Work Text:
Aurora - Warrior
Have you ever heard the myth of the willow tree?
If you haven't heard, it's good. If you did, it’s also fine. This won’t be about Greek or Celtic mythology either way, believe me, nobody in this particular town likes mythology, they don't even know it. They have their own tales, their own bogeymen, their own ghosts. They don't have fairies or princesses at all, they never liked pretty things.
Rumor has it, the willow tree was a very ancient, very great, magnificent tree in its time that houses were built in its shadow, whole life flowing under it, and yet the willow still stood upright.
However, there was something that bent the neck of this willow tree, even if it stood upright for a century, it could not endure it in the end.
How could such a beautiful tree bear the pain that the heart could not bear?
The willow tree was a hiding nook for lovers for a century. Under the shade of the leaves, covered in the scent of the beautiful willow tree, they would meet in secret. They would wait for each other for hours, days, weeks.
However, none of these lovers could meet, and the willow tree would watch the lives of so many people whose hearts were broken in pieces, and would share the pain of their bitter waiting.
The willow tree is the tree of those who cannot meet.
That's why its leaves are curved like a hand of a human writhing in pain and its neck is bent as if it’s been curled to itself crying. This tree bears a lot of pain, even more than the little bodies of humans can handle, because this willow takes the burden off of lovers’ sunken shoulders. The branches are drooping in bunches because they are home to all the heartbreak and sadness of the lovers who could not meet.
That’s why they call this little seaside town Willow, which makes a living by fishing and always has bad weather. The lighthouse of this town and the willow tree right next to it have seen so many losses and farewells, but not only of lovers. No one who loves each other can ever get together.
This town is home to loneliness and a constant search, the sea whose waves hit the shores in an aggressive way has taken a lot from them, brought none back.
One stormy November night, the sea took Hyunjin’s father from him.
He had a lonely childhood filled with bitterness, but his life was not just about sadness, surely.
Although they had difficulties for nine months of the year, besides all this gloom, this town had the most beautiful summer months. The tidal waves would come to a stop, the sea would rest, their willow tree would overflow with flowers, children would pour into the streets of the town, their entertainment would begin and everything would come alive.
Hwang Hyunjin was a 22 years old boy who left school and focused on working with his older brother in order to take care of his sick mother, born in Willow town and never left it. It could be said that he was relatively boring.
His life consisted only of his mother, his brother, the town's cats and dogs, and his only friend, the sunshine Lee Felix, the joy of his childhood and the glow of his youth, the favourite son of the townspeople, who Hyunjin could never understand how Felix was so fond of a boring person like himself.
Right now, with his head resting on Hyunjin’s shoulder, one of Hyunjin’s earphones in his ear, listening to Aurora, there was his sweet little Felix with him.
To tell the truth, after all these years, Hyunjin still couldn’t understand why Felix was friends with him, he had never left his side even though he had a huge group of friends. Of course in time, Hyunjin had to get used to it either way because there was no way Felix would leave him, which he never did.
He was very grateful to Felix for holding that little broken Hyunjin’s hand and never letting him get lost.
The summer they had stepped into a while ago was starting to make itself felt slowly, and all the melancholy feeling that had been nestling inside Hyunjin was almost wiped out. As the sun's rays fell on the shadow that stained his wounds, his color was getting lighter and his heart was getting lively.
They were sitting on the old bench, on top of the cliff a little ahead of the lighthouse, the sea and the sunset in front of them, the wind blowing. Music playing in one ear, and the symphony of seagulls and calm waves echoing in the other.
"Are you coming to dinner with us tonight?" asked Felix.
He slowly lifted his head from Hyunjin’s shoulder and looked at him, as Hyunjin lifted one leg up and turned his body towards the blonde. Hyunjin pressed a finger to the earphone so that the cable of the earphone would not fall out of his ear because the cable was stretching.
"It might be tea, not dinner.” Hyunjin replied. "I have a date for dinner.”
Curious brown eyes swept across Hyunjin’s face as Felix’s eyebrows rose in surprise, trying to figure out if Hyunjin was telling the truth. Hyunjin loved to observe every expression Felix had on him and after all these time they had spent together, he knew every bit of the blonde’s habits.
“Oh my. What?” Felix said playfully. “Who is it? Your last date?”
If you ask Hyunjin if he had any idea who his last date was, his answer would be absolutely no. God knows why he did throw that lie in order to get out of, again, god knows which situation he put himself in.
"Yes, she's coming to dinner. My brother isn't home tonight."
"You guys are getting serious I suppose?" When Felix took off his headphones, Hyunjin took them off too and shrugged slightly, avoiding eye contact. He watched the sun set.
"I guess."
"If she's coming to have dinner, spend all of your time with her or she'll be upset. You invited her to your house after all, hm?" Felix nudged Hyunjin’s arm with his elbow, laughing meaningfully. When it clicked in Hyunjin’s mind what he was suggesting, Hyunjin looked at him with disbelief.
Firstly, Hyunjin didn’t have a date and never had one. Secondly, he was gay. Thirdly, his heart was not beating for anyone other than Lee Felix, who was staring at him with his big almond eyes.
Surely, only Hyunjin knew all this, and thinking about it made him feel very guilty towards Felix. Even now that he was thinking about how much he loved Felix, a tingling went down in his body and his stomach twisted in discomfort.
"Felix!" Hyunjin said, slapping Felix’s arm. "Don't say such things!"
"Ah!" Felix looked at him holding his arm, still smiling. "What? Isn't it the most normal thing in the world to get close to someone you like? Look at you. Twenty two and you still haven't even held someone's hand."
Hyunjin sensed a reproach in his voice, given that Felix was talking with a different look on his face.
"What’s with that attitude?" Hyunjin said raising his eyebrows.
Felix started grinning and watched him. "Nothing. I'm messing with you, you big baby."
“Says you!”
"What about me? Unlike you, I have experience.” Felix leaned back with his arms folded across his chest and hit Hyunjin with his shoulder this time, still holding the mischievous expression on his freckled face.
"I know what you've done, you're doing nothing but bragging about it anyway." Hyunjin folded his arms across his chest, slid a little away from him, and turned to watch the sea again.
Lee Felix, aged 25, the favourite son of the townsfolk, was also the heartthrob of all the young girls. Of course he’d done everything.
God, this irritated Hyunjin so bad.
Hyunjin felt resentful and plunged into a deep silence when Felix tried to make a joke out of it, his worried voice reaching to Hyunjin’s ears after a few seconds. "Did I make you sad?"
Everyone had a breaking point in some situations, wanting to break free of the shackles their thoughts put them into, to just let it go. Hyunjin had been in the same mood for a while, drifting left and right. Maybe that was why, for the first time lately, he’d been deeply saddened by everything going through between them.
"No sunshine, what's the matter?" Hyunjin looked at him and forced himself to laugh. "I'm just kidding, just like you."
"You know it's not clear that you're joking, I still haven't gotten used to it after all these years." Felix half-smiled as he studied Hyunjin’s face and messed up his own already messy hair some more. "I thought you were upset."
"What would I be upset about you sleeping with girls?" Hyunjin laughed out loud. "That’s weird."
With his hand on the back of his neck, Felix stopped and pressed his lips together. "Oh, yeah.” He said and nodded repeatedly, in thought. "Weird."
Hyunjin didn’t say anything on top of his words because this matter made him nervous, so he stretched his arms back and groaned.
"Thank you for accompanying me today."
"As if I haven't been with you every day for 16 years now, Hyune. How many times have I told you not to thank me? Gosh."
Hyunjin squinted at him as Felix clicked his tongue. “That’s rude.” Hyunjin said, giggling. “I’m trying to be polite over here.”
"That won’t work on me, you little ferret.” Felix tapped Hyunjin’s nose and ruffled his hair, Hyunjin’s lips forming a smile under his warm touch.
"You're still rude, though."
"Hm-hm, yeah. Sure."
Before Hyunjin stood up, he looked out to sea for the last time, as if he could see the boat his eyes had been searching for for years. There was nothing. Felix noticed the sadness in Hyunjin’s eyes so he put his arm around Hyunjin’s waist.
"Let me take you home." He said. "Would you like to choose an outfit together? Let's dress you up nicely, so you can steal her heart. Oh! Could you also introduce me to her someday? I’m kinda curious!”
Felix really didn’t know what it was to let go of a subject. Luckily, Hyunjin was a quiet person and didn’t talk much. Felix knew that, so it wasn’t awkward when Hyunjin didn’t answer or hide things.
That was why he even had a nickname, seashell, Felix called him, because of Hyunjin’s fondness for the sea and the unbreakable shells he knit around him.
Hyunjin didn’t like lying to Felix at all, so he avoided the conversation. “No need today.” He laughed. “Maybe later, I can take care of it now.”
“Oh? You don’t want me to see her? Are you afraid I’ll take her away from y-”
Felix stopped talking when Hyunjin hit him on the stomach with the back of his hand, bent over and started laughing. “I am just kidding! Don’t be mad! I’m sorry don’t hit me!”
Hyunjin hit him on the shoulder again and again, lightly so that he wouldn’t hurt him for real. “You fool!”
"Okay, okay! I will stop talking about it. I know you're going to get really angry otherwise." Felix raised his hands to his sides and looked at Hyunjin with doe eyes, Hyunjin rolled his eyes and turned around, not saying anything.
There’d been a few people Hyunjin introduced to him before as his date but he never knew any of them except Yeji, they were only pretending to be his date. It all was an act, as it was now so that Felix wouldn’t understand.
Hyunjin wasn’t sure when or how he fell in love with Felix. However, he always thought the bond they have was unique, which later on turned out with Hyunjin falling in love with Felix and suffering with this unrequited love. He never had someone else in his mind, this also had absolutely nothing to do with Felix being the only friend of Hyunjin.
Hyunjin had many chances with others, he never took one.
All he knew was how much he cherished Felix.
He possibly couldn’t go a day without seeing the stained blue overalls Felix wore, his messy blonde hair, pretty freckles spreading all over his face and the goofy smile he always carried on, while working at the mechanic shop across the street every morning.
Hyunjin loved hearing how he warbled 'good morning’ to him, eating the sandwiches Felix’s father brought to them during his break around 10 o'clock, Felix picking and eating all Hyunjin’s olives and tomatoes because Hyunjin hated them, the smuggled cigarettes they smoked in the back street, the gossip they did.
All those daily routines.
He adored it all.
The more time Hyunjin spent with him, the more his heart wanted the boy. Lee Felix was the kind of gem that always surprised Hyunjin with his gorgeous personality every second he was around, Hyunjin would never, ever get bored with him, he would want those minutes to never end.
Felix didn’t know what it was to be silent, if Hyunjin was silent and his face was sullen, he would not leave him without hearing his laughter, he would somehow manage to make Hyunjin laugh even if he was crying or whining. If Hyunjin was in a bad mood, Felix would be very glad if he simply lay on his shoulder and cried.
Felix knew so well how to build a big garden from tears and cherish it. He would take Hyunjin’s pain in his hands, create a flower with his soft touch, and hug Hyunjin with all his care.
Lee Felix was a compassionate man with huge heart in his small body, vivid like the sea, kind like the wind, and warm and beautiful like the sunrise.
Once Hyunjin started talking about him, he could talk for hours and never stop. Felix was his beautiful love, hidden paradise, biggest secret that he didn't and will never reveal to anyone.
They stumbled across the stony and rugged path from the lighthouse to the town, Felix in front and Hyunjin behind him, they didn’t talk much on the way; Felix talked to his friends on phone and planned something while Hyunjin listened to him in curiosity. This was their usual, Hyunjin was a quiet person and unlike him, Felix was a social butterfly.
As they walked towards their homes, the sun had completely set and street lights were starting to turn on, with the coming of summer, all kinds of weird-flying insects hovering around the lamps. The weather was getting colder and the short sleeved t-shirt Hyunjin was wearing wasn’t helping at all, he was getting really cold.
He hated the cold.
It became a bit quiet as it got dark, the kids going home to eat dinner, the shops closing, and within a few minutes the teenagers would show up and start hanging out with groups of friends. As always, Hyunjin was going to sit in a corner at home and sketch, thinking of Felix.
He was feeling sad.
When they approached the street Hyunjin’s home was in, he stopped in his tracks under the street lamp where they parted ways. He turned towards Felix while putting his hands inside his pockets.
"See you tomorrow, g’night. Don't be too naughty with your friends.”
"Hah." Felix grinned. "Can't promise." In response to it, Hyunjin rolled his eyes.
Before Felix turned and left, he took a quick look at Hyunjin and took off the cardigan he had tied around his waist, putting it over Hyunjin’s shoulder, before he could say anything.
“I’m off!” Felix ran away. Hyunjin was stunned by the smell of his cardigan, the scent wafting into his nose, and as the wind was getting stronger, Hyunjin watched him disappear with cheerful steps in the street.
Hyunjin felt very sad on his way home, and this sadness deepened as he stepped inside quietly, as he showered and lay on his bed, hugging Felix’s cardigan.
He knew it wasn't Felix’s fault that he didn’t have feelings for Hyunjin, so he had no right to be offended by Felix. But Hyunjin was still waiting for some response, expecting to see a little bit of jealousy from Felix who was so fond of him, to see something. Hyunjin wanted to deceive himself in some way, it was hurting him that Felix was so eager for Hyunjin to date.
When they were at the lighthouse, Hyunjin wanted to look into his eyes and shout out his love for him.
Sure, only in a dream.
The flashing light of his phone caught his attention as he lay in the fetal position, clutching the cardigan and burying his nose on it. He reached out slowly and unlocked it, looking at the notification.
Felix had sent him a photo with his friends.
They were quite crowded, had beers in their hands and some of them were smoking. Felix had said that they would be outside till the morning, that Hyunjin could join them anytime he wanted. Hyunjin only replied with a smile and wished him fun, closing his phone and setting it aside.
He just couldn’t.
Some things just seemed too much for him. It was very difficult for Hyunjin to carry this burden that was getting heavier day by day in his heart. As he got older, he started to understand willow trees much better.
"Hyune, are you awake?”
With a knock on his door, Hyunjin quickly tucked the cardigan he was holding under his bed and got into a sitting position.
"I'm awake.” He said. He couldn't even raise his voice high enough so that his voice wouldn't tremble, but luckily, his brother heard it. He entered Hyunjin’s room, slowly opened the door and looked at Hyunjin, who was sitting on the bed just across the door.
"When did you come? I didn’t notice." His brother said.
"You were sleeping, I didn't want to wake you." Hyunjin watched him walk over to the bed and sit.
They were very similar in appearance, only his brother was taller and larger. They were nine years apart. After losing their father, Hyunjin’s brother became both his father and brother, Hyunjin loved and cherished him so dearly.
"What happened, you look…sad?" When he touched Hyunjin’s cheeks with the tips of his fingers, Hyunjin moved to hug him. His brother quickly wrapped his arms around Hyunjin and kissed his hair. "What happened? Did someone insult you?"
"No, nothing happened… I'm coming from the lighthouse."
"Ah…"
His brother didn’t say anything else. That was it, only a sentence.
I'm coming from the lighthouse.
In Hyunjin’s messy small room, between the walls that were filled with his sky-patterned paintings, Hyunjin hugged his brother for minutes on his bed right next to the window.
His brother didn’t complain, he sat with Hyunjin in the dark while he gently ran his hand on Hyunjin’s back and told him about what he did during the day, how much fish he caught, that the market was quite active these days and that their mother looked better today thanks to her new medicines.
Hyunjin was 6 years old when rough waves took his father from them.
On a cold November night, they waited outside the door until daylight, but his father never returned to them.
Hyunjin’s memories of his childhood were blurry, he remembered most things wrongly or knew by someone else's telling, but this memory was something he would never forget, no matter how many years have passed.
He remembered very clearly how scared he was, his whole world collapsed on him.
He was a little child then, after all.
