Chapter Text
Spock came out of his meditation to find blue eyes fixed on him. His heart leapt in his side.
“I dreamed you were in love with me,” Jim whispered, his voice raspy in the quiet of the medbay.
“That was no dream.”
Jim’s lips curved. “Yeah, it was.”
If it was possible to hold Jim’s hand any tighter, Spock managed it. “How do you feel?”
“Like I could burst.”
“If you are unwell I will—”
“Spock.” Jim shook his head slowly. “You must know. I…feel you everywhere.”
Spock automatically began to withdraw, put up his shields. So he was surprised when Jim’s hand squeezed his.
“Hey, don’t do that. Don’t shut down.”
He swallowed. “You had expressed an earlier reluctance to be fully exposed to the bond.”
“I know,” Jim said softly, his tongue coming out to trace his lips. “I used to be afraid of you seeing all my thoughts, all my memories, all that happened to me, all my hopes. I’d be open and bleeding before you and you’d know you were absolutely right to reject me like you did.”
Spock had never known such pain, such shame. “Jim, I—”
“But I realize now that I’ve always been laid out to you, exposed, unable to hide anything about me really, because there’s no one else for me. No one I trust like you, no one I love like you, no one that I want like you. I’m only human, yeah, but with you, that’s okay, because without you I’m only ever half of what I should be. The bond is you, Spock, and I’m not afraid of you.”
Spock brought Jim’s hand to his lips and softly kissed the knuckles there. “You cannot know how much I regret how I acted with you before.”
“Actually, I have a pretty good idea.” Jim winced. “God, Spock, ease up on the guilt.”
“I apologize. It is only that I hurt you and I—”
“I forgive you.”
“But I cannot forgive myself.”
“We’re together now, completely. I feel your love. Let it go, Spock.”
Spock exhaled slowly, nodding. “I will spend the rest of our days together convincing you that I am worthy of your trust and affection.”
“Touch me,” Jim urged.
“I am touching you.” Spock stroked his fingers along the palm of Jim’s hand.
“No. I mean, meld with me.”
Reluctantly, Spock shook his head. “I would like nothing better, t’hy’la. But not until Dr. McCoy has cleared you.”
“Did somebody mention my name?”
Jim’s gaze moved from Spock to over his shoulder at Dr. McCoy. “Hey, Bones.”
“Don’t hey me.” The doctor attempted to push Spock aside. “Let me check you out.”
“I feel better,” Jim insisted.
“I’ll be the judge of that. I have the medical degree after all.” McCoy looked at Spock. “You can release his hand now.”
Spock was not actually sure he could.
Jim gave him a soft smile. “Come over to this side of the bed, Bones. And let Spock be.”
McCoy grumbled but he went to the other side to scan Jim instead of forcing Spock out of the way. “This the way it’s gonna be now?”
“What way?”
“You two lovebirds. Making eyes at each other across the room. Stealing Vulcan kisses. Openly necking in the turbolifts. Exchanging looks while you talk to each other in your heads. You taking his side in any discussion.”
Jim’s lips twitched. “What do you think?”
Bones sighed. “Oh my long, suffering life.”
“I will always be nothing but professional while on duty, Leonard,” Spock said in all seriousness.
Jim smiled. “Ooh, Leonard.”
“Be quiet,” McCoy said to Jim but without heat. “Everything’s looking good. No thanks to yourself.”
“Bones, I had to. That bastard had Spock.”
“You disobeyed the orders of your chief medical officer and got out of bed without authorization. You’re lucky I don’t file a report,” McCoy said, eyes narrowed.
“He had Spock,” Jim said again.
“The doctor is correct, Jim. I do not approve of your endangering yourself to rescue me,” Spock spoke up.
“I’m not sorry,” Jim maintained stubbornly. “And I’d do it again.”
“Jim—”
“I’d do it for you too, Bones.”
McCoy instantly softened. He rubbed the palm of his hand over Jim’s forehead. “You’re an idiot. But you’re our idiot. Get some rest and maybe tomorrow afternoon I’ll release you.”
“Okay.”
“And no mind melds for forty-eight hours.”
Jim pouted.
“You’ll live.” McCoy squeezed his arm. “Spock, go back to bed.”
“I will not.”
McCoy sighed. “Nobody listens.”
“You should do as he says, Spock. You do look tired,” Jim said when the doctor had walked away.
“I do not wish to leave your side,” Spock admitted.
“Spock, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
“Nor am I.”
“Stubborn Vulcan.” Jim smiled. “Then I’m scooting over and you can lie on this bed with me.”
