setting up the speakers and the microphone for Jim’s speech,” a blonde boy said and now they all tried to think of times when they had met Charlie. Elle threw a glance at the magazine cover because while she acted like it was no big deal, she would absolutely run to the next shop to buy the exact same magazine as soon as possible. Should she cut out the photos and the article or would that be too much?

The voice of the girl who had asked if she and Charlie were friends interrupted her train of thought.
“Could you ask them, if they can visit the centre? That would be so cool!” The other four teens chimed in, talking all over each other.
“Can you get me an autograph from Nick?”
“They look so sweet together, I definitely ship it.”
“Even I think Nick Nelson is hot and I’m not even into boys.”
“Can you ask Charlie where he got those pants? They look dope.”

Elle hushed them with her index finger lifted to her mouth.
“I’ll tell you a bit about Charlie and Nick,” she said, “but we need to clear out the place first, okay?” As the kids hurried to get to work, she walked to the small office space to get the labelling machine. She wouldn’t tell them anything personal, maybe an anecdote or two about their time in high school. How they had always done their homework and that Nick used to bake a really good carrot cake which was such a coincidence because the centre’s game night still needed some people who would provide some cake and cupcakes.

Elle could hear some song as she walked back from the office, the kids must have put the music on which always helped with unpopular tasks.
‘… I’m just eighteen, don’t have experience, can’t help the fact that I caught feelings.’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Jack Stauber - Buttercup
Natalie Jane - Mentally Cheating

Chapter 14

Charlie was brushing his teeth and checked the time on his phone again. Since he did it the last time merely moments ago, the numbers hadn’t changed. Okay, so he might be nervous but that was completely normal before a date. Or a fake date, yeah, it was probably even more normal to be nervous before that.
He had changed outfits three times before Elle had stepped in and told him he looked fine while Tao had threatened to shut the drawers of his dresser with a drill (which was a bold promise from someone who didn’t know shit about tools). Now Charlie was dressed in grey pants and a soft beige sweater from Elle with a cable pattern. He was still worried that he wouldn’t be dressed up enough but they had looked up the restaurant online and while the food was expensive it didn’t seem like a place you would only enter in a suit and tie.

Elles’ sweater smelled a bit of her perfume, something flowery that fit her bright personality. It was a familiar scent that he liked. Would Nick notice it and think it was weird that Charlie smelled of flowers? Nah, he wouldn’t get that close to him. He’d have to burrow his face in the fabric which wouldn’t happen because they’d be in public, in a restaurant with a table between them. Charlie let cold water run over his wrists to cool down and stop thinking.
When he checked the time again, he saw a message from Nick. ‘picking you up in five’

Charlie escaped the bathroom and went to say bye to his friends who were currently in the kitchen unit, trying to think of what to eat for dinner.
“I’ll be off to … you know,” he said and Elle sprung up and came really close to his face. He jerked back but she grabbed his chin, licked her thumb and wiped away some toothpaste from his skin. “Ew, don’t do that,” he cried and used the sleeves of the sweater to wipe over his face.
“I’m just making sure you’re not gonna look like a fool that can’t clean himself up when you end up in a magazine again,” she stated with a smile and Charlie rolled his eyes.

He had hidden said magazine before Elle could make her promise true to cut out the pictures and put them into a photo album. He had meant to throw it away but somehow it was still in the drawer of his nightstand. It was bizarre to see himself in a magazine just a page after an article speculating about when to expect a new music album by Rihanna. And Nick looked really good in those pictures. Like, of course he did, he had always looked good but those arms slung around Charlies slender frame really looked incredible.

“You better order the most expensive shit off the menu,” Tao said from where he was leaning against the oven. He had his arms crossed and while most people would mistake his expression for being angry, Charlie knew he was actually worried.
“You never say that when you invite Elle to dinner, do you?” Charlie responded and laughed at the gasp Tao let out.
“Excuse me? I was just about to suggest a nice restaurant to Elle,” Tao defensively said and Charlie threw a glance at Elle who winked at him. ‘thank you’ she mouthed.
He let his friends be and stepped out of their shared students flat, bracing himself for whatever kind of evening this would turn into.

Charlie fully expected Otis to pick him up, so when he left the dorm building and saw Nick in the drivers seat of a black sports car, he stopped in his tracks. Nick smiled at him and Charlie slowly walked towards him. This image of the popular sports star picking up his date in an expensive car didn’t feel like them at all. Not that any of this was comparable to what they had been like years ago. Charlie shook his head to stop his thoughts and got into the car.

“Hi,” Nick greeted him and just like that, Charlie felt dumb for thinking of him as a snobby jock a second ago. It was still Nick – kind, warm, empathic.
“Hi. Uhm, you’re driving,” Charlie said and Nick gave a little laugh.
“Yes, it’s not gonna be like at the party, no crowd waiting for us, so I wanted to drive myself.”
Charlie furrowed his brows as they drove through the city. “No crowd or paparazzi?” he asked.
“Are you disappointed?” Nick laughed and looked over to him when they had to wait at a red light.
“No!” Charlie exclaimed, “I just thought this was about being seen together, that’s all.”
“I assure you, there will be some photographers because the restaurant is popular with some better known people but no one announced that we’re going to be there. Doesn’t look as staged, you know?” Actually, Charlie did not know but he was glad they didn’t have to deal with a hoard of fans or something without any security.

“Don’t worry, Charlie,” Nick said, he must have thought that Charlie was scared about people harassing them. “We’re gonna have a real nice dinner, promised. I’m not gonna let anyone get in your way.” He gave Charlie a look that nearly melted the younger man. He was just being nice, Charlie really needed to remind himself of that. But something inside his stomach had started to flutter and he knew it would be hard to clip its wings.

The restaurant was cosier than Charlie had expected from the pictures online. It didn’t feel as cold as the colour scheme had made him think. Yes, there was a lot of white and silver in the room and he was already scared of spilling his drink or food but the lights were a nice shade of soft yellow and the tons of candles really made up for the sharp edges of the interior. They were sat at a table that was fortunately not placed right at a window. There had been two lonely men with big cameras outside and one of them had gotten really excited when he recognized them, so Charlie was glad he at least wouldn’t be able to take pictures through the window.

Sitting in front of each other and studying the menu felt a bit awkward, Charlie didn’t know what to say besides “the place looks nice” and he was glad he could hold on to his glass of water. He tried to concentrate on the leather-clad menu in front of him but his eyes always wandered to Nick, whose jaw looked incredibly sharp in this light.
“Not sure what to order?” Nick asked and Charlie nodded. Ordering food had felt daunting for so long and he still didn’t like it because the many options stressed him out, especially when he hadn’t been to a place before.
“Sometimes I just pick a random number and wait what they’re gonna serve me. Or I ask for whatever the people at the table next to me are eating.”
“That sounds like an adventure.”
“Going out with me is an adventure!” The grin Nick gave him, made him giggle which in return made Nicks’ grin even wider. That fluttering inside his stomach started again.

When a waitress appeared, Nick ordered “the same as the two ladies over there are having” with a big smile and the waitress gave them such a weird look that Charlie could barely contain his laughter. The awkwardness he had felt was gone now and soon he had forgotten that this dinner wasn’t something Nick had invited him to because he wanted to spend time with him but something a PR team had planned for them.
This felt real, this felt easy and natural and like something Charlie had missed without knowing it. So when they were back in the car, driving down the still busy streets because it was a Friday night, Charlie didn’t want to evening to end.

The closer they got to the apartment block where he lived, the more silent he went which was the opposite of what he actually wanted to do. He wanted to keep talking to Nick, just drive on and on without a destination, talking and laughing until feeling like he knew that person next to him again as good as he used to. But Nick parked the car and looked at him, surely he would say something like “thank you” and “have a good night” and then Charlie would have to lean over the central console and give him a strange feeling hug.
“We never had a dinner date like this until tonight.”
Okay, that was not what Charlie had expected Nick to say. But he was right. This was the first time they had went out to a restaurant without Charlie feeling completely anxious, without leaving early or wiping tears on the napkin or the waiter asking if there was something wrong with the food because Charlie had barely touched his plate.
“I’m really glad you’re doing better, Charlie,” said Nick at the same time that Charlie asked “Do you wanna come upstairs?”

He had not meant to ask this, this had been his mouth being connected to his thoughts in the wrong moment. Just when he opened his mouth again to say that Nick did not have to come with him, why would he, what a stupid idea, he probably had somewhere to go, sorry for even asking, Nick said yes.

Nick said yes and he followed Charlie up the stairs to his apartment, some student nearly running into them, a group of people standing in their way and them having to squeeze past them, a girl dropping her keys when she saw Nick. Charlie was walking like in a trance because this could not be actually happening, he heard someone loudly whispering Nicks name and then they stood in front of his door, music blasting from the apartment next to theirs.

‘… could you imagine the taste of your lips if we never tried to kiss on that drive to Queens.’

 

-

 

Nick had lived in one of those students apartments himself at his time at college but he hadn’t been in one ever since. It felt like stepping into a shoebox.
The entryway was stuffed with coats on a hanger and more shoes than two people could possibly need. The first door on the right had a sign that said ‘this is a gender neutral bathroom’, the second one stood open and gave an outlook into the tiny kitchen unit with its horrid yellow-green-tiles. The two doors on the left side lead to Taos and Charlies room, the rainbow flag on the door that faced the kitchen gave away who lived there.

Charlie cleared his throat. He was stood behind him and had already taken off his shoes, now stepping from one foot to the other. “It’s not much,” he began but trailed off.
“It feels homey,” Nick said and that made Charlie smile a bit which was a good thing. He liked when Charlie smiled and he liked it even more when he was the reason for it. He slipped out of his shoes and followed Charlie, who walked past him and into the kitchen.
“You want something to drink?” he asked over his shoulder, already taking out two glasses out of a cupboard.
“How did you manage to fit a table in here?” Nick asked in disbelief instead of answering Charlies question.
“Trust me, it wasn’t easy. And the door can’t be closed now but it’s fine.”
Indeed, the door was locked behind the table.

Charlie handed him a glass of water and then kinda stood there for a second, looking at the table and back at Nick as if he was thinking about whether they should sit down here or go into his room. Nick didn’t say anything, of course he wanted to take a look at Charlies room, it would tell him a lot about the dark haired man but if he’d rather sit down with him in the kitchen, he’d be cool with it.

“My room is kinda messy,” Charlie said but it didn’t sound like he was using that as an excuse for them to stay in the kitchen just like he was worried that Nick would judge him.
“As long as you don’t ask me to help you tidy, I’m good,” he said and yep, there was that smile again.

Charlies room looked like a hundred other dorm rooms, the bed took up the most space, there was a desk with a laptop on top of it, a dresser and a narrow bookshelf. A black piano was resting on the dark blue duvet, the curtains by the window above the desk were the same colour. On the wall above the bed was a giant pinboard with tons of photos, postcards, concert tickets and other pieces of paper pinned onto it. The bookshelf was overflowing with books, some were stacked on the ground right next to it. A single plant was potted in a rainbow coloured pot, leaves looking yellowish and limp. A bunch of clothes were strewn around on the floor and Charlie hastily picked them up and crammed them into the dresser.
“You call that messy?” Nick teased him and stepped closer to the pinboard to take a look at the photographs. He could see Tao and Elle, spotted Isaac and Tori but there were a few faces he didn’t know. People laughing and pulling faces, random pictures taken in what seemed like a classroom, at someone’s house, at a bar. People standing next to Charlie, sitting close to him, ruffling his hair, poking his cheeks, hugging him.

Seeing all those people being part of Charlies life made Nick feel … weird. He was happy, so happy that Charlie was feeling fine at university, that he had a group of friends, that he went out and had fun. But Nick wished he knew all the things about Charlie that those people knew. Was he jealous of the memories those people shared with Charlie? Of the years he had missed, the moments he hadn’t been able to witness? Charlie stopped him from spiraling into thoughts any further when he brushed against him while picking up the keyboard from the bed. “Left that there earlier,” he mumbled and was about to carry it over to the desk when Nick stopped him.
“Maybe you could play me something?”

His hand was resting on Charlies shoulder, both of them were looking at where Nicks fingers touched the fabric of the beige sweater. Nick took his hand back quickly.
“You’re working on that musical, right? You talked about it over dinner, how you tried to turn Shakespeare’s words into song?”
“Right,” Charlie said and gave him a look Nick couldn’t decipher.

He sat the piano back on the bed, plugged it in and sat down before it, his pillow pushed back against the headboard. Nick thought about sitting down on the chair by the desk but that felt too far away so he sat at the foot of the bed.
“Uhm, we’ll really start working on the songs this semester but I’ve been trying a few things, just playing around,” Charlie said while playing a first few notes. Nicks eyes were fixed on the younger man’s fingers who moved around the keys so surely, it looked like they were dancing. The tattooed smiley on Charlies skin seemed to pull grimaces at him.

“Our interpretation is basically about this boy at school who stars in a musical, so it’s a play in a play, which is just what Shakespeare did.” Charlie talked while playing different chords. “He plays Puck, a fairy, and suddenly the flower that makes people fall in love is real. He runs around town with it but, well, he kinda turns everyone into homosexuals.”
That made Nick look up and stare at a smirking Charlie.
“So it’s Shakespeare, but gay?” Nick asked.
“What could be more gay than Shakespeare?” the younger man responded. “Some of the dialogue is pretty easy to turn into song lyrics, you just have to search through it,” he continued and looked down at the keyboard again. “There is this scene where a group of fairies is singing. It’s just a very short piece but I like it.”

Charlie had started to play a melody that made Nick think of longing for something that was just out of reach.
“I’m not gonna sing to you,” Charlie said with a quick glance up to Nick, still playing, “but I can tell you the lyrics. They go like this: We fairies, that do run, from the presence of the sun, we follow darkness like a dream.” He spoke in tune to the music, leaning just slightly over the keyboard and Nick became incredibly aware of how close they were. The room seemed to become even smaller and Charlie kept playing this melody that made something inside of Nick wanting to reach over, touch the soft skin on his cheekbone with his thumb, holding his face in his hand, stroke down his cheek to his mouth that had stopped moving.

Nick tore his eyes from Charlies lips to find the other man staring directly at him, fingers hovering over the keys as if they were frozen.
“It still needs some work,” Charlies’ voice was quiet.
“I like it already,” Nick said back just as quietly and yes, he did like the music but he also liked that man sitting in front of him, the blue eyes, the thick brows, the dark curls, the ears poking through them. He liked Charlie.
“Can I,” he started and his hand was moving towards Charlie, his fingers caught a curl and tucked it behind the other mans ear. Nick didn’t pull his hand back, he held it there. How easy would it be to slide his hand into Charlies neck, pull him closer, even closer. But he needed permission, he wouldn’t do anything without Charlies consent. He searched the blue eyes for a sign, to either let go or keep going, and prayed for the latter.

The “yes” was nothing more than a whisper but it sounded loud and clear in Nicks ears.
Yes, as he wrapped his hand around the back of Charlies neck. Yes, as he pulled him in without any force because Charlie leaned over willingly. Yes, as he saw Charlies eyelids fluttering and closing. Yes, as he finally – heard the deafening sound of a door crashing against a wall, accompanied by muffled music from a phone in someone’s pocket.

“What the fuck,” said Tao and blinked at them, mouth open wide, Elle right behind him, swinging a pink bottle in the air but freezing in her step instantly. A second passed, then another. “Hi Nick,” Elle said and lowered her arm with the bottle.
“Hey,” he said automatically without hearing his own voice, his head was filled with the picture of Charlie who had hurried back against the headboard like something had hit him, all while that damn phone continued to tootle along.

‘… everything sucks, just kidding, everything is better than it used to be.’

Notes:

sorry not sorry! xx

songs mentioned:
Halsey - Roman Holiday
vaultboy - everything sucks

Chapter 15

Notes:

happy new year! hope you had a good start :)
I was busy looking after my dog, she was pretty scared by the fireworks, poor thing

but I know you all wanna know what happens after the almost-kiss ... here you go!

Tao was a good friend. That’s why he had decided to pick up a bottle of Charlies favourite cider (with blackberries) after Elles and his dinner (they had ended up at the same Indian restaurant they always went, the food was just that good). They could hang out, three friends and some drinks, talk and laugh about the probably awkward dinner Charlie just had. He just wanted the best for his friend, that’s why he had stormed into his room because he did not expect to see Nick bloody Nelson who was about to smash his face into the face of his best friend.

No one could blame him, really, for not seeing this coming because he had had a what he thought was a stern talk with Charlie about how the whole thing could get very messy very fast if there were feelings involved. Okay, maybe you could blame him for believing his best friend when he had told him that of course he would not get involved with Nick in any way other than friendship. Cheeky little liar.

“Hello Nicholas,” he said and felt a bit gleeful when he saw the buff man looking intimidated. “Didn’t know that you’d be here tonight,” he went on and looked over to Charlie who had backed onto the wall, knees tucked into his chest, cheeks flaming red.
“Err,” was all that left Nicks mouth.
“Well, I guess there’s enough to drink for all of us,” Tao said and ignored the sharp look Elle gave him. He took the bottle from her and walked into the kitchen, setting four glasses on the table. He had put on a slight smile, not because he felt like smiling but because he knew how much more uncomfortable this would make Nick and Charlie.
Tao didn’t dislike Nick, not at all. But he mistrusted everything and everyone who could potentially hurt the ones he loved. Why not seize the moment and work on that?

It was just as awkward as Tao had intended. He had hopped onto Charlies desk, Elle sat on the swivel chair and the two culprits were perched up on the opposite ends of the bed. Everyone held a glass with pink cider but so far only Tao had taken a sip. “So, how was your dinner? Ours was lovely, wasn’t it Elle?” Elle shot him a look that said ‘don’t pull me into this’ but he continued to look at Charlie who wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“So I guess that whole play pretend thing you’re doing isn’t really pretend, then?”
There was no point in hedge around the subject any longer even if Tao had felt kinda powerful in the role of the strict regency-era parent who had caught his daughter with a man unattended and now insisted on them getting married. Minus the part about marriage, obviously.
“Uhm.” Nick seemed to still be at a loss for proper words but Charlie had enough of it.
“It’s not your business, Tao,” he said loudly and set the glass on his nightstand with so much force that some cider spilled out of it.
“Oh, but it’s gonna be my business when he leaves you again.”

The second he said it, he knew that he had taken it a step too far. “Charlie, I didn’t …” - “Get out.”
Charlie pointed towards the door and Elle tugged at his sleeve, pulled him out of the room and into his bedroom.

He began pacing through the room while Elle leaned against the door, arms crossed in front of her chest with a disappointed look on her face. “I’m sorry!” he began but she shook her head.
“Sometimes you really need to think about what you’re going to say before you say it, Tao.”
Tao threw his hands up in frustration while plopping down on his bed.
“I didn’t mean to be so harsh, I just … Don’t you remember how bloody devastated he was when they broke up?”
“Of course I do but he is older now, we all are. And he is much more stable mentally. You can’t shield him away from everything that could possibly hurt him like he’s a child.”
“I know,” Tao whined. He really wanted to walk over to Charlie and apologise but the other man probably didn’t want to listen to him right now.

Elle sat down next to him and put a hand on his knee. Her touch grounded him, cleared his head.
“Have to told him about your decision yet?” she asked quietly and he let out a big sigh. When Tao had started college he had been like a sponge, ready to soak in everything there was to learn about cinematic history. It had been so cool to visit lessons about silent films, write papers on different directing methods, meet other people who were just as big movie nerds as him.But after a while he had noticed that studying wrung him out more and more.
He had taken a holiday semester and started working at a small film company (college had been amazing for networking). He had extended his holidays already and shortly before Christmas, his boss at the company had asked him if he wanted to keep working there permanently.
Tao had spent nights debating over the question if he wanted to drop out of college or not. After Elle had caught him lying awake and staring at the ceiling a couple nights in a row, she had demanded to know what went on in his mind. Elle supported him, of course she did because she was the most wonderful human being that walked on earth and that was his strictly objective opinion. He hadn’t told Charlie though because dropping out of university also meant that he had to move out their shared apartment because it was reserved for students only.

He felt like he was leaving his best friend alone and it sucked and now there was thing weird situation with Nick and Tao was the worst friend in the world which was another strictly objective opinion.

“I want him to be happy,” he told Elle who had started stroking his knee. He rested his head on her shoulder. She was a teeny tiny bit taller than him and sometimes he really liked feeling like he was the small one for once.
“Then let him make mistakes,” his girlfriend replied. “Maybe he will get hurt and we both will be there for him. But maybe this is their second chance and you don’t want to be the one to ruin that.”
“How do I deserve you?” he asked and looked up to her, watched as her mouth formed a smile.
“You don’t,” she said and kissed the part of his forehead she could reach with his head still on her shoulder. “You don’t need to deserve me. I chose you and you chose me, that is all.”

It was more than that, really. It was years of friendship, of hardships, change, growth and courage. It was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
“I really love you,” Tao said and Elle, that beautiful wonderful woman, pulled him into a kiss.

When they went to sleep that night, Tao had to think about a song that Charlie had showed him once when he was in a little fight with Elle. His best friend had told him that this song was basically about him and yeah, some of the lyrics did fit kinda well.

‘… maybe I should think before I talk, I get emotional and words come out all wrong.’

-

Going back to university for a new semester felt weird. Charlies life had turned into such an unexpected direction during the break that packing his bag, snitching one of Taos beanies because it was still very cold and walking onto campus felt so mundane. He had braced himself for people talking to him, maybe some cheeky comments but when he walked to the music building everyone was just minding their business, not paying him any more attention than before.
Charlie was glad about that, he didn’t know what he should have done if this had turned into the Truham experience 2.0 – you don’t just forget some things even if you get past them.

A text message from Tao plopped up on his phone screen.
‘everything fine?’
Charlie couldn’t help rolling his eyes but the corner of his lip was twitching upwards.
‘yes Tao, you don’t need to text me every five minutes’
‘sorry. but like, call me if anything happens’

Had Charlie been pissed at his best friend for barging in when his ex-now-fake-boyfriend had been just about to kiss him? Absolutely.
Had it been a slightly awkward goodbye from Nick that night? Absolutely.
Had he talked to Tao the next day and made up with him because they were best friends since they were like ten years old? Of course! Tao had promised to trust Charlie and his decisions which sounded a lot like something Elle would say but Charlie didn’t mind.

As he stepped into the classroom for his first course of the day, loud cheers greeted him.
“There he is!” - “Charlie!” - “Why didn’t you tell us you were dating Nick Nelson?”

Okay, this was what he had been afraid of but it was different coming from his course mates whom he liked. It was better because they wouldn’t say anything nasty. And it was worse because lying to people you know is way harder than lying to strangers.
“You need to tell us everything!” - “Those pictures from New Year’s Eve were so adorable!”
A group of expectant people was looking at him but since some holy spirit or whatever had some pity on Charlie, their professor walked in right this second and told them all to sit down.

After a couple of hours, Charlie was a pro at smiling bashfully and giving answers without really saying anything whenever someone approached him to talk about Nick. Seriously, since when did the music students care so much about some rugby player? They probably didn’t but it wasn’t like there was a nationally known sports star dating one of their fellow students everyday.

When it was time for lunch, he made his way to the library to meet up with Isaac. He was just untangling his headphones when someone called his name. Charlie looked up and saw a short but muscular man with dark skin jogging towards him.
“Hey, you’re Charlie Spring, right?” said the man when he stopped in front of him.
“Yes,” Charlie said slowly which made his answer sound like a question.
“I’m Miles, I’m on the rugby team,” the man with the buzz cut said and Charlies grip on his headphones tightened. Was this going to be the unpleasant confrontation he had been waiting for all day?

He started walking but Miles started walking next to him as if he had meant to walk that way anyway, hands stuffed into the front pockets of his jacket. Charlie gave him a side glance. He didn’t look like he way about to yell at him for turning his rugby idol gay or anything.
“This must be a bit strange because we don’t know each other,” Miles said and Charlie hummed in agreement because yes, this definitely felt strange. “I just wanted to say I think it’s so cool to finally have an openly queer rugby star to look up to.”
Charlie stopped in his tracks, this was not what he had expected.
“Maybe you could tell Nick that he’s really having an impact on peoples life.” Miles had stopped a couple steps ahead of Charlie, his smile was so genuine that Charlie rushed to promise that of course he would tell Nick.
“Cool, thanks Charlie!” Miles said and took a step backwards, still smiling, “And if anyone’s being rude, I’ll back you up.”
With that he started walking away with a bounce to his step and left Charlie standing there, confused by what just happened.

“You have your own security now,” Isaac commented when Charlie had told him about the encounter. “Have you told Nick about it? It’s actually quite cute.”
He had not but he meant to do it because it really was a nice gesture of Miles to come up to him and show his support.
“Do you think Miss Tebbit is going to tell us the date for the audition today?” Isaac asked and then they nosedived into a conversation about the upcoming musical, wondered if Charlies ideas for songs would be taken into account and who would try out for the role of Puck.

“Why don’t you try?” Charlie asked and Isaac choked on his sandwich.
“Because I am not a music student?”
“Only because you like books too much. Your voice is incredible, you know that. And the drama students are working on their own project so the competition isn’t that harsh.” They started to bag their belongings because their course was about to start in a bit.
“I think us literature students are meant to be working on the writing and not the acting and singing part.”
“Bullshit, we are all working on this together. I’m gonna ask Miss Tebbit and once she says you can audition for a role, you have to do it, okay?”

They continued bickering about it the whole way to the rehearsal room their course was supposed to meet in. Charlie knew about half the people there. A few started whispering when he and Isaac entered the room but he chose to ignore it. When Miss Tebbit, a tall woman with red locks tamed by a colourful scarf, walked in, everyone went quiet. She was followed by a young man about Charlies age with dark curls that Charlie had never seen before.
“Artists, welcome to this course in which we will bring A Midsummer’s Night come to life,” Miss Tebbit said with a welcoming gesture towards all of them. She was a walking stereotype of the odd drama teacher and Charlie really liked her.
“Our transfer student from Sweden asked to be on this course and I couldn’t deny him his wish. This is Simon, he will enrich our little ensemble with his presence.” The whispering started again but this time it wasn’t about Charlie but about the handsome Swedish man.
“Let’s listen to some Renaissance music to get in the right spirit,” Miss Tebbit said without taking notice of the excitement the arrival of the new transfer student had caused.
She walked over to an old CD player because she still used one (she would have used a gramophone if possible, Charlie thought) and soon, music filled the room and all students were told to walk around slowly, careful with their eyes closed and ‘let the music take over your worldly thoughts’.

‘… gaudia mirifica, magnificate in musica.’

Notes:

no kiss yet, sorry my dear readers!
but look who has joined our little group ... a swedish sweetheart hihi

song mentioned:
Astrid S - Think Before I Talk

Chapter 16

Notes:

I think you deserve something as a treat so here's a fluffy chapter with no drama! xx

Okay, maybe googling his name was a bad idea but after his manager had called and told him how happy he was about the recent headlines, Nick had been curious. And most of them were actually nice even though it was weird how invested people seemed to be in his love life.

“Our sweetheart is back – with his sweetheart!”
“First look at Nicholas Nelsons boyfriend!”
“Exclusive pictures of Nicholas Nelson out on a date night!”
“10 things you need to know about Nicholas Nelsons boyfriend!”

The last one was pure clickbait which he completely fell for.

“1. His name is Charlie Spring
2. He and Nicholas met in high school
3. He and Nicholas used to date in school
4. He is two years younger than Nicholas
5. They made a first appearance as a couple at a New Year’s Eve party
6. He might be bringing back thick eyebrows (read about the upcoming trends here)
7. He is about 5’6 ft tall
8. He apparently lives in London
9. He’s in college
10. His curls are to die for (we feel you, Nicholas!)”

The ninth point was the only fact that worried Nick a bit, what if people found out which university Charlie went to and harassed him there? But Charlie hadn’t mentioned anything when Nick had messaged him to ask about his first day back on campus.

He tried to skip over headlines that ranted about how rugby was for strong (read: heterosexual) men only, a nasty opinion piece on how he was using his sexuality for fame (sure, because it had been so much fun) and some gossip rag that had talked to Ben fucking Hope once again.
When he noticed how tight the grip on his phone had gotten, Nick closed the browser and opened Instagram instead. There was a ton of bullshit on that platform as well but he vowed to only look at the stories his friends had posted. Most of them were pictures and videos of the snow that had covered the country over night, not that London looked as calm and white as some other places. He skipped through the stories until he reached the one from Charlie.
He had posted a picture of a sad pile of grey snow on a road accompanied by the text ‘wanna go somewhere with real snow!’

Without further thinking, Nick typed a reply to his story: ‘you free tomorrow?’
It didn’t take long for Charlie to answer: ‘my last course ends at 1 p.m., why? do we need to go somewhere?’ The question felt like a tiny stab to his heart, couldn’t they meet up without it being an official appointment? Nick shook his head, no, he would not start over-thinking this right now. He just texted back ‘yes, gonna pick you up at 2’ and then put down the phone


The next day, he was looking at the time too often, cheering on the hands of his watch to move faster. In unusual fashion, he arrived at the dorm building early. When Charlie emerged from the building, he looked around kinda lost, all bundled up in a thick scarf (Nick tried not to think of the word adorable) until Nick stepped out of the car and called his name.
“I was looking for a different car,” Charlie said when he arrived at the silver vehicle that was lot more box-shaped than the black sports car.
“I contain multitudes,” Nick shrugged.
“You mean, you own multiple cars,” Charlie muttered, got into the vehicle and untangled himself from his scarf.
“It’s only these two,” Nick defended himself which made Charlie roll his eyes at him.
“So modest. Where are we going, anyway?”
Nick smiled secretively at that and started to drive the car down the road.

Charlie started guessing where they were headed to and his ideas got more and more ridiculous until they were laughing and Nick lov-, liked so see the other man’s face wrinkled with joy like that. “I give up,” Charlie said after still not guessing their destination. They had nearly reached the outer edge of the capital by now.
“Tell me about your courses,” Nick said because he wanted to keep Charlie talking and he actually was interested in his answer.
“I don’t wanna bore you.”
“I asked you, didn’t I? Tell me about the musical, are you gonna play a part?”
“Not if I can help it! I just wanna help with the songwriting and play the piano but Isaac might try for a role if I can convince him.”

Nick listened to Charlie talk about the odd but nice course teacher, about how excited he was for the course to grow together (“It’s the best part because you start as just course mates and while working on such a big project, you get closer and closer until you’re this little family!”) and about which characters he liked and disliked. It was nice to hear him talk so freely about something he purely enjoyed and Nick caught himself thinking about maybe reading a damn Shakespeare play to be able to have more in depth conversation with him about it. The further they drove, the less hectic it got on the streets, the whiter their surrounding looked and the happier Nick felt inside.
“Are we going to Southend on Sea?” Charlie asked when they passed it but Nick didn’t take any of the roads leading into the city.
“We’re going to the Wakering Stairs,” he replied and Charlie looked puzzled at this answer.
“Uhm, why?”
Now Nick was squirming in his seat a bit and avoided looking at Charlie on the passenger seat.
“You wanted to see some actual snow, so I'm taking you somewhere snowy.” Even from the corner of his eyes, Nick could see the still a bit puzzled but also beaming look on Charlies face. So he didn’t think it was stupid and a waste of time, thank goodness.
“You’re driving all the way here because I hate the London snow?”
Heat crawled up Nicks neck and reached his face, he scratched his head to hide it but surely, Charlie had already seen his red cheeks.
“I wanted to see some actually nice snow as well,” he defended himself weakly.
“Nick, you’re a doll.” That did not help with the warmth on his face.

“If I knew that we’d be going on a road trip, I would have made a playlist,” Charlie said with a fake grumble but Nick could hear his excitement. The younger man pulled his phone from his jacket and opened his music library, scrolled through the songs with a concentrated look until he seemed pleased and tapped play.
A melody accompanied by some bells filled the car and a female voice began singing as Nick looked at Charlie, who was staring out the window, slightly swinging along to the music.

‘… it’s a marshmallow world in the winter when the snow comes to cover the ground.’

-

When Charlie took the first step into the wide field that was completely covered in perfectly white snow, he felt the same glee he had felt as a kid. The crunching sound his feet made in the snow was so satisfying and he breathed out just to see a small cloud emerge his mouth. There wasn’t anyone else around, a wide area of untouched white was laid out before him and he wanted to run around, leave his foot prints everywhere and make a snow angel.
Something icy touched his neck and Charlie shrieked as Nick laughed, his gloves covered in snowflakes. “How dare you?” he shouted and was quick to grab a handful of snow off the ground to throw it at the other man.

It wasn’t a real snow fight, just them playing around, running after each other and tossing a few snowballs. Okay, maybe Charlie would have insisted that it was a real snow fight if his throws didn’t hit the ground most of the time. After a while Charlie was out of breath and held his hands high to signal Nick to please stop chasing after him now but the older guy was still in full speed and smacked into him which resulted in them falling into the snow.
“Nick, what the hell,” Charlie called and tried to shove him off of himself. Nick was laughing and clinging to him so they rolled around in the snow and a memory of a snow day years back came to Charlies mind. That had been one of his happiest days ever and now that they were laying beside each other on the cold ground, clothes covered in white and noses turned red, he felt like something tightened around his heart.

Nick was still laughing, staring up into the sky, blinking away the few snowflakes that made their way down from the clouds. Their hands were almost touching, Charlie would only need to move his fingers ever so slightly to take Nicks hand into his. He swallowed because his mouth felt dry. Nick had wanted to kiss him just a few nights ago, surely it would be fine if he’d take his hand now, wouldn’t it? Or had it been just a moment that could not be replicated?
Nick turned his head to him, lips turned into a smirk, snow stuck to his hair because he didn’t wear a hat. “Wanna go down to the sea?” He already got up and reached out his hand to help Charlie stand up. That was not the way Charlie wanted to take his hand but he grabbed it and they lot go when they both stood in their feet again.

They walked through the white field to the coastline, the wind picked up and Charlie tried to snuggle deeper into his scarf that felt a bit wet from the snow. The air was salty on his tongue, the gusts of wind harsh against his skin but he felt a sense of calmness when he looked over the waves that could not be tamed by the cold.
“I wish I could build a tiny home right here,” he said without looking over to Nick, “and I’d wear those thick Norwegian sweaters and drink tea all day and grow a beard like a sailor.”
“You’d have to share the land with the tourists,” Nick said and now Charlie did look over him. His hair was tussled from the wind, his jacket looked like it wasn’t as warm as Charlie coat but still he smiled.
“Don’t ruin my daydream, Nicholas. I’d turn all this into private property, tall fence and all.”
“Oh, I couldn’t visit you, then?” They had turned towards each other, somehow standing closer than before even though Charlie couldn’t remember taking a step towards Nick.
“Maybe I’d invite you over,” he said, voice so low the wind probably carried it away but he could tell from Nicks look that he had heard him.
“That would be nice.”
Charlie noticed how Nicks eyes darted to his mouth just for a quick moment. He noticed how the couldn’t look away from that face with the strong jawline that still managed to look so soft, the brown eyes with the light lashed and that damn pink mouth. “Can I …?”

Charlies hands touched the felted fabric of Nicks jacket, his right foot bumped into Nicks as he took a last step to close the distance between them. He had to lift his head slightly upwards, the heel of his feet lifted of the ground without him actively thinking about it, he just wanted to get closer to Nicks face. The cold material of Nicks gloves touched his cheek, he got to look into those brown eyes and suddenly he remembered the name of that gemstone he had compared Nicks eyes to before: tiger’s-eye.
The moment their lips touched wasn’t like in the movies he and Elle liked to watch or the books he had leant from Isaac. No fireworks, no holy choir singing in the background, no floating into another sphere, no feeling like breathing again after being underwater for a long time, nothing like that. Their lips were cold, the wind was chilly, Charlies feet began to freeze in his Converse, his curls were hanging into his face. But still. Something inside him felt warm when he kissed Nick. He had been nervous but now inside his head it was like: I remember this feeling, this taste, I remember how you fit against me so well, this is feeling familiar, this is feeling like I already own that tiny home by the sea and wearing a blue Norwegian sweater and the kettle is ready on the stove and you are here with me, this is feeling safe.

The kiss ended too soon and Charlie opened his eyes and stared at Nick and didn’t know what to say so he just laughed and Nick started laughing too and somehow it didn’t feel awkward after that. They didn’t hold hands when they started to make their way back to the car but they walked so closely to each other that the back of their hands brushed against each other every so often. Sometimes they looked over to one another and smiled and it was silent and peaceful until they noticed someone waving their arms at them and calling.