The concept of death was not clear in his mind yet, he could not grasp what it was and thought it was a temporary situation when his mother had said, "Your father went to the sky, he will live there now. If you miss him so much, watch the clouds and count the stars, he will tell you a tale.”
“Why did he go?” The little Hyunjin had asked his mom. “Does he not love us anymore? Did I make him sad, was I a very naughty child and made him run away from us?”
His young 33-year-old mother, his 15-year-old brother, and 6-year-old little Hyunjin who couldn't grasp what was happening, were left on their own. Hyunjin was so afraid that everything would be gone because his father was gone, that his mother would leave them, his brother and Hyunjin would starve, everyone would hurt them, and Hyunjin would live on a street corner.
That was why every night his brother, mother and Hyunjin used to sleep in his mother's bed, he would not let any of them sleep away from him and he would scream and wail if they tried to. In the end, Hyunjin was deprived of sleep for a very long time, he always had one eye on the door of the house, waiting for his father to come with a smiling face.
He never came.
A friend of Hyunjin’s told him to make a wish at the lighthouse and wait.
So he did as his friend said, making a wish at the lighthouse in the first week of his father's departure, waited for that shabby boat to appear on the horizon every evening as the sun went down.
One day, two days, three days... He waited for days, and his father didn’t come. The fact that he was just sitting there attracted the attention of the children in the town, but no one dared to come near him. They were afraid to approach a child whose father had just died, and they did not know what to say. You can guess who dared to come near Hyunjin.
9-year-old Lee Felix, holding a small ferret.
Since Hyunjin was a very shy, quiet kid, when Felix came, he was so embarrassed, he couldn't even speak for a long time.
Even if he didn't say a word, Felix came to him every day, waiting for his father, watching the horizon with him, and allowing him to love his ferret.
Since that day, they had never been apart, they grew up together. Their friendship was precious, so once they were old enough, it was easy for Hyunjin to fall in love with the beauty of Felix’s heart.
On the bright mornings of summer, the town would be very lively. In addition to the usual vendors and people rushing to work, the shouts of children pouring into the street before they even had their breakfast would echo around. Since it was not possible to sleep with all these sounds, Hyunjin woke up earlier than he normally would.
So he woke up irritated, struggled to dive back in, but failed to do so. After he prepared breakfast for his mother by saying to himself, 'early risers win the day', he left the house with his bag on his back.
While the shouts of mothers calling their mischievous children on the street to breakfast made him grimace at this hour of the morning, he wrapped his denim jacket around his waist. He didn’t even know why he took that jacket before leaving home. He was wearing shorts that ended just above his knees and a strappy t-shirt, he knew the weather would be scorching hot today.
This being said, the hot weather meant he would see Lee Felix in his smeary, white t-shirt sticking to his sweaty body with his overalls pulled down to his hips.
No, his mind was not working that way, seeing Felix like that was a sight that no one could take their eyes off, it was not Hyunjin’s fault.
Seeing that familiar shabby 'Knob Head' sign, Hyunjin straightened himself up, took a glance towards the people who were passing by on bicycles, and then walked briskly to the garage. Felix’s workspace seemed rather busy today, and Hyunjin could see the bustle of Felix’s father and the other new apprentice.
"Good morning, Mr. Lee!” Hyunjin called out with a smile. Felix’s father smiled warmly and answered.
“Welcome Hyunjin! Felix is in the back!" They couldn’t hear each other well due to the sounds around.
"Yeah I saw him! Good luck with your work!"
"Thanks!" As Felix’s father waved his hand and went back to his work, Hyunjin turned and walked over to Felix, who was doing his job carefully, leaning on the car’s engine covered up in dirt. He was frowning and biting his lips, one of his earbuds dangling from his shoulder.
“Good morning.” When he heard Hyunjin’s voice, he quickly took a glance over to the boy and took off his earphones with excitement.
Felix’s eyes wandered over Hyunjin’s body as Felix pulled off the gloves on his hand. Hyunjin couldn’t help but giggle nervously at the sight.
Now where was the hetero explanation for the way Felix looked so attentively at Hyunjin?
"Good morning.” Hyunjin said again, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned his hips against the car.
Unlike his voice, Felix chirped. "Good morning, sleepyhead."
"Sleepy? I got up at six in the morning." It must have shocked him that Hyunjin woke up early. Because usually he would wake up at nine, sometimes getting up at noon.
Felix laughed in awe. "Wow. Is the world ending?”
"Oh, I wish it was." Hyunjin started giggling in response, and Felix gave him a stern look due to what he said.
"No, I still have a lot to live for. So do you."
"I don't think so," Hyunjin squinted in displeasure. "I don't have it as good as you."
"Looks like you got up on the wrong side today, as well as early.” Felix’s eyes lingered on Hyunjin’s lips.
That was what Hyunjin talked about, it drove him crazy that someone whose gaze and closeness he often caught, wasn't interested in him. It hurt his heart to know how impossible it was when it seemed so possible.
He was pretty sure Felix wasn't into men, he had seen what he'd been up to. He always had a girlfriend and never stayed single anyway.
As the eyes at his lips suddenly made Hyunjin more nervous, he tapped his foot and straightened up. "I haven't had breakfast yet," He said. “Come on, let’s take a break now."
"M’kay."
They walked to the back together, and while Hyunjin pulled out the stools, Felix took the wrapped sandwiches from the small cabinet and sat across Hyunjin, opening the sandwiches and changing the ingredients before handing it to Hyunjin.
Felix’s father always thought Hyunjin was eating tomatoes and olives and he was happy about it. But if he saw Hyunjin not eating them, he would get angry and say he was not eating healthy. So Hyunjin pretended to eat.
Felix stood up and poured tea into the Santa mugs Hyunjin got him as a Christmas present years ago.
"You didn't tell me what you did with your date the other day," Felix said as he sat down again. "I know you don't like to talk about your life very much, but am I not your best friend? I'm a bit upset. No lies.”
Hyunjin paused as he took a big bite of the sandwich and just watched Felix beginning to eat quickly. Hyunjin didn't say anything for a while as he chewed the bite in his mouth and avoided looking at Felix, glancing at the smoke of the tea.
"Nothing significant happened," He simply said.
"It doesn't have to be something significant to tell. You don't even tell what you simply did. I don't know what kind of person she is. I don’t know who she is or what her name is.” He sounded angry.
"Are you really upset about this?" Hyunjin felt like he wouldn't be able to eat the sandwich, the thought of upsetting Felix crushed him so suddenly. He slowly put the sandwich over the napkin on the table, took the mug in both hands and cleared his throat.
"Of course I am upset, I'm your best friend. Am I not?" Said Felix, watching him.
"You are."
"Well, I always tell everything to you. You used to…tell me everything too. You are acting different lately. Did something happen, did I hurt you unintentionally? Do you hate me?"
"Felix, you’re over dramatizing it. It has nothing to do with things you’ve said.” Hyunjin looked at him bewildered and with a little panic, luckily Felix was someone who always clearly told how he was feeling and he never concealed it from Hyunjin. Otherwise, Hyunjin definitely would never understand, he would just mess things up even more. Losing Felix… Was something he definitely couldn't handle, he couldn't even handle to hurt him at all.
"You never hurt me. I don’t hate you." Hyunjin continued.
Felix didn’t answer. He continued to eat, so Hyunjin took a sip of the tea and studied his face. "Yeji," Hyunjin muttered the first name crossing his mind. "I've been seeing her for a while."
That was also a lie, but not entirely. Even if Hyunjin didn't date her, the part of seeing her was true. There wasn’t anything romantically involved but Hyunjin and Yeji had… Some kind of a connection, she knew something very important about him.
A few months ago, when Felix showed Hyunjin his girlfriend and introduced him to her, a sudden realisation hit Hyunjin.
That he would not be able to live with Felix for the rest of his life, that in the end, everything was bound to change because Felix was not homosexual, he was going to marry someone whom his parents also would accept, he would have children and grow apart from Hyunjin.
Hyunjin didn't know what to do and how to feel. He had been looking for people to see if maybe he could love someone else, he was afraid that people – especially Felix, might find out about the fact that he was gay and get disgusted at the fact, so Hyunjin wanted to try his chances again, to see if he was bisexual or simply homosexual.
He met with Yeji at that time.
He thought she was really beautiful and interesting. She was a woman who attracted the too many people, she even attracted Hyunjin, almost.
During a small party, when Hyunjin was tipsy, they came across each other and flirted, which ended up with Hyunjin taking her to his house. He was nervous, he had no idea what to do and how to do it and most importantly, behind the corners of his mind, he didn’t really want it.
And so, he couldn't do anything other than kissing her. Even the kiss was, well, friendly. There was no passion in it, there was nothing sexual. So that Hyunjin didn’t even get hard no matter how much he tried. It was such an embarrassing moment for him.
Then he sat down and started crying, thinking that Yeji was going to hate him and insult him, and was going to say that he humiliated her. But she acted the opposite and calmed Hyunjin down, said nice things and did not leave his side until morning. They lay on Hyunjin’s bed naked and talked for hours, it was the first time Hyunjin had talked to someone about his homosexuality and it felt so good.
Yeji was the same. She said she never liked men, that it never worked for her but she wanted to try it one last time, just like Hyunjin. It was such a sweet, and weird, encounter for them.
Since then, whenever they were feeling blues they would meet, have a beer or two and hang out for hours. There was this kind of bond between them, even though Hyunjin didn't know her very well, he trusted Yeji so much, just like Yeji trusted him.
Upon Hyunjin’s reveal of his supposed date, Felix was very surprised.
"What?" He said. "Yeji?" He repeated.
Of course he knew her. Just like Felix, she was one of the favorites of townsfolk.
“Yeah, Yeji. The Hwang one. Same as me.” Hyunjin was looking calm on the outside but he wanted to cry, so bad.
"Oh." Felix didn’t know what to say for a while, raising his eyebrows. "Now that’s definitely a surprise. How could you hide this big news from me?”
"I don’t know, it didn’t seem like a big news. It’s no biggie.”
“It is!”
When Hyunjin raised his eyebrows at his constant persevering, Felix stopped, raising his hands to the sides. "Okay okay." He said with a laugh. "I was just kidding. Wow, Yeji. I wouldn't expect any less from you."
"There's nothing between us." Hyunjin shook his head and set the empty mug on the small table, literally finishing the boiling tea in seconds because of his nervousness.
At what he said, Felix naively watched him, "No shit,” He said. "What happened?"
"It's okay, we're friends. We decided it would be better that way." Hyunjin sighed.
It was not possible otherwise.
"I don't want to get close to anyone for a while, it's tiring." He continued.
"Is that why you look pale these days? Did she make you sad? If you need a distraction, let's have a drink with my boys one day, you'll have fun."
"No, it's not that, I'm usually tired anyway." Hyunjin cleared his throat and collected the crumbs on the table, not knowing what to do. "You know I don't like to be in a crowded place."
"You've never tried it, how would you know? My friends aren't such annoying people, really. They won't bother you even if you sit next to us without saying anything. It will be perfect, you have my word!" Felix was looking so eager with his big eyes that it was impossible for Hyunjin to say no to him, it was impossible.
"Maybe one evening."
"That’s it!" Hyunjin chuckled when Felix suddenly clapped his hands, acting like a child despite being three years older than Hyunjin. Felix had never lost that liveliness in his eyes, always as bright as the day Hyunjin met him.
Lee Felix was truly his light.
"Why are you always so eager to have me around you? I'm not that funny, I'm easily offended and I get angry, I don't get jokes. Like, my humor is beyond worse. You won't have fun with me."
Felix looked at him as if he had said something unspeakaby horrible to him, for a moment Hyunjin really thought he had said something wrong. He was about to apologize when Felix talked.
"Now you're really being dumb,” He said. “I always have fun with you more than I've ever had with anyone."
I always have fun with you more than I've ever had with anyone.
His heart was beating too hard.
"Thank you..."
Felix hit Hyunjin on the head, of course he didn't hit that hard. He had never hit Hyunjin in a way that would hurt him. Most of the time he would touch Hyunjin with his fingers as if he was too fragile, like a daisy whose petals would fall little by little even with a small nudge.
Hyunjin couldn't help but chuckle as Felix hit him on the head, Felix definitely didn't like Hyunjin thanking him or apologizing to him at all.
Hyunjin cleared his throat. "I have a lot of fun with you too," He added. "Really."
"I know. Who wouldn't have fun with someone as gorgeous as me?" Felix grinned at him, and Hyunjin rolled his eyes.
"Felix!" The moment they heard his father calling, they both stood up and looked in that direction. He was waving the stained cloth in his hand, signaling Felix to come. "Come on, let's finish off this Mustang!"
"I'm coming!"
Felix quickly reached over the table to pick up the trash but Hyunjin pushed his hand because he wanted to tidy it up. Even this slightest touch of their fingers made Hyunjin shiver.
He stood up slowly and nodded towards Felix’s father. "I'll clean it up, you go."
Felix threw his hair back and gave Hyunjin a beautiful smile, his eyes almost sparkling. "Okay. Will you go to the docks?"
"I was thinking of hanging out here for a bit today."
"Really? Like, for real?" Hyunjin couldn't help smiling at the childlike enthusiasm in his eyes, starting to clean the table with his head down so that Felix wouldn't see his fond smile.
Hyunjin sneaked a glance at him as he cleaned the table. "Yeah," He said, but his voice wasn't loud enough, so he repeated. "Yeah, I want to sketch a bit."
"Duh, you and those sketches you never show me." Felix rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. He looked like he was checking on his father. Hyunjin just laughed to let the topic drop, got up and hopped on the box on the side to sit.
"Go back to your work."
"Oh, yeah. I am tired…”
While Felix whined and walked over to his father, Hyunjin carefully took out his sketchbook from his bag, of course he wouldn't show Felix his drawings because he had filled all his sketchbooks with Felix’s sketches for years.
He loved drawing Felix. He loved watching and examining every part of his body and putting them on paper.
For instance, when he was talking to his father, Hyunjin loved his beady eyes, which were constantly widening, his trembling eyelashes and heart-shaped lips that Hyunjin absolutely loved.
His frowning eyebrows while repairing cars, and especially the times when he pulled off his shirt, showing every part of his pretty body and muscles.
He was well-built, due to working long hours with cars and constantly carrying heavy things, he was not so muscular but they were pretty much visible and he was definitely stronger than Hyunjin, who did nothing but sketching and occasionally, fishing.
All of these was spinning in Hyunjin’s mind as he drew him, carefully taking glances over Felix’s figure leaning over the engine of the car, making Hyunjin sweat even more as if it wasn't hot enough from the running machines inside.
Hyunjin tucked a pen behind his ear, nibbling at the top of the other pen between his fingers and glanced sideways at Felix, who was sweaty as hell, leaning his hands on the hood of the car and sneaking a glance at Hyunjin. The moment their eyes met, they both went back to their own business with a slight, coy smile.
Hyunjin was on fire as if he was the one working on this hot day. No, it was definitely not Felix's fault. It certainly wasn't.
Hyunjin tried to close his sketchbook nervously when he realized that Felix was advancing towards him, drying his hand with a stained cloth. But before Hyunjin could put away his sketchbook, Felix quickly took it and hid it behind his back.
“Gotcha!”
"Hey!" Hyunjin shouted, trying to reach his back to get his sketchbook back. "Give it to me!”
"Take it then." As Felix backed away with a grin, Hyunjin hurriedly grabbed him by the arm and tried to reach his sketchbook again, but Felix was quick to set himself free and giggle.
"Let me see what’s inside!" Felix continued while Hyunjin grabbed him by the waist harshly. "Just once please! Pretty please!"
"Felix give it back! Fuck!"
"I want to take a look!
"Felix!"
When he started laughing out loud at Hyunjin’s panic, Hyunjin paused and looked at Felix, not even realizing how close he had gotten to him as he struggled in panic to retrieve the sketchbook.