“There is no room,” Spock said, but even he heard the note of hopefulness in his voice.
“We’ll make room.” And Jim moved over in the bed and then patted the space next to him. “I may have to lay on you a bit.”
“That will be acceptable.”
Spock got onto the biobed and then adjusted Jim until he was half-lying on Spock. He wrapped his arms around him and decided there was enough room for them both after all.
****
“I can do this alone, Captain.”
Jim looked sideways at Spock and nodded. “I know. But I want to do it.”
They stepped into the turbolift.
Jim folded his arms in front of his chest. He glanced at Spock. “What are you anxious about?”
“Not anxious exactly,” Spock replied. “It has just recently occurred to me that you are sometimes a better judge of character than I am.”
Jim smiled, raising his brows. “Just recently, huh?”
He was only mildly surprised when Spock stopped the turbolift. It was not really his habit to do so.
Spock was surveying him with singular attention. “You expressed reservations regarding Ambassador Shran’s character when he first beamed on board the Enterprise.”
“Yeah, I did.”
“I found him to be, although perhaps not entirely likeable in personality, relatively harmless and not worthy of deeper contemplation.”
Jim’s lips curved. “I know.”
“You were correct in your assessment of his character as he proved with Ensign Rogers and his subsequent actions.”
“I know, Spock. You came at it with logic and I went with my gut, my instincts.” Jim put his hand on Spock’s chest. “I like to think it’s what makes us such a good team.”
“I would agree,” Spock said. “But in the future I intend to give your instincts more consideration than I have thus far.”
“I wish there was something we could do for Masters.”
“Though he did not kill Shran, he did still murder a man, Captain.”
“He was provoked.”
“We cannot take justice into our own hands however tempting it may be to do so.”
Jim sighed. “I know. I just…it sucks.”
“It is unfortunate.”
Jim thought that was quite the understatement. He went to the lever and released the turbolift. A moment later it opened on the deck which contained the transporter room.
Side by side they walked to the transporter room.
Security was waiting with their prisoner, Shran.
Hendorff stepped forward. “The other prisoners have already been transported down, sir. Only this one remains.”
“Thank you, Lieutenant. Make sure extra security escorts him. I don’t want any mistakes.”
“Aye, sir. I’ll be seeing to it myself on orders of Lieutenant Commander Giotto.”
“Good.” Jim turned to look at Shran.
Shran was staring openly at Jim and Spock, his expression serene, but vaguely insolent. He wore restraints on his wrists. “Is this entirely necessary?” He held up the restraints.
“It definitely is,” Jim replied.
“You think you’ve beaten me, Kirk. But you haven’t. I’ll be back. And when I am, you’d best be looking over your shoulder.”
Spock stiffened, his eyes narrowing, and he took a step forward. Jim put his hand on Spock’s arm to stop him.
“Get him off my ship,” Jim told Hendorff.
Hendorff and the rest of his team moved Shran up to the transporter pad and a few minutes later they were gone.
“I do not like that he threatened you.”
“I know. It’s all right.”
“It is not all right,” Spock said coolly.
Jim squeezed Spock’s biceps. “He’s going to prison. For a long time.”
“Yes. You are going to rest now? I am due on the bridge.”
“Rest? I was going to—”
“Dr. McCoy has you off duty for two more days. You are tired, I feel it. Go to your quarters and rest until I can join you,” Spock said it exactly as if he was giving orders. Jim thought he probably was. “And eat something. You have not had anything to nutritionally sustain you since early this morning.”
Jim sighed. “Okay. But I really want you to fuck me later.”
Spock opened his mouth and Jim felt he was going to protest, so he immediately shook his head.
“I’m fine. I promise. Please?”
Spock quirked a brow. “How am I to refuse when you beg?”
Jim grinned. “You can’t.” He ran his fingers along Spock’s. “See you later then.”
Jim headed to the deck that contained the officers’ quarters. Later he would talk to Spock about advising the admiralty about their relationship status. He’d rather Spock shared quarters with him so they would need to make everything quite clear. Their relationship was not against regulations per se, but Jim knew he would have to be ready with every argument he could think of about their working relationship.
He’d almost made it to his quarters when he spotted Uhura coming down the corridor toward him.
“Hello, Lieutenant.”
She smiled. “Captain, do you think I could have a brief word?”
Jim stopped. “Sure. What’s on your mind?”
“I wanted to apologize.”
“For what this time?” Jim teased.
“Just…my part in keeping you and Spock apart.”
“Haven’t we already been through this?”