A man and a woman came towards them. Charlie was just about to suggest they ran to the car and Nick had put up a blank face when the couple reached them. “Hello,” the dark haired woman said and smiled at them but there was no hint of recognition on her face. The man was way taller than her. “Sorry if this is intrusive,” she continued and Charlie tried to brace himself for whatever she was about to say next. “I saw you two having such a sweet moment and I took a picture of you.”
An alarm bell ringed inside Charlies head and when he looked over to Nick, he could see him clenching his jaw. “Not in a stalker way!” the woman rushed to say, “I just wanted to save this moment for you. When me and my boyfriend went on vacation once, we kissed by a lake and a stranger took a photo and came up to us just like I’m doing right now and she sent me the photos and they were so cute and we would never have gotten them any other way, so when I see two people having a moment I sometimes try and snap a picture to show them?”

Charlie needed a second to comprehend what the woman had just told him, the man next to her looked a bit apologetic. “I can send them to you on Insta and delete them right away. Or I can totally delete them now!” the woman added and started fumbling around with her phone.
“Wait,” Charlie heard himself say to stop her, gave Nick a quick glance before pulling out his own phone. “Uhm, what’s your name on Insta?” he asked and the woman spelled it out for him. He sent her an emoji so that she would be able to send him a message and just like that, he had two pictures on his screen that showed him and Nick standing by the sea. In the first one they were just looking at each other, Charlie had to zoom in a bit and the photo got grainy. In the second one they were kissing, Charlie on his toes and you couldn’t really make out their faces but seeing that moment captured in a photograph made Charlie smile.
The woman showed him how she deleted the pictures off her phone and Charlie really believed that she had no clue who he or Nick were. They waved goodbye and when they arrived back at the car, Charlie stopped Nick before he could open the door.

“Was that okay?” he asked because Nick had been silent the past minutes. He seemed to think about it for a second before answering. “Yes, I mean it was a bit weird but also … nice? I didn’t get a good look at the pictures, you were kinda hogging your phone.” Charlie laughed at that and pulled up the photos on the screen again, showing them to Nick. A smile appeared on the other mans face when he looked at them.
“Okay, those are actually really cute. And she’s right – we wouldn’t have those if she hadn’t stalked our little moment.”
“So, we allow stalking by strangers who don’t recognise but take cute photos of us?”
“I guess we do. Can you send these to me?”
Nick gave Charlie his phone back who sent the pictures to him instantly and they were standing kinda close again. Charlie took a quick look around, no one else was around. He hadn’t cared about that when he had kissed Nick before but actually, he wanted to keep this for just them a bit longer. He gave Nick another kiss, more of a peck, really, but it still made him think of drinking tea in a tiny shed by the sea for a second.

They sat back in the car, threw their scarves and gloves on the backseat and turned on the heat. “Wait a second, I’m searching for a playlist for the way home,” Charlie said and started tapping on his phone. He would put together a personal playlist for their next trip but now, a pre-made one had to make do. The drive home wasn’t filled with chatter but with a sense of certainty and hope and contentment. Charlie fell asleep when they drove South Benfleet. He couldn’t see the soft smile that arrived on Nicks face whenever the other man looked over to him.

‘… do you want to go to the seaside, I’m not trying to say that everybody wants to go but I found love on the seaside, on the seaside.’

Notes:

you've waited for this, didn't you?

and don't worry - those pictures are not gonna leak. the same thing actually happened to me and my bf once on holidays, someone took a picture of us and then came up to us and it was a bit weird but also really sweet.

songs mentioned:
Clare Brett - Marshmallow World
The Kooks - Seaside

Chapter 17

Notes:

guys, I've got so many plot bunnies running through my mind. right now I'm hyped about writing a fic in the style of those "Choose your own adventure" books, do you remember them?
but I try to concentrate on this story for now. more than 40.000 words and somehow I still feel like it's just getting started haha

Darcy Olsson was a good friend. No, scratch that, she was an amazing friend! Probably the best if you needed a person to gush over a curly haired someone and the kiss you’ve shared with said someone an hour ago.
“That is so cheesy, I absolutely love it,” she exclaimed after listening to Nick sharing the whole story. It made her think about the first kiss she ever shared with Tara. The first one and the other first one when she had finally been able to convince Tara that she liked her in a romantic way and that the times they had been going out were actual dates and not just some gal pals hanging out.
“You have to introduce him to us, Nick, as soon as possible. I can’t deal with not knowing him personally any longer!”

She could hear Nick chuckling over the phone but she was dead serious. After hearing so much about that man who had always been someone Nick had talked about in the best and saddest way, who had been sucked back Nicks life and had nestled his way into her friends heart in what felt like a matter of seconds – she just had to meet him!
“You should invite him to our celebration,” she suggested.
“What celebration? Wait – is it what I think it is?” Nick sounded overly excited which made Darcy think if maybe she had forgotten something important. No, his and Taras birthdays were later in the year. Oh no, there hadn’t been some rugby thing, right?
“Uhm, I don’t know. What do you think we should celebrate?” she asked carefully and when Nick answered, he didn’t sound as excited any more.
“Nothing, nothing important. What are we celebrating then?”
“National Peanut Butter Day, obviously.” Yeah, she had made that up – not the National Peanut Butter Day, that was a real thing, but there wasn’t anything planned until now. Darcy was an expert at making up spontaneous parties for weird holidays if she needed one. And she absolutely needed one to meet Charlie Spring.

“He studies music, right? We’re going to that karaoke place, he will love that,” she rattled on while simultaneously looking up karaoke bars near them. “If he wants to bring some friends, even better. I mean, we are the best people to be friends with but he might feel a bit overwhelmed with so many loveable people around.”
She deliberately missed Nicks interjection and booked a slot at a karaoke place for … a day before National Peanut Butter Day. Well, she could always say they were going to dance into the holiday, yes, that was a good plan.
“Darcy!” Nicks shout interrupted her thoughts. Sometimes she just couldn’t stop herself when she got too excited about something. Her brain switched on turbo mode and while that had led to some amazing memories (like when she and Tara somehow ended up backstage at a concert and partied with the band in their tour bus), it had also gotten her into some awkward situations.
“Sorry,” she said quietly just as a mail confirmed her booking.
“I will ask him but I won’t pressure him into anything. We … we haven’t actually talked about what that kiss meant, like, for us.”
“Oh Nick. You should do that,” Darcy said, “or, you know, you could sing a real sappy song at the karaoke bar for him.”
“Thanks but I actually want him to still like me afterwards.”
“So, you want him to like you … in a way that involves kissing?”
“I … I guess I do? I don’t know if it’s just old feeling bubbling up or because I’m stressed with the whole situation in general. It would be mean to … keep kissing him if it was just that.”

Darcy thought about that for a moment. “I know you for a while now, Nick, and you’ve never called me before to talk about a kiss you’ve just had, sounding oh so smitten. You’ll have to fake date him anyway so why not see if maybe it doesn’t need to be fake.”
Nick stayed silent but Darcy could almost hear the wires in his brain running sizzling hot. The sound of keys being shoved into a lock made her look up. The front door opened and her girlfriend entered the flat, her afro even more frizzy from the snowy weather. She gave her a little wave and gestured to the phone, formed Nicks name with her mouth and had to repeat it before Tara understood.

They’ve heard people talk about how they wouldn’t last as a couple so often and they had proved them all fucking wrong. They had proved them wrong when they stayed together for more than a year, when they had moved in together and still didn’t split even if Darcys chaos and Taras tidiness collided with a bang. They had proved them wrong when it was Darcy who went to college and brought home good grades in her art courses and Tara who left university after a single semester and started working on her ballet career. They had proved them wrong when they mastered the weird little phase in which people thought Tara was dating Nick. They had proved them all wrong and lived a horribly domestic life which they both loved.

Darcy had missed the beginning of Nicks sentence but tried to listen closely now.
“… rush anything. But yeah, I really hope that kiss wasn’t a one time thing.”
“I bet it wasn’t. I bet he is talking to his friends right this second about you, too.” She didn’t know just how right she was with that.

When she and Tara were cooking dinner this evening and she told her girlfriend about the upcoming Peanut Butter Karaoke Party (“If anyone tries to sing an Ariana Grande song, I’m out!” - “But Tara, thank u next is such a good song!” - “Don’t use your puppy eyes on me.”), when Darcy set up the table with matching dishes and actual cloth napkins (seriously, it felt so grown up and settled down and she had never thought she would be like this but it felt so damn right and she couldn’t love her girlfriend even more), when she listened to the lyrics of the song playing, she had a brief thought about how she didn’t like jewellery but she wouldn’t mind wearing a matching ring with Tara.

‘… don’t you know she is my favourite girl, I want to run away for days with her and if you promise not to say a thing, I’m gonna buy that girl a diamond ring.’

-

There was a bounce to Charlies step that hadn’t been there before. He walked across campus with a smile that hid a secret, a secret captured in two photographs that he had stared at when he hadn’t been able to sleep at night. It made his insomnia a bit more pleasant to have these pictures to look at. He wondered when he was going to see Nick again and if there would be more kisses. Currently, he was walking up to a cashpoint because his wallet was completely empty. As every other student Charlie always got a bit nervous checking his bank account. So when the number was being shown to him, he let out a low ‘what the hell?’
Where did all this money come from? He took his card out and inserted it again, maybe there had been a mistake. No, the number was still as high. He didn’t dare to withdraw any money because surely something was wrong here.

Back home he opened up his laptop and logged into his online banking account to see the last transfers.

+ 1500£ ‘New Year’s Eve Party – preparation and attendance’

+ 500£ ‘Dinner’

Right. So this wasn’t a mistake or mix-up. This was his payment for acting like Nicholas Nelsons’ boyfriend in public. Charlie sat there, blankly staring at the screen until he was automatically logged out. He had known that he would be paid for this but the thought of his time spent with Nick to be something that had a price tag made him feel dirty. He tried to think of something else, think of standing next to Nick in a field of pure white snow but all he could see before his eyes was the brown mush on the streets of London.

He didn’t get anything done that day even though it was his turn to clean the kitchen. When Tao got home and called for him, Charlie was still sat at his desk. His best friend’s face appeared in the door frame with a questioning look.
“Hey, what’s up? I stopped at that Asian supermarket and got us teriyaki sauce, the good stuff,” he said and stepped in when Charlie didn’t respond. His eyebrows were furrowed in worry. “Charlie, what is going on? Does this have to do with Nick?”
At that, Charlie sighed and nodded before shaking his head. “No, I mean, it does but not like you think,” he tried to explain, “I looked at my bank account and there … is a lot of money? Like, that I got for going out with Nick?”

Tao looked puzzled like he didn’t get what was so bad about the situation. And really, Charlie couldn’t exactly put the finger on why it hurt but it made his memories of the party and their visit at the restaurant seem like they meant less.
“We kissed, you know.”
Charlie lifted his shoulders, he felt bad because he had told Isaac and Elle about the kiss instantly but he hadn’t mentioned it to Tao. It was like back in school when everyone but Tao knew he and Nick were going out. He had been scared of his best friends reaction then and he still was now.
Tao went to Charlies bed and let himself sink onto the mattress. “Tell me about it,” he said with a deliberately blank face and calm voice.

“Uhm, I kinda mentioned that I wanted to go somewhere with actual snow and well, he picked me up and we went to the seaside. It was really beautiful and it just … happened? No, that’s not right. We had a very nice moment actually.” A tiny smile crept on Charlies face, he couldn’t stop it.
Tao was tapping his fingers together, opened his mouth and closed it without saying anything.
“I told Elle. And Isaac.” Charlie kneaded his fingers like he always did when he was nervous. “I didn’t tell you because … I thought you might not be pleased to hear that.”
“Charlie, would you come here and sit next to me?”
That was not what Charlie had expected but he obeyed.

When he was sat next to his best friend, Tao looked at him firmly and took his hands into his own.
“You are my best friend in this whole universe. And also in every cinematic universe that exists. I love you and I feel terrible that you were scared to tell me about something that clearly means so much to you. I know how I can be but I want to know these things, okay? Damn, if you fall for Nick Nelson again I won’t blame you, I mean, he is handsome as fuck. And if this ends badly, I will be there for you. And if it ends good, I will also be there. But what I’m not here for is you hiding important parts of your life because you’re scared of my reaction.”
Charlie was too stunned to say anything so it was a good thing that Tao pulled him into the tightest hug possible. He relaxed into it, breathing in deeply and felt his eyes getting a bit teary.

“No, no no no,” Tao started when he noticed it, “no crying! We are happy best friends, remember? And you need to tell me about that kiss! Or was it bad? Please tell me if it was bad.”
Charlie wiped his eyes and laughed. If only Tao knew how not bad kissing Nick had been! Gosh, he really wanted to kiss him again.
“I can tell you while we make dinner?”
“Absolutely! Wait – you were upset about something when I walked in that wasn’t you not telling me about the kiss earlier. The money! Why are you upset about getting money?” Tao had stood up and went backwards out the room, gesturing for Charlie to follow him to the kitchen.

“Ugh, because it feel weird to get paid for spending time with him! It’s like it means less because of it,” Charlie whined but felt a little silly about it already. It wasn’t like it was Nick who paid him.
“Why on earth does it have to mean less?” Tao asked and started to pull out groceries from a shopping bag. Charlie went to get a cutting board and a knife to start chopping vegetables. “You go out, you have fun, you get closer to him, you get paid. Sounds like a win win to me. And you didn’t get money for going to the seaside, right? No one told you or him to kiss in front of a camera? He drove you all the way to … wherever because you wanted to see some fresh snow? That doesn’t sound like fake dating to me, to be honest.”
Charlie blushed at that because yes, that had been such a sweet gesture from Nick and while he hadn’t dared to kiss him goodbye in the car when he had been dropped of, they had shared a look that was just as meaningful.

He decided to not let the extra money in his bank account ruin whatever was about to blossom between him and Nick. Instead, he told Tao about the time they spent which made his best friend fake gag into the stir fry (“Don’t give Elle any ideas or I’ll have to do such sappy shit as well.” - “I already told her you would love it if she took you there.” - “You know, I actually would love it.” - “I know.”) and when they were sat on Taos bed (it was bigger than the one in Charlies room) with their food and watched iZombie (again), he almost didn’t remember why it had stressed him out so much.
“Oh,” he said with his mouth still full, “I emptied our letterbox and there was a letter from the college direction for you.”
Charlie didn’t notice how Taos eyes went wide at that because his gaze was fixed on the screen where the main character was assembling a burger with a patty made out of human brain. What did they use to make edible fake brain?

‘… stop, na-na-na-no, I’m already dead’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
The Icarus Account - Favorite Girl
Deadboy and the Elephantment - Stop, I'm Already Dead

Chapter 18

Sweat was dripping down Nicks forehead. Seriously, whose idea was it to make the team compete in a planking challenge? It was the one exercise he liked the least but he would be damned if he gave up before Sai or Christian. In the end it was their team captain Henry who won which could have been expected because Henry was an actual machine.

They all scattered around the gym afterwards, Nick decided to go onto the exercise bike next and Matt joined him. Working out together with the team felt good, it gave him that extra push to train a bit longer and a bit harder. “So, how is that boyfriend of yours doing?” Matt asked as soon as they started pedalling. He had a grin on his face but Nick knew he wasn’t trying to tease.
“He’s good,” he answered and couldn’t help a smile spreading on his own face. The thought about their kiss in the snow made his heart do a little cha-cha every time. (Yes, Nick knew how to dance the cha-cha but that didn’t mean he was very good at it.)
“Not getting chased down at university?”
Nick shook his head in response. Charlie had told him that some students had asked if it was really him dating Nick Nelson and that his course mates had been begging for gossip. But he hadn’t said anything about paparazzi getting in his way or something.
“Guess you’re lucky you don’t play soccer. You’d be way more popular then and it would be absolute hell for him,” Matt said while picking up speed on his bike. Nick sped up as well but remained silent.
“It’s not always easy for our girls, must be even harder for a guy,” the other man added. “Probably had to sign the same contract as Jelena, right?”

Jelena was Matts girlfriend and because Matt didn’t know the relationship with Charlie was only faked, he assumed that Charlie had to agree to the same conditions as his girlfriend. All the girlfriends, fiancées or wives of Nicks team mates had to sign some form of contract. It was a formality, really, mostly a non-disclosure agreement that covered everything about the team like talking about new players whose employment hadn’t been made public yet. Nick felt a pang of guilt when he thought about all the pages Charlie and him both had to read through.

When he got signed and suddenly was known by people all over the country, it had been his choice. Charlie had been sucked into this world and only agreed to it because … of him? Nick didn’t feel how fast his legs were moving, didn’t hear Matt still talking to him. Charlie had always been ready to please the people around him, to put his own needs on hold. But he had also told him how much better he was at advocating for himself now, how he wasn’t the same as four years ago.
Suddenly, his left foot lost grip on the pedal and slipped off. Nick nearly tumbled off the bike but was able to hold himself up in the last second. “Woah, Nick, be careful,” Matt called and came to a halt as well, clapped him on the back as Nick sat back onto the saddle and picked up his water bottle from the bottle fixture. He gulped down some water before looking at Matt.
“Did they check Jelenas social media and delete posts?” he asked and could see the confusion on Matts face from the sudden question.
“Uhm, yes. She was mad because they made her take down a photo in which she looked really good.” Matt broke into a quick laugh. “She once posted our location in a story and it was deleted immediately. That was when I had just transferred teams.”
Nick didn’t feel much better and wasn’t in the mood to talk any more, so he got off the bike and walked over to the dumbbells.

When he got home that evening he saw a new alert on his phone. ‘Interview with the magazine Queer Eye’ it read and was linked to a date in his calendar for next week. He didn’t know the name of the magazine so he looked it up and found a rainbow coloured website. Before he knew it, there were a ton of tabs open and he was reading an article on queer movie releases. (A movie about the son of the president of the USA falling in love with a British prince? Hell yes!)

Nick forgot time while scrolling through interviews, film reviews and book recommendations until he noticed his phone had been going off with texts from Darcy.
‘have you asked Charlie about karaoke night?’
‘he said yes, right?’
‘no Ariana Grande though’
‘wait, don’t tell him that if it means he’ll say no’
‘how many friends will he bring?’
‘I’m so excited to meet him!’
‘Tara is, too’
‘oh btw we’re engaged now’
‘did you ask Charlie yet?’
He nearly dropped his phone.

His friend had the audacity to make him wait a full minute before picking up the phone. Nick didn’t let her say a word before literally screaming at her.
“Tara asked you?!”
Darcy laughed and he could hear Tara in the background as well. “Yes, indeed,” she answered and Nick couldn’t stop a squeal coming from his mouth.
“Geez, Nick, you’re hurting my ears,” Darcy scolded him over the phone and he muttered a quick sorry.
“How did she do it? Did she go down on one knee?” He was so excited, his cheeks would start to hurt from grinning so wide in a bit.
“It was proper romantic but no one’s been down on their knees yet.” Nick could hear an ouch from Darcy because Tara had clearly hit her for that remark.
“I can’t believe you’re getting married. I mean, I knew Tara was going to ask you but still, this is insane. I am so happy for you!”
“Thank you Nick, we really appreciate it,” Tara yelled from the background.
“We would also appreciate it if you could ask Charlie about karaoke night, we have to meet him before our official engagement party,” Darcy added. “And now I have to hang up on you because I really need to shag my fiancée. Bye, Nick!”
The last thing he heard was Tara shouting before only a beeping sound remained.

Nick decided to text Charlie. ‘hi, my best friends just got engaged and they really want to meet you. they invited us to karaoke if that’s okay? (they are lesbians if that helps)’
‘can’t say no to the lesbians’
‘would you have said no if I had invited you?’
‘hmm … maybe you could have bribed me’ (That was Charlie flirting with him, right?)
‘with what?’
‘dunno’
‘a duet?’
‘that’s more a threat than a bribe’
‘a night to remember?’ (Oops, that did not sound like he had intended.)
‘…’ (Oh oh.)
‘because my friends are so cool and a bit weird’ (Yes, good de-escalation, Nick.)
‘got it’ (Flirting was over, he guessed.)
‘you can bring your friends if you want’
‘that’s you bribing me?’ (Okay, maybe it wasn’t.)
‘no, that was just a suggestion. but maybe there will be a kiss?’ (Was that too fast forward?)
‘from whom?’
‘me? if you want’ (Please say yes, please say yes.)

How was it even possible that Charlie was only back in his life for about two months now? How did he manage without texting him first thing in the morning and last thing at night before?
He had never felt like something was missing but now Charlie had settled into his life so perfectly as if there had been a space waiting, cut out just for him. Sure, it had been the worst situation that had brought Charlie back into his life but now … it felt so good. Was that wrong? He owed Charlie so much for taking on the role of his fake boyfriend. What if the younger man felt pressured to kiss him?
But it had been Charlie who kissed him two days ago. Twice!
God, his head was such a mess and if Charlie didn’t reply soon, he would …
‘tell your friends I’m in’

 

Nick smiled at his phone like a smitten teenager.
Then his neighbour turned on some music and once again, Nick wondered how such an expensive apartment could have such thin walls!
‘… I wanna be that guy, I wanna kiss your eyes, I wanna drink that smile.’

 

-

 

Alice Oseman was a good friend. Okay, Nicholas Nelson was one of her clients and not her friend but her abilities as a good friend also made her a good PR agent.
She had worked with the rugby team before, she had met Nick and she liked him well enough. When she had heard that she’d be working on a fake relationship between Nick and his ex boyfriend from high school, she had been reminded of her teenage years when writing fanfiction was one of her major hobbies and fake dating one of her favourite tropes. She somehow felt like that again since she started working with Charlie Spring.
She liked Charlie because you could not not like him, it was just impossible. Or so she had thought. But people on the internet really had no respect sometimes. It was a blessing that Charlie didn’t seem to use his social media much. And that no one had found out his user name yet. They had arranged for the campus security to be stocked up. Charlie didn’t need to know about that, they didn’t want him to be worried. There had been a few journalists trying to get on campus but they could be stopped before they could harass the man.

What they couldn’t stop were other students or strangers from taking random photos of Charlie and posting them online. They tried to get most of it deleted but there was only so much they could do.
Of course the whole purpose of Charlie getting into this was for him to be seen with Nick. But that didn’t mean that they would just leave him out there for the press to tear him to tatters. Because that would interfere with their plan for Nicks good reputation and really, Alice wasn’t in the business long enough to be so ice cold that she didn’t care about someone’s life being turned upside down.

‘nick could do better’
‘nicholas nelson is gay for that dude? really?’
‘omg look at that fucking nerd’

Yeah, people could be assholes. Alice didn’t get how some of these people still called themselves Nicks fans. Even if the relationship wasn’t real, these people didn’t know that.
There were nice comments, of course there were. Loads of them, actually.

‘they are so cute asdfghjkl’
‘i ship them so hard!!!’
‘charlie is bae <3’

Alice got flashbacks to nights spent on tumblr when she read comments from the Narlie fans as they called themselves. Those fans sometimes did some of her work like reporting nasty posts about the couple and calling out trolls. But some of them got worked up so much in their love and support that they crossed a line. Nick had turned off the comments on his Instagram posts like Alice had suggested.
She still had to prepare the interview with Nick at Queer Eye next week but the host hadn’t sent in the questions yet. They had spent hours trying to find the right queer magazine for a first interview and Queer Eye had stood out with their sensitive way to talk to people.

It was late and Alice rubbed her eyes. Working in PR had been her dream (right after being an author but that never happened) but that didn’t mean she couldn’t get tired. Quite often, her clients didn’t know just how much work she and the rest of the team put in to get everything working as smoothly as possible. And that was a good thing. Charlie Spring didn’t need to know how many calls she had made or how many mails she had written to make sure he would not be dragged through the dirt and chased down every single time he stepped outside.
From the time she had spent with him, she guessed that he would feel incredibly sorry for being such an inconvenience when really he was a lifesaver. To Nick Nelsons career. And maybe to Nick personally as well.

Alice had seen the pictures that had been taken at the New Year’s Eve party, all of them. They had given their go only for the few photos that showed a cute, harmless couple. But she had kept the goofy ones of Nick carrying Charlie around where one could look at Charlies butt in all its glory. At heart she might still be a little fangirl and who knew, maybe Nicholas Nelsons and Charlie Springs fake relationship would turn into a real one in the end and maybe then they would be happy to have those silly pictures.
She turned off the computer and pulled out her private phone as she made her way to the elevator and down to the parking lot. In her car she turned on the music and sang along loudly as she drove home.
‘… when you’re with me, no judgement, you can get that from anyone else.’

Notes:

besides this fanfiction i'm not really engaging in the fandom. don't have a tumblr account or something like that.
but if YOU do and you wanna tell other fans about my story i'd love you like a lot a lot <3

songs mentioned:
Ed Sheeran - Shivers
Niall Horan - No Judgement

Chapter 19

Notes:

it's karaoke night! this was so much fun to write!!

Charlie felt like he had drunk too much coffee when in reality he had only had two cups and those had been half-filled with milk. He wasn’t one of those pretentious students who only drank their coffee black. Okay, Isaac drank his coffee like that and wasn’t pretentious at all but that was just Isaac being a weirdo. Seriously, why would you do that to your taste buds? Maybe Charlie was a bit nervous because he’d be meeting two of Nicks best friends at a karaoke bar tonight. Apparently they knew Nick since shortly after their break-up and he was worried what they might think of him. He was glad that Tao and Elle would tag along and Isaac too, if he could make it. There was a poetry slam somewhere his friend wanted to go to first.

He had just packed together his belongings and made his way through the building when he heard some piano tunes from a room near him. Charlie could also hear a faint voice but didn’t understand the lyrics because they weren’t in English. He went and took a look through the small window that was built into the door. There was a slender person sitting at a piano, small frame and dark curls. Charlie felt like staring at his own back for a moment before figuring out that it must be Simon sitting there. When the man stopped playing and ruffled through his hair, Charlie took the chance to quickly knock on the door and open it immediately afterwards.
Simon turned around and smiles when he recognised him.

“Sorry for barging in but I heard you sing and it sounded nice even if I couldn’t understand a thing,” he said, standing in the door frame.
“It’s a song I wrote for … my old school,” Simon replied and it sounded like he had meant to say something else instead. Charlie could see his cheeks turning a slight shade of red. This song was everything but it surely wasn’t about school.
“I like it,” he said as if he hadn’t noticed anything to not make Simon even more uncomfortable. “So you write songs? Only in Swedish or do you also write English lyrics?” Simon seemed relieved that Charlie didn’t try to dig and pulled out a simple black notebook from his backpack that was sitting on the ground next to his stool.

“I write in English, Swedish and Spanish, too,” he said with a grin that invited Charlie to come further into the room. He took one of the chairs that were stacked on the wall and took a seat near Simon.
“Three languages? Bet that helps when you don’t know how to express yourself in one language, you can always use another one.”
“Sometimes the words get mixed up though,” Simon laughed and thumbed through his notebook.
“I can imagine,” Charlie said and thought about how many years he had learned French in school and how little he could actually remember. To speak three languages was really impressive.

“I’ve seen you playing the piano. You’re friends with the literature guy, right? I forgot his name.” Simon squinched up his face trying to remember the name but Charlie helped him out.
“Isaac is a good friend of mine. And he has an amazing voice.”
“Do you sing as well?” Simon asked and Charlie helplessly lifted his shoulders.
“Sometimes but not as good as Isaac. Or as you, you have a really nice voice.”
That made Simon smile. “Thank you. I bet yours is nice too, you just need the confidence to let it all out.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe I’m going to a karaoke bar tonight,” Charlie laughed. Singing in front of his friends or even his teacher and course mates was one thing. But to sing when Nick and his friends were listening? He hoped he could delay a performance until they were all at least a little drunk.

“Sounds fun! Just choose something really difficult and no one can blame you for screwing it up.” Now they were both laughing and without thinking further about it, Charlie said: “You should join us!” Simons eyes started sparkling as he asked “really?” and Charlie assured him it was fine. Nick had asked him to bring his friends and he liked Simon.

When Charlie, Tao and Elle emerged from the subway station near the bar, they all looked a bit dishevelled. It was a friday night after all and half of London was about to spend the night around the city so the subway had been full to the brim with people and Charlie was sure that nothing of the deodorant he had used at home was left. What a great first impression to make on Nicks’ friends! They waited for Simon near the entrance to the station because while he had taken the same subway as them, they hadn’t been able to find each other in the crowd.

Charlie introduced Simon to his friends and Tao started talking about some Swedish film producer but Simon didn’t seem to mind. Charlie couldn’t concentrate on the conversation because he was looking out for the bar they were headed too. A lilac neon sign gave the place away and just when he was pulling out his phone to see if Nick had texted him, a car held next to them and two women followed by Nick got out.
It didn’t happen instantly, but soon Charlie noticed the first people whispering to each other, pointing at Nick and trying to sneak a picture. Before, Charlie had just been another guy spending a night out but when Nick approached their group, people pieced it together that the curly headed man was Nicholas Nelsons new boyfriend and Charlie could feel the looks and phone cameras directed at him.
“Why are people so obsessed with you?” the blonde woman that accompanied Nick asked the rugby player and rolled her eyes.

Nick greeted him with a soft smile and Charlie wanted to keep looking at that smile but now some people got braver and asked for pictures. Nick put an arm around his shoulders, which felt nice but also intimidating because people were watching, and guided them towards the bar.

They had booked a private room which made sense and Charlie was glad for.
Said room was illuminated by dimmed lights only, the lounge chairs were covered in purple velvet that looked relatively clean for a room people partied in. Or maybe the stains just weren’t as visible in this lighting. There was a small stage set up with a glittery curtain in the back and a big screen to show the lyrics next to it. Charlie would have felt no shame to get on there and belt out a song if it weren’t for Nick and his friends.

His worries dissolved in minutes though when he actually got to meet Darcy and Tara. The blonde woman was a force of nature which could have been intimidating but the way she proudly showed off her engagement ring and just exuded giddy happiness made Charlie like her instantly. Tara was a bit more dovish when saying hello but got into an immediate sing-off with Elle when she noticed her Ayra Starr fan shirt. It was nice, seeing them all just clicking and getting along, even Simon seemed like he hadn’t only met most of them today.
Someone shoved lightly into Charlie and when he looked to his side he saw Nick who had gotten so close to him they were touching.

“Hi,” Nick said.
“Hi.”
They stared at each other for a second and Charlie couldn’t not think about the last time their faces had been this close. “Shots!” Darcy screamed and started handing out small glasses with a clear liquid inside, she must have ordered them to be brought inside.

Such few people were enough to absolutely rock the hell out of a karaoke set in that gloomy room. Isaac did join them eventually, they had to tell some staff that yes, he was an actual friend of them and allowed to be let in. He told them that there was a crowd outside the bar because the word had spread that Nick and his boyfriend were here. It felt bizarre to Charlie that anyone would wait outside for hours just to get a picture of him. But that didn’t matter inside where Tao currently performed the most dramatic duet with Darcy. It was Gotta Go My Own Way from High School Musical which Tao insisted he had only seen once when Elle had forced him to, but he knew the words to the song way too good for that to be true.

Tara and Elle got them super hyped with their performance of You Can’t Stop the Beat from the Hairspray musical and Isaac and Simon stunned them all by singing Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Charlie sang along to every song, cheered even when Nick absolutely ruined Better Than Words by One Direction, jumped up and down when singing Mr. Brightside with Tao, blinked away a tear or two when Darcy and Tara sang Fall In Love With A Girl and danced with Tara to Dancing Queen. His shirt was stuck to his back, he really needed a drink that didn’t contain alcohol and he couldn’t stop smiling. Darcy was just raising her glass and hushing them all to announce something.

“As I might have mentioned already, me and Tara recently got engaged,” she began and Tao shouted “You’ve told just me alone about ten times!” but Darcy went over his remark. “And we are so happy that we were able to celebrate this here with you and to get to know all of you, especially Charlie and even Tao.” The tall man threw her a kiss. “But what would really make this evening a night to remember would be a duet by two lovebirds who have taken the world by storm.”
Something in Charlies stomach rumbled. Nick was sitting next to him, their thighs pressed together and his arm on the back of the lounge they shared, his fingers softly stroking over Charlies’ shoulder, back and neck ever so often. That was the reason for his goose-bumps even though it was pretty damn warm in here. Nick threw him a glance, lifted his arm from the back of the chair and grabbed Charlies hand, pulling him to the little stage while their friends cheered them on.
Through the walls they could hear the music from the bar, a bit dull but Charlie could still make out the words.
‘… I got chills, they’re multiplying and I’m losing control’

 

-

 

Nick took a look at the selection of songs. “Which song do you wanna sing?” he asked Charlie but Charlie looked like he couldn’t come up with a single title. “It has to be romantic,” Tara demanded loudly. There were different categories to chose from and he tapped on the one that said Romantic Classics. He scrolled through the different titles, noticed his friends getting impatient so he looked for the next song he knew.
“Uhm, do you know this one?” Nick pointed to a title and Charlie took a look.
“Yes. How do you know this one?” Charlie asked and sounded puzzled.
“It’s from that movie, Music and Lyrics.”
“Didn’t know that you’ve seen that.”
“It’s with Hugh Grant, of course Ive seen it.”
“Will you sing us a fucking song now or what?” Darcy shouted.

The music started, Nick grabbed his microphone and tried to concentrate on the screen to read the lyrics but the soft light on Charlies face was so distracting. When Charlie opened his mouth and sang the first verse, Nick opened his mouth in awe. Sure, he had heard Charlie sing today but that had been mostly cheerful songs, everyone chanting along and laughing about. But now it was just them on this stage that wasn’t a real stage at all, more like a platform but somehow their friends seemed miles away. He couldn’t do anything but watch Charlie sing, his mouth so close to the microphone in his hands, eyes fixed on the lyrics on screen, one hand turned into a sweater paw giving away his nervousness.

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

It was his turn to sing now and he missed his cue and stumbled over the first few words because he absolutely could not believe it. He was here, standing next to Charlie who was now swaying along to the music and giving him that smile. That smile that showed his dimples, that drew little wrinkles next to his eyes, that made Nick feel all fuzzy inside and made him want to … God, he wasn’t good at signing, he knew it but Charlie just looked at him like he wasn’t just butchering the song.

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need 'em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

When Charlie chimed in for the chorus, when Nick didn’t need to look at the lyrics because he knew the next few lines, their eyes met. It was ridiculous, them singing these lines. It was so cheesy and a little too close to home but well, they couldn’t stop mid-song. Tara had asked for something romantic and well, if this wasn’t it then Nick didn’t know either.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

Their friends were cheering them on, Tao and Elle were arm in arm and singing along. Charlie went on to sing the second verse, now turning towards their little audience and really getting into the song for show. Nick couldn’t express how much he enjoyed seeing Charlie like this – carefree, happy, in his element. He had always loved that side of him. He remembered falling in love with that part of Charlie. He remembered falling in love with every part of him, really.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

Everyone was singing now, eight voices, some deep, some airy, some sounding hoarse from the drinks, all as loud as possible.
Nick played it up as well for his second verse, not that his singing improved but he gestured around with passion and leaned down to let Isaac sing into his microphone with him.

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

The chorus started again and without further thinking, Nick turned to Charlie, reached out his hand and pulled a dramatic face, singing directly at him.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

It was fun, it was playing around and putting on a show. Except for the way his heart jumped when Charlie looked back at him, pointing at him for that last line. The magazines would probably pay a ton of money to get some video material of this moment, Nick thought to himself.
All their friends got up on stage with them now, more laughing and shouting than singing but one line in particular etched itself into Nicks brain.

There are moments when I don't know if it's real

After the song ended and everyone got ready to leave, he took a look at his phone for the first time all evening and saw a message from Otis that told him he and Charlie would be picked up at a back entrance whenever they needed a lift. “What a wonderful night with my wonderful, wonderful friends!” Tara exclaimed and pulled Nick into a hug. “Charlie is so cute,” she whispered loudly into his ear. Who was he to disagree?
“Charlie, you and me need to leave through the back door. There’s probably still paparazzi outside,” Nick said to the younger man.
“Oh, okay. Let me … let me tell Tao real quick,” Charlie answered.

Darcy, Tara, Elle, Isaac, Tao and Simon all left through the main entrance (after a short dispute between Nick and his two girlfriends because he wanted to pay for the evening and they wouldn’t let him at first) while Nick and Charlie were picked up from a small backyard that reeked because of the trash cans standing there. Charlie was looking at his phone. After a few minutes he sighed in relief.
“Elle says the paparazzi lost interest as soon as they noticed we weren’t there any more, they called an Uber and are getting home.” He pocketed his phone and looked up to Nick.
“That is so crazy.” Charlie didn’t sound scared like Nick had worried he would, just astonished that something like this was happening to him.

“Had a fun evening?” Otis asked from the front seat and it was good to hear Charlie affirm that they did. “I’m gonna drive to Nicks first. We can leave for your dorm from there,” the security guard said. The thought of Charlie leaving and going up to his empty flat wasn’t a pleasant one.
“Oh, I haven’t seen your flat yet.” Nick turned his head to the man next to him. Had he heard that correctly?
“You could take a look if you want.”
“I think you owe me something anyway.”
A frown appeared on Nicks face, he didn’t get what Charlie meant but the sly smile he was greeted with made his face feel warm. When they arrived in the underground car park, Otis didn’t blink an eye when Nick told him that Charlie wouldn’t need a lift right away. Otis was a good man.