Hyunjin was holding his thin waist tightly, his one leg between Felix’s legs and inappropriately pushing up against him and their faces, almost only an inch apart. Felix’s warm breath was caressing Hyunjin’s cheek and he had a mischievous smile, which brought Hyunjin back to his senses.
Felix’s one hand was still at his own back, reaching as far as it can go so Hyunjin wouldn’t be able to catch his sketchbook, his other hand was gripping Hyunjin’s shirt to not fall back and he was… He was literally giving all his weight to Hyunjin’s leg and Hyunjin could swear he was feeling Felix’s bottom parts on his leg.
His blood rushed to his head, which head god knows, but Hyunjin was definitely embarrassed and even though he definitely didn’t want to admit this to himself, very aroused at the same time.
"You're so mean.” Hyunjin said, quickly pulling his leg off between Felix’s thighs and taking his hand off. "Can you, please, give me my sketchbook back?"
Unlike Hyunjin, Felix didn’t withdraw his hand from his shirt, still gripping tight.
On the one hand, Hyunjin’s heart, which was pounding hard against his chest because of the closeness between them, and on the other hand, the fear of Felix looking at the sketches, was killing him.
"I know you drew me." Felix said, his eyes travelling over Hyunjin’s red face. "That's why I kept posing to you. I want to see."
"I've never drawn you before!"
"Did I say you drew me before, you idiot? I said I know you did today!" Felix stepped back, tapping Hyunjin’s sketchbook lightly on his head, clearing his throat. He had given up and was obviously flustered.
Hyunjin took his sketchbook back and swallowed hard, noticing the way Felix was more sweaty than before and his cheeks all flushed red.
They both exchanged awkward glances as they backed off from each other.
That was what Hyunjin didn't understand. Maybe he understood but kept ignoring. Hyunjin couldn't see him as only a friend and because of this, he was acting strangely, getting affected by him.
But why did Felix too, often acted just like Hyunjin?
Hyunjin couldn't understand all those sneaky glances, his small but subtle touches, the hidden smirks. Maybe Felix was like this to all his friends, this was what Hyunjin wanted to find out and this was also the reason he accepted to hang out with Felix and his friends.
He needed to see it for himself.
If he was treating them the way he treated Hyunjin, it would mean that Hyunjin was no different in his eyes, and deep down he was terribly afraid that this would happen.
While Hyunjin was playing with the sleeve of the denim shirt he tied around his waist, he looked everywhere but Felix. He didn’t know that to say and it seemed like Felix was the same.
After a few seconds, Felix slowly reached out to Hyunjin’s notebook again and this time Hyunjin reluctantly gave it to him. He could swear he was feeling his heartbeat in his ears, he was so scared to see Felix’s reaction that he kept his eyes closed.
When Hyunjin heard him say, oh, his eyes widened and he looked at Felix with horror.
He was looking at Hyunjin’s drawing with his widened pretty eyes. "Oh my god, Jinnie… I never knew you could draw so well. How could you draw with such detail in such a short time? Oh my… Damn, my muscles look this good?” Felix laughed, he seemed overjoyed.
Smiling, Felix reached over and hugged Hyunjin, ruffling his hair, "How dare you hide this from me!"
Hyunjin was relieved that Felix liked his sketch but still timid at the same time. "I didn't think you'd like it..."
Felix looked at him with his still wide eyes when he pulled back. "It is impossible for someone to not like this. And me? I think I’m in love with this. My Jinnie, can I please, pretty pretty please, pleaseee have this?”
My Jinnie.
He would often say that to Hyunjin, and at those moments Hyunjin would bite his lips as hard as he could so that his eyes wouldn't tear up. That was such a pretty way to address and Hyunjin, he loved it.
Hyunjin swallowed hard as he tortured his lower lip, luckily Felix wasn't looking at Hyunjin but to his drawing, otherwise the situation could’ve gotten weirder.
"I don’t know I’m…” Hyunjin mumbled. “Okay, you can have it. If you want more... I can draw something else for you, so if there's anything you want... I can draw anything you want.” He knew he was babbling, he was utterly overwhelmed.
"Don't be so shy and modest with anyone but me, okay Jinnie?" Felix put his hand in Hyunjin’s hair again and stroked it gently, this time looking intently at his face.
Hyunjin couldn't help but shrink on the place as if he was naked in front of him, seriously, Felix was now holding his sketchbook that he had kept hidden from him for years. It was impossible to not get scared out of his wits.
"I'm not…”
"I hope so. Can you sign this for me?"
"Felix, am I a celebrity in your eyes? What sign? What will I sign this as? My dear fan, thanks for loving my works, kisses from Hwang Hyunjin to Lee Felix or something?"
"It could be.” Felix was dead serious and Hyunjin was about to burst out laughing.
"You are an idiot."
Hyunjin rolled his eyes and took the sketchbook from Felix’s hand. The pen that he had put behind his ear had fallen down, so Hyunjin bent down and took it. Felix was giggling and watching him excitedly.
Hyunjin thought for a while about how he could sign it, he was seriously going to give his childhood sweetheart the sketch of him with his sign and Felix was most probably going to hang it in his room.
Seriously, what the fuck?
"Well, what are you going to write?"
"Hush, I'm thinking."
"Okay, I’m hushed." Felix pulled the imaginary zipper on his mouth, locking it and handing the lock to Hyunjin. Hyunjin pretended to take the lock and swallow it in a very serious way, ignoring Felix’s giggles.
He wrote for my sunshine on the paper and signed it. Then he carefully separated the sheet from the wires and handed it to Felix.
"I signed it," He said. "Don't say a word about the thing I wrote or else I'll strangle you right here."
Felix didn't even say a word, he didn't even open his mouth when he took and looked at the paper Hyunjin handed him. His lips trembled slightly with tender smile, and a familiar expression settled in his eyes.
It was the same kind of bittersweet expression Hyunjin saw when he looked at himself in the mirror, with a little glimmer of excitement.
Sailors have ill-starred fates.
Around the town Willow, sailors were known as both madmen and heroes. Everyone would say that it was not fit for everyone to sail into such a sea, no matter the weather conditions, the sea was always rough.
You may say, are those people out of their minds to put themselves at such a risk? That is, for sure, a good question.
Maybe they are, who knows.
For those who had families like Hyunjin, it was an irreplaceable feeling to jump on the boat and sail somewhere far, to breathe in the salty smell of the sea, to listen to the sounds of seagulls, to stay alone in the middle of nowhere and dance with the wind.
Contrary to the point of view of others, this was not something unusual for them, it was an everyday occurrence. Exceptions do not change the rules, you would not find a single sailor with an active social life there.
The biggest example was probably Hyunjin.
There was also a superstition – which Hyunjin attributed it to his misfortune, it was said that sailors do not smile. That their lives would be short, their luck would run out quickly, they could not build a family. Looking at Hyunjin, it was kind of true.
Anyways, in short, Hyunjin was nauseous.
"Since when did this boat is rocking this much? Am I in a crib?"
Hyunjin turned his eyes towards his brother, who was speaking and saying the same things Hyunjin was thinking of, at the same time trying to protect his balance while struggling with the fishing net. Hyunjin couldn't help but laugh at him.
While he was fishing and fighting for his life there was Hyunjin, sprawled in his seat, lost in his thoughts, enjoying the breeze.
"Come and help me out, you little imp!” His brother whined.
"Haven't we caught enough fish? Let's go back already!” As Hyunjin got up from his seat, he walked towards his brother while holding on to the sides. Their boat was neither too big nor too small, they could comfortably fit six or seven people in general. "I'm starting to feel nauseous, the sea is horribly sloppy today."
"I told you not to come."
"No way I would send you alone here." Hyunjin threw the caught fish towards the buckets while he was helping to clear the net. "I'm sorry.” He said to the fish falling into the water in the bucket.
His brother tidied up the net and tucked Hyunjin’s head under his arm, making him crouch down, messing his hair up. "Now now, stop apologizing to the fish."
"I don't like fishing."
"This is all we have left of my father."
Hyunjin nudged him hard to get rid of his arm and just stared at him. "I know," He said as he fixed his hair. "It would be nicer if there was a shop or something else left though."
"Like that Felix of yours? His pops got a nice shop." Laughing, he walked towards the engine and started it, and when the boat started to move, Hyunjin settled back in his previous place to not fall down.
"That's right, like that."
"How many times have I told you to go work there…" Sure thing, as if Hyunjin would work there and see Felix like that everyday for hours.
"I hate repairing things. And I hate cars.. I'd like to sell trinkets, I don't know, souvenirs or something like those.
"Well, go work at the neighborhood market then." He was really giving Hyunjin ideas with enthusiasm, but Hyunjin kept saying no to everything he said, at the same time enjoying the wind blowing his hair, water splashing on his face.
"No, I don't like to be around people either. It's best if you throw something in front of me and I draw it.
"As if you can earn money with art here."
"That's why I became a fisherman. At least I wanted my father to smile, because we surely don’t smile. I know you let go of your dreams, you always wanted to be a singer."
Hyunjin watched him with a smile when his brother only shook his head and remained silent, and Hyunjin spoke no more. Maybe he made him upset by saying this, judging by the expression on his face, he seemed to be really sad.
Being a sharp-tongued person didn't do much for Hyunjin, but luckily he didn't care too much.
When they arrived back at the dock, Hyunjin helped him take the fish they caught out of the buckets and put them in the boxes, and Hyunjin threw a couple of small ones back to the sea, without his brother knowing. He didn’t want little ones to die. He named one of them Nemo, sending it back to the sea so its father could find it.
"Thank you, I'll take care of the rest Hyune."
"Let me help you carry those." Hyunjin tried to pick up one of the boxes, but he was stopped by his brother's arm.
"Go take time for yourself, you've been with me since early morning. You didn't even go to Knob Head today."
That was right, Hyunjin had skipped their years old routine for the first time ever. And he didn't even know why.
After that look that Felix gave him in the shop a few days ago, something bittersweet nestled inside of Hyunjin, although they continued to hang out as usual. Hyunjin woke up feeling extremely overwhelmed and he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle hanging out with Felix today. So he followed his brother because he needed to be alone with himself.
"Are you upset, why that face?" His brother came up to Hyunjin with a worried expression and put his hand on his little brother’s chin.
Hyunjin quickly concealed the expression on his face, gesturing that nothing was wrong. Of course, his brother didn’t take the bait.
"Shall I come with you?" His brother asked.
Hyunjin smiled in response to this sweet gesture of his. "No need, I want to be alone."
"As always."
Hyunjin giggled like a mischievous child and gave him a light hug, then left for the lighthouse. As he shuffled along the paved road, he was wondering if Felix would be there.
Another thing they didn't miss every day without exception was this. But Hyunjin could understand if he didn't come because he didn't go to Knob Head in the morning. He had no right to be angry with Felix in any way.
Since it was evening, Hyunjin expected the air to cool down, but it was still burning hot, not to mention the humidity since they lived in a seaside town. Hyunjin was sure that his hair was getting all frizzy.
As he started to climb the dirt road to the lighthouse, he was thoroughly uneasy about whether he would see Felix. He was so nervous that sweat was dripping from his face, including his hands.
While holding the hem of his shirt and wiping the sweat from his face, Hyunjin reached the area in front of the lighthouse, and when he saw the willow tree whose leaves were swaying around, a smile came to his lips.
He felt like he couldn't look towards the bench for a moment, walking slowly, Hyunjin was really scared of not seeing Felix there. The gloom of the whole day was heavy, as if at that moment it was nailing Hyunjin to the ground with all its might.
But Felix was there.
He was sitting on the bench as usual, earplugs in his ears, slowly bopping his head to the music, waiting for Hyunjin. The moment Hyunjin saw him there, he took a shaky deep breath, so deep that he got dizzy.
"Felix..."
Hyunjin tucked his hair behind his ears as he slowly walked to the bench. Felix’s back was facing towards him and it was obvious he couldn’t hear Hyunjin because of the earplugs.
Hyunjin didn't want to scare him, he was quick to get startled. So instead of approaching behind him, Hyunjin went to the side and walked towards him so that Felix could see him with the side of his eye. Which worked perfectly as Felix quickly took his earphones off, turning to Hyunjin with a worried expression.
"Jinnie, did I do something wrong?" As Hyunjin was about to sit next to him, he couldn't help but be stunned by his question.
"What?"
"Why didn't you come this morning? I'm not mad at you, don't get me wrong. I was scared. And you never answered your phone." Felix’s voice was, almost, shaking.
"Ah..." Hyunjin quickly reached for his phone in his pocket, only to notice that his pockets were empty. “Shit. I forgot it at home. I never noticed."
Felix slid towards the corner to give Hyunjin some space to sit, and Hyunjin sat down to the farthest spot from Felix. Felix wasn’t taken aback by the situation, instead he quickly neared Hyunjin and stared at him intently, as if he was sensing Hyunjin’s uneasiness.
"It's okay," He said, his warm breath caressing Hyunjin’s skin. "You didn't answer my question."
Hyunjin couldn't look his way, Felix was too close to him. Hyunjin tried to breathe calmly as he wandered his eyes over the sea, it was pointless for him to be so nervous.
It was Felix, his best friend. Even though Hyunjin was hiding something big from him, Felix said Hyunjin was his closest too, and they grew up together. Why was Hyunjin so afraid of him?
"You didn't do anything wrong." Hyunjin shortly said.
"Well, what happened? Why are you like this? You're lost in your thoughts, I know you well enough to understand that." He poked Hyunjin’s nose.
"It's no big deal, really. I was with my brother all day, we were fishing. Now he took them to the market. There are plenty of fish these days, no one comes back empty handed. But this is so sad, you know? I wish nobody fished. I set a few of them free, my brother almost noticed. I’m glad he didn’t though."
Hyunjin started giggling when he saw Felix really listening to his babbling with interest. So he continued.
"I swear he would send me to the sea with the fish. Seriously Lix… I wish we could earn money in a different way so we wouldn’t have to fish. What else could my family do though? We know nothing but how to fish. So we just have to. Don't look at me complaining like this, I'm actually quite…happy. My problem is…different from that.”
Hyunjin thought that he talked enough, so he stopped. But he loved the way Felix listened to every word he said with such a serious expression. He was cute.
“I don’t exactly love working in a mechanic's shop either,” Felix said, putting his hand behind Hyunjin and playing with his hair. "I get really bored when I work, but I go there running. I like to have breakfast with you in the morning and it's good to be able to earn my own money and save some. It's also fun to watch people's rush during the day. We are the first stop of the tourists, too. It’s funny. Their cars always break down on the road." He started laughing.
When Hyunjin heard him laugh, he turned towards Felix only to met his gaze.
"But still, I would never want to leave this town." Hyunjin said.
"Me too."
"Why?"
Felix continued to stare at Hyunjin without saying anything, continuing after a while. "I could ask the same."
Hyunjin didn't answer either. Felix looked as if he knew Hyunjin’s answer, as if he could understand Hyunjin even if he didn't speak at all.
“Jinnie,” Felix said after a while, and Hyunjin reflexively replied with a small hum. "Do you think we," Hyunjin’s heart stopped for a moment as he continued, "Do you think we are free?"
"I don't know. Where did you come up with that now?"
“When I watch the sea, I always feel free. Are you like that too?”
"Rarely. I… I don't think much about the concept of freedom."
Felix lowered his hand from Hyunjin’s hair and placed it on his shoulder, playing with his shirt. Hyunjin slowly pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, resting his cheek on his knees and continuing to watch Felix.
The setting sun hitting his freckled face, no different than a painting.
"Why? Felix asked.
"It doesn’t matter what I think. There is nothing I can change."
"There is. You can change your own life however you want." Felix slowly pulled his arm away and sat down just like Hyunjin, resting his cheek on his knees and watching Hyunjin.
It made Hyunjin’s heart skip to sit like this, like out of a romantic movie.
"There's only one thing in my life that I really want to change. But no, it's not something I can change." Hyunjin sighed. "Lix… If we're free, why can't I live the way I want? There's so much I want to say but… I can't. Sometimes I feel lonely."