Uhura grimaced. “I guess. I just feel that it was inadequate. Spock and I decided some time ago we made better friends than lovers. But sometimes I don’t think I’ve been a very good friend to him and I think I gave him some bad advice. At least where you’re concerned.”
Jim shook his head. “No one is responsible for the problems between Spock and me but the two of us. I don’t fault you and neither does he. Would I have loved to have been with Spock sooner? Of course. But to dwell on the past is to live there and I don’t want to do that.”
She smiled. “I once thought you were a really great captain but not always such a great guy.”
Jim laughed. “You once thought I was a complete shit even as a captain.”
“That was a long time ago,” she assured him.
“And now?”
“Now I think you’re a pretty good guy and the best captain there is.” She touched his arm as she made to move past him. “But don’t let it go to your head.”
Jim smiled, shook his head, and opened the door to his quarters.
In the middle of his quarters was a small but elegant cherry wood table. And on it was a red velvet box with a gold metallic bow. And two champagne flutes. One of which was clearly filled with bubbling champagne but the other had a dark amber color that resembled sparkling apple juice.
Jim didn’t move. He just stared at it. In his wildest dreams he never let himself imagine what could possibly lay in that box.
Then he felt a rush of hope, anxiousness, and affection so strong it took him a moment to realize none of it came from him. All he felt was a sort of mind-numbing shock.
He licked his dry lips.
“Spock?”
Spock came out from Jim’s bathroom and the first thing Jim noticed, probably illogically, was that Spock didn’t wear his usual uniform but instead had on one of his brown meditation robes. He looked casual and adorable in a Vulcany way that only Spock could pull off.
“Good evening, Jim,” Spock said so softly Jim had to strain to hear.
“You-you said you were due on the bridge.”
“Technically that was not a lie as I was, however, I rearranged my schedule and Mr. Scott is currently there.”
“How’d you get in here so fast?” Jim asked, knowing to focus on little details was his way of ignoring that red velvet box, though it was like a beacon drawing his gaze with odd determination.
“I came the other way and Nyota distracted you for me.”
Jim clenched his fists, digging his nails into the palms of his hand, because suddenly he was overwhelmed by so many emotions his eyes began to sting with the effort not to let them water and show just how weak he really was. Love, desperation, desire, hope, yes, but the most prominent emotion was joy and it scared him the most because he could not think of a time he’d felt joy so powerfully. And these emotions…these were his. And if they were misdirected in some way, well, Jim could not take it. Even he had his limits.
His gaze could not be diverted from that table. “Champagne?”
“Yes. And apple cider for me.”
Even with his eyes focused on that damn red box, Jim was aware of Spock’s intent stare. Hell, he was drowning in it.
He was cherished so much and God but he was unworthy.
“Sometimes I can’t stop eating because I’m never full,” Jim whispered. “I hoard food because I’m afraid I’ll never have enough. I’ve been known to eat food out of the garbage bin.”
He swallowed and ruthlessly forced the tears away. He inhaled sharply.
“Other times the thought of eating again makes me sick to my stomach and filled with shame. Because I should have-I should have—”
“Jim.”
He shook his head. “I’ve been sexually abused more times than I can even think about. Because if I do I’ll lose my shit. I sometimes pick fights with bigger guys just so they can kick my ass and I can feel the pain. I drive cars off cliffs. I take crazy chances because sometimes that’s the only way I know I’m alive. I drink too much. I’ve taken illicit drugs. I’ve been under mind control.
Sometimes when I’ve slept with people I couldn’t even feel it. Sometimes I’ve felt it too much until I thought it might consume me. Sometimes I have these nightmares even when I’m awake. I’m petrified you’ll walk away because everybody does but then I’m scared shitless you’ll stay and find out just how awful I really am.”
The tears he fought were pooling in his eyes as he watched Spock pick up the red box and pop it open, holding it out toward him.
Jim didn’t have to look to know. He closed his eyes. “Why?”
Spock’s fingers were on his face, on his meld points. “You are my sun, my las’hark. Without you there is only darkness…Kolinahr.” His fingers gentled on Jim’s cheek. “Open your eyes, t’hy’la. We are already Telsu, you are my adun.”
Jim opened his eyes and stared into Spock’s deep brown eyes, so full of tenderness.
“Will you also be my husband in the ways of Earth?” Spock asked, his voice carrying the very light hint of a tremor. “I would bind you to me in all ways.”
The words wouldn’t come. He wanted to say it, he did. Spock deserved the words. But all he could do was just nod and then bury his face in Spock’s neck.