The ride in the elevator felt a bit awkward and it took Nick two attempts before he got his keys into the door lock. He opened the door and Charlie stepped in, took in the big open space and walked over to the tall window to look outside.
“That’s a nice view,” he commented.
“You should see it in the morning.” Charlie turned to him and raised an eyebrow. “The sun comes up on that side,” Nick added hastily.
“Oh, I thought you were asking me to stay over.”
How was Charlie even real? One moment he could be so shy and the next he threw Nick off with his flirting. Not that it was a bad thing, it just caught Nick off guard every time.
When he didn’t say anything in return, Charlie stepped closer to him.
“Thought I would get a kiss if I went to the karaoke bar with you.” His voice was low, his eyes so damn blue and Nick didn’t wait any longer.

It was different than the kiss they had shared by the sea. That kiss had been slow, soft and sweet. The kiss now was … something else.
One of Nicks hands was in Charlies hair before he knew it, the other one cupped the face of the man in front of him. He could feel two hands on his waist, holding on to his shirt. He was hungry for this kiss, had been hungry for it since their lips had parted the last time days ago. Why hadn’t they done this sooner? Oh right, because there had been people around. People who knew they were fake dating (minus Simon, who thought they were dating for real), people who probably wouldn’t have cared but this was something Nick wanted to share with Charlie only just a bit longer.

Charlie did stay over. Nick had offered to sleep on the couch which was ridiculous, he knew it and Charlie said it out loud. He gave Charlie a pair of joggers and a t-shirt to sleep in from his closet (“Wow, you own a lot of yellow clothes.” - “It’s my happy colour.”) and got changed in the bathroom because it felt too intimate to do it in front of Charlie even though he got dressed in front of a bunch of guys all the time. But Charlie wasn’t some guy and Nick didn’t want him to think he wanted to take this anywhere Charlie didn’t want it to go.
People wouldn’t believe it if he’d told them that they simply went to bed that night. But it was the truth. They laid down facing each other, talking in low voices. (“Those puzzles on the walls – you did them?” - “Yeah, it’s a kind of hobby.”) They didn’t embrace each other, just their knees knocking together whenever one of them shifted slightly. (“Why on earth are you still wearing socks, Charlie?” - “Because my feet get cold, obviously.”) Their hands were touching though, Nicks eyes were locked on their fingers brushing against each other. (“Your friends are really nice. I like them.” - “That’s good because I like them too.” - “Do you think they like me as well?” - “Of course, Tara told me so.”) Charlies eyes were the first to get heavy, he could barely keep them open. (“You can sleep, you know.” - “I’ll probably wake up again anyway.” - “Why is that?” - “Dunno, just have trouble sleeping, ‘s all.”) The last thing Nick saw before drifting to sleep was Charlies face, relaxed and peaceful. (“Goodnight Charlie.”) The other man hummed in response, it sounded like a melody.

‘… and if I open my heart to you, I'm hoping you'll show me what to do’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Grease - You're The One That I Want
Music and Lyrics - Way Back Into Love

Chapter 20

For the second time this year, Nick woke up to an empty side of the bed beside him.
Something in his stomach dropped when his hand reached out to the pillow, feeling around as if the imprint of Charlies face would still be there.
A clattering sound came from outside his bedroom, followed by a voice cursing around. Whatever he had dropped, Nick didn’t care because Charlie was still here! He got out of bed so fast, his vision went black for a second. He blinked it away, left the room and was greeted by the sight of Charlie kneeling on the floor next to the breakfast bar, picking up shards of porcelain.

“Morning,” Nick said which made Charlie look up and accidentally grab right into the edge of a shard. A sound of pain escaped his mouth and Nick hurried over to him. “What are you doing?” he asked and took the younger mans’ hand into his. The cut on the inside of his left hand wasn’t deep but bleeding quite a lot. Nick got a dishcloth and pressed it against the wound.
“The mug was too hot,” Charlie said and looked down at the mess on the floor.
“Well, tea does have the ability to heat up mugs.”
Charlie rolled his eyes and took his hand out of Nicks hold but continued to press the towel against it. Nick went to pick up the shards with a hand broom before grabbing a new towel to wipe away the liquid. “I would have done it that way but I didn’t know where …” Charlie trailed off.
“Right here,” Nick said and pointed to a cupboard, “now you know for the next time.”
“I hope I won’t drop any more of your mugs, to be honest.”

It was stupid, mindless chitchat but Nick wasn’t sure what else to say.
“You were right.”
He listened up, thinking that he might have missed something.
“About the sunrise,” Charlie explained, “it does look nice from here.”
“Oh, you’ve been awake that long? You could have woken me up.”
“Nick, it’s winter, the sun rose like fifteen minutes ago.”
Right.

“Should I make us tea then?” Nick didn’t wait for an answer, went to fill up the kettle again and took two new mugs from the cup dryer. “I have some loose tea leaves, they taste better than the tea from the bag.” Most times he was just lazy, that’s why there was a box of tea bags always standing next to the kettle. He opened another cupboard and pulled out a little box with different metal cans inside. When he presented his tea collection to Charlie, the younger man grinned.
“When did you get so posh?”
Nick grinned back. “I’ve been trying to embrace my British bloodline.” That made Charlie pull a face at him and he laughed. “These were mostly gifts,” he added which let Charlie fake a big sigh of relief. They waited for the water to boil, Nick pulled a teapot from a drawer (“This, too, looks incredibly fancy, Nick.” - “It’s just a pot!” - “A fancy one.” - “You are a fancy one.” - “What does that even mean?”) and prepared their tea. It felt nice, setting out sugar and a carton of milk on the breakfast bar with Charlie sitting on one of the bar stools.

“How’d you sleep?” Nick asked with his back turned to Charlie when he searched for teaspoons.
“Good, actually,” Charlie answered and sounded surprised.
“You don’t usually sleep good, do you?”
“No. I mean, I fall asleep but I wake up in the middle of the night and just can’t go back to sleep even though my eyes are burning from being so tired.”
“Have you tried taking medication?”
Charlie hummed in response and Nick waited for him to say something. “I used to take some pills but those can get addictive quite fast. I got them described when I was in hospital.”

There it was. A topic Nick had been curious about since Charlie first mentioned that he had stayed in a clinic for a second time but he hadn’t asked about it. This was something Charlie needed to tell him when he was ready.
“I got there shortly after we … you know.” Of course Nick knew and while Charlie looked at the pattern of the dishcloth he had laid aside like it was the most interesting thing in the world, Nick felt a cold hard fist wrap around his heart.
“I wasn’t really in a good place at that time. Not only because of the situation between us, it had been bad before,” Charlie continued and the first around Nicks heart squeezed. Not only, he had said. Not only but it had been one of the reasons.
“It was good. I mean, of course it was no fun but it helped me better than the first time. Maybe because I was older. And they only hand out the good stuff once you’re an adult.” Charlie was trying to make a joke but Nick couldn’t laugh at it. “Uhm, you called me. When I was there.”

Nick remembered when he had tried to call him.
After a hundred unsent texts, deleted voice messages, almost-pressed-the-green-button, he had convinced himself to be brave and actually do it, actually call him and talk to him but Charlie hadn’t picked up and his bravery had shrivelled. The next time he had called him was almost an accident, he had just gotten signed to the London Falcons and without thought he had dialled Charlies number but was sent to voicemail once again.
“Strange to think what might have happened if I had called you back then,” Charlie added. It was a strange thought, indeed.
“Something as strange as a fake relationship?” he asked to try and lighten the mood.

With two cups of steaming tea between them, their conversation turned to easier subjects.
They talked about last night, about karaoke (“You were so bad!” - “I was passionate, that counts!”), about their friends (“Has Tao gotten over … you know, what happened that evening?” - “You mean what nearly happened?” - “Yes.” - “Yeah, we had a talk. He’s fine with it.” - “Oh. That … that’s good.” - “Always nice to have his blessings.”) and how they had to leave through the back door (“I hope that wasn’t too scary.” - “Just a little. A bit exciting too.” - “Oh oh, soon you’ll be chasing the spotlight!”).

“I should leave,” Charlie said eventually.
“Oh, okay,” was all Nick replied because he didn’t want him to go but he wouldn’t stop him. Charlie went into the bedroom to change out of the pants and shirt that Nick had lent him while Nick texted Otis (did that man ever sleep?). When he came back into the living room, he was wearing jeans but also still wearing the big red sweater he had worn before. Wait, that was his sweater, Nick realised.
“That’s my sweater,” he said and Charlie picked at the hem of the sleeves.
“I was cold when I got up and it was hanging over the sofa. Thought you didn’t notice.”
“I didn’t until now,” Nick admitted. Charlie started to pull at the sleeves like he was about to take the sweater off but Nick stopped him. “You can keep it.” Charlie stopped in his movements.
“I mean, you can borrow it,” Nick corrected himself but Charlie already grinned.
Charlie always looked cute in sweater that were at least two sized too big for him but since Nick realised that it was his sweater Charlie was wearing, he looked even cuter. Nick really wanted to grab into the fabric and pull him close, draw him in for a kiss. But maybe this wasn’t a moment, not like in the snow or after a fun night out, this was just them saying goodbye the morning after.

“I’ll see you soon, I guess,” Charlie said, now standing at the door.
“I hope so,” Nick answered. They looked each other in the eyes. Nicks favourite neighbours decided to turn on the music right this second, Charlie actually flinched at the sudden sound.
“The walls are a bit thin.”
“That’s … impractical,” Charlie replied and then turned nearly as red as the sweater. God, could this person get any more kissable? Screw it, Nick didn’t wait to find out, he was barely able to handle the current level of cuteness anyway. He reached out for Charlie who immediately stepped closer and tilted his head up as if he had just waited for him to make a first move.

This kiss wasn’t feeling brand new, there was a familiarity to it now. Their hands already knew where to land, their faces lined up so their noses wouldn’t bump, their lips not so unsure. Wasn’t it lovely when the anxiousness of a first kiss was over and you were left with a tension that didn’t feel scary but good and exciting? Wasn’t it lovely when a kiss wasn’t fill with worry about how you’d look at the other person afterwards because you knew there’d be a smile on your faces and also the opportunity of a second kiss? Wasn’t it lovely to be kissed in an apartment that you have been kissed in before but this kiss right here was erasing the memory of every other kiss? Wasn’t it lovely when your heart remembered how to beat in synch with this other heart when your chests were pressed up against each other?
Wasn’t it lovely to let go in the sureness that this wasn’t the last time this happened?

‘… we let it lose, smoking weed and writing songs, meet me at the sunrise’

 

-

 

“Take a look at these new pictures of Nicholas Nelson and his boyfriend!
Apparently the couple went to a karaoke bar with some friends. Click here to read an article about Nicks coming out and here to read everything you need to know about his new boyfriend (did you know they used to date in high school?)!”

comments:

‘nick looks soooo good’'
that man makes me weak!’
‘why does he have to be gay though?’
   ‘he isn’t gay, he is bisexual!’
‘who’s that other guy with the curls? he looks hot’
   ‘right? nick should have dated him instead haha’
   ‘oh gosh yes, they’d make a way better couple!!!’
   ‘that is really mean to say’
‘I heard nick was really rude that night, wouldn’t take pics with anyone’
   ‘he is allowed to not take pics, he was out with friends. I wouldn’t stop for pictures then either’
   ‘the sister of a friend of mine was there and Nick shouted at them! all they wanted was a quick photograph! never was a big fan of him anyway    #cancelled’
‘wasn’t he dating that one girl before? kinda weird to hang out with your ex’
   ‘that were just rumours!’
   ‘that girl is Tara Jones, they never dated’
   ‘how do you know her name?’
‘why do you need to publish an article anytime this guy makes the slightest move?’
   'because he’s perfect!!!’
   'ugh you don’t get it’
   'because somehow people are obsessed with him since he came out’
   ‘he’s not even that good at rugby, girls just like him cause he’s hot’
   ‘people should just leave him alone’
‘anyone know where i can get that shirt the blonde girl is wearing?’

Notes:

if you wanna read a bit more about the time Charlie spent in hospital you should check out my other story called "Twice"!

song mentioned:
Jason Walker - Sunrise

Chapter 21

Notes:

happy reading my dears! xx

Tao was a good friend. That’s why he didn’t need to ask Charlie what kind of Boba he wanted, he knew his friends favourite. “No straws please,” he said and the salesperson gave him a strange look which he just greeted with a grin. Of course they wouldn’t drink their Boba without straws (Did people actually do that? The thought made him shudder) but since Charlie had gotten reusable straws from Tori for Christmas, they were the weirdos who asked for no straws. It was impressive that Charlie actually remembered to pack the metal straws most times as if he expected a Boba emergency. With their drinks in hands, Tao and Charlie walked to the nearest park. It was more of an avenue, lined by trees and some benches that were all wet from the typical London rain.

Tao wasn’t keen on starting the conversation he had meant to have with Charlie for a couple days now, so they just strolled around for a good minute before the voice of Elle inside Taos head got to loud (“You need to tell him, Tao!”).
“Charlie, there’s something I need to talk to you about,” he started after carefully watching out for a moment that would not lead his best friend to choke on his drink.
“What is it?” Charlie asked, sounding wonderfully unaware of bad news.
“I’ve been thinking … no, I already decided that I’m gonna drop out of college.” Tao glanced over to his friend who didn’t look as shocked yet. “You don’t look surprised?”
“Well, you really do love working at your job so it’s a good step, right?” Charlie looked at him with that crooked grin and Taos heart sank because his friend hadn’t gotten the full memo.
“It is but it means that I have to move out of the dorms.”
Charlie stopped in his tracks. “What do you mean …?” he trailed off because he probably knew exactly what Tao meant.
“Remember the letter I got? It said that if I take another holiday semester I’d have to move out of our flat.” Tao was picking at the label of the cup of his Boba.
“But where are you gonna live?” Charlie asked, looking confused and hurt and like he wanted to throw his drink in the next bin.
“Uhm, Elles’ apartment is big enough for two,” Tao answered.
“Right.”
“I am sorry, Charlie, I really am. It’s just -” He got interrupted by his friend who held up a hand in front of him.

“Stop, Tao, don’t apologise. Or maybe do apologise but don’t get yourself all worked up, okay? I guess it’s about time you and Elle move in together.”
Had Tao ever mentioned that Charlie was his best friend and that he loved him dearly? Because he did. “I can’t wait to live with her,” he said and couldn’t help but smile at the thought of getting to wake up next to Elle every morning. Charlie tried to look grossed out at that declaration but Tao didn’t buy it, his friend was too much of a romantic and he knew it.
“But I hate to leave you alone,” he said as they started walking again. It was true, he hated leaving Charlie behind. Tao had always been scared to be left alone. Back in school, when Elle had transferred to Higgs, he had felt like someone had plugged pieces out of a puzzle he had so carefully completed. When Charlie had started to date Nick, it had gotten worse. The pieces of his life were being taken away from him, that’s what it had felt like. And now it was him that tore apart Charlies puzzle of life. Maybe that was a tad dramatic but the guilt in his guts felt like acid burning through his intestines.

“Maybe you could look for a flat near Elles’?” Tao suggested weakly.
“Sure, because a student with no job is the dream of every landlord.”
“You have an income, though.”
“Right, let me tell people I make money by fake dating a sports star and break my contract.”
“Damn … well, maybe you can keep the dorm room to yourself?”
Charlie shook his head and Tao knew he was right, as soon as there would be an empty room, it would be filled with who knows what kind of horrible room mate. (They had to be horrible compared to him, Tao thought.) "You could ask Isaac if he wants to move in with you!” Now Tao sounded the tiniest bit excited because Isaac would be about the best replacement Charlie could get.
“I think Isaac is rather happy with his living situation,” Charlie replied and emptied his cup with a slurping sound.

Tao wanted to solve this, he desperately tried to think of a solution that would make moving out not feel like betrayal. A few meters in front of them, a woman their age was playing the guitar and singing. The guitar case was laying openly in front of her, waiting for people to throw some change into it. “Maybe you could move in with Nick!” Tao called out in a last attempt, he really couldn’t think of a better suggestion right now. Charlie gave him a wide-eyed look and he shrugged his shoulders because at least he was trying here! “You are in a fake relationship anyway and you’re not-so-fake kissing and getting closer. It wouldn’t be that weird,” he offered as an explanation and was amazed to the how his friend opened and closed his mouth repeatedly like a fish on dry land.
“I can’t ask him that!” Charlie finally exclaimed and looked flushed and shocked and only a little like he was begging for Tao to confirm that of course he could ask Nick to move in with him.

Tao pulled a tissue from his pocket to dry off the metal straw. He then went to the nearest bin and threw away his empty cup. As he turned around, Charlies face hadn’t moved. “Think of all the sweaters you could steal from him,” he said and watched with a grin as Charlies cheeks turned a darker shade of red. The young woman was singing her heart out, Tao somehow felt lighter than before and maybe life would work out in mysterious ways again, just like it always did.
‘… aim my boom box at the roof, I’m playing Lean On Me, just so that she knows that she can lean on me.’

 

-

 

“Rugby player Nicholas Nelson has been making headlines since coming out as bisexual back in November. The twenty-four years old man revealed he had rekindled the relationship to his very first boyfriend from high school at a New Year’s Eve party and people are overly excited to finally get to hear what Nick has to say about the whirlwind his life has turned to. I meet Nick at the head office of his teams management, he waits for me in an office that has been turned into a space resembling somewhat of a living room. He sits on a beige-coloured couch, I take a seat on an armchair. Nick is wearing a loose white shirt and grey pants, he combs his red hair back with his fingers as he waits for my first question.

Interviewer: Hello Nick, how are you? I’m so glad I’m getting the chance to talk to you today.

Nelson: Hey Brian, nice to meet you. I’m good, maybe a bit nervous if we’re being honest.

Interviewer: Oh, don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. (Nelson laughs) So, are you training hard for the upcoming season?

Nelson: Yes, gotta get back on track! Playing as a flanker is very demanding and I’ve been slacking a bit over the holidays.

Interviewer: Don’t we all? You know, I actually had to read up about rugby before this interview and I hope I’m getting this right – you are an openside flanker and that’s why you wear the number 7, because it’s traditionally given to the player on that position.

Nelson: That’s correct!

Interviewer: There is one thing I’ve read and I won’t believe it until you confirm it to me. Ever since 1987, for each world cup they use the same whistle to blow at the start of the game. And that whistle came from a museum where it was donated because it had been used for twenty years already. So they are using a whistle that’s more than fifty years old today? And will be using it at the next world cup that takes place in France?

Nelson: Oh wow, you really read up on that topic! And it is true. A bit of a weird fact that’s always great at parties.

Interviewer: I bet you’re glad it’s not you having to use that whistle. And I can imagine someone else in your life is, too. You know we’re not just here to chat about rugby which is probably good because everything I’ve just said is about everything I know about the sport. Nick, I’ve already told you but I really am so grateful you’ve agreed to do this interview with me. Because the last couple of months the press probably wasn’t your best pal. Coming out as a public figure is never easy. Coming out as a public figure in sports is even harder. But you still decided to take that step.

(Nelson takes a deep breath before answering)

Nelson: It wasn’t easy. But hiding who I am wasn’t easy either. And when we’ve won our last game, I made a promise to myself that the next time that I’d step on the rugby field, I’d step out as the person I really am.

Interviewer: Me and most of our readers know how strong the need to be your true self can get. It can be painful if you have to stay in the closet.

Nelson: I have come out before. Like, my family and my friends and also my team mates knew. But I still felt like I wasn’t completely being me until I came out publicly. People think my management made me stay in the closet before but that’s not true. I closeted myself because I was scared what would happen to my career when I’ve just started it. Of course, my manager had been worried but mostly about my well being. I got really lucky with the people around me for supporting me.

Interviewer: That is so important, knowing about the support you’ve got from the ones close to you. For some people it unfortunately is safer to portray as heterosexual.

Nelson: That’s true and I’d never judge anyone for not coming out. In the world of sports, there is a really big bias on anything that differs from the so-called norm.

Interviewer: That might be the reason why everyone has gone absolutely crazy since your coming out. In other industries it’s easier. Still in the public eye so it will always be hard but people are weirdly sensitive when it comes to sexuality in sports. When we announced that we’re doing an interview with you, we’ve got tons of messages by people saying how much it means to them to have a non-heterosexual sports idol to look up to. Especially by people who like doing sports, all kinds of. There was an email by a guy who listed about every reason why rugby is superior to American football but at the end he said that you’ve got more balls than anyone from his favourite team.

Nelson: Thanks for the compliment! Even though that list sounds terribly wrong. I really try to focus on those messages of people telling me how much my coming out means to them, that it makes them feel hopeful. It’s amazing how something so personal can mean so much to so many.

Interviewer: People also had a lot to say about your current relationship.

(Nelson looks out the window for a minute before looking back at me, shoulders squared)

Nelson: You see, it’s one thing when people make comments about me or write a nasty headline or whatever. It’s not nice, it hurts but I can deal with it now. What I can’t deal with is comments about someone I … someone … (Nelsons seems at a loss for words for a second) someone who has given me his heart and now I drag it through all this with me.

Interviewer: But he’s still with you, through all this.

Nelson: He is. That’s why he’s my person.

Interviewer: People can’t see it but right now Nicholas Nelson is sitting in front of me, blushing hard.

(Nelson laughs bashfully)

Interviewer: Now, onto easier topics: You’ve been at a karaoke bar lately. Please tell me if there’s video footage of you singing and what I have to do to see it.

Nelson: I’m sorry Brian, no videos for you.

Interviewer: Well, I’ll just have to dream about you singing Bisexual Anthem by Domo Wilson then. Nick, thank you so much for talking to me today. What’s a last thing you want to tell our readers?

Nelson: I would like to quote a song that I listened to a lot these past months. ‘when your heart releases, you won’t fall to pieces, you’ll let this old diseases lie’”

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Alec Benjamin - Must Have Been The Wind
Marianas Trench - Porcelain

Chapter 22

Notes:

your comments always bring me so much joy, thank you so so much!
we're getting really sweet and lovey dovey in the next few chapters. maybe even a little spicy? who knows ...

let me know what you think in the comments! xx

It happened when Charlie had just left a store where he had bought a new pair of shoes. (It still felt a bit weird to spend money he got for hanging out with Nick but he reminded himself that he got it as a compensation for being in the spotlight and not for spending time with Nick. He’d do that for free anytime.) He detangled his headphones and yes, he could get wireless ones but he knew that he would lose them. He walked slowly, backpack slung over one shoulder, a bag with his new shoes in one hand when someone called his name.
“Charlie? Oh my god, it’s actually you!”
The voice was piercing, overly excited and Charlie was completely taken aback when a black-haired teenage girl with gleaming eyes stood before him. “Uhm, yes,” he said and the girl couldn’t possibly smile any wider. “Would you take a picture with me?” she asked.

Charlie remembered when Alice had told him not to talk to journalists or basically anyone but that was weeks ago and this wasn’t a crazy mob, just one girl who looked like she might cry if he said no. She didn’t look like the typical rugby fan, standing there in a fluffy yellow coat, striped tights and with two neat braids but who was he to judge?
“Sure,” he said and tried to put on not-too-fake smile when she stood close to him, holding her phone far enough away for them to take a selfie.
“My friends would never believe me without a photo, thank you so much!”

Charlie said a quick goodbye and walked slightly faster because some people seemed to gain interest and tried to guess if maybe they should recognise him. Thankfully, he was able to blend into the crowd after taking a few turns. Know he tried to grasp what had just happened.
A random girl had asked for a picture of him, acted like it was exciting to meet him, Charlie Spring! He couldn’t wrap his head around it. He put the bag under his arm so he was able to type a message on his phone.

‘someone just asked for a pic with me?’ Maybe he shouldn’t have sent it to the group chat with his friends. Their reactions were immediate as if they had been waiting for his text.
‘what did you say? and can i get a picture too when you get home?’
‘haha you’ve got fans now’
‘please tell me you’re not wearing that old ripped sweater’
Actually, he was wearing “that old ripped sweater” but no one could see it under his jacket so that wouldn’t be a problem.

Back in his and Taos flat, he was greeted by Tao and Elle who wanted to know if he had told Nick about it already (Elle) and if they should open a bottle of wine to celebrate (Tao). While his friends started googling his name to see if the teenage girl had posted it somewhere already (“It’s not gonna go viral, I’m not famous or anything!” - “Shush, we’re doing important detective work.”), Charlie went into his room to call Nick.
As he waited for the other man to pick up, he thought that maybe he was making a big deal out of nothing. Before he could hang up though, Nick picked up the call.
“Hi.”
Why did such a simple world made him smile in a heartbeat? It was ridiculous. “Hi.”

“What’s up?” Nick asked after they had stayed silent for a second.
“So, I think I’ve met … a fan? I was coming out of a store and a girl came up to me, she was really excited and asked to take a picture with me. Which is weird because I’m not famous? And I said yes because she was being polite and I’m not sure if that was okay?” With every word he got more and more uncertain if he had handled the situation the right way.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it as long as you felt fine doing it?” Nick sounded like he genuinely cared if Charlie had been okay with that confrontation and the younger man took a second to think about it. It had felt weird like so many thing had felt like since Nick had come back into his life. He had been surprised and still didn’t get why someone would be bent on taking a selfie with him besides his friends but seeing the way the girls face had lit up when he’d said yes, had been nice. It was flattering and not at all like walking out of a hotel into the flashing light of some paparazzis’ cameras.
“It was fine. It was … kinda nice?” he admitted.

Charlie had never seen himself getting famous. But of course he’d had daydreams about it. Every year when he watched the Eurovision Song Contest, for two weeks after he would lose himself in fantasies about standing on a stage like that, thousands of people singing along to a song he wrote. Seriously, who didn’t fantasise about things that like? But in reality he would probably freeze as soon as the spotlight hit him. Nicks voice brought him back into the small bedroom he was standing in. “I will talk to someone from PR, maybe they can send someone to accompany you, drive you to places and stuff.”
“What? No, it’s fine, you don’t have to do that, Nick. I don’t think that there’ll be many more incidents like this.” Charlie really didn’t want to cause trouble or make any hassle.
“Okay, but you should tell Alice what happened. Just so she knows what’s going on.” He replied that he would do that as soon as they’d hung up, a little moment of silence followed.

“I just want you to be safe,” Nick said and Charlie wanted to climb through his telephone and nestle himself in Nicks arms. There probably wasn’t a safer place to be.
“I could just always stay with you, you’ve got Otis. Seems pretty safe to me.”
Nick laughed softly, it was like his laugh tickled Charlies heart. “That would put my mind at ease.”
Inside Charlies head the image of Tao walking next to him appeared. ‘Maybe you could move in with Nick’ his friend had said, obviously joking. Right? He thought about the sunrise he had seen through the window of Nicks living room, about tea in the morning and a drawer full of his clothes next to Nicks sweaters. Charlie had to blink a few times to get rid of the image in his head.

“I have to go, I’ve got … university stuff,” he said and ended the call before he wouldn’t be able to stop the words from leaving his mouth. Asking your ex who was your fake boyfriend who was not-fake kissing you if you could move in with him because your room mate had to move out was a bad idea.
Still, he couldn’t shake off the thought completely even when he sat in the kitchen with Elle and Tao, talking and joking while his phone provided background music.
‘… and I like dreaming ‘bout all the times you and I had together when I am sleeping in your red red red red red ripped sweater.’

 

-

 

Christian almost slipped on the sleek floor in Nicks living room when he tried to hurry back from the bathroom to the couch. He caught himself before actually falling down, slumped down next to his friends and grabbed his controller just in time before the next round of their game started. “Why did you press start when I was still on the loo?” he asked while frantically pressing down on the buttons of his controller. All three guys had their gaze fixed to the screen where three round figures ran around a kitchen that was floating through space.
“It was an accident!” Sai cried out and Nick groaned because they kept bumping into each other. “You need to go on the other island, Sai, I need those plates!”
It was a sight to see, three men sitting cramped together on the couch, completely ignoring the drinks and snacks in front of them because they were so invested in their game. It was more intense than any shooting game, really.

After they had failed in an outstanding way (“This is all your fault, Christian!” - “It’s not! You let your controller fall down, that’s why we lost!”), they fell back against the headrest, almost as out of breath as if they had just finished a rugby game. “God, I hate this game so much!” Christian exclaimed and Nick laughed because in about ten minutes, his friend would suggest they give it another try.
“I really missed evenings like this,” Nick said and smiled at his friends for which Sai threw a pillow at him. “Don’t get all soppy,” he said but it had been him who had demanded they meet up to play something in person.

“How is Charlie, by the way?”
That was a quick change of topics but Nick didn’t mind. They were really close friends, of course they were curious about his fake-but-kinda-getting-real relationship. He took a sip of water from his glass before answering. "He’s fine. I mean, he recently got recognised on the street but he took it well.” Both his friends looked at him like they expected him to go on. “It’s all going great. He is … just great.” He could feel the blood rushing to his face.
“He’s your person,” Sai teased and Nick burrowed his face in his hands.
“I though the interview was really sweet,” Christian chimed, “Has Charlie said anything to you about it?”

He hadn’t and Nick wasn’t sure if maybe he just hadn’t read it. But even if Charlie hadn’t read it, surely Elle or Tao or someone from college had and told him about it. When he had given that answer, when he had almost slipped up and called Charlie someone he was in love with (which he wasn’t, he couldn’t be, it was too soon and too much and should not be happening), when he had called Charlie his person, it had come naturally. He had felt so comfortable talking to Brian, the interviewer, that he almost forgot the whole world would be able to read those words. It just showed that Brian was pretty damn good at his job and that Nick needed to keep his guard up.

“Well,” Christian went on when Nick didn’t answer, “I bet you’re set up for a dinner or something on Valentines day, right?”
“Man, am I glad that my girl cares about dates like this the same amount as me. Meaning not at all,” said Sai. Nick hadn’t even thought about Valentines day, he never had to the years before. But since Alice hadn’t sent him a mail or a made an entry in his calendar, maybe him and Charlie wouldn’t have to spend the day playing pretend. Would it even be pretending? What if he just asked Charlie out without it being set up by a PR team?
“Nicholas, what’s going on in there?” Sai asked and poked against Nicks head.
“Sorry, I was just thinking. Uhm, there’s nothing official planned for Valentines day.”
“What about non-official? Does Charlie care about Valentines day?”

That was a good question. When they had dated in high school, both of them had cared even though they had pretended like they didn’t. Nick had even sent Charlie flowers when he had already moved to London and had tried to not let it sting when Charlie hadn’t sent him a card. It was just a stupid holiday meant to get people to spend money. But Nick liked it nonetheless and if Charlie hadn’t changed completely, if Charlie was still his Charlie in a way, then he liked it too.
Was there something more fun and silly than making up grand romantic gestures with your friends that you obviously would never actually do? Somehow it was Sai who had the best ideas, he claimed it was because he watched loads of romcoms with his girlfriend but Nick had always had the feeling that Sai was a secret romantic.

When his friends had left and after Nick had cleared up the space, he pulled out his phone and posted a picture he took earlier on his Instagram story. He needed to be more present on his social media, he knew that. He ended up looking at Charlies profile and saw that the younger man had also posted a story recently. It was a screenshot, one could see the song Charlie had listened to. Nick didn’t recognise it so he looked it up, laid down on the couch (there were still some crumbs from the crisps they had eaten) and closed his eyes to really listen to the song and the lyrics. It was a habit he had picked up from Charlie years ago. Whenever he listened to a new album, he tried to go somewhere private, close his eyes and concentrate on the music completely. And since it was a song Charlie had apparently listened to on repeat, Nick didn’t want to miss a single note.

He listened to the whole album and something tugged at his heart every time the word love was mentioned. Something that felt like hope and fear, made him certain but uncertain and he couldn’t stop thinking about black curls wrapped around his fingers, about slender hands pulling him in, about the little birthmark shaped like an undiscovered country on one shoulder blade and how long it had been since he had last seen it, traced it with his fingers.
The rest of the evening he kept listening to the same songs all over and was it really coincidental that, when he was scrolling through funny clips of animals doing weird stuff, an advert for the European tour of the same singer popped up who had been filling his ears with sound and his head with images of a certain someone?
He clicked on the ad, the concert in London was only a week away but seemed to be sold out. It was set for the fourteenth of February, Valentines day. Nick wasn’t sure if he believed in fate or destiny but he believed in the skills of his management to get him into a sold out show.

‘… ever since the other night I’ve been thinking ‘bout the way you smile golden.’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Beren Olivia - Red Ripped Sweater
Dermot Kennedy - What Have I Done

Chapter 23

Notes:

I have no idea how I've written more than 50.000 words already and I still feel like the story is only just beginning. thank you so much for reading and commenting, it means the world to me! xx

we get to see a bit more of Simon in this one bc he's perfect and I love him

Simon Eriksson was a good friend. At least Ayub and Rosh had told him that. He wasn’t sure if he and Charlie were good friends yet but they were getting there. He thought so since right now he was sitting on Charlies bed in his tiny dorm room and played a melody on his little keyboard. Charlie sat on the chair at his desk, one leg propped up against his chest and looked at his phone in a way that Simon could easily tell who he was texting.
“The interview Nick gave for the Queer Eye magazine was nice,” Simon said to make Charlie look up. The younger man blushed immediately which made Simon grin. “I bet you keep a copy of the magazine under your pillow,” he said teasingly.
“I do not!” Charlie said outraged but Simon didn’t fully believe him. If he wasn’t keeping it beneath his pillow, he was at least keeping it in the drawer of his night stand. “He almost called you ‘someone I love’, didn’t he?” Teasing Charlie was fun because his face always went red like a tomato and it was so easy. All you had to do was bring up Nick.
“Shut up!” Charlie laughed.
“What? It was completely obvious even though he tried to word it differently. Was just as corny though.”
“You can fuck off right back to Sweden! He did not mean to say that I’m someone he … loves.”

It looked like that last word somehow was hard to pronounce which made Simon wonder. “Why not? He’s your boyfriend and I’ve only seen you to at the karaoke bar but you’re both absolutely smitten.” Really, he had enjoyed that evening a lot because it was his first proper night out here in London but he had been relieved when Isaac had joined them so he didn’t feel like only one being single. Not that he was actually single but it was a bit complicated and he hadn’t told his new friends anything and meant to keep it that way.

Simon missed Wilhelm. Sure, they texted and talked on the phone or via facetime as much as possible but he missed the way Wilhelm would take his face in his hands and kiss him, softly, rough, tenderly, passionately, slowly, hungrily, everything. They had yet to make their relationship public. It had been hard on them, it almost broke them again but somehow there had always been a reason for them to postpone the announcement. This time it was Simon who was responsible for it. He wouldn’t be able to take a semester abroad once it was revealed that he was dating the Prince of Sweden. And he had wanted this for ages so they had decided to wait a couple more months before finally showing their love to the world.
Without realising it, Simon had started to play the first tunes of the song he had written back at Hillerska, the first song he had ever written for Wilhelm but certainly not the last one.
“It’s just weird because we haven’t … I mean, we’re only dating for a few months.”
Simon stopped playing and tilted his head to the side. “Wait – so you haven’t said I love you yet?” The look on Charlies face was the answer he needed. “In that case it would have been weird if he said if for the first time when talking to a journalist.”

Simon had tried not to read any gossip about Charlie and Nick but he couldn’t help being curious. They reminded him a bit of himself and Wilhelm, one of them being in the public eye and the other one being sucked into the spotlight as well. The same thing would happen to him once he was officially dating a royal. It would probably be worse. He didn’t know the full story and felt like there was something he hadn’t figured out about the relationship between the two guys.
Charlie had dropped his phone into his lap and stared at the ceiling. “We used to date in high school, you might know that.” He threw a quick look to Simon. “Now we’re dating again and it feels like before but also like getting to know him all over again.”
Simon hummed in response, that made sense. Getting back together was hard, he knew that from personal experience. You couldn’t just start where you left off, there would always be that blank space where you weren’t part of each others lives and you had to grow around it somehow.

“Enough about me,” Charlie said and picked up his phone again, “let me look for something to tease you with!” Simon laughed and went on to play the newest song he was working out. If Charlie wanted to scroll through his Instagram, so be it, there weren’t any pictures of Wilhelm there. The crown wouldn’t allow that. He was about to get lost in the music, mouthing the words. The song still needed some work but maybe he would sing Wilhelm a first version of it on the phone tonight.
“What?” Charlie suddenly exclaimed, “why does the prince of Sweden follow you?!” Simons fingers slipped and he completely flunked the part he was currently playing. Charlie just looked at him, mouth wide open, and showed him the list of his own followers on his phone screen.
“Uhm, we used to … we used to go to the same boarding school,” Simon muttered and tried to sort his fingers on the keys. Charlie let out a whistle and looked down at his phone again, probably looking at Wilhelms account now which was filled with professional pictures from gala dinners and charity events. Simon picked up the song again, careful to hit the right notes.
Maybe there was something about Nicks and Charlies relationship he didn’t get, some sort of secret, but it sure as hell was nothing compared to the secret he was hiding himself.