"You are not alone. I’m with you."
"I know... But that's not what I'm talking about. At the end of the day, I'm the only one standing alone with the burden in me. I'm the one who is crushed under this burden. If I tell it, no one will understand. No one will listen. And it doesn’t matter, like I said, at the end of the day I’m the one in pain.”
"Try to tell. Just once."
"It's not that simple. Look, I'm really happy with my life. I have a home, I can do whatever I want, I have a mother and brother that I know will stand by my side no matter what decision I make. I have you. It’s just..."
Felix’s gaze was so soft that for a moment, Hyunjin felt as if he was crushed by everything he said and was going to say. Hyunjin swallowed repeatedly because of the lump in his throat, he knew his eyes were about to tear up. But he continued.
As the roaring sound of waves filled his ears, the heaviness in Hyunjin never eased until those four words spilled from his lips.
"I just want to be loved."
Love heals, they say.
Loving someone would urge one to be a better version of themselves.
Sometimes a person would take all the love they cannot give to themselves, and direct it to a single person, and at such times, they would do all those things that they wanted to do for themselves but couldn’t because of their lack of love for themselves, by hiding behind their love.
"Love is the perfect cover for those who fear change," Hyunjin’s mother always said.
Hyunjin didn’t hate himself. Surely, there were a lot of things about himself that he didn't like and found bad, but he didn't hate himself.
He didn't even think he had much of a feeling of hatred either. Hating something felt like exhausting himself unnecessarily. He would rather ignore it than hate it, he would ignore it so much that he would forget its existence.
But when it came to love, Hyunjin could say he had lots of it. Even if he stayed away from people, once they touched his shell, he would open like a lotus and turn into a loving flower. He was truly full of love and whatever he felt, he felt it all because of love.
No matter how aggressive and sharp-tongued he was, he didn't have that stone heart.
Maybe that was why.
He loved Felix so much that whatever he was doing, he was doing it with Felix in his mind. He loved his life because there was Felix, he loved the town because Felix didn't want to leave and loved it there, call him dumb or say he was out of his mind, his whole life revolved around Lee Felix, as he was already all alone and had his dreams were already wiped out by the waves.
He knew how to give up when necessary, but he also knew that it wasn't time for him to give up yet.
"For god's sake Yeji, what do I wear while skateboarding? Skating? What skating, it’s a fucking skateboard, oh my god I don’t know what to do- Shit, I’m freaking out!"
On the one hand, Hyunjin was questioning why he was panicking so much while he searched for proper clothes on the floor, with his entire closet down. Sure thing, talking to people always made him feel like he was going to lose his mind, there was no denying it.
But freaking out this much?
Well, damn.
A few hours ago Felix had said he would take Hyunjin out to hang out with him and his friends in the evening, so Hyunjin went to the cafe where Yeji worked, told her about everything and next thing he knew, they were in his home, getting him eady for the big event.
"Skateboarding, yes Hyune. Stay calm, please, just wear what you always wear. Look, this is beautiful. And It won’t make you sweat." When she handed Hyunjin the sleeveless white t-shirt, Hyunjin looked at it and took a deep breath.
"What if they don't like me?" He said. "What if they talk behind my back about how boring I am? Felix would be very upset."
"I'm sure they will love you. It is impossible not to love you." Yeji put her hands on Hyunjin’s cheeks and looked at him. "Just be yourself. I'm sure Felix won't let them treat you badly either."
"I'm scared. I’m scared that I will upset them without meaning it, or, or… Or they could upset me. If I get upset, I talk harshly. That would be really really b-"
"It won't happen, trust me. Okay? Get dressed and I'll put some makeup on you."
"Okay- wait what? Makeup? No way! I can’t let people see me with makeup!”
Hyunjin put on the t-shirt and a pair of shorts while shaking his head as if it was the end of his life. He didn’t hate the idea of makeup, actually he loved it but they were living in a town that anyone could gossip about anything, which, they would definitely do if they saw Hyunjin wearing makeup.
"What's wrong? You won’t be the only man wearing makeup here. So many of them does and no one cares." She walked over to Hyunjin pouting and waved something in her hand.
“No, Felix would find me ugly. Or disgusting.” Hyunjin refused again.
"Please let me just do it! A little bit on your eyes! Your eyes are so beautiful that I'm sure your makeup will look gorgeous."
It was obvious from her eyes that she would insist more if Hyunjin kept saying no, so he took a deep breath and said, “I hope no one sees anything in the dark of the night, or else I will shove myself up in a hole and never come out again.”
And with that, he sat back on the bed. As Yeji smirked at Hyunjin, the only thing Hyunjin had in mind was how much he wanted to see Felix as soon as possible.
Luckily, she didn't put on as much makeup as Hyunjin feared. It wasn't noticeable unless he looked closely at his face in a bright place, she had said she did something smoky. She also applied chapstick to his dry lips.
Hyunjin was checking the clock almost every second while passing under the street lamps, regretting that he had left early thinking he would be late for the meeting time. He had left twenty minutes early, which was very unpleasant. So he was going as slow as he could.
The location of the park Felix had sent was inside the town, in the opposite direction of Hyunjin’s house, which was near the seaside. It was a big park, usually people of their age, more like Hyunjin’s age, would spend time there. It was a place for skaters, and since no one had the money to buy equipment, the youngsters had set up the whole parkour themselves.
Hyunjin was always content to watch from afar, now he was going to hang out with one of those groups thanks to Felix.
No matter how slow he walked, he still arrived earlier than he thought. He ran to the side and hid behind a tree so that no one would notice him as he scanned the park with his eyes and tried to see that small familiar figure. His heart was beating against his chest as well as his shaky breaths.
There was only one group in the park, some of them skating while the others were sitting, watching the skaters while smoking. To get a closer look, Hyunjin quietly made his way through the darker sides and studied their faces. As he guessed, they were Felix’s friends. Hyunjin was familiar with them thanks to the the photos Felix always sent.
However Felix was not in sight, so there was no way Hyunjin could go near them.
As he stood behind the iron fence, in the dark, watching them like a freak, one of them asked, "When is Felix’s sweetheart coming? I've seen him a few times but never had a chance to meet, I'm curious."
"He's such a beautiful boy," Said another. These people, were they talking about Hyunjin? They said Felix’s sweetheart and if Hyunjin wasn’t lacking a brain, people would usually refer to someone’s lover as a sweetheart, right? And they were talking about a boy.
Felix’s sweetheart. A boy.
His boy.
The fuck.
Hyunjin continued to watch them in shock, so intrigued that he was trying not to even breathe.
"I've never seen him, do you have a photo?" asked someone standing with a skateboard, then steping on the end of his skateboard, causing it to jump into the air, and snatching it under his arm.
"You'll see when he gets here soon. He looks like a ferret."
“No surprise, Felix loves ferrets. He had one when we were little.”
Well… Great..?
“Oh my god…” Hyunjin silently whispered to himself, eyes all wide.
"But the real question, where the hell is Felix?" Said the person who spoke first. He had a high pitched voice, but Hyunjin couldn't see his face because his back was turned.
"Well, that's a date," Said the skateboard boy, laughing, "He's dressing up for… What was the boy's name again?"
"Hyunjin."
As soon as Hyunjin heard his name, he couldn't help the loud squeak coming out of his mouth, at the same time standing up in panic and hitting his head to the wires. He really couldn't believe his ears, he utterly was in shock. He, seriously, didn't know what to think right now. He wasn’t losing it, was he?
He had heard right. They were really talking about him like that, someone even said it was a date...
My god…
Apart from the chaos-filled shock he was experiencing inside his head, they all turned towards Hyunjin with the sound he made. Hyunjin quickly walked left and right as if he was looking for the entrance to the park and entered from the other side, he knew his face was red as he tried to keep his expression steady, hoping no one would understand something.
As soon as they saw Hyunjin, he noticed a grin on their face but they were trying not to show it to him, luckily they didn't know that Hyunjin was really good at reading body language.
"Hello?" Said the boy with the skateboard. He looked like a fennec fox and the first thing Hyunjin noticed when he looked at him was the scar on his cheek.
"Hello, I couldn't find the entrance for a moment... I hit the fence.” Hyunjin laughed lightly, thinking he was making a fool of himself, while praying that they wouldn't understand. It would be not very nice for them to know that Hyunjin was eavesdropping on them.
"When I first came, I jumped over the fence and got in. It was a hassle, luckily a few weeks ago they put a small gate here." The fox-like boy speaking to Hyunjin pointed to two small gates.
"Hyunjin, is it?" The high-pitched one asked.
"Yes, yes it's Hyunjin." He nodded head quickly and bowed. He was shaking with nervousness, talking with new people, and Felixl wasn't around yet. "Nice to meet you."
"We're really glad, that you're finally able to join us!" When the high-pitched one spoke again, Hyunjin looked at him. "I'm Jisung!” He said, extending his hand. "Also known as the person who wants to meet you the most."
He had black hair, and they were partially curly. He had a cute face and blue eyes, which Hyunjin guessed were lenses. Everyone was dressed the same anyway, short shorts and sleeveless t-shirts as the weather was hot as hell.
"You wanted to meet me?" Hyunjin muttered quietly as he shook Jisung’s hand and pressed his lips together, then the fox-like boy talked.
"I’m Jeongin," He said. He then gestured to the person who was silently watching them, "This is Minho, he doesn’t talk too much but he's the sweetest person you'll ever see!"
“Don't say things like that, Jeongin…” Minho muttered to himself as he rolles his eyes and got up, walking towards Hyunjin. Hyunjin was so embarrassed that everyone's attention was on him that he couldn't even look directly into his eyes.
“I also don’t talk much…” He muttered as Minho extended his hand. Hyunjin shook his hand, trying to smile, and Minho too smiled as he studied Hyunjin.
None of them were distant as Hyunjin thought, Felix’s friends would be like Felix of course, Hyunjin had scared himself for nothing. He was still very nervous, of course, but he was hoping that he would get used to it after a while.
"You don't need to be afraid of us," Jisung said. "We're the ones who keep insisting that he should invite you here, to see his lo-"
"So what's up HOW IS YOUR LIFE GOING?" Hyunjin couldn't help but to jump when Jeongin suddenly shouted, Jeongin looked at Jisung with wide eyes and made face gestures that Hyunjin couldn't understand. Gestures that he could understand but couldn't believe, more correctly.
"So, the star of the day has arrived!" Hyunjin looked at the person running towards them, and he knew who it was. It was Changbin, if Hyunjin was not mistaken. "You are prettier than you look in the photos!”
Jisung started laughing. "Well, he really is? Look at him, like a fairy."
Hyunjin blinked when he realized all of them were praising him, a blush rushing to his cheeks. “Oh my god… Thank you… I’m definitely not that pretty though..."
"Duh, don't be modest, it doesn't suit you." Said Jeongin, gaining a smack to his head from Changbin.
"Don't talk to him as if you are talking to your friend of forty years, how rude of you." Jeongin pursed his lips as Changbin grunted and looked at Hyunjin.
Hyunjin really didn't know how to react, he was never used to socializing like this. That was why he was standing with his hands folded in front of him like a lost child.
"Sorry, I guess I made you uncomfortable." Jeongin looked at him. "Are you offended?"
"Me? No! No. It's okay."
"Come, sit like this." When Minho pointed to his side, Hyunjin nodded and took small steps forward and sat next to him, it was more comfortable to sit next to him than to stand among the others. Minho must have understood this. When Hyunjin sat down, their eyes met and they looked at each other with a slight smile.
"So tell me Hyunjin, what do you do?"
“Well…” Hyunjin cleared his throat. “We are fishing as a family.”
"Oh! Me too!"
Hyunjin raised his eyebrows. "Really?"
"Yes! You know the fossilized boat on the dock that hasn't been used for years? The… Uh… Green one?”
"Yes?"
"That's mine. I haven't been fishing for quite a while, instead I work at a restaurant. I'm responsible for sales."
"Oh that's a boring job," Hyunjin said suddenly. Then he closed his mouth quickly. "I mean, I didn't mean-"
His words were cut short as Jisung bursted out laughing, Minho also giggling. Hyunjin and his stupid mouth, he couldn’t help it again. That was why he didn’t socialize!
"You are truly a wonderful person, I already love you!" Jisung continued to laugh.
"Sorry, sometimes I say stupid things like that."
"I do too, it's not stupid." Said Minho, nudging Hyunjin’s shoulder with his shoulder, making Hyunjin laugh.
Jeongin and Changbin had left them and went to parkour, Hyunjin watched them slip and stumble for a while. Felix’s friend group wasn’t this much but he didn’t see the others today.
Minho looked at him and nodded in the other direction. "Felix is coming."
Sitting alone with them made Hyunjin so nervous that before he could even control his reaction, he jumped up and turned straight to Felix, who was walking briskly towards them with his skateboard under his arm.
Breathless and messy as if he had come running, "I'm sorry," He said as he suddenly hugged Hyunjin. "I thought I lost my skateboard, I was looking for it."
Although Hyunjin was stunned by the hug, he hugged back and put his hands on Felix’s back, laughing, "It's just a skateboard," He said. "You'd get a new one."
Felix pulled back and looked at Hyunjin as if he had just said something terrible, "No, you painted this skateboard. I couldn't lose it. No way.”
A smile spread across Hyunjin’s face as he glanced at the skateboard under his arm, still hiding the skateboard he painted three years ago. Lee Felix, seriously…
"I can always paint a new one."
"Yeah but… But I have fond memories of this skateboard. Wouldn’t be the same.” Felix then cleared his throat and greeted Jisung and Minho, changing the topic. They talked a bit for a while Hyunjin watched them talk, his eyes never leaving Felix’s pretty face and his pouty lips while he talked, unconsciously imagining how it would be like to kiss him.
He was seriously losing his mind.
He again, remembered that they called him Felix’s sweetheart and they were acting very strangely.
"Oh Felix! Hi baby!" The fox-like boy came back running, hugging Felix tightly. Hyunjin couldn’t remember his name, yeah sure, socializing.
“Hi Jeonginie!” As Felix hugged him back, Hyunjin nodded to himself and repeated Jeongin’s name a few times in his head to remember it for the next time.
"You’re such a sight for sore eyes.” Jeongin chuckled as he pulled back, making Felix chuckle loudly and roll his eyes, Changbin next to them also laughing. When Hyunjin’s eyes met with Changbin’s, he pointed at him with his head.
"Would you like something to eat or drink? We'll go to the grocery store in two minutes."
"No, Thanks." Hyunjin shook his head twice.
"Get us two beers," said Felix. "He says he doesn’t want anything but trust me he does."
"Felix!" As Hyunjin frowned at him, Felix turned to Hyunjin with a grin.
"What? That’s the truth."
Hyunjin said nothing and sulked, watching as Felix sent Jeongin and Changbin out, saying the name of two of Hyunjin’s favorite beers. Jisung was watching them with a very meaningful grin while Felix told them if they can’t find the beers he asked for, they could get filter coffee and nothing else.
"Do you know how to ride a skateboard?" Minho asked, at that time, elbowing Jisung’s stomach and gaining Hyunjin’s attention to himself. Of course Hyunjin noticed they were trying to distract him.
He was seriously thinking about asking what the hell was going on.
"No I don't know, I've never tried."
"Jesus, Felix, why didn’t you let him try?" Minho glared at Felix. "I think this is the opportunity, then huh?"
"I don't know, you wanna try Hyunjin?"
Hyunjin watched Felix’s doe eyes staring at him for a while, of course he wanted to try it, but he didn't want them to see him failing.
So Hyunjin sook his head. “No, I can’t. I’ll fall.”
"I'll hold you."
"I don’t know…”
Jisung put his hands over Minho’s shoulders and grinned at Felix, tilting his head to the side. “Come on!” He said. “It can’t be worse than me. I broke my tailbone when I first tried.”