Spock’s lips ghosted over his forehead. His fingers were still on Jim’s face and he sensed the question.
“Do it,” Jim whispered.
For just a moment he heard “my mind to your mind” like an echo in his head instead of spoken out loud like it had been with old Spock.
Then there was just the tiniest pressure, gone in an instant.
Unlike the meld with the older Spock, Jim was not assaulted with images or overwhelming heart wrenching grief. It was just peaceful and comforting and he felt surrounded by love.
His eyes were closed at first and he was all blissed out, and when he opened them upon feeling Spock’s kiss on his cheek, he saw that he was now laying on the bed, Spock hovering over him, looking down upon him.
“That was nothing like I expected.”
“What did you expect, my James?”
“I guess what I had before. Memories, the past, pain.”
“There are different forms of melds,” Spock told him. “That was an intimacy meld.”
“I like the sound of that.” Jim smiled. He reached up to cup Spock’s jaw. “I never thought it was possible to love this much.”
“It frightens you.”
“A little, yeah. It makes me—”
“Vulnerable.”
Jim laughed softly. “It’s weird to be with a mind reader.”
“I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable.”
Jim leaned up to kiss Spock. “I thought it would, honestly, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t feel like you’re in there harvesting or anything. It’s just…I wish I could explain it. It’s like you fill a hole I didn’t know was there.”
“You have no reason to fear, Jim. I will cherish you for all the days of our lives. We will never be truly parted.”
“Parted and never parted.”
“Yes.”
Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and entwined their fingers. “Now are we going to fuck?”
Spock’s quirked brow was too adorable. “I will always endeavor to fulfill your needs.”
“Oh I need. You. Now.”
Spock kissed him. And then kissed him. And kissed him. He was left breathless, yearning for more, but drawing breaths into his lungs.
“I have never known your equal,” Spock whispered, almost reverently.
His hands moved to the fastenings of Jim’s trousers and it occurred to Jim he no longer wore his boots, though he wasn’t sure when that happened. Probably when Spock brought him to the bed.
Jim decided Spock was being far too efficient and slow in his removal of Jim’s clothes. He shoved a knee in between Spock’s legs and used it for leverage to flip his Vulcan so that he lay on his back with Jim hovering over him.
He grinned down at a clearly startled Spock. “I have my ways of even surprising you.” He yanked on Spock’s robe, pleased when Spock lifted up enough for Jim to pull it off, down Spock’s arms to expose his chest. He smoothed his fingers over the dark fur covering Spock.
He noticed Spock watching him intently and his grin widened. “You’re really beautiful, you know that?”
Faint green spread over Spock’s cheeks. “You are the one who is extraordinarily aesthetically pleasing.”
“Okay so we mutually admire each other,” Jim said, lips twitching.
Spock’s hand went to Jim’s chest over his heart. “I feel your happiness,” he said, awed.
“Well…yeah.” Jim framed Spock’s face in his hands and kissed him deeply, soon slipping his tongue into Spock’s mouth. “Too many clothes, babe,” he murmured.
And just like that Jim was flipped onto his back again and Spock was ripping Jim’s shirt down the middle, tossing aside the remains.
“Something tells me the quartermaster will not be pleased.”
Spock gave him a look then shifted so that he could take care of the removal of Jim’s trousers, then he undid the sash on his robe and let it fall to the floor, fully exposing himself to Jim’s hungry gaze.
Jim licked his lips. “Come here.”
Spock pounced, pinning a naked Jim to the bed, his lips and teeth grazing over Jim’s throat and jaw before dipping down to tug a nipple into his mouth.
Jim moaned and arched up. Spock’s hands slid down his body, stroking, squeezing, closing around Jim’s shaft. Jim’s teeth sunk into his bottom lip as Spock rose above, parting his cheeks.
He found himself flipped onto his stomach, his face buried in the soft pillow on his bed. Spock had scooted down him, once more using his fingers to part Jim’s ass. Jim mewled when Spock’s tongue speared him. He pushed back, unable to stop himself from seeking more.
Wet, slick fingers were added to Spock’s tongue, pushing inside him. It all felt almost unbearably intimate. He had the fleeting thought of that being strange since he and Spock had sex before, but now that they were fully open to the bond, connected, engaged, and everything else under the sun, it left him feeling exposed to his very soul, opened wide, and yet…safe to be so.
He closed his eyes on a moan as he felt Spock’s teeth prick a rounded cheek. Three fingers probed inside him now and it was not enough. He wanted more. All of it. All of Spock.
“Please,” Jim heard himself beg without shame. “Please, Spock.”