‘… I just wanna feel it all over, something that I’ve never known, love me ‘til I break my cover, I just wanna let it go’

 

-

 

“You’ve been spending more time with Charlie?”
Nick was back in that damn office again and sadly he wasn’t sitting in front of Alice but facing the older woman who was the head of the PR team. She had been full of praise on the phone for how well everything turned out but when she had asked to see him in person, Nick knew something was up. “I have. I mean, isn’t that what you wanted?” He knew he sounded disgruntled but the face she had pulled during her question implied that somehow, seeing Charlie was wrong when it had been her suggestion.
“I wanted the public to see you in a committed relationship.” She had her hands folded on the table between them, it reminded Nick of being called into the office of the head teacher at school.
“And I’m pretty sure the public,” he accented that word, “believes it.” The woman sighed and put a strand of hair behind her ear that was hanging into her face. “Look, Nick, I’m not complaining about you two getting along. It’s beneficial! But I hope Charlie knows he won’t get paid for spending time with you outside of occasions we’ve scheduled officially.” Nick blinked at her a couple of times. Was she being serious? She was scared that Charlie would ask for more money because Nick spent time with him? He almost laughed because it was such a silly thought. As if Charlie would have done any of this because he wanted to make money out of it.
“He knows and that is not why … why he spends time with me!” He didn’t so much feel like laughing now because just for a second there had been this tiny little voice inside his head saying what if? No, he would not let this woman seed any negative thoughts about Charlie in his mind.

“Well, that’s good then. You want to take him to a concert on Tuesday?” The sudden change of tone and topic startled him and he just nodded. He really wanted to get out of here and back to his apartment. “You’ll be sitting in a secluded lounge and you will use the back entrance. It wouldn’t hurt if people saw you and you should post some stories on your Instagram, maybe tweet about it afterwards.” She started shuffling through various files and sheets of paper in front of her. “You need to be more active on your socials, I’ve got the monitoring of your accounts somewhere.”

After what felt like hours, Nick finally left the building. Otis did not comment on the upset look on his face when Nick got into the car and pulled out his phone. ‘dinner at mine?’ Charlie read the text instantly and answered ‘no fancy restaurant? hmmm gotta think about it’
Usually Nick would have gotten in on the joke but he wasn’t in the mood right now.
‘I want to see you’
He sent another text right after, just a simple ‘please’ but he meant it. He needed to see Charlie, hug him, feel him, feel that this was something real and not just a dumb PR stunt. They didn’t need to talk about, not tonight even though Nick knew that they needed to talk about it eventually but he just needed Charlie near him today.
When Otis stopped the car at a red light, Nick got an idea. “Can you drive me to the nearest bookstore?”

Nick didn’t go into bookstores very often. Sure, he liked reading comics and sometimes he enjoyed a good science thriller (he had talked about Blackout by Marc Elsberg for weeks after finishing it) but he ordered his comics online and the books, he mostly snatched them from his friends.
The store he entered wasn’t one of those big chains but also not one of those tiny nook-in-the-wall stores that Tara and Darcy loved so much.
There weren’t that many people inside and no one paid him any attention which was nice. Nick walked directly to the counter where an elderly man sat and flicked through a catalogue.
“Excuse me, do you have a copy of Shakespeares’ Midsummer Night’s Dream?” he asked and the man put on a smile as he looked up.
“Are you looking for a certain version of the play? I’ve got the paperback by Penguin Classics here but you students sometimes need other versions, right?” The man emerged from behind the counter and walked over to a shelf. Nick could hear the faint sound of a phone camera, some costumer had probably spotted him and taken a picture. He acted like he didn’t hear anything and took the book the elder man offered him. The cover was ugly, there was not other way to say it. But Nick didn’t care about a nice book cover, he just paid and as he walked out he could see a middle aged man who tried to discreetly take another picture of him. Nick managed a half-smile, nodded towards the man as a greeting and then walked out of the shop.
He didn’t want to deal with fans today, especially not with fans who had the potential to start talking about how they disliked him since he came out. Okay, he was prejudging, maybe the man didn’t care about his sexuality but about his performance on the field. Still, it was best to just smile and get out of there on a day like this.

Nick let his head fall back against the headrest in the car. The radio was playing, traffic was awful and Charlie had sent a message saying he’d come over after his last course of the day. Otis glanced at the book in Nicks lap, he smiled but didn’t say anything. Otis was a good man.

‘… don’t feel like carrying all this weight or being broken around those who can’t relate'

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Omar Rudberg - Call Me By Your Name
Maria Mena - Not OK

Chapter 24

Notes:

you will be quite happy with this, I suppose ;D

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

 

As soon as Charlie stepped through the door, he was caught in a hug. Not as a greeting, not a comforting friendly hug, not one that said good to see you. This hug was Nick clinging to him like he had been swimming in an ocean and Charlie was the first thing he could hold on to in days. This hug said everything feels hazy and you’re the only thing that’s real.
They stood there for several minutes, Charlie started humming which calmed Nick down and when they parted, Nick looked embarrassed.

 

“Sorry,” he said and ran his fingers through his hair, staring at Charlies shoes, “I had a rough day and … I am really fucking glad you’re here now.” He smiled that crooked smile which Charlie had sworn was something authors had made up but there is was, sitting on Nicks face and he wanted to press his lips against the corner of Nicks mouth.

He did not do that though, this wasn’t the right moment. That was another thing Charlie had read in too many books: how the character in distress and the character comforting them started to kiss, to touch, to stumble into the bedroom, waking up the next day without having actually talked about what was wrong. He didn’t want that.

 

So he looked away, took his shoes off and followed Nick onto the grey couch. Raindrops ran down the big window and made the lights of the city look blurry. Charlie sat cross-legged on the cushions, watching Nick who picked at the fabric of his sweatpants.

“Wanna talk about your day?” Charlie asked.
Nick shook his head. “Not yet. Tell me about yours instead?”

Charlie took one of the pillows and pulled it in his lap, hugging his arms around it. “Hmm … Today was a bit boring. I spent most of my music theory course coming up with songs for our musical. I met Elle for lunch, she told me about the game night they had at the LGBT+ centre. Some of the kids are pestering her to get you to show up there someday. I was thinking about suggesting it to Alice if you’d be up for it.”

“Sure, that sounds great,” Nick said and seemed to mean it. He did not seem ready to talk just yet so Charlie went on.

 

“Elle and Tao are gonna move in together. I’m pretty sure they will bump their heads quite some times in the beginnings but I’m happy for them.”

This information made Nick furrow his brows. “Tao is moving out?”

Charlie nodded. It was true what he had said – he was happy for his friends but he still didn’t like to think about what would happen once Tao had moved out. Nick seemed confused like he couldn’t imagine them not living together. “So, you’ll be alone in your apartment then?”

“Nah, some other student will move in.”

The furrow on Nicks forehead deepened. “What if they aren’t nice?”

Charlie laughed at that. “I’ll just have to deal with it.”

“I have a spare room.”

They both looked at each other like they weren’t sure if they had heard it right. Nick looked as if he hadn’t really meant to say these words out loud and was now shocked that he did and Charlie looked as if Nick had gotten down on one knee in front him.

 

“I’m sorry, that was a stupid offer!” - “You don’t have to do that!”
They both spoke at the same time and then stopped and just looked at each other again and Charlie felt awkward but there also was a slight tingle beneath his skin.

“It would be safer, you know,” began Nick, “your new room mate could be homophobic or take pictures of you when you sleep and sell them to magazines.” He looked truly concerned but Charlie couldn’t help laughing.

“Why would any magazine buy those?”

Nick did not have an answer for that but he still continued. “I have more than enough space, my spare room is bigger than both Taos and your bedroom combined. There are security in the lobby at all times and Otis could drive you to campus or anywhere else.”

“So, you want me to move in with you for security reasons and because you have too much space?”

Charlie was only teasing, he couldn’t do anything else right now because he just couldn’t believe it.

 

When Tao had said that he should ask Nick if he could move in with him, Charlie had brushed it off as a joke. Then he had started fantasising about it just a little (a little meaning a lot) but he sure as hell would never have actually asked. And now here he was, telling Nick that Tao would move out and Nick, this big dork, just offered to share his apartment and listed off reasons why it was the most logical solution.
If Charlie was a more confident person (not that he wasn’t confident, just not enough) he would just say yes and thank you and maybe kiss Nick. But he didn’t.
“I can’t afford even half the rent, Nick.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I’m messy.”

“So am I.”

“It’s far from campus.”

“Like I said, Otis can drive you.”

Gosh, Charlie didn’t want to make up any more reasons or excuses. He had daydreamed about making tea in Nicks kitchen while Nick was in the shower, this time without breaking anything, or about having a movie night on this big ass TV screen and falling asleep on the couch only to wake up with a stiff neck. But …

“Nick, we’re in a fake relationship, we signed a goddamn contract.”
Nicks eyes darkened and when he shifted closer, Charlie was about to hurry back but resisted the urge. Nicks face was close to his now, he could see every single blonde eyelash, he could count his freckles if Nick didn’t lean in now.

 

The kiss didn’t make him melt, it swallowed him whole. There was a hunger behind it and it stirred Charlies own hunger, that had been sitting in his chest, wide awake. He wanted this. He wanted this kiss and everything that followed after, he was just lifting his hands to hold onto Nicks shirt when the other man pulled away.
As Charlie opened his eyes, his gaze immediately landed on Nicks lips. The older man seemed to notice it because his mouth turned into a smile.

“Was this fake?” he asked with a hushed voice as Charlie met his eyes.

Charlie shook his head, unable to speak because his mind was racing. He liked that man in front of him so much, he was so scared of turning this into something real (but they had passed the point of saying it was only pretend long ago), he needed to kiss him so bad. Everything was so much, so intense, so strong, so emotional. He needed a break.

“I need a moment,” he said and his voice sounded funny as he practically jumped off the couch and walked to the kitchen island to pour himself a cup of water.

 

“Charlie,” Nick said and said it again when Charlie wouldn’t meet his eyes. He got up as well and slowly walked over to him. “You don’t have to move in with me. I get it, it’s all so fast and under the weirdest circumstances one could imagine.” He had reached the kitchen island and leaned against it with his side. “I had a discussion today with the head of the PR team. That’s why I was so upset. She asked about us meeting up and just talked about money and social media posts and it made this whole thing feel so shallow and … like a PR stunt. Which is what it was meant to be but I don’t … I don’t feel like it is any more.”

And there it was – the truth.

Charlie had known it, had felt it but hadn’t dared to say it. Thank god Nick was braver than him.

“What did she say about money?” That wasn’t the appropriate reaction to Nicks confession, Charlie knew that but he needed to know or it would bug him the whole time.

“She asked if you knew that you won’t be paid for hanging out if with unless it’s something they have set us up for.” Nick sounded like he wanted to laugh it off but Charlie could hear the quiet what if that twirled through Nicks head.

“That is stupid. Of course I’d spend time with you! I don’t need to be paid anything to be your …” He trailed off, the word stuck in his throat. Maybe he was taking this too far.

“… boyfriend?” Nicks voice trembled just a bit.

“Boyfriend,” repeated Charlie. Hearing and saying the word didn’t feel like he had expected. It was more like putting on a backpack whose weight he had completely underestimated. A silence stretched out between them.

 

Nick was the one to break it. “Maybe I could take you on a date first. Before we have the discussion about being, you know, boyfriends.”

The backpack was lifted from his shoulders, Charlie could feel it and nodded in agreement. “I’d like that.”

“Next Tuesday?”

“On Valentines Day?”

“Why not? It’s a date, it’s meant to be romantic.”

“Why are you grinning like that? You’ve already got something planned, haven’t you?”

“Maybe.”

 

They ended up on the couch. No, not naked, not yet. Instead, they talked. About Tao and Elle and visiting the LGBT+ centre, about Darcy and Tara and karaoke night, about Sai and Christian and getting fit for the upcoming season, about Isaac and college and the musical, about Simon and how he knew the Prince of Sweden.
They talked about their upcoming date (more like: Charlie guessed and Nick refused to give more than hints) and that they would not tell Nicks manager or the PR team about the development of their relationship yet (“I don’t want to keep getting paid for going on a date with you.” - “Think of it as a compensation for having to put up with all the negative stuff, seriously.”). They talked over dinner which consisted of healthy take-out (Charlie hadn’t known you could get salad delivered to your door) and over most part of a movie they had put on at some point.
They were still talking as the actors on screen slowly danced to a song Charlie knew but couldn’t remember the singer of, sitting close to each other, Charlies fingers softly stroking through Nicks hair.
‘… I want you to fall like the rain, into my arms, I know you’re scared to, it’s okay.’

 

-

 

Elle was a good friend. And as a good friend it was her duty and delight to turn the narrow hallway in Charlies and Taos apartment into a catwalk. Charlie had called her because Nicks management had delivered a package to him. Like, there had been an actual courier that had brought a big brown box up the stairs. Inside were several pieces of clothing and a little card that read ‘hope I got your fashion taste right! Remi xx’

 

“Damn, this feels expensive,” Elle said as she touched the fabric of the first item of clothing. “Do you have to give these back or are you allowed to keep it?”

Charlie turned the card around but there was nothing written in the backside. “I have no idea,” he said. “Maybe it was sent in from some brands. Nick says he gets clothes and other stuff all the time because the brands hope he will wear it and people will buy it after seeing him.”

Elle made a sound of agreement, she had recently bought a dress after seeing pictures of an actress wearing it. She had been able to find it on a website for second-hand clothes but it had still cost more money than she would usually spend on a dress Those magazines the teens at the centre read were no good for her wallet.

They pulled out the clothes from the box. Elle looked at some of the labels inside and pursed her lips as she read names like Off White, Burberry or Givenchy. Right now she lifted a white chunky knit sweater in the air and asked “Isn’t it weird that Nick gets sent stuff like this for free when he is the one who could easily afford to actually buy it?”

Charlie didn’t answer but started biting his lower lip, a dark button-down shirt with a delicate pattern in his hands.
“Hey, what’s going on in your head?” Elle tilted her head to the side and looked at her friend. After a short while he finally answered with a question of his own. “Do you think Nick bought these for me?”

 

Elle didn’t know the answer to that. She knew the money aspect of the relationship to Nick still bothered Nick. Not just getting paid for going on official dates but also being with someone who could just afford to get them into an otherwise sold out concert.
“Why don’t you ask him?” she suggested because to Elle, direct communication was always better than overthinking. Especially when it was something that could be solved with a single text.

 

While Charlie waited for Nicks response, Elle laid out the clothes on his bed.
They certainly were his style, just better quality, not worn out and without any loose threads. There were three articles that strayed a bit from Charlies usual outfits. One was an extremely tight black shirt that made Elle picture Charlie in the role of Danny in Grease, the second was the burgundy red button-down with the fine silver pattern. The third item that made a question mark pop up in her head was a black jacket that looked like it was made from thin leather. She searched for the tag and saw that the material was no real leather but something similar made from plants.
“It wasn’t Nick.” Charlie sounded relieved and showed her his phone screen as she turned around.

 

‘did you by any chance bought clothes for me?’

‘uhm … no. should i?’

‘NO! got sent a box of clothes from your management’

‘ah, is that why Remi texted me, saying you’ve got something to show me? haha you don’t have to wear any of it though if you don’t like it’

 

“Is this what the faux leather jacket is for? Do I even wanna know?”

Charlies face turned a stunning shade of red as she showed him the jacket and he tore it from her hands, completely ignoring her protests. “Charlie! You have to tell me right now!”
Her friend hid his face behind the jacket before looking at her sheepishly. He took a minute to scroll through his phone, then he showed her a photo of himself that turned the made-up image of him as Danny Zuko in her head into something very real.

“Whoever Remi is, they deserve a medal for putting you in that outfit.”
Charlie threw the jacket in Elles face but she could see the way his lips curved into a smile.

It was then time for the hallway to be turned into a catwalk. They shoved the shoes that were scattered on the floor to the wall and Elle insisted on taking photos. She stood in front of the front door, phone in her hands, while Charlie waited for his cue to emerge from his bedroom.

“Let me turn on some music,” Elle called and scrolled through her music library. The first notes of Sissy That Walk filled the flat and she had to raise her voice to speak over it.

 

“Welcome to the first ever fashion show with actual designer clothes in this flat! Give it up for the myth, the legend – Charlie!”

She cheered as Charlie walked out of his room, arms clasped to his body, staring blankly ahead. “Oh, he’s going for the model-looking-like-they-have-never-felt-joyful-look! Starting out really strong tonight!”
When Charlie reached her, he pulled a face and Elle took about a million pictures. They completely forgot the time as Charlie tried different ways of strutting down the hallways. When he had tried on all the clothes Remi had sent, Elle joined him and they went through his and Taos dresser, their outfits and walks getting more wild each time.

They were currently dancing around like two children on too much sugar as the door of the apartment opened and Tao blinked at them. Charlie and Elle paused and remained in their current positions.

“What is going on and why wasn’t I invited?”

Elle was happy. So happy to make a total fool of herself together with her boyfriend and her best friend. So happy to try and send some of the photos to Nick while Tao held back Charlie who tried to rip the phone out of her hands (she did not send Nick any pictures but she really hoped Charlie would someday show him the photo of himself in the all black outfit Remi had taken). So happy when Tao tried on the jacket, his arms being too long to the sleeves. So happy when they had to clear up the mess they had made, clothes strewn on the floor and the furniture. Being alive was wonderful.

‘… I wanna see you strut, strut, strut, come on walk for me’

Notes:

boyfriends :') <3

songs mentioned:
Alex Sampson - Like The Rain
Adam Lambert - Strut

Chapter 25

Notes:

i was thinking about posting this on Valentines Day but i didn't want to make you wait this song haha
enjoy ;)

“You’re joking, right?”

Charlies hadn’t meant so sound as harsh, he could see Nicks lit up face fall, worry taking over the bright smile that had been sitting on his lips since he greeted him.
“Do you not like it?” the older man asked quietly and threw a quick glance to the front of the car where Otis made a point of looking really concentrated on traffic around them.

“Do I not like it?!” Gosh, Charlie couldn’t believe this man was real. “I fucking love it, Nick!” He emphasized is words by hitting Nick lightly on the shoulder. A quick rotation of feelings showed on Nicks face – relief, uncertainty and a glimpse of joy before he settled for utter confusion.

 

Charlie ran his fingers through his hair, shifting in his seat like he was sitting on hot coals. He couldn’t believe it! When Nick has asked him out on a date that, by total accident, would be taking place on Valentines Day, Charlie had thought of going out for dinner. He had not thought of going to a concert that he had tried to get tickets too but had been too late for, a concert that had been sold out for months, a concert by one of his favourite musicians but he was sure he hadn’t mentioned that to Nick, had he?
He tried to share his thoughts with Nick but he was so excited that he was stumbling over his words. Still, Nick finally realised that yes, Charlie was actually really freaking happy about where they were going, even though he started to look a bit worried again when Charlie went into fanboy mode and talked in such a fast pace for the rest of the ride that he kept stumbling over his tongue. Nick was grinning the whole time though, so Charlie did not bother to stop.

 

They could see the crowds of people waiting in front of the arena but of course they would use a different entrance. They had to pass through three gates, each time a security guard would scan them with some kind of x-ray vision and suddenly Otis stopped the car and they got out next to a small plain door. A tiny woman with a with a clipboard in her hands greeted them and told them to follow her.

Charlie had been to concerts in this arena before, he knew the big doors and wide hallways that fit hundreds of people, the tall ceilings and polished floors. The corridors and stairways they were guided through now had grey walls, grey floors and people in all black hurrying around, carrying cables and talking into headsets. After walking through some kind of maze of stairs and narrow hallways, they walked through a door and Charlie instantly recognised the pattern on the floor. They were now in an area of the building that was meant to be accessed by the public.

 

It was empty around them though and their footsteps echoed from the walls.
“This is your lounge,” the woman who had guided them here stopped and pointed to another door. “A waiter will be there for you, if you need anything at all just tell him. I wish you an amazing show.” She smiled and left with small but really fast steps.
Otis walked into the room first, Charlie and Nick followed him and while Nick didn’t seem fazed by the room, Charlie was taken aback.

The lounge provided a direct view to the stage, a big glass front with a narrow bar to set down drinks muffled the sounds from the masses below. The whole room was mostly a dark blue, the walls were covered with fabric and the few seats looked like those plush chairs at the cinema. If he could, Charlie would have let out a whistle but instead he grabbed Nicks hand and pressed it hard. “This is amazing,” he said, looking up to Nick with a smile that covered his whole face and the other man looked a bit smug.

 

Charlie took way too many pictures of the lounge alone and sent them to the group chat to make his friends jealous. He then pulled Nick next to him to take a couple selfies, feeling giddy and excited and like he wanted to kiss Nick a whole damn lot. When he took the next photo, he turned his head to press his lips against Nicks cheek, landed close to the corner of his mouth and when he met Nicks eyes, his arm holding the smartphone dropped down.

They looked at each other. Why did they keep looking at each other, why weren’t they kissing? Charlies head had been running crazy since Nick had told them where they were going in the car, now it had something new to overthink. They had talked about giving this a chance, had kissed before, more than once. But they hadn’t done it with other people around. Charlie could almost see how the same thoughts ran through Nicks head.

Then, something in the other mans’ eyes shifted and he raised a hand to cup Charlies jaw, pulling him into a kiss that left Charlie so hungry, he almost wanted to suggest going home to make out on the couch. The lights in the arena dimmed and the noise of the crowd grew louder. Gosh, Charlie couldn’t believe this man in front of him.

 

The supporting act was some girl band Charlie hadn’t ever heard of but he really liked their music and followed them on Instagram immediately. He tapped to post a new story, looked at the photos he just took, eyes always wandering to the one of him kissing Nicks cheek. Biting his lip, he leant over to Nick, who was nodding along to the music, arms crossed in front of his chest which kinda made him look like a dad who had to accompany his kid to a concert. (It also made his arms look even more muscular like a tiny voice in Charlies head couldn’t help to notice.)
“Do you think I could post this?” Charlie asked him and Nick took a look at his phone screen. When the older man looked up again, Charlie swallowed audibly (or: audibly if they had not been at a concert). He didn’t know why but somehow posting this picture online felt bigger than posing with Nick in front of numerous photographers. Maybe because this photo was real, not set up, just them being out, being happy, being together.

“Care if I repost it in my story as well?” It was an answer and a question in one.

 

Charlie tried not to pay attention to his phone blowing up after the picture of the two of them went online. Thousands of follower and message requests flooded his Instagram and he turned on airplane mode to be able to still use his phone to take pictures.

Soon after the supporting act, the lights changed again and the crowd chanted the name of the singer while waiting for the main part of the concert to begin.

When the first notes of Kiss Me filled the arena, when the people went wild and no one was sitting on their seat any more, when Charlie jumped up and down with excitement, hollering and cheering like he was in the middle of the crowd below, he forgot about his phone and the picture.

It was different seeing the concert from the lounge but his favourite part was still the same. Charlie had always loved to look around the venue, big or small, and watch all the people singing the same words like ‘let this night invade my lungs, you’re all I wanna breathe’ but singing it with a hundred different meanings.
He took a glance to his side where Nick quietly mouthed the lyrics and wondered if maybe they meant the same thing.

‘… right by the lake, I burn for you, you burn for me.’

 

-

 

Nick had been to concerts before, with his friends or his team mates, he once went to a bloody James Blunt concert because his mum was a fan. But he had never been to a concert with Charlie before which was weird since Charlie practically breathed music.
Now he was right beside him and Nick tried to keep his eyes on the stage but couldn’t help them from wandering over to the curly haired ever so often. This had been his idea and he’d wanted to pat himself on the back for coming up with it after Charlie had reacted like a kid going to Disneyland, but somehow the air was getting thinner now with every song.

 

When he discovered that this was Charlies favourite artist, of course he had listened to his album for days. He had heard the lyrics before, it’s nothing new, one could pick a random song and Nick would be able to perform it at a karaoke bar. Sure, he would butcher it but at least he’d know all the words. But he had never heard the words ‘I’ve seen stars reborn in your eyes’ with Charlie standing right next to him.
He noticed he was openly staring when Charlie turned to him and slowed down his weird jumpy dance moves. He gave him a thumbs up to say that everything was fine but his mouth felt dry. Quickly he reached for the cup of water the waiter had brought him earlier.

Watching Charlie with a full arena singing ‘you can run around infinite in my head’ was a moment Nick was confident he would never forget. He would grow old and still think of the way the coloured lights hit Charlies face, he was sure of that. And the way Charlie closed his eyes, lashes looking endlessly against his skin, when ‘take my love and all my love and get the darkness to dance’ echoed through the venue? Yeah, this image was ingrained in Nicks brain forever.

He did it without further thinking, putting his arms around Charlies slender frame from behind and ‘I get scared of the dark and I never noticed rooms were made bright by you’ and them swaying together to the beat as if they had done it for years. Images of his younger self holding a younger version of Charlie like this flickered trough his mind, back when no one knew his name. Other images – made up ones – chased the memory away. Charlie standing in his kitchen, making tea in the morning and Nick pressing a kiss on his neck and ‘I want your heart to be for me’.
Nicks face felt warm, hot even, as he let his hands drop to Charlies waist and spun him around.

Charlies face was beautiful. He had this confused-but-happy look, sparkling eyes still visible even though his face was in the shadows now and Nick had to kiss him.
He knew that communication was important, he had learned to use his words, especially with Charlie who tended to assume the worst if one didn’t say something clearly. But Nick hoped that this kiss and ‘never had a star leading me home ‘til I saw you that evening’ and his grip on Charlies shirt and ‘let your tears erode my shoulder like a cliff side’ and the sound of his heart that surely drowned out all the other noise around them and ‘no one ever got my soul right like he could’ and their bodies flush against each other were enough to underline the most important line: ‘I hope you know that it’s okay to fall.’

 

-

 

They left before the encore to not get into traffic and hoards of people, especially after sharing their location through their story earlier. Usually this would have bugged the hell out of Charlie but he could deal with it tonight. He felt tired but also full of all this energy like one does after a great concert. Otis didn’t even ask if Charlie wanted to go back to the dorms. Otis was a good man.

Now Nick had just locked the door behind them, the apartment was dead silent compared to the buzzing arena and they had talked the whole ride home but now Charlie didn’t say a word.
“Are you tired yet?”
That was a tough question because yes, Charlies body was ready to fall down on a mattress and stay there for eight to nine hours but his mind was very much awake.
“That was a really great date,” he said which wasn’t the answer to Nicks question but the other man smiled and then had the audacity to wrinkle his nose and ask “You think so?”
At that, Charlie had to kiss him.

 

It was almost too much of a cliché – going on a date on Valentines Day and then going back to Nicks’ apartment to make out and spend the night together. Charlie was just glad that he didn’t give shit if he was currently conforming to an overused trope in film or literature. His mind wasn’t helping by providing him with images of him falling down on a mattress in a not-sleepy way. He had felt the hunger flame up inside him at their first kiss in the lounge. He had felt the slow but deep desire when Nick had kissed him all pressed up against the horribly uncomfortable wooden bar at the glass front. He had felt the need to get closer with every love song and he could probably convince himself that this was the high of seeing one of his favourite artists live but really, he had needed to kiss Nick this way for while now.

 

When they had started dating in school, both of them were so young, so innocent and they had shared all their first times. Kissing still felt as good as back then, even better, and Charlie wanted to know if other things would still feel as good.
After overcoming his eating disorder and claiming back his body as something to be proud of, sex had played a non dispensable role in his self love journey. Sleeping with someone and not be ashamed of your body, not think if maybe you were looking weird in a certain position, really made a difference.

That didn’t mean Charlie wasn’t nervous when Nicks hands slid under his shirt, touching the bare skin on his waist, his back, his shoulder blades. Of course he had asked if this was okay and Charlie had nodded because it was very okay. Chills were running down his spine, goose bumps following the trace of Nicks fingers. A simple “Can I?” was enough for Charlie to lift his arms and let Nick pull off his shirt. Nick carefully traced over the delicate silver chain around his neck.
Warm lips touched his left shoulder, made their way up his neck and when Nick sucked on the skin under his jaw, Charlies breath came out quivering. His own fingers were knotted into Nicks shirt like he wanted to tear the fabric apart.

Nick carefully untangled his shirt from Charlies grip and in one swift motion he had pulled it over his head and it landed somewhere on the ground.
“Wait, how many tattoos do you have?” Charlie whispered as he touched the one on Nicks side, the one he knew about because he had been with him when he had gotten it. It was a compass and they had jokingly (because seriousness would have been too soppy) said it would always lead him back to Charlie. Maybe it had done that, after all.

There was a small drawing of a wall outlet tattooed on the other side on his ribcage. When Charlies fingers graced over it, Nick shuddered slightly. “Sorry,” Charlie mumbled and was about to pull back his hand when Nick grabbed it to keep him from pulling away completely.
“I’ve got three in total,” Nick said.
Charlie scanned his torso but didn’t see another tattoo. He still needed to swallow because damn, that guy was fit. “Where is the third one?”
“A bit lower.”
Nick seemed to notice his words came out wrong when Charlies eyes nearly popped out. “It’s on my ankle!” the older man said louder than necessary and quickly lifted his right foot to pull down his sock and show Charlie the tattoo of a small feather.
It was too late though because Charlies mind was off to nothing good and instead of asking Nick why he got a tattoo of a feather, he only uttered a shrill “a feather?”
“Everyone on the team got it,” Nick said and set his foot back on the floor.

Charlie could have said something like “that’s really cool” or “what’s the story behind the other tattoo” or anything really, but somehow his brain decided to throw “I want you” right in Nicks face.
He hadn’t been so blunt if he had any power over his self but right now he was a victim to the sight of Nicks hips and the tiny space between skin and boxer where one could hook their fingers in to maybe rip his pants but also get him naked in a second.

“You want me?”
Charlie had never seen Nicks eyes looking so round, so dark. They weren’t touching, just facing each other and Charlie felt like a bowstring being pulled to the point of almost breaking. “Yes.”

‘… touch is making me feel a way, whenever I get around you, I lose it, lose it ‘cause I feel so comfortable with you, you make me comfortable with you.’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Dermot Kennedy - Kiss Me
basically every song from him bc it's his concert
H.E.R. - Comfortable

Chapter 26

Notes:

if you were hoping for something steamy, I am sorry, this will not be part of this story. maybe in the next one? (rockstar!charlie is still on my mind ...)
have fun! xx

Nick had woken up next to an unmade but empty side of the bed two times this year but not today. This morning a mop of dark curls was poking out from under the blanket, sprawling across the white pillow. A tired grin formed on Nicks face at the sight. He didn’t want to wake Charlie, not when he seemed to be sound asleep and Nick knew how often the younger man spent his nights laying awake. Thinking of that, he remembered that the times Charlie had slept in the same bed as him, he hadn’t had any trouble sleeping through the night. The warm, fuzzy feeling in his stomach intensified at that thought.

He fumbled for the phone on his nightstand, nearly pushed it over the edge in doing so but caught it just in time. There were a few texts from his friends he responded to, he skipped over the twenty new messages in the teams group chat and then opened Instagram. Nick looked at his own story again, held a finger down to not let it close the picture of Charlie and him. He almost couldn’t believe they had taken this merely hours ago. Something had changed since then.
Last night he had seen all of Charlie, explored every patch of skin, found out the places he could place a kiss and make Charlie gasp in return. He had laid him out like a map, tracing his fingers over the light skin. Of course he still remembered seeing Charlie naked, remembered the birthmark in the shape of the African continent just above his left knee. His fingers had run down Charlies back like they followed a carved out track, like they still found the way from years ago. There were new things, too, new spots to remember and he wanted to mark them with permanent ink. Like Charlies Adam’s apple, sitting prominent like a monument when the dark haired man had thrown his head back, so unashamed in his pleasure like Nick hadn’t seen him before. He wanted to keep making Charlie arch his back so openly willing, wanted to forever lure the sound from his lips without biting down on a hand to hold back.
He loved how confident Charlie had become, he loved seeing him like that, he just … loved.

Nick exited the bed as quietly as possible. Charlie made a little huffing sound but didn’t wake up, still, Nick flinched as the door of his closet made a creaking sound and he blindly fished around for some clothes before tiptoeing to the bathroom.
He spent about twenty minutes reading on the sofa. Or trying to – he was aware of every noise, just waiting for Charlie to wake up.
When the door to the bedroom was finally swung open, a crumpled looking Charlie stood before him. “Morning,” Nick said, beaming at the sight of the younger man. Seeing Charlie shamelessly moaning between the sheets was one thing. Seeing him with an imprint of the wrinkles of the pillow on his left cheek was a whole new level of desirable.

“What are you reading?” Charlie asked with a yawn and tilted his head to peak at the cover of the book in Nicks hands. “You’re reading Shakespeare?”
“Trying to, at least.” With that, Nick got up and walked over to Charlie who had only thrown on his boxers and shivered slightly. He took the younger mans hand, the one with the tattoo, and carefully thumbed over the smiley face. “I want to know what my boyfriend has been stressing about in his classes.”
The word – boyfriend – tasted different today. He had said it before but the unspoken fake had always rung through. “Is that what we are? Boyfriends?” Charlies face showed a mixture of coyness and hope.
Nick pinched his nose with the hand that wasn’t still holding onto Charlie. “We’ve been boyfriends since December if I’m not mistaken.”

Charlie pulled his hand from his grip and put on a pout. “We have not been boyfriends since December,” he stated.
“Well … maybe we’ve been boyfriends since yesterday?”
“We will not have bloody Valentines Day as our anniversary!” The pout on Charlies face was still there and Nick couldn’t help but kiss him, thinking about what kind of anniversary Charlie had talked about. Weekly? Monthly? Yearly?

The kiss, which really was more of a peck, was turned into something more. Young love did this, right? It made you hungry at all times, always asking for a next serving.

Seriously though, Nick was hungry now. For food! He had a message from Tara that read ‘guess our anti-valentines-day-breakfast is cancelled’ and was signed with a winky face.
Nick had been mopey when the first Valentines Day as a single man came around a couple years ago. But all of his close friends were in committed relationships and so Tara and Darcy had come up with the anti-valentines-day-breakfast where they would go out to a waffle house and stuff their faces.

His stomach growled at the thought of waffles. “Are you up for breakfast in public?” He turned his head to face Charlie who was twirling a lock of his dark hair around a finger.
“Uhm … I’m naked.” Charlie let go of his hair and it fell into his face so he puffed some air from his mouth to blow it away. He failed and Nick reached out to whisk away the strand of hair.
“Which is nice but we could put some clothes on, you know.”
“I don’t have clean clothes to change into.”
“You could borrow something. Or we could stay here if you’d like that better.”
“Wait … do I have access to your wardrobe now?” Charlie said with a beaming look on his face. “Since, you know, I’m your boyfriend?”

He texted Tara when Charlie was in the bathroom, the music on his phone turned up, sound tinny through the bathroom door. Nick could get used to this.

‘… and you’ll come to learn that falling in love is a strange work of art’

 

-

 

Tara was a good friend. Entering a waffle house before noon the day after the Valentines Day Party at her favourite lesbian club was the best evidence for it. She had no clue how Darcy could look so freaking perky and awake! The restaurant was about half-filled, mostly families with young kids. A small boy with a chocolate covered mouth almost ran into her as they made their way to a table in a somewhat empty corner.

“Do you think they have strawberries?” her girlfriend – wait, no – her fiancée asked as they sat down. It still felt a bit absurd to call her that. It sounded so damn grown up.
“Why wouldn’t they?” Tara said and handed her the menu.
“’Cause it’s February.”
“The seasonal calendar doesn’t apply to waffle houses,” Tara decided just as the main door opened and a smiling Nick entered, followed by Charlie who was combing his curls out of his face. He was wearing a sweater which Tara knew belonged to Nick and that made her smile.

As the two men sat down across from then, Tara squinched her eyes. Something about their body language and their permanent smiles was different than usual, kind of suspicious.
“Did you have a nice Valentines Day, then?” Darcy asked and when Tara looked over to her, she could see the blonde woman had her tongue peeking out between her teeth, grinning wide. It was enough to make Charlies face match the colour of the pink tablecloth.
Nick hurried to answer, “The concert was great!” and as waitress who looked quite young approached them, he was saved from Darcy for now.
“Welcome to the Waffle Palace,” the girl said. She was obviously trying not to stare at Nick and Charlie too much as she took their orders. She reminded Tara of one of her cousins, she had the same deep dimples when she smiled.