"Don’t scare him." As Minho started to jokingly beat Jisung, Hyunjin giggled and turned to Felix, who was eagerly waiting for his answers. Hyunjin sighed and took a glance of the skateboard tucked under his arm.
“You’re such a dork. Okay. But you will keep your promise.”
“I will.”
"Don't let me fall."
"I won’t.”
"Good. Uhm…”
Hyunjin cleared his throat and took slow steps towards the direction Felix pointed at, it wasn't in full view of his friends and there was no one around. The lights were also illuminating beautifully, it was a large flat area.
"I think you can do it here." Felix said, a visible enthusiasm in his voice.
"I thought we were hanging out with your friends."
"You get so nervous around them, you wouldn't have fun."
"I could get used to it.” Hyunjin shrugged and put his foot on the skateboard, swaying it back and forth. "You were supposed to hang out with them. Now they will think like… I’m stealing you from them.”
No matter what Hyunjin said, he patiently listened to Hyunjin and spoke calmly to relieve his worries, never taking his eyes off Hyunjin’s even for a second. "They would never. Besides, you've met them and that was like the whole point of meeting today. So that's more than enough. It’s not like they will die without me."
"Felix…" Hyunjin was about to ask him what he heard, but he thought this wasn't the right time, so he suddenly fell silent. Maybe he wasn't ready to hear Felix’s answer, he just had a moment of courage.
"What happened?"
"Nothing. How am I going to get on this now?"
"Let me show you." He gently grabbed Hyunjin by the waist and pulled him aside, "Watch and see," He said, pushing himself forward as he stepped onto the skateboard.
Hyunjin watched him skate as if he was floating in the air. Felix was skating so Hyunjin could observe his movements, but Hyunjin was only thinking about how beautiful the freckled one looked, watching no other than his face.
Seeing that smile resting on his lips, Hyunjin thought of that freedom concept he was talking about. For Hyunjin, freedom was hidden in such small moments. He thought that was why Felix liked to skate so much, he was more free spirited than Hyunjin and skating must have made him feel free.
Felix slowly came over to Hyunjin and hopped off, stepping on his skateboard, causing it to rise into the air and taking it in his hand, "How was I, huh?" He said, "Do I look sexy when I skate?"
Hyunjin was astonished for a moment. "Yeah, very much so."
They were both surprised at what Hyunjin said, as Felix started to laugh by raising his eyebrows, Hyunjin covered his mouth with his hand and said, "Fuck."
He didn't know what had happened to him that his brain had gone so haywire, but it wasn't pleasant.
"Is this a sign, Jinnie?" Felix burst out laughing.
"Don't laugh! I am going to kill you!” When Hyunjin started hitting him in return, Felix’s sweet voice made him laugh too.
"Ah I can't breathe! You should see the look on your face!" When he started hitting his knees while laughing, Hyunjin stopped in his tracks. Felix was having one of his usual laughing fits, so Hyunjin laughed along with him, and they continued like this until they both turned red with laughter.
Nothing that funny had happened, though they've never needed funny things to happen in the first place to laugh like that.
Afterwards, when they managed to shut up and both cleared their throats as if what Hyunjin said never happened, Felix put his skateboard at Hyunjin’s feet and pointed with his head. "Come on," He said. "I'll hold you."
"Okay. Hold me." Hyunjin was going to extend his hand to Felix, but with a momentary hesitation, he just extended his elbow. Which Felix didn’t take, instead he lowered Hyunjin’s arm and held him tightly around his waist, helping him to get onto the skateboard.
“I can’t hold you tight like this when you skate though,” He said. “You need to learn to stand on your own feet.”
“Yeah. Yeah sure.”
"Mhm, you should stand like this." Felix turned Hyunjin a little more to the side and adjusted his stance, touching his legs. Surely he was more muscular and strong from doing all the hard work, that now he was turning Hyunjin around like he was some kind of a doll.
God, this didn’t do Hyunjin well.
"Is this it? Ah, this is hard. I can’t even walk a straight line.” Hyunjin was about to crack a very homosexual joke but he held it.
"I think it's easier than walking." Felix stopped holding him, stepped back a little and walked in front of him. Hyunjin was standing still in the position Felix had put him in like a statue, watching him.
“Well. What do I do now?”
“Skate.”
Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “No shit. Okay but don’t say I didn’t warn you. If I fall, I will cry. You know I hate getting hurt.”
Hyunjin took a deep breath when Felix made sounds of approval.
It wasn't that Hyunjin didn’t try skating before, every time Felix brought him skateboards to paint, Hyunjin would be skating in the garage of his house while Felix thought he was painting. Still, doing that in fron of Felix made Hyunjin nervous.
This feeling quickly passed the moment Hyunjin put his foot on the ground and pushed himself forward. As if he had been born riding a skateboard, he went forward to the end of the parkour and turned himself around, going straight to Felix.
The expression Felix had looking at Hyunjin was very strange, he did not look surprised, there was an eagerness on his face, he looked almost lustful. Hyunjin was heavily distracted when he saw those eyes.
So he couldn't stop himself, losing his balance and diving towards the fence.
Thanks to his reflexes, Felix quickly ran to the side and just as Hyunjin was about to crash into the ground, Felix grabbed him by the waist, taking Hyunjin in his arms and laughing, as Hyunjin held onto him in shock.
"You can skate,” He said hoarsely. "But there's something wrong with your brakes, have you had the pads checked sir?"
"Ha ha, you’re funny. This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't stood in my way." Hyunjin looked at him and watched his face as he waited for Felix to put him down.
His heart was pounding frantically again, Felix’s face was shining because of the street lamp that hit them from above, his hair shadowing his now feral eyes.
"You're good?” Felix almost whispered. “You’re all red.”
With his arms around Felix’s neck, Hyunjin couldn't think of anything while looking at his face. Yes, it was hot, but not because of the weather. His insides was literally on fire.
Felix didn't speak when Hyunjin didn't answer. He slowly lowered Hyunjin and put him on the ground, making sure he wasn’t falling down again. And then Felix tilted his head up to look at Hyunjin but this seemed to annoy him in some way. Hyunjin was about to ask what was wrong when Felix got up on the skateboard, making himself equal to Hyunjin’s height.
This made Hyunjin chuckle and Felix to avert his eyes, mumbling a small, “Don’t laugh.”
Hyunjin had no idea what happened at that moment. He couldn't stop the fire that was burning inside him, he succumbed to the desires that were echoing in his brain. He couldn't help himself when he was standing so close to the man he desired for so long.
Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around Felix’s neck again.
And pressed his lips to Felix’s.
Hyunjin realized what he had done when Felix’s warm lips encircled his lips. He realized it, but he didn't back down. He kissed Felix’s lips as if there was no tomorrow without opening his eyes, which he had closed tightly with fear.
He did not stop kissing the lips he had been desired for so long, tasting the sweet flavor and unintentionally humming with pleasure. As they kept on kissing, grabbing each other tightly, Hyunjin stopped in shock when he realized that Felix didn’t pull back and he was also kissing him from the very first moment Hyunjin pressed his lips to his.
He was kissing Hyunjin.
Lee Felix was kissing Hwang Hyunjin.
He didn't push Hyunjin, he didn't hate it.
Felix stopped kissing Hyunjin too since Hyunjin’s lips didn’t move anymore, but still standing with their lips pressed together. Hyunjin’s lips on his lips, his breath on Felix’s breath, who knows how many minutes they stopped and stood like that.
Afterwards, neither of them said anything, and when they pulled back, they couldn't even look into each other's eyes. As Felix took his skateboard in his arm, Hyunjin quickly headed towards where his friends were standing and they simply went back to hang out with them.
It was weird. They kissed each other so hungrily and tenderly at the same time, not wanting to stop. But once they did, they didn’t even look at each other.
What the fuck Hyunjin was thinking?
At the same time, why the fuck Felix kissed him back?
While they were drinking their beers, everyone was laughing and having fun, Hyunjin and Felix never met eye to eye or even touched each other. They talked with a visible distance between them, no one noticing it.
Even the goodbye they said to each other was… Distant.
Felix didn’t take Hyunjin home, Hyunjin didn’t let him. Saying that he needed his time alone, that he was overwhelmed by all the socializing he did.
And that was it.
They stayed away from each other as if they were waiting for a wind to blow slowly, to scatter the sand castles built between them. Neither Hyunjin went to him in the mornings, nor Felix went to the lighthouse with him in the evenings.
Hyunjin was hurting. He was scared. He was so scared that he thought for a very long time that he had made the mistake of his life, that nothing would ever get better again, that he had ruined their friendship.
And then he thought that their friendship couldn’t be that fragile.
They were not drunk that day, they did it all consciously, and Felix kissed him back too with even more eagerness than Hyunjin.
Hyunjin could have started this game, but it was Felix who kept it going. Hyunjin wasn't a coward, he couldn't call himself brave either, but he certainly wasn't a coward. He also hated leaving things on hold even though he hated talking about them, he knew the times he had to do it.
He knew that if he didn't end this ridiculous situation they were in with Felix, some things would never get better.
That's why, after all his agonizing days, sleepless nights, indecisiveness and whining, he decided to tell Felix everything openly. Of course, while making this decision, he hadn't forgotten to consider the possibility that he might be making the biggest mistake of his life.
But he thought that if he was the one who started all this by pulling and kissing Felix, then he should’ve be the one who ended it if it ever was necessary.
Hyunjin was sitting in front of the lighthouse, again, accompanied by the willow leaves waving in the gentle breeze and the waves capturing the sea. His hand went to his lips time to time, and he ran his fingers over his lips, as if he was trying to remember the feeling of Felix’s lips.
The thought of not being able to kiss him again after tasting him once was terrifying.
Hyunjin had given a call to Felix about an hour ago, and he had answered the call just as Hyunjin was about to hang up. His voice was distant, "What happened?" He said directly.
"I'll be waiting for you at the lighthouse tonight," Hyunjin said with a shaky voice.
"I'll think about it," He said. Afterwards, they were silent for a long time, listening to heavy breathing sounds of each other, and Hyunjin felt like he was drowning with the heavy burden inside him.
"Felix," He said later on.
As soon as Hyunjin whispered his name, Felix’s painful voice was heard. "Hyunjin, don't do this to me."
He hung up on Hyunjin. He didn't understand what Felix meant, yet Hyunjin still had come running to the lighthouse. Sitting alone as the sun went down, he realised how much he missed the times when Felix was by his side.
What did he want Hyunjin to not do to him? Hyunjin really couldn't make sense out of it. Did Hyunjin do something he didn't want? He couldn’t wrap his around this and he was feeling horribly upset.
As Hyunjin remembered the tone in his voice, his eyes filled with tears and his lips started trembling, his head ached so bad from squeezing himself for not to cry.
It had been an hour, yet Hyunjin continued to wait.
The sun went down, the moon rose in the sky.
It had been two hours.
The sea calmed down, falling asleep. The stars began to shine one by one, and the rustling of the willow tree ceased.
It had been three hours.
In the silence of the night, Hyunjin continued to wait, watching the sea sparkle.
After four hours, he could no longer breathe. Even though the weather was hot, his fists were shaking from the cold. The tears were fighting to be shed, the lump in his throat trying to suffocate him.
And when it had been five hours, Hyunjin lay on the bench with his throat sore from crying. He was going to wait. Whether he came or not, he was going to wait. He wasn't going to leave until he saw the sun come up, until the fact that he had come to terms with the fact that Lee Felix didn't accept him.
He never left that night.
Shortly before sunrise, just as he was sure everything was over, he heard the familiar footsteps.
Hyunjin quickly stood up with his heart racing with fear, his teary eyes starting to flow again, running towards Felix as he burst into sobs and jumped into Felix’s stretched arms to catch him.
Felix held him tight.
As he promised, he didn’t let Hyunjin fall.
He didn't need to be afraid anymore.
“Felix… Felix… I thought you weren't going to come…” Hyunjin hugged him even tighter and never let him go, as if Felix would turn into grains of sand and seep through his fingers. Hyunjin buried his face deep into his shoulder, while Felix was hugging him and stroking his hair without saying anything.
“Felix, I was so scared…” Hyunjin sobbed again and again, trying to catch his breath. "I was so scared. It's like… Like I wasn’t alive for days. Nothing's good without you, I swear it's not. It is hell."
Hyunjin kept on sobbing his heart out while he rested his chin on Felix’s shoulder and watched the darkness of the night fading away, his tears and shaky breaths did not stop. "Why don’t you say anything…”
Felix still didn’t say anything.
"Felix... I'm sorry, you... I… I shouldn't have kissed you. If you are disgusted, I can understand-"
"No. No, don't say that. Ever." Grabbing his shoulders, Felix pulled Hyunjin back slightly and looked directly into his eyes. Felix’s face was gleaming as the sun was just starting to rise.
As soon as Hyunjin looked at his face, he could not help but be surprised, Felix was crying was just like him. His pretty doe eyes looked quite swollen and red, his cheeks wet. Hyunjin was so overwhelmed by this sight.
Hyunjin watched him anxiously as he placed his hands on Felix’s cheeks and wiped his tears. "Why are you crying..?"
Shaking his head, Felix also wiped his eyes and took deep breaths, staring away from Hyunjin for a while, breathing heavily. Hyunjin was just plain broken.
"Come, let's sit down," Felix said, taking Hyunjin’s hand and sitting on the bench. This time, Hyunjin sat next to him with their hands entangled, his knees touching Felix’s knees tenderly, not running away.
Hyunjin still couldn't look into his eyes, so he slowly turned his head the other way. He was tired.
“I didn’t…” Felix choked a bit, swallowing hard. “I didn’t know how to face you…”
"About what? Why would you need to face me?”"
“Hyunjin I-” He suddenly stopped and sighed. Hyunjin turned his eyes over him, studying his expression. As Hyunjin guessed, he wasn't looking at Hyunjin. Felix kept wetting his lips, opening and closing his mouth to say something.
"You? Please talk to me. I need everything to be clear, Felix. If you're not going to talk, I'll talk. But you won't say a word while I'm talking."
Felix slowly turned his beautiful eyes to Hyunjin, the pain clearly visible in his eyes. When Hyunjin realized that Felix was waiting for him to speak, Hyunjin knew it was too late to give up. Hyunjin wetted his lips and looked into his eyes, about to say straight to his face what he had been trying to hide for so many years.
He took a deep breath.
"I'm gay."
When Hyunjin realised Felix was about to say something, he raised his eyebrows and quickly put his index finger to Felix’s lips. "I said you will not talk while I’m talking. Just listen. Let me explain."
"I've been aware of this for as long as I can remember. I didn't tell anyone. That's why I always pretended to date people and hid so that no one would understand.”
Hyunjin’s voice was shaking so much that he wasn't even sure if Felix understood what he was saying. As his eyes teared up, he closed his eyes tightly and let the tears fall, biting his lips hard to not sob.
“I tried, Felix. I really tried. I tried to be with someone other than you. I thought it was just a phase, I thought I… I was wrong about myself. I wished so many days, to be wrong about myself. I tried so hard. I cried for days, I felt disgusted with myself. I thought something was really wrong with me. It was very difficult to accept who I am and I… I have been waking this road alone since."
Hyunjin wiped his tears with the back of his hand and took another shaky breath. "But I'm proud of who I am now and I won't let anyone take that away from me. That's who I am, and I'm proud of it. I'm not wrong. I'm not sick. I'm not a monster, Felix.”
He stopped for a bit to catch his breath, and continued.
“I'm a normal human being just like the others. Being gay doesn't make me any different from anyone else. It doesn't make me a pervert. It doesn't make me any less human."
His voice cracked. "I deserve to love and be loved like everyone else."
Hyunjin didn't know if he was saying all these things to Felix or to himself, but being able to put his thoughts into words one by one lifted all the ashes in his heart. Hyunjin slowly opened his eyes and wiped them again with the back of his hand, while he sniffed, he looked fearfully into Felix’s eyes.