Another swipe of Spock’s tongue across his puckered hole. He dug his fingers in the sheets, his body trembling with need and desire.
Rather than enter him right then as Jim expect, he felt himself be turned over once more onto his back. Spock engulfed his cock, instantly sucking him down to the root and Jim keened loudly, clutching desperately at Spock’s hair.
The tongue swirling, the teeth scraping against his rigid shaft was maddening. He would not last, could not.
“Oh God, oh God,” he breathed out, a litany of other words and sounds fell from his lips unbidden, unintelligible, as Spock worked him into a dripping frenzy.
Jim could feel everything, from him, from Spock, they were one, and he felt it all, it was too much, yet never enough.
His balls tightened and his cock let go, flooding Spock’s mouth with his seed. Spock swallowed as much as he could before he released Jim with a rather slurpy sound. Their gazes met briefly, locking on long enough to convey love, lust, eternity.
Spock pushed inside him, wrapping Jim’s legs around his waist as he pivoted deep, thrusting in fast, pounding hard, his skin flushed an adorable green.
Jim was too sensitive, too sated to come again, but he still felt Spock’s arousal, his desperation, his own need to release himself inside of Jim. Spock snared Jim’s hands, entwining their fingers, palms resting against palms as he drove into Jim. A spark, a bright yellow light lit up Jim’s mind, awe-inspiring in its intensity, as Spock shouted his release.
For a long time afterward, Jim simply held Spock to him, Spock’s precious head resting on Jim’s chest. It was all right with Jim if Spock never moved. He would gladly be the Vulcan’s pillow for the rest of their lives.
He threaded his fingers through dark, silky hair. Marveling that he could do this. Whenever he wanted really. Well, probably not on the bridge. He laughed, maybe a little hysterically.
“Jim?”
“I’m just…I love you.”
“I love you as well.”
Jim smiled, petting Spock’s face. “I have a lot of messed up shit in my head.”
“They are only memories now. They cannot and will not hurt you. We will create a future of pleasant ones.”
“You really want to marry me?”
“Yes,” was Spock’s simple answer.
It humbled Jim a bit and made his heart swell.
“And you really want to marry me?” Spock asked softly after a moment.
“Oh yeah.”
Spock moved off him then, rising from the bed. He touched his fingers to Jim’s lips when he would protest. “I am going nowhere. I am only retrieving means to clean us.”
Jim stared at the ceiling, hearing Spock move within his bathroom. Their bathroom as it would be once they married and informed Starfleet. Jim would work on that later when he wanted to move again.
Spock returned, once more dressed in his brown robe, with a damp warm cloth with which he wiped Jim all over. Jim just lay there and let him, too, thinking that in a way it was an example of the ultimate trust to allow someone else to bathe you.
When Spock returned after discarding the cloth in the bathroom, he once more lay on the bed next to Jim, gathering him close. His fingers rested on Jim’s face, not a meld exactly, but a warm buzzing contact between them that was so much comfort and contentment. Jim could definitely get used to it.
“You’ll have to move all your stuff in here.”
Spock nodded.
“There’s even room for your meditation stuff and you can do it in that corner over by the closet. It’s private.”
“Indeed.” Spock’s thumb brushed Jim’s bottom lip. “You never had anything to eat.”
“I know. And I totally didn’t even get one sip of that champagne.”
“You did distract us with your sexual demands,” Spock said with some amusement.
“I have a feeling that might happen a lot,” Jim replied with an unrepentant grin. “You’re super hot and tempting.”
“My temperature—”
Jim’s laugh interrupted him. “Oh stop.” He kissed Spock’s thumb.
“You have regrets.” It was a statement not a question and Jim knew Spock had caught his thought.
“I wish I could have met your mom. Is that stupid?”
“No,” Spock said quietly. “Though illogical, I wish that you could have as well. She would have been fond of you.”
“Fond.” Jim shook his head with a smile. “Is that what you are? Fond of me?”
“No. The depth of my affection goes far beyond fondness,” Spock admitted.
“Well, that’s something anyway.” Jim looped his arms around Spock’s neck, pressing their bodies together. “My affection goes far beyond fondness too. Just so you know.”
“I know.”
“Damn telepath.” He covered Spock’s lips with his own. “Hey, you know something?’
“What, t’hy’la?”
“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”
Spock’s lips curved very slightly. “You learned to say it.”
“I sure did,” Jim said, admittedly proud of himself. “Did I say it right?”
“You most definitely did. And I most definitely reciprocate.”
Jim covered Spock’s hand on his face with his own. “Show me.”