As they waited for the food, they started to argue about the same thing as everyone who came here did.
“The texture of a waffle is perfect for sauces. On pancakes, it just runs down the sides!”
“You can eat pancaked with just butter though, plain and tasty. Eating a plain waffle is weird.
“How often do you eat waffles at home and how often do you made pancakes? See, that’s why it’s only logical to eat waffles when eating out because you won’t have them as often.”
“The heart-shaped ones taste different, you can’t tell me otherwise.”
“Isn’t it strange how they are made from almost the same dough but you wouldn’t put powdered sugar on a pancake?”

Darcy got her waffles with strawberries along with an excessive amount of whipped cream while Nick had chosen a savoury version with different herbs. (“Those are not real waffles, you know that, right?”) Tara had wanted to ordered those but had switched to a dish with loads of citrus fruits and was planning on stealing one of Nicks waffles. Charlies plate looked a little chaotic because he had ordered a best-of of the different types of waffles. (“I’ve never been here before, I have to try a little of everything, don’t I?”)

It was when Charlie left for the bathroom that Tara leaned over the table and gave Nick a conspirational look. “Spill it,” she said, grinning in amusement as a blush on her friends face appeared.
“Uhm … we might be official boyfriends now.”
Darcy started whooping and the family two tables over turned around to look at them. “I knew it! Like, from the day you called and told us that you’ve seen him again, I just knew!” Tara cheered and stole a piece of waffle from Nicks plate. Chewing on her haul, she continued, “You two are sickeningly sweet, I love it.” When Charlie came back, he seemed a tad confused by the smug look on her and Darcys faces.

After they paid, the young waitress fumbled around with the big wallet in her hands. “Uhm,” she nestled on her apron, then the words rushed out of her mouth, “would it be okay if I took a picture?”
She must have waited for the right moment to ask since they had walked in. Tara and Darcy were somewhat used to people coming up to them when they hung out with Nick in public. As long as Nick didn’t mind, Tara always offered to take the photo but this time Charlie was faster. “I can take it,” he said once Nick had said “sure” and reached out his hand, waiting for the girl to hand him the phone the pulled from her pocket.
“I’d like you to be in it, too,” she said, leaving Charlie looking dumbfounded as Tara took the phone in her hands.

Nick and Charlie were picked up by a black car while Tara and Darcy made their way to the next subway station. Their tangled hands were swinging back and forth between them, steps in perfect rhythm. They were only a few meters from the stairs that lead to the station when Darcy stopped. “Maybe we could take a walk?” The question was a bit unusual coming from her but Tara didn’t mind. She liked strolling through the streets and didn’t have to be at the dance studio for another few hours.
They didn’t take the shortest route, instead they took their time to look at the window displays. It was nice but Tara felt like there was something in her girlfriends mind. She didn’t pry, sure that Darcy would tell her when she was ready and they walked in silence until Darcy stopped to look at the display of another shop. Stunning white wedding dresses sparkled behind the glass and Tara held Darcys hand a little tighter.
“People would expect me to wear something other than a dress, right? A suit or something like that.

Tara had always loved dresses. She liked lace and tulle and felt pretty in her tutu when dancing. When imagining her dream wedding, she had pictured herself in a dress. Darcy on the other hand rarely wore dresses or skirts ever since she didn’t have to wear a school uniform any more.
“You can wear whatever you want to,” she said, eyeing her fiancées face.
“I’ve never been as girly as you when it comes to clothes. But sometimes it annoys me when people frame me as a tomboy and it feels like being tied to another stereotype. What if I wanted to dress like a frigging Disney princess?”
“You’d look fine as hell,” Tara answered because to her Darcy always looked absolutely smashing, even when she hadn’t washed her hair in a couple of days and there was a soup stain on her shirt. “You can try some dresses, you can try on suits. Just don’t wear anything to prove something to … whoever. I’d marry you in pyjamas, you know that.”

Darcy gave her a look like she considered it then she kissed her. As she put a hand on her face, Tara could feel the cold metal of Darcys engagement ring on her cheek. Yup, she was gonna marry that woman and she couldn’t be more excited about it, she thought, as she smiled into the kiss. It tasted like strawberries.

‘… I don’t care what song that we play or mess that we make, just company now, comfort crowd’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
SYML - Girl
Conan Gray - Comfort Crowd

Chapter 27

Notes:

consider this a valentines day gift from me to you :)

Charlies eyes hurt, he desperately wanted to close them and just sleep. He looked out the window of the car, the city looked blurred from the tiredness in his bones. It had been a long day.
First he had his classes at university and he knew he had been slacking off a bit because he was so caught up in this whole thing with Nick but as he sat in his course for history of music he had really noticed just how much revising he had to do. Hanging out with his fake-but-now-real-boyfriend was clearly more fun than studying the works of composers of the Baroque era.
Isaac had asked him twice over lunch if he was listening when Charlie had zoned out, thinking about sitting on Nicks lap and kissing him kissing him kissing him.
When he had checked his phone after his last class, he had three missed calls from his sister. He had called her back and realised they hadn’t talked on the phone in several weeks now. It wasn’t like they had had weekly calls before that but when she complained about how he didn’t respond to any of the memes she sent him on Instagram, Charlie felt the need to tell her, he missed her. He didn’t open his Instagram any more because of the constant notifications that hadn’t really stopped popping up ever since the concert. Which was the reason why he had been at the office of Nicks management once again for a private lesson on social media. His fingers found the eye-shaped pendant on his necklace, holding onto it in a way to connect him to his sister.

Alice and a guy named Stephen who worked as a social media manager had sat down with him to “talk about his next steps”. It ended with him deleting many of his posts or putting them in a private archive before making his profile public. “People want to connect with you and we can manage this better if there’s an official way for them to do so. I will supervise the comment section and we’ve already talked about the guidelines for new posts. If you want to open a private account make sure it stays private,” Stephen had told him as Charlie had watched his follower count go up like crazy.Something about stepping into that office building always made him feel on edge, every conversation he had in there drained him and now he was sat in a car with a driver he didn’t know.
On top of all that there had been a paparazzi waiting near campus and Charlie was pretty sure he would have a resting bitch face in those pictures. At least he hadn’t spilled his coffee all over himself in surprise when he had noticed the man with the camera. He really didn’t need photos of that flying around the internet!

Coming back into his apartment, his shoulders relaxed instantly. He was able to take a deep breath before the door to Taos bedroom sprang open and his best friend pointed at him. “You’re on Who Wore It Better and you’re winning!”
Charlie managed to kick off his shoes and throw his coat on the hanger (it fell down to the ground but he didn’t bother picking it up) before stepping into Taos room. It was miraculously tidy in here which was the result of Tao moving his stuff to Elles flat step by step. Without the movie posters covering the wall and the dusty shelves cleared off all the nick-nack it felt kinda empty.
“Look, that is you!” His best friend was enthused over something on his phone screen and showed it to him. Charlie had never seen that website before but apparently it collected pictures of (more or less) famous people wearing the same outfit and the visitors of the site could vote on who wore it better. The current poll showed the photo of a ginger girl Charlie vaguely remembered from a singing contest on TV wearing an oversized white sweater with leggings – and a photo of Charlie, wearing the same sweater that he had unpacked with Elle a while ago. It was strange to see himself like this, walking on the pavement, clutching a cup of coffee in his hands, his coat was open and a gust of wind had blown it to the sides. He did not look pissed off like he had feared he would, instead he looked like he was thinking about something really hard.

64 percent of the voters thought that he sweater suited him better and when Charlie saw the price that was enlisted next to the pictures, his eyes went wide. Why would anyone spend that much money on a single item of clothing? Sure, the chunky wool gave it a cool pattern and it looked nice but did wearing it make him seem cocky? Not to Tao who went on about how cool this was. “I have to send this to Tori,” he said and swiped around on his phone as Charlie begged him not to. His sister would tease him endlessly about it and he wouldn’t pick up her calls again, this time on purpose.

“Is there any food?” Charlie asked as his stomach growled.
“There’s some Dal left, you probably have to reheat it.”
As Charlie walked to the tiny kitchen, he could hear Tao rummage in his room, probably packing more boxes. He would move out by the end of the month and Charlie planned to do the same but he hadn’t started packing yet. He probably should but right now he just wanted to eat and go to bed. Stirring the food in the pot, he set up a new profile on Instagram and then sent a text to his sister.
‘that’s my new private instagram. waiting for you to send me memes!’
“Hey Charlie,” Tao called from his room, “did you ask Nick about the event at the centre?”
Right, that had been another thing on his to do list but one he had managed to to. Since it was LGBT+ history month, the centre Elle volunteered at had set up a couple of events. She had wanted to know if maybe him and Nick would be attending the finale event since some of the teens had practically begged her to ask them.
“Nick’s got something planned with the team but I’ll be there of course,” he called back. He liked helping out at the centre even if he had never turned it into something regular. But whenever Elle asked for help for things like the summer festival, Charlie was sure to turn up. He would have loved a safe place like the centre as a teenager and he admired Elle for taking her time to support the community.

“Want to watch some Baby Ballroom?” Tao appeared at the doorstep, apparently he was done packing for tonight.
“Only if we do it in my room, yours isn’t cosy any more,” Charlie answered and ended his sentence with a pout.
“Don’t give me those eyes! You’re moving out, too. You’re moving in with your real, genuine, actual, proper boyfriend and it’s all because of me, you should be thankful! And you should start packing your stuff.” Charlie stuck his tongue out at his friend, still he couldn’t help but smile at the word boyfriend.

As they sat on Charlies bed, their backs leaned against the wall, Tao commenting on the young dancers and their “complete lack of cinematic drama”, Charlie tried not to think about the fact that this might be the last time they’d do this. Yes, they would still be best friends and have movie nights and cook dinner together or just sit in a room and talk or listen to music or just exist together. But it would still be different and for a moment, Charlie wished he could ask Tao to stay.

‘… wish that we could stay in this for life, wish we could remain in this but I, I know better’

 

-

 

Practice had been rough and Nicks left shoulder hurt from an extra mean tackle. He had lost focus and that’s when one his team mates had taken the chance to bring him down.
Their trainer had told him to get his head in the game and he had really tried to but the conversation with his manager had been stuck in his head. He couldn’t exactly hide that Charlie would move in with him, so he had called his manager to tell him.
There were several phrases that Nick couldn’t get out of his head. Like this one: “Is he trying to press you for money?” He had been so shocked by the question that he didn’t answer right away which his manager thought meant yes and Nick had to practically shout at his phone to stop him from doing … whatever but surely it wouldn’t be anything good.
He had said that no, of course Charlie wasn’t asking him for anything, Nick had to actually convince him that moving in would be a good idea. His manager probably wouldn’t call it that.

“Isn’t that taking it a bit too far, Nicholas?” was another question that still went round and round in Nicks head. He couldn’t answer it without talking about the newest change to his and Charlies fake relationship and it felt too early, too vulnerable. Which was ridiculous since everyone already thought of them as a couple for weeks now.
“That is not exactly how we planned this” – another sentence that would live rent free in Nicks mind, not because it was welcome there but because it showed him how much of his life was being planned, analysed and redirected if it wasn’t working out right.
The worst part was the fact that his manager didn’t sound angry, his congratulations actually sounded genuine but his worries did too (too fast, too much, too close to the upcoming season). Still, the more these phrases repeated themselves in Nicks brain, the more they sounded like they had been spat in his face and really, no one could blame him for not seeing that tackle coming with all this on his mind.

Nick had never wanted to be famous but he didn’t mind the attention he gained when he showed off his rugby skills. It was confusing but flattering when people gushed over him not because of his skills but because of his looks and he learned to live with that too. There had been shitty headlines about him before, especially when his game was off but it had never hurt him as much as it had last December. And ever since Charlie was back in his life, he had been more sensitive, more on edge when it came to press or fans. He wanted to protect Charlie more than anyone else. He also wanted to show him off to the world and these two sides didn’t really get along.
“Hey Nelson, stop thinking so much or your face is gonna stay that way, all wrinkly and weird,” Sai said and brought his thoughts back to the locker room which was almost empty by now.
Nick sighed and only managed to half-ass a smile at his friend.

“What’s wrong?” Sai asked and sat on the bench across from Nick.
“I told our manager about Charlie and me.”
Sai nodded knowingly. “It’s weird, right? I remember that I almost wanted to hide my relationship at first just to not let it become something the public would have an opinion on. I mean, everyone already thinks you’re together but you might still feel that way?”
“It’s exactly like that,” Nick said, glad his friend understood, “and it’s the same about the move. I’m so excited for it but I’m also really intimidated by the thought of moving in together after such a short amount of time.”
“I wish I could give you any advice, man. I’ve got friends who moved in quickly and split after a couple of months and I’ve got friends who moved in quickly and are now married and happy.” Sai absentmindedly played with the zipper of his jacket as he spoke.

“Yeah, that really wasn’t helpful of you,” Nick said and his friend laughed.
“Sorry Nick, you’ll just have to see how it’s gonna turn out.” While talking, Sai had stood up and walked towards the door of the changing room. Nick started to stuff his belongings into his bag. At the door, Sai turned to him one more time. “Two bedrooms,” he said and Nick looked at him in confusion.
“Two bedrooms?”
“Works wonders, I promise. Totally cool to sleep in separate beds even when you’re not fighting. And having your own space is a luxury one should allow themselves in a relationship, especially in a big flat like yours.” He knocked on the wooden door frame as a goodbye and Nick was left alone in the smelly room. He opened on of the window before he left as well, still thinking about what Sai had said. He had kind of assumed Charlie would move into the spare room as an excuse but stay with Nick the whole time. He had thought of them doing this together and that together and had thought of them being attached at the hip but now he imagined them living their own lives and sharing the space they wanted to.

‘… you’re breathing the ocean air, I’m running my fingers through your hair, I’d follow you anywhere, it’s vulnerable’

 

-

 

Charlie had no idea how he had managed to gather so much stuff in such a tiny room. He had thought he would only need like three boxes but now he was closing the fifth box and somehow there was still clothes and books lying around. (Also he was somehow missing a lamp? It had been sitting on top of his bookshelf, he was sure about that. Or had he already put it into of the boxes?) Maybe he should have started packing earlier but it wasn’t like he could have seen that coming. (He totally could have, actually.)
Tao and Elle were loading boxes into Elles car while Charlie loaded his into a small truck. He knew it would have caused a little ruckus if Nick had shown up to help him move. People at the dorm had been giving him curious looks the past weeks and because Nick had a photo shooting with his team anyway, he had sent him Otis with a car to pick him up.
Charlie had asked Otis to stay in the car, the bodyguard did not have to carry his belongings for him, people would talk even more. Really, it was good to move out of here because ever since the concert people seemed to be more interested in Charlie and other students had been lingering in the hallways, going dead silent when he arrived but staring at him with wide eyes.

Seeing their little flat completely stripped off of any personal items made Charlie feel hollow and like he had lost his anchor. This had been his home for the past years, a home he had shared with his best friend and now they would close the door for the last time.
“I’ll wait by the car,” Elle said, playing around with the keys in her hand, and left Charlie and Tao alone to let them say goodbye.
“Maybe we should have had a farewell party,” Tao said and absent-mindedly moved his beanie around until the label was facing sideways.
“I don’t want us to ever have a farewell party.” Charlie noticed the stagger in his own voice. Maybe this had been a bad idea, maybe he should ask if he could crash on Elles sofa just for a while. Moving in with Nick after they had just become real boyfriends? He must have been out of his mind, drunk on the feeling of a blossoming love to think this was smart. But there was no going back now.

Tao reached for him and Charlie launched himself into his hug. “Promise me we’ll see each other as often as possible.” His voice was muffled from pressing his face into Taos sweater.
“Of course we will, Charlie.” Tao patted his back then he took a step backwards and sternly looked at him. “Charlie, are you seriously worried about our friendship?” he asked and sounded appalled.
Charlie shrugged, “It happens, right? People grow apart.”
“But we’re not people, we’re Charlie and Tao. We’ll never not be the best of friends! Moving out doesn’t change that. We’re just growing up and moving in with out significant other. You’re excited to live with Nick, aren’t you?”
“I am but … I’m also scared, you know.”
Tao sighed and rubbed his neck. “You know what? I’ve been wanting to move in with Elle for months and I can’t wait to wake up next to her everyday but, to be honest, I’m a little scared too. It’s a big step, it’s normal.”
“Sure,” Charlie let out a laugh, “like anything would be able to separate you two.”

Tao looked to the door as if to check that no one would enter it. “Me and Elle almost broke up when she moved here.” Charlies mouth dropped open, why had he never heard about this before?
“It wasn’t easy, you know that best,” his friend continued and Charlie nodded because yep, he did know just too well. “We had planned to move to London together and then I decided to stay back home for another year. I didn’t tell you then because you were in hospital and I didn’t want to upset you any more. We had a fight and it was rough for a few weeks but we sorted it out. I never told you because it didn’t matter afterwards. The thing is, I had planned to move to London with you since we were kids, to get out of that small town. And I love Elle and I did back then but I would have never left without you. So, don’t even think about us growing apart because I won’t let that happen, Charlie, ever.” Charlie didn’t try to hold back the tears, it would have been pointless anyway. This was his best friend right here, the one he had wanted to be his blood brother when they were kids. Tao had stolen a knife from the kitchen but then both of them had been too scared to cut themselves into their fingers. Tao had said it would dull the knife anyway. When Charlie had fallen down and scraped his knee and Tao had scratched at a mosquito bite a little too much, they had made a pact to never let anything come between them. This promise was still standing, strong and safe like an anchor.

It was a little weird that Otis was the one with the key to what was now Charlies new home. He stepped in carrying a backpack with essentials, he didn’t feel like unpacking everything right away.
Since the dorm rooms had been equipped with a bed frame, drawer and desk, he didn’t have any real furniture besides a chair and a bedside lamp.
He had ordered a bed but Nick hadn’t said anything about its arrival so he guessed his new bedroom was still empty. It was a large room with a window sill wide enough to sit on and it would probably look lovely once it wasn’t just an empty box any more.
“Do you want to unload your stuff now or later?” Otis asked and added, “I could help you this time, you know.” He smiled so genuinely, Charlie had no idea how someone this nice could be a tough security guard.
“Maybe later?”
Otis left him on his own in the big apartment and Charlie almost wished the neighbours would turn up their music. He hadn’t been in here without Nick before. Yes, he had been awake before him or waited while Nick was in the shower but it was different being completely alone in a flat that wasn’t his. Or maybe it kind of was now.

He wanted to text Nick but as he pulled out his phone, he saw the battery had run empty. Hopefully he had put a charger in his backpack.
Charlie set his bag down, unzipped it and found the charger, plugged it into the nearest outlet and then wandered towards the kitchen unit. He did know where the tea and the cups were by now but as he opened up a cabinet door, he stopped. There was a new bag of his favourite tea that had not been there before, he was sure. A smile crept onto his face at the though of Nick buying it for him.
With a mug of hot tea in his hands, he felt brave enough to go into what was going to be his room from now on. One hand on the handle, he thought about how he wouldn’t put up his pride flag on this door before opening it and almost dropping his tea. Charlie had expected the empty room he had seen before with just a few boxed laying around and big curtains that collected the dust but he was met with a proper bedroom.

The bed he had ordered was set up against a wall, a small nightstand next to it and on top it there was the Himalayan salt lamp he had missed earlier. There was a desk and a cosy looking yellow armchair beneath the window, a dark rug covered a good part of the floor. The walls were still empty except for a single picture frame that didn’t have a photo inside but, as Charlie noticed as he stepped closer, a puzzle that showed some superheroes.
Charlie carefully set down his mug on the desk, went over the bed and traced over the white sheets that felt incredibly comfy. Was it muslin? He didn’t know they used that fabric for bed sheets. When did Nick set all of this up? And how did he manage to get the lamp from his room? A suspicion aroused in his mind when he thought of how Elle had sworn that he would “love his new place”, head nodding eagerly.

The sound of keys inside a lock made Charlie get up from where he had sat down on the bed. “Charlie?” That was Nicks voice and it made Charlies heart stutter before beating twice as fast. He ran out of the bedroom and towards Nick whose hair was sticking to his forehead, rainwater dripping from his jacket, the tip of his ears looking cold and red.
Without hesitation, Charlie wrapped his arms around the man in front of him, who tenderly petted him on the back in order not to get his back too wet. When the shorter man pulled away, there was a big wet stain on the front of his jumper. “Hi,” Nick chuckled and could finally get out of his jacket.
“You set up my room.”
Nick glanced at him over his shoulder as he put his jacket on a hanger and put off his shoes. “Was that alright with you?” he asked as he walked back to him. “I asked Elle and Tao for a little help, they got me your lamp. I wasn’t sure if you’d like a yellow armchair but I quite liked it and thought, if you didn’t we could still …” Charlie pressed his lips on Nicks mouth. Not because he wanted to interrupt him but because the need to kiss the other man had become unbearable. “Thank you,” he whispered against his lips after the kiss, still on the tip of his toes.

“I wanted you to feel at home,” Nick said and shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal when really, it was one of the purest declaration of love one could make.
“I do,” Charlie replied and it was the truth. He could feel it right inside his rib cage, the anxious beating of his heart had turned into a steady drum, one that sounded just like when he rested his head on Nicks chest. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. I’m home, I’m home, I’m home, I’m home.

‘… but that’s what you do, you bring me closer to you, you bring me home’

Notes:

home :')

songs mentioned:
Lauren Aquilina - Way Too Good
CJ Starnes - Vulnerable
Brandon Chandler - You Bring Me Home

Chapter 28

Notes:

this one is short and sickeninly cute, please enjoy

It surprised him, how easy it was to forget, that they had only lived together for a couple days now. Nick was currently in the bathroom, brushing his hair, and the sight of another toothbrush set up in a small cup next to the sink was so normal and right. It was normal to put enough water in the kettle for two cups of tea, it was normal to see some black converse next to the main door, it was normal to hear the sound of a piano coming from Charlies room, it was normal that this was Charlies room now.
He knew it was a bit different for Charlie. The younger man apologised when he left something lying around and it took him two tried to find the right cupboard to get a bowl for breakfast. But he walked around the apartment with more confidence every day. One thing he did very confidently was not using his own bed at night, not that Nick was complaining.

He walked back into the living room where Charlie sat on the couch, completely focused on the notebook on his lap, his fingers tapping on the cushion, a low hum coming from his mouth. Nick tried not to disturb him. Charlie had complained about how he had to catch up on some lectures last night, right before deciding that making out with Nick was actually more important. Had Nick been a better person, he would have stopped him and told him to go study but who could blame him for giving in to those lips? He hadn’t noticed that he was staring but Charlie had and was now looking at him. His hair was a mess from running his hands through it, probably in frustration because something wasn’t going the way he wanted it to.
“Are you still stuck on that song?”
Nick knew Charlie was still working on the musical but also on some songs for another class and only yesterday, he had heard an annoyed groan from Charlies room before the other man had emerged from it and told him that college sucked. He had offered him tea but Charlie had said this situation needed something stronger before rummaging through the drawer stuffed with snacks (he always found that one on the first try) and poutingly eating some jaffa cakes.

“If I play the melody one more time, I’m going crazy. I thought I could just work on the lyrics without the piano but it’s just as bad.”
Back in school, people had sometimes said Nick looked like a puppy but that description fit Charlie way better, at least right now. Nick made his way over to the couch and sat next to him, tried to take a look at the words Charlie had written but the other man quickly turned the page so he couldn’t read anything.
Nick laughed and asked, “Is it that bad?” Charlies face turned a lovely shade of pink. “Maybe,” was all he murmured.

“You could sing it to me and I’ll tell you if it’s really bad,” Nick suggested, “I’ll be objective, I promise.”
“I am not going to sing to you.”
“Why not? I’ve heard you sing at the karaoke bar.”
“Yeah but that was for fun. This is …” Charlie trailed off and started to pick at his pants. “This is more personal.” The words were like being stung by a needle – it didn’t really hurt but it was still unpleasant.

 

“You don’t have to, Char.” Nick saw the way Charlies face softened at the use of the old nickname. Then the other man stood up, said “wait a second” and went to his room.
Shortly after, he came back into the living room, carrying the keyboard, the cord dragging behind him over the floor. He plugged it in at the nearest outlet and had to set it up on the ground, sitting in front of it. Charlie didn’t look up at him as he browsed through his notebook, looking for the right page. “I haven’t written a lot of songs recently except the ones for the musical. But those are mostly lyrics from the actual play, not my own words.”
“Why don’t you use one of your older songs?” Nick asked.
“Because most of them … are sad.”
Nick watched him carefully. The man that was sitting on the floor had a determined look on his face and Nick had a feeling that at least some of those sad songs were about him. When Charlie finally found the right page, he looked Nick straight in the eyes. “I’m not sad any more.” He held eye contact for another second then he set his fingers on the keys. “But whenever I try to write something now it turns out incredibly soppy. Like this.” A first note filled the air and when Charlie opened his mouth again, Nick thought he would say something else but instead he started singing.

You said, “Keep your chin up”
In my heart you can hide
‘Cause it’s always been us
You and I, you and I

So yes, Nick had heard Charlie sing before at the karaoke bar but listening to him now was a different kind of magic. Because these weren’t the words of someone else, these were words written by himself, thought up behind those beautiful eyes. Nick felt the hair on his arms straightening up as the second “you and I” left Charlies mouth.

Found a home in you in this hotel room
So lay down in the dark, close my eyes
Found a home in you with the lights down low

Images of the night after the New Year’s Eve party flooded Nicks head. The way they had sat on the hotel bed, first across then next to each other. They had looked something up on their phones, laughing but so tired. The memory of Charlie resting his head on Nicks shoulder, the whispered “or I could stay” and the warmth of their bodies under the shared blanket, he could see it so clearly before him.

Easy love
I can feel your heart like it’s almost mine
You and I
We’ve built our home in my headspace, I
Think of you all the time
You’re in my headspace, I

Nick wanted nothing more than to drop to the ground from the sofa, on to his knees, crawl over to Charlie and kiss him senseless. Okay, there was one thing he wanted more – to sit as still as possible and listen to him, to Charlie, to his boyfriend forever and ever and ever.

I’d rather be with you
In the darkest place
Than anywhere else starting
You’re the safest of spaces

Negative comments flickered through Nicks minds, comments about him and Charlie, and how he was so worried about him and the way he had looked right before their first kiss in the snow. That feeling of something unknown spiked with a sense of familiarity and safeness.

Found a home with you in this hotel room
So lay down in the dark, close my eyes
Found a home in you with the lights down low

Charlies voice had gotten stronger with every line, he sounded like he was certain of every single word and Nick didn’t dare to move, almost didn’t breathe as not to break this moment.

Easy love
I can feel your heart like it’s almost mine
You and I
We’ve built our home in my headspace, I
Think of you all the time
You keep me occupied
I think of you all the time
In my headspace, I

Their bodies pressed together, chest to chest. Lips soft and touch rough. Eyes gazing into one another. Never wanting to assume but wanting to know so bad, thinking this into existence, into something real, oh, Nick knew what Charlie was singing about, he had felt just the same but without being able to word it this way.

Easy love
I can feel your heart like it’s almost mine
You and I
Oh, we’ve built our home in my headspace, I
Think of you all the time
You keep me occupied
I think of you all the time
In my headspace, I

The last note was still swinging in the air as Charlies eyes finally met Nicks. He wanted to say something but all the words he could think of with seemed shallow in comparison to what Charlie had just gifted him with. Three simple words were caught in his throat and he wasn’t able to get them out.
“I wanted to turn in something that isn’t a love song but it’s all I can come up with.” The younger man looked helpless, like he had to be sorry for being this wonderful, this poetic, this freaking perfect and Nick couldn’t hold it any longer. The three words spilled out of his mouth, fell to the ground and now there were both staring at them, trying to comprehend the meaning of I and love and you.

Nicks “I’m sorry” rushed out at the same time as Charlies “I love you too”.
Charlies “why are you sorry?” followed just as swiftly as Nicks “I love you too” and almost in perfect unison they asked “why are we like this?” and broke into laughter. Now Nick slid from the couch to the ground, Charlie pushed the piano out of the way and they met into a fumbling kiss.
“Gosh, we’re so awkward,” Charlie half laughed and half whispered, mouth close to his face and Nick could only agree. “Let’s try this again,” he said and pulled Charlie into another kiss that turned out a lot nicer than the one before. At least until Charlie pulled away and held his face between his hands. “Say it again,” he said quietly.

“I love you.”
“Again.”
“I love you.”
“Again.”

‘… easy love, I can feel your heart like it’s almost mine’

Notes:

again :')

song mentioned:
Grace Grundy - Headspace

Chapter 29

Notes:

so it begins ...

So, maybe Charlie had made a mistake. He actually was pretty sure that he had as he sat in the back of the car, frantically drumming his fingers on his leg, biting down on his lip and wishing they would drive faster.
After saying I love you to Nick, he had practically walked around on pink clouds. The dimples on his face were permanently on display as he was always smiling because life was good, everything was so good right now. He had even posted a few Instagram stories, pictures of his reusable coffee cup and his study notes, nothing special but people still seemed interested if his notifications were an indicator for that. That’s what a good boyfriend would do, right? Seeming like he studied a lot, cared for the environment and the fans in his comment section. It was still overwhelming but if it helped Nicks career in any way, Charlie was fine with it.

Then there had been the call from Nicks PR team. He hadn’t talked to Alice, sadly, but to the other woman who was always a lot harsher. She had told him about a fashion show from an upcoming queer designer and sure, Charlie would attend it, no problem, maybe it would be fun, right? And yes, maybe the woman hat mentioned how Nick would benefit from it even if Charlie couldn’t think of how. He had only realised that he would have to go alone when he had told Nick who said that he would not be in town that day.
But Charlie was fine, he would still do it, he only had to sit there and look at pretty people on a runway, it couldn’t be that bad. The voice of the PR woman had shrilled in his ears. He had to be, wanted to be a good boyfriend.
Remi had sent him an outfit which he should wear to the fashion show and while Charlie had felt a bit too exposed in the sheer material of the top, he hadn’t said anything.
He had only looked up the designer and decided that actually, the clothes he had to wear were more on the tame side compared to some other looks. He had watched an interview in which the designer had talked about the struggle with his sexual identity, about the bullies at his school and Charlie had felt for him. Suddenly he had felt like he wanted to sit front row and applaud the designer for the way he had endured it all and was now living his dream.
That was probably how Charlie had missed that the fashion show was on the same day as the event at the LGBT centre he had promised Elle to attend.

Charlie hated to disappoint people even if they were strangers but it was a hundred times worse when he disappointed his friends. He couldn’t not go to the fashion show, though, he had to go, wanted to go, absolutely did not want to tell the PR team that he wouldn’t make it. He did this for Nick, right? For Nick and for their relationship and maybe the show would not be that long, he could leave right after and drive to the centre, help his friend and everyone would be happy. So he told Elle that he would show up a little later, only a little, promise.
He hadn’t been to a fashion show before and while he had seen pictures and videos of them before, actually being there with tons of beautifully dressed people had been intimidating. Charlie had wished that Nick was with him, he had held on to his glass of champagne, fingers itching to pull out his phone in order to avoid any eye contact to strangers. When he had seen Remi, he had let out the biggest sigh of relief because finally there was someone he knew.
They hadn’t sitting in the front row, they weren’t that important which Charlie had been thankful for, but he had still been asked for some photos and Remi had thrown him some wild gestures from behind the camera, telling him to smile and not look so scared.

Some influencer had even recognised him and Charlie could only hope that he didn’t looks as uncomfortable as he felt in the picture he had agreed to take. Apparently looking at weirdly dressed models on the runway was only half of an event like this, the other half of the time was spent talking to each and every person – or standing around in an awkward way. At one point Charlie had asked Remi when would be the soonest possible time to leave without looking rude and then he had counted the minutes.

Now he was on his way to the rainbow centre, terribly late, terribly sorry and terribly overdressed. Tao had tried to call him multiple times but wasn’t responding to his texts and Elle had probably left her phone on airplane mode but Charlies messages wouldn’t go through. When the car stopped in front of the red building, he hopped out and jogged over to the entrance. All the different pride flags framed the big double door which just opened as Charlie arrived, a group of laughing people left the building and he slipped in.
He could hear the sound of tabled being moved across the floor, dished being stacked and someone was calling for help with a garland. Charlie made his way to a big room where he saw Elle walking around with a big trash bag, picking up confetti and napkins. “Elle,” he called out and walked over to her. “Elle, I am so sorry, I couldn’t make -” The look on her face dried out the rest of the sentence. She was exhausted, he could tell, and looked like she really didn’t want to hear his excuses.

“Did you have fun then?” she asked, only raising one eyebrow like he had never managed to do. Charlie had not expected that question. “Uhm, it was fine.” The way his voice rose at the end made it sound like he was asking a question as well.
“Thought so from the photos,” Elle said and turned away to pick up another piece of paper.
“The photos?” he asked, confused. He hadn’t sent any photos to the group chat.
Elle turned towards him again before answering. “Yes, Charlie, the photos you shared on your story.” He must have still looked confused because with a sigh, Elle pulled out her phone from her skinny jeans and showed him his own Instagram story. There was a repost of the pictures the influencer had posted of them and some of the pictures taken by the official photographers of the event. Someone from the PR team must have shared them.

“That wasn’t me! I didn’t post those,” he tried to defend himself but knew that these pictures being shared online wasn’t the actual reason Elle was hurt. He had promised her to attend the event today, to support her but he had fucked it up when he had tried to do everything.
“Let me help tidying up, just tell me what to do,” Charlie pleaded.
“It’s fine, Charlie. We’re almost done anyway.” That was the worst part – how she didn’t get angry at him or blamed him. Instead she looked disappointed and a little hurt that he had stood her up for a stupid fashion show.

“Hey Elle, do you need another – oh, hi Charlie.”
Charlie turned around to see Tao standing behind him, a roll of trash bags in his hands, beanie sitting kinda wonky on his head. “I’m sorry,” Charlie said again, he felt like he still had to say it a couple of times.
“Sucks that you were busy,” Tao said while shrugging his shoulders, throwing a quick glance to Elle as if to check if he was supposed to be mad at Charlie.

As Charlie got back to the apartment, he noticed just how worn out he was. Being at the fashion show had been tiring because he had kind of been on edge all the time and now he was alone because Nick would only get back tomorrow and suddenly he did not feel at home at all. He changed into a casual shirt and sweatpants, took a look at his own bed with its neat sheets before hurrying to Nicks bedroom. The bed was still unmade from where they had gotten up in the morning, when he had still thought the day would turn out great because he would manage to fit everything into his timetable.
He grabbed the yellow jumper that was lying on the ottoman at the foot of the bed, it smelled of Nick as he pulled it over his head and it made him miss him. Charlie climbed into bed and stared at the good night text from Nick on his phone until his eyes got too heavy and he fell asleep.

‘… you don’t owe me anything, don’t hear me out, I’ll just sing, if you don’t want to know, I’ll understand but just know’

 

-

 

He tried walking through the flat as quietly as possible. The door to Charlies bedroom was closed, maybe he had decided to sleep in his own room for once? What a bummer. Nick made his way to his bedroom, opened the door and the light from the living room was enough to show someone huddled in a blanket on the bed. He stood there for a whole minute, trying to figure out the tingly feeling inside his chest at the view of Charlie, his boyfriend, sleeping in his bed, just waiting for him to lay down beside him.

He hurried to get ready for bed, still trying to do so quietly as not to wake the other man. When he stood barefoot next to the bed, he took a second to admire Charlie in the bit of light that came through the window from a city that barely ever slept. The dark hair looked absolutely wild, it had grown out quite a bit since December, and there was a slight crease to his brow like he was thinking or dreaming about something complicated. His lips looked soft, mouth opened just by a smidge, breath going slow and steady. Since he had curled himself up in the blanket so tightly, Nick wasn’t sure how to get under the blanket without waking him. He tried though and failed because Charlie woke up, looking startled. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you but you were hogging the blanket,” Nick said and smiled even though Charlie probably couldn’t see it since his face was in the shadow. Charlie huffed out a big breath and an “I missed you” that sounded quite desperate.

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked as he climbed into bed, almost immediately he was wrapped up in Charlies arms. The younger man answered him but his voice was too muffled from his face being shoved into Nicks chest. Nick put his arms around Charlie, one hand caressed his neck like he knew Charlie liked it. He leaned into his touch like a cat. “You’ll have to repeat that.”
Charlie let out a sigh and tilted his head back to look at him. “I’m a bad friend.”
“What, why? Did you insult one of Taos favourite weird movies?”
That managed to coax a small laugh out of the younger man. “No,” he said, sounding serious again, “but I’ll make up for it. I’ll be a better friend.” The last word got lost in a yawn.
“You’re a great friend,” Nick assured him. “And a great boyfriend.”
Charlie blinked at him and Nick chuckled softly at the sight of such a tired looking man. “A sleepy boyfriend,” he added and placed a kiss on his nose.
“The sleepiest,” Charlie agreed and puckered up his lips until Nick gave him a real kiss.