He was watching Hyunjin intently, his eyes filled with tears too, and his nose red.
Hyunjin still could not openly confess his love for Felix.
“I have so much to say, but I'm in no hurry,” Hyunjin said with a small smile. “I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world. I've loved you my whole life, only you. I've always been in love with you since I knew myself. There was no one else for me but you... But if you say..."
Hyunjin looked into Felix’s eyes for a while. Felix looked like he wanted to say something, Hyunjin knew he was holding back, but he was terrified of Felix speaking. He was afraid that he would say something that would crush Hyunjin’s world upside down and Hyunjin would not be able to speak again.
"If you say that you can't give me what I want, then we'll pretend it's never been talked about. I can pretend I've never been in love with you. You'll get used to it in time anyway. I can't forget you, but I can cover it up, I can hide it. Just... Don't leave me alone. Don't push me away… Felix, I beg you, don't be disgusted with me..."
A sob escaped Hyunjin’s lips, and in no time Hyunjin was crying his heart out again. "Please don't be disgusted with me... Please… I’m begging you Felix…"
This time it was Felix who held up his finger and silenced Hyunjin, with his finger on Hyunjin’s lips. Hyunjin was still sobbing.
Felix lowered his finger on Hyunjin’s lips and gently grabbed his chin, "My Jinnie." He said while stroking Hyunjin’s lip with his thumb, "My Jinnie, how can I hate you? How can I give up on you? Have you ever noticed how special you are for me?"
"What?"
“My pretty spring flower,” Felix sighed deeply and smiled. "Do you think you're the only one hiding behind curtains?"
"What does this mean?" Hyunjin was trying so hard to not understand what he was saying. Felix, like him, was hiding for his whole life. Maybe for the same reason, maybe for a different reason.
"I'm so happy right now," Felix said as he put both his hands on Hyunjin’s cheeks, "I'm so happy… At the same time I'm sad that we've deceived each other for nothing all these years... God… Hyunjin."
Felix continued.
"You love for me… It’s not one sided. It never was. Because all these years... All these years I..."
He rested his forehead on Hyunjin’s. "I only loved you."
It was as if Hyunjin had known secretly all this time and they had always kept it in a locked box between them, and now it felt like all those locks had been lifted and everything was clear before Hyunjin.
Hyunjin thought for a while that he might be dreaming, it just didn't seem realistic for Felix to say that he loved Hyunjin, that their feelings were mutual.
Hyunjin couldn't say anything for a while, he was shocked.
His first love, his only love, the man he’d been burning for years, was sitting next to him right now, caressing his cheeks softly, his forehead against his. Hyunjin couldn't believe all this. He never thought that his life could change in this way.
“Felix,” Hyunjin muttered suddenly. “Your heart beats for me?”
"For you only."
"You love me?"
"I do." Hyunjin shivered when Felix rubbed his nose against his. "I love you."
"Why haven't you told me anything for all these years?"
Felix chuckled. "Why didn't you?"
“Fair enough…” Hyunjin joined Felix’s chuckle.
Then he put his cold hands to Felix’s chest, feeling his heartbeat, backing his head away to look into his eyes. Felix’s heart was beating so fast and hard, his pupils were flickering as he looked at Hyunjin.
“Since you kissed me, all the colors have been vivid to my eyes,” He said as his lips curled. “As if your presence in my life doesn't make me happy enough, I'm the happiest man in the world now that I know you love me. I want nothing more than to love you, to make you happy, Hyunjin.”
As Hyunjin’s eyes were tearing up again, Felix quickly wiped the wetness that was still on his cheek.
"Shh, shh," He kissed Hyunjin’s cheeks. "Shh... No more crying. No more crying. I will love you just as you deserve it, I will give you everything, I will love you so beautifully that all the skies and sea will witness this love. I will not hide in the shadows. I will protect you from eveything."
"I just want to love and be loved, even if you hide me it doesn’t matter, I just want to be loved Felix..."
"I still can't believe any of it..." Felix pressed his lips to Hyunjin’s cheek again and took a deep breath, still kissing every spot he could find on his pretty face. Hyunjin couldn't help but to smile as his eyes closed softly, he felt like he was going to faint because of the beating of his heart.
"Me neither…"
"Jinnie.” Felix slowly backed away and his eyes wandered over Hyunjin’s face. Hyunjin kept shuddering at their closeness, and couldn't help swallowing.
"Yeah?"
"May I kiss you?"
Hyunjin wet his lips and bit his lower lip lightly as Felix’s eyes landed directly on the red lips of his. "I thought you’d never ask."
They still had much to talk about, much to clarify, but with the rising sun, their patience seemed to have worn off. As soon as Hyunjin finished his sentence, Felix covered Hyunjin’s lips with his beautiful lips.
Lee Felix, who once adorned Hyunjin’s childhood right on this bench, now adorned his lips with his cherry lips.
Without hesitation Hyunjin kissed him back, all he could think of was how gently Felix’s lips touched to his and kissed him relentlessly.
He was kissing Hyunjin slowly as if the whole world was theirs, as if their time would never end, their sun would always rise.
Even though Hyunjin tried to respond to him with the same slowness, it was difficult for him, he couldn't stay calm while his whole body was trembling from head to toe.
While Felix kissed Hyunjin with soft touches as if they had all the time in the world, Hyunjin kissed Felix as hard as if the world was ending.
Hyunjin didn’t know how long they kissed with their hands clinging tightly to each other's body, his lips completely numb as they both gasped for air and parted their lips. Felix didn't stop, as soon as they parted their lips, Felix placed a kiss on the corner of Hyunjin’s lip.
"Those lips of yours…" He kissed Hyunjin’s lips again.
"You like them?" Hyunjin whispered as Felix lined his kisses along his sharp jawline, Hyunjin’s eyes tightly closed and his arms wrapped around Felix’s neck.
“Mhm…”
As Felix’s kisses went down to his neck, his warm breath against Hyunjin’s skin, he whispered, "If you only knew how hard it was to not kiss you.”
"It was the same for me.” Hyunjin giggled, breathless. “I always wanted to taste your pretty lips.”
Felix placed a wet kiss under Hyunjin’s ear, almost whining at his words. He tilted Hyunjin’s head back and travelled his lips towards his adam’s apple. Hyunjin held back a moan.
"The sailors will sail soon, don't… They may see us…"
"It's too late to say that, I can't stop." Felix took a long breath in the crook of Hyunjin’s neck, his breathing quickened, and his small hands gripped Hyunjin’s waist tightly… “Hyunjin… Jinnie… My Jinnie…”
"Yeah..?" Hyunjin swallowed hard and slid his fingers between Felix’s hair, one hand at his back.
"I just wanted to say your name."
Hyunjin chuckled. “Felix…”
"Seriously..." Felix whined, his breath tickling Hyunjin’s neck. Something inside Hyunjin totally snapped at how needy he sounded, he still couldn’t wrap his head around how that confessing turned into this, but he wasn’t complaining.
He was loving it.
So he held Felix by the waist and leaned back at the bench, making him sit on his lap suddenly. Felix’s breath hitched as he put his hands onto Hyunjin’s shoulders, looked at him with a tint of surprise. “Jinnie… I think you were right.”
Hyunjin couldn’t answer when Felix kissed him suddenly again, only to pull back after a few seconds. “Someone is really going to see us.” He said.
Hyunjin caressed Felix’s sides as he studied the freckled face in front of him, Felix’s eyes, which had just been flickering with love, now also had a heavy expression, his eyelids halfway down and his hair disheveled.
He was a mess.
The sight made Hyunjin’s insides tingle. “I know a place we can go.” He said, with a hoarse voice.
"To where?"
Instead of answering, Hyunjin stood up while picking Felix up, he struggled a bit at first but since Felix wasn’t tall like him, it was rather easy. “Oh my…” Felix’s head fell back as he sighed loudly, Hyunjin was truly amazed with his beauty and was feeling very, very hot, given the sight of Felix’s neck.
He started to walk towards the back side of the lighthouse. As he passed under the willow tree, its leaves brushed against them and tickled Hyunjin’s face.
"Where are you taking me?” Felix groaned. “Jinnie… Are you taking me to our place?”
"You’ll see.”
"Tell me now.”
"Shh, don't make too much noise."
Hyunjin was dying from nervousness, carrying a clearly turned on Felix in his arms, who was rubbing his nose against Hyunjin’s sweaty neck and inhaling loudly. Hyunjin had no idea what they were going to do but he wanted to be all alone with Felix, to kiss him without getting scared, and if Felix was up for it… Maybe a little more.
After all these, Hyunjin was seriously at his limit.
At the back of the lighthouse, Hyunjin made his way to a small wooden door. They would spend time in here from time to time, they would smoke and drink, talking for long hours. This was like a tiny home for them, they had a small abandoned bed on the floor, a blanket, a shabby radio and a gas lamp by the bed.
Hyunjin opened the door carefully to not Felix fall, and once they were in he made sure to shut it tight.
As soon as the door closed behind them, he slowly lowered Felix to the ground and stood there, not knowing what to do.
Yeah, he took Felix on his lap all ballsy, carried him here, now what?
“Uhm, Felix I-”
Felix didn’t give him a chance to speak, quickly grabbing him by the waist and pushing him to the door, he slammed his lips on Hyunjin’s, gaining a loud moan from the taller. He was kissing him hard, not giving a break, but at the same time kissing so beautifully that Hyunjin’s whole being was melting into his lips like sugar.
Hyunjin found himself falling into flames in the warmth that he had longed for years, and thought would never come.
Everywhere Felix touched his lips; Hyunjin’s neck, collarbones, wrists, hands, fingers were burning and tingling. Neither he nor Hyunjin were going to stop. As the door creaked with every move, Felix grabbed the hem of Hyunjin’s shirt tightly and looked him in the eyes as if to ask permission, and Hyunjin let him slowly take it off.
Hyunjin’s t-shirt fell on the dusty floor and Hyunjin suddenly felt so naked, trying to hide himself by wrapping his arms around his body as if Felix had never seen his upper body naked before.
Felix slowly reached out and grabbed one of Hyunjin’s wrists that he held against his chest, staring intently at him, never taking his eyes off Hyunjin’s eyes. Hyunjin didn't let him pull his wrist away, he just couldn’t. It was the first time he had experienced the lust so intense, the first time he had showed the desire he had for Felix.
It was the first time Lee Felix had touched him like this.
"You take your clothes off too," Hyunjin said quietly.
Hearing his dry voice, Felix pulled his hand from Hyunjin’s wrist with a smile and slowly took his shirt off, Hyunjin could tell he was embarrassed as well too, judging by the redness of his cheeks.
He looked even more flustered than Hyunjin, in fact, especially after removing his shirt, he couldn’t even look him in the eyes.
Hyunjin swallowed hard as his eyes wandered over Felix’s petite yet muscular, tanned body, and lowered his head to look at his own body. Hyunjin was surely bigger and taller than him, but he wasn’t built enough, he thought he wasn’t attractive, not even sexy.
As Hyunjin watched his own body, Felix reached out and touched his stomach, his index finger slowly sliding up to the center of his chest and later on touching Hyunjin’s chin, making him look.
"If you want to stop, tell me," He whispered. "This is… My first time. Doing all these. Don’t hesitate to stop me if I do something wrong.”
"Me too... It's my first time too."
They both averted their eyes, Felix gently grabbed Hyunjin’s waist and pulled him closer, hugging him tightly, pressing his lips to Hyunjin’s shoulder.
Hyunjin slowly closed his eyes as he too wrapped his arms around Felix, placing little kisses on his soft skin. Unlike his little kisses, Felix’s were ablazing his skin along with his fastened breaths, pressing himself against Hyunjin.
They staggered backwards and collapsed onto the shabby bed, still embarrassed to look at each other as Felix quickly sat up and placed Hyunjin on his lap. Hyunjin traced the path along his neck and rubbed his lips on Felix’s chin, Felix quickly caught his lips in response and kissed him hard.
Hyunjin noticed that Felix started to press himself against him while they wrapped their hands around each other’s bodies, wanting to memorise every part of the skin they were caressing. And Hyunjin was even more embarrassed.
Hyunjin couldn't help but let out a groan, making himself surprised for a brief moment as Felix slid a hand down and gently squeezed Hyunjin’s ass. Felix was letting out small whimpers while moving his hands along the curves.
“Felix…” Hyunjin moaned a bit loudly with the sensation, mumbling to Felix’s lips. “How are we… Are we going to...”
"Mhm? What..?" Felix leaned his head back while looking at Hyunjin, he was panting and looking too eager .
Smiling widely at this sight, Hyunjin pushed Felix’s locks back and pressed their foreheads together, planting a small kiss on the heart-shaped lips.
"Are we going to do it?” He asked more clear this time.
"If you don't feel ready-"
"No, not because of it. I… I’ve always dreamed of this but I’m just nervous.”
Felix’s breath skipped for a moment when Hyunjin said that he’d been dreaming about this. “You… You dreamed about this? Having sex with me?”
At Felix’s sudden vocalization of the situation, Hyunjin let out a whimper and squirmed in his place, causing his ass to rub against Felix’s semi-hard cock, which making both of them swallow hard.
“Of course I did. I’m a grown ass man, I may not look like it but I have my needs, too.” Hyunjin breathed and rubbed himself against Felix again, this time catching the feeling of his cock clearly. “Fuck…”
“You’re… Seriously… You will make me lose it.”
Felix groaned deeply and grabbed Hyunjin’s ass so tight, helping him move on his lap as Hyunjin breathlessly rubbed himself against him. Felix’s lips went down to Hyunjin’s neck again and continued to kiss and suck his skin from where he left off.
“Oh-” Hyunjin’s head fell back as he felt Felix sliding his teeth lower to his chest and slowly sucking on his nipple, holding Hyunjin’s waist tightly while making him lean back a bit more.
His grip was strong, so strong that Hyunjin could swear there would be his finger marks left there later.
“Fuck- Felix…” Hyunjin let out another moan when he felt Felix’s warm tongue circling over his nipple, later on sucking a bit. He grabbed Felix by the hair harshly and lowered his head to look at him, it was definitely a perfect decision to make because it was the most beautiful, and arousing sight to see.
To see Felix’s plump pink lips covering his nipple as he sucked, his eyes closed with an expression full of need.
Hyunjin let Felix play with him as he wished, running a hand through his hair and letting out whimpers, and Felix didn't stop until Hyunjin was squirming with overstimulation on his nipples, the lack of attention to his hard cock causing his groins to ache.
As Hyunjin was almost out of his mind by Felix’s touches and lost all sense of time and place, Felix slowly made him lie down on the bed, hovering over him with the heavy look in his eyes.
The shell necklace around Felix’s neck fell towards Hyunjin’s lips, he reached out and touched the chain, swiping his finger along the chain and grasping the end of the necklace. Felix watched him for a while with his hands at Hyunjin’s sides.
"You're so beautiful," He whispered.
"You're prettier," Hyunjin replied quickly. Because of his tone Felix looked at him in surprise and started giggling.
"Feisty."
Felix’s eyes roamed Hyunjin’s body, then he slid down and grabbed Hyunjin’s shorts, slowly sliding them down while eyeing every part of Hyunjin’s lower body. Hyunjin couldn't answer him as he hid himself by covering his face with his arm.
When Felix’s hands moved around his bare skin and touched his legs, Hyunjin couldn't help but to spread his legs. He could hear Felix’s heavy breathing and loud swallowing.
While Felix’s lips and hands adorned Hyunjin’s entire body, Hyunjin muttered his name for minutes, tugged on his hair, begged him not to stop when he was about to stop, and squirmed under him.
Every time Felix’s blazing skin touched Hyunjin’s, their sweat mingled, Felix’s breath became his breath and his scent became Hyunjin’s scent. Felix’s fingers inside him pushed him to his limits as the sweet heart-shaped lips danced on Hyunjin’s most vulnerable spots, Hyunjin’s efforts to free himself from his grip by pulling his legs were thwarted by Felix’s hand that gripped his waist.
As Felix moved his fingers inside Hyunjin and stretched him out with a head-spinning sensation and a bit of burn, placing wet kisses onto his cock and sucking the tip, Hyunjin was gasping for breath and groaning loudly even though he was ashamed by his noises.
It was beautiful, everything he did was so good that Hyunjin couldn't remember anything in his life that he liked so much. He knew he needed Lee Felix’s touches, but he never expected that he would need it this much.
He had no idea how long it took, or how he moved, what sounds he made while Felix was capturing his whole body and mind. After a while, Hyunjin was almost completely ecstatic, surrendering himself to Felix.
Felix kept whispering in his ear how beautiful he was, how much he loved Hyunjin’s scent, how his needy voice was driving him crazy.
When Felix was sure he widened Hyunjin enough, he softly pulled out his fingers and rubbed the tip of his cock to Hyunjin’s hole. With the realizaton of that Felix was about to slide his cock inside him, Hyunjin opened his closed eyes wide and met the gaze that piercing his soul.
Hyunjin continued to breathe fast as let go of the blanket under them from his grip, placing his hands to Felix’s shoulders, waiting for the feeling of Felix’s hard-on sliding inside him.
“Felix…”
“Yes, Jinnie?” Felix whispered, not breaking the eye contact. He was completely soaked in sweat, even more than Hyunjin, a vein popping on his neck.
“Are you hesitating?” Hyunjin had noticed that Felix was taking too long, now even longer to enter him while Felix pulled back a bit.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
Hyunjin stood up, sighing, and got up on his knees, pressing his lips to his. Wrapping his arms around Felix’s neck, Hynujin knocked him down with himself while pulling Felix above him. He was definitely not going to let Felix stop.
Hyunjin wrapped his legs around Felix’s waist and squeezed. “You can't stop now," He whispered to his lips. "Please. I don’t want you to stop.”
"I can’t believe how needy you are…" Felix laughed in surprise as he kissed Hyunjin’s chin. Hyunjin was slowly running his hands on Felix’s back and pressing himself against Felix’s cock.
"I am, as well as you are. I need you, Lix.”
Hyunjin could swear that he saw Felix’s eyes darkening even more, the slight hesitation finally completely gone. "Ah… Tell me how much you need me Jinnie.”
“I swear to god if you take any longer, I will flip you over and fuck you myself.” Hyunjin threw his head back, whining.
“Fuck, that was hot…” Felix neared his exposed neck as he slightly suckled on the already red skin, one hand sliding down and grabbing Hyunjin’s ass tight again. “I’ve never seen you on edge like this.”
“Lix… Please…” Hyunjin whimpered under him again, he truly was so on the edge that he felt like crying. He couldn’t believe himself, that he really wanted Felix to mess him up.
"We don't have any lube," Felix mumbled in the crook of his neck, his hand on Hyunjin’s ass squeezing him tight, spreading his cheek aside. “I really don’t want to hurt you…”
"Lix…” Hyunjin whimpered again, now feeling the tip of Felix’s cock slightly forcing its way in. Hyunjin knew it might hurt but he couldn’t care less. “I don’t care… Please, it’s enough already… Please, just fuck me.”
Felix almost growled at his needy words and whimpers, raising his head as he studied the pretty face beneath him. “You’ll be the death of me.”
He again locked his eyes with Hyunjin’s eyes, repositioning himself by pulling Hyunjin’s legs apart and started to place small pecks on Hyunjin’s lips.
"Take deep breaths," He whispered between kisses. “I’ll make you feel good, Jinnie.”
Then he stopped kissing Hyunjin, their foreheads pressed together, Felix’s one hand on the bed as he took support from it and other and at his cock while Hyunjin grabbed his shoulders strongly. Felix started to slowly slide his cock in, forcing his way in at first but Hyunjin’s already loosened hole was quick to adjust to his length.
With the feeling of Felix’s length stretching him out some more, the pleasure and the slight pain made Hyunjin’s whole body stiff and he moaned loudly, nails digging into Felix’s shoulders.
He felt tears fill his eyes as Felix continued to slowly push himself inside him, the tears were not from pain, surely it was a bit painful, but his mind was just spinning about the fact that he was literally making love with Felix.
When Hyunjin sobbed silently, Felix asked in a worry. "Jinnie, are you okay? Should I stop?"
His tears flowed as Hyunjin shook his head rapidly, "No! Please!" He moaned again as Felix settled completely inside him. "I don't want you to stop. Felix… I'm just so happy. So happy..."
Felix let out a smile as he wiped Hyunjin’s tears. "If you're crying with happiness, then that’s okay.”
He kissed Hyunjin’s tears as he attempted to start moving, then Hyunjin stopped him. “Mhm… Hold on a bit…” He mumbled, sliding his hand down to Felix’s hips, his legs could be a little bit numb from the pain of the stretch.
"I can take it out if you-” Felix’s words were cut when Hyunjin kissed him sloppily, later on pulling back a bit and whispering.
“I don’t want you to. I want you to keep fucking me.”
“As you wish, my Jinnie.”
Moans started falling from Hyunjin’s lips as Felix started to move himself slowly, following Hyunjin with his low moans right away.
Hyunjin inhaled his scent in the crook of his neck, letting out breathless whimpers while moaning Felix’s name. Felix, on the other hand, wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s body, telling him how beautiful he is.
“You’re taking me so good, baby…” Hyunjin tensed up to the sudden pet name, clutching around Felix’s length and making him moan loudly against his ear.
Hyunjin could cum right there with that deep voice of his, almost reaching every corner in his body and making him tremble.
“My god… Lixie please…” Hyunjin’s nails travelled across Felix’s back, his nails still digging into the soft skin, throwing his head back with a bliss. “Please faster…”
Felix eagerly complied at his request, his pace now a bit faster and the sound of their skins clashing together all over the room with Hyunjin’s blissful moans adding to it.
“Jinnie… It feels so good…” Felix moaned breathlessly as he kept moving inside Hyunjin. “You’re so tight… Fuck…”
“Mm, you like it?” Hyunjin could feel Felix tremble with every thrust he made, he was looking completely feral over him, his hair all entangled and sweat dripping from his neck, lips apart breathless.
“Yes… Yes…”
Felix started to move faster with Hyunjin’s hips moving along with him, he slid a hand down to Hyunjin’s ass and spreading it apart, then starting to move faster, ramming Hyunjin’s insides with such force that made Hyunjin almost cry from the pleasure.
“Yes! Yes keep going like that please! I’m so… I’m so close!” Hyunjin’s tears once again started to flow, head all thrown back, and mouth agape just like Felix who’s staring at him with a lust so intense.
“I’m… I’m so close too…” Felix was almost growling at that point with his deep voice as he thrusted hard and fast into Hyunjin, gripping his waist tightly. “You’re so pretty… So pretty all for me…”
“Oh god! Lix please..!” Hyunjin’s whole body tensed, Felix’s length almost splitting him in two and hitting his sweet spot, his whole body shaking while he climbed to his climax.
A loud moan escaped Hyunjin’s mouth, his insides tightening with the feeling of orgasm spreading all over his body, he came over his stomach, simultaneously Felix also quickly pulled out and came after a few strokes he gave to himself.
“Lix… Hah…”
Hyunjin breathlessly reached out to Felix and wrapped his arms around the man over him, while feeling his now empty hole clenching around nothing.
“Jinnie…”
They both were shaking with the after effects of orgasm, their irregular breaths mingling with each other as Felix smothered him with kisses, whispering sweet things.
“I love you… I love you my Jinnie, I love you… So pretty…”
“I love you too Lix… I love you…”
That day, they never left the place. The night came again and until the sun came up and took its place on the hill and made everything shine, Hyunjin blissed out over and over again, squirming in Felix’s arms, moaning his name until he was out of breath.
That day, Lee Felix gathered all his dead branches one by one, giving hope to new leaves. That day, Lee Felix smashed the sand walls between them like a huge wave, not a wind, taking Hyunjin into the depths of his whole being.
Hyunjin was reborn at the bottom of a vortex that he could never get rid of and never wanted to get rid of.
In Felix’s arms, Hyunjin was reborn.
After another night spent there, in the next few days Hyunjin found himself carried throughout the way from the lighthouse to his house, in the arms of his childhood love.
He never believed people when they said that in the most unexpected and worst moment, life will make a way again, that every downhill will have its uphill. It really was true, after all. All the words he heard were never in vain.
By sacrificing his whole being, he wanted nothing but to be loved. He was very tired, but at the end of that road, at the beginning of his new path, it was all worth it.
Felix and Hyunjin left the lighthouse hand in hand on that day, when they made love for hours as if they wanted to truly become one body. Fearing that someone would see them, Hyunjin put his hand in his pocket halfway through, grabbed Felix’s hand from inside the pocket, and leaned against him, trying to hide the truth they both hid between them.
It was as if the willow leaves were not singing a sad song for the first time that day, they were humming peacefully.
A stupid grin on Hyunjin’s face, an unending flutter in his heart, traces of Felix’s kisses on his body.
Along the way, they both had small chats accompanied by excitement, and walked the way to Hyunjin’s house while clearing some misunderstandings between them.
As Felix was telling him he never had any girlfriends and it was all an act, Hyunjin also told him the lies he had told, especially the night with Yeji.
Then Hyunjin realised that the incident with Yeji was the breaking point for both of them.
While he thought Felix didn't know anything, it turned out that he came to Hyunjin’s house that day to confess everything. When he was in front of the house with excitement, he saw the drunk Hyunjin and Yeji, hurriedly hiding in the house and watching them with fear.
They entered the house, the lights of Hyunjin’s room were turned on, Felix saw two silhouettes sticking together and the lights in Hyunjin’s room were turned off.
On that day, Lee Felix had sworn to never reveal his love for Hyunjin, giving up on everything.
While they talked about all these, Hyunjin realised how easy it was. It only took a moment of courage, a spark, a glance, a touch.
The kiss Hyunjin gave Felix, risking losing everything, had given him everything.
Hyunjin laughed so hard when Felix dropped him off at home, looked around and gave him a quick kiss on his lips, and ran away. Hyunjin’s trembling from the excitement inside him never stopped, his smile could not be erased.
The moment he stepped into the house, even his older brother questioned what had happened when he saw Hyunjin. He was surprised because he was not used to seeing his little one so happy.
Even Hyunjin’s mother was very happy to see her son like this. Hyunjin could catch her pale face lightening with a smile for the first time in a long time.
Hyunjin couldn't tell either of them why he was happy and it broke his heart, but he hugged them both tightly and simply said he was happy.
He was so, so happy.
Later, because of the summer season, Felix’s work got very busy and they couldn't spend much time because Hyunjin also had to help his brother at the market all the time.
But they were texting in every spare time they could find, meeting on a street corner at every opportunity, sharing secret kisses, smoking a cigarette or two and running back to work.
Sometimes Hyunjin would see him on the other side of the street, and as soon as Felix would see Hyunjin, his frown would immediately relax and a huge smile would appear on his face.
Not to mention the same stupid smile on Hyunjin’s face.
They were both very happy in all those days that they spent in secret from everyone. But both of them knew that sooner or later someone would learn something, or they would have to tell. Were they ready? They had no idea. Hyunjin just knew that whether they fell or stood up, neither he would let go of Felix’s hand, nor Felix would let go of his.
And that's how they decided to open up, at least to Hyunjin’s family.
As a result of this decision, they all found themselves in the living room, in dead silence, while Felix was sitting next to Hyunjin, Hyunjin’s brother was on the single sofa next to him, and his mother was lying on the other big sofa. Hyunjin’s mother and brother didn't know anything, they thought Felix just came to visit, but Hyunjin was sweating, trying hard not to cry and hold Felix’s hand.
Hyunjin’s mom was watching Felix with a glint in her tired eyes. "I am very happy," She said, perhaps for the thousandth time. "I have no one left but my three sons, look how happy you have made me. Thank you for coming to see me."
Hyunjin loved how she would always call Felix her son too.
Hyunjin looked at Felix's wide smile as Felix talked very gently. "Of course I’ll come to see you. I do this every week, don’t you remember?"
"Is there any sense of time left in my head, my child? I only remember the time you came months ago. Believe me, days don't pass between four walls."
"As long as you want, I'll always come visit you."
Hyunjin took a deep breath as his mom and Felix both giggled looking at each other, and stood upright, looking at his older brother, who was watching them with a smile, then staring at the floor.
“I have something to tell you,” Hyunjin plunged into the middle of the matter.
As soon as he said this, he was surrounded by fear. What was he going to do if they didn't react as he expected, and they said he was sick? What if they would say there's something wrong with him? He was very, very scared to see disappointment in his mother's or his older brother's eyes.
He couldn't talk.
"What happened?" His mother said in a gentle voice. The moment Hyunjin looked into her eyes, he became even more discouraged and tons of lumps formed in his throat.
He shook his head, "No," he said. "It's okay. It's okay. I'll tell you later."
Hyunjin could feel Felix looking nervously at him but Hyunjin couldn't look at him. As Hyunjin watched his mother, the lumps in his throat became heavy, and they did not go away even though he gulped so many times.
“My baby, what happened?"
"It's nothing-" The moment he felt Felix's finger touch his hand next to him, Hyunjin reflexively turned to him and thir eyes locked. Felix was looking at Hyunjin as if to say he was there for him. He wanted to make Hyunjin feel that he was not alone.
He was not alone on this road, it was them both walking.
And there was nothing to be ashamed of.
"Mom, brother," Hyunjin began again. "I'll tell you something."
“Hyune, don't scare me,” His brother said.
"It's nothing to be afraid of, it's nothing bad." Hyunjin wet his lips, clearing his throat and looking at them again. Hyunjin grabbed Felix’s hand tightly and intertwined their fingers as he started to speak, squeezing as hard as he could, as if trying to shake off all his fear.
"Let me tell you before you say anything, I'm not sick. I'm not wrong,” He looked at his mother. "I'm still your son," He looked at his older brother. "I'm still your little brother."
"..."
There was a silence.
"I..."
A little more silence.
"I'm ga… Uh… I..." The words didn't come out of his mouth. Felix squeezed his hand a little more as Hyunjin closed his eyes.
"I'm gay."
He said.
"..."
He said it and he couldn't open his eyes, lowering his head and getting smaller and smaller, he was so scared that he just wanted to disappear. The possibility of bad expressions on their faces that he could see if he opened his eyes scared him to death.
He knew he was not ready for this at all.
As he lowered his head a little more, a sound of movement caught his ear, and he soon realised that someone was crouching in front of him.
"Don't lower your head." He heard his brother's voice in front of him. "Proudly say who you are, stand tall, never, ever lower your head."
"Never. Do you hear me?"
A shiver captivated Hyunjin’s lips upon hearing this words, he looked at his brother with a timid look. He was looking at Hyunjin with a serious expression on his face, eyebrows furrowed. No matter how serious he looked, there was a heart clenching soft expression in his eyes and not a single disappointment.
"You're my beautiful baby brother," He said as he held Hyunjin’s hand tightly. "You're beautiful like this, you've always been beautiful like this. Telling me that won't change anything. I'm proud of you Hyunjin."
"Brother..."
"I'm sure my mother thinks so too." When his brother turned and looked at their mother, Hyunjin’s gaze quickly trailed over his mother with concern, that huge smile was still on her face, but her eyes were full of tears.
"I was waiting for you to tell me."
"What..?"
"You thought I would never understand, baby? Be as introverted as you want, hide as much as you want, I'm your mother."
When she waved her hand for Hyunjin to go near her, Hyunjin quickly stood up and went to the foot of her seat and fell on his knees, locking his eyes in her eyes. She put her trembling hand in Hyunjin’s hair with a gentle touch.
"I'm your mother. I understand everything. I’ll listen to you, I'll be there for you. How can I be your mother if I can't be there for you, if I can't give you the support you need? If I can’t love my pretty little baby boy with my all heart?"