When he woke up, he found himself alone in bed but could hear some quiet music coming from outside the room. It wasn’t the first morning with Charlie but the first one to find the younger man flipping pancakes in the kitchen. He was humming along to the music, wearing boxers, one of Nicks sweaters and fluffy socks. Nick had to smile so hard, he felt like his skin would break any moment.
Charlie noticed him as he turned to the kitchen island, to put an almost perfectly round pancake on a plate. “Breakfast is ready in ten minutes. And I prepared one of those protein shakes with the weird green stuff in it.”
Nick had experienced cute aggression before, mostly when he had looked at Nellie and Henry, and right in this moment, he couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t hug and kiss his boyfriend to death. Domestic was the best word to describe the feeling sitting warm and purring in Nicks chest during breakfast. When Charlie told him he wanted to go to his favourite music store to finally get a stand for his piano, it felt normal to tag along. Just two guys going shopping.

Nick had never been to this store before. He had never played an instrument expect for three painful guitar lessons in which he had only learned that he would never pursue a career in music. Charlie walked into the store with a confidence that showed he had been here many times. He greeted the woman at the cash register by name and led Nick towards a section in the store with loads of keyboards and grand pianos. While Charlie looked for the right stand, Nick strolled through the store and made big eyes at the price tag of the grand pianos. He hadn’t known just how much money one could spend on an instrument.
“If I ever win the lottery, this is the first thing I will buy.” Charlie had appeared at his side and looked at the piano in front of them, shimmering brown wood and a brand name in golden letters on the side.

“Hey Charlie!” They turned around to see a young man waving at them.
“Hey Aled,” Charlie called back and the man – Aled – walked towards them.
“Last week someone almost bought this beauty. I was kinda glad they didn’t, I wouldn’t know how to bear the news to you.” The man laughed and Charlie pretended to look shocked. Nick raised his lips into a smile to not feel so left out.
“I hope you would have called me so I could say a last goodbye,” Charlie joked.
“Probably not. You would have tied yourself to it and somehow cancel the purchase, I know it.”
“Who says I didn’t? They didn’t buy it, did they?”
Aled gave Charlie a slight punch on the shoulder and the two men laughed while Nick felt a bit lost next to them. A feminine voice called Aleds name and the man briefly rolled his eyes before taking a step back.
“Play your boyfriend a song, Charlie,” he said before throwing a smile in Nicks direction and turning around to walk over to the woman who had called him. That last sentence made Nick feel a bit more at ease. What a weird feeling that had been before. He wasn’t the jealous type but something about the fact that this guy knew about Charlies big wish for this piano had gnawed at him.

Luckily, Charlie didn’t notice any of that, he just clapped his hands in excitement and sat down at the grand piano. He wiggled his fingers in the air before setting them down on to the keys.
Nick recognised the melody right away, it was the song Charlie had sung to him at his apartment. The one about falling in love in a hotel room and thinking about him all the time.
Why had he been kind-of-jealous again?

They had to separate afterwards because Nick had a team meeting but his mind always went back to the look on Charlies face when he had sat at the grand piano.
The joy, the dimples, the steady smile on his lips.
‘SOS Tara I need your help’
‘what’s up Nicholas?’
‘don’t call me that’
‘what’s up dumb head?’
‘never mind I’ll text another friend’
‘NICK’
‘right. would it be a bad idea to buy Charlie a grand piano for his birthday?’
‘wait – it’s his birthday?!’
‘no, it’s in April’
‘thank goodness, thought I had missed something. doesn’t a piano cost like … a couple hundred bucks?’
‘make that a couple thousand’
‘well, that’s a no then’
‘but he wants it so bad’
‘Nick, remember how we’ve made a rule not to give me or Darcy any expensive presents because we would feel guilty for never being able to return the favour?’
‘that’s different. he’s my boyfriend, I’m allowed to spoil him’
‘not with a fucking grand piano!’
‘I can afford it, it’s no big deal’
‘oooh the rich boy is talking’
‘…’
‘I know you want to give him the world but you can do that without spending that much money. or getting into sold out concerts. just do something normal. you know, like you did before you got all rich and famous’
‘fine … thanks for being the reasonable one’
‘always hun xx’

“Oi, Nick! Are you even listening?”
Nick nearly dropped his phone but managed to catch it at the last moment and look suitably guilty. “Sorry, Sir.”
Sai looked at him with raised eyebrows while their manager continued to talk about the new sponsors the team had gathered for the upcoming season. The first game wasn’t that far ahead and Nick went all tingly when he imagined Charlie cheering at him from the stands.

‘… some say, she’s such a fake, that her love is made up, no, no, no, no’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Tonight Alive - You Don't Owe Me Anything
One Direction - Girl Almighty

Chapter 30

Notes:

welcome back! take a seat and enjoy this chapter while anxiously waiting for the angst to creep into his story
muhahaha

Isaac was a good friend. Yes, sometimes he was late because he missed his stop because he was too engaged in the book in front of his nose but any true book lover had been through that. But he was a good friend and had become surprisingly close to Simon, the transfer student, who shared the same passion for singing.
Between reading, studying, spending time with his friends, trying to learn some snippets of Swedish and working on the musical (Isaac did not get the main part but he was the understudy), the third month of the year was over before Isaac had bothered to change the calendar sheet of the Van Gogh calendar above his desk.

Currently, he was over at Simons flat. The first time he had been over, Isaac had wondered how Simon could afford such a nice space but since the other man had clearly tried to avoid answering that question, Isaac didn’t pry and just enjoyed sitting on this incredibly comfortable sofa.
“I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again. Mine ear is much enamoured of thy note; so is mine eye enthralled to thy shape.” Simon looked up from his copy of the play. “I should tell my boyfriend to step up his game and quote Shakespeare at me.” He laughed for a second before flushing and rapidly flipping through the pages. That was another topic Simon was very vague about. Isaac knew that he had a boyfriend but he never told him anything about him other than his name. He didn’t pry on that either, he just listened and assumed Simon would talk about it when he was ready.

The ring of a bell made Simon get up from the sofa and open the door to a panting, red-faced Charlie. “I’m sorry,” he gasped and let his backpack fall to the ground before undoing his scarf. “I had to make a phone call to the PR team because of -”
Simon interrupted him and gave Isaac a pointed look. “The upcoming season, we know.”
It had become a habit of Charlie to turn up late because there were always calls to take, events to attend or someone stopping him for a picture. With rugby season getting closer, Charlies calendar had become tightly packed. “I see their knavery,” Isaac simply said and when Charlie replied with “This is to make an ass of me” they all laughed and it didn’t matter any more that they had to wait for him.

They helped Isaac rehearsing his lines before eventually leaving the flat to meet up with some other students from their course. They wanted to start working on the backgrounds for the musical and soon, everyone was half covered in paint and quotes of the play were thrown around, someone would break into song every other minute and Isaac felt like he was at the exact right place. He just dipped his brush into the bucket of brown paint again when Charlie kneeled down next to him. He gave him a smile, brows furrowed just a bit because while Charlie was grinning, he looked a bit exhausted.
“Allison said, I used the wrong shade of brown,” his friend said and threw an annoyed look towards the other side of the room. “As if anyone will be able to spot the difference with the lightning on stage.”
“You spend your passion on a mispris’d mood.”
“Did you learn the entire play by heart or what?” Charlie laughed before he then groaned. “I am so behind schedule.”
“No luck with Mr. Thompson?” Isaac knew that Charlie had to submit a small collection of songs in one class but his professor was telling him that his work was lacking.

Charlie shook his head and shifted into a cross-legged position, he nearly tipped over the bucket of paint but Isaac caught it just in time. “I want to turn in something with a bigger message, not just another love song. Do you know the song Not All Men by Morgen St. Jean? Something like that, something important. But all I seem to write about is …” He went quiet at that and Isaac only teased him a little.
“All you seem to write about is a certain rugby player?”
“Oh, shut up.” Charlie tried to give him an angry look but failed because Isaac was absolutely right.
“You want to write about something important and he is important to you, I don’t see the problem,” Isaac said and carefully pushed away the enormous sheet of painted paper that would later be wrapped around a frame of wire to resemble a tree.
He watched his friend wring his fingers before replying. “In my songs I’m vulnerable. And I can’t be vulnerable and be a good public boyfriend to Nick.”

Isaac wanted to say something in return but just as he opened his mouth, Charlies smartphone went off and he hurried to take the call while giving him an apologetic smile.
He watched as Charlie left the room, phone pressed to his ear, while the people around him started singing the title song of their musical.
‘… I follow thee, I follow thee; and make a heaven of hell’

 

-

 

Sitting pressed together with his friends on the slightly torn up couch in Elles flat, a big bowl of popcorn being passed back and forth between them, Tao acting like he doesn’t enjoy the movie they’ve picked (“10 Things I Hate About You does not count as a classic!” - “It does in the world of normal people.”). Gosh, Charlie missed this.
It took nearly twenty minutes before his shoulders completely relaxed and he stopped looking at his phone, before he didn’t twist the charm of his necklace between his fingers any more and his mind slowed down. He really needed this.

Charlies had lived life on the fast lane for weeks and still felt like the race was only about to begin. The calendar app on his phone had not been used this often in years but there was just so much to do. With the rugby season just around the corner, the woman from PR had made it clear how important it was to keep up the good press. Alice had never been so strict and Charlie still wished he could talk to her again but he had to deal with the older woman with her constantly narrowed brows instead.
Yes, it was exhausting but every night when Charlie fell asleep in the safe and warm embrace of Nicks arms, it didn’t seem like too much to ask of him. And he was here now, wasn’t he? Currently debating if the movie could be seen as an adaption of Shakespeares’ play The Taming of the Shrew.
“The parallels are obvious, the names of the characters, the story about the older sister having to find a date first, of course it’s an adaption!”
“It is based on the play but that doesn’t count as a real movie adaption.”
“I didn’t even know the film had any connection to Shakespeare at all.”
“Because all you know about the film is that Heath Ledger is fit as hell.”

Charlies phone made a barking sound and his three friends stared at it in confusion. “Why is it making that sound, Charles?” Elle asked.
“I get so many notifications,” Charlie grabbed the phone and unlocked it, “so I set this alarm for texts from Nick.” Two of his friends made an aww sound, one made a sound like they wanted to vomit. (No names would be dropped.)
am home now, can’t wait to see you!
He smiled at the message as the three dancing dots appeared beneath.
that doesn’t mean you have to get home soon, have fun with the lot! xx

Somehow home had become a synonym for Nicks apartment. Charlie didn’t feel about leaving his stuff around the flat any more, he found his way around the kitchen even in the dark by now and made use of Nicks closet without shame. And he had recently started a puzzle that was now waiting for him rolled up in a puzzle mat because apparently those were a thing. He wasn’t so sure about the calming effect Nick had promised him, maybe he should have listened and not try a puzzle of an artwork by Vladimir Kush for the beginning.
“How long will this honeymoon phase go on? Because I am genuinely happy for you but it’s also making me sick.” Tao looked at him expectantly but it was Isaac who answered him.
“You’re one to talk, we’ve had to watch you gush over Elle for literal years now.”
“Excuse me,” Elle barged in, “am I not worth being gushed over forever?”
“Of course you are, sweetheart.” Isaac reached over Charlies lap to pat her knee.

“Well, he’ll be away quite some time once the season starts.” Charlie glanced down at his feet, he wasn’t looking forward to that at all. Yes, he felt comfortable in the apartment even on his own but until now Nick had always gotten home in the evening. Home. Would it still feel like that with him gone? Tao gave Charlie a sympathetic look. “It’s gonna be fine. You’re older now, you’ll make it work.” For a second, Charlie was confused. What did having older have anything to do – oh. He hadn’t even thought of it in that way. How the distance when Nick had first moved to London had lead to them drifting further and further apart until it broke them.
His friends had noticed how the thought had set in and Elle shoved her elbow into her boyfriends side. “Ouch!”
“Don’t listen to him, Charlie,” Elle said and ignored Tao completely. “It’s nothing like back then. You’re going to see him way more often and you’re in a much better state mentally. And if you feel lonely, you can always come over to us or to Isaac.” Isaac nodded his head eagerly.
Charlie really liked his friends.

When he opened the door to the apartment (home, he thought to himself), Charlie could hear the sound of the TV. As soon as his boyfriend noticed his presence, he turned the device off and instead put on the biggest smile.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
Nick was hugging him before Charlie had even taken off his shoes. His hair was still damp from the shower he had taken after practice and he hummed happily as Charlie stroked him at the back of his neck. “I missed you,” Charlie said with his face tucked into the crook of Nicks neck, lips almost touching the warm skin.
A laugh trembled through Nicks body and he pressed a kiss to Charlies temple. “We’ve seen each other just a few hours ago.” Charlie knew that, what he had meant was that he was going to miss him, already was even though they were both standing here, wrapped around each other in the most comfortable hug like only Nick could give him.
“I missed you too,” the older man whispered in his ear, sending a wave of goose-bumps over Charlies skin.

“What movie did you guys watch?” asked Nick as they sat on the sofa, his hand playing with Charlies curls like he always did when they were sitting like this. Charlie told him the name of the film and when Nicks fingers stopped twirling his locks, he lifted his head from where it had rested on the older mans shoulder.
“Is that the one with Heath Ledger? Where he sings that song on the bleachers?”
“Yup,” Charlie answered and had to stifle a laugh at Nick who was apparently trying to think of the song and had his face pulled into a weird grimace. “What song was he singing again, I can’t remember.”
Charlie jumped off the sofa and skipped over to the piano which had found its way from his bedroom to the living room because Nick liked hearing him play and because Nick was the one person he showed even the songs that were unfinished or bad (in Charlies opinion). He threw a quick glance at his boyfriend before his fingers found the right keys. Sitting barefoot at his old piano, two brown eyes admiring his every move as words flowed out of his mouth, everything felt right, everything felt like home.

‘… you’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you’

Notes:

you really should listen to Not All Men, it's a banger

songs mentioned:
Were The World Mine from the movie Were The World Mine
Frankie Valli - Can't Take My Eyes Off You

Chapter 31

Notes:

here's what I want you to do: read the first part up until the song lyrics, then listen to "If you love her" by Forest Blakk and cry from ~ the feels ~ and then go on and read the rest (maybe cry some more after that, that's up to you)

The first game of the season was just a few weeks away and Nick couldn’t wait to get back on the field. Couldn’t wait to hear the crowd cheering, to feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins, to get to that space where he and his team mates communicate purely by looks. They met up for practice nearly every day now, their trainer pushed them harder than ever and Nick pushed himself that tiny bit further because this will be his first season as an openly bisexual rugby player and while he wished it wouldn’t matter, he knew that it did.

He was going to be held accountable for every missed throw, every tackle that failed to bring their opponents to the ground and some people were going to somehow link it to his sexuality. So yeah, the pressure was on for sure.

Besides training at the gym and strategy lessons, Nick also had to do the obligatory team photos. Today was different though because one of the new sponsors requested him specifically for an advertising campaign and now he sat in front of a mirror while a silver-haired man (the colour didn’t come from age but from a box of hair dye, Nick was sure) put powder on his face.
Nick had stood in front of the camera for a range of different products. Sports wear, jeans that sat dangerously low on his hips, deodorant, running shoes and today he was promoting shampoo. He had briefly wondered why the people around him had made such a fuss about his cuticles until someone had told him that he’d have to comb through his hair a lot for the pictures.

 

It was going well after he lost his initial insecurity in front of the camera that always took a hold of him for the first couple minutes. The camera clicked, powder was applied again and again between takes and Nick felt like he had touched his head from every angle possible.
“Great, it’s a wrap on the solo pictures!” the director called and two people hurried to make Nicks hair look all fresh and soft and voluminous again. “Is Adam ready?”
Nick wanted to ask who Adam was but just as he opened his mouth, a guy his age appeared. His hair looked just like Charlies, maybe a little shinier, and his eyes were more emerald than blue but the sweater he was wearing looked like it could totally be stolen from Charlies dresser.
“Hi, I’m Adam,” the guy said and held out his hand for Nick to shake. Nick did, still a tad confused because what was that man doing here?

The director walked towards them, hands clasped together in front of him. “Well, Nick, we need some photos of Adam combing through your hair. He’s our Charlie for today.” The man looked like he had just uttered the most genius idea like calling the male model our Charlie was oh so clever. The confusion in Nicks mind was making place for a different feeling, something acidly that left him speechless for a few seconds. He remembered that at first the appointment in his calendar had been marked orange which meant it was something that involved both him and Charlie but then it had been changed to green which stood for an appointment for him alone. Nick hadn’t given it a second thought, it was a photo shooting for an ad, someone on the PR team had probably just clicked on the wrong colour, of course Charlie didn’t have to be here.
But now it dawned on him that the sponsor might have asked for both of them to be here and then decided to swap Charlie for this Adam guy. But why? Because Charlie wasn’t a professional model? Well, Nick wasn’t either. Or maybe they thought that Charlie didn’t look the part?

Obviously Adam was attractive, he was a model after all. And he did remind Nick of Charlie a bit just that his nose was a bit smaller, his ears didn’t stick out as much, body a bit more muscular, skin perfectly clear.
“Just pretend that it’s your boyfriend and we’ll have some awesome photos!” The director sounded enthusiastic which was the complete opposite of what Nick was currently feeling.
When Charlies Instagram account had been made public, Nick had looked at the comments, always worried people would write something to hurt Charlie. In the end those comments only hurt himself while Charlie was wise enough not to read everything people had to say. There had been praise, there had been love and there had been people being nasty and rude, calling Charlie a gold digger and not good enough, not hot enough for Nick. The words had made Nicks blood boil, Sai had pried his phone from his hands before he could write an angry answer.

This right here was like reading those comments.

 

“I’m not doing that.” He heard his own voice before his brain had actively made the decision, his gut must have been faster.

“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’m not posing for pictures with someone who’s supposed to resemble my boyfriend.”

“Oh Nick, don’t be like that.”
But Nick was exactly like that. He clenched his hands into fists while Adam looked rather uncomfortable. “Were you going to invite Charlie to do those photos with me in the beginning?” He just had to know.

The look on the directors face confirmed his speculation but he need to hear it. “Yes but look, Adam just fits better into the vision we have for our product.”

“Then I’m deeply sorry for you Adam,” Nick said with a nod towards the curly haired man, “because personally, I don’t want anything to do with any of your fucking products.”

 

Otis didn’t say a word as Nick opened the door to the car with way more force than necessary. He didn’t flinch when Nick declined call after call he got from his management and just started the car to drive him home. Otis was a good man.

 

Nick practically stormed into the apartment, much to the surprise of Charlie who was shimmying through the living room to some music, a tub of ice cream in one hand, a spoon on the way to his open mouth in the other.
He stopped in his tracks. “I thought you weren’t going to be back until …”
Nick drowned out the end of Charlies sentence by grabbing his face and planting a firm kiss on his lips. He could taste the cold sugary ice cream on his boyfriends lips. He then let go of him and snatched the spoon from his hands to lick up the ice cream.
“Hey, get your own spoon and don’t use kisses to steal my ice cream!” Charlie pulled his lips into the most adorable pout. His hair looked kinda frizzy, there was a small red pimple on his round nose and his ears poked through is curls. He was the most beautiful person Nick could imagine.
“I love you, Char,” he said with a sudden earnestness that wiped the pout off of the younger mans face.
“I love you too.” He raised an eyebrow like he wanted to ask what was wrong but Nick wasn’t in the mood to tell him (like, ever). Instead, he wrapped his arms around the beautiful man in front of him and started swaying softly to the song that just started.
‘let your arms be a place he feels safe in, he’s the best thing that you’ll ever have’
Nick swallowed, the warm voice of the singer made him even more emotional. Charlie moved kinda weirdly in his arms.
“Are you trying to eat ice cream while I’m hugging you?”
“It’s gonna melt if I don’t!”

‘… on days when it feels like the whole world might cave in, stand side by side and you’ll make it, he’s the best thing that you’ll ever have, he’ll love you if you love him like that’

 

-

 

When Charlie woke up on his birthday, the first thing he noticed was the smell of cake sweeping in through the slightly opened bedroom door. He sat up with a smile on his face and then saw the yellow jumper that laid on Nicks pillow. His boyfriend must have put it there for Charlie to find so he slipped it on. This was one of the best things about being in a relationship – getting to wear Nicks sweaters who still smelled like him and wrapped around Charlie in an oversized hug.

 

He stepped out of the room and the smell of fresh cake intensified. But something was different.
The desk with Nicks computer was moved from the wall and now stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, leaving a large free space in the corner it had once occupied.
“Nick?” Charlie called and waited for a reply but it didn’t come.
He walked over to the kitchen island and there sat a small chocolate cake with perfect little dots of vanilla frosting on it and two candles in the shape of the numbers two and three.

 

The door opened with a bang, followed by an “oh shit!” and then Charlie could see Nick, whose fringe was stuck to his forehead with sweat. “Hi!” he exclaimed and then added, “You are not supposed to be here.”
“Kinda rude to say that on my birthday.” Charlie grinned but was also confused as two men carrying a large object wrapped in a black blanket into the flat. Nick stopped then and as he walked over to Charlie, he wiped his hair out of his face. He gave him a kiss, just a peck ‘cause the two men watched them while still holding up whatever it was they were carrying.

“Hi, love,” Nick said and yes, Charlie melted a little. Being called love by your boyfriend? That was the good shit. “I’m sorry but you have to go back to the bedroom and stay there until I call you, okay?”

“Uhm, okay,” Charlie said and made his way back to the room he had just come from. None of this made any sense.

 

When Nick finally called his name, Charlie had played his was to level fifty-one of some mobile game where you had to sort colours in what looked like test tubes from a lab. He opened to door to the living room and stopped in his tracks because yeah, he now knew why the desk had been moved away but his brain still couldn’t grasp it.

What he saw was brown polished wood, ivory and black coloured keys, a little stool made from the same wood with a dark red cushion. He felt the need to rub his eyes, maybe he was still dreaming but his head could never make up Nick Nelson bobbing on his toes, a nervous but oh so wide smile on his face.

“Nick,” he whispered and dared to come a little closer. “Nick, what the fuck?”

 

Nicks face fell and the room suddenly seemed a lot darker.
“No, wait,” Charlie nearly tripped over his words and his feet, trying to get to Nick. “This is … Nick, this is beautiful but this costs a fortune!”
“It didn’t,” Nick protested as Charlie reached him and took his hands. His eyes wandered to the grand piano, this beautiful instrument, and his fingers tingled with the want to play something right now.

Charlie repeated Nicks name in a whisper, he couldn’t believe this man, what was he even thinking?

Nicks large hands cupped his face and forced Charlie to look at him. “I promise, it did not cost me a fortune. I knew you’d never let me buy it for you so I looked for a second-hand one. I mean, I didn’t at first but Tara talked me out of buying you the new one.” He dropped his hands and gestured towards the piano. “It belonged to a woman who only kept it because she didn’t know what to do with it after her husband died. There are some tiny crazes on the wood and it hadn’t been tuned for a long time but I got that covered. I didn’t know before that you had to tune a piano.”

The one thing that was better than your boyfriend buying you the grand piano of your dreams? Your boyfriend buying you a used piano because he knows that you would feel incredibly guilty if he spent that much money.

 

In the evening they had agreed to meet Charlies friends at a club in a secluded area. It was something straight out of a movie, they sat on something like a balcony and looked down onto the regular dance floor. They even had their own bar with a bartender that was just there to make them drinks. The PR team had suggested this location and while it wasn’t one Charlie would have picked on his own, he still enjoyed himself.

Spending time with his friends, talking, laughing and dancing, it would be fun and he felt like he had needed something like this. To go out and not have it be to get pictures taken or show up somewhere because “a good boyfriend to a sports star” would do it. At least that was how Charlie felt until none his friends showed up.
Then the muscular man who guarded the entrance to the secluded area stepped aside and Charlie felt relieved because surely that would be his friends but the guard let in a whole bunch of people instead. Before he knew it, Charlie was swarmed by Nicks team mates, their girlfriends and wives and some people he had never seen before.
He looked around for Nick, met his eyes and saw that the older guy seemed just as confused at he was.

 

“Happy birthday, Charlie!” one woman squealed into his ear as she pulled him into a hug. He remembered her, he had met her at the New Year’s Eve party.
“Thank you,” he said and grabbed her hand before she could back away. “Uhm, how did you know we were here?”

The woman gave him a funny look. “You invited us, didn’t you?” She laughed and ran her fingers through her long hair. “I did?”

She pulled her phone from a small purse and showed him an email on her screen.

‘For his twenty-third birthday Charlie would like to invite you to the P!nk Club’

Was this some kind of joke? Charlie hadn’t invited anybody apart from his friends.

 

The people (who were his guests, apparently) started to order drinks, sat down, laughed and talked and pulled Nick into conversation before Charlie could reach him. He looked at his own phone but didn’t get any signal. Where were his friends? And who had invited all these people? It wasn’t an actual question, Charlie had seen the well known mail address that had sent out the invitation.

He hadn’t complained, he had gone to a fashion show and missed Elles event, he had endured uncomfortable conversations and posed for photos, he had done all this because the PR team had constantly told him it would be good for Nicks career. But now they had taken it too far.

Crashing his own birthday party by inviting a bunch of practical strangers?

He felt his eyes getting watery but blinked the tears away because he would not lose it in front of these people. They weren’t even bad people, they wanted to talk to him, gave him genuine smiles and called out his name happily as he walked by to talk to Nick.

“Sorry, can I steal my boyfriend for a second?” he asked and grabbed Nicks arm to pull him away from whoever he had been speaking with.

 

“Nick, what is going on here?” he asked and desperately hoped that the older man hadn’t known about any of this.

“I have no idea, Char.” Nick sounded sincere which was a relief.

“Well, we can’t tell them to go home now, can we? Does your phone have any signal? Because I don’t know where Tao, Elle, Isaac or any of the friends I actually invited are.”

“Nope, I’ve been trying to text them, too, but the messages won’t go through. Maybe it’ll work downstairs?”

 

Charlie exited the secluded area and stepped down the stairs, he bumped into some party people on the first floor because his eyes were fixed to his phone. He started typing a message when suddenly the signal was back and a couple of texts rushed in.
‘be there in five!’
‘can’t wait to hug the birthday boy!!’

‘nearly there, you better have the champagne ready’

‘the doorman won’t let us in’

‘he says we’re not on the guest list??’

‘charlie????’

‘please come outside and tell that man we’re your actual friends’

‘CHARLIE!!!!’

‘what the heck charlie?’
‘why aren’t you answering??’

‘we’re leaving’

No, no, this couldn’t have happened! Charlie dialled Taos number, they only left twenty minutes ago, maybe they could come back. When Tao answered the phone, Charlie could barely hear him over the music and the noise at the club.

 

“Tao! I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened!” He had to raise his voice and press a hand to his one ear to understand anything his best friend said.
“Hey Charlie, are you having fun at your birthday party?” Taos voice had a weird ring to it, Charlie could hear that even over all the noise.
“What? No! Please come back!”
“You know, I’ve seen some people posting stories about having a little party with you. Sucks that we weren’t invited.”
He felt too hot, how did such a nice birthday end like this? “Tao, wait! That was a misunderstanding!”
“Have fun, Charlie. Hope you have a great night.”

 

Charlie wanted to leave. He wanted to go home, he wanted to talk to Tao again and explain the whole situation, he wanted to cry and be angry or no, he did want to cry on his birthday, he wanted to celebrate with his friends and his friends only!

Nick had offered him to go home and Charlie wanted nothing more to accept the offer but what would that look like? So he gritted his teeth and stayed. One hour (“Charlie, it’s okay, we can just go.”), two hours (“Are you sure? We can leave any time!”), three hours of people wanting to party, having fun, being nice to him. This shouldn’t feel so bad but it did.
He was finally ready to go home. This must have been enough, right? He didn’t want his behaviour to provide any room for attack directed at Nick. He was doing this for Nick, he was being a good boyfriend like the PR team had told him to be.

 

When they finally got home, neither Elle nor Tao picked up their phones. He tried ringing up Tara and Darcy, Isaac and Simon but they were probably all asleep already.
Charlie laid down next to Nick, promised that he was fine, he would talk it out with his friends the next day, but he couldn’t fall asleep.

When Nick was snoring softly beside him, he got out of bed and padded through the living room. A few left-over slices of cake were still sitting on the kitchen island. The wood of the piano shined in the light of the moon that seeped in through the large windows. Charlie let his hands wander across the keys without pressing down.

He walked into his bedroom, saw his tiny keyboard on top of the bed. When he plugged in his headphones as not to wake up Nick, he felt the tightness that had settled painfully in his stomach numb a little. Music was what he had always turned to, in good times and bad times. It made him feel safe from the world when he put on his headphones and only listened to the melody his fingers coaxed out of the keys. The tears that had been waiting behind his eyes finally rolled down his cheeks.

 

‘… now I’m crying alone, no one picks up their phone, so somebody save me, save me, save me, do all my friends hate me, hate me, hate me’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Forest Blakk - If You Love Her
Mckenna Grace - Do All My Friends Hate Me

Chapter 32

Notes:

I've heard your outrage about the last chapter and I promise that ... nah, it's not gonna get better yet.
Sorry! Have fun suffering through this xx

“Charlie …”
“No!”
“Charlie, please.”
“I said no!”

Nick sighed and let his head fall back, he looked up at the ceiling, trying to make a pattern out of the little knobs on the ingrain wallpaper. The birthday party had been a disaster and he wanted to make it right, wanted to call his manager and make him fire the whole PR department or something like that. He hadn’t notice just how much pressure they had put on his boyfriend until yesterday. But said boyfriend kept telling him no and grumpily picked at his breakfast.
“Char, they can’t do that to you. I will not tolerate that. I will talk to my manager and -”
Charlie interrupted him, not caring about the use of the nickname Nick had hoped would make him listen. The younger mans eyes usually went so soft when he used it but not today.
“I don’t want you to! Your first game is in a few days and I don’t want to cause any ruckus. I’ll just invite Tao and the others over another night, it’s fine.”

The emphasis on the last words did not make any more true and they both knew it. Nick didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to anger Charlie by doing something behind his back but he also did not want to see him as sad as yesterday ever again.
“Char,” he tried again and this time the nickname had the effect he had hoped for a minute ago. Charlies face went soft, a little smile appeared on his lips and he moved around the kitchen island to get close to him. He hugged him, resting his head on Nicks shoulder and Nick hid his face in the fabric of Charlies sweater. Or his sweater, to be correct.
“Please, let’s wait until the first game’s over, okay?"

Wasn’t it weird that it was his boyfriend who suggested this? That his boyfriend wanted to keep twisting his life around Nicks career and agreed to just put up with whatever that damn PR team flung at him? Nick had noticed it, how tired Charlie was after showing up for yet another publicity stunt on his own. How he didn’t log into his Instagram any more, not even his second and private one. How his smile in the pictures he took with fans seemed more tense. Nick didn’t like that, he didn’t like it one bit but he wouldn’t disagree with him now. The first game of the season was in just a few days and if Charlie wanted to wait until then, so be it. Gosh, the first game. Finally being back on the field! He was excited and nervous and somehow so ready and not ready at all at the same time.
“I can’t wait to hear you cheering me on,” he told Charlie and grinned at him. The other man looked like he just remembered something and without a word, he ran into his bedroom.
A few seconds later he appeared in the door frame, wearing a jersey with a big seven on it. Nicks heart jumped and his tummy did a weird thing. Charlie made a show of presenting himself in this jersey, showed off the letters that formed the name Nelson across his back.

“Remi sent it to me,” he explained and even did a little twirl. “Do I look like a rugby star now?”
“Absolutely! You could probably take my place.”
“I haven’t played in ages. The last time was when we were still in school and then I only joined the team because of you.”

“You weren’t that horrible, at least you were fast.”
“And you showed me how to tackle someone.”
“Yeah, I remember that. Do you still know how to do it?”
“I guess … No, Nick, don’t give me that face. We can’t do that here, the floor is too hard. I will get you hurt and you will miss the start of the season because of Charlie, the worst boyfriend ever.”
“You could never! But you’re allowed to try. Maybe if we do it in front of the bed, I will not fall that hard.”
“Smooth, Nick, very smooth.”

Charlie could tease him all he wanted because it did work. Being tackled into bed by your boyfriend who was wearing your number on his chest? That was a training session just how Nick liked it.

‘… stay and hold me like a paper weight, kiss me like it’s all the same, just lovers like we were supposed to be’

 

-

 

Even though he wasn’t a big sports fan, the anticipation and the buzz of the crowd made Charlie all fidgety. It was quite warm for a day in May in London and now Charlie was glad for not wearing his leather jacket. He had intended to wear it but Nick had changed his mind.

 

It had happened like this:
In the morning Nick had to leave early but Charlie had wanted to show him his look first. He had drawn a seven on one cheek and the logo of the rugby team on the other one (it was a bit wobbly but oh well). And he was wearing the jersey, a fan scarf and the leather jacket Remi had once sent him which had been collecting dust in his drawer until now.
When Nick had seen him, his eyes had grown wide and gone dark which had concerned Charlie. Had he gone overboard? But Nick had then stormed towards him, grabbed him near the collar of his jacket and pushed him against a wall- He had given him a kiss so devilish, so consuming and full of want and heat that Charlies knees had turned into pudding.

When Nick had finally let go out him (they had both been panting for air) he had said “I’m sorry but if you wear this to the game I will not be able to concentrate for even a minute.”
Huh, Charlie had thought, that was interesting. He hadn’t known it would turn Nick on this much if he wore a leather jacket. But he promised not to wear it since he wanted Nick to give his very best today. He could put it on later when they would celebrate on their own.
Right before Nick had had to leave, Charlie had remembered something. He had grabbed a black paint marker, taken Nicks hand and drawn a simple smiley face on the soft skin. It now matched his tattoo.
“See, I’m right by your side,” he had whispered which had caused Nick to give him another kiss, a gentler one this time. Full of love, full of hope and full of something that had reminded Charlie of the way Nick smiled in his favourite-coloured jumper, something yellow and good.

 

He was now wearing a different jacket. Nick had confessed that he had saved the pictures of Charlie at the fashion show on his phone. Charlie didn’t like the sheer outfit he had to wear to that event a lot but for Nick he considered putting it on again. Focus, he scolded himself because he was here to support Nick the rugby player and not Nick the hot and sexy boyfriend. Charlie was in sitting, in a secluded area that was reserved for the teams family members and significant others. Which was fun but he would rather sit with his friends whom he had gotten tickets for but unfortunately couldn’t get into this area.
He had explained what happened at his birthday to his friends. The situation between them, especially between him and Tao, didn’t feel completely back to normal yet and him not sitting next to them at the game probably wasn’t any help with that.

 

One thing Charlie had tried not to think of was the fact that Nick would have to leave the city for quite a big number of games. Sitting in the stadium was like a constant reminder of this fact though. He would try to hide him being sad about it in front of Nick, obviously. And he sure as hell would not talk to the PR team or let Nick talk to them either. He wanted to be the very best boyfriend and being the very best boyfriend of a rugby star included doing some things he didn’t like but it was fine, he was fine and Nick was fine and that was most important.

During the game he hollered and cheered along with the other girlfriends and wives. When Nicks team scored a touchdown, he was happy and proud. He just wished he could be with his friends, hold Elles hand and hug Isaac whenever the team made a point. But it was fine, it really was.

 

‘… yeah I’m fine if f is for feeling overwhelmed and i is for I’m not alright, yeah I’m fine if n is for not being able to sleep, e for every night’

 

-

 

They won the game and then Nick had to leave for a couple away-games and Charlie was alone in the big apartment. It went downhill from there.

This could have been an opportunity for Charlie to start concentrating more on his studies. And he tried to, he really did, but somehow he felt unenthusiastic working on the Shakespeare musical, zoned out at rehearsal and messed up the melody for the solo of the lead. But it was fine.
He had completely forgotten he had an exam in his course about composition for classic music coming up and stayed up way too late trying to get his brain to remember everything about orchestration. When the professor collected their work, Charlie felt like he had put his brain through a grinder. His head hurt like hell. But it was fine.
He cancelled movie night with his friends to work on the songs he had to turn in for another class but only ended up with a bin full of crumpled notes with ideas he had all deemed not good enough. But it was fine.
He forgot to go grocery shopping and had to eat one of Nicks horrible protein bars for dinner. He didn’t tell Nick any of this when he called, all excited about the season going well so far, as not to pull him down. But it was fine, it was all totally completely one hundred percent fine.