"Mom... Thank you..." Tears started flowing out of Hyunjin’s eyes, he pressed his forehead to her arm and started to cry as. "I was so scared, I thought you wouldn't want me anymore... Mom, since I was a kid-"
She cut him off, "I know," She said as she continued to stroke Hyunjin’s hair. "You don't have to explain it to me. I know your place in Felix’s life too... You two..." She laughed lightly. "You fail to hide."
Hyunjin’s brother murmured. "Well, I hadn't noticed."
"Because you're an asshole," His mother said. Felix and Hyunjin couldn't help but giggle.
"Shame for me." His brother sighed, obviously annoyed at his own ignorance.
Their mother started laughing, then spoke again. "Felix, come. Let me hug you too." She opened both of his arms wide, and as soon as she opened them, Felix was already hugging both of them tightly.
It didn't take long for Hyunjin’s brother to come, saying, "Oh, is this my punishment? Can you guys hug me too please?"
Laughing, they hugged each other tightly. Hyunjin’s family was five beautiful people now, his dear father watching them above.
This, was more than enough for Hyunjin.
After this coming out moment, they had a long conversation, and when the time hit midnight, Hyunjin and Felix retired to Hyunjin’s room in order not to tire his mother.
Felix told his family that he would stay at Hyunjin’s, it wasn't the first time he stayed with them but it was the first time they were alone in Hyunjin’s room as boyfriends.
To tell the truth, they had never even talked about what they were, and Hyunjin didn't ask because he was worried that maybe this would bother Felix, make him nervous. It didn't matter much, just being with Felix, it was enough for Hyunjin.
When they pushed the door of Hyunjin’s room and entered with their cookies and glasses of milk in their hands, Hyunjin lifted his feet and turned on the light with his foot. He just smiled sweetly as Felix gave him a weird look, then he sat cross-legged, placing the plate of cookies on his bed and the milk on the nightstand.
He chuckled when Felix settled down just like him and couldn't find a place to put the glass.
"So, do you like my room?" He said just for the sake of conversation. Both of them were both ridiculously nervous.
"Yes, your room is very cute. It's the first time I've seen it." When Felix nodded and complied with Hyunjin’s joke without spoiling it, Hyunjin dipped the cookie in milk, trying not to laugh.
“Yos.”
"Don't talk with food in your mouth." Of course Hyunjin choked when he stuffed the cookie in his mouth even more, barely swallowing it and started coughing.
"I think I'm dying." Hyunjin reached out to the milk as he kept coughing while Felix patted his back, laughing.
"No, you can’t. I’m not allowing it." Felix pulled his hand off as he continued to eat his cookie, softly dipping it in milk, staring at Hyunjin like he was watching a movie.
Hyunjin was sure he was all red from coughing, and Felix was clearly amused at the sight.
“I love milk.” Hyunjin randomly blabbered.
"Milk is a good drink. You chug on it, you sleep uninterrupted." He intertwined his fingers and touched the tips to his mouth, making a loud kissing sound. "Voilà."
“Eugh, Felix." Hyunjin kicked him as he grimaced, "Disgusting."
"I thought it was funny."
"You're the only one laughing at your own jokes anyway."
"Touche."
They chuckled and finished what they had brought, and filled the nightstand with an empty glass and plate, then there was a moment of silence between them again. Hyunjin was nervous, apparently Felix was nervous too. They couldn't get rid of this silly excitement in them, and Hyunjin couldn't say that he really wanted to get rid of it either.
Hyunjin stood up with a half-smile as Felix sat like a statue, and slowly walked towards his bookshelf, grabbing his dusty sketchbooks at the bottom, sneezing a few times while blowing the dust on them.
"What are you doing?" When Felix stood up and came up to him with curiosity, Hyunjin sat cross-legged on the floor and looked up at him, "Come sit down," He said, patting his side.
Like a puppy, Felix snuggled up next to Hyunjin, and put one arm around his shoulder.
"Look, these are my sketchbooks," Hyunjin muttered as he ran his hand over the notebooks. There were five or six sketchbooks in total, all of them colourful. They were badly dusty and old, and had been sitting in the corner for so long—one of them for nearly a decade—but Hyunjin was sure that his drawings inside were intact.
“This is my first sketchbook,” He said, pulling the bottom one. The paper on it was thoroughly worn, wrinkled, and the wires were warped.
"Oh, this was my gift for you!" Felix excitedly took the notebook from Hyunjin’s hand. "Are you still hiding this?! Jinnie you were like eight years old when I got you this!"
Hyunjin started laughing, his reaction was so sweet. Silly. "Of course I'm hiding, did you underestimate my love?"
“Oh my god, this is a whole other dimension. Wait a minute…” He ran his hand over the sketchbook and looked at Hyunjin, placing a wet kiss on the tip of his nose. "You are incredible."
"I keep everything. Look," Hyunjin crawled on the floor and grabbed the yellow box under his bed and pulled it out. He opened the cover and started showing Felix the contents one by one.
"This is the garbage of some of the chocolates you bought me. I wasn't actually going to hide it, but I was too lazy to throw it away, so I put it here. Oh! Look, this is the candle that was on the cake you bought for me… Well… I guess this is the trash of the first candy you gave me? And this is the plush cat that I liked very much when I came to you.”
Hyunjin chuckled as Felix watched him, clearly surprised. "This is the ferret's collar. You gave it to me when he died. This is your t-shirt I forgot to give you back when I had a sleepover." Hyunjin mixed things up a bit more and set aside his brother's gifts.
"Hah! Look, these are the bracelets you bought me. The birthday presents you gave me..." Hyunjin took the small black box that caught his eye as he put it down one by one. "Oh, look. Do you remember what this is? I'm afraid to open it and look though."
"Is that what I think it is?" Felix widened his eyes in surprise.
"Yeah, that's exactly it."
"Hyunjin can't believe you're hiding our milk teeth."
"Even I forgot that I hid it!" As Hyunjin started to laugh, he slowly opened the box and took the small glass bottle inside, yeah, their teeth were inside the bottle—a bit—terribly. They weren’t that bad, except they got a little dark and…weird.
"They stood pretty well?" Felix watched the bottle, turning it upside down. "God, I remember how much we cried."
"You cried, not me." Hyunjin started laughing. "My mom is a total expert when it comes to pulling teeth."
"It hurt a lot and I was an emotional child!”
Hyunjin burst out laughing at Felix’s sudden reaction, hitting him on the shoulder. “You’re a crybaby!”
"Touche for the second time!”
While giggling together, they started to collect the things Hyunjin spilled on the floor. Hyunjin wasn't a stalker or something, he would usually take the things he was too lazy to throw away and pile them in this box, thinking he’d keep them if he didn't throw them away. When he opened it later, all the things he saw would remind him of what he valued, how lucky he was.
As it was so today.
After Hyunjin finished removing the box, he went back to his sketchbooks and looked at Felix, "Don't you wonder what's in them?" He asked.
Felix smiled as Hyunjin brushed his hair in front of his eyes.
"Wouldn't I? I was going to check, but I got distracted when you took out the box."
"Oh, they don't have very nice things in them, but... Now that you know everything, I want you to see it."
When Felix reached for Hyunjin’s first sketchbook and looked at him asking for his approval, Hyunjin nodded for him to open it and watched his face. Felix started laughing as soon as he opened the first page of the book.
There were stick figures Hyunjin had drawn when he was little. He had written Felix’s name in crooked cursive handwriting and he had drawn himself next to it.
Felix went through the pages commenting on each of his drawings, with each passing page Hyunjin’s drawings were getting better, at least to a viewable level of disgust —according to Hyunjin. But Felix was obviously loving each and every of them.
What could a little boy draw anyway?
Moving on to the second notebook, "Why did you start drawing me?" Felix asked, "You couldn't have fallen in love with me as a little kid."
"Well," Hyunjin nodded as he watched Felix scroll through each of his drawings, "You were my only friend and I didn't have anything to take a picture of you with, so I wanted to draw. So that I wouldn't forget you. Then I started drawing everything I wanted to remember. Then it became an escape route for me, I drew a memory of you every day I sailed."
"I feel like crying. This is so… Beautiful. I’m so touched." Felix took a deep sigh and ran his fingers over the page. "Let's keep these sketchbooks very well so that these drawings won’t fade away. My father has things that he uses to hide old coins, I'll get the materials from my father, let's clean and place them well, shall we?"
"Do you really think it's worth keeping these things? Look how I drew your nose."
He pinched the tip of Hyunjin’s nose. "They all are precious to me. And precious memories to you."
"Okay then." Hyunjin smiled a little and wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist and rested his head on his shoulder. Felix continued to look at his drawings after he planted a kiss on Hyunjin’s hair.
As Felix moved on to other notebooks, he was able to clearly remember the days when Hyunjin had drawn him, his drawings were getting better.
After finishing all the notebooks and looking at Hyunjin’s last drawing, Felix turned to Hyunjin with a sigh, he looked so full of emotions. “Jinnie," He said "How did I get so lucky?"
"How did I get so lucky?" Hyunjin answered with a warm smile.
"Your heart is so pure and beautiful." Felix turned towards Hyunjin and placed both of his hands on his cheeks. "You are so beautiful. You deserve everything.
"I don't deserve anything at all. You do."
"No, not me. You deserve it all." Felix pressed his lips to Hyunjin’s and gave him a small kiss.
Before he deepened their kiss, Hyunjin backed away a little and chuckled, "No," He said. "I just want you."
"I will devour you."
"Please do."
“Hyunjin…” He whispered, then pulled Hyunjin closer to himself and pressed their lips together again. Felix gently pushed Hyunjin to lie him down, Hyunjin grabbed his shirt and parted their lips again, Felix impatiently looked at him.
"I want to ask something."
He blinked his eyes. "Yeah?"
"How much do your friends know?" Surely it was still in Hyunjin’s mind, the day he witnessed their conversation, and he never dared to ask Felix. There was nothing to be afraid of, but Hyunjin still couldn't get used to some things.
Felix looked as if he didn't understand what Hyunjin was saying at first, then raised his eyebrows.
"Oh. They know I'm gay and my feelings for you, I didn't say anything else."
"All of them?"
"Yes. Don't be scared. None of them are homophobic. There are people like us among them. They are very supportive, very understanding and kind-hearted. So… Saying that… What are we, Jinnie?"
"I was going to ask that too." Hyunjin chuckled a little and watched Felix. "What are we?"
"So, after everything that happened… I think... we're dating? Aren’t we?"
"I don't know… I thought you might be bothered if I..." Hyunjin wet his lips. He could swear he almost fainted because of his heartbeat.
Felix said they were lovers , he officially said they were lovers.
Felix gave him a sideways glance. "Why did you think that? What could bother me, my spring flower?" Felix asked. "What are you thinking in your cute head?"
“Nothing.”
“Tell me baby.”
"Lix. Are we really dating now?" Hyunjin wrapped his arms around Felix’s neck, rubbing his nose to his cheek as a huge smile grew on his face. "But it’d still be fine if I prepared a nice surprise and proposed to you, right?"
Felix kissed the tip of Hyunjin’s nose, makingHyunjin lean back and gripping his waist as he climbed on top of Hyunjin. "I thought the same thing. You propose first, surprise me, and then I will propose too. How does that sound?
"Sounds just right. What are you planning to do?"
"We said surprise." Before Hyunjin could speak again, Felix held his lips captive, and in the midst of kisses he didn't let Hyunjin breathe.
Hyunjin whispered, "You're so bad.”
And Felix replied with a smile, diving right back into his lips.
The next day, as if they weren't planning to spend time with Felix’s friends again, and they weren't going to gather at the lighthouse to watch the sunrise early in the morning, they didn’t sleep at all.
They made love until the morning.
Hyunjin spent one of the best nights of his life moaning Felix’s name in this room, where once he had spent the nights when his love for Felix hurt him and made him cry.
Felix loved Hyunjin again beautifully, so beautifully.
Lighthouse was a very good listener.
No matter what you said, it wouldn't say a word, it would listen patiently and just stand there. It would sit and wait with you, it would be a butterfly landing on your shoulder, it would be a bird in front of you that makes you smile, it would be a drop that hits the rocks and splashes on you, it would always be there. It knew everything.
It especially knew Hyunjin’s love, his life. It knew his losses. Like Hyunjin, it had lost a lot, perhaps the most painful thing it had ever lost was the sailors just like Hyunjin’s father, because no matter how much it spread its light, it could never reach them, while they got lost in those ruthless waves.
Willow was not a good listener at all, and it was quite right about it.
The greatest pains, the greatest troubles were burdened on its branches, it was always tired. You couldn't tell it anything, it couldn't listen to you like that lighthouse. You couldn't bear to upset the branches, which were bent enough from listening, and the leaves that were swaying in bunches, even more.
You couldn't cry next to it, you would turn your back on it and spill the drops that filled in your eyes. The willow would never be silent anyway, if you took a breath, all its leaves would vibrate and leave loud whines. It was always moving, always crying, always trembling.
There was also a seashell.
A seashell, exhausted from being tossed in the waves, adorned with sand. He could neither listen nor tell. He had finally found a place to rest, and that was all he wanted. He had always wished to be safe, not to be swept away.
And finally, he found a sunshine shining on him, and settled right next to it, never to be swept away again.
The sunshine was happy, he would no longer be alone. He now had a seashell to accompany him on all his travels, to always stand by him.
His search had come to an end.
The lighthouse now had many friends to listen to, a large group sitting in front of it.
"I thought you guys would never come! I became a freaking tree here, I gave fruit, I rotted, I sprouted again, I turned into a sapling!" Han Jisung, who was angrily calling out to Hyunjin and Felix walking towards them. "The sun has risen to the top, has set again, has risen even from the west, you have just arrived-"
“Okay Jisung okay, come my boy, come sit here, yes my boy yes. You are fine. Yes, my boy.” Jeongin covered his mouth, making Jisung sit back, then turning to the couple walking to them.
"Welcome, you're finally here."
Changbin enthusiastically waved the basket in his hand, "I made us donuts, you'll love it!" He said sweetly.
Lee Minho, who hugged Felix tightly and said that he was so happy, was maybe the prettiest among them all. Hyunjin was absolutely not discriminating but he was such a kindred soul, who didn’t like socializing at all, had become very fond of Hyunjin just as Hyunjin was with him.
There were a few other people who were missing when Hyunjin hung out with them before, now completing the friend group.
The older captain Chris, who waved at the couple warmly and turned to watch the horizon. And there was Seungmin, who came here for an archaeological dig years ago and decided to settle here permanently.
Hyunjin was afraid of getting to know people, avoiding every possible contact including looking into their eyes, now he had fallen among this huge group of friends thanks to his childhood love, who saved him, making him step into the best days of his life.
This town was stormy. Most of the storms were inside the people living there. The town didn't understand people, sometimes it was heartbreaking and judging.
Its air would shed tears at the smell of pain, and its sea would feed on its tears.
Finding a person in this town who didn't hide who they were, was like searching for pearls in the vast ocean.
Hyunjin was the son of a lost sailor.
Hyunjin was brave.
And he always took the first steps, and he was honored to do so. He was proud. In his 22 years of life, he had taught himself to turn the pain he suffered into a big crown with pearls.
As the sunshine Lee Felix said, Hyunjin was a seashell. He was a seashell that raised a beautiful love that is no different from a pearl.
No matter how much sand they threw at him, no matter which vortex he succumbed into, no matter where he was thrown, he would still find his way.
Because Hyunjin was beautiful like that. He was beautiful with who he is, what he went through, what he lost and what he gained.
He was not wrong.
If the whole world stood in front of him and said that he was wrong, he would shout to their faces that he was right. As frightened as he was, he was a sailor's son.
He was strong.
Just like everyone else, he deserved to be loved.
And Lee Felix,
He loved Hyunjin just as he deserved.
Beautifully.