Except that it wasn’t and Charlie knew it. He woke up in the too big and too empty bed, wrapped in one of Nicks sweaters that only smelled like his own sweat now. He felt a heaviness inside his chest like a weight pressing down on him, tying him to the mattress. He couldn’t get his body to get up even as his third alarm rang, he just looked at his phone screen and watched as the numbers on the clock changed.
Now he would not be able to shower.
Now he would not be able to eat breakfast either.
Now he would have to run across campus to not be late.
Now he would be late even if he was running.
Now half of the course was over.
Now the next course started.
Now Nick called and he didn’t pick up, didn’t want the older man to hear the heaviness that weighed down his tongue and would probably made him talk oh so slowly.
Now he got a text from Simon, asking why he wasn’t on campus, and didn’t answer.
Now there was a new entry in his calendar app for a charity event sometime next week.

He did get up eventually. He looked inside Nick closet but apparently his boyfriend had taken his favourite yellow clothes with him. He put on a grey sweater that only smelled of washing powder which was at least better than reeking of his own cold night sweat.
Suddenly there were words inside his head, something that actually sounded usable for a song! Charlie hurried to his bedroom, found the note book and scribbled away.
‘he always wears yellow when he feels like himself but he’s been wearing grey without a thought of change’
He stared at the line. It was sad, yes, but it was good. He could imagine a melody for it already, maybe he could … Then it dawned on him why he had come up with a melody so quickly. Because there already was a song like this, one he hasn’t listened to in ages but as he looked it up and put it on speakers, the singers voice sounded just as warm as he remembered.
‘… because when she acts like herself I sweat that she outshines everyone else but she’s been feeling alone and no one’s fine on their own’
He crossed the words out on the page violently, his pen ripped a small hole into the paper.

His phone rang again, it was Nick who probably wondered why Charlie didn’t pick up. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring him down with his own sadness, his tiredness. It had drifted them apart before, hadn’t it? The thought brought back some memories, memories of him crying on Nicks shoulders with the older boy (they were just boys back then, weren’t they?) looking so lost because he couldn’t do anything to help him. How he had talked Nick out of going out because he had not wanted to leave the house, because the world had been like a heavy blanket and he had pulled Nick beneath it.
Charlie absent-mindedly started to twist the necklace in his hands, the one Tori had gotten him ages ago.

There's an eye
On a chain round my neck
It's supposed to protect me
From evil I guess

Was that another line of lyrics he had stolen from someone? Charlie tried thinking of a song that used this lyrics really hard but he couldn’t come up with one. So he wrote the words down, trying to keep his hand up with his head which was going so fast now.

And I'm sure
It's been doing its best
But it can't fight the evil
That's inside my head

Wasn’t that so true? Still, he never took the necklace off. He thought about sitting down at the grand piano in the living room, at that beautiful expensive instrument, at that thoughtful gift, to come up with a melody to accompany his words. But Charlie didn’t dare to, didn’t feel like he was good enough for it today. Instead, he plugged in his small keyboard, put on the headphones to escape into the music just for a while.

Tell me if you're getting bored
Of all this shit you didn't sign up for
I don't wanna turn my darkness into yours

When he had agreed to date Nick back in December (a whole world away, no, a whole galaxy from now), he had agreed to put up with whatever Nicks fame would throw at him. But Nick had done the same, hadn’t he? He had agreed to deal with Charlie and his moods, his anger and his sadness and his need for affection. That wasn’t something he had signed, there was no contract stating he had to put up with Charlie Springs mental health issues but he still had to do it.
They had renewed this agreement when they had started dating properly. Had Nick even thought about it, back then? How Charlie could spiral and become the albatross around his neck? What if somebody found out? Then Charlie would not be the very best boyfriend, he would be the guy who ruined Nicks career for being such a mess.
Nick was sitting on a pedestal, the sweetheart of rugby, the good guy, the one with a god damn halo above his head. And Charlie? Oh, Charlie was just someone clinging to him, an extra weight to be carried.

I wish I could lie to you right now
But the tears come with the truth
I've been hanging by your halo
Don't you wanna cut me loose?

See, that was a problem Charlie was still struggling with. He often felt the need to ask people if maybe, just possibly, they would like to cut him off? Cut him out of their lives because maybe it would be better without him, easier, lighter? The urge to ask his friends this was especially high when he was in a bad mood. He and Tao had fought about it once. In the end Tao had literally screamed at him to stop trying to get him to dislike him. (“You want me to stop being your friend so your mind can then tell you some bullshit about how nobody wants to be your friend? Like some self-fulfilling prophecy? You wish, Charlie. I won’t make it that easy for you.”) Since then, he had never felt like asking Tao that again. Tao was a safe place disguised as a person.

I didn't mean to weigh you down
With my ever changing mood
I've been hanging by your halo
I hope I never get too much for you

Charlie wondered where all these words came from, how they could pour out of him so easily. It was like he had poked a hole into a water balloon and now the words kept flowing out of him. He wasn’t even sure who this song was for or about. Just about Nick? About his friends? Maybe it was an apology to everyone he had ever met, every shoulder he had ever rested his head on.

No excuse
For the shit that I've done
But I'm blaming the head fuck
On my cancer sun

He should probably call his sister. And answer Nicks calls. Simons text message. All the comments on his official Instagram account. So many lovely comments, so many nice messages and people who were actually happy to meet him. How could be complain about that? How could he be so egoistic and be burned out, sad, overwhelmed when all he had to do was show up and smile in order to support his boyfriend?

Wouldn't judge you
If you wanted to run
Isn't loving somebody
Supposed to be fun?

He felt like he was hard to love right now. He didn’t want Nick to see him like this. He wanted Nick to think of him as a happy, smiling, stable person and not this caricature of a young man.

Does the thread begin to fray?
I haven't left my room for days
I don't wanna turn my darkness into
Something you can't escape

The tip of his pencil broke before he could finish the last word. ‘esca’ was all he had managed to write. He felt torn. Torn between wanting to call Nick right this second and beg him to leave him. Or maybe just cry and rant and tell him how he did not like his life right now. Make Nick answer like he did last time, many years ago. ‘You don’t have to be in it.’
And at the same time he just wanted to go into the shower, wash the dried tears from his face and call Nick as the happy boyfriend that he deserved.

‘… wish I could lie to you right now but the tears come with the truth, I've been hanging by your halo, don't you wanna cut me loose? I didn't mean to weigh you down with my ever changing mood, I've been hanging by your halo, I hope I never get too much for you’

Notes:

remember back in chapter 9 when Charlies necklace was mentioned the first time? i've been planning to use that song ever since!

songs mentioned:
Blake Rose - Gone
Kyle Hume - Fine
Lauren Aquilina - Hanging By Your Halo

Chapter 33

Notes:

you're lucky cause I just got covid which means I have more time to write. yay me!

Nick knew immediately that today wasn’t a good day. He had sensed it ever since he came back home from the few away games his team had played (and mostly won). Charlie hadn’t said anything, hadn’t mentioned any incidents or anything happening out of the ordinary but Nick could see the way his shoulders were a bit more hunched and how his fingers searched for his necklace every couple minutes. Like he needed to check if it was still there, like it was important, like he needed it to hold on to something.

They were getting themselves ready for a charity event. Okay, it wasn’t just them getting ready by themselves, Remi had come over with two big black suit bags and an army of make-up brushes. Charity events were about collecting money for a good cause, sure, but a big part of the event was getting photographed and those expensive cameras could show every single pore. Nothing Photoshop couldn’t fix but covering that little abrasion on Nicks temple was still a good idea.

Charlie was pacing through the living room, messing up his curls that Remi had tried to tame. Nick liked him better when he looked a little ruffled anyway. The younger man was wearing a ruby coloured suit over a white button-down, he looked marvellous. But he also looked a little anxious.

 

“Hey,” Nick said and pulled him in by his elbow as Remi collected her brushes and small tins.
“We don’t have to stay long, I promise.”
Charlies eyes went wide at that. “No, we can stay as long as you want to, I’m fine! Don’t want to make a bad impression by leaving early.” He pinched his nose and then his fingers wandered to the necklace that was hiding beneath his shirt. “What kind of charity is it again?” he asked.

“It’s the Okonjo Foundation, they set up youth shelters and have some shelters especially for young queer people.”

Charlie seemed to think about his answer for a moment, then he asked, “Do you think we would have to go there if they didn’t have extra shelters for queer people?”
Nick was pretty sure they wouldn’t. To be honest, if he was dating a woman he probably wouldn’t have to do it either. It was all calculated and well-thought-through. He didn’t mind though because even if they would go there purely for publicity reasons, they were still supporting a good cause.

 

The event was fine. Lots of people in expensive clothes who assured each other how much they cared about the struggling youth and tried to one-up the ones sitting next to them by donating an even higher amount of money.

Nick stayed close to Charlie as they mingled with people and he was glad when they met another young man who talked about the charity organisation he worked for. Nick didn’t listen as intently and at first thought he was working to the Okonjo Foundation but after the man had mentioned the word beetle a bit too often, he came to the conclusion that he was talking about another organisation. He was a bit odd but Nick could see Charlies shoulders relax talking to the guy (Luis? Luca? No … Lucien, that was his name!).

 

They listened to the head of the foundation (a man with pink hair and an eccentric taste in fashion) talk about the importance of safe spaces for young people in need and he announced a special guest who would arrive later this evening. Nick had no idea who he might be talking about but the people around him started to whisper and he thought he had heard the name Henry flowing around.

He didn’t want to wait for said special guest though because he noticed the rising frequency in which Charlie grabbed for the pendant of his necklace. It was time for them to go. Later, Nick wished he would have waited a bit longer.

 

Just as they were about to leave and Charlie asked why there was such a big crowd of people outside, a black car which was escorted by several police cars came to a stop in front of the building the event took place in.

People started screaming and shouting as the door of the car opened and no other than Henry, the prince of Wales, got out of the car. There were several security guards trying to keep the crowd at bay as more guards ushered the prince inside and Nick and Charlie tried to make their way through to the street where hopefully Otis would be waiting.

A loud cry made Nick duck his head and suddenly the crowd broke past the guards and Nick lost Charlies hand in the thick of it. The guards were fast, securing the prince and the entry of the building but Nick was stuck in the middle of the mob, trying to get through the people shouting and reaching their hands towards the door the prince had just went through. Where was Charlie? Nick called his name but his voice drowned out in the noise of the people around him.
He pushed through the crowd, heard with one ear how somebody asked “is that Nick Nelson?”, got a pair of elbows jabbed into his side but kept pushing towards.

 

When he exited the mob, he saw Charlie. His suit looked crumpled, the top button of his shirt seemed to have been popped open or maybe ripped apart and he was frantically feeling around his torso with his hands. Otis was just a step behind him, he must have gotten out of the car to help them.

“Charlie,” Nick exclaimed and pulled his boyfriend into a hug but the younger man wriggled himself free and started to look at the ground like he had lost something. “Charlie? What’s going on?” Charlie was now kneeling on the ground, feeling for something on the cobbled pavement. Nick had to bend down next to him to understand what he was saying.
“No, no, no, I lost it, I lost it.”

“Charlie,” Nick said and tried to take his hand but Charlie wouldn’t stop fumbling around, looking more and more panicked. “Charlie!” Nick repeated, louder this time, and wrapped his hands around the dark-haired mans face to force him to look at him. “Charlie, what is going on? Are you hurt?”

His blue eyes looked greyish, like storm clouds had found their way into them.

“My necklace.”
Charlies hand moved around his neck, feeling for something that wasn’t there. It must have been torn off as the crowd had gone wild.

 

“Excuse me, I must ask you to leave the property.” A curvy police woman with a stern voice had walked over to them.

“We will be gone in a second, we just have to look for -” Nick started but was interrupted.

“I’m sorry but everyone has to leave right now or we’re going to escort you.”

 

They left without being able to search for the necklace. Charlie was quiet on the way home, quiet as they stepped into the apartment, quiet as he tore off his suit and let it fall to the floor before wrapping himself in the blanket of the bed. Quiet as Nick told him he was sorry, told him they could go and look for it tomorrow, told him he could buy a new one, told him goodnight and held him.

Nick couldn’t fall asleep for a long time. When he did eventually, Charlie was still wide awake, stormy eyes staring into the darkness of the night.

 

‘… it’s raining, it’s pouring, it’s four in the morning and I don’t wanna cry but I need you here ‘cause I’m a mess, blue skies turn to grey now, my eyes turn to rain clouds and I’m tired’

 

-

 

Charlie wrapped the grey scarf one more time around his neck but he still felt exposed, naked, bare. Losing the necklace, that stupid stupid necklace, felt like losing a part of himself.

He knew he was snippy when he talked to Isaac in the library between two courses and he did feel sorry for that but seriously, he was going through some actual stuff compared to Isaac who only complained about not getting a perfect grade of his last essay. Something about how Shakespeare’s use of symbolism contributed to the development of the theme in Romeo and Juliet, whatever that meant.

 

He left the library after mumbling some weak excuse and called Tori.
“Hello little brother, what fancy event are you visiting today?” She sounded cheery in a nonchalant way only she could pull off, Charlie had tried to copy it once but failed. Tori always managed to come off as cool and casual, like nothing could get to her. It did though, her heart was just as soft as his own, her armour just happened to be thicker.

“None, thankfully,” he answered and kicked at the gravel beneath his feet.

“And here I was thinking you had levelled up into the high society by now. Did you meet the prince?” (She would never admit it out loud but Tori had a thing for royal drama.)
“Uhm, not really. I mean, he walked past me and I got caught in the mob of people wanting to touch his princely whatever.”

“Are you talking about his butt?”
It was already afternoon and this was the first time that Charlie laughed today.

 

“I lost the necklace.” It burst out of him just like the small laugh did before. This wasn’t a confession, he knew Tori wouldn’t get mad at him for losing something she had given him. It was more like a secret way of saying ‘what is going to protect me now?’ to the one person who had always done just that all his life.

“Oh, have evil spirits taken over you yet?” He could hear her crooked smile through the phone, he could also hear her concern.

“Only a little,” he admitted.

 

Talking to his sister had made the weird feeling around his neck a little less weird, he felt a bit calmer and when he got into the car and greeted Otis (yes, getting picked up from a security guard was still a thing in his life, oh happy days), smiling didn’t hurt as much.

Coming back to the apartment felt better knowing Nick would be there. Charlie desperately needed a lazy evening on the couch, tucked in with a blanket and Nicks arm around his shoulders.

But when he stepped into the flat he could hear several voices coming from the direction of the sofa. His shoulders tensed up and the smile on his face hardened.

“Charlie!” someone called. “Nick, your boyfriend’s here!” someone else said and Charlie recognised Christians voice.

A few of Nicks team mates were sat in the living room, waved at him as he looked around for his boyfriend. So much for a lazy evening alone.

“He’s in the bathroom,” Matt explained.

 

When Nick walked into the living room and saw Charlie, his face lit up and he placed a tender kiss of his lips. “Go, get him, tiger!” one of the guys shouted and as the others started hooting, Nick laughed and planted a big wet kiss on Charlies mouth.

The other guys all cheered and Nick grinned but Charlie felt like he needed to wipe at his mouth with his sleeve. His boyfriend didn’t seem to notice him being uncomfortable, he linked their fingers and made an attempt to pull him towards the sofa.

“Come sit with us! We’re almost done talking about the next game and we’re going to watch that show about yachting afterwards. We started watching it at our last hotel, the guests are always so stuck-up and the crew is a mess, it’s great fun!” He tugged at his hand but Charlie didn’t move.
“Ehm, I have an assignment due tomorrow.”
“Oh.” Nicks face crumpled a little.

“I’m sorry guys,” Charlie said to Nicks mates and they made various sounds of sympathy and understanding. He turned to his boyfriend to say, “I totally forgot about this one, I’m sorry.”
He leaned in for a quick kiss that felt lukewarm.

 

Charlie went into his bedroom, closed the door behind him and felt guilty for lying about the assignment. He just wasn’t in the mood to spend the evening with Nicks friends even though they all were super nice.

He cuddled up in his bed, could hear the men laughing next door as he flipped through his notebooks of song lyrics. If he worked on these it was a little like doing an assignment, right?
There were so many snippets of lyrics that had never turned into a song, a collection of words that had never fit anywhere but his little library of unwritten anthems.

Like don’t mess with my head, don’t tell me you’re falling with your feet still on the ledge or cut people out like tags on my clothing or I’d write a thousand songs just to keep you calm or what are you after, some kind of disaster or treat myself like I can’t break.

 

He had once even managed to write something that resembled a verse or maybe just a bad poem: reach out to me, make my heart brand new, every beat will be for you and I know you know you touched my life when you touched my heavy heart and made it light.

It was about Nick, of course it was, but something about reading these words in this moment didn’t sit quite right. Maybe because his heart still felt heavy even after Nick had hugged him and kissed him today.

 

That evening, Charlie fell asleep in his own bed for the first time in a while. With a heavy heart, a heavy head and laughter just a room away, he drifted off. Thinking about how he was only ever poetic when he was either in love or sad and how sadness seemed to be so much easier to achieve at times.

 

‘… and if you see the shell that’s left of me, could you spare him a little kindness’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Anson Seabra - It's Raining, It's Pouring
Anson Seabra - Broken

Chapter 34

Notes:

i am so sorry for this chapter, i swear it's gonna get better eventually!

Nick didn’t want to leave. Or at least he wanted to leave, play the game, hopefully win and then get back home as fast as possible. Back to Charlie.
Charlie who insisted that Nick should not drive all the way back after the game but stay with his team at a hotel instead, “It’s perfectly fine, I swear.” He didn’t believe him. He could see the dark shadows underneath his boyfriends eyes and could hear him wander through the apartment at night. He knew the younger man wasn’t able to sleep and that he most certainly wasn’t fine but still put on a fake smile every morning and dragged himself to college and to whatever ridiculous thing the PR team had come up with. Nick would have talked to his manager but Charlie still begged him not to. (“It’s just for the season, it’s fine Nick, I promise.”)

So when Nick sat down in the little bus that would bring the team to their next game, he really wasn’t in the mood for the banter that filled the air around him.
He needed to do something but didn’t want to act behind Charlies back. He knew how snappy Charlie could get, he had witnessed it just two days ago when he had asked if maybe Charlie could pull out the headphones from his keyboard, play out loud so Nick could listen to him, had joked that the grand piano was collecting a bit of dust. “Well, maybe I like my cheap little keyboard! I didn’t ask for such an over the top present!”
The words had stung and Nick had looked at his boyfriend in shock – his soft, kind boyfriend who liked to hide behind his curls. Charlie had apologised immediately, had bowed his head and talked about how freaking tired he was and how that effected his temper. He hadn’t meant to say that, he loved this thoughtful gift, he loved Nick. But he still hadn’t played him a song.

 

The game went by so fast and Nick couldn’t recall anything that had happened when they came back into the changing room defeated. The other guys discussed throws and tackled, what went wrong and why while Nick stared at his phone, debating whether to drive back to London for an hour or not.

 

‘The London Falcons lose an important game of the season! How Nicholas Nelson has let us all down’

 

‘Trouble in paradise? Several girlfriends of team member of the London Falcons were spotted at the game today but one particular curly-haired man was missing’

 

‘Charlie Spring attends the opening of an art exhibition by queer artist Salman Toor instead of supporting his boyfriend at one of the most challenging games of this rugby season’

 

He hadn’t meant to look up news about the team or himself, his fingers had moved without him really thinking about it and now Nick read through the headlines that got progressively worse. People acted like this game was one of the most important of the season which wasn’t even true! And the bullshit about Charlie not supporting him? How did they even come up with stuff like this? Nick hoped that Charlie didn’t hear any of this. He saw a photo of Charlie standing in front of a blurry greenish looking painting. The younger man was wearing wide dark pants and a flouncy top that looked a bit like something worn by someone from the baroque area (or something Harry Styles would wear). He looked sophisticated and beautiful but the way his fingers were clasped around a glass of champagne showed how tensed up he was.

 

‘how was the exhibition?’ Nick texted.

‘it was fine!’

Nick kind of started to hate that word.
‘you have to tell me about your favourite piece when I get home’

 

The flat was dark when Nick arrived expect for the light of the always-awake city that seeped in through the windows. The pillows on the sofa sat accurately in their corners, the fluffy blanket was neatly folded. For a second Nick was reminded of coming back to the apartment when he had been living alone. Like nothing had changed in his absence because there was no body there.

He went into the bathroom to get ready for bed then padded to his bedroom – he liked to thing of it as their bedroom though. His eyes had gotten used to the dark by now and he felt a sense of relief when he saw that Charlie was lying in bed. That was a good sign, right? That he wasn’t sleeping in his own room?

 

Nick moved beneath the blanket, robbed over to his boyfriend whose breath was even and slow. He didn’t wake him, didn’t want to disturb the little sleep Charlie was getting. He set a timer on his phone and as he wanted to put it down onto his nightstand, he noticed a little piece of paper lying there. ‘salman toor – over his shoulder, inner portrait 1, humiliated ancestor 7’

Nick remembered that Salman Toor was the name of the artist whose art Charlie had looked up today. He looked up the paintings Charlie must have jotted down the names of to show him before he had fallen asleep.

He didn’t know a lot about art, he only knew if he liked something or not. Looking at paintings of which he knew that they were his boyfriends favourite felt like spying inside his mind. Nick liked all three of them but they also made him sad. The fact that Charlie must have seen something special in those works of art made him even sadder. He carefully inched closer to the sleeping man, put an arm around his waist and nestled his nose into the dark curls. They smelled of herbs from Charlies shampoo and something about the heavy, earthy smell fit so well to the first painting Nick had just looked at. He could feel Charlies breathing stop for a second before his body released and melted into Nick. “Stay with me,” Nick whispered even though Charlie was fast asleep and not going anywhere. He still felt like he needed to say it, just to be sure.

 

‘… hold me like the night sky holds the moon, wrap me in your arms just like you do, sing me something sweet and take me in, lead me somewhere I have never been, stay with me, stay with me’

 

-

 

It wasn’t there. Charlie had searched through his backpack three times and now he lifted it up and let all his belonging fall to the ground, shaking the now empty backpack to get even the last bit of lint out. But still, the notebook wasn’t there. Disappeared, vanished, gone. And this was bad because it wasn’t just another notebook, this was the notebook. The one Nick had gotten him as a late Christmas present, the one he hadn’t dared to write in for quite a while but then thought “fuck it, life if short, don’t save up the good stuff for a time that might never come” and the pages had filled up with songs. He had poured his heart into these words and now they were gone.

Charlie kneeled down on the floor, put his stuff back into his backpack piece by piece with shaky hands. Did he even pack the notebook this morning? Maybe he had forgotten it, maybe it was still laying on his bed next to his little keyboard.
But he knew he was only trying to calm himself down, was only grasping for the slightest of chances. Because he always carried his notebook with him wherever he went, inspiration could strike at any time. Don’t freak out, Charlie told himself, just go and look for it in your room, maybe this isn’t as bad as you think. So he did, walked to his bedroom, looked for his notebook, opened drawers he hadn’t opened in weeks, looked underneath the bed and was about to lift the mattress for a quick glance because maybe, just maybe …

“Hi Char.”

Nick looked blurry. Okay, he probably didn’t, how would that even be possible, clearly this was because Charlies eyes started to fill up with tears. “I lost it,” he whispered and couldn’t see the expression on Nicks face because his vision was still blurred.

“I know but I think I found one that looked just like yours.”
Nicks words didn’t make any sense. The older boy walked over to him and pulled Charlie into a hug, one of those famous Nelson hugs he had probably been taught to do by his mother because her arms could feel just as safe. His mouth was close to Charlies ear and he continued in a low voice, “I know it’s not the same but maybe it’ll ward off evil just as well.”

Charlie took a step back, a step out of his boyfriends arms, to look at him. “What are you talking about?” He was confused.
“Your necklace…” Nick answered and sounded just as confused.
“This isn’t about the goddamn necklace.” His voice was louder than he had intended but seriously, who was thinking about the necklace he lost when his notebook was missing? His notebook that included some of his deepest secrets and darkest thoughts and worst fears and basically his whole freaking heart and soul.

The anxiety rushed through his body, made his fingers shaky and clawing into his sweater while Nick stood there in his yellow jumper and looked confused but still so handsome and nothing like the wreck that Charlie knew he would find in the mirror.

 

When he spoke again, his voice was just as loud but this time it was on purpose. “I left my notebook somewhere on campus and now the whole world will read all about my fucked up thoughts and everyone will laugh at me and probably sell it to some freaking newspaper and people will accuse me of ruining your career and everything and it’s all because you printed my fucking name on the cover of that notebook, like, who even does that, Nick?”
This was less of a speech and more of a rant, a desperate outbreak of emotion and words and the tears were streaming down his face along with some snot from his nose and Charlie felt disgusting and disgusted at the same time.

“Charlie …”
“No! Please. Don’t tell me this is gonna work out because it clearly isn’t. I can’t do this any more, I’m burnt out, I’m done.”

 

‘… I can take the fall, the pain, the pleasure and you can take it all, for worse or better, but oh, what if we’re wrong, what if we’re not all that we thought, then we won’t make it along but hey, I guess that’s us’

 

-

 

Miles was a good friend. To the earth and that was why he was currently sitting on the uncomfortable seat of a subway.
He had seen a fair share of different people on his daily commute to campus. Some of them were there every day and even though he had never talked to any of them, he still worried when one of them didn’t show up, wondered if they were sick or had missed the train. There was the woman who always fell asleep and since he knew she was supposed to get off at a certain stop, he watched her carefully just in case she didn’t wake up in time.
There was a person who he used to call the ‘shy guy’ who had always seemed to want to blend in with the train seats but looked way happier since they started wearing nail polish. He always tried to give that person a smile especially on the day he had caught a glimpse at the dress the person was wearing and trying to hide under a big coat.

There was a big man who looked more and more stressed every time he looked at his cellphone and he did that quite often.

There were a few others Miley considered his subway acquaintances but today someone else caught his eyes. It wasn’t the first person crying he had seen on the train but this young man looked just so pitiful. It took Miles a minute before he realised he knew that person, it was Charlie Spring. He clearly had a hiccup and the end of his sleeves were wet because he used them to wipe his face.
Miles noticed something else. Two girls who kept glancing at the crying Charlie and if he heard it right, they talked about taking a picture of him.
Miles didn’t talk to them to stop them, he also didn’t go to Charlie to console him because he didn’t feel like it was his place to do so. If he were to cry on the subway, he wouldn’t want somebody he only talked to once come up to him. But he got up from his seat and positioned himself so he stood between the girls and the other young man, making it impossible for them to take a photo.

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Anson Seabra - Stay With Me
Anson Seabra - That's Us

Ansons song were a major inspiration for this whole story

Chapter 35

Notes:

can I just say a huge fucking thank you for all your wonderful comments on the last chapter? I wish I could hug you all :')

this one will probably hurt as well but I promise, it will all get better eventually xx

Allison was a good friend. Yes, sometimes she took things a bit too seriously (especially the play she and her course mates were working on right now) but she still was a nice person.
Right now, she was a really confused person though because while she did love drama, she had not been prepared for a heavily breathing and frantic looking rugby star to bump into her just when she was about to leave the building. Was that Nick fucking Nelson?
Allison blinked, once, twice, as Nick caught his breath and looked at her. “Do you know Charlie?”
She narrowed her eyes as she answered that yes, she knew Charlie but he had left quite a while ago. Not everyone was as involved in the play as she was and stayed after hours to work on it.

“Do you know in which room he had his last course in?”
This was the weirdest encounter Allison had ever had on campus and she hung out with the theatre crowd on a daily basis.
“I think it was in room B.19?”
“Great, thank you so much!”
And with that Nick started jogging off. “Turn left,” Allison called after him when he got near the end of the corridor before turning towards the door.

Should she tell her friends in the group chat about this right now? Text Charlie? Follow Nick and investigate?
The decision was made for her when her phone buzzed with a new text message.
‘I poured grape juice over the costume for Helena’
Whatever drama was going on between the sports star and Charlie, this right here was a real emergency!

 

-

 

Tao was a good friend. Even when Charlie had missed Elles event at the rainbow centre, even when they had waited in front of the club on his birthday, even now.

See, Tao was stressed but in a good way because of the little film festival he had helped set up. Movies were his thing, always had, always would be and he had invited all his friends. He always acted so confident, like oh of course this all worked out, everything I put my hands on does because I am fucking amazing but right now, he was actually proud of himself. Elle knew that, the kiss she placed on the corner of his lips told him.

So when the door bell rang, obviously Tao opened the door and then all he could see was a picture of misery.

Charlies cheeks looked shiny because they were wet with tears. His curls were a total mess, his nose was red and he was talking but Tao couldn’t understand a single words through the hiccup and quivering breaths. He quickly pulled his friend into the apartment, closed the door behind him and then turned to him and talked to him in a calm voice. “Breathe in, Charlie, deep breath, hold it … yup, now just exhale and tell me what is going on, okay?”
Charlie took a couple more breaths before he started to talk. “I lost my notebook.”

That wasn’t what Tao had expected. How could a lost notebook turn his friend into this distressed human being?

After Charlie had told him why exactly a lost notebook was worth such a breakdown, Tao placed him on the worn out sofa in the small but cosy living room and put a blanket around his shoulders.
“I can go and look around campus, maybe it’s still there,” he suggested but Charlie shook his head. “It’s too late. I know it.”
Tao wasn’t so sure about that and when he went into the kitchen to get Charlie a cup of water, he texted Isaac to see if maybe he was still around campus.

He brought Charlie a cup and a plate with some cold and half-burnt pancakes. “If you put enough jam or syrup on top of it, you won’t taste the bitter part,” he said and grabbed some from the kitchen.
Charlie only stared at the plate like he was thinking about how unfair it was that this didn’t apply to life as well. Just put something sugary on top and the bad parts won’t be noticeable. Isaac replied to Taos text, saying he was still at the library and would stop by the music building to go and search for Charlies book. Tao was relieved that Isaac sort of inhabited the university library.
“Do you want to talk? Or watch something on TV?”
It took Charlie a while to respond, he was busy picking at the sofa. The filling had started to spill out through a tiny hole but Tao didn’t say anything to stop his friend from turning this tiny hole into a big one.
“Wouldn’t it be funny if there was some gossip show and they showed my face like ‘breaking news, Nick Nelsons boyfriend is fucking crazy’?”
“So, we’ll just stick to the history channel, I guess?”

 

Tao turned the TV on and the calming voice of a narrator you would only find on the history channel filled the room. When Isaac called, he threw a quick glance at Charlie before leaving the room to take the call in the kitchen.

‘… been such a mess for a long time, up and down and stressed, I don’t feel right, I guess it’s just a sad boy summer, just a sad boy summer’

 

-

 

Something about the soothing voice of the narrator of the documentary playing on the screen felt familiar. Something about the pictures did, too. Wasn’t that just lovely? How he managed to catch the same documentary about the Hindenburg disaster that he had first watched back at Nicks old home? Back when they were two men whose past relationship had been thrown into the public eye? Back when everything had felt horrible but like nothing compared to this?
Seeing the Hindenburg explode on the screen over and over made Charlies stomach twist. Why was everything people deemed unsinkable or invincible bound to break?

He could hear Tao talking in the kitchen, he was probably speaking to Elle on the phone to prepare her for finding a sad guy sitting in her living room. The narrator talked about how a special lightweight baby grand piano had been crafted for the airship to keep the guests entertained. Charlie looked around the room, he needed a pen and some paper. He found some on the windowsill, a little notepad with an unfinished shopping list on top that he tore off.
He sat back down on the sofa and pulled his knees up to lean the notepad against his legs. His handwriting was wobbly, his mind was going too fast and the narrator said there had been a smoking area on an airship filled with flammable helium. Well, this disaster must have been predictable, right?

We were floating for days
We were flying the way
That doves do
And I loved you

Gosh, why was his brain always looking for metaphors in everything he saw? How could a documentary on an exploding Zeppelin inspire him for a song?
But Charlie couldn’t help it, when he looked at the screen he saw himself and Nick and whatever was still left of them.

We were sailing the sky
Watch the clouds passing by
Like a dreamland
Where should we land

He had been warned and didn’t listen, he had been caught in old feelings that had sparked new feelings and he had really thought they could make this work. Charlie had been so happy to be with Nick again. Maybe he had been lying to himself about how he hadn’t missed him before. Maybe he had fallen for him to easily because his stubborn heart had just waited for this.

We were invincible
That’s what they said
So indivisible
Wherever we went

Had he broken up with Nick? What that was he had meant when he said that he was done? The thought made his heart ache, made him want to run back – back home?
Why had the apartment only ever felt like home when Nick was there with him? When did home become a synonym for not only the apartment but for being with Nick? How could he ever be done with that?

Higher and higher
I guess that we had it all
Light up the sky and then
We thought that we’d never fall

Charlie didn’t want this to be over. He never had. But if being with Nick looked like what he had lived through in the past months, he simply wasn’t strong enough. He couldn’t be the boyfriend Nick needed.

You were my Hindenburg lover, we were flying away
But then we took a wrong turn and it was all up in flames
And now I’m staring at the wreckage trying make it okay

At times, Charlie had forgotten about the wreckage. About the hole full of hurt in his chest. Even when he had disliked going to fashion shows or the fucked up night of his birthday. Because being with Nick in their apartment had felt wholesome, had made him feel worthy and loved. He had forgotten about the outside world, about the pressure and photos and paparazzi and appointments and rugby. But all this was part of Nicks life and he wouldn’t ask him to change any of that.

And I guess I got burned from the scars on my heart
And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know from the start
That there was something in between us that would tear us apart

Something about watching an explosion in black and white made Charlie feel uneasy. Explosions were supposed to look fiery red and orange, hurting the eyes that watched it. But this seemed almost calm or maybe it was just the repetition that had dulled him.

I can still see your face
Looking back through the flames
And I search it
Was it worth it

That was the big question, wasn’t it? If this had been worth it? Charlie was hurt, lost, confused, angry, bitter and so so sad but he couldn’t bring himself to deem the time he had with Nick not worth it.

No I don’t mind the smoke
But your tears make me choke
Are you okay
Should I go away

What as Nick thinking of him right now? Maybe he was tired of him, maybe he finally realised that Charlie simply wasn’t good enough for him. But maybe, just maybe, when the door bell rang it wasn’t Elle who had forgotten her keys. Charlie tried not to get his hopes up but he had been born with a stubborn heart and there wasn’t much he could do about it.

We were invincible
That’s what they said
So indivisible
Wherever we went
Higher and higher, yeah
We thought that we’d never fall
Light up the sky and then
I guess that we had it all

Funnily enough, he thought that for a moment he had actually heard Nicks voice. But this was probably his imagination, just wishful thinking because through everything, he loved this man so so much.

You were my Hindenburg lover we were flying away
But then we took a wrong turn and it was all up in flames
And now I’m staring at the wreckage trying make it okay

“Charlie?”
Charlie didn’t know how Nick did it. How he made his name feel safe in his mouth.

‘… guess I got burned from the scars on my heart and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know from the start that there was something in between us that would keep us apart’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Myle - Sad Boy Summer (such a good song!)
Anson Seabra - Hindenburg Lover

when I started writing this story in November 2022, "Hindenburg Lover" was a song I listened to constantly and I knew I had to work it into the story somehow, especially after writing the scene in where Nick & Charlie watch the documentary for the first time. well, I finally did it! I know how I wanted this scene to go for so long and I feel so genius for weaving this in hahaha

Chapter 36

Notes:

sorry to break it to you but we're about this close to the end (imagine me holding my fingers so close to each other, they're nearly touching)

Tao eyed him carefully as Nick stood in the door frame. He wasn’t sure what exactly Charlie had told his best friend but apparently it was enough to bring out Taos protective nature. But not enough to not let him into the apartment so that was a good sign, right?

Nick stepped closer towards the sofa on which Charlie was sitting on, knees brought up to his chest, fingers of his right hand wrapped tightly around a pen. His eyes looked shiny like they tended to do after crying and Nick didn’t want to count the times he had seen Charlie cry this year. He felt like this was all his fault, he almost felt like crying as well but this wasn’t the place for it right now.

“I got your book,” he said and lifted the dark green notebook for the younger man to see. How much time he had spent choosing the right colour, he had been fretting over it like it was the most important thing in the world back then. Back when neither of them had grasped what a fake and then a non fake relationship would entail.

 

The cloud above Charlies head seemed to lose a bit of its grey colour and he got up and closed the distance between them. He quickly grabbed the notebook and pressed it close to his chest.
This right there – the way he stood in front of him in his worn out socks and the oversized sweater (the fact that it was one of his undid some of the knots in Nick stomach), the way he looked up at him with those blue eyes that had been raining far too much, head tilted just the smallest bit, the light coming through the window in just the right angle – could have been a truly cinematic moment. The scene from a movie everyone took screenshots of and posted them along with some deep, meaningful quote.
Tao ruined this potential by audibly clearing his throat. “So, are you staying for dinner then?”

 

To be honest, Nick would have preferred to go home and talk to Charlie in private but the younger man had nodded in response to Taos question before Nick could say anything.

Dinner was … something. A mixture of tense and awkward and silent even though Tao and Elle tried to keep the conversation going. Elle talked about her lectures and then got excited about stationary in a way no normal person would get excited over pens and tape besides her. And Tao told them all about the film festival that was supposed to start in just a few days.

He was rambling about a certain director who would be there as Elle got up to clear the table and when Nick went to help her, he noticed just how little Charlie had eaten. An old alarm device went off inside his head, one he had installed in his mind back when they were teenagers.

How could he have let it come so far? Why did he listen but not listen properly every time Charlie had said that something was fine, that he could take this. He really wanted to go home now.

Nick leaned in to Charlie and quietly asked, “Do you want to go home? Or …”
He trailed off, painfully aware of Tao watching them. “Or do you want to stay here? I could go. Or stay.”

Tao and Charlie seemed to have a quick conversation just with their eyes before Charlie turned to Nick and answered him. “Let’s go.”

Nick was already at the door when Charlie excused himself, saying he needed to get something from the living room. It was only him and Tao for a second.

“Thank you for … for always being his safe harbour.” Nick really meant it. He knew that Tao would always choose Charlie over him, that he would even try and fight him with his skinny arms if he needed to. He also knew that right now Tao was weary of him but that was okay because it just meant that he cared about Charlie.
“Of course,” Tao said curtly.

 

Charlie emerged from the living room, holding on to a sheet of paper and his notebook. He looked tired, not only from this day but from weeks of slowly spiraling downwards. Nick kind of wished Tao, or someone stronger, would actually try and fight him, hit him for not drawing a line earlier, for putting this all to a stop.

The car ride was quiet, Nick wasn’t sure if he should turn on the radio but then Charlie did before he continued to stare out the windows, eyelids heavier than the rain that had started falling.
Nick kept glancing over to the dark-haired man who was about to fall asleep in the passenger seat. They weren’t going to talk about all this until tomorrow, too exhausted from a day full of hurt and anxiousness. Charlie wasn’t the only one being tired, Nick could feel the drowsiness inside his own head but he wouldn’t go right to bed back home. He had some calls to make and they wouldn’t be pretty but whenever he looked over at the man next to him whose pale face looked almost relaxed for the first time in days, something inside him found the strength to deal with it all.

 

He barely listened to the song that played on the radio, completely missed the lyrics. It was a good thing though. The words would have reminded him even more of Charlies pain, would have hurt more than the whole situation already did. He didn’t need extra daggers stabbing into his heart, his guilt was enough.

‘… the only days that I’m not stressed are days I work myself to death and I’m too tired to feel anything else, even then I’m restless in my sleep, my worries bleed into my dreams and I wake up and do it all again’

 

-

 

Tara was a good friend. So when Nick had sent her a long ass voice message way too early in the morning, she had taken her time to listen to it and try to understand everything that had gotten down with her best friend and his boyfriend. She was at a loss for words now, sitting in her kitchen and staring at the note on the fridge that said make appointment for wedding dress shopping!!
How on earth does one respond to this kind of thing?
‘do you need me to listen and be there for you or do you want advice?’
Always better to ask before giving out unsolicited advice. It was something she had have to learn because well, she was just great at giving advice! But sometimes people just wanted to vent and needed some validation.

‘maybe a tiny bit of advice? I think I just got my manager to fire the whole PR team, besides Alice cause she’s cool’

Tara considered this a good thing, given all the shit these people had put Charlie through.

‘I still feel so guilty’
‘want me to give you a call?’
‘please’

“Good morning,” she tried not to sound too cheerful but also not too sad as not to bring Nick down.

“Hey Tara,” he sighed and she immediately wished she could wrap him into a hug.

“So, I guess you and Charlie are going to have a serious talk today, huh?”
More sighing followed which was probably appropriate. Tara really wanted to say something to uplift her friend and she had sputtered the words before thinking about it. “You’re not the only one to blame, you know.”

The thought hadn’t occurred to her the first time today. Nick had lightly complained about Charlie being stubborn before, how he had actually begged him not to say anything after the disaster on his birthday.

 

“What do you mean?” Nick asked her now and well, Tara hoped he wouldn’t get angry with her.

“I mean, you repeatedly offered to stop this whole thing and he asked you not to. And you should be able to trust your partner when you ask if something is wrong and they say that they’re fine.”

This was a bit of a tricky thing because Tara herself had done the whole saying no, everything is perfectly fine when she clearly wasn’t until Darcy had once snapped and told her to either speak the truth or accept that she would assume that yes, everything actually was perfectly fine.

“But Charlie, he … he always thinks that he’s a burden to people and I just want to make sure he’s okay. Like, really okay.”

 

Tara shifted on her chair into a more comfortable position. “I know you feel like you need to save him right now but he’s an adult, Nick, not some delicate flower.” She didn’t mean to be harsh or abrasive and quickly continued, “I just think this isn’t entirely your fault. And it’s definitely something you really need to talk about because otherwise it might happen again. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but it kind of reminds me about what you told me about your break-up.”

When Nick didn’t answer for a while, she thought that maybe he had hung up on her, maybe she had taken it a bit too far but then he cleared his throat and started talking.
“You might be right. I just … don’t want to blame him when he’s so down and sad.”
“You don’t have to blame him, none of you should blame anyone. You should work on this together.”

 

Damn, maybe she should have become a psychologist instead of a dancer. But university hadn’t really worked out for her and a degree in psychology probably involved spending may too much time at the library. Time she would rather spend spinning around in her pointe shoes.

“I feel like there’s just so much we have to talk about. So much we have to work on.”

“Do you think it’s too much?” This was a loaded question and Tara wasn’t even sure whether it was a good sign that Nick didn’t answer right away or not.
When he answered, his voice was firm. He sounded sure of himself and that was what she had hoped for. “No. I’ll do whatever it takes. If he’s in, I’m in.”

In this moment, Darcy showed up in the kitchen door, hair tangled and messy, her sweater was turned inside out. Tara smiled.

 

“You will make it, Nick, I’m sure of it.” She sounded soft now, she couldn’t help it when her sleepy fiancée looked so damn cute as she yawned and came over to sling her arms around her.
“I love him,” her friend said as Darcy placed a tender kiss on her neck.

“Love and the will to work on your relationship, that’s the most important things. And I’m here for you if you need anything else.”
More kisses met the skin between her neck and her shoulder that was exposed because her oversized shirt had slipped down a little.

“Thank you Tara,” Nick said, “please say hello to Darcy from me, okay?”
He must have noticed she shift in her voice that occurred any time when Darcy was near her.

 

When they had breakfast together, their feet linked underneath the kitchen table, Tara thought about how far she and Darcy had come. How many obstacles they had faced and how sometimes they have had to fight, sometimes to wait and sometimes find a way around them.
How they had learned to accept some things like when they had moved in together for the first time and it nearly broke them and instead of breaking up they had decided to live on their own again for a while before moving in a second time and then it had worked like magic.
It had been a learning curve, it still was. They were young, they would fuck up and probably say things they didn’t really mean and be angry at each other. But they would work it out, they always had.

 

‘… take it slowly, get to know me, won’t say I’m falling but I could ‘cause who knows, it could be good, keep it simple, we’ll let go a little, won’t say I’m falling but I could ‘cause who knows, it could be good’

Notes:

songs mentioned:
BLÜ EYES - stuck in my head
Kat Cunning - Could Be Good

Chapter 37

Notes:

uhm ... this is it. the final chapter.
I knew you didn't want this to end but it felt right for me, you know, it was time. so let's give it up for our boys one last time!

Charlie woke up and even though he must have been sleeping for more than eight hours straight, he still felt tired. Maybe he could just close his eyes again and drift back off to a place where everything wasn’t so messed up. He tried to but the exhaustion wasn’t as severe, his body wouldn’t let his mind escape into nothingness.

So he got up instead. The other side of the bed was empty, not even warm any more and Charlie really didn’t want to think about what that might mean. But then he remembered that Nick had probably gone to a team meeting, he was probably discussing their last game right now.
A noise from outside the bedroom caught Charlies attention. It was a loud thud like someone was throwing something onto the ground. This was bad.

 

He tiptoed towards the door and as he pressed his ear against the white wood, he felt like a little kid who eavesdropped on his parents while they were fighting. The thuds continued and they started to sound rhythmic. What was going on out there?
Charlie opened the door just a little but couldn’t see anything. He took a sharp breath before opening the door completely and … oh.

 

Nick was standing in the middle of the living room, wearing a grey tracksuit and his hair sticking up funnily, and only god knew where he had gotten that football from (okay, it usually sat somewhere in the show cupboard, lonely and forgotten between too many sports shoes) but it was that ball that made the thudding sound every time it bounced onto the ground.

Nick lifted his head, saw Charlie and lost track of the ball which kept bouncing and then rolled towards the sofa. “Hi.”

 

What followed was one of those awkward silences that were inevitable after having a fight. Did they even fight? Charlie wasn’t sure, all he knew was that he had had some kind of breakdown and now he was face to face with the person he never wanted to have a breakdown in front of ever again. So much for resolutions.

“Hi.”

It took another moment of desperate eye contact before Charlie nearly stumbled over his feet as he tried getting to Nick as quickly as possible, lunging himself into the other mans arms. This didn’t solve anything but it felt good to hold him and it felt even better when Nick wrapped his arms around him and held him close, so close.

“I am so sorry.”

 

Nick gently moved Charlie a step away from him, hands placed on the younger mans shoulders and looked him directly in the face. “What on earth are you sorry for, Charlie?”
That was a dumb question, Charlie thought, because wasn’t it obvious?
“For fucking everything up. For walking out on you and for being such a bad -”

“No, Charlie, I will not let you finish that sentence.” A stern look had appeared on Nicks face. It didn’t really help.

“I cried on the subway. I hope no one took a picture of that. Gosh, the PR department is going to -”

 

Nick didn’t let him finish his sentence (again). “The PR department is not going to do anything. I’ve talked to my management and I’m pretty sure some people are getting their notice of dismissal today.” He probably thought Charlie would be relieved now but instead, Charlies face dropped and he felt a bit dizzy.

“Nick, what have you done?”

“What I should have done a while ago.”
“But those people might have families, a mortgage or rent …” Charlie started rambling and Nick tightened the grip on his shoulders.

“Charlie, would you, just for second, please stop thinking about everyone else and put yourself first?”

“Sor-”

“No, don’t even think about saying it.”

 

They stared at each other for a second until Charlie stepped out of Nicks hold. He needed to sit down. This conversation was a lot and he didn’t know what else was to come.
“Shouldn’t you be at a team meeting?” he asked in an attempt to change the topic.

“They’ll be fine without me,” Nick answered and sat down next to him at the kitchen island, “this is more important.”
Their eyes met again and Charlie almost couldn’t stand the earnestness in Nicks face. He quickly looked away. He didn’t like feeling like some helpless boy who needed to be protected or saved.

“We really have to talk about this,” Nick added and his voice and face were a lot softer now. He moved one hand towards Charlies hands that were tapping away on the kitchen island. A few centimetres from him, he stopped and Charlie could feel him looking at him as he kept his own view locked on their hands. Nick moved his pinkie but was not quite touching him.

 

Maybe this moment would become one of those memories of which you never knew if they tasted more bitter or sweet. Because this felt monumental, like everything was possible in those centimetres that separated them. Every good thing but every bad thing as well. Wasn’t it funny how a turning point could feel like a point of no return and vice versa?
Maybe later, when he was much older, he would have forgotten what Nick was wearing or which song played on the radio or if his feet felt cold or not, but Charlie would never forget what their hands looked like in this moment. He would never forget how warm Nicks skin felt as he moved his own little finger to link with his, he was sure of that.

‘… don’t wanna be the one to fuck it up, I don’t wanna scare you away but when I picture the future it looks like us, pray in the morning it don’t fade’

 

-

 

Healing looked different each day.

One day it meant having to go the office building and meet Nicks manager. Charlies hands were sweaty but Nick didn’t let go the entire time which helped. And Alice, who would now be Charlies contact if he ever had to deal with the new PR team again, promised that there would be no more fashion shows, art exhibitions or charity events to attend, which helped too. The sun coming in through the large windows made the room look softer and Charlie could feel relief settling in the space that had been occupied by a weight way too heavy for him.

 

On a Monday, it looked like two men sitting on the sofa in silence, postponing another big talk to some other day, another big talk that would possibly involve tears. Mondays weren’t made for conversations like that.

 

Some days it looked like Nick driving home after a rugby game to fall asleep next to Charlie and then Charlie telling him that it was okay if he stayed at the hotel and his words were soaked in honesty. Not because he didn’t want to be a burden but because it really was okay.

 

One evening it looked like slim fingers dancing over the keys of a grand piano and Nick saying “it’s a good song but I hope you never feel like writing something like this ever again”.

 

It looked like Charlie stressing out about college and Nick worrying about his performance on the pitch, looked like Nick making Charlie a cup of tea and massage his scalp to help him calm down, looked like Charlie quietly singing Nick to sleep and drawing a smiley on to his hand with a sharpie.

 

One Friday it looked like an emergency ice cream delivery.

 

Sometimes it didn’t look like healing at all, when one of them or both of them cried and could only find words that hurt and slept in different beds and needed time and room to think. It didn’t look like healing but it was.

It was about acceptance, more importantly – acceptance of things that were hard to accept. It was about communication and sometimes about silence that was just as loud as words. It was about looking into each others eyes and searching for the will to keep on healing and finding it even on the hard days.

 

It looked like spending time with friends, going to Taos film festival, going wedding outfits shopping with Tara and Darcy, going to see the Shakespeare musical and cheering on Isaac as if he was playing the main part, greeting Miles every time they crossed paths, throwing a goodbye party for Simon, have puzzle nights with Christian and Sai, inviting Otis for dinner, visiting tourist attractions with Tori and Michael and not caring about some paparazzi, calling Nicks mum on the phone and sometimes even Charlies parents.

 

It looked like putting on that song that said when your puzzled heart’s missing a piece or two, that’s good enough for me, I love what’s left of you and holding hands.

It looked like saying just because I carry it well, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy and I don’t need some help which was so hard to do.

It looked like it wasn’t easy because healing hardly ever was.

But they made it.

 

-

 

Nick was sitting next to Elle who was practically vibrating in her seat. “Stop it,” Tao said and nudged her even though his own leg was bouncing up and down.

“Wow, all your nervous energy is enough to power the whole building,” a voice next to them said and Nick looked up and saw Charlie who was grinning too widely for someone who had been kind of an anxious mess all morning. His music course was going to present some of the songs the students had written and this was just exciting as it was nerve wracking but now Charlie stood there wearing his leather jacket and looked incredibly cool.

 

The assembly hall was almost completely full and Nick had already been recognised and asked for pictures and some autographs. It was to be expected after they had finished the season on a very high level and with the possibility of a place in the world championship in France next year.

It could have been way worse though but since the crown prince of Sweden had come out as gay just a few weeks ago, the tabloids were busy writing up article after article about the Swedish royals. Charlie, Nick and their friends had been more than shocked after a picture of Simon – their friend Simon! - holding hands with “the fucking prince of fucking Sweden!!!” (as Tao always called him, exclamation marks included) had been plastered all over every single magazine cover.

 

Charlie sat on the last free seat next to Nick to watch the performances of his fellow students but started twitching in his seat with every song until he had to leave and go backstage before his own performance. “Wish me luck,” he whispered and Nick smiled and put a kiss on to the small tattoo on Charlies hand. “I’m right there with you,” he said and as Charlie made his way behind the stage, Nick looked at his own hand where a matching smiley tattoo was almost completely healed.

 

When Charlie stepped, Nicks heart nearly beat out of his chest. Some flashlight was going off, some smartphones were lifted into the air and probably recording but Charlie didn’t seem fazed. This kind of spotlight looked different on him, it made him glow.

Nick knew all of Charlies song by now, most of them by heart. Some made him sad, some made him dance and some made him want to kiss the other man senseless.
But when Charlie didn’t sit down at the piano but went up to the microphone at the centre of the stage, he was confused. He looked over to Isaac who grinned and seemed to know what was going on as more people came out on stage and one of them sat down at the drums. Elle grabbed his hand and Nick was more than thankful for it.

 

“Uhm, so, this is called The End,” Charlie said into the microphone and then counted down from three and the music started.
Nicks mouth dropped open when Charlie started singing, not because he hadn’t heard his sing before but because he had never pictured his boyfriend softly singing “so this is acceptance, some days you’re gonna feel this numb”, mouth grazing the microphone and his hands holding on to the microphone stand and the curls, the jacket, the lightning, how on earth did all these people in the audience not have trouble breathing?

 

The song took up pace, “one step forward, two steps to hell”, and Nick wasn’t sure if this was one of those sad songs because the lyrics and the melody seemed to speak different languages.

And then. Then the song opened up, Charlie opened up and let such a strong voice flood the room that Nick nearly fell out of his seat. “But this is not the end,” Charlie sang but it sure as hell was the end of Nick who stared with his mouth open, not caring a bit about people possibly taking a picture because he was so engrossed in the man on stage.

“I’m hanging off the edge but I’ll keep holding on, I swear to God,” filled the air and Nick nearly squashed Elles hand in his. “I’ve got a stubborn heart” – yes, you do, Charlie, you really do, Nick thought – “and a voice screaming in my head, this is not the end.”

 

The song was three minutes long and it were three minutes of Nick Nelson falling in love with Charlie Spring all over again. He didn’t care that his cheering was a little too loud, that standing ovations weren’t that common at this type of thing, his heart and his head were full of a man with a stubborn heart and this is not the end, this is not the end.

 

Later that night, after all their friends had gone home and the leather jacket had found it’s place on the floor alongside other items of clothing, later that night they were sitting on the bed, skin enlightened by the moon.

“I’ve got another song I wanted to show you,” Charlie said and Nick shamelessly looked at his bare ass as the younger man got up, left the room and shortly after came back carrying the keyboard. Was there anything better than a beautiful naked man sitting across from you, face scrunched up in concentration as he started playing a melody?

Slow at first but still it seems
That we'll go down in history
As lovers from the start just me and you
I've spent a thousand nights
Lost in your amber eyes
Lost in a place where I know you can see my soul

 

Nick and Charlie had their history, a whole lot of it, one they couldn’t escape and wouldn’t want to either. But there was still so much time to spend together, so much history to make, maybe not one fit for the history books but perfect for their own memories.

 

‘… make me lose track of time, you and your amber eyes, finally found a place that I can call my home’

 

-

 

At twenty-four, Nick was known as the sweetheart of rugby and that was just the start.

 

---

 

You can find my playlist for the story here

I wrote a one shot that accompanies the story here

 

Notes:

songs mentioned:
Thomas Day - The End
Anson Seabra - Emerald Eyes

Chapter 38: Bonus

Notes:

surprise I guess?

set like two years after the main story

Nick was staring and he knew it. His boyfriend knew it too and was giving him a funny look, trying to figure out why the heck Nick was eyeing that one man so intensely.

It wasn’t that the man was Nicks type, even though he was good looking, no, it was something else. The man on the other side of the bar was wearing a leather jacket and something about seeing the material stretch across his shoulders, move with his body and the way the low light reflected on it gave Nick a weird feeling in his stomach.

“Are you into man-buns now?” Charlie had inched closer and whispered directly into Nicks ear, making the little hairs on his skin stand up and feeling all tingly. They were at a point in their relationship where checking out other attractive people wasn’t the cause for jealousness or drama. Some people were hot and that didn’t change just because you were in a committed relationship. “It’s not the hair,” Nick quietly answered and Charlie tilted his head a bit and was staring at the blonde man so obviously that Nick knocked their knees together underneath the table. “You’re staring!”
Charlie just gave him a sly grin. “You started it! Let me see … is it the tattoo?”
The blonde man with the man-bun had a large moth (or was is a butterfly?) tattooed on his neck. Nick could only imagine the pain of getting that done. He took a sip of his beer and leaned back in his seat, watching as his boyfriend kept watching the other dude.

“The skinny jeans? He’s got some great legs,” Charlie guessed and nodded approvingly.
“Has he?” Nick asked and turned to look at the man who happened to look in their direction right this second. Oops. Nothing like getting caught checking out another man together with your boyfriend.

The guy actually started coming over to their booth now and Nick could feel Charlie stiffen beside him. He also saw Otis watching them carefully from a few tables away, always ready to step in.

 

“Hey.”

The man had a warm voice and an accent hiding under his tongue that Nick couldn’t pinpoint.

“I saw you were checking out one of my friends and she started feeling a bit uncomfortable, so …”
Nicks face went bright red which probably wasn’t as visible in the low light of the bar but he could feel his cheeks growing hotter each moment. “No! I wasn’t … I mean …” he stuttered and Charlie was trying to stifle a laugh and being no help at all.
“I wasn’t checking her out, I was looking at you!”

Well, that wasn’t how he had planned to handle this situation but there he was. Charlie was now choking on his laugh and started coughing while the blonde guy rubbed his neck and avoided eye-contact with Nick.

“I’m flattered, I guess,” he started, “but I’m not interested, mate.”

Charlie was in a downright coughing fit, Nicks face was burning from embarrassment and the other man looked like he wanted to leave.
“Right, sorry!” His voice was kind of high-pitched as he talked and the blonde guy wandered off as quickly as possible. Nick tried to recover from this encounter by downing his drink in one go and Charlie had started having a hiccup. “That was (hiccup) so funny! (hiccup)” he exclaimed and well, Nick loved being the reason for his boyfriends joy, wasn’t he?

 

Charlie made a point of mentioning the story to all of their friends over the next week and somehow they forgot to talk about the reason why Nick had been so captivated by the man to begin with.

 

-

 

He was looking for his sweater, the yellow one, the one that brought him confidence and composure and luck. The one his boyfriend liked to steal just like all his other clothes! He had rummaged through his side of the closet first and was now busy going through Charlies side. Why where there so many clothes on the ground? Charlie was the one to hang up all his stuff neatly and he was the one who tossed them on the floor, that was the silent agreement of their relationship.

Something yellow caught Nicks eye and he picked up an item of clothing that yep, it sure as hell was pretty darn yellow but it was some kind of cape? He was just about to let it drop back down but then he saw what had been hiding underneath. A crumpled jacket that Charlie hadn’t worn in ages. The material was dark and soft, no real leather, he knew that, but it caused a shiver to run down his spine nonetheless.

The thought of Charlie wearing this? Possibly with nothing underneath it? Black curls falling everywhere, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, plum lips slightly opened up, pale skin in a stark contrast to the black jacket …

“Nick?”

 

Charlie stood in the door frame, bouncing on his toes. He had been kind of nervous all day like he always was before driving to his home town to visit their families. They would stay with Nicks mum and the house was some kind of safe space for both of them but the upcoming meeting with his parents always made Charlie a bit anxious, even at twenty-six.
“I’m just looking for my lucky jumper,” Nick answered and quickly closed the doors of the closet before giving his boyfriend a reassuring smile. A smile that turned into a frown real fast. “I guess I found it?”
Charlie at least had the decency to look a tiny bit guilty as he was standing there, wearing the exact sweater Nick had been searching for a whole thirty minutes. “You are a dirty little thief!”

Like that had been his cue, Charlie stood up tall, cleared his throat and gestured around with his hand wildly as he said: “Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing. 'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands but he that filches from me my good name, robs me of that which not enriches him and makes me poor indeed.”

“I have no idea what you’ve just said but I know this is because you’re spending too much time with Isaac.”

“It’s from Othello, mind you.”

“Doesn’t make you any less of a filcher.”

 

-

 

Charlie wasn’t stupid. He knew damn well that something was up so obviously the first thing he did when they came back to London was looking through his drawer. There was the scarf that turned out to be more like a blanket or poncho and beneath it … oh.

He hadn’t worn this jacket in a while. But he remembered how each time that he did, Nick had looked at him like he wanted to eat him up. And Charlie could be a nice boyfriend and surprise Nick by wearing the jacket this evening but he would much rather be a little naughty.

 

Having grown confidence has done a lot of good – for himself and for his relationship. Setting clear boundaries? Being able to talk about exes without it feeling weird? Spending time apart because being a couple did not mean being attached at the hip? (Though he did like it when their hips were attached.) Checking out hot people together? Rejecting invitations to charity events or whatever without feeling guilty? Hell yeah, that was what self-growth looked like!
That didn’t mean Charlie never felt insecure. One thing he still struggled with was taking chances he knew he only got because he was in a relationship with Nick. Like the opportunity to spend a day at a really cool recording studio and watching a song coming to life? Of course that had happened only because Charlies boyfriend was kind of a big deal in the world of rugby. But Tao had said that he would be stupid not to do it and – wait! Didn’t he want to come up with a plan to tease Nick instead of getting lost in his head again?

 

That evening, Nick was sitting on the sofa, intrigued by the game of the big TV screen in front of him. Charlie didn’t understand how someone could get into those simulation games where one could drive a train or deliver mail (yes, that was a thing) but apparently his boyfriend was one of those people. Which was fine, everyone found joy in different things! Charlie was about to leave, he wanted to meet up with Darcy who had invited him and Miles (a guy Charlie had met at campus about two years ago and who had become a friend since then) for dinner while Tara was away for the week to be in charge of kids dancing ballet at a summer camp.

He went over to the sofa and Nick paused his game to share a kiss (maybe it were three because one was never enough). Charlie had thought about simply wearing the jacket now but that had seemed too easy.

“Have fun, Char!” Nick called over his shoulder and like always, Charlie forgot to close the door quietly and just let it fall shut which created a thud that was probably audible on the whole floor of the building.

 

-

 

The first step of ‘operation leather jacket’ went like this:

 

Nick scrolled through his Instagram feed as if there was anything actually exciting. Well, those two weird guys called Siegfried and Joy were funny but he could only watch so many videos before – wait! Charlie had just posted a story on his private IG account that the public didn’t know about and Nick was ready to see his boyfriend and their friends pulling faces at the camera. He was right, they did just that but what caught Nicks attention was the jacket Charlie was wearing. The damn leather jacket. Did he already wear it when he had left? No, he would have remembered that.

There was one picture of Charlie pushing his hair back with one hand, the collar of the jacket propped up which made him kind of look like John Travolta in Grease and Nick felt arousal grow inside his gut. Was it wrong to picture his boyfriend dancing to “you know that I ain’t bragging, she’s a real pussy wagon” and enjoying that thought?

 

He sent a fire emoji as a response to the story and debated whether to write something flirty or not but no, this was Charlies time with friends and he would probably wear the jacket when he got back any way so there was enough time for shenanigans then.

 

But when Charlie eventually came home, he was just wearing a normal sweater, no leather jacket in sight. Should Nick ask him about it? Would that sound desperate? Not that he had never kneeled in front of Charlie, begging and sounding quite desperate doing so. But he had never asked him to wear a specific piece of clothing besides his rugby jersey for a game which felt like something entirely different.

 

-

 

It wasn’t the last time this happened.
Like when Charlie went out with Tao to go to the cinema and sent Nick a picture of them walking and pulling faces, Tao throwing up a piece sign and even though the photo was blurry, Nick could see that Charlie was wearing the leather jacket. He wasn’t even in town that evening, he was in another city along with his team mates and they had a game the next day which Charlie wouldn’t be able to attend because his master classes were too important to skip.

Or when some paparazzi took a picture of Charlie a week later after another important game, questioning if their relationship was going downhill because Charlie hadn’t been there to cheer Nick on. Which was a stupid question because the picture of Charlie had been taken on campus ground, Charlie was even looking at some papers while walking so it was obvious that he was busy studying. But that jacket …

The thing was, even though Charlie seemed to wear that thing all the time, Nick had never actually seen him in it in the past weeks. Only on pictures, some grainy, some (like the paparazzi one) in best quality and he felt bad for looking at it too much because the picture had clearly been taken without Charlies consent but he just looked so good.
Nick had asked him once, something along the lines of “huh, thought you were wearing a jacket?” after Charlie came back to the apartment without said jacket when Nick knew for a fact that he had been wearing it a few hours ago. Social media made it easy to look after people and Charlie had been sharing a suspicious amount of photos on his story lately.
“Must have forgotten it at Taos and Elles,” was all his boyfriend had answered and sounded so nonchalant while doing so that Nick felt weird for even asking.

 

The next time he had some alone time and a computer at hand, Nick tried to do some research on why he was so obsessed with Charlie wearing the leather jacket. Typing ‘why do I like it when my boyfriend wears leather’ lead to different results:

1. An article on what turned out to be a website about fetishes and was rather explicit (he closed that one quickly)
2.. Ads for leather pants which he was not into (he had tried picturing Charlie wearing one but that didn’t spark the same heat inside him)

3. So many people asking a variation of his question in online forums and getting the expected unhelpful answers (he clicked through half of them before he had enough)

 

After staring at the screen for several minutes, he re-opened the article on the fetish website. It was insightful to put it nicely. A bit more than Nick had asked for but at least far more helpful than any of the online forums he had found. The most relieving thing to read was the fact that liking leather was so common in so many people that there was no need to worry about not being normal or anything like that. He just liked thinking about his boyfriend wearing a certain fabric, nothing wrong with that! And it wasn’t like he couldn’t enjoy sex without leather being involved.

Sex with Charlie was great. It was fun, clumsy and relaxing or hot, steamy and wild or soft, gentle and deep and always always loving. But Charlie wearing nothing but the black leather jacket while being pressed up against a wall, curls hanging around messily, lips parted, breath heavy, eyes closed, adams’ apple bopping up and down with his face scrunched up in pure lust? That thought made Nicks jeans feel incredibly tight and uncomfortable.

 

-

 

Teasing his boyfriend was all fun and games but Charlie started to get annoyed at not seeing Nicks reaction whenever those carefully posted photos of him wearing the jacket popped up on his phone. He needed to take this a step further. For all he knew, Nick could just smile fondly at those pictures and not think twice about his outfit! Even though he had asked about the jacket once and Charlie had suppressed his grin like a champ.

But tonight he would take it up a notch, he would find out if Nick really cared about him wearing this piece of clothing.

 

They were about to leave the apartment to drive to Sai, a close friend of Nick who was celebrating his birthday. Nick was already putting on his shoes and called for him because Charlie was taking unusually long to get ready. “Charlie?”

Nick went to peek into their shared bedroom where Charlie stood and held up two hangers – on one hung the leather jacket, on the other a beige blazer that looked casual enough for a party like this. “I can’t choose which one to wear,” Charlie said and even put on a little pout.

Nick blinked at him in disbelief because Charlie almost never asked him for such things as fashion advice. Then he eyed the two options carefully and Charlie watched with amusement how his boyfriend peered at the leather jacket a little longer. “Uhm,” he cleared his throat and Charlie chose to not be helpful at all by saying “Wait, I’ll put each of it on and you can tell me which one looks better!” The look on Nicks face was heavenly.

 

He quickly threw over the blazer which made him look studious and preppy like the boy next door in a movie. Then he changed into the leather jacket which … okay, he probably didn’t look like the cool, mysterious dude that rode a motorbike and smoked cigarettes (luckily because smoking was gross and unhealthy) but he felt like he did and maybe that made a difference.

The difference on Nicks face was pretty obvious. He couldn’t pry his eyes off of Charlies body, his tongue darted out to wet his lips and Charlie almost wanted to tell him to come over and kiss him and take him into the bedroom - but no, his mission to drive his boyfriend crazy wasn’t over yet!

“The jacket … looks nice,” Nicks voice was a bit higher than usual and inside, Charlie was giggling and also melting because having Nick look at him like that made him weak in the knees.

“I think I like the blazer better.” He shrugged out of the jacket and threw it back into the closet carelessly.

 

The party was as big and loud as Charlie had expected but he felt secure knowing Nick was there with him and he also saw Christians girlfriend Rebekka who was nice and always down to get out of the crowd for a second. Charlie had learned to leave parties on his own whenever he felt like he had enough. His social battery simply didn’t last as long as Nicks, especially at big gatherings, and that was completely fine. Sometimes Nick went home with him, not because he felt like he had to but because he wanted to (another thing Charlie had learned) and sometimes Nick kissed him goodbye and stayed while Charlie went home to a comfortably quiet flat.

At one time he was standing on the balcony with Christians girlfriend, chatting about video essays they’ve seen on YouTube (“Tiffanys video about the RV family life was brilliant!” - “I am so far behind on her videos because I’ve been watching verilybitchie non-stop, do you know her?”) when Nick came up behind him, slung his arms around him and rested his head upon his shoulder.

 

Leaning back into him, Charlie smiled as Nick pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “I see, you’re having a good time,” he said and nodded at Rebekka who took a sip of her drink. That was his cue! Charlie faked a little shiver and replied, “Yep, I just wished I would have chosen the leather jacket.” He could feel Nick stiffen up behind him. This was working almost too well. “It’s a bit chilly, you know,” he said which was only half-true because the balcony was shielded from the wind that had picked up.

“Do you want my jacket?” Nick offered and only had to clear his throat twice. Charlie leaned back against him a little more, pressed his back aka his butt against Nicks front aka his crotch and shook his head. “Thanks though,” he said and turned his head to give Nick a kiss before talking to Rebekka again who had looked up the YouTuber he had recommended her on her phone. This was fun.

 

-

 

Nicks leg was bouncing up and down while he sat next to Tao, his eyes fixed on the small stage in front of him. Charlie had a small gig tonight with his newly formed band in which he played piano and sometimes sang as the second voice. They were in some kind of hipster bar that only served non-alcoholic drinks which Nick had been a bit sceptical about but they turned out to taste amazing. The stage was still empty and Tao had tried to get him to stop being so fidgety but Nick always was like this whenever Charlies band played somewhere. He wasn’t nervous for them, he knew their music was good but still, he couldn’t keep his leg from moving.

“Would you stop, the whole booth is shaking,” Tao hissed. “Shall I remind you of the time you tore apart a freaking banknote because you were so nervous before Elles graduation?” Nick replied and was gifted with a deadly stare.

 

Then the band went on stage and Nick nearly choked on the virgin cocktail he had just taken a sip of because Charlie wasn’t wearing his usual black button-down. Okay, he was wearing it but most importantly he wore the leather jacket on top of it and with the curls that hadn’t seen a scissor in quite a while and his hands covered in several silver rings (“It fits the image of the band, you know.”), Nick wanted to sprint up to him, grab him and take him home right now.

Seeing Charlie in the jacket was bad enough (or hot enough) as it was but seeing him wearing the jacket while making music which always made that dreamy, passionate look appear on his face? That was almost unbearable.

 

Avery, the singer of the band, always put on a great show. But Nick had no eyes for them as they sang “burning like embers, falling, tender, longing for the days of no surrender” or as they got everyone in the bar to raise their glasses with “I’ll never get to heaven ‘cause I don’t know how, let’s raise a glass or two”. He only looked at Charlie, who leaned over the piano, entranced in the music and how his hands moved over the keys so smoothly. The smile on his face as the crowd cheered them on and how his lips almost touched the microphone as he joined in for the chorus (“To all the things I’ve lost on you, tell me are they lost on you?”). The way the light reflected from the shiny material of his jacket and how he wiped his curls out of his face after the song ended. How his eyes scanned the room and landed on Nick and his grin grew so wide it covered his whole face.

If Nick wasn’t already sure he loved him, he would’ve known now.

 

-

 

“You were so good!” He hugged his boyfriend, lifted him off the ground for a second and Charlie laughed and blushed as if he didn’t know his band was freaking awesome. Nick had been home a little earlier because Charlie had still packed up the instruments with the band.

“Would you let me just change out of my jacket before you attack me?” the younger man asked and was about to take off the leather jacket as Nick stopped him by grabbing his collar. He wanted to kiss him like this, wearing this, just once. Charlie gave him a questioning look but something inside his eyes told Nick that he wasn’t as unknowing as he seemed.

“Keep it on?” he asked and his voice was louder than intended, his face probably went red right this second and he almost let go of the younger man and shrug it off but instead he added “please?”

 

For a split second Charlie thought about saying no. ‘Operation leather jacket’ still had two more very cool bullet points that took him a while to come up with! But no one in the history of humankind could deny Nick Nelson something when he looked like this.

“Sure”, he answered and to his surprise his own voice sounded hoarse. Well, he had been singing on a stage but that probably wasn’t – his thoughts came to a stop when Nicks mouth met his.

The kiss was eager, like something had been unlocked and Charlie felt his back hit the wall as Nick put him up against it. It made Charlie think about something Isaac had told him about his studies. In Germany there had been a movement in literature called Sturm und Drang which translated to storm and urge. He really did spend too much time with Isaac when facts like this came to his mind at a time like this. Nick regained his full attentions by pushing his body up against him, one leg nestling between Charlies legs, pressing against the growing hard-on in his pants.
“Let’s storm to the bedroom,” Charlie whispered as Nicks lips moved down his neck and his boyfriend didn’t question his choice of words. The urge was too strong.

Notes:

sorry if you wanted smut. foreplay only haha

song mentioned:
LP - Lost On You